3 Mindset Shifts To Completely Transform Your Life & Relationships
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Our experts have the answers to those questions and many others. Tax Act. Let's get them over with. Do you think anyone can have a beautiful, amazing life if they live in a blaming mindset? No.

- No. - You know why? Because what I didn't realize as a young adult is that when you say it to somebody else, whether you mean to do it or not, you give them the keys to your life. You give them power over you. - They got your whole life in their hand. 'Cause you said it, you said it. They didn't do this and because they didn't, they got the keys. Now, I'll be honest, the reason why we don't wanna take the keys, 'cause we gotta drive.

We got to drive. And I told you, today, I was like, I got too much to do. I normally drive. I'm like, I got too much to do. And it felt good to be in the car driven. Oh.

- It felt good. - Yeah. - Like I'm on the phone talking to my wife, we having worship, doing our thing, making a couple of business calls. Like I don't have the responsibility of the traffic. - Paying attention. - I got paid attention. He moved over and got, I was like, why is he stopping in the middle of, but it was a fire truck was coming. So he had to move up. I didn't know what was going on because it was the first time in my life that I wasn't really like responsible 'cause I normally drive. And that's why people don't wanna drive in their lives. They don't wanna be responsible.

it's so much easier to say my life is messed up because you did this and you did that once you take the keys now you gotta go anything but i'm gonna tell you this this is why i like it while it's more responsibility it's more freedom oh it's more independence it's more control opportunities they limit it with the limitless way yeah you take the keys and so i took the keys in my life and said my thanks

Dad, thanks for not being there for me. You gave me a dog. You gave me a passion. You gave me resilience. You taught me how to make it when the very thing that's supposed to be there for you isn't there for you. And I tell people what I want. Some kid asked me the other day, he's like, man, when you say your son is lucky because you're in his life and his mom is in his life. I said yes and no. I said yes, he's blessed to have his mom and dad.

But he ain't got that dog. He doesn't have the hunger? He ain't got that dog. Oh, man. My son is a great kid. But he doesn't have the drive. He ain't got the same drive I got. And that drive came without some stuff that I had. That stuff came from lack. And so I say to anybody, you got it.

You got to understand it could go either way. But when you take the, you take the, it's like I walk into a school and I ask, how many of y'all, 50 kids? How many of you kids in here? A thousand kids. How many of your dads, one in your life was not living in the house? 90% raised their hand. And guess what? I automatically can relate to them. That,

That's the je ne sais quoi, that my daddy wasn't there. That's the it factor. If my father hadn't been there, I might not be able to go in here and relate on my videos and go viral. People are like, okay, maybe if I just had Eric's voice or if I just screamed and I just looked passionate.

Yeah, yeah, bro. That's not what that's not what it is. It's when I speak, you hear it because I've been through what you've been through. And so you recognize that voice. You recognize the pain. You recognize the struggle, but you recognize I overcame it. And that's why you like I want to rock with this.

do because this one ain't some kind of way Eric ain't the one that's making us feel like oh, it's okay that you went through this and it's okay that this and you it's okay if you don't want to grow and it's okay if you don't want no what you hear from me is a coach that's saying Jordan, you got six rings in you, but you got to stop playing this way and you got to start playing this way. Kobe, you got great, but you got to you got to do it this way. Serena, you got Venus. You got that Richard Williams is saying he's not out there just

- Good job, yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's teaching, training, but he's also correcting. And so for me, they hear my voice, I'm not letting you get away with murder because greatness is in you.

the greatness is in you. And now it's time to go to school. It's time to go to work and bring that greatness out of you. So yes, anybody, anybody could be successful. But as long as you're playing the blame game, you have given permission, the license, registration, the keys, you give it all over to somebody else. And the day you take it,

Is the day that you can start deciding which direction you want to go. Wow. So it sounds like step one, take the keys back to your life. Take the keys back. What would steps two and three be for setting people up for their ultimate life? What would that beginning process? Is it get clear on a goal? Is it start with motivation? Start with discipline? Like change your habits? What would the next couple steps be to set up the mindset for success? I would say step two.

And I don't know why they don't teach this in school. Be your first best friend. You know, like get to know you. We're so busy wanting to be in a community that we don't realize we are a community. Right. And look, I'm not trying to be deep. You know, people, you know, you believe this, you don't believe it is. But what I was taught, you know, in school, especially Catholic school, it seemed like

Adam was by himself first. It doesn't seem like it was like somebody else. It's like Adam was first and then whatever happened after that. So the first man was by himself. And I think that's important for those of us who study that. Why? Because all of us think we have to have somebody to be somebody.

And this guy started on it. He started his journey on his own before he connected with somebody, whatever. He knew his purpose. You know, he walked in his confidence. He walked in his own. And a lot of us are going, I hear people say all the time, well, I'm not doing good in life. Why not? I don't have nobody. I'm not in a relationship. I'm saying, you're telling me, no, listen to me very closely. Do you think for one minute that getting in a relationship with somebody, it can't be the key because so many people have gotten in relationships and got out of it. So that can't be the key. Now,

two healthy people, not perfect, but two healthy people coming together. Oh, no, that's different. It's expansive. But guess what has to happen? You gotta be healthy with you. You could be with this. So we even messing each other up when we have two dysfunctional people trying to connect with each other because we think two functional people don't come together and make each other happy. It's not gonna work. So I just think the first step after the first step

is you gotta figure out who you are and love you and feel good about you and show up in the ring you and not care what nobody think about you. And that's why this relationship has worked so well for me over the years because when we were together, it's never been a thing of E, why you do that? Or E, why you do that? It's always been like E, you have a unique set of skills that make you great. You have

a unique set. And so we've always focused on what's our unique skill and what do you know that I don't know and how can you help me get there? And so a lot of these young kids are

joining things they shouldn't join and being with people because they think their happiness is going to come from being with somebody else. And I just think if you, if you be, eagles aren't trying to, they just are, they not trying, lions aren't, what do you think about me? What do you think about my roar? You think I'm too loud when I roar? That's not a concern. And so I think step two, figure out who you are, love you, and step three,

Figure out your North Star and wake up every single day going after your North Star because when you have a North Star,

you know, and the people that you love and you spend time with have a North Star, have a purpose. And look, their purpose might be, we both have people whose purposes are help us with our purpose. They don't necessarily have an individual purpose. Like they felt like they were called to help us to serve our mission. That's it. So we need a North Star so they can know what their North Star is. So that would be my third one. It's like, you've got to figure out what makes you happy. And again, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it.

First time I did a behind the scenes coming in here, just because I was like to my Patreon community, like, yo, y'all need to understand where I am and what's going on. But I don't, if you follow me on Instagram or TikTok, wherever I'm on, you don't see behind the scenes. I think that's a phenomenal tool to show other people what, but my wife is private.

So for us, that does not work. She does not want to be seen in the limelight. She doesn't want to be in Dubai and stop and go, let's take a, let's document what we're doing. She doesn't like that. So for some people it works, but I don't have to do that to still find a space

Right. There's some people, you know, they do tours. Right. I don't do tours. That's not my thing. I used to do them. I don't do them now. There's some people that write books. Some people don't write books like it doesn't matter. But what matters is you have to find a thing that wakes you up at three o'clock or six o'clock or ten o'clock. Like you got to find the thing that brings the life out of you, the joy out of you, the happiness out of you.

And you can't do that following somebody else's North style. So my last one would be, man, figure out what you was put on this earth to do. And I mean, every single chance you have to do it, do it. And when you're not doing it, enjoy your life.

