An American Turkey in Paris with Trixie and Katya
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We are here. Hello. All right. Now it's Thanksgiving time, but I got to tell you about something. So, so much has transpired in the past two weeks that I haven't seen you. I went from having nothing to tell you to so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm all ears. Now, before we go back into having the same show every day and the same schedule every day and the same life. Yeah.

What did we do? Recently we said something to someone where we said the same response, same cadence, same like same intonation. Totally. It was in perfect. It was not harmony. It was like just that. And it was a sign to step away from it. Step away from the mic. It was like, absolutely. Or something like that. At the same time. It was so weird. So I had to DJ in Boston. Yeah.

Get in bed. Fly. Go to the airport at 530. Fly to New York. Go get in drag immediately. To jump on a bike with a seat missing. To jump on the Peloton bike. To do LOL Cody this show on Peloton. And it was so full circle.

I'm so shocked. No, no. I think that gig is amazing, but I'm so shocked of the wig choice. Not because it's ugly. Well, I don't want to wear a lace front to do exercise. Cause like, what if it slips or like, what if, and also I don't know what the lighting situation is going to be. So I just thought like bangs. So you thought big bangs. Go ugly. And then it can't ever look good. No, it's not ugly. No, it's just, it's just not your best wig. I felt hot and gorgeous. I'm sure you always do. I know you love that wig. I know you love that wig. But you know, I love stuff. I'm not saying you shouldn't love it.

But I'm saying it's just really ugly. You often look amazing. And so like you always feel amazing, which is so great. I mean, I, I mean, I speak for myself often. I feel great. Sometimes I don't look the best, but that wig is just not. I thought it looked like Suzanne Somers. Do you know who Suzanne Somers is? Yeah. Are you sure? From Three's Company. Yeah. Yeah. And she has kind of like the top pony, the side pony.

You know, in Three's Company, she'll have like little pigtails in her blonde hair with bangs. Those were not bangs. Yeah, they were. Those were, um, those were bluffs. My hair? Those were bluffs. Those were like dunes or something. They were, anyways, anyways, anyways. I would imagine you'd do like a snatched up ponytail. I suppose I could have done that. Away from the face. Because you don't sweat that much. And you know what? I had them, they came through for me with the air conditioning. And I, Cody was shivering. Shivering.

And Cody was wearing this Patrick Church collab that I just did. You know, Patrick Church. Yeah. I love him. Yes. I have a collab with him. I couldn't believe he even would make something with me. I love him so much. And he's cold and I go. Right. No,

And they were like, it's cold in here. And I told them a fabled tale of a little place called Netflix. Yeah. Like you, Oh, you think this is cold? You think this is cold? Yeah. Down there, down there at Netflix, they're floating at a door saying, I'll never let go. Yeah. It's a research facility in the Antarctic. Yeah. Yeah. We're talking to penguins. And it was actually really cold and it was a rather, um,

conversational workout. And so I thought it was going to fake the resistance the whole time, but it actually do the Peloton. So I got, you're very with aerobic exercises. You're really, yeah. And right when I started to get, Ooh, it's actually a little hot. It was over.

And so it wasn't that long either. So I didn't, it was nice. And then, you know, those, those instructors, I worked out for them in my ears on my screen for years now. And so I was honestly like a little starstruck. Yeah. Even though they came to our show, Matt and Cody came to our show in New York, but to have to see them in real life in their workout outfits with their headsets on. Yeah. That's weird. My mind was like,

you guys are like professional, famous fitness instructors. That's crazy. I was wearing a headset too, like the fitness headset. And it was, no, it was real. So I had the headset on and my gorgeous wig and my Peloton workout outfit. And I was like, this is, I'm pretending to be a fitness instructor, but doing it in a real fitness studio on maybe the world's number one, like

subscription based. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so fun and crazy. That's wonderful. That sounds like an amazing opportunity. And you know what else is crazy? I, but I, do you shit in your leotard? Well, Matt was in my like, uh, Matt Wilpers, the trainer was like in my ears a lot during my first marathon.

And so I had to be like, yeah, I just started doing it. And I said, to be honest, I just like, you know, never really believed in my body or didn't think I could do anything like that. And you guys really helped. I didn't cry, but I had like that very soft, like the break in the voice a little bit. Well, they probably hear that all the time where they, what they do, making exercise accessible to people who maybe are scared to be in a gym in front of people. They're so scared of exerting themselves because what if I don't do well? Right.

