An X-Rated X-Ray with Trixie and Cyborg Katya
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I am in drag. I was just going to say, let's address the teeny tiny little baby elephant in the room. The drag is on. Well, you know, with you taking, what do you call it? A gratuitous leave of absence for no reason? Flagrant disregard for work is what I like to do. I thought I would take this opportunity to, you know, just remind everyone that I'm fucking gorgeous.

You like teal eyeshadow? I do. I love it. Love it. I particularly love the way you applied it to your eyes, Miss Mattel. Oh, God. Thank you. You know what, though? I used a highlighter, a pink highlighter as a blush. I was like, I'm going to switch it up. What do you mean a highlighter? No pigment, all texture. Like a pen? No, like a powder shimmery highlighter. Oh, okay. Gotcha. I was like, I'm going to use it as blush. Instant texture.

I was just like, okay, let's powder over that. I had to fix it all. Let me see what's going on texture-wise on your face. You're looking very smooth and lovely. Am I really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, wow. You don't look like Sandpaper City. No, the foundation looks good, right? Yes. This is Urban Decay, the Quickie. It's a concealer used as foundation. And I can tell you have not sweated a drop. I have not. Yes. Dry matte t-shirt. We actually, for once, have a lot to talk about. And I'm thrilled because I'm so sick of talking about the weather, bitch. Oh.

Last podcast, we went through a list of drag race outfits and said what we liked. Yeah, we, oh my God. Talk about low hanging fruit. Low hanging fruit. Fruit that's been ripened and rotted on the ground. Will you please put my sock on? Speaking of which, low hanging fruit. Yeah, what's going on there? So I can't, I don't have like great flexion in my, I just can't put on my right foot and I have to hold it up a little bit. Oh yeah. This is the leg.

This is the leg. I saw you six days ago. Yeah. And you could barely stand. Remember I came to your house? Oh yeah, you did. But you were like waddling. That was like four days out. Oh yeah, maybe it has been that long. Can I just? Oh no, no, no. Yeah. If you get the, okay. Oh my God. You see how great my ankle is? You love that? Love it. Thank you very much. I think I can get it from there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dry fit, baby. Oh, I love it.

Luck of the Irish. Oh, thank you so much. Now, would you have digitally extracted my feces? Because this is the part I can do. Oh, thank you. Can I have that? Isn't that great? I just want to shout out, this is wacky wacko. I have several. I love this towel. I got the beach towel too. It's amazing. Seth Bogart, incredible artist. Love him. Friend of the show. Friend of the pod. I see you maybe two days after the surge. Yes.

Now, we are affectionately calling your surgery your bottom surgery. Yeah, because it happened below the waist. Yes. Anterior total arthroplasty on the right side. Whoa. Yeah. Okay, so I see you two days after and you're... A bitch? I kind of thought you would be on pain pills like... No, they gave me fucking bullshit tramadol. Now, what...

Tramadol. Tramadol. For the doll? It's not for the doll. It's trauma for the doll. It's trauma for the doll. Right. Because there's no pain relief whatsoever.

I'm on a whole cocktail. It's like they took a big trail mix and said, here, wash this down with some ginger ale. You'll be fine. Right. It's not great. But the procedure these days is so lovely, so streamlined. And never mind the fact that my surgeon continues to be the most sexually attractive man in my... Why would that have changed? Do you think he would wake up from anesthesia and he would be like... You never know. He could be old man winter. Anything could happen. You're not alive. Right. Well, it happens. You're alive. What?

You're not awake. You're not conscious. I don't want you to get naked, but I saw the legs. They do the sutures under the skin. It literally looks like- How do you know that? You showed it to me. I got to show you again. You must have been on paid meds when I was at your house. No, I got to show you. Yeah, this is fierce. It really looks like nothing happened.

What would you do if I pulled my pants down and I had no genitals whatsoever? No, this is what I want. You're like, let me show you my scar. And you pull on your pants and you are purple dick rock hard. And you just don't mention it. Throbbing. Throbbing. Throbbing. Aching. Heartbeat in the dick. Don't worry about that. I went to my family. Whoa. It really looks like nothing. How do they do? I mean, I guess modern medicine. Look at that. It's just a little dirt. Wow.

Pretty good. How much was it? Can I ask? It was with my wonderful Blue Cross health insurance, all things with my cane, $4, $4.50. That's a good deal. It's a great deal. It's a must. $5,000 still. It was still $5,000 deductible and all that stuff. I know. The anesthesiologist had his own little racket going on. Oh, mama, the anesthesia is more expensive than the anesthesia Bieberhausen. Yeah. I was like,

While I'm in the hospital, I should make the most of it. Shit myself, piss myself, start screaming, give the whole full English. Do you know what I mean? Oh, totally. How was the food at the Hoppy Dill?

I liked it. Yeah, honestly. I liked it. These people griping about like bad hospital food must have, I don't know, they must live with Gordon Ramsay. The food I get at the hospital is better than the food I get at home. Also, Mary, the hospital is not a place to really exercise your gourmand side. Right. It's not the Bacchanal in Vegas. Well, I had my spleen removed, but that pate was rotten. Come on. So what have you got to tell me about? Okay. So, well, I just, I'm really happy you're healing so well. Yeah. Put that away.

It's not that type of pod. Sometimes dead is better. Yeah. Well, since I saw you, I, in no shock, was in drag almost every day. I had Stagecoach Festival a Friday and a half ago. Now, I cannot get out of my mind the fact that you're not performing in the back of a covered wagon. It was almost Dr. Quinn.

