A Beginner's Guide to Comic Books, Butt Stuff, & Homemade Limeade with Trixie and Katya
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Well, this is what it takes. If you guys don't know, we have... Wait, it's probably good that that camera is covering my head so I can't see. I can't see at all. Look, look, look. It's literally like...

Okay, people, this is a podcast. I guess I should tell people what's happening. It's the palliative care princess's last hurrah. Do you know what it makes me think of? It makes me think of the movie Bicentennial Man with Robin Williams. And he dies at the end. And then his wife dies.

Wants to be her machine turned off and she turns to the robot that's turned humanoid and she goes I'm ready for the machines to be turned off Galatea and Galatea goes one is glad to be of service Turns her machine off and she's dead. Yeah, I think if the elephant man at the end when he goes to bed knowing that he will die and then there's a giant lady's face on the screen that says I've never seen it says it says is that like the window thing will ever die and

Nothing will ever die. That's kind of depressing. Yeah, it is really. Part of what makes life enjoyable is that, you know, it's one piece of cake. Yeah. It's not a whole cake. No, yeah. This is how much you have. You don't own the bakery. Oh, yeah. You know? That's a good, that's a good, good.

Oh my God. What? It's like in the TV show Watchmen, which obviously had a huge impact on my life. Right. Where Dr. Manhattan goes, well, our relationship ends in tragedy. And she's like, well, why does it end in tragedy? And he goes, don't they all? Don't they all? Somebody dies. Yeah. Should we? Yeah, I guess we're rolling. This is it. Why don't you tell them? I mean, this is a podcast. Should we tell them what they're not seeing?

Look at this. Wait, they're not seeing this? Well, most people are listening to it in their commute, on the train. Oh, sure, sure. But some, a select few. Someone check in the tube pipes. Someone will be watching this though so they can see how horrible it looks. Just in bed drinking a Red Bull like Kathy Hilton. Yeah. Um.

Yeah. Have you seen that clip? It's amazing. Kathy Hilton. It's like 2 a.m. And Kyle Richards is asleep in bed. And Kathy Hilton is up reading a magazine drinking a Red Bull. And she goes, Kathy, what are you doing? She's like, I'm having a soft drink. That's a Red Bull, Kathy. She's like, what's a Red Bull? Oh, my God. It's fierce. Well, we're here in Buffalo.

We're here in Buffalo. We can say where we're at because we're going to be gone by the time this comes out. The fabulous Curtis Hotel. Gorgeous, actually. Super gorgeous Curtis Hotel. The toilet's here? Mama, heated seats. Heated seats, honey. Toilets by Prius. Toilets by, no, not Prius. Volkswagen. Toilets by Tesla. It's Hyundai Volkswagen. Toilet.

Yeah. Warm seat. Warm seat. And you know, I'm so trashy. When I sat down on the heated seat, I went, someone was just in here. I just said the same thing. I was like, who has been shitting on my shitter? Someone's shitting on my shitter. It's a little warm in here. Well, Brandy, can you turn the air up a little bit for Miss Big over here? So...

Oh, that's how the air operates? Oh, wow. Do these hands reach in? This is a space hotel. Brandon's in here. The claw. The claw from off screen. This place, it has one of those space toilets. It has a front and back bidet. Yeah. So I got my hole cleaned out and my gun all scraped out. Power washed. Took the veneer off. Took the aluminum siding right off. Wait, you got your front hole and back hole cleaned out? Yeah.

And then it has a butt dryer. Yes, the dryer. I haven't tried it yet, but I looked at it. Let me tell you something else. I'm going to give the feet people something because I'm hot. Okay. Selling feet pics. We got to talk about selling feet pics, but the hot tub. Have you used the spa? The hot tub? The bath? No, not yet. The bath tub not only has bubbles and lights. Jets. When it empties, the jets blow for a while and dry the tub. Jesus Christ. Yeah. You know, I'll tell you this though. Once you buy a motel and everyone knows about it, whenever I go to motels now,

They roll out the red carpet. I'm not joking. They always, there's a basket. This is the first motel I've been in where there wasn't a basket that says like, we love your motel show. Hope you enjoy our suite. People are so much nicer to you because suddenly I'm like Gordon Ramsey. Right, right, right. Because I opened one motel. Right. Suddenly I'm Tabitha. Maybe I should open up something. My name's Tabitha. I'm taking over.

I should open up a coffee shop so that everywhere I go there's an ivy drip full of piping hot coffee going into all my orifices. It was closed. How long was the line?

It was like eight or nine. Now what is long to you? Okay, eight or nine people. Not on your life. Would I wait for that? Not on your life. And if I... I wouldn't wait in line for oxygen if I was drowning. No. And I know from experience this morning, it took forever. And I'm not a person who likes to wait for anything. If I have to wait more than three minutes, I'll just leave in a huff. And I'll bitch about it for the rest of the day rather than solve the problem. Like a patient normal person. You complaining? Speaking of which... You doing a recap Radio City? Yeah.

Let's talk about it. I have a bone to pick with the entire human race. I know. I know. I know this. You're here. We're doing the HVAC pod once again. We're back on our HVAC bullshit. But the thing is, we had the incredible honor. First, let's say.

We got to sell out Radio City Music Hall, which is one of the largest indoor venues in the world, I believe. Yeah. And not only that, I mean, so it was, we've been doing this show that when it was written, decided. So one of the numbers was inspired by me obsessing over Liza Minnelli performing New York, New York at Radio City Music Hall. You go to YouTube, you can Google it.

