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Down the line, say something fucked up does happen and I do end up getting a blood clot. Bitch, I'm living one because I'm never gonna die. Like, I'm the luckiest person alive. I'll never die. And in two years when I'm dead, they're gonna clip that and be like, you're a fucking liar. Not that we feel invincible.
No one's gonna kill me. Exactly. I'm not being killed by accident. Yep. Um, and that's that on that. I'm not gonna go into depth, but it's just like, I, I, I like that. I think we can infer what you mean. Okay, but like, not in like a scary way, because I don't want to scare anyone or like trigger anyone or like make anyone feel uncomfortable, but like,
I remember this is a conversation I had with a friend when we first met and we had a debate about this where I was like, no fucking murderer is going to murder me, bitch. I see you coming and I feel like I have no other option. I'm doing the job because I'm not giving you the satisfaction of doing it. You're not getting off on killing me. Yeah, no one is getting off on killing me, not even the universe. So if I gotta do what I gotta do, I'm gonna do what I gotta do. I'm gonna recycle my body back to earth. But what I was saying is like,
I'm not gonna die from the vaccine and if for some reason in 30 years my blood starts clotting I'm going to survive and I'm going to sue and I'm gonna get my bag and I'm gonna distribute my wealth you slay the most insane hypothetical ever like okay girl no the way the way I take hypotheticals so serious like
Like, sometimes, like, we're close to ending our relationship over a hypothetical. And it's literally because of me being like, I don't believe in aliens. And Drew will literally throw it. Like, I will never see this man as angry as me disagreeing with a hypothetical.
And he gets so mad because I just, I can't get into it. I'm like, I am grounded in reality. It's because you're disagreeing with everything at my core. It's like, it's like you literally just disagree with me as a person. Did I tell you about one time me and Orion were out for drinks and, um,
It was with Josh too and it's the hypothetical of marrying Harry Styles or Timothee Chalamet on the spot came up and I said I wouldn't do that. I was like, I don't know them. I was like, not only at my core, I don't believe in marriage because it's fucking insane. I'm not marrying anyone, not even the love of my life at any point in my life. So why would I marry this random?
You wish we got married. You tried it. See, like I said, not even my platonic soulmate can bag me. No one is getting me to sign those stupid fucking papers. And then she got really, really mad. She got so upset at me. I'm about to get upset at you right now. Like, okay, first of all, I don't think, and this is a big take. I don't think sexually we would have good chemistry. Me and Harry or me and Timothee Chalamet. Could you imagine us kissing?
No, I literally cannot even imagine. Like those are just two men that like, I don't think biologically we could get it going anyways. So I'm not wearing that. Like I'm not doing that to myself. I'm fucking Harry Styles. They're two men.
they are so disconnected from reality in my head i cannot comprehend that they are living beings let alone having to have some sort of like relationship with them like that like maybe timothy on like a friendly level but even that like i crack up at his existence not because i find him like corny or anything but people at that level literally make me laugh it's like kylie jenner like if i
if I saw Kylie Jenner girl if I just saw her out if Kylie Jenner came up to me and just started talking to me I would crack the fuck up I'm like you're you're not real like there is no comprehending someone and also because I just think about like sometimes when our followers meet us and they're like I can't believe like I'm looking at you right now like that with Timothee Chalamet with Harry Styles I
like put it that man is a like god in your brain no he is a fucking 3d render like he's not a real human like I've
fascinated about his existence since i was literally yeah his fucking cock since i was like 14 so therefore his cock does not exist actually i literally can't look at anyone and see their genitals like my biggest girl where are you going now i'm just ranting but like no you know how like some people like no listen you know some people look at someone and they like can sexualize someone i
I cannot sexualize anyone for the life of me. Like I genuinely, I have to, whoa. - I can. - I have to get to know someone first and then I'm like, oh maybe, maybe. But I don't find people sexy. Like I'm not, like I find women sexy, but like men, I'm like, can you fucking get the fuck out of my face?
- But that's a difficult question. - Damn, okay. - I just have to get to know a man first because men like off rip are so gross. They're so gross. - I wholeheartedly agree with you. - Yeah, and then when you get to know them, it's like, okay, stinky, I kinda like you. - Okay, stinky, okay, onion powder. You know what, onion powder, I kinda like you. - But yeah, that's my rant about not being able to imagine myself marrying Timothée Chalamet or Harry Styles. - I'd have sex with both of them.
I mean, we could talk about how I know for 1000% fact that I can cross the big red balls in Wipeout without a doubt. If they put them in front of me right now, I would literally go so beast mode. You just say you couldn't carry a gallon of milk and you think you're crossing those balls? I'm crossing those balls with zero effort.
Like I'm just running like a robot across like like literally that's all you have to do is just run across like these bitches have the wrong strategy when they dive onto it like yeah of course you're gonna fucking fly off like it's simple physics it's literally like I have it all worked out in my brain like physics. Well then apply to be on fucking wipeout I don't think it's the hardest thing in the world. No I'm literally gonna rent them for myself just to prove it to myself. I would love that because I would love to try.
That's my next video. Literally, where are you going to rent that? You're acting like it's at fucking that sky zone. You have to like... I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. I figured everything out. You don't.
I have nothing figured out. Literally yesterday, Drew was like, I want to see a building get demolished. I'm going to go do that. And I was like, what? Sometimes when Drew's in my passenger seat talking in the car, I genuinely feel like there's an automated AI machine trying to make something to relate to me. And then it's just missing because I'm like, what are you talking about? No, okay. I just want to see...
a building fall. It's poetic almost. It's like the destruction of humanity, post capitalism, like buildings falling. It's beautiful. And I have a, literally every tick tock, the post capitalist ramifications of the deep popification. Yeah, literally. But I just think seeing a building fall would hit a spot in me that needs to be hit. Yeah. I get that because I was like, it would be beautiful. Like literally that was like,
when we lived in 1304 and we like all had like a very unhealthy... - That weird fantasy. So basically... - No, don't even talk about it. Don't... It's bad. It's bad. Like that's something that stays with me. - We wanted to see buildings get like basically blown up but like again, no one inside. We just like... It's just like wanting to see that kind of thing. It's just like I want to see that. - Just destruction and chaos. Like literally for the longest time, I just wanted chaos and then I got chaos and I was like, "Take it back, please."
