A Heavy Pour & Three Oscillating Fans with Trixie and Katya
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Way more people are peeing on each other than you think. Way more people are peeing on each other than you think. All right, I'm here. I want to hear about it. Talk to me. I don't want to out anyone, but I find that in the show, I have a joke about someone peeing in my mouth. And it brings people out of the woodwork who go, I like to pee on. Everyone's peeing on everyone. Are they doing it in the shower? Pissing in the mouth. Pissing in the ass. Pissing in the mouth. Pissing in the ass and pussy and mouth.

Are they doing it in the shower? Are they doing it in the bed? Do they have rubber sheets? What's the tea? The age of consent in the UK is 16. I don't know if I'm okay with it. I can't change it. I can't change it, but you think it's too young?

I think teen anything is too young unless you're – well, here's what I guess I'm fine with. If you're a sophomore in high school dating a senior, you can have sex legally. I guess that's cool. Which like you're the same age, whatever. Okay. Okay. But I guess I see that. I have something about a 40-year-old possibly picking up a 16-year-old. I don't know about her. I don't know about her. Ooh. I don't know about her. Ooh. That's tough.

You've got to get your priorities looked at. You've got to get the oil changed. I've got to tell you something else. I'm in Cambridge. I've got to tell you this, by the way. I've been on tour since we were on tour. I've been just psychologically grappled with that. I don't think I'm ready to do that. It's the whole dark 30. I asked for air conditioning in this venue.

three oscillating fans. I said, are we at Kinko's? Are we at the office? So here's the funny thing about temperature. Temperature is not the same thing as circulation. Right? Right? Because this is an HVAC podcast. I'm happy for anything. I'm in Cambridge tonight. It's a very historic theater. You can tell it's called the Corn Exchange.

Which I thought... You like corn? Rimming. Rimming, right? But... Wait, why did you think rimming? Because eating corn... Why did you think... Because eating corn shit. Eating shit with corn in it.

Brandon, you're just in the pod. Just accept it. Brandon's getting me a glass of wine. I deserve it. You deserve it, man. You got three oscillating fans and no AC. Get the wine. Get the wine. We just did London, Brighton, and Cambridge in a row. And I got to tell you too, look at that. That's a happy pour.

Oh, wow. That's a trashy corner. I gotta tell you too, getting into this tour, I was shaking in my boots because I had not really done stand-up like a full show in two and a half years. And when the stand-ups were all doing Zoom stand-up and like parking lot stand-up, I omitted. I called my PE teacher and said I'm a doctor. You know what? I'm on my period. Thank you. Dignity. And I gotta tell you, halfway through this tour, like

Like a few shows in, I love doing it. Oh, you do? Oh, good. That's good. I thought you were going to say something else. I used to be really good at it. And it took a few shows to be like, I love this because I was good at it. Okay. Well, I love to hear that. It was so fun. So fun. And I'm having a great time. I only have eight or nine dates left now. And so now I'm past the hump. And I talked to the band. I was like, this is the part of tour that goes fast. You hit the middle. And it's not the end yet. And those dates...

Cruisin'. How many dates altogether? This one was about 22 or something. Oh my God. And it really did 28. Now it gets wild. Reykjavik, Paris. Like it gets wild now. Are you in a bus? Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, I'm on the bus. It has neon lights, neon rope lights, which by the way, I flew Nick from my YouTube channel out to the UK. He's been filming, so I'm going to have content on the road from this. Bus tour, because you know the UK buses are different. Double decker. Yes, double decker, Mary. What do you prefer, the American tour bus or the UK tour bus? I like the UK one. I like the double decker.

I do too. It's like there's the rumper room with the food on the bottom. Yeah. And then you go upstairs, rest and relaxation. I like that. I think it's better. Although, you know, it does, it does occur to me frequently while we're on the bus, how, I don't know how easily it could all go South, South being dead. Are you kidding me? I mean, yeah. In a flash, dead, dead on arrival. I got so much on that bus.

I got so much tea to tell you, but I have to ask, did you go to a town? I surely fucking did. Went to Six Flags on a Wednesday. And I'm so glad we didn't get the flash pass because we went in right in the morning, 20 minutes before they opened. It was dead. We rode every motherfucking roller coaster, some of them twice. And it was so lovely. Oh my God, it was so lovely. Then we got burritos at a gas station. Oh, it was just the perfect day.

The perfect day. I am so into low quality food right now. Well, no, he's actually high quality food in a low quality destination. So it was under the radar. Yes. In the UK, I've been eating Cafe Nero, Pret, like, like just the UK Starbucks style shit. Just yeah. Tomato mozzarella, toasty, just toasty, toasty, toasty cheese sandwiches, cheese sandwiches, cheese sandwiches. Yeah. Yeah. I'm getting into her.

