How to get over a situationship and find your soulmate
41:27 Share

The thing is, being in a situationship is actually one of the most challenging dynamics to remove yourself from. It can feel fucking impossible. It's not always as simple as just cutting someone off most of the time. You know when your friends just say, cut them off, they're toxic, they're not good for you, they're not healthy for you, just move the fuck on. You're gonna find someone better, there are so many fish in the sea.

Well, on the outside, that obviously seems obvious. That might seem like a very obvious thing to do when you know someone is toxic. Obviously, this person isn't right for you. You know you deserve better. But when you've already formed an emotional bond or attachment to them and you've most likely slept with them and you've been going on dates with them and you're cuddling with them and you've spent time with each other's families maybe and you have that intimacy with this person,

It's really not always as simple as just high and dry, cutting it off and moving on with a smile on your face the next morning. Now, for those of you who are into astrology, my Venus is in Pisces, which is a water placement, which is all about sacrifice and attaching yourself to people that need saving. Pisces is all about being the savior and really falling deeply in love with the people who need love the most, but often can't reciprocate it in the same way.

I don't really know if it's an astrology thing because I think this will actually apply to a lot of people and it'll be something that resonates with a lot of people listening right now. But it's so easy to self-sacrifice when you are attached to someone. When you're deeply emotionally invested in someone, even if they're not reciprocating,

It's like you almost want to be the savior of the relationship and you want to try to see where it could go and you cling on to the potential and you see the potential in them. And even if this person has hurt you time and time again, even if this person is quote unquote toxic.

you almost feel like you could save them and rescue the relationship and resuscitate whatever's left of it and turn it into a beautiful relationship because you're hopeful, you're optimistic, you're positive, you want things to work, you really care about this person. And although some of these qualities are amazing to have in general, it's so easy to give all those qualities to the wrong person who just doesn't deserve it. And that's what happens oftentimes in situationships.

In situationships for me, I would still sacrifice all my love and give all my energy and my time to a person even if I knew they weren't right for me or even if I knew they couldn't provide the same love that I could provide. And honestly, after being through many situations like this, I've realized that that is no way to live. That is not a way to live inside of a romantic relationship or any type of relationship at all.

But that's often what a situationship is. A situationship often feels like you're just constantly giving so much of your energy and time away and that other person really isn't as invested. They really don't care and they're not investing as much into you. And it's not an even dynamic because you're really never on the same page.

And in this episode, I'm going to cover why it's so hard to let go of a situation and what you can do about it, and also why situationships can actually be a blessing in disguise and be a really positive dynamic for your self-development and your self-growth in order to lead you eventually to the right relationship.

Before I fully dive into today's episode, I also want to mention my masterclass, Dare to Detach. You've seen it on Instagram. You've heard about it on the podcast if you're a listener. The course is a great supplement to the podcast because it's designed to work to rewire your brain and to help you detach from toxic patterns, to help you let go of situationships and toxic people, to help you move on from the relationships that you're currently stuck in when you know you deserve more.

The course is designed and it's here to help you rewire your brain for good, to heal, to let go of your ex, to let go of toxic friendships, family, to quit your job and go somewhere else. This course is designed to help you reprogram everything so you could upgrade your entire life and truly transform into the person you really want to become and the person that you've always envisioned yourself to be. Pick

Picture this, you want to manifest a brand new job. Two days later, you receive your dream job offer. Your ex calls you after six months because he wants to get back together and he feels that your energy has shifted, but you're already so healed and over it

that it's irrelevant. You're so neutral and free and so in alignment that it doesn't matter who reaches out to you or who wants you anymore because you are finally in control of your life and you get to decide who stays in it and who doesn't. You know your power and your worth and you finally understand your value because you are the opulent power. You are shining from within and everyone else around you will feel that.

That is what the course is here for. If you're constantly tired of holding on to what or who isn't good for you, if you're feeling stuck in your life, the Dare to Detach Masterclass is here for you.

