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Hi guys, welcome to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. Today I am joined by my long-time friend Joe Hoffman. That's my name. We got it this time. To discuss what? What? I don't know. We're already one bottle of wine deep pre-filming. Oh no, that's a lie. It's a big fat fucking lie. It's a half of a bottle. Yeah, well, a glass.

Should we explain how we know each other? Yeah. Okay. I can say. So I met you, well, for four years of knowing who you were, because I was good friends with your sister. I would know you as someone who physically could exist, but would try and distance as quickly as possible from me. I would walk in the door that's over there, go...

Coming back with Jess and you would literally notice that people were coming in the door and scurrying to the door and upstairs. And we would hear the door slam. And that was it. And for genuinely four years, that was our relationship was you and my friend's sister who literally just disappeared at the second. And we would have dinner down here. And occasionally you would just like there's a little gap in the wall.

We'll show them later. Yeah, just there. Your face would just check that there was still a person in the house and then you would bolt again with the loudest footsteps. And I don't know if we spoke a word. I don't think I ever, ever spoke to you. For four years. Four years, yeah. And then you showed up at...

In sixth form of school. Sixth form for Americans is junior year. Junior year. But in the UK, we have a different part of the school for junior and senior year. Yeah. It's called sixth form. Yeah. You showed up. I was in senior year. Yeah.

And you were in junior year. You were in year 12. So I had just joined that portion of the school, which is separate. Again, and you haven't said a word to me for four years. And you came up and you were like, hey, Jo, how are you doing? Really? And engaged into a full conversation with me. And then that was the point. We just said from then on. And I still to this day have no idea what you're talking about.

Why? But you were dating at the time a girl who is now one of my best friends in the entire world. And I didn't have any friends because I had joined the school a year prior and spoke to no one the entire time. So when I joined my big sister's part of the school and she had all these friends such as Joe, I was like,

hi Jess, my big sister, I'm going to literally follow your heels for the next year and a half. And she was like, no, you're fucking not. No, you're fucking not. And she took me literally by the shoulders, like directed me through the school and put me in front of Caitlin. And she was like, Kat, Joe's now ex-girlfriend, still best friend. And she was like, Kat,

this is my sister, Maddie. You are, please be friends with her. I can't fucking deal with this. And Kat was like, okay, cool. Yeah, cool. And we have been friends. And that was the same thing. I think it was the same. I think it was literally the first day of school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so you just, you approached me at like a lunch break and were like, hey, Jo, how are you doing? And it took me like,

a good couple of minutes to process that you were speaking to me because you were this spirit that had existed for like years that would scarper the thought of having to interact with me. Do you know why? It was because you guys were like an incubus to me. You'd come in off the school bus, went in from the school and I was completely sterile. And I was like, oh no, no, no, no. I actually remember the first night of a later traumatic story when I met you and

And we all lay out on the trampoline. Do you remember the thing that Paloma said? Was he there when we lay out on the trampoline? Yeah, and he went, my God, is that O'Brien's belt? O'Brien's belt? Yeah.

and has never left. Like, she's never really gotten over that. That also is like a sentence that could, like, if you just underlined P with the sentence, oh my God, is that O'Brien's belt? That was Paloma. I don't think it even was O'Brien's belt either. I think it was just some stars. She was like, oh, that must be O'Brien's belt. No, there's a few counts here. There's a couple pegs to bring you down. ♪

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joyba on instagram and tiktok at joyba.fun for fun giveaways and to find a retailer near you i told you about my year seven spelling bee this is a moment that is like genuinely painful for me to get through because it meant a lot to me i'm sure it did i we did as like spelling contests in year seven like a like in an english lesson and the top 10 people in year seven then went on a trip to

Like probably just crawling to do like a competition where all the school's best spellers went. And in my year seven spelling test, I got 40 out of 40 correct. Got everything right. Now I'm hosted. And I showed up at this like on stage microphone spelling competition. And our school had set forward three people.

to be like their lead second and third and then the other seven were just sort of there to like watch which and I was one I was like the lead of the school representative of the year seven spellers and I got the word equestrian in my first round and I didn't know what that word was because I'd never met any horse girls or been around horses and I thought the second letter was a K and then I was out I

I was out. Because of course it's not okay. Of course it's not. It's just such an easy word to spell. If I'd known some law school that I would meet a couple of years later.

