Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
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Live from Radio City Music Hall, it's the SNL 50 Homecoming Concert featuring performances by Arcade Fire, The B-52, Backstreet Boys, Bad Bunny, Bonnie Raitt, Brittany Howard, Brandi Carlile, Chris Martin, Dave Grohl, David Byrne, Devo, Eddie Vedder, Jack White, Jelly Roll, Lady Gaga,
Bye y'all.
Welcome back to Emergency Intercom, guys. I finally saw Nosferatu. I want to go to sleep. That movie was boring as fuck. I want to suck your vagina. I want to suck the period out of your vagina. I want to suck your penis. Horny ass fucking...
honestly it wasn't as horny as people let it on to be like it was a good movie i don't want people to walk away and be like oh my god like what a fucking idiot bitch freak bitch doesn't know enough well they're gonna walk away thinking that regardless because that's just who you are you're an idiot freak bitch like just period like that's just like i guess yeah you are what you eat and i stay eating you because they munching on this uh kitty cat
Ew. Like, ew. Also, Drew had to run around the house naked today, and I'm so sad I missed it. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was horrible. Literally horrible. Yeah.
um worse worse fucking drama like it's horrible well it was freezing cold my penis was tiny i'm never sleeping naked again in my life because the one time i did because i was like oh i got a heated blanket in my bed like i don't need to wear all these clothes like because i normally wear you get a heated blanket like four days ago oh my god you didn't tell me about that i normally wear like
head to toe sweatsuit to bed. Who were you with when you got the blanket? Just I would like, where did you order it or did you like get it? I ordered it. Okay. What the fuck? I'm just saying like, um, it feels like something you should have like gotten the mail and showed to me. I show you everything I guess. That's just weird.
Well, there's reasons why you didn't. I feel like you're, I personally feel like you're in the wrong, Drew. Thank you. He got a heated blanket behind my back. Like, I feel like I haven't seen. Sorry, Jesus fucking Christ. What did I do? Normally I just, normally I sleep head to toe in a sweatsuit because our house is so fucking cold. It is literally so freezing in here all the time. So I was like, you know, I'm going to get a heated blanket. And then I was like, actually, I don't
need to wear clothes to bed anymore. I really don't need to. Like, I'm going to sleep naked for the first time in a long time.
uh was rudely awoken to our sound or our security system blaring through the fucking house like it's the worst sound i've ever heard in my entire yeah it really does sound like you know when you stumble upon the weird ass like end of the world sirens throughout the world and it's just the scariest noises you could think of that is what the alarm it's horrible sounds like and like all the way in my room like you don't really hear how awful it is but when you're
at the security panel, like it is like, it is, it's inside of you. It's not like, it's not like a sound you're hearing. Like it's reverberating through your bones. Like it's like shaking your insides. But, um, I was butt ass naked running through the house to turn it off because I was scared they were going to like call the police and they still fucking called me. And they said they were going to send a security guy to our house, but they literally didn't.
So they lied to me. Well, maybe that's better then because you just had to run around the house naked. Yeah, and I was so scared someone was going to like run out after me to get to the alarm, but everyone was fucking gone or faking like they were asleep because you don't sleep through that. But... I mean, I could... I'm not going to lie. No, when it went off that other time, I didn't sleep through it, but I've realized...
When I wake up to my phone, if I go to sleep and I have an alarm set and I end up staying up later and I don't end up waking up on time, I will wake up and I have slept through my alarm to the point that it doesn't say like,
-Snooze. -Literally, it's the gray screen that says snooze or repeat and it'll be hours later, which means I've just slept through the noise. I sleep through an alarm like nothing. -It's actually insane. -It means nothing to me. Your silly alarm sounds that you think are going to wake me up, they mean fucking nothing to me. -Don't even try it. -Literally, don't try to wake me up. -Wait, hold on. This is my alarm sound. Wait.
Also, everybody got on us about our lighting in the last episode. So this is our attempt at good lighting for a podcast, if you were wondering. Like this is genuinely... It's been three years. It's been three years and it looks like this. No, we're almost four years in and we're like, yep, let's get a light in right there. Yeah, perfect. And if you could see the way it looks, you'd be shocked.
Wait, how do you find your alarm? Because I want to know. It's in the clock app. I know, but I want to know what alarm sound you use. Oh, I have a plethora because trust and believe I've had to try them all. Like I've literally had to try them all.
What's crazy is in high school, I used to wake up to like... I had my alarm set to like Frank Ocean for a while. Which is crazy because I guess I just never fell into REM sleep. I just would be awake. This will interrupt us in a second, but... Is it just like your classic alarm sound? Yeah, this has been the week of me getting scammed, by the way. I've literally been scammed three different fucking times this week. One...
The first time was by my favorite rapper. And I've been withholding this story from y'all for so long because...
That's not waking me up. See, like that literally I'm actually like you've just transported me to the under like water world of Fortnite. And like that's where I'm at in my dreams. Like my feet are going like this. I'm looking at my feet go down a water slide. That sounds like a blade song. No, that shit that wakes me up every fucking time. Like no questions asked. And I don't know if people I don't think a lot of people use that specific sound.
Because I hear the one that everybody uses that they get pissed about on like TikTok. And for the first time ever, they use that alarm sound in a TikTok. And it really did send shudders through my body. Like it really did like activate my fight or flight sound. This is what I have for one of my alarms. Oh my God. Hello. What is this one? Oh, see, you do wake up to that alarm because I was like, dude, you sleep through that every single morning. No, I sleep through it. And then I've switched to this one.
And I sleep through it. I had a sleepover with Rain and she was mad as fuck at me and I'm not allowed to put on alarms in her house anymore because literally she had to keep waking up and find my phone to turn off my alarm because I don't turn them off. I feel like I just nudge it away from me. The vibration will wake me up sometime. You need to get the vibrating bed. Actually, no, you don't. No, I don't.
