A Rumspringa Spring Break with Trixie and Katya
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Well, hey, let's, you know, hey, hi there, honey. You want to do like a pod? You want to do some pod talking? Yeah. Starting out, my Invader Zim shirt I got on here. Oh, is that, um, uh, uh, what's his name? George Glass? No, I know the guy. It's something, um. Invite a theme. Um, I, I know the guy who, the, the, the, the author of that.

It's a cartoon. Yeah, it's a comic book. Graphic. No, it's an on TV cartoon. Oh, it's on TV. Is it also a graphic novel? I'm sorry, I didn't know that. I think so. Oh. Is J something, V something, Z something? Yeah, Joe Vasquez. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I went to tour Nickelodeon and I met him. He's really nice. Cool. I did. Um, I was at Nickelodeon when I did, uh, I had a character on a monster high this season. Oh, that is talk about it. Oh, well I played Skelly Vonderbron. It aired like two weeks ago. I didn't watch it because I don't have cable. Right. Um, but I saw clips of it on Twitter, but I, this sounds bad.

I didn't want to promote it because of all the people calling drag Queens groomers and pedophiles. And it's a, it's a, it's a cartoon. And so I didn't want to draw unnecessary attention. So I didn't post about it cause I was scared.

Well, you shouldn't be scared and you shouldn't groom as much as you want to. But I don't want people to be like, at Nickelodeon, disappointed. Do you know what I mean? I've become such a troll on Twitter recently. Really? Every time it's some conservative shit, I love when it's drag related. Like CMT posted a picture of a bunch of drag queens on the red carpet. And of course, all the comments are like, this isn't my country. And I have to roll in there and go,

Too much woke grooming. All capital letters. Woke Tina McGroomingstein. Yeah. It's so great. And this lady, this lady, Barbara was like, they need to leave our kids alone. And I'm like, I don't think it's good parenting to leave kids alone. Thank you. You know, leave them in a hot car. Leave them in a hot car. Hot car. The grooming. I can't get enough of the grooming. People have been texting me from high school and college and stuff being like, are you okay? I just keep seeing all this shit about drag queens on the news. Are you like,

I'm like, I'm not in danger. I am in Guantanamo right now, but I'm not in danger. Yeah. But people keep the, I'm like, people also don't realize the privilege of money and fame. We're not going to be affected. No, it's people down the street who are going to be affected. People, drag Queens and trans people who work in bars are going to be affected. Not us. No, because we're some, we're just dogs that happen to have a little bit of money. Right. I don't think, I don't know if we can get into it again, but like, even if you keep drag shows from happening,

This shit's on the internet. Drag is on the internet every day, all day. Most of it's on the internet. It's people in their little homestead with a ring light. Are you going to pivot to Amish? Yeah. To keep your kids away from the grooming? That would be more interesting if they just went full anti-electricity. You know what I mean? Go big. Swing big. Have you ever met a person on Rumspringer? Rumspringer? Rumspringer? Yeah, Rumspringer. It's like their little holiday. They're like, go out and sow your royal oats or whatever, or wild oats. Have you ever met a person on Rumspringer? Oh, I'm on that.

What is it? Rum Springer? Rum Springer. Yeah. I don't know why I can't say that. Well, because you've never fucked someone on Rum Springer. Rum Springer. I think. Jerry Springer. Look it up with you.

Amish holiday or it's like the the reverse rumspringer for non Amish visiting will be Amish for a week Yeah visiting week. Yeah, they should do that with like the scared straight. Yeah, remember like scared straight It's like I tell my mom to give me money and I you know and then that the person somebody in a Halloween store military outfit comes in and straps totally it's so puts plastic handcuffs on them They made me clean for five minutes

Have you ever had to do community service? No. No. Okay. I had to, not for crime, not for crime. It was part of being part of the National Honor Society. You know how much I had to do? Five hours a month and I screamed and cried about it. What'd you do? Some bullshit. I was always making it up. Like, oh, I cleaned in my teacher's room or something.