My son was like, "Dad, I'm tired." I said, "You tired? You burnt out for what? Look at your mom and dad. You work for the family company. What are you doing?" "Well, I've been up the last six days working 10, 12 hours." I said, "For what? What would you be doing that for? Like, why wouldn't you take advantage of the..." He said, "What should I be doing?" I said, "You should figure out what it is you do." He's a designer, right? You should be designing clothes Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, whenever, five, six hours a day.

And then Saturday, Sunday or Friday, Saturday, because of your family, you should get a trip somewhere and go spend it with a friend. You should go see, you should go to Italy. You should go to Rome, son. You should go to South Africa, son. You should go to the Gold Coast in Australia, son. What are you, like, you should, what are you doing? Like,

You should work, but a part of work also is where's your play? You should play. We worked hard so you could be balanced. So don't be like us. We grew up in a working class home. We grew up in Detroit. We grew up blue collar. You're not blue collar. So go enjoy your life. Be balanced. So I'm not just saying find your no star in terms of what you've been called to do for others, but there should be a

healthy amount of time that you spend enjoying your life, you know, and enjoying the little time that you have here with us. We both know we won't be doing this podcast 100 years from now. Sure. We don't know how much longer we have, but I won't be 154 sitting down talking to you. So however much time I have left, I need to work hard and I need to enjoy that time. Absolutely. Those are beautiful, man. I've heard you talk about a concept I want to share in a second.

But I feel like there's a group of people we've been talking to, you've been talking to, that are the people that maybe don't have the opportunities they want. They don't have the life they want. They feel like people are holding them down. That's one group. Then there's another group of people, which I feel like is a majority of people that have a good life. It's okay. It's good. But they're not living a great life for themselves. Maybe they got a good job and they're pretty healthy. Got a decent relationship. But there's something missing.

I think if you can, if that resonates with anyone listening or watching comment below or leave a like, if you feel like, yeah, my life is good, but I feel like something's off. You have this great concept called creating a mental rock bottom to push yourself towards your goals. Can you share more about kind of some practical steps of creating your own mental rock bottom so that you can go to the next level in your life? Okay. I want to use the term that you use and you say create.

And I just think so many of us have stepped into careers that group. We have worshiped careers more than we worshiped creation. And so the first thing I would say to that group is, what would life look like if you did it on your terms? Because right now, you're really not doing it on your terms. What you've done is say, yo, if I want to survive...

If I want to strive, this is what I have to do. And you have allowed people to tell you, okay, you need to be an engineer. And you need to move in. So you've done a phenomenal job in being obedient. You've done a phenomenal job in complying. Yes. Like you've done a phenomenal job. You follow the rules. Yes. Congratulations. You know what I'm saying? Like you didn't rob them.

You know what I'm saying? Like, you haven't done anything illegal. You did exactly what a good child should do. And I have a daughter that I have to get on her sometimes because she's that child that's like, "Yo, dad, what do you guys want me to do?" -She's obedient. -And I said, "Do me a favor. Don't always be obedient." Like, you need to sit down and ask yourself if you weren't thinking about the family's name, if you didn't-- if Eric Thomas, ET, the hip-hop preacher, was not your father, what would you be doing?

What would you be doing if you didn't have to worry about honoring, you know, the dynasty? And you do a phenomenal job of honoring this dynasty. I'm not saying anything. Went to school, handled your business. You've never been in trouble before. We've never had to spend money doing anything. You've been a phenomenal child. But what would you do if you lived life on your terms and you were able to go where you were doing? And so that's the first thing I would ask them to do. I want you to think about your life instead of their life.

Because that's what you've been thinking about, the life. Now think about your life, and I want you to start putting it everywhere. Now, the next thing I want you to do is I want you to know that if you have the ability, like I'll never forget, CJ was like, okay, E, you know what you're missing? That the big boy, all the big boy speakers, you know what you're missing? I was like, no. He was like, the New York Times bestseller. Right.

Now, I'm not telling you got to do it, but I'm saying that's what's missing. You got it. So he was like, first of all, do you want it? Do you want it? Don't do it because I'm saying you need it. But do you want it? And he could elevate you, but do you want it? And I was like, yeah, I want it. The next question becomes, what does it take to do it? And then am I willing to do what it takes to get it?

That's it. Because it's a lot. It's a lot. But here's the thing. I believe if you think about it, it is only because somewhere inside of you, you have what it takes. Now, capacity is there. Willingness is something totally different. Yes. That's different. But I want every human to know

You wouldn't be watching the school of... You wouldn't be watching or listening to the school of greatness if you didn't believe you were great. I'm just... For real. You wouldn't be spending time with this man on a regular basis. I'm telling you, I wouldn't be going to Columbus. Right. I drove to Columbus.

- Bruh, it's not a... Trust me when I tell you, it's not a... You don't get off the freeway. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know what I'm saying? Like, it's not 65 and you get off. Why did I go? Because this man is great, and greats wanna hang with greats. I need y'all to understand. Look, y'all may not know. Listen to me.

nomad suitcases that I still carry this day because he gave them to me. I didn't buy a new one. I carried the exact same ones that he gave me. And my son bought a set because I had a set. Because...

It reminds me of him when I travel. It's like greatness, so you wouldn't be watching, you wouldn't be locked in, something in your spirit has you tuned into this man because you know you're great. Now you got to say to yourself, am I willing to cooperate with the greatness that's in me? And then once you do...

and you start consistently operating in that, you're gonna feel good about it. Here's what you have to do. You have to understand, Andre DeShields, I think, said, "The top of one mountain is the bottom of the next." - Wow. - So you get to the top of the mountain, but you understand the GED was just one, the four-year degree was just one, the master's just, after the PhD was the New York Times, but after that, it's the assessments, it's the training, it's the coaching. I'm in masterminds.

I did coached. Yeah. Right. And so it's this idea of yesterday's greatness can't be enough because I'm alive today. So if I'm alive today, it must be some more greatness in me. And it's my job, like the toothpaste is my job, not to just, I don't know about you, but I would just use a little bit of and get another one. I,

He getting the last drop. I'm squeezing. I ain't got money. I'm squeezing that toothpaste. Why? Because I'm trying to get everything out the tube before I go to another. And with my life, before I get out of here, which is why I could murder myself.

that I didn't realize at 12 that I was great. And that's why I said, you gotta check in 2025, you 2025, right? Because I didn't know I was great. And once I checked in and realized how great I was, I was like, bro, we gonna keep doing this.

And to the day we die. And so I would just say, you're watching, you're in this space, you're reading his books, you're going to his conferences because you know it's in you and it's time to stop being lazy. And it's time to activate. I love that, man. Well, here's the thing why I think a lot of people might stay stuck is they...

they allow their feelings to keep them in place of frustration. You have this great example that you say execution should be fact-based, not feeling-based, but people feel the overwhelm of the economy or the government or their parents or their partner or whatever the responsibilities of the world, they feel anxious, avoiding, overwhelmed, burnt out.

like doubtful insecure and they allow feelings to consume their inaction so how what's an example of how someone can shift from being driven by emotions into fact-based actions towards their it was what you teach man the meditation thing people don't take it seriously yeah this is the time

to get control of your mind. And for most of us, our mind is in control of us. So when you talk about meditating, it's like this is a habit of the greats. And one of the habits of those individuals who are not where they want to be is, I'm not trying to be funny, but it's like lazy. To absolutely meditate regularly is a discipline. It is, man. It's not easy. It's not easy to get control of your mind.

I'm like, where did that thought come from? Right? So guys, let's go back to the 12 year old that found the birth certificate, right? We found the birth certificate. We found the birth certificate in the emotional state. - Oh yeah. - We found it in the emotional state. Listen to me, I'm not the first kid who has ever gone through this experience. And you know what I had to ask myself in that mirror at 16, 17, 18, I had to keep asking myself, when you saw it, why did you see it that way?

