Martha Higareda Howes: Opening Up About Our Journey To Marriage (Our Step-By-Step Process + A Huge SURPRISE!)
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Love is a verb. So if I want to know how much love you have, then I want to pay attention to your actions and the way you behave towards me. A Mexican actress, writer, and producer. Best known for her role on Netflix's Altered Carbon. This is a woman who has captured my heart, who has fully loved and accepted me for who I am as a human being. Please welcome Martha House. When you're struggling with something about the person you're with,

over and over and over again is because underneath that you wish they would change that. That's the personal way. And either accept her or don't be with her. Exactly. Why do you think God needs to be at the center of intimacy and relationships for married couples? I did this pilgrimage and I was having a really beautiful conversation with a priest and he said the number one advice he gives people

How's it feel to have your last name as house? Amazing. Feels good? Yes. Does it feel like powerful and let's go? Yeah, we're united. We're united. Yes. We're a family. We are family. Yes. And this whole episode is going to be breaking down how we prepared for marriage. Yes. The process we went through, all the different steps. It was a lot. It was a lot of different steps, a lot of different steps, but it was...

For me, it was like, I wish everyone went through a similar process before getting married, really before getting engaged and then getting married. Yeah.

And the last time we had an episode of you on was when I proposed to you at Summit of Greatness. Yes, it was. That was the last episode. So it was about a year and a half ago. And it was on stage at Summit of Greatness. We had an amazing interview. And I had a ring in my pocket the whole time. I didn't know. The crazy thing is that you told me like, oh, you're going to be on stage with me. I'm going to ask you some questions. And I thought, what about it?

I was like, do you want to prep me? Was it like two or three days before? It was like a week before, right? It was like a week before? Yeah. Like suddenly, I think I heard about it from Sarah first. Yeah. I was like, wow, am I going to be? Yeah, you're going to be one of the, you know. Speakers. Speakers. I was like, okay, great. I was like, yeah, don't worry about it. We'll do an interview. I'll ask you some questions and it'll be fun. Yeah, but then you know how I am. I'm very studious. So I like to prepare. Yes, you are. You are. So I was like.

"Love, what do you want us to talk about? What is this going to be about?" And you were like, "Ah, I don't know. Just ask your questions and then you'll respond to the questions." Relationship stuff. But you came prepared with notes, note cards. You had incredible answers. I didn't even know what I was going to ask you, but you had the answers prepared. Yeah.

And at the end I stood up and I was like, everyone give Martha a round of applause. We stood up and I was like, okay, you can go off. And then I pulled you back and I was like, oh wait, I have one more question. One question I've never been able to ask anyone. And I got on a knee and asked you to marry me. It was like the loudest scream ever. I did have one final question that I want to ask. And I actually have never asked this question to anyone in 10 years of my podcast. I wanted to ask you, I was curious,

Are you married? Yeah. But that was like the beginning of once we got engaged, we didn't get married for another year and three, four months. Uh-huh. Yes, yes. Today of this filming, not when it goes out, but today that we're filming, we've been married three months as of today. Yes. And oh, well, by the way, at the end of this episode, we have two big surprises we're going to share with people. We do? We have two big surprises. Okay, so this is it.

- You are. - So we're gonna have two big surprises at the end. - The surprises are also for me 'cause you don't tell me this is what we're gonna do. - No, you know what we're talking about. We have two big surprises at the end of this episode, so get ready for that. - I know about one, I don't know the second one. - Okay, well, we'll see. We'll see, maybe I'll share both. - Okay. - But this is, we got married at the church not even a mile from here. - Yes. - Three months ago today. Then we got married in Mexico a week later, had friends, family come. - It was amazing. - But it was amazing.

But it was a year and like, whatever, three months of us being engaged, also living together and going through a process of

Okay, what do we really want? What is that? What is our true alignment look like? What are our values? We talked about all these things, but now it's like stepping into marriage. What does this look like? Yes, and It was a process there were things I wanted to do there were things you wanted to do Some of it felt like a lot of work. It's not like man. This is like going back to school We read tons of books together. We went through workbooks. We went through workshops

And I think they're all necessary. We went to therapy together. Like we did all these things, not because something was wrong or that we feel like we needed to fix something, but more to, to build a strong foundation. And everything we were talking about for the whole year was like, how do we strengthen and deepen our foundation? Because we know from experience of talking to a lot of successful married couples, we know that life throws adversity and challenges at everyone. Yes.

individuals, couples, married people, whatever. And the goal for us was how do we set ourselves up for success being married

Knowing that there's going to be challenge adversity stress that comes our way individually as couples whatever might be yeah Knowing that we're not gonna have some perfect marriage knowing that it's gonna be seasons of high and seasons of challenge to overcome all these different things so how do we stay together in strong unity even when

something is really great or there's a challenge facing our way. And that's really what it was. It was like, how do we set this up so that we have a language we can speak and understand the values agreements. Um, and agreements was like one of the biggest things, but we went through a, we went through a number of books that we'll talk about in another episode. But one of the things we went through, which was marriage preparation, um,

program for engaged couples that really set us up for success. It was an amazing experience because it's something that we did through the Catholic Church. And other people that we know who have taken this workshop, they say, you know, you don't need to be a Catholic to take it. This is something that you really...

it'd be very good if you can take it because of all the subjects that we were discussing and there's other couples there. So you get to hear, you know, also what, what are the insights as well. And it's giving is the whole workshop is given by a, you know, a couple who has been married and,

for at least 40 years. Yeah. I think they were together for like 30 something years. 30 something, 38, like something like that. First of 40 years. And they struggled for like the first 15 years. Yes. Because they didn't go through this. Yes, exactly. And then they started to go through this program and, and,

they have a lot more joy in their life. A lot more love, a lot more joy. The wife, she was really funny. She was like, you know, I thought I was going to get divorced after like 15 years. It was just constant. It was like a constant battle. There was like, we were just always in friction, you know? And then we'd have like a good weekend and then two, three weeks of stress and fighting and arguments. And she said after 15 years, it was just like, I think I'm done. I can't deal with this anymore. It's too much stress. He doesn't understand me. I don't understand him.

We are butting heads. What's the point of being in this stressful, complicated marriage where we don't see eye to eye? We don't speak the same language. We don't have the same values. We don't have the agreements. And she said that she, a friend of hers was like, why don't you come to church? Come with me. And something spoke to her when she went to church. So what was happening with her is that she explained this to us, but this can happen to a lot of people.

you know, a lot of us women, that in order to keep safety in the relationship, you can start having a controlling personality, which is what she was struggling with. She's trying to control everything about him. Everything. Where are you going? Don't go hang out with your friends. You need to be here. What do you do with the kids? Stop doing this. Start doing this. She was like... She started to become the mom of the husband, as opposed to the wife, the partner, the lover. And so, no. And so he was feeling...

Like he couldn't do anything, otherwise she'd be upset. And she wanted to take the lead in the relationship and say, what are we going to do? What job position you're going to take? Where are we going to live? What's going to... All of the decisions she wanted to take. But also at the same time, she wanted to feel feminine. But she felt she was having to carry the relationship on her own. So then a friend of hers invited her to go to church. And she went to church and she started going like,

I need to let go of control. Yes. I need to let go of control and give it to God. It's not up to me. Otherwise, I'm going to drown. Why do you think so many women try to take control in their relationship, whether they're dating, engaged, or married? Why are so many women in that position of being in control rather than allowing their partner, their man, to lead the vision? I think...

I think personally, I think it goes from way back when that woman was a little girl. Whatever it is that as we are growing up, whatever place that makes us feel unsafe in this place, it's a protective mechanism. That's what I really think it is. That when you feel insecure about certain things, you want to know what your man is doing.

every single time at every single moment. Like literally, like what is he doing 24/7? It's not because you are trying to think you're being controlling, it's because you are trying to build safety for you. Because something must have happened to you way back when, when you were little, something must have happened maybe perhaps with your mom or with your dad that you never felt that you can rely on that person. So if your dad left,

Or if your dad was intermittent, sometimes he'd be there, sometimes he wouldn't be there for you or your mom. You start feeling like, okay, this is the way love is. So when you grow up, you think, okay, if I can have control and I can know what this person is doing 24-7, then I'll be safe.

Then I know for sure he loves me. It comes from that. It also happens to men too. It's not necessarily just for a woman, but yeah. But why get into a relationship if you have to always be obsessive about what the partner's doing all day long or making sure that you're in control of what they're doing so you can feel safe? Why even get in a relationship? Because everybody wants to be loved. And so they have a different version of what love means for them. And I think so...

you know, it's good to be with a person that you're sharing your life with. It's just that not all the time we are taught what is the healthy love versus the codependency or the controlling, you know, all of that is part of the codependency. Yeah. Yeah. And I think from the beginning, we both made it clear to each other of like meeting each other that was like,

This is my life and this is the vision I have and this is what I want to create in my life in a relationship. And you were sharing the same thing and we were like, this is what we've both been through in the past that we don't want to live like anymore. We both wanted to feel accepted for who we are, accepted for our dreams, our goals, accepted for our lifestyle. Yeah, personality. Yeah. Not trying to change the other person or say, I don't like that. Quit doing that. Yes.

And really creating a sense of acceptance rather than control. I think control is a lack of acceptance It's like okay. I don't like what you're doing here So do this so I can feel safe as opposed to I accept what you're creating If there's something that feels off can we have a conscious conversation where we're creating safety together? Yeah, but not a sense of stop doing that. Don't do this. Don't do this like I

And then it becomes like unsexy in reality. If you start controlling your man,

Or the man, even the woman. But if you start controlling the man all the time, telling him what to do, what not to do, I didn't like this, I like this, you start becoming the parent. You know, in the morning, you try to remind me, hey, take your supplements, right? There's certain reminders you'll do. That's nurturing. And there's certain things where I'm like, hey, don't lift this heavy thing right now or whatever, or don't do this thing. Why don't you take a rest and take a nap? It's like a reminder. So there's a balance, I think, of like,

You say I daddy you sometimes. Yeah, sometimes you do. I'm like, hey, stop doing that. Yes. Or when I go shopping, you go, oh, you don't need that. That's true, yeah. Sometimes. But it's like... You know, my dad does it. My brother does it to his wife. It's like I was talking to my mom about it and she was like, listen, that as a male personality, they have the feeling and the... Or protector. It's protector and it's leadership. Yeah, yeah. This is how my mom raised me.

you know, the female in our family. But she said, "A man's nature is gonna wanna lead and protect, and they're gonna wanna do this." So sometimes they're going to tell you, sometimes, "Hey, don't do this. I don't think you should buy this. I don't think you should get this." - Exactly. - And so then mom says, "Listen, you have two choices. You go, 'Oh, okay, I won't buy it.' But if you really want the thing, just go ahead and do it." You know, like, just, it's okay. Except, because this is the part she was telling me,

Your dad will never change that. We've been together for 43 years of marriage. And literally, she said, your dad will continue to tell me when I go shopping, you don't need this. You already have something similar at home. So she says, you know what I do? I know he is that way. I accept the way he is. And I just buy the thing if I need it.

Yeah. Instead of trying to tell him, hey, don't tell me this every single time you tell me, he's going to continue to tell you that all of his life because this is his way to, maybe he's trying to protect the budget. You know, that's another thing. Or maybe just whatever it is. And it was an interesting conversation because I was like, if I, if I, if

If I turn this around and I say to Louis, every time he wants to buy anything, don't buy this, don't do this, he's going to feel I'm being controlling. Don't tell me what to do. Right. Exactly. Right. Don't tell me what to do. Yeah. Yeah. So in my case. If you say it in a loving way. Yeah. If you're like, hey, do you think we need this right now? Or hey.

