Esther Calling - It Feels Like My Siblings Abandoned Me
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So lately I've been wondering how to resist resentment that can come from your particular role within a family system. For context, I am the youngest of three and was raised in a Midwestern Catholic family. And within the last few years, my parents have had numerous health complications and

With our family system kind of in crisis, I have kind of felt this responsibility to be a significant emotional support. But at times it can feel like a lot of pressure and also just kind of lonely. Sometimes I feel like my siblings can check out in different ways and I do want to honor their reasons for doing so.

But I find that it still kind of hurts to feel alone. And I guess I'm just wondering how to not let bitterness or resentment take over. Vitamin water is from New York. We needed a drink that can keep up with the music scene in the city. We got to see our favorite DJ perform in Brooklyn at 3 a.m. Or sing karaoke in the village also at 3 a.m.

Drink vitamin water. It's from New York. On September 28th, the Global Citizen Festival will gather thousands of people who took action to end extreme poverty. Join Post Malone, Doja Cat, Lisa, Jelly Roll, and Raul Alejandro as they take the stage with world leaders and activists to defeat poverty, defend the planet, and demand equity. Download the Global Citizen app today and earn your spot at the festival. Learn more at globalcitizen.org.com.

Hi. Hello, hello. Welcome. Thank you. Describe to me the situation. Where is the family at? What are the forces that impinge on the family at this moment? What are the requirements of the different family members? How have the roles changed or not changed enough? So, yeah. Yeah.

My senior year of college, which was, I think, three years ago, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. And following his chemotherapy, which he's healthy now, but like directly after, my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And then...

There was a lot of tension even in that first diagnosis because at the same time, my sister, who is very Catholic and wanted to get married and start her life, which she couldn't really do based on her belief system without getting married. And so she had moved the wedding date up and

That meant that my mom decided to wait and push her surgery date back. And it's kind of been a roller coaster ever since then. She really was like the alpha in our family, kind of like the center. And I think it really upended a lot of just stability for us. And then just the summer, the...

wound on the top of her head never fully healed. And so they had to graft skin to put on the top of her head to close it, which is like a very complicated surgery. And it ended up being like seven hours. And I was the only sibling in attendance for that

surgery. And it was just really hard to be there by myself with my dad. Where was everybody else? And who is everybody else? Yes. So my sister, she lives close to my parents now. She just moved in the last year. And she has two kids now, both below the age of two. So she's definitely...

very busy with them. Um, and then my brother, who's the oldest. So my sister's the middle child. I'm the youngest and my brother's the oldest. And he, I don't know, he kind of just checked out this round. So let me tell you what I'm hearing. And if this is, if this reflects it, um,

Your family is organized in such a way that mom is the pivot and there are three children around. Your dad is important, but not central. And both of them have been going through major medical crises that have demanded that the children step in to help. But the primary person that has stepped in is you.

You doing it, but you also find it very burdensome and overwhelming and lonely to do it alone. Everybody else seems to have explanations for why they do or do not show up. You can't even think about that because you have to show up so you don't even ask yourself. And you're upset or you resent it. And I'm curious when I listen to you, what do you sound like when you are angry?

Because this is a very, very gentle voice that says, I would like not to be resentful. It says it with the sweetest, kindest, most forgiving, most accepting voice I can imagine. So what do you sound like when you're not that sweet and kind? What is the voice you don't want to hear inside of you? Yeah.

I struggle with feeling angry. Why? In what way do you struggle? I mean, as in, I don't have the permission to be angry. Everybody should do what their heart tells them or what their God tells them or what their values tell them. And therefore, I have no right to ask for more. I mean, what's the rationale in your head that is tripping you? Well,

When I get upset, because I did express some concerns going into the surgery to my mom, like kind of wishing my brother would accompany me and trying to explain where I was coming from. And I remember her being like, you just got to get over that. And because I have also kind of held on

to that frustration with my sister. It's not that I let it affect our everyday experience, but when these moments of crisis come up again, because there's been twists and turns, like every time I think about

it's done or we've reached the end, there's like another kind of setback. So I think back to that experience and I just can never seem to understand why my sister made the decisions that she made, even though

I do understand the belief system that informed those decisions. So let me make sure I understood this. Your sister wanted to have kids. In order to have kids, she needed to be married. And in order to be married, she needed your mother to postpone her brain tumor surgery so that she could have the wedding first. Is that what you're telling me? A little bit. I mean, my sister wanted to be able to live with her. They can't even... Like, her belief system...