I was like, you guys really changed my life. That's amazing. I mean, I know I still don't have a six pack, but it's just like... Six pack is not necessarily an indicator of a health or whatever or well-being. I know plenty of people with six packs who are miserable fucks. That's true. How about that? That's true. And I understand that fitness is behind a paywall too. And I understand that not everybody can afford every version of fitness. Right. But running especially, free bitch.

Free. Yeah. But free. Yeah. Free. But also you can get back car really easy, which is also fine. Keeping it free. Like no money, but lots of stakes. And I was in New York. Yeah. And I, I, okay. I got to tell you. Sorry. Sorry. The greatest city in the world. We're in London flop. New York flop. Miami kind of turn kind of turn. So,

David came out with a movie called Please Baby Please. I want to see this. So it's showing in select theaters. It's starring Andrew Risberg, who's in The Grudge, the remake of The Grudge. Yeah. Demi Moore. Yeah. Cola Scola. Cola Scola. I forget the other actors' names. One guy was recently with Zoe Kravitz and they broke up. Let's look it up. So gorgeous. Unbelievably hot in this movie. It's called Don't Worry Darling. No, it's called Please Baby Please. Please Baby Please.

Is it Carl Gluzman? Yes, Carl Gluzman. And then the guy who plays Dudley in Harry Potter. Oh, that must have been Harry Melling. Harry Melling. Okay, yes.

David told me, because David made this movie in Butte, Montana during pandemic. I remember. I remember. And they shot it in the winter, in the bleak midwinter in Butte, Montana. Night shoots every night. What? Yes. Why? And very, you know, they're working in like, they built the sets in abandoned, I think like industrial style buildings. Yeah. So David would tell me how like freaking cold it was all the time. So the actors, it's that thing where when they all cut, coats come in and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I hadn't seen the movie. And this is something that I've never seen one of David's movies, like, without seeing cuts of it first. Or, like, you know, we worked on the TV show together. Like, you know. And David was like, you know, it's an art film. And I'm not very versed in, like, art house art films. Like, where concept and stuff comes before, like, maybe direct narrative. Or narrative. Yeah, narrative or, like, yeah. But I was like, you know what, David? You're probably making it sound like it's so weird. I said, you know what? I love the movie Rocky Horror. I would say that's pretty weird. I would say...

That is pretty strange. It's also a musical, but it has a narrative though. Yeah. But it's highly stylized. Yeah.

You got to see this movie. I want to. Because the whole time. How long is it? Not that long. Thank God. The whole time I was thinking, this movie isn't probably for me, but this whore will probably love it. Well, just from, it looks very, it looks very splashy and very visually juicy and saturated. It's like opulent and saturated and super stylized. They're talking in almost like heightened language. Okay. Like it's almost like,

West Side Story energy? No singing? Oh, thank God. Cole sings one song. Oh, that's fine. He can sing only once. He can sing out of his asshole for all I care. It had the look of it. It had the visual look of a Gregor Rocky movie. Have you seen any Gregor Rocky movies? He did a bunch of movies called Nowhere and Doom Generation. They're

They're really, really super, super bright and very gay and like very bizarre. A lot of them are quite bizarre. The only thing it could remind me of, honestly, and I'm not overselling, but the only thing I could think of was my roommate in college made me watch Eraserhead.

But Eraserhead is, but that's actually good. But you know, Eraserhead's kind of like. That's like, if you want to talk about, you want to mention a weird movie, you say that one. That was my first movie where I was exposed to where I was like, what's happening? It's fucking weird. But, but it's not boring. No, it's effective. Yeah. And this movie was effective. Yeah. I got everything presented. Oh, wonderful. But they weren't leading the story.

you as an audience member on a leash. Okay. They were painting and using these big strokes and being like, what do you think? That's great. Which I guess I'm just not used to. Yeah. And so when David said it's, you know, sometimes he would come home from set and be like, this movie is amazing. And then sometimes he would come home and be like, this movie is amazing. We might be making the craziest movie ever. And so me as somebody who my favorite movie is fucking drop dead gorgeous. I'm not exactly a big brain movie critic. Well, but you are a big brain comic book.

critic now that's true and so it I'll tell you a little bit about it it opens with this couple it's sort of like it's sort of like crybaby like grease 50s like um stylized energy okay

And it opens with them witnessing a gang brutally murder a couple. Whoa. And then they both start having extremely violent and sexual fantasies. That I remember from the trailer. Demi Moore talking about it. Yes. Demi Moore giving a long, I don't want to give away too much, a long monologue about

about how she just wants to get choked. Not enough to hurt her, and then she's choking herself moaning. Demi Moore. It's really a crazy movie. It sounds great. It was very beautiful and effective. David told me to go get a little weed. Oh, absolutely. So I was in New York and I went to buy weed. I should have brought mushrooms with me. God damn it. I went to the weed place and I said, give me the marijuana that you would give your mother who has cancer and has never smoked before.