I can't do this. I want it anymore. You were like, wait, why does that sound fun? Why does that sound lit? That sounds lit. Fucking stupid. Yeah. Okay, um...
Last bill I'll expose is I went to the gynecologist like six... No, dude, it's almost a year ago now. I went to the gynecologist because I was like, I need to just go get my coochie checked on because something funky is happening down there. This discharge looks a little funky. Funky town is getting a little too funky. And honestly, her discharge did taste weird. Like...
Ketown was violating some of the clauses in their bill. But yeah, it was itchy, itchy, stink, stink. That's the scary part. It didn't smell different. That was what was scaring me, actually. But basically, I found out that I had bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection at the same time, which is pretty common. But we made sourdough bread in that oven. What's wrong with you?
When I went, they were like, oh. That was a bar, right? They were like, you have to get tests to know if you have bacterial vaginosis. And they were like, well, we have to test this swab. And that the lab tests are going to run you like $500 because I also don't have health insurance. And then I was like,
Okay. And they were like, oh, but you could just pay $250 now and we'll send you the $250 bill later if that makes you more comfortable. Well, like when, after we get the test results back, we'll give you the rest. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to do that. Because like, one, I don't want to spend $500 right now. And then two, how the fuck do I know y'all are actually going to give me those results? So I was like, okay. And I spent the $250 and I was like, okay, yeah. I even have the voice memos that I sent to you when I was like, I just spent $500 for my pussy to be fucking swabbed. Um,
But... Like the fact that that's a voice memo on my phone. I need to find it. Basically, not too long later, I get a pretty little bill in the mail and I'm like, oh, this is the 250 I owe. I opened it and it's $1,600 and it doesn't... They gave me an itemized bill. It doesn't have any late fees on there or anything. See, that's why you bitches should have kept your fucking mouth shut. Letting everyone...
I wish there was a way for everyone to know that you needed to get an itemized bill without the people themselves knowing, like the people who will give you itemized bill, because now they know that they're like, bitch, don't ask any questions. We're going to send you the itemized bill. You can't even ask for it. But basically, I haven't paid that back. And I'd literally rather my fucking pussy shrivel up and fall off my body than to go back. Because I'm not giving y'all anything.
We're literally just airing out like us like breaking the law like we're literally criminals and fugitives because I have a medical bill that I have insurance like I have insurance and for some reason they keep trying to get me to pay $260 and I'm like evading that bill like fuck y'all I'm not paying that like come for my credit I don't even have a credit score because I will never
never, ever, ever, ever get a credit score. I swear to God. Girl, you say that and so we need to fucking get our own apartments and how the fuck are you going to move in? You're going to co-sign for me. I will. I do that for all my friends. Thank you. I was thinking about that last night. I was like,
Now, how the fuck am I going to get a car in an apartment? I was like, I'll just have someone co-sign. I literally would co-sign. I co-signed for all my days. I'll take the L because I don't believe in that shit anyway. I'm like, a credit score. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm like, you can see my credit score, but I don't know if you want to believe that kind of stuff. They say all sorts of lies these days. No, no, no. But yeah, we need to pay that.
though because like bad like no because you're not gonna we're not gonna be able to get our own places yeah i know my credit score is not budging i'm just gonna have to be like please look like believe in me
Put some faith in me, please. Have a little trust in me. We should wait until the stock market crashes, the housing market crashes, because it's just been put afloat. They've been prolonging 2008 for so long. And then we should just buy houses because there'll be like literally pennies on the dollar. Like I will buy a $3.1 million home for $1 million and I will get rich in four years off that house, baby. That's my goal. I don't know anything about that. Anyway, let's get back to the topic of this fucking podcast.
Yeah. The day I wore that like Elmer Fudd, um...
I was out for ice cream with Mason and Dante and I like took it off to talk about how greasy my hair was It was literally like laid flat like I put gel in it. It stuck to your head the cap stuck to your head And that's okay because you have to train your hair to be oily. And also it's healthy and also When you get like when you get three weeks deep and like you like wring out the oil It's like actually free cooking oil. I'm gonna start slapping people
Imagine when you said that, I just went. - Like start doing it. Like I literally gave you permission to. Just like I, okay, you know those videos of, oh my God, I thought I fell. - I know what you're about to talk about. - You know those videos of like people getting like massive amounts of like disgusting rotting food poured all over them when they're asleep or like gallon buckets of water poured on them or like mustard bottles squirted on them. I gave everyone in my life permission to do that to me just when I'm least expecting it.
And like the other night I fell asleep when everyone was still awake. And like I heard Kai mention he was like, we should like mustard. We should do it to Drew. And I like I like actually like got so fucking angry inside. I was like, I swear to God, if they try to do that shit to me right now, I will freak the fuck out. I know every time you keep saying like y'all have permission to do that to me. We literally like you can't make a noise around you when he's asleep. He will fall asleep in the middle of all the fun and then be like, wake up and be like, okay.
Or like you do this thing where you like toss around really angrily instead of saying anything.
Like everyone will just be in the living room like chatting it up and then I'm like I just doze off. I fall asleep and then I get actually angry when people wake me up when I'm the one that's sleeping in the wrong spot. Like it's actually like so wrong. Like I'll storm out of the room. Yeah, literally. I'm not actually angry. It's just like I'm fucking tired and I'm like woken up. No, I feel that. When we went to that waterfall thing, I like I was falling asleep.
falling asleep and I was having one of those nights where like for some reason I think usually I'm pretty good at that like if I fall asleep around people I like usually don't make a fuss or say anything about it because I can literally sleep through anything but in on this like in Big Sur I was falling asleep and they we all fell asleep watching something on the TV and I was like turn it off turn it off like and
And Josh was being really nice because we had to share. And he was like, do you like, is it the light or is it the noise? I was like, it's the light. Both. Turn it off. And I was like, turn it off. Turn it off. Christian was on the other side of the room eating chips. Oh, God. And I was trying so hard. I know those chips stink like shit. No, actually, before the chips, him and Lucas were whispering to each other. And all I hear was like. Ew. And I was like, all I fucking hear right now is.
