Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
One of the easiest and most important decisions I make every day is securing my home with SimpliSafe. Whether I'm out on tour or just home with a movie, I feel better knowing my home is protected so I can focus on what I've got to get done knowing SimpliSafe has my back in a crisis. I travel a lot.
But since I use SimpliSafe, which I'm also getting put on my mother's home, I don't have to think about if someone strange is lurking around my house, looking into windows, being goofy, etc.,
SimpliSafe has active guard outdoor protection that helps prevent break-ins before they happen. There's no long-term contracts or cancellation fees. Monitoring plans start affordably at around a dollar a day. 60-day satisfaction guarantee or your money back. That's what SimpliSafe is offering.
Visit simply safe S I M P L I S A F E.com slash Theo to claim 50% off a new system with a professional monitoring plan and get your first month free. That's simply safe.com slash Theo. There's no safe like simply safe right here. We've got some new, new tour dates to tell you about.
I'll be in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on July the 9th. Rochester, New York on July the 10th. And Detroit, Michigan on July 11th and 12th at the Fox Theater. As well, we have shows upcoming in Miami, Cedar Rapids, St. Paul, Fargo, Rapid City.
Winnipeg, and Calgary. You can get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R. Thank you so much for the support. Today's guest is a legendary comedian and actor. He's a friend of mine. He's probably my closest friend in Hollywood. I'll say that. We're out of that area, you know.
I just feel blessed to know him. He's got a new special, Dandelion, streaming now on Prime Video. You know his classic movies, Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Joe Dirt. This guy's got a big heart, I'll tell you that, and one of the biggest senses of humor that exists. I'm happy to welcome back today's guest, Mr. David Spade. ♪ Shine and I will ♪
I've been singing all the time.
You haven't seen that? Waiting on Gal Gadot? Oh, I would wait on her. No, it's a book. Waiting on Gadot, that one? It's a book that her assistant wrote. There's one called Waiting on... Is that true? That's a good one, if it is. You know what's a good one? Waiting on...
Sorry, Waiting on Who? That's Rachel Zegler. Oh, Waiting on Who. That's what her – that's what her – that's what the head of Disney wrote, that book. Waiting on Rachel Zegler. Dude, well, what happened? They didn't put – what happened with that whole thing? They didn't put little people in it, right, first? Is that what happened? Oh, in Snow White? Yeah. Snow White, I think the problem was –
I don't think there's any problem with casting her. Gal Gadot is gorgeous. She's a good wicked queen. I think they started with the dwarfs and they made them – I don't know what happened. Dwarfs should – I think the idea was they should work. Like –
Right. Little people should have the ability. There's seven jobs out of the 10 a year. So let's give them these seven. And then I don't think – I would leave it up to them. Do you guys want to work? I sound like it's so horrible. You guys – I mean, listen. There's a lot that work. People say Peter Dinklage, but they can't name 10 more that are –
That work a lot. So hell, leave it up to them. Well, yeah. Well, I think they also – I think it got pretty DEI here too, which is fine. But it's like if they were white – like –
Is the first one, is that, that's not Dave Grohl. Yeah. Is it his first guy? Yeah. I mean, I think his wife lets him. He hasn't been doing well. He's standing all, yeah. Wife kicked him out. It's rude. And first of all, that's Friar Tuck, who they obviously just repurposed from Robin Hood. So that's not cool. Oh, right. And so they just, this is their new version. It's the exact. And who is that? That's like 49ers quarterback. That's. Yeah.
throws a park, that guy, what's his name? JJ Walker is close to the back. David, can you pull your mic up closer? Closer than this? That's what guys say when they put their wiener in my face. Can you go a little closer? I go, why? What are we doing? This isn't a blowjob. They go, no, no, no. Just try to touch the back of your throat with it. I go, but that sounds like it's heading towards a beach. Oh, is he talking about Kaepernick?
Yeah, there's your boy right there. And who's the last guy at the end of the line? That is... That guy? No. That's Grohl. Yeah, that's Grohl. There's a guy in the back. Yeah, the guy in the back. That's a woman. No, that isn't. It could be. That guy's just a homeless dude that walked on the set. Yeah, dude's just like, temporarily laid out. They really got effed on Snow White, though. That is, it did not work in any way, shape, or form. It's not cool, and I guess people didn't like it.
Then Minecraft came along and beat the fucking shit out of it. Well, so Snow White, it should be about the fentanyl problem, huh? I think. China White was. Yeah, that's what it should be. I was around for China White when I was a kid. Like that was the – I was so lucky because you used to do a little sniffy jiffy. It is fun. Yeah.
There are negatives, but we always start with the positives, especially about that. If I could afford more when I was parking cars and being a busboy, I would have definitely gone crazy. I could not, thank God. I could do a quarter gram in a weekend, and I could only afford 25 bucks. That was it. Even that wasn't money well spent, but don't get all excited. You're getting a boner. It is exciting. I mean, talking about it, doing it, it was fun. It was hard to just –
quit it but it's just I just watch and you go no way to have a career there's no way to have anything good with all this pressure and shit you gotta do and people like to rat you out and people like to say this guy you know he's a little fucking dish dish yeah little power flower now and then so if they start getting that word out there I luckily never got that word I didn't do any of the whole SNL and that's the funniest part is that I did dabble a little bit before that just because I was in fucking showbiz and you're from Arizona you're from Scottsdale yeah
Snot still. Yeah. Well, it doesn't mean – it wasn't really the cocaine capital of the world. But I was in the comedy biz and a couple of guys had it and I was like – I would partake just for fun. Yeah. Obviously. And then – Oh, yeah, brother. But one time I did a lot and I was like – Yeah. I feel like I should go to the hospital. Yeah. You know? I keep saying. And you'll walk over there. That's the craziest is – No, I fucking sprinted. Yeah.
No, because the funny thing is you just turn into JonBenet. One bump and I'm like, oh, I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy and I'm feeling great. And then I made my friend drive me and I got there and he's like – and it was freezing and I was shaking and tight.
And he goes, you got to go in there. And he goes, but they're going to ask. Because I didn't stand up for about a year. Right. And they go, they're going to ask. And they're going to have to call the police. I go, no, no, no. Extra scared. And he cranks the heater on in the car. And I'm starting to fucking sweat. But this is a good friend because he was there with me for three hours. He goes, you should go in there in a second. But just tell me more. And I was calming down. This was the trick. I didn't know this. And my heart was going from like 3,000 over 2,000 to like started to get –
Back to normal and then it got light out. And then I go, let's go home. So gross. And then I go, I'll never do it again. Four days later, hey, dude. Yeah? I'm fucking janking. What a great guy. There's me and they make me jump. Oh, yeah.
Jon Van Nye, brother. Dude, it's funny. That's beautiful. In those days, first of all, because it reminded me of my old car because this place is out in the middle of nowhere next to some junkyard. Yeah.
where we're shooting. This is a nice area. I mean, it's a nice area if you have no money. So I used to go to this junkyard and go to pick a part. You know what that is? Where they have all the cars out there. And you go looking for what you need. And you get a part for your own car. No one thinks this ultra pussy did that. I'd go out there when they got him a socket wrench looking for a Subaru brat handle. You know, they go, go out there.
And that's how all that Joe Dirt stuff started because I'm like, I did that, get an alternator, put it in my Volvo, put it in wrong, and just live that gross life. And it's 110 degrees out there and you're burning your hands. I remember my old Volvo was a 62 and I – it looked like a planter. I should have shaved the top off, filled it with dirt, and I would take –
If I ever had a date, which is rare, it was leaking a quart of oil a day. So for those of you at home that don't know, that's a lot. And I had to buy a quart, I mean like a box of Pennzoil. And then every day at some point I had to put a quart in. And if you ever had a date, it was so embarrassing because at some point I had to have them put a quart in, you know?