Cause I want a mom who has cancer. I'm going to say that's like heavy duty. Well, I thought a woman who wouldn't be inclined to smoke, maybe she has cancer and it's a form of treatment. So she wants the entry level. I would have said, give me the kind of weed you would give to a sorority girl whose, whose artistic boyfriend has taken her to a three hour film. That is more what I should have said. Yeah. But luckily they gave me this little marijuana. Okay. And so I know,

Now you smoke it now. It was a pre-rolled marijuana cigarette. Was it a pre-rolled mini? It was a pre-rolled mini. I love those minis are fierce. They're teeny tinies. And I said the lowest dosage please. I said I don't even smoke. It's just a regular CBD. The later was a dollar. A dollar? A dollar. So then I'm in the street trying to light it. I light the wrong end at first. Of course you do. This is amazing. I love watching people smoke cigarettes. By the way, I don't know why this ever happens. I was holding it like this. Yeah, like they're like...

It's so funny to me. The first thing I did was put the lighter by my face and the cigarette here. And then I went, well, that's wrong. And then I switched it. And then I realized I was lighting the filter side because nothing was happening. Fuck. And then when I finally flipped it around, I was so scared of it. I was like, cough, cough, cough, cough. Yeah. But it was like baby puffs because I was so scared of, I don't want to be too high for this movie. Yeah.

Loved the movie. Loved the movie. And the drugs probably helped because it made me more like, what's going on here? Yeah. Interested. Curious. I think my goldfish brain, I think otherwise would have been frustrated by the lack of like, I need Hansel and Gretel breadcrumbs in a storyline. You know how to follow and predict a plot though. Maybe just like those shitty Lifetime ones. But, you know. I mean, should we talk about Watchmen? No.

I finished it for the second time. I cried. You cried. I think crying during a reading is one of the most, just one of the most beautiful things ever. No, seriously. It's just so gorgeous. The chapter where Dr. Manhattan's like, nothing ever ends. We can't get into that. Now I'm reading The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, The Tempest, the fourth and final installation of Alan Moore's seminary work. Okay, fabulous. And it's very British, so I always read it when I'm here.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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What's happening? Are we in trouble? No. So while we're at the book signing at book soup, um, the, uh, what was that? The seven and a half hours? Um, you're being funny. We met almost 500 people at our book signing. Yeah. I mean, to be honest, to be fair, I wish I had known. I wish I would have planned a different outfit. Um, I wouldn't have been tucked in. Um, I don't know why I was tucked. I probably was just feeling like I was really comfortable. Yeah.

Oh, the AC. Air conditioning. Book soup in LA. That was the Spacho. They came through for us. That was Inuit. It was the Iditarod. It was melted ice cream in the fridge. It was incredible. That soup was cold and chilly and served to perfection. And the staff was so nice. And everybody who came to meet us, everybody. Really was so nice. Why are the book meet and greet people the nicest people I've ever met?

I don't know. Oh my God. And then nobody said crazy, crazy thing except the one wonderful thing, which I hope we haven't repeated. So we have it. So, so, so the, uh, uh, uh, a couple, a guy and a girl were dressed as cowboys and I think there were French cowboys. It was funny. It was weird how they were explaining it. And, um, and Trixie was talking about how,

you know, it's so nice that you convinced him to dress up because a lot of times the guys don't want to get, you know, they don't want to be dragged along in a costume. And, and then he, you started to insinuate that you're going to get some tonight, you know? And then she's like, Oh yeah, I'm going to eat his ass. No, but she said it like, Oh yeah, I'm going to eat his ass.

Cause you were trying to like tip. You weren't trying to be just a vulgar innuendo. Like, Ooh, you're going to eat a little something special later. She's like, Oh yeah, I'm going to eat his ass.

