A Baby in an Asbestos Bag with Trixie and Katya
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And we're back for another incredibly entertaining podcast episode of The Bald and the Beautiful with your favorite drag queen, pig vomit vulture creatures, Trixie Mattel. Catch ya! Woo! Live from a studio audience. Live from a studio audience. Nestled in the heart of your grandmother's pussy. Ooh, the sounds are back!

Back to our roots. We're recording in the studio today, our management's office. There's now a podcasting room here. Yes. And unfortunately, you do not have the pleasure of looking at our faces, although we're both looking great. And this is a podcast.

It's a podcast. You know, I do. I understand. I have been reading the comments because now I'm at an emotional place in my life where they don't affect me either way. They're either helpful or not helpful. They're either helpful or neutral. Yes. Honestly. And I encourage any entertainer or person who's in the public eye to get to that space. I don't know how you do it, but you get there eventually where it's either helpful or neutral.

You don't like see a thing. Oh, you suck or you were better. This it's like, okay, whatever. You just gloss over it and get to the, there's always going to be. Yes. Always, always, always, always. There's always something to say. Taylor Swift is 400 pounds, which is not, well, that's me writing that. But my doll was announced yesterday and like so much of it was positive. And then some people were like,

this is a lot of money. You really shouldn't stop pricing out some of your closest fans. Oh, but see, that's, it's like, to me, that's actually just information. I'm talking about, you should kill yourself because you're a talentless hag with, you know what I mean? That kind of stuff. Oh. That's vitriol. That's a lot. The vitriol. That doesn't even faze me. That just entertains me. Is this your vinyl? Yeah, take a look at it. Oh my God. I'm sitting here with the Katya Vampire Fitness Vinyl. Which incidentally, there are a

I think there's a hundred or so. There's a number. Are they, are they, there's only so many limited. Yes. Maybe I'm holding number 487. Yeah. There's only 200 available left on Amazon and that's it. And that's it. And that's all she wrote. Won't ever be printed again. And if there is a, that is an unopened one, unfortunately. But when you open it up, it's a blood red vinyl record and a secret poster and a

Very explicit, not safe for work or home or anywhere picture of me with that latex pussy with legs spread so wide. You know, as a sweater, you really put yourself in these puzzling torture suits with latex pussies. Puzzling is not even, puzzling is not. I think it's just, it's a tier of self-harm that it's institutionalizable. Hi, rubber pussies, what's up with that?

Hey. It's not just the rubber pussy. It's the whole thing. Because, of course, the money shot is the pussy and the bonus are the boobs, right? But it doesn't stop there. It starts at the chin. Well, don't you have one of those male ones, too? I sure do. And I use it as a weighted vest sometimes because it's about eight or nine pounds. And so if you do push-ups, bodyweight exercises with it on, not only do you look in the mirror and feel the progress –

Because, you know. But it actually makes you work harder because it's added weight. I wonder if you could wear it under a t-shirt at like the gay club and really feel like you are serving. With the right? Absolutely. Absolutely. Like a sheer mesh? A black mesh over it? You got to get maybe a 90s night because you need a choker. You need a choker because of the situation. Or a neck brace. I hurt myself at the gym. I fell off a rowing machine or something. Exactly. I fell off a treadmill and killed a woman. Exactly.

You should see the other guy. She's a woman and she's dead. What do you think about these videos of people at the gym, like misusing equipment so fiercely, like using the little cables to rocket through the air and stuff? If I had footage from the YMCA in Chinatown back in Boston, men, elderly men and women in full suits.

I'm talking like courtroom, like they're going to court. Whoa. Like a three-piece suit with, you know, dress shoes. Jumping up and down on the, like, it is so wild. It is so wild. So unsupervised, crazy, incredible, like, I mean, funniest home videos type of activities. And just wilding out.

And I'm like, do you know where you are or what you, what you're doing? And no. And it's just, I, there, it's good that there's the gym, I guess. There was a lady when I used to go to the West Hollywood 24 hour fitness where apparently everyone's getting hand jobs except me. Um, this lady used to go in jeans with a purse with a wig on. I love that. And she'd like sit, lift the weights twice and get up. Yeah. Well, you know what though? If you, nice cold. She just started pissing.