Um, what I should have known or should have paid attention to was the fact that she was sweating through her fucking, she was, she was sweating like she just jumped out of a pool. Now, if we know a couple of things about Liza, we know a couple of things. Number one,

She's not exactly the most sober gal in the world. Yeah. She's from the Bob Fosse generation, you know, a couple of goofballs. A couple of goofballs. You know, when she gets tired, they just take a slingshot and they shoot an Adderall down her throat. We're not joking about addiction, obviously. No, no, no, no, no. And this is not, I mean, anybody knows anything about the 60s and 70s? The doll, Valley of the Dolls. You ever seen Valley of the Dolls? People didn't know as much about drugs. She needs another doll. Did you watch the documentary on Adderall?

I'll take your pills. No, I haven't. Adderall was originally marketed to children. The interior conversations were, what about speed for children? And they were advertised it as my mom, my, my, my daughter, Denise is gets perfect grades on this pill. Yeah. She's so well behaved and she's so focused. Basically it's like make your kid the perfect kid. Yeah. But don't you think that would also make kids screaming and crazy?

Well, I don't know. You'd have to ask the, what the 300 million kids on Adderall today. That's something else I learned in that documentary. It's like the number 19th most prescribed drug in the United States or something. They were saying college kids, Ivy league schools, everyone's on it. Everyone's on it. And they were saying pills are only like $2 each. I'm like, yeah,

Yeah, that's crazy. Well, that's how I got addicted to it at college. Yeah. Adderall. Adderall. Specifically. Did you take the pills at first? Yeah, because I saw an episode of Desperate Housewives and Felicity Huffman was taking her daughter's Adderall to get things done around the house. I said, oh, let me try that. Well, thanks, Felicity. Look what you've created. Desperate Housewives. Yeah. I found out. Wasn't Vanessa on that? Vanessa Williams?

Yeah. You know what? For somebody who abuses your feet, those actually look great. Don't you think? Thank you. Do you do the cheese grating on the bottom? I surely do. Oh, wow. I have a travel grater with me. Really? Oh, yeah. They look amazing. Thanks. Let's see what I'm serving. Yeah. I'm just going to be brave. It's actually not bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at the slant, though. Look at the side. That is so crazy. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's crazy. It's crazy.

I know. It's the pointy foot. It's embarrassing. It's so crazy. It's not okay. It's so wild. There's a lot wrong. Look, I have petite little Cinderella. What if I had no... Cinderella. What if my toes had no neck and they were like that? Like this. It's this. It's this.

- Okay, so Radio City. - Huge, huge, we were saying that it was like a huge achievement, amazing, unparalleled, career defining moment, right? And not to mention all of the amazing people of, New York has some incredible fans, G. Lloyd Cooper.

G. Laurie Cooper. It could be G. Laurie Cooper. It could be Laurie G. Cooper. We don't know. We don't know, but it's Laurie Cooper. And she was there. Laurie Cooper was there. Gino Birch was there. Gino Birch. Jodi Harsh was there. So many people were there. Vanessa Williams came. Are you serious? Yes. Seriously? Dead serious. She was in town. And now the Queen of the Universe. She was like, I'll come to your show. Incredible. And then this funny guy that I follow on Twitter that you know who is, I think his name is Paul, Orange Pulp.

I couldn't believe. I DM'd him and said, I'm so happy we performed on a Monday so that the Twitter gays would come. Yes. Orange pulp. He's, he has maybe the, him and Rose maybe have the two funniest Twitters. So funny. So funny. Katie Delaney's up there too. There's a few people where every time they tweet, I'm like, yeah. Yeah. So, but anyways, so that was a great thing. However, we go into two days of rehearsal because we have some significant changes in the script we have to work on. Uh-huh. Which we didn't get till two days before.

- We didn't get to two days before. - We said, "Hey, quick, just so you know, Kelly, there's extra monologues. See you tomorrow." - She did fabulous, by the way. - Amazing. Side note, I feel so comforted going on stage because it's Kelly's show and we're just there. - We're just window dressing and she's the main event. But we go to White Plains, New York to this performing arts center on a college for two days. - SUNY Purchase. - Is that what it was? - SUNY Purchase. - Southern State University of New York Purchase. - And it was freezing.

Absolutely freezing. It was so cold. The dancers were complaining. That's why I know it's really getting juicy when the dancers are complaining. When their teeth are chattering. Yeah, yeah. When there's like ACLs are about to get snapped. That's when I know it's probably going to be room temperature for me. And then we go into Radio City and it was freezing. And then a funny thing happens during the show. It gets so hot.

I don't know what to do with myself. It was hot in your dressing room too. Oh yeah. I had to change. I had to, um, I had it. We had to switch dressing rooms halfway through the evening because it was, um, I started to have a meltdown. I started to have a meltdown in the, in the dressing room. I had a meltdown too that day. Did you really? I woke up just not feeling it. I won't get into it, but I've had some chronic pain issues. Oh yeah. And, and,

I woke up and I also had a headache and I said, not today. And then I started to have a...

How does that materialize for you? Well, it hasn't ever happened until maybe a couple months ago. Circular, strange, pain, mental, like, oh God, I'm going to die. Anyway, so I tell David, I said, you need to go on this tour bus with me and you need to take a nap with me. You need to wake up a different person. And that's exactly what I did. Oh, that's great. Well, I'm feeling great. That's a good idea. If you have a bad day, get back in bed and do it again. You know, start over.

