E561 Ari Shaffir
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I have some tour dates to tell you about. I'll be in East Lansing. I'll be in Victoria in the Canada. I'll be in College Station, Texas, Belton, Texas, Oxford, Mississippi, Tuscaloosa, Alabama, Nashville, Tennessee, baby.

and Winnipeg and the Canada and Calgary and the Canada. All those tickets are at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R. This is still the Return of the Rat Tour. I promise we'll end it one of these days when we've gone all the places that we can go. I'm very grateful that you guys continue to support us. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian. He's a podcaster. He's been an integral part of

of comedy for a long time. Bridges a lot of years and connections between other comics. He's certainly a type of glue.

in the humor world. His latest special, America's Sweetheart, is now on Netflix. You know his podcast, You Be Trippin', and he's currently on the Farewell Tour going now through the rest of the year. I'm always excited to spend time with him and catch up. Today's guest is Mr. Ari Shafir. And I will, I've been singing since the beginning. And I

Too much burrito. Did you? Ugh. I fucking have American serving sizes, and they hit you with not, like, chips and salsa first. You fill up on those. Yeah, some serving sizes are alarming. I can't tell if I'm... You know, there's an amount of serving size that you want to get, right? There's...

But then some places that give too much, you're like, oh, this is awesome of them. But then you start having it and you're like, oh, this is – I'm going to keep eating it. I'm a dog. And it's not good sometimes. They're just overloading you with badness. Yeah, shitty fries. We're like, there's no seasoning on this. And then I ate them all. I should have just been like, no, I'll get fries. I have fry money. I could go get more fries somewhere. Yeah, get some better fries. But I don't. They're right here right now. I'm going to eat them. Yeah, I want like two bites too many would be perfect. Okay. I'm done with like one or two extra bites and then that's it. Buddy, that –

that trump interview was so good i've never seen anything do it like that where it's like i mean this is why i'm reading it like i'm theo i'm like you're here for me not the other way around really you're gonna facilitate me being theo oh wow yeah yeah i don't know i just felt i had an exhausted week that week we'd had like a couple of interviews i think it was in in new york and in um nashville and so it was just like a lot of traveling i was like i do not want to do this today

You can relate to prep for it, but it was just like burnt out, you know? Yeah. But yeah, I think people, some people have said that they think it had an effect on the election and stuff. I don't really think that. I think it was like a neither here nor there. He was just sitting there like this for you. It's like when I go into bonfire with Jay and Dan. Yeah. I would just like, Oh, you guys have a routine here. I'll just sit back and get one tagline in, you know? Yeah. I wish we'd have gotten more time to get to, I wish I'd got more time to talk to Donald Trump because I thought it would have been just, I knew we only had about like 55 minutes.

So that's a unique amount of time. I hate when those big guys are like, we have this much time. And you're like, all right, I'll do that. Everybody else is like, let's just go until we're kind of done. Yeah. But it was interesting. We're going to need to wrap up. Oh, yeah. Fine. But I'm not forced to. Some guy in the back, some lady. I should have just been like, wave it off. But I didn't. I should have been like, you don't work for me. I don't work for you. I'm going to keep him here.

Yeah, I wish he'd have got – dude, I had a dream last night actually that I interviewed Tim Walls actually. He's the loser guy. He was the guy. Yeah, he was on the losing team and he was – What did you interview him about? What did you talk to him in your dream? I can't remember, but he was so cool in the interview and I was like, dude, no, people don't know if you're so cool or not. We have to come – let's talk, people. But I think – I bet they're all kind of cool. I bet they're like, hey, you know what I want to do? I want to take power. I'm like, ooh, I like that.

And then when they do it, I was like, fuck you. Yeah, I think a lot of them just probably either want or they want. That's the thing. It's so hard to know what they're really like as opposed to what you see. Yeah. Until I think you get some sort of like a vert, like something of them that seems like somewhat relatable to you. Yeah. And they're all a product, too. I saw somebody talk about George Bush Jr. How you say nuclear nuclear.

You know, I say nuclear. And somebody's like, how do I wait? How would he say nuclear nuclear? That's how he would say it. No, he said nuclear nuclear. Nuclear is wrong. Sorry, buddy. Which one's wrong? Nuclear nuclear is wrong. Yeah. But you're like, you don't think he knew. No, it's nuclear power. Nuclear power. No matter what you put on it, it's always going to be nuclear. OK. Yeah. I've heard it both ways. I think I'm not. I didn't really know which one was. Yeah. Correct. But yeah, nuclear. But they were like, you don't think you knew how to pronounce it.

His father was the president. You don't think he knew any herd nuclear around the house? They told him to mispronounce that so he could be relatable. Wow, you think? Yeah. He went to like an Ivy League school. That's true. He would have been shaken of that. Yeah, I think people are starting to get hip to like how much of it is –

Game of Thrones, like, image shit. Yeah, how much of it is, like, this person is doing this, or they're being told this, or this is the plan? Kamala did not have a good strategist, whoever their planner was or whatever. Who was that? Who was their... That's one thing I've never even... I bet it wasn't the Swami. Her campaign advisor? Yeah, I bet it wasn't that bald guy. What's his name?

He's like the main one. Carville? James Carville? Oh, yeah. He's cool. Not him. He would have done something better. He would have done something cool. He's out of Louisiana. Yeah, that's right. I went up to him once. I was like, how do you talk to a celebrity? There's no way. I don't know how to do it. They know I'm talking to them because they're them. Not just like, oh, hey, cool shirt. I didn't know who it was. So I saw him at a commercial shoot once. I was like, what do I say? I'm like, I know. He used to call into sports radio in D.C. And he had a great thing. Always been on the home underdog if there were more than seven points.

And I was like, that's what I'll say. I was like, hey, I used to listen to you on WTEM with Kornheiser way back. And he goes, oh, cool. Fuck. Fuck. Even that.

Yeah, there's nothing worse when – because if your planned line doesn't go good for a celebrity, you have nothing – That's it. Yes. You stand there like an asshole like, oh, I've done that. It feels so shitty and it's so obvious what you were trying to do. I know. Oh, dude. That's like a – there was a night where Johnny Depp was at the Comedy Store. Oh, yeah. I heard about that. And everybody – He's the star. Oh, he was – there was nobody like him. He was –

He was everybody, dude. He was in that movie, Peter Pan. He was in that Peter Pan movie. Was he? Yeah. What was it called? Finding Neverland. Finding Neverland. Oh, God. That's a good movie. But anyway, so then suddenly, I'd never even really been backstage at the main room. I wasn't getting on stage there much of the time. And I'm like, oh, I got to go back. I got to go back. So you walk in. The back room back there was packed.

Like, you could barely even move. Everybody's having, like, these fake conversations and kind of has their body lightly turned towards Johnny Depp. They all try to laugh louder so, like, maybe he'll join in with our joviality. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I see it with Rogan sometimes. I bet you get it too. You sit and you're like, oh, cool. Nobody's in this bar. I was like, how did it just fill up? Yeah. It's like word got out. Theo Vaughn's there. Oh, Rogan. I could imagine, dude. I feel like you never see. I feel like a lot of people, you never see him. He doesn't do a lot of. We get like 20 minutes normal and then it's over. Yeah. And I'm like, I was sitting there. All right. Fucking take it. Yeah. They're like, let me tell you about science. Yeah.

I'll tell you where the AIDS is. You're like, what's this guy? And it's just a gay guy that's flirting or whatever. But it was like that at the – that was it. And he was in the back.

And then I think I guess Edgar, that's right. Yeah. He was with Edgar and who brought him the guy? Doug Stanton from Arizona. And everybody was just like trying to be in his presence. Yeah. Aura. You could soak it in. You could just see him. And I can't, I can't even remember if I got to meet him or not, but if I did, I think it was one of those things like, Oh, see, things are going good or something like that. Just like,

Like we were from high school together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you want this con. It's never going to be that. It's never going to be like shit. The best was Dice one time. Met some guy. And he goes, oh, we should hang out. He's just some fan. And Dice is like, you know how he is. And he's like, sure, give me your number.

And Dice called him and texted him 35 times a day, bothered him at work to the point where the guy's like, hey, Andrew, I'm working right now. He goes, oh, yeah, work's tough. It's like I remember a couple of jobs I had when I was younger. And he's like, Andrew, I've got to go back to work. The guy just regretted trying to be friends with him.

Yeah, that's hilarious. It does suck. I heard Brody Stevens went back there and either didn't know or now that I realize, probably somebody told him. And he went back and was like, oh, you're not expecting to see anybody, let alone Johnny fucking Depp. And he goes, oh. And then I heard Depp had this way to offset. He goes, hi, I'm Johnny. How you doing? Or I'm John. Yeah.

And then Brody's like, Johnny Depp. Yes, heard of it. He must have been like, this guy's been weird in front of me. Like, no, no, no, that's just who he is. He's going to hang himself soon. Don't worry about that.

God, yeah, there's nothing scarier than if you have a line for something and say this because your brain doesn't think. It's just like, oh, everything will go good. It's not like, well, if that doesn't get adhered to, then what are you going to do after that? Yeah, you plan ahead. Like once that goes great, then what do I do from there? I'll talk. I'll listen. I'll say, hey, I will. Then I'll ask, yeah, maybe we can get a photo or something. Yeah, but God, it's so scary when that first line doesn't go good because then you don't know what to do.

It's so embarrassing. It is harrowing kind of. And that was at a time when celebs, there was like a real hierarchy to celebrity. And I feel like celebrity has gotten very like anybody, like it's everybody has like social media, you know, everybody has a website. Everybody could be a star, you know. You also see the real them now, the real, real celebrities. Yeah. So you're like, oh, you're just a guy. Yeah. You do the same. You're like, oh, I see you with your dog. You're fine. You're normal.

Yeah, things have gotten... Yeah, celebrities used to be kept more in this kind of hidden realm kind of. Yeah, I met Rob Lowe, who's one of the biggest at my travel podcast. Yeah. And he was like, can I change? And the other room was like, yeah, sure. It's filthy. I had someone sleeping in there yesterday, so like...

But, like, whatever. And then it's just like, yeah, I don't have to, like, cater to them. You're a guy. Fucking go in there and change. I don't know. Right. Yeah, and that's how they all are. It's weird realizing as you grow up they're not different. Yeah, do you think that's growing up or do you think that it's changed? Maybe it's changed. Maybe, but, I mean, I always take out the fact that I'm getting older and growing up.

that that could be part of the realization of things yeah somebody said like whenever you have a big movie now they're like oh let's get like matt damon or you know it's brad pitt that'll be big big star but it's like no one under 28 worships that guy yeah so like it's a 50 year old studio exec saying that'll be a headline it's like no no get timothy chalamet yeah get somebody younger

Yeah, get a lesbian who's a Timothee Chalamet impersonator. Yeah, without even trying. Yeah. But even that would go further with a young generation. It sure would. They'd be like, oh, yeah. They'd be like, what the fuck? Ari Shafir, man, good to see you, bro. You too, buddy. Yeah, are you living in Austin now? No, New York. Oh, you still live in New York. Just publicly. Every time I'm there, there's so many fucking pictures.

So everyone's like, I guess you must be there. Yeah. Yeah. You can't do two feet without somebody posting a picture. And they're pretty immediate over there too. Yeah. Like the second you're there, you show up on social media. Yeah. You're like, it's almost like, hey, how's the crowd? I'm about to go on. I noticed you. They're pretty good. Do you, are you amazed at the success of Austin or with the comedy scene in Austin? What do you think about it? Do you? It's exciting. Yeah.

For sure, it's exciting. They got some shit to overcome. They want to be the real scene. Yeah? Yeah. They need to know where they're weak. They don't. Oh, where they're weak? The comedians, you mean? Yeah. There's a lot of ass kissing there. It's like, we're great, we're great. And you really got to focus on why we're terrible. Self-hating was always driving you better than...

Celebration. Oh, you know what? That's a good. I don't know if there's as much self-hatred there Yeah, the store especially when you start going there like right after me was it was like no one was there like we suck We fucking sucked obvious. No one's here to see us. So let's try to be better Yeah, they've kind of started out like doing well. Yeah, kind of like the JonBenet of comedy So for your comics with like serious road draws like oh you need that fucking struggle time. You started with a spotter It's not the best way to work out

I didn't even really think about that. Yeah, but it's still exciting. It's a new burgeoning scene, and that's pretty exciting. There's no Hollywood there to fuck it up, to shit people away from what they're doing. So they're really just concentrating on jokes. Yeah. Yeah, at first I was like, what's this going to be like? It seemed like a lot of like –

You know, when Joe went, but then also Tom Segura went, which is huge. And a lot of comedians went like, I think the bigger thing is those five, six year comics that are going. And in 10 years, it's going to long. It's a long game to make that scene something. And in 10 years, they're going to be the biggest, the best comics. Right. And there'll be Austin comics. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of the last time I was there. I was like,

You could go up and down that street and do kind of five sets in a night if you wanted I was like well that is nice. Yeah, that's do you ever I mean? I don't know how you are normally you're so fucking big now It's pretty cool, but like it's like it's with Shane - I'm like can you go up and like get an honest rep anymore? Oh, that's a good question Especially Shane. I feel like is the biggest guy in the world right now. Yeah, I feel like he's like I don't even know who I would compare him to down He's like the big he's like Dane cook. Yeah at the time. I

When Dane was Dane. Shane and Dane. Shane and Dane. Buddy cops. Where they don't do anything. They just get drunk instead. And Dane just goes, come on, don't drink, don't drink, don't drink. And Shane just keeps drinking. And they never solve a crime. Dane has a big idea and then Shane just...

seems gay raises his eyebrow and he's like alright I won't seems gay that's hilarious that'd be the best that'd be the best nothing happens every single episode just sit there kind of half argue

Yeah, you need an honest rep. There's times where I go up in New York and it's a big applause and sometimes I go up and it's like one guy's like that and I'm like, oh, nice. Okay, this is going to be a real. I'll really tell if my jokes are good this time. This is going to be fair. Yeah. Well, I think a lot of the people from the podcast or that realm or whatever people that podcast, it's like a lot of the audiences know us.