Why did you not call your mom and say, "Mom, you wouldn't talk about this."

Why didn't you go, hey, Ma, the counselor, can we go sit down and talk to the counselor? Hey, Ma, call Dad. Can we just sit down? And listen to me. I went from, I can't believe that you would do me like this. I went from a ball of emotions to living in abandoned buildings. It was the stupidest decision I had probably ever made. I put myself in so much danger as a 12-year-old, 13-year-old, homeless. Based on emotions. On emotions. So the same document, nothing changed about it.

But if I could go back as this adult and look at that, I would look at his facts and go, wow, your mother protected you.

Wow, your mom loved you so much that she didn't want you with your biological father because she thought he could be a threat. Right, wrong, or indifferent. Your mom didn't do this because she was trying to hurt you. Your mom did this because she was trying to protect you. Your mom brought you into a family. Your mom didn't try to hide the identity. She wanted this man to be your father. He changed your name and gave you his last name. Wow, he treated me as if I was his own.

Wow. He didn't lie. He made his family treat me as if I was... And don't ever say anything about my past because my past has nothing to do with him making a decision at the courthouse to be my dad. It's the same document. What? Emotional? The other...

one is factual your mother loves you your mother cares for you your mother's trying to put you in a healthy environment your mother has a job your mother married somebody who was a former gm he has a job he has a college degree he played basketball he's a responsible man he protects us from taking but emotion wouldn't let me be rational

Emotional wouldn't let me think rationally. It had me irrational. So I would say when you make emotional decisions, you get emotional consequences. But it takes meditation. It takes controlling of the mind to say, how should I behave? How should I think in this situation? And what's going to give me the best outcomes? And I'm going to be honest. I've learned

We can save the emotions for when I'm looking at the Nomad bag and going, man, that's my boy. Thank you. Why would you even buy me? Like, what would make you think of, and this is a perfect gift. You know what I'm saying? Like, I didn't think to buy suitcases for myself. That's where the emotion should be. Me coming in, seeing you, hugging you. What's up, fam? But when it comes to business... Yeah.

When it comes to being a leader and a decision maker, we're not doing emotions. We're doing empirical evidence. We're doing facts. What does the fact say? What does the research say? What does the evidence say? Okay, and based on the research and the evidence, this is the game plan. Let's go. It doesn't matter how you feel. Yeah. Yeah, it don't matter how you feel. Man, I love this. Yeah. Welcome to Not A Yacht.

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We're talking about really developing kind of a bulletproof mindset when the last five years for a lot of people has been a lot of stress, overwhelming anxiety. In order to have a more powerful, resilient mindset, how important is it for not just me and you, because I already know the answer for me and you. How important is it for everyone to have mentors in their life? Same thing, man. Listen to me.

I never even thought about being a multimillionaire or billionaire until I was in the room with Warren Buffett. I didn't even know how much it was worth when I was in the room afterwards. And then this all started making sense. Okay, now that I know who I am, you, 2025, like, check, I know who I am. Now it's, oh, real estate is a way? Oh, so you mean to tell me that being a blue collar, okay, that's what my parents knew, but you don't make a whole bunch of money working it.

You make more money when you put your money to work. Oh, that's real estate. Oh, helping kids who are talented figure out their talent and taking a percentage.

Oh, okay. I didn't even know this stuff exists. Got it. And so it is, it is important. Bob Proctor pulling me to the side. How much do you charge? You should be charging. Les Brown calling me and said, I'll meet you in Orlando. Les Brown sitting me down talking to me. Listen to me, coach. It is everything. Why? Because I just said, think of Michael Jordan without Phil Jackson. Right. Think of Venus in Serena without Richard Williams. Like,

Like, yo, I just want you to picture Kobe without Phil Jackson. Think about Tim Grook without Mike, without Tim Grok. Come on, not Tim. So coaching is critical. Here's what's going to blow your mind.

When you get to our level, you really need more coaching. We didn't exhausted all the stuff you really need coaching after Jordan after Jordan everyone is first championship. He didn't say I think I've got it figured out on my own. I don't need a coach. He said, let me find Tim to train me. Let me find the mindset coach, the recovery coach, you know, make sure we're getting to the next level. They said they said I read it but it's research. I'm almost sure it's true that LeBron look at LeBron what he's doing right now.

It's amazing, man. Bro, let me check. 40? Check in Duncan on 20-year-olds. Whoever had the arguments, you know what I'm saying? Because there were those of us who was alive. Yeah. We watched Jordan do his thing. But, bro, what LeBron is doing right now,

But when I do my research and not emotional about, oh, how is he doing it? Just, hey, no. When I do my research, he spent a 1.5 million on his body. Yeah. Recovery coaches, meaning dietary coaches. Everything. Meaning mental and emotional coaches, acting coaches. Like, he got all. And so you see the decision he made. And you see, okay, yeah, he was great. But that investment that he made in himself and

And now look, his son is in and then he got another son as part. These are decisions that he's making. He's not emotional. These decisions are based on facts of experts. And then we're seeing the outcomes of it. We're seeing the numbers they putting up at this age versus the and nobody's ever put these kind of numbers up at this particular age around. So we all raise coaches, you know, and so that's why I've made the decision that he

The one area that you need to step up in, speaking is good, traveling the world, but you got to, the same way people open up doors for you and walk you through, you have got to do the same thing. And I've literally, the last two years,

have had a small group of people that every morning I wake up with and I train them for an hour every single morning. It's amazing. And what's amazing about that is to see the difference between people I coach and people who watch me online. Wow. It's a difference. You're watching me online. You're getting the motivation, but you're not getting the daily schedule.

You're not getting the things to do list. You're not getting the mindset. You're not getting the analytics. You're not getting the blueprint. So it's like you're watching and then you are in turn. And this is why I think audio books are good, but I think

training with our books are good because people will read our books and interpret them in a way that we didn't intend for their interpreted. Yeah. So when we do the training or they get to come to a conference where they get to watch the podcast, they're really investing more to what was

What was he really saying? And if they can do what you're saying, that habit, they can get the outcomes that me and you get. - Yeah, and it's also being around other people who are in that mindset, who are pushing and you're seeing them grow and it's influencing you to grow. And you're, so the community aspect of we're getting coached together, we're growing together, we're working on our goals together, all that stuff. You've got an amazing challenge coming up. It's u2025.com.

where you're going to put people through a lot of what we've been talking about and more. 21 days. 21 days, every day, coaching, teaching, mentoring, giving them schedule. What I actually do, not just the passion and stuff you hear online, but the actual, and for free, but you, I'm going to walk you through how many steps I take a day, what I'm drinking. Why do I, why did I decide to wake up at this time? Why am I doing this? So that,

you can start the year off. There should be like in class, especially if you go to college, it should be like you owe you 101, you owe you 215, you owe you 312. Like literally, you get to sit down and go, who am I? What are my skills? What are the things that I'm challenged with? Like what industries would I be best in? We spend so much time trying to get that we, I don't think we spend enough time who we are.

Like who should we become? - Yeah, that's beautiful, man. So they can go to you2025.com to register for that. That's powerful, man. I feel like I could talk to you for a long time on this, but I wanted to ask you a couple more questions before we wrap up. Again, we're going back to the 12 year old you who's down and out figuring about your dad's not your biological dad in your lives, your mom lied, challenges in life. And we're talking about where you're at now.