I'll tell you that much right now. She already never leaves that goddamn bed. She'd be catatonic. Toes curling. I want to get the alarm that you have to shoot with a gun. Y'all haven't seen that? Oh, I know what you're talking about. I feel like it was such a thing in the 90s, like in a movie, some kid would have one and it was like an arcade style gun, like a laser gun. Oh, okay. What is that frequency that...
gives us cancer from our phone. Swear I know of all people. The AR or the VR, what is it called when you're like looking at your phone and like... Oh, the IR? Yeah, infrared, yeah. That shit gives us cancer, by the way. 100%. Bro, everything does, like next. I know, even the fucking fiber I've been taking gives me cancer. But I got scammed by my favorite fucking rapper, y'all. I literally did, like, and I knew, like, I knew...
I was fucking up by buying this, but Edward Skeletrix released an engraved iPod with his new album on it. Oh, I remember. I was like, yeah, you should do that. I know. That's fucking awesome. And no hate. No hate. I got got. Like, simply put. Like, I don't give a fuck. Like, but it was $100 and I want my fucking engraved iPod. But...
- Not the thing is I wouldn't want a refund. The idea is good enough, I'm like, just do it. - And it wasn't directly from Edward Skeletrix. It was from the people selling and engraving them like this. - Oh, it was a random brand. - No, it was like he collaborated with this brand. So I DMed them on the side and was like, can I buy one of those? I really, really want one. And they were like, yeah, sure. Just send your money to this really sketchy ass website link. And I was like, okay, yeah, I will.
And they were like, make sure you put your password in or your address and shit in. And I was like, yeah, I will. That was like a month and a half. They're like, don't forget the last four digits of your social. Yeah, I will. Don't worry. So, yeah, I got scammed trying to get an Edward Skeletrix iPod. And again, I genuinely don't care. I want my money back. But no hate. I got simply put. And then I got scammed three days ago.
This one still really really really hurts me. Like this one actually upsets me.
So and you needed to go to a brawl shop to like get new fucking brawling panties. And I went in there and was like way too horny. So I had to walk out. There was actually a guy in there who I didn't tell you about. Actually, finish your scam and then I'll. So I was like, oh, I'll go next door to the skincare store next door. I walk in. I'll go next door to the skincare store next door. Exactly. I walk in and it is so scary.
sterile sterile and like dark dark dark energy but it's so bright so it doesn't make sense it doesn't compute and it's like really really bad vibes and I'm just like kind of floating around and they're like oh you know we're a spa right and I was like yeah and
I didn't know that. I was like, oh, I just wanted to look at y'all's products. And so I'm like going through the line and I'm like, what's y'all's flagship product? And they're like, oh, it's our hyaluronic acid, da, da, da, da, da. And I was like, oh, do you have body wash? And they like pointed and they were like, it's the big bottle. You can use the hand soap if you want to use any of our products. You should wash your hands and the hand soap smells like the body wash.
which smelled like dick and balls. It really smelled like gooch, like macooch. It was rancid fucking vibes, like rotten tooth. Ew, ew, ew. It was really nasty. So I washed my hands, and I didn't use any of the products because I was literally terrified of everybody in there. And...
I was like, I should just leave. I'm not gonna buy anything. I don't need anything. My skin looks great. I added two new things to my skincare regimen and it completely changed my life. I know that morning he came into my room and he was like, look, and started like shaking his head around. Bitch, people keep asking me if I got facials and babe, I did, but not the kind you're thinking of. But I, um, what was I saying? I got distracted by me getting a facial. I had more flashbacks.
What was I saying? I don't know. People keep asking you about your good fucking. You were like bragging. Yeah. Oh yeah. My skin, my skin is great. No, no, no. I was, I was like, um, I was like, I'm not going to buy anything from this goddamn store because I don't need anything. But the way they were treating me made me just feel like I needed to buy something. They always fucking get you. They always get me. They like prey upon my ego and it works every time. And I should have just fucking walked out because I,
It's not cheap skincare. It's really, really not. I didn't know that was that expensive. Yeah, so I'm like... Because it's a brand they carry in Sephora. So I was like, oh yeah, that would be cute. You go in there. Yeah, I knew it was like...
a little more expensive. And as I was walking out, I was like, actually, you know what? I'm going to prove them wrong. Like they don't think I can buy this shit. I'm going to buy this shit. So I'm like, oh, I'll just get the night serum. And they were like, oh, okay. And they started, they started treating me like I deserve to be treated. They started treating you like a human being. Yeah, exactly. So I get to the checkout counter.
and I see a number flash across the screen and I like didn't even think it was a possibility for this tiny little fucking bot I'm not exaggerating y'all this big this this round this big like the size of Kai's penis like really really really really tiny okay that's not accurate but um but I'm like I see a number flash across the screen and I'm like there's that like there's no way that must have been the order before right like there's no way that that is for that like I had a million like you were trying to convince
Like I was there with you. Like, there's no way. Absolutely. No way. So I'm like sitting there and he's like, oh, I can take your card now. And I was like, okay. And then he like has one of the like portable cards.
He didn't tell me the price and before and like I'm going to tap my card down. I'm like, I was expecting like $100, $120 max on this little fucking vial. Like I would have been uncomfortable. Because it's like a nice skincare brand, but you're not expecting like. Yeah. And I like.
I go to tap my card and I'm like, oh my fucking God. Like y'all, it was 363 fucking dollars for a single vial. A popper sized amount. Literally, literally, literally. It was literally popper size. And I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? And then you paid for it and you walked out and you said that.
exactly i was like y'all's customer service was amazing thank you guys so much for stealing my money stealing my money you guys really made me feel at home you have no idea because that's two of your like biggest insecurities is like being rejected by customer service yes and like financial stuff exactly expensive
Exactly. I know because Drew, literally one thing about Drew is he's not spending that fucking money. Like he's not going to do it. Well, he spends money on me, but for stuff that doesn't matter, he won't spend money. Well, like your hole is cheap, so it's not. Yeah, you're ran through. $25. $25 a pop. I also just want to clarify, oh, my dick isn't like small like a popper. It's actually big like a Yankee candle, but continue. Ew. That is like disgusting. It hurts. It hurts.
But yeah, and then... It hurts. I literally thank them. I thank them for stealing my money. Stealing. It's blind robbery. Bitch.
