E574 Mark Normand
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Today's guest is a stand-up comedian. He has two podcasts, Tuesdays with Stories with Joe List and We Might Be Drunk with Sam Morrill. He's touring all over this year. He's a one-of-one. He's a new father and he has a new series out called...

page to stage where comedians take something from their notebook and you see it build until it gets performed today's guest is a one of one my louisiana brethren mr mark norman are you flying out today

Yeah, my stepdad is sick, so I gotta go see him. Oh, jeez, sorry. I know, I'm bummed. I wanted to be there for Kill Tony. Oh, yeah. Are you doing it? Doing it with Kid Rock, so that'll be, I'm gonna try to, I'm gonna really zing him. That's the only way I can get to him, because if I do it at his house, he'll, you know, sick his security guards on me and call me the N-word. Dude, I didn't know, oh, yeah. Dude, he has a dog that can say the N-word, I saw. Ha ha!

Was it a, what, Black Lab, I hope? Oh, yeah, dude. BLM, bro. Black Labs Matter. Of course it is, dude. Hopefully it's not a German Shepherd. He thought a Black Lab was a place where they tested barbecue sauce. I was like, here, get on mic. That's where they make sickle cell. Yeah, dude. I was like, bro, that's not. I was like, Bob, you got the wrong idea, man. So you're doing Kill Tony coming up? Tonight, yeah. Tonight. Oh, yeah. What is it, the Bridgestone? Oh.

Yeah, very exciting. I feel like Nate Bargatze. Yeah, I know, huh? Have you done one on that big of a level? That's big, man. No, no, I've done arena shows, but I've never done like a panel with jokes and zingers, and that's going to be weird, just making fun of these poor open micers in front of 20,000 people. Dude, and imagine them getting up there, that many people. They're going to be shook. Oh, yeah. How could you have a good set? That's insane. I mean, it's like losing your virginity to...

Pamela Anderson. Well, that's a dated... Who's the new hot lady? Who is it now? No, it's... Rihanna. Who do the kids like? Oh, um...

Sydney Sweeney. That's a good one. Look at the tits on Dickless. God. Oh, wow. Holy hotchy mochy. She seemed like a beautiful young lady, huh? Very attractive. She just got separated from her husband, I think. Oh, hey, you're in. That's slurp lord. I thought about sending her a message, but I don't know what I would say. Eh, say nice yams, bitch. Oh, yeah, that's true, dude.

I think she wants that. No one talks to her like that anymore, so it'll probably turn her on. You think, oh, I'll definitely say something about that vegetation. Yeah, she's got some crop circles. Oh, yeah, brother. Is that the X? That guy looks like an ugly me. Oh, man, I feel great.

Yeah, that guy definitely fumbled the breast. Yeah, right? Yeah, he looks like an Uber driver. Yeah, dude, it would take you 70 minutes to get her bra on, I think. Yeah, that's a lot to compact in there. Oh, you would have to have a buddy. It would almost have to be like two of those guys doing that slingshot thing or whatever. Yeah, it's like trying to get leaves in a bag. Oh, yeah.

Wow. Look, that is a lovely, lovely lady. It's good to know a blonde with huge cans that's back. Fuck yeah. That's a great point, dude. Yeah, she could be anything. We need flight attendants like this now. Ooh, yeah, good. They're all gay now. Oh, they're all gay. Even a woman like you're – I remember trying to hit on this lady, and she'll be like – she's like, I'd love to go out with you, but I'm only going to be a woman for like another week. And I was like, what?

Oh, damn. That's what this flight attendant said. I was like, oh, come on. Good Lord. Where's she connecting? In Transville? I know, dude. Yeah. Transville's vain, yeah? Yeah, dude. Yeah, they're all gay now. They used to be very attractive. It's like these sky homos. They've taken over the air. Yeah, dude. Oh.

It is, dude, I feel like when you get on, you have to protect your straightness. The second you get on there, I lock in, dude. I tell my penis, I say, you know what we're here for. We're just here to get from A to B. Right, right. Okay, do not look around. Yes, yes. They're going to tempt you. It'll be like a kind of a guy, you know, like a guy possibly dressed as a woman walking through with liquor or snacks. Right, yeah.

Or those goldfish. My penis loves goldfish. Oh, I love a goldfish. But do not look over there. You stay straight. We're going to Cincinnati. Exactly. No place straighter than Cincinnati. That is a straight town right there. It is, dude. They eat chili and watch football. Oh, yeah.

But wait, hold on. You said something. Oh, you ever get flattered by the gay love? Yeah. That is very nice when a gay guy is like, hey, cutie or whatever. And you're like, this is pretty good. Yeah. Well, because it's replacing the old thing. It's like you still want the affection. Right.

And now it's like a lot of us didn't even have dads, so it's like they're kind of coming at you with that combo meal. Oh, you get the male attention and flirty. And the female flirty. Yeah, that's good. You get it in one. That's, God, I'd love to be gay. That's a lot of gay guys' thing is don't you want that combo meal. Right. You know? Good point. And you can blow the fucking chrome off your trailer hitch. Oh, wow.

Dude, can you – this is insane to be talking about. Sorry. This is God's country. I'm just going to Cincinnati, okay? You're right. That's all I'm telling you, Mark. All right. I'm already getting a layover. I'm gay over. But, dude, yeah, there's just something like they – yeah, you see them and they – but, yeah, God, could you even imagine some strong guy who was probably like on the –

neck team in college, whatever, some sporting event like the, uh, wrestling. Yeah. Wrestling or something like that. Oh yeah. And he just pins your cock to the back of his throat with his tongue or whatever. Easy. Big fella. Sorry. That's great. That is seems anyone else hard. That seems crazy. You're going to make Morgan Wallen uncomfortable.

Oh, man. Yeah, it's got to be nice to be the gay. What about Glory Hole? Is that real? There was one at... What? You know of one? There was one at Louisiana State when I was at LSU. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. How did I miss that? I went there for a semester. Yeah, bring up Glory Hole LSU. What? They had one, and you know where it was? I think it was in, I want to say the library. Whoa. Damn, they plugged that hole. Look at that. Oh, there's one right there taking a dump in Tarot. That's one of those...

One of the holes there. Oh, there it is right there. Whoa. Look at that. Look at that. Damn. You could even look through there if you wanted to, which is nice. But it's hard to look through there when there's a wiener coming through. Take your eye out. Yeah, dude. Don't be that weirdo that's trying to sightsee at a glory hole. Yeah, you just got to trust the hole. You got to go with it. Whatever comes through, you got to eat it. That's the hole. Dude, that's the original game show right there. Oh.

Yes. That's great. Yeah. Now it's like, I'm thinking of what it's called now. It's like, the floor is lava, dude. Right. Nothing. That has nothing.

on the glory hole is open. That's a great point. Yeah, and you never know who's on the other side. Could be your teacher, your brother, your pastor. I mean, that's a real gamble. Oh, yeah. It could be your pastor. It could be your future, dude. It could be some gay dude you're going to – or woman. Nowadays, even lesbians will stop in there just to couture their jawline. They'll pop into a male glory hole. Yeah, but what about lesbians? They don't have any way to glory. You can't get a clit through that wood girth. No.

I don't know. You put the softball team in there, they'll fucking hit a single at least through that thing. Yeah, Brittany Griner could get something through that hole. That's what put her in jail in Russia, I heard. Have you seen her lately? She looks like Pete Davidson. Yeah, I could see a crossover. Why hasn't she been on SNL, I wonder? Ooh. Brittany, let me see something real quick. Oh, this is awkward. Thank you. Get the fuck out.

Whoa. Look at those dogs walking on water. What religion is this? What the fuck is that? Dude, I've never, bro, that's, dude, this is that new shit, man. This is what's coming now. Right. This is the new Christianity. This will be a story in the Bible one day. Brittany Griner shoots a three-pointer. Yeah, she looks like Deuteronomy. Damn, that was good. Ah, thanks. God, bro. That's a pretty decent start for an episode, I feel like.

Hell yeah. Well, I love Nashville. I love this town. We did the Ryman last night. We did Zany's after that. Drop your mic down a little bit like this. Went to Kid Rock's house. It was a wild night. You did? You went to Kid Rock's? Yeah, we were just out with Tony, and Tony's like, I got a surprise for you. We jump in a car, we drive a half hour, and then bam. We did it. Yeah, exactly. And what a...

What a home. Oh, you go to, there's definitely, was it just him there? Was it other people? It was just him and like a security guy. Oh, yeah, dude. And maybe a slave. I mean, it felt like it. Big, jacked, scary, like marine looking guy. Oh, yeah. A lot of those guys love to cook when they're not fucking like sniping fucking Gazans on behalf of Israel. But, yeah, dude, he. Build that whaling wall. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Dude, I heard the wailing wall. This is the most Israel thing ever. The wailing wall has an ATM in it. Is that right? Is he?

That's hilarious. Is it? I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. You need some cash out there if you're going to buy a little dreidel, some knickknacks. Oh, I'll fucking spin Gimel on that bitch, son. That's all I spin, dude. They used to call me Big Gimel in a lot of back alleys. Jimmy Gimel. Jimmy Gimel Live. In a lot of Yiddish back alleys, they used to call me fucking Jimmy Gimel, dog.

Oh, the willing wall. It should have at least two ATMs at it. I can't even believe this is an issue over there. It's got to have one or at least a glory hole. Definitely, dude. Get that no foreskin through there. Yeah, only in the glory holes in Israel it says FDIC insured. FDICK insured, dude. Nice. There it is. There it is. Holy shit. The only kosher ATM in the world. That's awesome.

It's hilarious. It just takes money from Palestinians. It's not even your account. Yeah, dude. That's crazy. Holy moly. That's hilarious. Wow. Speaking of going abroad, you have shows coming up abroad, man. Yeah, I'm very excited. Going to London, going to Australia. I love those crowds. You do? Oh, yeah. I mean, the flight's a bitch and you get homesick and the jet lag's a real cum guzzler. But I love Australia. I'm pumped. Do you ever go? Yes, man.

Where are you going over there? Let me see some of his dates here. You're going to Reykjavik? Yeah, I think that's Iceland, right? Reykjavik. Oh, Reykjavik. That's how they say it? Yeah, I think so. Oh, Reykjavik. Yeah. It looks like somebody's texting with T9. Look at those vowels and consonants.

Oh, yeah. Jesus, that's like a drunk text. Salford, United Kingdom, Cardiff, United Kingdom, Bristol, United Kingdom, Birmingham, London. Glasgow, you're going to fucking Glasgow, lad. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. Get a Smosh burger, lad. Yeah, get a Glasgow smile. That's where they cut you from here to here. Get a Glasgow smile, you son of a bitch. Terrifying.

Those Scots are really scary. That's going to be incredible, dude. So you have those shows coming up. That's everywhere over there. Yeah, yeah. Doing the whole gamut. Just taking a train from top to bottom. It's kind of shitty because you don't get to see anything. You just do the show and then you leave. But the crowds are great and it's a fun time. You have a couple days off. Couple days off. Yeah, not much. But I get so keyed up, I got to get back. So I just do the shows and I go home. Well, it's hard. That's one of the things people don't realize. You go to these places, people are like, stay, do this and that. But then like...

You do five, six shows. You're on the road then for two weeks kind of. Right, right. Or you try to get into it, and it's like, well, how long are you going to be over? Are you going to be over there for three weeks, a month? I know. I get that FOMO. What's going on in America? You start looking at J.D. Vance memes. You're like, oh, I miss home. He's fat putting Cheeto dust on a president. Oh, yeah, bro. They had –

They had one the other day that said he has up syndrome. This is a picture of J.D. Vance has up syndrome. Oh, that's fun. Look at that guy. I think he loves it, too, which is fun about him. Oh, he has the best sense of humor. I bet he could. I honestly I should send him one of these and see what he thinks about it. Oh, I bet he's seen all of them. I would just scroll through those at dinner if I was him.