That's a really good idea. Seriously. I should try that. Start fresh. Because you, once the show was backstage, and the look on your face. I couldn't believe it. I was like, do I go say, break a leg, or will I get punched in the mouth? That was the look on your face. When I came off the stage, so going on the stage, I was like, first of all, the meet and greet. Oh, okay. So we go down to do the meet and greet.

And I'm noticing the temperature. It is really hot. And I say, and all, I see all, all of our managers and agents around milling around basking in the achievement of this glorious moment as they should, as they should.

Once the pig is strapped up and air conditioned. Do you know what I mean? Like it's when, when, when babe, the pig is, you know what I mean? Like you can't know you're right. Once the pig is hoisted and then is comfortable, then you can start like receiving the applause. But not a moment sooner, not a moment sooner. And so I was like,

I need a fan. I need a fan. And then someone comes and brings this, you know, those little, those little handheld fans that like the, the battery powered fans that people have at their office desks. Sometimes it's like a joke. That's what they, they, they taped to the floor 18 feet away from me, 18 feet away, pointed at your feet. Yeah. And I was like, and then one of the, the pretty, one of the producers started to laugh and I said, this is not funny.

Comedy is tragedy plus time. So we're not laughing about the tragedy as it is unfurling. Do you know what I mean? I was there. And I picked a meet and greet for this tour that I thought, ooh, this is easy. It's just a little dress. It's a full corset. I forgot about that. Pads and body makeup. Body makeup. Full body makeup. Five minutes of body makeup. But the body makeup makes it.

That's nice. It looks really nice. You have to put body makeup on if you're going to show your skin. If you're going to be a cross-dresser, a goon, a club kid, a flight attendant, a model, a pro wrestler. There's just some things where if you're going to be photographed and stuff, just put on the body makeup. And if you don't have body makeup, put some foundation in your hand, mix it with lotion. Telling you, it makes the look. See, I can't do that because I have tattoos.

But tattoos covers... I just do all this and then it blends in. I don't think I've ever had that much problem. Well, tattoos cover a lot. Yeah. But like up here, I always put makeup on anything that's covering up here. Anyways. Tattoos have a great... Bless you. Bless you. Don't cover your mouth. It's fine. COVID's over. No. So anyways, the show starts...

And it's a level of stagnant on stage that I have hitherto not experienced. It was so hot. It was so bad. Even Kelly was sweating. That's how I knew it was really, really bad. And she never sweats. And she's 70. She never sweats. You know how when you have a grandma, you got to constantly put a blanket on her lap? That's Kelly. And also the dancers, they're comfortable. So if the dancers are happy and comfortable, I'm pissed. When I went to – there's a part where I jump on Michael and he spins me around during my second number.

Drenched. Drenched. Wet, wet mud. Uh-huh. Wet, wet mud. Yeah. Well, the good news is...

Due to some emergency meetings following the show, we now have air conditioned condos. Now on our show, when you walk off stage, there are air conditioned tents with an air conditioner running with our costumes in there. So when you go to your costume change, there's a crisp 60 degree tent. A FEMA trailer. It's a hurricane relief pop up tent. It really is.

I'm Rene Russo in Outbreak. Girl, 12 Monkeys. I'm Gwyneth Paltrow in 12 Monkeys. Isn't she in that? She is, right? She's in Contagion. Oh, it's not 12 Monkeys. She's the first one to die, but this is her in Contagion. You gotta Google it. But she didn't get her Oscar for that. No.

She didn't get her Oscar. Eden and I were joking that when she's going to open the, she's going to wake me up one morning and I'm going to be dead, but I'm going to be, I'm going to have the most ridiculous expression on like, you know, like planning it. As you slip away, you're going to be okay. What's my, what's my bad? Yeah. I love that. But it was 6,600 people totally sold out. It was totally unreal. And it was amazing. Yeah, it was great. And then the next night,

You know, to follow the high of Radio City Music Hall and then to be in Cleveland, Ohio on a Tuesday, it actually was a blast. I had a great time. Because all the pressure was off. It was like we did this big show and now we can shit on the stage. I had a great and I had a wonderful time. I have a good time when I'm out there no matter what. It was Crank Tina. She came to my dressing room and said, I need you to know you're going on stage with Crank Tina tonight. I said, okay, let's take a break. Let's take a break.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. And we're back. So I got to talk to you about something else. Yes. I've been reading a lot of graphic novels. Okay. And I want to tell you about a few of them. But I'm not done talking about what I want to talk about. Okay. We'll give you a few more minutes. Okay. So I come off of stage and I say...

It's not worth it. It's not worth it. I'm done. We're packing it up. The show? Everything. Well, do you realize, I mean, I don't know if this is for everybody's business, but do you realize if we quit the tour in the middle of it, we would default on it. We would owe millions and millions of dollars. We don't just get to go home without getting paid. No, we have insurance. We owe millions of dollars. That's not how that works. But it does if I have a crack up. There's a clause. I can't believe you did it.

there's a there's a million dollars i don't know there's a crack up claw is there well there's a crank tina claus you get your typewriter jessica fletcher last minute additions is that her name jessica fletcher uh-huh look how gay i am look how i'm sitting i look like i look you know what i look like i look like um

Under the Tuscan Sun. Diane Lane. I don't think so. But I also look like E.T. Maybe more of that vibe. More E.T. But you've got the shape of Diane Lane. The shape of water. I'm the shape of water. Okay, so graphic novels. Well, I've read a few. I'm going to be honest. I read a lot. Okay. I read a lot. A lot of books in London. All I did was read because I stayed at the Gore Hotel, which had...