I would have queues and no equestrian. School's name dragged through the mud because Joe Hoffman doesn't know the word equestrian. And it lives with me to this day. Do people hold it against you, do you reckon? I don't think anyone remembered after that day. Where was this going to be hosted? Again, I was 11 and I don't know. I think we went all the way to Crawley, I think. That's so exciting though. I remember when we used to get on those big coaches, the Crawley, what was it called? The Crawley...

Remember there was a big Crawley brand. Crawley Luxury. Crawley Luxury. Yeah, I was there for those days. It was just so fucking cool. I can't think of more juxtaposition than Crawley Luxury. Well, you and Crawley. Oh, the words Crawley and Luxury. Crawley and Luxury. I know. Where? In what bit just the coaches? Is that the luxury of Crawley? IMAX is quite nice.

I think it was there. I think it was at Cineworld. I think that's where the spelling bee was. I think it was just in the cinema in like some like events. That's freaky. I think we just went to the crawly Cineworld. And I was so, I like, I remember thinking that that was it for me. This was my childhood. It was like a lot of years old. Less impressive since.

I don't think I've done anything in front of a bigger audience than I did. Well, this might be your next shot. This is it. Don't make me spell a question. Spell the word. Hold on, let me actually get a good one. Spell the word fuchsia. Come on, Joe, it's not that hard. There could be. I can't remember if there's an H on it. F-U-C-S-H-I-A, fuchsia. I got the answer for the H. Ah!

So you've done it again and you're in front of a screen. I didn't know this was bring back trauma. We're just going to bring up all my worst moments and relive them. Show that he hasn't grown in 14 years. Quite literally, yeah. All right.

I remember the time I visited you at uni like four years ago. And we were really hungover and we decided to order a Domino's to your flat or your house. Yeah. And we ordered the Domino's and we were so happy. And for some reason, you were stood in the corner of the room eating it. And I was sat on the sofa and you were chomping down. I probably had meat. You famished, malnourished, severely. And I looked at you and I was like, Joanie.

I can hear every movement. I can hear your breath. I can hear your chewing. I can hear each individual tooth.

You got the seats and you went, don't care. Well, to be fair, still don't. I think you said something like, I like to make my presence known. And I was like, it's shaking. The walls, please. And this was like day two of you refusing to turn on your heating because it was expensive. So expensive. I'd taken not only a cold shower, but I remember exclaiming to Sid after we huddled onto your duvet eating sushi that it was warmer outside.

sigh it was it actually was that house was like evil and we were like oh really yeah how do you do that so I got moved into a room that year because I offered to pay less rent and take the cold room

and like we took a thermometer in that room at one point and on a day that it was 15 degrees outside it was nine degrees in my room which is just doesn't make any sense like it was genuinely shocking it was just it just held the cold in there but didn't hold any heat whatsoever it was like a very strange anomaly and it probably like actually messed with my brain for the year because i don't remember how you live i don't remember like any of that i also

remember saying joe i'm so hungry like i don't know how long it's been since we used it and all you did was fry me a singular egg that's what i did when i was hungry was i was like what again get one of the eggs yeah and i just ate and i like i that whole thing is i didn't go to a single lecture in second year of uni i don't think i went to you into uni once i spent like four days

Just like walking around the house, getting a fried egg every five hours or something. And then like going out of eggs, I would get eggs, which was my weekly food budget was just enough fried eggs to eat over the course of the week. And then I would go out.