Yeah. And look, you can't do that with Obama. You know, that's a, that's a different meme. If you know what I mean. So, uh, it's good to have him be into it. Yeah. I got to see which ones he's into. I think I would like to try and get to interview him again. Cause now he's in there. Right. And I bet it's weird in there. Well, in the white house. Yeah. Oh yeah. Well, you see kid rock over there dressed like a fucking fire, firecracker salesman. Oh,

Oh, he was dressed like a fireman at a glory hole. Yes, yeah, fire crotch. Dude, he was dressed like the Grand Wizard of Cracker Jack. Yeah. Look at that. It looks like he's selling used cars in Bristol, Tennessee. Oh, dude, definitely, dude. This guy looks like he could fucking sign the Constitution with his cock, dude. This guy's –

John Hancock. Yeah. Yeah. Look at this. That is a wild. He's like a, he's a Gatorade. Oh yeah, brother. That's it, dude. If this photo alone doesn't get the tiger King out of prison. Right. What are we even doing? And this has got to scare the, uh, the foreigners. If I was a Chinese motherfucker and I saw that, I go, we can't fuck with them. Look at this guy. He's like a, like an Avenger. Yeah. They're like, we made that shirt, but we didn't know he'd wear it like that.

You think Zelensky sees that? And he's like, shit, I really didn't dress up. Holy, I dress like a ninja. Yeah. He's like, oh, I should have really showed up. He looks like the pilot for Malaysian Flight 370 or whatever. The one that went down? Yeah. Where do you even get that made? I mean, that's crazy. Dude, the one that went down on Key West, bro. That's a fucking, that thing landed on a cocktail.

Yeah, well, the flights have been I think they've picked it up a little bit, but we had some crazy flights for a while, like upside down and inside out. Yeah. So all these people, what it's all about, dude, they had run DMC flying one of the planes. Run D.I. But yeah, look at that upside. That's almost it's like the movie Flight with Denzel. We ride here, dude. And you have to listen to DMX when you get out of that plane, right? Yeah, there's no way.

The plane's upside down, and now we have to exit. There's no way I don't put a fucking, I don't bounce a track on my phone right there. Dude, I put on probably some DMX. Oh, yeah. As you walk out. What you really want? Yeah, what you really want from a flight. Yeah.

I want some peanuts and an upright plane. It's a wacky time. There was something you had. I want to talk to you about a bunch of stuff. You have a new child. Yes, yes. Not mine. I can't. Matt Reif. He got it there.

Dude, unreal. And a lot of people thought Matt Rife is that guy who's trying to live forever or whatever. Oh, yeah. Well, he's got that beautiful face. He's shiny. He looks new. He looks very – yeah, a lot of people thought that that's Matt Rife, Brian Johnson. This guy – why does the guy who lives forever have to be annoying? You know, if the guy's going to live forever, you'd like him to be fun. I know, dude. Why couldn't the guy that lives forever be –

Well, especially because Hooters just went bankrupt, which is crazy. Damn. He was keeping it in business, dude. I bet. I bet. Yeah, that guy could house some wings. Bro, and he would walk in. It would always be empty. Restaurant chain Hooters goes bust and files for bankruptcy protection. What is this, the Asian version? And there is a – and if you can't see on the YouTube on the video right now, there is a picture of all Asian women in Hooters' – in Hooters' –

Where's that photo taken? Can you give me some information? Can you scroll up or down or something? There you go. Chinese waitress is dressed in orange shorts and T-shirts cheer while welcoming the arriving guests at the Hooters restaurant in Beijing. Oh, shit. Damn, they're stealing everything from us. They got it. Hooters is going bust. The U.S. restaurant chain known for chicken wings and its skinny Hooters girls waitstaff outfits has filed for bankruptcy protection. Whoa.

HOA restaurant group filed for the motion for Chapter 11. It's the latest legacy restaurant chain to run into financial trouble amid high food and labor prices. Well, is that really why? Yeah, I saw a couple of porkers in there on the last few years. Yeah, let's just say that they got probably so many articles saying that they couldn't hire good tits in there anymore. Right, right. You got to be inclusive. Yeah. So you got to get the wheelchair hooter. You got to get the Downsy hooter. Yeah.

Yeah, you got to get an actual owl in there. Sure. It's like, what are we doing? Yeah, it's a tough time. It's the end of an era, but we still got Twin Peaks. Ooh. Just a sleeper that they just kept low and didn't talk, and now they're still around. Yeah, that's like the Utah tits. Those tits are clean over there. Clean. They're like the Kieran Culkin. Yeah. McCully's gone. He was hot for a while, but now Kieran's taking over. Yeah.

We got to go to Beijing. God, dude. I got to be honest. I never felt comfortable to Hooters. Like, I like tits. I like wings. But I felt weird. It's just some girl named Stacy who's trying to make a few bucks. And I'm like, can I look at her? Can I not look at her? What do I do here? A lot of them are like, I'm a model. And it's like, what are you?

you know, we model those sodas over here for me, like not in a bad way, but it's like, look, I want to support your modeling. I will tip a little bit extra. Sure. But we want to eat too. I don't want to. Yes. Yes. And then am I supposed to ogle you? Am I a creep? I never know what to do. Right. Are you just a waitress? Are you? Yeah. It was a gray area.

If I have you sign my 11-year-old son's back with a Sharpie, am I a fucking sick dad or whatever? Exactly. And then do I tip you by putting the money in your G-string? Like a strip club, at least you know. We're all here to see tits and ass. Everybody's on board. Right. Hooters was this vague thing. We're like, hey, while you're a pervert –

Right. Let's get some fucking protein in you. And then if you go, sometimes you go with a girl like you'd be at a work work lunch and the whole gang would go. You're like, well, I got this lady here. She's in H.R. and she's fat. Now we got the hot blonde. And the whole thing is awkward. Yeah. And then you try to make it equal. You're like, oh, well, they should have a place called Nuts that we could take you, Shelly. Yeah. She's like, I'm good.

Yeah, and she's been losing her hair because she has like iron deficiency or something. Anemia. Oh, that'll get you. That was my black ex. Yeah, dude. Hooters is shutting down. John Daly is going to have nowhere. Because you know, he used to live in a Hooters. He lived in a... I can see that. Didn't John Daly live in a Hooters? Bring that up. No way. I thought you were joking.

Yeah, it's amazing. John Gruden had an office apparently at Hooters headquarters, and John Daly had a special sleeping room in there. Shut the fuck up. Where'd they hear that? Oh, on the most recent episode of Theo Vaughn's This Past Weekend podcast. So hold on. You're your own reference. Hey, dude, this is where we are, dude. I saw John Daly overdose on gym one night and had to get carried out of a restaurant, not even a bar. Hell yeah.

Yeah. That's awesome. Man, he's like a superhero, this guy. Oh, yeah. Dude, he's definitely him, Kid Rock. Now we have a superhero. Yep. We have our Avengers, dude. Yes. We need some more in there. We need a good woman in there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Who's a fun woman? Ooh, I know who. That lady that cooks and that said the N-word. What's her name? Oh, Paula Deen. Yeah. That's a good one. Boy, there's going to be a lot of N-word in that kitchen. Oh, dude. Look, dude.

Maybe we should throw a black guy in just to even it out a little bit. Yes, and a keeper on her toes. Yeah, right, right. Who do we get in there? We need a good. Who's a fun black? Maybe, hold on, Kanye. That'll really shake things up. Now we're talking. Oh, yeah. So he'll be wearing the Klan hood, ironically. But now it's their Klan hood. So it's like, what do whites do now that there's, I don't want to say this is cultural appropriation. Eh.

I mean, did FUBU make that? I mean, that's our thing. Yeah. I mean, I definitely, this is. I mean, it's so weird because Elon's trying to tell everybody, hey, I'm not a Nazi. And he's like, no, no, I am a Nazi. Yeah.

Oh, it's so hard these days to figure out if you're a Nazi or not. It is fucking impossible. I mean, did you ever think you'd see this many swastikas in 2020? The whole world's gone batshit. No, and they're not even pointed. You don't even know who they're pointing at. It's like there's liberal people using swastikas because they— They're angry. Yes. At Tesla.

Yes. But now you're drawing swastikas. So these poor Jews are like, oh, well, that's that means fuck me. I know you're mad at that guy, but what about me? But then you also have people saying that that American Israel are swastika. They're using it, promoting them because they're killing the Palestinians. Oh.

So you're saying that they're the fat. You know what I'm saying? It's like you guys are the new Germany. They're saying that Israel is the new Germany. Oh, geez. This is too much. That's what I'm saying. It's just – It's so many layers. Yeah. It's like what happened to a fucking – the business transaction of a glory hole, dude. Exactly. You know, I mean we're buying Greenland, Gulf of America. Canada is mad at us. Beyonce is doing country. Everything is topsy-turvy. Yeah, dude.

Alec Baldwin shot a lady. I mean, I can't keep up with all the shit. It's all twisted. But at the same time, is it the most exciting? It's,

It's exciting. It is. It is. It's the best of time and the worst of time. But you could open X and you're just like, holy fuck my ass. This is crazy. Yeah, dude. X is like a portal to like crazy town. You're just shitting like, oh, that's a bear attack, a race riot. Oh, race riot. Black kids beat up another white kid at school. Right, right. Not a hate crime. Right, right.

Just a tweet. Just a tweet. Yeah. And then there's like crazy tit lady and it says, don't open this if you're alone. And I always open it. I even have to, I'm at the library. I'm like, I got to do it. I can't resist that. It's like 10 reasons why apples are killing your body right now. Yes. And you're like, fuck. You got me clickbait. Yeah. Huh? Did you see that bill bird thing where he yelled at the reporter? Oh, pull this up if you can. I mean, this was so cool. This is why I love the love bill.

He's on a red carpet for some thing, and a reporter's trying to get him to say controversial shit, and he calls him out. I'm not going to just have some controversial moments so you can get clicks. I'm not doing that. I'm here for Conan. I'm not doing all of this. What are you going to bring up next? The Middle East? I went to summer school three out of four years in high school. I'm not qualified to talk about this. What do you think about global warming?

You said about Elon that he was ruining Earth, I saw on The View. You're critical of him. What do you think of all the boycotts, like even the violence that's going on? I don't watch the news. I have no idea what's going on. I watch Instagram. I watch people wipe out on motorcycles. I watch lions and hyenas fight each other. This is the things that I do. And I don't think you should be asking a comedian. You're a journalist. Well, comedians are on top of current events. No, no. That's weak. That's you guys passing the buck.

You guys need to have balls again, which you don't. You guys always go, should we be thinking this? You guys present stuff like that. You guys just have balls. You need to get your balls back. And it's not my job. I am a dancing clown.

But yeah, it's so cool because he's like, you're trying to get me to say shit so you can get clicks. You guys report. Stop putting it all on me. I can get in trouble now and go viral for some ignorant shit I said. Yeah. Get out of here. Dude, that's a great point. Yeah, it has. It's definitely become crazy now. Yeah. It's like, um...

But it's because people are afraid to speak up because I think all those people feel like they'll probably lose their jobs. I think a lot of them are just caught in this old system with like, if I say anything that's truthful, that's why I think why a lot of like, you even see like Candace Owens, you see a lot of comedians, podcasters, like people are listening to them. At least they...