And I would love for you to join us. You can use the code SELFLOVE at checkout. You could find the link to the course in the show notes or on my Instagram at Date Yourself Instead or on the course account Dare to Detach. I love you. I'm so grateful for everyone who's joined the course already. We have such an amazing community that we've built and I'm so proud of all of you for being there. Remember to use the code SELFLOVE for $20 off. I love you. And now let's dive into today's episode.

When my friend Gemma came to visit me from Australia, she was telling me how the situation ship to soulmate pipeline is so real. Now for those of you who haven't listened to my what to do when they pull away episode, Gemma was the very first guest on date yourself instead. She's so incredible. She's so wise beyond her years. I met her from podcasting. I listened to her podcast, the psychology of your 20s.

And it was so eye-opening for me. And she just has such a calming energy. And I absolutely love her. You should definitely go check her podcast out.

And Gemma came to New York a couple of months ago and we met in person for the first time and we were having dinner and just catching up. And she was telling me how oftentimes we go from being in this super toxic dynamic and then it often leads to a beautiful, healthy soulmate connection after we've learned the lessons we needed to learn, after we've truly gone through the bullshit of a situationship and the dirt and we've really fallen in a way because we've given our heart to someone that doesn't deserve it.

We often rise up from the ashes like a fucking phoenix and we end up eventually attracting our soulmate after we've done the inner work, after we've healed, after we've learned significant valuable lessons from people who have broken our hearts.

And I agreed with this because I remember every time I found myself in a serious relationship with a man who actually did love me and care about me, there were so many weird men before or weird situationships before that I had to go through in order to meet my significant other. And...

I don't regret any of it. I think every dynamic and every situation, every man I've interacted with, every date I've been on has taught me some sort of valuable lesson and has brought something to me so I can apply it to my life and be better and work on myself for the future in my future romantic relationships. I don't regret any of it. And even though I remember sometimes I was in pain, sometimes I was heartbroken, sometimes I felt like I had been truly taken advantage of by people.

I still don't regret any of those experiences because they truly have, and I mean it when I say this, they truly have shaped me into the woman I am today. And I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I wouldn't have this podcast. I wouldn't be able to give other people advice. I wouldn't be able to do any of that and feel as strong as I feel now internally if I hadn't gone through all of those other situationships.

Situationships can be one of the most difficult dynamics in my opinion and I think they're actually worse than breakups. And the reason they often feel worse is because it's always the what if and the potential of the situationship that keeps us stuck and that keeps the pain ongoing and lingering. You didn't get to live out the relationship the way you had wanted. You didn't get to see that person in a romantic relationship the way you had fantasized about.

You had hopes that it would work out during the situationship. You had hopes that they would change. You saw glimmers of the potential of a real relationship with this person. And when it doesn't work out, you feel like you're missing out still on what it could have been. And that's what keeps you stuck. And that's what keeps you hurt. And that's what keeps you grieving. And I've been in situationships where it was actually harder for me to...

fully move on and come to terms with the fact that it was over because I felt like I hadn't lived out what I had built up in my head. I really didn't have the full opportunity to

see that person in a romantic relationship and be with that person and live out the experience that I had really, really wanted. And it's especially difficult when you know that person has the capability to be a good romantic partner, but they just don't want to do it with you. That's the worst feeling of all when you're like,

I see how amazing this person could be. They have all these amazing qualities and they could be an amazing boyfriend or girlfriend, but they just don't want to be that for me. And that's the most difficult part of all. And that's why I think we often stay so attached to the potential and what the situationship could have been. And that's what keeps us stuck. And that's what keeps us grieving it a lot.

So the difference with actual breakups is that you've already dated this person. You've already seen the good and bad. You've already experienced so many things with this person and you already saw it through. You almost got the relationship out of your system. You know their good and bad qualities. You know the extent to what they could provide and what they couldn't provide. You know everything about them.

And sometimes that's why it's easier to get over a real breakup versus a situationship. Now, I'm not saying this applies to every situation. I've also gone through really, really painful breakups. And when I was in love with someone and they didn't want to be with me anymore, it was the worst heart-shattering feeling in the world. But I've heard so many times when people are struggling to move on from someone they didn't even date. And...