Just electricity. Barely. Almost no Wi-Fi. So I read books like the olden days. Yes. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Omnibus 1, 2, and 3. Great. But there's a lot of pictures in these books. Yeah, yeah. It's a lot of pictures, a lot of words. They're real easy to turn. But really cool. I mean, I can't draw. I can't even draw a circle. So me looking at artistry, every page, I'm like...

"How do they do it?" 'Cause I can't draw nothing. So I just love it. I read a bunch of, I read a DC Universe Watchmen crossover called Doomsday Clock, which was Superman versus Dr. Manhattan. - Who wins? - Ultimately everyone wins. It was kind of a fake out to be honest. - Oh, okay, they work together? - Yeah. - They provide AC for everybody. - Yes, they provide AC for all the girls. And then I read this series called The Boys, which is apparently a TV series now.

I read the whole thing. You don't know about this one? I don't watch television at all. But I read the whole series. You're such a liar when you say that. Six books. I read all of them. It's such a great show. Yeah, it's amazing. The book was amazing. I ate through probably one, what do you call it? Omnibus? I don't know. A book?

There's one through six. I ran through one a day. You got to watch the show. The show is fantastic. Yeah, it's fierce. It's so bloody and it's so nasty. And rapey. Well, yeah. I mean, sexually assaulty, rapey, bloody, violent. It's very dark. Yeah, very, very violent. Trigger warning, bloodshed.

Blood, violence, sexual assault. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I liked about it is, well, if superheroes were real, they would be basically like... Assholes. Corporate owned. Yeah, yeah. Plus Elizabeth Shue is in the first season. Is she? Oh, yeah. Who does she play? She plays... She's like the head of the...

That's a great role for her. Yeah. It's fabulous. I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's also like, you know, these superheroes are like squeaky clean publicity wise, but behind the scenes, they're like corporate bribes, crime, sexual assault, drugs. Yeah. It's basically just capitalism. Yeah. Because let's be honest, if you're human beings and you had powers that made you untouchable, do you think it would really make you a better person? I don't.

I doubt it. Yeah, I doubt it not in today's climate But I also like reading well superhero stuff because we are costumed Crusaders. It's true. Yeah, we're mostly self-serving But still and I with some of us certainly have our kryptonite Right now I'm reading because I'm obsessed with Alan Moore who wrote The Watchmen. I'm reading V for Vendetta I've never watched the movie or anything. So I don't know anything look at the art inside. Just crack it open I don't know what you call this style

Look how it's like all shadowy and like 60s. Isn't that amazing? How do they do this? Seriously, I don't know how they make comic books. I know that someone draws it. Have you ever picked up a comic book before? No, I've never read comic books. So I think someone draws it and someone colors it, right? Two different jobs. But look at the coloring in this one. Yeah, it's gorgeous. The pale yellows and the teals. It's gorgeous. So cool. Basically, I'm only a few chapters in, but it's about like a version of London in 1997 where it's run by fascists.

Fischism. Fischism. I love it. That's what I've been up to. I just read books now. And you know how I am. When I discover something new, I base my whole personality on it for like six weeks and then I move on. What I particularly love is how you're the first person to ever discover it though. That's really cool. That's me making conversation be like, do you know about Batman? People are like, yeah, we all know about Batman. I'm like, I don't know if you know about Batman. I read one book. I now know about Batman. What about a graphic novel of us?

HVAC. We could do a graphic novel of this show. Yeah, that's true. But I would have to be in like smell-o-vision and then it'd have to be a packet of moisture at the end of each chapter. To rub on yourself. That you like, do you like squeeze open and it splats you in the face? Or like a little packet of barbecue sauce to rub on your skin, like bronzer.

I got a Tom Ford, it's like a Tom Ford men's gel bronzing tint because I was fake baking for Queen of the Universe. Oh, yeah. Because my face wipes, you know, take off makeup, takes your fake bake off so fast. Yeah. So then I was trying to tint it to get it to match. And I would like put it on and then go see myself in the daylight. Chicken Kachatori. Mary. Chicken Kachatori. Teriyaki. Orange chicken face. Hi. Hi.

Top row of white rectangles Bottom row of crooked brown slats Chicken teriyaki face Bald head Ugh Ugh Just ugh Hold on Where's my phone I wrote down a couple of I think about you a lot Wait wait wait wait Wait wait wait I have a question What? Is your phone's right there Oh thank you

What is the opposite of horny? I was in bed last night. I was laughing. Do you see me just do this like I have hair behind? I just tucked my hair behind my ears. Like I have long hair. I am so disgusting. It's really like, I don't know. I don't know what we're going to do. We got to do something. Go on. What's the opposite of horny? Hold on.

I was in the bed last night cracking myself up. Did you ever do that? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was cracking myself up. On the tour bus, just cracking up? I was in the bed alone with the covers up to here, like up to my chin, laughing, crying. That's me when the edible hurts me. It is. It really is. And I was like, what is the opposite of horny? Because whatever the opposite of horny is right now, that's what I'm feeling. And I feel great. Like, I'm not... Are you... No.

Because usually that kind of thought is like a weed thought. Thinking too deep. I did. I did. Yeah. Thinking too deep about something that's not, you know, like when I get high like that, I'm in bed like, does the mailman deliver his own mail? You know what I mean? Like shit you should not care about. And I'm like, is that allowed? You know what I mean? Like, like it doesn't make any sense.

