HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME
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-Try again. Start the sentence over. -We have something so excited that we want to sh-- -Kai, cover the camera. -Just hit me. -Cover the camera. -Can I show? -Yeah. -Um, we have something excite-- exciting. Uh, we want to announce for you guys our Wildflower cases are coming out on the 27th. That's a Monday, right?

- Monday. - Monday. - Monday. - Tuesday. - Yeah, on Monday following this episode. So you got the whole weekend to prepare. - And we did cute cases that are meant to go together. - It's for your friends. - You and your friends can all share. And if you have more than one close friend, listen, the problems that start from this are not necessarily my problem. Make it work. Make it work.

cutesy cutesy cutesy i like don't fuck with drew and you're vile can you put my case on your phone i already had it on my phone for like two weeks put it back no i like mine better don't hit me we are failing the green line test right now what

It means you dominate me. - I never really understood that. Like I saw all the lines in those pictures of celebrities, but I always assumed it was like when David Dobrik's annoying ass would like put a circle on something on the thumbnail. Didn't he do that?

Probably at some point. Like at some point that had to have happened. Or somebody does that. Maybe it's Mr. Beast. It's one of those freaky ass like. Little freaky y'all. Little freaky y'all. Welcome back to Emergency Intercom. This is episode 200. Isn't that crazy? Don't say that to me because I believed you. No, but we're not that far. Oh, God. Oh, brother. Oh.

Guys, as we're filming this, it's my last day of being 25. And when this comes out. Expired. I'll be 26. I feel like it. I feel like the milk I left in the cabinet the other day where it's like you open it and you're like, I guess I could technically drink this because it's really cold. But like, do I want to take the risk? No. Girl, you're still so young and playful. Oh, trust me.

There's too much life to live after this, actually. There's like far too much of it. A scary amount of life. But I'm excited. I genuinely am. I was thinking about how last year I went into the year with a really positive mindset and then bad things happened. And let's just say this year I went into it with an even more positive attitude and even worse things happened. Not necessarily to me, but like in the world. Yeah.

So I think we need to lock me up. Like, we need to lock me up. We need to shut that down immediately. Because when I'm happy, I guess no one else gets to be happy. You suck it out of everybody. Yeah. Shit. Yeah. We should just talk about the socio-political and economic state of the world right now. Bro! No, I literally was thinking that because I was like, oh, I want to...

Talk about like my thoughts for the year, but I still am trying to hold positive. So it almost feels like I'm still trying to gather my thoughts. Yeah, I have no thoughts. Oh, about what's happening. Oh, I have no thoughts and never plan on hearing the thoughts that I maybe do have because I genuinely am like.

- Guys, teamwork makes the dream work. Don't let them know your next move. We're happy, we're good, we're good. - My thoughts are kill them all. Unironically, like I can sit in bed and lay there and literally fantasize about changing everyone's life around me by just

Okay, well you can't say that now. Drew, okay wait. - Okay, we'll bleep what I said because I really don't want crimes, but like legitimately I am the happiest, most stable I've ever been in my life. - Really? - Yes, I feel good, I'm happy spiritually, emotionally, feel very connected to the world. - You're like mentally well right now? - Mm-hmm. - You're like mentally good? - Yeah.

And you're mentally well? Wait, is this not kind of impressive? That is impressive. It is pretty impressive. I thought you were going to fall. Okay, you're trembling like you might as well be twerking. Wow, this is pretty impressive. I really thought you were going to fall off that shit. Okay, this is Drew's... That's my try. That's your audition for SNL. No, I've been... All the auditions for SNL that came out. That's yours.

Put me in, coach! Put me in! Wait, should I do an SNL audition right now? What impression should I do? No, like make an original character. A British person waking up from surgery while the surgeons are still cutting him open. Oi, what's all this then? Oi, what's all this then? I think he'd be more like scared and mad. An alcoholic...

A British person. Okay. So all of them. Yeah. Okay. That was fun. I can't even hold you that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to British people. They're not alcoholics. I mean, I would be too if it was cloudy every day. I think sadly most people are alcoholics and they don't realize. They don't know. Yeah. They don't even know. They know about them. They know. Oh, who the fuck is Coco? Y'all, we're...

We're bringing Coco back in a big way. You didn't do your fucking thing. The audition of an alcoholic, you just said alcoholic British guy and then it... Oh, it was going to be a flop anyways. I already knew it was going to suck. You abandoned it. Yeah. What would your SNL audition be? I would walk in and be like, ah, fuck, you guys don't let the hot people talk enough. I'm going to go. And then I would leave.

Because I think a lot of the hot people, like, genuinely, like, there's some baddies who I don't see enough. Put them in. I see the baddies. Like, pull out the baddies. Name them. No. No.

I can't because I have big, big plans. Inya really is. I got big plans. Inya's plotting on the baddies. No. You know who I'm talking about. I know who you're talking about. I'm manifesting an SNL skit that's like an emergency intercom parody this year. Yeah. I think it could happen if we work hard enough. Yeah.

we work hard enough they would fucking make fun of me bitch don't put me on that damn show no I want it I want to be made fun of I think I think true equality is everyone getting bullied yeah I mean I like no trust and believe I believe in a negative joke about somebody if it's actually funny but like

Don't stoop too low. Yeah, don't stoop too low. Don't hit below the belt. But also, I was stalking this girl who... You shouldn't be just stalking women. No, it's like chill. Like, I follow her around and look through her windows. I don't ever interact with her, though. She barely even knows of my existence. I mean...