Girl, every day. I've never been so itchy. Every day, all the time. You look great. It's fabulous. I feel great. Wait, so tell me the tea. Tell me the tea. None of my clothes fit. It's fabulous. My costumes, everything is loose. Everything is loose and goosey. But I will not take a single thing in because I know karma. The day I take a costume. I love that. Okay, I got so much tea to tell you. Well, I was just in Los Angeles this weekend.

I was in Los Angeles this weekend to do the comedy festival, which you were at. And I know that you left my number and that's okay. Okay.

I've seen it. Because it was a taping. I've seen that pig. I've seen that pig. I've seen that pig. That's what I said. I've seen that pig. If the children don't know, I was lucky enough to perform at the standout festivals. Part of the Netflix is a joke festival where it's all these iconic queer standups. And then they invited me and Bob, which was so fabulous. Bob, life changing. So good.

By the way, the only two, if I may, my number one critique of this whole thing was the casual comfort corner outfits. This was taped for Netflix. And you and Bob are the only two that looked any good. Sorry about it. Well, we are in drag. I looked great.

I wore my dress from the Trixie Motel interviews and I had to tie it extra because it was so big. Oh my God. Your hair looks great. And then I had a super tight corset on and then I had the guitar on. And when I walked on stage in the middle of my song, I mentally went, they can't fucking see my waist. This doesn't matter. They cannot. They cannot. Oh, right. Rosie O'Donnell literally had a, Rosie O'Donnell had a hoodie on that said the Greek theater. I said, did you come naked?

But it was Rosie O'Donnell. It was pretty iconic. I don't care if you're Julius Caesar. Put a little clicker on. You're supposed to keep it cool. Put a clicker on. I said, Rosie O'Donnell, Trixie Mattel, and I've seen all your movies. I've seen all your TV shows. And I've been watching you since I was a kid. And this is so cool to work with you. And she said, how old are you? And I said, I'm 32. And she said, you're just a baby. And she hugged me.

oh oh my god that's really nice that's really nice yes i have enjoyed her in many programs that's what i said i was like many roses league of her ownses um exit to edens is riding the bus of my sister so many options thank you thank you the flintstones the flintstone let's have that conversation let's have that conversation so i get there um we've rehearsed all the day before i get there uh

first of all, it was a whole thing. I land at the airport. I go straight to the voice doctor. Oh my God. Right. They scope me immediately because my voice has been tired on tour. They said, they say, sing. I have the thing down my throat. I'm going, uh, um, and then they pull the thing out and I think he's going to tell me I have nodes. I have cancer. He said, next to Kristen Chenoweth, you have the healthiest voice I've ever seen.

he said i can't believe you do seven shows a week recently and your voice doesn't look worse he said you're coming out of covid you're not in your 20s anymore you can't do this many shows in a row and not expect your voice to get tired he was reading he was reading the doctor read he read you your miranda rights that's so good though what a great doctor i was very relieved and he said you're obviously not drinking not smoking not doing drugs he said you're obviously exercising drinking water

And I said, all right, well, I guess I'm gonna have to shut up then and try not to talk so much. Maybe not do seven shows a week. I don't know. Thank you. So then I go to rehearsal and it was just, it was, it was, it was, it was, I shared a dressing room with Wanda Sykes. Wow. I said, hi, Wanda. I just want to say hi because I'm going to be naked in a wig in here in a little bit. And I just, I want you to know about that. And she was like, oh, it's fine. And I was like, great. It was. Yeah.

Wait, tell them about TIG with the no pockets. TIG came up to me before we go on stage because we're all supposed to... I mean, Wanda Sykes, Judy Gold, all these comics that I really used to steal their albums on LimeWare. Sandra fucking Bernhard. Sandra fucking Bernhard. I'm freaking out, right? Me and Mateo Lane and the underlings are trying to keep it cool.