And she was like a really young, cis, hetero, straight girl. They were both hot. And I would want to see that. I'm sorry to say. Sorry to that man. There were some men there to meet us. Yeah. Very hot and sexy type of guys. The thing is, I'm not going to flirt with them because I wouldn't flirt with them out of drag. And I'm not going to flirt with them in drag. And so they're there. But I can't let them walk out of here without telling them that I think they are so beautiful. So that one big, tall, blonde, muscly guy. Oh, yeah. You wanted to root in his cellar. I said, I love, he wasn't dressed up. And I said, I love your costume.

What is that? A cheap slut? It's like trying to flirt by insulting someone. The guy who's going to fuck me later. Oh, that's what I should have said. Oh, there was some really hot guys in that line for sure. And before, since you were so very late and I arrived on time and in fact a little bit early, I had time to peruse the bookstore and I picked up this incredible looking tome. Now this is the cover of a book.

This is so, this is a dramatic actress. Do you know what I mean? This is the coverage. You own the beauty of living twice. And I just want to read you the first. Is it crazy? Death becomes me is the first chapter. Death becomes me. I opened my eyes and there he was standing over me just inches from my face. A stranger looking at me with so much kindness that I was sure I was going to die.

He was stroking my head, my hair. God, he was handsome. I wished you were someone who loved me instead of someone whose next words were, whose next words were, you're bleeding into your brain. That's how the book starts? It's the first paragraph. Oh, it's like a stroke book. A better stroke, yeah. About other stuff, I'm sure, but yeah. This is what it takes.

This is what it takes. Sharon Stone, everybody. She follows me on Instagram. I'm so jealous. I'm so jealous. I got to check. I'm pretty sure I checked and she does not follow me at all. I'm flattered, but you know, I don't stand her as hard as you do. I love her in Total Recall and I love her in Casino. Well, I don't stand her. I'm fascinated by one of the, you know,

last great movie stars of like a bygone era, like of the age before social media. You know what I mean? Real movie stars. And I, you know what? This is controversial. I love her in Catwoman. I know it's probably not a movie everyone loves, but I think she's so good in Catwoman. I think that everybody fucking shot the bed in Catwoman. Um, Sharon Stone. This is what it takes. Yeah. She follows me. It's not fucking crazy. It's like my, it's my pride and joy that she follows me. She follows Michelle.

She does not follow me. Check. Can you search me? Because my Instagram doesn't work. She follows Katy Perry. Oh. Not you. What's going on with your Instagram? Is it for the best? It's glitching. It doesn't work. So now I spend more time on Twitter, which is even worse. Sharon. What? Sharon. Oh, my God. Okay. It's a child. I thought this was a kid who got beat the hell up. That's pie. That's food. No shit. It looks like violence. No, it doesn't. That looks like chocolate syrup. Well, have you seen this? Her new crying video? Girl. Is it about Korea? Yeah.

It's an enigma. She's an enigma. She keeps us guessing. Yeah. And apparently, well, I shouldn't say, but she has, I guess somebody told me that she has one of those dry cleaning things that for her clothes. That's sickening. I know it's sickening. That's not a sign of crazy. That's a sign of success. Of course it is. Yeah. It's a luxury thing. But so it's Thanksgiving. This is an abbreviated episode because we have so much to be, so much turkey to eat later.

So much turkey. I have plans for Thanksgiving. What are you doing? David, his mom, and his sister are flying to Paris to have Thanksgiving with me. Isn't that lovely? That's really nice. David's sister used to work in Paris. I guess it would be a shame, you know, if I were to spend it all alone, but I'm totally prepared to do that. I would never stoop so low as to like beg for an invitation to your dinner, but so I guess I'll just... Do you want to come? No, no, no, no. I couldn't bother. I wouldn't want to be in

imposition, would want to impose, probably start crying at the table. The only reason I didn't invite you is because... Because I'm not Jewish. No. Are you going to convert to Judaism? I would. Yeah, I think you should. If Dave and I were a child, I would want the child to be Jewish. Manischewitz. Manischewitz-Guberman. That's what you name him. Well...

I don't, I'm so like, you're going to have a child. I'm so Jewish ignorant about names that I only recently in the last few years started to realize it's really easy. Gold, Goldstein, silver. Yeah. But I didn't know that. Okay. And he's like, when I was like, Oh, David would be like, you always like the Jewish guys. And I'd be like, how do you know? It's like, I love Jesse Eisenberg. Is he Jewish? And he was like, of course he is. I'm like, well, how do you know that? And I didn't know that the name was a lot of it. It's like Tova Goldsmith. Yeah.