It sounds crazy from the outside. You're like, what's the big deal? You weren't even ever dating them. But in reality, in your mind, in the construct that you created in your brain, you were dating them. You really were dating them, but they just didn't feel like they were dating you. And that's a lot harder to come to terms with when you feel like it was one-sided the whole time and you put your heart into someone that literally just doesn't give a fuck about you. It's a totally different type of dynamic and feeling.

Now, let's just say you have this fear where if you let go of this person in your life, that you're never going to find anyone better. That's a really common fear. And I think a lot of people have this fear because when you start getting very emotionally attached and invested into someone, you start growing these blinders. And these blinders are going to prevent you from seeing the bigger picture.

And this happens a lot with toxic dynamics where you have these love blinders on or these love goggles on. Sorry, I'm like losing my voice. I'm like losing my voice right now as I'm like trying to give this motivational pep talk. But...

What I was saying is you grow these blinders when you are with someone and especially when you're in a relationship that might be toxic and not the best situation for you. And it blinds you, literally blinds you from seeing the bigger picture and from seeing that there's any other options out there because you start getting so laser focused on this one individual. And it makes it feel like you're never going to find anyone else. And

It also makes you feel like finding someone else is going to take so much work that it feels impossible, that you have to start over again, blah, blah, blah. You get it. And you're just like, I don't want to start over. I don't want to have to go and meet someone else and get to know someone else. I don't want to have to restart this whole process of being close to someone and sharing things with this person and cuddling with them and being close with them. It's just

It's exhausting, right? Because you've already put all your energy into this person. And that's common. A lot of people feel that way. When you get very emotionally invested, you get attached, and then your blinders go on, and you cannot see the bigger picture anymore. But the truth is...

Everything is energy. And when you're constantly allowing yourself to tolerate the energy of someone who cannot see your value or worth, it will always keep you stuck on a timeline where you're not going to be able to attract your soulmate. You're not going to be truly happy in any relationships because you're always going to be giving more. And that's no way to live. Now, if you're actively choosing to live that way and you don't mind being the one that gives more and you feel you're the one putting in all the effort and love and energy into the relationship,

You do you. But I don't think anyone necessarily deserves that or wants to live that way. You deserve to be loved the way that you love. You deserve to be treated the way that you would treat your partner. You deserve to be valued and appreciated and adored and respected. So...

If you're choosing to tolerate the energy of someone who cannot respect you or value you or see your worth or want to commit to you, it will keep you stuck in that energy indefinitely unless you actively decide to change it and snap out of it and say, I deserve more. And I can manifest anyone I fucking want. And I can attract the best possible person for me if I allow myself to. You have to really give yourself that permission.

and understand that that's what you deserve. In order to actually attract the right person for you, you need to be able to see your own value and understand that you are wasting your time with people who don't see it.

That's why I'm now very cutthroat with people that enter my life because it's either you love me and value me and appreciate me and you see my worth or you don't. There's no middle ground. There's no confusion. There's no, I want you in my life because you're cool, but I don't want to date you energy coming in. I'm speaking from a place of being very single right now. I'm so much more at peace and I have no anxiety like I used to. I used to live in a constant state of fight or flight. I'm

I used to put so much unnecessary energy and emphasis on people who just didn't fucking deserve it. I sucked my own power dry trying to make shit work with people who literally were probably laughing at me with their friends behind closed doors.

saying, this girl is desperate. And that's okay. You know what? Say what you want about me. It's not about what they were saying. And it's not about what someone else necessarily perceives of me. But it's more for me knowing that I'm with someone that's so proud to be with me and that values me and loves me and sees me the way I see them. I know that's what I deserve. And

there were situations in the past where I would be with someone and I knew that they were probably just mocking me in a way and saying, oh my god, this girl is so needy. This girl is so clingy. She's trying to date me and I just I don't feel the same way. And if someone literally tells you to your face, I don't want a relationship, that means they don't want a relationship with you. And that's what it is. And you

You could stay. You can fight it. You can try to make it work. You could put all your eggs in one basket and try to get this person to see how amazing you are. But that's just not how it works. You can't force someone to see your value. And it's going to be up to you to cut it off. And the hardest thing in the world to do is cut off a situationship that you've spent months investing in. And it's

a choice that you have to make oftentimes and not the other person because the other person doesn't really care enough about your feelings and your time and your energy to even cut it off. They're just like, okay, whatever. They're there. It's convenient. It's nice. I like talking to them.

