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- Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Today I am bringing to the table a very important question. Would you rather do bath salts or a whole can of Galaxy Gas?
Ooh, immediately, immediately galaxy gas. And only because dentists give you essentially galaxy gas. They actually flavor the air sometimes with cherry, by the way. Wait, really? I don't know if it's because the numbing medication that they put in your mouth before they stick the needle in is cherry flavor and it makes the air taste cherry. Is there a squirrel in the tree behind me?
I love nature. I really love nature. Hashtag random. Hashtag random. Hashtag ADHD. Squirrel. Squirrel. Shiny. Ew. Shiny. No, I'm doing Galaxy Gas, obviously, because... I don't even remember the other ones. Bath salts. But what if you could pick the bath salts? What if the bath salts were super, super just like some random Malibu bitch and it was like...
salts from the sea, like air dried and baked. And it was like natural ass bath salts. You wouldn't like opt for that instead of galaxy gas. I think there's no such thing as natural bath salts. I think the bath salts was just, it's called bath salts. So they could sell it in like convenience stores, but it was actually like some random ass research chemical from China that just like melted your brain and made you eat people.
There's like different types. So like the types that you put in your bath, those don't get you high. But like, I always thought the whole gag was that he ate bath salts from like bed, bath and beyond or some shit. Or was that just like a rumor? That was just a rumor. So I'm doing galaxy gas. I'm getting I'm getting loaded.
off Galaxy Ass and I just went to the dentist and guess what? I had my second procedure. They didn't give me fucking laughing gas. So I was sitting there writhing in pain and it hurt even more than the other side. And now this tooth is literally turning gray. My temporary fucking molar is turning gray and I looked it up and it's because they burst some blood vessels. And so now there's blood vessels rotting the pulp of my tooth. So I'm probably going to have to get a fucking root canal because of their neglect in my goddamn mouth.
And it hurts so bad. And I called them yesterday and I was like, hey, it's like really excruciating. Like I can't do anything. And they were like, okay, come in tomorrow. And I was like, well, I can't come in tomorrow. And they were like, okay, the dentist will call you. Wait, why couldn't you come in? Because of this? Because we were recording. Yeah. Wow.
so no i'm dedicated yeah you are you're dedicated to your craft i really love that like you have a burning passion to speak and i love that about you well i guess now i have to go to galaxy gas also play the clip of me telling drew not to go to that dentist just to be clear because i really don't have anything to say on the subject matter because like i told you i told you i kind of look weird no
I mean, from my end, you're completely blurry. I'm such a fucking narcissist because look at my screen. It's just you looking at yourself. Yeah.
You know what's crazy is I had mine like that at the beginning and then I changed it because I was like, I feel like there's somebody out there who's like, you can tell like the, with the way so-and-so is looking that they're not looking at someone else. And like in my head, I would look prettier looking at you because I love you so much. So I'm having like a real love for you instead of looking at my face and really being scared and like thinking about my every move. I live for you. I love for you, Olivia. Um, okay.
So, like, we know this, like, dumb as rocks, whatever. But why is there so much fossil fuel? Like, I feel like we should have run out by now, no? Because aren't they just like rotted dinosaur corpses and like little shells and shit? Like, I'm not buying it. Like, there should not be fossil fuels on this fucking planet anymore. Like, I think it's all a lie. Like, I truly don't know. You got anything to say to that?
Oh, yeah. Just before I chime in, though, what do you guys think of my apartment? That's not your apartment. That's not where you live. This is from a date I had. It was a very intimate date that I had. Why do you have no art up on your walls? It's really like dungeon-y in there, and it's kind of scary. It's called minimalism, and it's very sexy. The exposed brick is the art, babe. It's very chic. Exactly. It's the art of what used to be
Somebody who was passionate enough to build a building brick by brick and now they make them out of card I have art and I'm gonna be putting my board ape yacht club all of them No TV screen TV, yeah, it's gonna be a big OLED screen that's always on there's gonna be a neon sign that says c'est la vie Above it and then there's gonna be a Bible quote at the bottom. Oh
I genuinely think, I forgot who I was saying this to, but I think I need to start hanging up words of affirmation around the house because the bitches who do that are genuinely happier. And I could do it in like my own way, but there is something to be said about words of affirmation. I'm never going to be the bitch who's like writing on
sticky notes and putting it on my mirror. Although I think that works for a lot of people. I would, I don't think I could ever write something sincere to myself and expect myself to see it another time and feel anything from it. Like I would never, I'm just like, that's how little I take myself like in terms of seriousness, but we need to start making like lit words of affirmation art. But I just feel like that's kind of like a hard thing.
sincerity is scary like to make one that's like actually good i don't know how i wouldn't say epidemic yeah i found a sticky note in drew's room that just said i am not ran through 400 times i don't know if that are you going through my shit also that doesn't even make sense because drew that would only like x nay like maybe like a tenth of your body count so saying i'm not ran through that would only cover 400 of like the who knows how many people and who's in the kitchen
Because let me cook. Let her cook. That was good. That was good. Wait, what was the question? It was about fossil fuels? Yeah, fossil fuels. Like, I feel like we should have ran out if it's really fossil.