Like, and I said that and then they like just kind of laughed but then stopped. And then I couldn't hear Christian eating his chips and trying so hard to be quiet because it would be like, like, and then he would just be like, like of the bag. The worst type of angry is when you're like actually angry and then like the people you're angry at just laugh at you. That's literally me
I was gonna mention Miami like dude that shit was actually diabolical that was rude It's chill now but like literally I was so mad I snapped it was like my breaking point like I Snapped like I was asleep peacefully in the room and you know Ryan had like gone out and I was like I don't want to like go out to a club tonight I'm like good just like hanging out and like going to sleep early whatever and
And like Inyo and Orion stumble in like three hours later. I was like dead asleep. And they are just like literally the loudest I've ever heard them be in my entire life. They were like, it felt like they were like, let's be as loud as possible to piss off Drew in particular. What's fucked up is I don't know.
don't remember thinking for a second about the fact that you were sleeping like i was just on one and and i like i tried my hardest i really did i like covered my head with my pillow i did my thrash i thrashed a couple times like as a warning sign it's like literally me like warning y'all it's like like i'm about to snap if y'all don't shut the fuck up and then i just snap i don't even remember what i said you were like this is literally the meanest thing anyone's ever done to me like i mean it
And Peter Ryan just laughed, it was so mean! And I was like, "Wow." I've, like, actually was, like, really angry, like, it was, like, in my heart, angry, like, seeing Rad. Everyone on the planet Earth decided, like, "Enya's the one going to the moon." No, bitch, I'm killing myself, I don't wanna fucking go to the moon, there's no one there, there's nothing there. I would wholeheartedly-- I would accept that fully, like, if someone was like, "Go to the moon," I'd be like, "Yeah, I'm going to the fucking moon," with a guarantee I wouldn't explode in space.
Like I would fully go. No, I don't want that. I want like attention for being like hot and funny and like creative. You'd be the hot funny creative first hot funny creative. No, I'd be the fucking nerd on the moon. No, you'd be the first hot funny creative girl on the moon. If I could, okay, if I could go to the moon with my tits out, I would go to the moon. But you can't do that. No, you can. In this hypothetical, you can. Oh, okay. Then yeah, I'm going to the moon. Yeah. Reconvincing you to go to the moon. Like you can have your tits out if you want. You literally can't. Like.
I guess if they built a suit with like a shell around my tits. Well, they will free the nipple in our lifetime. Like the nipple will be free. I believe that. Can you shut your fucking mouth? Like just think before you speak.
But basically, I don't believe in moon travel. Drew has also, I guess, commercialized. I don't fuck with billionaires going to the moon. We need to kill these motherfuckers. There, I said it. Literally, you're Wendy Williams. I'm like, oh, death to all of them. Death to the billionaires. Literally, though. Wait, did she actually say that? No, she didn't say to the billionaires. You, like, really gave a show of it. I was like... No, I agree, though, like, kind of. I don't think, like...
Like, we should kill them, but we should, like, figure something out where they, like, suffer a little bit. No killing people, I don't know. But, like, girl, we need to lock you up in a cage. Like, we need to put you in a corner. It is so unethical to have that amount of money. That much money. It makes no sense. Like, what are you doing with it? And I understand the whole argument, like, well, Jeffrey Bezos doesn't actually have that money. It's all tied up in stocks. Well, like...
fuck off like i don't care he shouldn't have the like capability of like pulling that money out yeah does that even make sense but like literally it's kind of crazy because if he did he would destroy the world like if he was just like one day like i want to liquidate amazon and sell all my stocks like it would actually destroy the world for a little bit because like we are so amazonified after the pandemic like i know if i would have to like go get my cat food that would destroy me
yeah try to like leave the house the house beats the house down but yeah um billionaires going to space is stupid and i would have loved to watch one of the rockets blow up that would be fucking awesome but then what would happen who would take over his spot some i think jeffrey besos stepped down like a month ago or some shit like that like he stepped down from like
I don't know. I don't care at all, truly. But he stepped down as a position and I had a theory. I was like, the rocket's gonna blow up, but he's not actually gonna be in the rocket and he's gonna fake his death and like live his life out on some like- Not you talking about the fucking Shane-dossification of conspiracy theories and then sitting here talking about Jeff Bezos faking his death. He would though. Like if I was there, I would like- It sounds like you would. You don't know this man. Yeah, I do. Like we hang out.
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I was on full-blown demon mode. Like, I was evil that night. Yeah, we talked about this before, about how we... It was a purge. Like, the reason why I was, like, in purgatory mentally for the past three, four days was because I've been, like, hungover. And this is why I don't drink often and I can't drink often is because, like, my hangovers last forever. Like, they actually fuck with my brain chemistry and, like, make me, like, a zombie of a person.
I guess that's literally fucking everybody. Like, I'm not special. But it lasts for days and days and days. But, oh my god, I was on one. I literally didn't have a hangover because I'm a slay of vacation alone. You are a slay-holic. I literally...
After drinking, I will come home, shower, wash my face, go to bed, wake up, eat, slay. When I come home after a night of drinking, I find rotten watermelons. I break them on the floor of the kitchen and put my feet in them and play in it. And that's not a joke. We'll add a picture and some video. And then I...
I go to the most expensive house in LA and try to sneak in and almost get my ass beat by the security guards. And then I tell everybody pulling up to the party, like, don't go up there. They're having demon blood orgies. Like, it's really evil, sinister shit. Like, don't do it. And yeah, it's just like really, really dark shit. Like, I don't know what goes on in my brain when I'm drunk, but I'm like, I'm a different person. I think I just didn't get that drunk. Like,
We had free bottles of Azul. Like, I was, like, literally chugging that shit. I know. Dude, ew. I, like, I don't... I get, like, the idea of, like, people, like, pouring shots in someone's mouth and it being, like, a sexy thing. But literally, I am not sexy in that way. I'm like, don't fucking do that. I'm gonna get acid reflux. And I did. Yeah. I literally got acid reflux. I was like...