They're trying to figure shit out or they're talking about things as earnestly as they think they can. Yeah, well, we're so divided now that if you say this opinion, the other side attacks you. If you say that opinion, that side attacks you. So –

The newspapers want to sell clicks or whatever, so they're just like, we'll go down the middle. We got to keep everybody. You say the fucked up shit and we'll report about it. Yeah. It's gross. It's a great point he said. It's passing the buck. Where's the fucking – how was it that like even during the first year of like the Gaza thing that not one mainstream network guy was like, hey, this seems kind of fucked up? Is that right? I thought people were – I guess it's mostly internet people. Yeah, I think it was more internet people. That's true. But it was kind of like –

Hey, this, you know, or even just any side, like let's get one interview from a Palestinian guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, true. That shit was just kind of crazy. Hey, basketball fans, are you ready to win real money? Well, check out pick six from DraftKings. When it comes to basketball payouts, DraftKings pick six dunks on its rivals, including prize picks.

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UFC 314 is on the way. It's a stacked pay-per-view card taking place live from Miami, Florida.

In the main event, Alexander Volkanovski returns to face top contender Diego Lopez for the vacant featherweight championship. That's going to be a banger. Michael Chandler also takes on Paddy the Baddie Pimblett in a five-round co-main event. Also on the card, Yair Rodriguez welcomes Patricio Pitbull.

To the UFC and the fighting nerds look to continue their UFC unbeaten streaks. You can buy now at ESPNPLUS.com slash T-H-E-O or click the link in the description below.

That's UFC 314. It's this Saturday at 10 p.m. Eastern time only on ESPN Plus pay-per-view. You can guarantee I will be getting it. You can buy now at ESPNPLUS.com slash T-H-E-O or click the link in the description below. Pitbull coming over from Bellator. Yair Rodriguez, one of the greats.

You got Volkanovski versus Lopez. It's going to be a banger.

You have a new show that you're doing? Yeah, I'm working on a web series. I'm trying to sell it, but it's called Page to Stage. Page to Stage? Yeah, like you come up with a bit idea, and then you go up at Zany's and work it out, and it's clunky, and then you work it out again and again and again, and then eventually you crack it, and now you're doing it at an arena. That's the show. So it shows the comic thinking of a bit and then struggling with it and then eventually figuring it out and killing with it.

And like in between, oh, that's an example of it right there? Yeah, we've done a couple episodes already. And this is episode one. We just put out episode two. Yeah, that's something. Hey, is this stupid? I'm bombing all day long here. God, I hope this wasn't an expensive ticket.

Oh, this is great, man. Oh, thanks. I can't believe this has never been done. You get a dumb idea, that's how comedy starts. You take it on stage, it bombs, and you do it again. Too far. All right. We'll work on that. Oh, God, we're supposed to be there. What else do you do here? You break down the bit with other friends, kind of work on it? Yes, exactly. Like me and Sam Morrill or Chris DiStefano, we'll sit at the cellar and chop it up and try to figure out where the funny is and what angle to go with.

You guys have so many just artisans up there. Oh, yeah. It's like it's comedy college over there. It's chefs. You guys have chefs. Yes. Yes, exactly. We're down here selling hooters to fucking people. Yeah, but this is fun. This is fun as hell, though. I love Nashville. I mean, you got the Zanies has opened another room. I mean, you guys are cooking. Yeah, I've been in there. That lab over there. It's great. Great room. So, yeah, this and each episode will be a different car. I do the first one. Then it'll be, you know, Ronnie Chang and.

Michelle Wolf and Shane. So the show is going to be, it's just different examples of that? Yeah, yeah. Each one is a different comic. Okay, got it. So you could do one if you wanted or whoever and

Yeah, I want to start working on some new stuff, man. I've been writing a lot of stuff. I just have to start getting on stage. I think I'll go down to Austin probably to work on it. Ooh, I like that. I mean, that mothership, you can't beat that room. Well, just to have this. And also there's other rooms right around there. Brian Redman has a room right there. Yeah, the Creek. Yeah, they have one room there. It's called like Skinny F*** or whatever, you know what it's called. But it's like they have a – Is that Tony's room? Yeah. Way dead at. Yeah.

But they have a lot of like, yeah, it's like autistic cat or whatever. Right, right, right. Edward Jones. Yeah, they have everything there. Like save the – like, dude, things there are so progressive but also way – it's like –

I've seen like save the N words there. And you're like, that does not seem. No, no. Like it's like, it's like racist and progressive. Yeah. Austin. Good intentions, but bad message. Yeah. Bad title.

Yeah, it's like – Save the whales, but you're talking about fat people. Yeah. No, but they – yeah, I mean Austin's fun because when you're working on new shit, you've got to be able to bounce around. You can't just do one set every now and then. I agree, and it's even a lot of times when you're working on new stuff. For me, it's like that third time you do it in a night, even if you don't even want to do it. And nothing comes out of it, but it's still just burning that like – every time you cook it, you just cook it. And it's like so the next time will be good, right? 100%. You know they say when you lift weights, the one where you're like –

and you can't get it up, that's the one that matters the most. And it's the same with comedy, I think. When you're working on that new one and you don't want to say it and it's not really working, that's when you find it, when you just push it. Yeah. Yeah, dude, I have a buddy that just started comedy last week. No way. A friend of mine from AA just started. Aren't you glad those days? I would hate to just start now. I mean, we're 20 years in or whatever the fuck. I used to watch you at open mics at fucking Lucy's Surfer Bar in New Orleans. You too, dude. Yeah, you were the guy.

You had a hot girlfriend, you had some money, you had a cool haircut. I didn't have one. I did have a very cute girlfriend. Oh, I still remember her. God, she was pretty, wasn't she? I think about her all the time. I'll be honest, I think about her a lot. Yeah, yeah, that was really something. No one had a hot girlfriend back then. We were all losers in Louisiana. I remember walking by some of the Saints players and they all said, we're going to steal your girlfriend. That sounds about right.

That's what they do. And they did. That's the crazy part. No, I don't know. But yeah, dude. God, bro, when we went to Lucy's, that was fun, dude. That was not a care in the world. There was no phones. There was no, we got to get a clip. There was no video shit. It was just for the love of the game. And they had all kind of like Dane Foshea. Remember him? Yeah, of course. Funny guy. And he was in that documentary. Did you see that? No. What doc?

I don't know if he's okay with talking about this, but bring it up. Dane Foshea. I love those old Louisiana names. Foshea, Thibodeau.

Landry. Yeah. It was like, uh, never Sean Patton was down there. Oh yeah. There he is. Good old Dane. I looked up to him too when I started. Oh dude. Same bro. And also one of the nicest guys. Oh yeah. Great guy. And, and he was really like, he welcomed everybody. Hey, we're doing comedy. Good to have you. And it was the first time I had like a group, like a click. Yeah. Felt like a cult. Dude. Yeah. Dane's an awesome guy. And, but they had a doc. He was part of a very important doc. Uh, no, uh,

It's called Our Friend. What is it? Our Friend is a 2019 American biographical drama film directed by Gabriella Cal Perthwaite and written by Brad Inglesby based on Matthew Teague's 2015 Esquire article. The friend love is not a big enough word. Jason Segel, Dakota Johns, Casey Affleck. Oh, how did I not know about this is huge. And it's based on one of the I think the main character is based on him. Scroll some.

Oh, God. Are you going to tell me he's got some disease? In a flashback to 2000, Matt, a journalist and Nicola theater performer living in New Orleans, introduces Matt to Dane, a friend from college working as a camera operator who dreams of becoming a stand up comic. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wow, dude. Yeah, dude. This is a very this is a cool thing to watch. Good for him. Yeah. Comedy is so big right now. I mean, you're talking to presidents, vice president Bernie Sanders. It's it's weird how intertwined it all is.

Well, I think everything is getting kind of bizarre now, you know? A hundred percent. Everything is getting like turning into the WWE. Yes. I've been saying this for years. It's like, yeah, you can have like, you can literally next month, you could have Wolf Blitzer fighting that. Who was that? Like save the whales, like kind of like kid or whatever. That was like, you are not representing us.

Oh, David Hogg? No, you are not. It was a woman, more woman than. More woman. You are not speaking for us. Oh, Greta Thunberg. Greta Thunberg. What happened to her, by the way? She jumped ship. Well, she started saying stuff that liberals didn't agree. She started like, oh, she was speaking out for Palestine, and now they're like, ah, fuck her. Oh, really? Well, what about the environment? I thought that was her. She would take a steamboat from Sweden to yell at somebody on a soapbox. Yeah.

The second she wore that Palestinian garb, they're like, nah, she doesn't even make any sense anymore. Oh, damn. Wow. How old is she now? Has she got an OnlyFans? I don't. Oh, 22. All right. She's of age. Oh, we're going to hell. I'm sorry. But hey, we're going together. Dude. Well, she's got a solar-powered vibrator. I remember. Check out my carbon foot fetish.

This is fucking crazy, bro. Are you always this funny? This is the most... You've changed my life today, dude. Oh, I'm hungover. I'm on no sleep. So I'm just... I'm riding off gay fumes here. No sleep. Tell Brooklyn. Yeah. Um...

No, dude, remember the other comics they had? Wild Bill. Remember Wild Bill? Oh, Wild Bill Dykes. Wild Bill Dykes, dude. He was on some TV show, like Bar Rescue, some bullshit like that. And that was, I was like, he's been on TV. And same with you. I was like, you've been on TV. I couldn't believe it. Wild fucking Bill Dykes, dude. A legend, dude. But that's the thing. You had to wait to get tapped to get on TV. And you got six seconds on some weird show. And now we got the internet, so we can just put it all out there. Yeah.

Now you can just be like, hey, I'm an alcoholic and just tell people straight up. Exactly. And a lot of comedians in New Orleans were just alcoholics that were trying to stay away from their families or wives at night. 100%. Let's say that factually. No judgment. I didn't have a wife or anything at that time, but you'd see guys coming in, you know, have a couple in their car. Yes, yes, exactly. We were all – I was terrified. I had stage fright like a motherfucker. Yeah.

We all had stage fright and salt poisoning from living in Louisiana, the gout capital. Oh, yeah. A lot of sodium. Yeah, they had that one comic, Black Gout or whatever his name was. He was just like kind of an older black guy. Yeah, well, the black comics all had like chicken fry, cornbread, red bean. Red bean. Yep. They all had cool names. Salami, Rob.

Yeah, they were fun. Gumbo Jones. Spicy Child Evasion. Sickle Cell. Sickle Cell Wilson. Yeah, those were wild times. We all got along. Oh, it was so much fun. So much fun. T-Ray, remember him? T-Ray! Holy shit. Bro, he was a pro when we started. That dude was a legend in Louisiana. He was a legend, dude. First comic I ever saw, remember the Funny Bone in Baton Rouge?

Yes. They had a funny bone. I saw Chris Porter there in like 2002 or something. And he was killing. I still remember his act. He had a bit about – he's like, smoking and drinking, they go together. You can drink without smoking, but you can't smoke without drinking. It's kind of like you can take a piss without shitting, but you can't shit without pissing. And I was like –

Blew my fucking mind. Where are we? Yeah. God, dude. Yeah, Chris Porter. And that's when he got on to Last Comic, too. Yes, yes. Remember? And that's when kind of the handicapped era started on Last Comic. Yeah.

With Josh Blue, who was hilarious. Josh Blue was one of the best at having a disability but also being a comedian, right? Yeah. But I think it definitely launched a wave of, you know, and it kind of ended with that guy who faked having cancer for Ellen or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was bad. That was bad. Chocolate Cancer. What was that guy's name? The comedian? What was that guy's name? I think it was Bob Melanoma. Oh, yeah, it was. Oh, I think it was Jarvis Malignant. That's crazy.

Yeah, he coloned Cancer Powell. It was fucking benign Johnson. You better get that lump checked out, Peter. But yeah, he – oh, that shit. I feel bad calling him out. But he got kind of called out and then he got an HBO special. Then it all just went to shit. Yeah, let's just click on that right there. Whatever happened to the comedian that – Quincy Jones was his name. Jones graduated from –

On August 25th, Jones was diagnosed with stage four mesothelioma and given one year to live. He began receiving treatment with chemo. Friends set up a Kickstarter for him to produce a stand-up comedy special starring Jones. His story went viral after he appeared on Ellen.