Where do you think you'd be without a spiritual relationship with God in your life over the last 30 plus years with all the ups and downs? Where would you be in life right now, the ETU, with no spiritual relationship? I'd say either dead. I'd say dead. Really? Yeah, because I was an extremist. You know, everything I did, I did it to the fullest. You know, so I think I would be dead, honestly.

I would say this to simplify for people, because sometimes when you talk spirituality, for some people it's just too deep. I would say to you, what happened when I made a commitment to God?

Is that I connected with the person that made me who knew me like nobody else knew me he coach me from 12 year-old to now he coach me. I know you I made you is I know I know what's the best environments for you. I know who's good for you not good for you. I know your temptations. I know your your vices, you know, I know you're good habits bad habits and just let me let me teach you wow, you know, and so is it was maybe 5, 6 years of fighting

- Resisting. - Resisting, you know, and because he introduced himself to me at eight, and I guess maybe it was too young, but homeless, I was like at 16, like, okay, I'm ready to get coached. Where's that coaching program you said you had? I'm ready for that coach. And so from 16 to maybe 25, you know, it was like, okay, I'm going to come to coaching some days, some days I'm not, some days I'm going in, some days I'm not. And then my son was born. I was almost 25 years old, Jalen was born.

And Jalen was born in 1995. I turned 25 in September. He was born July 20th. And when Jalen was born, it was the day coach said to me, this is why I've been trying to train you, because I wanted you to be the best father you could be. And so you miss him. You miss some classes. You miss some lessons.

Your son is here now. He needs the best version of you. We can't repeat the mistakes of the past. And so I need you to hurry up. And so when Jalen was born, from that day forward, I remember when he was born, I held him. It was kind of like he looked at me like, you're the person that's going to take care of me? Wow. And that was the day. And this is what a lot of you are running from. It's the R word. And I get it because it's tough. Responsibility. Yeah.

That was the day where it was like, oh, you got to be responsible for somebody else. Yeah. You cannot. You got. I've never played a video game since Jalen was born. Wow. I've read more books since Jalen was born. That first year or two that I ever read in my life. I took my career seriously speaking. I start, you know, Zig Ziglar, you know.

Nightingale, you know, Ogmundino, Bob Proctor, all these people. You name them. Dennis Kimbrough, like I went deep, I went heavy. You know, Arthur Ashe, you know, days are great. And I read everything. I was in the library like an addict just studying and studying and studying. And it was because I didn't want some of the consequences of the past to come in this generation.

And so for me, it was like, yo, your son's here. You got to handle your business. And I just heard, I was more attentive. I started getting up at six and then I'd play this game. Daylight saving times would come. I would, okay, say, don't follow it. Stay up at five is the new. And then the next year, the four. And then I got started getting up at three and I started getting up at three o'clock in the morning because it was still, there was no dogs outside. Nobody was driving around. The family was asleep. And I was like, okay, coach,

I'm sorry. Let's go back over the lessons I didn't get, and let's go over the new lessons. Like, coach me. Show me. Nobody knows me. Man, I tell people I had a brand-new Cadillac. Man, it ain't got 10,000 miles in the engine blue.

And I immediately took it back to Cadillac. I didn't take it to BMW. I didn't take it to Honda. I took it straight to Cadillac. And I went right back to the creator. I was like, yo, you made me. And I'm tearing this car up. I'm not putting oil in it. I'm not changing the rotating the tires. I'm not putting fluid in it. Show me how to take care of this. And he began to show me how to do it. And it's just like amazing to see

When we're all want to core and I'm following the he told me is that it was time. I think I call you maybe last year like you know, I need to it was like no no, he's just close call to say what's up is here you know, and then this time it was like you need to do it, you know, it's hard. I got Brandon I think I was like all right, you know, so just listen to him do what he's telling me to do coach me so I would say you don't spiritualize to make it to do is to coach.

And just get a relationship with the coach. Let the coach get a relationship with you and just do what he told you to do and you're going to love the results. And so I don't want to just be happy. I want the creator to go, yeah, I'm grateful that I created you. And I see you're doing in the world what it was that I wanted you to do. And now also for yourself, what I wanted you to do, because I wanted you to be happy too. I didn't want your life to just be about work and being a blessing. I wanted you to be blessed as well. So that's it.

You're a very driven person. You've shown that over your whole career, right? In your life. Overcome a lot of different challenges and adversities in the first time in so many different ways. When someone is going through a dark time, and however that looks for them, a breakup, a death, a letdown, any type of dark time in their life,

Is it possible to keep being driven in your career and your goals and your dreams when you're going through sadness and darkness and grief and loss without also being able to heal on the process? Can you heal and be driven at the same time?

Or is it only you can be driven because you're masking the pain and the suffering and you're not actually addressing it? Is it possible to do both be driven in the darkness? Yeah. Well, that's what's so beautiful about this experience in life, right? Is that like we don't have to be one dimensional, that all things can be true at the same time. You know, it's the reason why it's like I remember once shortly after Peter had died,

I was sitting with a friend and she was telling me a story and I started laughing hysterically. You know, it was like, yeah, it was like from my belly, you know, the kind of laugh that makes you want to fall over and slap something, you know, that kind of laugh. And then almost stopping short because I was like, oh, I'm supposed to be sad. You know, I'm not supposed to laugh like this. The truth of the matter is that like, isn't that what life is?

Even when you're grieving, you can have belly laughs that take you out of that pain for however long that is. Maybe it's a second or maybe it's five minutes or maybe it's a few days. So if you're in a dark place, can you still be driven? Of course you can. It's not a constant either though, where it's like being gentle with yourself and knowing that even when you're in the darkness, there will be times when you don't feel like getting up. But it's not forever.

or to feel badly that you're driven even though you're going through something. So like even when, yeah, it was like when I decided to move from New York and take the next job and people were like, shouldn't you be in a cave somewhere crying your eyes out? Like, why are you so ambitious? Sit down.

And yeah, I did question myself too. Like, why am I not sitting down somewhere? Like, why am I still out here pushing? There've been many, many moments like that. And I don't think that there has to be only one definition for how we are. So like, yes, if you're in a place where you feel like the textbook expectation

Should be that you should take one step at a time, take it one day at a time. I hate that phrase, by the way. Instead of taking it one day at a time, what should we do? We should take it all. Do everything. All at once. Make it messy. Make it unpredictable. Defy logic. Like, why does it have to be so ordered?

One day at a time for what? One step at a time for what? Sometimes I'm gonna run. Sometimes I'm gonna skip. Sometimes I'm gonna go backwards. Sometimes I'm gonna lay down. Sometimes I'm gonna sit up and look at the world. And sometimes, yes, I will take one step. But why does it have to be so ordered all the time? And so the freedom in that, I think allows us then to be multiple things at one time. So that yes, you can be driven and in a dark place. You can be hurting and still laugh.

you can be healing and still trying to figure out how to avoid the next hurt. You know? Like, all of those things can be true at the same time. It doesn't have to mean that you're wrong or that you're doing it wrong. You know, it's like there's no definition for how you're supposed to live your life. And I think that's also the other beautiful thing. You know, the fact that, like, no one has ever been where I am before. -Right. -Not a person on the planet. You know? And so it's like, why would I subscribe

to the steps somebody else thinks should be ordered for me. There's no plan like that. - No one fully understands your life experiences. They might be able to relate to some things, but they don't fully understand and comprehend everything. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's so much freedom in that.

it's like, you don't have to listen to anybody. - Right, exactly. - You know, and so it's like, yes, you can be hurt and trying to heal, maybe taking the steps to healing, you know, whether that's therapy or you're working on something that you feel like, or taking a risk that you would have been fearful of before, but still like being driven about this thing or like being, you know, like, okay, I'm gonna accomplish this even though I'm not 100%.

