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I'll clap again. I'll clap again. Hey. Hey, yo. Hi. Hi, Drew. Oh my god, we're both wearing stripes. Aw, we didn't even do this on purpose. We got dressed separately. We usually get dressed in the same room. Guys, if I'm low energy today and you got me fucking sick... And I'm still a little sick. My throat is, um...

I need some throat coke from my king, if you know what I mean. Throat coke from the goat. I got really sick and then I got Drew sick. And it's just like, that's something about me is like, I am a very, I share. You're a giver. Yeah, I'm a giver. Yeah, you spread illnesses. So take it like a taker.

Because baby, I'm a giver. Also, my jacket is inside out, but I am too lazy. No, I like it like that. I was going to say, it's a vibe. It's a vibe. I'm too lazy to flip it the right way out because any movements I make hurt my entire body. Yes. It's a vibe. But I just wanted to start this video off by saying that we need to bring back... Oh, wait. Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Emergency Intercom. We haven't been doing that recently. But...

There's a few memes that I think we need to bring back. Okay, let's hear it. So first we need to be like, damn, Daniel. Okay, now what? We really need to be like, damn, Daniel. Boy. Boy. Okay, what's the other one? Is that it? Yeah, I think damn, Daniel. Boy. Boy.

Like I'm with the boys, but B-O-I. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think that's like a few. So you kind of just want like guy culture to come back. We really don't have that. Just regular guy culture. Just regular guy memes. Well, last night I had a moment. I had a moment happen to me. So I feel like

obviously everybody watching can understand this feeling of like TikTok's comment section is just, it's like the being mean competition, but like being mean in a humorous way competition. And usually we can all laugh at it because it's like, that's got nothing to do with me. This is just about the person in the video. They've been fucking me over recently. Yeah. Um,

I got a lot. I got a lot. I saw a comment about myself and it made me laugh. And I was like, that's a crazy comment to make. And like I had fully disassociated because me and Drew at this point, I feel like I won't speak for Drew, but I'm so like my brain. It doesn't mean anything to see myself on my phone at this point. I'm just like, oh, like I interact with it like it's a random person. It's really weird. And I was doing that with this video because I was like, oh, my God, we're so funny. And it's us talking about the pies.

I need to show this to you in the way like I wanted to post this so bad last night. So we'll put it on the screen. Six feet under. It's a video of me talking about how I don't like pies and I never go through comments. I usually I'll open comments on videos of us and look at the top three. And the second I see one, even with a negative image,

Like, it doesn't even have to be negative aura, but I'm out of there. Yeah, I'm just, I'm leaving. I don't want to see what anybody has to say about me if it's negative. It's just not useful for me. But I was going through the comments of this because all the comments were funny. I was like, damn, this is awesome. We're all laughing together. Someone said, of course she didn't grow up on pies, bro. What? Where's her mama at? And somebody replied six feet under. That sounds disgusting, but I am like so anti-pie and fruits being mingled with...

That's fucking crazy. That is crazy.

You give a bitch an inch and they will take a mile. They will run a fucking mile with that. But I was so disconnected from watching that that I was like, I was just really high sitting on the couch. I was like, like, just like laughing at my phone. I was like, damn, they ate her up. It's just me talking about not liking pies. Like, all I said was I don't fuck with pies. Somebody had to bring my dead fucking mom. Where your mama at? But your mom dead. Where your mama at? Yo mama so ugly she dead. Where your mama at?

- Six feet under. - No. Where your mama at? - Where's your mother at? - No, my brother. - Oh, where's your brother? Sorry, I'm like so awful. - Speaking of comment sections. So Jacob Elordi grew out a beard and grew out his hair a little bit. And I mean, we can all agree like he doesn't look that good, but we all know it's for a role and he's not doing it by choice. At least I fucking hope.

The thing is, my hot take is I don't think he looks that bad. He just looks like he's just a guy. But I also... I'm not like... He just looks normal. He just looks like a normal guy. And then when he's like cleaned up, he's like hot Australian guy. Is he Australian or British? I mean like... You literally could tell me every British person is Australian and I would believe you and every Australian person is British. Same thing with like New Zealand. It's like you all... New Zealand! Yeah, it's all the same. It all sounds the same. Kind of Irish. But I...

Saw videos of him and I kept getting tagged in videos of it. And I was like, oh, haha. Like people think that I would find this funny. Like that's so funny. And then I started like the wheels in my brain started turning. And then I went to, I was scrolling down and an in mills video came up of him talking about Jacob Elordi. And literally everyone was like unanimously, like he's ugly. Why did he do this? I can't believe he's done this. Like, I feel like I've been shot. This is my nine 11, like dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.

Bitch, why did a comment with like 15,000 likes on InMill's video say, wait, I thought this was Drew Phillips. So when I say Jacob Elordi is my twin, y'all want to say, haha, no, it's not. But when Jacob Elordi is ugly, he's my fucking twin. Y'all are crazy. It's crazy out here. Yeah.