Bullshit. Such a fucking liar. I was in the NHS, but I don't remember if they made me do anything. Five hours a month is a lot for me. Girl, I thought that ceremony was bunk. Remember they give you the white rose or whatever, the yellow rose? No, that's The Bachelor. No. No, it's very culty, the National Otter Society. Well, yeah, of course it's very elitist. You're lighting candles and holding flowers, and then you get on the table and that priest fucks you right in your little virgin cunt. And does a little smear of ash on your forehead. Semen.

sucking down semen. Do you love Ash Wednesday? How much do you love Ash Wednesday? That one day of the year where everybody walks around with shit on their face and pretend it doesn't matter. Like you've never noticed that on Wednesday before you see? That's the day with the ashes on the face, right? That's the day where people walk around with a soot on their forehead and a smudge all day long. Do they do it in the morning then or what? Yeah, usually in the morning. People who do it like to have it all day long. They

They like to do all their errands and see as many people as possible with that smushy, sooty little mess. It's like a conversation piece. He went to Jared. Yeah. It's like, yeah, I went to church, bitch. Yeah, I'm a fucking Christian. Sorry I'm fucking chosen. Yeah. Sorry that Jesus, you know, whatever. Chosen is Jews. Christians don't say chosen. No. Christians say. But don't all. Got it from Hot Topic. I just did an activation with Hot Topic and I had to do like a goth look.

As a boy. Oh God. What did you do? Bringing back my high school years. I wasn't goth, but I was like hot topic. Emo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had to do like a little smoky eye with like, like rings. And like, I looked in the mirror and I thought this is for some people. Yeah. It's not for me. It's like, but it's for some people. It's fallout boy. Yeah. Yeah. Pete Wentz. But people, I love goth people. I think he's cute. We had a lot of goth people at like solid pink disco. People who are going all black and they had like a pink earring and they're like, this is for you.

Where they were like, I had to go buy something pink. Will you allow it? Of course. Oh, see, that's great. I would just wear pink lipstick or something. Yeah, one thing pink. That's all I have. Or like my whole face like Amanda Lepore in that commercial. Yeah. Oh. Okay, so rums...

What happens on Rumspringa? During Rumspringa, Amish youth enter a time of greater social activity. Traditional youth activities include volleyball, swimming, ice skating, picnics, hiking, and large outdoor parties. I'm sorry, that sounds decadent. I thought it was crack and sex. I think that's what it is. I thought you go to New York and you wear normal clothes and you suck cock for heroin. Yeah, you go right to Avenue A and you get on your knees and you take as many loads in your mouth as possible.

Right? Or the Grand Central Station, ass out. They have a little Velcro flap on the back of their little panties. Do you get into hookups that are ass up, door open, ass up? Absolutely the fuck I do not. No. Absolutely yes. No, absolutely the fuck I do not. I have a very rich, active, imaginative inner world. I don't need just some mountain. I need to know I'm getting involved with a person.

I want to know about that to you. Yeah. Or not even as person. That's interesting. A person that's real has a, has a life of their own and we're merging for one magical moment. Sometimes many moments over the course of an evening, someone you find hot. That has to be part of it.

Yeah. I don't get like, I don't see a butt sticking up like a hole in a tablecloth with a butt. It's not safe to say, are you gay? It's safe to say, are you into girls or guys? Well, so that's funny. You don't know what people are. Funny you say that. So a friend of mine from college has two young children. Gorgeous, by the way. So like models. Hot.

Yeah, like stunning and kind of androgynous. You know, she's like a coastal elite, very smart, well-educated. But she was telling me her 12-year-old son, he doesn't really think in terms of like gay, straight. They don't really – they're not doing all that. They're doing The Sims. Yeah.

In The Sims, no one's gay or straight or anything. You can just be attracted to anyone. So what are we doing here? I think that's what we're moving towards. What are we doing here? What is this gay-straight alliance shit? However, you know what, though? This is horrible. I'm always like, wow, if you're straight, you just kind of assume everyone around you is someone who could be interested in you, possibly.

Whereas when you're gay, unless you get a read that they're gay, you don't assume any guy's gonna come into you. I think it would be harder and more confusing if there was more options for me. - Oh, I see what you mean. You don't catch a vibe?

Well, you know what you like. You want to catch a vibe. You want to catch a vibe, man. But if everyone was fair game, I think I'd be even more confused about who's vibing and who's not. Well, you got to read the body language. Because I'm like, oh, he's gay. All right. Even if he's not into me, he'll probably fuck me. You know? Ass up in a sheet. Right. Yeah. You just put the tablecloth over your butt. One of those paper, like, disposable birthday tablecloths. Exactly. Happy birthday, Sarah. You fold it up, cut a little thing, put your butt right through it. You say, hello. Well, have you ever been a proctologist?

They wrap that paper around you. They put you up on that table that... I've never been to a specialty doctor that only deals with the asshole. They put you up on the table like this. And then the table tips. They hit a button and you go...

So then you're like inverted. Amazing. And you're wearing paper wrapped around yourself like a dress. Why? By the way, you notice that doctors, everyone preps you until the last second when a doctor has to be there. So the doctor walks in, puts on a glove and immediately, boom. No, they have like a little scissors or whatever where they rip a hole through the paper. So then you just expose butthole. Oh my God. Like in the pornos when they rip the underpants off. Do people want that?