Like about to throw up and I'm like, thank you. Oh my God. Like literally like no offense, but I was a super spreader that night. Like I like was pouring that bottle into everyone's mouth. Luckily you were first and like Denzel was second, but like I was pouring it into like everyone's mouth. Like anybody who like, oh my God, I need to talk about this. But if you have like a bottle in the club, like you actually get like harassed. Like I was touched in ways I can't describe and,
And it was wrong. It was wrong in every sense of the word. What I wanted to say about the Olympics is like, it actually is fucking hilarious to me how like we've literally been doing this since like the dawn of like human consciousness. It's the most like human shit ever. It's so primal. Like we literally like since the Coliseum, we've just been like fucking like flipping around and running around like running and like chanting for our country like.
That shit's so funny like really think about it like we've been like we're just so human you know like the Olympics is the most human shit ever. It really is like so like primal like animal like animal instinct to be like run! Yeah. Jump! Like I'm better than you and I'm gonna prove that I'm better than you and I'm the best in the world. And like then I watch it and like my animal brain turns on and I eat that shit up every fucking time like no matter the event I'm like yes! Like go! Like win! Like
Like, no matter. And it's also, like, whoever wins. I'm like, you. You won. I knew you were going to win that shit. That's your worst. I mean, you're like, oh, no, I knew it. No, I knew it. I was thinking about that already. Like, I knew it. No, no.
That's a huge insecurity of mine and every time I say I'm like why did I say that but I literally do I literally do think it and then before I just don't say it and then you say it or someone else Literally, it's a pride thing I think it I think it stems down to like pride and I'm like I wish I said that or like a jealousy thing because everybody got a laugh from it and I'm like I wish I said that because I didn't know that and I know that you are Intelligent and amazing and you should just start speaking your mind
I do know a little about a lot. But you know what's the problem is because your dumb little ass lets things like balls in my mouth come out instead of other things. Instead of saying like the intellectual thoughts you have, you're like, balls in my mouth. Because it's way better. It's way better. Balls in my mouth. I almost said that. No one wants another smart person. Everybody wants a clown. That was deep. That was deep. Literally me when I show up to the party. When I show up to a party that I'm invited to, I'm like, they didn't want another hot girl. They wanted a silly girl.
Someone made a TikTok that really struck a nerve with me and they were like, I used to in life be like, I'm not the hottest girl, but I'm the funniest girl. And then I get on this app and I see the hottest, funniest people in the world. And I'm like, oh, so there's combo. Choose one. Choose one. There's literally combo meals out there running around. And here I am. You can't be both funny and hot. It's not fair. It's not. Yeah, I know. I mean, honestly, look at us. Like we're both funny and hot. Don't fucking touch me. We're both funny and hot.
consider myself like pretty and like when I when I put all my driving force into it I could be hot yeah I agree and for me you agree yeah I think you're a hot person okay and I want to bed you and for me I
Everyone calling me hot has done absolutely nothing for me. I thought it would be good for me. I thought I'd be like, "Oh, finally, like, I am attractive." But no, like, I still think I'm the ugliest person in the world. - Well, now it just sets an expectation. The best thing to ever happen to me was Josh's vlogs and seeing how fucking ugly I can look on camera. And I was like, "Oh, okay, yeah, I don't have to be hot all the time. Like, I am a person." - Yeah. - And I was like, that was a very humbling and, like, grounding experience. Because before that, all the content of me was, like, stuff I had filmed.
perfect angles yeah like lighting and then like there's specifically one clip of me in one of josh's vlogs i was like i am just a person huh i'm just a simple human i was like that's okay sometimes i'm not carly jenner i'm i oh i am for sure no carly jenner um i'm silly who's carly jenner i'm a silly billy who the is carly jenner your mom
There's no one named Carly Jenner and my mom's name is not Carly Jenner. I'm really confused by this and it's starting to irk me. You're so fucking stupid. Who the fuck is Carly Jenner? Shut up. No, your credit score. I had to update. My credit score is awesome. It's back to normal. Yes, I find. And I just want to say that it's further proof that that shit is not fucking real. And guess what? To get it back to normal, I didn't pay my goddamn gynecologist bill and I'm not going to pay it.
That's a lie. I really need a pap smear. Someone did leave... I'll do it. Someone did leave a comment. When we were leaving and I was like, I think the house is going to blow up. I was not kidding.
I was like, I was so sure. And I came and I jiggled all the knobs to make sure they were off. And I was like, I didn't take a picture of it. So like, it's probably off. Do you think it was because we like deep cleaned and I was like touching all the knobs? No, it's just sometimes like it, like I get an itch in the back of my brain and I'm convinced that like I left it on and the house is going to burn and like Azul's going to die. You should maybe like get that looked at. That doesn't sound healthy. No, my chlorophyll fixes it. You shouldn't be living like that. I'm like, I take chlorophyll. Like it's chill. You shouldn't be living like that. No, the door locking thing.
is a problem. Like it literally, everyone always makes fun of me that I can't leave the house on time, but it's because I have to like on top of just- You wash your hands 63 times. You lock the door three times. You come back and you're like, oh, I need to wash my hands because I just locked the door. And then you're like, oh, I need to go pee because if I have to go pee when I'm out, like I have to go in the public bathroom and there's germs. But it's just like a problem. But the public bathroom is good if you've eaten because you have to wash your hands after you eat. Not me. Yeah.
Not me, not anybody else. Not before or after. Never. Men don't wash their hands. No, bitch. People don't fucking talk about that. Men do not wash their hands and it is so nasty. Nope. They're like, I didn't have to wipe. I'm like, bitch, you literally had to grab your balls. Literally, my penis, I'm sorry, this is going to be really graphic, but my penis goes in mouths. Like, I don't have to wash my hands after I touch my wiener. Like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You said mouth because it's like are you treating a mouth like a fucking dishwasher for your dick like is that what you're alluding to right now? Just saying it's not dirty
It's not dirty before it goes in something. Mom, don't watch this episode. Mom. You whispering. Mom. That is fucking gross. Men don't wash their balls. They don't wash their hands. I wash my balls and I wash my hands. Occasionally. I wash my hands. Both get an occasionally. I wash my hands. No, they don't. Because the hand soap lasts way too long in our house. I fake wash my hands. I'm going to be honest. I turn on the sink and I make it sound like I'm washing my hands in the middle of the night.
As if your mom's outside, like, listening. No, literally everybody's done that. I swear to God. I have never done that in my life. I washed my fucking hands. No, I...