That first sit feeling. That deep, rich color. No, the lashes, fully lashed at the gym is a thing. This is LA, whatever. But if you notice the guys too, a lot of guys at these gay gyms or these gyms that are gay like Crunch, they do about three minutes of exercises and then the rest is either like they're on sniffies. What is sniffies? You don't know about sniffies?

What is sniffies? You don't know about sniffies. No. Did you make that up? I did not. What is it? I wish I did. Did you learn it from one of your sick little friends? Yes, I fucking did. You run with this circle of little perverts. Let me tell you about this. Let me tell you about this. The K. Let me tell you about this. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to just try to speak in diplomatic, compassionate language. Because the other night I was with this fucking, this band of brothers. Thank you.

They're all literally the booty crew. Okay, we went to Six Flags Gay Night. Me and Jason Wimberly. You went to Six Flags with Jason Wimberly? Yes. Work! I wanted you to go, but you were gigging, I think, or out of town or whatever. I was working. So anyways, out on the mountain, I don't know if I talked about this, but we did in the sub stack. So Jason Wimberly is in Full Ninja. Face mask, all black. Why? I don't know.

I don't know. Is it a face mask? Face mask? Well, because, you know, COVID, whatever. No, no, no. So... Snip snip? No, no, no. This is before he had... You know what? If Wimberly got a snip snip, he wouldn't hide it. He doesn't care. No, he just went to fucking Turkey and got the whole shebang. Yeah, he wouldn't care. He did it online. He was like sponsored. So yeah. But so he's full, like full ninja black. Can't see him. Fast, walking fast like me. We're just...

But we have the booty crew, Andrew, Porphy, Austin, and Michael Boston, and then another guy who's these impossibly attractive young pornography professionals with cans so big it's like a fucking Campbell's Soup factory. And I'm like, what is going on here?

What is going on here? I'm like, why am I Mr. Burns trailing after these like young, hot porno people with big booty? Like, it's just so it's just so incongruous. You know what I thought of last week? And I put on my Twitter because I really wanted to know, do hot people know that they are hotter than other people?

Yes, they fucking do. And do they look at people like you and I who are disgusting but aren't hot? And do they go like, I would fucking kill myself if I looked like that person? No, no, no. Are they like, yikes? No, they don't. But here's the thing, though. They look at us and they see, they covet, they covet what they don't have. Which is what? I'll tell you. Bad skin? No, shut up. No, no. Enormous social media followings, which I always forget is huge. Social capital. Yeah.

You have 2 million followers on social media. You know why we didn't realize that? Because we had socials at the time that socials were starting. Yes, we got in on the perfect – we got in on the escalator and it just keeps going up. But they're at the – some people – most people are at the – not even in the lobby and they're looking up at the top floor. But if you're not – It doesn't matter. But if you're not an actor or something –

Why do you care about having followers? Because it's just, it's digital self-esteem. It's a huge part of being a person these days. I'm so happy I don't have a personal Instagram or something. Me too. You know what? When I go to like, let's say I think a guy's hot or whatever and I want to go to their Instagram just to oogle. And I'll be like, God, this fucking Instagram has pictures of their landscape and their dog. But then I go,

If it was my personal Instagram, it's probably what I would post too. I don't know. Yeah. All I have to post about is drag. Right. And if I didn't have an account about that.

Although I love following certain drag queens or performers' Finstas, their secret Finstas. Yeah. That's pulpy. It's pulpy. I do too. I follow, I think, just a couple. There's a few and all they post is bad pictures of drag race queens. Bad pictures. The worst pictures of us. And then inside jokes sometimes. And then tea that you have to know. You have to be in the kitchen to know about. And if you know, you know that kind of tea. It's really great. And also reading. Reading promoters. Reading...

Not really, you know, never really punching down, but like, but always like, ooh. More like highlighting what's going on, like a newsletter. Yes, exactly. It's a very newsletter vibe. It's page six. Yes. It's page six. Because especially in the drag queen world, you can't read these girls better than they read, their own life reads them. Right. And also you can't, because we've all found eventually that at a certain level, it's just, you can't complain about the lifestyle openly because you just look like an idiot.