After he raised $50,000, wow, that's incredible. Jones filmed a comedy special at the Terragram Ballroom in L.A. titled Burning the Light. That's a great name for it too. Whatever happened after that? Anything? Go to that Reddit page then. Let's get some real info. Well, it's a weird thing when you tell people you have cancer because then they get mad that you're alive.

That's a weird place to be in life. Oh, you're still alive? Fuck you. Yeah, we had a guy like that who had done a couple fundraisers or whatever, and he was still alive, and people would get so fucking pissed at him. Yeah, we gave you money. We did a GoFundMe, and you're supposed to be dead. Get in the coffin. Yeah, right. Get in the coffin. Fuck it. Exactly. People would be like, why is he gay? Just because he lied about that. That's true.

But I remember back then, I was like, oh, my God, I wish I got cancer because it was so hard to get a special or on TV. Oh, totally. I was like, oh, every mole I had, I was like, check this bitch. Yeah, put me in the sun and some radiation on my ass. I'll start smoking. I would put little fake moles on my arm when I went on stage. But whatever happened, though, this is curious. He may have just gotten better, which probably made it also uncomfortable for him. Is there any information? Can you scroll up or down or something? I hope he got better. Six years old, it just says that he's still active. Oh.

That's tough. That's tough, dude. You got to get into remission. He's like the Magic Johnson of cancer. He won't die. That AIDS, what happened? We used to be so scared of AIDS, and Magic Johnson is kicking. He beat AIDS so hard. I will tell a story. I've told this before, but I was at a restaurant where someone was choking to death, right? And Magic Johnson was there. So everybody, it was like a Chinese restaurant kind of place. So they brought out a...

They brought out a little one of those Chinese walls. They fold up like a great wall. Yeah, it's like a very great wall, but it's short. I know those. Yeah. You could change behind them or whatever. Yes. Change behind them real quick. They brought that out and start doing CPR on the guy behind the wall. And we're all just sitting there and it's kind of like a nice place. We're all eating, but everybody stopped eating because it's like you can't eat while a guy is like choking. Of course. Of course. And they're doing CPR and shit on him.

So then everybody starts kind of looking at Magic Johnson, like, when do we eat? Right. He became somehow like the like the liaison of feasting or whatever they call it in the Greek mythology or whatever. And so everybody's like watching him and you can tell he starts to feel this pressure. When do we eat?

And they get the guy back, right? Oh, thank God. So you can hear him. He starts coughing. Everybody claps, right? So everybody takes one bite and then fucking something happened immediately. And they got coded. The guy died right there. Shut up. Yeah. Holy shit. Guy died. Now what do you do with the food? Do you finish it? We waited like seven or eight minutes and then we ate as quiet as we've ever eaten. Oh.

Oh, man, that's awkward. They got to wheel them out on the gurney and you got a mouthful of General Tso. Oh, you chew so quietly, dude. Oh, dude. And if your wife doesn't salute you like that when you eat General Tso, you're not a fucking true American Asian. Yeah, she'll get a Kung Pao. That's what I'm saying, dude. I'll fucking...

Speaking of, did you see these Yankee bats, by the way? Oh, I've heard about this. This is pretty, I want to get your take on these bats. I don't know where, the Yankees, their bats are fat as shit. Oh, come on. Nuh-uh, that's what they're using now? The torpedo bat, yeah. They plump them up a little. Like in the middle? Yeah, like a weird dick that girthy in the middle and then cones out.

Well, that seems weird because wouldn't the angle of the bat then affect which direction you're hitting the ball even? Yeah, I think, but they engineered it perfectly where it just sails it. It works every time. During spring training, someone in the organization for the Yankees had mentioned to Kay that the team's analytics department had counseled players on where pitches tended to strike their bats and with subsequent buy-in from some of the players, bats have been designed around that information. And the hours before the Yankees' home game against the Brewers that day, Kay

Mm-hmm.

Wow, and it does, it has a look towards like the one part, like a snake digesting something a bit. Yes, yes, exactly. Wow, and how are the Yankees doing so far? Was that just one good game to start off? No, they're killing it. I mean, you got four homers in the first inning. I mean, they're like, they're on fire, which they were already a good team, but now they got this secret weapon. Oh, they're four and two right now, gang, starting off big. Okay. Okay.

Still no Otani. That guy is incredible. Oh, he's so good, man. Yeah, that's interesting. Are they allowed to just change their bats like that? Can you look at why they're allowed to do that? I think it's one of those Air Bud things. It's other than the rule books is you can't have a fat bat or whatever it is. Yeah.

The idea of the torpedo bat is to take a size format, say 34 inches and 32 ounces, and distribute the wood in a different shape than the traditional form to ensure the fattest part of the bat is located where the player makes the most contact. Wow. It's just a loophole. They found a loophole that's still legal. It's the same amount of wood, but they just put it in different spots of the bat. The torpedo bat moves some of the mass on the end of the bat about six to seven inches lower, giving it a bowling pin shape with a much thinner end.

The benefits for those who like swinging with it and not everyone who has swung with it likes it are twofold. Both are rooted in logic and physics. The first is that distributing more mass to the area of most frequent contact aligns with players' swing patterns and provides greater impact when the bat strikes ball.

The second benefit in theory is increased bat speed. Imagine a sledgehammer and a broomstick that both weigh 32 ounces. The sledgehammer's weight is almost all at the end, whereas the broomstick is distributed evenly. Damn. Which is easier to swing fast. The broomstick, of course. So they're saying that it's slower to swing the new one. Yeah, but it's got more impact. By shedding some of the weight off the end of the torpedo bat and moving it towards the middle, hitters have found it swings very similarly to a traditional model, but with

faster bat velocity. Hmm. Huh. I haven't seen a bat like that since the wet market. God, I know, huh? Damn, that's interesting. I wonder what other loopholes have I noticed. What other things? Well, there was a part where they allegedly deflated the ball some. Yeah, yeah, with the Patriots. What else has kind of happened over the years? Hmm. A lot of steroids. Yeah, steroids are so big. I don't know if that's a loophole, but yeah. I'd love to talk to Barry Bonds. It'd be crazy. Oh, man, what a run he had. I know.

And he looked crazy, too. He was like a superhuman. Yeah. Mark McGuire. Yeah. Him, too. You could see it. It's like he's pink. He's got like ball skin on his forearms. Dude, can you believe that women used to not even be able to talk that much? Isn't that crazy? Those were the days. But can you even imagine that? Like you're at dinner and a guy comes up to talk and you talk to him and your wife tries to say something. You're like, honey.

Exactly. Let the, let the guy, let us do business here. Well, women really got screwed because like they couldn't really make a lot of money back then. So they needed a guy who had a house and a car and a job. So like they had to be nice and play ball. Oh,

that's gotta suck you imagine the resentment built up in a lot of those women oh of course that's why a lot of third generation women are squirters i think because it's all that resentment built up that's true yeah it all comes out that's that's fucking uh what do you call that uh oh what's the word when they can't vote oh that's um suppression no uh well there's a word where they can't vote we'll get it right voter suppression um something like that um

Suffrage? Suffrage. Yeah. Women's suffrage. That's women's suffrage, dude. Yes. Yeah, it's a streamline, brother. Yeah. That is a damn, damn, huh? You ever got a squirt from a lady? I mean, I, oh, I knew a gal that could, oh. Super soak? She, no, but she was just articulate. Oh, damn. Like she could. Oh, she could fucking autograph a curtain. Ha ha ha.

I knew a girl definitely that could fucking wash your cat's eyes before you could blink them. It was like the windshield wipe squirter. You know, you clean the window. Oh, dude, yeah. Yeah, I had a lady. It was like a fire hydrant in a black neighborhood. I mean, she would just stand up, but it would gush. It was a great time. I loved it. I mean, my bed was ruined.

Oh, dude. And there's a couple of young sisters double dutching in it. That's the craziest part. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love a squirt because with a female orgasm, there's not really a lot of proof. Right. So it's nice to get some results. Oh, yeah. That's David Slopperfield on me. That thing is crazy, bro. Those things get going. Yeah. Squirt and Ernie. And sometimes you can't turn them off. No, no. And it's a lot of Asians, bro. Sesame Street. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It really is. Tickle me elbow. But sometimes you're like, enough. You got to put a cork in there or an old rag. Oh, dude, it's crazy. Oh, bro, you'd have to put siding on your bed. You need a gutter on the side of your bed just to get some runoff. You got to clean the leaves out every year, but still.

Bro, yeah, you get somebody that's a real galosh or you'd have to fucking somebody like, damn, are you from Maine or something? What's even going on here? Yeah, you need rain boots. It was crazy. Oh, you'd have to use that stuff that you would use on your car. It was like Rain-X. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Dude, when Rain-X came out, we got high. We're like, because we'd seen commercials that would like make the...

The rain bead off your window Yes Yes exactly So we'd rain X our cars Get stoned Drive in the rain And watch it bead off We'd be like That's a good time Those are the good times dude Yeah Um

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Yeah, what was I thinking about, dude? You want kids? Yeah, I got to get a kid, man. I mean, hey, no pressure. I don't want to be one of those kid guys. You're like, you got to do it. Change your life. Super meaningful. I'm not doing that. I'm just saying you'd be a good dad. Thanks, dude. I appreciate it. I think, yeah, I got to change a little bit of some of my patterns kind of.

Well, we all have some fucked up tendencies and all that. How did you change your tendencies to meet a woman? And I know you have a child now, but how did you change your tendencies? Because you were kind of like a rost about man. Sure, man about town. I like to paint it red. But I don't know. I just was getting older, and I knew I wanted kids. And then you start doing the math. You're like, all right, if I have a kid at 50, by the time he's 10, I'll be 60. You had an old dad. Yeah. You know, it's tough on a kid.

It's tough. And I heard Bill Burr say, not to bring him up again, but he was like, I should have done this 10 years earlier. And I heard that, and I was like, oh, shit, maybe I should do it now. And he's the truth. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The average age of new fathers in the United States has risen from 30.9 –

risen to 30.9 years, a significant increase from 27.4 years in 1972. Wow. Actually, I thought it'd be higher. So it's going up. So it's almost 31 years right now. Yeah, I live in New York. People are having kids at fucking 45. Like Schultz just had a kid. He's 41. Is he? Yeah. He looks great. Oh, he's a sexy, sexy man. Definitely. He looks like an old bullfighter or something. Oh, he definitely looks like the last Matador. Yeah.

Look at that stache and the hair. He looks like definitely the guy that will turn a triple play at a glory hole, you know? Yeah. He looks like a French villain. Oh, yeah. He does, dude. Oh, he's always definitely had that very like America's favorite spice trader guy. Right. Right. Like he sells knives in Bangladesh. Yeah.

Yeah, he definitely looks like a guy that'll sell you a secret. Yes. For sure. Definitely. He's a unique guy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's a very unique guy, dude. His new special, I think, is the best-looking comedy special I've seen. Oh, yeah. It's so beautiful. Like, the Beacon Theater is killer, and the way he starts it with that montage, like, you get choked up. I thought it was really, really amazing. You have a child now, man. Yeah, it's crazy. That's insane. To see you right now and be talking to you...

for the past 40 minutes and then realize this guy has a human child. I mean, it'll get taken away at some point. But for now, let it ride. God, probably from ice or whatever. Yeah, yeah, there it is. Wow. Wow, what sad news source reported on that. May Planner gives birth to her first child with Mark Norman. Look at that fat little nugget there. It's got a bad hairline already. Wow, very much has that Kevin from The Office look, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Wow, your wife looks great even post-birth right there. She killed it. Yeah, she looked good the whole time, and she did the old C-sect so the clam is intact. Yeah. Fresh seafood. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah.