I also feel that way, but I have thought about this, but then it's like dinosaurs existed for... Billions of years. A hundred million years or something, right? Yeah. I actually have no idea. It's also not just dinosaur bones though, right? I feel like they're talking about the conks and the shells too. I don't fucking know, but I think it's all a farce. I think none of it's real. I'm really, I'm not buying it. You don't believe in fossil fuels.
Famously, I literally don't believe in them. I'm like, yeah, right. Well, I know we have been worried about AI and its progression for a really long time. And there have been multiple signs to stop and humans have continued to move forward with it. But I think the sign that is the scariest to me is that AI has gathered enough information that it knows how to make bad art. Like I've seen bad AI art. And there's always been bad AI art in terms of like...
Jesus like on a tractor like mowing through the sea like what like there's always been shit like that but like I mean bad AIR like somebody somehow gave a like description so whack that the art is like somebody trying to be good at something does that make sense like yeah should I turn off these lights yeah right because it's a bit unflattering on me and you guys care about the way I look you honestly look good you don't it's not giving overhead lighting you look good
I wanted to bring up one thing. I sent it to the group chat and I want you guys to take a look at it. Oh, the black mold, the JK Rowling black mold.
So she's taken photos in the same room for the last four years and there's like black mold progressing up her walls. That's why she's bat shit crazy. The black mold is getting to her goddamn brain. Bruh, how do you not see that and at least like question it a little bit? I would be like, like I know, I
know the shadows from the mold have created enough of like a silhouette now that she's been walking through her house and thought she saw something in the corner aspiration no it's also giving like like that is black mold like that's like you should see any type of mold growing in your house and immediately question it like why is that just growing over five years where does she live
She lives at Hogwarts. She has to live in the most human environment ever, or she's just back. Like, how is that much mold growing? Like, also, I don't know that I've ever seen. Maybe it's because the average person doesn't let it get there. But damn, I've never seen that much mold grow in someone's living space. It's proof that her brain is fucking rotted, that she won't just clean up the goddamn mold. What's the first sign of black mold? Me. Me.
I almost, like, followed my own answer up with that. But, like, no, you've been like that no matter where we lived. It's not really a mold thing for you. Yeah. I haven't slept on that couch. I mean, the new couch is horrible. I fucking hate it. Have we talked about it on here? No. Oh, my God. You cough up blood. Remember when Drew was convinced we had black mold? Yeah, in the couch.
But were there any actual legitimate symptoms of the black mold or was it just Drew? No, it was just Drew's pre-diabetes showing like three years ago. Like what? It was literally just like him eating and knocking out on the couch. And he was like, there's mold in this couch. Every time I lay on it, I knock out. But he eats on the couch. So he would eat and then turn over and like pass out. Drew, did you ever cough up blood? Oh, all the time. Oh my God. I was coughing up blood. If Drew coughed up blood, the world would know.
No world would know. Drew is not like... No, it's literally like... I forget what it was. Oh, like when I eat a salad, the world knows. I tell everybody immediately. Like everyone knows I eat a salad. When I go to the gym, the world knows. When I eat my protein goal, the world knows. Like...
there are things in my life that I do that I'm so proud of myself that I just need to let the people know. So I've been thinking a lot about like, I've been thinking about a lot of like the greatest gifts that quote unquote God has given humanity and like my iPhone, obviously like that's at the very top of the list. You can't argue that that is like the greatest thing of all time period. But
close second is eating in your bedroom. I don't know. I think eating on the floor of your bedroom or of my bedroom brings me a peace and a tranquility that like
I can't even like begin to verbalize the feeling I get like when I'm like when I bring my food in and I set it on the floor on my carpet and I see it when I'm in bed when I'm letting it get cold and I see it over there and I'm like, oh my god, once the clock hits 1130 like I'm fucking feasting. Oh my god, it's so good. I will say I can't agree with you eating on your floor is like
Top 10. Not for me, but it's pretty top 10. It's like I'm connecting with my Neanderthalian roots. Like it's like I would eat on the floor. Yeah, because they would probably eat in the dirt under a tree or something.
I'm sure even Neanderthals were like, whoa, I don't want to get dirt on my raw animal or like my raw... My nuts and berries. My raw, yeah, my raw diet. Yeah, my vegan raw diet. Or my keto diet. Do you think, oh, did you ask, were you the one asking what the first gay caveman was like? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
That was, like, in a Patreon episode, I think, right? Yeah, the first gay caveman. Yeah, because, oh, no, no, I think it was in a public episode, because we were talking about how no matter what language you speak, like, gay accents come out. Like, you can just hear if someone's gay, and, like, you had to have been able to peep that with, like, cavemen.
Like they just had to have a bit more. Ooga, ooga. Ooga, ooga.
I'm gonna start doing that to y'all when y'all look good. Ooh, Ooga. Y'all remember that fucking crocodile movie Shawn Mendes did? I saw a clip of the baby crocodile singing recently. Who said yes? Who greenlit that? How much did that make in the box office? I feel like it probably made way more than you would expect.