like an idiot. Exactly. And also, it doesn't make sense. What do you think drag queens talk about when they're at an airport? We complain about money. Money. Meet and greets. We complain about

committing to doing a drag show and then having to do it. Yeah. But it's, I know. And if we did that publicly, it would sound like we hate our fans, which is not the case. It's, it's these little logistical things that only people in the lifestyle have to know about and that are unrelatable to everybody else. Yeah. Because at the end of the day, it's like, you know, this, doing this back-to-back gig in Boston, LA, I was like so awful. But then I'm like, oh, for the four minutes I was on stage,

I was ecstatic. You know what I mean? Ecstatic. Ecstasy. But anyways, so I'm like, I have these groups of friends that never, they don't all get together. But then suddenly I found out I'm,

I'm the only person in a group of, at a house with maybe 15 people. Everybody does porn. Everybody's impossibly attractive. And then I'm literally like- A scab. Like I'm Tom Hanks of Philadelphia in the corner. Dog shit. They're like, oh, did someone's dog- You don't taste that. Shit in the, oh, that's Brian. Is someone going to drive their grandpa home? Yeah.

Yeah. But wait, wait, to answer your question again. No, they don't see. Do they notice that they're way hotter than us? They notice, right? Yes, of course they do. But here's the thing. You know what they, they'll look at me and you and be like, no, they're not going to be like, oh, they're ugly. They're going to see, oh, they have more money than me. They have more followers than me. They have clout. They have privilege. They have access.

They see what they don't have. But being hot is the universal currency. But guess what? Not everyone likes drag, but everyone notices hotness. But guess what, though? What? Hot is fleeting. Yeah, but not tomorrow. But the day after. But hot also ages hot. No. False. False. Pierce Brosnan looks great. That's not going to change. Well, that's one person.

Give me another. Denise Richards. Well, that's two. I could go on. How about The Sixth Sense? You know, like think about like Ben Affleck. Haley Joel Osment. Ben Affleck. Haley Joel Osment is different. Nobody as a kid was like, God, you're gorgeous. I got a huge boner watching The Sixth Sense. Some chimos would disagree. Some chimos. Chimos. Speaking of chimos. Let's take a break. Yeah, let's take a break. Let's take a break.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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And we're back. I was on Amazon. My friend showed me this. This is this product called Sweet Gourmet Assorted Sugar-Free Gummy Bears. Are you doing an ad in front of me? No, no, no, no.

I was doing under the table deals and I was trying to work it into the conversation. That would be, what did you do this weekend? Well, I had a great experience shopping for a car at CarMax because they made it so easy and they brought the car right to me. Could you imagine? Yes, I can very clearly. And you know what? Not to toot my own horn. I'm good at selling. I think I could do it without you noticing.

What if this whole hospitalization thing was like, well, you know, the Tylenols really helped. Little yellow different. That's new print. New print, sure. Old print. Any of it. Who would print her? You know what else I want to do? Can we do this for the pod? I want to get one of those. I want to get one of those silicone preemies.

That comes in a... That comes... That comes... No, yeah. I want to get a silicone preemie that comes in an asbestos bag. What is it? What does the baby come in? Placenta. An asbestos bag. Wow. Trace these knowledges that female anatomy has not improved. In fact, it has degraded significantly. I want to open one of the silicone babies here.

Okay, but it doesn't come in a placenta. Yeah, they come in a placenta and then you have to clip it with scissors and it has umbilical cord and you like birth it. And it just stays like a fetus? Well, then you carry it around to the grocery store and you say like, oh, this is my baby and people give you attention and people think it's real. Oh, wow. Is it preemie? You can get preemie. And does it come with tubes?

No tubes. You got to give your own. You got to spend your own. That's how they get you. You got to go to Home Depot. The tubes are add-on. Jeff Bezos. That's how he takes his cut. So this product, if you go to the reviews of the products, people had mixed experiences. Let's see. Let's see. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's this product again? The product is called Sweet Gourmet Assorted Sugar-Free Gummy Bears. And apparently this product has a surprise laxative effect. Okay. Now this review says...

I give them a 5 for flavor because they're seriously yummy. However, I'm writing this while glued to the toilet because the tales are true. I ate roughly 20 to 30 of the fruity little laxative bears. They're so delicious. Chewy, fruity, just happiness in my mouth. Fast forward a few hours and here I sit on my porcelain throne wondering why I didn't read the reviews. It started off with a little gas. Bathroom visits that seemed purely normal. But then...