That person might think you're very cool. That person might like you in their life, but they're not really going to do anything more than that or take the next step or take it to the next level because in the back of their mind, they're really looking for someone better long term. They're not going to be committing to you because in the back of their mind, they're like, I'll keep this person around. I like them, but they're still not good enough to date. I still want them in my life, but they're not going to be my girlfriend. They're not going to have that spot or hold that place in my life, but I'll keep them around.

And if you want to be that person that they just keep around until something better comes along, you really got to think about it. Do you actually value yourself the way that you deserve to be valued? Are you okay with being that placeholder? Because I'm fucking not.

I know I deserve more than that. And I've been a placeholder for people before. And it's the worst fucking feeling. It's a shitty feeling knowing that you want me around until what? Until what changes? Until you find someone else and then leave me in the dust and you never valued me to begin with and I just wasted three years of my life?

That's no fucking way to live. I don't want to say the word embarrassing, but for me personally, I feel like I would be embarrassing myself if I allowed myself to be a placeholder for someone else at this point in my life. I was reading one of my favorite books by an amazing relationship coach named Natasha Adamo, who I love so much and I hope to have her on the podcast soon. I'm going to start incorporating more guests in the second half of 2024 and I'm so fucking excited.

Anyways, she has this book called When Your Breakup that was recommended in my masterclass. We have a group chat and we were discussing book recommendations. This was one of them. It's called When Your Breakup. And it's such a powerful read. Highly recommend it. In the book, she talks about toxic people being epic moment curators where they create the most incredible moments and then they'll surround those moments with lies, manipulation, and confusion and mixed signals.

And I find this applies so well to situationships because you get glimpses of what a real relationship could be with this person. Oftentimes, you'll get glimpses of the potential of what the relationship could be with you. So they'll show you these little tidbits of how amazing of a partner they could be.

But they're just not going to be that partner to you, but they'll show you what they could be because they have it in them. But they just don't want to give it away to you in particular. And when you see those epic moments and these people will curate these like epic scenarios and you'll have a few good dates or you'll go to their house and they'll make you feel like...

You're a million bucks and like you're the greatest thing that's ever happened to them and you cuddle and you spend the night and you meet their parents. Like I've heard so many situations where these girls will be like, I met his mom and dad and they told me they love me and like I'm a part of the family. And the next day he ghosted me. I'm like, what the fuck? And after reading this book and she was talking about these epic moment curators, it makes so much sense.

When you're in a situationship with someone or when you're in a toxic situation with someone, they will show you glimpses of being an amazing partner to keep you there, to keep you there, to show you there's hope, to show you there could be an amazing relationship if you just stick around, but they'll never actually give it to you. And it keeps you stuck and hanging on because you're like, well, I know this person has the capability of being amazing because I've seen glimpses of it.

In the book, she also discusses how oftentimes toxic people will shower you with attention in moments and then pull back and go ice cold, which activates your fear of abandonment. So you end up kissing this person's ass even more and getting even more emotionally attached. You're afraid that they're going to leave you because of the hot and cold dynamic, because you get these really big highs and then really big lows. And that will activate and trigger things within you. So you get even more focused on making sure that they don't leave and you become even more obsessive.