And like have like a two day bender where I was drinking, going like random places in the city. Like, and I would come back a completely sorry state back into the house and just like resume the whole thing. It was like four days of doing absolutely nothing. It's such a fever dream to me now that I cannot believe that you can exist like that. But that was it. It was just like...

Try it out and get on with it. And I get terrified when I was like, oh, Maddie's coming up. We agreed something at some point when I was a sane human being. I have to think about what my life is going to look like to an outside person. And I think that was me trying. What you saw is me trying to cover up the state of a human being I was. I probably left the house more in a weekend there with you than I did the rest of the week. Probably. Yeah. Yeah.

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Me and Sid had to satiate ourselves with a no sushi delivery. And I think it was one of the first times I'd ever hung out one-on-one with Sid. And we sat cold.

held up in your bed like toes locked to each other for warmth so cold just eating off this massive platter of sushi we're gonna be like it's fine we're gonna be like it's fine and then we missed your entire gig you missed a whole gig I played a whole gig oh my god and then we went to that house party yeah that was my gigs after party that's how many people that was like my big night so weird I felt like I knew a celebrity that night yeah I remember also that I remember

But that flat that we went to, they had a balcony. They had a balcony. And I was like, fuck me. Like the other half. That was my, like, that was, because that was my life at that point was, yeah, survive the week and then like do a band rehearsal in preparation for a gig. And that was like the only focus of my life. And the rest was just survive until then. And that was probably like the second or third biggest gig we did was that one. It was a sick gig. Didn't count. Yeah.

We did go, we just didn't enter the room where the gig was happening. We just stayed downstairs. For a full hour of a gig. We didn't mean to, though. No, you just thought any conversation was fine. It was just like, we'd been talking and we had to yell over this annoying fucking background music that was just so loud. And then suddenly Sid was like, that's Joan's band. That loud noise coming from the gig venue we came to to see my friend's band.

We played for an hour and 30 minutes in total. And I think you came in for the last three songs, which is... I don't think it was three. I think me and Sid agreed to lie to you about it. I genuinely was the last half of the last song. Because I remember I walked in and then you were there. And I was like, oh, you stopped playing. Yeah, yeah.

It was over. It was a lot. It was the, mate, it's like one of the longest things we've played. You sounded so good. For two minutes. Also, the last song we play, I just hardly play him. I'll close the song. I basically just don't play that shit. That's why they sound like thicket. Yeah, yeah. Yesterday when we were hanging out, I was...

I have not laughed that hard. Oh, it was so funny. It was a good laugh. I thought I was going to die. I can't remember what the... It was the pork was one big thing. It was something to do with the fact that I put the varnish in my shopping cart. Yeah. Yeah.

Because you said you picked it up off the shelf and you went, that's £10. And I looked away and in my brain, the only possible reaction I was saying, that's £10, was that you must have put it back on the shelf. But then it was here. So my whole story that I've made up in my head where you went, that's £10 and put it on the shelf was, that's £10. The worst part is, is you then followed up in Waitrose. And I know you don't remember this, but you will remember in a second.

Is you followed on with, there's probably something better and looked on the lower shelf of like the off-brand whitening products. And you're like, look, this, this. I was like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I've already selected the Vanish. It's a name brand. It's a name brand. There were adverts on TV. It's because you also, you signed me the jingle. No, I don't know the Vanish one. No, that wasn't the Vanish one. You signed me the jingle of the washing machine. Washing machine. With Carl Ghosn. Hell yeah.

I didn't buy Calgon. Washing machines last longer with Calgon? Yeah, I bought... No. Because Calgon... Service it. Washing machine cleaner. New and improved. Kills 99.99% of bacteria. What doesn't? Literally, I could just put fucking bleach. What's the difference? No idea. Unless you get the 10 times more effective bleach. Man, Trevor Waitrose has it all there. I'm now... Oh, do you know what else had me giggling last night? Was it last night? Two nights ago.