Yeah, but no, I just thought that was like so fucking funny that like the one time someone hot gets compared to me. It's Jacob Elordi, ugly Jacob Elordi with a beard. And I'm curious if he thought he looked good, I feel really bad for him because I know the pain. I know the pain of feeling sexy and hearing the opposite in return. The thing is like a lot of us should just shut up.

Like, let's guys, let's just stop. Like, let's stop. Except for me. Yeah, no, we, no. No, no, you. We have the mics. You have the mics. You shut up. Oh, you shut up. No, you shut up. Where your mom at? Where your mom at?

But yeah, also I've decided that I hate Fortnite and Fortnite has been corrupted by Disney and Disney is evil. Although I still really fuck with like a Disneyland vibe. It is fucking, you have a bloody nose for me. Yeah, you hit me. Yeah, well don't call me. Did you know if you have a bloody nose, like your knee jerk reaction is to tilt your head back and like do this, but that's,

actually like the worst thing you can possibly do because all of the blood is just going straight down your throat and into your stomach and making you super nauseous and some people will literally just throw up a bunch of blood. So you're supposed to like tilt your head back just a little bit so it's not like going all over your fucking face.

pinch and then put like gauze or tampon or whatever the fuck inside your nose. I've never had a bloody nose and I really want a bloody nose. They're so chic. Like they're so cunt. Like a bloody nose will just always eat. Not for the reasons like a lot of people think. Like all that coke shit. Nasty. Nasty. Nasty. Nasty.

um yeah like but just like getting like a dry nose yeah it's kind of chic like it's like yeah i've been in a dry climate like but i guess yeah it's associated with too much crazy shit so like if i got a bloody nose my like immediate reaction would be to take a picture and post it but then everybody would be like she's doing coke how the devil couldn't be me the devil cocaine is the devil and if you do cocaine and you're listening to this high on cocaine

Babe, I'm talking to you. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. But what were you saying, though? A whole lot of nothing. There was something you were saying, though. Oh, Fortnite. Bruh. Okay.

Fortnite is trying to monopolize the gaming industry. They are trying to become the new Steam. Like they want to just be like, if you look at Fortnite. They're really just trying to be Roblox. Yeah, literally. Because Roblox is like a trillion dollar company. Oh no, 100%. Because now their logo on Fortnite is like all these like

screenshots or just like showing all the different games you can play in Fortnite. Like you do OG, you could do Lego build. You could do like the Hunter thing like this. This is that ho shut the fuck up. Like reject modernity, embrace tradition, go back to just being a first person or whatever third person shooter game. That's all you have to be. Get that Lego shit out of my fucking face. Stop trying to sell me fucking sneakers for now. You're trying to sell me everything. Everything is like a money move for Fortnite and I just don't like it.

like once a company starts to think I'm dumb enough to fall into it that's where I stop it but I will say with all that being said last night I did buy the hot to go emote

Also, the phone posits are kind of fire. Like, it is, but I'm like, seriously, like, I'm buying shoes. Now consumption has gone so crazy. I'm buying shoes for my character in Fortnite to go run around. They're non-fungible tokens. It's, like, really, really shocking. It's so dark, but I will be buying the eBuds. Fortnite's fall off, like, really, like, in the last, like,

Two weeks needs to be studied. Because, like, I swear to God, no one gives a fuck about that game right now. And, like, they need to do something very drastic to bring it back. Because there was, like, a month where it was fucking fun. And then they started adding all this weird flying bullshit that no one fucking wants. No one wants to fly a fucking round in Fortnite. God damn it. No one fucking wants to...

Fly on a jetpack with a fucking century gun that shoots everybody for you. That is so fucking pointless. Like, I want boots on ground, boots down. Hello. Boots down on the ground. And a gold scar. Like, hello. That's literally all I want. And that's all we need. And like all this flying bullshit. Like now there's ender pearls in Fortnite apparently. Ender pearls? What the fuck is that? Like, you know, Minecraft ender pearls. Like you can throw a thing 200 meters.

No, okay. Like, no, no, we need to reel it back. And also, I don't know why my brain is going here, but it's like, there are some things that when the marketing is that crazy and they're going that insane, I'm like, fuck that. But then once I step in, I understand. And I'm like, honestly, you go and do whatever you want with marketing. Cause that's how I feel about Wicked. Wicked, like I'm not a theater kid. I'm not somebody who likes musicals. I'm always like, ew, like musicals annoy me. Like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Wicked got my heart. But Fortnite is trying to do what Wicked did with their campaign. You're not going to do it. And I'm done with Fortnite. I don't give a fuck about the musical Wicked. But after seeing the movie, I don't know what we call ourselves. Like, are we Wickets? Like, are we like...