Yeah. Because I don't care about fame, but these are comedy icons, people that I'm like, huh? So, Tate comes up before we go on stage and says, I've been looking for someone with a purse. Can I put my wallet, phone, and lipstick in your bag? And she handed me a wallet and a phone with a Burt's Bees. And I said,

this is a chapstick. She said, it's my lipstick. I said, all right. Yes, and. It's a lipstick. Yes, it is. That was a hardcore lesbian. By lesbian standards, that was a hardcore brick matte red. Yeah, that was a brick matte. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Stains the lips. I love that. I have this little Lucite vintage purse and I have her TIG's real wallet, phone, and chapstick in there.

hours of rehearsal go by i still have it she hasn't come to find me i can't find her i find her in the dressing room i go tig i have your your stuff and she goes oh thank you and she takes it all back and then i said hey i discovered a river butcher and cameron esposito because i used to come see your shows at the largo tig and friends you were so good and she said thank you so much

When did she kick you in the pussy though? These aren't good stories other than I got to meet people in life. That's fine. Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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I went to the show. I never made it out into the actual audience because I was like, eh. I heard you were in the Redwood Lounge. The Redwood Lounge. The Lounge. They had lovely little screens. What was going on at the Lounge?

Well, you know, Jennifer from Netflix and me were just talking trash. Gooning. It was fun. Gooning, yeah. You know, eating foods and then talking trash. It was going very long. The show was going very long. So you know I had to get out of it. I don't want to tell tales out of school. And I don't want anyone to tackle me. You've got to. At a Netflix comedy festival. But we're all supposed to do five minutes. And then everyone went over.

And then you have the legends who are in their 40s, 50s, some of them 60s. And they're like, they're all lesbians with kids. They're like, come on, come on. And I'm like, well, we're all here because all of you went over. Right. I did a lot with three and a half minutes and left. If y'all were so professional, maybe y'all would have been on time. Scott Thompson was there. He did Buddy Cole.

Are you serious? I can't believe I missed that. I'm dead serious. They said, I don't want to give away this act. They set a stage with a bar and a drink, and that bitch came out as Buddy Cole and sat there with his martini and fucking let those whores have it. It was so funny. Oh, that was so great. I did catch Patty Harrison. No, go ahead. I said to Scott Thompson, I said, I got to tell you, I don't know if your DMs are open, but I've DMed you before. I just love you. You are so funny. And he said he watches Trixie and Katya.

Oh my God. Incredible. Incredible. And he said, I saw your documentary. We talked about him. Backstage, it's a hot set. So they have cameras and microphones on, right? All of us. Because they're doing a behind the scenes. And he's this close to me, close talker, Canadian. And he goes, you and Katya, what's going on there? He goes...

He goes, it reminds you of, he said, it reminds me of comedy duos I work with, or when you guys are together, it's just, he's like, you've got to hold on to that. You've got to hold on to that. Oh, really? That's nice. Yeah. That's nice. That's nice. I'm trying to make sure we're okay.

He said, are you guys okay? I said, have you happened to watch a documentary recently? I don't know why you would think that. Well, you know, Pearl, when I, Pearl did my makeup and she hadn't seen, she was like, she asked me a question that was like, have you guys ever, have you and Trixie ever been like in a, have you ever been in an argument or like, have you ever, like, have you ever had a falling out? And I was like,

Yeah. She's a trip. I'll send you a link. She is really a trip. I'll send you a link. Oh, that was wild. It was wild. Five hours in the chair. We got deep though. We got deep. Back to the, back to the comedy special. Patty Harrison, leave it. She, so funny. She did this long, earnest setup. Comedic antagonist. She is an absolute antagonizer. And then she sang in the style of Stevie Nicks. Um,

a song. I think it was, I left my baby in a hot car for 12 hours and now his head looks like a sweet potato. Here's what I love about Patty too. You can tell that if it wasn't a joke, she actually has a really beautiful voice, face to die for, skin to die for, and she delivers it like it's going to be dead serious.

If anybody hasn't seen Southwood Pod, go on YouTube, look for her song that she wrote for Dua Lipa and watch her sing it. Have you seen that? I don't want to give it away, but she wrote a song for Dua Lipa and pitched it and then she performs it in a show and it's absolutely absurd. It's so good. Oh, God. Yeah, she did that song for three good minutes. It was funny as hell. Funny as hell. But then that's all I saw. Lily Conlin?

No, tell them. We're not in school right now. I don't want to tell tales out of school, but you can also tell with the legends because I'm legends there, but they don't all exactly necessarily like each other. And they're also famous and accomplished that this thing that's like, it's a crown in the tiara for someone like me and Bob, right? We're like, oh my God. Right, right, right. I mean, it's another Tuesday. They're like, yeah, for sure. They want to go home. They got kids.

They're like, I'm trying to get out of here. And then The Greek has a hard out at 11. And because the show ran so long, the show ended and we are rushed out of there. But you can't even get out of there. That Greek theater is so rotten all the way up in Barnsdale or the Griffith something. It's so horrible. Horrible. You should catch it. I just, I'm like roadrunner it out on my feet.