I think I already know that you have something like this. Are you sure you want to buy it? I'm just reminding you. Then I'd be like, oh yeah, okay. But if you're like, don't do this, I'd be like, don't tell me what to do. You already have this thing. Romance. Exactly. Exactly. But anyway. You don't speak like that to me. You don't speak that way. I don't. I don't. No. And again, the intention for this conversation and episode is...

To share with people all the things that we did leading up into marriage. Again, we are three months married. We're not here to say how to have a great marriage. We're new at this, by the way. We're new. So there's no way that we can speak from that experience. But we can speak from the experience from being dating to getting engaged to getting married and what has worked for us. And I think that's what I want to really communicate with anyone watching or listening. And we probably do...

Because we both had previous experiences and relationships that were painful or challenging or didn't feel right. Both Martha and I, before we met each other, were doing individual therapy. So we were both already in a growth journey, a healing journey, a growth mindset. And we were both open to reflecting on ourselves and saying, oh, where did I make a mistake? Where did I not create a boundary?

How could I have shown up better for me? How could I have been better in my previous relationships? Whatever it might have been to see how we didn't, because we didn't want to repeat the same pattern again. So we both were doing that healing journey before we met each other. And then when we got started dating,

I put it out there to you and I said I don't want to get committed unless you're willing to do couples therapy at the beginning and you said I'd love to oh yeah it was a little bit more loose than that you were very um have you ever thought about doing therapy at the beginning of a relationship as opposed to like when there's a lot of troubles and struggles towards the end I was like yes I've always thought that's a great idea so then you said you know I would love to do that

Because I feel like I couldn't get committed to you if we don't have this journey. Unless you were open to doing that. Yes, exactly. And I was like, I'm totally open to that. So I've always kind of wanted it. Yeah.

Yeah. So for me, that was a big, I think just doing that before getting engaged, knowing that I had a partner willing to grow with me. It doesn't mean you have to do therapy with your partner because someone may not be ready for that, but they've got to be ready to do some type of reflection or some type of work. Otherwise you're going to be with a partner with a fixed mindset instead of a growth mindset. So it doesn't mean they have to do every workshop that you want to do. It doesn't mean they have to go to therapy right away.

It doesn't mean that, but I think they've got to be willing to look at themselves, be willing to have uncomfortable conversations with you then and see how we can grow together. And even how do you react to the uncomfortable conversations? Oh yeah. You know, like that's another thing because you can meet somebody.

And that people can say just the right things that you feel like, oh my God, this person's amazing. They're telling me exactly what I wish to hear. They've read the books, so they've memorized the books. And then they're telling me all the lingo that I love hearing. But their behavior, if it doesn't match it. Yeah, exactly. So for me, it's the actions themselves.

are speaking louder than any words you'll tell me. Maybe you've never gone to therapy. Maybe you've never read any books. But if you are integrous, kind, loving, you show up, like in the way you show up, to me it's like,

That's even more important, you know, because a lot of people can go to therapy, but we have the podcast, we have the books, we have all these things. But then when you exercise them, when you're actually being what you're saying. I was reading this thing the other day from my therapist that she was talking about love, like specifically about love. And love is a thing that you can't just say, you know,

Love is not a word. Like literally, she was saying this. Love doesn't exist. Literally. Love is a verb. It's something you practice. So if I want to know how much love you have, then I want to pay attention to your actions and the way you behave towards me. Well, in this case, because we're a partnership, right? And towards people, by the way. How much love you are.

And so you are loving, you are kind, you're respectful, you're thoughtful, you engage in the conversation. That's how you love. You're touchy, all these different things. So love is in that respect, it doesn't exist. Then it's a thing that is just floating out here.

You know, the concept of love is a thing that you see in the movies, in TV shows, it's floating. But when you say, you know what, what is really love? Love is a verb that translates into actions. Yeah, exactly. It's a good thing I took a lot of action. You did, you do. And you continue to do. Of course. So there are a lot of things that we did.

that again, not everyone has to do before getting engaged or married. But there are a lot of things that we did. We did therapy together. We did workshops together. We did work books together. We read books together. We meditated together. We prayed together. We went to church together and we had relationship mentorship conversations. So we did lots of different things around relationships.

I'm not saying everyone has to do all those things or all at once. It might seem like a lot of work. But also, by the way, it was a lot of fun. It was. There were moments that were rough. They were fun most of the time. Yes, most of the time. Sometimes, I'm like a deep growth mindset person and I'm in this work constantly.

But there were times where I was like, I just need a break from this. I need to like, let's just go to the gym. I'm just like, I don't want to talk about this. Let's just go have fun, right? Yes. But I'm glad I did a lot of this work, probably 90% of the time, because it gives me so much peace knowing that I can fully be myself in our relationship and that I can speak my mind and you're not going to react or scream at me or respond in some negative way.

And I think you trust and respect me more because you've known I've done the work and the foundation of our relationship. And so I feel like you accept me and love me more because of the investment I made in shared growth, in shared conversations, and in doing that work early on. And my whole...

vision and goal is to create, that we created the foundation for ourselves so that we can just keep enjoying to have fun and live a beautiful, expansive life day after day, year after year.

And again, when there's challenge or adversity that comes... You have the tools. We have tools and we have also a foundation of strength of, hey, we know how to talk about this. Yes. And we don't need to blame each other or make the other person wrong. It's not about the other person not being there. It's about how do we handle the challenge or the adversity that's coming our way? Yes. How do we make it about the challenge, not about us? Mm-hmm.

And I think it's supported us because of how much work we did on, on these different things and continue to do on a weekly basis. Do you want to share some of these? Cause I think they were, yeah, I want to, I want to walk through kind of like the whole process of this. Again, the whole thing was called, um, marriage preparation program for engaged couples. Now it doesn't mean you have to be engaged to do this. I almost think,

Like if you thought about doing this before engagement, it would be better because a lot of people get engaged and they don't have all these conversations. Then we're engaged for what, six to 12 months or two years and you still don't have the conversations and you get married and you're like, oh, I didn't know this about you because we lacked the courage or the presence or whatever to speak up and use our voice and say, this is what I really want for the vision of my life. Mm-hmm.

And so again, I almost think this is where we did something else before getting engaged. We read a book called Eight Dates as well, which was really powerful. We wrote a book. We read a book called How to Be an Adult in Relationships. It's an amazing book. I think in the future, we'll break down a few of these different books that were really powerful for us. But this, and I think maybe that was...

If you go through eight dates, it's kind of like a preview to what you're going to get in this. It's a preview. Yeah, it's like you're getting the water up to here. Yeah, I started to talk about it. This other one was really like... This is deep. You're going deep. So I'm just going to walk through some of the things that we talked about, and then we can break down each one of these. But the first part of it, which I thought was really cool, was a candle ceremony. Okay.

which for a guy might seem a little weird. Being like, okay, we're gonna do this candle ceremony, but I think women may be more open to that or more used to doing this. But it's really about, like, we had to have a candle, we lit the candle, and we set an intention for what we wanted to create from this experience. It was like, what is our intention?

What do we want to build for this weekend workshop when we go through this? How do we want to show up? It was just allowing our hearts and our minds to get in alignment with a vision of connection, communication, honesty, and vulnerability. It's like, how do I make sure I really speak what I feel or all my fears or concerns so that I share things

and my partner is able to share things and we can come together stronger. - Yeah, and it was also beautiful because we said, while doing the scandal ceremony, we prayed about it, meaning also we were saying, it's not just the two of us in this relationship, we're inviting and bringing God into the relationship because although these conversations are gonna be, some of them are gonna be a lot of fun, some of them can be hard.

So we got to remember that, you know, it's not just the two of us. We have a higher power that's helping us through these conversations. It's interesting because I think this was, I'd interviewed Liz Gilbert, I think before we went through this. Okay. And Elizabeth Gilbert from Eat, Pray, Love. And she had gone through this.

You know different relationships in her past she'd been married divorced and then she was you know in another relationship a couple years ago that was extremely intense like so intense and very like

So much chemistry and explosive, but also toxic as well as she talked about in this episode. And she... And the reason why it was so intense in a lot of different ways is her partner, I think, had cancer and ended up dying when they were in this relationship. I remember that, yeah. And it like broke her spirit afterwards, right? And she realized that she was in...

Kind of like this addictive loop, this love addiction. This kind of like love addiction of like chemicals and feelings and like we're so connected and you get me and I get you. And when I had her on, she was like, man, I was really in a toxic place for most of my life. Living from this space of just chemistry and making it happen. And she said one of the things when she went to like sex therapy rehab, right?

She said, something I realized is that I never had God in my relationships. How many relationships do you feel like you've been in in the past? Like intimate relationships, whether it be like dating or sexual or... Oh, like 40. 40, okay. You know, like 45 maybe. How many of the relationships you've been in had God at the core or the center? None. In the future, do you feel like God will be...

In the relationship in some way? If God's not in the relationship, it's not a relationship. Wow. You know, and I heard a prayer recently in one of the 12-step rooms, and this is about every relationship, you know, not just sexual and intimate, but somebody said, dear God, please only bring me relationships where you can be first and I can be me. Oh, man, that's good.

God is going to have your back no matter what. And their back. Why do you think God needs to be at the center of intimacy and relationships for married couples? When I went to, you know, I did this pilgrimage to Medjugorje and I was having a really beautiful conversation with a priest. You know, it's such a wonderful experience because you get to go through all of this and just basically like

you know, the experience of confession is like you bring everything that is waiting on you, everything that is happening, everything. It was a beautiful, beautiful conversation. After that, we were just going for a walk and I'm talking to the priest and saying, you know, my fiance and I are getting ready to get married. Do you have any advice for us? And he said, that's the number one advice he gives people. Bring God into the relationship. He said,

a relationship doesn't break up, a marriage doesn't break up due to the lack of sex or due to the lack of communication. It's like they break up due to the lack of God. And the reason why, he said, is because when you love God,

You love your partner. And when you love your partner, you love God. It's like it's your way. Like your partner is in this life being there for you to enjoy yourself.

to grow with, to explore life with, to have intimacy with, to have conversations, to have growth, to have family, like all these different things. It's like expansive, a beautiful, expansive, loving experience that God has put there in front of you for you to enjoy. So you can't say, I love God, but I hate my husband.

well, then you're not loving God. You see? Like, you can't say these type of things. You can't, like, if you look at your husband in the eyes, even if he's at that moment, you're like, oh my God, he's annoying me. What is this thing? He's just living his life.

He's being whatever he's being at that moment because you never know. Maybe he has nothing to do about you. Maybe he's frustrated with something with work. Maybe he's, you know, being a little bit impatient. Maybe he's whatever. He's living a life experience of the moment and you're sharing this life with this person.

God is there with you to give you the moment to say, "I love him. He's just having a hard time right now." You know? Or he's just being the way he is usually in these situations and that's okay.

I love him. I accept him just as much as love loves me and accepts me. It's imitating the love of God into the relationship. Like this is the way I took it in and this is the way I feel with you. Yeah.

You know, I like I see you. I'm like, what a gift. What a gift to have in my life. This man and you are fantastic. 98% of the time. There's the 2% of the time that I go, but I giggle inside. So when I'm in breakdown or I'm doing something that's frustrating you or I'm impatient or whatever it is. Yeah. Or I'm like stressed out or I'm not being, you know, present or something like that.