And I had to explain how to do it. And I had to sit in the front seat and go, no, you got to poke the hole. And then you got to poke one of the other side. Well, that was like the original Viagra, I think was like, you'd have to pull your carver and put a quart of oil in it, you know? Yeah. But the rev of the engine, we keep everybody. I'm sorry. Yeah. Maybe. It would keep you sexually possible, you know? But then now it's like, dude, just you have people literally drinking oil and blue chews or whatever at the same. It's like, it's.
it's all on the responsibility of the man. There's a new problem where it's like, I don't want this guy screaming at me. Again, the microphone's too far away from my mug. So there's a new problem with a lot of people on medication. And when I grew up, I don't think anyone was. Now, did we have autism? Did we have ADD? People thought you're weird. That's all. Or just different. And then now people are on uppers, downers. So there's
And some boners go away. That's what I'm hearing. So that's why blue chew and boner pills are everywhere and they're for younger people, not just people. Oh, you'll see. You can't even get a kid's diaper off because he's all winged up. He's rotted up. Yeah. Fucking rock hard. Winged up. Is that one? I mean, I don't know what these – Fucking sundial in there. Yeah.
I like, no picture, no picture for that. Sometimes like you'll go to the dad, you'll be like that. Yeah, good job, dude. But nothing crazy. And they're not big. It's nothing you can keep a spare key on or anything. You can hang your coat. No, no, I know. Baby boners are really, I feel like when I go to the gas station and they always have like those sort of fake ones right there. Oh yeah, like rhinoceros, two billion, huh? Impulse buy and I go,
I don't know. I'm getting my stuff. Here's my pretzels. And they're like, hey, Rod for the road. I'm like, why not? I mean, I'm going to Irvine. It's a long drive. Who wants a boner to drive around? Anyway, I don't know if that's what they're for. Yeah, I don't get them. I don't get a lot of like man-made boners or whatever they're called anymore. I get mine. Yeah, there's some Power Zen boners.
vicious pussy serpent. Extreme rod. Yeah. Actually, this is kind of merged with like the fireworks circuit. I think these things and fireworks are so close to being just compatible. Yeah. Dude, I heard a story that you, that we had, we just had a bus driver when we were doing touring for standup. Yeah. And he was,
Either he or his brother had driven you. And one time you stopped at a firework stand and went in and did your Joe Dirt bit. Is that true? Well, I think we had the same driver because I think he texted me and said, I got Theo now. But I was, I don't do a lot of bus tours. And we were, I think in Kentucky, it was perfecto for Joe Dirt. And so, so many people were saying, were knowing me from Joe Dirt that I said, fuck, there are firework stands here. Like there were in Arizona when I,
grew up. And so I said, let's find one and pull over. I just want to go in and see what they have, you know? Yeah. See the new stuff. You got the good stuff? I did ask them if they got the good stuff. And then, so the funny part was we went in and it was sort of an older woman and two young guys.
And they knew me right away, but I did have a hat on in shades, but they knew it right away. And then they took me around and showed me all their ones. The Godfather. This one, you know, it's basically just, basically you get to a point where what North Korea has. Yeah. It's really, it gets very extreme. We, when I grew up, Black Cats, The Basics, M80s, Roman Candles were a hit. Yeah. And then Whistling, yeah.
Pussy chasers. That's what we called them in the movie. Then we had to switch it to kitty chaser. Oh, really? Is that true? Oh, yeah. Whistling bungles. Yeah. And now spleens flitters. Yeah. Me and Fred Wolf just made these up. Some sound real. And whisker biscuits. Those honky lighters are for sure. Yeah. Cherry bombs was real. Kicking, whistling bungles is fake. But we had quarter sticks, M80s. We'd go to Mexico and get quarter sticks and half sticks of dynamite.
Really? No supervision at all. Yeah. Yeah. That's when they have real dynamite. That's not fireworks anymore. No, it gets in a different area. Yeah. Like you should join a labor union. They're like, oh, they open your trunk. They go, I go, I've got fireworks. They're like, this is an AR-15. I go, I know fire comes out the front. It's very murky what you can describe as fireworks these days. Yeah. We had, I'm trying to think, the craziest were fire don't works. Like the ones where you'd light them up.
and it would just come out the other side or you would light them and then your stepdad would call your mom a whore and just drive off. You're like, how is this even connected? Oh, yeah, yeah. It was like, oh, is this a... Fireworks at Coachella misfires and hits area near crowd of people and sets tree on fire. Oh, I think this was part of MGK's outfit. This part of his outfit? Look at that shit. Dude, how bad did you fucking miss? You're just aiming for the air.
Oh, they should make the fireworks when you light them and then they only hit a pedophile when they take off. Yeah, pedophile chasers. Yeah, and just light them up in DC. This looks like the inside of the Minecraft movie when they bring the chicken jockey out. Have you seen that? People light fireworks in there now. There's a part of the movie-
That something happens and everyone used to throw popcorn at the screen and now they've gone – now they get in fights and they light up firecrackers and it goes bananas. So they have to stop the movie now. Is it like – kind of like Rocky Horror Picture Show? A little bit worse because they were contained and they – OK. Something is going to go wrong. Is this Terry? This is like – Is this Back It Up Terry? Let's see it. Are we allowed to show this? It's the darker side of fireworks here. Yeah, yeah.
I don't know if this is the guy that should be lighting him and running. He should sort of be kicking back about 100 feet away. Yeah, yeah, this is crazy, dude. These guys do not look like professionals for sure. They don't even know where to light it. This is this guy's Make-A-Wish Foundation. I want to light fireworks. Get out of there, Terry. No one helps him. Help him. I'm like, what are you doing, Terry? Help fucking Terry.
He's blinded. He can't see the goddamn control panel. God. It's so funny. I cannot stand to watch people that just film things and never get involved. They laugh their fucking ass off no matter what. Did you see the guy who fell in the water the other day? No.
Bring up that guy who they paid – they earned him like $300 or $400 to get into the water of like a flash flood basically. I'm sure he's dead. It was a beautiful young man. I don't know how he's doing. See if you can find that, dude. Yeah, while we're doing that. The craziest was like – the saddest was we had a guy by us, a dad, and he was like –
Just like barely a day. He was like kind of like a whimsical kind of dad. Like wish he'd never probably been married to a – and I'm going to say this fast so I don't sound like sexist or anything – woman, you know? Yeah.
And he would only get his kids smoke bombs. So they would light like a million smoke bombs, but they're cool, but they would have nothing. And they would do so many. It would look like that Indian holiday or whatever, you know, the one where like suddenly you see this bunch of Indian people crossing the street who looked like they got attacked by like an Easter, um, like a Easter chalkboard or something, you know, like,
You don't talk about it. Like they clap. Yes, like somebody just emptied. Or LeBron at the Laker game goes like that. Yeah, like it was Easter Sunday and LeBron was just firing off right in front of him. Yeah, smoke bombs aren't as fun as they sound. You need more shit going on. Is this it? Oh, yeah, there's firecrafts in the Minecraft. See? In the movie theater? Look at my fucking story checks out. Wow.
Oh, my God. And who did this? Israel? Yeah, this is Gaza. This is crazy. Like we say Gaza, we laugh. It's so fucking uncool. It's so sad. It's a comedy show.
- Oh, it's hard if sometimes you got, hey, you know what a police officer told me one time? He said that they'll show up in a place with a bunch of murders and you'll see police officers stand outside laughing because it's a thing that happens to people when stuff's painful. - Yeah, it's so serious. - He says they do it. - Well, that's what comedians do. It's too heavy duty. - Dude, well, the reason we brought you here is because you have a comedy special coming out, man. - Oh yeah, that's right. - That's not true. First of all, thank you for coming, dude. - No, of course. - I appreciate it. You look great, dude. - I love seeing you. Thank you, dude. - You've been drinking tomato juice or something?
Remember when V8 was the only healthy thing? I don't think there's one tomato in V8. I don't know what's in it. They were like, this is a fucking shit when you were growing up. Oh, dude, yeah. And rich guys would pour it in their engine or whatever as well. And some people would pour it in their butt. Yeah, some like really rich guys would pour it in their butt. I had V8. It was never – I never liked it.
It was tomato juice and I think vegetable juice. But like who drank it? I think like a mom would drink it if they were healthy or they were trying to make a baby or whatever. It didn't get around my squad, but I know that I heard about it and I was grossed out by it. You know, what's funny is I was just in Las Vegas. Oh, you know, we went to a fight. I was going to tell you this. We went to a UFC fight, right?
Theo and I went to a fight about a year or so ago. You know when I called you to go to this fight? I thought it was in Vegas, and it was in Florida. And then you had a gig that night anyway. That would have been a great card. You, me, and also your... Jody. Jody. And also...