Medicine woman. Medicine woman. So it's hot. I'm there all day. I get to meet Melissa Etheridge. I'm thrilled. I saw the photo. She looks great, by the way. Yeah, I go, oh my God, she's on the same stage as me, but she's way later in the day. I wonder, I said, I just have to, if I get a chance. I'm driving by in a golf cart and I see her and I yell, stop.

And I knew she only had a second. She was obviously going somewhere, but I thought if not now, when is she going to finger bang you? Right. Did she say hi? Yes. And I said, hi, I don't know if you know me. I said, I'm playing the same stages. You let her, my name, my later man is Trixie Mattel and I love you so much. And she was like, Oh,

Oh, yeah, you always talk about me in interviews and we cheat me big hug and I just was like I don't want to embarrass you But your album yes, I am when I was 13. I literally started playing guitar listening to your albums copying you like that is so sweet You're like, I don't know if this is untoward or inappropriate, but could you please put three fingers in my hole right now? I don't want to ask for a lot But like could you just sing come to my window really quick? Could you come in my window? Was you hoping my my window? Meaning my most gay guys call their asshole their their window right the French French doors my window of opportunity

French doors? For some of my friends. By Panic Room. Yeah. Have you ever seen Panic Room? I have. Forrest Whitaker, Jodie Foster, Kristen Stewart. Guess who was supposed to be Jodie Foster? Nikki Kidman. Yes. I knew that. You knew that story, that riveting story that Kristen Stewart's stuff. Which makes a lot of sense. It makes a lot of sense because Jodie Foster seemed really unprepared in that movie. I'm just kidding. She was great, of course. I think Nicole Kidman and Jodie Foster were...

They really got some star power. Yeah, I think things are going to happen for those kids. So I got to tell you what else. The festival. How was it? Well, you know, the show starts with five costumes. We got the look. Oh, you did that one? Oh my God. What is wrong with you? Why do you work so hard? So it's 11 o'clock at night, 1120 at night, and it's still 87 degrees. It's the desert, Mary. It's still 87 degrees. I'm in there and I'm like, fuck.

The music starts, my left ear goes out. First thing. This one, no sound. Left ear out. Because, you know, I wear those in-ears that block your ears entirely. So all I can hear is this ear. Oh, my God. So it completely renders you deaf. And I go, we have to stop. But the show has to be done in 40 minutes or they pull the power. They warned me. They said, we will literally pull the music if you're going. Pull the, yank it right out of the wall. So I go, I guess I'll just go on. So for the whole show, I only had one ear. Okay.

Which was, come on, you have to use some in the power of love. You summon the power of the struggle in your life. Picture like that moment. Just going to let go. Yeah. So I just did what I could. I mean, I heard 50% of the music and I just hope for the best and there you go. And then the next day I had to get up and drag and do some stuff. 102 degrees that day in Indio. I was in drag in the daytime. Why would not, why were you in drag in the daytime? It was for a brand activation, which I can't say, but I was like, I love you guys. I love this brand. I love this product.

I'm a team player and I was like, I love you guys.

It's it's not that I don't want to do a good job, but in 20 minutes, it's over. I said, so I'm going to be as like focus as I can, because once I start sweating, it's ruined. We can't go anymore. I love that. But the whole thing under 30 minutes and I was like, thank God. Damn. Then I went over to the Trixie motel and everybody who worked on the show at the festival, we all had like a little kiki. And then I, um, for two days at the motel, we had two pool parties. I waited.

cocktail serving for both tray little computer now last time i served tables we had a pad of paper and a pencil you graduated onto an ipad they had little um devices where you key in and you can order yourself order the drinks and then by the time you go get them they're already made because you don't have to run a piece of paper to them what did the what will they think of next it was so crazy we had this drag queen called page matthews

Which is the name of Rose McGowan's character in Charmed. Okay, I was going to say, is it a pun? Because I don't get it. Okay. And she, at the end of her last number, it's, mind you, it's 102 degrees in Palm Springs. People are doing numbers. She did four. At the end of the last number, she jumps in the pool. And the audience is in the pool. Everyone's in the pool screaming. She's lip syncing in the pool. It was so magical. Makeup. Oh, she still looks great. She's young. You give her a little cleaning fee, I'm sure. We hosed her off. You know, but she looked so good wet, which...

Not all of us can boast that. I don't know. I think I look pretty ravishing with a wet, straight, flat wig over my 45-year-old face. Well, all these baby queens are in human units. So they're like, oh my God, my hair's wet. You know what I mean? It's crazy. If I get wet, I've been in that pool before. Yeah. There's deleted footage from Trixie Motel. You look like an embryo out of a dinosaur woman or something. Someone left the cake out in the rain. It's in my cake. It's a fetus. Yeah, it's bad. It's a honey bun from prison.

Ooh. But I got in that pool once and- And drank. Yes. And I was wearing a gown and you can't kick your legs and we have a deep end. Love it. And I almost drowned. There's footage from filming Trixie Motel of me- Love. Submerged, just up to poking out of the water, waving help. Nobody helping you. No one, people laughing. I hear through the ocean, not the ocean, the pool. I hear through the water on the outside of the water,

People laughing like, oh, you, you're doing a bit. And I remember thinking, I'm going to drown on the show. You should have drowned out of spite because that would have really learned. Like, y'all really fucking appreciate what's going to happen when I'm gone. Well, I talked to that stupid thing about the strawberry patch underneath the deep end of the pool. What is the strawberry patch? Well, I went to my brother's friend's pool when we were young and they said, hey, you know, this pool was built over a strawberry patch. If you go down the deep end, you can smell it.