What do you think about or how do you handle it internally as opposed to being like you're not being present look at me pay attention or Why are you so impatient right now? Like why can't you just be patient you don't react in these? You know quick reaction ways to like strike me down if I'm not perfect a hundred percent of the time and so what do you think about when I'm in a breakdown moment or

Like if you're in a breakdown, it happens so rarely, but when... Or if you just feel like, ah, he's just not paying attention or he's being impatient or he's distracted or whatever, you know. I just think in my mind, I just don't make it about me. Why would it be about me? Well, unless it really is about me, you probably will tell me. But in my mind, I think there must be something going on with him right now that is making him frustrated at this moment.

Or if you're frustrated because we're having a frustrating situation between the two of us, I know, for example, and it has happened very rarely, but if you want to leave the room at the moment, I know you're not leaving the room because you're trying to avoid the conversation that we're having. I know you, because I know you, that you are measuring yourself. And if you are starting to feel like you're going to get upset, you'd rather leave the

rather than me poking the bear and then something, you know? Don't poke the bear. Exactly. But this is why it's important to do these exercises because you get to know your man. You get to know the woman you're with. You know, and that's part of acceptance. Like if I, like I said, it's very rarely, but when I've seen you doing like that, I just go, it's okay.

He needs his time off and that's fine. And then, you know, sometimes, you know how they say people, they tell you don't go to bed upset, right?

You can try, but if you're still a little bit upset, it's okay. Like the world's not gonna end tomorrow morning. Like, okay, whenever you have time, we'll discuss what happened with a sense of humor. - I've heard that for sure. I mean, so many people have said that. And I don't know, 'cause then you have to force yourself to stay awake when you're exhausted to try to find resolution. And you might be up till 6:00 AM. - Yeah, no, no, no. - And then the next day is gone. - You're not even thinking at that moment. - Can't think. - No, you're not. - You can't think straight. So it's like, I hear that and I get that.

and I think it's a good thing to try if you can resolve something before 6 a.m. Or you can do this other strategy which is like not even black or white. Let's boss it.

Let's hit pause. That doesn't mean I'm not going to say I love you. Good night. I'm here with you. This is our life. Pause it. Let's talk about it. It's okay. We'll talk about it tomorrow. I think that's good. Or even some other day. I think that's good. But for me, it's just the first thing I do. I don't take it personally. I think you're going through also other things in life because I know. And then...

And then you gotta have a little bit of sense of humor. Yeah, exactly. Like literally. There's little things that you do sometimes that inside of me I'm giggling, not in a bad way, but I'm giggling because I go, I know him. Things like that. Okay, so the candle ceremony was the first part, which is kind of setting the intention,

we're going to create a space of openness of love of communication and the second part was the sacrament of matrimony i don't even remember this part but do you remember what this is it's just basically they explain to us what it really is that it is what marriage is marriage is that what is it what are they sacrament what does that mean it means like what we were just talking about that it's

It's a beautiful gift that God is giving you and you are choosing to have. Right. It's not just like, oh, you are choosing to go into this journey together in which you know there's going to be ups and downs. There's going to be situations. There's going to have, you know, there's going to be paths in which maybe you're going to exercise forgiveness. Mm.

Maybe, God forbid, but something happens to one of your children. There's so many things that are going to come and you just got to remember you're coming together at this. You're not alone in this. Have your wife.

You're no longer this, you have your husband and you both have God. So that was that one. - The next thing we did, which I think is probably something a lot of people struggle with because they don't have these conversations, is your family of origin. And here's an example. When people get married, well, this is an example, I guess, for both of us, this happened for both of us. When people get married, your parent-in-law or sibling-in-law

On both sides will say welcome to the family. Yes Welcome to the family and it's all good intentions, right? It doesn't mean a bad thing but essentially

I didn't join your family. You didn't join my family. We created a new family and we both have extended family. Yes. And most people don't think that way. And again, it's not a bad way to think about it because I think it's, oh, we're all one big happy family. But then things get really messy at different times because you have certain traditions from your origin of family. I have different traditions or lack of traditions, whatever it might be.

And parent-in-laws and different extended family want you to come at certain times. And it's like, well, this is what I've always done. We always did this tradition or my parents always did this. So we have to go here. We have to do this. But when we create a new marriage, you create a new family. Yes. And we are no longer in our other family. It doesn't mean they aren't our extended family and we didn't grow up in that family.

but we have created a new family. And therefore we had to, it was really cool because we had like a graph that we put ourselves like individually, our parents, how many siblings they had, how many like cousins and aunts and uncles they had, and how many siblings we have, right? It was like, what is your origin family? And draw it out with like little stick figures and heads. And the couple that was doing the workshop with us

The husband, he had like a very small family. It was the opposite. He had a massive family. He filled out his entire page, kind of like me. So all people. His parents, his dad. And the woman was just like four people. It was like, oh, and then these people died, and it was just us and my sister, and that was it.

So then she explained to us that she struggled for a chunk of the relationship at the beginning. Because she wanted more privacy and she wanted like... And he wanted to ask the opinion of every single one of the members of his family before they can make a decision together. Exactly. Because this also happens frequently. And I want to say, I'm going to speak as a Latina because this is what I know of. But I assume it also happens in other different cultures. But when you are so close to your family of origin... Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You are like glue. You do everything together. Every family vacation, every Christmas, every birthday party. And you are used to being the daughter or the son. So what happens is this. There comes the next family vacation and usually the parents decide, where are we going to go? We're going to go here. And then you go, you follow. At least if you were raised the way I was raised, you follow whatever the parents. Follow your parents. Yes, exactly. So then when you enter a committed relationship,

It happens more frequently than not that the person who's used to having that type of glue with the family makes a plan with their partner. But then the family comes in and says, no, wait a second. We bought tickets. We're coming to visit you. And you've, you know, this happened to me. I told you about it. And you're like, how do I tell my mom or my dad? They can't come visit me because I made these plans already with my partner. It didn't happen. It didn't happen with me. With you. No. In the past. It's something I learned. And, um,

And if you continue to think that your family of origin is your family, then who's your husband? Right. Then who's your wife? Is he just a roommate? Like a partner? Like what is that person? So it's like shifting literally all of that and saying, no, you are my family.

from now on, like we are making our decisions together as a family and we don't have to ask and consult the other extended family for these decisions. - If it's okay. - Yeah, like why? - Or what they wanna do. - And then the step of setting boundaries

with the extended family. - How hard is that? Or how hard was that for you to create boundaries? Or is that for like Latin culture or Latin communities to create boundaries with parents or extended family when they get married? - It could be hard because, I mean, it wasn't for me because you know my family and I did that work before I met you. But it can be hard because,

You don't want to offend your mom. You don't want to offend your dad. And then, boy, if they're Latinos, they do get offended. You know? Like, I can't believe you have to ask your fiance if you can't come to the trip because you guys had other plans? What do you mean? So it's like this thing. It doesn't come from a bad place, I want to say. Who is the guy online that we like watching his content? Is it Mark Driscoll?

Oh, he speaks a lot about this.

and you're going to treat them like that, but you also have to respect that they are now in a new family. They have a husband or a wife and they're creating their kids and they're creating their routines and their rituals. He said something like, listen,

you're gonna make your own Christmas and Thanksgiving and holiday plans. We're gonna try to entice you and say, we're gonna have a lot of cool gifts and free food and we're gonna offer you things to come to our home as well if you want to. But if you wanna do your own thing, we have to respect that as the parents. And that's just the natural progression of life and seasons of life. And then when your kids go off and get married,

They're no longer your family. They're your extended family, which is the weirdest thing to think of. It's not something I thought of before this process. Do you know, I think it'd be worth to bring up the, do you want to bring the church wedding and what happened? Because I think for me, that was a really big test. Oh man, yeah, it was intense. But I think it's a beautiful test of,

of this conversation that we're having. Yeah, I mean, it's a good example. But we don't... I mean, I might look like a jerk, but I'll share it anyways. No, no, I don't think so. Well, I'll share it. It's okay. It don't matter. So what happened is Martha and I were planning... I mean, it was a whole process of like figuring out where we're going to get married, the planning process, like all that was a thing in itself, planning a wedding. But Martha really wanted to...

get married in the church first. And I was like, cool, happy to do it. And then we were gonna get married like a week or two later, but we never figured out the date when we were gonna get married. And I wanna interject for a second. You were so amazing when we talked to the priest about this because you know how important it is

For us also, and for me, we have this relationship also with God, right? So it was really important. The priest did not have any availability or dates to do a formal wedding the way the church does it. Before our, we had a wedding date in Mexico. Yeah.

but you wanted to get married beforehand. And he was like, I don't know how many open dates. - And Luis helped me and he went, if we don't get married like this, she won't feel like we're getting married. It will feel for her like we're like-- - We're not married still. - We're not married still. - If we're just married in Mexico that's not by the church, but just a ceremony with friends and family,

I was telling the priest, I was like, she's not going to feel married. Isn't that right? And you were like, yes. You were like tearing up. And I go, what's the chance we can make this happen any other time before we leave? So he said...

you know, okay, we can make it happen, but it's going to be very little people because otherwise then it's an actual event. So we're going to do it. And then he threw a date like a week. It was today, three months ago. Yeah, exactly. It was February 1st. Oh, interesting. February 1st, three months ago. So I want to preface this. Well, originally it was the second and then he moved to the first. I want to preface this by saying that in my, you know,

previous relationship I had before this thing of leaving your family of origin behind and making the other person your family was a big lesson for me because you didn't do it I didn't do this as a as a I just didn't you wanted to please your parents I wasn't adult enough that is the truth to know you know what you are my family now you are the I didn't do

I didn't do this. So I think for me, you know, God is so beautiful in the way he teaches you the lessons and he puts you little tests to see if you learn the lesson. Yeah. So this is a big test. It was a big test. Yeah. So we, we had agreed, this is the whole thing. We had agreed, okay, I'm happy to do the church wedding. It's fine. And then we'll do another one later or whatever you want to do. I was like, whatever you want, it makes you happy. Let's do it. And then I said, okay, but my family is not

coming out here for this church wedding because they're all over. Because we could have the other one immediately. We had the other one a week later and we're like, we already have flights, trips planned for them. They're not going to fly for this and then fly for that. They got lives and kids and it's like, they're not here in L.A.

And we needed witnesses for the church wedding. And I said, okay, we each need two, right? So we can have your parents and then we can have Matt and Kendra. Your best friend. Yes. And that was the agreement. That was the agreement. It was like months before. Now, fast forward two. Because we're like, will you pay with us doing a church wedding where we just have...

a simple ceremony, two and two, and we do it here. - It was amazing. - And you were like, yes. - And the priest said yes, we know it's little people, otherwise it's gonna be an event. It was great. - It'll take us 30 minutes. - But Latino family and Latino behavior. - They show up. - They show up with the best intentions in the world as a surprise. The day before our wedding, everybody flies.