That's a Jewish person. You know what I mean? Yeah. But now you do. And now you'll have to know a lot more once you would learn, you know, do your Torah and do all that stuff when you convert to Judaism. Like Yentl.

Wait, is that... I've never seen Yentl. She dresses as a man so she can study the Torah because only men were allowed to study the Torah. That's just one of the guys. Yeah. Totally. You've never seen Yentl? No, but that's just one of the guys who's obviously ripped off a Yentl. I agree. She dresses as a guy so she'll get taken seriously as a journalist. That's exactly what happens. Yentl. And Yentl... They make a Yentl joke in it. But in just one of the guys...

And one of the guys, there's like a lesbian thing. Uh-huh. But in Yentl. There's full on sex scene. No, no, no. She's a man. And she starts to have romantic feelings consensually with another man studying the Torah. And the other guy is like confused because he's like, I'm not gay. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And then Barbra Streisand eventually literally removes her hat and her and gold hair falls down. And she's like, you're a woman. We didn't know. Yeah. We didn't know. In what world do we not know that Barbra Streisand is not a man? Well, if she's not singing life's candy and the sun's a bowl of butter, you know, it's hard to tell.

I don't know. It's like Tootsie. The absurdity of that movie, Tootsie, Dustin Hoffman, dog, that dog show, that fucking Terry Garr or I don't know if it's Terry Garr. Terry Gross. Or no, that one of the older leads of the soap opera would catch the vapors for Miss Dog Show 92. Yeah.

By the way, did you listen to the newest Nymphowars? I am halfway through it. It is so fucking funny. That intro. If you don't, by the way, it's a podcast. If you don't subscribe to Nymphowars. You're out of control and you're out of your, you're out of your mind. The sad thing is once you listen to Nymphowars, you're never going to come back here. You're never going to come back to us. No, you'll never come back here. That intro was the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. I listened to it twice. It's,

So, so, so good. Those two women, Macy Rodman and Theta... Theta talking about how she's been in a hole cooking blue meth. Cooking blue crystal meth during several seasons of Breaking Bad. I mean, it's just so... By white nationalists. Forced to do... Kidnapped by white nationalists. And just...

Yes. I mean, you think that, so you people love to talk about our chemistry, but they just have like non-stoppable electricity. It's amazing. I wonder if they smoke weed. I think probably maybe a little bit. I don't know.

But then it does all the sound effects. Their ability to like, yes. And each other. It's into oblivion. It's so great. And they, and they, they, it's, it's so wonderful. I hate it when people talk too much about like the mechanics of comedy, but they really do have that. Like, cause they're laughing constantly throughout. It's never all that serious. Yeah.

I mean, you know what I mean? Like they don't take it too seriously, but it's, you know, when people laugh too much, it's like, Oh, shut up. Get on with it. We'll have too much their own shit too. Yes. That's what I mean. Like when you're improv and it's like, okay, you're not that funny girl. Like you got to give something to the crowd. They have the perfect balance. It's so good.

So, so funny to me. Well, they try not to laugh the whole time, which is what makes it so good because then when they do finally build to something that's so ridiculous. Like Ann Dowd coming out of the events and killing Terry Gross and Scott Barnes or something. Yeah.

Or like Scott, the Scott Barnes in person is like, well, I'm going to walk around with the, the Scott Barnes. It's like, I, and also the low tech of it. I'm going to leave the room and the guest is going to come in and you hear them walk away and a door open and close. Yeah.

They really are amazing. Go listen to them for K and F W is long hauled radio. It's a terrestrial radio for long haul truckers in the flyover country. And you'll never regret a moment of it. It's amazing. So the true tragedy of it was when they went on a hiatus and I had this, I had the knife up to my wrists. No, I'm watching the office for the third time this year. No, but the human brain doesn't work like that. We need new, we need fresh. We need in order to live. That's how it is with porn. Would you ever watch the same porn twice?

I wish you knew even a little bit about that. Nobody knows the inner work. The trouble I see. Nobody knows but Jesus. If you knew about these troubles, that question would make you cackle. Sometimes when I was twirling the pookie, I would watch the same porn for five hours. Like in a loop? Uh-huh. Was there something in the repetition about it you liked? Yeah, it's almost like a trance-like thing. It's just a weird...