The flood of misery that could only be created by Satan himself. You can't trust a fart and don't trust that you can pucker long enough to make it to the toilet. You're better off just staying put. Oh my God. If you're a risk taker, put on your running shoes because you'll run tracks in your floor going to and from the bathroom.

Every time you think you're done, you'll get that false sense of, yay, it's over. You get up, freshen up, and sojourn into the world beyond. And then the rumbling returns. And you make it back to the toilet just in time for your rear to explode like fireworks on New Year's Eve. Over and over. Oh my god. Why did they reboot Halloween? They should have just made that movie. This person said, and then time passes. And then they came and edited the review and said, fast forward six hours later from this review, my rear has become a fire hose of regret.

Pretty sure I've seen last year's Thanksgiving dinner and my first birthday cake. Oh my God. Rectal damage. If I can describe this experience to all of you who are considering purchasing these demonic bears, let me go ahead and try. I'm reminded of Harry Dunn when he's betrayed by Lloyd in Christmas. I'm reminded of Dumb and Dumber when he's justly punished with X-Lax and hot chocolate. Oh, well. Is this horrible? Damn. Just trapdoor diarrhea.

trapdoor diary. You know, I gotta say, I gotta say, it has been a while. I know you've had about, I know we don't like to talk about poop and pee-pee. Uh-huh. But for someone with such an inconsistent and suspicious diet, let's say, I've really just, oh, that's the rumbling of gummies. Oh, that's my toilet. Yeah, nothing. I'm just easy, easy breezy. Meanwhile, I shit the bed three days ago.

I mean, diarrhea sucks. Well, diarrhea, I don't want to get gross, gross, gross, but intestinal distress in drag. Mary, because there's no- I am wearing extra capizios just to trap me shut. I know.

I know. I didn't pee all day. Because, you know, when you have nails on and then you get to take off the pads, when you're on television and you rip the only pair of fishnets you have with the nails, what are you going to do? Die. Yeah, so... Get read by the fans. Hello. The tights were ripped, gal. I saw the fishnets and they were ripped. Yeah. So I just... All the urine just stayed. By the end of the night, I got home. I think my pee was the color of blood orange soup.

Egg drop. Yeah, it was literally like the consistency of a pumpkin puree. It was the color of orange chicken. Yes, General Gao. Thai iced tea. Thai iced tea. It was Thai iced tea. General Tso. Yeah, Thai iced tea. A thimble full of Thai iced tea in the toilet. That's tough. It was really tough. I've never had a UTI, which is shocking. I've never had one either. They're a lot more common for women. Yes, yeah, totally. I think for men, you really have to not pee for a long time or something. I don't know. Oh, this is kind of gross. I had...

I had a thing. This is actually really gross. Tell us. Okay. I had a thing on my dick. Now, I've had things on my dick before. You know, I've publicly talked about it. And it was on the dick. It was only visible when it was erect. It was a little piece of dirt or something. Shaken back? Detritus, let's say. King Triton. Starfish tuna.

Starsky and Hutch. Sidney Sweeney. Sidney Prescott. Janie Lee Kermis. Janie Lee Kermis and the gurney. So what happened to the detritus? So I thought, this will give you a good overall picture of how I approach my body and self-care in general.

I noticed it, say, months ago. I was like, oh, that's weird. I thought it was like, I was like, could that be? Like, what could that be? And it looked like something kind of lodged in there, and I tried to pick it out. This is gross. It was in the pee hole? No, it was underneath the glands. So, like, you say they have the shaft. Underneath the pee hole. No, no. So, yeah, the shaft, the glands, the pee hole. What do you think the glands is? Isn't the glands the head? No, the glands is the pee hole. Is it? Yeah.

I don't need to be right, but I think I'm right. No, I wish you, I hope you're right. I just want to be accurate. The penis glands. Is the glands the head the whole time? The glands penis, I think. Let's look it up. Let's look it up. Oh my God, I think you're right. I'm so sorry. No, it's fine. I just, um. I really thought that the glands was the pee hole. Well, it's also the rounded part forming the end of the penis. The glands is the head. Yeah, the head. It's the sensitive part. Yeah, it's the sensitive part. So anyways, it's on the shaft, long story short. And since I'm circumcised.