It has been sitting on my fucking desk for the past three days because I refuse to fucking open that shit and make my skin oily. He was trying to convince one of our friends to go back and return it for him. Oh yeah, this was our method. This was our method. I was gonna, he was like, I think you should still do this. Yeah, it's getting returned. Like the thing is that we are two people nearing 30 at a rapid rate sitting here talking about how you got scammed when really we still navigate the world like children and we're too embarrassed to be like, hi,
the price on that because I'm scared nobody takes me serious so I'm like I don't care well they see me and they don't take me serious which is my fault but also because we literally this is how me and Drew go into stores because we are not social people in that way we go in and
Like all creepy and shit. And we're like... Yeah, we're making jokes. Like we literally whisper to each other and laugh and don't talk to anybody. And it's not to be rude. It literally is. I am so terrified. Because also if I get locked in a conversation, I'm scared. Mainly because I will talk someone's ear off. Yeah. I'll tell them the method that he came up with. Oh.
Drew is going to send one of our friends back to the shop with his card and ID and say, hey, I sent my nephew in here and I told him he could get something nice for himself while I was at another shop. $150 spending limit. He was supposed to only spend $100 to $150 and he spent almost double that. So I need to return this. No, I did spend double that. Almost triple that. So...
He's going to go in with my wallet or with my card, my ID and the receipt and the skincare. But the thing is that doesn't make sense is your pictures on your ID. They're going to like... Just in case they ask. So you killed this man, took his wallet and his skincare and now you're trying to get $360 back on the card? Like what? Not even that, but they're going to be like, this isn't your fucking nephew. Like literally. Like the friend...
I'm adopted. I'm adopted. I'm adopted. I think I actually am adopted. I mean, I think so too. And I think it was a huge mistake.
huge i'm tiny and it has no idea how to compliment me anymore no i don't i don't i don't know what drew wants like anything drew is like my girlfriend who anything i say is going to be a problem she's on her period right now just don't even say anything don't even talk to her what's it called luteal phase yeah like drew is always at his luteal permaludeal there is no wait that's my band name or my drag name is permaludeal or
something there's lu lu i guess it would make sense because you would look like shit all the time luteal bitch fuck you bad one right no luteal l-o-u-t-e-a-l luteal
Fuck you. That cooked. I cooked. That cooked. And you're, and you're trying to compliment me and she'll be like, Oh Drew, you look so like you look so strong today. And I'm like, cool. So I'm fucking ginormous and fat and greasy and gross. And I'm a fucking, I can't say anything today. I was like, Oh my God, you look really good today. You look like tiny. And then he was like, okay, well I was trying to gain weight, but like, it's okay. Fine. I know I gained five pounds and no one noticed. No one noticed. Literally like there is, but also I don't compliment men because,
So I genuinely don't know what to say. I don't know what... What are you even supposed to say to a man to make him happy? You're the man, girl. Don't say shit. That's what you say.
No, literally, I don't plan on ever. Also, I don't need to be good at complimenting like also straight men. But you you are harder to compliment because you're not like a normal gay person. You're like a very weird kind of gay person. Does that make sense? Neither of those are true. Like all my other gay friends. What the fuck are you talking about? So easy. So easy to compliment. Drew, like literally has to be so specific. Literally, all you have to do is say my skin looks nice and my hair looks dense and I will get a boner. Like, ew.
But yeah, I don't know how to compliment men and I don't plan on learning because like I seriously I'm not kidding. I wish I was kidding. I'm like, what could you say to a man that would make it fit? Like you look strong today. But no, if you if you compliment the world, if you put your mind to it, I love you. If you compliment a straight man, they think you're like hitting on them. Yeah, it's like not it's it's really, really dark sided and twisted.
Hey guys, we wanted to take a quick break to thank one of today's sponsors, ZocDoc. Okay, you'll hear me talk about it in this episode. Something horrible, horrible happened to me. I sliced, sliced my finger open down to the bone, inches wide. It was horrible. It was gushing blood everywhere. It was dark. It was sad. And I should have used ZocDoc. I really, I really should have used ZocDoc to go get stitches because...
I now have an open wound on my finger, which I probably should go look, go get it looked at with ZocDoc because it smells like rotting flesh. Ew. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. Stop.
Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash intercom to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash intercom. ZocDoc.com slash intercom. When I need a doctor, I'm heading to ZocDoc.
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You love men. Also, yes, I did wipe shit on my jeans. I put poopy on my jeans. No, I'm a working man. Wait, hold on. Actually, we were talking about poopy butt. I put poopy on my jeans. We were talking about poopy butt earlier today. Me and Kai had a poop butt conversation and me and Nia had a poopy butt conversation. Oh, separately. Wow. Yeah.
Inyo was like, oh, I like wipe my ass with like water from this sink. She stands over the sink and like wipes her ass like that to get the poop out of her butt after she poops. I actually can't have this conversation with you.
and i don't do my ass she doesn't in the same in the same sink she brushes her teeth in it's crazy it's really no actually i have my hairspray bottle for when i like get my hair all curly and i'm too frugal to buy a bidet so i just like put steaming hot water in it and i just put the but the bottle is really long so usually the end of the bottle gets in the poop water but i usually just
-Kai was telling me that he loves when he's showering when he fingers a dingleberry out of his butt. -It's cathartic. -It's really not that funny. It's just funny because it's not funny. -Three 30-year-olds.
I do find poop like jokes to be so funny. They really are so funny. Also, I went and had breakfast this morning and the bitch behind me had the most annoying dog on the planet. And I never wanted so badly to turn around and kick the fuck out of that dog. Like her and that dog needed to fucking go. The saying all dogs go to heaven. Yeah. By my hands. I hate dogs. I really don't fuck with them at all.
I've been killing dogs. No, don't say that. No, I've been killing dogs. Oh, you shouldn't say that on the podcast. No, I've been killing them, you know. I've been running them over. No, guys, I like dogs. No, you know that about me. Wait, what? We're going to act like that's not a thing. Oh, wait, I didn't even tell them what happened to me. Something really, really bad happened to me, y'all. Like something so bad. Mind you, me and Drew haven't been hanging out this week because we've been busy doing our own thing. So, oh my God. Small cut. I'm so sorry.