Like that's the thing that always like I'm thinking about is that like, again, you don't have to have a full tank of gas to get to the other side of town. You know what I mean? Maybe you had a quarter tank and you know that it's gonna take you like, you know, just up to that, like right at that quarter to get there. You know, it's like go anyway. Why does the tank have to be full? You know what I mean? So for me, I'm constantly thinking about that, that like I'm still in the process of healing. That whole statement about like time heals all wounds.

It's a bull. Okay. It does not. - Well, it's interesting you say that 'cause I've got an emotional coach that I work with, I was telling you about, pretty much every two weeks.

She says like, healing is a journey. It's not like a destination where you're like, okay, now I'm healed. It's okay, now I've come to an awareness about the things. Now I've started processing it. Now I'm integrating the lessons. Now I went back two steps because I triggered again. Now I reintegrate and I process it some more and time helps, but it may not heal all. You know what I mean? So it's our constant awareness of it.

constant grace in the process of being a human being. Yes. You know what I mean? Yes. You know, you just made me think of something because like this idea of like waiting to heal before you do the thing. That's the opposite of living the urgent life. You know, because if you're constantly waiting until you are healed or you're constantly waiting until that next thing happens or you get to the right spot or then you won't be fulfilled in your life. Mm hmm.

If I waited to be totally healed from the trauma of my husband dying, I would not have moved across the country. If I was waiting to be healed from the death of my first child, I would not be a mother today. All these things that we're waiting to accomplish or waiting to be fixed before you can do the next thing, it's like a waste of time.

yeah i think it's inspiring when we have the courage to do the next thing and be aware that we're on a healing journey yes you know i'm never going to be fully healed but i'm in the process of it i'm working on it i'm doing this and i'm going to do it anyways and there's no shame yeah exactly there's no shame in that you know by the way that's another like whole unlock that i had for myself and in my career believe it or not was that i opened

this vulnerability that I had closed off before. You know, this idea of the perfection, that things had to be great and, like, complete in order to move to the next thing. And very quickly,

I mean, I was kind of thrown into it when I accepted the job with Jimmy. That like, I had no idea what music streaming was. I'd never done that before. I was not an expert in it. But it didn't mean that I couldn't go do it. And guess what? I figured it out. You know what I mean? Or like moving, anything in my life, which has felt like, gosh, I need to like really have conquered this thing in order to move to the next one has been a lie.

And it is actually how I counsel a lot of women, especially who are like early in their career or mid-career even, you know, that who are waiting to rack all the things before they take the next risk. I'm just like, oh, you know that like that actually doesn't work, right? Like you can't wait until like you've checked off every box.

before you jump to the next thing that you gotta do. You gotta leave some room for growth. Your cup is, if it's all the way full, how are you gonna put more stuff in it?

You know what I'm saying? Like, you gotta have a little bit open at the top in order to pour more experiences in there. You know, so it's like, if you're ever just like full to the brim, you've checked off everything, then there's no more growth for you. - As a business owner, you wear a lot of hats. One minute you're ordering today's inventory and the next you're planning tomorrow's expansion.

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So as I even look at myself, that is where I am now, where it's just like there is no more growth if you're all the way full. If you're checked off everything before you take the next risk, where are you going to put the stuff that you're getting? Yeah. You know? So, yeah, it's like leave the tank like quarter full.

- Well, that's why I think it's really cool because in this off season that you're having in this last year, you're filling up your cup of your health and wellness. You're filling up your relationship cups. You're filling up your adventure and travel cups, you know, your relaxation cup.

You're filling those up, but you're emptying your cup of career and success and this to see the space of what can come in next. That's right. To see where you can grow into next. So I think it's a great analogy. It's like, you know, fill another cup, you know. Yeah. But that cup, you've got to empty it out. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Or get more cups. You know what I mean? Get more cups. You know what I mean? It's like, maybe my corporate cup is full. I have a brand new cup. - But you look like you're in your best health and wellness phase of your, you know, since I've known you. Not that you were not in great shape before or emotionally in a good place, but you feel energetically peaceful. I see you training. I see you like getting healthy in even better ways.

I see you with photos with your daughter and things like this and just like enjoying life together, traveling and bringing her in your life more and those trips. I'm sure you did that before too, but...

- And so you're able to experience things in a different way to allow for things to open up, which I think is great. - Absolutely, absolutely. But that's also, like I said, part of the learning of this, you know, which is just like, I don't have to have had things complete in order to move to the next thing, you know? I'm sure there are people who would look at my career and say, "Oh, but you haven't done that thing yet." You know, "Don't you think you should do that before you retire?" You know, but like, do I need it?

"Probably not." You know? And so it's like, why continue? Why continue to do that thing? So again, I think a lot of it really just has to do with self-reflection at the end of the day. - Yes. - Listening to your own spirit, listening to your own needs and wants, and making sure that you're not lying to yourself based on the stories that other people have told you, based on narratives that are running around the planet that you've accepted.

as the truth and maybe we're lies. You know what I mean? So I feel like there's such an opportunity for me too, you know, to re-look at everything and yes, be a healthier human and focus more on like, yeah, my physical health. Yes. And focus on my relationship with my daughter, you know, explore the planet in ways that I haven't before.

Like in 2022, I did a little Instagram reel about this that every month last year, I worked out in a different country. - You worked out in a different country? - Yeah. - That's pretty cool. - It was fantastic. - That's awesome. - But you know, it was like, God, what a dream to be in a place where I'm not

I'm financially secure enough to do that. - That's cool. - Where I have the time to do that. - You spent 20 years building your career and you're stacking your income and saving and investing so that you have the opportunity after 20 years to do that. - Yeah, and to take advantage of it now. - And enjoy it. - Yeah. - And have an urgency around it. - Man, because like, what am I gonna do? When I'm 75, well, hopefully I'll still be working out and still healthy. But you know what I'm saying? Like waiting for that,

is not the answer. So even in that I have urgency. - So there's this, you know, I love your story about you were satisfied at 20 something years old in the back of the cab or the black car and you're satisfied now. And I think a lot of people hear this concept of never be satisfied. But we were just talking about how

be satisfied with where you are, but also be striving for your purpose, your mission and stepping into that. And what are your thoughts on the idea of never be satisfied?

You know what? I understand why somebody would say that. You know, like you should always be hungry. Like you should always be chasing. That's a good motivator, you know, to get the next thing so that you wake up and you want to go get it. But that's a terrible way to live. It's a complete, I vehemently disagree with the concept that you should never be satisfied.

It's like, you should be satisfied. You should be satisfied. You should wake up feeling satisfied with your life. It doesn't mean that you don't want the next thing. Of course you want the next thing. But like, if life were to end today, would you want to have lived an unsatisfied life? Would you want like, I think I really do think of Peter at those last days, you know, and think about all the things that he was unsatisfied about.

I don't want that for myself. I don't want that for you. I don't think any of us should live that way. So be satisfied. You know, and that doesn't mean lesser than. Be satisfied even if you're just starting out as an assistant getting coffee. If you're the CEO, if you're anywhere in between, if you're in an off season. Yes. Be satisfied. Be satisfied with like how wonderful you have it.

You know, even the least of us, even the people who are like, you know, in this terrible place, like I said, like, we can't be satisfied. Like, the day after Peter died,

Actually, no. It was a few days later because we were having his funeral. He died on December 11th, 2013. It was four days before his 44th birthday. And so on his 44th birthday, December 15th, we had his funeral and made it a party. And I was sitting there and, you know, kind of in a haze, but then also, you know, that moment of clarity where I'm looking around the room and like his fraternity brothers are drinking beers and they're sharing stories about him and, you know,

My daughter's sleeping on my mom's lap and I've got my sisters in the corner trying to busy themselves, getting out plates of food and whatnot and see people connecting. And it was the oddest thought. I looked around and I was just like, wow, this is a good group of people. This is a great place to be, to have this.