No, actually. You've never fake washed your hands? No. You know what happens is if I try to do a quick wash, I'll get really insecure and I'll be like, my hands are so fucking dirty. And I'll do like a quick wash and then I'll be like, dry my hands off and try to leave the bathroom. And then the back of my brain is like, if you don't fucking wash your hands right now, you're probably going to die. And I'm like, oh my God. And then I'll turn it, I'll like deep wash.
I know there is someone out there watching this that has fake washed their hands along with me. You just turn on the water, you run it, and then you turn it off, and then you leave the room. You don't even get, like... No, you don't even get your hands wet. Because it's annoying, because then you have to fucking dry your hands off. There's a towel for your hands. Yeah, but the towel's dirty because it's been washed a hundred times with other hands. No, because the hands that are... What?
Have you ever heard of mold? Most people should. Have you ever heard of mold? There's mold. I'm convinced our house is full of mold constantly. I swear to God, I watched one fucking video about like indoor allergies and mold and people are like. I know. You're so funny.
Drew got seasonal allergies and he was like, "There's mold in the walls." I was like, "Girl." - Because I've never had allergies in my entire life and then all of the sudden, I come in, I don't have allergies when I'm outside, but then I come inside and immediately I have a sniffy nose and my nose itches. - Your fucking room is dusty. When's the last time you washed your sheets? - I don't wash my hands. You think I wash my sheets? No, I don't wash my wiener. You think I wash my seats? Guys, this is all jokes. This is all jokes. I need to make that clear.
Did you know that Spongebob actually was like filmed in the bikini box? Did you know that?
so i thought it was practical it was real all of that was real i just don't know what camera they filmed on because that looked like a cartoon like i don't know how the they did no it was it was the famous kids camera off of amazon oh really yeah that's actually crazy because i literally remember watching that as a kid and was just like remember like i was just like how the did they make this look like especially underwater and who's who's the character like who's playing me if i had a heart attack
I like to think that like I would trend and that would be like a good thing. On Twitter? For me, yeah. No, but I don't have Twitter so I don't know if I'd trend on Twitter. So maybe I'd get like a lot of reposts on like IG stories.
Yeah, no, I would definitely be... I'd definitely milk your death like crazy. And you have all my permission to. We've talked about this before. I honestly don't know how I would react. No, I feel like we're not the kind of people to like grief publicly like that and intensely, which is kind of annoying because like my lifelong goal is to get like as much attention as possible. And the idea that like when I pass, my friends won't be like belligerently on the internet talking about me all the time 24-7.
It's kind of annoying, but, like, kind of beautiful because, like, I know I'm, like... You're still loved. You're still loved. I want public love. Like, people are like, no, that's toxic. You shouldn't be, like, possessive and want people to be jealous and, like, angry at you. No, I want all of my friends to know that, like, if they lost me, it would be, like, the greatest... Whether, like, I just stopped being their friends or I...
Sorry, I left the front door open. If a stranger comes in, whether if it's Josiah or a stranger, I don't know how long that cut is or how weird it was. But if it jumped, it's because...
We were getting a knock at the door and I thought it was Josiah and it actually pissed me off so much because we told him to be quiet and I was ready to go down there and like be a mean older sister and be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I told you to shut the hell up when you came here. But it was the mailman and then this is kind of weird. I got a poster delivered so it was like...
like a circular object and he did like we did have sex and we did use it like a dildo so that was weird but like no y'all didn't yeah we did no one knows I was gone for a long time you were gone for like 7 seconds I'm a quick girl one of my favorite videos to laugh at because it will never not be funny is James Charles laughing
Dude, not enough people talk about that collection of videos, but that is actually the best thing, the best content he ever made. Dude, that and the one with him singing with the Lopez brothers dancing in the background, actually dystopian. No, that is also, that is a person who did all that and then was like in the middle of the Grand Canyon singing.
I mean James Charles like is so effortlessly funny and it's unfair because everything he does makes me laugh. No and it's no what makes it so funny is like it's like very serious like he thought him singing in the middle of that canyon was like ethereal like it was like it was like this is he watched that video back he was like oh are you kidding me like that was everything.
Dude, if you can right now, literally open up a separate tab and look up James Charles Coachella Beyonce. That person, I'm not kidding, that is like the least rhythmically inclined human on this planet. And I stand by that. Yeah, period, point blank, period, everything. It's just so...
Like it's so perfectly imperfect. Like there's so many good, bad things about it. It's like, like I think I've said this before, but like I actually enjoy watching bad movies more than good movies because like you literally don't have to focus on it. You just fucking laugh and make fun of it. Yeah. Like that's purely what those James Charles dancing videos are for me is it's just like so bad I can't look. It's like Coco Melon. Exactly. It turns off my brain. Yeah.
I was sitting in class and the principal came up and- or the vice principal. I think it was a vice principal. I fucking hated him. And I hope he has like a hemorrhoid or something really annoying right now because I fucking hate him. But he- I'm gonna eat that hemorrhoid like a jelly bean. I just wanna bite it off. I love biting hemorrhoids. You know what I'm talking about? When you get the hemis? They're little jelly beans around the edge and you just like pull them off like bite them with your front teeth. Bloody. Bloody hemorrhoids. No, keep going.
The hemorrhoid. Like you were gonna keep going, I'm just not gonna say anything. But basically, I got pulled out of French class and they were like, "Come down to the office." And I was like, "What the fuck did I do?"
I go down to the office and they have my fucking Vine playing on the computer. And I was like, I was like, oh my God. And I think someone at the school snitched on me. Cause I was like, I was like, you motherfuckers don't know about Vine because people at my school didn't like care about Vine. And then I heard through the grapevine that someone had snitched on me. So one of the like motherfuckers who like were one of those nerd ass motherfuckers who worked in the office. I was like,
bitch, fuck you. You're a hater. But yeah, I got suspended for a week and that's actually how my dad found out about my Vine account. Yikes. And that was a nightmare because I was like on there screaming about Niall Horan being shirtless and being a liar. Like a hornberry. Dude, literally, that reminded me of probably the most trouble I had gotten in in my entire life was...
from my Twitter account. So I had like, yeah, I had a reef tank, like a coral reef. Like I had a bunch of beautiful coral, a bunch of like really expensive fish. Like I, it was like my pride and joy. And they obviously with that, like you have to like test the water chemistry. So like I had this like set of like chemicals that like you like get samples of water and you put it in there and it legitimately looks like
Breaking bad vibes. Breaking bad vibes. Like, it looks gnarly. It looks like I'm making meth with this fucking kit. So, like, obviously my, like, young ass fucking 15-year-old brain is like, oh, like, I'm gonna make a banger tweet. So I take a picture of it and I post it on my Twitter account and I'm like, cooking meth, bringing some to school tomorrow. Who wants it? And, like, just, like, the most psycho shit. And sure enough...