The comedian, famous comedian. Oh, Dennis. And Dennis Miller all the way one time. That was hilarious. So do you remember this story? Did I already tell you this? You know it, obviously. So this time, I just did a corporate yesterday at Vegas. So I'm staying at the area.
Aria short for named after Ariana Grande. I don't, I don't know. And so I'm over there and it's connected to the hotel we were at. Yeah. And the day we went to the show, the, you like to go early to the fights as you know, because you go help set up the chairs and armor all the ropes and you go in because the fight started like fucking one. I'm like, we just landed. And you're like, you want to go there? You want to go to the hotel first? I'm like, well, I think it's at seven.
And you're like – and you're being so nice going, oh, you want to go – you want to wait until 7? And I'm like, yeah, because that's the good ones start. They're on TV and it's still three hours. And for Spade to sit for three hours is fucking rough with these brittle fucking bones. So you're like, cool, cool. We'll go at 7. And I didn't know that you wanted to go really bad earlier. So we're eating and I'm like, this spaghetti is good. You're like, let's fucking go. So –
I have a car taking us. It's like a black Suburban, right? Yeah. Nice. AC in it. We go out front. He's not there. It's so weird because they always get there early. And you're like, well, we got to go. It's quarter to seven and we got to be there at seven.
And we're next to the arena and I'm like, fuck, where's this guy? And then he hits me up and goes, hey dude, you go, let's get an Uber. And I go, well, give him a second. And then I go, he goes, oh, I spaced. I'm sending another car. It'll be there in a second. I go, we're in a hurry. He goes, it's very close. So this, and I see you're janking. First I've seen you kind of get mad. Yeah. Cause I was getting mad too. Cause I'm like, fuck, what is, where's this guy? And plus we're stressed. So,
The suburban pulls up. We jump in. And the guy goes, okay, where are you going to? And he goes, you deal? And you're like, yeah. And I'm like, hmm. And then I go, this is my driver. And then I look down and we start- It was international fight week. Yeah, it was. This is good. This is how he sounds. This actually sounds like him. It's nothing bad. So-
And then the driver texts me and goes, hey, did you just pull out? I just saw you. And I go, wait, is this not the car? And I go, Theo, what is this? And you go, I called an Uber, dude. It's taking too long. I go, okay. So we go. And now I go, and the funny part was I go, hey, dude, all right. If you're going to this T-Mobile, we got to go in the loading dock. That's where we have to get our tickets and enter. And he goes, okay.
oh no, that's only for VIP special. And I go, right. And then he goes, you want VIP special? Yeah, and we go, no. And he goes, oh, you have to be special. And I go, oh, we're special. And he goes, no, no, that's for special people. And I'm like, I get it. And then Theo goes, no, he's special. He does movies and stuff. And he looks back and he goes,
No, he's no special. Why do you know I'm no special? You fuck. So he wouldn't take us. So then you just go, let's just get out. Yeah. So we just got out in the street and we saw a door and then they go, oh, you. Wrong door. Yeah, you got to go to loading. This is for animals and like lighting. For all of Noah's Ark's animals. And so they go, so we're trying to get a hold of everyone. And they go, you're not at the special door. I know this fucking guy wouldn't believe it.
So we had to find a way to get either all the way to the other side or cut through. They finally sent someone to get us. But it was quite humiliating. The guy didn't believe for a second we were special. Not at all. I even showed him a video of yours from one of your movies. And he laughed. That's funny. And he's like, oh, it kind of looked like him, but not him. UFC 315 will be on the TV. The snacks and the beverages will be ready to go.
The best way to make that one-two combo even better is by trying to win some real cash with pick six from DraftKings, the official daily fantasy sports partner of UFC.
With DraftKings Pick 6, playing for cash is as easy as stepping into an octagon. Pick 6 is available in most states, including Missouri, California, Texas, Georgia, and more. Some of my picks for UFC 315, I'm going to go with Mike Malott, and they're putting 31.5 significant strikes. I'm going to go more than that. That's something that I'm riding on. As well, they got Bilal Bully B. Muhammad out there.
against Jack Della Maddalena. You can make your picks there with DraftKings Pick 6. Don't settle for a smaller payout. Switch to Pick 6 and cash in your UFC knowledge. Play $5, get $50 in bonus picks instantly on your first entry. Pick 6 from DraftKings is the most fun way to play fantasy sports.
Download the DraftKings Pick 6 app now and use code Theo. That's code T-H-E-O for new customers to play $5, get $50 in bonus picks, buy
Better payouts, bigger wins, only with Pick 6 from DraftKings. The crown is yours.
Bonus awarded as non-withdrawable Pick 6 credits that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash promos. Yeah, recently I was paying for something, butcher bargain, or I don't know what it was, something. Just a monthly meat deal where they sending you meat. And I didn't know I was still paying for it. And it was at my old address. So somebody over there is just eating my bacon.
Somebody over there is just slurping up on my sirloin cuts that I was paying for. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions. That's amazing.
saving members up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. Wow. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Download the Rocket Money app and enter our show name this past weekend with Theo Vaughn in the survey so they know I sent you. Don't wait. Download the Rocket Money app today and tell them you heard about them from our show.
I want to let you know there's a growing expense eating into your company's profits. It's your cloud computing bill. You may have gotten a deal to start, but now the spend is sky high and increasing every year. What if you could cut your cloud bill in half and improve performance at the same time? Well, if you act by May 31st, Oracle Cloud Infrastructure can help you do just that.
OCI is the next generation cloud designed for every workload where you can run any application, including any AI projects, faster and more securely for less. In fact, Oracle has a special promotion where you can cut your cloud bill in half when you switch to OCI.
The savings are real. On average, OCI costs 50% less for compute, 70% less for storage, and 80% less for networking.
Join Modal, Skydance Animation, and today's innovative AI tech companies who upgraded to OCI, Oracle Cloud Infrastructure, and saved. Offer only for U.S. customers with a minimum financial commitment. See if you qualify for half off at oracle.com slash T-H-E-O. That's oracle.com slash Theo. You know what's funny is I wish we could share that little clip that you have.
of the movie we could if we want I don't think we can because can we air it because of the music or not I don't know oh it's a good point you know I don't know ask those fucking clowns in there did they take off we could show it on silent if we want do um it's good with the song anyway that's all
Because you show that clip in your show, right? Yeah, we showed it during the halftime or towards the end of the show. Yeah, my friend was in Tallahassee. They hit me up. They go, oh my God, this fucking clip just played. It's great. Did they really? They were excited. Oh, that's awesome. They were at your show. Oh, that's cool. It's been well-received by people. Just people getting to see the – It's a good little window into it. See the trailer for Busboys. Yeah, I'm trying to think. What do you think is the toughest part now having kind of put a movie together from the beginning? What do you think is kind of one of the toughest parts?
I mean, it's tough all the way along the way because we're just doing it alone. Usually we work for a boss, Paramount, Sony, Netflix. They tell us what to do and we kind of just – we're on our own. But we also know there's someone else calling some shots, the bigger shots, budgetary things, this and that, casting, we have to agree on.
So I rarely – I've never gone into it like this where it's just me and you and that's good. There's some tough part about it but it's overall the best because –
We put it up. We're going in. It's such a complicated process, so it's almost too much because usually there's someone to cover this and you can kind of oversee it. But to get into everything about pre-production and budget and casting and locations and all the union stuff, we got to know. That's where it gets hard. And now we've gotten through the hard part. We got it. We shot it through the fires, through all the stuff. Very tough. Very tough to get through a movie and then –
There were so many things that were tough. I always say after a movie, I'm not doing this again. It's too hard and everyone thinks I'm a huge pussy. But it's more – it's mentally tough. It's hard. You got to memorize stuff. You're driving all day. You're getting out there dark. And it's such a luxury to do a movie that you can't complain to anyone. I can complain to you. But we're in it together. So we get it. But – and you can tell other people in movies. But regular people go –
You know, they actually bust their ass. Right. So we're like pretending to be people that work hard. That's us in a movie. That's hilarious. So we're bus boys. So anyway. Yeah, they give you just long enough to polish the gun that you have in your trailer. And then before you can use it on yourself, they're like, hey, we need you back on set. Yeah, it's always like, where are they? I'm walking with number two or here's number one. I go for a walk. They just follow me. You know, you walk around the trailer and you're like,
And you're always miked and you always, it's all, you know, and it's fucking freezing. I thought it'd be too hot. It's freezing. So anyway, we finish it and now it's rough cutted. And now the hard part is just getting it to a point where we think it's good and you're not wasting jokes. Yeah. Like a lot of things we did had like, Theo was very good on the set of, we're actually good together because we,
I think you're great. And if we have a scene and we do it, then we just start goofing around a couple before we leave, get a few extra jokes. And so which one of those do we use? It's very hard to, this is funny for one reason. This is funny for another. And the rest of your life, people will remember one joke and they'll never see the other three. And you go, fuck, did we pick the right one for that? That for,
For someone who's indecisive like me, and you are kind of too, that it's hard to do. And then you just got to pick one, lock it down. And then we will probably, I think our next step will show it to like 20, 30 people. Because you really get a feel for where there's a dead spot, where there's something that works. Yeah, you got to have honest friends look at it. Yeah, and I have friends. And friends are always going to start by saying they like it. But I haven't had fucking one person look at it yet. Same. I'm too scared. I am.