Yes, she wanted to live with her partner and for that she had to be married first. She wanted to have sex with your partner and particularly maybe to procreate with that person. And so for that she needed to be married. And in order to be married, she needed your mother to postpone her surgery. Is that what, or am I missing something here? Essentially, yes, but it was that the date was set first and then they didn't ask my sister to change it. And your sense is,

That they are more understanding and compassionate with your siblings than with you? To you, they say, get over it. And to them, they say, whatever you need. I don't know what the conversations sound like when they're with my siblings directly. But I do sometimes feel like they know that I...

will be understanding or can understand these other perspectives. And I think that my mom and dad actually, they really value family unity, but the kind that's more just

As long as it looks like it's peaceful, not the kind that is actually. I mean, I think they do value unity in general, but I think that they would just prefer things to be without conflict. And where does that leave you? They don't want conflict. You're reluctant to experience resentment or anger or aggression, right?

You find it easier to be sad than to be mad. Yeah. Have there been other major disruptions in the family that required collaboration, understanding, action, tough decisions, acceptance? Yeah. So I'm gay and that was a major upheaval for me.

my mom and my sister in particular. And that's been really challenging. My sister's pretty homophobic and also in denial. Like she won't say my sister's a lesbian. I think that was like another element of why her wedding was so hard because it felt like this solidifying thing

of these very two different worldviews. My sister's husband is also very homophobic and comes from a very large Catholic family. So it almost felt like losing her in a new way. That's difficult. And with her having kids, it raises new questions too. Because I recently wanted clarification and asked if I would be able to have my partner

around her children and she said yes only if they're viewed as a friend because she can't risk her children going to hell which is really frustrating. I don't even I don't know how to negotiate that really. We have to take a brief break.

So stay with us and let's see where this goes. Support for Where Should We Begin comes from Babbel. The year is already halfway through and soon enough we'll all be looking back at our New Year's resolutions and taking stock. Well, if one of your goals this year was to practice another language, there's still plenty of time, especially if you try Babbel online.

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On September 28th, the Global Citizen Festival will gather thousands of people who took action to end extreme poverty. Watch Post Malone, Doja Cat, Lisa, Jelly Roll, and Raul Alejandro as they take the stage with world leaders and activists to defeat poverty, defend the planet, and demand equity. Download the Global Citizen app to watch live. Learn more at globalcitizen.org.com.

You know, what I'm watching you for is your original question, right? How do I not let resentment get to me? And my one thought I have is, why wouldn't it get to you? Yeah. Like, why wouldn't you be mad? It's very different than just say frustrated. Yeah. So I'm not even going to...

necessarily focus at first on the specific. I'm taking care of my parents. I'm the one who lives far away. I'm the one who travels home. I'm the one who attends the seven-hour surgery. Where is everybody? And on what basis am I supposed to do this? And I'm not even accepted. And I do more than anybody else. And that's a whole subject we're going to come back to because it happens, you

particular transition of parents getting older and parents getting sick and how the family organizes around this and how there is a role distribution and who's allowed to check out and who's allowed to have other priorities and who's demanded to show up.

That whole thing. But in addition, there's something broader here that is a question that may not be related to specifics. It's just that you're coming with a particular situation, which is your relationship to anger. Yeah. And I'm not talking about fighting and yelling. Just, you know, as in basically saying this, this is not right.

Or this is unfair or this is uneven. Or look, you are going to do what you are going to do because you want your conscience to be clear. So you are going to show up not because your siblings don't show up, but you're going to show up because that's what you choose to do. And one day you want to be able to look in the mirror and say, I acted according to my values and my integrity and I did what I felt was right.

The fact that I'm also upset at the fact that my siblings just left it all up to me is added to this. It's both ends. You're not going to do those things because of how they act. You're not going to be, how do you say, reacting just to what they do. You're going to choose your values and your behavior and how you want to be with your parents.

But the broader story here is, what is the family's relationship to anger? And therefore, also, what is your relationship to anger? Yeah, I think I've often experienced, if I'm angry or just upset, because I don't know if it's interpreted as anger if I get to that point, but I feel like it's...

just, you know, it disrupts the family system. And my mom, I think, is a huge influence and person that I just kind of encompass. And especially because of everything she's been through, I sometimes feel like I want

Like she's always been sad that my relationship with my sister has been trying. And sometimes I think that I work to... She wants you to be the one to harmonize. Yeah. Okay. The fact that she thinks you and your sister, it's too bad you don't get along is one thing. But who should make it better? You. Yeah.

Or at least I think that that's your sense is my sister gets to say, I don't like this. I don't want gay in my house. You can't tell my kids who you are. I can't show up. I need to get married. Your sister gets to, and what makes you angry is the fact that you are forced to be good, dutiful, suppress your needs, act according to the higher powers, right?

And your sense is that your sister gets away with stuff. Yeah. For some reason, she's seen as the one who needs to be able to express, to explode, to say no, to say this is it. But you have to be higher than thou. And you have to bring in the holiness in the house.

That's how I'm hearing you. Am I off? Am I traveling in my own imagination? I don't think so. I mean, I guess that's how I at least view it or experience. And how much is coming out related to that? Or how much has this two have coexisted with each other for a long time? Oh, I see. I think coming out was...