We're like... Wickets. Like, E-T-T-E-S. I feel like it's just like I'm wicked as fuck. No, like, it's about to get wicked. No, it's getting wicked. It's really about to get wicked. Like, life has become extremely wicked. No, but I didn't know it was like... It was a vibe like that. Like, Elphaba or whatever the fuck. Like, we're all Elphaba. I feel like I stay her night.

name different every time and everybody always gets on me i pronounce everyone's name incorrectly like that's just the thing about me like y'all we're all elphaba at the end of the day like see even galinda i don't know if it's galinda or glinda no it's glinda she changed her name to glinda because of the goat doctor use the first hour and a half of the movie saying your name is galinda and have a whole

scene talking about how your name is based off of a play it's like really like 15 minutes so that they dragged it out i i want to see it again i want to see it again and i didn't think i really didn't think oh okay i knew i was gonna cry i knew i was gonna cry down yeah because i just cry at movies very easily but i knew i was gonna cry but i didn't think i was gonna walk away and be like that was a movie that was i like literally sometimes i leave a movie and i'm like that was two hours of my life and then other animated yeah like it

It really did touch me the way like the multiverse. Who touched you? Who the fuck touched you? Because I'm about to go check them. Okay. I hate to break this to you, but literally everyone has had a touch of me. You're a ran through. Yeah, I'm ran through. Like loose magoose hole down here. Loose magoose. Like my hole is loose enough that when I hate when I'm in the backseat of a car because the little air conditioner that points at your legs. If I like don't cross my legs, the air starts shooting up. That's why it always looks like tuna. I'm so loose. Yeah. Like it comes out my mouth. It's like.

And like the air like hitting your loose hole sounds like this.

Okay. It's like a steamboat. Yeah. But no, also, me liking Wicked now, I feel like a straight guy who dates a girl who knows a lot about Phoebe Bridgers or Beba Doobie, and she tells me all that, and now I have newfound information to pull bitches. That's what liking Wicked now feels like. It's like manipulating the gay theater kids. I get to manipulate all the theater kids and all the gays. I just feel like...

Gay people don't like me as much as they should. Do you feel that? I feel like gay people don't like us as much as they should. I have no opinions on the LGBT other than let them be. Oh, okay. LGBT stands for let gays be... True. True. But yeah, I want to see Wicked again so bad, so bad. And I had so much fun. And I literally like...

We went with Rain and Josie. And like Rain and Josie, Rain gives like, Rain gaffes about musical theater, which I don't know if she's going to feel okay with me like exposing her nerd-like tendencies like that, but c'est la vie. Like I don't think y'all understand. Like it's not like, oh, like, it's not like me where like I like theater, but I've only been to like six plays and I don't give a fuck about like the culture and I don't give a fuck about the actors and like all that shit. Like no, Rain is like,

Like she... Like secretly like closeted. Like she kept it from me and Inya for the last like four years. Yeah, I had... Like I feel like I know so much about her. I had no idea she liked musical theater that much. And then one night while we were hanging out, I randomly asked her if she wanted to see Wicked and she exposed that she was so excited. And then she exposed herself for being a theater kid. And I was like, oh my God, everything makes so much sense. Can I actually see the video of her dancing? Like when she was like...

Like, when you were recording her, when she was talking to us. I'm confused. It was, like, the video. She was like, fuck you, like, for filming me. Because she was, like, giving us the pre...

I love the way she was moving in that. Cause she like meant it with her whole like heart. She, um, is a nerd and I'm glad I got to see it with her because after the movie we got tapped into some like forbidden knowledge that you'd only know if you're a nerd. And I was like, gag, like it's, it's worth the watch. Go watch it. Um,

I'm happy I seen it because I feel like that was like a cultural moment and everybody saw Barbie without me. So I will never watch Barbie. That's something that's, that is a personality trait for me now is Harry Potter and Barbie

No, I'm never watching either of those fucking terrible ass movies since everybody wanted to see. Like, I'm sorry. I feel like enough time has passed that I can say I fucking hated Barbie. Like, I literally I didn't like it. Like, I get it. I genuinely do. I think it's an awesome movie. But for me, it felt like, oh, this is for like people who are who hate women. And I just like women. So like I'm watching it. I'm like, oh, so I should watch it.

Yeah, because you have like a lot of misogyny in you that needs to be like released. And I feel like that movie would make you like girls. Because you don't like girls. You like boys. No, I love girls. Hello. There's nothing so funny about being like he likes boys.

next time we meet somebody and they ask us like every time we meet somebody they have to do the thing and yeah immediately outs me she's like drew is the freaking freak and likes boys he's nasty he likes boys but people always meet us and they talk to us for like 30 minutes before getting brave enough to ask us if we're dating like what's like are y'all are you are y'all like a thing are y'all together

No. And we're like, no. And then they're like, oh, okay, so you guys work together? We're like, yeah. And they're like, oh, okay. Where do you live? And then he's like, oh, I live here. And I'm like, oh, I live there too. And then they're like, but you guys aren't. Okay. Yeah, no. We really break people's minds. We're destroying the nuclear family. The nuclear family hates to see me and Drew coming. Mm-hmm. Mm-mm.

Well, you could not pay me to work for free. Like I'm being dead serious. You really could not pay me to work for free because like if I'm doing hard labor, like if I'm shoveling like ditches and picking up garbage, like I'm not volunteering for that. I'm sorry.

