Artificial Phallus Safety in the Shower & Beyond with Trixie and Katya
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And we're back. We're back and we're girls. And we're in drag. Wait, is our sign on? It is. Oh, okay. Are you guys LGBT or something? Are y'all LGBT? Then they rolled up a bunch of LBTQIAs. Do you ever fear that there's too much woke? I do. There's so much woke out there. Well, you know, my new thing is whenever there's anybody who's a woman...

trans, gay, anything in a media, I go, well, here's woke HBO. If it's not all white men, I flip out. Yeah. And you should. Well, I just watched The Last of Us, the first episode. You know, I love the games.

Greatest game of all time which came the last of us which games are these so they were for video station Yeah, oh my god like Silent Hill So I won't spoil it for you But the last of us is a few decades in the future a fungus There's a pandemic global fund pandemic where a fungus Attaches to the brain and grows out of the head and the people go crazy and violent 60% of the world is crazy violent basically like zombies And their faces are all sprouted with fungi. It's crazy. I

But I started watching it. And of course, as a television show, they make certain adaptations that old maiden type of adaptations or they go the extra mile to make sure everybody is not white. Oh, yeah. They're they're what you call that. They're. But I also think they probably just cast colorblind.

Racially colorblind? We would hope, I suppose. Right. Yeah. And so the best people got the roles. But of course, watching this, knowing what video game people are like and knowing how many like no neck, chin, beard bastards are out there. I was like, I bet they're going to watch this and they're going to be like, why is his daughter not white? Yeah. Too much woke in this video game movie. Right. So I was just watching it being like, people are already going to have problems that they

Some of these people are not the exact same race as they were in a game from 10 years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a little sad to be able to predict that. Well, it's even crazier when people apply that same logic to like a mermaid.

Ariel must be white. What is that about? It's about racism. I mean, it's just racism. It's just like blatant, flagrant, ignorant racism. Because they're stupid. Racists are stupid. They really are. They really are. You can't be racist without a good, healthy dose of just plain old-fashioned stupidity. I know. Even in American Horror Story Coven, which was I think season three or four. Mm-hmm.

Even in that, Fiona Good, the big bad witch who kills people and is horrible, even she hates racists.

When the villains hate racism, you should look inward. Yes. When the villains in media hate racism, you should go, am I a villain in real life? Was that the same season where Kathy Bates was the old-timey slave killer? She was. She got her head chopped off and put in front of a TV to watch Roots, the television show? That is, yes. I'm not going to say that it was perhaps the most- Perfect? Yeah. It wasn't except it was all pitch perfect. Yeah.

Let me tell you about Pitch Bliss. There's this fierce moment where the Supreme goes, there's nothing I hate more than a racist. There you go. And she takes a long drag. And then she goes and kills people. And then she puts on her Klan robe and goes. Oh, no. She's like, I kill everyone equally. I murder anyone. Yeah. Okay. That's fair, I guess. I like what you just described, The Last of Us. If you like that, let me tell you about something. What?

Squarespace? No. Oh. A book that you will gobble gobble like turkey dinner, bitch. What is it? What is it? It's called The Bible. The King James Bible. It's called Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard.

It's actually a movie called Waterworld with Kevin Costner. Oh, I've seen that. No, no, no. It's called Manhunt. Oh, okay. And so the premise is there is, like The Last of Us, there is a... So imagine this post-apocalyptic world in which there is a virus related to testosterone. Oh. So people with testosterone have...

turned into the most, it's like this crazy mutation where they become these rabid, raping, murderous, violent fucking creatures. And the protagonists are a couple of trans girls. And so there's all this like crazy shit with them and they hunt,

These, the men who are literally like, they travel in packs. They are violent. It's so bloody, violent, gory, and nasty. They chop up their balls, bitch. They clip the balls. They are trained killers to harvest the hormones. They eat, they fry and eat the testes, honey. The women do? The trans girls, yeah. Frying up and eating the cojones. Do you love it?

This book is so fucking good. Okay. It's so fucking good. And it's, I can't, I think you will, I think you will gobble it up like a turkey dinner, you fucking bitch. Well, I'm in the middle of Swamp Thing, which is a whole series. But that's a graphic novel, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah. And it's good. I like it. It's deep. It's sad. It's good. Yeah. And it's Alan Moore. Watchman. Love it. And then I got to read, I got a stack of Why the Last Man. I got to read those. But here's the thing about this stack.