Do you have any plans on telling her or is it more of just... Is it a sexual thing? I mean, it could become one. Oh, no, that's not good. So, no, no, no. I've been stalking this girl on TikTok and she made this video of doing conservative makeup or whatever. And she made a video that literally resonated with me so much. And it was like...

The synopsis of it was like, no, I'm tired of the Miss Rachel's rainbow and sunshine liberals. We need to become absolutely vile and mean. And once I become vile and mean and I start attacking them for their nasty, rotted, gutted fucking mugs, their faces that are melting off their goddamn body, don't say shit. And so she started bullying people for their looks because they voted against...

everyone's right. Everyone's right. And they deserve it. Um, so I think I'm going to take a page out of, I mean, I already like bully Elon Musk and his nasty fucking mug. Ugh. I just literally like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I actually am scared to say that publicly because of the amount of censorship happening online right now. We live in an oligarchic fascist government. It's over for us, y'all. For the next four years, at least. Until Trump puts in a policy where he can run again. And then by that time, he'll be dementia ridden in a diaper and shitting himself. But we'll be Morse coding his farts, which is essentially the same of just hearing what he's saying. Well, yeah, you know.

shit like I the thing is I genuinely don't know what to say because I actually am I am so terrified that I am reverting to just being positive like and that I feel like I genuinely feel like that says so much but even with it being partially toxic positivity I do think we know what to do like does that make sense like I genuinely feel like

There has always been this layer of oppression over minority groups, whether it has to do with like race, sexuality, gender, like yada, yada, yada. People have always made it such a point within our society to preserve important things, which is crazy that the preservation I'm thinking of is rights. Like it's just like basic human rights, but within these communities, like,

There is a togetherness that I genuinely think nothing can beat. It'll persevere. Yeah, it'll persevere. It'll grow stronger. It'll build communities in person even stronger. I think that's something I'm really thinking about in the next few years is just...

keeping all the people I know and love very close. And safe. Yeah, and safe and building those communities in person. Online, it is so important, but it has, I think at this point, it's been compromised. Yeah, it's been compromised. But we've learned so much in the past four to eight years with the internet alone. And we've made so many communities. And I think just sticking down and like,

Huddling down, being there for your people, being there for anybody. And also just like, I don't know, it's such a hard thing to navigate because again, trust and believe so many lives are being affected on so many scales. And even if it's not being affected, it's just causing this layer of anxiety on everybody and you can see it in everyone's

eyes that there is like even the right I eat their silence is terrifying I know they're like oh fuck what have we done but me and Kai were talking about it and Kai made good fucking points it's like there is a silver lining to this at least they're showing us their true colors they're not hiding behind the fucking veil anymore like they're actively showing us who is in control and it's 20 fucking people and

Well, that's I feel like also the weird lining is I'm trying to think about like where I want us to stand in this, if that makes sense. But I do think it's a good conversation to have like on the episode because I don't want us to seem just like because we're not just like that. But it's just a hard line to walk because with all that being said, and I think it is important to talk about. I also do want there to be some sort of.

of safe place on the internet still, if that makes sense. Like, I feel like there can be a balance where we can be both entertaining, but you guys also know that we are not dumb. We are not naive. We are not ignoring everything that's happening. And I'm scared, but I think existing...

It's a gift. It's a gift. Existing is a gift, guys. There's also this like sigh up that I feel like the Trump administration is doing where they're like, oh, we dominated. Like the United States is like dominantly red now. But that's not the reality. They only got like three million more votes. Yeah. And I feel like all over TikTok people are like, yeah.

This huge shift happened where it's like they barely beat us. It's so fucking insane. I feel like so many people are just like, damn, I guess everyone's a Republican now. But it's like, no. And it's fucking working.

Yeah, it's working because it has all of us literally on edge. And I do think there should be some sort of awareness because like Drew said, we fully do live in an... And I can't... I have said that word enough times in person and every time I say it, I feel like I say it wrong. So I'm not even going to give it to anybody because I can't pronounce anything.

oligarchy period okay every time i say i feel like i'm saying it wrong because it also sounds like something from fucking lilo and stitch like it sounds like the fucking oligarchy ohana means oligarchy oligarchy means family y'all we're in this together family business um but yeah we are definitely living in scary times but i do think it is important to be um

very outspoken about the fact that y'all aren't going to shut me up. Like what? Literally, what are you going to do? Drive me off the fucking internet, bitch? I will never shut up. One thing about me is I demand detention from the day I was born to the day I fucking die. So I am going to say everything I want all the fucking time. You already are taking my rights in every other way. So I will continue my right to be a fucking bitch. And I

I wouldn't kill any of y'all. I would slap the ever living fucking shit out of all the people front row at the inauguration. I don't even want anybody who even fucks with that shit because I know there's people out there who are just in the fucking weeds. And I know y'all are fucking with this. I will smack the ever living dog shit out of you if I see you in person. And I know you're on that side. Thank you. And I don't want to kill them.

We don't. We don't. No. We don't believe in that. On a more positive note, it is a miracle that I have a license.