Still oyster shucking. But yeah, you really get all mushy with the thing. Being as cynical as comedians are, right? What does cynical mean? Like negative and always looking at the bad, not the good, I think. Something like that. I think – well, I noticed for myself it's hard for me sometimes, or it used to be for sure. When something was really real, like a real moment, it was hard for me to experience it as a real moment.

Who are you talking to here? Yeah. Come on. I thought that was you. Yeah, I'm autism. Yeah. And so was that kind of, did that come into play at all? Do you notice that part of you come in and you almost have to stop it? Yes, yes. But with the baby, you can't help it. Like you're talking baby talk and you're just like gushing with love and you pour it right on them and you feel it and you go, fuck it, I'm doing it anyway. I'm letting go. I'm going to love this kid. So it feels really real. So it's like super real feelings. Super real. I mean, that came out of your,

ball bag and her stomach. I mean, the whole thing is it's surreal that you made this thing. Yeah. Yeah. And it's going to grow up and have a personality and, you know, weird addictions and, you know, thoughts on races. And that's all going to form right there in his little noggin. God, it's fascinating.

Does it create a new relationship with your wife? Like, is there now some, like, cause I've heard Schultz say that like, you know, you now, like he would have times where he would call his wife to check on the baby and not be checking on her kind of. And so like he said, just there were little dynamics like that, that he started to notice where, um,

Does it make like a new relationship with you and your wife? Does things still seem the same? Does it or everything is just normal? Like any thoughts on any of that? It's super different. Like the baby becomes the priority. So you start to forget about each other. You know, it just becomes like, all right, I'll take him for this moment. You take him for that moment. You feed him. Did you did you put him down? How's that going? So it turns into scheduling and very like calculated almost. So you got to stay lovey. You got to stay loving.

a couple. And so it's kind of like the two of you versus the baby. And you become a team, but you got to make the team fun. You can't just go all in on logistics. You got to still be cuddly and sexy and all that shit and fun.

And is it hard – how long do you have to wait before you can be sexually active with your spouse? I think it was six weeks. So we did like six weeks and a day before I went – and I jizzed in her on accident. I was like, what am I doing? I'm an idiot. This is how the Jackson 5 started, you know. Why would you do that? I was – I had been so long, and I lasted like eight seconds, and –

I couldn't pull out. It felt good at that warm meat pocket. So I... Dude, you knew what just happened there. I know. I know. I'm an idiot. But hopefully she's barren at this point. But that's like walking out of a burning building, right? Ha ha.

And going into another one. Yeah, hold on. It's like leaving Tower 1 and going into Tower 2. Yeah, and it says gas above the door. And you go in there and fucking blaze up a smoke. I know. I couldn't help it. And she was like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, you're right. You're right. Do you think you did that? Was it territorial or were you just partying? I think I was partying. I let loose too much. I'm an idiot. But...

I'm just lucky we had a kid the normal way, the old-fashioned way. Everyone else is doing the IVF and adopting and all that, so. Yeah. It's nice that these kids can swim. Oh, that is nice, man. I worry about that. Someone had a baby out of their butt, too. Did you see that? No, no. Bring that up. An ass baby? That's tough. Well, it's a. That's some good sperm. These days, it's the only way to get into this country, it feels like. Anal birth. Let's look at them.

That's on Apple. Whoa, whoa, buddy. Hold on. Anyone else hard? God, bro. Jesus. Just the article. That was wild. There is. There was something on there. Those are bands.

Oh, there are? They'll come around. Somebody will write the article. Yeah. Is that real? Huh? Real ass baby? It has to have had happened. Wow. I guess it just came out the wrong shoot, you know? Yeah, the baby, a lot of them are working backwards. It's like, yeah, have you ever seen those pictures of those guys that get stuck in those tunnels like in fucking... Jews? Yeah, of course.

But the baby, it just got off on the wrong exit. They don't have GPS, you know. They should have. It's like head towards the light, brother. I guess so, yeah. Avoid the boom boom and go with the clam clam. Come on, God, dude. That's crazy, man. That is crazy. It's weird how close they are. Isn't that weird? The butthole and the vagina, they're like an inch apart. Put them further apart. What are we

doing here? It's like Israel and Palestine. It's two archenemies living right next door to each other. That's ridiculous, dude. And the Gaza Strip right in the middle. Shh.

Speaking of that, has there been a lot of turmoil in New York City? Oh, yeah. It's crazy. Is it really? It's real. I mean, Columbia University is a hotbed of controversy, and they deported that guy, whatever his name, Muhammad Falafelface. And, yeah, it's rough. Yeah, and one of the food trucks went missing, too, ironically, the same day. Bring that guy up. Is that right? I don't know.

I don't know. Oh, I didn't hear about the old PETA. I can't believe after all the things that have been said, that's the one where you say, is that right? I mean, I believe it. That shawarma is missing. Oh, dude. Yeah, dude. Shawarma's my heart. Oh, shawarma's my heart. How is that not a shirt? Or I'm sure it's the name of a food truck. It's got to be. Yeah. What do we know about foreign college students targeted for deportation? Yeah. Which one did they have?

The Trump administration has set off a legal and ethical firestorm by targeting international students at U.S. colleges for deportation, including some whom the government alleges participated in pro-Palestinian protests or activities on campus. I will say to be a Jewish guy around this has got to be awkward. Like I feel like there's a lot of anti-Semitism hurled at them and no one seems to give a shit. Like if you make black comments, it's like it's a bad national news story.

But I don't think anyone really gives a shit about the Jew feelings. Yeah, well, I think you have to be able to separate that. That's a good point. They don't get the oppression points that other groups get. That's a good point. Yeah, that's a good point, man. Well, because I think that they've – from what I've learned, they've been like – had a tough time finding a territory to live in, right? Yes, yes. Like historically that they've had a tough time finding a place to live in. I think what just hasn't helped –

Has been the shit in Gaza. It's like, of course, I think it's just made like, um, and then there's a lot of, I think people start looking then at like ownership and oppressors. Right. And I think you have a lot of Jewish people that are super successful. They're good at being successful. The best thing on the weather, the best, right. And so then I think it doesn't, that makes things like.

I think that's where people take one – go from one thing and bridge to another. Yes, yes, exactly. And there's so much nuance here too that people forget. It's just good versus evil, but there's complex shit going on here. It's a lot of layers. We want to just put black and white, but it's –

It's true. There's a lot of layers. It's hard to figure a lot of it out. Oh, yeah. Mahmoud Khalil, I think that's who you're talking about. A 30-year-old Columbia University international affairs graduate student of Palestinian descent was arrested on March 8th when ICE agents appeared at his student apartment building. Can you even imagine that? I would think it was like one of those fraternity things they do in the morning or whatever. Yeah, yeah, like an initiation where they spray an air horn on you or hit you with a fire extinguisher. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was like Sigma Alpha Genocide or whatever, and they're fucking taking you outside to tickle you until you fucking piss gin or whatever. Khalil is married to an American citizen who's pregnant with their first child. The Trump administration accused Khalil, a Palestinian activist, of supporting Hamas and distributing pro-Hamas propaganda, though it has provided no evidence to support this claim. Wow. Yikes. It's a tough time. Fuck.

Because then you also wonder like what – like if there's Israeli influence because that's a big thing now. Like how much Israeli influence is there in like American politics? Oh, there's a lot. And it seems to be a ton. I feel like America is just like – it feels like we're just owned by Israel. And we just never knew it. I thought we owned them. That's what I thought. Uh-oh.

But here's the thing. If we're just a team, then just tell us we're a fucking team. Right. Tell us anything. We're all in the dark here. Everything's going over our yarmulke. I don't know what's happening. Yeah, dude. Everything's fucking sliding right over that little hair wallet. Yeah, right? But, dude, that's the thing I think that would help everybody if they would just say, hey, this is what's fucking really going on. Yes. So...

Because otherwise, I think you're just there's still this ruse of pretending that people aren't going to maybe figure it out. Or if you let people start to figure out themselves, then a lot of times people go to the worst place in their minds. Yes. And you pick a side and that's it. It's just fuck that side. We're left in the dark with light a menorah. Get some light in here. Yeah. Light one of the candles. One of them. Give us three out of eight. Yeah.

Yeah, that's not bad. Is it nine? I think it's eight. Yeah. Give that a check, but I think it's eight. But I agree, dude. And also, like, how to be supportive of your Jewish friends. You know, it's like. Oh, it is nine. Shit, my bad. Well done. Labia minora. They snuck one in. Yeah, they always do. Yeah.

Lookit, that's the guy they caught? He'll get laid off this, though. He's got some deported pussy. Oh, definitely, dude. He's a bad boy. He is, huh? Yeah. Mahmoud Khalil speaks to members of media about the revolt for Rafah encampment at Columbia University. Dude, I think... But also, dude, the shit that's going on over there is so horrific. Here's what I think has happened in Gaza recently, right? I think they are testing...

A lot of like the technology and things that they've weapons and stuff. I think they're testing it.

on that place who's they israel israel oh boy you're obsessed with gaza this is really taking over a lot of your brain well i'm just i think i got maybe i got caught in a fucking twitter hole the other night oh yeah that'll get you man i had to call sean ryan and tell him like dude everything's okay right i got scared yeah holy shit i'm but don't that that shit'll make you sad don't don't let it absorb it too much yeah yeah let's get out we'll get off of it

I mean, I don't know enough about it. I feel bad. I don't either. But sometimes it's just heartbreaking when you're like, how is this fucking going on? Yeah, yeah. Or is there something that we don't know? Then just tell us that shit. I know. I know. They won't tell us. They think we can't handle it. But this is way worse. Now we're all killing each other and fighting in the streets. I agree. That's the thing. It's like, just tell us what is fucking going on. Yes.

You know, does that make sense to you too? Or do I sound crazy saying that? No, I'm with you a hundred percent. We don't know what's going on. It's like the drones. We had all these drones in New York and everybody's like, is it weapons? Is it China? Is it this? And we're like, just tell us so we can go to fucking lunch and not, not freak out every day. I just tell my niece that was Santa. Yeah. Is it fucking Papa John delivering N words to people? Yeah. That's a service. Remember when he had that deal, dude? Yeah. Black olives matter. Yeah.

I don't know. Do black people go Papa John? What's the pizza of John? I thought they were more of a Domino's group. That's a good question. First of all, why don't they have more black-specific businesses, dude? Interesting. You got Boo Boo. But where's the black pizza company, right? Right, right. Yeah, that's a good question.

They like to play dominoes, or maybe that's Puerto Ricans. No, but still, that's close enough, right? Yeah. It's like, why is there not more? What's the top black-owned pizza company? And I believe this about a lot of things. Like, where are the fucking black-owned businesses? Yes. They're out there. We just got to blow them up. Right. There we go. That's a good point. Okay. Slim and Huskies. Slim and Huskies. That's in, I think that's here. Yes, that's in Tennessee. Oh, there we go.

Dude, I met the owner. Bring the owner up. I met him one time over at Fenwick's here in town. Nice. Dude, you saved my day today, man. Hey, we're saving their day. Go to Slim and Husky's. Get a fucking pie from these guys. Go to Slim and Husky's. Get that fucking father figure omelet. You know what I'm saying, dude? No, but go to Slim and Husky's. There they are. They're the dogs right there. Who are they?

Oh, there they are right there. Clint Gray, Derek Moore, and Emmanuel Reed, baby. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Get the fucking Big Dog Special over there. The founding, the trio, who are also Tennessee State alumni, Tennessee State University. Shout out TSU, where my buddy Zeta played kicker over there, was the only white kid over there. Oh, yeah. Kickers are how we slide in. Oh, yeah, dude.