The director of all these movies, Pete Siegel, who's a great guy, he came by the set one day and he did Anger Management and The Longest Yard and 50 First Dates and Tommy Boy and all these movies. So he – I said, I might have you take a look at it because I just want you as an observer, objectively –
Where are we with this? And that's the only guy. But I do want to at some point when you get your fixes in and we get something we kind of like and then we show it. Yeah. And then that will tell us a lot. We'll be like, oh, my God, this is way funnier than we thought. They're laughing at this stuff instead of that laugh. I didn't see that coming like a cutaway. Yeah.
And then they go, oh, this feels flat. And some people might be confused. At the end, we go, where did you understand what this is? People are like, were you guys playing fucking bus boys? We're like, oh, boy, we're way off. Okay. You didn't get that part? No.
Because, you know, people don't know. They just watch it. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's the scariest part. I feel like it's trying to just like see before you show it, somebody is like, is what I think makes sense here make sense to other people? Right, because we know it. We're too close to it. Yeah, I think it gets weird. Even jokes where people go, I see one clip and they go, oh, that's great. I go, oh, it is? Because I've seen it 10 times. I don't know what's funny anymore. Yeah. You know, so it does take objectively, but it's so fucking stressful. Yeah.
What do you feel like was one of the funnest days that we had? That's a good question. It's funny because every day has an underlying stress level of knowing your lines, getting things done, losing the light. We got to get this. Is it right? Do we know what we're doing? Is it set up, blocking, all that shit? But I'm giving long answers that are boring. I thought it was fun –
When we were in the layer with the drugs. Yeah. That was kind of fun because there's a lot of people. When there's a lot of people, it's fun. Yeah. When there's a lot of people, it's fun. We kept having to go up and down that ladder like Ninja Turtles. Remember that? That was in like a condemned building that – I go – I guarantee you they should shut this down. Yeah. They had – there was like asbestos like art on the walls and everything. We had to write asbestos into the script because there was so much. It was like co-starring. Yeah.
And yeah, there was, we were underneath like a Sears building in downtown. And, uh, remember the alarm went off or the, the old heater went off in there and it just like, I think it was an old nuclear reactor or something, or, or it was a, uh, Amber alert. It made McMuffins. I know that. Yeah. We would go, I go, it's lunch. They,
They cleared us all out from the set. We shouldn't even tell them this. But anyway, I like that. We were on the desert a lot. It was kind of fun being out. And then we were in there doing busboy shit with Tim Dillon I thought was funny. Oh, yeah, he's fun. Yeah, that was great. Just getting to see him. He has a new special that just came out too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's great. You have a comedy special. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Coming up. Can you guys hear him okay? Sorry.
Yeah, it's great. Okay. David, can you put the mic behind you now? Would that help? You have a comedy special coming out. I do. I did a comedy special for Amazon and we did it in Denver. And it's interesting, you know, putting together a comedy special. You're on the road. And sometimes you want new stuff in there that's a little undercooked because it's new and different and you just started doing it. And then sometimes you want to –
And then you went to – and then most of the stuff is polished and buffed. So you got to – I did it probably an hour 20 and cut it down to just under an hour. Dang, big gunner, huh? Is this a clip or is that a photo? A little overshot. Play that clip a little. Is there a clip? I just want to see it. Let's see if there's anything clippable here. Oh, this is fucking funny. I feel it already. I was eight years old. I almost got kidnapped. I'll make it funny. It came out weird.
Blonde hair. Looked like exactly Macaulay Culkin. And I was kind of tan. I was like shorts. I mean, it was almost entrapment. I'm a bit of a dandelion. I don't know if you can tell. I look tough on TV, but these quads are deceiving. Yeah, you're some guy you. Yeah, look at that action shot. Dandelion is because I'm such a fucking puss. And I couldn't think of a good name.
That's, oh no, you're great, dude. It looks great. You look very healthy in that. It reminds me of David Duchovny. Yeah. A little bit. And the guy from, that guy from, that guy, his partner on the TV show. What am I talking about? Shrek? No. What?
Go ahead. Who am I talking to? It's like, the guy's got all the kids. Tim, Tim the Toolman Taylor. That's him. You were looking for Al Borland? Al Borland. That's who I look like with that fucking shirt on. You look like Gal Borland, the dude that gets the gals. Shit, that's hysterical. That was not exactly what I was going for, and thank you for that insulting insult. Yeah.
But no, he seems like a good dude. I just don't. Actually, he looks better than me. Fuck, what am I saying? What the fuck, dude? Yeah, screw him. What's that, Playgirl magazine? Look at him. He's naked from the waist down with his dong out. Yeah. You don't get to see that anymore. You know, like when they tell you what to wear, I mean, they don't tell you, but they go, what are you going to wear? And of course, I'm not like a...
full girl going to the Oscars. So I go, I don't know. So it gets closer and they're like, show it so we can hold it up with the backdrop. I go, I don't give a shit, dude. So I get there and I have two outfits. I have this, outfits is already bad enough. I just said outfits. So I walk into the rack like Elton John. A Nordstrom rack? No, just a rack of clothes. Oh, yeah. From Nordstrom rack, yeah. So I go in there and I go, what about this? Then I go out there that day and they're like, do you still not know? And I go, I don't know. And then I wear the shirt.
And then I go, I'm going to put, so I just wore a shirt and a coat that I wasn't supposed to wear because, you know, and they go, you need a copy of that in case I go, you think I'm going to ruin this between shows? And they're like, yeah. So I fell for that last time. And then Nikki Glaser goes, I have some dress from like 1930. And I go,
Well, don't you have to have a double? She goes, fuck that. I'm not going to. And I go, yeah, what am I doing? Why am I taking fucking orders? Wasting money on extra clothes too. Yeah. And all of mine are like one of a kind. Oh, you can tell that's out there. One of a kind flannel shirt that you can have in any Google search in two seconds. But it was fun to do. I'm glad it's out. It's fun. You know, some of the jokes I still do because they're longer now. That's the funny thing is you do a joke and then it's,
It's a minute of your act and then now it's five minute chunk. I'm like, oh, but I did the beginning, but now it's so much longer. But I don't really care. I like a couple of things I've done before because they really work. And then I put in new stuff and then it's just always in rotation of-
I'll pull something from the old bag and then I'll have all this new shit. So whatever. Yeah. That's kind of how I feel about it too. Is that what you do? What do you do? Yeah. It's like there's some bits I do because I know people want to hear them and they're some people's favorites. And it's like, well, I want to make sure I get that in for a couple minutes. 100%. If it's a big show. Because, you know, it's never like you do some bit that works and it doesn't work. Like if it bombed and people are like, boo, like you did that before. It's not like that.
They still work. Yeah. Yeah, they want to see the new stuff too. And sometimes when I go to people, if I saw you, I'd be like – I remember the first time I saw you and stuff you were doing. I'd be like, oh, I hope he does this and this and this because those are like my fun ones. I want to tell someone and have them watch them. Yeah. And then sometimes I do that with comics and they don't do it and I go –
I go, because sometimes, you know, by the fifth special these people do, it's just too watered down. It's too hard to be that good in one year. It's too hard. You don't buff them out. You need to really work on it. Dude, that's, I don't think you have to. I mean, it's like, I've known a special, I'm thinking four years now. Yeah, you don't need it. If we do it this year, it'll be four years. But also I've been on the same tour for years, but it's like, there's so many places you can go. It's like, I don't mind going to a town that has 30,000 people in it. You know, it's like.