Oh my god. And you literally was like unironically not even doing it as a bit like just did donuts in front of our house for some reason. Okay I didn't do a donut. You did. You skirted. I did a loop around to back up into a spot. It sounded like a sound effect from Mike Fast and Furious. My music was too loud. I couldn't hear it. And then yeah we thought you were joking. We looked over and you were just like dead serious like blasting your music. I do that all the time. Like okay also

also i want to clarify i am a very safe driver i there was no one around trust and believe i peeked down the intersection before i did all that i saw the car i knew you were there like i didn't care but yeah i'm just an efficient driver some people are really taking their time out there but i'm efficient and i'm safe i'm the best of both worlds yep exactly and uh i want to be in a car commercial

That would be so fun. I think actually my dream would be to be in a car commercial. Like any car companies, honestly, even like Toyota Burbank. I'll take it. Like if it's filmed well, I will take it. I'll take the job. Climbing up the rock wall in a Jeep. Would you do a Jeep Wrangler? No. A Jeep Wrangler. If you drive a Jeep Wrangler, I am so sorry. I love you, but...

get that car out of my fucking face and i feel like a lot of people in our audience do drive jeep wranglers like it just feels like it's just a really gay car that i don't like it's a mask lesbian car yeah yeah it's like it's very masculine it's it's like subaru's

And Jeep Wranglers. Those are like the lesbian cars. I fuck with the Subarus though. The newer Subarus are really nice. Are you saying you don't fuck with lesbians? I fuck with...

a specific handful of lesbians. Yes. Well, yes. Well, yes. Are you saying you hate gay people and you like Donald Trump? Not all gay people, guys. Not all gay people are bad. TikTok was supposed to be banned. That's a whole other fucking thing. So annoying. PR campaign, duh. Meta will buy 50% of it over the next 90 days at some point and it will be compromised. But anyways...

Not to get back into my evil, dark, visceral, visceral hatred. But I had this written down because I was like, oh, TikTok's going away. Like, there's no way he'll see it. But I'll talk about it anyways because it's a funny story. What is happening? Y'all know the TikTok physics teacher? Yeah. Like the TikTok physics teacher. Kaidi, you know who I'm talking about? Look up TikTok physics teacher. What is happening because I'm really scared. So...

I thought he was fine shit. Like, I thought he was a baddie. But I didn't know how to approach saying he was a baddie because I was like, I'm going to shoot my shot. Wait, this guy? No. You have to insert that. No. Yes, yes, actually. You're a good liar, though, because you asked that in a way that seemed like you genuinely believed it. You were like, oh, that's cute. But...

We followed each other on Instagram and we were just like chatting and talking and whatever. And it was a vibe. Well, one day, oh my God, it's actually so humiliating. I'm not even kidding. One day I devised a plan. You need to start. Okay, actually, I want to hear that. So my plan was when he posted an IG story, I was going to...

Send it to you and say oh my god. He's fine like he's he's sexy hot or whatever but accidentally Oh my god drew Did you respond well I did do that um and he was like oh, thank you. I'm straight

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I'll read you the message verbatim. Why would you not like run that past me? I did. No, you did not. I swear to God I did. I was like, I'm going to do this. And you're like, sure. Because it was like more of a troll than anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wait, was that the night you were standing on the table in front of me and giving like a monologue? I don't remember. This was years ago. This was like three, four years ago. Oh, I do remember. Oh, yeah. Southern. S-U-G-H-E.

Oh my god, bro. It's Sutherland Physics, I think. Yeah, Sutherland Physics. Does he know you're telling this story? No, but I don't give a fuck. But I mean, we literally had a fruitful, long relationship. A fruitful? Yeah. Wait, did you send it to him on TikTok? No, on Instagram. This was years ago. I can't find our messages. But damn, we've talked a lot, actually. But yeah, TikTok's not banned, but...

That's an embarrassing story that I had. I just feel weird because I posted a bunch of nasty hole videos because I was like, it's fucking banned. Like, we're all going to have fun. All that shit. And we warned you. How did that go up? Like how? Like it was getting banned. Everyone was doing crazy shit. So I thought it was fine. But hole in hole. People were admitting to not working out and diet. Yeah. Like not eating. You're a rock ass fuck.

The mukbangers admitting to not eating the food. Like, do you hear yourself? You are fucking dumb as hell. And, like, them still not posting since they posted that video and TikTok's been back for two days. Like, bitch, I would be shameful. And that was really, like, a suicide ritual. Like, that was, like, a weird, like, ritual we saw. Because also, I'm confused, like...

It really does show me the age group of everybody on TikTok, the way certain people were reacting, because I felt awful because obviously people are going to like lose their jobs. It's income for a lot of people. It's good for businesses, all this shit. But there were people who were actually acting like the internet was bad.

done, which showed me that their only use of the internet was TikTok, which was kind of jarring. Diversify. Oh, I was saying last night, like, bitch, I'm going pro. Like, I'm a pro TikTok scroller. Like, I really could go to the Olympics for TikTok scrolling because I'm so good at that shit.

And I don't use TikTok like all you other bitches. Like, I find weird fucking random people in the middle of America and learn every single thing there is to learn about them. And I mean obscure people. Yeah, you do. You're really good at it. Like five likes, 200 views. When you were looking over my shoulder on my TikTok the other day, I could tell everyone you wanted me, whose profile you wanted me to go to. And I was like, I'm not.

I knew you could tell. I don't like doing that. Also, I found Logan Roy on TikTok. Is that a Versace suit? No, it's just a random guy in a weird suit. I really like his vibe, though. Why do I want this outfit for my birthday? This is literally me in two years. Should we go get me a suit for tomorrow and I could wear a suit on my birthday? Wait, what were you saying before I rudely interrupted you? I don't know. Right before I was saying TikTok scrolling.

Going pro. Oh, I'm so bad at it. Like, I just hate... You were saying something else, but sorry, keep going. Oh, that you're really good at it? Is that what you want to hear? Wait, keep going? No, I was saying that I could tell when you want... Like, when we're going through my feed, I could tell Drew wants me to go to people's pages and I'm just like, no, I don't want to do that. It's so fucking boring to me. It's so lit, bro. You don't get it. Like, no, it's because you're really good at it, but also I...