They just see us so much, you know? Going ahead of time, they already know your backstory. Yeah. They saw so many, I mean, they've seen so many clips or for you or things that are out there, you know? And a lot of it's stuff that we didn't even make. It's like other channels making shit. It's like, you know, like I know there's like Legion of Skanks has like extra channels that are always just making their shit and putting it out. Yeah.

And it's great stuff, but it's like, so then that just gets so much of it out there. Yeah. I remember doing one time I was doing, when I was doing that Jew special, I would do Q and A's to like, what do you want to know about Jews? And sometimes he'd be like, what's the Oval on like? No, no, no, no, no. Just Jew questions. And then one time in Houston,

I was like, all right, I'm going to do this. They said something about Burt. I was like, all right, Burt did that, whatever. And then Tom, and I was doing that. And then this black couple, this guy, just raising his hand. He was like, yeah, question. He goes, who are all those people? And I was like, oh, right. Yeah, you don't know the back story. I can't do shit like that. Yeah.

Well, black people started podcasting a lot more last year. Yeah, they just figured out how to get online. Yeah, they couldn't figure out the password. They keep changing their phone numbers too much. It's linked to an old phone number. That could be true, yeah. They're like, oh, this is my aunt's email account. Is this your address? Who's asking? Who's asking?

Some guy putting his home address or his email address. Disguises to enter into a password. Like, I don't know how it works. Anyway, they finally hired some white Jew out of college to run it for him. Now it's all running great.

I am curious about Austin. I'm curious because last time I was there, just this energy. There is a lot of excitement. The club will be sold out. I mean, Joe's club will be sold out forever. So you sell out in seconds. Yeah. But even you go to some of those other rooms, you go to Red Band's room next door, you go to, there's the Black Cat or something. Uh-huh. Black Rabbit. Yeah. Black Rabbit. My problem is also I can't get any on it. I'm a star there. Yeah. So that's not, it's fun. It was like, do you remember the Laugh Factory open mic? Yeah.

- Yes. - So Laugh Act you open mic-- - Signing up for it and sitting outside. - You can only do once a month, and that's what kept you in comedy. 'Cause you're like, I will kill. And the store open mic was like, made you think about quitting. - Yeah. - But like, it was so good. You need that once in a while. It's just a victory lap. That's how Austin is for me. No matter where I go, everyone's like, yes! And I'm like, all right, I can't work on anything here.

It's probably because you and Rogan have been friends for so long. You've just been so intertwined with a lot of those guys. And because you've done so much work yourself. But for new comics, you can get that honest rep there. And that's what's exciting to me. And I think to Joe also. He's trying to build a scene, not just a club. Yeah, I think he's doing it. I mean, he pushes. At the end of every episode, he asks everybody. He's like, so?

Move in Austin. Oh, yeah. He tries so hard. He really does. Yeah. He tries so hard. I try to tell them the reasons why. They don't make sense to him. Yeah. I'm like, it's like an influencer town.

He's like, no, you just get a place 45 minutes away with armed guards every mile. It's like, okay, that's not going to be my reality, bud. Yeah, he's had people just shooting on it, tablets. No, it's close. They just get airlifted into the club and get airlifted back. It's easy, man. But it's such a fun time. It is fun. Oh, my God. It's a vacation every time you go there. You can treat it right. You fill up your own drinks. That's how every club should be. I'm an adult. I get free drinks. Why do I got to bother this bartender? Let me just make my drinks.

And people are like, doesn't he lose a lot of money? They're like, a bottle of beer costs $60. Right. No. Like, yeah, if that's that much of the stress, then you guys are having a tough time anyway. Yeah. Yeah, you make a lot of money. You see your friends with nothing to do when you're there. Getting to be in there, you

You also, people don't realize you get to meet whoever Joe had on his show that day is going to be at the club that night. There's some congresspersons there. You're like, hello. Anyway, we're about to make some Holocaust jokes. Do you want to stay in for this? It's on you. He's like, I wrote a couple myself. We're like, I think I can fuck AIDS out of a chick. You're like, oh, I'm sorry, Your Honor. Maybe we'll leave.

But it does feel energetic there. I'm seriously considering trying to get a little house there someplace where I can be there more often because I want to be able to work on comedy more. I do feel like I get a real rep for comedy when I'm here, actually.

- Interesting. - If it's not a show that I put on. - Yeah, yeah, right, right, right. - Then you get up, 'cause I feel like LA like-- - At least some rep. I might know ya, but maybe I'm not a ticket buyer for Theo Vaughn. - Right. - So you gotta win me over a little bit. - Yeah, or maybe I'm not a fan at all. - Right, maybe I don't like you. - Yeah. - So win me over, the best was one time when Louie came back, we saw security footage camera. Some chick was there in the side, so we could see her fully behind Louie. And she was like, just like mad.

And then four minutes in, it's Louis C.K., right? So he's – the talent there is undeniable. So she's mad. After about four minutes, she goes – and then five minutes later, she's like – and then by the end, she's just dying laughing. She's like, yeah, maybe this guy's all right. Yeah. At the end, she's like, jerk off in front of me. You can do it. Don't ask. I'm not into that. She's changing her whole MO. Yeah. Dude, I really think – yeah, who – I think Louis –

Bill Burr probably the funny they might be Louie's the funniest guy I've ever seen the funniest person I've ever spoken to he's the most creative I think he's always just making jokes and you put him on a pedestal sometimes but he's not he's just a schmuck he's just a schmendrick a fat blob and like whatever we put on that's us putting stuff on he's just a dude yeah I'll be honest I've been getting a bit more into crypto just hedging my bets on the market in the future

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You have a new, you have a, I want to make sure we're, you have a new comedy special coming out. Yeah, it's out. It's out now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just came out. America's Sweetheart. Nice. Oh, and that's you? That's me. Wow. So things have changed. That's right. In America, for sure. I'm the nice guy. Hey, we'll take what we can get, you know? Like, is nobody nicer? Like, nah. Do you find as you, as you've been, because you've been in comedy for how long? 25 years. Wow. It's a long fucking time.

It's more than half. I've been more in comedy than not in comedy. I think I just passed that. Do you feel like in the beginning you were just telling jokes, and now that there's any more purpose? I just wonder, I try to look at do we evolve as comedians? Because you hear some people say we evolve, right? You hear some people say their whole goal, their whole life is just to get up the punchline. Some people want to start being philosophical, right? Do you feel any difference or notice anything about that?

That for yourself? Yeah, I think it's everybody. It's not even like you do this thing. It might even take off or not take off. But then you're like, well, I'm a different person. Like Sturgill. You know Sturgill Simpson? So he's singing about DMT and mushrooms and stuff. And then the later albums, it's about his kids and stuff. And they're like, what about the drugs? And he's like, I mean, I covered it. I'm in my 40s now. It's kind of gross to be talking about like, can you believe I got so whacked out? It's kind of lame at some point. So you have to shift. And the better you get, too. You talk to Attell, who...

I think, but definitely could be the best. Good point. And you see him. Dude, that joke was so funny. It was a simple switch. And he's on such a higher level that stuff, I've been around for a while that I'm like, wow. He's like, that was a nothing thing. That was an easy trick I just did. Yeah. And he's so far above me, I can't see it.

So, yeah, everybody evolves a bit. I've started using my English degree more. Really? Yeah. Doing pretty much my last two specials. Like Othello or something? No, like the five-paragraph essay. Like having a real plan to it? Yeah, just like here's my thesis, here's my proofs, now here's a wrap-up instead of just a collection of bits. But, you know, once you get like pretty good at joke telling, then it's like what do I want to do on top of that?

Right. So that's what I'm doing with this. I'm trying to get people off the news. Yeah, is that what it's about more? Yeah, I'm sort of like, just get, things are pretty good. If you're on there too much, they're going to think it's bad, but it's actually pretty fucking good. Yeah, I saw a clip where you were with Harry Mandel. He was talking about anti, I don't know if you guys were talking about anti-Semitism. Somebody was. Yeah. How come you can pronounce that well and not nuclear?

That's a good question. Yeah. Programming. Yeah, you've come in contact with one more than another. Yeah, yeah. And he – He was so sure that it's a horrible time for Jews. Yeah. And I'm so positive it's not. Yeah. Yeah, I remember he – there was one time he was – oh, I think it was when Trump was running for office. And nobody can understand how I like –

I was excited that Trump was running because he was a – I was like, if that fucking dude can win, then anybody could win. Yeah, the way Obama gave black people hope. Yeah. He gives – Trump gives regular people hope. Oh, dude. The first time that he won, I remember dropping down the street, and I've never even been a big Trumper. I've never endorsed Trump. I don't think I voted for him the first time. I don't remember if I voted for him the first time. But I was like –

fucking anybody can win. And like, if you're born with a billion dollars, like, yeah, but you also say stupid and I'm stupid. Yeah. So that's the part I'll relate to. Right. Yeah. You're like, anybody could win. That's the part that was fascinating about it. But I remember how I was scared. It was like, oh, no, when they had that Richmond neo-Nazi, that Nazi thing in Richmond, remember years ago? Oh, yeah.

What was that? It was like those guys that bought those tiki torches or whatever? Yeah, no, it wasn't Richmond. Charlottesville? Charlottesville. Charlottesville. Yeah. It was a statue. Do you know who the statue was there? No one does. Nobody knows who the fucking statue was. And it was a flashpoint of everything. Was it Stephen Douglas? Symbols of the city's Confederate past. They don't even know who it is. They're all protesting. They don't even know who the fucking statue is. Totally normal.

Oh, it was Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson. Two of them. Now, that's New Orleans, isn't it? That's Charlottesville? Yeah, that's Charlottesville. Oh, yeah. I had a school nearby me called Robert E. Lee Junior High School. I wonder if it's still called that. Probably changed it. Probably changed it. Erasing history. To Bobby Lee's. Yeah. Bobby Lee College of Dropouts.

Dude, how does Bobby Lee not have an elementary school name after him? You gotta. You still look kind of like you're in one. You could go undercover, Bob. Just shave that stupid stache. You could go undercover. You look young. Oh, yeah, with just insane teriyaki lunches every day. Yeah, just these giant meals. You ever go to eat with Bobby? He just fills up the table. And you're like, oh, is this for us? He goes, oh, no, you can order two.

Bobby's like Ralphie May. He's a principal. He shows up once a year over Zoom. You know what I saw the other day? Oh, I was talking to my – I was talking to this kid, and he didn't know what AIDS was, dude. What? Yeah. He doesn't know what AIDS is. I was like, kid, I was like –

You trying to educate him? I don't think I'm allowed to tell you, but. I was like, dude, what about AIDS? And he's like, AIDS? And I was like, AIDS, you know? One of the top three things. Yeah, I mean, dude, it's like, but where is it? Like, if kids don't even know about AIDS, man. It's gone. But that's crazy. You got to talk to gays, bro. I talked to Mateo. Because you can't get it. We've got a force field now. Oh, they do? Oh, PrEP drugs. Yeah, PrEP. So it's like, they just can't get it.

So it's back to 80s. Let's fuck. Let's be gay the way gay was meant to be. Yeah. Let's fuck in the back of the church. Let's fuck anywhere gays are. They'll fuck anywhere, huh? They just go for it. That's crazy, isn't it? Imagine just. I think I tried to jerk me off in the back of a bus in Vietnam. You did? Yeah. And the guy was gay? I don't fucking know what their, I don't know what their culture is.

That's a big sign usually. Dude, they're starving over there. They could have been ordering soup. Dude, any joke that ends in soup, Jewish people love it for some reason. I'm listening. It's a little cold. I'll eat half and send it back, but I like that joke. I'll eat half that joke and send it back. Hold on. Almost done. There's a hair in there.

It's the biggest problem with Jews going bald. They can't send soup back. Sorry, Howie. You're right. That's hilarious, dude. What are we talking about? Jesus Christ. Is this what the president said? Oh, the eight. Oh, the eight. Yeah. I miss it. It was like a real thing at United People. Yeah.

United Nation AIDS. Well, I remember, yeah, they were like at a school or whatever. They made us do like a round of applause for HIV or whatever it was. It was like something like some, some thing they had at our school. It was like clap for AIDS or whatever. Clap for it. People, you would clap. It was like somebody would clap as long as they could to raise money for AIDS. Like one of those things, like do it as long as you can. Like a, a,

AIDS-a-thon or whatever. - Okay. - And it was like, I just remember being in this gym and people just, it was like somebody had to keep clapping. So you had to tag in somebody else to clap. And then if you got to a certain number of hours, then you raise a certain amount of money. - Wow. Turns out they never got the cure. They just got a, pretty much a vaccine. You did it. - AIDS, AIDS. Dude, that's not funny.