And mom is like, "Surprise!" And there was like, yeah, flowers and cakes and presents. By the way, it was so beautiful. It was great. The way they set up our house with all these different things. It's amazing. But it was like at five o'clock at night, I come back and I see like your whole family in our house, like taking over. And I'm like, are they coming to the wedding tomorrow? Like what's happening? So then Lewis and I had a conversation. So I was just more like, the stress was more of like, I'm glad they're here.

but no one from my family is here. Exactly. And so I was feeling like,

oh shoot i feel really bad that your whole family is here to witness this and no one from my family is going to be here and so i literally texted my mom and call her i said mom any chance you want to come tomorrow i'll fly you out here in the morning it was my first thought she was it was like midnight she was like i'm exhausted like thank you for inviting me but no it was never our intention to invite our families because we invited them for the main kind of big ceremony yeah so i was like grappling with this all night and then the wedding

the church was, the wedding was like noon, right? It was like noon the next day or one or something. - 3:00 PM. - 3:00 PM. I get up, I like try to go to the gym and try to get like clear my mind. And I'm also thinking, oh, I'm actually getting married today. I'm like, oh, this is like happening. I'm like, this is real. You know, we've been preparing and I'm ready for this, but I'm like, oh my gosh, it's like my whole life. - 'Cause this is what I've, you know, discussed with girlfriends who've also gotten married. For us women,

It's like the preparation to get married. We kind of know, yeah, this is coming. This is happening. What I've heard is for you guys, you don't get the reality check that you're getting married happens on the day you're getting married. You're like, oh, this is the day. Yeah. Boom. Like that. And I was like a lot of emotions happening. It's like, okay, my family's not here. Hers is here. I was like, all these things. I was like, my dad's not here anymore. He's not going to be able to win this. All these things. I was like,

Oh man, what do I do? And I was like, ah, the bigger version of me should just be like, ah, just let it be. And just like, let their whole family come and I'll be okay. I was like, I know I'll be okay, but it's something was inside of me. I was like, gosh, something just feels off for me.

And I feel, it's more like I felt sad. I felt sad. You were sad. I love your family and I wanted them to be there. Yes, I know. But I was also just so torn that I was like, I should have invited my family there. Yes. You were sad. You were, you're in your heart. This is the way I tell you. You were so sad because you literally communicated to me, you know, I feel, and I was feeling so sad. Like it was, we had such a beautiful conversation because you said, listen,

How would it feel for you, which you didn't need to tell me because I was in your shoes already, but it's like, if everybody from my family is here, and I just mean the nuclear family. It's not like 20 people flew in. Still the main family. But everybody of my family is here. And you had no one. And you had no one. And I already knew you were struggling with what happened because I was like, when they showed up, I was like, this is great now. Yeah, yeah. Oh, so it was, I think it was beautiful the way we talked about it because...

I, for me, and you know, correct me if I'm wrong, but like you express yourself with your emotions. I was there present with you. And I said to you, you are my family. This is literally, you are my family. The sacrament of matrimony only needs three people. You, me, obviously God.

represented by the priest. That's it. We don't need the... It's the opposite. It's us creating this covenant, this agreement, this is what we want in our life. So we will do whatever makes your heart feel happy. But because you're such a generous man... I was like, I want your family to be there. Exactly. So you were conflicted. So I thought, how do I help us?

We got married at 3 p.m. This is 2 p.m. I'm literally, I come back from a hike, I'm trying to like... But I saw you, I saw your eyes and I came into the room and said... I'm like sweaty, like short t-shirt, I'm laying on the bed at 2 p.m. I'm like, what do we do? Yeah.

And you were literally like, we don't have to get married today. We can just do it next week. I was so chill in that. I was like... I was like the crazy bride. You were like, whatever you want, whatever you need. I was just like, I don't know what to do. I know, I know. It was crazy. That's because you care so much. I was like, yeah, I was a wreck emotionally inside. Because I was like, if I say...

No to your family. I'm a jerk for the rest of my life. No, and you are not. But then I'm going to feel sad that my family is not here to witness this. And for me, it was in this part of this, the preparation that we did also, but it's also part of my heart. If you are suffering or struggling with something, I am suffering and struggling with that something. It's not a you problem versus, you know, whatever, suck it up. My family's here. No, it's our situation to resolve together. So then...

I was like, I understand what's happening for him. I understand how he feels. I feel that way. I know he doesn't want to feel like he's being, you know, that word you said with the family. I don't know. That you're being mean to them. And at the same time, all the conflictive emotions. So I said, love...

You know, we have several options. We can get married in Mexico the same way. And you were like, but I don't know that priest. That's not the priest that prepared us. I was like, that's true. It's like a different priest we can find. Exactly. And I was like, okay, listen, I think the best option is this. You and I had an agreement together. Yeah. But you let me know how this sounds for you. I said, we had an agreement that we made together. We stick to the agreement. My family is very cool. Meaning?

the extended family, I know for a fact that they're going to be happy if they just wait at home to celebrate because the marriage is not happening between my family, you and me, and your family. The marriage is happening between the two of us who are creating a family right now. So I am your wife, although I haven't signed the thing. I'm your wife. Right.

So I got your back. Don't worry about it. Take a shower. I'll talk to my family. It's all going to be okay. Yeah, this was 2 p.m. And we were getting married at 3. And I was like, are you sure? I was like, yes. And you're like, are you sure they're not going to be offended? Because that was the thing inside of your heart. I just felt like, you know, they flew in for this. It was a whole thing. And they were like surprising us. And I was like, it's so nice of them to do this. But we had talked for months. They're like, we're just keeping it this.

Otherwise, I would have told my parents, my mom and my family to fly in as well and try to figure out something. Yeah, absolutely. So it just was trying to make it work for both of us. And this was a great moment where you stepped up and said,

I'm going to take care of my family and communicate to them. We're going to do it how we originally did it. They came at the very end. So they were able to come take photos with us at the church. We still celebrated with them. They were outside. Mom and dad were there, which was the original agreement. And this was probably the most sacred moment of my life because there was no one in the church. I know. Except for the priest, your parents, Matt and Kendra, and their two innocent kids. Yeah.

on the altar with the priest, just having this intimate conversation. If we have photos, we'll put them up on the video to show some of these. And it was like, you could hear God. It was so quiet. You could hear and feel this presence that was so raw and vulnerable and powerful. And it was just like, wow. The priest said in what, 30 years of weddings,

thousands of weddings. He's like, I've never experienced a wedding like this. And so he invited the four people that we had to come up and be all together in a circle and

And just it was like this. It was just like a little spiritual hug circle. I don't know. It was crazy. And it was so powerful. And I was like, gosh, this is exactly the way it needed to be. If there was more people would have been more like performative. It'd been like, okay, we'll look back at our family and friends. And it had been more of like a performance. It's not bad. It's just, this was amazing.

Like the center of what was happening was so, it was building a foundation of us. And then a week later we did the, you know, the whole celebration with friends and family. And it was like mariachi and bands and freaking donkeys. And it was like the whole thing in Mexico, which was like this. The bird, the monkey, the thing. It was incredible. Dancers. It was like the food. It was like a Mexican fiesta. It was incredible. Yeah.

But I think it wouldn't have been as fun had we not done the church wedding a week before. Yeah. Because I felt relaxed. You know, during the celebration with friends and family, I was like...

We're having fun. Maybe it's a little bit of like right before getting married. It was like a little nerves, but it was like I was playing pickleball in the morning. You were. I was like, yeah, we're having fun. So you stayed in the suite as I was getting ready. I was in the pool. And all the team were like, is he ever going to leave? I know. Because we can't pull out the dress and all that thing. It's so funny. But it was very, it was like a celebration. It was fun. It didn't feel stressful at all.

And... And I think, in a way, it was so beautiful that that happened. Yeah. Because, again, I feel like it was both a gift and a test wrapped together. It was like a test for both of us. For both of us. Because I like to...

I want to please people. I want people to feel good. It's like, I don't want people to be like angry at me. And especially on our wedding day, it's like if they flew in for this and I'm the jerk that says, no, you can't come. I didn't want that. But you were like, you know what? You're right. We should make this about us and stick to our agreements. And I was like, well, I need to be more flexible and it's not really that big a deal. But if we don't speak up and use our voice,

when we've created agreements in a relationship, then we're going to have little resentments, you know, that carry with us for a long time. And so many couples, whether they're married or not yet, but like so many couples struggle with that part of like, in what moment I set a loving boundary with my family to say, listen, this is the person I'm choosing. As parents,

Right now, becoming my family. So many wedding stories that people can tell us in the comments. You know, like, oh, in this, you know, I experienced this happen in the wedding. Oh, yeah. A lot of drama. Fights and drama in the wedding. It's like, wait, you are creating a family together. Yes. You know? Yeah. And so literally, I remember I looked at my watch at 2.30. I got in the shower. And we got married at 3. Yeah.

Isn't that crazy? And I was like, I didn't know what I was going to wear. I was like, you were kind of already like your hair was already done. Your makeup was already done. Like, I think you just had to put a dress on. And also we left together. You saw me in the dress. We did everything different by the way. Since the beginning of dating, we've done everything. It was, it was kind of like, I don't know how I got ready this fast. I showered in five minutes. I was like, do I even have a suit? Do I have to iron it? I was like, I just put on a suit and a tie and

And then I was like frantically like, we got to go. Running to the church. And then we pull up like five minutes. I don't know how we got there on time. And we pull up. And even then you said, could you text your family and tell them to come? I said, tell them to come and like be outside. I said, come towards the end. Right before towards the end. I said, like, come to the end so they can see us walking out. Because I was like, I'll just have them come. You know, just have them come. Like, let's make it a win-win.

And they ended up coming. They ended up coming and like we got to do photos afterwards together and celebrate. We were dancing in the living room. But it was like I was stressed right before we like walked down the aisle together. And we walked down the aisle together. Together. To the thing. And again, there was no one in there. There was no one. It was just like. Which also in a way, although it was not traditional.

it was meaningful because it also happened so quickly. We hadn't even thought about how we're gonna walk. So we walk hand in hand together as two adults. Yes.

Tours like in the aisle your parents were there and Matt and Kendra there and the priests in the middle and the priests and the cross in the middle and we were walking on our own choice I mean, I was like together balling making this beautiful this beautiful. Yeah That was a beautiful thing that we did that and the whole family of origin part Yes if we hadn't have gone through that whatever six months before or whatever it was and talked about these things and

maybe we wouldn't have been able to come together in that moment. And then you know what happens later? You're resentful for life. For life, you hold on to stuff. Or you hold on to it until you forgive it. But then you're like, I wish I would have stood up for what I wanted to do. Or I wish they didn't do this. Or I wish my parents didn't come. Whatever it is. It just gets messy. And I think because we have this foundation of understanding our origin story and how we want to create our family,

I'm like, have your family come over every day. I'm like, you know, have them come every weekend, have them stay the night. Like I love being around them. It's not like I'm like, get away from me. I'm like, this is awesome. You know, obviously we have boundaries, but it's like, because I know you've got our back in a relationship, I'm like, yeah, come over as much as you want, because I don't feel like they're intruding in our marriage. You know, they're

Adding they're enriching our marriage. They're supportive. They're having fun with us. We're having experiences But it's like if they go on a trip, we don't have to go with them every time It's like we choose what we want to do and vice versa if my family's like inviting to something you don't have to do something because Whatever so this whole family of origin thing was powerful and it almost makes me want to be around your family more and

But also know like, oh, if I'm somewhere, like we can leave at some time with your family. And it's like, I don't feel bad. Also because, you know, my family of origin is very accepting with you too. Like I remember the first few times you were hanging out with them, you were like,

In the middle of everything, because we talked forever as Latinos. You were like, I'm getting sleepy. Can I go take a nap? It was late. It was like we were there all day for something. And I was like, I was exhausted. Yeah. I go, I don't know if I'm like, had two cups of coffee. I was like, I think I need to like go in the car. And I said, yeah, go ahead. No, I said, no, go upstairs to the room and take a nap. Sure. You sure? Your parents aren't not going to be offended that I'm leaving to take a nap in the middle? I was like, why?