And so I was satisfied in that moment. The most terrible thing had happened in my life. But I was looking around and feeling very satisfied with who I had around me. And that, I think, is what I would like for all of us to consider. That even when things are bad and going wrong, you can still be satisfied. You can still feel like, this is it.

and it is okay yeah it's okay i'm a big fan of the the title of the book the urgent life and when i saw this i was just thinking to myself yes right away because we have like similar completely different experiences but similar feelings probably from experiences we've had so my father went got in an accident he had a traumatic brain injury and was in a coma for three months when i was 21.

And I remember, we didn't know if he was gonna live or die, but he eventually woke up after three months. And he was a completely different person. Like he was physically alive, but emotionally and mentally kind of gone. It took him a while to like learn how to talk again. He wasn't able to work anymore. He had amnesia. So when I'd see him, he'd be like, "What's your name again?" It was just a different type of relationship, right? I had to learn to love my father for who he was,

and start to grieve the man that he once was before, right? And I remember thinking he was in his early 50s when this happened. He had worked so hard for 30 years as a life insurance salesman where he finally was starting to make money where he could travel and have some freedom in his life. And he was starting to feel like he was happy for the first time, fully happy. And then this accident happened. And I remember being really angry at life

that my dad didn't get to go live the rest of his life the way he wanted to and i felt like i had so much urgency to go pursue everything i wanted like from that moment on yeah i was like i'm not gonna let any fear or insecurity hold me back

It might still be there, but I'm at least gonna take the actions on my goals, my dreams and live urgently because what if this happens to me? What if I get in a car accident tomorrow? And something like that happens to me, I'd be sad that I didn't at least go try. And this, again, completely different experience you had, but it created a feeling of urgency in your life

with your ex-husband, right? With your husband. Yeah. Which was almost 10 years ago. Yeah. Is that right? Yeah. 10 years in December. And can you explain the story about what had happened with your husband around wanting to get divorced and then the cancer situation and how being at a very dark, sad, challenging time, sad time,

Wanted you to create urgency at the same time and live into your best self during sadness. Can you explain a little bit about that? Well, first of all, I really appreciate what you just said and shared about your dad, you know, because I feel that for all of us who are living this life on this like hurtling rock that we call home, you know,

We don't always have to have had the same experience to understand essentially the concept of what I'm talking about. This need for urgency. And it's not necessarily about the rush through life. It's about the intention. Knowing, like you said, I want to do these things because what if? So then you're intentional about saying, okay, I want to live a big life or I want to go do this thing that I'm dreaming of, or I want to push a little harder because what if? Right?

And the same thing for me in that I don't think of the end of life in this morbid way where I'm just like, oh, today might be my last day. I don't think of it in a morbid way. It's very inspiring to me, actually. It makes me want to get up and go do the thing. And again, it's not about a rush. It's like I want to make the best use of my time.

that I have. I don't know how long it is, but I want to make the best use of it. And I'm also conscious of the fact that I won't do everything. And so that means that I have to be very intentional about the things I choose to do. Because if you walk around thinking like, oh, I have the time, I'll just do everything at some point, then maybe you don't get to do anything at all. So I'm intentional in knowing that like, oh, okay, I might not get a chance to complete everything. So what's the most important thing? And then I want to do those things.

And so at the time in December of 2013, when Peter passed away, we were there. You know, where the stories are true. You're sitting at the deathbed and you're talking about all the things you wish you'd done. Is that what he was saying? Oh, yeah. We talked about so much. Oh, man. The things he wanted to do, his hopes and dreams, what he wants for Lael, our daughter, like what he wanted for her in the future.

You know, all of those things. And I was sitting there listening and thinking and crying and making promises and all of the things and knowing that I need to change the way I live. You know, he wouldn't have a chance to do it over. So I need to do it, you know? And it was such a dark time also because we were already going through so much on top of

being at death's door, you know, that like our marriage had fallen apart. We had been separated for a couple of years already through so much, oh gosh, additional traumas that happened to us, misunderstandings, anger, you know, that we couldn't overcome with just love, you know? - Unmet expectations, everything, yeah. - Oh man, you think love conquers everything and no it does not. - Love is not enough. - Love is not enough.

You know, love is not enough. And it was all of that turmoil that led us to that moment where I am sitting holding his hand and his breath gets shallower and shallower, you know, and thinking about all the things I would have done differently if I had a shot to do it again. You know, it's not necessarily that like, oh, I wish life had turned out differently. It's just that I wish I had

been motivated differently. What were you motivated by before then? Oh, man. I think at that time I was motivated by just my own need for my own life. You know? Not really focused on anybody else's. And that sounds very selfish, but that's where I was. You know? It was not-- I was a mother and a wife, but I was so only focused on myself.

Really? Yeah. At that time? Yeah. I mean, it's like, you know, there was so much that had happened on my path to motherhood. And it's another one of the things that, like, you know, now I talk about so openly because we also paint motherhood like it's supposed to be like this great, amazing thing that, like, oh, you get pregnant and then all of a sudden it's like, oh, all this love shows up from nowhere and you're just, like, encapsulated by this person. It's like, no, that actually doesn't happen all of the time. Mm-hmm.

- Moments of that might happen. - Moments of that might happen, but it's not as- - The majority of the time it's probably like cleaning, diapers and feeding and pumping and all the things that moms have to do. - And sitting there and being like, "Oh hell, I made a mistake. This is not what I wanted in my life." And struggling with that. And there were so many times where I thought about that. It was like, wow, is this life what I actually wanted?

And so then at that moment in December of 2013, I was like, oh no, I have to make the life that I want. I have to make it. I have to be an active participant in it. You don't just sit back and let the life happen to you. You have to make it. - What was the biggest lesson during that time you feel like you learned about his regrets or about him not doing the things that he wanted to do? What opened up for you during that time that shifted if anything did shift for you

This might sound funny, but I think logic is what surprised me most. The logic of things. The writing down. It's almost like the writing down of the plan. Things that make sense. Because you're like, "Oh, I'm going to do these things. I'm logically going to take these steps in order to get to that thing." All of his regrets,

Everything that he wanted to do that he didn't get a chance to do was based on the logic of the steps to get to that thing that he never got to. Like just scheduling it in the calendar or like booking a trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Making a to-do list and then yeah. And then it's like, oh, I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that. All based on logic. Life is not made of logic. Life is magic.

It's the accidental encounters. It's the things that you can't explain. The feeling that you get in your belly that makes you feel alive and glittery. Or it makes you super sad and you don't want to get out of bed and the sky just looks gray. And then maybe one thing happens, you're like, oh, okay, I can do it. You know, that's life.

And being open to that is actually what gives you the experiences. So therefore, when perhaps you don't accomplish everything that was on your plan, you still feel really happy about the things that you did do, 'cause it was also magical. You know, and I'm not talking about like these big firework things. I'm talking about the little stuff too.

The new person that you meet on the way to somewhere, or like the meal that you had that you didn't think was gonna be delicious that you just really savored. It was just magically amazing. And just being appreciative of those moments. So again, it's like the life is not just about like the big, big, big stuff. It's not the headlines. So to me, it's like logic is what I then throw out the window.