You cannot do it and probably have a family and stuff like that and have pets you own or semi-own. God owns them. As long as they have a 30,000-seat theater, then you can – But it's like – but if we can go over there, I think I'd rather do it. Yeah, you're printing money. Oh, David, that is not true. If I had your money, I'd throw mine away. Oh, dude, get out of here. You just bought a new car, didn't you? Yeah.
You bought a car lot. Yeah, dude. I got a car. Fuck yeah. You see me buzzing around. Did you just buy the original Joe Dirt car or no? I did not. It was 330 grand. I didn't know it would be that much. Was it really? Yeah, I went to an auction. Did you even look at, were you there on the auction? No, but the guy DMed me and he said, hey, do you want to buy the old Joe Dirt? I go, is it the fucking real one? Because I do like cars and I don't have enough room for them, but I have...
I'm into it. I'm like, I'm not going to drive the thing around. I'd like to have it just to have it. The director of Tommy Boy has a Tommy Boy car. And I'm like, those are fun to have. So I said, how much? And he goes, I'm deciding between three and 500 grand. I go, I'm sorry, what? The fucking shitty one at the beginning of Jotar? It didn't even have a Hemi in it. It was a fake pretend. It was like an old, you know, Vega. And we just put like, yeah, this thing.
Joe Dirt, 69, Charger Daytona. It's fucking cool, though. Is he selling it for $450? The 1969 Daytona presented here starred in the $60 million grossing hit comedy The Adventures of Joe Dirt. Fuck yeah. What does that say up there, $450? Can you read? Yeah, one of the funniest scenes depicts Joe Dirt at the impound lot, financially unstable to retrieve his Mint 67 Plymouth Hemi GTX convertible. He's buying the Charger Daytona instead. You bought it for $450 in the movie.
- Oh, $450? - In the movie, yeah. - Oh, I didn't see the movie. - Do we know the closing price on that? - Yeah, he hit me up for three to 500 grand. I go- - Can you live in it? - I was like, yeah. Is this an RV? - How many square feet is it?
Is it in a good neighborhood? No, I just said – I think I said something to the effect of get fucked. No, I was like, hey, man, I didn't know it would be like that. I don't know why. Because in the real world, you got to make a million to clear 350. So I'm like, I don't know if I'm making a million this week. So I just said no. Even though I said I'd really like it, I just – a little too rich for my blood right now. Mm-hmm.
Because I thought, what am I doing? I just got to park it. I can't really drive. It's fun to have. I'd rather honestly have it in my fucking living room. What a cool thing to have. Just walk in. Hey, this is the car from the movie. And so I didn't think he'd get close to that. It sold for $330. God. Yeah. To who? Probably an Asian guy? No, the guy had a Jotar tattoo on his chest. Oh. And he was a full fucking fan. So he hit me up, the guy that bought it.
And so now I've talked to him. And what do you guys talk about? I like these guys. We just talk about pop music. You're like, hey, go sit in and just turn it on for me. I want to hear it. No, I just go, I miss her, man. I miss her. Just put her on the phone. He's like, mail me some semen. And you're like, oh, I don't miss her that much. No, I do that. I'll do that. I'll do that once. Do you think, would you guys ever have done a Tommy Boy 2? Do you think you and Farley ever would have done it? I mean, Black Sheep was sort of the next summer and it was sort of,
the same type of movie we had we should have just kept it pete siegel and just done it again he couldn't he wasn't available it just would have kept track of like kind of how it was but i did like black sheep we had another movie that we were talking about at the very end and uh would have been great yeah i mean would i have liked to have like a run and gun buddy to goof around he would have been all over the place he would have been working with everybody i mean
Even at that point toward the end, because he's almost more famous now because everyone looks back. But when you're in it and he's just getting famous, but still all the big hosts that would come in would go right to him. So he could have worked with anybody, big directors, more drama. He would have done a lot of stuff with Adam. I mean, he loved Adam and always thought he was great. Sandler, you mean? Yeah, yeah. He was very tight with Adam. And I was just lucky to be in –
but he would have been out there doing everything. I remember when he was in Coneheads, we all were in Coneheads, even Adam was in Coneheads and Lauren, it was sort of an assignment. We all, he was just like, you're gonna play this. And he just had plucked everyone. There's probably 15 people in Messin' L on it and somehow still didn't work that well, but I loved being in it and he was in it and he had a pretty big part and he was funny. Look at him, there he is. - Oh, he looks so handsome. Did you get to keep the cone from that?
No, but you know what? That will barely fit up your butt. If you – she's really pretty, by the way. That was Michelle Burke. Is it? This is after they took a photo of Farley and they take it so strong that it blows his hair back or something. Yeah, that's funny as shit. But accurate. Yeah, so that was a blast. So I would say the answer is would have loved to keep doing stuff.
and just have him around to hang out with. Yeah, yeah. Obviously, have him be alive. But do you think that you would have been able to do a Tommy Boy 2? Yes. In all these scenarios, he's alive. You're like, it'd be great. No, if he's alive, you have to add that caveat. If you had to do Tommy Boy 2, what would the plot even have gone into, you think? Tommy Boy 2, Electric Boogaloo. You know, I was pitched a Tommy Boy 2, which was –
our kids are together and our kids are, but this is, I was pitched it two years ago and I'm like, I just can't find a scenario with no Farley. It's not, they used the whole movie, even if it has a good title, Tommy boys in the title, but it would be too much of a sellout. I can't imagine. I mean, no one could do that. Were they going to do it with CGR? Use one of his brothers to do it. You think? No, it was just like, it was his, it was our kids and it was about them. And then I was going to come help them on the road or something, but I go,
If, listen, there's the magic in the bottle was Chris. And so I had a good part. I had a lot of fun in it, but it was about Christopher. And so, you know, yeah. If we did another one back then, it would have been a blast. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder what it could have been about too. Wow. I don't know. I never even thought that far.
Break pads are so funny. There's endless jokes. I mean, that movie, that's what I always say is that if we pitched the Tommy Boy movie just like two guys selling break pads, it's just not enough to sell a movie. People wouldn't listen now. No, it's just not funny. Maybe menstrual pads you could have gone to.
That's not a bad idea. Yeah. That we go sell them. Stop the flow. Yeah. That's like things are getting out of hand. Maybe women's lib was getting crazy. Yeah. And then he dresses like one parking lot. He was like, okay, my mom, the crazy, some big woman comes. He goes, let me try it out. And then he's like, I've been having my period for 11 months straight. These are, these are trailer moments.
That actually would have been hilarious, David. These are cut scenes from our possible movie, yeah. Did you ever do a Farley impersonation or no? He did this a lot, you know? It's just funny. You get nervous, David.
And then he goes like this. Pulls on his hair when he's nervous. Like in the meeting with the host, he'd pull on the carpet. And everyone's just like – even like the host is like some Michael Keaton going, is this fucking dude okay? Because they didn't really know him yet. And he was so nervous about shit and always funny. But he would always try to make you laugh, always try to do anything, fall down at work, dance.
do anything oh fall on the piano just anything to get everyone to laugh because also he was taken care of he wasn't writing sketches so he just was tra la la around the office there's no stress because he's going to be in 18 things they're just everyone's going to write them in oh it's a good point and if you write them in like that's the big trick at snls you got to get someone to write for you
And I would get mad. I go, you don't write for me enough. They're like, what do you do? And I'm like, you're right. You just think I'm great. And then they go, wow. And I go, there's no proof. And I'm like, yeah. So you have to kind of do a joke on the officer. It's sort of thirsty, but do an impression or something. And someone goes, you should do something with that. And then where they go, oh, you can do that. Oh, we might put you in this because we need someone like that. But mostly I was like smart alecky stupid shit because I
That's the only thing they saw. And I wrote that Hollywood Minute where it was – I was making fun of everybody. And that kind of was a good hook for me. But it wasn't enough to be like super characters. That really wasn't my thing. I went with his brother to SNL. Remember that? Oh, that's right. You hit me up. I think you connected us maybe. I was like – John. Yeah, John. John, yeah. Johnny Farley. And I was like – And he hadn't been back, dude, since –
He hadn't been back since Chris was there. Did he hit you up to go there or did I tell you guys to go or were you just in New York? He took advantage of us, I think. But whatever. Oh, no, I think you said to me, hey, he's going to be there. Oh, yeah, I did. So tell him hello. But he hit you up to get him in there. Can you make a call, Davey? Yeah. Don't tell Jen. Yeah, he was in the wrong miss. We put him in that. He was in Benchwarmers. He's funny in that.