Just be. Well, because in previous relationships, it was like, unless you're present for the whole weekend activities, it's like you're a bad partner. But this is when you introduce the must thing in the relationship. You must do this thing. You should do these things. Like the rules in a relationship constrict the relationship. You know, literally. And so you and I have... Yeah, rules. We don't have rules. We have agreements. Agreements. And these agreements create freedom because it allows us to...

essentially say this is what we have agreed on so if i'm not doing something we agreed on or you're not doing something for whatever reason remember our agreements

And is there a reason why you don't want, are we creating a new agreement now because you don't want to do that anymore? If so, we both have to agree. It can't just be, this is the way it needs to be and you have to accept it. It needs to be, we both need to agree. Otherwise, why are we in a relationship if we can't agree on things? Yeah. Or if we can't agree to be okay with how we do things differently. It's like, I don't know.

Maybe you don't like something I do, but you're like, okay, I'm okay that you're going to do that. I don't like it, but I'm agreeing that that's how you are. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm thinking. I don't know. I was thinking what? But it's just making sure that we're in alignment with agreements. And the next thing is couple communication. Yes. That's a big one. Which I can't remember everything they talked about with this, but I think a lot of it was around like creating agreements and making sure when there's a disagreement that

Especially that part when there's a disagreement and when there's a disagreement it means we haven't agreed on something yet There shouldn't be disagreements like we don't really disagree unless it's a new thing We haven't talked about right then I'm like, I don't see it that way and you're like why I should see it this way Then we have a disagreement right? We aren't in agreement yet. Yeah, and this whole couple communication thing is

You talk about this a lot. It's having curiosity. It's like, let me speak with curiosity and say, huh, why do you think this way? Why do you think this... See, rather than thinking like a victim or that your partner is doing something malevolent behind your back or in front of you. Or just that they have a belief that's wrong or bad or something. Or something, exactly. It's like, it's always...

So try your best to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. I was talking to a girlfriend about this recently and I was saying, haven't you noticed that when you have a best friend, a best guy friend or a best girlfriend, if they do something, you usually don't think badly.

You think, oh, he was tired. Oh, he forgot to call me. Oh, she, whatever, all these things. Why is it that we don't do the exact same thing for our partners? That's true. Think about it. Like, I'm sure, you know, I don't know, like our friends can do things differently.

And well, for us, you know, because we've set our foundation differently, but it usually happens that way that you did you get offended because this person did this thing. She's the person you're dating with, whereas you would never get offended if it was your best friend doing it. That's true. Why do you think that is? I don't know. Matt always says this to me. He's like, I don't know why I just never get upset when you do certain things, but other people would make me upset or something. You know, it's like if they did certain things. Do you know what I think it is? Tell me.

I think because the stakes are higher. With love. With love. Intimacy. And the relationship you have about yourself that is projected on the other person. So meaning your best friend can forget it was your birthday that morning. Right? And tell you later, dude, I forgot. Yeah. Happy birthday, blah, blah. And you're going to be totally cool. Ah, no problem, whatever. But if your partner forgets that it was your birthday or anniversary that morning, then

- See, you didn't remind me it was our three month anniversary. I'm the one that told you. No, I'm just kidding. - What does that say about me and about how much this person actually loves me? - Right. - And it makes you doubt about your worth, literally your worth. So then it makes you realize, wait, the stakes are higher because I am putting my self-worth in the hands of my partner. You don't do that with your best friends.

Or friends. You don't put your self-worth in those unless, you know, whatever, I don't know, really codependent friendship relationships, but you really don't. So I think that's one of the reasons. So if we can bring a little bit of that mindset of a friendship into the relationship and say,

In that case, he forgot because this is part of his personality. He forgets dates. And this is who he is. And that has nothing to do with me or what it means to our relationship. If he's going to call me, you know what? This is another thing.

If it's so important for you to celebrate that anniversary. And speak up about it. And your husband forgot about it, there's nothing wrong with you reminding your husband, hey, tomorrow's our anniversary. She's going to go to jail. But you want maybe him to do something special, remind him a week before. There's nothing wrong with it. I think you do this really well because I also grew up not really celebrating a lot of things. Like I didn't throw parties for my birthday. It wasn't like...

It's just not how I was raised or trained to like, let's celebrate every moment in our life, every anniversary, every year. And us Mexicans, we go, ta-ka-ra-ka-ta-ka-ta. Us Mexicans, everything's a celebration. Everything's a celebration, yes. So it's also learning to accept. And I think you do this well. You say, listen, you had a big guest on this week. You completed your book, whatever it is.

let's go celebrate and go out to dinner this weekend. So you say it like a week in advance and you say, I want us to celebrate and have a celebration. And I even say to you sometimes, let's choose a date. What day works. Yes. Let's do that. And you say what you want. I wouldn't be doing that. I wouldn't be thinking like, I'm just like, all right, I completed this thing or I launched my book. Like,

let's relax and hang out and then on to the next thing. And so if you want something, you have to communicate it. Yeah. And you have to understand what is your couple communication. Yes. And we do things differently from our past. And if we're joining a family and creating a family, we're going to create communication on what we both want moving forward. Yeah.

And it also means I may not want to celebrate every person's birthday, which is five a week. And we're not going to every event and we're not doing a celebration all the time. But it also means when you want to celebrate something, you communicate it to me and I plan to like celebrate those moments.

And I'm like, okay, this is not something I normally do, but she wants to do this this weekend. Let's plan it. Cool. I'm in because we're creating a family together. Yes. So it's not like a compromise. It's more about communication and what we want and making sure we're both in alignment. And the next thing is conflict resolution. When we're not in alignment on something, we're

It's really learning how to resolve friction, resolve disagreements, resolve moments of stress or overwhelm or like, hey, we're not seeing eye to eye. And I think a lot of it starts with conflict resolution. Identifying the issue, you know. Identifying the issue first. What is the issue? Is the issue that you don't love me right now? No. The issue is you're struggling with something that's happening and you want to feel safe, you know, or whatever it might be. And...

And it's talking about how can we come to a resolution around this thing? How can we create peace around it so you feel good and I feel good? Because if you don't feel good around something, the relationship isn't good and vice versa. So it needs to be, but I can't, you know, be a martyr and then only make you feel good and then I never feel good. Right. I need to be, we need to both be good.

in agreement that, okay, this works for me. Maybe I don't love this thing, but it works for me and I'm at peace with it. And we've come to an agreement. And that is learning how to have conscious conflict resolution. Not where you're saying that's stupid or you're wrong or screaming. It's saying, all right, let's work through this problem. Why do you feel this way? Why do I feel this way?

What doesn't work for you? What doesn't work for me? What does work for you? What does work for me? Okay, is there a way we can come together on this? And I think always reminding ourselves, you know, when there's a moment of confusion, how can we stay connected and like continue like holding hands? How can we listen? You know, something I like to do is,

read your mind and speak for you. You start a sentence and I'm like, I already know what you're going to say. This, this, and this, this. Let's just get to the point. It's very entertaining to me sometimes because I'm mid-sentence and then you complete what you think I'm going to say and you respond to the thing you thought I was going to say. Most of the time I'm right, though.

I would say like 80% of the time. Because you're very smart. I'm also a personality that's like, I want to get to the resolution now. I don't want to hear stories and go through every little thing of this thing. I'm like, I understand what you're feeling. Let's get to it. I'm a woman. So how do we process our feelings?

- Talking about them. - Telling stories over and over again. Which is okay, but it's again, understanding and accepting through conflict resolution of like, all right, I get to learn to be more patient and listen more as opposed to just guessing what you're gonna say. You bring the stories down a little bit 'cause you're a storyteller, so it's like, you just shorten them a little bit so that I can have more patience. - Exactly, yeah. No, and there's also something really, I think it's important that we apply that is really good. Again, the first step for conflict resolution is,

Try your best not to take it personal whatever is going on that the other person did that you felt offended or that you felt whichever emotion that you're feeling Rejected or not seen or any of these things is like most likely has nothing to do about you right right and so when

any of us brings up something to the table. It's more in the way of like, okay, first, I'm going to tell you all the things that I appreciate about you. This is what I said. We were in Hawaii a couple years ago. Yeah. And we had like, maybe it's like our first argument or something that we had. Yeah. And it was like,

an hour of struggle and I was like, why aren't we getting to a resolution quickly? Like it should be, you know, and it's like maybe our first one in like a couple of years or something. Because men want to fix things quickly. That's the thing. And us, we want to discuss what to do. And this is what I, this is what I said early on. I said, listen, you, we can have as many uncomfortable conversations as you want. Like if something is bothering you, I always want you to bring it to me. If something is on your heart or your mind, even if it's irrational, bring it to me and let's talk about it. And I said, what works for me

is not just coming to me after we're in Hawaii and we're in this beautiful place and I've taken you out to dinner and we took a walk on the beach and I, I don't know, bought you some bikini or whatever it is. And it's like, I've invested in this beautiful trip for us to have this amazing vacation. And then out of the blue, there's something on your heart or your mind. I can't remember. It was so easy. I can remember. It was about candles. Okay. I don't even remember what it was. I would

- It was the silliest thing about candles. - Doesn't even usually matter what it is, but it's more about like, but for whatever reason, it was like you were on this thing for like, I don't know, maybe it was an hour. It wasn't like you were blowing up, but I just felt underappreciated. And all I was thinking about, she's talking about candles or whatever it was you were talking about. - It's so easy. I think it's really good to dissect it a little bit. - You were talking about something that I didn't do that you wanted, right? It's like, you wanted me to have candles out or I don't know. - You felt, because this is the way you expressed later when we talked about it, that.

I was bringing up something because you were not doing enough of that something. And I just wanted to have a romantic night with candles. Right. And at that moment you said, candles feel like the movies to me. That's true. They feel like you're faking something. Like what's up with the candles, right? Yeah, yeah. It feels inorganic. It feels inorganic. It feels inauthentic. But it feels so romantic.

- It feels like I wanna throw up in my mouth. - Yes, but the thing is-- - I'm like, we're in Hawaii walking on the beach to the sunset. This is, I am romance. - And for me, precisely because we were in Hawaii and on the beach and all this stuff, I wanted the candles. It was just about the candles. - I understand. And I'm like, we had roses, we had flowers in the room. I already had all this stuff. - The point is,

A conflict is not really about the candles. It's not really about picking up the mail or cleaning the kitchen. It's what's underneath. That's what's happening. So what was underneath to me, I wanted to create a moment of intimacy, right? I wanted to share with each other a special intimate moment, like trying something a little bit different, you know? Just with the candles, yes.

And for you, and at that moment, it was my lack of communication. The way you received it is, oh my God, she's not seeing all of the things that I do right now. Yeah, she's... I pay for the strip. Yeah, yeah.

There's beautiful sunsets. There's like flowers and chocolate and this and that. There's all these things that we're experiencing in the most beautiful place in the world. And she's over here talking about candles. And she's talking about candles. I'm like, what is this? Exactly. But underneath, you felt unappreciated. Right. That's what was happening underneath. And what I told you is, I said, you can tell me everything you want or anything you don't like about something or you want more of. All these things.

But for me, what's going to work for me is if all you have to do is talk about what you're grateful for first or what you appreciate about what I've already been doing. And if you can come to me and say, gosh, I really appreciate it. You don't have to do a long list of everything, but just like, I really appreciate how you take care of me and that you brought us here. It can be as simple as that. You don't have to say, I'm grateful for how you did this today and this. You don't have to give me a list of everything, even though there's a lot of things. Yeah.