Drew and this fucking cut. Like one thing about, I don't think, I genuinely don't know if I will let you like raise children because the way you act about like, I feel like you're going to be Gypsy Rose's mom.
No, I know. I will. My kid is sick. I will be a fuck. Nobody gives a fuck to my kid. My kids will be Gypsy Rose's mom and I'll be Gypsy Rose. Like I'll be the one that's sick all the time and I'll be making them make me sick by telling you, oh, can you pour me a glass of water? Meanwhile, I'm putting minute amounts of cyanide in the bottom of the cup. So they're poisoning me.
And it's not me poisoning me. But what was I going to say? Giving yourself munch. What is it? Munchhausen? Munchhausen's by proxy syndrome. Munchhausen's by... Wait, I'm going to munchhausen. I knew it. I'm going to munchhausen on her P word till she's proxy. Munchhausen on her proxy. Yeah, I'm munching on her proxy until she's house and this dick in her vagina.
Right, right. Okay, I need to shut the fuck up. But y'all, I cut myself. I've been cutting myself. We'll insert the pictures of the bloody finger. Look away if you don't want to see them. Also, for audio listeners, I've been cutting myself. We'll insert the picture. It's like...
I was trimming the tendrils off my Monstera. She's a very happy girl. She's very, very happy. That plant hates this bitch. She fucking hates me, bro. Azul fucks that bitch.
That plant hates its fucking life. And it's poisonous to Azul and Azul still eats it. No, Azul is addicted to it. I think Azul gets a little high off of it because he goes and eats it and runs around and then gets under my bed, throws up under my bed. Or throws up in my bed. Yeah, he just goes and throws up. Maybe we shouldn't be talking about poisoning Azul with my Monstera. It's not us poisoning him, it's him. I talk to my vet about that. Get off my dick! I take my cat to the vet. And he doesn't eat it anymore. But I...
I was cutting the tendrils off and I had a serrated blade
I was sawing through all of them. I was like sawing and it was like cutting through a fucking stick. It was like wood and it was like a lot. And it was like rotating the plant around as I was sawing. And I had like about 20 of them to cut through. You know what's crazy is like no one was there. And what you are describing, it sounds like the weakest. It's like not vivid. It's like you're trying to describe this like...
Vivid landscape of like you're in the jungle. It's hacking through the jungle. It's you, a 27 year old almost man on the floor. Bitch, I'm not fucking 27. Chill out. No, literally though. No, I was in such a bad mood too. I was so fucking pissed. I was like so pissed because the plant wouldn't stop rotating around and I'm like, bitch, you're like 300 pounds. Like chill the fuck out. But I'm sawing through it. But I'm...
I'm cutting through all of them and there's about 20 of them and I go one by one and I get through all of them and all of them take the same amount of strength and the same amount of cuts and I'm like, oh wow, this is actually way easier than I thought. Then I get to the last fucking one, the last little tendril and I'm sawing and I like go in there and I'm like, I'm using the same amount of pressure that I did before and it cuts like fucking butter and then I saw through it and it saws through my fucking finger and my fingernail and
and i split my skin i should have got stitches legit you should have just killed yourself i know i thought about it yeah that's what i would have done wait why would i kill myself i just had like a quarter inch cut because honestly you you're already starting oh yeah like go in i didn't even think about that with her i just agree with that sentiment it's just like i'm the kind of go-getter that like once i start i don't like i don't stop like finish yep it's my time
I thought you said it's bedtime. Drew called me and said that his skin was rotting off of his finger. No, it is disgusting. Like he should have just gone to the ER and just at least had it like rinsed out with like a good, he should have gone to Rite Aid and get a little thing. I'm alive and I still have my full fucking finger. Well, you look sickly. You have, actually, you know what? This is so disgusting and I'm going to out myself for the nastiest thing ever. I have had a really dense experience
past month just been busy and i'm not hearing oh i thought you were saying you had a dense period that's what i thought too no but i did have the kind of period that felt like the period of christmas past it was like bubble bubble brew brule and like soil like whatever the witches would say over the pot like that's what it was what the fuck was that was it they're like bubble bubble brule and something like i've never heard that once in my life you have it's like hold on i'll look it up you keep you keep telling um i forgot what i was saying so
Your period was bad. I've been having a dense month. Oh, bitch. This is actually disgusting. It's better now, guys. I'm not somebody who like...
I don't get like pedicures all the time. I used to get them all the time, but now I like maintain my own hands and feet at home because I could actually, I would rather walk into the street and get hit by oncoming traffic than sit in a random place with a stranger who I met three seconds ago when they're rubbing between my toes and I have to act like they're not there, but also be like, thank you. You're doing an amazing, like, it's just a lot. Some people really like touching feet.
I mean, that's what I was thinking yesterday, because I'm not going to lie. When I was going in on my own toes, I had to go in. I wish I took a picture of my feet. Granted, I also cleaned crazy yesterday and like my feet were really dirty. I'm like,
I was so cold in my toes where I literally had Nosferatu feet. Like there's no other way to describe it. I had Nosferatu claws. Were they worse than mine? No, my feet. I've been so busy and disassociated from my body as of recent that I have not looked at my feet. No, it's not a good thing because my shit was rank as...
Like I can't even fly. It was nasty. Now they look amazing. I like did them up. I gave like, I really like, but there was a remodeling happening last night. Like last night we closed early. Is that why I had the chainsaw? Dude, I was sitting at my, like in my room for two hours. It took me two hours. Wait, can I see them? Wait, let me see them. Wait, let me have that sock. Can I see your sock? I hate them.
Oh, Drew's making fun of me. Yeah, Kai has something to share. Did you guys see what happened on TikTok? No. This week. I basically got outed, and I think we should address it on TikTok. And yeah, I don't know if you've seen this, but... It's so bad. It is really... I didn't know she was recording. Okay, let me just say that. It is so bad. Tell me how beautiful that sock is. That sock is so beautiful. So just... That sock is so...