Crazy stuff. Yeah. Oh, I've watched this. Yeah, I'm very familiar. But that's how I am with everything. I'm a repeater of everything. Me too. Same food. Same music. Same shows. I never get sick of songs that I love. I've been listening to, I mean, I could listen to the Russian version of Chicago probably, I probably have like 700 times. Never get sick of it. I think that's okay. I love it. I'm not complaining. Well, David and I, well, I don't think I told you this. David and I just had our six year anniversary. Six year. Can I tell you something? Yeah.

I love that man so much. I know you do. I think that's so awesome. I love that for you. He doesn't listen to the podcast, so I don't care that he's not going to hear this. He doesn't listen to the podcast. No, I love that he doesn't listen to the podcast. That's real love. When people are like,

I was in Boston. Raphael was like, where's David? I said, living his own body is less interested than seeing me in drag at this point than David fucking Harrison silver. I know I'm number two. I'm yeah. Everybody in my close orbit is like, we get it. We fucking get it, girl. We get it.

The only people who are impressed by me are people who never have to see me. Yeah. I mean, it's, but it's, yeah, I love, he's so great. I love, I love him too. He's, he's, he's really, really, we haven't seen each other that much this year. And so it's been kind of a weird year, but he just really is really, really good to me. Is that the number one thing you're grateful for this Thanksgiving season? David? Yeah, honestly. I mean, it's really like, and you know what else really works too? We really like each other's family.

And when you don't like each other's family, it's very important. It's very easy to take it for granted when you like each other's family. But anybody out there can tell you when you don't like someone's family, it affects everything. Well, it's, it sets you on it because if you're thinking longterm, it sets you on a very different course of action. Yeah. There's, um, I've met people who have very tough relationships with their family and, um, others who have great relationships with their family. And let me tell you, when you just fantasize ahead, um,

you know that the ones with the good relations of the family are just it's you're kind of guaranteed to have some kind of longevity as long as you guys can figure it out yeah when i uh whenever i started hanging with david's mom i remember one time i was like in drag and kind of drunk i don't know what was into me and i go and david's mom's so glamorous right she wears like all black like very fancy blonde yeah she's so gorgeous and glamorous and i remember i was like you know i love my mom i said i my mom's like you know i said i've never had like a

metropolitan, glamorous mom before and she was like, well, now you do. Which was like so cute. I would get along with that type of mom. Oh, yeah. Because I was friends with all those teachers, all those older women. Love that. My brother and I are taking my whole family on a skiing trip next spring. I'm worried about that. Skiing is very dangerous. Says who? Sonny Bono? Natasha Richardson. Dead. Natasha Bedingfield, though. Alive. Yeah. And... Sean White.

That's snowboarding. He's alive. Snowboarding. Skiing is two snowboards. Did she get hurt? You broke her leg in Working Girl. In the movie. Still never seen it. I'm grateful that I never have to ski again in my life. What are you grateful for? I'm really grateful for I'm grateful for It's a big year for you.

Car, house, boyfriend. Yeah, I'm grateful for... Weight gain. Well, that case fluctuates. You never know. You know what I mean? I'm grateful... This is successful weight gain for you. I'm grateful for the... I'm grateful for the job because I'm grateful for the ability to buy stuff and not have to think about it. To have the freedom from the fear of financial insecurity. That's so wonderful. And I'm grateful for the lemons and limes in my backyard. Yeah.

I gotta tell you. Lemons. It makes you feel like you are Gina Davis at the end of Long Kiss Goodnight when you get to go outside, pick a lemon, and like put it in water. Mama, it makes me feel like Ina Garten and I'm the barefoot cunt Tesla. This is what you have to do. My old roommate used to do this and it made me feel so fancy. What? Lemon. You cut it, dice it. Yeah. Put them in

The ice trays. Pour the water on it. And then when you put your ice cubes in your water... They have slices of lemon inside, trapped inside. Yes. Well, get this. I don't even have ice trays. I got a nice machine. What? Yes. That's rich. I know. That's really rich. The appliances in my place are off the chain. I don't even know how to work the oven. You're going to learn to cook now. I've just figured out the microwave of the top part. There's two things. And apparently someone who knows how to cook is like, oh, yeah, this is fierce. Do you know how to like...

pan fry a vegetable or like do you know how to like let me tell you what let me tell you what i did the other night i put a i put a pot i filled it with water i put on the stove i turned the stove on so that it would boil uh-huh it boiled i put the pasta inside it the ravioli in fact then i took the sauce out of the can into another saucepan and put over the thing yeah i made pasta and ate it wasn't it great it was lovely i gotta tell you sometimes