That I was going to go to like Monaco Fashion Week. Get your assistant to fly specifically to Corovera Waitrose. Buy you sauce on sack. Hummus. No, it's the juice. The apple and apple juice. That was so good. Really good. We finished all of it, so you'll have to go to Corovera Waitrose again. Maybe tonight. Hey. God.

It was, it was like nectar. I highly recommend, yeah, if you're anywhere near a Cobra Waitrose. If you can get yourself to a Cobra Waitrose. Any Cobra Waitrose. Do you think they could tell that we're drunk? This is my first glass of wine. Oh yeah, me too. 100%.

I don't know if the saucy salt sac is in shot or not, but it's just sat there like a fucking Christmas tree ornament. 12. Because it will last. I mean, it's so processed that it will be fine. It's like a nibble every day. It's my advent closer. You would crawl down the stairs each morning into the living room. No.

Luring away at a tiny bit of sausage on sack bauble. Finally. It's like tiny little pen markers. It's like, uh, 11. Jemis has come home with a buzz head. It's genius. Oh, it's so good to be home. I know you'd bought a dog. I don't think you had. Become one.

Oh, yeah, she's never met the dog. Never met bugs. Well... That is... Every time I show her dogs bugs on FaceTime, she does not care. You know how Jess pretends to get... She goes... It's not an answer. She's like, oh, never mind. Behind the eyes, you can see the next topic of conversation like quickly coming into view. It's the same way she laughs. She's like...

Oh my God, it's so pronounced. I know, and then my mum does the same thing. They say, ha ha, ha ha ha ha. And I'm like, okay, guys, fine. Yeah. I don't know if I have a fake laugh. Sid always says that I have a fake laugh. And the way he describes it is that I go, hash, hash, hash, hash, hash. Which I've never done ever. But he's so convinced that my fake laugh. You've never done that. I want to call him and get him to reenact my fake laugh. I promise. Do it. He says, all right.

Introducing character number three, Sydney. He'll be on the podcast at some point. Future episode. Yeah. Hello. Sorry, sir. You're on a podcast. Sorry, Scott. I was doing this fan signal. How are we doing? Yeah, very well. You survived? You're on a podcast right now. Oh, good. I need you to reenact my fake laugh. Oh, God.

Oh! Do you know what? He's right. No, he's not right! He is, yeah. That has never happened. You have two laughs. I'm sorry. You don't do it as much anymore. Like, not at all. But, you know, there was a time you were big into that. What was the... What was a conversation that would happen that would result in that laugh coming from you? I'd say something that wasn't very funny and you'd take pity on me. And then go... And then go what? You'd go...

I have heard you do that. No, I've never. Like how you imagine like a cartoon shark, my love. It's Lenny from Shark Tale. No, it's what? Oh, that's a good shout. Yeah. I've never. I don't understand that. Can we have you and Sid on a podcast at one time? Sid, you coming on a podcast?

I'm on the train now. Are you coming on a podcast with me in life? Yes, I'm currently on my way down now. Oh, good. Yeah, very good. Yeah, I mean, my rate is extortionate, but Joe's paying, so that's fine. Okay, good. I did it again. That's so unreasonable. No, that was a genuine laugh. But all

I don't have a safe laugh. You do, you're like Jess. No, I've never done that. I don't want to give you that. I don't want you to be self-conscious. You don't. No, but you are the only person who's ever told me it, which is why I'm so confused. But he knows you, like he knows the part of his hand. But he knows me better than anyone else, so he might be right. Since we were fetuses, we've known each other. Did we kiss when we were fetuses? You perv. LAUGHTER

I moved the mic away when you said yes. Do you remember when you guys used to play fight? Oh, we still do. We will like meet up and within 10 minutes of hanging out, we like, we will grab onto each other and with...