over them not leaving and you become more attached and

This happens all the time in situationship dynamics because if that person isn't invested in you and they go out for the weekend and they don't reply to your text for three days and then they come back on Monday like nothing happened, that's going to bother you and trigger you and activate something within you. It's not that you're overreacting or you're crazy. That could trigger wounds or fears of abandonment easily in someone when you're in a relationship that's not right. And it will cause you to get even more attached because you're like,

fuck like this person I need them to see how amazing I am and I need them to see that like they should stay and stick around longer and they're running away from me so I should be chasing after them and that is just not it that is not the energy we're carrying into this year 2024 is the year of self-empowerment 2024 is the year of seeing our value and our worth we're not chasing after shit we're not chasing after someone who's playing hot and cold with us it is a waste of fucking energy and time and

the right person is not going to trigger these things inside of you. They're not going to make you question shit. They're not going to go hot and cold. They're going to actually help you heal those wounds and help you through it.

In my last relationship, I would say my ex definitely healed a lot of old wounding I had from people who didn't see my value because he did see my value and he wanted to commit to me immediately. And that healed a lot within me because in the past, I would be begging people to commit. I would be energetically begging, not literally verbally saying, please be with me. It wasn't like that. But energetically, I was in that space where I was like,

Are we going to date? Are they going to be with me? And I would want it so bad. And looking back, I'm like, why was I energetically begging so much and desperately trying to hold on to people that just never saw my value in the first place? When I did some research online, I also came across this article that was talking about why getting over a situationship is so challenging. And some of the other things I discovered were

are that everything is unclear and uncertain, which will drive you crazy and make you more attached and make you attached because you want to see what's going to happen. That curious side of you is like, oh, well, it's unclear now, but it's going to be clear if I just keep going with it. And situationships often lack these clear boundaries and expectations, and the confusion will keep you stuck, and the confusion will actually keep you more attached. And

That also ties into another thing I was reading about unresolved feelings. When your feelings are unresolved with someone and you don't get the proper closure you need, or you're just always in this big question mark. I always say this. There's been so many times where I've been in this like energy of a big fucking question mark where I just didn't know where I stood with someone. And I actually wrote a song about this. So

Fun fact about me. I love music. I love singing. I love songwriting. Eventually, maybe I'll release music at some point in the future. Again, I have one song on Spotify. You could go listen to it. It's called What You Do To Me, but that's a whole other story. I...

Would rather not talk about it right now. But I love songwriting. And one of the songs that I wrote was called Where Do We Stand? And it's literally about this big question mark of asking this guy, like, where do we stand in the relationship? Like, where the fuck are we going? Are we going, you know, forwards? Are we going to date? Or are we just never going to speak again? Or are we going to do this back and forth weird dynamic for the next six years?

until I'm much older and having gray hair now because I'm so stressed out. And I think this is so relatable and so common to have that feeling of just a big question mark lingering over a relationship. And especially when it's a situation ship, you're just like, what direction is this really headed in? Because I can't take it anymore. Anyways, that feeling of just having things be unresolved will keep you stuck for a very long time. Okay.

In 2019, I had a situationship that I was so invested in and I couldn't really understand why I was so invested because I knew deep down it was never going to work in the first place. He was noncommittal to begin with. He told me he didn't want a relationship, but I was so attached to him.

And I tried to convince myself I didn't want a relationship either. But I did after a certain point. I didn't in the beginning. But that's how I got myself so heavily invested. Because after month two, I would say, we were sleeping together. We were sleeping at each other's places. We were going to dinner all the time. We were working out together, just doing all these activities and texting frequently. And it felt like a relationship. So...

at a point I was like, wait, I like being around him. I like him. Intimacy is great. He's really hot. I don't know like how he feels, but maybe I'll bring it up. And when I brought it up, I could tell he was like, okay, I'm not dating you. I told you I didn't want a relationship, but I continued it anyway because I was already so in it. And

And I was already so emotionally in it. So I was like, I'm not just going to back out now. Let me just see where it goes. And I felt like I had to sabotage it and just cut it off because he wasn't going to officially end it. And then when I finally healed and detached at last, a year later, literally a year later, I remember I ended it and then I was really grieving it for a few months after. And then the pain dissipates, you move on, you start meeting other people, whatever it is.