Right on top of that stack, first priority, Miss Manhunt. She's looking at you. Okay, maybe I'll read that. I'll give it to you. It's sensational. Well, it's probably going to be made into a TV series, and then we can complain about how it's different than the book. Mama, if we're talking about TV series and it's all this rhetoric around truth, because there's Turf Army.

of the army of TERFs women who are like literally a militia. Yes. And that are led by this woman called Teach or Teacher. And I picture as Holly Hunter in my mind. And Mary, you got to read this book. You will love the shit out of it. Maybe I'll read it. It's fucking fierce. It's nasty, girl.

I get so uppity about finishing my graphic novels and I'll be like, I can't just finish another one. People will be like, yeah, it has a lot of pictures, right? What's the text to picture ratio? Well, there's a lot. And it's really small. But the pictures are part of it. Absolutely. There's some things you can't communicate with words. They move the story along.

Absolutely. You don't have to imagine what they look like. They tell you. I love it. No, no, I'm not. No, it's great. You're yelling at me. No, no. I found something I like that you're not a part of. And now you're like, well, what about me? Well, but now we have another thing. Not in common. I'd look at you in the face. Yeah. I'm the Dead Sea Scroll. I'm the Shroud of Turin. So I watched The Last of Us. Tell me. And it was wonderful. The whole series? No, only one episode. But when I like something, I don't watch the adaptations knowing to hate it.

I'm not part of the crowd that complains there's too much drag race and then complains when it's an hour. Yes. Or crack cocaine worms on the brain. Crack Tina McGillicuddy injecting bath salts into the veins. Saline in the balls. Thank you. But these people are blithely unaware of the fact that there are 14 golf channels.

14 golf channels. Mary, there are- And they're all called the golf channel. Golf channel one, golf channel two, ESPN three, ESPN four, SB five, Domino six, football eight. You don't complain about this drag race phenomenon, do you?

You don't have to. You just enjoy it. You just enjoy it. You can also, as if it's the Hunger Games and President Snow's going to kill your whole family if you don't watch. There's no quiz. You don't have to watch. There's no quiz. It's not a citizenship test. It's not a driving test. No. You don't have to do anything. You can stand up, sit down, or lay flat. For example, I, if I'm not doing the pit stop, I don't watch. But you're not gloating about it and you're not proud of it. No. Not at all. But I don't watch anything.

The fact that I watch saying this, but I watched the last of us came to my house to get me, take me somewhere where a group was watching it and then fed me. So there was a lot in it for me besides watching it. The last of us are drag race. Because in my opinion, if I've kind of already seen it, I'm not going to get to enjoy it the way virgins are going to enjoy it. Everything I'm watching. I know. Okay. I know what's going to happen.

When you've played the game or read the book, there's not so much surprise. Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure. It's almost like you can't enjoy it the way it was meant to be enjoyed as a TV show because you already know what's going to happen. But see, the jump scares are almost like, but how come that doesn't apply to my 12th, 13th, 15th viewing of Dune? Because I think you like the energy of Dune. Yeah.

And it could be playing in reverse and you don't care. And it's funny. The author of Manhunt is a fierce, one of the fiercest film critics, Gretchen Falker Martin, I think is her, Falker Martin. She's from Worcester, Massachusetts, Masshole. And she is a fierce film critic on Twitter. Mama fierce. And she loves to give unpopular opinions. She hates the new Dune. She thinks it's trash. And I love that. But you know what? The channels that do the best on YouTube, you better believe I was looking up some reviews of The Last of Us.

And of course the biggest one, even though this is the show that's getting perfect five-star ratings, people are already loving it. Oh, they dog pile on it. Oh, but the video that will get the most clicks is why this is the worst fucking show ever. Or on YouTube, everything now is like, oh, Rainforest Cafe ruined my life.

And it'll be like a 45 minute video. Yeah. About, and you're like, why do we look for life ruining on YouTube? Why food is the worst fucking thing you could possibly eat. Even if you like a product, let's say you're reviewing a Chanel mascara. The thumbnail has to be like, you won't believe I was shocked.

And the thumbnail is a girl like, and then the video is like, I don't know. I liked it. But then, but then the comment says fat. Oh, entirely, entirely. Always. Love that shit. Someone, someone did a fake tweet of, as if the white house was tweeting about president Kennedy's assassination. And then there was a comment under Anita said, I love it. The internet memes.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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I'm fine with that. I mean, you know what? You're fine with what? Like people saying horrible things on the internet. Oh, because it's just... It's fine. It's the void. It's the well. You throw garbage into the garbage can. You're not going to look in there. No. What are you looking in the garbage can for? No. Get out of the can. And people, I mean...

The comments are always the comments and the comments of the comments of the comments people are people people who need people the best kind of responding to comments responding to things of like that you're a public figure that is insane media literacy media coaching. Why don't you get into it? I could be me and you you and I.