Was it fun there for you? You'd never been there, right? I'd never been. Yeah. What was it like? It was interesting to see what you, the place you guys had all been at and what kind of like. There's photos everywhere. Yeah. Just what it was like. Like, I think I pictured it more of like an old school type of dormitory vibe. But. But our offices were up high.
Oh, then maybe it was up there. We'd be there all week and then we'd just come down to the show. But you might have to host it one day. It was pretty interesting there. Would you be able to handle it? I don't know. It depends on who the musical guest is, I guess. Is that the whole thing? Yeah. What if it's fucking Jelly Pop, your buddy or whatever? Remember he – Oh, yeah. Jelly Roll? Yeah. He came over to us at Koi one time and said hi. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that?
Yeah, I'm trying to think of one. I said, hey, the bouncer's coming over. He wants to talk to you. Yeah. He walks over. Yeah, where are you at? Yeah.
Oh yeah. I was like, what motorcycle did this guy, this guy? Oh, did we park in front of you? He was nice, dude. He knew you from. Yeah. Him and bunny came over. I remember that. That was cool, dude. That was awesome. That was like, I think he was, he'd come out here to do Jimmy Kimmel or something. It was like one of his first times being out here. Right, right, right. And then we saw Luke Bryan at dinner. We see all your little goat roper buddies. Yeah, dude, that was fun. Yeah. He came over. That's when we used to have a good time. Yeah. What happened now?
Now we're just grinding on the movie every day going, oh. I know. Now we're just like, how do we fucking- Tra-la-la. Yeah, dude. That was fun, huh? I remember that. I was excited. Luke frickin' Bryan, remember that? We took a picture with him. He sat down with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fun. We're like, dude, we're supposed to come sit with you. Yeah. He had two bites of somebody's potatoes out. No, we have fun. We go to UFC and everyone knows. I remember before you even blew up-
So many people knew you at UFC. I was like, holy shit, man. These people know this clown. I don't know about that. There we are right there. Look, my hair is quite puffy that day. God, look how good. You look definitely like one of those rich people's dogs. I do. For sure, dude. For sure. Now I see why your mom has you come home a lot. She's like, I need this little cute puff right here in my lap. Dude, look at that. My fucking sweater pops. Don't even try to argue that. Solid choice. And there's Luke. Looks like he just...
Fucking Luke. That does look like me. I'm a bit of a lap dog. Yeah, you look like you spent time at NYU a little bit. I'll fucking gnaw on a snossage.
Shit, look at you, dirt. Oh, you're dumb. Just like, how did I even get here? What are we eating, fucking oysters or something? Oh my God. Jeez, what a bunch of idiots. Somebody ordered that little, when they put those little, the shrimp, they put them upstairs like they're about to commit suicide or whatever. That little, it's like a little,
shrimp rack or whatever. Yeah. Like the second story shrimp. They hide them all on the edge of like, they're trying to hide from it's like, bitch, we see you. They're all naked though. Look at those fucking shrimps. They charge you by the shrimps. You know, it's unreal in some places. It's six. That is the, that is the most expensive place. Cause I won't say the name, but the steak sauce was seven bucks each. You get a little thing like this of a one and it's like, dish, dish, dish, seven, seven, seven. And then the bread was 15.
I had filet. I had filet of sole, right? I go, oh. You had filet of what? Dude, don't you watch fishing shows? You had filet of? Sole. Sole? Oh, how rich. Can we pull it up, see if it's real? You're eating human spirit in there? No, filet of...
Yeah. That's rich. Oh, shocking. It checks out as a fish. Yeah, that's what it looks like. Anyway, it's kind of like carp. No, I don't know what it's like. So I get this and they go, do you want the catch of the day? And I know it's a rich place. I go, don't try to rat fuck me, dudes. I'm going to take this dog shit off the menu.
It says market price, but I go, fine. I get it. It's like leather. It's kind of gross, you know, but fine. 150 bucks. I go, I have never heard about fish being 150. $150? Yeah. And you get the head and the tail or they just give you the middle part? No, you should. That's crazy. But you come to my house and fucking clean my car. Yeah. Dude, that's crazy. 150 bucks for one piece of fish? Unreal. Yeah. That would never fly in the Bible, dude. No. No.
No. What you do is they have the fish with their mouth, I guess. Yeah. And something like this. Oh, you're going to go to work for that 150. And the fish is like, fish is like, I got teeth. No, you do not. Nice try. Yeah. Somebody's getting a little bit of tartar sauce on the inside. Gobble that goo. Yeah. It's not in the Bible either. God.
The NBA 82 game grind is done and now the real fun begins. The NBA playoffs are here and DraftKings Sportsbook has you covered as an official sports betting partner of the NBA. Make it a playoff run to remember with DraftKings. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code FIELDGOAL. That's code FIELDGOAL for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets when you bet just five bucks only on DraftKings. The
The crown is yours.
You can have better sex with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. That's it.
That's how it is. And starting now, Blue Chew is offering a combo so strong it'll knock your socks off and your neighbor's socks off. Oh, everybody's barefoot. Blue Chew Max has arrived, and it combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable. This combo acts fast and lasts.
Guys, be ready when she needs it and get your first month of Blue Chew free. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at bluechew.com.
And we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of Blue Chew free when you use promo code Theo. Just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code T-H-E-O. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.
Mental health is, it's our new Vietnam, guys, really. It's right in front of us every day. It's just making sure you're okay. We're locked in. We're in a unique time where we're, I don't know if we're transitioning from humans to computers. I don't know what's going on. But you got to take care of the main frame that God gave you, your brain. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent study say they have avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment. Man.
Look, if I meet you, if I know you, you better be getting mental health support. You better be stay on top of your brain.
BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist from their diverse network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. We are all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash T-H-E-O to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Theo.
When you, um, yes. Whenever you pass away, remember to ask questions. I always watch this thing and I'm like, I can't remember shit to talk to people about it. First of all, I'm a BLM advocate. So I get a lot of this show. Oh, there's you on us now. They're like, ladies, gentlemen, BLM. And they're like, Oh, is that the musical group?
Is that you all happy? When were you that happy? Never. Fucking shit. Is that AI? Is that Tom Brady's teeth? Oh, my God. I'll rent out advertising space on those fucking chompers. Are those your teeth? No, they're AI. That's G-A-I, dude. That's horrible, bro. That's G-A-Y, yeah. The forearms are nice, though. I was about to say, your forearms look good, and they shaved you a little bit. God.
Your whole body's shaved. Well, it's going to be as soon as I get in shape. No, you look good there. Well, thanks. Why can't you look more like AI? Well. Well. Do you think whenever you die, where do you want your body, where do you want your ashes spread, do you think? Oh, I was just talking about this. No, I wasn't. What are you going to do with them? No, what do I do? You're kind of a trickster. No, I'm not going to do any tricks. Really? I don't want any weird stuff, yeah.
Let me get a couple grams of it. You want a little bit? Oh, if anybody needs money, I would let them sell them, you know, for whatever. Oh, that's cool. You could sell them here, part of your merch, if you want. I could have Harper. She could take them. But I don't know. It's too morbid. I can't even think about this stuff. I get scared. I want my – what if they had like spade shades and we put them into some beautiful, beautiful sunglasses? Okay. Okay.
I'm pretty agreeable to everything, yeah. Or how, like... Spades, shades. Yeah. Okay. And they're interior shades too, actually. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, now we're getting somewhere. Yeah. And was there a story about something...