But when you're here, everything's funny, dude. Oh, what is this right there? Oh, an unfortunate product name, A-Y-D-S. AIDS. I was overweight. Looked terrible. Helped me lose 46 pounds. The AIDS diet plan helped me lose 28 pounds. AIDS helps control your appetite so you lose weight. Yet AIDS lets you taste, chew, and enjoy. And the appetite suppressant in AIDS is not a stimulant. AIDS helped me to lose 18 pounds, and it doesn't contain anything to make me nervous. Question.

Question, why take diet pills when you can enjoy AIDS? AIDS helps you lose weight without making any jitters. That's crazy. Wow. That's crazy. The term enjoy AIDS. And people are like, where did AIDS start? Insurable form. That's wild. I mean, what's that new drug that makes you lose weight? Ozempic. Ozempic. That's that. They just rebranded it. AIDS. Zima did it. They went to Trulia and White Claw. They were smart. They did, huh?

I forgot Zima was just an early white claw. Zima gives me, what happened there gives me hope for society because you're within a 10, 15 year age of me. You remember Zima. Oh yeah. And it was like, it's like there's a cooler stuff and you reach for a Zima. People are like, you sure you want to do that in front of people? Yeah. You're going to be called gay for a long time. And you're like, okay, I won't.

who went away and then truly or white club, whichever the first one came back, we all kind of made a deal. Like let's not call each other gay. Let's just drink this. And we all were cool about it. - And just fucking shut up. - Yeah, yeah. - If nobody calls the other person gay, we can enjoy this. - We can do this. Don't be the first one to take that shot in the revolution.

Dude, Zima was kind of, Zima was one of a kind. Because it had the bottles and it kind of, it was a malt liquor. You kind of had a, it had a malt liquor idea to it, but it was, was it lemon flavored? Citrus, yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, a touch of citrus. Look at the Jolly Ranchers nearby it. Yeah, put a Jolly Rancher. Is it out? Can you still buy Zimas? Is the IP still available? You can't find Zima anywhere else, though it is sold in Japan. I'm going to Japan. Are you? I mean, now. Zima. It's a weird reason to go.

They got a lot of unique stuff over there. Yeah. Oh, what I see the other day in China, there was a, did you see this Jackson hole, the city in China that they built? Jackson. They bit to when I was there, they just built a city. Really? Sujo wanted a business district. So they're just like, do it. No, no bureaucracy. Make it happen. Just build it. It was up in six months, 20 skyscrapers, no waiting, no codes. Look at this place. This guy built,

I visited China's $170 million little America replica town. It's a town of Jackson Hole. Wow. That's suburbs. Yeah, so it made of Jackson. It just looks like America. This guy went to visit it. That's George from The Sleep In. And everything in it is... Wyoming. Yeah. What? Who does this? How can you do this? That's wild. They built a few of these. How big is that town? Who's building it?

China. Just to bring new people in? Old churches? I think rich people it looks like. Yeah, what is it? Can you give me some information on it? So you can live in China but be in America? Yes. Be in America. Property taxes. Jackson, Old China is a resort town on the border between Hualai County, Zhangjiakou, wedged between Taihang and Yan Mountain Ranges. Its architecture is designed by the town of Jackson, Wyoming.

Is there ski in there? Damn. I don't know. Let us see some of that information. Cowboy bar. The thousand single home development used stock Western home plans from an architect in Oregon. Adding designs reminiscent of Billy the Kid, Geronimo, Stagecoast Station, Big Bear, etc.,

Cow hod, antler chandeliers, saddle blankets, all this stuff. Wagon wheels, Navajo rugs, iron light fixtures, wildlife scene, fireplace screens. This is a whole place that's there. The project was completed in 2009. Liu Yangyang, the developer...

Young of the community said his selling point was more than architecture. His buyers wanted freedom and spirituality, so he built a Christian church in the center of the community for residents. According to Smith, the properties have sold out and nearly tripled in value since being built as the first model was put up in Beijing Park for display. People apparently went nuts for it. Damn, I should have invested in Chinese real estate. I know. Damn, I invested in Palisades. God.

Wow. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Replica Town. That's like Saudi shit. Just interesting. And they have a few of them. I think there's China's. Made to be like Venice, the canals? Yep. Replicas of Paris, London, and Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Just interesting. What? Wait, wait, wait. Up right there. Hold on. That's in China? They have an Eiffel Tower in China? Oh, yeah. They do it all.

Because they're like, we have so much land. We have so many expendable souls that we can use to do construction. Why not just build it here that we don't have to go somewhere? Dude, I have a map in my studio for my travel podcast. And it's in China. You see all the cities on the right side of it. And then as it goes left, there's just nothing. There's an occasional dot of a city. And I'm like, what's all this? Yeah.

I think I should have looked it up by now. What's out there? Yeah, like what the fuck? What's in central China? That's a good question. There's just no reports from there? Is that where they're keeping all the people who talk back? What's in central China? I saw some Korean people yesterday. Is that where they teach people to butt on the subway before you get a chance to get off?

Is that what they do? Yeah, they do. They don't understand, though. Like, we get off first, then you get on. Oh, they get off first. They just get on. They just push on. Elevators, too. Like, let me get out first. Oh, they say it's up to you. Yeah, it's like you didn't go for it. What else is cracking, man? What's cracking in the world? Yeah, what do you think of everything? What makes you hopeful?

Well, I get... In this time of negativity, what makes you hopeful? Do you think things are feeling negative right now? It seems like they're pushing you to be negative, but I don't think you have to be. Yeah. So if you center on something that's like, well, I like this. New Austin scene's pretty cool. We never had a third real scene. That's a good point. Yeah, that's nice. And at first, I didn't think... I was like, oh, we'll never really be able to compete, but...

As I've gone back, I feel like, hey, it is. I don't think it has to compete. That's the problem, too. You get into that where it's like I come to L.A. I spent a little time hating it the way I hated religion for a while when I left. And now I'm like in school. And I get back to L.A. I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm going to get some burritos and see some friends. It's great. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a great new extra thing. You know? Yeah. It's like it's not like which one's better. It's like, well, you don't have to live there. Yeah. He's always like, you got to move here. Yeah. Yeah.

But it is cool though. The bars are cool the honky-tonks away from where he built that club is still cool. I

Yeah, 6th Street is a violent atmosphere of people vomiting on one another. It always was. And then they put horses just – there's a horse comes by every 40 minutes and just shits everywhere. Just shits. Like, let's add this to the mix. Let's add – let's up it now. You know all this violence and, like, people are ready to go and barf and puke and, like, drunkenness? Let's add horse shit and then sit back and watch from a safe distance atop a stallion.

Yeah, there's just occasionally people, there's just horses shitting out there. And one of the horses they said was an undercover cop. I'm like, who gives a fuck? I'm like, who's going to let a horse bust them? Who goes up to a horse like, do you want to smoke with me? She's like, you're under arrest. Look at this chick. Don't move.

Fuck you wearing lady. Yeah Have some class when the skirt so short I can smell your thoughts, you know I remember going there before it got like kind of meth II hmm and uh, it's UT guys walking along just you know, it's like who we used to hang with a tangentially just like tough frat guys and they pass some chick overweight checkers go they're drunk you're fat and I was like

Dude. That's how it always was. No one in Austin goes to 6th Street. Yeah. Once a year for a lark. Nobody real goes there. Nobody who wants to go do something fun. At least Broadway in Nashville is based on something. It's based on the old honky-tonk area. Right. There's only one or two left.

But it's based on something. So it comes from a place. 6th Street in Austin. It's just based on nothing. Yeah. It's got a darkness to it. Yeah, it definitely seems kind of spooky. It seems like people that are just there to get drunk. It kind of has more of a Bourbon Street kind of vibe to me. Ooh, yeah, maybe. Yeah. And also, you're in this beautiful place at Rogan's Club. And you're like, ah. It's like a casino. No lights, no anything. So you're like, I'll see you guys later. Yeah. What? What?

And then a rickshaw comes by. Yeah. Guys like you guys want to get in. It's only fifty dollars for some AIDS. And you're like, whoa, we just want to go two blocks. He'll be like, I'll get you AIDS by then. I'll get you for sure. I can find some AIDS for you out here. What's this from? That's a that's an Aztec death whistle. The coroner we had on Toby gave it to us. If it's if you blow it full, it sounds like a woman screaming for death. That's just a warning. Wow. It sure does. I've heard a few of those in real life.

- Keep screaming, no one's here. Yeah, I was with Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie when it happened. - Really? - But I didn't leave any dumb fingerprints like Brian did.

That's what she sounded. Oh, the darkness. Gabby, rest in peace. The darkness continues. Do you think there will ever be, I believe there will be a time when people will live forever and people will not. And I believe that kids right now that are 15 and under, they're going to live forever. Forever. Like they'll have a chance to live forever. Ooh, like they might get the drug. Yeah. But there's going to be this weird thing where there's going to be like. Hey, can I get it? Like, no, you're too old. Yeah.

So like, am I just going to age out? Like, yeah, it's been nice knowing you. I'll keep in touch with you for a few years, but then you're going to get old. Yeah, but they're going to be like, oh, you're going to die. People are going to be like, dude, your dad died. What a fucking loser. Was he poor? Yeah. Oh, man, you guys must have been so poor. Your dad died of natural causes. That's so retro. Oh, God, he was a real loser.

You should have worked harder, bro. Look at Timmy's dad. But that's what's going to happen. I think there's going to be a cutoff. And the government will probably say this is the cutoff. There will be some bad drugs that will come out of people trying to get the actual drugs. Yeah, some knockoffs. Or it'll be a chip or something that you get. And then slow down all drugs.

at the cellular level. I'm in, let's do it. But then there's going to be so many people who are not, and there's going to be less jobs probably, so it's going to turn very dystopian. Would you take it if they had it right now? It's been tested, it's safe. Here are the options. Take it right now, wait a few years, and decide and see how it shakes out, or not take it. So you have to pick really, I gave you one week to decide. Yeah. And or, well this won't be for you as much, but for me, it may be for you too. It's like you can either take this, live forever drug,

Or perfectly workable hair transplants. Full head of hair, back to Mohawk, back to everything I always wanted. I might go with the hair. So hair now or live forever? Yeah. Because then I've got to live forever with that. I think bald's cool now. Bald are...

I'm in. Spread it. You've got influence. Spread that. A lot of people are being bald and loving it now. Really? There's bald women. I saw a bunch of bald... Fat people love it too. Really? Yeah, and we know their line of themselves. Is that a bigger thing, being bald? Yeah, big and beautiful or...

Big and ball. There's like bald and tall. Is that a shop? Bald and tall. Big and tall. Big and tall. Dude, bald and tall. Bro, bald and tall is a crazy look. Do you burn yourself in the sun too much? Bald and tall is a crazy look. Yeah. Yeah, Kanye's back on Twitter right there. It says, God, Hollywood sucks. Jada Pinkett Smith. Kanye is the most out of control person I know. What's the point of that post?

Yeah, why did she start that? Why are you looking to be in this? Because you're not a center of attention for a second. And then he went right back out of Rapunzel. Rapunzel, let down your hair. He hit her where it hurt. Yeah. Damn. Nice. That's kind of a good wordplay. Yeah, it was all right. But I heard it just enough. Thank you. It was like something. Well, it's a little thing. It got nothing. It deserves something. Thank you. So there's something. That's very sweet of you. Little things that keep us alive. Yeah. What do you think about Kanye being back on Twitter? Yeah.

Oh, you try to use your song, right, for the intro to your new special. Yeah, I've had this whole big piece about how great he is. That's another thing, focus on the positive. That's the whole message. And then everyone's like, Kanye's crazy. I'm like, he rules the music. Just the music. What is she writing about anything other than music? Right, to come at Kanye, it's like, yeah, if you're trying to get other stuff out of him, he probably shouldn't be your liaison to like,

except maybe creativity and music. Yeah, exactly. It's like going to Bert Kreischer for weight loss tips. Yeah. Or coming to comedians for political ideas. Oh, yeah, that's another one. I heard song talks like this about the Fires. They're not firemen. What the fuck? They're just like at a bar talking. Yeah. It's crazy. I know. You go to Kanye for anything other than music, you're nuts. Because he's not just okay at the music part. He's great at it. Yeah. So I tried to get one of his songs, Black Skinhead.

for my credits. I was going up to it the whole tour, 'cause I was talking about Kanye a lot. And Christine Oakerson, Big J's chick, was like, "Hey, I know he's like popping off, like whatever, "but have you heard Black Skinhead?" And I was like, "No." And I was like, "Oh my God, his antisensors "got me into this song." And I played it the whole fucking tour, and I was like, "Let me try to get this for the credits."

And I wrote them. I was like, listen, I can't afford it, right? So I'm like, hey, I'm appealing to them creatively. And I was like, hey, I have this whole big piece about how Kanye's really great and how people have lost focus on what's important. And I want to close with a song. With Black Skin, it was one of his most killer songs. And I think kind of an underrated song, to be honest. And they go, I hope you're not referring to him as Kanye. He goes by Ye now. And it's like, ah, fuck. I'm never going to go there. His whole staff is crazy, too.