I know who fucking snitched on me. I'm not gonna say their name and I'm sure they're fucking listening to this because they were like my biggest hater fan and they're a grown ass fucking man. Bitch, I fucking hate you and I hope your house burns down with your family inside. What? No, he ruined my life. I was meeting to that lady the other day for no reason in the car and I was like,
We were like at dinner and you started it bitch. Yeah, I was just like
I don't know how I started it. Dude, you just started it by being really loud about nothing. You were just like... Oh, yeah. I would just, like, just randomly just laugh as loud as fucking possible. Like, I'd be like... Like, really, really fucking loud. The thing is, it's, like, not funny to anyone but us. It's, like, cringey, probably. But I just do that really fucking loud. And it, like, makes me crack up. It's, like, bassy, too. It's, like, it's not something you hear. It's something you feel. Like, it's, like, a feeling. One of the reasons you started this is because...
The couple, the older couple next to us. Like, actually, if anybody has, like, I could probably look this up and it's like, I don't need to be asking this. But we went to BCD Tofu House and someone put beer into their rice. And I was like, I'm so intrigued by that. Like, I don't know, like, why they did that. And I didn't ask and I didn't Google it because I'm a piece of shit and I just, like, want to know. And if I don't know, then I guess I'll never know. You'll never know. But...
Me and Drew were just making the joke that we were like, what if we were like so out of touch and just like, - I thought it was just like, no, what is that for? That looks gross, why are you doing that? Like just like really out of touch and tone deaf. - Or like just like super like tone deaf and like, oh, you're not supposed to be doing that, like actually. - That's bad.
And we were just, like, cracking. Sorry, my car is literally overriding to turn off. And we were just cracking up from that. And then, oh, from us laughing from that, this, like, couple was on, like, what was very obviously a first date. Maybe a second date. Yeah, maybe a second date. And the white girl of the duo was, like, giving us death stares from us laughing. She was, like, looking us up and down. So, like, we were just, like, okay, we'll fucking look back. So, we, like, we're making that face. So, we're just, like.
Like, I was looking at everybody in the restaurant doing that, though. Like, I was trying to make eye contact with everybody. Dude, it was so funny when you scared. And you were like, I literally just looked everyone in here in the eye. No, it was crazy. Like, I had never felt the way I felt that night. And I was, like, making full eye contact with people and, like, looking them up and down. And they were probably like, dude, who is this? Why is he judging me like this? Dude, and for some reason...
we were hella focused on the TV. Yeah. Like, if we weren't doing that, we were dead silent watching TV. And all the TV was was commercials for the restaurant we were in. Celebrities love BCD tofu. Hey, guys. We wanted to take another break to thank one of our sponsors today, Zuck Duck. Y'all, I recently chipped my tooth on a pickle. We know this. And guess where I went today?
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But basically and then Drew's doing that and I like to him I was like what if I did this but I just ended up doing it anyway I was like no But what if I did this and like she was sitting here next to me and I like turned and I was like I'd like turn back Looked her up and down But she was gonna be like they're fucking bullies. No, but she they were I will say she was really pretty like she was Yeah, she was really pretty but like I
She just gave an energy. Like, she just gave an off energy. And, like, she's really angry. Like, us trying to excuse it. There's no excuse for this behavior. Like, something's wrong with this fucking stranger. Like, they don't find us being, like, obnoxiously annoying. And also, we were, like, talking so loud. We were being, like...
There's no excuse for our behavior. And if you were there, like, I am wholeheartedly sorry that you experienced the wrath of Drew and Inyo, like, on one. But, like, we mean no harm by it. Like, we love you. Like... Yeah, I'm sorry if you're ever caught in the crossfire. Just know, like, it's fun for me. And you can talk shit about us. Like, we give you full permission to just talk shit. Yeah, everyone can talk shit about us, call us annoying. We know we are. And at the end of the day, like, I love myself.
Guys, if we should kiss in one episode, let us know. That's why I'm okay with being a bitter fucking hater because I know a lot of times I'm projecting and I'm a piece of shit and I'm okay with that. Oh, look. That's sweet. They're picking it up. Oh, no. They just kicked it. Assholes. Oh, they're going to go smoke on the roof. I'm literally like, where are they going? They look like they fucking stink. Okay, not us being like... Not us being like... They saw it. That was real. That was real. That was us in live time being bitter bullies.
I swear I wasn't doing that on purpose. Like, they literally do look like they stink. They're like two white dudes with flip-flops on. If you're wearing thong sandals out as a man, you need to go to fucking therapy. You need to figure your shit out. I know your shit stinks. I know you don't cut your toenails, and I know your shit stinks. Period. Like, I know you fucking smell like balls. Just wear slides. Please just wear slides. Please. Also, men... Anya has a lot of opinions on men loving themselves and taking care of themselves. I can't be the only person...
straight men like feeling themselves and taking pictures of themselves I'm like why are you doing that like that like I not I like want a man who is like confident and like likes himself but I'm like if I'm driving us around and I look over and you're taking a fucking selfie because the sun is on you or something I'm crashing the car
I'm crashing it into the median. I'm crashing it and I'm blaming you. I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and crashing. Yeah, I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and getting us in a T-bone accident because you shouldn't be doing that. Like, you don't have the fucking New York Times app to be looking at. Why are you looking at yourself? Play chess. Play chess. Actually, don't be on your phone. I also can't stand a man who's on his phone so much. Like, what do you have going on?
Who are you texting? I wish I was kidding. Like, I was in the car with, like, I've just been in situations with, like, men. And I'm like, I literally will out loud be like, why are you on the phone so much? Who are you texting? I'm like, you are so, not even that. I'm like, you are so embarrassing. Like, you don't want to look outside and, like, be, like. What is there to look at in L.A.?