I certainly do. You want your panties ripped off? Yeah, panties ripped in half. Do you like men in panties? I do. You do? Yeah, I do. I was on the fence about what kind of underwear. Jock straps for a long time. Of course, I don't particularly think. I think you have to have some kind of substantial heft back in the back to pull off a jock strap, right?

A skeleton in the jockstrap is not exactly that enticing. That's just my point of view. I don't, I mean, this is maybe my trauma. I don't think jockstraps are the most flattering thing to wear. No, I don't either. I also, but I have, you know what I do have come around on? Well, I was always around on them. Thongs. I think they're so hot. Do you think? Yeah.

They're fucking G-strings. You like that? Yeah, like the classic ones. Not the ones with all the straps and shit. Like a stripper's G-string. You know? Yeah. Gold lame or black or whatever. I want to see more Go-Go Boys in real underwear. I know that's fucking weird. What's real underwear? Like 100% cotton? Gray Hanes. Gray Hanes with some sweat stains in the crack? Because...

My damage is I now attribute a certain amount of costumey underwear to like... Sex workers? Like circuit gays. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that. Yes. Right. You know? Yeah. And I like a little more either creativity where it's a costume or a little more realism. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd rather have nothing. I just like, you can do all that, but it's all going to come off. And if it all goes my way, pretty quickly. You know what I mean? We're not doing, it's not Dita Von T's on New Year's Eve. You know what I mean? Yeah. We're not like doing glove, glove, garter, garter, stocking, stocking. You know, we're just taking it all off and getting rolling around. Cock sock. Yeah. Yeah.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. What do you think about sex and movies? Oh my God. This whole Twitter conversation. It's crazy. It's the next level of kink at pride. It's crazy. I love it. I love it so much. I was like, how dare. It doesn't move the plot forward. I think it's so unnecessary. I was like, who are these pilgrim people? They're on Rumspringa. They're on Rumspringa.

They're on Rumsberg. I try and watch the whale. The whale could have benefit from a love scene or two. Call me crazy. I rented the whale. Turns out it was Wally. Yeah. Cause I was using, I was using the Amish pronunciation. Yeah.

I just, I love, I wish they would bring back a true 90s erotic thriller genre back. We need Sliver. We need Indecent Proposal. We need Disclosure. We need those nasty Sharon Stone vehicles. For like hot. For Sharon. Yeah. Basic Instinct, Fatal Attraction. Yeah. We need Michael Douglas fucking some, you know, hot bitch in her late 30s. What's with that? It was a genre in the 90s. But what's with Michael Douglas?

Because he is hot young bitches. Michael Douglas with fucking Sharon Stone in her prime. In her prime. Hot, wet, fuckable pussy that every man in the world would trip over. And woman. Yes. And she was bisexual in that as well. Yeah. Yeah. Hotter than hell. Sizzling. Scorched. That pussy was. She's the villain. Was butane. She's the villain. She is the suspect. Yeah.

All bisexuals are the villainous suspects. The person of interest, let's say. But you got... You know, we just don't have that. Also, where's the brunette bombshells these days? Where are they? Where are the Jean Triple Horns? Where are the Marsha Gay Hardens? Where are the Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonios? Where are the Mimi Rogers? Where are the Mimi Rogers? Where's the Mr. Rogers? Where are the Minnie Drivers? Yeah. Mary. Andy McDowell. Well, David said that he... Well...

I guess maybe this generation doesn't understand that having sex in a movie isn't real sex. There's not penetration. There's not, this is acting. And it's beautiful. And also these are actors. Actors want to act. They read the scripts and they go, I want to do this. Yeah. That's what happens. And also just take a look at some of these, these films, a Brian De Palma film, or, you know, and then look at men.com.

Very different. Very different. Very different. The lighting is, you know, it's a whole beautiful, it's art versus. What is Titanic without that steamy window? Hello. Yeah. What is Sliver without him, Billy Baldwin creeping up on, you know, alongside her and fucking her on that. I never seen Sliver. Oh mama. Are you saying Slither? Sliver. Okay. I've seen Slither. Yeah. This is very different. Did you see Slither? Uh,

Is that the snakes in the... No. Oh, no. So there's aliens involved in invading like a small town. Oh, is it they go up the puss puss? It's fucking crazy, girl. Okay. It's fucking crazy. Let's check it out. Big gore. Really? Big nasty gore. Yeah. Tipper gore, Al Gore. Disgusting. Elizabeth Banks is in it. Oh, yes. Okay. I think I've seen that actually. Crazy. Oh, is that the...