It definitely maybe exacerbated some of that or just put more of those dynamics on display. As in, since I am claiming something that is so not what my family stands for, I now have to be good in every other domain of life. I've used up my entitlement quota.

I think part of that was like, I was so afraid I was going to lose my mom. And I really struggled. That summer, I remember going home to talk to her just for a couple days after. And it didn't go so well. And after that, I just remember feeling like,

so sad and like not sure what to do. And I think with time and interaction of just not focusing so much on that rupture, but just enjoying who she is because she's, I adore my mom. I hear you. She's awesome. And it did help, but I think maybe no, like knowing the depth of that fear of loss and,

makes me wary of... I don't want to do anything that would upset her. Yeah. And could make her more sick. Yeah. So I want to save her as much as I can with her and I'll deal with my feelings about all of this another time. Yeah. I think there have been so many times within the last couple of years where I felt like I've lost her in different ways. Yeah.

But then that she's still here almost feels like a miracle. And I don't want to take that for granted. But sometimes in the process of that, I can lose sense of my own needs. Does your partner support you? Yeah. Do you have friends who support you? And do you find support outside the family? I do. I have really remarkable friends. They listen to me and...

show up for me in so many ways. I couldn't ask for better friends. Has anybody ever traveled home with you? No. Could you imagine that? Would you consider that? Yeah, I could definitely imagine it. It's a very remote place where home is. It's

The Midwest, very small town. So it would be an experience for someone that's from the East Coast. It would be an anthropological field trip. It really would. There's one stoplight in my town. But it would make you feel that you can savor your relationship with her and be supported by those who have some to give. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. That sometimes waiting for your siblings to show up is a little bit like Moses and the rock. Yeah. You hit, you hit, but the water doesn't come. So you have water in your life, but it's not in your nuclear family. Right. Bring the water with you. Mm-hmm.

We are in the midst of our session and there is still so much to talk about. We need to take a brief break. So stay with us. Support for Where Should We Begin comes from Quince.

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Hey, Sue Bird here. I'm Megan Rapinoe. Women's sports are reaching new heights these days, and there's so much to talk about. So Megan and I are launching a podcast where we're going to deep dive into all things sports, and then some. We're calling it A Touch More.

Because women's sports is everything. Pop culture, economics, politics, you name it. And there's no better folks than us to talk about what happens on the court or on the field and everywhere else too. And we'll have a whole bunch of friends on the show to help us break things down. We're talking athletes, actors, comedians, maybe even our moms. That'll be a fun episode.

Whether it's breaking down the biggest games or discussing the latest headlines, we'll be bringing a touch more insight into the world of sports and beyond. Follow A Touch More wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Wednesday. What I'm hearing you say is, I experience all of this in such precariousness right now. It's so fragile. I don't want to jeopardize anything. I don't want my mother to be surrounded by strife. Mm-hmm.

Which is your choice? You'll deal with your siblings afterwards. You can basically think to yourself, at this moment, my priority is to be with her. And I'll organize myself in a way that makes that possible for me. If you want to have a conversation with your sister or with your brother, you can. My question to you is, is there a part of you that wishes that your mother would stand up for you?

Yeah, I do. That's the other resentment. You see, there's a part of you that says, I should not have any needs because she takes up all the space at this moment and she's the priority. And there's a part of you that wishes that she would actually stand up for you.

Yeah. And that's conflict. That's less about resentment and that's more of a conflict. How do I ask for something? How do I express or have any needs without experiencing my needs as crumbling her? And so the only way that I can preserve her is by suppressing any need that I have. Yeah, that feels very true. Say it in your own words. If you said it to her.

I think I would say, Mom, sometimes I just want you to have my back. I just want you to see things from my vantage point and in a way that I see you do for my sister and my brother. And I don't want to feel like my feelings are too much or that they're going to break the family system. Yeah.

Keep going. You've had this conversation in your head many times. Yeah. I sometimes think that you think I can be too sensitive or that my emotions are too disruptive or destabilizing, but all I really need is for you to say, I hear you and I see you, and that would be enough. Mm-hmm.

And while I try to do everything in my power to keep you alive, the anticipation of this recognition, this feeling heard and seen to never happen, feels like the loss that would be the other loss that accompanies death. I will lose you as my mom, but I would also lose never having received that recognition from you. Yeah.

And it may demand guts from you to say to her, "You know, we are on treacherous ground, and I'll be there for you. And it would mean the world to me if I could feel from you that you see if you would have my back." I can imagine in the future if one day you're not around that this is going to be the loss that will be the hardest for me. It's like I could accept your going,

If I know that I have had you in that very special way, that I have had from you, your back, your eyes, your ears, your understanding, your empathy, your compassion. Yeah. How does that register with you? I think that is what I look for and love.