- Interesting. - I'm not gonna live a logical life. I'm gonna live a magical life. The kind that is open to all of the things I can't explain. You know, like the writing down of the list and the making the steps. And I'm not saying that you walk around just like, "Huh, da-da-da-da-da, whatever happens today is what happens." You know, like, look, we all gotta be responsible adults, okay? But the truth of the matter is that like, how many of our plans have been stopped because of logic?

The things that you said like, ah, well, shoot, I can't do that because of this reason and that reason and that reason.

And sometimes it's other people's logic that actually stops you from doing things you want to do. And so I want to stop that. I've been active in being like, every time I approach a new ambition or a new idea or like, oh, I want to take a trip here. And that logic starts to come in. I'm like, girl, where's that magic? You better just step out and let the magic find you. You know? And not stop yourself because the math is mathing.

Right. It doesn't make sense logically. No, it doesn't make sense logically. Allow wonder and synchronicity to enter your life. Yes, to happen. Because I can't tell you how many things have happened in my life that don't make sense. The fact that I've had the career I've had doesn't make sense. It's not logical. There's no stat.

Even when you look at things like, oh, you know how many black women CMOs have had jobs for Fortune 50 companies? There's no math. There's no data point because it doesn't exist. But I exist. So can you explain that? No, you cannot. So opening yourself up to these things is what actually creates your destiny to run the way that it should.

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I'll give you one example. When Peter died in December of 2013, I was at PepsiCo. I'd been there for 10 years. It was a great job. I'd done many iterations of things. And at that time, I was the head of music and entertainment marketing. And so I had been part of the team that did the deal with the NFL for the Super Bowl halftime show. I put Beyonce on that stage. It was huge. I had a great, exciting career. And then Peter died.

And I looked around and I was like, man, like, you know, I think I want to do more things. You know, am I going to sit here for another 10 years in New York City, like doing this or have I had enough of this? And as I formulated that thought, I went to I think it was NBA All-Star or something like that. And I met somebody that I knew very lightly.

who told me that Jimmy Iovine and Dr. Dre had started their company, Beats Music, off of the back of Beats by Dre, and that they were looking for a head of marketing, would I be interested? The job was in LA. My husband had been dead maybe two months. I had a four-year-old child that I was trying to figure out how to raise by myself. You know, like all these things. And so logic would tell you that no, sit your down. You know what I mean?

"Situate your life. Figure out how to be a widow and a single mom and the main breadwinner. Like, figure that stuff out. Calm down. Get some therapy. You know? Just like, sit and be quiet for a second. Grieve. Let a year go by and then figure out what you want to do." But instead, I was like, "Hmm, it really doesn't make any sense for me to leave Pepsi, a long-established company,

and go to Beats Music where it's barely a company. - Some new thing, yeah. - I didn't know what music streaming was. I had no idea what the hell that was. I had no idea. But I came and came to LA and took a meeting with Jimmy and he was talking about stuff that I had no idea about. And when I resigned from PepsiCo to take the job, everybody told me it was a bad idea. It was when I tell you there was not one person who supported it. Not even my mother.

No one. Everybody thought I'd lost my mind. People thought I was acting out of grief. Maybe I was, you know? But the magic was that that opportunity opened up the next 10 years of my life. It was the magic, the spark that I needed. It changed everything for me, Lewis. Everything. And what would have happened if you would have listened to everyone else's fears and not made the jump? Well, that, well, my friend, that's a great unknown. I don't want to get to the end of my life and ask that question.

I don't want to sit there and say like, "Oh man, what would I have done if I'd taken that leap, just tried that other thing?" Maybe you fail, but that's okay. You can pick yourself up again. It's okay. For sure. And so sometimes I look around and especially when I'm talking to a friend who's just like, "Oh girl, I can't do that because of that." And it's just like, "But why? Why don't you believe you can do it? You did that thing and that thing and that thing." And again, it doesn't have to be like the world changing thing that got headlines.

But like your everyday accomplishments and did this thing simply went into that workplace that you feel like demeans you and you still had a smile on your face. Like what an accomplishment that is, you know, or any anything that you do. So it's like, why? Why then do you not feel like you have the power to be able to overcome the things, even if they're unknown to you? Yeah, that's how I feel.

What are the three biggest reasons why people fail in a relationship? Why they end up getting divorced, end up getting separated, breaking up? Why do you think the... What are those three things that cause that? All right, so number one, lack of healing. Lack of healing because lack of healing probably leads them to choosing the wrong person to begin with which is the foundation for disaster because at that point

there's not everything else I'm about to mention you can't really work it out with this person because you're just not in alignment with them it's not a good fit. And so, a lot of people are trying to make things work with someone they just can't match up with properly, you know. Is that trauma bonding or what is that? How is that playing a part? Some of it is trauma bonding some of it is individual... So, what's happening is this phenomena if you want to call it that

people are choosing individuals that are "good enough to be with" but they don't really make them feel deeply about them. Because if I'm a man or a woman and I've been hurt before and I've been hurt when I let my heart out completely I fear being that vulnerable. So, now

you don't really ever learn how to not feel deeply about someone if they're just that person but people learn who I can deal with and not fall deeply for. So, okay, I can be with this person and maintain emotional control they don't take me there so I don't

ever feel like I'm too vulnerable in this situation. Do you think a lot of women choose the safe guy as opposed to the right guy? Absolutely, and the safe choice is almost always if not always the wrong choice. Oh, man. Why is a safe choice always the wrong choice for a woman? So, think about it in order for it to be safe

it means you are not deeply invested. You may be invested, it may be deep compared to certain people's perceptions of deep, but it's not as deep as you know you can go. It's not as deep to where you feel like you'll be devastated by it. So, you're starting from a deficit as far as I'm not fully into this, I'm not fully into this guy.

but again, he may be good enough for me to work with and try to be with. But because you already have a built-in void so what happens is this she chooses this man she's not really into him let's say she's not that attracted to him and it's not that he's not a good looking guy she's just not attracted to him that like that.

Well, because you don't have that attraction you're not going to pour into him at the same level that he needs you to. You won't be as intimate with him you may not talk to him the way that he wants to be talked to you're not going to give him the same energy that you would someone you're actually very much attracted to. Well, that void initially he may not catch on to that or let that bother him because if he is indeed

a man who is of a lower position than her or lower quality than her he may just be happy to have this woman oh my gosh I can't believe I have her so he's infatuated he's going in he's blinded by his desires for her but at some point the smoke clears

And then he realizes wait a minute okay, I have her but I'm not being treated the way I want to be treated. I'm getting walked all over. Exactly, it's all about her. Yes, I don't get the respect that I deserve here and here's what's crazy when that woman dates that man who she's not really into like that and let's just say she dates down. Well, she just raised his stock to every other woman that's watching this. That's true. They're looking and they're saying how did he get her?

what does he have he must have something he must have something big pockets big something so power something now these women want to find out do you think women really think that way when they see a guy who maybe is hell yeah of you know hypothetical less quality or seeming less quality than the woman that they're with that they start to be more attracted to that guy yes

And even if it's not of a lower quality if as a man you are seen with an attractive woman a high quality woman a desirable woman you become more desirable to other women. I've talked to friends where they've even gone to clubs they'll go there with a woman

and they'll get more attention. And when that woman walks away some of these women will try to slide in and slip in a number here and there. Why do women do this? It seems like women don't have ethics or don't have integrity as opposed to saying, "Hey, I appreciate and I'm happy for you too." Why is it that some women

Yes, I'm with you. Want to get in there and try to quote unquote steal the man or influence the man to stray. Well, so it starts with the fact that women have this perception that quality men are they're not in abundance out here. They're scarce. Yes, they're very scarce. So, when you come across one or you think you come across one a lot of them have the mentality of oh no, I have to try to get my foot in the door and see if I can get this for myself.