Definitely. Last night I ate, I couldn't find five milligram gummies, but David had 10 milligram. Okay. And I thought six, the one half of the, so I bit half of it off. And I was like, you know what? I'm like playing a little video games and watch a paranormal activity. Yeah. Took the other half. The other half. Turned teen to Aguilar. It was the key change and my heart will go on. Yeah. In bed eating up frozen Twix. Gooned. Wondering why I need to lipo.

You know what I did the other night? I had an edible cookie on a whim, this old bag in the thing. And they kick in so – I always forget. Every time I do an edible – They come in like a wrecking ball, babe. And so much later. So much later. You've forgotten it. Always. You've forgotten it. Always forget. And so two hours later, while I'm kind of cleaning the scum off my kitchen, my bathroom sink, and

And I'm thinking about like, I couldn't help but wonder, what are all the patterns in the relationships of my lives and how do they have to, it was like, what am I? Oh, I had an edible. Yeah. And it's like, that's stupid. It's like, everything is so considered. The minutia of every activity is called into question. There's like a lot of, it's just too much thinking. Yeah. It's too much thinking. It's thoughts. It's a lot of thoughts. It's not for me. Sometimes I have revelations. Yeah. Sure. I'll be on Tik TOK and I'm like,

You're not hot or you're not funny. You're just hot. Oh, yeah. Oh, someone else. Yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes. I might have laughed at this, but right now, I know that I would have laughed because they're hot. Yeah. Because they're funny. Sometimes I get depressed, though, because it makes me think it makes me analyze things from a from a dark angle. It's rarely like, oh, you know, you can't let yourself be.

You need to close the door to the spiritual realm of certain topics if you're going to do that. Well, that's what I mean. I thought I just need to sit down and watch the whale. Yeah. Or sit down and watch Avatar, Wave of Water. I don't even get much into edibles anymore. But because of the time change, I was trying to like. Does it make you go to bed? Well, I was like fully ready to go sleep at 3 p.m. And then by like 9, my body was like. You got to push on through. Morning. So I had to be like, no, we need to just take the edible and go to sleep, Mary. Yeah. Did you get fucked up by jet lag?

Yeah, definitely. You do. Bigly. Bigly. Bigly. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I didn't tell you about the horror. No. What? When I got to the airport to go to Australia, the front desk. Mr. Fergus, we've been informed that your seat doesn't recline.

But I'm talking, it doesn't even recline as much as a normal seat. American Horror Story Qantas. It wasn't even doing this. It did nothing. You were at 90 degrees. 90 degrees for 14 hours or whatever the flight is. I mean, I couldn't even do the one inch amount because in a normal coach seat, I can sleep like. Yeah, you can shift a little. Totally. And you put up. This is almost like. It has these things, the head things. This is almost past vertical. This is almost like almost bending. So I'm watching the whale knowing that this is the closest to sleep I'm going to get. And I'm like, uh-huh. Very chicken.

- Oh my God. - And I felt bad because I couldn't complain hard 'cause of course I'm flying with two people who their seat was never gonna turn into a bed.

well so i can't sit there and act like you know i can't act like when ellen had to let her staff go during covid the fuck you can and you should and i would have i know i called you for support which i shouldn't have done because you were like go home i was like get on the first get on the first uber home yourself you find your dignity in your suitcase and you leave the airport and you come back when there is a suitable flight thank you very much steven craddock who owns in the dark the tour i got on the phone with him i said katya would have been gone i would just see what happened

I wouldn't do that. And they said, we're going to refund the flight. And I called the tour director and I said, I want that money. I wanted my hand in ones and fives. I want it. I want it. Luckily it was the way there because honestly, if it had been the way back, it would have been much worse. Well, after a tour, I did Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And on Sunday I had two shows. Um,

Sunday. I would have rather I had to go backstage, rebuild my face from scratch. I had to pull out everything and rebuild it. Basically repaint the whole thing. Yes. That's fucking crazy. And then go to my other gig and it was at a gay bar and it was so fun though. Was it hard as well? Well, I'm used to performing. I love to perform for anyone. But,

But when you get to perform in a gay bar with gay men ignoring you, there's something very freeing and magical about that. Yeah. When you're a sexless clown, just gyrating in the corner. Yeah. Yeah. Versus, you know, girls from the suburbs worship me like Dr. Manhattan. Well, uh-oh, a little bit crazy. Yeah. There's like a little reality check to be somewhere where you're being ignored. I was like, oh, I guess I can just do my thing and have no pressure really. Totally. Yeah.