Shawn Mendes. Like, it probably did crazy. Movies? No, actually, movies are flopping crazy right now. Let me not say that. But the most, I feel like random kids' movies do well because, like... What else is there for them to see? Yeah, kids' content in general, I feel like, does well. Oh, it made $111 million. How much? Oh, my God. $111 million. Which I think is good. No, that's, like, really good.
Also, another one of the greatest gifts God has given to humanity is being able to see the reels your friends and family likes on Instagram. I don't think I figured by now people would
like know about that and understand that like I can see the content they're interacting with but I still have like five to ten like people that like aren't in my life every single day or aren't in my life even every single year that like their likes pop up on there and it's them liking like
the hairiest bear you've ever seen like twerking or like a straight dude liking like sexy women like throwing ass or whatever. And I don't think they're aware and I hope they never find out that I can see what they're liking because it's literally the funniest thing ever scrolling through that thing. And yeah, really quick. Can you move your hair to the other side? Because it's, it's rubbing up against the microphone.
Let's go. Okay, thank you. Well, no, he was doing it because you're pretty. Yes, I was also doing it because you're pretty, but also the mic. I haven't seen anyone like anything that felt too funny. My sister liked a funny TikTok recently. I have two people in my life that send me...
I bet it's like 55% of the content that comes up on their Instagram feed, they just send to me. Literally, I have never... Well, that's what I think my sister's is. My sister, I'm like, you must just... She sends me like 30 at a time. I'm like, you must be swiping in every one. It's just like, in her head, she's like, banger, banger, banger, banger, banger. Or she's just like bored. What happened to curation?
Exactly. I want a curated send-off. Like, I send things to people that are very curated, personally. But I'm just that kind of girl. I take my time. Like, I just care. Yeah.
Yeah, like when I send Drew videos of guys and their stomachs are all inflated and distended, I make sure to send the best ones that are in 4K and you can hear like some sort of wits flushing around. No, we're literally not. And what's so funny is me and Kai were on the phone for, mind you, an hour and a half last night just like talking. It was really nice.
You don't call me. I'm literally, I'm all the way in Miami. You haven't called not once. You haven't called me, girl. The phone works both ways. The phone works both ways. No, no, actually. If he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to, he would. I'm going to clock it real quick because I do call you and you're like, oh, actually, like I have to go. And it's like five minutes into our call. The last three times I've called you. That's not true. The last time we spoke, we spoke for like 20 minutes. It was less than 12. Nuh-uh.
It was less than 12 because I was like, damn, I haven't spoken to Inya at all this week. There's no way. I think it was like 11 minutes and 38 seconds. Clock it. 15 minutes. Yeah, see? Less than 20. Bro, you're obsessed with me. Get off my fucking dick. Why do I have to call you and tell you
you what i'm up to and everything i'm doing you're so fucking obsessed with me get off of my back do you want me to call you or do you not want me to call you because sis you need to just know when i want to call that's like the main issue with calling is like yeah i want to talk to people on the phone but just can you somehow manage to call me within the like 10 seconds that that's a fleeting thought of what i want you know like i i think realistically i need to get better at calling people
Yes, you don't call anybody. I'm just bad. I don't like call or like I'm not somebody to like start up a conversation. That's very feminine of you.
It's also I wasn't allowed to have friends and stuff as a kid or like talk to people on the phone. So I'm not really used to like that still that kind of freedom. I think part of my brain is still wired. We're like to also in my head to start a conversation or talk to somebody is extremely bothersome regardless of the intention. And then also I get that right now. Yeah, I get like pre anxiety about like showing up in the conversation and making sure that like,
It is worthwhile. And then I will just like over speak, over text somehow. Anytime I'm on the phone with like anybody, like name a person that I'd be on the phone with. Your mom. Yeah. Like actually. I'm touching myself. I'm playing with my wiener. With Kai, especially last night, all night last night on the phone with him. I was...
touching myself with and yeah even though it was 10 minutes what do you mean you're touching yourself what are you talking about like just holding yourself in a loving manner no like my wiener um i can't lie like i know i'm super comfy with somebody if i'm chilling in a room with them and i got my hands on my coochie like i genuinely like i'm like damn this is true comfort and it's not in a sexual way it's just like it's like me it's me returning to myself
Like I wish I wish I was kidding too like it's not in a sexual way It's literally like this is for warmth and comfort and I'm returning to me like I'm returning back to my own womb in a way like Mommy has done mommying everyone for the day mommy must be comforted by her own mom But my mom is dead so you see my problem. Oh
Oh, can you move your hair again? Sorry. Oh my god, you just want to see my like skin, you freak. That's not it. We want to see your collarbones. What about it? Like, what about it? Kai wants to see your nude body. It's not weird. I just, it's just an audio thing. That's purely what it is. It's not anything more than that. Just call it as it is.
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I remember what I was going to say. Also, Drew, for audio, can you take your shirt off? Just because I think it's rubbing up against the mic. Wait, I actually am almost to a point in my life where I'm like, I'm almost going to be shirtless. Like, my body is so T right now. And yeah, I'm going to send you the pictures I've been taking at the gym. Also, almost going to be shirtless. And yeah, zoom in on the first one. Zoom in on Drew's face. Oh, I'm cropping it. Oh, shit.