Tried to kill you. Tried to kill me. And I did go down there and smell it. No, you didn't. I absolutely 100 fucking percent did. And then they pulled my pants down and did point their fingers at my weenie and butt. Oh my God. Let's take a break.

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And we're back. Okay. So what's going to happen now? Like, are you going to have like a brand new hip? Is it going to be like, no, I'm going to run this one into the ground ASAP. I'm addicted to the procedure. It's all about the procedure. Well, they say that about plastic surgery. Now you're going to want the other one. Oh, Barry, let me tell you something.

This horrible. Even when you have all the money in the world, which I don't, but I have some. I don't have to worry about medical debt. Let's say that. Right. Okay. That's a big thing. Which in America means filthy rich. Honey, sweetie, darling. Yes. I talked to this woman at the yard sale the other day who was like solidly middle class. She's like, I can't afford it right now. Can't afford it right now. Anyway, so it was just like, I think the most troubling thing was quitting smoking. That was the most troubling. Worse than the surgery?

Oh yeah. Well, I mean, I'm not doing the surgery. I just lay down and, you know, but then, then the freeloader, I listen, get involved. Well, I had, I had written a note to the anesthesiologist, please fuck me while I'm down. You wrote it on your body. I wrote it on the inside.

Wait, did they do the thing where you're awake that they're like this leg, right? And they mark it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mark. That's so crazy. All that standing between them opening up the wrong leg is a little magic marker. And also like it was like, I was like, is there some it's where are we making precise markings? No, it's all done on computers, bitch. Computers. He's looking at the computer screen like you doing Twitch. So he's not like touching you.

No, he's like you on Twitch. He's got a whole... Video gaming. Yeah, he's got a whole crowd of people who's raising money. It's like crazy. He's like, hey guys, it's me. Welcome back to my channel. Yeah, putting it to this bag. We're going to do something a little different. We're going to do something a little different. We're going to replace this fucking faggot's hips. So that's why. Everybody I've told about it is like, why is she getting hair replacement? She's so young. So it's kind of interesting because...

I've never thought of you as young. I know because you're old. I know. I know. But now that you get a hip replacement, everyone's like, but she's so young. I had to shop around. I had to shop around. That is very true. This last doctor who I will not mention the name. He wouldn't give it to me because I was too young. And he said, you're not you're in the waiting room. And I was like, what is this waiting room? It's like where you're not feeling enough pain yet. I was like, OK, do you want to stab me? I'll stab myself.

Look, bone on bone. It's like Mary, just operate. What's the difference? What's the difference? Bones and all. So anyways, but that's all set. And the bummer is I got to use this cane for just a little bit. And then I have the walker. Mommy, you should have seen me in the walker. No, I saw. Where'd you get the tennis balls? From the tennis factory. I think it's funny that with how many people use walkers, people are living longer than ever.

We haven't figured out technology beyond a yellow tennis ball. And they don't even provide them. They don't provide them. They give you this walker. You have to assemble it or whatever. And I'm like, oh, something's missing here. I was like, oh yeah, go grab some tennis balls. I was like, go grab some tennis balls. What, at CVS? You think I live in Dick's Sporting Goods? Hello, thank you. It was like, it's so bizarre. That is, yeah, why? Rain jackets, umbrellas?

These technologies need to be streamlined. Tennis balls on walkers. Mobility. Yeah, why are we still doing tennis balls? That seems like, well, this is a new thing, so we'll just use tennis balls for now. Decades later, we've got Martina Navratilova. She's about to use tennis balls on her walker. Yeah. Well, why are we still using tampons? Well, I'm using tampons. Oh. That's for a different reason. That's the question. Why are you still using tampons? Oh, I can't cross my legs.

Thank God. I'm sick of seeing that. It looks like two 7-Eleven chicken wings crossed over each other. The last two under the glass. Oh, there's pain. There's pain, Mary. I watched Eat, Pray, Love this morning and I cried. Ooh, fuck. I just, oh yeah, baby. I have more exciting news. Okay, tell me. I went to Mexico for the first time.

Arriba derci. That's Italian. I've never met. Did you love it? Mexico City? No. I went to Puerto Vallarta. Oh, for the wedding. Yeah. And I received a call from you and I won't repeat what you said, but it was very funny. Yeah. I just, I don't. Well, the thing is, I've been to one Mexican city for three days. So I'm only an expert at three days in one city, staying at one resort. In the whole country. The whole country. But-

I felt shocked by many things. The number of times I was propositioned for the receiving end of sex work. You're PV though, right? The number of times I was Molly ecstasy, Molly ecstasy. PV. Somebody said wild weed. I said, I don't even know what that is. Spice probably. Yeah. Synthetic weed. Yeah, bitch. Yeah. Spice zombies. Spice girls. They thought I was a spice girl. They wanted to sell me scary spice. Daddy.

That is scary as spice. Why isn't the media caught on to this kind of pun stuff to generate the hysteria? Anyways, go ahead. They could use a picture of Mel B next to some like cartoon, like clip art of weed. Or like that Dave Chappelle from that crack character he has. Yeah. That'd be perfect. So I just was shocked. Also, I don't know. Don't whatever me.

I feel weird going on vacation and you don't have to like it. No, I feel weird going on vacation in a place where people make $7 a day.

Oh mama, that was me on the cruise. That feels weird and wrong. Thank you. It feels, it feels, they should be making $5. Let me take my Caucasian American money and flaunt it while you offer me hand jobs. Like that's tough. That felt weird and wrong to me. And I mean, we live in Hollywood, which is a living, breathing human rights violation. So we see people below poverty all the time. Yeah. But you just drive over them. I know. I just, next time I go to Mexico, I think I need to strive for a more

a less resorty and more actually cultural experience. - Tyra, pull a Tyra.