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At Sierra, discover top workout gear at incredible prices, which might lead to another discovery. Your headphones haven't been connected this whole time. Awkward. Discover top brands at unexpectedly low prices. Sierra, let's get moving. I mean, yeah, that's how I feel when I go back home. Like, no, I'm not cleaning y'all's house. Like, you made me clean this house as a child. I'm a guest now. I'm a guest. Literally, I'm not shoveling like...

Literally, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing the snow. I'm not taking out garbage. But I still do it.

Not me. I don't take out garbage. I genuinely like... I believe a woman's job is to do dishes. And I'm sorry that sounds really old head of me. But my job is to do the dishes. Yes, I do the cooking. Yes, I do the cleaning. And yes, the men take out the garbage. It's so insane how many dishes Anya makes. I'm staring at the sink full as hell. I washed all of her dishes while she was sick because she needed them for the next day. Because she uses... Guys, I'm not kidding. I'm not exaggerating. She uses at least...

six spoons a day, three forks,

Three bowls, four mugs. Like, it's unbelievable. Oh, you know what? Yeah, fuck this planet. Actually, I'm going to get all plastic and like... No, just use one cup, one fork, one bowl and wash it. Okay, you're fucking nasty because this motherfucker uses the same cup and leaves it on the fucking counter and it drives me crazy because I've cleaned that cup like eight million times and then he'll get mad at me for cleaning the cup because he says he's seasoning his water cup. And then I like at this point, I don't clean it anymore. We listen and we don't judge.

at this point i don't clean it with soap i just fucking pour the water out and rinse it out and put it in the cabinet and the other day he picked it up and he was like you washed my cup like seriously you washed my cup and i was like no i didn't i just rinsed it out and he was like oh my god thank you like i didn't want you to wash my cup but you've been seeing the listen and we can't judge what's ours okay wait so for the people that don't know there's this trend on the internet right now going around where two people like boyfriend girlfriend husband wife

sister daughter whatever the fuck like two people get together and they're like we listen and we don't judge yeah and so like basically what it means is i say something about inya that i'm like i clock but i'm not judging her for it but it's a little weird i thought we said she does it back to me did because you're thinking of um there's another trend like that

Oh, yeah, you're right. You're right. You're thinking of the suspect, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, this couple that I've been watching recently does both, and they have a chime for we listen and we don't judge. So let's try it. Also, you explaining that trend to this audience is like,

when i meet someone new and they're saying something that's chronically online preaching to the choir yeah i don't want to admit that i like know what they're talking about so i'll let them tell me information like it's doing i'm like well like yeah that's crazy because i just want to let this person talk um maybe we should just say it about each other because i feel like we'd have an easier time maybe we should just do the suspect it's like something that i've done to blow dry his fucking body after the shower instead of using a towel like a normal person

I just like being dry. Like I really just like being dry. No, there's, it's like something that I've done to you. Like I literally, um, like yesterday when I was giving or two days ago when I gave you a bag of like goodies for when you were sick and I brought you that water, um,

put like a concoction of like drugs pills like Percocets I put Ambien and that's why you slept all day and it's because I wanted you to sleep all day so I could go out and be promiscuous on the town so you you like drugged me to sleep so you could cheat on me we listen and we come on we listen and we don't judge

All right, your turn. Okay. We lit. Wait, now we do it. We do it. We listen and we don't judge. Okay. So Drew, since he got his haircut, he's been like trying out all my products. But what he doesn't know is I've been putting mixes of like Nair and other carcinogens in all of my hair products. And I haven't been using the ones that are on the counter because I don't like that Drew gets compliments for his hair now. So I want all of his hair to fall out. Is that why my hair is falling out? Yeah. Wait.

We listen and we don't judge. Okay, you now. - Okay, well, you know your toothbrush, right? - Yeah. - You were like, why is it over here when it's normally on those little white things? Well, I had a hemorrhoid on my ass and I really needed to pop it because I read somewhere that popping hemorrhoids is good when whatever, it's just your intestine lining. So I grabbed your toothbrush and just rubbed the bristles on my hemorrhoid,

Post shit. I didn't wipe yet. And then I just put your toothbrush back, but we like kissing shit. So it's like not that deep, not that deep. We listen and we don't judge. Okay. I laced your weed.

We listen and we don't judge. Every time I smoke, I feel like I least my own weed. Yeah, I put crack cocaine. For like the first 20 minutes, I genuinely am convinced everybody hates me and that I'm like going crazy and I've lost all my like, all my sense of will to live. And then I'm happy. Is this something that happens to y'all? But I cannot take medication for like flu-like symptoms. Like I can't take Theraflu. I can't take Sudafed. Like all of them literally make me feel like I smoked meth. Like it makes me like...

so like like I know like Wow That's what meth feels like no it makes me feel like like just so fast and sharp but like foggy headed and I know Fast as fuck just now like I know exactly where your head's at it's like sometimes I move thinking I'm like moving fast But it's like so slow

But I know Sudafed is inside of meth and that's why there's like laws where you can only buy a couple boxes. I think it's placebo because you know way too much about drugs. I think if you didn't know that, you wouldn't like know that. Well, before I knew that, I was feeling it when I was younger and then I went on, this website literally fucked me. Fucked me over. I know. It became like Y2K. It became live and fucked me. Oh.