50% of all of your maximum strength, you're pushing him away. And with the other 50%, you're pulling him as close to you as possible. It's like twin flames. It's like this never-ending battle where you're both getting really tired.

Go on. The forearms are doing the pulling. Yeah. The biceps are completely locked up. Yeah. I've seen it happen. It's terrifying. It's exhilarating. It's like, it's so freeing. Nothing has come close to how I feel. Yeah.

Until you find your push puller, until you find someone in your life that you can exert 100% of your physical body. You know, the second best to you, Joe, might be within 10 minutes of him meeting Patrick, him asking him to mouth feed him the largest chip in the bunch with ketchup on the end and then swallowing it whole. Did you do that? Yes.

Sydney. Hello. Admit it. You miss it? Admit it! I can't hear anything. I've got cars next to me. Oh, I forgot. Your audio is great. I'm missing your heartfelt, heartfelt message. I was telling him how Patrick fed you the largest chip in the bunch with ketchup on the end. I did slightly, you know, you know, wheedle into his good books because I don't see him often. I think it was the first time you'd ever met him. Second time. No, I met him.

Er, once before. Oh, that makes it fine. No, that makes it fine. We got about 30% of the way there, but I just needed to, you know, break that seal and now we're in love. I would say. He looks at you the same way he looks at Kat. He looks at me in a... Well, that's not right, because he looks at me in a loving way. Oh. It's that. That was a big shake, of course. In a lustful way. Oh, explain your jokes. Yeah, I can't, I can't, I can't.

What? Okay, so thanks for coming on the podcast. Yeah, fuck off. What a waste of time. What a fucking waste of time. What's the point of that? I hate hearing from him. That's so rude of him. I know. To answer the phone and then... Literally. Like, why do you think the people that are calling you want to hear from you? Yeah, just... Literally just decline. Decline. Be a decent fucking person and don't pick up. It's rude.

I've had a good time. Me too. I've had a good time. The worst part is, the second we cut the cameras, we're going to continue hanging out and talking and it's going to be so funny. It's going to be so funny. The second that that thing dies, it's just going to be the funniest. Joe, shut up. Save it for a fucking week from now. Remember that joke and then try and force it into conversation later. Oh, I was just talking about how...

It's like at the cinema. You know, we went to Lion King. No, we went to Lion King like two weeks ago or a week ago. And he's constantly singing the songs in my ears. Yeah, bang it. I do that. Go on, sing some Lion King. What? Any of it. I can perfectly picture that voice coming out of you. I'm going to have a tartar.

It means no worries for the rest of our day. Do you know what? I really vividly remember. You were singing something. It was my 17th birthday, I think. Why was I singing at your 17th birthday? Because it was Ash Dock. Oh. And this actually, funny, okay, funny segment. Okay. So Ash Dock 2017.

is the event that triggered my dad to realize I'm gay. Because he, it was my birthday, so he had come over to visit me. And then he took me and Kat to Ashtok because she was performing. Okay. And then she dedicated a song by The Blossoms to me. And then apparently, I only came out to my dad as bi at 21 years old. And his first question post coming out was, are you dating Kat? Yeah.

And I said, why on earth did you think that? Why did you think that? He was like, well, Ash Talk 2017, she dedicated a love song to you. And it was... To me? No, to me. I was going to say. You were her partner at the time. Yeah, we were never doing any of that. It was my favorite Rome song by The Blossoms. Yeah. Anyway, point being, I remember sitting on a bench really, really drunk. 17th birthday. I'm like so excited. Everyone's getting drunk. It's like...

11am and you come up and you start doing a little beat on your legs and I try and mimic the beat like we're listening to a song and Kat looks at me and she's like Jo can make a beat out of anything and you literally can't hit a note or follow a beat if you try like Jo just did that effortlessly and you're drumming on your legs and it sounds like nothing and I was like brutal happy birthday to me but

And I've not sung in front of her since that day. And now I only sing like this. Girl, it's the only thing. Yeah. I know, yeah. I will still shout. No, you're good at that song though. Can you not just sing it? I didn't get the chance to. So go easy on me, baby. I don't know, it's good.