If they thought it was abundant out there, then they'd be less pressed to do that. But what happens if a guy, okay, leaves the person he's with for you? Is that woman then going to be confident that he wouldn't do it again?

It depends. I think there are some women who convince themselves... Like, there's plenty of women who have taken a man from a woman or who have accepted that man leaving one woman for her and to her she's good. As long as she's getting what she needs she's good. But I do think that in the back of their head

once something starts to go wrong that's when those thoughts start to creep in. I wonder if he's talking to someone else why isn't he giving me the attention anymore? Exactly and now and I think it's even more likely that someone who knows about the situation will remind her well you got him this way so you might lose them the same and now the insecurities really start to kick in and it starts to become a huge problem. You talked about attraction and sorry to get you off track you talked about attraction

What do you think is more important, sexual attraction or spiritual attraction for a woman? I'm going to say spiritual attraction. More than sexual attraction. But I'm saying that with hesitancy. You're pausing. I'm not 100%.

The only reason why I'm leaning towards spiritual is because I believe that women value intimacy, non-sexual intimacy way more than actual just raw sex, okay. So, if you had door number one hugs, kisses, caresses, you know being emotionally available. Door number two just straight sex

women are choosing most women are choosing door number one most men are choosing door number two. And so, because of that value for the deeper levels of intimacy I feel like spiritual attraction kind of fortifies that whereas sexual attraction may not get them those things. So, that's why I would pick spiritual attraction. Wow, what would you say for any guy listening or watching

if they wanted to attract the woman of their dreams or essentially any woman that they really desired, if they wanted to attract that, who would they need to become in order to set themselves up to attract an incredible lifelong loving partner who gave them a fulfilling joyful life? I would say they would have to become their most confident masculine self.

Whatever that looks like it's going to look different for every guy but at the foundation of it there must be confidence in who he is and he must exude that masculine energy. Not saying there aren't men who can't get them a loving partner not being the most masculine dude but

you have a better chance at achieving it when you can walk in your masculine energy that's the power of the man. What if there's a man who is extremely masculine but lacks confidence? What type of partner does he attract typically? Well, I think lacking confidence it undermines the masculine energy. It's hard to be that masculine presence if you are lacking in self-esteem, lacking in self-respect. The things you're going to allow a woman to get away with is going to start to lose

cause her to lose attraction for you. So, it's almost like if you become her yes man a lot of women don't want a yes man most women don't want a yes man. It might sound good to some initially but over time she gets tired of the fact that you can't think for yourself that you aren't giving your own perspective that you aren't confident enough to stand in your own vision and your plan. So,

that immediately takes you out of your masculine energy because now you're trying to become so accommodating to the point that you've lost yourself in that process. And that doesn't work well in the long term. I mean think whenever you hear stories of nice guys being run over and getting played it usually involves this man who is just trying to do everything the woman wants and just putting all his desires aside to make her happy that doesn't work not like that it doesn't.

That's kind of like the safe man, right? Yes. So the safe man is not always the right man is what I think I heard you say, right? Yeah, almost always. Typically, but doesn't a woman want to feel safe in an environment with their man? Yes, but the safety...

So, the safety that's being achieved by picking the safe choice is I don't have to be too vulnerable in this relationship. So, I'm able to guard myself from devastating hurt and disappointment that I've probably experienced at least once before at least at a level that I felt like I don't ever want to go there again.

that's very different than the man who she is completely invested in, completely in love with and he understands the need to provide safety and security for her. The need to make the situation or the relationship more stable for her where she can rest in her feminine energy so to speak while she's with him. That's two different types of safety. So, it's like okay, if you choose a safe man

But essentially it sounds like that's a space where you don't have to fully open up and be vulnerable. It's a space where you probably know you're in control, where you probably have more value to offer or this person is desiring you way more than you desire them. And that's the big one.

It's a situation where she feels like he wants me or he loves me more than I do him. And that's where they feel like it is safe but again, it doesn't work in the long run. Never. Yeah, I want to say never. I should never say never but I'm going to use that word right now. Because if someone, if you are in a relationship like that and maybe you're not even conscious that you're doing it in the beginning but you realize a year, two years in, okay,

the person I've chosen really doesn't step into his confidence or his masculine energy. He'll do anything I want him to do at all times. He stops his dreams from my dreams, whatever it is.

What is typically the women you've worked with, how do they, what do they say about that? What do they feel about that? And what is their struggle? Is it they want to leave? Is it they just feel bad? They don't feel the connection anymore? What is it that they feel? Well, so it's a tricky place because at that point, it's hard for them to fully express what's going on.

Like one things I tell women is that one of the worst positions to be in is with a man you're not truly in love with. Well, with a good man you're not truly in love with. Why is that the worst position? Because at that point if she's feeling empty, she's feeling bored, she's feeling unsatisfied

who can she run to and say this to that won't say but wait a minute you have a great man you can't do that oh, just work like no one's going to say oh, yeah you know what I get it just walk away. Now, I won't say no one but most people aren't going to allow that to be a good enough reason for her to walk away.

So, she knows she's going to get pushback from people but not just pushback from people from her own self. It's like okay, wait a minute do I leave this great guy who loves me so much which is so safe here even though I'm not really that happy I'm not fulfilled or maybe I'm not that attracted to him

that's a tough position to be in because it's like it would be so much easier if he cheated on her. It'd be so much easier if he was abusive or something then she could easily validate oh, okay I got to go. And that's why some women in that situation what they do is try to create turmoil. Try to find... Drama. Yes, they're trying to find something to give them the exit to say okay, I don't have to be here anymore.

or to make that man want to leave them. And in fairness this happens on both sides but I've literally talked to clients who the only reason they cheated hoping it would make their partner leave them. Oh, my gosh. Because what was happening was in this instance she was trying to tell the guy over and over I don't want to be here but again, he's this good guy I love you I don't want to lose you. So, I'll do whatever you need. Exactly. I'll change all your... And out of guilt and sympathy she stays with him.

but she's so not happy. So, now she's thinking okay, he won't leave me even when I tell him I don't want to do this anymore. Even when I tell him this is not working so what can I do? And some will actually cheat on purpose let the man find out hoping he would finally let go and in some cases he still doesn't let go. He gets cheated on and he still wants to work it out with her and she feels trapped.

And so, it just continues like it's just a never-ending cycle until either one of them finally gets tired of it or I don't know, just it just it's crazy. There's a lot of stress. Yeah. So, what I heard you say for a man to attract the, you know, a joyful, loving,

Partner that they really desire and have someone that they really are inspired by for you know a long term I'm hearing you say that that man needs to step into their self-esteem their confidence and their their masculinity Yeah, you gotta step into that leadership masculinity quality right? Yeah that essence if a woman really wants to attract the right healthy man someone that is safe in terms of they can trust but

where they have to fully, they have to feel a little vulnerable to really dive in and they really care about this man in a big way. What does a woman need to do in order to attract that ideal partner for themselves?

It's the same answer for the women in reverse. It's walking in their true feminine confident self. Whoever they really are but being that best version of themselves. And to what you were saying it can't be find a man who you can be feminine with. It has to be be your feminine self first

and you'll be able to attract the man that you can continue to be feminine with or that will honor, respect, and value your feminine energy and protect your feminine energy. That's what you want but what's happening to so many women is

they become detached from their femininity or they're viewing it in a negative way. They're viewing it as weakness as when I'm feminine I get played, I get taken advantage of. And so, the mindset is if I find the right man I can be that. So, you hear a lot of women say well, I am feminine in a relationship. The problem is he can't see that far in to know that he wants to get in a relationship with you.

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