I use TikTok. I don't know what I watch because every time I open the app, I don't watch through a single fucking video. Like I, it takes so much to get my attention or it has to be immediate because I feel like you've seen me do it. I just like, when I open TikTok, I'm just like,

Yeah, it's really vile. Like I literally just go through until I see something that catches my eye. Like I'm going on there for a specific vibe and if I don't catch it in the first few ones, I just go to Instagram. Sometimes I see like the most pathetic people on TikTok. Like I was scrolling and there's this guy on a plane and he took a selfie with an iPad.

Oh, yeah. Oh, the pathetic guy behind him. That guy is a fucking loser behind him. Yeah, the guy behind that guy was so pathetic. So ugly. Like, so nasty. I was actually talking about the guy taking the photo. That guy behind him seemed cute. Oh, yeah, he was really cute. The guy behind him did seem cute. I like his smile. The plain selfie guy. I really like the plain selfie guy. Well, I have something to pin there. The pathetic guy.

- The aesthetic playing guy is such a bummer though. The one behind him. - No, the one in the back. - He tried to sneak into the lower. - It's just like, yeah, he was like, he wanted, he was having main character syndrome. - No, no, no, the one in the back, in the comments people were saying he looks like Luigi, has Luigi vibes. I'm talking about the-- - From the game?

No, from the assassination. Oh, you want to look like an assassin? Oh, yeah. That's weird. It's weird in this climate to want to look like an assassinator, Kai Newman. Okay, well, I'm just saying aesthetically, not like, you know, ideologically. Oh, so you wouldn't want to kill the rich? Oh, okay. Yeah, you're picking your side. You're a bootlicker. No, that fucking video taking off in that way was outspoken.

Absolutely insane. I literally could not believe the reaction it was getting because... Isn't that like 50 million views? Yeah, it is. It's got like 10 million likes. It was like number... In the top 10 most popular videos on TikTok for the week. I feel like whenever a video gets that many views, it like transcends language barriers. It's like something deeply human that you're capturing. It's like hitting like the Middle East right now. Like it's like... Yeah, you're worldwide.

Yeah, I've literally gone global. And like the craziest thing is like when I posted it, I was like, oh, this is just like a... Just a good memory. A draft that I'm posting because TikTok's getting banned. Like it's going to just get 20,000 likes. But like, bro, like the amount of comments... Guys, believe in your fucking dreams. No, believe in it. It can take off. But anyways...

uh dollar sign elfie coin dollar sign elfie coin dropping soon selfie uh selfie coin dropping selfie ipad yeah selfie selfie ipad kid coin uh no but we're going global y'all like i'm i'm about to do podcasts like britney broski hit me up to do her podcast tricia paytas hit me up to do her podcast yeah and selfie guy ellen degeneres obviously manager right now but don't worry guys i'm only taking 90 he's getting 10.

getting kind of everything so fair yeah yeah i have a link up with a hot tour girl coming soon but no it was so funny like people like it's if you know me and you know us like it's very obvious a troll obviously a troll but the amount of comments that were like oh my god this is so wholesome like i love his energy like he really doesn't care about anybody else around him which is

Very true. I really don't give a fuck. I guess it is real. But my favorite comment was like, oh, I like his smile. His smile is so cute. And it's you doing the this smile. No, that was pre that smile.

I think the underrated draft was the one where it looks like you just ate poop. Yeah, that did not take off. That one I feel like was really good. Lick that what? Is that doo-doo? Lick that butt. Eat that butt. Eat that what? Eat that butt. Yeah, the draft dump was very melodramatic of me. And honestly, I was watching them because

It's lead paint. Did you watch my story, Kai? This is what his story was on TikTok. No, I didn't see that. The amount of drafts I had of me just staring at the camera with a filter with a creepy song behind me was actually insane.

probably 20 more loaded up if i yeah you had a lot of drafts that were just that it was kind of eerie yeah i was crying laughing at all the people that deleted tiktok off their phone the second it got banned and they couldn't get back in so they were having to watch it through like email and safari and shit you still can't access it right yeah it's not on the app store i thought i thought you couldn't because i send you stuff and you said you can't watch it i thought are you airing my shit out like that that's not that's probably a

That's like a small talk. You ever thought he's just like ignoring you and wants wanted it like the perfect excuse to not reply. It's impossible. I don't have TikTok. OK. Honestly, TikTok's bunk as fuck. Like y'all. Yeah. Y'all use that app. I'll be fine without it. I really am at a crossroads. Like something about it does feel a little tainted, but I'm like, y'all can't take this from us. Like you already like you can't take it from us.

We'll see what happens in like two weeks. I just hope it doesn't become like what they don't have the reels algorithm. I know. Cause that's what, that's what I'm worried about. And I'm scared. The reason why TikTok works so well is because it actually pays people

random people to post so it can it can become a side hustle for them and it incentivizes them and it's like oh i can make fucking an extra thousand dollars a month by posting on tiktok and all i do is just vlog my life like duh like i'm gonna do that and no other app has that and that's why tiktok works so well it's because it's so fucking human because actually real humans are posting on it and it's not just these like social media influencers yeah like

It's perfect. It's perfect. Down to the last minute detail. And if they take away the money, then it'll die very quickly. The little Trump message, boo, tomato, tomato. You're a loser. What's crazy is I didn't even read that shit, you fucking idiot. I feel like I only read what it said when people were posting their screenshots that it wasn't working anymore. And even that, I was just typing. I was like, whatever, whatever. What's scary is it wasn't for us.