We could legitimately offer a very useful service to newly christened drag racers to navigate the turmoils of social media and being newly famous in that realm. Listen, don't you think? It doesn't hurt me to stack another card at the bottom of the deck. What is that a metaphor for? It's about me fucking. No.

Fucking car dealers and things. I've never made too many media mistakes. However, I don't really take too much of it that seriously. But that's, okay, that's episode one. That's, you know what I mean? You don't take it seriously. Well, with any type of media, nothing's as good as it seems or as bad as it seems. It's just words, opinions, thoughts. And especially if it's about you, you should just...

You don't have to look at it. That's why people, I never, I don't usually believe them. Stars, celebrities, when they say don't read reviews, but that is a true, that is a good rule because if you really want honest feedback, you talk to a colleague. Yeah. Right. I mean, but, and we, well, at least for me, this is one of my worst characteristics of there. There are many. Sometimes when I need,

when I talk to someone about something, I'm fishing for forgiveness or assurance that I'm doing the right thing. Validation. Validation. Yeah. Rather than actually looking to do what someone says. But you're transparent enough to start it with,

So the question I'm about to ask you, I need to be, um, I need you to positively answer it. So anyways, here, you know what I mean? Like, um, so I'm learning about this thing that needs to tell me I'm doing is right. Yeah. Hey, I have this horrible trait. Could you co-sign on it? Exactly. Did you get three friends to do it as well? Put it in writing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little like, um,

Are you prioritizing your mental health or are you selling all your belongings and moving to Guam? Guam. Which way would you like me to frame this for you? Do you want me to be like, go girl, you're your own person? Do you want me to be like, maybe wait a week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me a read and I'll be the best friend because I'll tell you whatever you want. When you ask a question, do you want commiseration? Do you want validation or do you want a problem solve? Yeah. Oh, no, we talked about that in a moment.

Do you want a problem solver? Yeah. Nobody wants problem solved, mama. That's Einstein. Yeah. He was solving problems. He was doing math. Yeah. In science. Well, it's about learning. Hey, learning about those around you. David Silver, two days in a row, I cooked two eggs and wheat toast for myself for breakfast. And he goes, why aren't you asking me if I want breakfast? I said, I have never seen you eat breakfast. I said, you never eat breakfast. You never want breakfast. And so I didn't ask if you want breakfast. And then-

I gave him breakfast. That's the whole story. Wait, did you say eat it pig? No, I was like, is this about you wanting breakfast? It's about me not asking you if you want breakfast. I think it's about you being a hospitable presence in a new cohabitation scenario. Yeah, I guess. But you know what? Guess what he was watching yesterday? What? Planet of the Apes.

I said, you need to turn that shit off right now. Oh, right. Because that's going to scare the pants off of you. Well, half of them were chimpanzees, but the other half were gorillas. And I was like, we're not doing this. So wait, your primate fear is like species specific? It's not all monkeys. It's gorillas. It's gorillas in the mist. What about... David says, shut up or I'll put on gorilla in the mist. That's what he said. But that's Sigourney. She doesn't calm you down. I've never seen it, obviously. Oh, right.

I thought it was animatronic. Are you like expanding? Now my worst fear, this like gives me a chill. Well, my, this is, but this is new. My worst fear. No, my worst fear would be an animatronic gorilla. That would be my worst. Yeah. Yeah. An animatronic gorilla that can snatch your face off. Yeah, that's fine. Cause like what else could happen? I look great today though. I was just going to say, you haven't complimented me on my outfit, hair or makeup. Yeah. Yeah.

Gotcha didn't. Oh, we have fun. Hey, we have a ball. Is that my care? Hi, Georgia. You know what? We won four signal awards for this podcast. Of course, all the fan votes. Sexy. None of the critical votes. Intellectual. Good. Nasty. Gooning. Alternative. Ladies. Signal. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's podcasting awards.

You think it is. What would they be like? We want car motor of the year. Like, but all the categories we want, I believe we're fan boat, which I love. Thank you.

But we never win for quality, critics choice. Well, we don't talk about white people killing each other. I know. We don't talk about husbands and wives murdering each other in the suburbs. You know, should we, should we start a true listen? No, I'll start the crime. You can investigate it. We do a true crime podcast, but since we don't want to tread anything, we go do the crimes and then we reported it and we have the scoop because we did it.

Yeah, Batman and Robin. So apparently he went back to his house and killed his husband for watching Gorillas in the Mist. I was like that. And then it cuts to me. Something about that sounded so familiar.

Hmm. And then we connect the dots, but then I have to go like crazy obsessive Claire Danes, you know, Homeland kind of like notes on the wall about it. Even though all of the evidence is right there for everybody. You know everything, but you got to make a show like you're figuring it out. You're outside dousing with one of those like. Yeah. Metal detector. You find a wedding ring attached to a finger. I throw the finger away. I get married. Wait, wait.