We weren't driving around L.A. Concrete jungle. Concrete jungle. That's New York, you fucking idiot, bitch. See, if you look out the fucking window, you would know. Also, maybe, like, again, I'm projecting because I get car sick and I can't look at the phone. You're jealous. So I'm like, bitch, can you fucking talk to me? You're jealous of what I can do. No, you just, like, why the fuck are you looking? Like, what is on there? Stop. Are you fucking kidding me?
You're literally listening. I'm not kidding. Men should have burners. Like, you don't need an iPhone. What do you need an iPhone for? If you want to post on IG, wait till you get home. Go have an iPod Touch.
We'll have an iPad. Bring your burner and your iPod touch with no service. If you have a phone with service as a straight man. No, like what are you up to? Like no good. Like you're up to no good on that thing. You're either, yeah. You're sexting someone and I don't like that. I was going to say you're sexting someone. No, I just don't like it. It's so gross. But yeah, I could go on for days. Anya goes on for days and days and days and days. I just have a lot of opinions about like
Straight men. I'm like, ew, you should like... You shouldn't love yourself. That's what she gets at. No, like you should be confident, but don't take off... Like, ew, when a man... Stop. Someone the other... No, ew.
I can't be the only person, straight men, like, feeling themselves and taking pictures of themselves. I'm like, why are you doing that? Like, I want a man who is, like, confident and, like, likes himself. But I'm like, if I'm driving us around and I look over and you're taking a fucking selfie because the sun is on you or something, I'm crashing in the car.
I'm crashing it into the median. I'm crashing it and I'm blaming you. I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and crashing. Yeah, I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and getting us in a T-bone accident because you shouldn't be doing that. Like, you don't have the fucking New York Times app to be looking at. Why are you looking at yourself? Play chess. Play chess. Actually, don't be on your phone. I also can't stand a man who's on his phone so much. Like, what do you have going?
Who are you texting? I wish I was kidding. Like, I was in the car with, like, I've just been in situations with, like, men. And I'm like, I literally will out loud be like, why are you on the phone so much? Who are you texting? I'm like, you are so, not even that. I'm like, you are so embarrassing. Like, you don't want to look outside and, like, be, like. What is there to look at in L.A.?
We weren't driving around L.A. Concrete jungle. Concrete jungle. That's New York, you fucking idiot, bitch. See, if you look out the fucking window, you would know. Also, maybe, like, again, I'm projecting because I get car sick and I can't look at the phone. You're jealous. So I'm like, bitch, can you fucking talk to me? You're jealous of what I can do. No, you just, like, as, like, why the fuck are you looking? Like, what is on there? Stop. I can't fucking.
You're literally losing. No, I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Men should have burners. Like, you don't need an iPhone. What do you need an iPhone for? If you want to post on IG, wait till you get home. Go have an iPod Touch.
We'll have an iPad. Bring your burner and your iPod touch with no service. If you have a phone with service as a straight man. No, like what are you up to? Like no good. Like you're up to no good on that thing. You're either, yeah. You're sexting someone and I don't like that. I was going to say, yeah, you're sexting someone. No, I just don't like it. It's so gross. But yeah, I could go on for days. Anya goes on for days and days and days and days. I just have a lot of opinions about like,
Straight men. I'm like, ew, you should like... You shouldn't love yourself. That's what she gets at. No, like you should be confident, but don't take off... Like, ew, when a man... Stop. Someone the other... No, ew.
I will say it is really cringy. Oh my god, here I go. Like, I'm so hypocritical. It is just like something else. No, there's something a little funky about a man who's like posting a lot of pictures of himself. I'm like, a man's IG, a straight man's IG shouldn't just be pictures of himself. I'm like, something's going on here. Well, as a straight man, my IG's all pictures of myself. What did you just call me? As a straight man. Oh, okay. So now we're just saying things. Okay, as a politician. Like...
Um, yeah, I just like, you didn't see something on your walk you want to post? Like, do you go walking? You didn't see the magnolia tree? You could take a picture of the magnolia tree and say, it smells like pussy. It smells like pussy out here. And it's the magnolia tree. Y'all know what I'm talking about. The pussy willow. The stinky tree. No, they smell like a sneeze to me. They smell like cum. They smell like cum and sneezes. Tomatoes taste like cum. Stop. No one wants to have that conversation. You can't keep saying that because...
Every day, my, like, my go-to, like, meal right now, anywhere I go, like, no matter where I am, I get, or I make it myself, is soft scrambled eggs, avocado, and slices of tomatoes. Like, it's, like, all I will eat right now. And Drew said that the other day, and I literally was eating my breakfast, and I wanted to throw up because I, like, I chewed on the tomato for too long, and I was, like, really getting into it. I'm like...
It's like when you're eating red meat, you can start tasting the farm. We always talk about cock and balls and pussy on here. We always make it a point. You can start tasting the farm when you're eating red meat. And also, yeah, just like they... It's just a big part of our life, cock, balls, and pussy. No, we are just like... I can't say... The P word makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, okay, man, with a straight Instagram. I'm straight as hell.
Me too. This is my girlfriend. I can't. This is my girlfriend. Yeah, this is my. Yeah, no, this is my boyfriend. That's like chill. Yeah. I am straight. And don't get it fucking twisted. Yeah. Absolutely. It got in my fucking eye. But yeah, we always bring it to cock and ball somehow. But I think that's it for the episode. Maybe we don't have to talk about cock and balls anymore. We can just shut up. I literally have Red Bull in my fucking eye. I'm curious to see if maybe one day.
um if I'm ready enough and all that trauma from those terrible trips is gone if I can just like
eat a meal and then smoke and see if it's all good. Yeah, that's actually another thing. I always eat before. Like, I'll be with someone who, like, enjoys smoking weed and they'll be like, oh my god, I'm gonna smoke and then we should order food. And I'm like, no. I'm getting food in me. And then I can, like, maybe join. Maybe I'll have a midnight snack with munchies. Munchies. If you can't tell, I feel fucking batshit crazy today. I don't feel normal.
My most recent bad weed experience was when I was back in Texas. Oh, yeah. And I was, like, laying on the couch watching TV, and I just had the gnarliest thoughts about, like...