It's just the fact that that was their first reply. You're like, oh, I got no chance. I have no chance. Yeah, I wonder what his mind is like. I think his mom died. Give him some sympathy. His girlfriend is... His wife is beautiful. Is that a Photoshop? What? She wears a lot of...

Skin tight suits that lady. Skin tight, but make it a color. Bianca Sensori, I believe is her name. Possibly Italian, I'm not sure. She's like unveiling herself. She's a piece of art to him. Might be. I mean, why wear that heavy a coat if you wear that little underneath? I don't know, dude. Wear a sweatshirt and a lighter coat. God, I gotta get out more. Jugs. Jugs. There's a moonshine in that. My God. Dude, some babies are like... Oh my God. I would slurp if I were her kid.

So he just keeps fucking chicks that look like Kim? I guess so. That's a good question. I mean, you've got to type. I know guys that only date Asian chicks. I can't say slurp. That's his wife, isn't it? That was pretty rude. Is that his wife? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Try it again, but use a different word other than slurp. I would. She's a beautiful lady.

Obviously she's into showing her body off though She's got some really It's rude to not show it off If I were a baby dude I would I would just pretend like it was morning all the time Just like breakfast Yeah That's gotta be fun when you are a baby God it really does Underrated part about being a baby

- Yeah. - Yeah, if you're a baby and you put him down, if you put the baby down between, and it's a breastfeeding baby, between that chick and like, I don't even know who, Karen Feehan, who do you think that chick is? That baby's gonna go right for that fucking chick. Big fucking lot of food. - Oh yeah, makes sense. Did you, you think you'll have any children already? What do you think? - No, I had a vasectomy. - You did? - Yeah. - No way. - I was taking chances. - You were? - I was taking too many chances. - So you were actually trying to have a child? - No.

What? Sorry, what are you saying then? No, I was just pulling out late. Oh, you were? Yeah. I don't understand how people do that. Like, how do you... I know a lot of black guys like to just do the nut or whatever. I mean, the nut is great. I know why they want it. Yeah. The nut's great. Yeah, but it's also great outside of it. It's less great. Is it? What do you mean, is it? Shut up. I've never done it. Yes, you have. I've never ejaculated inside of a woman.

- Theo, then you haven't lived. - Really? - This is a facade, buddy. Just get what you need to get. None of this is real. - We never said we had done it. - No, but I mean this, all this is like a fucking, you're just like buying time so you can get a cream pie. This is all just because you've never cream pied. - Really? - You got a nut inside, buddy. What do you mean you've never done it? What do you mean you've never cream pied inside of a woman? - I never have in my life, I swear to God. - You fucked though? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. But every time I do, I do the. What if she's like, I'm on the pill? Oh, that's. I don't. I barely know her.

So I'm not believing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how many chicks I fucked that said they couldn't get pregnant that I later found out got pregnant from somebody? Really? And I was like, wait, you said I was blowing loads in you. And they're like, oh, I thought I couldn't. Based on what? Oh, you're in there just like one of the Ghostbusters just throwing ectoplasm in there. I was a salad for some other guy's steak. Yeah, I've never done that in my life, man. Well, let me...

Recommend something to you. I'm going to end up being a father. People are always getting – I don't want to be in a lawsuit or something. Find some old chick. Find some post-menopausal chick. Get to me more. I want to get a regular wife that likes to – The last of the Golden Girls died. It's too late for that. Estelle Getty? No. Maybe. Estelle Getty Museum?

What was her name? Who was the last? Betty White? Betty White. Betty White. Stelgetti was so. She was old when it started. Right. She was the looker. Rue McClanahan was the one that everybody, my dad kind of had hots for. The youngest of the slutty one. Yeah. Blanche Devereaux. God. What a great series. Hot take. Golden Girls is just sex in the city. They're both written by gay men about gay culture. And this one they made old women play it. And the other one they made fucking horse-faced chicks play it. Hmm.

Do you think they will cure – do you think that being gay will be something that will be eternal or one day that that will be hacked or something? That we can cure it. Or that it will be hacked, that they'll be able to hack the genetics. If you were a scientist working on the cure for gay and you were like halfway there, you lost a lot of funding recently. Oh, that's probably true. Yeah, they're probably like, we're not paying – we don't want it anymore. You don't think? There's a small segment of the population like we got to cure this.

Everyone else is just like, who cares? Oh, I think most people are like, who cares? But I just mean, maybe cure is not the right word, right? Do you think that they would, do you think that they'll ever... A vaccine. Vaccine, yeah. So you won't ever get it in the first place. Right, yeah. You get a kid when he's two. Didn't they say vaccines made kids gay? Wasn't that a rumor for a while?

I don't know if we're going to find out soon if Bobby Kennedy gets in there. Yeah. So wild. Say no gay kids after a while. Like, I ended vaccines. Who knows? So all this stuff he says, people are like, that's ridiculous. I'm like, really? I don't even know the words he's using. He's smarter than me. I don't know shit. I don't even know the earth is round. I'm just guessing. The latest viral COVID-19 conspiracy theory boosted by QAnon falsely claims vaccines turn children gay or trans. Wow, I didn't know that. And that's a false allegation that COVID-19.

Yeah, I mean, a lot of kids, I will say, seem very gay, though. Do you notice that? Like if you talk to like a – They're post-gender. Is it? Yeah, they don't care. The man can wear a dress like you cross-dressing. They're like, what? When I grew up, you couldn't wear pink as a dude. You'd be ostracized. Now you – like there's no gay color that's wore past that. So those kids are past that shit. They're wearing top hats and skirts. It doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. Okay. Yeah, so yeah, we see them as gay, but they're like –

Oh, dude, we're not even using those terms. Yeah, you're from a different universe. That's why you go to the Bushwick or something and you're like, oh, this is the cutting edge kids. There was, I've heard rumors that a lot of Haitians moved over there in there to the parks and stuff and were selling sex and stuff like that. Have you seen any of that over there? Hookers in Bushwick? Yeah, in the parks over there. Selling their bodies? Yeah, they were selling sex and oral sex over there. I mean, Haitian, that's not who you'd want.

Mean who you want to see you want I guess it's the I don't know what the pace and the rate is just a bunch of dark black Very thin hookers. I'll check it out. I haven't heard anything about that Yeah, one of my friends was telling me there's a lot of hooker and going on over there and some Haitian hookering I think they said Haitian I would have to ask him you know what there is though for real for real Casual hooking really like chicks who do it like three times a year housewives Regular checks or like for a little extra cash. What do you mean? I mean like

Oh, your friend seems cute. It's like, hey, my friend's cute. She likes you. Would you be into it for like a couple hundred bucks? Like, oh, no. In New York? Yeah. Huh. Regular chicks just occasionally like, yeah, I'll fuck for money. The guy seems cool. They're not going to like on the street taking all callers. Right. But like occasionally for extra cash instead of driving Uber. Do they tell the husband? I don't think so. Possibly. I don't know everybody's situation. Would you? Is there a thing where people let the Obamas are still together for real?

It's a great question. You think the Clintons are? No. No, right? So it's a possibility that there are such things as sham marriages. Yeah, for sure. I wonder. She didn't show up to the funeral. She didn't show up to the inauguration. I could see like, hey, I never wanted to be in the public eye like this. Yeah. I just wanted a ball. Yeah. Dunk on these bitches. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. That could be it, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I won. It's a good question. That whole inauguration thing was just such a game. You went? Yeah, I had total Game of Thrones energy over there. What did you think? Because that's not you. Oh, not at all. You're going there the way I go to Comic-Con. Yeah. I'll just stare at everybody. That's ridiculous. I don't know. What's Spider-Man? Oh, I was like, I should not be here. You should not be there. That's how I felt. At least you're not doing the endorsing thing. Yeah. That a lot of comics are doing. I thought we were supposed to just make fun of everyone in power. Did you feel like it was weird that people were endorsing?

Endorsing? Who's endorsing? What the fuck are you talking about? You have a literal sports team you root for. You don't endorse Tottenham. Yeah. Like, it was so wild. But all right, he's in power now, so let's see everybody go after him. Well, I think a lot of people were endorsing. Just make fun of all of them.

Yeah, it it it seemed weird. Well, I think the biggest thing that seemed like it's been on the table for me is just a free speech stuff. You start to worry about like a lot of these social media companies limiting speech limiting what's possible for sure. Yeah, for sure. So if somebody's like, hey, I want to do this my great. I love it. You know, I also love when Trump gave us all 600 bucks during the pandemic got everybody really party in New York. Love that.

Do you worry about, yeah, but I'm not going to get involved in getting it there. But then some of these guys have a lot of influence, to be honest. But also they're like, how can you have this guy on your podcast? I'm like, well, I'll have everybody on. I had Tucker Carlson on my podcast, the travel one. We just talked about travel. People are like, why didn't you call him on his shit? I'm like, was he lying about the UAE? That's all I care about. Right. The travel part. I don't want to get involved in this, but.

So I get that part of it. Like, somebody seems interesting. A former president. I'll have him on a podcast. Oh, in a heartbeat. Yeah, people gave me grief for going to the –

Inauguration. Inauguration. I was like, dude, you don't think I'm going to. But if you got invited to the, I don't know, Bush inauguration or the Obama one or the Reagan one, you would have gone? Yeah, I would have gone. It's like, oh, I'm not political. I got invited to the presidential inauguration. Yeah, it's like, why am I not going to go to inauguration? I have no idea. What if it's not even real and there's video? They're just, it's the moon landing. Who knows? You know, so I went and at least saw like, okay. So what was that right doing? Did it feel like powerful? Did it feel like these guys are deciding fates?

Or was it just like the Oscars where they're all glad-handing each other and celebrating success? I guess I didn't get to be there long enough. Was there food? At the ball, the food was not good. That fucking broke my heart. What do you mean? Tony was there. He's like, we did it. And I'm like, the food isn't good, Tony. We didn't. We still have room. What do you mean the food wasn't good? It wasn't that good. And they only had like 30 chairs in this whole ballroom. And there was probably...

1,500 people in there. 30 chairs? That's like my house. I have four chairs and I have eight people over and it's like we're sitting on Amazon boxes. That was the most hectic part. But yeah, just to be there, to be in Washington, D.C., to see that happen, for sure. I was like, fuck you. I'm going. I would never be weird. I would never think it was weird if anybody went. Is that you there? No, but pull those people back up. So this was the part that was fascinating to me. These were...

These are the guys deciding our fates. Who's the brown in the middle? This is the oligarchy right here. Sunder Pichai from Google. He owns Google? So these guys all decide how we think about the world. These one, two, three, one guy, the chick I'm assuming is cleaning the knob. There's Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg's the most evil of all of them.

You think? Yeah. Because I think he was like cigarettes where they didn't know what they were doing. And then when they found out, so there's no problem. They're just giving cigarettes. They didn't know it caused cancer. Then they found out it caused cancer and they go hide that shit. Right. Zuckerberg at first was like, I don't know. I just, I'm too autistic to have interactions. So I want to see a world where we don't have to meet eye to eye. And now he goes, yeah, he made us live like autistic people.

But then he found out that we're all fucking turning on each other and cutting off our uncles. And he goes, yeah, keep pushing it. I think it should be up. I think it should at least be his company taken away from him and it should be shut down. Facebook and Instagram should be shut down. Push the button. Well, it's like it's not making our society better. Well, I agree with that. But say I'll say that type of thing. People will be like, well, a government can't decide what can and can't make their society better, right? I think they can.

I think that it might be abuse, but at some point it's like, this is too much bad. Right. Well, I feel the same way about porn, about porn channels, you know? Yeah. Or like, let's have some oversight. Oh yeah. Porn too. It's like, it's nonstop. Like you can't like push porn to kids, right? They had to stop making THC gummies that are in the shape of clowns. Cause like, Hey, we're not actually giving these to five-year-olds and you're kind of marketing to five-year-olds. Yeah. They had to stop putting. Steve Simone was eating all of them too. Yeah. Yeah.

This is a Steve Simone joke. Love you, buddy. They had to. Yeah, there he goes. Look, he's always smiling. I know. Where are the bodies? Yeah, he's our Gacy. He's our John Wayne Gacy. Wow. On the surface. That's insane to say that. A kind man. I joke, he's the sweetest guy. He is.

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Yeah, I think it's really bad. You can't just put in additives into fucking baby formula. But why do we keep doing... Why do we keep building stuff that's bad for... But if people say, well, if your government says you can't, then that's a form of communism, right? Your government says you can't have this and you can't have it. Because we shouldn't have...

I mean, we just had a woman on, we're talking about Pornhub and extremely high percentage of their content was totally unregulated. So they had rapes on there. They had unconsensual sex. They had sex with minors. They had sex with babies.

On there, on Pornhub, on the website. But their whole goal was just to have as much content as they could have because then they sell more advertising dollars because we have this many URLs. We have this many links that people can go to. So they were selling in bulk, but they didn't have anybody or they had very few people moderating any of the content that came through. Yeah, so we have some laws, right? You can't blast music at parks. Right. Because it's kind of infringing on other people's rights sort of here. There's a privacy. It's quiet.