That's pretty good. No, I wanna get strong. This arm is like really sad. Wait, Kai, which one was it? Was I kinda turned to the side? Yeah, it's that one. Yeah, and then zoom in very close to Drew's face. And you look at the pictures. Look at my body, T. But zoom in on his face. God, I hate the way I look in these fucking photos. My headphones died! I also had to make some food.
So... Is that all you're eating? Yeah. Big. This is what I'm having. Do you actually have nothing else on the side? Big and ginormous. No, this is just... This is the main course right here. Did you hear how heavy it was when it hit the mic? That's a lot. All right.
I'm scared. I'm scared of my shit myself. Oh, so you're going to chew for the rest of the episode. That's cool. Guys, hey, anybody else want to hear Kai chew on boiled plain rice? Actually, some people have emailed my business email and asked me for videos of exactly that. Of ASMR. Hello. Sis, your voice is peaking back up. Really? Oh, Drew told me to turn my shit up. Back to my dental work.
Got that temporary tooth installed on the right side of my mouth. And they made it so sharp that it literally for the first two days was cutting my tongue. Like my tooth was so sharp, it was cutting the side of my tongue. So what I did is I was like, I'm not going back to that fucking dental office. What I did is I grabbed a nail file and filed my temporary tooth down and it worked.
I guess, yeah, that's not the craziest thing ever, but was it, like, a fresh file, at least? No. It was the ones I use on my fingernails. No, I eat my fingernails. That's not that crazy. I'm sorry, though, but that's, like, you constantly wash your hands, like, your hands...
You would never bite on your fingernails after, like, playing around, but I feel like you've definitely filed your nails on a whim where your hands are dirty and it's just, like, collected dead skin and bacteria and, like... I eat my fingernails without washing my hands. I mean, I guess I eat my fingernails, too. But my fingers look pretty good right now. I need a fill, but, like...
No, I've been biting my nails the past like two, three days. I can't even lie. Oh, wait. But before I forget, the thing I was saying before you went was I thought my dad was trying to fucking kill me by making me wipe down all the wood and glass in the house every single Sunday. Like to me, that was also my dad. I genuinely think has OCD. Like if I get it from any parent, I think it's him because he also likes things done in such a specific way that
And he would go and look at the wood and be like, you didn't wipe this down with the dry fiberglass towel after. So there's dust stuck to the oil. And I'd be like, okay, like, bruh, it literally felt like I was in boot camp. And now look, my room is always a fucking mess. Yeah. That instilled nothing in you because there are dishes still in the sink from when you left.
Yeah, I don't give a fuck. My dad runs his crib like it's a fucking bed and breakfast. I don't want to do that. Like and I do think I'm somebody who I pick up after myself and like maybe it'll happen more at the end of the day or like the next morning, but I'll go around and I'll like I don't let especially in shared spaces anything get too too crazy.
Other than the laundry room. I was about to say the laundry room and the kitchen. The two shared spaces. I clean the kitchen. I clean the kitchen, bro. You know I clean the kitchen. Don't play with me about cleaning the kitchen. I clean it. No, you do, but I'm just so specific about how I want spaces to be cleaned. Oh my god, me too. I'm always like, I need my green couch to be clean.
I need my tan leather pillow. I need my wine glass. Oh, can't see it, but there it is. It's empty. Wait, but I thought you said that was from last night. So if you need your things a specific way, why would that need to be there? So is that just like the lie you always tell? You always have a wine glass there just in case anybody comes into your apartment so you can lie? Yeah. No, I'm a sociopath. And then I have my minimal lamp and then all of my vinyl records over here.
And yeah, so I'm also like crazy. I have a tent built in my room right now Really like a camping time. Yeah, I slept in it. I napped in it yesterday. Oh, that's kind of cute I like that. Yeah, I mean, why did you do that? I feel like that's what like kids do when their parents are going through a divorce. Oh No
I put the tent there instead of having a desk. I went out till 4 a.m. the other night. That is insane. Isn't that crazy? That's disgusting. Is that the same night that I got asked to be a third? I was literally about to bring that up next. You got asked to be a third for real? Bro, we went to Ackbar in...
which is the gay bar in la the only gay bar in la um haven't been in seven years because last time i went there um someone screamed in my face that uh i was a viner and it really was destabilizing um so i literally go like or were were you there that night i think i might have gone before
I've only been one other time and I was like, you know what, let's go again. Let's go get gay bar drinks. We went and it was just as destabilizing some like within like 30 seconds of walking in like a group of kids like looked at me and laughed at me and then came up to me and was like, I really like your shirt.
And I was like, oh, thank you. And then turned around and then they snickered and laughed again. And I was like, oh, my God, gay people are so mean. They're so mean. But we were on the dance floor having fun. And when we left, it was me, Kai, one of his friends and Mason. Mason vanished into the night. He was like, I'm going to go outside and pee. And then literally never saw him again the second we walked in. But we were walking off the dance floor and
And this couple in their 50s pulled Kai aside and asked him to be a third. Oh my God, were they hot? Were you flattered?