Crazy. I also, not to give away my act, but I got asked to do a comedy song because I think they wanted variety in the set, like not just all stand-up. And I, because I went three hours into the program, I was very happy that I was doing music because it woke them right up. I don't know if they could have handled more stand-up. No. But they were so responsive. Yeah.

That's great. It was so nice. I had to add pauses because it was like the dream audience. They laughed and laughed. Oh, they laughed. I love those kinds of laughs. Although me and Joel Kim Booster were backstage. We're like, if we flop, will they add? Will they make it look like we don't flop? I don't know. And if they do, will there be whistleblowers on Twitter who are like, I was there and no one laughed.

Yes, that for sure, regardless. Well, we know it's not you because it says I was there. I'll say this. You made it further through this performance than you have with anything I've ever done.

Let's celebrate that. Let's celebrate that. Oh my God. I have so much to tell you if you have a second. Tell me. Listen, I've got all the time in the world. Just talk at me. Okay. Put on the wiglet. Okay. To start light before I get to the real tea, I saw Nighthouse. What did you like it?

I did. Did you? Rebecca Hall? Did you? I loved it. I loved it. I loved it so much. I don't know if this is a compliment. I don't know if it means someone's like acting too much, but the movie ended and I went,

That bitch can act. She went in. Mama, she ate. She chewed that whole movie up in her mouth and went, yeah, she carried the whole movie in her mouth. That scene of her confronting that woman in the bookstore was the teacher. Oh, that was crazy. In the bookstore. Oh yeah. She's like, I know you were fucking my husband. Like, yeah, yeah. Crazy. How about the one with the, at the beginning with the teacher? I mean, the student's mom, she's like,

Like, oh, well, things have been a little hectic for me because my husband recently blew his brains out. It was like so crazy. Oh, my God. I'm so good. I said the same thing at Cafe Nero today. I was in my running outfit and a fan came up to me and I was mid-sandwich. And I just was like, oh, I'm sorry. My husband blew his brains out last Thursday. And then I love when the woman goes, well, I'm sorry I hadn't heard. I hadn't heard. And then she goes, well, that's why it's a personal matter.

Yeah. Oh, you want to be? Oh, shit. That's sickening. She was so beautiful. So good. Yeah. So talented. She made me feel shit. That movie was so good. A lot of twists and turns that you did not see coming, I'll tell you that.

No. I thought it was going to be... It seemed like it was going to be not paranormal. Right, right, right, right. Oh, it's more of a human crime thing. Okay. Straight up ghost story. Okay. So I watched that on the plane on the way back from... By the way, Brandon was in first class for this flight. Netflix bought Brandon first class international flight. Oh, no. Monster is born. Monster is born. He said...

Yes, I will have more of that drink. Thank you. He was living. Living. It's incredible. So I'm in London the other night. I'm playing the Palladium. Gorgeous venue. One of my favorite shows I've ever given. I felt so proud of myself. But I'm doing We Got the Look, which has this vamp section where I'm sitting there like this. And I'm like, yeah, this song's going to happen. Let's do it.

And then I bring up some guests on the stage to come and take my costume off. Guess who walks on stage? Oh, I don't know. Do you know? Is it Maria Bamford? No. No. Did she come to one of your shows recently? Okay, okay, okay. Maria came to my show in Belfast. I bombed. It was humiliating. Oh, that's right. Guess who came on stage in London? Who? To do the reveal. Who? Cody Choi and Val Garland.

the real people the real people i'm in the middle of the number and i go get yes i go okay get let's bring out our fabulous our fabulous volunteers fucking i see blonde hair i see glasses and i go you're kidding me i said is it val garland i said and who's your friend you have with you and cody's smiling and i go are you fucking cody choi

Oh my fucking God. That is so fierce. That is so fucking fierce. I said, you guys, it's Val and Cody from the hit show Glow Up. And everyone cheered. They couldn't believe it. And then I said, Val, is there anything you want to say to the audience? And she said, ding dong. Ding dong.

She looked so beautiful in person. And then she sent me a DM saying, sorry, I couldn't stay for the show. I'm filming right now, but I just wanted to thank you. Brandon arranged it with Netflix. Jennifer and Brandon got me together. Oh my God, that's so sweet. That's so cool. That is so fucking cool. I love that shit. I didn't expect... So I just... It took me a whole second to go, is that Val Garland? Yeah.

Like if I hadn't been in London, I wouldn't have believed it. I was like, Oh, that probably is her. I love her so much. She's so cool. She's so cool. She is so, so cool. Um, what else? Um, so anyway, that's all my tea. Okay. I have some fun tea. Tell me about your, tell me about your off tour experience. Okay. Let me get my Starbucks drink.