Jesse Eisenberg is in a new show called Fleischman is in trouble. Okay. And I need you to know about this show. All right. Is there gorillas? No.

I thought it was going to come back to that. Okay, good. You know, Disney, Disney world. There's a ride called Kong. I'm going on it. I'm going to week. Then we're not allowed to say Disney, but maybe it would, we're not allowed to say Disney. No, we can. We can. Maybe it was universal. I don't know who owns Kong, probably Disney, but there's, that would be my, not for, what are you doing in a couple of weeks? Not for a half million dollars. Would I sit in a boat and go through that ride? Are you being a hundred percent with me right now?

Okay, maybe less. I'd probably do it for – I'd do it for – You wouldn't do it for $10,000. Okay, thank you. I mean, but I'm just trying to heighten it. You wouldn't get out of the house. But I'm trying to like build momentum here. I know, but I need truth here. This is a true prime podcast now. I need truth. I need truth. No, no, no. Jesse, so there is this drama. It's this drama show. And you know how people say you got to watch this show –

The first three episodes or the first three seasons are a little slow, but it picks up. I'm like, excuse your fucking mouth. Who the fuck has 45 minutes, let alone 45 hours to get into something that gets good eventually? Well. Fuck all the way off, you stupid bitch. Well, not every show of the first episode's amazing. This one, by contrast, honey, sweetie, baby. What show? The one I'm talking about. Trouble, Fleischman is in Trouble. Gripped me by the nalgas. Oh, you already saw it. Episode eight. What?

What happens in it? Oh, let me tell you. So it gripped me by the nalgas by the first 10 minutes. I was like, oh, okay. Love that. But I realized it's because it's about people in their early 40s. But not only that, not only that. Jesse Eisenberg is a man in New York, a doctor, and he's married to Claire Danes, who is a theatrical agent who they get divorced. You love Claire Danes?

Mama. I do. Beautiful. Beautiful. Crazy, iconic, crazy cry face. You never watch Homeland. What is it like? There's a scene, and I don't want to make light of it. To me, it got a little, I'm not sure what the correct word is. In my opinion, it got a little too much. But there's a scene where she breaks down in a support group and all these women come literally surround her. And she's like, yeah, yeah. Like that kind of thing. Very intense. Very intense. It's not funny. Yeah.

I'm not laughing. Thank you. But I didn't laugh, but I was just like, hey. But she really commits is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. She's known for it. Homeland was a lot of crazy cry face. Oh, wow. What is Homeland about? Oh, riveting for the first season. You watch the boys, Amazon? I sure fucking did. You live?

I lived mostly. I lived mostly. It's a little CW energy, but I liked it. Yeah. I just, I appreciate all the gore. Yeah. She did what Megan should have did. They are not afraid of gore. Did you see when the guy goes up the guy's pee hole? I watched it explode several times. Several times.

Several times I watched it and my pee hole exploded with something else. The graphic novels are much grayer with much more sexual violence. Yeah. Well, you can get away with that in a book. Talk about manhunt, honey. You want to talk about sexual violence, sweetie? In the TV show, the Homelander's like, bah. In the book, he's like,

He's like evil. A rapist and a murderer. Yes. It's crazy. I mean, he's very bad in the film. He is. He is. Elizabeth Shue. I mean, she's a monster. That was crazy when he burns. Spoiler alert. Burns holes straight through her head. Burns that bitch. Lights her up like a Christmas tree. It was so crazy.

I wish I had some powers like that. You want to burn up this pussy? If you had powers, would you feel a moral obligation to use them for good? What kind of powers are we talking about? Okay, let's say it's like Spider-Man where you're kind of invincible really fast. Fuck Spider-Man. That's too nebulous. But Spider-Man, he can shoot webs. He can basically fly because he can swing. Right, but it's like so he can shoot webs. Okay.

Then all of a sudden he's a parkour expert, a Ringling Brothers acrobat, like a flight pilot. It's radioactive spider DNA. I know, but choose another guy though. Choose another guy. Marvel. Batman doesn't count because there's no power. He's a man. Let's say...

Superman. Let's say you were Superman. You had, you're basically invincible, super strong. Besides flying. Would you like hide out and then use the powers for when it benefits you? Well, here's the thing about that, because you would quick in this world. I'm not trying to, I'm trying to yes, Angie, but I'm also trying to be realistic. Let's be real. You would quickly be discovered as an, um, an enemy, uh,

Because you are the ultimate threat. Right. Because if they can't control you, they want to, they want to, they're going to either use you or they're going to destroy you. Right. So I would mama fly right out of this, this nasty rock called earth. Yeah. Saturn. I think I would try to hide the powers because I would be afraid once they found out about me, they would try to lock me up and experiment on me. You know, they would, of course they would, but that'd be so lonely. Did you see bright burn?