I was flattered. I was flattered, but I don't want to be a third in their relationship. But I was also like, this makes a lot of sense. I have a very stabilizing sexual masculine vibe. Of course, I'm going to be asked to be a third at this gay bar. Of course. You'd probably be a third in like a watcher sense, though. But no, it was also by a man and a woman. He would have been... Oh. The girl asked him. I was trying to get out of it, and then I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Like...
I'm not interested. This is my boyfriend. And I pointed to Drew and then immediately the other guy clocked it and was like, they're not gay. Or at least he's not pointing to me. And I was like, what the fuck? Also, like for some reason that like became like what people do is their business. And I really don't judge if it gets you going, but like.
Asking Kai to be your third? You have to be deranged as fuck to ask Kai to be your third. Like, you have to be really psycho, weird, like a danger-- a dangerous person. I don't think so. Put a pin in that because if we genuinely go down that road, we could be here for hours. I just don't understand why. It just doesn't make sense to me. Oh shit, I almost fucking forgot. Office bottom. Hey, your rice is getting cold.
The office bottoms out. Kai posted a picture and got called office bottom. Oh, but I was saying it's endearing the thought of two men approaching Kai with that. The thought of a man and woman approaching Kai with that. There's something very like eerie about it. Does that make sense? And the girl was the one that asked. Yeah. Oh my God. That is great. Low key should be illegal to go ask a stranger about that. Like I know, I know people are down like whatever, but like,
But I don't know if like... It was flattering to me. I wasn't getting any attention. It was sweet. They were sweet. They were like... I would be flattered if like a very specific set of people asked me that. No, I think the whole thing was like sweet. Like that... I was like... I support couples like...
diversifying their 25 year sex life. I think it's like wholesome. I've had a whole spiel about it before, but I'm like, no, like that's like ultimate trust and ultimate whatever. Not for me currently, but maybe in 25 years, who knows? Yeah. I'll be asking. I see the benefits of it. And I do think for a lot of people it works, but it's just too funny to me. Like it's literally like, it's too funny to think.
I guess actually it's kind of, this is a crazy relation to make, but it kind of reminds me how as much as people make fun of Jojo Siwa, no one loves Jojo Siwa like Jojo Siwa. Like that is the most confident person ever. She would never fault her in an answer if asked if she like,
how she feels about something she likes or whatever wait is someone who's brave enough girl she does as she pleases and like god she's real as fuck no that's what i'm saying she's real she fucking pleases bro like also speaking of the gay bar i got hit on down at the gay bars yeah drew got fucking swarmed i'm not like joking i don't care
Well, I care and it pisses me off because I didn't get any attention at that bar. You got asked to be a third. If I was there, I feel like I would have got hit on even though I'm a girl. You probably would have because you're gorgeous. No, it was lit. I like, I for the first time, like last week, I'd like was desirable. I felt desired. It was awesome. Dude, I swear to God, whenever we were in any, this is dead serious, by the way. Kai, you're feeding into it.
Let me just say this. Whenever we are in a social situation, people are like... Look at him. Look at how much it makes him smile. He's fucking psychotic. You guys are disgusting. They gravitate towards you like no one else. I feel like when we would be at a restaurant with Finn Wolfhard and people would walk past him to go up to you and talk to you because you have such inviting aura. Don't say that.
That's true. That's fucking true. I saw that shit happen. Well, that's because of this amazing phenomenon that me and Drew are influencers. So anytime we're with any of our celebrity friends, we're like the easy target. And then they're like, no, no, no. It's it's because I'm wholesome and I have good energy and I have a sweet, kind face. Strangers ask me for things all the time.
because i give off i exude this energy strangers ask you to meet them in the bathroom and hook up because you're a whore that's not strangers asking you for like that's not strangers like finn wolfhard the strangest thing about this conversation is the hate i'm getting for being cute also you are hella chilled back right now bitch you are laid the fuck up like yeah you're so relaxed i'm comfortable rub your feet i got my heated blanket
Your heba-deeba blanket? My heba-ba-doobie blanket?
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Save up to 45% site-wide plus a free measure. Blinds.com. Rules and restrictions may apply. Girl, how do you say her name? Because I say Bebobadooby and everything's like, that's not how you say it. It's Bebadooby, bitch. Bebobadooby. That's literally what I'm saying. Bebobadooby. Wait, say it again. I'm Bebobadooby. Now you're confusing me. Like, I don't know. I'm scared. Like, Bebadooby?
That's literally what I'm saying. No, it's not. No, it's not. You're adding a syllable. This is like you calling it Luka Guadalajara. Who else do you like? Oh, new Kim K one is Karma Kardashian. We got Carly Jenner and Karma Kardashian.
Oh my God. Guys, seriously, this is what life is about. Just laughing with your friends. No, literally. I love laughing with my friends. Wait, should I go into like really like detail about how I got hit on?
Dude, literally fucking no. You get so jealous. I'm telling them. I'm telling them because one of them is actually fucking crazy. I was walking off the dance floor after Kai and his friend left. And it was me and a buddy that I met up with. And we were walking off the dance floor. And then we saw two people that we knew trying to go to the dance floor. And they were like, was it fun in there? And we were like, yeah, it's fun, but it's like too many people walking.