About a year later, he reached out to me and it was COVID. So I actually replied and he wanted to meet up and I was like, hmm, maybe I should meet up with him. Stupid me. Horrible idea, obviously. And I was actually considering it because there was a piece of me that was like still holding on to, oh, well, maybe things will be different now. Like maybe he's changed or maybe this situationship was a situationship then, but it won't be now. And

I was so close to meeting up with him again. I swear my life, looking back, I'm like, that would have been a horrible decision. I don't know why I was even considering it. But it was so hard to really pull myself out of that spider web because it just felt like there were so many moving parts to it where I would get these glimmers of hope and then he would be really nice and treat me nice and treat me as if he respected me. And

then you would pull away again. It was one of those dynamics where you're left feeling just so confused with no proper closure. And sometimes when you're actually over something and then that person comes back, you're coming from a place of confidence because you're over it. So you're like, oh, it's not a big deal if I entertain it again because I'm not going to get hurt again. But terrible idea. Terrible way to look at it. And so this guy wants to meet up. Sorry, I'm going a little off track here. But okay, so this guy wants to meet up.

And that same week, or I think it was like a day later, two days later,

I met my next boyfriend and I started hanging out with him and everything shifted. The universe was like, dude, you're not going down that path again. I'm not allowing you to entertain this situationship toxic dynamic ever again. You've already evolved. You've already healed enough. You've already moved past it. It's time to give you something bigger and better. And you're not going back to this person. And...

I never went back. That officially had slammed the door. I had done the work. I had healed. Enough time had passed. The universe tested me a little bit. The sky reached out to me again. I almost did it. I almost went, but then I was guided. I was divinely guided into a better situation. And...

It's interesting because tying this back to what I was saying in the beginning of the episode with my friend Gemma and how she was saying how sometimes you have to go through the shit to meet better people. That's exactly what happened. It was the situationship to soulmate pipeline.

I'm giving her full credit for this because she's the one who coined this term of situationship to soulmate. And I think it's so damn true. Sometimes you have to go through the shit and go through the toxic dynamics in order to find better people that are going to give you what you deserve and give you the love that you've always deserved.

I've also seen this in one of my best friends. She was dating a guy who was not right for her, and I knew it the second I met him. I think she dated him for about a year or so. He, I think, was obviously nice to her in the beginning of the relationship, but over time, I remember her just saying these things that he would do that just weren't very nice. And she was trying to build a life with him and wanted to move in with him, and they both had the opportunity to...

move in together because their leases were both up at the same time. And instead of moving in together, making that decision after a year of being together, he said he wanted to live with his best friend and he didn't even live in the same state as her. She was traveling to see him all the time. It was one of those things where she was definitely investing more energy into him than he was into her. And obviously, that's not a good feeling. And she just knew deep down, I think, that she was doing way more for him than he was for her.

And she had wanted to live with him. And it was just this whole dynamic of essentially being like, what are we doing? Like, why aren't we living together? I feel like if we're working towards being together for the long term, this is the perfect opportunity to test it out. And he just made up a bunch of excuses and ended up moving in with someone else, like this friend of his. Later down the line, they end up breaking up.

And she had to be the one to end it because he just wasn't giving anything anymore. And she was not happy.

And I remember her telling me the craziest part of all was that he didn't even fight it. Once she decided to end it, he was like, all right, no problem. And she was like, wow, that really showed me a lot. And it illuminated the entire relationship for me because he didn't even really question the breakup or try to fight for me. And I deserve someone that fights for me and wants to be with me and can't live without me. And I'm like, 100%, that's exactly what you deserve. I'm going to have her on the podcast forever.

eventually because she has some of the craziest dating stories and also I just love her she's one of my best childhood friends we grew up together and we've definitely gone through similar dynamics with men in general the reason I'm bringing this up now is because now

She is with a man who worships her, who treats her right. And she's so happy. And she finally found this guy that appreciates her and respects her. And I want her to tell the full story on the podcast. But basically, after her breakup that I just mentioned, she moved away. She moved to a different state. She restarted her life. She got a new job. She hit the reset button, essentially, on her life. And that's when she met.