That's it. Yeah. But my buddy, John Laster, he has a thing called Blap and it's a black app. It's like a app for black owned businesses. Really? So yeah, that's, that's something. Get that shit. Yeah. Go to Blap. Check it out. Dude, this is one thing I think that a lot of cultures and ethnicities can learn from Jewish culture is how to like support your culture. Right? Yeah. Like, like we should do that. I think other groups should do it. I think, um,

And other cultures may do it better than like Christians and Muslims. Yeah. But Jewish people do it well. They support their friends. They support their creations and the things that their friends make, you know? Yeah. I mean, they had to. I think they got pushed around. So they're like, we got to start our own shit. We got to start law firms and real estate and diamonds and stuff.

But they do a lot of stuff like invest in their children, their children, like, you know, like learning education. I think a lot can be learned from that culture, man. Is that crazy to say that? I completely agree. I mean, I'm circumcised. So there you go. We took that from them. Yeah. Are you?

Huh? Are you cut? Dun, dun, dun. Oh, baby. Auction off, dude. Call in if you fuck Theo. The last inch, they call it. Dude, yeah, let's talk about something else that's more fun, man. Sorry. No, no, I mean, I'm interested. But I think I was just curious what it's like in New York City because, you know. You can feel it. It's there. Remember how like BLM you could feel in 2020 or whatever that was? You could just kind of feel it. There was an energy. It's that in New York with Jew Palestine. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's heavy. Is it? Oh, yeah. Well, it's kind of crazy that two years ago you couldn't even say the word Israel, it felt like, on a podcast. I mean, you could always say Jews are great or whatever you say. Sure, sure. But... It's an interesting group because they're cloaked in whiteness, so you can't really tell. It's the only group... You don't like Asians. You can kind of eyeball it. Yeah. You know what I mean? But Jews, it's...

It's just like a white guy. Yeah. You know? It's just a honky. It's like a very successful honky. Yeah. I mean, to get an Ari Shaffir, that's like Jewish propaganda. I mean, that's a mug. Yeah, that is. He's working for someone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

His show's coming back. That's right. Are you going to be able to do an episode of it? I am. I'm working on a story now. I got to work on one, dude. He asked me. I just fucking, it's been hard. It's a lot of work because you got to go out and run that. It's 10 minutes of awkward, weird, hey, is this where the story should go and how do I end it? But you got to do it. I don't know if I can get it right now. Yeah. I'm just talking about if I can get it ready.

But I think I got to do this podcast coming up. Well, your last one was killer with the cabbie and the cocaine. That was like my first story. That was like that was like when I started talking about like being sober and shit like that. That was that blew up. I mean, people really connected with that. That story was crazy. I remember one part of it, this girl like laying in my lap and like we're just like both like we're both had been drinking or whatever. And I'm trying to like lean down and kiss her. And I couldn't get to her face, you know.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And you get so close and you're right there and she's fucking, you know. It's like trying to blow yourself. You get so close. It's right there. God, that's a fucking Adam's apple stops you. That's a problem. Yeah, I got a lick once, but I hurt myself. I like pulled a muscle. Oh, that's the worst when a guy's getting a tort all shot. Because he's been fucking tongue washing his own cat. Yeah, I got to do yoga or something. Oh, dude, yeah. Oh, that's the craziest though, dude.

You asked Trump about Coke. Was that – give it to me straight. I've known you for a while. How scary was it having him right next to you? Well, I'd seen him at UFC fights. I know, but this is like face-to-face podcasting, I mean, conversation. I think I've felt for a while that things are turning into the WWE, that nobody's like super famous anymore. Things are merging pretty quick. Oh, yeah.

You have people who are coming up with like a crazy lyric on TikTok that are now selling out big music venues that bands who have been performing for 15 years can't sell out. Right. So it's like, I think everything's just getting weird. It's like you could have like,

You know, a year and a half ago, sketch the what's up brother. That guy was probably for two months was the most popular guy in the world. Maybe totally like everything's just, it's very strange now. So yeah, there's the lines are blurred. It used to be like celebrity knots. Now it's just, everybody's in there. Right. It used to be like you and I would never talk to Harrison Ford. No. Or, um, get to, or like,

Kendall Jenner. You know, it's like, but now we have a chance to at least look at them as they drive by. Right, right. Well, you talked to Shalamu. I mean, he's like one of the biggest actors in the world. You're just hanging out with him. Didn't ask to edit the thing or anything. Totally fucking normal. Cool dude. Regular guy. Yeah, and he's plowing Kendall, which has got to be, or Kylie. It's got to be a good time. And it seems like they're honestly like,

Kind of like in lovebirds. Like when I saw them, it just seemed like they're like lovebirds, which made you give you some hope for Hollywood because you just think like everything's so manufactured. But anyway, so that was part of it. The second thing, oh, dude, I'd had an interview post Malone here the day before, and so I was so like just burnt out. Yeah. And I was just tired, but I just went up there. We flew directly there to –

His golf course, it was crazy. Like, rich people were everywhere. Oh. Like, kids were driving to the bottom of the pool and bringing up mutual funds and shit. Like, way different. Damn. Was that Mar-a-Lago? It was something fancier than that. It was like... Fancier? It was New Jersey, huh? Oh, okay. It was like Mar-a-Lago or something or whatever they have up there, you know? Yeah, yeah. Interesting. It was kind of like this year, like Italian. There it is, dude. Look at that. Wow.

And, bro, they had ducks out there in the pond that were fucking, like, organized as fuck. None of these gay-ass ducks you see at the park, like, that are just fucking doing dope or whatever. Right. Just eating fucking bread from strangers. These motherfuckers, I saw them polish off, I think, a sourdough, line up in a straight line. Classy. And perform, motherfucker. Damn. Ducks in a row. Oh, yeah. You could tell they were going to be lunch if they didn't land every fucking...

if they didn't land every move in sequence. Right. So that was crazy. Then you had Secret Service everywhere, right? Oh, yeah. But they're still fans. You pull in, they frisk and shit, and they're all like, hey, I fucking love the thing. And then you're just taking selfies with them. You're holding their gun, right? You're pointing their gun at them and like, it'll shoot, you know? That's the best.

I love getting the working man. Like when you get like a garbage man or a cop and he's like, hey, comedy. I'm like, yes. I want you as a fan. That's the best, dude. The best. Yeah, there's nothing better, dude. Anytime if I'm walking down the street and I see a couple of guys digging in a hole or whatever or hiding the bodies or whatever. Right, Jews again. Yeah, or funneling monies for fucking Schwab through one of those. Yeah.

Fucking Yiddish mattress sale tunnels or whatever. I always stop and get photos with those guys. Anybody that does something real. Yes, yes. And those are the most sane guys, by the way. Yeah. By the way, you see that Adam Carolla went on some rant where he's like –

you know, we, we hate dudes, but like, who do you think is fixing the LA fires? It's just a bunch of dudes getting in there and getting their hands dirty and building shit. He's got a point. And like, that's what's so annoying about politics. That's why I can't pick a side or it's so like Gavin Newsom has got a pocket. He's talking to Steve Bannon. He's like, yeah, these trends are crazy. And you're like, and he's like,

And he's like, we've got too many regulations in California. We're like, you're the guy. You're the governor. You make the rules, Dickless. Change it. Why are you telling us about it? Well, it's the same thing with America, even in like America supporting like the Gaza stuff. It's like, then you're complicit. It's like all of a sudden we're complicit in it. That's what makes everything so tricky. It's like –

are we standing up for ourselves? Are we not standing up for ourselves? Who are we supposed to support? It used to felt like we knew what was supposed to happen. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. It used to feel like we knew. And whether we were right or wrong or, or, or just being fed like sheep, you still knew where to go. Even if you were wrong, you knew what America stood for or whatever the fuck. But then it brings you back to like, I think the Vietnam times when you saw those protests. Cause I used to hear about the protester in Vietnam and I'm like, what would they be protesting? Like,

we're doing this war that's what's supposed to happen but then you realize that there was a group of people who ended up being a lot of times some of the coolest people who were like this isn't right right right who didn't believe like the propaganda machine yeah so it's crazy that if things could even get out then that the same kind of it's just so i don't know it's just interesting man it is it is and i think the the cracks are opening up because the internet and everybody's talking and

And sometimes there's too many people talking, but you can kind of start to see the bullshit a little more now. There's more light on it. Yeah, it's just crazy because then it's like, what happens? You just got to take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones. That's got to be important. That's one good thing about a kid. It just, you focus. You're not thinking about Twitter. You're not thinking about this. You're just like, ah, this kid has got a shit diaper and I got to change it. And that's it. Really? Oh, yeah. So it kind of just.

You got one problem. You don't have a million problems. Yeah. It's just get this kid to not have Down syndrome. And when do you find that out? I think pretty early. That's why you see less of them now. I think people are nipping that in the bud. I know. It's sad because you like seeing one every now and then. Oh, yeah, man. Especially, well, they started, I hate to say this. Oh, baby. They got more talented over the past 20 years. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of models, Downsy models. Yeah.

They got more talented. And I got proven wrong. I had always known that Down Center people couldn't walk backwards, right? Is that right? That had always been a big thing in our area. But now a woman disproved me on that. Oh, good for her. This is like the Jackie Robinson of Downs. Oh, yeah, dude. Good for her. Oh, yeah, that's it. I mean, I don't know. The moment has passed, but yeah. I'll play it. He goes on a hell of a rant. Does he? Yeah.

They give a shit about young dudes now because they're losing their demo. They were the enemy. Young white dudes were always the enemy or heterosexual dudes or whatever. And now they lost. They're losing their constituency. So now they have to pretend to get a spot. Yeah, she signed an executive order aimed at increasing young men's enrollment in education and skill training program. So, yeah, they're doing some catch up right now.

Yeah. Okay. Perhaps you shouldn't have waged war on them for the last 15 years. Amen. Fucking retards. That would have been nice. We got a clip of Nick Lamont. Toxic masculinity and all you assholes. Shut up. Your Connecticut governor trying to. By the way, can I, just let me say this. Let me just say this. Please listen to me, everyone. I toured the sites of, of, of, of Altadena and the Palisades and Malibu. Um,

There's a whole bunch of people with dicks and balls who are fucking driving excavators and trucks and operating all the heavy equipment, all the fucking people you hate.

all the people who didn't go to college, all the guys with the cocks in the balls, all the guys who don't give you their pronouns, that place has been completely rebuilt by just them. Nobody looks like you. Nobody uses pronouns. No he, she's none of your fucking freak shows. None of your Admiral Levine's. Nobody looks like that. It's just a bunch of fucking dudes.

Who go by he and him. Fuck yeah. That's good. Yeah. You need Mike Rose children in there every now and then, dude. That's who you need. But it's a great point. It's like you're trying to build this. You're going to have places that are going to fall apart, you know? At some point, guys are going to be like, we're not rebuilding for these motherfuckers anymore. That's true. At some point, you're going to have a military that's like, I'm not fighting this fucking war for you anymore. You go fucking figure it out. Right, right. Exactly. That's why they contract military guys in there so they're fucked a lot of times. People don't realize that. That's a good point. But also.

But also the binary world we live in now, everything's got to be, like I said, black versus white. So women hear that and they go, oh, you hate women? You're like, no, no, we love women. Women are awesome. Martha Stewart rules. But can't we both be awesome? Why do we have to have one or the other? Like, oh, these men talking about it, they're complaining.

Fuck men. Women are great. You're like, yeah, women are great, but why can't men be great too? Let's just both be great. Yeah, but it's like, I don't know. Sorry, went off on a road again. No, no. But it's just a weird time. It's a heightened time. It is. It is. And I think we used to go at each other racially, and now that I feel like racial harmony, obviously we're never going to be perfect, but now we just go at each other opinion-y.