I went to the chiropractor. Not the chiropractor. That's not a real thing. I went to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday. For your leg? For my hip. Do you want to tell the people the tea? I don't think they know. It's not very interesting. I have a hip injury. I don't know where it came from. It hurts to walk. I'm 40 years old. I make an appointment. I finally get one.

And so I was like, oh, long story short, I got a cortisone shot in my butt, a long, horrible needle, hurt like hell. But they froze. It's cool. They freeze the skin. And that hurts too, but it's to numb the area. And this giant ass needle went down in there. Oh, it's like a cold pain? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like stings, but it was like, whatever. And then horrible fucking needle goes in there. Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop. Terrible. I feel great. Really? That's it. Yeah. Trochanteric bursitis. So inflammation of the bursa around the hip joint. That's all it is.

Oh my God. We were talking about you having to get like a hip replacement. Did you bring that up? Were they like replacement or euthanasia or, um, uh, take me out back and shoot me like a lame horse. Yeah. Well, it was like, it's pretty, it's pretty scary when you, it hurts to walk.

As somebody who needs to tour with you and make money off you, do you know how ready I was to Varsity Blues this and start giving you steroid shots and put you on stage every time? Girl, you're not dying until I say you die. Okay, honey? And you know who else is not going to let you die? Kelly Nichols.

I know. Oh my God. Who we, I had her on the pod while you were gone. That was fun. Um, gosh, she's a riot. I love her. She is such a riot. She's great. She's so great. Love, love the Kelly mantle. Her IMDB. My Mary, I don't know. You've must've seen it, but her disappearance and everything. Um, she, we, we, I watched this thing. Yeah.

Yes! Eagle heart. Eagle heart. What are you? The last thing you see before you're completely assassinated. Yeah. That's me before I lip sync on Drag Race. Completely assassinated. You know what? They announced, I don't think we filmed, they announced winter season. Have we talked about that? I'm watching it tomorrow at the Pit Stop.

Do you know what episode you're doing? I get to see the first episode. The first one. You've got to come on the podcast and tell everyone what happens. I know. I am so... I was like, oh, they want to book you to do the Pit Stop. I was like, oh, okay, great. And then I was like, Bob's hosting it. Oh, good, wonderful. And I was like, wait, what series are we doing? They're like, the winners. I was like, yes. Now I'm excited. Yeah. Because watching a regular season is like, oh, wow.

Yeah. I'm excited. Do you know anything about it? No. Well, which was so nice. Um, but I, I did, they asked if I would do it a few months ago. Do you remember that? The winter season? They asked me to do the winter season. They said, Hey, we know you probably don't want to do it, but we just wanted to extend an offer. And I said, yeah, I'm touring this year. I'm not really interested. And they were okay with it. Plus I'm doing Quinn in the universe and stuff, you know, um,

But then when I left, when I left pit stop, when I left pit stop, I made them promise to invite me to do winners. Cause that was, I care more about doing pit stop and drag race. I love doing pit stop. And then it didn't work with the schedule. They said, you'd basically have to film remotely. And I said, at that point I said, you should see a Bob or like,

Monet can do it because she's on it. So I said, you should see it, Bob. Otherwise, I recommended a few other people who I think would be good. But I love doing Pit Stop. And doing the guest, that's the best gig.

Go in, wear your little outfit, talk shit. It's so fun. It's so fun. It is so, so fun. You get to watch the episode and yeah, it's great. Put your nails on. Yeah, it's really fun. Really, really fun. We need to hang out with producer Joe Gerbino. Joe Gerbino. Love of my life, Joe Gerbino. Amor de mi vida. Yep. It's great. It's great. This top is great. It's super duper. It's a fun gig. It's really, really cute. Especially, you know, and the guests, you know,

I did it through COVID too, which was like, you know, people remotely, remote Zoom drag some of it. I think you and I did a remote Pit Stop episode together. I think we did. Which isn't quite as fun. No. But you know what I did like about it? When it's in person, it's only LA Queens. When it's remote, we got to have people like Shae, Latrice, people who, they don't come to LA very much, so. Yeah. You did a great job. That's going to be...