- Ew, I don't like that 'cause it really does sound like you. That is like, I can't match that. - Yeah, it sounds like you. - Don't keep watching, it's the funniest thing I've ever seen. - I wore that sock a while. I took a walk in that sock. - Has she panned over yet? - It's on FaceTime. - The sock is so crazy. - The sock is in the room. Like why is the sock in the room with you and not him? I thought he had the sock. - No, it's showing the sock on FaceTime. Like that's the craziest part. - Honestly,
if like people that perverted could find, if like people that perverted could genuinely just find another person who could be that perverted with them, there's something sweet about that. Does that make sense? I'm like, oh, he really does just like is weird as fuck, but like respect.
That's what I was saying about swingers. I literally think swingers are so cute to me. Like legitimately, I think they're so cute. Like, like people that have been there. Yeah. Oh, older swingers, younger swingers are nasty. Swinging in your thirties. Um, but like get a grip, 50 year old swingers, six year old that have been together for like 20 plus years, 30 years. And like their sex life has gotten a little boring and they're like, let's spice things up. Like let's hook up with men and women. Like what if we did that? And like,
I don't know. I just think it's so cute that they like they explore. They explore. Because also in my head, a lot of those I'm idealizing that idea. But I'm like, oh, y'all have really been together for so long. You actually are just homies now. In a way, we are swingers. Yeah, we are. Like we show up and we like we I mean, we're always present at each other's like sexual activities. Yeah. You know what? We don't need to talk about that.
that but you know the roommate phase you ever heard of that no there's like a phase in relationships when people move in together the roommate phase and it's like the that's what kills most relationships and i was just like reading a bunch about it and like reading you watched a tiktok a single tiktok reading a bunch you know that was real too no i know also
like not not just reading about it i was reading a bunch like don't get it twisted i didn't see one paragraph not two i saw like a few pages if you think about it they did a bunch of reading on it and they relayed the information to me it's not different we should just start saying like someone told me yeah that should be the new life someone told me someone told me i can't remember who but someone
I'm an expert now. I'm an expert now on the roommate phase. Go look it up. It kills a lot of relationships. It's because they move in together and then they've never lived together. And it's like when you move in with a roommate you hate and then like you kind of butt heads and then things get stagnant and you're just hanging out all day and you're like, oh my God, I want my own fucking space. Oh my God, leave me the fuck alone. Oh my God, I hate you. Clean up after yourself. Oh my God, we're roommates. We don't do anything. We just stay inside all fucking day long. I just don't think any couple needs to live together. Like I genuinely think
Living with a friend makes more sense to me. Yeah. It's also giving like we don't desire like that. We have each other so we don't like... We're never lonely. I feel like it's like people that are alone all the time and go to sleep alone and don't have roommates. They want partners really badly to hang out with all day long. But we have each other which...
is a beautiful thing i just don't think i'd want to hang out with a partner all day long no i'm the same way like if i ever date someone i literally need to see them maybe once a month i'm not kidding i mean it does keep the excitement alive like why do i have to see you every day also i mean i was it no i was gonna say i like living with a i've always known i wasn't the kind of person who could live with a partner because i did that for a very brief time in my
early early 20s like when i was 1920 um that was so i mean when i was 1920 like when i was 1900 yeah she was 1910 years old i did that very briefly but i didn't want to do it like i genuinely i always knew from the beginning i was like this is not a good idea i got convinced into doing it guess what the motherfucker moved out six months later and we got into an argument the second we moved in because i wasn't picking up fast enough after myself when i was cooking and i was like you still don't
I do when I'm cooking. I'll clean up after I cook. No, you do. I'm kidding. I'm not doing the dishes after I cook. Damn, can I fucking chill? I just cooked. That's why I literally am like, cooking food is evil. Cooking food is fine when it's healthy. It's really demonic. It really is demonic. I'm not kidding. Cooking is demonic? Yeah. I think getting on that fucking... Oh, wait. Can we talk about Lady Gaga?
And how she's back in her demonic era. I know. I'm so happy she's back. Thank God she's back in her denomic era. Denomic? Denomic, yeah. I don't know what that word means. Denomic is something I've been working on. She looked good at the Grammys. Yeah. Dude, she is like one of the most gorgeous people ever. I love her so much. Also, everyone was just amazing to me. Did you see Cynthia singing for the Quincy Jones? Tribute. Tribute.
She makes it look so fucking easy. I know, that's the thing I don't like. Also, Dochi. Because I think I can do that. I'm like, hmm. Y'all, Dochi, like, I knew, I knew, but now I know. Like, you know what I mean? Like, literally that performance was mind-blowing. I was so gagatandra 3000 by it. Like, literally bury me gagging.
I was, I ate that shit up and I was like, oh, this is exactly what she needed. Like, no, I know she is just so fucking good. Also, she's gorgeous as fuck. But her NPR tiny desk, I think will be, I wonder if you still listen to that every day. I listen to it. It's my favorite thing to listen to my pastime. Like it's so good. Cause it just like, I really like when people reimagine albums. I listened to the album too, but just except when I go to a concert instruments, except when I go to a concert and I want to hear, um,
Travis Scott?
No, I was going to say, Drake doing that was the greatest. Yeah, you're over. That's when we should have known it was like, it was time to pack it up because what do you mean you're performing your hit song and now you think you can sing? Like, we've always let you get away with a little bit of the singing, but now it's like, ah!
Like, give it up. You're trying. You're boring. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bruh. Boy. Boy. But yeah, the Grammys were such a night for the girls. Sabrina's performance. Everyone was good. Chapel, like, duh, duh, duh. You already know. Like,
you everyone knows it was like the best grammys ever it was so fan servicey in the best way like i don't think anybody left angry billy eilish i felt was snubbed in a couple ways that made me really which i was upset about and like but i think people thought she was crying that she didn't win album of the year but i think she was crying for beyonce because beyonce had never won them yeah and like it was very granted beyonce has 35 fucking
But no, winning album of the year is a huge thing. Oh, I also signed up to get a pre-sale access to her new tour. Oh my God. She's coming to LA for like four nights. I was going to say, because she has so many, but them always...