her soulmate. And that's when she met someone who treats her like gold, who she's truly happy with, who she could be herself with. And she told me it's just been easy. It's been the easiest relationship because I knew where he stood the whole time. There were no games. There were no questions. It was just easy. And when you have a foundation of things just feeling right and clicking and being easy and there's no anxiety and there's no questioning, it's just so nice. And it's just such a peaceful, amazing relationship.

dynamic and everyone deserves that type of dynamic. We could also look at Miss Taylor Swift going from a relationship of six years with someone who wouldn't commit to her and marry her according to her song, You're Losing Me. I don't know if any of you are Taylor Swift fans, but if you know the song, You're Losing Me, she says in it, I wouldn't want to marry me either. She was dating this guy for six years. And shortly after she meets Taylor,

Travis Kelsey, who apparently, well, from the looks of it, we don't really know people's relationship based off of the internet and social media and all that stuff. But from what it seems, it looks like she's in a way better position. She's in a way happier relationship. And they come off as soulmates, at least from everything I've seen and everything that's posted and the way they kiss each other on camera. I'm just like, okay, they're definitely soulmates. She's able to shine. He's able to shine. And they come together and make a beautiful partnership because...

They're at the same level in their careers where they could support each other, be there for each other. That's just a celebrity couple and obviously like a more public type of relationship that we can look at as a reference. But there are so many situations like this where we hear about people being in really toxic dynamics and then breaking out of it and setting themselves free and attracting the loves of their lives because they allowed themselves to heal.

heal and they allowed themselves and gave themselves the permission to attract that love and say, you know what, this is what I actually deserve. I don't deserve to be treated like I don't matter. I don't deserve to be treated any less than incredible. And once you give yourself that permission and you really believe that, that's when everything starts to change and shift and that's when you can allow in

true healthy love. There are a lot of ways to attract healthy relationships and love and just abundance in general in your life. If you're not looking for a relationship or you're not even really in a place to date anyone right now, that's okay. But at the end of the day, you deserve happiness, you deserve abundance, and you deserve your life to feel good every single day. And

One method that I love that's a part of my Dare to Detach Masterclass is the golden bubble method, where you're envisioning a golden bubble around you, protecting you at all costs, no matter what the situation is. And you walk around envisioning yourself in this golden light, in this golden energy, and you truly envision yourself just attracting all of the most beautiful things and repelling anything that's toxic.

This is also a really good method when you have someone in your life that's toxic that you have to be around. I know some people work with their ex. I know some people have to see their ex every day or you co-parent, whatever it is. And the best thing you could do is visualization and practice.

visualizing this golden orb around you, protecting your peace. And even if someone's yelling at you, it's just repelling all of that sound and that noisy energy. And you're like, you know what? This isn't affecting me. I'm not going to let you infiltrate into my bubble of peace. And I call this the golden bubble method because...

I had a therapist who actually recommended this method to me where they were like, you need to just protect yourself at all costs. Even if you have to interact with someone that's toxic, envisioning yourself in a golden light, I promise you will shift the energy and other people will sense that you're not allowing their energy into your space.

And I find that this really works. And this has also worked for me when I was going through a time where I was scared to walk around alone at night in New York City because I had an incident happen to me a while ago. And my therapist had told me like, you need to envision yourself being divinely protected and trust that your angels or whatever higher power you choose is protecting you and divinely there for you and guiding you. And I was like, okay, that makes me feel a lot better. And I feel like it actually has worked because ever since then,

I haven't had any more issues. So...

that's one thing you could do and try the other thing is just working on your self-concept by meditating by taking care of your physical health by just doing small things to make yourself feel good every day and to repeat affirmations i am amazing i am confident i deserve healthy love i deserve a soulmate i deserve my soulmate i deserve that type of love and that energy in my life i deserve good people around me i deserve to be treated with love and respect when

When you keep telling yourself these things on a consistent daily basis, your brain will start to believe it. But you have to be consistent with it. You have to commit to it. You can't just say it once and not really believe it and then move on and be like, oh, it's not working. You have to commit to this. You have to tell your brain every single day that you are attracting amazing experiences. You're attracting abundance. You deserve the best. You deserve an amazing partner who treats you like gold because...