Oh my God. Yeah, websites can do that. Y'all watch out. In Y2K, they should have had the machines fucking the people instead of killing them. We listen and we don't judge. All right.

Oh, wait. Should we do the suspect ones? Oh, but this website, Arrowid, changed my life for the worse. And now I know everything that ever could possibly ever be known about drugs. But one story that stuck with me from that website from like 2009 or some shit like that was this dude, um...

had like a friend that was blind from birth like it was a congenital disease and he could not see from birth they were like 20 something year olds at this point and this dude had a cabin in the woods and he would go and like occasionally go trip at this cabin and

his blind friend was like yo like I kind of want to try hallucinogens and at this point like girl like what are you gonna see like I think I think it was DMT which is like crazy like crazy vibes but like the dude was like oh wait like that's kind of tea like why haven't we tried this on like blind people like what what would they see if they've never perceived anything ever like are they gonna perceive the same shit that we see

Well, these dudes like went out by the pond and both smoked DMT and this dude, like the blind dude for like seven minutes was like, I can see, I see everything. I've seen it all. I understand now. I understand now. And then the high wore off and like,

he went back to being blind but like the dude like kept trying to get him to describe what he was seeing because his eyes were like wide open he's always has his eyes closed but his eyes were like wide open and like the dude was like i don't think i was seeing like the world like i don't think i was seeing what you see but i was seeing something that i've never seen before and he was like gagging by it but it just like makes you think like what the fuck like

what is it what is a trip like i mean honestly like this world is all a hallucination if you think about it like really because like our brains are like fucking seeing this and then processing it inside of our heads so it's like i don't even want to get into it it freaks me the fuck out but like touch feel senses like too much too fucking much i know it it's like it's like the other day when i was watching that vlog of the guy who goes to um

To like... Turkey to get a hairline transplant. Oh my God. I actually saw a video of a guy sitting in a lobby with a bunch of other people who got it and I was like... The fucking bumps on the brain. Like, it's really like bumpy. Like, I don't have tryptophobia, but like, bitch, if you come around me with a hair transplant, I am taking a fucking bristled brush...

I'm brushing those little hair follicles off your fucking scalp, bruh. Like the thing is, literally, no, hey, go and get your fucking hairline. I wish I got it for free. Like, yeah, like if you want it, go and get it.

Hell, I don't need to see the recovery process. It's fucking disgusting. Yeah, keep that to yourself for real. Stay inside. Don't post pictures. I don't want to fucking see it. Just pop out with a new hairline. I cannot believe I missed those free hairline transplants. I feel like you could get it even crazier. I mean, I really don't need one. Like, my hairline is so healthy. Yeah, your hairline is fine. Healthy, strong hairline. But...

I just want it because like it would be so funny. I guess it would be funny. Maybe we just get you a bald cap and we get somebody to fake it on you. Yeah. It would be really funny for a video. Yeah. Like literally just like, oh, I'm getting a hairline transplant. It would be funny as fuck. Fuck. What was I going to say? That you're gay? We listen and we don't judge. That was fun. What? Sorry. Keep going.

Why has this year been so green? We had Brat and Elphaba. It's been really fucking green this year. Cosmo and Wanda are not slick. Cosmo and Wanda are not slick. Because we had pink. Yeah, we had pink. And now we have green. Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything is connected. It's all Cosmo and Wanda. Everything is connected. Guys, I think I'm going to go into spiritual psychosis soon if you're not careful. Look, look, Cosmo and Wanda. Cosmo.

Cosmo and Wanda are not sick. Galinda and Elphaba are not slick. Gay Linda. But yeah, I think I'm going to go into spiritual psychosis if

Oh my god, we met. If anybody leaves me, if anybody, like, yeah. If someone leaves you? It's back and forth and you want to be fair and sometimes it's at the end of the day, like, you could go. No, it's not. Okay, yeah. No, it's not. Yeah, it is not. That's...

I don't know if somebody is high listening to this and they just so happen to look away and like do something else if I heard that while I was high I would literally freak the fuck out and I would like rewind it six times like rewinding it too much and then they land where we're actually talking normal and they can't find the part that that just happened wait guys rate my rat tail out of 10 I think it's already getting longer okay you're fucking delusional I need it to be long enough where I can go across and make a mustache

I'm going to literally hit you. Should we do the suspect challenge? Suspect is a hypochondriac and convinces herself that she's ill now all of a sudden and now thinks she has tonsil stones. Okay. Um...

Sorry, I have OCD and all my friends are fucking crazy and talk about sickness. And now the sickness is in my head because I'm like, I hear about the sickness and I'm like, oh my God, I might have the sickness too if everybody else is sick. I'm literally going wicked. Like I'm wicked as fuck right now. It's really, really about to get wicked. Also, I need to clarify. I think I had tonsillitis, but my breath has not stunk because I am a maniac about my oral hygiene. I would, Inya, if you had a tonsil stone, one, you would know.