The skin becomes stretched once it's erect, right? Yes. And there is, it looked like there had been kind of like, I don't know, it was like a splinter is what I'm trying to say. Like a splinter. Like something stuck in it? Yes. Very tiny. And I'm like, it almost looked like a blackhead. This is so gross. So gross. It looked like a blackhead in a way. I was like, but that's not possible because it wasn't a zit, right? Right.

And I think it's probably possible to get a zit on your dick. I've never had one, but I've had them around there, like an ingrown, just horrible. Like around the pubic area and the mons. I remember on the show. Oh, fucking dick. On season two you had one. Yes. And then I thought it was herpes. It turns out it wasn't. I mean, I've had all kinds of crazy shit. I had skin tag on my asshole. And then, so I was like,

And then, but so when I would like, I would jerk off, I would kind of look at it. I have to get like a, I got my magnifying glass to really zone in on it. My penis is neat. Right. Microscope. And I was, I, one time I, I, I toyed with the notion of getting a pin and I was like, I'm not poking that. That is just crazy. But it didn't hurt nothing.

And then I noticed it a couple weeks later when I jerked off again. Didn't jerk off for a while. It was there again. It's still there. Cut to a month later. It's still there. And I was like, and then it seemed to have formed a little bit of a thing around it. Like when you get a foreign piece of thing, like a splinter will kind of

get a thing around it. A small bit of dirt or detritus in your body. Not like a, you know. It was getting like a circle, like a redness? Yeah. Not a redness. It wasn't sensitive, but like a circle of kind of like hardened. Circle of death? Tissue around it. Yeah. And then. Paces of death. And then, this is going to sound crazy, but so I was jerking off for a little bit longer than I used to, like 10 minutes. I got a really good look at it. It started talking. Okay.

Now I feel like you're working in an ad for CryptoMath. It's funny you say that because it said, come closer, put on your headphones, become a DJ. CryptoMath. No. What happened? I used a different lubricant to jerk off one day. It was hand cream. It came right out. It was actually something stuck in there. It was actually a piece of like, so it never hurt.

When my penis was very erect and I touched it, I was like, something's in there and I don't know what to do because I'm not going to touch it. And also, it didn't hurt, so I didn't go to a doctor. Right. And then one, I was, it was in, where were we? It was in Boston. It must have been in Boston. I used hand cream at the hotel to jerk off. Gone. It's a success story. It was. Be your own dermatologist. Be your own urologist. Wow.

And I couldn't, and I was like, I had this feeling. I was like, what were you? When it was gone, I was like, didn't we almost have it all? We had all that time together and I never even knew you. You know what it makes me think of? Matilda, you're my only daughter. I never appreciated you one bit. Who's got a pen? It's like Sandy Bullock and that, you know, she had those kids and she didn't even name them.

Boy and girl. Sandy Bullock. That's right. Bird Box. Was that during COVID? It sure fucking was. No, it wasn't. It was before. No. Because people were doing Halloween numbers. No, no, no. It was lockdown, mama. That was the beginning of lockdown because that was the first COVID blockbuster. Yeah. It was the first streaming. I'm not sure. Let's look it up. Because queens were doing Halloween numbers at Bird Box. In their living rooms? No, in real life. I think it was 2020. 2020.

No, it was 2019. Who the fuck cares? Who cares? Yeah. That movie had a hold on people. It did. And it was a huge, huge hit. It was cool. It's cool. I was entertained. But on a second watch, you're like, this is fucking insane. It doesn't make any sense. There's no continuity within the framework of the plot. Literally, do you know what I mean? The logic of it is...

Not airtight, let's say that. I don't really remember how it ends. I remember the general idea. She has the daughter and the son. She calls them boy and girl. Yeah. That's insane. That's completely... Well, it's part of the story. She's afraid of getting attached. No, that is a sociopathic psycho. Someone like that would just drop the kids off in a well.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You're so attached to these kids, boy and girl. That is lunacy. But what if, isn't it worse if she named them and then she named them like really uppity LA names? Like this is Riker. Riker and Tildebeth. And Pramissiman. Yeah. But Johnny and Susie. Johnny and Susie. Who fucking, that's not even the. Elisabeth. Elisabeth and Wiggle, Wigglemore. Anyways, Bird Box. Let's take a break. Okay.

And we're back. Didn't we all want to have it all? Aren't you kids fun that we decided to take the pod for a couple more months? Yeah. Aren't you lucky? Yeah. I feel, you know what, I feel very, I'm surprised. I'm surprised that- In what way? Well, I didn't know we made any money.