No, no. The kid, right? Conti Diva Fiercely. The kid is like evil, right? Evil powers? Yes. It's like Superman, but what if he landed and was not exactly... What if he's a little evil? Pooper Man. And so the son that they love gets powers and... It's kind of like Eli. And it gets fierce. Oh, it's Eli with Superman. It's crazy. That's great. Elizabeth Banks.

Plays the mom. It's Cunty. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Cunty. Did we ever talk about the Elizabeth Moss remake of Invisible Man? Now that we're on the subject. I think we did. That was so crazy. But you know who I love? The gentleman who played the Invisible Man. The guy from Bly Manor. Yeah. Oh, that's right. He's sexy. He might be from Bly Manor. He might be from House on Hill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hill House. Yeah. He's so sexy. And I liked the Elizabeth Shue Invisible Man shit.

No, Elizabeth Moss or Shu. Sorry, Elizabeth Moss. Because Shu was in it with Kevin Bacon. And I like the idea of everyone being like, no, he's dead. Gaslighting. He's dead. And you're like, no, he's invisible trying to kill me and no one believes you. Gaslighting. Love that. Yeah, love that. The scene in the restaurant. And there's the scene in the restaurant because when she finally gets the sister almost on board with her, the loud, there's the comedy of the waiter, the pretentiousness. And it out of fucking nowhere, that spoiler,

throat slashed framed it was shocking it was amazing I was in a theater in Germany and I was like this I was truly gagged my mouth was I was like oh Scheisse yeah it was crazy I love the cinema for that reason love this I don't I'm trying to watch more things well you okay you've got to watch Fleischman is in trouble Jewish well not to be a nerd alert but I'm either reading books right now or playing video games

TV is just not a priority to me. But David last night was watching Dick Tracy and I was like, I'm leaving. This is a book. It was based on a book and I heard the book was very good. If you can read the book. What's it called?

A Fleischman is in trouble. What's it about? It's about a couple who is divorced and it's about, it's just, it's Lizzie Kaplan is the narrator and she's also a part of his trio. Kaplan university. Absolutely. She's the chaplain of Kaplan university. Yeah. Lizzie. You're close. But Adam Brody. Uh-huh. Setsi. Setsi. Very hot. Setsi. Did you like promising young woman? Uh,

I watched it twice three years ago. Listen, cinema lives forever. You know what he keeps saying to David? What? The movies are back. And he's like, what are you talking about? I said, I don't know. The other day I turned to him and I said, well, you know, genre films just don't sell anymore.

And he goes, what are you talking about? I said, I heard it, but doesn't it sound smart? Wait, wait, you're going to gag. I said, I don't know what a genre film is. The other day I was, I went to the plant store and I was like talking to Andrew and we're walking down the street and I was like, I was like, girl, you wouldn't believe it. I was like at the, um, I was at the plant store yesterday. It was packed. He was like, he was like, we'll go Sunday. And I was like, but it was the day before. He was like Saturday.

It was so funny. Okay. Anyways. We have really weird friends. Very weird. Very weird. We're normal. We're the normal ones. Hello. Look at this. Look at this. I'd like to acknowledge that I'm dressed as you today and I'm okay with that. Well, you're like the elevated version of me, except I probably wouldn't do those like cloven hooves sticking out of those. I think these are, these are look double strap. Ooh.

It's not the double strap that is, you have very shapely, lovely ankles and tapered calves. It's just the honey baked ham poking through the strap. Oh, you like a closed toe? Yeah, with pantyhose on. Oh, I get it. And also the foot pad is so very visible. Anything else you hate about my drive today? Anything else you've been harboring? Oh, wait, wait, wait. So. What? I want to talk to you about this, but it's going to take forever. Well, let's take a break. Okay.

And we're back. What is it? It's about the fact that as you get older and have more experience, and especially with an artistic mind or creative job, whatever, it's hard to be wowed by visual things. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Because you're so used to being wowing. No, I'm not talking about. What are you talking about? Say you're a fashion critic. Uh-huh.

It's hard to be wowed because it's kind of all you can get into this jaded cynical like what's all been done before. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah. And a lot of times, like if you're critiquing an outfit or like a home decor or interior design, do you know what I'm saying? It's like, yeah, it's like everything is.