I masquerade as a Mexican for four months and you really get the picture. Oh yeah, I'm going to call Tyra and be like, can I borrow that sombrero you undoubtedly used in some photo shoot? In some NC4 or whatever. But everybody was so nice. Who was everybody? The staff. The staff. Everyone who worked at the Elmar, the resort. Gay, gay, gay. So gay. So nice. Best service ever. Do you know how many people are filming OnlyFans in the bed you slept in?

How much, like how much calm is caked into those sheets? Girl, Mateo said to me, do you know about the Ramada Inn on Santa Monica Boulevard? The Ramada Inn? I said, yeah, the Ramada Inn. Yeah. He said-

He basically alluded to it was not maybe on the same level as other Ramada ends. I said, yeah, that's the one where tweakers get their eyeballs torn out and shit. Like, oh yeah, that's Texas chainsaw for gay sex. Oh, okay. Yeah. I ran it in. He said, one of the towel racks was pulled off the wall. I said, yeah, probably with some twink dosed on spice. Like,

I don't want to be a Turner. I don't want to be. I love that scary spice. I feel empowered and rooting for sex workers in any country. But I just felt like,

I don't know. I felt weird being on the receiving end of being offered sex services. That really never happens to me. So I didn't know how to feel about it. You think you're too attractive to need to hire hookers is what you're saying. I think they saw me who looks 70. And when David got up to go to the bathroom and I was asked four different times if I wanted a massage, just because he left for 30 seconds. Now he's the guy attractive. They're all gorgeous. Of course. Then why not? I just, I don't want to do that. You can have a dinner for four people out in, not PV, but Tijuana. Yeah.

for under 20 i know that's what i mean it feels a little wrong no that's an economy it's a little bit different when you're like getting off the boat in aruba and people are like trying to like aggressively you know hawk their like puka shell necklaces because if they don't they won't eat that day that's a little bit you know that's a little bit so was it incredibly beautiful yes the service the resort was my god so beautiful all the everybody was so nice buffet in the morning the food was

Tart. Tartina Aguilera to the chef. The quesadilla at room service? The quesadilla. What's Mexico? So like the hotel quesadilla is better than any quesadilla. The street food, all of it. The food, every meal was like, this is the best food I've ever had. Do people stay out late? People don't eat until about 4 a.m.

They don't eat until 4 a.m. No, and that's the only time they eat. Oh, gee. They're on the G diet. Yeah, they're on the G. And you mean you could probably get Ozempic at the pharmacy? You know what I mean? You can actually. Anabolic steroids. You go get your tea, your Ozempic, your G, your Viagra, and your Zanis. And your Zanis. Yeah. It was really...

Mexico. Well, again, I was in one city for four days, so I can't speak to the ambassador now. Yeah. But staying in a gay area in a resort town, I wasn't ready to be propositioned to sell drugs or, you know, I wasn't ready for that. It shocked me. It shocked me.

People don't walk up to me and ask me if I want to buy drugs. They don't. They're like, hello, ma'am. Would you like to purchase some drugs this evening? What did they say? Molly cocaine? No, I'll tell you exactly what happened. Okay. Did they do a little flick thing with the card? No, they would have like, let's say, basically like their wares. Let's say they're selling cabana hats. They have a bunch of hats on their head, hats all over. And they go, hey, hats, gloves, tchotchkes, weed, hats.

Molly. When they get without earshot. I love that. They're like, Molly, ecstasy, cocaine. Gee, so strong you'll kill an elephant. And then you go, no. And they go, okay, hats. Like they go back to pretending to sell whatever bracelets or whatever. I love that. Fourth of July, Spocklers. Mo' Vado watch. Mo' Vado watch. Yeah. But it was Peaches Christ Wedding.

It was a lovely Mary. I bet it was not corny. I'm going to, I bet it was not corny. The ring bearer was a child dressed as Michael Myers and both grooms pretended to lose the ring. And then the Halloween theme started and a Michael Myers, this tall walked down the aisle. Yeah. So cute. You should have, you should have stabbed her in the foot though. I know it wasn't a real knife. I was like, come on, we can probably get one of those on the beach. People are selling stuff. Um, but then the whole ceremony under 25 minutes.

Cover my boner up a little bit. Yeah. Let me just cover up my boner real quick. It was like a short film. I laughed. I cried. It was so good. Mink stole officiated. She's so funny and glam. Then Peaches is saying, I mean, Peaches told this story about like, I was afraid you're going to cry. She was like, I was afraid to tell

this guy who was from who was so amazing we were dating for months and i told him i was a writer and a producer but i never told him i did drag and she told the whole story of telling him he had dragged and how he didn't care at all didn't he like and i was like my god so many times in my life having to tell someone i do drag that i sexually interested in or romantically she's like terrifying yeah because it's disgusting because it's disgusting yeah it's gross and a turn off for many people yeah and so and then the food was good and the dancing it's all peaches music i'm sure so it's like

No chicken dance. No chicken dance. No, it's Depeche Mode, Sade, Sinead O'Connor. Oh yeah, she's around my age. Yeah. Yeah, I would love that. So it's all like aging goths and queer people twirling. I love that. It was really fun. How long were you there for? Three days. That's big for you. Three days off of work. That was huge. Did you bring your laptop? Yeah, but I didn't open it once. I didn't do any work.