It was for like the 14 to 17 year old boys that use TikTok that are like voting in the next election in four years. They see that and they're like, oh, President Trump saved TikTok. I'm going to vote for the red party next. If any of y'all are dumb enough to fucking fall for that shit, I hope your mom comes home drunk as fuck and beats the living shit out of you. I'm sorry. I genuinely hope.

I genuinely hope Trump gets cancer. I hope his insides melt out of his ass. Sorry. This episode is literally us like having a funny, fun conversation. And then it literally, it always leads back to the funk. Like it always, but that's what I'm saying. This is the last episode I'm talking about those fucking nasty ass men. Other than this, you won't hear anything from me because I'm not giving them the time of day. Like I'm not wasting my breath on them. Am I allowed to call him a bitch?

Am I allowed to say that? I found this TikTok that's literally just what this podcast is. Two girls and the boy they bully.

Thank you. I was literally about to break my neck actually. Like, it hurts so bad. Bro, like, we are pushing 30. What chip? Oh, a chip of the chair? No, um... Oh, one of your chips. Yeah, a spicy Frito, which I think is the best chip ever made. Remember when being called a local was like a reed?

Like now all we fiend for is wanting to be called locals. Also, what's so funny is like the audacity to call someone a local and everybody who said my locals was just either at college or made a rash decision to move out of their state. Or was a fucking loser online. Yeah, like my locals. I never, I will say I never said my locals. I've always loved my locals.

Like I've always loved them. No, I used it. No, I used it derogatory. I was like my fucking locals. I hate my locals. But it's also because I grew up in a... I'm not even going to talk about it. I'm not going to talk about it. I grew up being called slurs. Well, I'm having the kind of period that feels like it is the period of Christmas past. Do you want me to talk to your uterus? Um...

Yeah. In your uterus? In your uterus. I'm talking directly to you right now. Hurting my girlfriend. Okay? Uteri. I'm gonna- Okay, can you back up? I'm gonna beat the shit out of you if you don't stop hurting my friend and making her bleed out of her- So you're gonna hit me? Just sit down. So she- I need her to stop bleeding out of her vagina because of you.

You're really, really getting in the way of... You're only saying that because you won't pick up with me on my period. You're getting in the way of a lot of things. So, uterus, I'm telling you now, I'm your worst enemy. I am your nightmare. I am your worst... No, but sometimes I feel like I have, like, a...

Like I have too many chill periods where they're like seamless. I'm just bleeding, whatever. No big deal. And I know cramps or anything. And then just one month, it feels like somebody ran up to me with steel toed boots, kicked me in the vagina, threw me on the pavement, stepped on my lower back and then turned me over and grabbed two wrenches and went like this with my nipples in them. Were your nipples hurt on your period? My boobs. You need a massage? Honestly, yeah. Ew. Like the thing is,

Ew. Come on. That's disgusting. It's really like I can't even like it's don't say that kind of shit to me ever again. OK, just watch yourself. Oh, my God. Why is doing makeup actually really hard, guys? Like I'm talking about a lot of girl things that y'all can't understand. But last night I was feeling brave and I was like, I haven't played with makeup in so long. You really haven't. I was like, I'm going to do my makeup to see maybe on my birthday. Do my makeup. No.

No, I don't even have photo evidence of what I did last night because I was humiliated. I stood in front of the mirror. I was like, yes, I'm going to go crazy. I'm going to give like glamour down. I washed my face immediately. Like I literally, I'm not kidding. I've never gone in bed faster. Like I like, I like washed my face half ass, put cream all over and went to bed. I can't do it. It's embarrassing. Yeah. Makeup is really hard. You know what else is hard? What?

Being a man. Actually, though. Yeah. Yeah, guys. Like, just generally just being a man. Well, like, what about it? Hearing about periods. Yeah, like, having to protect women my whole life. Basically protecting women constantly. Like, not being able to chase after them. Not being able to chase after them. Yeah, it's just, like, it's unironically. You chase people normally? Yes. Is that, like, a hobby? Yeah. Yeah.

But no, like actually like being a man is hard. But doing that period simulator did make us feel what it was like to be a woman. And actually I redact what I said and it's actually way harder to be a woman. Yeah. I was going to say it's hella easy. Like that period shit, like y'all complained about that. That shit hurt so bad. It was horrible. You were moaning, Kai. I know. Roll the clip. Roll the clip. No. No. No.

Fuck it. I'm going to roll it. I'm going to roll it. Ew. Also, Lucas and Josiah were waxing Lucas's legs in the crib. And it was the most like...

Patrick was there, Josh was filming it. And I was like, this is the most homoerotic thing ever. Cause I was in the kitchen and all I heard was like them moaning and groaning and like all laughing and then getting really silent while one of them was moaning and groaning.

And it was really creepy. Did you record any of it? I think I did. Yeah, because I need to hear that audio. Like, I don't know if I got any of the moaning and groaning because it was really gross. And I was like, ew, take it somewhere else. But I did get this video of Lucas asking Josiah if he should turn over. Should I turn around? Yeah.

And then at one point they were just playing bossa nova and it was just Lucas and Josie and I was like this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Such a weird vibe. Such a weird fucking vibe and it's really starting to feel like we're a bit too old to be doing that shit but also guys we're reworking the world I fear. We're reworking it. We're gonna be roommates forever not because we want to but because we have to. Why? Aren't you gonna marry like a pretty girl or something?