I loved doing it. I'm excited to watch this. It was fun. You know when you're doing a job and you can feel like you're doing a good job? That's what I felt like. Yeah. It's great. What a great feeling. They gotta get Violet. They gotta get Violet to just lay down the law every episode. I think they did. Oh, no, no. As a host. A permanent host. I think Violet did fashion photo review for the whole season. Yes. And yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I feel like Alyssa Edwards doing this with the gun. You know what? Totally. These winners though. This is a good group. I'm not saying everybody who wins drag race is automatically good at drag, but this is a group who's going to really bring it. And I bet Violet will be reading things like,

you know, concept and like stuff, you know, Violet shit. Violet's going to look deeper than like the cult. Social security number. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Family history. Alcoholism. She's going to dive deep. It's going to be on Pearl's channel, but Pearl did your makeup for a video. How did it go? Oh, I hated it. Oh, I hated it. You did? It was so... Oh, yes. I hated it. Did she know? I mean, it was...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I told her in the moment I hate it. She was, I mean, there were things about it that I loved. So there was like, so first of all, here's the thing. Here's the thing. The first thing that she had, the first hurdle she had to overcome was of course the eyebrows. So,

So she glued down my brows, which took about over an hour because I had these, you know, these little spindly little like, well, because I went half shaved and half like these are drawn in. But like, you know, my eyebrows are not glued down a bowl. They're just not. So any case, that was like, that was something, you know, that was a hurdle. And she, I hated the brows. I loved the eye makeup.

I loved the nose. I hated the mouth. She's an amazing makeup artist. I loved... No, she is. She... I was... I'm telling you, Trixie. I was... I did not recognize the person in the mirror.

at all i think you sent me a picture i just need to look at it it was so crazy i was shocked but if you guys like quality content this is an unpaid unpaid plug pearl's channel is really amazing oh it's fantastic it's fantastic she's fucking you want to talk renovation she's renovating buses and shit i know she's crazy she's absolutely crazy and we we had a great time we got deep we went deep into it we should we should was there for like four hours or something

I'm looking at it now. I love the freckles. The freckles are fun. The eyes are great. The eyebrows are boo-boo. And the mouth is rotten. I love the eye shape. The eye shape is fantastic. No bottom liner. No bottom liner. Can you get into that? No bottom liner. I don't want to give away her teeth because you guys should go on her channel and watch. It brought me back to this.

Do you know what's sad? As long as we're all getting brought back to there, that's why I feel like we're good. As long as we're coming back to that. You know what's sad? When that came out and people were making memes of it, I know that I live in delusion. I felt so beautiful. Was that the Scott Barnes meme?

We talked about that at length. Oh, I know. Oh, I know. Oh, I know, Mary. I have all the screenshots in the video. You felt like the only woman to walk on the earth with a real pussy and long hair. I remember calling you and taking so many pictures like, yes.

You could not help but feel it. The full, unbridled, unadulterated fantasy. It was amazing. Well, you know, I've been feeling really good about myself in general, which, you know, for somebody like me who already is delusionally confident, feeling good about the way you look is just, it's like throwing gasoline on a fire. But I went to the dermatologist Saturday because I've had this little red dot on my nose for years. Have you ever noticed this?

Oh, yeah. Every day, of course. Okay. So I said, can I get that removed? He goes, oh, yeah, it's just a blank, blank, blank medical term. He said that and a few other dots on your nose. We can zap them right now and they'll be gone. And I said, well, I have a taping for Netflix tonight. Is it going to be a problem? He said, well, you're gonna have to put makeup on it. But it should be. He's like, are you? He's like, you might have to put on heavy makeup. I said, yeah.

I'm okay with that. Oh, I've got that. So they numb the face of the dermatologist, numb the face, numbing cream on the nose. And then they went in with the zapper, like a flashing laser light thing. Yeah. And they said, it's just going to feel like a little rubber band snapping. The lie detector test determined that was a lie. Nope. I felt like I got kicked in the face by a donkey. Like I had those little Jennifer Coolidge, like sunbathing glasses on. And I was going like this. Okay.

Mary, I think they call that the IPL, the intense, whatever photo, something, the IPL, IPO, something. It absolutely worked. This is still healing, but it's smooth, completely smooth. It's going to be gone. Um, but they tried to say, they tried to sell me this, uh, the same song and dance. I said, Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Rubber band. It worked. Rubber band, rubber band.

It hurts so bad. I said, it hurts so bad. I'm like, if you told me that this was really going to hurt, my expectation would be adjusted and it wouldn't hurt that bad. Exactly. But this is not a rubber band. This is the world's largest rubber band from Piedmont, North Dakota.

Don't ever try to minimize pain, especially when you're in a product you're selling. I always say, this is going to be very challenging, but it's going to work and you're going to love it. You know what I mean? Just say that or something like that. I don't know. I'm somebody who's used to going through pain to look good. Just tell me what the teeth are. Then I have a consultation with the esthetician at the clinic. This is like a Beverly Hills Clinic, fancy, whatever clinic.