Ashes. Oh, my God. Shot into a fucking schoolyard full of children. No, you should put it in a t-shirt gun. Yeah. And take it to some bayou horse shit, you know. Rodeo. Louisiana rodeo, yeah. Snake rodeo. Yeah. Snake rodeo. Is that like an orgy? That's what you call an orgy? No, wasn't there a story about some dog that ate someone's ashes or something? Was there anything else? There was some of the news that was happening about it. Some eating ashes. We got that? Did you hear that bullshit? Look at this.
Shit. Wait. Oh, my God. It's a Rolex. Anyway. Is that real? No, the joke is like I act like it's late. I go, oh, shit. It's a Rolex. And I go like this.
What time is it? Oh, wealth. Yeah. No, this is a real one, but it's the only one good thing I have. I did get robbed at my house. You shouldn't be flashing around. Me toddler ate me ashes. UK mom walked into an unthinkable situation when she found her one-year-old consuming her father's cremated remains. And she even has video of the mortifying situation. Aren't they? They're not good. They cannot taste good.
I don't know. I guess if you mix them with something. Vying. Oh my god. When your son eats your dad. Of course she films it. His ashes. My son has eaten my dad's ashes. He didn't have a lot. That's the whole fucking story. Dude, he only had a little bit. He only had like the forearm and... Yeah, dude. That's nothing. That's so grody. That lady's complaining. Also, the kid is a ginger too. Trouble. Yeah.
So something that you got to see coming, something that's on you. Also, the lady immediately sold it to TMZ. That's a great point. Yeah. She probably served them up. Everything's for sale nowadays, it seems like. What other news stories we got, guys? Anything popping off? Yeah, give us some shit before Spade fucking has to boogie. Spade looks pretty cool today. Spade looks healthy today. Is there a hair? It's okay. Here you go. Save it. No, you know what I do? Is if you weren't here.
I fucking light it on fire in front of the other ones. Yeah. And I say, this is what happens when you try to fucking make a break for it. Jump ship on me, motherfucker. And then it burns and it floats down. They all go, what the fuck? And I go, yeah, might want to stick around. You might want to see the final act. Yeah, because they've. It's hard to keep hair. No, no, it's ridiculous. And it's fucked up. And our bodies can only hold so much hair.
Tiffany, you have raging boners. What? I'm sorry. The guy, Brian Johnson, who's trying to live forever, he says that women also get their version of Morning Wood. Okay, listen, who's Brian Johnson? Let's take a look at him first. Is he the guy that tries to live forever? He's trying to be really old. Is that him? I'm not sure. He also sings for ACDC. That's Brian Johnson, too. That's a different one. Flying in bed, just like Brian Johnson did. There he is. Okay.
Oh, there he is. First of all, I thought this was Matt Reif. Is that his new special? It's his new cologne. Called fucking pig blood. What is this guy injecting in his wiener this week? I know that's the only thing. This guy takes a lot of pills straight up the wee-wee. Listen, I'm all for doing minimum two million worth of surgery on my face. Yeah.
But just to do a light dusting and cleanup, this guy's like every day. It's too much. And girls find that out. They don't want a dude that's spending their whole life to look six years younger. It's crazy. Yeah. You don't want somebody who's in there sandblasting their fucking clavicles in the morning. You can't even get any extra sleep. Fucking sanding their nuts. There's no wrinkles in them. Just fucking mew, mew. You got your wiener out in a belt sander. Mew, mew.
Yeah, this guy's- No rinks. Yes. He wrinkled. I mean, I get it. He wants to look. We all do. I'm falling apart. Someone put on my comments the other day, you got old fast, dude. Oh, thanks, you fuck. Oh, thanks. Fly to your house and beat you with a fucking rock dick. That's what I'm saying. I get really offended by the comments. I'm like this, whoosh, it's his comment. These people are losers. So I tell myself, the guy goes, no way, I'm a winner. And I go, fuck, he's a winner and he's doing this?
Look at Spade. That's a tough part. Whoa. That's me when I get all the surgery and you go, Spade, is that you? JonBenet Pico Gramsci, huh? Fucking look at those pecs though, dude. Dude, what the fuck? You better spend that money, David. Yeah.
Why does he got band-aids on his finger? What's wrong with this dude? And why has he got a half ounce of raspberry cum on him? Splurt. Oh, God. How many times has he got to jerk off to get that? Yeah, and can you wear the cheapest chain you have, fucking dude? Spending your money on the wrong shit.
Wow, is that a Neuralink necklace around his dick? Shave your chest, you fruitcake. God, that guy's been eating his own nipples off, I bet. Hey, you want some cherry fucking pie melted down? Hey, nips. Why would you push in on that? God, those bitches cuss. Dude, those bitches are hard-boiled. Those fucking window cutters. Tic-tac-toe. Dude, that's crazy. I don't know. How long would you want to be alive, you think? I don't. Be honest. Um...
I mean, I like it now. I'm a little beat up around the edges. I had a rough upbringing. But if you get in a sauna for two days, you'll be bounced right back. You think so? 100%. A sauna? Yeah. You would not let me in your sauna. Oh, it is a good point, huh? You didn't want to get in there. They had the ice bath too. I know. Okay, now here's this guy fighting back. That didn't get me going though. Oh, yeah, on the movie? Yeah. No, honestly, whatever it takes. I was telling you beforehand.
You're tougher than me, but movies are fucking tough. They're tough mentally. They're tough physically. And it's just a fucking grind. You have no life. You get up at dark. You go in. Every day is a problem. Like we don't have this. This car doesn't work. Remember the cars weren't starting. Dude, the cars, we had to push the cars into every shop. Every car we had, we're like, did you want it to start? I go, yeah, you have to drive it into the scene. Okay, you got to tell us this up front, guys. I go, I have to tell you a car should start.
Well, it was low budget, but it's still – I mean we make everything look as good as we can. Listen, Napoleon Dynamite was low budget. It's hilarious. So it's just about where you use the money. It's really just about me and you and just about being funny. So you don't need too much in the background. But it was like we got two brothers right here that will push it for like 80 bucks and we're like, what? We're like 60. OK. Yeah. I was like I don't care if they're related or not. I'm like –
We're like, well, we have two guys that aren't related that'll do it for 120. Oh, no. Bring the brothers back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how it was. We're like pushing cars into scenes. But I thought overall, super fun. Glad to do it and excited for the final product. Yeah, thanks for doing it, man. For sure. It was definitely really interesting to get to do. I can't even – it just – yeah, you learn so much stuff. You're like, Jesus. Well, I haven't really done a comedy teen movie since I think Black Sheep and that because –
It's like growing up, there's five of us. Wrong Missy was me and Lauren, and she was great. It wasn't even really a comedy. She was like all the jokes. I was just reacting, which is important, but it was sort of her thing. So it was fun to go back and forth and on the set when thinking of jokes and stuff. That's the fun part. Those are the fun parts of movies. Once we're in it and we're doing the scenes and laughing, then it's fun. The rest of it's tough. God, could I cry? I'm not crying about the movie. It's fun.
No, dude. I cry about everything. I cried about the drive here. I'm like – Yeah. We have to give a soft spot in your heart for everything. Yeah. For having to do stuff. Yeah. It's just definitely, man. It's life. We're being alive. No, dude. We're just talking about it. It's fucking life. Yeah, life. Everything isn't like – I think people don't think that everything is just complete magic or whatever. Right. I mean the bottom line is it's funny when you watch a movie. Any movie you see, you go –
You don't think about how long, how much shit it took. You just go funny or not. That's all. Especially when you start watching a movie and you're like, this movie fucking sucks. And then they're like, and then you don't even think you're like, these fucking idiots got together every day and made it. That even blows your fucking mind. They worked hard. This is some rewrite they loved. Yeah. Fucking bomb. Yeah. When I go to movies, I used to sit through everything because I love comedy. I love movies. And then about five years ago, I started to walk out of movies. It's very hard. I think attention span and everything where I'm like,
Or I kind of know where it's going and I'm like, if there's not enough tricks here, I got to go. Yeah. If there's not a good bit of fucking in them, I'm out. If nothing else, someone start fucking someone. Yeah. Or I'm fucking out. At the very least, dude, yeah. Minimum. Even if it's animals, I'll watch that. Listen, how am I watching that when I know I have stepbrother porn on my phone if I need it?