I didn't tell you about my other gig. I took this off the books because I didn't want to get canceled for being a pedophile. You did Children's Camp? No, I didn't. I took a little. I went with my friend who lives in Australia and Matteo and I went and played at the bathhouse in Perth. Now, you played at the bathhouse? They have a DJ booth. Oh. Steamworks Perth. It's raining, man. What did you do? No, I played like the good nasty dark where it's just like fat dark beats with like... Fat dark beats. Touch my body.

Like, you know, that type of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was really fun. It was fun to be in like a...

You know, they gave me a room to keep my DJ backpack in and it was like a bed with a sex TV. Hypodermic needle. With a sex TV playing. Yeah. And I just got to keep my stuff in there. Yeah. And then I like, they gave you a little towel. Oh, as a little face cloth. I know. I was like, I don't want to be like photographed in a towel DJing at the bathhouse right now. Right now. What'd you wear? I just wore like normal clothes. I was the only person there with a t-shirt on. Okay. Okay. It was really fun. Cuties? Cuties?

Cuties? Oh, hot people? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But then also not. Of course. It's a bathhouse. It's not queer as folk. No, it's the troll toll. It's the grocery store. It is the grocery store. It's the grocery store. It's the naked grocery store. It's Slither. It's Slither. It's Slither. But it was really, really fun. And I've never been to a Steamworks and it was Steamworks Perth. It was really, really fun. I'm dying. I'm really hoping you're going to say that there was somebody doing a water show like a mermaid man.

No. In the glass? No. No. But there's a hot tub by the DJ booth. I was like, wow, I could put on a long song. Put on our ultimate 10 minute remix of MacArthur Park. Hop in the pool. Go get in the hot tub for a little bit. Dunkaroo. Get gonorrhea. Whatever. You probably can't get an STI from a hot tub. You can probably get a fungal something, but that's probably it. I just got tested.

For what? SATs? No, I get tested every three months. Oh, for every full panel? Yeah. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing to speak of. Nothing exciting. That's a bummer. But you know that that's the best time to get tested is when you're like, if you get tested regularly, then if you have a scare, you don't have to combobulate and figure out how to get tested. I know. But it was fun because it was fun to play. Between the gay bar and the bathhouse, it was just like, I don't get to DJ. Besides precinct, I don't get to DJ anywhere.

in real gay bars very often. So it was like really fun. Do you ever play any Madonna music? Erotica? I play a remix of At Night, I lock the door so no one else can see. Let the music get into the groove. Get into the groove. I play a remix of that. And I play Vogue sometimes. I use the Vogue acapella over other songs a lot. Gotcha, gotcha. Dietrich and DiMaggio, I'll like loop that shit and use it. Okay, sure, sure. But there's not enough really good

Hung Up? I don't even play Hung Up. No, because I play Gimme Gimme and it's like the same song. I played Ding Dong at one of the parties. I know, I saw. It was so cute. It's so wonderful that people actually know the song. They were thrashing. I only played it one night. Because you were embarrassed. Yeah. While I was playing Rasputin and it's almost the same BPM and same key as Rasputin. Yeah. Although it's Russian folk influence. Yeah. So I mix into it and people just, they love Rasputin.

It's a great song. I also got Tomas to give me the stems of the acapellas. So I have all the acapellas of that if you ever want to hear your audio only. Oh, I got my stems. Yeah. Oh, I got my stems and a vase at home. Yeah. Well, it's like you, Ashley, and all the voice effects. But a lot of your performance is spoken. So that's a good acapella because you can use it over anything. Yeah. Also, oh, my God. Wait, wait. Oh, can I see? Speaking of stems, I have the stems for Ravioli, which are really great. Oh, yeah. And there's a lot of layered vocals, kind of like a choir effect. Yeah.

But we did that, a little thing for the Boulay brothers. And it was, I don't know if I can say, give it away. It was so nasty, girl. It's going to make me sick. It's going to make you sick. You'll have to look away.

It was so crazy. And so I showed up. We had this idea. I didn't know if it was going to work. It involved gore, it involved pasta, it involved blood, it involved little people. And it all came together at the last minute. But these poor hired actors didn't know that they were going to be shoveling fists full of bloody pasta out of my gut.

All day. For most actors, I think 90% of their job is to wear a button-up shirt and sit in the background of a scene and eat. I think actors are just happy to do something fun. I mean, there were two actors and the girl was an absolute trooper. She deserved a Purple Heart. We put her through the ringer. Did they know who you were? Or they were like, what is drag? Who are these people? She knew about drag. Yeah, she didn't really know about it. I think she might have known me, but wasn't impressed. She was on Little Women, the show.