It's 8 a.m. when I'm there. They're so early. First person there. And she comes in and she goes, so tell me about your skin. And I go, well, actually, for what I do for a living, I think I have really good skin. And I said, I feel really confident. People always compliment my skin. I said, I'm really lucky of all my features. I said, I think my skin is probably the one thing I love. And she goes, okay, can I show you a few things? And I go, yeah, sure. She takes an iPhone.

In the sunlight, in the direct daylight in the office, takes zoomed in pictures of my face. And she is zooming. I'm going to use this picture as the tea. Let's see here. Oh, my God. I can only imagine. Girl, she's zooming in. Let me find a picture of me. Actually, this is better. She's zooming in. And she's going, do you see that? All that texture that's years and years of sun damage.

And she goes, do you see under certain lights? Do you see this big panel of dark spots here? She said, this area, the integrity of your skin is collapsing. It's collapsing. Collapsing.

Okay. And then about 20 minutes went by of her zooming in on my face and telling me what was wrong with me, which by the way, you don't want to go to a dermatologist where they tell you nothing. You want to go where they read you. You want them to tell you the tea. And she goes, I think we should start today. She said, we got to get in there. Like it's a house in the Hollywood Hills that's on stilts that's collapsing. She's like, we got to get in there. Like we got to enjoy every moment because it's a matter of time.

That gives me an oxygen facial followed by stem cells on the face. And by the way, in the light of the Roe v. Wade overturn, I'm not going to ask where the stem cells are coming from. I mean, I don't know. When I tell you at the office, I sent you a picture of myself in the office.

When I told you I was serving Miss Fame, just wet, wet skin on the bed. Oh, yeah. Lovely wet skin. Lovely wet skin. Oxygen facial. Look at that. I mean, just look at it. Flawless. Flawlina. Incredible. Beautiful. I mean, she did read me, but afterward, she was like,

Do you see how much help you need and how much, like how much better this looks? She was from Italy. So I think with the language barrier, she was very straight to the point. Yes. Which I honestly really appreciated because she did turn my pussy out. Well, right. Yeah. How much is such a bad thing for her to zoom in on my forehead and say, well, the exact same.

and the facial and then she basically said i want to set you up with all prescription medical grade skincare regimen i think you should get everything and for what we do for a living to our faces i'm not going to say no to like absolutely absolutely painters she said i know you wear a lot of makeup she said the better your canvas is the better it's going to look i said i agree but i thought i looked okay i mean yeah um she came for you so not today ugly

Mama, she came right into my house and she came for me and my family and my daughter. She ripped up the carpet while you were having dinner. Yeah. So now I'm on a whole prescription skincare judge that I don't know what anything does or if it's going to work, but I'm just doing it because the doctor told me to. There you go. It's Accutane. She put you on Accutane. Also, a fan at the meet and greet tonight said, I got you a bunch of sweets and chocolate and gave it to me and said,

I didn't do nothing to it. I didn't think you did. But now that you said that, like you added that doubt to my mind now. Like I was fine until you said that. I didn't do nothing to it. I didn't do nothing to it. The UK, what's going on over here? I don't know. I'll see you there soon. Shit. Well, by the time this comes out, people don't know. Can we say, by the time it comes out,

You and I are touring in the UK and Europe. People who don't know. Oh, yeah. They don't know that yet because we haven't reached that part of the timeline. They don't know until about two weeks. Everybody at the meet and greets has been asking if the show is coming. And I've been saying, you never know. But I've also been telling them, make sure you buy a ticket immediately because in the States, it was all sold out every day. Sold out, mama. Sold out, Mary. Sold out, Mary Dugan. Yeah. Which, by the way, not to plug, but we have many U.S. dates.

that are already like still on the table sold yeah still on the table if you all want to come see it we're doing the youtube theater in los angeles i think we've sold 3 000 of the 4 000 tickets already we were just there um mary how about this radio city's almost i pretty much sold out that is gaggy on the after on 9 11 tell the people about the um tell the people about the the pornography clause

Oh, there is a decency clause in the contract for Radio City. So if you – it's a lewd and – I think they call it a lewd and indecent clause where if you make a comment or do something that they deem inappropriate or lewd or especially – in addition to that, you cannot –

disparage Radio City on the microphone, if you say, hey, by the way, this place is a perfect shit dump for me to spread my pussy lips, that would be like a twofer. You get $50,000 fine. $50,000 fine, Mary. So maybe $100,000 for that one. Disparaging and lewd.