You know what I mean? Like, does the mailman deliver? I'm like, does the sun make noise? Yes. Weird shit. Does it? Probably if you were up close, which you can't be. I bet you it sounds like chicken crackling. Like a deep fryer. Like a pork rinds crackling. Deep fryer. Deep fryer. Have you ever deep fried anything? No.

I'm not going to lie. I mean, anybody who works fast food or anything, if you've ever had a job where you get to use a big fryer and dip like frozen French fries into grease, it's thrilling. Because when, you know, the ice in the fries, when it hits, when frozen water like that hits crackling grease, it spits a lot. So it's like...

That's exciting. It's really, I remember really enjoying it. Okay. And then in food service, you blanch French fries where you basically cook them like 80%. Okay. So that when someone wants fries, you just have to drop them and a couple minutes they're done. Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. That way every time someone eats fries. They're fresh. Yeah, yeah. They're fresh. Okay. There's a lot of, do you know about like TikTok of like McDonald's? I don't know anything about food. Okay. So like when you, like you are, what you are to books is I'm going to be to food soon. Learning about how food, how it's made. Or yeah, and how to eat it.

Would you ever want to like, um, would you ever want to learn to cook or anything? I'm going to. Because now you have a house. Yes. And I have a beautiful kitchen. And let me tell you this. Now that you have a house, you're going to want to just get hungry, make food and then not have to find it, buy it. I don't want to leave. Right. That's what I'm saying. I don't want to leave. So I've been purchasing food at the local grocery mart. Ah!

Do they know? Yes, they know. Okay. And I've been, well, I haven't been cooking per se, although the other day, Bina came over and guess what I did? What? I said, are you hungry, ma'am?

Let's have some pasta and garlic bread. I did. You cooked garlic bread? I boiled the pasta. I heated up the sauce out of a can, out of a jar. And then I had a baguette that I sliced and put butter and garlic salt on, put it in the oven. And we took it out. It was very rock hard, probably because it was stale, but we still ate it. I ate it. And I thought it was very delicious. And then I cleaned up the dishes myself. Well, I'm very proud of you. Thank you. I think...

Green Chef. Not unpaid plug. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Green Chef would be sickening for you. No. Because you don't have to go to the grocery store. Then we go to your house. Okay, but I want to go to the grocery store. You do? Yeah, because I want to go with no bra and a tank top and have someone call me a slut. Go to the Gelson's at 4 a.m. like RuPaul. You know she shops at like 4 in the morning? That makes perfect sense. I don't even think they're open. People that tall. She's in there just like, I'll take what I need. I have an account. She...

She takes a chair. And she's like supermarket sweep. She runs through the aisles and she's like, she takes one of the carriages, breaks the window, goes every morning. It just takes what she wants. Every morning.

You know, by the way, shout out friend of the pod, Shangela's on Dancing with the Stars. Oh, I know. Good for her. Dude, I think that that is probably the hardest thing to do. I was going to say, because Courtney did that too. And I was like, that is a job for the Courtney acts and the Shangela's of the drag world. Because let me tell you something.

That job is not fun. No. Every time on a television show when I have to dance, it's hard. But imagine if...

Vanderpump told me she's like, basically you're in rehearsal five days a week, 12 hours a day. Oh yeah. All day. All day. To me that means injury, horrible pain, and not the horrible quality of life. And Michelle did Strictly, which I think is similar. Strictly come dancing? Yeah, it's the UK. I'm assuming it's...

It's probably the same thing. You probably lose weight. Yeah. Horrible blisters. Horrible, horrible foot pain and every other kind of pain. And the waiver, because if one of these celebrities breaks their leg, like, Oh, what do you mean? Like, yeah,

Well, if you really hurt yourself dancing on television, it could affect your career forever. True. So I don't know what they get paid. I hope they get paid good because it looks so hard. There's not enough money in the world for that. I would never do it. I would never do it. I could never do it. I wouldn't last one day rehearsal. Mary, I do two wiggle numbers in this show and it takes everything I have. Is there like a competition show that's not drag related that you would like to do? Mine is Worst Cook Celebrity Edition. Oh, yeah. Is there like a hottest sleeper?

Where like they just measure the amount of sweat that you do while you sleep Oh hottest I thought like sexiest looking while you sleep. I've seen you sleep on airplanes. It's this You sleep with a permanent frown. It's really it's like this Like someone's hurting you by the way. I'm I'm Botoxed out right now this Wow, I need a refresh and I've been using this. Oh, that looks pretty good. Pretty good. Yeah, I've been using this chemical exfoliant I don't want to steal your shine

Editors note, Trixie and Katya are currently comparing the smoothness of their skin on camera. Let's do it. Oof. No, you look great. You are a decade older than me. Is it eight years? Seven? That's ten. I wrote down a couple things I have to say. Okay, okay. But wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's the opposite of horny?

Well, last night Trevor on the bus said frigid. It's not that. Oh, Brandon said frigid. But that's not, that means like never, never, that means like not arousable. I would say, because being horny is like you're turned on and you're very sexually interested. Like you're looking for it. The opposite of horny is the feeling after you cum. Satisfied?

It's like when you are done eating because you're full, after you have sex, you're like, yeah, I'm cool to never do this again. Right. What is that? Every hookup, you're like, why did I do that? Yeah. But I've been having that feeling for like the last two days and I love it. You do? Oh my God. Not being horny. Yes. I go through phases.

I just saw David for two days, so we immediately did it. But you know, we immediately did it. I wrote down some notes. One of them says, I love my job. What the fuck that means? Oh, we have to talk about the service in the UK.