I watched that. Yeah, she was fierce. Little Women of LA? Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, I watched that. Yeah, she was fierce and such a trooper. It was so gross. It was so gross. Yeah, I don't think I could do that. I think the very display of it would trigger like a response of don't eat that. Well, nobody was going to eat that. But weren't they eating it? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I was just putting it in my mouth. Not eating it, though. We were just scooping it out, singing. Hey, hey.

Hey, Mr. Scoopy Man, scoop up my... I don't like that. What do you think about God and religion and love? A lot of things. A lot of things. Did you know that Monet X Change used to date a woman and she said at one point, God, I can't date you. God doesn't like that. Or something.

Monet is a complex tapestry. She is a, she is the coat of many colors. She has to hang out with Bob. So she also has to need the purple heart. Do you know that my, do you know? Oh, she's in my dumb ass. I know she's bald. She's bald as a bitch. She's a bald bitch. Me, you Monet and Bob, we could put our heads together and it would look like, would you like cage free organic eggs or bleached white grocery store eggs? Yeah. Or gray expired eggs. Yeah. Um,

and she's got this unit on this long braided unit that her assistant is twisting up and all this kind of stuff. And as I'm leaving the, I was like, Oh, I was like, that's your hair. You thought it was her hair. I thought it was her hair for, for like a couple of seconds. I get up real close and I'm looking, I was like, Oh, that's a wig. And I just, did you also think that your wig was your hair? Well, I just left kind of quickly after that because I didn't want to stick around for any more questions.

And I just, I thought I was like, you know, there's sometimes where you like, you say something and do something. It's so it like, so just mind-blowingly idiotic. So stupid that you just got to leave. You got to get out of there. You got to forget about it. Yeah. Immediately. For sure. Yeah. It's so humiliating. Oh, you thought it was, you really thought for, for good. You really thought for three seconds. I was like, Oh, because, well, I don't have to explain yourself. Okay. There's nothing to say there. Okay. Um, the Brady bunch, but I don't know. Hilarious happened backstage with, cause you know,

I don't drink. No, but she more than makes up for it. Stop drinking. Brandon doesn't really drink. Mateo doesn't drink much at all. So we're all on tour with vanity. She's going to hold up the whole liquor cabinet. I know. She was like, you guys make, she was like, you guys make me out to be more of a drinker than I am. You guys tell stories about me. Oh no, she doesn't need any help from you guys. One of the nights she came back and she's like, she, Vanity likes to get a little,

Because Vanity loves to perform. But more than that, Vanity, as part of her service as a performer, she likes to, after she performs, walk and take pictures with fans. Yeah, yeah. Get a little drink at the bar. She likes to hang out with people. Yeah, Kiki. Kiki, feel the fantasy. But she walks through and she comes back and those bachelorettes, like there was, I guess, bachelorettes there? Yeah.

At my party. And they, yeah. A solid pink disco. Yeah. Which is, by the way, it's a better bachelorette experience than going. Penis at Dick's last resort. Yeah. I met one of the bachelorettes. I said, this is a really fun bachelorette party. Yeah. Good for you. But one of the city's vanities comes back to the dressing room and the alcohols hit her hard. And she's like, oh, the bachelorettes. They gave me shots and forced me to listen to stories about the divorces. Yeah.

She was like, she said groups of women are buying her shots and then forcing and then emotionally labor. Forcing her to do emotional labor. Yeah. Damn. She's so beautiful. I know. She's stunning. It's unreal. She's so, she's such a cunty painter. Cunty. She's doing these Barbie numbers. Oh, I forgot to tell you this. Oh,

So she's doing her number, right? And I have a costume that is one-armed, like a one-armed disco suit. It's like a Bob Mackie. One arm is fringe. Okay. And the thing about having a fringe suit is, and you're standing in front of a giant panel of hundreds of buttons. That fringe can get stuck on faders, knobs. Yes, yes, yes. Multiple times. And then what...

Vanity's doing her number. She's doing a Barbie, a totally her Barbie mega mix. She's like doing, this is my hair. She's doing hair by, you know, Gaga and I go to film her. So I have my iPhone and I'm leaning over the decks and I'm filming her and my strand gets stuck on the fader and the volume drops. No way. Immediately. And she looks behind her and I look at Mateo and I look down in panic and my fringe is wrapped around the fader and has cut the music.