Oh my God. On this tour, Nick's been here filming and for some of the venues I've had to pay out of my own personal pocket fees for him to run a YouTube camera here. And so what I've been doing is going on stage and telling the audience exactly how much that costs. I don't care. I'm sorry. It's a sold out house. It's a sold out house and you're going to charge me money to film for YouTube? Oh wait, the venue charges it? The venue charges it? Yes. What? Yes.

I said, hey, my friend Nick from America's here. I said, he's just filming for TikTok. I said, we're doing some social stuff. And they were like, yeah, there's a fee. One of the venues charged me $2,500 American dollars. And then when I got there, they tried to raise it to $7,000. And we had to pull up an email and say, what about this amount? Yeah. What about this amount? Yeah.

previously quoted amounts not being honored. - I'm like, girl, I'm in a wig putting on makeup for YouTube. This isn't Titanic. - No, but you know what though? - I don't know. I actually, I think I'm on the side of the venue with this one. - Girl, everyone in the audience has a camera on their phone and no one charged them. - Well, because they're not supposed to be doing that. And also their videos suck. You got lovely lighting. - That being said, when people come to Trixie Motel, if they're taking TikToks, I'm kicking down that door.

No, you're adding it to their bill. Mama, when I tell you at the Trixie Motel that we have your card on file, Mama, we have your card on file. We're waiting 30 days in order to slap you with a $7,500 recording fee. If you even clip your toenails in one of these rooms, I'm taking your mom's house. When does that shit get started, bitch?

Girl, we premiere June. God, this is so horrible. Did you see me just push my hair back? I have no hair. Did you see that? Hold on. Let me tie my hair up so I can look at my schedule. I love that. Girl, that's taffy. That's taffy. By the way, I think I'm going to make taffy merch. I think I'm making taffy merch.

T-A-P-H-E-I-G-H. T-A-P-H-E-I-G-H. E-I-G-H. Oh, so good. I'm a taffy puller. I'm a taffy puller. Let me show you taffy. That's taffy. That's nasty and rotten. By the way, look at the store that I saw in Cambridge today. I was in Cambridge today and I was running and look at the store that I saw. This was their sign outside. Oh, Jesus Christ.

What's in there? Is it calm? What kind of story is that? What kind of stuff is that? What is it? Looking for some white stuff, baby, this evening. Tracy Motel premieres June 3rd. Okay. Great. And where can they find that? Discovery Plus? Discovery Plus. Do you see the trailer? Which? Lovely. So great. I can't wait. Do you know how many people were on set for that trailer? No. Like a hundred.

Jesus Christ. Really? It was one of the most high budget things I've ever been a part of.

It was really cool. It honestly shows it was so well done. So well done. So well done. If that's any indication of the level of quality that will come in the, in the, throughout the season, I think we're in for a lovely experience. But girl, when they pitched the trailer idea, they were like, well, the trailer ideas, Trixie, the queen of all trades. We have her as a bartender, as a front desk, as a designer, as a, whatever. And I said, Oh, that sounds amazing. Yeah.

I realized that means I have to turn about a dozen looks in a day. Yeah. Yeah. I was in drag at 7 a.m. shooting for that. And I shot till about 8 p.m. But you know what? It looks great. So let's celebrate that. Let's celebrate that. And then get dragged the next morning to shoot stills because there wasn't enough time. So then drag all day to do stills.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Some rag, I forget who. I twisted my words just to death. But then a lovely man, the guy from The Decider was just a doll. It was fun. Really fun. I was talking to, I forget which publication I talked to about winner all-stars, and I was saying how badly I wanted to do Pit Stop.

And the article is, Trixie really wanted to do All-Stars winners. And I'm like, that is not what I said. I said I wanted you to stop. Yeah, mine was, the headline was, this was disgusting. I don't know what they were talking about. I don't know. I don't know. It was so clickbaity and gross. I was like, oh, y'all people are just too much. Too much. Girl, I was on a press thing, I forget what for, and I said, I'll let you ask about All-Stars, but if the headline of this article is about whether or not I'll do All-Stars, I'm going to scream.

I just told them. I said, you cannot do that. I mean, that's what they do. They want those clicks. That's what they do. That's what they do. Click here to see my husband's dead. Click here to see my pussy. Click here to see my pussy. Did you know that I got demonetized on Facebook for posting that? Good. Because it counts as sexual solicitation.

That was me. I recorded you. All right. I think we've about had enough. Let's celebrate that. Let's celebrate that. All right. Bye. But wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Have a lovely day. It's midnight here. Oh, good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

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