We have to talk about the service in the UK. What kind of service? Food service? I understand that in America, having people in the service industry work for tips, it's a hot subject. Some people, when I was a server, I loved the fact that I left with cash and my good service meant I could get rewarded for it. You know what I mean? Yes. But you could say it's unethical to have people work for $3. It depends who you talk to. But in the UK, they don't work for tips.

And they don't care to come back to you. No. You can go in and sit down until you flag someone down. They're like, and what the hell do you want? You're like, well, can I order? They're like, Michelle Collins and I got bread at the Ivy and we asked for, she asked for bread plates and the guy went,

He looked back and he came back with one bread plate. There was two of us. It was so crazy. It was so crazy. Everywhere. I mean, it was just, it's just a different world. Cause in America, I would say that they are overly taking care of you. Yes. You still working on that? Yeah. It's too much. But in the UK you need to do like desert Island, human skulls spelling out help in order to get a salad fork. So like, what is the truth? That's gotta be, the truth has gotta be,

People who are available and happy to help you but they're paid well enough that they're not like right right right right right right? Yeah, it was wild damn. I don't recall I don't recall that I guess they just every UK experience they have I try to block out the wall this It's a it's a double-edged sword though because I have changed my tune on food in the UK you love it I had wonderful food everywhere. I went. Oh, this is the secret. Oh

I let people pick the restaurants and they took me to places I would have never picked myself. Okay. Okay. Michelle Collins took me to an Israeli restaurant. Okay. I was like, Oh God, I'm not going to like it. I'm not going to recognize any of the food.

Worked me out. Well, the key about English food is that you don't eat English. Yeah, you eat Indian. Indian and the Indian and food I've had in London is like beyond, is beyond. Israeli restaurant food, which is, I was told to me, it's basically Mediterranean, but a little different. It was so delicious. And when I was in Israel, I think I ate a McDonald's. Maybe that's your problem. So I think I just need to take more trust falls when I'm traveling and try not to have-

The problem is I travel and I want the same food I eat at home. Yeah, no. And that's not realistic, is it? I don't think that's very realistic at all. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. Some of the other cultural things. We're back. Cultural things I experience.

Would you like a Diet Coke of full fat? Oh, full fat is the best. Full fat. Full fat is the best. Full fat. Full fat Red Bull. Do you want full fat Red Bull? Yeah, full fat. Always fat. Full fat. It's disgusting. Why don't we say sugar?

I don't know. Full of fat? As if there's going to be lard floating in the top? Like Crisco? It's a solid cylinder of just lard that you have to suck through the can opening. Because it's not fat-free Red Bull. It's sugar-free. So then why is it full fat? I think because they know that the sugar becomes fat. They want the Americans to be like, so you want the fat? So you want the fat, you big fat fuck. Also, not to call anybody out,

The grinder there? H and H. The H and H in London. Oh, my God. The high and horny is unchecked. It's huge. It's a huge issue. Well, I guess they're doing... I hope that the gays there get the help they need. I guess they're doing methadrone now, too. Now, what's that? There's like a new... Or it's not new, but it's like a drug. It's a stimulant drug. As I chug my Red Bull, I'm like, people are gross. This is full fat. I'm going to look it up. Oh, yeah. That's the only way. Sugar-free Red Bulls.

I just hope the people find the help they need because geez. Mephit drone is white magic. Meow, meow. That's cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got to call things scary. Drug dealers got to do their duty by calling the drug scary names.

Yeah, like certain death. A black stallion? That sounds fun. Yeah, that sounds great, actually. So it produces effects similar to MDMA, amphetamines, and cocaine. Okay, see, that sounds like a sex drug, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, H&H, it's tough. The other thing I have to talk to you about is...

I haven't been keeping up on Celebrity Drag Race, although I'm quite jealous that you did it because I found the first season to be very enjoyable. Oh my God, wait, wait, yes, let's talk about that because it just came out. We gotta talk about your outfit. No, no, no, we gotta talk about everything. We gotta talk about everything. I'm gonna put them on blast right now. I support you and I actually thought, she hated it and I thought, my taste level, I said, I bet I'll like it. When I saw you in it, I said, what were they thinking?

What were they thinking? I don't know. So my partner, whom I actually happen to know of, thank God, because he, I'll just say that he appears in a show that I'm very familiar with. Thank God, because I was not familiar with several of the other people. And I love him, by the way. And he said that he had proposed we do Britney and Madonna. Oh, which would have been great. Perfect. Who would you have been?

Madonna, obviously. I don't know. Well, because he's much younger than me. Oh, is he? Yeah. Yeah, he's much younger than me. He's like 25 or something. And so that would have been amazing. Me against the music? Hey, Britney. Do you know what I mean? It would have been perfect. That would have been so fun. It would have been so, so fun. Instead, they have us do this act.

The subtext of which is a little R-A-P-E-Y. Oh, really? In what way? Well, we were Avon sales ladies selling cream that makes men take their clothes off. I don't think it's... I mean, it's comedic drag dancing. Well, that's... You know what I mean? The subtext is not the problem. The problem was the whole number. You're not in Lost. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's not a dramatic...

You're lost. I was going to say. The outfit. The outfits. Brittany and Madonna would have been so fun. It would have been so great. This number was so boo-boo. The costumes, purple and red. Purple and red. I hate those two colors together so much. Never in my life, never in my life would I ever, purple and pink, purple and pink.