The truth is everything is derivative. Everything has been done. It's a referee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which shouldn't be discouraging. I always think that should be encouraging because there's no pressure to invent the wheel really in any art form. No. And I think visual art ended in 1930. Visual arts especially, your job is to pick up the tools that everyone else uses and do your thing. Right. But nothing's ever blindingly original. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's like,

The Beatles happened. And then everyone sounds like the Beatles. And then those artists grew up to sound like the artists that imitate the Beatles. And I mean, everything just is a regurgitation, especially in drag. I mean, all we do is copy. Oh, yeah. But drag is exempt because we are literal. Pastiche is the format. You know what I mean? Like impersonation is the game. Like theft is the technique. Yeah. It's almost like.

drag in general is more like collage or like decoupage. Yeah. Or we're not doing oil paintings. No, we're not. We're not the Dutch masters. Mary, we're not kind of a geo. We're not Michelangelo. No, nothing of the sort, but, um, the, uh, it's just like, Oh, music. Oh, music is the same five songs. I don't worry. It is, but still, right. Right. But then, so I saw a tar bringing it back to the movies. Um,

Tar, the movie Tar. You didn't see Tar. No, I've never been heard of it. Are you serious? So Cate Blanchett plays this. She plays Tar. Lydia Tar. Her name is Lydia Tar, a lesbian conduct. Psychic.

Was that psychic or was that just talking? I think it was. You know, I love to be like, that was psychic. And you're like, lately I've been like, was this psychic or was this a memory? Or continuing a conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Responding to a question. But earlier I said a clueless thing and Brandon was standing next to me with a clueless mirror and he goes, oh, did you see this mirror? And I said, no, I just thought that. I thought it was a mirror.

I think you have a sixth sense. But also that's my item in my house. Yeah. Because I like. And you saw it 30 seconds before. Yeah. Well, I have this thing where when I when I think something, it's usually based on something around me. And then I believe that that was ESP.

You're just turning back time. Exactly. Yeah. Well, okay. So she plays the lesbian conduct, a conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic and about present day ish and her life unravels for whatever reason. But nevermind the fact that Cate Blanchett is pornographically beautiful, pornographically talented. Yeah. You believe that this is a real person. Yeah. It's a biopic. It's not. And anyways, yeah.

Mama music. Classical music. You hate it? No, no, no. I love it. You do? I had two cookie edible marijuana cookies. Okay, this is part of it. And then, so she's working on Mahler, Gustav Mahler's symphonies. I think there's like nine of them or five of them or whatever. And the focus is on number five and she doesn't get to conduct it. I put that on the noise canceling headphones after the marijuana hit.

transported to another realm, a realm where the excellence and the precision of an orchestra creates a universe of wonder. Unbelievable. I'm not super fond of classical music. That's in... So that's what I'm... How? How?

I like words and singing. But you doing it. I mean, I've been in orchestras. I've done like I've been in bands and orchestras. I like it while I'm doing it. I would rather be in the show than watch it. I get very bored at things like that. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to go to the club and have them play like, you know, Beethoven. Have you ever been to like a proper dance concert? Of course. Of course. It's boring. I mean, I'm just saying, unless it's like contemporary hip hop numbers and stuff. Mama. Yeah.

modern dancers doing contemporary dance music like it's well it's so freaking girl so there's a you you gotta watch tar for this because she is uh she has a um a teaching gig at juilliard early in the film where the student is conducting a contemporary piece that's like you know atonal crap she reads them the house down boots for it and um and she's like

You have to appreciate the greats, but he won't because it's like the greats were problematic. It's a very fierce scene. But anyways, so it's ignoring the whole, like this whole history of brilliant genius artwork. It's like, I can't look at a Rembrandt because he, you know, he didn't recycle. Right. But so anyways, the, but the genius of these, these, these symphonies, they are.

Off the charts, Dina Martina, five stars, Siskel and Ebert. They're as good as Dina Martina. Almost as good. I would say that Dina Martina is Beethoven. Of that type of drag? Yes. She keeps it snappy. She's amazing. No, I know. But she's the jiff that keeps on jiffing. She's no Gershwin though. She is so funny. I once saw her do I'm Coming Out, the Danny Ross song. It was the top of her show. Before she came out, she was behind the curtain. She goes, okay, I'm going to come out.

Okay, I'm coming out. And then she came out and she had a headband that wrapped around her head with one of these microphones on a gooseneck that's held here. And that was her microphone holder. And she came out and she said, I came out. And then she starts singing, I'm coming out. It

It was so, she is so funny. The clip of her at Wigstock with the rose is probably, if any alien or foreign dignitary or Grace Kelly or Princess of Monaco comes to visit and says, tell me about your culture. I would just show her that little clip from Wigstock, Dina Martina. I would show them Hocus Pocus 2. Off the charts.