What I have to say is like, I just really appreciate how you do this. I laugh because sometimes it's really, if you do so many things, I start saying a lot of things. So all you have to do is say a few things of like, man, I really appreciate these things that you do. And I appreciate how you take care of us. And I appreciate that we went on this beautiful dinner last night. We went on a walk on the beach today and you were really taking time.

to like make this trip special. Yeah. And I'd like to try this thing. That's it. That's it. Then add. Yeah. And I'd love to try this thing. Do you think we can get some flowers tonight or we can get some candles too? I think it'd be really fun. Yes. For me, in the process, sorry to interrupt. Yes. As I was trying to explain yourself where I was coming from, Mm-hmm.

the longer the conversation, the faster you wanted to fix it. And the faster you wanted to fix it, the faster I felt like I needed to express where I really was coming from, which was not of making you wrong, which was not of being unappreciative, which was more of like, I just thought it'd be really cool to do this. That's where I was coming from. But because you are at that moment, because this happens in conflict,

You were so focused on trying to fix it very quickly. Yes. I felt unseen and you were feeling unappreciated. And that was what's happening underneath in reality. So it was, I'm so glad that happened. Yep. Because then after it happened, we both,

had this conversation and saying, you know, love, I understand now where you're coming from. But for me, it just, it just sinks in differently and kindly if you tell me in this specific way. And I was like, okay. And then when I tell you in that specific way, which I understand because like, otherwise it sounds to you like I'm not appreciating everything that you do already. I also would like to try these things and would like to express to you

Why right conflict resolution is a powerful thing because you can learn how to be a better relationship with your partner yes, and even though it takes these moments of stress or overwhelm or conflict in order for you to then have the Conversation and say hey when this happens again. Here's what I would love for us to try And that's why I say to you you can have as many uncomfortable conversations you want with me You can bring stuff up you don't like you can say you disagree whatever it is and we can have that conversation and

I guess there's only like two agreements that I like to have. One is don't have it when I put my head on the bed. So once I'm in bed, my head shuts off and I can't have these uncomfortable conversations. It's really challenging. Unless there's like a crisis, then okay, let's wake back up and let me be here for you. Which by the way, I want to say, that is such a beautiful adaptation we did together of that. Because we have that

that we've made together. You know what? After 11 p.m., and it's true, like one has to choose whenever to say something. So if your husband is just about to leave out the door in 10 minutes to go to work and you bring up a subject and then you're upset because he had to leave. Oh my God, he left me. No.

why did you bring it up then? You don't care about this. This is important. You're leaving to work. Exactly. Choose what you're going to bring. You're going with your friends right now. You don't want to listen to me. But I have the tickets already for the game. What do you mean? Why do you bring this up right now? So it's learning how to bring up conflict at the right times. And it doesn't mean you have to like

abandon yourself and wait weeks and months. It's just figure out, okay, when can we... And also saying, hey, there's something on my mind I want to talk about today that's bothering me. When is a good time for you? Exactly. And you make a date about it. It doesn't need to be when you want it to be. Your partner has to agree to receive the conversation also. So if something's really on your heart and mind...

And if they say, oh, actually, I want to resolve this now. So I'm going to cancel my thing because it doesn't work for me to like wait five hours. Then that's on you now saying, I'm going to cancel this thing and give you what you need. Or when I get back from this event to this game, then we can talk about it. Or tomorrow morning is better. It's like finding a time within like 24, 48 hours, I think is good. So the person isn't waiting to share this thing. And you're saying, I value your struggle enough to say, when do we want to talk about it?

For us, we don't have many of these conversations, but I'm also just like, it's, and I said to you, because there was a couple of times we had conversations late at night where I was just like, I'm exhausted. And you're like, you're not being present. You're falling asleep. And I'm like, it's midnight. What do you want me to do? And so the next day I'm like, we need to make a new agreement. This isn't working. Let's agree. Can we agree? No tough conversations after 10 PM. And now it's like, when my head hits the bed, it's

Can we not have a conversation that's tough? Like that's the time where we can talk about what we're grateful for and wind down. And it works for us. And it works for us. And that's the thing. I want to say something that I think is very important. All the things that we are sharing right now are things that work for us. Yes. Because I think...

All the agreements a relationship has and any relationship has to be tailored for them. Yes. Every person. That's why I love about our relationship is tailored for us. Maybe certain agreements that we have for a woman that has a more sensitive nervous system, maybe they wouldn't work. You know, maybe...

They need different agreements that can work for them. But you got it But then the man has to be okay with the agreement they're making don't be upset at the agreement Like don't make the agreement if you're not in alignment with it, right? And then the other thing is that these agreements are also negotiable Which is why I was grateful to say except there's a crisis because we had a situation that there was a crisis Yeah, then I woke up in the middle of night and you were like no we have this agreement at that moment and I was like but my god

My grandpa just died. And if there's a safe word, if there's something like, this is a crisis, I need you to wake up, then you know you're not crying wolf. Yes. Like once a week, it's like, no, this is actually something happening. And I'm like, okay, I'm awake. And it's like adrenaline mode. What do you need? I'm here. I have a question for you. What would you say, let's say there's a man and his wife or partner, fiance, has breakdowns almost every single day.

They want the man to be available every single moment like like how what would you be careful who you marry? Okay, we choose wisely who you marry or accept this who they are I mean It's like if you've been with someone for a year two three four years and you get married to them You cannot expect them to change overnight into someone you want them to be you have to accept who you're marrying and

Meaning have these conversations beforehand, understand who they are. Hopefully you get to know 90 to 95% of the person's personality within a two to three year window. Yeah. There's probably stuff I'll never fully know about you. There's always going to be things I'm going to learn about you. But 95% of you, I understand because I've witnessed so much of your time and experiences together. Yeah.

And before getting engaged, before getting married, I said, okay, I'm choosing to accept this about you. It doesn't mean I love everything about you, like little nuances that maybe like annoy me or something, but it doesn't bother me necessarily because I've chosen to accept it and this is who you are. And I could also say, I'm sure there's things that I do that you're like, okay, that maybe kind of annoys you.

but you've chosen to accept me so it doesn't bother you. It's not like, stop doing that. I don't like that. Well, this is the person you married and this is the person you chose to accept. If you didn't like who I was, you shouldn't have gotten married to me. Now, also on top of that, we know that we're in a growth mindset relationship. So we're both in agreement that we're going to strive to continue to improve individually and together and

And it doesn't mean every day we're not going to be perfect ever, but every day we're going to be willing to, you know, I'm going to take a look at that and reflect on it. And if something's horribly bothering you, I don't want that. So what can I do to try to create a new agreement in this space without feeling like I have to change who I am to please you? And I think that process of just a willingness that we are willing to grow, look at things, reflect because nothing's going to be perfect.

But we have accepted who we are and that acceptance is the foundation. And because of that, we can have these conflict resolution conversations when we are struggling with something. We can say, what's an agreement we can make around this?

And we're going to continue to make agreements for the future. You know, there's going to be new things that we're going to have to agree on that come up in our life. It's not like, oh, we have these five agreements and we're good. No. It's going to evolve. And some agreements may shift and change. Like, it's going to keep evolving. And I think that has been the thing because we accept each other. And I said this early on. I go, you know, you can...

You can be upset at me, you can have these challenging conversations, you can say whatever you want, but you have to accept me. You have to accept who I am, because I'm not changing to please you. I need to make sure that I'm happy with me and you are happy with me. And if you're not happy with me or if I'm not happy with you,

then that's a me thing or a you thing. You don't need to change. I need to change the way I look at you and perceive you and learn to continue to accept you because you're going to evolve and shift and change and adapt in life, and so am I. I love what you're saying because it really adds into that, but it's part of the same subject. When you're struggling with something about the person you're with,

Over and over and over again is because underneath that you wish they would change that. Yes. That's what it is and When you learn to accept the entire person not just you know Not just falling in love with the these parts of the person the entire person, you know Okay, she is fantastic in all these different ways however, yeah, she has a very thin nervous system and everything makes her break down and

That's the person you're with. And either accept her or don't be with her. Exactly. Because then the frustration that comes sometimes is not even about the person. It's about you wanting to change the person. And that creates a frustration because things are not the way you want them to be. Yeah. And then that's a struggle. And you're going to suffer. You're going to suffer. And so...

And listen, we've both done this in the past in previous relationships where we didn't, we weren't accepted. We didn't accept the people. We wanted people to change. They wanted us to change. And it's just stressful. It just doesn't feel good. And that doesn't mean that throughout the relationship, there's ways in you can grow together. Yes. You know, but, but it's, it's walking next to each other.

to create that space as well. Like if there is a woman or a man with a very, you know, a nervous system that is breaking down and needs a lot of reassurance all the time and everything, you know, it's again, talk about the issue together. How can I support you with this issue? You know, I've noticed this about you. Is there any way I can bring support

in our life to create a better life experience for the both of us. Because I see you struggle, so then it becomes also my struggle. How do we do this together? - Yeah. A big thing that people fight about and one of the main causes of breakups and divorces is around money conversations, money problems, money issues. And so one of the next things in the process that we took for the premarital counseling was around finances and creating just a sample

budget sheet. And I think this is more than just like a one-time conversation. This is something that we talked about over and over again.

And you can do a whole episode just in oh, yeah, we could and we will I mean Ramit Sethi has a great book That's like I will teach you to be rich from for couples or something like that camera the name of it But we've we've gone through that again eight dates talks about like money stuff We had like a whole date in this eight dates book by the Gottman's which was around money and like

It asks us, I think, like 50 questions that we both answer to each other about money to make sure we're in alignment. Your relationship with money. You may have a different relationship with money than I do. Everyone has a different relationship with money. And so you might have similarities within your partner, but you're going to have differences also.

And again, it's learning to accept the person. And one of the things that we talked about in here was like the debts you have, the debts I have. We didn't have any debts, but it's like it's something you talk about. It's like, is there debt? How are you going to handle this? How does that make you feel if the partner has that? Whose responsibility is that? Are you merging finances? Who's paying for what? Like these things that you just don't think about that maybe you assume that

And maybe you think, oh, the man's going to pay for these things and I'm not going to pay for anything when I'm married. Or maybe you say, we're going to split it 50-50. Or I've been a big entrepreneur. I'm going to take on the responsibility. And then two years later, you're married. And then one of the two is resentful.

You never discuss these things. Never discuss it. Or you find out, oh, wait, what? You had all this debt? Yeah. And you never told me? Like, all of this, I think it's information that is important. When you're dating, I think there's a moment. I mean, we talked about this when we were dating, before engaged. Yeah, yeah. And I think that's, for me, I was wanting to go through a lot of this stuff when we were dating because I was like, why get engaged and then break it off? Yeah. Like, why?

Like, oh, telling your friends and family in the world, oh, we got engaged. And then, eh, it didn't work out six months later because we didn't have these conversations. Yes. You don't have to. We had them before getting engaged. Yes. We did eight dates before. Yeah, the eight dates was before. Which went into money. And I was making sure, are we in alignment? Now, it doesn't mean we went through whose accounts are where and where we merged the money. It wasn't that. But it was like, are we in alignment on money? You know, there's like 50 questions through the date that we went through on like money. Yeah.

And each person has to answer the question. And then if we have a different answer, it was like, okay, why do you really feel about this? How do I feel about this? Are you okay if we did it this way? And we got to an alignment on a lot of these things. And it was like, okay, yeah, I'm okay with this. And you're okay with this. Okay, cool. But if we have a big disagreement around money before getting engaged,

And we don't resolve that. It's just going to create more stress and chaos and pain for people in engagement, in marriage, because they think they love each other. But I think marriage...