So there's some regulation. I don't understand all this. I don't know what the line is from socialism to not. I don't get any of that. It's not my thing. I just know like this is really hurting us as a society and nobody's doing anything about it. You can't sell guns on a street corner just to anybody. Right. And it's like, well, if it was bad for you, you wouldn't do it. Like, nah, you need someone to step in. Like that's not as a society. Like that's not allowed. You're making us hate our brothers and friends and shit. Yeah. See, the world is a terrible place. We didn't sign up for that. I don't like it.

Twitter does that a lot, I noticed. Twitter definitely can be a place where you can really get trapped in there. Do you notice that, Nick, you think? Yeah, I wake up in the morning and just piss myself off by reading all the comments. Yeah, and start angry. It's not a good way to start, right? You've been on the beach when you start pleasant. It's a better feeling when you're at the beach than you're on Twitter, showing you what's to be mad about. Yeah. There was a guy who used to work in Google to see which of the things had to go to the dark web and which were allowed.

So his whole day was spent looking at snuff films and fucking car crashes and like child endangerment and stuff like that. Every one of those guys had to go to therapy for the rest of their lives. Yeah. Because you're not supposed to see that stuff. And we're seeing like versions of that. I hate it. I hate it. God, let's draw on quarter Mark Zuckerberg.

I mean, I don't think we should do that. I don't know what we should do. What's the Ouija? But is it just him, though? It's must do. It's anybody who now knows what you're doing to society and you're not doing anything about it. You actually have the power to stop it and you're not doing it. Right. So, like, fuck off. Well, that's the same thing that I noticed with this woman talking about with Pornhub. It was like they would bring up these cases. There were cases of people who had been raped and their footage uploaded, right? Oh, my God. And you can't just go, what? It's an open source thing. Like, no, no, you're facilitating it. Right.

Right, that's the thing. People are like, well, we... And at one point, she said they only had one moderator who would spin, and something had to be flagged like 15 times before it even comes into the moderation queue. You're already fucked over. And the moderation queue would be like hundreds of thousands of videos long that they have to sit there. And then there's just one person deciding adult, not adult, consensual, not consensual. The problem is you start with like they need to have some oversight, they're going to go too far. Yeah. And they're going to make like, well, this joke they had about who's on top, we can't have that. That's not how our society wants that. You're like, that's too far.

And I don't know what it is. You can't trust the government to regulate. I don't know what the answer is, but right now it ain't working. Well, and then you wonder, is human society supposed to have this success story or is it a unsuccessful experiment or is it just – It's like pharmaceuticals had to be regulated. You can't just give everyone side effects.

You have to show your side effects. And it barely is. Right. But you have to show your side effects. You have to go. At the end. Yeah. You have to at least do something. But then it's like I think people have lost total faith that their country is going to do a lot. They're not going to do shit. They're not going to do shit. Right. They're just going to let it go. You go to another country. You eat like garbage for a week and you lose seven pounds. You're like, how's this? Oh, there's not that many chemicals in other countries and shit. Right. Yeah.

But I think like, I mean, we talk about it a lot in here, like with the Sackler family, the company that made all the drugs. God damn. And they're still alive. And they're still pushing it to people. You should do Oxy. You should get on Oxy for pain. My dad had to get on something. I go, don't take that. Take ibuprofen. Don't take it. You can't. If you get hooked on it, you can't kick it. They're still selling Oxycontin? Oh, yeah. They're still pushing it. They're incentivized to financially.

Who's even making money? Is it just to go back to pay for victims? Oh, they're not paying those bills. Those fines, they're not paying those. Really? Yeah, same thing with PG&E. All the forest fires, half of them were caused by PG&E not doing the safety measures.

Look at how many forest fires in California are started by the utilities. Hold on. Let's get this really quick. Purdue Pharma Sackler Families boost contribution in opioid settlement to $7.4 billion. The company and the once prominent family behind the drug OxyContin agreed Thursday to increase their financial contribution to resolve mass opioid litigation.

The Sacklers and Purdue Pharma boosted their settlement contribution to $7.4 billion. If approved, the new plan would end the costliest corporate bankruptcy resulting from the U.S. opioid crisis. - So that's to pay $7.4 billion over the next 15 years. How much did they make a year? - Go back. - This is the same thing as like-- - Scroll, scroll. Under the new settlement, the terms of Sacklers' control of Purdue Pharma ends

The $7.4 billion will go directly to communities across the U.S., including states, counties, cities, and territories over the next 15 years. Well, that's good. That's good. But even this headline is like, oh, they decided to boost their contribution to the lawsuit. Yeah. Now they killed hundreds of thousands of people. Yeah, all the Gulf oil spills, they paid this big fine. It was still less money than it would have been to do the safety measures. Right. So they're like, it seems like a big number, but not compared to what they're making. Yeah.

You know there was a time when if I got a parking ticket it would break me. Oh, yeah And now I've seen like rich people like I'll park here. It's like a little part of like oh, it's fine I'll just park it. Yeah, it's fine if somebody takes a call just buy a new car Yeah, Chris Rock you said instead of pulling into the lot would just park in front and they're like they might give you a ticket I don't care. Yeah, it's $80 and I'm a millionaire. He doesn't care. It's not gonna. It's not gonna de-incentivize him Yeah, I mean it look at this. So this is a wildfire is caused by power lines. Oh

Okay, so why are we looking at this? I'm saying they're supposed to worry about safety measures. They don't. We fine them. They don't pay the fines. Look at all those fires caused by that. And then they just don't do anything because they know, what are you going to do? Not use us? You're going to all be in the dark for fucking years? Yeah, what are you going to use, a candle? Hundreds of forest fires. Maybe thousands by PG&E, and they won't do shit. So that's the government's not doing shit. It's like, why even pay attention to any of it?

Yeah, what are you going to be? You're just going to use Yankee candles all day? Fucking...

Dude, some of the candle smells have gotten crazy. It's really upping it. That's what makes you hopeful. The candle game, it's bar none. There's shapes and everything. I saw a candle dick in Washington Square Park. Really? And they lit it up? Yeah. No, you can't. But I don't know what the smell is. I never lit it up. I have one, though, in my house. I'm good. They have some video of a guy trying to smoke his own dick or whatever. He's laying on his back, brought his legs over his head, tried to put his penis in his mouth and tried to light his nuts like he was in a bowl of weed.

How do you do? Huh? How do you do? The video cuts off early. But just unreal behavior. You know what I'm saying? That's one vote for Trump right there. Did you get to say anything to him? Like, you should take care of this? Is it Trump? Yeah, I always have this dream. Like, there's an outside possibility I can run into him. Oh, yeah. It's an outside possibility. And I'm like, if we all got to be like, hey, I just want two things to do.

What would you hit him with? Two things to do in the world? Yeah. In America, anything. I would say sentence the Sackler family to death, I think. I like it. That would be probably my favorite thing about Clark. And that would put other people like, I mean, you grew up in a town that's,

That's fucked by this. Well, yeah, most of America. I mean, just the AA rooms alone, you see so many more people that aren't alcoholics. They're opioid addicts. From pain relief straight to heroin. And it's a different thing. It's like the AA program helps them, but it's not the same. It's like these people, their database has been compromised and altered. They're...

I don't know if, can opioids affect your genetic makeup over time? Can they alter? - Lose teeth. - Your DNA? Yeah, they can definitely alter your fucking. - Your grill is affected by sugar. - Your grin.

But yeah, yes, opioids can alter DNA, which may contribute to opioid use disorder, these changes. So then you're not even talking to a human then. You're dealing with someone who's been compromised by a drug. Yeah, yeah, they're not people anymore. And why is this not being talked about all the time? Every city in America, Democrat and Republican, are failing under this, and no one's doing shit about it.

That's not even what I'd tell them. At least they stopped them from doing it. But now they have another new anti... What's that? There's a new opioid I just saw that they were putting up. You think they just rebranded and came back? Like a college bar that gets busted for underage and they go, it's a new name now. It's my brother runs it. It's a different company.

Oh, that's the best. That's the best. Bro, when I was in college, they had this group of gay fellas that would come and they'd fist fight. It was called, I've said it before, we'll beep this part out, but it's called Fist Fights, right? And it was their company. They came. It was gay men would come. You pay five bucks, go there, you get a beer, and you get to watch fights. And they would beat the living shit out of each other, dude. Wow.

Pretty cool. In Texas, they have a bunch of midget wrestling. Yeah. And it's just like signs for it. It's not like a hidden back room thing. Yeah. It's a cockfighting of the. Have you ever been to a cockfight? No. But there is midget versus rooster or whatever. Oh. Right near the border. How about midget versus gay? Yeah.

We gotta make odds on all these things. Three midgets, two gays. You know, what's the like over under? - Ooh, three midgets versus two gays? - And then what kind of gays are we talking about? Is it like luck of the draw? - Yeah, are you talking Ariana Grande fans or are you talking like hardcore? - Mateo can take somebody. He's strong enough. - Oh yeah, he's very strong. - Yeah, but can he fight? And can he fight down? - I bet he could. - You gotta be able to over cut. - I think he auditioned for Newsies and got pretty far. So I bet he could.

Dude, don't pick that fight. You're not going to win that. Yeah, you're going to win this fucking. Is that Carlos Mencia? Why does he dress like Carlos Mencia? Is that crazy to say that? Looks a little like Shane in the face. He's dressed like Mencia.

And he's got a face like Shane. Shane Gillis? Yeah. How can you even see that's in eight picks? Let me see when he turns. Pause it when he turns and we see his face. There. That's Shane, bro. That's Shane, bro. He's one of my friends. That's Shane. Tell me it's not. Okay. Okay.

look at you give her five that's a new commercial right there that's him wow that's great he's wearing an eagle's hat that is so great oh that's great what uh what were we just talking oh but what's the new drug you see it nick

This is a non-opioid that was just... Yeah, there we go. FDA approved novel non-opioid treatment for moderate to severe acute pain. Yeah, that's what they need. Yeah, this just happened. Jurnavix, J-O-U-R-N-A-V-X, is the first drug to be approved in this new class of pain management medicines. 50 milligram oral tablets, a first in-class non-opioid analgesic to treat moderate to severe acute pain in adults. But wouldn't you just get addicted using this? But does that mean you don't... But it's non-opioid. Maybe it's not addictive. Yeah.

That's what I'm wondering. Do you not feel... Melatonin, you know, which helps you go to sleep? Not melatonin. Melatonin? Yeah. But then sleeping pills would become addictive. Melatonin is like, it's fine. So there's not opioids in here? What the fuck's an opioid, too?

Targeting a pain signaling pathway. So unlike opioids, which act on receptors in the brain, Jernavix works by targeting a pain signaling pathway involving sodium channels in the peripheral nervous system. A lot of words I didn't know in that. Yeah. Blocking pain signals before they reach the brain. So it's stopping the signals instead of the receptors in the brain. Oh, this is like the difference between LimeWire and Napster. Yeah. It's like pretty much the same, but it works different. Yeah.

That's a good comparison. Thanks. Evidence of non-addictive properties. Clinical data showed no evidence of withdrawal or drug-seeking behaviors in patients. That's it. Right. The drug does not activate opioid receptors or induce euphoria. Well, they said the thing with oxycodone, whatever, was that they were like, well, what about getting off it? Like, we haven't seen any problem with that. And they go, did you test for that? And they go, no, we did not.

And so it's like, how do you know how hard it is to withdraw? You've never tested it. Meanwhile, people are just fucking sleeping in fucking baby beds and shit. God, those lean backs are fucking crazy right now. Opioids are a class of drugs that interact with opioid receptors in the brain and body to reduce pain perception and produce various effects that can be natural, semi-synthetic, or synthetic chemicals.

- Well, I don't know, but yeah, they gotta do something. That's a good one to tell them. - Yeah. - backlers. 'Cause once you them, the rest, they're like, eh, let's get approval for this first. - Yeah, people will start to, I think, be a little bit unnoticed. There'll be some sort of, yeah, 'cause they're serial killers. I don't understand how they were not. - They're serial killers. They're mass murderers. And they go, well, it's a company. You know what they did in China? They were testing for purity for baby formula. And so one company put an additive in to make it test pure.

to go from like 96 to 99. But that additive ended up killing 12 babies. Yeah. And the government found out. There's no bureaucracy there. They hung the board, the whole board. And they're like, no, the company has it. No, you guys killed babies. Is that true? Yeah. So it's like, we're done with this. Yeah, I want to see that.

They just hung him. You can't just do, you can't break the law and kill babies. You're out. You're out. Yeah. And hopefully this will be a sign to everybody else. Yeah. There's enough Chinese. They might not have been the ones that might've been different ones. Come on, Theo. I'll say this. If you show me 40 Chinese, dude, I don't know how I'd feel. You know,

You're just going on the same one over and over again? Be honest. Well, it's kind of like this. One time this lady paid us to go get her cats in her yard or whatever, and she was very old, and she would give us, I think, a quarter for each cat that we brought in. Yeah. And me and my buddy William just kept bringing the same two cats in over and over again. Fucking. When I had to get my visa to play China, I went in there, and they're like, what are you doing there? I'm like, I'm working. I got gigs. I'm like, you're working? Where's your letter of invitation from the government? Where's your $50,000? And I'm like,

I don't know. It's like early when you go to China. I mean, Canada, you have to tell them you're just visiting a friend. Yeah. It was that too. I didn't realize. So I called the promoters. I was like, what do I do? They go, only Bieber can afford the proper channels to play China. Go back in there and tell them you're just there to see the Great Wall. And I'm like, but I was just in there. And he goes, so you know how we can't tell them apart? It's a two-way street. No. Yeah. He goes, just go right. Try not to go to that window. But if you do, it won't matter.