I would show them Hocus Pocus 2 and Cadet Kelly. I would put on the Whatcha Packin' with the audio off and tape their eyes to the screen. You know what we should do with like, you know how like, you know how if you, ESP. I did that with my mind. ESPN. You know what? I forgot what I was going to say. Oh, remember how people used to say like, ooh, if you play the Wizard of Oz and start Dark Side of the Moon, it all lines up.

We should start investigating. Like if I play Ashley Simpson's autobiography album. And jerk off to like. While I watch Whatcha Packin'. Oh yeah. Is there going to be some kind of. Is that a form of divination? I think it's just called a mashup. Well there's a form of divination where you flip open a book and you like pick random words. Sure. That could be helpful. Oh that's. Yeah.

Just like for stuff. Just in general. Lottery numbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't go to the therapist. Crack open a book. How many lottery numbers is the lottery? No, I mean like how many numbers do you pick? Five? The power, it depends on the lottery. The power ball? But let's say it's five. Do you think somebody ever wins by picking one, two, three, four, five? And do they feel so cunty when they do? I think. Or did so many other people pick that? You know? I think that's the statistic question we should ask someone in probability.

Cause it's like, the numbers I always pick are my daughter's birthday. But then like, if you never had, you basically by having a daughter, you, you started a wheels in motion to make yourself win the lottery. That is a really good point. If you have a daughter, the wheels are in motion for you to win the lottery. Time doesn't exist. Nothing ever ends. It's a flatbread circle. It all comes back. We have to, Watchman's done.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's just the problem is it is timeless and it does always come back. Well, that is so what I was going to say. You know, if you're a little torn up about talking about movies three years ago, mama, cinema is timeless. That's the thing with great artworks. They're not going nowhere. Great song is going to be great in 20 years. Don't you worry about it, baby. You don't have to be on the cutting edge of nothing. No, that's why I'm going back to Mahler.

Well, people are always like, you never heard the term like one hit wonder used as a derogatory statement. Excuse me. That's the lottery. Mama. That's the lottery. It's called retiring early. That's the lottery. I love Devo. That's the lottery. I love Devo. I love their records. I love all their B-sides. Whatever. After Whip It?

That's called retiring early. You're not a one-hit wonder. That's striking gold. Yes. One-hit wonder like, oh, they had a major global hit and then their career never seemed to continue to rise to that occasion. It's like, girl, eat your checkers. Eat your checkers. The songs that are mega hits that get used in commercials and movies and stuff are usually older. They're not going to use...

Break my soul in a Chili's commercial tomorrow. Of course. Probably in like 20 years they will. When it stands the test of time is a great piece of music. And then it's like a retro, like, oh, I love that song. Everyone knows it. Of course. So if you're like Donna Summer, who I believe is dead. Is she dead? No. But if you're Donna Summer and Applebee's is using hot stuff, are you just like, I can't believe this song I wrote decades ago. I'm getting paychecks now.

Oh, Donna Summer. What a goddess. The winter of our lives. She was. Oh, I watched so many videos of her performing. And, you know, that was a time of singing live and all that. Unbelievable. Like head to toe Bob Mackie just singing her face off. She was from Massachusetts, I believe. Roxbury or Dorchester. How can you be homophobic if you are Donna Summer? Easy. Boston, mama. I'll do it to you.

How can you wear sequins and sing disco? She worked at Dorothy's Boutique, bitch. She did? Yes. Yes. In the summer? She was looking for some hot stuff. Oh, we can't. She has great music. Yeah, great tunes. Oh, is it- You know what was on my Spotify was Bad Girls. It's a great track. Well, beep, beep. I was going to- Oh, this is a studio talk only thing, but we remade it as Choo Choo.

Eat, eat. Fat girls. Oh, I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talking about what the fat was about. I've done a similar thing with fatnista. You have to have a plate, grab a plate, and load a plate. Yeah. Faces. Fat. She's always on the street looking for something to eat. No skinny's allowed. We just got to do a hit song and then we can leave all this behind. Yes. I'm dying to do a hit song and I want it to be about the weather.

Love it. I've watched the weather episode from our own show like twice the other day. It's great. It's a mood booster. It really is a good one. All this rain. Maybe think of the weather. It was also a really funny like...

It's almost like we've talked about everything and all that's left is the weather. The weather, yeah. There's a lot to talk about though. But with all this rain in LA, I have to say, I can't stop talking about it and I can feel myself becoming more dull because I'll be like, I get in the Uber, I'm like, this rain. Can you believe this rain? This rain. I said it like, like I said it ironically on New Year's at a party and then,

Halfway through the party, the irony faded. And the next day, it was sincere. I had become that person. I'd be interested in the rain and talking about it. But the truth, I mean, go to my guest bathroom. I don't want to. Water dripping. It's...