I mean I like eating out but especially when I'm home I just want to make it myself yeah we went to the restaurant of the street it was packed so we went back home we went to the grocery store and then we made food are you going to have a Christmas party? I want to it depends on this is so bougie it depends on whether the renovations are done because I want to have an outdoor winter wonderland outdoors what are you renovating? you've never been over my house yet no one invites me well I would invite you but I don't see you did this with me the other day I would invite you but I didn't think you'd want to come

It's three tiers of it's a huge, the view, Mary, you go up to the third tier, it's a panorama view of the city. It's incredible. I didn't invite you to my Thanksgiving, but I'm saying, why haven't you invited me to your house? Thank you. Thank you. And then the other day with the Harvey Guillen, we were like going out to Harvey Guillen. I was like, oh, wow. Thanks for the invitation. That was so sweet of you. I was like, you're going to be sick of me. You'll know when I'm sick of you because I'll look at you. Everyone's sick of me. No, no, no, no, no.

I think we all know everyone's sick of me. So we are very grateful for you listening to this podcast because we never thought it would last more than three episodes, but she persists. Can I tell you something else that happened to me? Yeah. So I was leaving Milwaukee in a hurry and I said, you know what, I'm going to call my sister. I'm going to pay her to go clean my condo for me. And that way when I come home in December, the trash is taken out, the dishes are done, et cetera. What did she do? I made the bed before I left. I left the dirty towels in the wash without starting it.

I put the dishes in the sink. She comes in and she calls my mom and tells my mom that the place is a pigsty and it's embarrassing and it's a wreck. And my mom calls me and says, your sister said it's really bad. So, and I said, well, have it been robbed or something? I said, is it? I mean, I put the throw pillows back. I put everything away. What's the problem? The trashes are full. I said, did you?

I was paying you to come over here and take a lap just to take some Instagram photos or whatever. And by the way, I grew up in the same trailer as her. Yeah. I know we know what dirty is. Yeah. This is not dirty mama. Get it right sis. Damn. Trailers. You don't pour David sweet little Dave. Wait, have you ever been in a trailer? I have. Yeah. Sweet little poor David. I said, have you, you've never been in a trailer. He's never been in a trailer. I cannot imagine. He's never been in a trailer. It's shocking for people. Well, has he been in an RV? Cause that's similar.

It is the tour bus, basically. Well, that's not really similar to a trailer that someone lives in. That's true. Would you ever have a tiny home? If you didn't do drag, let's say. Well, I don't. My house is small. Oh, I found the square footage. I think it's like...

900 square feet? Oh, okay. That's small. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? That's small. For a freestanding house? Yeah. That's small. But the real jewel is the giant backyard that goes up and up and up. And there's a garage. To me, like, a tiny house is, I don't understand. I think it's like a white person fantasy thing. People who have access to big houses, they fetishize tiny houses. Right.

But like, I want to live in a space that I can clean by myself. And this one is the perfect, like I have a downstairs gym, full bathroom with shower. Then I have, um, you have a gym. Well, I have, it was a downstairs bedroom that I turned into a gym. Then you go upstairs and they have the main bedroom with, um, the full shower and bathroom. And then you have a giant living room with the dining area and in the kitchen. And then you go out onto the deck and it has the whole backyard. It's very, it's not huge. It's not like, um, it's,

By no means this giant house at all. It's quite small. But the area is great. And the yard is just like that. That was the whole reason I bought the house. Are you going to put mirrors on the walls in your gym?

I did. I had them all mirrored out. You already had it done? Yeah. It looks fabulous. Fabulous. I got the weight bench. I got the TRX. I got the, I put the gym floor down. What is TRX? It's just that, you know, those cables. You own one of those? It's just, mama, there's just little cables that you do on the wall. The TRX is just the thing that hangs from the wall. Oh,

Oh, I thought it was one of those like giant machines. No, no, no, no. I would love to have one of those. I got the weight bench. I just got it delivered today. You should get one of those like pre-core towers where you can move the handles up and down. Oh, yeah. So you can do pushes or legs. You know what I want to get? I want to get the bars like at the Yoga and Pilates studios. Get it. I want to get it all. Do you like working out outside? I do. The deck is great. Because Barlet works out outside. It's wonderful. Yeah. I love it. If it's like the right. That'd be good for energy. Yeah. Take your shirt off. Oh, yeah. Get some sun. Get a little sun. Grateful for the sun.