And I got called in that window. She goes, hi, how you doing? I thought she was fucking with me. I'm like, here to do some traveling in China. Okay. That was it. Did you go with the same group that I went with? Did you go to? I didn't go with that Lee guy. I went with Turner Sparks and Andy Curtain. No, it was a different group, I think.

That was one of the best things about doing comedy, man, was just the places you got to go. You couldn't afford it. No. And you just never would have been able to do it. And it flew you to fucking Suzhou, China, Guangxi, and all these places. You're like, dick jokes are paying for this. Yeah. It was wild. And you meet the local scenes. I'm like, there's a comedy scene in Hong Kong. That was the best, man. It was so cool. Iceland. You're going to Australia and there's weird spots.

Yeah, we went to one right there. That's Guantanamo Bay. You played Guantanamo Bay. With Mike. That's in Cuba? Yeah, who's that guy on The Right Guy? Jewish guy, too. Mike. E? No. Smoothie? Mike Costa with us? Patrick DeGear. That's Costa. Yeah, it looks like Costa. Patrick DeGear, Mike Costa. Who's Patrick DeGear? The blind one.

Yeah, Patrick DeGere. Yeah, he's blind. That's you on the left? Yeah. Damn. I had good hair back then. Look how angry your hair is. Yeah, zoom in on it, man. And that kid never nutted inside a chick? Never. What an idiot. That's a nutter. That's a nutter guy. That was his time. Bro, he nutted in his shampoo bottle a few times. You never won a title in your prime. Yeah. Wow. Fuck, I was young as fuck.

Damn. I was doing good. You look like Dane Cook there. Yeah, bro. Dane and Shane. Shane, get that off the ground. Come on, NBC. Make a comeback. So you just went all over. Look at that. That's the Guantanamo Bay Lighthouse behind you. Went to Guantanamo Bay. Isn't it so fucking cool you can go out places like that? Crazy. Went to the A. Dude, Guantanamo Bay, I didn't realize, first of all, nice golf courses there.

Underrated. You'd never know it. We got to see the prisoners play some volleyball. Wow, really? Yeah. Did you play in your jeans and no shirt like in Top Gun? No. They wouldn't let us get that close to them or whatever. And some of them had blindfolds on or whatever, but they were still playing. Unbelievable. Just to do like to get out in the yard or whatever and have a... Oh, the prisoners. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, they had these...

They could play volleyball? Iguanas down there, foxes, rodents, unique animals. They had a beach, this thing called Glass Beach. It used to be glass, but it all was rounded out now. From the tides? Where else did they send you? Azores. We went to the Azores, which is somewhere. Is that Portugal? Yes, off the coast of Portugal, between Portugal and America. Pretty amazing. What about you?

I just remember I saw Paul Morrissey today. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Three-point Paul. He's a basketball player, too. He's great. We got flown to Switzerland, Montreux, Switzerland, for a festival. Yeah. And then we made a deal with each other. Like, let's keep going places. Yeah, Iceland, Australia, but the China gigs, those weird gigs, Dominican Republic. And you're just like, I'm here. You went to Dominican Republic? Mm-hmm. And you're just here on their dime.

The anchorage gigs. Oh, I never did that. Those were good. They take you on either a thing above the glaciers or deep sea fishing. Me and David Taylor were deep sea fishing. We cut one open right there. It had all these dots in it. He's like, what's that? He's like, well, it's eggs. It's pregnant, so it's eggs. And he goes, is that caviar? Yeah. Can you eat those raw? Yeah, he showed us and ate it. And David's like, I'll have some right out of the thing. Every pregnant one we found, David just started filling up on it.

Did he get sick? So sick. You're not supposed to fill up on caviar on a boat. Yeah, dude. Especially when you're poor. You can barely afford a burrito and you're eating fresh out of the womb caviar. Bro, if somebody brought caviar to me, I'd fucking... Served in a womb. I'd fucking serve a sword to their neck, dude. You can't fucking eat caviar if you're poor, dude. Yeah, that doesn't go. Your stomach's like, chill out, f***.

You know, your system can't handle it. God, those gigs were good. They just fly out somewhere and it was just like on their dime. And you're just like, they cover the hotel. They let you know where to stay. There's no arranging. You never made any money. Yeah, right. But it was just like broke even. Maybe. But then like you're living like on a vacation to the level I can barely afford now. Yeah. All covered.

It was so cool. Dude, we went one time to, what's the blue stuff that they put in drinks? They put it in like a. Oh, Curacao? Yes. Boom. That place. It's an island. Oh. So we went there. You went there on comedy? Yes. Zoom out from the map. I want to see where this is on the map. Go and then slowly zoom out. Yeah. Yeah. Night near Bonaire. Okay. Out, out, out. Where the fuck is this? They keep moving. I really don't know what content it is yet. Me neither.

Okay, in the Caribbean. Every couple years they move this place somewhere else. It's like the Isle of Lost. We went. Go look at a picture of it, dude. It is like a small place. There's only one area that has a few buildings, and then there's this military base there, but they manufacture this blue liqueur there. Yeah, that's the area. It's very small. It's beautiful. It's beautiful, but there's nothing. I mean, this is it, right?

And then we went to this military place. I think we did a show. And then they had they put us up in these rooms. And then you go into the facility where the rooms were like and it just kind of looked like a bear, like almost like a community college type of like an old high school, just like the cinder block kind of wall, you know, with painted over and stuff. Then we opened the door to this one room and it was.

The most eccentric, craziest room I'd ever been in. Dulled up? Yes. Like I think fancy like operatives or somebody came down there every once in a while and they put them up in this crazy place and probably get them some chicks or whatever. But it was unbelievable. We went with cheerleaders from Houston Texans cheerleaders. What? Yeah. That's when you would have nutted. Yeah. Should have. Who's that? That's the room I was in. Wow. Me and Jay Davis were in it. That is crazy.

But every other room was normal, and then they had this one room that was crazy. It had mirrored ceilings, heavy cocaine vibes, me and Jay Davis. Yeah, that was a coke vibe for sure. Yeah. It was just crazy. There was me and him just- Wait, back up. We had some women. Are you in shape there? I was in shape. God damn, bro. I used to- Wait, what? Yeah. That's you on the left. I used to jerk myself off. That's how good looking I was.

Damn, dude, you need to lower those pants a little bit. Show that V. What? Holy shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. B-L-M, dude. I don't know what's going on over there.

But that was pretty amazing. That's cool. But yeah, going places like that was unbelievable. Military, you ever do any of the ones where you were in like Iraq? No, I just had Nate and Louis Katz and Joe List on my podcast about going to Kuwait with a stopover in Istanbul. And it's just like that same thing of like, what are we doing here? It's all paid for and set up.

Yeah, that was crazy. And you just thought you were like, this is crazy. Because when you grow up, you're like, I'll probably never go there, ever, let alone on someone else's dime.

Yeah, they had a woman in a black. Yeah. They had a woman gave me a BJ. You'd be tripping. A blackhawk. A BJ and a blackhawk on the ground on a on. They arranged that for you. No, she arranged it. OK. She arranged it. And she said, oh, the airfield is on. I don't know what it was like on my unattended or something tonight. But yeah, pretty cool. And then what else? Oh, another. Wait, wait, wait.

Wow, I know pretty neat. I think that was in which he hold your hand and make a man out of you I don't know what happened. Well wait, you got a blowjob in a Blackhawk helicopter pretty cool Did she leave no man behind or she like I don't remember. I remember she had a huge Kind of zit on her neck or like a goiter or something You're looking at that the whole time she was like Philly or something like the way to longer something. Oh

But really a sweet gal. Seems nice. Oh, there was another group that went jogging in the morning in the Air Force, and she slipped over into my little cabin or whatever. She slipped out of line of the jog? And I couldn't get an erection. I was too freaked out or something. I thought they were going to come over with guns. I didn't fucking know how the military works. Where was this? This was in somewhere near Kuwait, Arafjan or one of these bases or something.

Pretty cool. Wow. Those were good. Yeah, it was good. A good time. It was good for everybody. It was just cool. They would take you out in the middle of nowhere. You'd shoot a bunch of guns, you know, and just... That was Kuwait? Yeah. You went to Kuwait? Yeah, whatever the one in Iraq...

Air of John that's where we flew in then went to these forward operating bases. I think that's what they went to I think I might be the same one. It's pretty great So yeah the special let's get a little bit more about it. I want to know about are you torn off of it now? Is it gonna be a not torn off a different hour? Okay. Yeah, I'm torn a little bit for like till April then I'm gonna take about a year and a half off Yeah the road you always do a good job of that is taking time You're the one guy who's always like dude you got to take some time off for yourself And I'm like I will and then I never do yeah, I always try to get you to yeah you do yeah, I

You could. I know. One of them that I will. Yeah. One day I'll just take time off forever, you know? I think that's probably maybe my goal. Save it up and then go. Yeah, just like when people save up their PTO or whatever. Save it up to the end once you quit. Like, I get all that. Oh, that's the wrong way to live. You think? You should be taken along the way. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm going to go backpacking for like six, eight months, just traveling. You've been to pretty great places over the years. I went to Cuba this year with Bobby Kelly. Did you really? Yeah. We were there for Hurricane.

That's not why we went. We went to get away from the election. No way. Yeah, we got there on Monday. We didn't find out who won until Sunday. Wow.

They don't even have elections there. You're like, what happened to the election? Like, I don't know what that word means. Electiones? No se. No se. Wow. What was it like there? I mean, it was pretty wild. You can see, like, the remnants of what it would have been, the extravagance. Same buildings. They have an embargo there. That's one thing I tell Trump. Like, come on, end that already. They're just poor people now for no reason. And so what does that mean they have an embargo? So you can't – they won't trade with America. They won't trade with anyone who trades with America.

- To a degree, I think. - So we won't trade with, did we do that or they did that? - We did that. - Okay. - And so Obama ended it and opened up travel and everything. Trump put back on the embargo, but you can still travel. And then Biden also stayed full embargo, but you can still travel. So there's 20 flights a day from Miami and Houston. - Okay, so you can travel to Cuba. - You can't bring back cigars, can't bring back alcohol. - And we don't do trade with them. - Yeah, and so that means they can't grow extra stuff and trade. All their sugar cane, all their tobacco,

They can't – there's no reason to grow extra because they can't – it'll just rot. So there's just poverty there. So it's just poverty. But it's also just poverty because the government takes – probably like funnels a lot of the money just to themselves, right? Yeah, sure. They're doing okay. But that hurricane, they evacuated everyone they had to evacuate like really well. There was three people rushed to the hospital. That's it during a type 3 hurricane. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, the whole island lost power for two days. So there was no power in the entire country for two days. So that was like weird. But then we just wander around outside afterwards, just like looked at the devastation. Hmm. U.S. business conducting trade or commerce. Current embargo status. Interests. Yeah. President Donald Trump won't take office for second term on January 25th. So if you reverse several actions taken by the outgoing Biden administration.

Well, that happens a lot. Like the one, like, so for a couple of days that things are changed, right? So, you know, I think I know what this is. So Diaz told me this, gave me a clue. They wouldn't, Florida didn't vote for Hillary Clinton because they'd ever forgave Bill Clinton for giving back Elian Gonzalez. Cause they, those Cubans that fled and went to Florida who, who are all, and they, they breed, you know, so there are a lot of them. They hate the, the Castro regime over there. And then anything you can, they tell their grandkids, you can never visit Cuba. Fuck that place.

And so they were mad at them giving this kid back to his real father. He should be in America. So they just hate him. So it took Obama for like, well, I've already run twice and won. So I'm not going to run for a third term. So now I can end this embargo. If he didn't, Florida goes against him. So Trump, same thing. He's like, I want that Cuban vote. Let's put that embargo back on. Biden too. I want that Cuban vote. Put that embargo back on.

Yeah. Florida's a big vote. It ain't Maryland. Yeah. If it was Maryland, they're like, I don't care. Florida's a lot of points, right? Yeah. So I'm hoping he's like, well, I'm already in. Dang. Yeah. So it's just whatever. So then when you go, they're like, can you bring anything? Like, yes, light bulbs. Or it's not even expensive. Like, we just can't get shit here. Batteries. A battery charger? We would love that. Huh. Yeah. So he was like, hey, the hurricane's coming. We're going to lose power. Charge everything. Wow.

- Yeah, that's wild. You don't even think about the things you would need suddenly. - Yeah, so you can see all the buildings. They look kind of decrepit, but if you blink and imagine it with a clean coat of paint, you're like, oh yeah, this would've been the vacation spot. - Maybe one day it will be again. Well, I guess, well, you guys went there for a vacation. How was it? - I loved it. I had so much fun. - Could you go to the beach and stuff? - Smoked cigars all day. I went to the beach and nobody was on it. They cooked you a lobster right there for $10.