snubbing her of album of the years crazy and i i when i first saw her reaction like to winning country album i was like i think she's like playing it up a little bit but then i really was like oh no she genuinely did not think because imagine how many years she went thinking also for country album like yeah that's t that's t chapel like killed it always she's that girl um sabrina um
I really, really liked her performance. I think it's so fun to not take yourself as serious. Like,
If Gaga smiled a little bit more and wore less makeup, she'd be way hotter. She'd put her hair up in sweatpants. She'd be way hotter. Hey, can any of the pop girls, can you start just wearing sweatpants, throwing your hair up in a bun? No makeup. You just don't give a fuck. Yeah. Well, we need the pop girls. I know that it feels like we are being banished to the basement for all the fun we had with the pop girls last year, but I need y'all to pick it back up. Please. Please.
please because like you said it perfectly i think we took for granted like last year for media in general but music and specifically pop music from the girls it was such a good year and a lot of these bitches are the type of bitches to be like i'm taking a two-year break because like i care and like yes i actually really appreciate that you guys care about like your mental health your mental health
But I'm waiting. Exactly. We're waiting. What the fuck am I going to listen to? Like, why has Rihanna not released an album? I honestly, I can't lie. I wanted to say that way because I kind of love an artist and dig on such a high note. Wait, you know what's actually interesting is Rihanna took a page out of my book, not releasing an album and constantly teasing it all the time. With Drew Moji. Yeah. She jacked my swag, low key.
We want to take a break for one of today's sponsors quick. Oh my God, bruh. Honestly, I genuinely don't know what more I can say about this damn ass toothbrush because I genuinely love it. Um, I have to replace my head because I chew on it because I,
something's wrong with me, but it genuinely is the most clean my teeth have ever felt in my life. And I know that is true. And I'm not just saying it to say it because since I have to replace my head, my dumb ass didn't sign up for the renewal of like the heads to just have them shipped in the mail. And I have been using a regular toothbrush and I'm not kidding. I don't think I've brushed my teeth properly in like three days. So no head?
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And save 20% side-wide plus a free travel case and countertop stand at getquipqip.com slash intercom. getquipqip.com slash intercom. I'm such a good reader. Thank you, guys. Also, the Lady Gaga Bruno Mars song. If the world didn't want to be next to Drew.
Wait, also, me singing "Bags" by Claro going absolutely fucking viral everywhere...
That was what you were saying? I couldn't even tell. I couldn't even tell what this was. You ugly motherfucker. Oh my God. You ugly bitch. No, Kyle looks good today. No, you do look gorgeous. I think you look good in navy or like this zip up. Thank you. I mean, you are quite literally just copying my vibe. No, I'm not. Genuinely from head to toe. You're in the same jeans, a zip up. Oh yeah, it's because I'm obsessed with you guys.
sis we've been me my passport literally says i'm from we've been new we've been uses was that like a joke on twitter you made we've been uses up it was it was we've been new sis and then you like said like i'm from we've been uses or some shit like that and like it like became culturally it wasn't a thing until you said we've been exactly
I swear to God, because I remember. It's just too easy, because remember when that was flooding comments? Like, okay, what am I going to look at? Weebanusis. Like noted weebanusis. I just caught weebanusis. I overdosed on weebanusis. Fuck, I can't wait to smoke a weebanusis after this. Oh, yeah, it's going to hit so fast. Well, I think what would really bring us together right now is another Step Up movie.
We need, we are high, it is high time. Also a scary movie. For a step, we've had like eight million. Talk to the hand. No, no, no, I mean parody movies. Oh, oh, yeah. Like I want to write a parody movie. Well, we saw that one scary movie together. Queer. That was scary.
that was scary why was it scary for you guy no it was a horror movie you know what it was a horror movie for me you know what it is scary to go and see yourself for the first time i was gonna say it was a really really scary movie for me i'm not kidding like i really walked out of there and it made me think a lot of really scary thoughts how i am an evil person and i'm gonna be alone forever because i've been both sides and i have a lot of bad karma i
from both sides now. Can you come fix this? Thank you. That was me singing Jenny Mitchell. And if you guys were wondering what I've been up to, just on the side, I've been thinking a lot and I think I want to make some videos where I kind of just like
- I can talk to the camera and get a bit more personal, but I'm having a hard time doing it because I just feel like at that age where it's a bit embarrassing to get on camera and just talk to a camera. But maybe that's like not the way I should be viewing it. - Okay, we just wrapped it. But you haven't seen the movie so it won't make sense to you, but it'll hit. - But fucking, I said at least she has taste in something 'cause the belt is good. - Wait, can you say it one more time? - I said Kai's belt was nice.
and then he said it's his ex-girlfriends and i said at least she's got taste in something wait one more time it was a joke like my ex-girlfriend is really hot and she we could cut that out we can leave it in i think that's cool i mean she is a baddie i know she is she's like she's girl trade no she is she
like no it's so fucked up kai pulls the baddest bitches actually all of our friends have girlfriends who if left in a room alone with me i would be really awkward i would just be really scared like i actually i wouldn't do anything but i'd be like what if we did do something oh i was dude my girlfriend about something the other night that's like really freaky what did you say
Sorry. Yeah, it's like overwhelmed. It was so freaky. I finished that. No, I can't say it on the internet. What did you say though? You said something weird. I said my girlfriend is so slutty. Just for you, babe. True. Should we get into media? Yeah, well, I just want to say about, look, the movie, I know it wasn't a horror movie. I'm not homophobic. It was a scary experience for me because media...
Drew was like, we're sitting together. Kai invited me to go see Queer alone, me and him. No, he tricked me. He was like, we're going to go see a cool straight movie. We're going to see Wolf of Wall Street. It's back in theaters. We walk into that shit. It's a movie called Queer and I'm freaking out. I'm sweating. I'm inching way, really, really close. And then he's like, oh, by the way, you can have as much popcorn as you want. But he puts it on his dick. And so every time I had to grab it,
And then he would wink at me. It was weird. Well, you kept getting closer and closer. The thing is, like, that's the way y'all, like, play or joke with each other. So I really can't, I can imagine, like, all of that. No, that's literally, like, we were doing all of that as a bit. But no, Kai inviting me to go see Queer is crazy, first of all. I love Luca. No, it was. Oh, Luca Guadalajara. My take on the movie was rape.