You know, we've never done an episode of on exercise. I find that hard to believe we've done apparently fitness. We've done peeing and pooping like 14 times. I've never done an episode on exercise. That's crazy. Have we done the radio? The radio? Terrestrial radio? Terrestrial radio? Have we done absentee voting? What do you mean? Eyebrow threading at the mall? Yeah.

Have we done piercing for Voda? Have we done fixed 0% APR financing on home loans? Have we done spaying and neutering your pets? We did animals. We had real animals in the studio. Have we done outdoor halogen lighting? No.

Wait, have we done citronella candles? Chinese aphrodisiac cooking? Have we done LASIK? Coffee enemas? Yeah, LASIK. LASIK? Reverse detransitioning after 40. Yeah, like what? I mean, shit. God. This is probably getting to be a full episode. This is enough. However... We're only supposed to do 25 minutes.

Well, they get what they get. What's going to happen? Are we getting in trouble? No, I'm saying this could have been another full episode. Oh, well, maybe it is. It's a Thanksgiving episode. It's just, hey, we're giving. Yeah, we're giving. Thank you. So we'll give. This is your go to the table, get seconds. Did you see Caitlyn Jenner call that person a woman with a penis? I'm going to say this. Caitlyn's wild. I'm going to say this. You know, that bitch is ugly as fuck.

I think it's like... It's a combination of stupidity, the politics. No, no, not stupidity. It's like imagine being... Privileged. You're still wet behind the ears as a member of this community. And imagine the brazenness of speaking like you are the last and final word of what it means to be this gender expression. Yeah. Or this identity. Well, Nikki Glaser had a funny thing because she was at a roast. And Nikki Glaser was like...

You know, you might have only been a woman for two weeks, but I know deep in my heart you've always been a cunt. T. You know. T. Something like that. But they had Ann Coulter at this. Speaking of roasts. Oh, I've seen that one. Oh, my God. I've seen all those roasts. I was watching roasts because I had to do, I was watching Natasha Leggero. Her work at these roasts is. It's amazing. Is.

I don't like roasts. I don't even like stand-up comedy that much anymore. Hers were fucking hysterical. Like, I was laughing out loud. She eats. She's so fucking good. Aziz Ansari jokes. It was like, now you've received India's highest honor. Soap. Like, it's just so crazy. And I was-

I remember that clip. I remember that clip. The boner break. She was like, yeah, I remember. I didn't see the whole thing. The roast of Alec Baldwin, unwatchable. Bruce Willis. Because Demi Moore comes out as a surprise and does a set. And it's not great. Oh, there's a reason she's a dramatic actress. She collects Barbie. Oh, that's fun. I mean, I'm sure she's a lovely woman. Check her out on Please Baby, please. But it was just, I just don't know that I could ever...

I mean, first of all, I could do it. I could do it. I could do it. I'm too easy to make fun of. I could, I wouldn't get offended, but that's why it's fun to participate. No, we're not doing a roast thing. I couldn't do it, but I would have done it. They were going to roast me. Yeah. And I honestly was like, I'm not that famous enough.

That's the thing, I'm not that famous enough either How hard is it to roast a drag queen? Especially me, if you do the most cursory little research on me It's like, okay, drug addict, whatever, like mess Or like me, pretty thin, like, you know, successful But I was just like, you roast people who are Megastars And gorgeous and perfect and rich You don't roast the underlings Why was Ann Coulter there?

The fact that she agrees to go is so sickening. And also I was sickening and also I'm looking at her face and trying to read her because of course. She didn't laugh at any of the jokes about her. No. And she has this, this face that is like, I interpret it as, as like a, it's like a, like all the muscles in her face are like working real hard to keep it just like. Discomfort. I'm like, what are you doing? What are you doing up there? Maybe she's a glutton for punishment. I don't know.

What's-her-face said she and Hitler have so much in common. Nobody cares about their art until they started roasting people. Oh, my God. Ann Coulter just put out another book. Her first one was Mein Kampf. Yeah. So good. I mean, they just laid into her. You know what, though? If you're Ann Coulter and you're going to do a roast, you lay down and take it right up the pussy. Right up the pussy and ass. And ass. No lube. Yeah. All right. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. Get your turkey spayed and neutered. Bye.

Bye. Bye.