Two, I would know and I would not let you fucking leave the goddamn house with a tonsil stone. There are some people in my life that I'm like, it's not even worth the fucking trouble. Like, go and be stinky. Like, go ahead, stinky.

But you? No, I think what's really happening is I probably just have a sinus infection, but it doesn't matter because I got on ZocDoc last night and I booked an appointment to go see a nose, throat, and ear doctor today. So it doesn't even fucking matter. I'm just going to nip it in the butt. I might get an STD test today. I would literally go with you. It's been like six months, but I've really been celibate, but I'm scared of like toilet seat STDs. Like for real. Fuck, wait, what was I saying? Oh, don't.

Okay, bitch. Suspect never wants to leave the house and then complains about being bored and sad all day. That was too far. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Suspect...

I mean, this one's for both of us. It's like a read for both of us. But like suspect like buys polymer clay and then puts it in a bag and it sits and collects dust and we never pick it up. And we do that with every single fucking hobby we ever pick up. Look at my crochet needle that I picked up. It's committing a sitting. It is committing a math sitting. Also, look how dirty our kitchen is after we just got it cleaned. Okay. Suspect does not pick up after herself. Suspect has been sick.

And Suspect was given a bunch of free pastries, which I really, really do appreciate. But it was enough pastries to feed a fucking village. The almond one was delicious. What was the cafe? Delicious. Crave Cafe? Clark Street Diner. Is that the one we went with? Colin, yeah.

yeah um okay well well i don't think people are having sex oh that that is literally like i'm not buying like i'm not buying it because every you're telling me every single baby on this planet was conceived by those ugly motherfucking fuckers doing s like

I don't know. Like that was so mean. And I recognize that. But like, there's no way y'all are having sex. It's just weird because like if statistics are true, that means that every time we go into like a meeting or we go out and we interact with somebody, there's a high chance of the person you're interacting with had sex the night before. And I just don't believe it. I just don't believe it. Yeah, I don't believe that you were butt naked nasty like a Rick James super freak last night and now you're just alive.

and in my face. Or even this morning. Yeah, okay. Morning sex is literally, I am sorry, you were fucking gluttonous and you were going to perish in hell. God is up and like the sun is out and like, why are you doing that? Like, why are you doing that with the sun out? To have sex with the sun out, you are fucking perverted and you're evil and you're going to hell. Well, I like sunning my butthole. I do it in the window. Spread your hole? Mm-hmm.

I do. Like, I get being naked in nature, but fucking ew. Ew. Like pine needles in the Bronson. Like, no, I'm sorry. Having sex in the daytime, it's like, I get it. Like, some people are actually like freak-a-leeks like that and they're down for whatever time. Don't you dare.

Yeah. I really think everybody's just lying to look cooler. Like, you know, like how some kids like, like growing up lie, just like casual lies. Like, I think that's like, everybody's just like, oh, well, like if I'm supposed to be having sex three times a week, like I guess I'm having sex three times a week when you haven't been touched by your wife in a year because you're fucking terrible, nasty, gross, stinky fucking man that doesn't wipe his ass. Like, that's the other thing is just like, I,

I'm like so curious. Are people like having good sex? Is every because I feel like a lot of people are just having mid sex. I don't think sex is good. Like I both agree and I disagree. Like I don't think sex is I will never understand. Like I have been blessed to have like very nice sexual experiences, but it's really nothing. It's never anything to like bend over backwards for. Like you're not going to catch me like.

going out of my way to have sex like it's it's like that's too much it's either gonna happen or it's not and also i'm just like right also looks like the killer is is the killer oh wait y'all this is something else i wanted to talk about thinking of thinking about sex so i considered posting that photo of me that i posted recently oh my god wait this is a fucking vibe look who followed me

I don't know who the fuck this is, but the artwork he creates is hilarious. But okay, I posted this IG photo and it absolutely destroyed. But I was literally, I'm not kidding. I sat on this photo for like straight up a year straight being like, I'm going to post it. I'm going to post it. But like,

I was nervous because like one, like, unfortunately I look good in it. So it looks like I'm just like trying to be sexy. And I did not want that to come across as that. And yes, I did edit my fucking ass. Like, obviously I edited my ass. Like you can see it like bitch. If I really wanted to do some indescript edits, like, Oh, you would never be able to tell. But yes, I edited my fucking ass, but yeah,

Anyways, I sat on this photo for fucking years, like literally just not wanting to post it. Y'all, after I posted this photo, I'm not kidding. Like six trade text me. Like, I'm not kidding. Like literally six of my tradesmen texted me. Like it was crazy. It was like, that's so they like want me so fucking bad. Did you reply to any? No, there's one that I really need to reply to, but I'm scared because I just haven't, uh,

been good at replying and I just feel bad I don't know if you ever do that but like I get trapped in this loop where like I'll be texting someone like friends whatever the fuck the vibe is and I'll just like be scrolling on TikTok see the text and then just not respond and then like I'll but I'll open it and then it like doesn't show up that like it's unopened and it's unopened so I just see it and I'm like oh I must have already responded when I'm looking through my text and then it like a week will pass by and I'm like

going through my text and I'm like oh my god I never responded and then I'm like fuck it's been too long to respond and now I can't respond because like oh like oh I just forgot to text you back sorry like that's such a bunk ass excuse and probably makes the person feel like shit and then it spirals out of control and I'm just like oh my god like now it's been like fucking four months and like I haven't texted this person back and I feel so fucking bad but like