I don't wear purple. Do you know what a red hat lady is? I don't wear purple. Do you know what I mean? I don't do purple. Uh-huh. I don't ever do purple, really. I mean, there's one time in my life where I've worn purple. Purple's one of those colors. It's hard. I like a lilac. Sure. Especially as a blonde. I think it makes my hair look really buttery like that. But see, I don't like pastels. Okay. Jewel tone purple.

It's fabulous on like deep skin. Sure. Medium skin. Very fair skin. It's just not the color. No, no, it's not. The costumes were so gross and the hair was so matronly and it was just like, that wig was so off. Why did they do that to you? They really did me dirty. But how about this though? How about this? So I agree to do the thing because it sounds like fun. Yeah. And then I get the schedule. Tell it.

My call time was 6 a.m. in drag to get picked up. Face done, 6 a.m. in drag. So I said, okay, will you be shipping the methamphetamine to my apartment the night before? Or how should we broach this? Guess what time I was on camera? 11 a.m. Are you saying you were in drag for five hours before anything happened? Was there rehearsals? Why were you there at six in drag? Was there a rehearsal? They wanted me to do a...

Ten second run through like you know how they do it like I'm checking in on the the diva as she gets painted Mm-hmm. They want you to do like does everything okay? All right, how's it going ten seconds who did the makeup this season? They work those girls out. Yeah, I think it was like mayhem Layla me it was something like I'm not sure I forget but like a couple of a few drag queens Yeah, great thing was celebrity drag races. They get real drag queens, which honestly any show you've seen where it's bad drag makeup Yeah, what's that show?

The divorce show with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. The divorce show? Neil Patrick Harris. Oh, uncoupled. Uncoupled. Not Jonathan Taylor Thomas. The divorce show with Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Yes. The Netflix show with Neil Patrick Harris. The drag queen in that. Yes. That's an example of a union makeup artist doing drag. Who's like Googling drag and then getting up, buying a glues to get CVS. Yeah. And then you look at like Vanessa Williams on celebrity drag or she's like, okay, a drag queen did that. Yeah, totally. It's a big difference. Yes. There's a big difference.

Also, Lila just won an Emmy. She sure did. For We're Here. Lila, 6, and Luscious won an Emmy for makeup for We're Here. That is so sick. That means every makeup job they ever get, they'll be able to ask for more money. Emmy award winning makeup artist. It was one of the hardest gigs I've ever done. I don't blame you. No, I know. I know. I know. But it was like, it's a fun gig. Well, it was so...

Wait, wait, wait, wait. The one thing I will say, the one thing is keeping it back to HVAC. Uh-huh. Bring it back home. When you know, there is always a silver lining when you know that RuPaul is in the vicinity. Uh-huh. Because I'm not happy to see RuPaul, although I am. You know, I'm always happy to see RuPaul. I'm more happy to feel RuPaul. Not literally, but...

But I'm more happy to share the air with RuPaul. The air con. Because I know that if RuPaul is in there, I'm going to be okay. Yeah.

Of course. 50 degrees. Sickening. 50 degrees. I think of her as a canary in a coal mine. I think of her as an ice sculpture. Do you know what I mean? She's an ice sculpture. She will melt and it has to be perfect. In the coal mines, if there's coal in the air that burns, if RuPaul's in there, that means it's safe for me to go in there. It's a safe space. If you call yourself an LGBTQIA plus space and you don't have air conditioning, you're a liar. You're a liar. You're harming gay people.

How does it feel to cut, to kill gay people? And just, and just do the drag queen call time should be the last minute. I'll tell you this. I will always show up absolutely ready and on time. Yes. So don't fuck with me, Maria. Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me. And don't do that thing where you lie to me and say, cause you didn't know I was going to come on time. I will be there on time.

Don't do that. Don't elicit me. Don't listen to me. Don't Valentina me. Don't change a little me. Don't like, I will show up. If you tell me the time I will be there, but also, and here's the thing is like, um, this happened, um, with another, whatever, whatever. Um, if this is a drag queen production, um,

Like when it happens, like when you're a guest on like Grey's Anatomy or something, I totally get it. - 'Cause they don't know. - They don't know. They don't know that your beard grows in by the minute. They think you're Ellen Pompeo, you know? And that you can just sit around in a gorgeous trailer and be amazing. You know, like you can look, you'll look from 8:00 AM to 8:00 PM, you'd look the same. - Yeah. - That's not the case.

But they don't know that. So you understand. But they know exactly what they're doing. And so there's no excuse. And that makes me so angry. There's no excuse. But you know, even Vanderpump was telling me they're shooting Vanderpump Rules. And she was like, I have them basically. She's like, I refuse to go in and like sit there while other people film scenes. She's like, I'm always on time and I come ready. So tell me the exact moment and I will be there. Yeah. They can count on me. Yeah. Yeah. My God. Well...

One other thing. What is it? I've been having sex in my butt. I know. It's great. You know, it's a second act for you. It's a bloody second act. It's a little like the suggestion. Well, I wouldn't say that what I've done with my asshole has led me down absolutely like fruitful paths. But my advice to you is no fingers.

No, I don't like that. When people are like, start with the finger. I'm like, with a fucking fingernail on it? Are you Jack the Ripper? No. No. They pull their finger out. I look like a carved pumpkin. Like, no. We're not doing that. I hate that. Absolutely not. No. This is like some real shit. I know people who have a really tight butthole who if a guy's coming over that they know they're gonna have sex with, they will like. They pre-fuck themselves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that probably is good for people who are trying to get used to it.