No, it was awesome. It was a good vibe. And like, I do think it is really good for gay men to go see because it is really eyeopening in a lot of ways, specifically younger gay men. Also, it's really good for older gay men to see, to be like, Oh, this experience that I'm experiencing is like universal because it's not talked about in the gay community at all. Um, but just don't be a dickhead period. Yeah.
That's it. I need to see it really bad. I'm like late on the movies. I literally, I was the last human on the planet Cenos for R2. That shit was empty as fuck. Kai clocked its tea so bad though. Like in a good way. He was like, it's what...
Bo's Afraid? Yeah, yeah. What'd you say? It was like the gay version of Bo's Afraid. Like the good version. You said it's the good version of Bo's Afraid. The good version. Yeah, but also the gay version. I liked it a lot more than Bo's Afraid, but it feels like a similar type of movie. I need to watch it. It was really, really weird for him to do. Like random? Yeah, like for Luca to like put out. Speaking of Luca. Actually, I don't even know if I can talk about it. The trade? The like Lakers trade? Yeah.
Y'all, y'all, the worst, the worst. I genuinely think that ruined my life. It like literally ruined my life. And I contemplated suicide. I've never cried in my life before. And I cried over the Luca trade. You've never cried in your life? Yeah, he was supposed to be a maverick for the rest of my goddamn life. Because I'm planning on dying at 35. He was supposed to be at the Mavericks for the rest of my life. Well, he didn't still be playing basketball. Yeah, he didn't want to...
Leave. He didn't. He loved the Mavericks. He thought he was going to die a Maverick. He was dirt 2.0 and they fucking traded him. They stabbed him in the goddamn back because, oh, he's gained a little weight, bitch. Suck my dick and balls. Is that what it was? Yeah. Yeah. That's their reason is like the real reason is I don't think they wanted to sign him to the super max contract, which is insane.
If you stay with the team that drafted you, like the franchise that drafted you for a certain amount of years, you're eligible for a super max if you're good enough. And he's a top three player in the fucking league. It literally upsets me so bad, which means he would have been eligible next year for a $365 million contract, which is the biggest in NBA history. And their quote unquote concerns were that his conditioning was like,
Not up to par, but I did find out that they said he had a wrist injury to the public. But in reality, he had 11 days to lose weight and he didn't lose weight. So then they were like, girl, fuck you. We're trading you. But he took him to the finals last year. They were building an amazing fucking team.
They were going to go to the finals once he was healthy and they fucking traded him away. He just bought a house in Dallas 12 days ago. They really, it really is a business. And if Luca's not safe, no one's fucking safe. And free throw merchants, Shea, Gilgis, Alexander better watch the fuck out. That didn't sound like a real sentence. I'm a full time Spurs fan. To me that sounded like emojis. Yeah, literally. I'm a full time Spurs fan.
Now, I used to split my time between the Spurs and the Mavericks, and I was really a Mavericks fan because I grew up with Dirk and all of my passwords to everything were Nowitzki45. Love Dirk. They were about to become Don Shades 77, but they traded him away. And now really what I hope happens is a meteor strikes the arena and kills everybody inside.
Because they backstabbed my friend Luca. We're really close. You don't know him. Yes, we do. You don't know him. You're always saying, we have a game tonight. We have a game tonight. Wait, he is? Never. Like, no. He is? He lives in LA now. And he's fine shit. So you think you're going to pull him? I could pull him. I really could. I think he's low-key gay as fuck. Not actually. But there's a bunch of gay NBA players. I mean, yeah.
Well, yeah. Well, yes, I know a few and I've actually talked to one on FaceTime before. I scared the shit out of her walking by. But no, I really have talked to a very, very, very, very, very, very, very famous person.
Like one of the goats on FaceTime with my buddy Drew. It was two Drews on FaceTime. And I have a screenshot of it because I was like so gagged by it because I was like... Yeah, I guess I never realized what a big deal that was for you. But like basketball, like sports to me, it genuinely doesn't exist. That's something that doesn't exist until I see it. Like if no one ever mentioned a sport to me ever again, other than maybe like soccer, because...
I see a ball, I'm kicking it. It's called football, babe. Like, simply I see a ball on the floor and I'm kicking it. It's called football, babe. Get into your media. Write the fuck now. I'm not done talking about Luca. Is your heart beating? No, my stomach is, um, actually your heart is beating. That was a trick question.
This lighting looks awful. Yeah, it's really, really scary. But Luca, my glorious king, I'm sorry they did you like that. Just know that I'm here for you. I'm happy that you're in a large market team. Oh my God, I didn't even get into the worst part. His contract, $364 million. Wow.
He got traded. He's not eligible for the supermax anymore. Now the largest contract he can get is 229 million. So he lost a hundred million dollars on that trade, which is like, okay, he's still making $229 million. It's not that big of a deal. But if you, I guess if you've been anticipating it and like staying with the team, obviously because you like love the team, but also because you've dedicated your time there, you like want that. Exactly. Also like, especially if somebody told me I was going to get that.
Don't play with me. Like, literally. Your stomach is about to fucking explode. I know, I'm just twerking. You hungry? I am. I bet. Thank you. And he also has to pay 15% state income tax. Oh my god, I just feel so bad for him and I hate the Mavericks and I hope they all die and I hope fucking Anthony Davis, who's made out of literally pulled pork because he fucking like
Breaks a ligament every two seconds. They're all geriatric. They're literally all old as fuck. They're all the fucking bags. Fuck the Mavericks. They're all old. Don't say that about Frida Kahlo, bro. Wait, what? You said Anthony Davis. Oh, eyebrows. Yeah. Because I literally, I only know who Anthony Davis is because of that screenshot from like, I think two people on Omegle or like Twitch. And this girl had a picture of
Frida Kahlo in the back or like vice versa but one of them was like oh that's Frida Kahlo or that's Anthony Davis I think the guy was like Anthony Davis is behind you and she was like what that's Frida Kahlo one of the first gifts I've ever seen was Anthony Davis and his um unibrow breaking off his head and turning into an eagle and flying away because he did have people made fun
made fun of it so bad a unibrow it's chic it's so chic also he don't get it twisted i love you frida that's me to answer also don't get it twisted i love anthony davis and his run in college he was probably the greatest college freshman of all time but he is going to die
Dude, viewership has knocked it off crazy. I know, I'll shut up, I'll shut up. Like, this is insane. I'll shut up, I'll shut up. But see how nice I was, guys? I'm a really nice friend. I just let that happen. That was for the three gay men that actually listened to Bass. Not even straight. Yeah, they're all gay.