I've got bigger fish to fry. I just like, I'm sorry. If you don't get a text back from me, you have to know my character, know that it's not that deep and I'm sorry. And like, if it was a serious text, I didn't reply to, I'll always call it out and be like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. Like we should talk.

But if it's some random shit, I will just, one thing about me is if I don't want to keep replying, I just stop replying. Or I just start giving like the most bunk ass answers until the person is like, oh, she's not entertained anymore. I'm tapping out. Cause I just like, I can't do the texting. Also, I just don't look through texts. Like the only time I check to see if I have texts

is when i wake up and at this point since i've been waking up so early i wake up to my phone dead empty and i'm like all right i guess i don't have to look at my texts all day and then i just don't look at my texts all day and it's really bad and i'm sorry i'm sorry if you if if you wait if you want my love and i gave you all my love would you come for me baby well

felt like six hours long. Like, do you know what I mean? Like I'm normally like, yeah, no, like everyone's like, wow, this year flew by. I'm like, yeah, it flew by, but like that's every fucking year. Like whatever, like post COVID it's like, I'm used to it by now, but November literally felt like six hours long. Like, I'm not kidding. Like,

I cannot believe how quickly it went by and I think it was just like how busy we were or like I can't remember anything from November November is a trauma block November I every four years I trauma block November November was a month to forget November was a month really a month it was a month to forget actually yeah now that I'm thinking about it I'm having like

ptsd written flashbacks of like all the bad things that happened in november and november is a month to forget like trauma blocking is good sorry if it's like your birthday month but like really it's like the worst month of the year if you give a fuck about your birthday boo fucking who i like i am literally like i feel like the grinch about birthdays i don't give a fuck it was like it was kind of like in school growing up i felt like november was like the longest month because like

it was right before christmas yeah but also i'm like kids now get like fucking four weeks off like kids are not in school anymore my siblings got the whole week of thanksgiving off ho go and fucking learn to read because a lot of y'all are getting past down grades and you can't fucking read yeah it's really really like i feel so old-headed but i'm like oh my god like

the doctors and the nurses are learning chat gpt knowledge and they're not actually learning yeah no but i guess like honestly they can just ask chat gpt if they can pass medical school with chat gpt and like not retain any knowledge bitch on the operating table they could literally just be like hey um what do i do and they will answer it and they passed so it's like the right answer so they'll just fucking do it on the operating table but i'm like

I mean, I always think that, but I'm like, Dr. Miami literally live stream fucking BBL surgeries like eight years ago. Yeah. It's like we're really we're OK. We're in good hands. We're fine. Yeah. I also I just don't believe in doctors. So not because I'm anti science, but because I am scared of doctors. Yeah.

Octagonopus. That's why when I get sick, I get so freaked out because I really am just like not ever thinking about my health, which I want to take more serious in the following year. Like I really want to

care for myself in a deeper way because this is my only body and i should be taking care of it i don't know if you notice but there's no puff bar on me i still have one but i'm trying to wean off i really want to just like treat my body with more respect in the following year because it's my only body and i want to take care of it and fuel it correctly and do the things it deserves um

But I'm scared of doctors because like I feel like doctors are just there to tell me I'm going to die. Like how I know I'm going to die. Like don't tell me when. After all my heart testing I got done. Why haven't the leaves on that tree fallen yet? Oh, they don't fall till like we usually come back and they're gone. Mm hmm.

But I... Oh, but also it's like way warmer than it's supposed to be. It's like 78 degrees like two days ago. I can't even think about that. I really can't even think about that. But I got all these heart tests done and it was time to get like all of the information about like my stress tests and all this stuff because I was like fainting and standing up too fast and my heart rate was like fucking 140 and...

I ignored the results call for like six months. So then they stopped calling me and they kept calling. They really needed me to know what was going on with me. They were probably going to call and be like, you're chill. You have the best heart we've actually ever seen. And we wanted to call you because like your heart is so good. And your heart is full of love and desire for boys. Ew, Drew, your chair is like crumbling on your ass. I know, it's really fucked up now.

Well, should we get into some media? My media of the week is wicked. I actually want to see it again. Curse, curse, curse. Curse? Oh, curses of the week. Oh, bitch, my curse of the week is the fucking scam thing.

That is cryotherapy and red light therapy. Y'all, I got fucking swindled and finessed into standing in a fucking box that was 170 degrees negative Fahrenheit, which like, oh, cool, like whatever. I was covered head to toe and it literally was like barely even fucking cold. Like I've been in colder environments and like it was only three minutes. So I was like, oh, cool. Like I just wasted all my fucking money. And then...