And then as we're talking, this like 55-year-old like man that's probably like 5'6", grabs me. Like literally grabs my side and pulls me in and just like kisses my face down. And then just like walks away and winks at me. And then the people I was with was like, oh, do you know? This is why, oh, I can't have a gun. No, it was crazy. So like...
The people I was with, they were like, oh, do you know him? And I was like, no, do y'all? And they were like, no. And I was like, oh, that's like literally insane that that just happened. Like it was like wet. I felt his like beard and like his wet lips on my face. Not going to lie. I enjoyed it. So no shade there. But don't do that to strangers. Question mark. I had a question for you guys.
From the numbers of from one to ten, which ones are gay and which ones are straight? Wait, numbers one through ten, which are gay? Eight is gay, but not because of eight. Not because of like, oh, you ate, but just like... No, two holes. Those holes get filled. She's too like... What about one? Is that... I feel like that's straight, right? One is straight. One is the loneliest number. I don't know. One is kind of bi. Oh, we're adding bi now? I said straight or gay. Is bi gay? Yeah.
You tell me is bi no gay? I guess you're right. I guess you're right. That's a good point. Dude, bi people do exist because evil does exist. Remember. Gluttony exists, so bi people, we are still here. All the bi people in my life are- Two is gay. Three is straight. That's a boring ass number.
Four is straight, I think. Yeah, four is straight. Five is gay. Five is gay. Six is gay. Yeah. Six is gay. Seven to me is also gay. Nine and ten, straight for some reason. And they're the worst type of straight people. Like, oh, so annoying. Like, where's our month type, like, beat? No, literally, it's like Andrew Tate straight. Remember when that was, like, actually a genuine thing that was of concern is, like, straight people month?
Like what? Yeah, where is our month? Fit in bed, bro. You look like one of the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Like you're mad comfy. Masculinity is confusing and I've been taking lion's mane, but I don't feel like a lion, Mr. Tate. What is that from? Masculinity. Oh, with a president who looks like she's covered in Cheeto dust. I'm a nasty woman.
Well, you know what's really bugging me right now? And I can't get an answer to this because like, I don't have anybody in my life, like all of my cousins and like my siblings are past this age of doing this. And also, I haven't heard of people doing this in a long time. But did y'all ever bring like, do people still bring white t shirts, like kids to school to get them signed? Is that still a thing? Did y'all ever do that? Addicts did that for field day.
Did y'all do it like usually at the end of the year? Because that was our whole thing is like at the end of the year. Did you ever get to do that? Yeah. I didn't. That was like during the recession. And I just my heart goes out to all the middle schoolers right now who won't get to have a white T-shirt to get destroyed because I'll be damned if my dad sent me out of the house in a white tee and I came back with Sharpie scribbles all over it. Also, because like mine was a vintage green Hollister shirt.
See, that would have been smart if I got, like, a used shirt, but the whole thing was, like, a fresh Hanes tee. It was very... There was levels. There was levels. You couldn't just... And, like, if you were the kid getting a paper, a piece of paper signed, it was, like, embarrassing. Like, where's your shirt? Like, what? Yeah. Like, your crush won't get to write on your back. That's mad embarrassing. Like, what? It's all about the touch and the feel. It is. It's physical connection. Yeah.
Did y'all cry at the end of school? Like at the end of school? I cried. I cried because I was like being carried around by all my teammates and they were like, you're the best quarterback that this small town has ever seen. With your build, you're too, you're much too short to be a quarterback. I'm literally six. Actually, that is interesting. You were the first five, three quarterback. Oh my God.
Oh my god, wait, were you actually? No, I wasn't. I'm 6'1". Aw, little guy. Dude, you know what's crazy? It's fucked up because Kai's name is Kai and they would say little Kai, like little guy. No, they wouldn't. They'd be like, aw, little Kai, like when somebody was acting like a baby, they'd be like, don't be a little Kai. No, they would call him Kai Dick Appointment 30 o'clock.
Because you were always getting dicked down at... No, I would be dropping dick off crazy and in between winning games. Kai's the Postmates of dick drop-offs. That's illegal. I'll have you know. Kai Postmates Newman. Kai Postmates Newman. No, I'm six... I honestly... I know we joke a lot, but I'm like six... What is it? Six three? Whatever. It doesn't matter, but...
I'm 6'3". I don't want people to think that I'm super short. No, he's 6'3". And I was on the... I was... Oh, and also Friday Night Lights was based off of my hometown. Whatever. What is that? That's like a football show slash movie. It's a football movie. Oh, I think I only know about that because I'm pretty sure Drew Gooden talked about watching that in a video. And I was like, what is that? That's mine. Also, Kai... What? What?
Don't do that. That was weird. What you just said was weird and it made me not feel safe. It didn't make me feel safe. Should I read a journal entry from my diary? No.
Hold on. Trump polling poorly for how he's doing in his first 100 days of presidency reminds me of when that one guy, Kim Kardashian's old friend, posted a picture of himself and was like, should I go live? And everyone said no. Like, that's the equivalent of it. It's like... Wait, was that food god? It was food god. Every time I was seeing the news, it'd be a picture of him, and then they'd be like...
Like, with his disapproval rates, it felt like I was seeing a screenshot of that live of like, being like, no. No. It's raining today. I love the rain. That's not it. That was your groundwork. Your world's building. Okay, I love it. World's building. No, I have two whole pages, but I'm not reading them. I'll read one of mine.