i was just in the hotel room going so what do we do yeah and like if i don't hear like checks cashing and dollar signs clinking right yeah so i was just kind of confused but uh you get a massage i'm scared about why he's not gonna well i mean he could you know why i can't why because when someone that hot is offering me sex and there's money involved the whole time i'm like they're holding back puke they're holding back puke

Okay. Think about it to them. I'm disgusted. No, no, no, no, no. You have it completely twisted up. I want you, I'm going to say a few names. Milton Berle, the corpse of Don Rickles. Uh-huh. Um, Tempest de Jor. Abraham Lincoln. Uh-huh. Tempest de Jor after a ostrich mauling. Yeah. Um, the unsinkable Molly Brown. Uh-huh. Present day. Those are the kind of clients that they're used to. Right. Gray shriveled, um,

Maybe nice, maybe not, but cheap, nasty, disgusting dingleberries in their gray pubes. Uh-huh. Lady G. Lady G. Ladybugs. Ladybugs. You are basically like, what's her name? Stormy Daniels. Ow. Yeah. I see a hooker on the regular, not a hooker, a massage therapist, and then we have sex. Uh-huh. For money. Hard as hell. He probably does a little trimix in the kitchen when I'm not looking, but I'll take it. He's got that shit hooked up to a compressor.

Yeah, that's why he is. He's firing up like a hot air balloon. Notice he's looking past you at like snuff porn of like his mom getting her head chopped off while she gets eaten out by a cricket. Oh, Gen Z. That's what Gen Z wants. Gen Z doesn't want sex in movies. No. They want their Ozempic ridden mom's head ripped off by a fucking cricket.

Oh, let me show you the x-ray they gave me. I wanted, of course, the joint. Right. They don't let you... I don't think that should keep... What are they going to do with the bone? Bones? I don't know. Probably the bone collector. Does he chop that femur bone? Whoa. Looks official. It is. He's a celebrity guy. So it's actually a chainsaw. They put a chainsaw in my thigh. Now, that's supposed to be you? Well, and it's an x-ray.

Oh, that's why it looks different. It's an x-ray. Yeah. That's why my nipples look kind of small because it was really cold in there. So you splurged on the anesthesiologist, but you kind of skimped on the x-ray technician. And the shoes. The shoes are pretty pitiful. Yeah. Yeah. I love getting x-rays. You do? Yeah. I love it. I love it so much.

It scares me. I know the MRI. That's the scary one. And you have to, you have to maintain absolute stillness or else they'll like, come on and hit you or something. It's crazy. Well, do you remember last year when I had that exhaustion episode where I thought I had brain cancer? Yes. I had to go get MRIs after that. And it was, it was a long time in a loud machine. It's horrible. Again. Uh, uh, what was it?

What was the other thing we were just talking about? Why hasn't technology improved? For Memorize? Yeah. Yeah, why do they take it like they take a flashbulb photo? Stand still for 30 minutes. Yeah, yeah. Hear ye, hear ye. Ye will learn all about your terrible joint. Yeah, it's crazy. Have you been watching anything? No. I had sex with David on the patio at the hotel.

- What? - On the patio. It faced out to the ocean, no one could see us, we're on the top floor. It felt risky even though absolutely no one could see us. - Don't you have surveillance cameras? - But I was sort of playing it up. I was like blowing, I'm gonna say blowing him. And I'm like looking over like, oh my God, what if we get caught? We're so far away from people, but I'm playing it like, oh my God, did you hear that? Is someone here? No one was there. - That is so fucking funny. - We would know they were there 'cause they'd look at me sucking a cock and start throwing that. - And you'd hear bleh, bleh. - Exactly. - I had sex last night in my patio.

With this leg? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We use the cane. No, no, no. But I mean, were you feeling up to it sexually? Were you just like, hey, listen, I'm not going to be an active participant. I need to be. I think for one night I can put away my Shannon Miller, Jack Hammer, 35 minute nonstop pulverizing penis routine. Yeah. I just sat there and modeled like that. Like Giselle. Yeah. No, no, but we got naked in my backyard. We did it outside.

That's what I was just telling you. I didn't listen to that. Great. I can tell this story next week too. Oh, good. I'll be fresh and free. So you guys have full penetrative Congress outside? No. No, it's too much. No. Too many bugs and stuff. Yeah. It's David. He just wants a blowjob so he can move on with his life. You know? I love that. He's trying to get in and out. In and out? You like blowjobs? Yeah.

I don't want to be, I don't want to tell stories out of school, but there are some men who are blowing them as a commitment because it can take 45 minutes. David is not one of those people. And also, yes, the dignity, the grace of like a quick finish because then it's like, yeah, do this. Now scratch my nuts. Now read me some Emily Bronte. You know, it's like, what? I don't want to do all that. The best is when it starts out like, okay, also grab my balls. And then you're like, okay. And then it's like, tweet

tweak a nipple yeah call my mom eventually they're like alright pluck my eyebrows you gotta type it you gotta type it totally log into my phone use my face ID and pay my Wells Fargo overshot my Bank of America please do it

Oh, I'll say something else about Mexico. I should have learned more about pesos. Yes. It's very different than American money. It's so weird. The number, the quantity of pesos is so strong. Why don't they just round it down? I don't get it. I think something, maybe I could be wrong. 25 million pesos. I think 2000 pesos is about a hundred bucks. So I was like, I couldn't tell. That's cool. I would ask people, how much is this? And they would say, and I would go, I still don't know what that means. How about 25 pesos?