It was so cool. It was so much fun and freeing. I got to practice my Spanish. So it's a great place to go. God damn. And we didn't get out of Havana. We would have gotten out except for the hurricane kind of put a damper on it. But it was a cool experience anyway. But like, yeah, I would love to go back. I would love to go to Trinidad, like the city of Trinidad in Cuba and the east. Was there a nightlife there when you went? Dancing and music. That Cuban music. We went to what's left of Buena Vista Social Club. I was dancing. They picked me up to dance.

This fucking hot black chick, like Caribbean black chick. Yeah. Just danced with me. And I was like, I remember a little salsa class. Saltwater Sisters, baby. Yeah. I was going for it. Dude, it felt so good. It was so fucking fun. Yeah. Everyone's out. Everyone's smoking and just casually smoking those cigars and just like drinking. Are they busting on you? Do they bust on you because you're American? No, not at all. One guy goes, I know it's not you. I know it's your government. And I was like, I wasn't even thinking about it.

- Wow, we went when I was a student, we went. - I wanna get you on my podcast about that year. - When I went there, semester at sea? Okay, dude, I'll come talk about that. I never talk about it. - I met a guy, it would go perfectly with that pod, but also like-- - Journey, what's it called, the trip? - You be trippin'. Just about a place you've been, but I haven't had ocean as any.

But like I met a guy in my neighborhood. I never talk about that whole trip. We were talking. Do you know Theo Vaughn? I was like, yeah, yeah. It's a friend of mine. And he goes, I was on a boat with him once. And I was like, oh, weird. And he goes, no, no, no. It was like a six month thing. Yeah. I got to get his name. See if you remember. I got to remember his name. Semester. Is he white guy? Yeah. White guy. James. James was his name. James. But anyway. Yeah. And I was like, oh, that'd be perfect. That sounds so cool. Oh, it was great.

Yeah, semester at sea. It was like a floating school. Took off out of Canada, out of Vancouver over there, and just went around the whole world. Finished in Florida. We stopped at Cube on the way. You did? On the way back, yeah. Fidel came and spoke to us, too. It was pretty crazy. Really? Yeah. What? But then we just tried to get out. Oh, dude, I'll tell you this fun thing that happened. So we went out, and nobody spoke any Spanish or whatever. We would just do like that if somebody talked to us in Spanish, you know? Yeah.

We can fucking just do that in order in order a Cuba Libre, you know, oh man, they're great there. Oh, yeah Yeah, we went to the Havana Club. Yeah, I got pick it as no so hard for so long So long I have a picture of I can't show it. It's being too much hate but hard workers over there hard. No, there's a white guy Pollution

Yeah. A lot of people will travel over there. It's different in Cuba. The flick goes further. And then, so we were at this thing. We're just walking down the streets. And finally, we find this kind of party going on. It looked like it was some people. There was like a birthday cake and stuff for this old guy. And these people like were drinking and we were drinking. So we all just start kind of dancing in this little kind of foyer area, like off this street.

the edge of this house and stuff and we're hanging out and stuff and we're singing happy birthday and dancing and then you start to realize I look over and this old guy is going down on this woman they were hookers that they'd hired for this birthday these two old dudes had hired some hookers for their birthday what and we're just fucking there like cutting the cake with them and shit we're like what the fuck are we doing bro there's a lot of hookers there yeah was there yeah I didn't get any you see them though I'm like I haven't seen any hookers and you notice like oh yeah yeah that oh yeah that

They're like, hi. And you're like, yep. They're just different. Yeah, that was. And then we had to go get bread and cheese. You got what? We were staying with a guy. And they were like, should we help? Should we help? He goes, no, no, I got it. I got you. And then when the hurricane was coming, like, should we go out and get supplies? And he goes, yes. Like, he was like, oh, shit, you're worried.

So we're like on the hunt for bread and cheese and everywhere we went, they're like, we're out, we're out. And then Bobby Kelly was like, all right, let's go. Let's go to the next place. We got to go. And he goes, well, hold on. There's cookies here. I'm like, Bob, it's not a cookie time, dude. Let's go. So what else do you see? An alcoholic with a dessert. It's hard. It's fucking. It's a replacement.

What else did you see there? What else did we see? We went to a baseball game. Ooh, I miss doing that. And when we left, we were throwing everything we had off of the edge of the ship, like tennis shoes, just because they didn't have, like, just things that, like, we're like, what are we going to do? Take this shit. We don't even fucking care. Who cares? Because you kind of made friends with the people while you were there. They had this guy named Henry that was taking us around, and he...

And it was just so we're just throwing everything we had just off the edge of this boat. Just take it. Yeah. Take it here. Okay. All kind of stuff. Yeah. Cause they could use it. It was, that was pretty awesome. That was really great. Yeah. It's crazy that they don't have access.

It's weird when you go to another place and see a cultural difference that you hadn't even noticed before. Like, oh, I have access to shoes when I want it. I might not be able to afford them, but I can get them. Yeah. And they had horse meat. That's what they served us at this conference. They served us horse meat. And then they had also, like you wore this...

translator machine so whenever uh fidel was talking the speakers were talking you could hear what they were saying whoa and then some people got to ask him questions and shit one kid got him to sign his passport fidel castro signed wow that's a perfect thing to sign sign somebody's passport wow pretty fucking cool this you met fidel castro a little slurper i don't know if i met him i don't think i did but you saw him yeah we saw him he came and spoke to us like 600 students or maybe

And then I'm trying to think of anything else that happened that was super great over there.

I just have them pretty quick and we just drank with like a lot of like homeless people. Like a lot of times you would pull in, you're on a boat docks. You were always like around like homeless people and shit and wherever boat docks are. Right. That's not, that's not the typical vibe of a city. Right. Like sometimes it was like cool, like Miami. And then sometimes it was like, you were in like Jersey, you know, like you just, it was hit or miss, you know, some of these ports you went into. So you'd roll off thinking like, Oh, we're going to be in the lap of like some cool area. And you just be in like the industrial and the docks, you know, like in Belfast or something. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Who would go here? No one in LA goes to where the ships dock. People are just getting fucking wasted. It's just...

I've been at sea for nine months. Get me hookers and drugs now. Oh, dude, all the staff that worked on the cruise ship, they were from like Trinidad and Tobago and stuff like that. And so they would all go get hookers the second that the boat docked. You'd see them file out like ants just to go get hookers in these different countries. I went last year, Trinidad and Tobago. Yeah? For a carnival. Was it nice? It was so much fun. For a carnival, I dressed the whole outfit with the big fucking feathers and everything.

He'd just dance and drink for days. - Wow. - It was so much fun. - Who'd you go with? - A chick. I met my friend, my friend's in line to be the prime minister there from college. - Really? - Yeah, his dad was the prime minister and then when I met him he was the ambassador of America. - White guy, Tobagin? - No.

- Dark skinned black. - Dark skinned black. - Yeah, they only have Indians and blacks there pretty much. - Oh yeah. - But everyone's dancing, whining on each other. They're whining on me. They were playing This Is Not Happening for some reason on loop. - No. - On loop. So like for like four hours a day, they were playing This Is Not Happening in Trinidad. No residuals. And so I was getting recognized in Trinidad and Tobago. Some chick was like, "Are you Ari Shaffir?" And I was like, "Yeah." She goes, "Can I whine on you?" I'm like, "Yeah."

That's what they do there? Yeah. It's not even sexual. It's just like backing it up right on your ass and just rub it and they just go all the way down. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's great. And what do they call it? Wind on you? Winding. Winding. It's their dance. Winding. And it's toboggan? I guess so. Wow. Steel pan, all that shit. It was so fucking cool. Oh.

Love that what do you notice after traveling to some of these places? What do you what are the things you miss about America? And what do you think are the things that we lose by being such a capitalistic environment food is cleaner other places Okay, like in Cuba, they don't have much but they don't have like chemicals to put in there either, right? And then it's it's like the need to like work for life. Oh, she's teaching how to wine I might have watched this video before I went yeah, I

And what do you do? Stand there? Stand there. You can lift one leg around them. Try to go down with them. I mean, you can't do it. But they're like, it's funny, the white guy trying. But they're not mad at you for being there. There's so few whites. There are? Yeah. Yeah. I think the Rio one has more. Whoa. Pregnancia. That's when you really, that's when your nuts go missing right there.

Wow. Jesus, lady. I know. Alto, alto. I caught a pickpocket in Croatia one time. Got a picture with him. He pickpocketed you? Called him fucking just like that. And then you're like, I'm not mad at you. Let's just take a picture. Let's get a photo of you. And he ran off. Little guy. Little fucking five-year-old ghost thieving. He's crazy. He's like, hey, no. He's like, all right. Yeah. Fair is fair.

- Yeah, it's just like you notice like, oh, we have some good things where we are. You get to appreciate that. But then also like the need to work as your method of reward. It's like nah, it shouldn't be that. It should be work to play. - Like how much value we put on that. - Yeah, it's like never any work till you die. And there they're like, they work for the weekend. You try to go towards like some fun. So there they have like carnival season. It's a month plus long, parties, parties, parties.

It's great. Jouvet. Everyone's like throwing paint on each other and mud. Jouvet. Jouvet. Jouvet. It's like Jouvert. That's in Trinidad? Yeah, it's the night before. So you're up all night. You get two hours of sleep and go back to drinking and whining. Yeah, that's Jouvet. Jouvet. J-O-U-V-R-T. Everyone's fighting with...

And they're fist fighting? No. They're fighting with paint. No. Okay. Yeah. They're in a great mood. It's all pretty safe. Let's look about Jouvet. Can you find me any information on it? It looks beautiful. It's the day before. So color. A traditional carnival celebration in many countries throughout the Caribbean. The parade is believed to have its foundation in Trinidad and Tobago with roots steeped in French Afro-Creole traditions. Wow. Such as Canboulet. Canboulet. What is that?

Yeah, it's all so fucking weird click on and it comes from like some weird version of like Christianity and Sutton slavery celebrating Oh, yeah, can Boulay is a precursor to Trinidad and Tobago Carnival The festival is also where Calypso music has its roots. Mm-hmm steel drum You know why they did steel jump cuz they outlawed drumming because they were like you're you're like riling people up So like let's get these abandoned steel drums like the oil drums will make music out of that go back to that

Wow. Isn't that fun? It was so fucking fun.

So he showed us how to do it, my friend Brian. Dude, that's so cool. You look like a native, bro. Yeah, I got lost in it. You look so native. It was so fun. I mean, they party. They do it right. There's no status. There's no any of that. Like, what do you mean they party? They go to let loose. Like a Filipino lady and like all the Filipinos in like China and stuff, when it's the weekend, they party. They just dance on the docks together. Right. They go for it. They're like, let's let loose.

It's not about like which table am I at? Who's going to be here? Yeah. It's the party for the sake of party. And it's like the downstairs on the Titanic. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Everything else just gets a little bit fucking ridiculous out here. I think you definitely notice that more in big cities. Yeah. Club life. Clubbing in Europe is about like doing drugs and dancing. Yeah. And here it's about like bottle service and velvet ropes. Prestige. Yeah. Yeah. That kind of stuff starts to disappear once you even get out of, I feel like, some of the bigger cities. Yeah.

I always noticed too that Australians travel the most. Yeah. It's like they go do it. It's how they –

We can't even comprehend it. You see one in the audience like, oh, what are you doing here? It's like, I'm on holiday. And you're like, oh, so just LA in the back? Like, no, LA, Vegas, Miami, and then Copenhagen, London, whatever. Like, how long are you going for? What field of dreams are we going to? There's always like one outlier thing they're going to see. Yeah. It's like, why nobody goes there? I want to see Mickey Rooney's grave over there.

Yeah, they go for like two months. I know. It is really incredible. It's almost like that Amish thing. What's the – where they go? Rumspringa. Rumspringa. Yeah. Australians almost had that. We're like, I'm going to go see the world. And Australians, all they really want to do is try the different Cokes from around the country. Oh, they like doing cocaine? Yeah. They love it. And they have the worst. They love it the most and have the worst.

Yeah, so it's like imagine you dunking I love to dunk but I can't really do it because I can't really do it But then you go to like the moon and you're like I can dunk now All you want to do is just don't call day Yes Just fucking jumping right past the Sun Would you see that picture that just came up about Mars you see that what about it? They found this crazy thing on there's a photo if this photo is real. Did you see that Nick? Yeah, they found like a perfect square on Mars. How are you talking about? Yeah, what?

It's kind of fascinating. That's unsettling. That ain't perfect. Oh! Mysterious square-structured fighter-to-Mars behind branded Wild has space fanatics completely baffled. Yeah, that's a straight line. Yeah, I'm trying to see if we can get a clear picture of it. I'm sure they were, too. Yeah, facts.

Oh, that's it right there. So you start to wonder, like, because your mind also starts to say, well, okay, that's a square. But also it's like, is it just like right there? The rocks broke down just that way. That's not, it's like Bigfoot shit. It really is. Or UFOs. Every time a UFO, like, look at this. I'm like, I can't see context. Yeah. That looks like a dot. And the shittiest thing for me is UFOs have been in the water recently. Do you hear that a couple, like a month ago? Yeah. Why wouldn't they hide in the water? And you're like, okay, so you're telling me this whole time we've been looking up.