To be honest, this isn't relatable. I don't know what our paychecks are from this. I don't know what they are either. This is not... For me, we are very... You especially, but me as well, we're very, very fortunate to have many ventures in which we can make a lot of money and doing things that are very enjoyable and fun and cool. There's no shortage of those. But I don't think of this... I don't come here, like, think dollar signs or whatever. It's just mostly about enjoyment and fun and laughter. Yeah, it is. And...

I'll say this though. Podcasting is hard. That's what I mean. So like, this is like a fun activity. I know people do this professionally and do it very, very well. They have budgets and producers and lots of research and all that crap. Joe Rogan. I think I've never, I haven't listened to one episode. Me neither, but I know that, I know that he's like number one. Yes. You know what? I did Mark Maron, who's way, way up there. For years, I listened to him. I loved his podcast because he has incredible guests. Who do you listen to? I don't think on this podcast we've ever talked about what we listen to. I don't listen to any podcast.

Not anymore. Well, I've gone before. I was a faithful What's the Tea listener. Oh, yes. What's the Tea? What's the Tea gave me like...

nothing was more fun to listen to and make fun of. Like you love it. Cause you love to make fun of it because you love it. Yeah. Michelle and Rue just, they're, they're just, they have these idiosyncrasies. Like it would play her. Yeah. Inflammation. Yeah. Yeah. It's all about inflammation. Yeah. There's the constant, there's something always something funny. Michelle. And the guests were fierce. Sometimes. Yeah. Some, the guests were always. Gaga, B-52s. Oh no, no. Yes. But once they got, but, but you know, the podcast, like everything goes through waves and, and, and sort of like,

phases and stuff and um you could tell that when they were like doing it on their lunch break they just got shorter you know like it was criminal the one with Gaga was like 10 minutes long or something you know they just don't have them for a long time I know but they have some gold ones um

But Marc Maron, I used to listen to him a lot, especially when it was a guest I liked because they really got into it. And then I love a woman's smile. I listened to that was Patty Harrison. And then Macy Robbins, the fucking. She just did a Caitlin book signing. Are you kidding me? I'm dead serious. Are you kidding me? She was advertising at a Caitlin book signing. Nympho Wars. Nympho Wars. Yes. Nympho Wars. That one gets wild.

I love her. I wish we could have Macy Rodman again. Don't you guys think at home, wasn't that one of the best episodes? It was so fun. Full size or mini. How many helicopters you got? Full size or mini. I mean, I love that. It's like you don't have any political experience. You just watch the news. Well, that's what you'd think. So good. I listen to Attitudes with Brian and Aaron. You and I were on Throwing Shade. It's Attitudes now. Yeah, okay. I love Ebony and Irony with Monet and Bunny, which by the way, not to throw gas on the fire. Wait, wait.

They just had a long episode about We're Here. Oh, really? And Bunny had some very controversial opinions about We're Here. Oh, I'm going to go listen to it. I'm going to go listen to it on the way home. Okay, cool. Who else have I listened to? I also listened to Sarah Silverman Podcast. Oh, yes. I've listened to that one. I like that one. I love her. She just sits alone and talks. It's just amazing. Yep.

Who else have I listened to? Who else have I listened to at the gig? Oh, I love Las Culturistas every once in a while. I don't catch everyone, but they crack my shit up. Yeah, I want to be on their podcast. You should message them. Oh, I like, actually, I love being on podcasts. I do too. Except ours. I love being a guest. I love being on Lady to Lady. I love being on, what was the one? Oh, I loved LGBTQ, what's his name? Oh.

God, what the fuck is his name? What the hell is his name? He's great. I love Nicole's Why Won't You Date Me. Oh, yeah. I think we were on that. Yes. We were on Best Friends. With Sashir. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I love Whitney Cummings' Good For You. I've listened to that a bunch of times. She's so fucking funny. Yeah. That's what I do when I record at home in my little microphone. I go, Yeah, I love that part. Yeah, she's great. She is so fucking funny. Um...