See, that's actually not that bad of an exchange rate. Look up rubles for fuck's sake. Is that Russia? That's some bullshit, yeah. Russia and Ukraine got some big time, like thousands of thousands of like for a candy bar. It's crazy. Rubles drag race. Rubles drag, yeah. Win rubles, rubles. Yeah, made the best. Remember the game show Win Ben Stein's Money?

Do you know he's a crazy person? What do you mean? He's a crazy conservative. No. A la Christy Swanson, a la Dean Cain. Yeah. And I'll never forget in Soap Dish he said...

Ariel should be raped by Father Corey. That's his one big line. Isn't that hysterical? I remember it for dry eyes. Dry, clear eyes. That big, booming monotone. But so anyways, have you ever been to one of these or driven past one of these crazy mega, not mega churches, but... Meghan Trainor? Did you see Meghan Trainor? I did.

Wait, where? I thought you just said Meghan Trainor. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Have you driven past Meghan Trainor? Yes, I have. Do you know those like they're called, one's called Mosaic. It's on the corner of La Brea and Sunset. It looks like. Is it a church? It's a church. But Mary, when I tell you these people are hot. These youngers, these young ones are hot. Well, that's how they get you.

Oh, you think it's networking? I know it is. I went in one night. I remember this one church in Milwaukee that was supposed to be like the young, cool church. And their flyer was, would Jesus wear jeans to church? We're not like normal churches. We do things a little differently around here. I think he would. He would also cut the crotch out and let his balls hang low. Yeah. I was just like, Jesus doesn't go to church. Yeah. Jesus is dead. But Jesus...

Church happened after he died. So he was never going to church. That's an irrelevant question. They actually strung him up on a cross and tortured him to death. That's why we're going to church. Yeah. Jeans are not. Yeah. But anyways, these people are sexy. They're looking cool. They're put together. Uh-huh. Yeah. What's going to happen then? Are you going to join? I've joined and I've got a long game brewing. I've got a long game brewing. But I knew there was like a straight thing because nobody knew who I was. Not one person. Yeah.

And I tried to like, I tried to like do a little, you know, like, and may the best woman win. Nobody could catch on. Somebody came up to this weekend and sometimes drag queens do, people do this. They go, oh, you know, let's say it's, I'm making this up, Bianca. They'll be like, oh, I know Roy.

Oh yeah. And I go, okay. Which is fine. I hate that. Good for you. But then they go, well, I know you as Brian. Cause I know you through her. I go. And I know your social is one, two, six, 28, 43. I was like, why? I can guarantee you Bianca. No, real does not know my real name. What are you talking about? That that's, that doesn't, that's not happening. You call that. I don't know. I, well, in some ways it's sort of like, oh, we have a mutual friend, but what it feels like is, but we don't, you should, I don't know. This is social.

Yeah. It's like, no, you didn't meet Bianca and she told you that I'm her friend, Brian. Yeah. That didn't happen. You didn't spend all night looking at my baby book with her. I don't think. Do you have a baby book? I do still have it. That's the only doc. I look there's for three years. I was fat as a house and I cherish those years. Big chunky cheeks and a big gut. And I was so happy.

That's all. What age? Nude, too. You didn't wear clothes for three years? No, I'm wearing a baby. What are you going to wear clothes for? Well, if you're fat enough, your parts get covered. That is true, but I also had a really long penis. So it went all the way down my thigh. You had to tie it up with an alligator clip. What kind of clothes did you wear when you were an infant? Hand-me-downs? Yeah, my brother was five years older than me, so I got a lot of hand-me-downs. Did you wear your brother's clothes? I wore my sister's clothes. She was younger than me. Your brother's younger than you?

No, I wore my sister's clothes. My sister is younger than me. But your brother's older. Yeah. Dark hair. Dark hair. He's not bald. No. So what's going on with that? He has the McCook head. The McCook head is known. The McCooks are known for giant heads, square jaws, thick, luscious hair that ain't going nowhere.

Yeah, your brother has, your dad has hair. My dad has the same thing, except it's all gray. So what's going on with you? I have my mother's side. Thin, villainous lift. Yeah, thin, horrible hair, emotional problems. We like, we love to like walk fast. We get out of the car before it even stops. We tuck and roll at the mall. It's great. Oh my God. I'm not used to traveling with David Silver anymore. Is he slow? No, no, no, no, no.

He's passed. You know, I'm in my Crocs and I have the strapper on the back. I'm in four wheel drive. You know, I'm ready to go. David Silver. Zoom. You would think he's on one of those fucking moving walkways. He's at the airport. We are two and a half hours early. We've already gotten through security. David is borderline sprinting. I love it. To the gate. I said, I love it. I said, I love you. You need to relax. No. I said, I'm not like getting winded.

Getting to this gate. But he's just going to the gate though to hang out? Yeah, there's something in him like the gay travelers are like speedwalking times speedwalking. Oh, I'm speedwalking to like the Gucci store, to the pretzel store. I'm making laps. I got things to do. The Delta Sky Lounge, taking a shower. Right. Sometimes two. But David, I was traumatized. Speeding. I love it. David's one of those people that for some people when they fly, they need a Bloody Mary. A lot of people flying is like, it's like a...

Pavlovian, they get on a plane and they go, Bloody Mary. I don't know what it is. I think it's just going to be getting drunk. Well, no. People swear that Bloody Marys taste different on planes. They swear. Oh, no, no. The altitude. It could be. They swear. They go, I never drink them. And on planes, I always drink them. Yeah.

So David, he's watching, you know, his little housewives on an iPad this big, this close to his face. He's got his Bloody Mary vibing. But now is he saying that because of the altitude, he needs six little things of vodka instead of two? Because that might be suspicious. No, because you get drunk faster on planes. Yeah. Yeah. Altitude. Yeah. Altitude. Right? Yeah. Remember Aspen?