Again, we're three months in, so we're not experts in this, but I think it is about creating peace and creating harmony within alignment on values, vision, and lifestyle rather than do I love this person and does this person love me? Because that's going to be enough. I just don't think that's enough for people. No, it's not enough. And, you know, I've been working on this book the last few years, Make Money Easy, which was all about healing your relationship with money.

And I think when each individual goes through that process of healing their relationship with money, you have more peace and harmony coming together as well because you don't have...

fears, anxieties, limitations blocking you from feeling free with money. Also, you know what else? It's good to read that book together. Huge. You know, your book. But as couples. Read it together. Because a bunch of the questions and examples that come up in the book, you can share with each other. So it helps to share what the experience of money is being for each other. And then it helps you to understand your partner. Yeah. Because what's underneath any fight of money...

For a lot of people, it's trust, for example. Appreciation, there's another one. Oh, I buy her all these different things. But she does... All she does is complain. Complain and all this. And she just doesn't care. So she's not valuing my effort. She expects it. Yeah, yeah. Not valuing my job. Not valuing what I bring to the table for the both of us. So it's feeling unappreciated underneath. Or...

He's not sharing any of his finances. Why? You know, it's weird. What's going on? Oh, well, it's a matter of trust. Or he's cheap or he's whatever it is. Yeah. It's a matter of trust. So there's deeper things underneath what the conflict about money is. Yeah. And if you guys want us to do a whole episode on money and relationships, let us know in the comments below. Also, because in that whole episode, we can talk about the prenup. Oh, yeah.

- Oh yeah, everything. - We can talk about, oh my God, it's such a good episode. - The whole process, the whole process. So if you want more of that or you have problems with that, let us know in the comments below. So that was just part of it. Again, this could be a whole weeks for people to go through from that. Then we went over married intimacy. - Intimacy, oh my God, that was so beautiful and so important. - I can't remember that part, but what was the main part of it? - So the main thing about intimacy

in married couples, which is beautiful, is that one of the things is that we think marriage is a finish line. Oh, we got there, great. Now she's my wife, forget about the lover, you know? When it's like, you know what, before we got there,

I was getting ready for you to go out on a date. You were getting ready for me to go out on a date. We would go on a date together. We'd make it fun, joyful, special. Yeah. It's also, I was taking care of my health before you were taking care of your health before. And you can't just let go of yourself because you're married now.

It's like taking care of your health, taking care of your mind, getting ready for each other to go out and experience life and go on dates, like all those things. Yeah. The way they talk about it in the workshop also is that, because a lot of people think, oh, if you're in a Christian workshop or in a Catholic workshop, it's like, you never talk about sex. We should never. No, they talk about it. No, they talk about it because they tell you that.

Your husband and your wife is there to enjoy each other. That is literally another avenue of God's love for you. That is there for you. So the way to build intimacy has everything to do with everything we discussed before. You're not going to feel like you want to be intimate with me if I'm complaining about you all day long, if I'm complaining about the life we have all day long, if you feel unappreciated.

You're going to be like, you know, I don't even know if I want this. Or maybe you just want that. And then you'll be like, ah, because I don't want, you know, it's all encompassing everything. And it's an opportunity and a gift that God gives us to enjoy each other's love in a physical way. And it is as important as the other ones also. Knowing that it will change and evolve in times and all these different things. So it's like. What happens if the woman doesn't want to have sex as much as the man?

What happens? Yeah. Well, you probably have to ask her why. Like, what's happening with you? What's going on? It may not have anything to do with a man. Most likely something's going on for her. And so you can, like, you can curiosity, you know, address the woman and say, hey, I love connecting with you this way.

So it's not about sex per se, it's about intimacy. I love connecting with you this way. I feel loved when we're intimate with each other. And I'm starting to feel less-- - Disconnected. - I'm starting to feel disconnected and that's a beautiful way to connect with you. It's interesting because I don't wanna be like, men are like this and women are like this. However, there are certain things that we are different. This is a reality.

For men, what I've heard from you is like looking for that connection. When you are intimate with your partner, you feel more connected, right? And for us, in order for us to feel intimate with our partner, we need to feel emotionally connected first. So it's almost like which one's the first, like chicken out of the egg. But in reality, it's a complement of each other in that way. You feel...

You feed the emotional connection and you feel the physical connection in one and another and they go in like this in a circle. But why would you think a woman wouldn't want to have intimacy with their partner? Feels disconnected. You mean ask the woman? Probably. I don't know. She feels disconnected or she feels undervalued or underappreciated or something's off. Something's off for some reason.

Doesn't feel attracted to the man or feels resentful or feel, I mean, a number of things. You know, there's an interesting thing that I've learned recently that, you know how there is harmful machismo? You know what machismo, right? Am I saying it right? Yeah. There's also harmful. It's your language. I know, but I'm saying machismo, but I don't know if it means the same thing. It means the same thing here. Macho machismo. Macho machismo. There's harmful machismo. Yeah, yeah. And there's also harmful sexism.

feminism. Like, I believe this. And when you, as a woman, you start thinking that your power over your man has to do with sex and how much you give it to him or not and when and only when you want to. And all of that stuff, you are creating the biggest prison ever. And

It's a version of control. Yeah. It's manipulation. It's manipulation. Absolutely. And... Man. Yeah. And so I think that part is important to, you know... So women shouldn't control sex with the man they're married to? No. No.

Should have manipulated them or say I'm not giving it to you or not now. No, I don't think so Why what happens when that happens because you're falling into the trap of control as in anything else in life That's not love. You are you are Saying I have this thing that you want. So therefore I'm above you right now and you're here and

So unless you do this and this and this and that, I'll do this. Oh, man. And that's going to make the man resentful. Exhausting. It's going to be exhausting. And you are not realizing this, but you are making yourself a thing. How so? How so? But you're saying, this is a thing. This is what you value and you're not going to give me. Yes. This is what I'm going to put my value into as a woman. It's going to be my body. So then, therefore, that's the value.

And so there you go. You're only going to have it when I want to, how I want to. Great. It's fantastic. You look great right now. What's going to happen when you're 60, 70? Are you really, you are going to be continuing to make the effort of put your value on the physical aspect of you. You're not building for the longterm. Wow. This is why I think it's like, it's also you, when you, when you make a,

a sacrament of matrimony, if you're getting married, I guess, maybe if you're not in a relationship, but if you're getting married and you're saying, I'm choosing to only be with you and to be sacred with you. And someone says, no, you can't have it.

for a week or weeks or months or whatever like what do you think is going to happen someone's going to be like break the relationship it's a very good relationship but it's like if you're forcing someone now if there's something medical or something else that's happening oh yes it's different but i'm talking about if you're having power and control over the person and saying no you can't have this right now until you do this or this or whatever um unless you've broken trust in some way like and the person really needs time to heal that's different but if it's just like

You're not listening to me. You're not going to get this. Some petty thing. I mean, if it's... Sometimes it doesn't come that way. Sometimes it comes in like, I'm tired. Yeah, exactly. The kids are so much this and this and that. But you're building a gap. You're building a gap and you're...

it doesn't matter how disciplined the partner is you're with. You spend six months doing that, a year doing that, they start to be like, man, their mind's gonna wander, no matter how disciplined they are. It doesn't mean they're going to cheat, but you're not setting your relationship up for success.

You're setting it up for more of an ability for someone else to get in or distractions or whatever it might be. And so you just got to be mindful of that. You've got to be really mindful, I think. Otherwise, or just communicate. Hey, I'm not really feeling it right now. And something's going on in my body and I just need like a couple weeks or whatever it is. That's different. Communicating it. Hey, I'm going through stuff right now.

But there's other ways we can be intimate. Like, I don't want us to lose the intimacy. There's other ways to be intimate. And the thing is that

It is true. Sometimes all of the things that I just mentioned, I'm tired, the kids and all that. We don't have kids yet, but I know. Exactly. You can be exhausted at certain times. 100%. It's not those things. But when the gap is too... When it's manipulation, though. It's more like power. When it's manipulation. Yeah. Or when it's too much. That gap is actually too much. And then it becomes a little bit dangerous. Yes. Because also, I think...

Like I said, when you, and like you said also, when you're creating this covenant of marriage, you are committing yourself to that person. You are. You are. Otherwise, don't get married. Exactly. You're committing yourself to that person. But if that person is not fulfilling their vows. Yeah. Because being intimate with each other is part of fulfilling the vows. Mm-hmm.

When that person is not fulfilling their vows, I think it leads to a conversation with a therapist, with a priest, with somebody that can guide you to that. You know, there's something deeper happening in there that we don't know what it is because we don't, you know. And that's why I go back to, you know,

the beginning of like knowing that we both had a growth mindset or a reflective mindset. It's like, hey, I'm willing to look at myself in the mirror if something's off, say, how can I improve? Or how can I take a look at this and see things differently and find an adjustment to make sure our relationship's working?

And that made me feel safe knowing you were in the same position, that we were both in this position. So it's like when stuff comes up like that, it's really having the conversation and learning how to manage the conflict with like calm resolution and then create agreements around it. Yes. And it might be seasonal. So it's, yeah. Intimacy, married intimacy is a big one. There's two final things that we went through with this process. Yes.

And after we share these two final things, I'm going to share both of these big announcements, these surprises. So stay tuned for that in a moment. But the next one was dreams, goals, and decision-making. Yes. And it's talking about, you know, how to...

communicate, get clear and be in alignment on each other's dreams, goals and decision-making. Because when you're getting married, you know, there's two individuals with their own either careers, goals, dreams, things they've overcome and, and visions they have for the future. And when two come together to create a unity, a family, it's, I communicated early on about like, this is my dreams. This is my goal. This is the season of life I'm in right now. Yeah.

And I don't know if this is going to be 10 years, 20 years, two years. I don't know. But this is where I'm heading. And I want to make sure you're cool with that. Meaning the lifestyle I have, which sometimes I'm traveling a lot. Sometimes I'm speaking on stage. Sometimes there's a lot of people around. Sometimes I'm interviewing people. Sometimes I'm not. Sometimes whatever. Sometimes you're writing. Sometimes you're...

your dream that you have right now, which is fantastic. Exactly. You know, it's like, I've got a plan to go to the Olympics in the future and that's going to take me traveling a lot. It's like, it's going to take us traveling together, you know, supporting that dream. Absolutely.

Is that something you're something in your alignment? And I also know that you make movies. You usually make two or three movies a year. That's between eight to 10 weeks at a time. And you're going to be traveling. It's like, am I cool with that? Am I cool with either not seeing you for a couple weeks at a time? Cause I'm going to need to be present here traveling back and forth, vice versa. Is that a lifestyle thing?

that I'm cool with. Because if it's not, and it's a big no-no, and I never want to travel, and you're always traveling, then that lifestyle conflict, that dream and goal conflict is going to create a conflictive relationship. And also the decision, the decision-making, I think is important because another thing that I think is beautiful that we do and we started implementing is what your dreams are,

They are also my dreams. Yes. What my dreams are, they're also your dreams. Yes. I mean, obviously we're two individuals and you have your dreams of, you know, playing handball and, you know, doing all these things. And I have my own dreams. But what happens is when we're sharing them with each other because we are together choosing each other as husband and wife. They're our dreams.

They become our dreams. And then we discuss them. Like, I remember this time, this was a long time ago, but I had, I was going to go for a project that was going to shoot in South Africa. And I was really close in the audition process. Yes. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't want to say the project because like, but I'll tell you after a while.