- Hey, yeah, dude. I don't need a DNA test to watch that. You know what I'm saying? - You know, in stepbrother porn, I'll tell you, and then I gotta get out of here. - Yeah, tell me about one of your favorite things about it. I have one more. Oh, is this a thing? - Oh, sperm racing. That's not, is that true? - Sperm racing, a new sport. That's KTLA 5, yeah. Sperm racing, a new sport is coming to Los Angeles. You read that right. A startup recently announced the launch of the world's first live sperm race. You'll be able to watch its inaugural edition. Ooh, fun. - Wait, does everyone get a microscope? - Right here in Los Angeles. Ah, I don't know. Let me see.
The startup known simply as Sperm Raising raised a million dollars in support of their efforts to put on the world's first sperm raise. I like that you read it so fast. I'm not even understanding. Male fertility is declining. So what happens? Let's say I'm in fifth grade. Okay. You get a boner.
I'm trying to explain to a fifth grader. Why would I? Well, son, hold your breath. Oh, look at the chart. That really helps me. So now if you're jerking off, you just tell your dad I'm staying competitive out here. Now you might be wondering how exactly a sperm race works. Well, the founders laid it out. First, a microscopic racetrack for the two sperm samples to compete on will be constructed. The course mimics reproductive system and includes chemical signals, fluid dynamics, and synchronized starts. Is this for the next Olympics? What are we doing? Thank God, dude. I love it.
I don't know because I'm tired of just jerking off and nobody wins. How about this? I'll get the fucking high jump and that's about it. Good dish. Okay. Flop it over. Yeah, no, I don't even whack off. Mine's more like, it looks like a couple guys just rolling out of a sleeping bag these days. I like the last scene of some dude in the scene. He goes, yeah, and then it's like, one CC like this.
The guy's like, oh, yeah, you missed a good batch. Oh, I'm thinking, dude, I'm working with an eyedropper these days. That's for sure. And the girl's like this. And I'm like, oh, there it is. No, sperm races. Yeah, let's look forward to that in 2028. Gavin Newsom, Olympics. First sperm to cross the finish line wins. That's pretty much it. One more news topic before you go, David. Yeah, the two guys that play lose. Yeah, dude, that's true. The two guys that play it.
I like on the side. What do you think? Last one, no opinion. Okay, GA, Georgia? Yeah, Georgia 9-11 caller here is dispatcher ordering McGriddle during emergency call. Oh, I hate this kind of stuff. I just hate when the lines get crossed or whatever. You ever do that?
What do you mean? Oh, like a party line? Oh, when I was a kid. Yeah, like when I was a kid or whatever. Party lines, yeah. You'd be talking to your friend and then it would cross over and you'd just have some big guy's voice. He's like, these f***s are going to die. You're like, who was that? Who was that? Yeah, yeah. Just a line. You've never even heard the voice before. Like the line would get crossed. And then you just have to have. Yeah. Yeah.
No, I want to hear more about the McGriddle. What about on Instagram when they show cars doing donuts and they always hit somebody? Oh, yeah. They go, street takeover. And everyone's like, yeah.
I'm like, God, everyone gets hit. You guys get at this point. These aren't professional. Get out the way. Yeah, get out the way. A 911 caller in Chatham County, Georgia, had a very hard time getting through to dispatchers when he thought someone was breaking in his home. Classic Chatham County problem. Get some good old breakfast. When he finally did get through, he said the dispatcher was ordering breakfast. My wife called me. Oh, we got a live report. Go ahead. Let's see it.
911 call from earlier this year after the dispatcher was ordering breakfast. Look at that statement. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
So the person getting the call... Here we go. I want to hear more from this horse. This is the bottom. Theo Vaughn fan.
That lady looks like your mom a little, Spade. She looks like a reptilian. Yeah, never mind. Your mom looks weird. No, my mom's hot. My mom got her knee replaced. Did she? Yeah, you haven't said shit about it. She might want you to call her. Oh, definitely, dude. She's so excited. Oh, where's the movie? That's what she said? Yeah. Oh, is it fun? It's going to be funny. I can tell.
It just sounds fun. She's very positive. Yeah, she's very positive. She is? Busboy sounds fun, yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, I was a busboy for, how long were you a busboy for? Probably two years. I was the worst. That's it? Dude, you told me you were a busboy for a long time. I was a dishwasher for a year. Then busboy, then busboy, then valet parker. No, I would be longer, except I got fired over and over. Dude, she does, that does look like the lady. Dude, your mom likes jade, so does my mom.
Oh, jade? Oh, that's turquoise. But she wears a lot of jade and she wears a lot of turquoise. Oh, yeah. Turquoise, dude. Desert jade. Yeah. No, she loves it. That sand jade, they call it, you know, in some circles. Look at me with makeup on. God. Does your mom have a good sense of humor? She's the best. Yeah. She's hysterical. My mom looks like Willie Nelson bringing up Pitch Rubber. Bring up real Willie. But she's awesome too. Absolutely. Does your mom like me? She loves you. Does she really? She would way rather have you.
Look at cute. Is that you in a bandana? There's my mom right there. Oh, where were you guys? Maybe I would have loved you. Maybe I didn't love you. What if she took off a mask and it was Bobby Lee the whole time? You were always. You were always. I love Elvis and Willie's great. My mom's favorite person is Willie. Favorite performer. You're lying. I swear to God. That's my mom's favorite dude. Look at him.
Look at him and look at my mom. She goes, oh, he's sexy. I don't care about the ringles. He is sexy. He's so good. Yeah. Talent. Oh, my mom says I like to climb up those braids and get into them. Your mom's got a side pony going. Yeah, she rocks it. Where are you guys? Which Waffle House is that? That's one of the, actually, that was ranked one of the top 600 Waffle Houses. She's like, you're so rich. Where are you taking me? You're like, oh, pulling a Waffle House. Oh, you want to go somewhere else? Beep, beep, beep. Yeah.
She's like, no, we can have the Buck 99 special. You're like, mom, I just feel like you're most comfortable here. Dude, she likes it. Ever since RFK Jr. cleaned up some of their feeding patterns over there. Do you have syrup? That was overheard. We're going to start using owl piss. Yeah.
Did you hear about the guy that tried to piss in his pool or something? No, some guy was leaving piss somewhere and they hit him with a hammer. What was that article I saw with that hammer, dude? I don't know if that's the whole story. What was that article I saw with the hammer, dude? Oh, my God. This is the last one. Ready? Lot of pee. Man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his...
Recycling bin. We should have started with this one. I like this one. Or why? It's a lot of pee. A man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin or why. Dude, it's Kappa Sig. That's who's doing it. Dude, I'll tell you. This guy also is on Instagram trying to fill his pool with piss himself. And it's been a year and it's not that much. And I can tell you it's going to take him longer. I figured out, Dane and I,
On our podcast, figured out if you try to piss to fill up the Grand Canyon, if every person did it once a day, it would take 800 years. Ooh. Isn't that crazy? It's not that long. That sounds like a lie, but it isn't that long, but the Grand Canyon is bigger than you think. Dude, remember when your parents left you at the Grand Canyon? Oh, no, I don't even bring that up. It's such a sore sub. Just glad to see when your mom happy again. By the way, you don't know maybe Joder's parents, they were maybe doing it as a favor for some reason. Hmm.
We haven't thought of that. TBD, dude. It's a little late to be thinking about the plot. Dude, the best thing was that we got to sing The Beatles. That was the best thing, I think. Where was that? Probably on Busboys, on the movie. We did? Yeah. What did we sing? Anytime. We got to sing it, remember? Oh, we'd sing... Abbey Road. Off camera. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking love The Beatles. Oh, I love The Beatles.
McCartney, the Vito. I love it all, man. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, I got to let you go. All right. I'm going to stick around for a little bit, but I'm going to let you take off. No, but thanks for having me. Miss you. Dandelion out now. Dandelion out. We're coming out in the next day or two. Check it out. Yep. May 6th. Amazon. And check it out.
smash that button, whatever you're supposed to do. I don't know. Hit that like and subscribe button. Yeah, whatever it is. You guys, one of the greats. Yeah. One of the funniest people I've ever met, man. I feel lucky to be able to know you and I really feel lucky that you came over today, man. Just thanks for making us laugh, dude. I love it, dude. You always crack me up and all right, guys. See you out there. Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone. Oh,
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this piece of my life found. I can kick my balls, but it's gonna take...