Who else is going to go? I mean, there's so many. There is. Which, by the way, thank you for listening to ours of all the options you have. I mean, if I'm going to listen to a podcast, it's going to be... Nowadays, having done a casual one, I really want...

either like the best information, educational, or like super, super high production. So I listened to the Huberman podcast, this Stanford medicine, this professor at the Stanford School of Medicine. This motherfucker is so hot, by the way. It's on video too. He's so hot. I love hot people. Bitch, you, I'll show you a picture.

I'll show you a clip and you would let him shit in your mouth. Do you fuck with Dr. Mike? Who's Dr. Mike? Oh my God. Oh my God. It's really hot. It's really hot. Yeah, big bra. Dr. Mike. I love Dr. Mike. He's on YouTube. For better or worse, I get

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dr. Mike. Okay, hold on, hold on. He's so interesting and he always talks, you know, he'll like break down a medical episode of Grey's Anatomy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love shit like that. Hold on, wait, wait. I love like a lawyer, lawyer watches Legally Blonde. Oh, totally. Love shit like that. Yeah, let me show you, let me show you one. We should do that one time. We should watch a, we should do a YouTube video watching a drag thing and being like, that would never happen. Hold on. This is him. Do you see him?

What's his name? Andrew Huberman. Oh, yes. He's hot. He's built like a brick shithouse and he is a fucking professor of my ass. Yeah. He'd break my ass open and tell me all. He's so hard. He's so smart. And the way that he could take all the feces in the world and take it in one big toilet and have a toot from that toilet into my mouth. Did you see when I tagged you on Instagram? No.

On Wife Swap? Oh, I think so. I don't remember. There was a woman. She was like a hunter and she switched with a, her's a hunting family and they switched. Oh, they all hunt. Yeah. And they switched with a hippie vegan family. Okay.

And the mom, they have to walk in each other's shoes the first week. And so the hunter mom goes, every morning it says here that she wakes up and as the sun rises, she stares at it for energy. And so the sun came up and she goes, all right, soup's on and walks into a field and they film her smiling, staring into the sun. That's him. That's where I got it from. That's Andrew Huberman. That's who told me to do it.

I understand that it will wake you up. It's all about circadian rhythms and melatonin. But this woman believed that if everyone in the world stared at the sun, it could cure world hunger. You're not going to be hungry, but you're going to be blind. Soup's on. For appetizers, we have sunlight. Yeah. I think she was like, it gristles up or something. And then went and stared in the sun. They filmed her staring in the sun. She was smiling. She was fucking smiling. It was so crazy. I love that shit. I have a clip of it. I love that shit, man. Bitch, I couldn't believe it. Oh, look.

Did you believe her just staring into the sun? She's doing it right at dawn. Right at dawn. She's got the right idea.

Please, Dawn. Please, Dawn. It's Christmas. It's sunrise. Where's your sunrise spirit, Dawn? Where's your sunrise spirit, Dawn? Wait, hold on. I have to say, although this is not, it's a photograph, but Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw, as Strega Nona, is my new life's purpose. She is the woman of,

I, she's the friend I never had. You know, it's kind of a cross between our styles. It's incredible for people at home. Let me just describe this look really. She's on a cellular phone with sunglasses on outside of Brown, Brownstone in New York city, probably in Manhattan wearing a, uh, a pink gingham smock dress, um,

A blue cardigan. It's a little bit like Babushka by Chanel. It's Strega Nona. I mean, she's literally Strega Nona. She's got a Babushka scarf around her head. Purple dish gloves on with chunky white unbuckled shoes smoking a cigarette on a phone. This is me and you. It really is us together. This is me and you. I actually love the shoe. I love this whole thing. Yeah. It's perfection. Do you think as your character ages, do you think you'll go aging Russian hooker? Or do you think you'll do Babushka ever?

I don't, I think like I have, well, I have a lot of, I have a lot of great role models in terms of like the Russian pop stars who are now in their sixties. So it's, it's easy. Yeah. Cause it'll just go from milf to gilf. Who's that politician with the square hair, the female? Oh, this, that Senator. Yeah. She has a Velcro loaf. Yeah. You should get a blonde of that. That's fun. Yeah.

That's crazy. I want that for you. You do. I'll show you. More white people should do flat tops. I mean, they do some crazy... A lot of some Russian pop stars, there's a whole different cultural thing. Look at this Russian. That account is just... It's so good. Recommendation of the day. Look at this Russian. If you don't follow, look at this Russian on Instagram. On Instagram, yeah. Holy shit. It's consistently fantastic and it's so twisted and so very Russian. Oh, you know what? For people at home who are looking for something to do, speaking of crazy Russians... If they're listening to this...