Yeah. You have to go off and marry a pretty girl. You have to go off and marry a pretty girl and start a family.

imagine that art for me like i swear there will be a time in my life that i enter spiritual psychosis religious psychosis and like become hyper religious and like denounce all gay like lo anthony and like become just like a normal person ew no i'm just kidding being gay is normal rolling your eyes like guys being gay is like actually really true um i just i can feel it in my cards like i'm just like a little crazy

like i don't think that has to be like i guess being straight is a little crazy like i'm not even kidding i was thinking about it in the car right over here and this is gonna sound so annoying but if you actually give a about like gender and genitals you are weird as like you are weird as to me and i am so sorry but like it's just the weirdest thing to give a about like if you find someone bad and you're attracted to them

You're gonna get to freak in one way or another. Trust and believe, like, you will find it. Like, there is something there, but I think some people are literally just too boring. Like, I don't know, B. They're fucking prudes. You're losers. That's the other thing about Mark Zuckerberg is he has one fucking body. That's why he's a fucking power-hungry loser is because he has one body. He's a fucking prude little twerp with a baby fucking penis that he never gets to fucking use.

Somebody who gets hired, because I know damn well they are not fucking like taking care of anything in their homes by themselves. So anybody who works in their house to any capacity, you should sneak Nair into Mark Zuckerberg's family. Sneak cameras. Sneak cameras into the house. Oh, I don't want to see that. No, I need to embarrass him. Oh, yeah, yeah. One time, what were you going to say? No, I was just going to change the subject. One time, another story that I've never told, um,

because it scared the ever living shit out of me. It was the most terrified I've ever been in my life. For some reason, do you know Lisa and Lena? - Yeah. - For some reason when I was like 16, I thought it would be the funniest thing in the world to start a death hoax for them.

So I started Elisa Lena Death Hooks and got it like trending number one on Twitter. And it was so bad. It had like 40,000 tweets on it. And it was so bad that they had to like make response videos to it and be like, I'm not dead. And they all tracked it. I'm not dead.

All of their fans tracked it back to me and was like, that's just literally not funny. Like starting a death hoax list actually isn't funny. I was like shaking in my bed. And like it was like a bunch of like 13, 14, 15, 16 year old girls. You're shaking in your bed because 12 year olds are getting on your ass. No, like they were eating me up. And like they like I was not safe on the Internet for a week. Like they had shooters like ready to fucking go. They brought in the National Guard to your account.

They were at your little post button standing around. I still think death hooks are hilarious. No, it is funny. I gave y'all permission to just start death hooks. It's funny. Hey, guys. We want to take a quick break to thank one of today's sponsors. Shopify. Shopify.

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is funny because it's just like bro like what do you mean he died like I would love a memorial like compilation of Drew and it's like he's a bungee jumping yeah that's all I think about is like my photos like they're gonna like people who don't know who I am and they're gonna be like oh wait that kid died that's so sad they go to my Instagram and it's just those photos like literally

literally, what do I look like? Does anybody actually know what I look like? Like, it's actually crazy. - I've never thought about that. Like the day people have to just like look you up and be like, oh, I've seen a video of him. Oh, the selfie plane guy died. - The plane selfie guy died. Oh fuck, I have to liquidate my Elfie coin.

My dollar sign Alfie coin. Oh, that's genius. Is that not? That's smart as fuck. I've been saying it for the last 10 minutes and no one seemed to give a fuck. Like it's good, but it's as good as like emoji restaurant is good. Do you know about emoji restaurant? Yeah, yeah. Have I talked about it on here? You have talked about it endlessly.

Emoji restaurant is an idea for... Drew has such a problem where he's like, you reintroduce the same ideas under like a different umbrella. You know what's fucked up is last night or the night before me and Josh were talking about just like how nice it would be to have like a second you to like...

go and like be social. And then I can just sit in my bed and rot on Tik TOK all day. And like, I have a second person taking care of like my job, my social relationships and all that shit, which like, that's why I need the personal AI thing you've been telling me about Kai. Um,

Oh, yeah, yeah. But I was like, damn, that's such a good idea for a short film or even a movie, to adapt that into a movie. And then I sat up, I talked about it or thought about it for three more seconds and I was like, oh, so literally the substance. I literally want to make the substance too. Okay. I do that all the time where I think I come up with these amazing ideas and then they've been done 400 times. And I do the same thing. I'll be like,

No one's ever done this before. And I take a picture of it to send to somebody. And then my phone takes that photo and goes through my whole iPhone. It shows me on every application something similar to what I'm doing currently. I mean, consciousness and ideas are a cosmic bubble that you can reach into and connect to. But all of the ideas everyone else in the world can reach into. And so once you have an idea out there, do it. Take a hold of it.

Wow. Thank you. Are you okay, bro? No, everything in my life is bad. No, I'm right here. I'm right here and my birthday's tomorrow. You literally are. Like, hello. Also, if you ask somebody whose birthday is coming up what they're doing for their birthday, like, what are you going to do? Like, what are we going to do?

Suck my fucking dick and balls from the back while I'm bent over after running eight miles. Like, literally, are you dumb as fuck? What do you mean? What are we going to do? Who's we, bitch? Like, leave me the fuck alone. And that sounds so mean because a lot of my close friends have asked me that and I'm down for that. But like the stranglers who like, or not the stranglers. The killers. Yeah.