I didn't remember it was South Africa. Okay. Yeah. At the time, we didn't know it was going to shoot in South Africa. But potentially, it was going to be either Australia or someplace far away. And I remember we had a conversation about it. It would have taken me nine months, between eight to nine months, to shoot that thing there. And I called my manager and I said, I know they're between me and another girl. I don't want to take it. Yeah. Because...

We discussed this, like, does it work for our life and the way we are setting up our foundation? And to me, it was worth not doing it. It wasn't a big enough dream project. It wasn't like, this is the project I've always wanted to do. But even if it was, that's the thing. When you make a decision, that's the decision we make together. So there's no point later and to turn around saying, remember that thing that I let go because of... No, no, no. We made the decision together and it was a good decision. I was a peacemaker.

You were at peace with it. Exactly. You weren't like, I really want to do this, but I have to sacrifice for this. No, no. You were like, it's okay if I don't. Because you also had lots of options. You have this other project and this other movie. And the movies I produce myself that I can choose the schedule when I'm doing it. Maybe if it was eight weeks, it would have been different. But nine months, you're like, oh, that doesn't make sense. Yeah. So it's coming up with the decision making and again, agreements around that. Yeah.

And with your dreams, right? Absolutely. You came back from the Olympics and said, hey, listen. Hey, I want to go to the Olympics. I want to go to the Olympics. And you also knew that I always wanted to go. Yes. So it was like you knew that I'm going to do stuff like this. Yeah. Which is, by the way, the beauty of sharing life together. Who am I to say, no, you can't.

wait a second but we have you know this and this right no we're this is this is why we're choosing to be together from our freedom from our freedom so it's like you you are excited about this dream i'm excited about that dream is it gonna take us to spain and going somewhere okay we'll go that's what we're doing that's what we are doing yes you know so that that part i think it's

Obviously where we have only been married for three months, but we've been using it for all the time and all the years we've been in our relationship. Exactly. And I think it's important foundation. Absolutely. The last thing is about spirituality and kind of bringing it home. So they started with, again, a candle ceremony and kind of setting the stage for the weekend. And then we went through all these different exercises, uh,

Role-playing they did breakout sessions with small groups so we could say oh, why do you think that way? Why do you think that way and kind of get these different couples? Opinions as well, which I thought was interesting we did a lot of games where it's like we sat back to back and was like raise your hand if you think this way and raise your hand if you think this way and it was like Raise your hand if you know Your significant other has debt

Raise your hand if you know that it was interesting to see also other couples. Other people that didn't know their stuff yet. Yeah. And so all these kind of exercises and games and role-playing really allowed you to get to know your partner more, who you're engaged with, about to get married to. That's why I think it's important to do stuff like this before engagement. Yes. Because if your chemicals of love are saying, this is the woman I want to be with, the man of my dreams, because we've had...

whatever fun vacations together and he makes me feel good or she makes me feel great and you don't do a lot of this stuff you're just going to be heartbroken when you're married because you're going to have such a high expectation that they can never meet and you're going to feel frustration after frustration after resentment after resentment

And then one day you're gonna wake up looking at the person saying, why did I fall in love with this person? Why do I love this person? Because you haven't chosen to understand everything about them or at least 80, 90% and say, do I accept all of them? Do I accept all of them?

And can I love all the parts of them? Not just the part of the fantasy world. You know, the romance. Or when they're happy. Can I accept this person also when they're frustrated? Yeah, exactly. Well, they do these things when they're frustrated. Well, this is who they are. Can you accept it? Can you accept that? Doesn't mean you have to love it or like it, but can you accept it? Yeah, yeah. So the spirituality part was kind of like bringing it all home. Go ahead. And the spirituality part also was about how to raise children. Was it? In spirituality. Meaning like, because that's a big...

I have certain friends that are dating somebody from a completely different faith. Well, that's a conversation. Yeah, yeah. Because if they're really hardcore that faith, which is good, but if it's completely different from yours...

How are you gonna raise kids? Come to those agreements like talk about it like if it's not as important for you But still talk about how you're gonna raise children, right? That's exactly and a lot of his Spirituality in the home. How's your relationship gonna be with spirituality raising kids with spirituality all those things Yeah, which brings me to the first Surprise, would you like to share?

The first surprise? There's two. I don't know which one's the second one. Just say the first one. Okay. Do you want me to say it? I'll say the second one. You go ahead. Okay. So I'm pregnant. Ah, yay. We are having a family together. Yes. A bigger family together. Yes. So that's the big announcement. Yes. We made you guys wait a couple hours to hear it, but you're pregnant, and maybe we'll talk more about it later in another episode, but that's just something we wanted to share with people here.

And at this point, we've already probably posted about it online. But we've been, you know, quiet about it for a few months. So it's a big surprise. I mean, it's not a surprise. We were planning this, but it's a surprise to people. Yeah.

Yeah, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. So that's the surprise that I was sharing before. I love you. That's the first one. It's a good surprise. It's a great surprise. Yes, it's a great surprise that we're sharing. I mean, it's not a surprise for us. Exactly. It's good. It's a good announcement. Yes. And I think all of this that we went through, this pre-marriage counseling, this whole process, almost...

Although it takes time. It takes energy. It takes patience. It takes frustrating conversations to work through them. It's not like this fun. Oh, we're going on the beach this weekend. It's like, oh, you're going in, you're diving in, you're having conversations about stuff that's messier. Although it is all those things, it created such a great foundation for us to get married

the way we got married and for you to get pregnant and to feel like there's safety, there's like peace, there's harmony, there's agreements when there's challenges, you know, we, we know how to resolve conflict. So we're not living in like this stressful chaos. It's like, we've done a lot of the work we've come together. And again, we're not speaking from a place of like, we're married for 20 years and we figured this process out. It's more of,

We feel like we've had to learn through challenges and adversity and a lot of ups

for the first few years of like how to set a foundation and create a process that works for both of us to come together to get married. Yes. And this is what works for us. I wanted to ask you something. Yes. How do you feel? I feel very good. About becoming a parent. I feel good. Again, I've, I told you yesterday, I was like, it hasn't really hit me yet. I mean, it's hit me, but I don't think it's going to hit me until like, I see your belly like really big and

Probably like the day it happens. Then I'm going to be like, holy, this is really happening. Yeah. So I'm excited, but I'm more in mode of like, I got to get more done. I got to get ahead. I got to plan. I got to like produce, create, provide. I'm more like, all right, let's go. You know, I'm like thinking ahead of the future. And so it's very exciting, but I'm also excited.

you know, it's not in my body. So it's more, I'm like, I'll never know what that feels like. I mean, I've been feeling it at different moments, but I didn't feel the marriage until like really like the day before or something, you know? And I was like, oh, this is happening. Even the day of, I was like playing pickleball in Mexico and I was like, oh, I guess I'm getting married tonight. But it was that evening, the church wedding, those were all like, oh, the day of, okay, this is happening. But no, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling excited, but it

I'm just not physically feeling. No, well, obviously you're not physically feeling. I'm feeling it. So I'm not, I'm not feeling the range of like emotions and hormones and all these things that you feel every moment, but I'm, I'm excited. Yes. But it's, we still have time. We still have time. So I got to prepare my mind. I got to get my resources together and get ready. So that's where I'm at. But that's, um,

That's the announcement and the surprise. Our family is expanding. It's expanding. You're an amazing wife. I love you. You're an amazing husband. We've got so many things we could talk about in future episodes on like, you know, the prenup situation, why it was important for you to change your last name, like all these things to create a stronger foundation and a stronger unity for us that works for us. And so whatever you guys want to hear about next, let us know in the comments below. Let us know what you enjoyed most from this conversation and,

Again, I feel like we just scratched the surface. We're almost two hours in for one episode. Okay. And I think this is a good place to start. There was a lot of additional topics and reflection that we also went through, which is around like your family, my family, our family, planning for kids, living together. It was like so much around like moving in and living together that most people don't understand. Agreements, disagreements, all these different things.

But this was a good start, I think, for people. And it was a great start for us before getting married because, again, it just made us feel, it made me feel more at peace. And I think I always had fear around marriage growing up because I just didn't feel like I had a good model of it. You had a great model with your parents. They're incredible. They're still together 40 years later, married, and they're happy. And so for me, it was like I really needed to feel at peace and safety, right?

I needed to feel like someone wasn't going to sweep the rug underneath me and like say, Oh, I say I love and accept you. And then we're married. And now change this, do this. I don't like this, blah, blah, blah. And I was just like, I'm not living that life, you know, cause I've lived it too many times. So for me, having someone who's a growth minded, someone who's,

got a regulated nervous system and the knows how to manage their, their emotions was big for me. And it's something you have, then you do beautifully. And so I'm very grateful. Not every day. I'm like, but most of the time, but it's all right. I'm not either, but I appreciate you. I'm grateful for you. I love you. I'm excited for our life. I'm grateful that we got married, that we're having a family and hopefully, um,

This conversation is helpful for people. You know, hopefully it is. Again, we don't have all the answers. We're not experts at marriage. And also, this is what works for us. That doesn't mean it's going to work for everybody else. But I feel like, you know, together, being together, but also like I...

You led us in this beautiful path of how we're going to set up the foundation. Because a lot of the things that we did were your ideas that you wanted to bring to the table. Things that I fantasized about doing, you know,

back in the day with whomever was gonna be my husband, but I never thought, "Oh, I'm gonna meet a man that he's gonna wanna do this work." Like on his own, which I was really happy about. Like including like the first time we went to mass together, it's because it was your idea. You said, "Hey, let's go to church." I was like, "Oh my God." - And I'd never been to mass and never been to a Catholic church, but I knew you were raised that way. So I wanted to like explore it for you and say, "Okay, if this is meaningful for you, I'm willing to try it."

It doesn't mean I'm gonna commit to this forever, but I'm willing to explore and try things and see what it feels like. - And I think it's a combination also because we do this with each other. If I see things that you're doing that bring you joy and peace,

I'm like, not only go for it, but also, oh, I'd like to try that too. Yeah, exactly. It's like, because we see that the outcome of these things is more joy, more peace, more fun, more curiosity about life and exploring and more of setting up a foundation. Absolutely. Yeah. I love you. I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for you. I appreciate you. You're a wonderful man. You're an amazing wife. If you guys enjoyed this, share below what you want to hear more of.

Make sure to subscribe to Martha's channel as well, Infinitos on YouTube. Follow her on Instagram. It's still your former name, Martha Higueda. But in the future, we'll start switching those things around. But check her out. Follow her. If you want us to do more of this, let us know. This was fun. This is the first time in like a year and a half almost. Yes. Because people loved the last episode we did, the last two episodes we did. Yeah.

And I feel like we've learned so much in the last year and a half from this process, going through all these books and workbooks and workshops and relationship mentors. So I think we should share more. Also, we both experienced in the past similar relationships that brought us to, you know, we were both not to say anything about, you know, the people we're with because we chose them. But...

So many people are there outside that are in a very codependent relationship. So like if you want us to share how was it for us, how to, you know, not break from that, but like inside of you, how to break free inside of you from those things in order to find and build together a healthier love. Absolutely. And I think that, you know, that would be really fun to share.

Let's do it. If you guys want more, let us know. Te Amo, I love you. You're amazing. I love you too. I love you. I love you so much. I have a brand new book called Make Money Easy. And if you're looking to...

create more financial freedom in your life, you want abundance in your life, and you want to stop making money hard in your life, but you want to make it easier, you want to make it flow, you want to feel abundant, then make sure to go to makemoneyeasybook.com right now and get yourself a copy. I really think this is going to help you transform your relationship with money this moment moving forward.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as

ad-free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter.

And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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