Remember in Aspen? I've never been to Aspen. Oh, God damn it. Well, the altitude is like you have to cook with different ingredients. You get winded. I do know about that. Oh, it's wild. Baking especially. Oh, yes. You know, we got to reinstate gay ski week because I would love to go to that. I know. They should do it in Park City, Utah. 600 inches of snow this year. 600 inches of snow. I'm looking for Salt Lake City Pride. You're going to love it.

Well, I've been to Salt Lake City, but I've never been there in the winter. Park City, 12,000 foot elevation. I checked mine at home, 650 foot elevation. Have you seen me on any billboards? I sure the fuck did when I was driving to the hospital in Santa Monica. That is huge. Did you consider that a good omen?

Well, you had a hammer. What was it? Oh, yeah. It's like a hammer in the picture. A mallet. Yes. I was like, yeah, I'll take that. Boom. Beautiful solo featurette. Can you believe it? And not even... It was all about you. Not really about the network. For a show I filmed two years ago. Max. It just said Max. They're not even promoting a new show. I was like, all right. They didn't even tell me. I started getting pictures sent to me. I was like, what? It's fabulous. I love it. But don't you think you'd tell me? I was like, no. They have bigger fish to...

Manageably fry at those networks. Well, the big merger. What do you think is going to happen with the writer's strike? Mary, they... So I talked to Katie. She has to be on the picket line every day or else she'll get booted from the guild. Yeah. Is that real? Yeah. So you know what I've been doing? A lollipop guild. I've been doing my little Gale Weathers. So I'll show up in costume. And then there's three. There's the Paramount, there's Netflix, and then there's another one. I forget. And someone tried to make a little like a...

service thing, which I thought was a little weird because that's... At the picket line? Yeah. So like two birds, one stone. You want to fuck somebody, fuck me at the picket line. Well, is it like... I'm sure at these... Misconnections. I'm sure at these...

what do you call it a picket line yeah i'm sure that you will see people you know kind of romantic story we met um protesting he spilled a huge like thing of coffee on me and got third degree burns but yeah the signs are really clever that's what's fun about the writers being behind this well do you mary we don't have enough time to get into it but the chat gpt ai thing is it will curl your hair what does gpt stand for though it's great training

Is it GPT? It's Greek pussy training. Sorry. GPT. Chat GPT. It's an AI program that can say, hey, I can type in, write a script where Trixie Mattel never interrupts me and treats me with the utmost respect in her character vein. And I'll do that. And you think even chat GPT could do that? Greek pussy talent. Yeah.

I just wonder, I mean, to be honest, you and I have. They're already using it, Mary. You and I have worked at Netflix. Some of those shows, I would prefer that some machine wrote it. You know what I mean? It would be a vast improvement. And also what they're trying to do, honestly, this is what they're trying to do. They're trying to write it into people's contracts that they can use AI and then hire independent contractors to come in one or two days. And punch it up. Make it a little human. This doesn't make any sense. Just punch it up and then go home.

Fucking diabolical. Well, I keep seeing tweets about like, hey, I'm a writer on, I don't know, Black-ish or like a show like that that's huge. Or Abbott Elementary and I'm not getting any fucking residuals. And hey, I'm the writer of the most watched episode. Yeah. Today I got a residual check for 0.01 cents. It's crazy. It's so crazy. I mean, I don't pretend to know about this stuff because, you know, it's a lot more nuanced than you and I just chiming in. I mean, we mostly do unscripted. So like, but yeah.

If the world changes with streaming, then the way people make money and get paid and compensated and credited has to change with it. Yeah. I don't think these people are asking for, what they're asking for is frankly so overdue. Right. And crazy. Well, it's like Gwyneth said, islands in the stream, that is what you are. But let's say you wrote on The Office. Okay. And The Office moved to Netflix during COVID. During COVID, The Office was banging. It was the most watched show. Yeah.

If you wrote an episode, one of the best episodes on The Office that gets watched all the time on Netflix. I wouldn't be talking to you. I'd be bathing in my little cash bucket. But they don't have money. Who? The writers. Because they're like not compensated fairly. Oh, see that's... I keep thinking I get residuals from even stupid shows that I was bad at.

Oh, I get my, my American horse residuals are sometimes like 30 cents. Yeah. That's not true. So they're usually about. No, they're good. They're like crazy. Sometimes they're like in the thousands. They are. Yeah. For what room? Room 104 playing house. Anything on Warner Brothers or. You weren't playing house. I was the big titted. I forget what I did, but yeah, I get, I just got to check in the mouth the other day.

That was only like hundreds, but it's significant. What's going to happen when this Gaga Joker movie comes out? The things I'm already clenching for in the universe, one of them is I'm already clenching for the kink at pride discourse, and I'm already clenching for the Oscar campaign of that Joker movie. I mean, just give her the damn Oscar already. I feel like the Oscars are so corny, tired, and played out. We should just do something else. The fact that there's not a comedy character category...

Or that the horror keeps getting snubbed or overlooked. I think they should do American Ninja Oscars. Whoever's best, you know, whoever gets through the gauntlet wins the Oscar. Honestly. And then it'll just be like Jason Momoa or like other really fit people. Jessica Chastain. Jessica Chastain, like the Hunger Games, standing over Meredith Baxter, Bernie's dead body. Being like. But there'll be handicaps. Like Melissa McCarthy will just have to like do like one of those little rope ladders and everybody else will get daggers thrown at them. Right. Or like Hong Chao.