She did write me a thank you card and it meant the world to me. Like it made it feel like it was all worth it. And I think knowing how significant that is really points to that desire of mine to feel recognized by her fully. Did you answer? Um, I called her and said that I really appreciated it. Um,

I find writing her is actually one of the best ways to get all my thoughts out. That's actually how I came out to her. I was too afraid to say it. Well, actually, I didn't want to hold her accountable to her first response. I kind of wanted her to have a moment to process it. So pick up exactly there. Yeah. You have the cards.

Right back and say, I know I said how much I appreciate it, but I'm not sure that I actually told you what it means for me. Yeah. Why I appreciated it so much, what I'm after and what, what I, why this meant so much. And you have the, you have the entrance door right there. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm thinking about she also put this image on the front of the card and it was me. My friends had come to visit and someone got a picture of me jumping through the air. And the fact that she loved that picture and it's funny because it's kind of me feeling free and fun and happy. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And I think that that also, in a weird way, meant a lot too, that she values that. And I would jump even higher and feel even freer when I feel that you have my back. I don't know if I've ever told you how important that is for me.

See, if you focus on your sister, you triangulate, you think your mother cuts her slack, that she doesn't cut you, that you are in the responsible role. And all of that may be true, but it's not the priority in the moment. Yeah, that's really helpful because I think in the past, I've used my siblings as points of comparison and it does complicate it and

detracts and distracts from what we're actually trying to emphasize. That's right. Leave the geometry of the family aside for a moment and focus on what you need from her. Your mother got it. She responded to you. She sent you the perfect picture. You know, you are that child for her. You're the one who left. All the others are in small town. You're the one who's having the life that your mother didn't have.

You're the one going to school. You're the one making very tough choices. You're the one claiming your identity, etc., etc. You're far more of a bigger picture than you think you are. You don't know if to smile or to cry. Yeah, that happens to me quite a bit. I do laugh through hard times and cry, but...

That's definitely a way that I manage things sometimes. When you write me a card like this, I melt because... And then you tell her how important this is and how she is the mother that you need her to be. This was an Esther calling. A one-time intervention phone call recorded remotely from two points somewhere in the world. If you have a question you'd like to explore with Esther, it could be answered in a 40 or 50-minute phone call.

Send her a voice message and Esther might just call you. Send your question to producer at estherperel.com. Where Should We Begin with Esther Perel is produced by Magnificent Noise. We're part of the Vox Media Podcast Network in partnership with New York Magazine and The Cut. Our production staff includes Eric Newsom, Destry Sibley, Sabrina Farhi, Kristen Muller, and Julian Hatton.

Original music and additional production by Paul Schneider. And the executive producers of Where Should We Begin are Esther Perel and Jesse Baker. We'd also like to thank Courtney Hamilton, Mary Alice Miller, and Jack Saul.

If you've been enjoying this podcast, here's a look into what else is happening at New York Magazine. I'm Corey Sika. I'm an editor at New York Magazine. I'm talking with Madeline Leung-Coleman. She's written for us about how we treat animals at the end of their lives, about the most difficult decisions that none of us ever want to make. And the big question we have is, who is this medical care for? Is it for them or is it sometimes for us? Hi, Madeline. Hi, Corey.

I'm really scared to talk about this topic on air because I don't want to start crying. That is the big hazard here for both of us, that we will get very upset. As most people in America, we have had pets die and pets come and go, and it's tough. It's true. And not only had them die, but had to make the decision about when they died. You said that vets, a vet said to you, like nine times out of ten, people have waited too long.

Yeah, she says of the euthanasia cases that she sees, nine times out of ten, it's someone who's waited too long versus people who are bringing a pet in to be euthanized who she doesn't think would be.

The phrase you bring up is a phrase we've all heard, which is the phrase, you'll know when. But we clearly do not know when, and both of us have not known when in our lives. How should people who are struggling with this know when? There are actually some checklists that you can find online that basically help you evaluate your animal's quality of life. But ultimately, the only thing that actually prepares you to make the decision is having been through it before.

You were calling vets and pet owners and asking them about animal death and end of life and all this terrible stuff. What was the one thing you heard that surprised you? The person I talked to who used to work at a shelter found that when people would bring their dogs in to be euthanized, people who really loved their dogs but just couldn't afford to treat them or just need to put them down for whatever reason, they would all bring their dogs the same last meal.

A McDonald's cheeseburger. You are kidding me. What? Every single person, she said, basically would bring in a McDonald's cheeseburger for their dogs to eat. I'm kind of upset. They can have chicken bones finally. Which is what they all want to eat. That's all they want to eat is chicken bones. Let them have them. That's Madeline Leung Coleman and you can find her story on animals, ethics, and death in our print magazine in your own home, which you should subscribe to and receive there or at nymag.com backslash news.

That's nymag.com slash lineup.