They have time on their hands. You got to get into the, I forget what the term is, but the skywalkers, the crazy Russians who scale. No. The pedos? The Russians who scale the tall buildings illegally. They free climb. You've never seen that? What? Mary Dugan, when I- Like skyscrapers? I'm talking under construction.

Oh, that just gave me like a chill. And they videotaped the whole thing. And they're just like average. They look like Bob and Susie, 16, 17 years old. And they're going up and up and up. And to like above the clouds. Above the clouds in Shanghai, tallest building in the world. They're literally as far as is humanly possible filming it the whole time. And then, and then...

From scaffolding, some of these are in dilapidated old buildings in Russia that have, they're unfinished or they're just abandoned. Beams, unsupported beams, they're walking out, walking the plank on a ship. It is so fucking, I get, I have to turn it off because I get so fucking- Why do they do this? It's just thrill-seeking. These Russians are fucking insane. Insanity. Insanity.

And like, you know, some of them died. A few of them obviously they fall and die, but many of them don't. And they're so the way that they're they're laughing and casual and just like hanging from one arm. It is so is so stomach churning. And you'd like it is so wild to watch. And they're all on YouTube. They're fucking crazy. They're fucking crazy.

It was a while ago, probably 10 years ago. Like this one kid, I think he was 17. He was like famous and, you know, because they do it for views. You know, they do it for like cloud stuff. I was just going to say, I'm assuming that's the reason they do it. Oh yeah, of course. It's all filmed. But like there's a group of them. It's like, hey, what are you going to do? Remember climbing the water tower in town? No. They climb the Empire fucking State Building. Jesus. And go above, like, oh man.

It's so nerve-wracking to watch. It's so sick. For the Grams. And then they do a TikTok dance when they get to the top. Yeah. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Literally. I mean, it's like, but they don't... It's so hard to watch. It's a horror movie. Well...

Before we go, I would like to encourage everybody listening. There is like a two-week window to pre-order the Trixie doll. Oh, you got to get in that window. You got to get it now. It's $145. You pay for 35 and then you will – like $35 down payment and then you pay the rest later. Definitely get it. And I also want to invite people –

Follow the at Trixie Motel Instagram account because when that show kicks off, bitch, you will not believe the fucking renovation we're doing. And you won't believe that I'm doing it. And you won't be able to get a reservation, honey. For years. Years. And that Trixie doll, I have to say, the makeup was done very, very well. Yeah. Right? It's really cool. There's a lot of shitty dolls out there, let me tell you. This ain't one of them. I mean, come on. It's...

Look at that. It's beautiful. It's very, very beautiful. Yeah. And just, I mean, I'm sure there will be some available, but it's a small company. So if you don't pre-order, they might just like, I mean, the site crashed the first time it went on sale yesterday. Yeah, people don't know about it. People don't know about it. So if you don't pre-order now and later you can't get one, I don't feel bad for you. I don't feel bad for you. Yeah. I mean, listen, we're not selling pacemakers here. No. You know. And it's a small company. That's why they have to do a pre-order because they're not...

Yeah. Get your order in because those cookies, you know. Yeah. You have anything you want to plug? We never plug. I have no more outlets.

That's not true. There's a few hundred of these on Amazon. Oh, yes. There's a few hundred of my vinyl. Actually, it's cool. I don't have a record player, but I have this on display in my studio because the artwork is amazing by my friend Alvaro and Andrew helping with it. So it's a beautiful and lovely collector's item edition that's numbered, one of a kind or whatever. Only a few hundred. Yeah, I think there's like, I don't know, 500 or something. Yeah.

So that's a couple left, a couple hundred left. And then you should go get vaccinated. If you're not vaccinated. I want that booster up my ass as soon as I can get it. Just go get vaccinated. Go get vaccinated. What are people doing? There was a fucking, I don't want to go into it, but maybe next time we'll yell about it. But I mean, it's just a lot. Go get vaccinated. It's free. You can do it anywhere. It's the only time in your life the government will give you something for free. Thank you.

And go online and have some fun. Go eat some sugar-free gummy bears. See you on the toilet. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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