That's it. I've had it. They called me short again. I can't do this anymore. Every day I run home. I run into my room. No, I'm not. Kai, would you tell me not to come to the studio the next day or would you let me bear witness? I would tell both of you guys to not come to the studio. Then I would go to the studio and kill myself. That would actually be really fucked up because we would have to clean it.
Well, what about the interpersonal aspects of how that's fucked up? Like seeing my dead body? No, no. It would just... I mean, we'd probably get it done quick. Day up. No, you wouldn't. I'm fucking heavy. Cleaned up? I'm very heavy because of muscle. Because of muscle. I have a lot of muscle. Muscle is denser than fat. And that's absolutely right. And pulling me out of there would be very, very hard because...
I'm 6'4". I genuinely feel like I could pick both of you up. Not at the same time. You probably could because you're very strong. Yeah, I am. I mean, you probably could because I weigh 37 pounds. That's actually really bad. Where's the rest of you? The wind blew me away yesterday. Kai saw it. We'll insert the video.
There's no video. There's no video. No, there is. There is actually. It's crazy that you're not saying that. No, there is a video, Drew. No, there is not a video of you getting blown away by the wind. That's impossible. I was literally holding on to a tree and my legs were flapping. Also, it's literally tornado season. Did a tornado? Yeah. Did a tornado come through L.A.? Because that's the only way you're getting lifted up off the ground. No, it was like a five mile per hour gust.
And it flapped me away like a napkin. Flapped? Yeah, you and a bunch of other trash got swept away. Take those stupid fucking glasses off. And you take that damn wig off your head. No! I saw a Lyft ad and it was a Coco Montrese clip. Wait, actually? It's like, it is from the Lyft account and it's them just using this clip.
My car broke down. Wait, is it just that? Yeah, it's just that looping. My car broke down? For Lyft. Hello? Her car broke down. She needs a Lyft. They need to hire that social media manager right now. That makes me feel so dark for some reason. No, the darkest part about it is I'm like, this was targeted to me in a crazy way. I was on a random page. I was on a random, like, fuck, I wish I saved...
how I got here, but I was looking through a random account and then I kept getting this ad. And at first I thought the person whose account I was looking at, I was like, why did they post Coco Montrese and Alyssa Edwards? You know, what was the turning point for me when I realized that we should start to get concerned about the state of advertising was, do you remember that viral clip of a car driving into a gas station?
That was, it was like a year ago. I'm pretty sure. Did it explode? It didn't explode, but it's from the POV of someone in the gas station and on the ground are a bunch of these energy drinks and like throughout the whole store is energy drinks. Oh, I know. And it was, it was like a piece of gorilla viral marketing and,
But it just, it totally just read as, as a, just, you know, a car driving into a gas station, some sort of catastrophic event. And I was like, this is bad. This is really bad that we're at this point where we're driving cars into real gas stations and tricking people into thinking that,
that calamities are happening is the need yeah in order to sell celsius or whatever the my my the moment for me was when all of the food accounts started interacting with each other and bullying each other on like the internet i was like yeah dude no one burger king was on twitter replying to random tweets that had nothing to do with burger king that's when i knew it was a wrap like when burger king and wendy's were trying to get the top tweets yeah
Because you're not making me go back to Wendy's. I'm not going. Actually, that is a lie. I fucked up. Wait, can y'all hear me? Hello, hello, hello, hello. Yes, I can. No, I'm ignoring you. I would fuck up a baked potato from Wendy's, though. They have baked potatoes? That sounds good. It's kind of the only thing I eat there now. Yeah, whenever I see Uber comments on a TikTok, I get really angry. I'm also like, just send them free shit. I know. Send a gift card. Enough with the comments.
I know, I like that people are, like, kind of wisening up and they're like, uh, girl, fuck you, send me something. Like, I've seen that, like, ten times. Girl, fuck you. No, it's literally giving, like, girl, fuck you. Aw, but then I kind of feel bad for the intern who has to, like, go through and reply. You know who ruined it all? Aw. Huh? No, actually, I would...
I was going to say Duolingo ruined it all, like, with this marketing style, but I low-key like the Duolingo ads, like, the Duolingo social team. Yeah, they eat. And also, to me, I'm like, Duolingo, like, learning a new language, that's good. That's good. That's, like, useful information. Although, like, I...
I've never completed any kind of language application. I've never... Any app that's for something like that has never been opened more than once on my phone. But I also just, like... I learned Swahili for two weeks through Duolingo. Yeah, you did. Well, the Duolingo app isn't sick on my phone anymore. Niniwi Drew. Your name is Drew? Mm-hmm. To end this episode, I thought...
Me and Drew have been going to acting classes for the past, what, four years, Drew? No, five. We're coming up on five. It has been five years. Oh, my God. Okay, well. Big bite. But we just wanted to...
To put it out there while Kai chews on his rice, if any casting directors are watching this, here is me and Drew acting out the scene in Little Women just to show you guys what we've been working on. Okay, wait, oh, sorry, losing the script. No, Teddy, please don't. It's no use, Joe. We've got to have it out. No, no, we don't.