And they're down. And they're down. Oh, you tricksters. It's like part of a Scooby-Doo episode. It's like, what? I'm not worried about them harming me. This was a... They tell me something. Yeah, reply. Tim Burchard said in an interview Wednesday that an admirable whom he did not identify told him an unidentified craft moving at incredible speeds in the sea. It's always incredible speeds. And you're like, how about it's far away?

Look, look, if you have something really far away and it's moving across the screen like that, you're like, that's slow. If it's right here, it's like, oh my God, that's so fast. Yeah. It's just, you can't see the fucking scale. You can't see where it is. But also just, oh, they've been in the water. That's, oh, we were looking up here and they're down there. Have you ever thought to tell us about the water? Oh. Gotta discover it. You gotta be a real scuba do. It kind of makes, yeah. That was good. That was better than the other one. You win the round.

But it was what I was like, this is so fucking dumb dude. Now they're in the water. It's like, so they're not up here. It just was so dumb. Yeah. Where else are they going to be? Yeah. Where's next in the fridge? Um, where do you want to go? Still Argentina? Yeah. You know, a place map that for me. Let's see where the women swim. Like, like swine. Let me see it. You know how to spell that. Yeah. How do we spell it?

I mean, it's up to you, really. Yeah, it's up to fucking you, bro. It's up to you, boy. Mira Loche. Mira Loche. Why that place? Where'd you hear about that? You just heard about it from somebody? It's so funny when you hear about something when you're a kid and you just remember it forever, you know? You're like, yeah, I gotta go there. Time with Bon Jovi. Wow.

Also gets cold there too. Oh, it looks perfect. It does look perfect. San Carlos de Berroloche. Looks beautiful. Halifax is beautiful. You've been there. I just went for the first time. Did you? I've been trying to go to Eastern Canada for so fucking long and my Jews just keep telling me it's not worth it for the money. And I'm like, I want to go. And they go, fine, only winter. I'm like, no, no. You got to be outside during that. Yeah. Like you'll draw less. I'm like, who? Guys. Guys.

Get me out there. And I finally went. I loved it. Beautiful. Weird, cool people. Isolated. Yeah. Strange, different people. Real fucking, what's that movie where they put that guy in a box and they burned it alive? I think one of them, I think Nicolas Cage did a remake of it. Matchstick. Match. The Wicker Man? Wicker Man. Is it good? It looks like Wicker Man-ish for sure. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, I love that. La Crosse, Wisconsin was a place that I liked in America. Yeah, outside Mount Pelier.

Very beautiful. It's just like a perfect place. - I've been doing that now a lot when I meet somebody from another country. I'm like, what's your tips? And they go, oh, well go to Buenos Aires. I'm like, no, no, no, you're from Buenos Aires. Give me a restaurant, a bar, or where you go hiking outside of there. And then they tell me and I put it on Google Maps and I'm like, I'm getting there. - Give me the grassroots. - Bariloche, I'm gonna write that one down. - And that's La Crosse, Wisconsin. I think it's one of the best little cities. - Bariloche? - Bariloche, yeah. Where the women swim like swine.

Oh, yeah, there you go. There's Granddad's Bluff over there. Bariloche. Oh, yeah, bro. That's what we need, more Bariloche. In America, yeah, and then I would say in America, probably I would go with La Crosse, Wisconsin is a place that I really think is a great place to go tour or see. Just nice. It's like if you thought of an ideal place in America. Yeah. Like especially like...

Where like in the fall, the leaves change color and it's like as a cool mountain, but you can still ride your bike everywhere you wanted to in town as a kid. And you have just enough of a little downtown with like some three-story buildings where you're like, oh, that's downtown. Cool enough, two bars. Yes. And everything, but some cool old shops and stuff downtown where it really feels cool. How many people live there in La Crosse, Wisconsin? 52,818. So a good enough size too where it's like, you know, you'll have some neighbors, you have some good sporting events and stuff like that.

You're close enough to drive to Green Bay to cheer for the Packers. But yeah, just beautiful. Right, right. But far enough away that we don't go. Right. This is their downtown. So everything is just kind of perfect. This is where DeRosa lives in Pennsylvania, a city like this. Yeah? Yeah. Like an hour outside Philadelphia. Pennsylvania's got some beautiful places. Yeah. But like a small downtown just like that. And he's the mayor. Wow. Yeah. You've got one light.

Yeah. That place is a great spot. That's the kind of thing you do when you're on the road where it's like, all right, I'm going to stay a few days longer or go a few days early, chill out, then do my shows or stay there and drive in for your shows and go back. Yeah. So you have all day.

Yeah, I want to do some more. I think maybe after this year, then I would just get a camper and do a year where I just go around the country, do some interviews with regular people in different places. You're good at that, too. I saw you interview a school bus driver once. Go touring. Who do we interview? Did you have a school bus driver or a bus driver? We have a hostage negotiator coming on soon. No, somebody more regular. And we got a Native American. A couple years ago. We had a female long-haul trucker, a mortician.

Lunch lady. Maybe it's mortician. Maybe it's lunch. But yeah, that normal shit that you can get a lot out of them. That'd be fun. Yeah. Who'd drive the RV? You? Or you could have somebody else be driving it or switch off. Probably switch off. I've driven a lot. Or if I have a family at that point. You're looking? I got to get a family at some point. Well, if you do that, guess what you're going to have to do first? Nut inside. Nut inside, buddy. That's it. It's for you. It's all there. You don't say.

That would be cool. Me and O'Neal and Matt Edgar did one where we did Spokane and we did Tacoma. No, Tacoma then Spokane. So two days there, two days there. In the interim, we found a fire station, a fire lookout station that had been redone. So it was an hour hike to get up.

There's no roads in. We took all our shit and we stayed up there for like three days doing mushrooms. There's hundreds of acres around us. Wow. There's nothing up there. And it was a 360 deck on top so none of the animals would get at you but you could be out there. You just found it? Yeah, O'Neal found it. And the guy was like, yeah, we own this. We retrofitted it. They don't need these fire lookouts anymore.

And so it was like it was but that's all there if you're willing to take like the week in between Yeah, skiing doing anything. Yeah, I think something is just good like you're like you want to work But then you're like have I done enough work? I don't know but then you start working so much. You don't know what you're doing anymore sometimes - autopilot waste of time It's funny I have two different sets of friends and half of them are like pity me for not buckling down enough and the other half look up to me for for like paying it back in enough and

I think I look up to, I think I always admire the fact that you go and do these fun things that seem to keep you alive. I got a proposition for you. Maybe I'll tell you off air. Okay.

That's fair. Yeah, I want to come on and talk about the semester at sea. That's what I would like to talk about. Okay. Yeah, for sure. And you're doing it in New York? New York, or if we're in Austin together, we can do it then. Okay. Yeah, I have a studio there too. Yeah, that'd be fun to go to the different places. I've never really gone through and thought about. Yeah, you'll think about it. You're going to remember stuff as we go. That's what happens to everybody when they're doing it, when they're doing one of the episodes. They're like, and then I went, oh, that Chick Margaret. Oh, yeah. That moment I love. Dude, we had a girl.

She fucking did a water slide somewhere in like Vietnam, which nobody knew they even had. Yeah. Broke out both of her front teeth and got knocked up by a mariachi player, dude. A mariachi player in Vietnam? I know.

What do you mean we had a girl? I don't know. She was just on the cruise ship, too. Because that would be it. You'd land in a port with the cruise ship. You would take classes while you're on the ship. And the program's called Semester at Sea, and it's amazing. You'd take classes. But then once you got to a city, people could go do whatever they wanted. You could be back when the ship leaves at like, oh, 1700 or something.

So people would come back with drug habits. Some people would come back with amazing stories. People come back with their teeth in their pocket in a fantasy island. It was just some people would people would stay with a couple people like fell in love this fucking stay. They're like, fuck it. People got busted with drugs or whatever, and they just left them there. No. Yeah. Rules are rules, man.

Yeah, wheels up. Wheels up at this time. Yeah, anchors up. So all of that was kind of fascinating. Do you think Fantasy Island was a precursor for Epstein Island? I'm not sure what Fantasy Island was. Was it a real place? No, it was a TV show. Oh, it was? Yeah. I never saw it. With Herbie Villachette or whatever. No, my buddy's dad was in Love Boat. Yeah. Really? What was he in Love Boat? He was the captain, I think. What? He was the captain. Captain Stubing? Yeah, I think so.

I don't know how to spell it. Yeah, him. That was your buddy's dad? That guy. Slung. I guarantee you that guy came inside. You think? Dead at 90. He passed away? He was fucking until he was 88 and a half. Guaranteed. Oh, no. This wasn't his dad then. He was just a captain on a boat. He fell in love on a boat and he was the captain. Yeah, that's it. That's it. I can't. No. My buddy's dad was something else. You're going to not continue it when you're like, no, I'm not lying. I'm not lying about any of these things. Yeah.

I love there was a clip of you on Rogan when you were like, you're doing the Theo thing. You're like, I can't do the actor. Like, man, these bees are just exploding. And Joe just starts laughing. And you're like, yeah, they're exploding. He's like, what are you talking about? Look it up, Jamie. And everyone thinks you're lying. And he goes, yeah, there's exploding bees. And he goes, yeah, what do you mean? Every now and then. I'll tell the truth. You got to sprinkle it. You bring a piece of information that he doesn't have. So.

That's when his mind is blown. How did you know this? Well, he's a library. Imagine going to bed when you're a library. He's a fucking library. It's like you go to the front desk, you're like, hey, do you have this book? And he's like, let me see what I have. And then he shows up with the information that he has. For a pothead, he really remembers quite a lot. Un-fucking-real. That's, I think, I mean, he has a lot of... He's a hard worker, but I think he just has a...

An endless memory. And a lust for knowledge. Yes. He wants to keep feeding it. Genuinely curious. I'm already like, I know enough. Dude, I know so little and I gave up then. I think that was my MO. Ari Shaffir, we got the new special. American Sweetheart. American Sweetheart. On Netflix. On Netflix. Congratulations, man. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, I wanted this one more regular people to see it and less YouTube people. Yeah? Even those lower views on Netflix for people at my level. But it does take time for people to get to it too. Yeah, but then also just like I'm trying to really get through with humor of like chill, chill. Everything's nice. So hopefully some people – I've seen some people feel, hey, I put down the phone all day because that's special. I'm like, great, getting through to you. Yeah, because that's how they really captivate you. Yeah, it's like –

Man. Yeah, the closer is the darkest one. Yeah? Yeah, so get to the closer, I guess. And then I'm on tour. Cool. All over America. The farewell tour before I go backpacking. Man. That's going to be nice, dude. Okay. As soon as we're done, I want to suggest something to you. Okay. Yeah. I'm ready to take a suggestion. Yep. Thank you, guys. America's Sweetheart, Ari Shafir, his tour after the backpacking or before? What?

The tour? The tour's now, and then I'm going to end that and leave. Just go a couple more months of hanging out in New York, having fun, and then take off. Yeah. Take off, and then I don't know. But the You Be Trippin' podcast will still come out on the phone. Banked out. I'm already like 30 ahead just for this. And what a great idea, too. So it's all about trips to be able to take in. Like one trip you took. Come back and tell me about a different trip. Come back and tell me there was a different trip. But you just stay in that place. And it's not like, what am I supposed to do? It's like, what did you do? Right. Yeah.

I fell in love. Danny Palaszczuk was like, I had dengue fever in Laos, but the whole time at a sand floor hospital. Perfect, tell me about it. Fuck. Yeah, I just love it. Sometimes I finish the episodes and I just sit there and sigh. Like, I want to go there. Yeah. And sometimes I'm like, that was bad. I didn't care.

I think so. We do an episode of like, how was that? So I'm like, that was the best ever. And I'm like, you guys are fucking, we're all idiots. It is fascinating how like you'll, the idea of planning a trip is so hectic and then you just plan it.

And then the day comes where you're sitting on the plane and you're like, this is the best decision I ever made. It's the best. You're nervous, you're nervous, I'll do it later. My booker in Romania, he goes, I'm trying to go to Thailand. I couldn't go. And he goes, you know what? I'm buying a ticket. And then I'm going to force myself to go from six months to an hour. If I have the ticket, I'm going. And he did and he went. And then that thing, if you get off the plane, you're still in an airport. It seems familiar. But when those sliding doors open, you go outside and there's a little smell difference. And you just feel like the signs are in a different color.

and you're just like oh here we go it hits you and you're like oh yeah and you just gotta get by the cab drivers are trying to hustle you and you're just like oh it's like it's just the best yeah god it's good yeah we had a taxi took us in vietnam straight to a bird animal place that had hookers in the back so pet shop front hooker back so how do those go together just what a

What a combo. Hey, kid, play with the puppies. Dad's going to go in the back. It was kind of like when you see those Pizza Hut Baskin Robbins or whatever, where there's that merger or whatever. Uh-huh, yeah. You're like, yeah, I'll take a couple scoops. A couple scoops and a wing. Yeah, dude. I'll take a piece of pie and a fucking gerbil.

Ari Shafir, man, you endlessly continue to create content, man, and put your comedy out in the world, man. Yeah, I'm trying to have fun. Yeah, you always do. Thanks. Thanks for coming and hanging out, man. Yeah. Good seeing you, buddy. Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be on a stone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found I can see

In my bones But it's gonna take