You don't agree with me. You don't agree with me. Fuck you. I'll kill you. And it used to be we used to be divided up in different ways, mostly by race, you know, back in the 50s. Whites only blacks only. But now it's like we're divided by opinion. And it's if you don't agree with somebody, they just take it personally and then they lash out at you and you're like, but not agreeing on everything is I like pussy. Gay guys like dick. You know, we don't have to fight about it. Yeah, we're both going to Cincinnati. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

But, dude, no, that's a great point. Tell me a little bit more about that, man, because I think I fall victim to that too sometimes. Like kind of say that again for me. Well, everything is opinion and what side you're on and what stance you take. And if you don't agree with that opinion fully or one little thing, not even fully, one little thing about it, I don't buy that part.

Then they just turn on you and they go, you're the enemy. And you're like, well, how did we get here? You know, and we got to just start going, oh, you think that? Why? Oh, I never thought of it that way. I mean, I still think this, but you think that? And can we all get along? Yeah. Why do we get so attached to our enemies?

I think because we have no identity anymore. People have no identity. Everything's so easy. We got modernity. We got a phone. We got Uber Eats up our ass. We got anything. You just get shit delivered to your house and no one's living anymore. No one's like connecting. You know, we used to have kind of a community and this, all this shit has been said before, but I think before you actually had to like do shit and get your hands dirty and now everything's given to us and if something doesn't go our way, we don't know how to handle anymore. We're

Shit used to not go your way at all back in the day. Like, your fucking kids would die so you had another kid or, you know. Yeah, it used to be your kids would die, you would have another kid like two days later. Yeah, and everybody just got along and dealt with it. There wasn't like a guy going, ah, my kid died, I'm bummed out, I'm doing a GoFundMe, and everybody goes, you're so brave, good for you. Right. And they would even name the new kid the same name as the other kid. They would be like...

Matthew II or whatever. Yes, yes. Matthew II. Like it was one of those Apollo returning things or whatever. It was a sequel. Yeah. Yeah, Avengers 9 or Fast and the Furious. This is Fast and the Furious. This is Avengers 8. Yeah. Bro, that's such a good point, man.

It doesn't have to be like this. But I think it gives you an identity and a personality to attack. Oh, Theo thinks this? I'm going to go against Theo because I'm this. And I got to show everybody I'm this. I got to plant my flag. Right. Yeah, and that's what they call identity politics, right? I guess so, yeah. It's bad news. What is the term identity politics? Bring it up. I just want to see what it means so I know. And everybody has to start us in as a white man, as a black woman, as a gay Jew, as a queefy bitch, whatever.

identity politics is politics based on a particular identity such as ethnicity race nationality religion denomination gender sexual orientation social background political affiliation caste age disability intelligence and social class what's kind of interesting because you also have to represent like you have to speak up sometimes for where you're from like you know otherwise your group can get totally just trampled over i guess so but at the same time it's like

But there's a hierarchy. That's part of the problem, too. It's like black trans is more important than white lady. Yeah, yeah. Than Asian Sagittarius or whatever. Yeah, yeah. But three Asian Sagittariuses beat one black trans. Exactly. It's like poker now. Yeah. You got a royal flush. Oh, left-handed gay dude from Minneapolis? Forget about it.

Yeah, but that's the other thing is we have to have all these differences. Like black versus white, whatever. But really when you think about it, we can find a difference anywhere and hate somebody. Like the Hutus and the Tutsis, they're all black, but they just hate each other for some religious reason. I'm too stupid to know. Oh, I'm too stupid too, dude. But what I'm saying is if they join together and just attack,

whoever owned the fucking land right near them. There you go. Then they would make some progress. That's a perfect example. The Bloods and the Crypts. It just comes down to clothing at that point. It's blue versus red. It's silly. Yeah. It was something you said a second ago that was really great. Oh, the – Oh, these tariffs are getting out of control.

Oh, yeah. The tariffs are getting out of control. All the everyday items that will cost Americans more following Donald Trump's global tariffs. But here's the thing with tariffs is the goal of tariffs is that if they –

If it costs more for people to bring their products in, then they'll build them here. Yes. That's part of it. Yeah. So it's kind of a long-term play. It's going to take a while. It's going to be bumpy for a while, but that's if it works. Right. So we'll see, but it might take 10 years. Right. If we don't try this though, then I think it's a wrap.

Oh, you think just go for it, bite the belt, and go for it. I do because I think at this point, even from my own perception, we'd probably on this comedy tour been in probably the top 200 cities like Saz was in America, maybe even more than that. And...

a lot of them there's nothing there yes it's empty downtowns oh yeah it's set up we're in amarillo it's empty downtown shreveport louisiana was empty downtown um toledo ohio right it's getting a little bit better there uh but and that's just a few i'm in a lot of places montgomery just empty yep and so you start to be like

And nothing's going to, there's nothing coming that's going to make that different. Right. Yeah. And maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe that's just how society changes and evolves. And we just end up with like seven big cities in America and the rest of it is just like rural land where people live and have great lives, but they're not in like a city. Yeah. And these things fall by the wayside. Yeah.

And don't forget, we got automation coming. We got AI coming. So like jobs are going away quick and everything's digital now. There's nothing manufactured here. And why do we keep building? Right. And that's one of the that's one of the things that people say, well, even if you bring jobs back here, those jobs are going to disappear because of AI anyway. Oh, yeah. That's one of the side. That's one of the other arguments against against doing the tariffs at all. Damn. Yeah.

It's fucking, it's weird, man. And then the weirdest thing you start to realize, I feel like, is that you're just a member of your government, whatever the choices they're making. Yeah. That's something that's been big recently. It's like, oh, whatever choice the government makes, whatever.

I'm a member of this country, but if you, if you don't, if they don't make you feel like you're a part of something like there's no benefits to being a member at a certain point, you're like, damn, it's a weird club to be in. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we've got to overthrow the government. Maybe that's what's, uh, what's next. How do you do that? Do you think? I think we got, we got them outnumbered. I mean, we've got a lot of people here. Right. And, uh, we can, you know, send out a couple of tweets and texts and get everybody on board. We, people have guns. You probably got a gun. Yeah.

So there you go. We'll get in there and shoot some people. And where do you meet up, you think? A Dollar General or something? Yeah. You know, some nice community place we all know about. And we'll meet at the KFC slash Taco Bell. Get a meal and revolt. Yeah. Dude, a belly full of fuck.

That's a gas chamber. Oh, when those pizzas came out, they were so good. Remember that in high school? Oh, the Mexican pizza. Amazing. That'll make you want to open the border. God, remember how fucking good they, and when they first came out, I think they might have had even real meat in them, dude. Woo!

Those were the days. And someone pooped in the meat over in Mandeville. Really? The whole town didn't know what to do. There were people crying over at the parking lot. Could you tell the difference? I don't know if you could or not. Somebody, I don't know who had it. Now, that's the thing. We never found out who had it, but they really busted it. Run a research on that poop in the meat over there at Taco Bell. What do you think it is now? Horse or dog? Mandeville, Louisiana. I'm not sure.

It tastes damn good either way. I love Taco Bell. That's probably my favorite fast food. Pseudologist feces found in Taco Bell item. There you go. A new lawsuit has been filed against Taco Bell restaurant just months after the company settled a series of lawsuits out of court following a 1995 hepatitis outbreak in the suit filed Wednesday, 3rd District. I don't know. This is fucking going to make me laugh.

An anonymous couple and their 10-year-old son allege the boy found feces in a soft-shelled taco. Damn. Bought at a drive-up window at the Cottonwood Heights Taco Bell, Fort Union Boulevard. Oh, this is in my town. This is Salt Lake City, man. Oh, imagine eating that, that chapupa. I know, huh? God damn. You got to put a lot of fire sauce on that turd. Yeah. Just to get it down. Just to get that motherfucker down.

Yeah. You ever tasted shit? Huh? I don't think so. Have you had any accidentally with the baby being around? Oh, well, they say shit's on everything. Your keyboard is apparently a fucking cesspool of flint water. But yeah, I mean, I've tasted piss. Yeah. That was not pleasant. Oh, I've had a little even during a fast one time. I was fasting for like three or four days. I was in the shower and I fucking, you don't even realize what you're doing. Wait, how did you get the piss in your mouth? I'll piss straight up. Damn, that's impressive. Yeah.

Piss straight up. I can piss straight to the top of my head if I'm standing there. No way. Damn, that's not easy, especially at our age. I can piss really good, man. Wow. I can piss pretty good. I'm trying to think. Yeah, I can piss pretty good. And then you just get a fucking, yeah, I've been fasting. I took a side sip off that bitch, guys. You know what I'm saying, dude? You got to try it once. I'll show them. Yeah, it's a weird flavor. It's tangy as shit. Yeah, it's very, it's kind of like hot coffee. That's what my ex-girlfriend used to say.

Really? She's a keeper. I let her go, unfortunately. Oh, damn. God, dude. What's she up to now? Hanging out with R. Kelly, I guess. Working in, I'm not even sure. Probably working at that geyser park in National Geographic, dude. Hot Springs, baby.

What else do we want to talk about, dude? Well, I think the world is on fire, so buy some whiskey. I'm selling a whiskey out there. Me and Sam started a whiskey. Oh, Bodega Cat. You got it. Yeah, it's not legal in Tennessee yet, but we're going to get it here, goddammit. Let me see if what we can do here. Please. The red tape is bananas. It is? Yeah, it's so hard to get at places. Is it? Oh, yeah. It's all mob run. It's all super mobby, and you got to work your way in. Yeah, there's all these old-fashioned rules and shit.

Damn. Yeah, Sam's drinking it on Seth Meyers right there. Oh, he took it on there? Yeah. So Bodega Cats. So didn't they just have an issue, too, about Bodega Cats in New York? Probably. They're always there. That's where we got the idea. Really? Yeah, you go into a bodega, there's always a cat sleeping on the bread, and you always go, it warms your heart. So we go, hey, how about a whiskey? That'll warm your heart. Yeah, I love that idea. Bodega Cats make New Yorkers' hearts purr even if they violate state regulations.

Oh, yeah. I'm sure it's a health code thing, but how cute. But they had rat issue there, so of course you can have cats. You can't get fucking mad. Exactly. You need a bodega cat. You need them. New York City's bodega cats are beloved fixtures in the Big Apple, but they're on the wrong side of the law. Ooh. The convenience store cats that live at many of the city's bodegas and delis look innocent enough spending their days lounging in sun-soaked storefronts or slinking between shelves of snack foods as they collect friendly pets.

from customers. State law bars most animals from stores that sell food with bodega owners potentially facing fines. You can't bill these fucking guys. They're probably charging these cats to even be in the city after 4 p.m., I bet. Yeah, right? But you need it. It's old school. We get rid of the rat, you get a cat. That's like as old as time. But the rats hate the cat. It's like an Indian with deodorant. They don't get along. Yeah.

Oh, it's that full-body shawarma, brother. Oh, yeah. It's palpable. Oh, it's that scurry. I'll fucking run from that shit if I smell it. I got to go. Oh, yeah. That's crazy. So Bodega Cat is a new—it's a whiskey? It's a rye whiskey, yeah. It's been around for a while. We're just—it's such a slow process. We're getting it one bar at a time. We got it in all the comedy clubs, a lot of theaters. Do you? Yeah. Is it down at the Mothership? It is, yes. Okay.

That's awesome. So if you were at the mothership, you can order Bodega Cat. Yep. Is it a good whiskey? It's a great whiskey. We taste tested a million of them. We've had like experts try it and they like it. We got it at the comedy store, the comedy cellar. I mean, it's all over. Really? Oh, yeah. Coast to coast. And is it, it has alcohol in it? It is a big bottle of whiskey. Yeah. Okay.