I've loved you ever since I've known you, Joe. I couldn't help it. And you've been so good to me. I would have tried to show it, but you wouldn't let me. Now, I'm going to make you hear and give me an answer because I can't go on like this any longer. I wanted to save you from this. I thought you'd understand.
and I gave up the billiards and everything you didn't like and I waited and never complained for I hoped you'd love me though I'm not half good enough yes Joe wait yes you are wait yes you are no I'm done with this I'm like that was so good that was so good okay whose performance was better
Anya's was obviously better because she knew the lines and didn't stop halfway through. Also, your emotion was crazy. Yeah, thanks. Also, it's from Little Women, and you are a little woman, and Drew is a big, ugly man, so it was hard for me to really get into it. So you're saying I look like Timothee Chalamet. Don't let Kylie Jenner around me. Hey!
okay we need to come drew sigh up corner drew sigh up corner drew sigh up corner oh my god no furniture be like get the fuck out of my house girl fuck you and your dance studio oh damn uh this one is literally about kai i'm not even kidding you're crying over a dude with one outfit you knew he was never gonna change look at him in his fake house bro
Wait, he has an invisible door? How did he disappear? Yeah, how did he disappear into the couch? He's in the couch? Enya has STDs and has the nerve to squirt. Girl, that is pepper spray. It's really jarring because I can't tell if Kai's back in the room. It feels like a presence is amongst us. Wait, how did he come from the side? Hello? How'd you come from the side when you disappeared into the couch? Oh, okay, guys.
Go see Now You See Me 2. That was just a sneak peek of what you'll get into during that fun movie. Kai is on set right now for the new movie. He's really excited. Thanks for sponsoring this episode of Emergency Intercom. And I love magic. I just love magic. Elon Musk sounds like the name of a lesbian deodorant. Elon Musk. Elon Musk.
You and your family will burn in hell. Unleash your inner feminine, Elon Musk. Combine your masculine and feminine with Elon Musk. No one's a boy in this relationship, Elon Musk. Okay, okay, I'm gonna do media. Oh, oh my god, wait, actually, this comes out on Friday, Tuesday.
If any listeners are from or live in Miami, our friends at Stray Rats are doing a 15 year anniversary at Lower East Coast in Miami and Happy Nine Nine and Heaven and a bunch of brands are going to be there. And it's really cool. And I just wanted to shout that out because it's very rare that Miami has spaces with like a collection of things.
from brands that are all kind of like homegrown and yeah and can I do a shout out oh my god brah what shout out fucking boiled rice bitch laughing
Why is you sitting like that? Just dig out. I am doing a show in Austin on May 2nd. It's going to be a movie, but it's already sold out basically. So you probably can't get a ticket to that. Why are you? However, however, in New York, there will be a sequel to the movie in New York at Webster hall. If you want to get tickets, go,
I'll put them in my bio. They're not in there right now, but I'm going to put them in there now. And then by the time the episode is out, it'll be in my bio. You can buy tickets to the Webster Hall one. If you're in New York, it's going to be a sequel to the movie. I'm not going to that shit. It's like a sequel to La La Crocodile. No, it's going to be a sequel to... Which made millions, no? It's going to be a sequel to... La La Land. La La Land. Because there's music and people dancing. Moonlight.
Well, I don't know if it'll be moonlight. I need to make it clear for anybody because I don't know what the state of like anyone's mind is, but Kai does not make millions of dollars at his DJ set. I feel like I needed to like... No, no. Yeah, I make millions of dollars. I mean, look at that damn fucking house. This is the... My media of the week is Horsin' Around by Prefab Sprout. Hello, like before, Bill Withers...
Lluvia de Primavera, Bebu Silveti, and Rich Off Cocaine by Rick Ross. My media is Hacks. I watched the first season of Hacks, and I cannot believe that show's been out, coming out for four seasons, and I've literally never once heard a single thing about it, but it's won a bunch of, it's like critically acclaimed apparently. And then I watched it, and I was like, oh, this is actually kind of good, because
And the second season sucks dick and balls, but apparently the third season is actually good again. So we'll see. We'll see if it picks back up. But the first season was awesome. And my media is Stateside by Pink Panthers. Shout out Harrison for producing that. Where's Your Love Now by This Is Lorelei. And Easter Pink by Fake Mink. I snuck it up. It felt like you were trying to rush that. Bad bitch and endomelamista. Endomelamista. Endomelamista. Bad bitch and endomelamista.
Yep. All right. Well, that was my media. Oh, and Abracadabra by Lady Gaga. I saw her live recently and it was incredible. So yeah.
You and everyone else, Kai. Not everyone else. Oh, I actually saw her live about like two, three years ago now. Not abracadabra. No, it's okay. It's okay because she did like a lot of her classics. So it was a very different vibe and it was very intimate, although it was a stadium. She did her classics. And then did you see her do a performance that came in three acts? Oh, actually, did you say Lady Gugu was performing live at Coachella Weekend 8? Because I'm going to go.
What the fuck did you just say? Okay. All right. Well, bye, guys. I'm going to kill myself. Okay. Okay. I'm also going to kill myself, guys.