I didn't need a rephrase. You didn't know the other voice. Yeah, well. No, it's not bad, though. The first time I ever whipped out my voice for him was on his birthday. Is that all? That's hidden fear, though. You refused to say no. Happy birthday.

You can sing! I know you can. No, right? I think I've heard you sing before. I actually heard you sing. No, I actually can sing. Yeah, you can sing. I just don't because I don't want to be like a triple threat. What are the other threats? Sexy and funny. Why are you laughing? Yeah, yeah. Sorry, yeah. I forgot. Okay, yeah, good. I can see. If that reviewer just hit in every night, that would be it for society. If, if,

Like, if you were going for it, you're saying you're hard. No time for twos. Go on, you try. Adele's not easy. But what? What is the route that you're meant to take, Ben, on how you try it? Because if I try and sing, that's weird, because you didn't try and sing. And then if I try and come back...

the camera yeah okay sorry yeah where's the voice yeah we could we could we could get something over that

Next Pro Fest. The next Pro Fest. How do we write it? We like want to sing, but you don't want to know what we're going to do. Everyone, go home. That's how we clear up. This is your half of my schedule. Oh, we follow the closer. My dad's band plays 1,500 people loving their life, filling out the village. It's there.

It's a charming sound. Oh, it's a noise. It's like when Snow White sings and the birds come. What's the thing where they sing and the birds come and explode? Is that Shrek? Yeah. It's the other Shrek. She sings like Snow White and they start flying in and then immediately all burn. Buggy Bug. I think Bugs is a cool name for a dog, but it would suit a bigger dog. Is that actually Bugs or is it Bug?

No one really knows. I can't remember. I think Bug, but we call her Bugs and Bugness affectionately. Bugness is cute. Bugness was Kat's idea. Oh, Bugness is silly. Okay, yeah, I don't like it. Bugs is cute. Bug is the correct name. Bug is like the documented name. Yeah. And then Bugs. Bugs, come here. It's like Mads. Mads, come on.

maths Jess calls me Matt really yeah fair enough but Jess is the only person in the on the planet who calls me Joey she calls you Joey yeah weird right yeah and I do I let her get away with it because it's Jess and she

Do you call her Jessie, though? Yeah. She hates that, but you can get away with it. There you go. I think me and her have had this conversation before. That's the compromise, then. Because it's you and then my dad's side of the family that call her Jessie, and she only likes when you do it. Oh. Maybe she does hate when I do it. But I don't know if she thinks you do it, so it's probably fine. I know from the conversation that you can do it. Yeah, okay. You can get away with it. Okay.

We've killed our only audience member. I can't believe he's made it this far through this fucking portion. He's taken four shits. We've spoken for two hours. This is like two hours. You're joking. Fucking hell. Thank you for watching this episode. Why was it so dramatic? You made it that way. You threw it. You threw the glass. I did. Fuck, the dog's here.

Anyway. Get the dog away. We have to finish. We are powering on. The show must go on. That's my why. We don't wait too much. Why? There's going to be an hour of incoherent babble. Look at him.

Well, yeah, I don't understand. Him and Bugs collectively lean over. Just wait for damage to end. Wait for this hell's day to be over. That was so extreme. That was crazy. It's everywhere. It was in the air first, and then I feel like you slapped it down out of the air onto the ground.

There is so much glass. It was like a celebration slap. Like, you were so, so glad to be rid of that wine glass. Right, genuinely, though, we've got to go. Yeah, absolutely. Cheers. I also feel pretty lonesome. Make the microphones kiss. Yeah.

Okay, I think that's it. That's all from us. We have to go now. Love you guys. Thank you. I'll see you next Monday on Pretty Lonesome. Bye.