So I slammed the music back on and I'm just smiling and I'm like, oh my God, how mortifying. That's horrible. And after that, I run backstage and I go, I'm so sorry. That costume got stuck on the fader. I said, I guess I shouldn't be wearing anything like sleeves. No. Or anything flouncy gets stuck on the fader. And then two nights later. It happened again. During the same part of the song, I was filming and it happened again. And she was like, again? I said, I'm so fucking sorry. I

Please tell me how it happened the third time. No, just twice. Thank God. But then another night I had that big crimped disco wig on. Love that, by the way. And I glued it on to death. Yeah. So I could move in it. Yeah, yeah. And I have my back to the audience and I'm shaking the shit out of it and they're cheering. The hair gets stuck on one of the faders and turns off the music again.

So I guess I need to wear... Turtlenecks and pussycats. Turtlenecks and bowl cut wigs. Yeah, turtlenecks and Dorothy Hamill DJ. DJ Dorothy Hamill up there. I was like, this is why Jodi Harsh is up here in a t-shirt. In a fried strip of bangs. Because her bangs are this long. They're not going to get stuck on anything. No, and they're just like little... It's like a paintbrush. So I learned the hard way. You have to costume appropriately. That's scary because pulling the plug on it... Pulling the plug on the music at a party is...

It's like 15 other people there dancing. Kiss of death. And in the middle of her number where they're all clapping. Oh, it's during her number. Both times it was during her number. And I felt so fucking bad. You should. She turned around and looked at me and I went, just pointed at my costume. Yeah. I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. Did you get her a bouquet of flowers or some cash? I had her killed. I thought she had a good run. Yeah, she did.

A lot of crying. A lot of crying. Crying? I think people can't hold their alcohol. So a lot of people in all pink outside the venue sobbing. Oh my God. Come on. We got to grow up. We got to grow up. We got to grow up. We got to grow up. A lot of crying. We got to grow up. We're not crying outside the gig. We got to grow up. I feel like the only person who's allowed to cry at a gig is if it's your bachelorette party and you're hammered. And even then. Don't do all that. Don't do all that. Mama, don't do all that. What do you think about crying? When's the last time you cried?

Maybe two weeks ago Watching The Whale No Well I cried Yeah I cried for The Whale Hong She makes me cry and everything Love her in Watchmen Watching her again Mama She is She's a scene stealer I graduated from MIT Three years later I bought it

And you got to watch her downsizing. I know. It's on my list. I just don't fuck with Matt Damon like that. But if you want to cry, watch her in downsizing. Okay. Watch it. What's the saddest movie you can think of? Something that would make you like. I'm not watching Brokeback ever again. Okay. I'm not watching Titanic ever again. Okay. Anything like that. I can't do that. Ruins my day. Okay. I don't leave buoyed by the human spirit. I leave downtrodden by the realities of the human experience. Right.

What about you? I would have to say it's probably like Kazam. Curly Sue. Uncle Buck. Uncle Buck. I fucking love Uncle Buck. No, I was probably like, you know, Steel Magnolias or something like that. I've never seen it. It's a really feel good. It's a fabulous film. It's so fucking gay. I've seen the one with Queen Latifah. Oh, my God. Oh, no, no. Yeah, we'd pretend that didn't exist.

Even my black friends are like, why did you watch that one? And I was like, because I'm just trying to be like, watch the coolest newest one. Mama, no, no, no, no. It's garbage. It was not the coolest newest one. It was fine. I wasn't, it didn't make me cry. I wasn't like moved. It's the original is so, it's just so gay. It's such a gay canon. Like, you know, it's like terms of endearment. It's like, um, um, whatever, you know?

But why is it called Steel Magnolias? Well, because the women are made out of steel. So they're beautiful and like... Yeah. But there's a point at the end where they say, when a character dies and... Is it Sandy or whatever? Shelby. Shelby. Yeah. And then the guy, like she's dying in the hospital and the husband and the father can't take it. And she's like, I thought men were supposed to be made of steel or something.

They were. It's very like, but it's all, you know, it's overwrought. It's melodramatic. I love a good, nasty, ugly cry. Like I almost puke. Like eyes bulging, so many tears. And then the snot is so much that I almost like choke. I love that.

When David cries, I cry. Really? Well, crying is very contagious. Yeah. We were talking about something the other day and he was crying and I was like instant crying. I mean, when you watch somebody you care about crying. Yeah. Oh, it's a wrap. It's a wrap. Oh my God. When my grandpa died, I remember we walked out to his deer stand, which is like, you know, in hunting you have like your deer stand. Of course. And we all walked out there as a group after the funeral with my grandma.