Like, we were watching Netflix, and I was watching these shows on Netflix, and I was like... I was like, no, this is, like, garbage TV. Like, we're watching garbage TV. And then we watched... I was like, we have to turn this off. We have to turn this episode off. Or we have to turn this show off because it's literally, like... It was made by aliens to, like, keep us, like, down. Like, there's some, like, crazy, like, freaked out, like...
like thought process so we switched it and we put on this like magic show and it was like this dude doing which is like the worst thing to switch it to but it was like it was so confusing because it was like this dude doing magic but I couldn't tell if it was like a joke or if it was real or what and I just kept saying that out loud and I kept like audibly being like no no like no like turn this off and I just kept going into these thoughts about like how like
Like, this is gonna... I literally sound psycho, but I was like, dude, like, TV is made to, like, keep the population at bay. Like, just, like, the most fucking smoke... That's literally what everybody thought in, like, the 80s. Yeah, exactly. Like, the most smoke thoughts you can ever have. And I was like, this is why I don't do... Like, this is why I don't smoke or take edibles. Because I literally, like, cannot remember, like, the last good experience I had. And even, like... Like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. But, like...
Literally, I could just go on about... You sound like HRH. I don't know. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Whatever. But I'm, like, not anti-weed because I know it does help a lot of people. But, like, for me personally, I'm like, it was made by the devil. Like, literally. And it's trying to kill me constantly. You're like, it's trying to kill me when the only person who can put it in you is you. Exactly. No, the weed, it controls people. Okay.
Fuck, I was just thinking, oh, that reminded me of, um, when I went to Texas for, like, that fun party we went to. What was that party I went to Texas for? Uh, my brother's funeral. That was the event of the year. You can eat anything when you're famished and you might as well be eating at a Michelin star restaurant. Literally. Like, you could feed me the 7-Eleven, like, rotisserie, like, taquitos when I'm hungry and I'll be like...
This is the best food ever. But I will say those are the best food probably ever made. I never had the taquitos, but I used to fuck up the chicken wings. But I was like a chicken wing monster when I ate chicken. We just had this conversation like two days ago. But like I can't do bone-in meat at all. Like boner meat. Hey! I can't do bone-in meat because when you're eating that.
When you're eating the... When you're sucking the bone. Yeah, exactly. It's a little gay. Like, I can't do that. I can't suck bones. No. Because, like, when you're eating bone-in meat, one...
It's on the bone, which I shouldn't fucking see bones ever in my life. That's so sinister. And two, the tendons... Uh-uh. The tendons and the fat, when you bite into that shit, it is like eating fucking rubber bands. It's the best taste ever. That's why I love squid and octopus and ox tail and pig's feet because it's all fatty tendons and it's like...
- It's the most like primal-- - It literally is like a cultural thing, I think, actually though. - But no, I literally like, that is what makes me like in the most, like, let me clarify, this is the most-- - Joe Rogan shit you'll ever say. - I'm not vegetarian because I'm like, yas, like save the planet. Like, of course, I'm like, yas, I do my part, but--
Any, like, health thing I'm in, it's for vanity and, like, that's it. Purely. Like, never get it twisted. Like, I don't have a hydro flask because I'm like, don't waste plastic. I have a hydro flask because if I don't have a hydro flask, I won't drink water and then I won't be pretty. Like...
I like of course like god bless that I'm like helping the world while I try to be pretty in like little ways Yeah, but it it is never like I'm not skipping out on straws Like I will take a straw because I don't want my teeth to be yellow also Straws aren't the things that are killing the turtles the things that are killing the turtles are fucking nuts and A lot of people would be like oh my god Did you switch from cancel over fishing because you saw that no, I'm sorry like that is not my duty like I
That's not my job. It's the corporation's job. It's the scientist's job to figure out how to get us lab-grown meat. Would you eat lab-grown meat? Yeah, because that's what plant-based meat is. That's basically lab-grown. Would you? No. Would I take lab-grown meat in my hole? No, I didn't. I'm joking.
Wait, I was basically what I was gonna say I can't say cuz it's so gnarly. It's really it's really naughty. Should I just say it? Yeah, would you fuck lab grown pussy? I mean, that's a test tube baby. Okay, no pause because lab grown pussy would hit like crazy. Alien like alien versus predator pussy. I guess actually lab grown dick would literally they can make it do the twirls that the little And it could suck
We could add a little attachment. You could shape it like the rabbit toys and give it like an extra mouth to be like, I won't. You can tell a lot about a person. If they put the cart back? Yeah. That like, that's like really says all you need to know. There's another one of those where it's like, okay, like if you put your cart back,
you're like a fairly like moral person you care about the well-being of others but if you like leave it in the middle of the thing you literally don't give a shit and you all you're a narcissist you care about yourself and no one else and you're in a rush but yeah but i mean like i've been in rush situations and i always put oh no you're like the most moral grounded person ever keep going though i'm t like thank you thank you
I feel like I am, so thank you. No, there's another one where it's like... You were going to say something stupid. You were literally going to say something so fucking stupid. No, go. What were you going to say? Like, as a man, it's my duty to make the girl come four times. That's why.
That wasn't even in line with like... That's just the type of person I am, you know? Oh, you're so nice. You make girls squirt and stuff. You make sure your girl squirts. Yeah, we should just talk about how we missed the first two weeks of lockdown. We should move on. But like, Azul is eating my goddamn plant. Oh my gosh. Motherfucker. Oh!
She was. Did she chomp on it big time? No, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Actually, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Like, this is actually, like, the saddest day of my goddamn life. Oh, no. Are we gonna leave this? Is it bad? Yes, we're leaving this thing. It's not the worst. We'll just put it, we'll watch it. It's not, it's not the worst, it's not the worst. We'll just keep it here for the rest of the episode. We'll watch her. I'm gonna fucking vomit.
Dude oh my god, he ate no in yet. This is all him. I mean, that's all him He was eating the fuck out of that like a fucking snail. He's getting spankings. I'm not kidding. I'm gonna spank the shit out of him How much was this way too much
I'm so sorry. Okay, I'm gonna get a spray to like spray around that area of the couch so that- It's all good. It shouldn't have been there anyways. Like I knew he was gonna do it. But that motherfucker!