I did a red light therapy bed, which is literally just a tanning bed with red LEDs that you lay in butt ass naked for 10 minutes and 30 seconds. Another fucking finesse. And then what I realized is like, honestly, if you want to become a millionaire, just sell snake oil to white women. Like it's really like that easy. Like you really can just like become a millionaire doing that because like, holy shit. No, it didn't even get warm in that bed.

Not even that, but it's just like we are seeing, I feel like it is about to blow over. Oh, it was $80, by the way. $80 for 13 and a half minutes of my life to be cold and stand in a red LED box. Like,

Bitch, I thought it was gonna be $20. When I got the $80 check, my heart sank to my fucking ass. - Dude, what's crazy though is like, I think we are boiling over with the consumption of beauty products and like beauty practices. It is pushing it. The whole thing of scaring us into aging, like my fears about aging aren't real.

really based in my looks or vanity as much as I joke about it, because I genuinely think that the older I get, the hotter I will get. Like I have always firmly believed that, like, especially recently now that I am like, okay, I'm not going to die. Like maybe I will live. I'm like, oh, I'll just get hotter as I grow older.

But my only fear is like losing time. But so many people only think about aging in terms of their looks. And I got bad news. Bitch, you're ugly now. You're only going to get uglier. Like, like not actually, but do you know what I mean? Like,

Why are people it's just like you're being sold this idea to be fearful of yourself and the growth that you can experience. And it's so sad, but it is such a lucrative business. If you want to be in the business of just making money, you can just sell anything that promises people beauty and it will work for

also the red light shit is so funny ho go outside literally get a fucking laser pointer and point it at your skin like it's probably better for you a google red screensaver on your laptop and just put the brightness up and sit in front of your fucking laptop literally literally and i'm sure like there are people that like use it and it's beneficial for them and i did only do it once and i'm sure you have to use it a bunch of times but like

It sounds scammy to me. My curse of the week goes out to whoever the fuck got me sick.

Literally, I don't know who the fuck you are. I got sick right after we got back from the UK. So I don't know if someone at the airport got me sick. I don't know if traveling got me sick. I don't know what the fuck got me sick. But if there is a person out there who is the sole proprietor of the sickness they pass on to me, you will burn. You will burn. You will perish. You will melt in hell in the fiery pits of hell.

But also I don't think a person got me sick. I think I just like naturally got sick, but you will burn. Also, I'm trying to think who else will burn.

people who see you taking a video and just walk in front of the video and have no care for it or a picture you will also burn in hell because practice some sort of self-respect no matter how important you get on this planet if you see somebody recording or taking a picture walk around it or just wait a second the fuck are you in a rush for you fucking really just wait it's not that deep it really is never that deep

Pigs are so cute. Like little pigs. Wait, why is this literally Kai? What happens to Ariana Grande's little pig? This literally looks like Kai. That does. Oh my God. Okay. Well, my media of the week is wicked. And that's it. Literally defying gravity. Defying gravity. And what is this feeling? No. What's the one? I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. There's been some confusion.

*singing* Unusually, unexpectedly, perfectly, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really

Drew Siop, you want your city to be walkable and bikeable. What's next? Suckable and fuckable. That was submitted by Jessica and the tweets at is knucklehead bets. And yes, I did see the video of the girls drew. Submissions. Y'all. I'm sorry. Sometimes it's a lot to go through. Sometimes it's a lot.

Yeah, you may be shocked at how many people have free time to send us memes. Yeah. But it's amazing. I want to play this. Subway got some nerve asking for a tip. Man, we made this sandwich together. That's good. Emma. But yeah, let's play this. Okay.

Wow, that was good. That hurts my eyes.

I wanted to be in the club making out with Brandon. Save that so we can insert it. It's so good. What the fuck is this, Aiden? Blood cells this, vagina that, period. I guess blood cells, vagina, period. Period, on a ground day. Oh, yeah. Okay. Aiden cooked. See? People emailing that picture of Jacob Elordi to me saying this looks like you.

-Yes, if you all want, keep submitting Drew's psyops because it's pretty dry in the inbox right now. I think I've ran through all of the text posts. I think there's no more, none exist. -You need to start going back to making your own, but the problem is that just turns into your really scary standup. -My horny ass could not live next to Squidward. That fucking nose, I know it gets erect. I know it feels like blood.

Girls be like, "I don't know where I'd be without him. Bitch, probably further in life." -Stop, that's not funny. I'm like, "Stop." -Okay, that's all the psyops. That was from Bella. I said someone-- I used to say people's last names, but I think that's basically doxing someone. I only say their first names. -If you know, you know. -Yes. Also, if you want your last name said, just include it in the email.

Big things coming, y'all. Like December 25th, like something major is happening and I'm stealing the day from Jesus Christ and Christmas. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. I'm saying something. I'm something big. Something big is happening on Christmas this year and it's not fucking Jesus's birthday. Let's just say. All right. Bye, y'all. Bye.