Keep in mind that your brain is so powerful and what you feed it on a daily basis really matters. So just be cognizant of what you're feeding your brain every single day. If you're on TikTok and you're watching videos of girls saying, I was cheated on and all men suck and there's no hope in the world, and you're feeding your brain content like that, that's what you're going to get.

and I make it a point not to scroll and consume content like that. I actually got interviewed for a dating show. And the girl that was interviewing me was like,

Do you find that dating sucks in this generation and dating's the worst and fuck men and all this stuff? Do you believe that? And I was like, no, I don't believe that at all. I don't believe dating sucks. First of all, I love going on dates and meeting new people and I just love being in love. I love being in a relationship and I love men and I have nothing wrong with men as long as they're treating me right. I really don't. And

I think that was, like, not the answer she wanted to hear because dating shows, they want the drama. They want the toxic...

words and energy. I don't know because maybe it's more entertaining. But I feel like we're shifting into this new dimension just globally everywhere. I'm seeing more and more people come out and say, you know what? It's all about perspective. It's all about shifting your mindset. And I truly believe that. You just have to shift your mindset around dating and attracting love. And you have to stay positive. Staying positive is so important. You have to truly believe that you will manifest your soulmate

and that you do deserve healthy love. And once you really fundamentally believe that, I promise you, you will attract it. The other way you can attract new healthy relationships is...

By forgiving yourself for the past, you can't beat yourself up for your past decisions to stay with toxic people or to tolerate toxic behavior. You got to let that shit go. And that's also why I created my masterclass because a lot of it is tied into forgiving yourself and letting go. And there's a lot of meditations around cutting cords and cutting energetic ties with people.

And just moving on and forgiving yourself for your past mistakes because that is a huge part of clearing out all that resistance that might be keeping you stuck. And once you truly forgive yourself for the past and you move on and you focus solely on your future and creating a better life for yourself, that's when the magic starts to happen.

The last thing I want to mention is feeling things into existence. You have to feel as if you have that person already by your side. You have to feel like you have your soulmate by your side already. You have to feel like they exist already. And that's why I have this love letter method. I have a podcast episode about this. You could search love letter method where you're writing a letter to

to the love of your life as if they're already a part of your life. And it's a beautiful manifestation exercise and it's a good way to get in the headspace of this person is already a part of your life. Last time I did this letter method, that's when I met my last boyfriend and I had wrote out a card that described him to a T. It was so accurate. It was scary accurate. And I gave that card to him on his birthday a few months into dating and

And I had wrote that card before I met him. And I was like, this card applies so perfectly to you. I wrote this before we started dating. I manifested you. Happy birthday. He was like, holy shit, this is fucking crazy. And yeah, he probably still has it somewhere. Because I remember he was also so mind blown that I had wrote that card before I met him. And he almost didn't believe me. And I remember he was like, oh my God, this is insane. I'm keeping this forever. And

And it was just such a cool thing. So I highly recommend you go check out that episode also, because if you're looking to manifest someone now, it's a really cool manifestation exercise. But

On a daily basis, just feeling it into existence. How would you act? How would you feel? How would you wake up every day if you were already in a relationship with the love of your life? Would you be waking up crying because you feel lonely and depressed? No, you would be excited. You would be happy. You would be fulfilled and at peace because you're like, I have the love of my life right next to me.

And once you feel that feeling without that person, that's when they come in. And that concludes today's episode. Thank you so much as always for listening to Date Yourself Instead. Be sure to check out the masterclass Dare to Detach. The link is in the show notes or on Instagram at Date Yourself Instead. You can use the code selflove for $20 off the program. Cannot wait to see you there. Also be sure to rate the podcast on Apple and Spotify. It really helps the show grow.

Share it with a friend. I love you. Thank you as always for listening and stay tuned for next Monday.