Because I don't know if straight men make it this far into an episode. Does that make sense? Like, I feel like they kind of watch so that they can tell the pretty girl or guy they're talking to. Yeah. Or I guess they wouldn't be straight. The guys in Bushwick. I can't really imagine. I just can't imagine a straight guy watching this. Like, I really, I can't picture him just like. There are straight guys that watch it. What are you doing, eating? Well, you couldn't imagine it. One of the hosts is a fucking straight guy. Not Kai. I'm not a host. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah.
Can I step on your toes? Period. Yes. Wait, why am I so lightheaded? I think it's because I just talked for 40. I like stemmed out and mansplained for 14 minutes. I know. Literally, I like really lost consciousness. Y'all, people want to say I don't know ball. Actually, no one's ever said that. And the fact that I know a little bit of basketball blows everyone's fucking mind every single fucking time I talk about it. Because people are homophobic.
I know, literally. Bitch, I'm trade. Hello? Queen, I'm trade. Oh, boyfriend, I'm nervous. What? Say hydrated. Hydrated. You don't know that video? I don't. It's Addison saying, someone's like, oh, you're staying hydrated. And she's like, hi. He's like, what? She's like, hydrated. Literally one of the greatest videos of all time. Thank you.
Boyfriend I'm nervous. What is that? Also Addison Rae. Are you kidding me? One to ten how attractive am I? Boyfriend I'm nervous.
Then she, she's really my goat. I want to see the hydrated. No, she is like top 10. Like also I genuinely think super max contract. No, she's, she's going to go on a generational run this year. Unlike anything we've ever seen. Um, when she drops her goddamn album, it's going to change lives specifically hers. She's going to be taken seriously, more seriously as an artist. Like I really do think she's about to like,
like really really tap in in a very big way because she's like a she's a student of fucking pop like she she also got that one fucking producer and writer that wrote all of britney fucking spears's hits to write on her shit so she automatically already has four fucking like smash hits on her album can i feature on a song piece yeah edison um can we feature actually i will literally just whistle actually i'm supposed to be whistling on clero's album i'll clap on your album
Did I not tell you about that? Clara wants me to whistle. There's no way. I'm sure she actually saw you singing her song in a check because I saw she blocked you. I saw she like you guys. No, actually, if you go to one of your posts. Wait, who the fuck was that? My man. Okay, well, my media of the week is. Travis Scott. Honestly, just wait. What's the album by Steve Lacey? Gemini or Gemini Rites? Gemini's Rise. I don't know. I don't know.
- Stay hydrated. - I fucking love her. - I love her, bro. You know what it is? She like, her and your mom have such a similar like very specific to like Southern women sweetness. Like it's that same kind of like, just kind of like, huh, what? But is actually smart. - Yeah, she's so sick.
She's about to change life. I guess that's like my mom too. My mom's a little ditzy. I love my mom. I'm very bullish. I'm very bullish on Addison Rae. Boyfriend. Okay, my media of the week is Sunday Best by Bobby Gentry. Is that how you say that? I don't fucking know. And honestly...
Gemini Rites by Steve Lacey. I've been listening to that album again, and I actually can't believe that that album came out almost three years ago, because in my head, that album still came out last year. No, I won't. That's embarrassing. My Media, You're Gonna Be Pissed, but Out of Touch, Daryl Hall, and John Oates.
Oh, Club Tropicana by Wham. That's one of mine. I was listening to something in the car that was so goaded, but I can't remember what it was. I listened to it over and over again. I can't remember. But Drew Siop, lest we forget, tapeworms are nature's ozempic.
I mean, yeah, I remember I met a kid in fifth grade who had a tapeworm and I was so fucking terrified. We like it was one of the friends whose house we went over to. And I obviously didn't know how tapeworms worked, but he like the mom was talking about it to my mom. And I heard that and I was like,
holy shit and i became hyper fixated on tapeworms for the next like five months every time i got to a computer with google working i would look up tapeworms and see what they look like and i would look in my poop because i thought that kid gave me a tapeworm i i used to want to tape wait rfk literally does have tapeworms i want rfk to fucking burn in a fire that i the sadukar champ from dune um
the worms in his brain chanting for him to lower the cooked meat temperature so tapeworms can form and annihilate the human race. -Oh, God. No. -Okay, wait. Let me find my psyops real quick. "I had a nightmare young Maul was twerking."
Is it gay for a man to wear a big t-shirt to bed with no drawers on? Yes. Well, I do not want your penis to peek out from under your shirt. I know. God, bro. Like such an animatonic failure. Animatonic? Yes. Yes. Right. That's a universally bad look. Like a guy with a long shirt and no pants on. That's a bad look. No one's pulling that off.
Except maybe Drew. Drew could pull that off. No, he could not. I could easily. What? I literally could. You would need the longest shirt in the world because your penis is so long. Oh, yeah. I forget about that. You'd need a muumuu. You wearing the muumuu to Coachella.
That is one of my favorite videos of you like like dipping down with the purse. Oh, dude, it's so gross. That is. And your beard. You have such a dense beard. I know. It's so crazy. Let's read this one. You sounded like not into that movie at all. That is so crazy. Yeah.
Y'all need to start sending me more fucking psyops. Like, damn. Like, holy shit. I'm mad at me for rushing him. And he's putting the anger on y'all. Y'all really are kids, bro. We also get like 300 a day. I know. He's like,
Wait, in the which email? The official one. I don't ever. I don't have access to that email. They just sent them to my business email. No, dude. That email is ran through with them. I've literally never known that email is like completely overtaken by psyops. But there's definitely some motherfucker out there who's like, bro, the code is you send it to Drew's personal. Yeah, just leak that shit. OK, whatever. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. Suck my dick. Wait, I thought.
Bye.