The stragglers who I'm not that close to will just text me this week and be like, what are we doing for your birthday? Describing your friends that text you what you're doing for your birthday as stragglers is crazy. You know what I mean? Like the people who I'm like, I see every now and then, but I just so happen to fall into conversation with. And then they're like, oh, my God, it's your birthday soon. What are you going to do? Like, do you have plans? Like, what's the plan?

what's the plan bitch if you want a free fucking meal tell me you want to take me on a day and i'll pay i'll literally pay yeah but yeah but also it's just because i'm the kind of person who again i want attention but i refuse to demand it and i just wish everyone kind of knew it was my birthday and could read my mind and just do something for me because like i don't want to decide and

I just can never tell if you want to do something for your birthday or not. Well, because if anybody does anything that isn't exactly what I want, I'm getting pissed. Then I don't know what I want. Whatever the opposite of sapiosexual is, that's what I am. What the fuck does that mean? A sapiosexual is someone like attracted to intelligence. That's what I am. Yeah, Kai's a sapiosexual. I'm the opposite of that. Bimbo sexual? Himbo, yeah. Bimbo sexual, oh.

bimbo sexual yeah bimbo sexual do you just like want somebody who's dumb as brick i just want control oh okay i mean i'm glad you can recognize that no i really do think stupid people that aren't republicans are cool no i genuinely i feel like we talk about that all the time is people who are just living on like kind of a disconnected realm are kind of lit

everything is bad no everything is good and everything is embarrassing i don't know guys i i really woke up on the right side of the bed today and it only took me three tries because i've been trying to wake up since 9 a.m and i didn't get out of my bed until 11 40 i woke up at 6 30 in the morning and was like up an atom like i i know it was pissing me off i was like i i normally just wake up hella early like i

automatically but 6 30 the sun wasn't even fucking up yet and i was so pissed and i could not go back to sleep i just love sleeping and it's really bad i did fall back asleep this is what i wanted to talk about i did fall back asleep at like 9 30 and woke up at like 10 4 10 15 or something like that um tell me why i had the most like

horrible dreams ever that I was just perpetually overdosing and accidentally taking handfuls of Xanax thinking they were men's. I'm not kidding. Like literally it happened three times and I was like, oh, here we go again. Like gotta get fucking Narcan or whatever. Oh my God. Yeah, no, it was horrible. And like I, in real life, I could feel my mouth like open. Sorry.

Also, I hate that you did that face because I just thought it was a TikTok. What? I don't like how customers look at me, one. Like, you just looked like when you had that one filter on. Like, this is really... Ew, I don't like that anymore. It's kind of really gross. It's nasty. Well, shit. Mm-hmm.

You can't do that. You can't look at me and make that face. If this was any other working environment, that would not be appropriate. He stuck his tongue out and like wagged it at me. You're such a perv for sexualizing that. Sexualizing the most sexual thing that you can do without touching someone. This is so gross.

I know. I hate that you and Josie do it. It's so disgusting. Like, it is really nasty. It's vile. It's like. Why is it so gross, though? I don't know. Oh, but I did. I guess I did do that at a lady. Remember? Wait, what? I think we cut it out. But honestly, like, this is my secret to share. This is the one I would have shared for TikTok.

This lady made me so mad in road rage because I had the right of way and she was being a fucking bitch. It was this older fucking white lady. She had to have been like 63. And I had the right of way and I wasn't moving fast enough for her liking. So her car was like, her face was right here out my window because she was trying to get into a spot. I don't even remember the setting. All I remember is...

I was like moving too slow. So she honked at me and then looked at me and was like, started yelling. And I was like, bitch, fuck you. And then I was like, bye. Like, bye, bye, bye. Like, whatever. And we got into this back and forth and she kept holding her horn down. So I did that face at her. No. And she literally was like. That's so sad. And then she just backed up and dipped. Oh. She literally was.

It's okay because in her head, I'm straight as a bone. So it's not even like a threat. She deserved it. But what is the problem with it? It's just nasty. Why is that the one? It is so shocking. Because I have a friend who works as a pilot and he had like a co-pilot like do that face at like the people like doing the...

that shit out front like the traffic director and did he get in trouble he got in trouble and got fired for doing that and my friend was like he was like he was such a chill guy and I don't know where the fuck it came from and it was so nasty like it really scared me and he lost his job it is it is really fucking crazy like it's I think it's I think it's hilarious when I did it I felt fucking insane and I like

Wait, can you do it, but hide it? No. Just please. No. I need to see it. Because unlike you, it's funny to you because you're not about it. You know what I mean? It's not funny. If I did that, even on camera, even- I munchbox. I munchbox. Hello. Yeah. I'm obsessed with Margaret Qualley. What the hell does that have to do with it? I love Margaret Qualley. She's married. She's a married woman. Yeah, to a fucking freak bitch that I can overpower. Oh.

Oh, well, you heard it here first. Margaret, come here, queen. Come queen out with me, Margaret. Also, her name being Margaret. I always pronounced it Margo Qualley by accident. Margo Qualley. Yeah. Margo Qualley and Margaret Robbie. What's her name?

margaret quali yeah margo quali that's yeah i know that's what i was just repeating i was like wait so i have been saying it right margaret robbie margaret robbie is that her new name marga robbie okay please stop what i thought that was like easy to puzzle together wait like who is that is that the barbie girl yes okay

Well, too many people have like similar names and like, I don't know, like in my head, I don't know the difference between like, I just found out the difference between Martin Short and Steve Martin. I don't know who those people are. Steve Martin? Steve Martin? Steve Martin's like the guy with the like white hair. Yeah. Who was the dad in all the movies. And then Martin Short is just that little guy. That's just a different, a different guy. Yeah. His last name being Short and he being little. Mm hmm.