I don't know. I'm a bottom, but I have the time. I don't even want to do that. So like the problem is like I'm in a relationship. So like most of the time when you're, when you're having a relationship sex, not every time is. Yeah. The Avengers. Right. You know, sometimes it's just like a little like, can we do this where we're both on our backs and the lights are on and we're watching television, you know, like it doesn't have to be an event, you know?

And then I don't like to do full sex with strange men. Uh-huh. So, like, getting fucked in the butt is a lot. It is a lot. It's a lot. First of all, here's what... I have some... I'm not starving myself. I'm not doing any of that. I'm not doing any whole, like, colonic irrigation systems. Absolutely not. If you need to...

Like the joke about like, I'm a bottom, so I have water for dinner. No. If eating any food means you are having loose stool, you need to go to a gastroenterologist. Yes, absolutely. Okay. Yeah, that's true. And I have had, I'm very aware of my digestive system. And I know that if I just go in there with the shower head, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Yeah, yeah. It's fine. And there's no problem so far.

I mean, you're not getting fracked. No. And I'm not getting irrigated. No. I'm not getting fisted. I love that your friend group, you can't ask for bottom advice because they're like, start with the elbow. I can't. I can't. Like, well, it's like, well, can you get up to the knee yet? Like, no, I can't get the foot in there. It's it's they're not helpful. They're not helpful when one like, yeah, it's not helpful, but it's fun.

It's enjoyable. It's fun. It's a lot of things have to be in the alignment though. Like, yeah, not, you want to be like, not tired. I don't know. As I get, I'm more interested in sex in the middle of the day after dinner. I'm tired. Yeah. I'm old, but I don't have six in the morning. David used to always want to have morning sex. And I'd be like, it'd be like nine in the morning. And I'd be like, you karate chop across the bed. Like get out of here.

Scat. Go. I'd like to chase him off the porch of the broom. Get out of here. Go on, get. Yeah. But, you know, gorgeous devours cute. What do you love about your new house? The fact that I'm Lady Freeze. I'm Lady Freeze. Are you air conditioned out? Is it central? I am Lady. Oh, yeah, yeah. Lady Freeze. Remember the heat wave that just happened? Oh, no, you weren't there. You weren't there. I wouldn't know. Because I was like this.

It was so hot in London too though. It was 95, 104 one day. I stepped out onto my gorgeous deck to pick a lemon from the tree and went back into the icebox and made lemonade. Girl, let me tell you one of the fanciest things about living in LA. If you have a lemon tree, make a little gin and tonic or whatever. Let me just go pick a lemon. I grabbed 10 limes off of the tree. What did you do with them?

It's like a hostage situation. I'm going to make the tree leave me a half million dollars and I'll give them their lemons back. Meyer lemons. You love it? I'm obsessed. I got a giant, I don't even know what it's called. It's like a carafe, but it has a spigot on it. And you put the lemons in there? I squeeze them all into there with tons of ice and water. No sugar. That's not lemonade. No, no, no, no, no. That's limeade. No sugar. No sugar. Oh, that's not lemonade. You're drinking lemon water. No, no, no. A lemonade...

These Meyer lemons are so flavorful. They're like the size of grapefruits and each one yields about that much juice. You're going to do the master cleanse. It's so delicious. You don't even need sugar. Do you know about the master cleanse? It's bullshit. Yeah. The cayenne pepper. I think it's cayenne pepper maple syrup in lemon juice. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's lunacy. It's lunacy. Those people are lunatics. Lunatics right over there. Fasting is okay.

Might as well just do fasting at that point. You might as well. Yeah. It's just, you're crazy. You might as well just eat right. Well...

Feet. Feet pics. Feet pics. Well, thank you for joining us today. Thank you for joining us. Yeah, we'll see you again very soon. We're on the road. We're heading to, we're doing a show in Buffalo tomorrow. Yeah, if you want to come see us, we're playing all over the United States and Canada. Canada. Mostly Canada this month. Mostly Canada. And then we'll be coming over to Europe and the UK. We're playing everywhere in Europe and the UK, including Wembley Stadium in London. Yeah. And God, we'll be doing this till Christmas. Yeah. Get into that. Get into it. Yeah.

Happy holidays. I have been grabbed. I mean, this is coming from me. This is coming from a hardcore workaholic. I'm not talking out of my ass. I've been telling everyone when this tour is over in the spring, I know we're not doing this again. No, not on this level and not for this long. No COVID changed me. I'm a homebody. I want a husband, a home, a pet and cable.

Do you realize- I want to like get the mail. Do you realize- I want to get a Zumba class. Do you realize what it took to get me out of the place? I have a brand new car, a brand new house, a brand new person who's been doing sex to my decrepit body, central air conditioning, a Meyer lemon tree, gorgeous cable, a new Game of Thrones show, a lovely rug, a new bed frame, a brand new mattress, Cjoe sheets, three jets coming out of the horizontal part of the bathroom just like in here.

I love my life. I know. And I hate it right now. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I don't hate it right now, but it's challenging. I like being on stage. Everything else is just part of it. It's just part of it that I could take or leave. I don't like getting in drag. I don't like sleeping on a bus, you know, but I like doing the show. That's it. I love sleeping on the bus. I'm lying.

I love it. You do? Oh, retire. Have my little half sip of wine and then retire to the back bus where I read my little book and go to sleep like this. We've been having piss and shit smells. On the bus? Yeah. Are people shitting on the bus? They're not shitting, but it smells like it.

All right, we'll see you next week. If you're looking for an opportunity to make a difference in your life and the lives of others,

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