It was a year later. It was an anniversary. A year later, we all go. And I'd never seen my grandma cry. Something really crazy about seeing your mom or your grandma or your dad or something crying. Parents crying is so fucking crazy. And my grandma, who I've never seen cry in my life, not even at my grandpa's funeral. Not even at the funeral. Pours a shot. And we all have shots, right? And we're out at the deer stand. This is so... Smoky, smoky. Yes, we're all standing at a deer stand with a shot. And my grandma, I remember she was like...

She said, Ed. And then she started crying. And I remember seeing my grandma cry and being like, I will never recover from this. Fuck. It was the saddest shit I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. I've never seen my father cry. Never, ever once. He always cries around me. After he sinks his- Your dad is in incredible shape. Yeah. He looks just like you. Three hips. Three hips. Three hip surgeries, I mean. And a knee.

Your brother too. Yeah. Your family's all high and tight. Yeah. It's kind of a fitness family. Kind of fitness family. My family's a little bit the opposite. Yeah. A lack of fitness family. I got stage coach in two weeks. Now tell me, is this like Coachella but for country music? It's Coachella for folk music. Yeah. A folk music. I'm going to be honest. I'm a little nervous about getting, not picketed. I don't care if people pick at me. I'm a little nervous about getting shot. But you're going to be.

you're not going to get shot mary but and if you do maybe then what a way to go yeah not to be morbid but seriously it's better than falling down the stairs in the laundromat i'm the last person of the evening i'm the latest performance at what time 11 30 thank god it'll be cool hello thank you i think they offered me 11 30 or like 4 p.m and i said mama we're not doing that we're not doing pre-dusk no honey we're not doing pre-dusk and you know i don't want to complain but do it the

The pay is fine. Once you put in everyone's rehearsals, transportation. You're breaking even. We're hoping. Yeah. So I'm just trying to have a good time. I rented a tour bus for me and the band to drive from LA to the gig. Oh, that's fine. And pull up behind. That way in drag, I have a little dressing room like behind the stage. That's smart. A little bit of splurge. It's like,

$7,000, $8,000. Fuck. For the tour bus for the day. Yes. Oh, man. You're not going to take a nickel home. Well, luckily the next day at Stagecoach, I took a gig doing some correspondence, boots on the ground for someone else, for something else. And also this is a big experience. Of course. For your career. Stagecoach, so cool. And it's only 40 minutes, so I'm not nervous or anything. It's like, that's like eight songs since I'm talking.

you know got it in out in in india california is it the same place or no something please do it i think it's at the same place just places coachella is coachella right now coachella's this weekend and the next weekend yeah so this weekend's gonna be great because all those weird people will be out of la yeah melissa at the ridge is the same night as me and i'm gonna try you gotta go come to her window honey

go watch Melissa. Yeah, you do. I love her so much. Maybe you just get everybody to migrate, you know, if she had, it is also weird. Cause I've been doing like the EDM thing, DJing. And so it's weird to be like on this DJ tour and be like, all right, I'll play my folk music festival in two weeks. But listen, you, you, um, you do a lot of, I mean the auto harp, um,

I know. It's a very different. I want to play it there, but it is such an endeavor because it's such a fragile instrument. It's like 38 strings. I feel like that's a 300 seater instrument. But if I'm not going to play it. Well, you play it. It's hooked up to a microphone. You can hear it. I'm not going to play it at Stagecoach. When am I going to play it? Because I play it on video games. Okay. You know, your little cabaret residency off of La Cienega?

Thursday, Friday, Saturdays. Yeah. I'm doing at the butter shop. Yeah. Eight and 10. Yeah. Salt and straw. Can we talk about salt and straw? Dracula flavors. Do you like your blue cheese, olive, your blue cheese, olive and sour cream? Garlic Parmesan with meat sauce ice cream. How about some lacquered wallpaper? Saab Parmesan.

Paint chips? Exactly. I'm like, do you just have something normal? And they're like, we have vanilla. And I go, really? And they go, there's toenails on it. We have a great chocolate busted taillight. I know. So this is a raspberry ripple made from

Penguin blood. Yeah. Literally. You're like, what? I dipped my own tampon in this one for you. Yeah. It's crazy. Do what they're doing down at Ben and Jerry. Do what they're doing down at Cold Stone Creamery. Cold Stone Creamery. Birthday cake remix? Hug and Daz. Hug and Daz. Yes. Yeah. David's been buying these frozen ice cream snicker bars. How about them fat boys? You ever get into them fucking fat boys?

Fat boy. I get into fat boys, but not what you're saying. These ice cream sandwiches are, they're flipping the script on the whole game. I don't know what it is about these fat boys, but I'm gobbling them up and they're so delicious. And I think on that note. On that note, hey, have a fat boy. Have a fat boy. Have a great time and be gay.

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