In a tug of war with... Danny DeVito. Drunk. No, the woman who plays the Scarlet Witch. Oh, Elizabeth Olsen. Elizabeth Olsen, Hong Chao at a chili cook-off for the Oscar win. See, just skip the whole ceremony. I want to watch that. Yeah. And that's entertainment, folks. Something humorous happened last night. David does not handle spicy food very well. Really? Yeah, he gets very... Diarrhea? Sweating. Okay. David in Mexico.

What was the temperature like? 85 and humid as hell. But this water. Wet. Everyone's wet. This water. Me, him, everyone we know, everyone's face is wet with sweat. But see, I love that. It's an even playing field. Yeah. Did you go in the water? Oh, yeah. Did you drink it and get diarrhea? No, everybody warned me about drinking the water. But where does the ice come from? The same water. You have to drink that. You have your sex in the city moment. You get out of your Mexicoma by shitting your pants. I was with somebody who got sick.

I also had it. I mean, you know, no drinking has been pretty easy for me at a gay resort in Mexico. I wanted that tequila. What else do you do there? I wanted that tequila. I didn't have the tequila. I forgot to tell you the craziest part. What? You did Molly. Let's take a break. No, you're not supposed to bring drugs to Mexico. No shit. They're really cheap there. You buy them there, bring them back. But I heard from a reliable source that whenever you buy drugs off the street, they're fake, which they are often with their Amsterdam. Cause I heard the marijuana in Mexico is like horrible.

Oh, we'll just bring you a little Cali Bud. That's why I just did coke. No, no. But I didn't try to bring drugs to Mexico. But what happened was I had a swimsuit. Somebody came to the motel last week and they tipped me. Somebody's staying at the motel and they go, I have a cannabis brand. I brought you a joint that has cow print on it. So you boofed it up your ass and went through security, bitch. I said, oh, thank you. I don't smoke while I'm working, but I'll save it. I put it in my swimsuit pocket. Then I get to pata patata.

I open the swimsuit. I reach in my pocket. Broke down palace. I find the weed and I go, oh my God, David, if they had found this, I probably would have been in trouble with yet another government's immigration. They would have done this. Oh, you. No, I heard they take money. Thailand. I heard they go, well, you can come back to Mexico for your court appearance or you can just give me $100.

That's what I heard. Which is really easy. That's great. That's preferable. Red tape, all that time wasted. You just don't want to be in the broke down palace situation in Bangkok. I should have been like, you think I'm afraid to come back to Mexico? I have a timeshare. And then I flip my hair. And a bunch of joints come out of your hair. I flip my hair and it's a wig and it falls off.

And then I fall on the ground. You were a drug mule. On accident. This is really concerning. Because I knew you would quit drinking. I had the eight ball up my pussy, but that was on purpose. Yeah. You quit drinking and then, you know, it's a toke every once in a while. And all of a sudden you're a full-blown drug mule. How many kilos of heroin you got in your keister right now? But my life flashed before my eyes.

It's one joint. I know, but if anybody gets in big trouble, I'm like, with my luck, it would have been me. They would have made an example out of you like Martha Stewart. Yeah, and the joint was what you call dog walker. It was one of those one-inch long ones. Very small. But I'm just saying, I would have been the one to go to federal prison or something. Damn. So I was scared. I was scared, and I felt lucky and blessed that I didn't get found out because it was not intentional at all. At all. But you gotta be careful. You gotta be careful with like...

Well, the hard narcotics, especially. Well, I remember one time I was in is not Israel, Ireland, different place. And I was at the airport and I was going through immigration. They were like, you have a bottle of water in your bag, but they're all Irish. So like, but I don't think so. And they opened my bag and there was a complete full sealed bottle of rum.

- In my carry on. - Oh, but that's not legal though, right? - And I was like, you know what? We had a good party last night at the gig. - That's not technically water, it's piss water, right? You can have a swig if you want. Oh my God. - And I turned to Natasha Lyonne who I was traveling with and she was like, well, gotta give it up. And she pulled a tampon, soaked a sky vodka out of her pussy. And yeah, I think that's good. - I think it's great. You got a birthday coming up? - A birthday? August, August. I'm going to the GLAAD Awards this weekend. Trixie Motel is nominated and I really hope we win.

But I've lost a lot of things in my life. David really wants to win. And I don't know if I'm ready because I know he's going to hit me. No. If we don't win, he's going to hit me. Let's hope he hits you with the trophy. But I think we're going to be in front of the executives and stuff. And he's going to haul off and hit me. And I'm going to go, you guys don't know him. You have to win. Throw that motherfucker a bone. I'm up against We're Here. That's Brendan Fraser and the whale. I want my life to mean something. You know what I mean? The tone of that title is a little bit different now. We're Here.

I think we should do a show called We're Also Here. We're over there. Yeah, we're over there. Where we kind of help people, but not at the expense of inconveniencing ourselves. We'll be here if anything happens to you. That's half of that. Could you imagine you and I show up at a woman's house, it's like a recent divorcee, and she's like, I'm just trying to get my groove back. And we're like, have you tried color contacts? Yeah. The Halloween store has blue contacts. It gets you really high. Leave you on the side of the road. Yeah. We thought you could do some microdermabrasion. We don't have that.

budget so i have some sandpaper yeah we're gonna do um a thumb tack a facial and we're just gonna pat it really hard yeah glue on toenails oh i love glue on toenails i know you do i love

We don't have any nails, so we're using corn chips. Lacquered corn chips, just like mom used to do. Okay, bye. Bye-bye.