Oh, that's cute. I feel like it was probably chosen His name is probably like Martin Smith or some normal shit and you're not allowed to have the same name as other people in Hollywood for some reason Will Smith oh my fucking god y'all did y'all see Will Smith got slapped by Chris Rock

Or Chris Rock got slapped by Will Smith this weekend at the Oscars. Really? Yeah. Well, let me look it up. No, it hasn't happened. It's going to happen. It's going to happen? Yeah, it's going to happen. How do you know it's going to happen? That just doesn't seem like it. That would be so crazy. It's going to happen. Chris Rock got slapped. Oh, bitch. Also, this is actually crazy. Did you know Taylor Swift was dating that one football player?

She's dating a football player. Really? She's seriously dating a football player. Actually. Yeah. Kelsey isn't his first. Travis. Travis. Travis. Oh, his brother is fine shit. I want him so bad. He's like my fine shit. Yeah. I want him so bad. I want him in David Harbor to Eiffel Tower me. But this is what I was going to say. The real shit is.

I actually cannot believe this, but a new tick dropped that makes you allergic to meat if it bites you. Okay, we need to end this episode. It's for real. And you need it because you're sitting here talking about wanting to be Eiffel Tower.

I can't believe you just said that. I can't believe you said that on national news. Look, I have AI pictures. This is low-key just national news for fucking bored people. Like, this is national news. Hold on. I got AI pictures of Travis Kelsey and David Harbour sweaty. Just sweaty? Yes. I'm sorry, guys. I have to do this. Well, I have this picture. Who is that? That's not real. No, this is real.

That looks like it was AI generated by you to create an image. The most ideal. For you, yeah. That's like you uploaded your consciousness. Ew, okay, that I don't get. That's like how the strong guy in Popeye the cartoon was like drawn. That's what your ideal build is. Let me see. This isn't the AI one. This is just my roster. Hold on, wait, I have to find the AI one. It's somewhere. You're so annoying.

Whoa, that's pretty crazy. Oh, it's the cop from Stranger Things. Yeah. Oh, I was trying to picture who that was. Well, I guess that's been the episode, guys. Quick little 45-minute episode for y'all. Listen, times are looking dark, but together we make light. Times are looking scary, but together we make... Hairy. Hairy.

bush together we make bush um all right well thank you guys for watching but here's my fucking media how about oh andrew sion i've been watching succession i'm halfway through season two i just picked it up again last night after the chaos that was the past two weeks and i'm loving it i love it i love it i love it i love it tiktok is vape instagram reels is cigarettes

The 30 minutes I had to use Instagram reels was the worst, literally the worst time of my fucking life. Personally, I was off my phone and I felt free. In that moment, I was free. Also, the voodoo company I ordered my voodoo doll or my voodoo candles from went out of business and they were in business for like 300 years. Dark sided.

Mine is Elevator Spaghetti by Georgiana. It is what it is by Blood Orange. Hmm.

Father figure George Michael. Heartbreaker Mariah Carey. Walk a thin line. Fleetwood Mac. I feel for you. Acoustic demo Prince. I live for you. I love for you, Elizabeth. Oh, wow. So that thing got uploaded to Twitter and someone said, why does he move so gay? Right.

I don't get the context. Can anyone give me the context? Dickhead on a plane. Dickhead. That's hella funny. Dudes talking about uneven eyebrows like their balls don't look like this. Little O, big O. The infinity symbol. Or like the little one because the right ball is always shorter. Just fucking disgusting, bro. USA? More like USB.

Okay. Boy, turn that Claro off and grab you a beer. So real. You motherfuckers would hang out with a squirrel if it had a cart and listened to Blade. Honestly, I would vibe down with that fucking squirrel. I would hang out with a squirrel.

They should make a soup that fixes everything. Also, I should clarify, I would vibe with that squirrel if he had the cart. I'd have to sneakily change the music, I can't lie. Because that kind of shit is going to make me see a scary person in the corner. Oh, this is tea. Blade music sounds like me and my homegirls getting high. And it's like, yeah, I see that person in the corner too, girl. Don't be too scared. Lake submitted one. We need Letterboxd for Drew Phillips' YouTube videos so I can write reviews and rate them. Oh, okay.

That's true. We do need that. Someone make that app. Letterboxd for YouTube videos. No, for Drew's YouTube videos. Just for yours? Just for mine. You could just like make like a link tree and like a random. Me finding out that instead of cool and mysterious, me finding out that the vibe I gave off isn't cool. Fuck. Me finding out this is just writ, wrote wrong. Let me see. Me finding out that. Read you, wrote you. Read you, wrote you.

I'm the one. I'm the one. One. One. One. Who the fuck is Coco? Oh, yeah. I didn't get to finish that, y'all. Coco's the new, like, right, right. Like, if someone does you dirty or, like, you genuinely don't know someone, just say, who the fuck is Coco? Me finding out that instead of mysterious and cool, people think I'm autistic and lesbian. That is stupid. That was from Lake Armstrong.

One one one one the fucking mean you're twerking on the low The fuck you mean he's twerking on the low Oh, is that like why when y'all break up with somebody the weirdest shit comes out like what do you mean? He's working on the low Okay, and let me do my media I've been listening to Eric Azeroth, um, I really like this song terraria and

I've been listening to I Am A Monster, which is cool as fuck. Pervert by Ethel Kane. I don't know if y'all have listened yet, but it's so sick. I need to listen. It's so sick. And then Silver by A.G. Cook. My Media. I was going to say My Media.

Bitch, don't fucking shush me. Okay, go, go. The moldy peaches. Oh. It's good, and it makes me feel like everything's okay. I would. Bye. Bye.