So if you can't drink, you can't drink, but you could get one for a friend? Yeah. You could watch your dad drink it, watch your mom drink it. Do you mix it with something? You can have it straight up. It's got a nice spice to it, or you can put soda water or Coke or whatever the hell. Bad decisions, mix it up. Bodega cat, dude. I want to see you guys win with this. We're trying. We want to retire on this puppy, and people seem to like it when they try it, so...

Get a bottle. I love that. And this is you and? Sam Murill. Oh, that's hilarious, dude. Yeah. Just a couple of old pals. We feel like you're sober now. Everybody got sober on us. So we're like the last men barely standing. You know, we're hunched over. Yeah, Shane. But he's a beer guy. Yeah, he is. So we like the liquor. So like Dan Soder, Joe List, all these guys, they got sober. Bert's out there.

Yeah, Burt is definitely the Neil Armstrong of alcohol. Yeah, yeah. Whatever that guy is, he's just out on the moon. Yes, one small step for alcoholism. Yeah, I'm just trying to think if there's something else we should talk about. Go through the news really quick story that there's a couple. Trump had that gold card thing for wealthy immigrants to expedite citizenship. Yeah. Oh, that's doing well.

Oh, that gold card? Yeah. Yeah, Trump had that gold card. Is it doing well? I heard they sold 1,000 of them already. Nuh-uh. Which is what? What's that? 5 million? I'm an idiot. Times 1,000? That is 500 million. Thank you. That's a lot of scratch. No, it's more than that. It's 5 billion. Is it? Jesus. Do 5 million times 1,000. God. We should know this.

You had it. The second time. Second time. Asian. St. Tammany Parish. Yeah, that's AI is going to take over. He pulled out the Trump car. President Trump proudly showed off the design of his administration's new $5 million gold card to reporters aboard Air Force One on Thursday. Let me just see what it looks like, dude. Yeah. Are they selling commemorative ones? They have to be. That's a smart move. But does it look like a Walmart card or like a Costco? It's got to look cool.

Ah, damn. It looks Chinese. That's like Mao. Bro. Fucking so Mao, dude. Bro, and yeah, but that's wow that they're selling those. What do you think about that? Because now it's like,

You can just be a citizen with $5 million. Well, I feel like if you've got $5 million to throw away to get into America, you want to get here. And you're not like a poor guy. Right. So you're probably doing all right. So, yeah, bring them in. So it's become like a home for the elites. It's become the Saint Tropez or whatever. There you go. Of humanity. But do they still have to pass immigration tests? What is the rules with that? Good question.

You hope so. You can't just buy your way in. You've got to still do the homework. Dude, I'm going to do that. If I get to meet him again, I'm going to ask him if I can have one of those as a gift. Oh, my God. But you're already in. You don't need one. But I'll stay in. Yeah, and you can frame that bitch. I'm staying in, Mom. You could use that at every bar. Hey, you want my ID? Goldie. Suck it. Well, what does it say? Does he have any other information on it? Sidney Sweeney could sell a few of those to her box. I'll tell you that. God, dude.

I can't believe you came in your wife again. I know. I got to get my shit together. Mark. Yeah, I'm an idiot. We'll see what happens. She's very fertile. Is she? Oh, yeah. Fertile Myrtle over here.

You could throw a... I've never done that. You've never gotten a lady pregnant? I've never ejaculated in a woman. What? Yeah. Wow. I've talked about this before. Yeah, my whole life I haven't. Boy, you've got good willpower. Even when you were drinking? Yeah. Man, I'm impressed. Good will spunking. That's my movie coming out.

The proposal aims to supplement or replace the existing EB-5 immigrant investors visa program, which required foreign investors to create or preserve 10 permanent full-time jobs for U.S. workers. The gold card simplifies this process by allowing the wealthy foreigners to pay $5 million for a visa, granting them green card privileges and a route to citizenship.

Do they still have to pass immigration? Let me see. At the White House press conference on February 26th, Trump and U.S. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick introduced the concept of a gold card as a new pathway to U.S. citizenship. It's not a bad idea that there's this golden ticket kind of because at least they're making money off it. I'm just curious to see. They've talked about getting rid of the Fed, getting rid of the IRS. If that shit can happen. Yeah, that's some big moves. Very radical. It'd be crazy. And we wouldn't have to pay taxes anymore like just –

Well, we used to not have income tax in America back in the day. I know. That came up later. It'd be nice to get back to that. Oh, and we could use it. I mean, eggs are $9 million now. Are they? Eggs are way through the roof. Yeah. They busted more people bringing eggs in than they busted fentanyl dealers, which is kind of insane. Is that a joke? No. Whoa! How do you carry that in? I mean, fentanyl, at least you can throw it in a car tire or something. But eggs, you got to really...

You've got to hide that. Shipping and handling. I know. That's a good point, huh? You have to walk real slow with them bouncing your head. Yeah. U.S. sees large rise in border seizures of eggs while fentanyl rates fall. Damn. Well, at least fentanyl is going down. With egg prices soaring due to the bird flu outbreak, border officials say they're catching more people attempting to bring eggs in the United States illegally. Wow. U.S. Customs and Border Protection said this week that seizure of raw eggs has risen by 48% at entry points.

Damn. In fact, sharp increases in egg seizures are outpacing borders official interceptions of deadly fentanyl. It's so much easier to catch an egg, though. Of course, of course. You can just shake a guy and then watch it run down his leg. Yeah. We got to get a chicken. What are we doing? Just get your own chicken. You'll be like, it's like growing your own weed now. Yeah, it really is, dude.

Dude, make a fucking Fenton omelet. That's what I would do. That thing's got to go, man. And then you wonder, do the chickens know about the egg prices? They'd probably feel pretty good about themselves. Like, damn, I'm shitting out gold here. Yeah, imagine the pride they would walk around with. Exactly. And now Hooters is gone, so they're not getting chopped up for the wings. Chickens are living the dream. Dude, I quit. The last Hooters I went to was that one around the fucking West Bank over there. Oh, yeah. The one where Anthony Davis... Look at that. Oh, shit, I didn't even realize that. That's crazy.

Dude, I did not realize that. That's when Anthony Davis allegedly knocked up the waitress. Remember that? Yes.

Hoot ad on the back, baby. Yeah, that was a great Hooters. God, it was pretty good over there. Oh, yeah, but if RFK saw us eating that, he'd shit the bed. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, it'd be crazy to see what would happen, man. If they stop Hooters, we're all going to be in bad off. We do need better food. I think a lot of people get mad about RFK, but I'm like, we are sick, we are fat, we are obese, and we pay the most in health care, and we're the least healthy. And racism, too. Sure, I can't really...

Fix that. But you don't see somebody fasting that's using the fucking racial slurs. That's true. You don't see somebody fasting yelling out of their fucking window with their last like living available energy. Right. But if you yell the N word, you better run fast. You got to get the hell out of there. You got to be fast. Yeah.

That's a different kind of fasting. One more thing. Anything else you want to talk about again before we leave, Mark? Oh, boy. I feel like we covered a lot. We did. We totally did. You got to ask out Sydney Sweeney. That could be your next kid. Could be a Sweeney. She's going to be upset that we talked about her breasts, I bet, in the beginning. Yeah, but I think she's heard it all. I mean, imagine the fucking creepos DMing her. That's a good point. Yeah, and you're telling me to DM her now. Well, but you're a nice guy. You're successful. You're funny. Yeah.

She's going to be upset, though. But we were just joking. Yeah, of course. We're joking, you know. We were just joking, dude. I just watched White Lotus season one. That was great. Oh, nice. Yeah. Two is good, and three is bananas. It is? I mean, they upped it. I can't even imagine. It's naughty. It's dark, and don't watch it with your parents. I'll just say that. Tuesdays with stories, that's it? Tuesdays with stories, and we might be drunk. Those are the pods. Um...

Yeah, I still gotta fucking come up there, man. We'd love to have you. It's an open invite anytime. I owe you, man. No, bro, I know you're a busy queef. What about Luigi? I heard he's going to the death chair. Mangione? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did he really? I heard he's getting the death penalty. Maybe I'm wrong. But, yeah, look at that guy. Kind of pisses me off, man. The irony. Well, it sucks that he did this. You know, you shouldn't go around killing people. But it didn't change anything. That's the worst part. Right.

Well, it just shows you, man. I mean, I saw Luigi Mangione facing a slew of federal and state charges in the sling of health care CEO Brian Thompson could be sentenced to death if he's convicted of federal murder charges. And what criminal justice experts say was a rare but unsurprising move to pursue the death penalty by the Justice Department this week. Wow. Damn. Dude, remember Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that she's instructed federal prosecutors to seek the death penalty for Mangione 26th.

Dude, remember what happened with those Epstein binders? Remember that shit? Oh, yeah. That and the JFK. That just kind of went away. Well, I think there was nothing new in the JFK, right? I think everybody just kind of like...

It feels like there's nothing new there. But remember the binders? They gave them all to these, like, six, like, kind of bizarre influencers. Yeah. And look how, I mean, bro, how staged. This is the most staged thing ever, right? Yeah, and they can't be like, today's the day. It's coming out. And you're like, well, what are you doing to me? And then nothing has happened since then. No, they're edging us with this list. Yeah. How could it take this many years? How fake or procured? It's almost like you're just, I bet in the background, they are,

Threatening everybody. You're going to be on this list. Yeah. If you don't fucking file suit right now. That's got to be it. It's leverage. And then look at this binders. I mean, how fake is that? Well, we got Ghislaine. She's just sitting in a jail cell. Let's talk to that broad. Who is it? Ghislaine Maxwell. She did all the recruiting. Oh, yeah. She was like the, um, she did the college recruiting or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. She ran the portal. Yes, exactly. The portal. Uh,

Yeah, she's around. We can talk to her, but no. That's a good point. Where is she? What is she up to? I think she's sitting in a jail cell, living it up. It's getting fucking interesting in the world, guys. If you want to live in an interesting time, fucking this is it. This is it. You like playing the game Clue? This is it, man. That's it. Every day is Clue. It's the school shooter in the homeroom with the AK. Yeah. Every day, dude. Yeah.

Pelicans suck still. Yeah. Yeah. They fucking suck. What else is new? Yup. That's it. Saints. You hopeful for them next season? Always. Always. I feel like we got one Superbowl win in 2010 and it's, it's all downhill, but we had the, the Superbowl in New Orleans looked fucking amazing. Did you go? No. I killed it. I was texting Gillis. I was taking Bert. Like I had so much FOMO cause you know, we're from there and it was just, we should have been there. The city was alive. We should have been there. I just had a kid so I couldn't leave. Oh,

Oh, that kid's only a couple months old? Yeah, two months. Wow. Crazy. Do you really miss it when you're gone from it? I do. He's in the car right now. You're lying. No, no. But, yeah, he's... Oh, my God. Order him a coffee or something. That's a lot, man. Congratulations, dude. I feel like I didn't ask you enough about your kid. No, no. Everybody's got a kid. Retards and crackheads have kids. It's not that...

It's not that big of a deal. Is it fun having a kid in the city or does it make you start to think about moving out? Well, I got lucky. Me and the lady, we had the kid on the way. So we moved to Brooklyn. We got a backyard. We got some space. So that helps. Okay. But I like New York. Yeah. So we're staying. Well, you're an energy. You're that guy. Yeah.

Comedy. Uh, Mark Norman, thanks so much, dude. You have your new series that's on YouTube. It's on a punch up live, which is like a paywall kind of thing. So go to punch up live.com page of stage. Okay. Page to stage. You got it. And, um,

And you have your two podcasts, Tuesdays with Stories. Yep. And Drink. We might be drunk. We might be drunk. Mark Norman, thanks so much, dude. Have a blast at Kill Tony, man. Thank you. If we can even say you're doing it. Yeah. Hoot at, dude. Hoot at for life. Good to see you, buddy. You too, man. Thank you, bro. Now I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be on a stone Oh

Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found I can in my bones, but it's gonna take...

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