It's flooding. It's Titanic. I floated on a door from that hallway into here. Yeah. You had a turd on a door and you had to let it sink. No, no, no. Something new happened to me. Something new happened to me. Something new happened. Hold on. What's the time? Let's see. Something new. Something new. Something new. Anything new? Anything new? Oh, I saw a huge dildo up my ass. Did you really? Yeah. How big was it? I got it all the way up there. How big was it?

How big and thick? Because it was thick. Length is one thing. No, no, no. You know I got the shortest little teeny weeny... Bread box. Yeah. Bread box. It's like a Pez dispenser. Just in length anyways. It just didn't go up very far. But anyways, it was heavy and huge and thick. But it has a suction. And I couldn't believe the physics that allowed it. I was like, this world is wonderful. There's so much we don't know. It stuck to the suction to the shower wall with...

No problem. And anyway, aren't you afraid of like falling in the shower and then like at my age, absolutely impaling yourself on a giant dong. Not only that, I have pebbles. I have those fish tank rocks. Reflexology stones in my shower floor. Wait a minute. Reflexology. The bottom of your shower is rocks. Reflexology. Are you sure you're not rinsing yourself off in a fish tank?

There were a lot of fish in there. No, no. It's the stones. It's stones. It's the smooth stones. Oh, I thought it was like loose stones. Yeah. Wood chips. And yeah. A lot of pelt sawdust. I sleep on a pelt. And then I got a bunch of jelly beans in there. Yeah. But, and I, I just, it was, I mean, this was a two hander for sure. And, you know, ever since, ever since I stuck my hand up that guy's ass and I'm,

I'm watching this show about divorce and they're in their early 40s. I just thought, I got to take it. Something's got to give. Right. You're starting to engage in taboo behaviors because you're sort of like, well, my body's on the down. And things are worn out. It's sort of like when that hair tie gets old and you have to start wrapping it twice because it's stretched. And then all of a sudden it's Wednesday morning and you're putting your hair in a ponytail with packing tape. It's like...

See, I don't have sex that much. And so when I do, I'm always like, ow, I don't want that. I'll look great. I'll look great. David's eyes and goes, ow. And then he's going to change your diapy and it's a whole mess. Yeah. No, but so I, we did have sex in the new house. Okay. And you know, new bed, new bedding, new bedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brown sheets. The way I gave him a death warning of in this house with this fancy, you made me buy these sheets.

We will be doing a tarp every time we do this because tarp it up if we ruin this rapid We're not getting another one you get it. We're sick on the floor shrink wrap you shrink wrap the bed every night And then you just get one of those big ziplocs. Yeah, I

Vacuum pack. Yeah. Because I was like, we're not doing lube. It's not feces. It's lube. Lube gets on something. It's stained and it's never coming out. I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you and you and you about the dangers of silicone lubricant. It's really crazy. It will stain everything. Your fabrics. It will end your life. It will never come out. The life of a loved one when they slip on the kitchen floor, the bathroom floor. If you get on the floor, bad.

move to another location. You have to sell the house. You know you can use it for wigs? Of course you can. Shea Couleé, I remember, we did a pride together. For a ponytail? And she put it in a ponytail. Smooth. No flyaways. Speaking of ponytails. Take it off. Do it. Yes, Megan! Why don't I do like a... It's actually not the worst thing. It's great. It's another look. It's another wig. And we're experimenting with new... And you could dress it up with some shoes.

I should put a couple of these on shoes. Absolutely. It actually is not the worst thing. No, it's, what's her name? Velma. Flintstone. Oh, it is Flintstone. Wilma. Wilma. Wilma. Wilma. Wilma Valderrama. Yes. Love her. Yes.

So before we wrap it up, and we are wrapping it up, we're not going to just hang up the phone like we usually do. We usually go. Okay, bye. Let's wind down because when I'm listening to a podcast that I love, and I have to remember that people love our podcast. If Nympho Wars ever ends abruptly, I am horrified.

Heartbroken. Yeah. I have to hear it coming. I know it's not considered of us. Thanks a lot, bitch. Yeah. You know, it's not considered of us. Sarah Silverman does this thing where she goes, dad, I'm winding down. She lets her dad know who listens. I love that. He doesn't like when she quits all the time. Of course. So maybe we should start saying it's toward the end. Yeah. Or maybe we should do something at the end. A natural wrap. No, we just like, well, as we're wrapping up before we finish, I want to mention one thing, you know what I mean? And then it's,

We just have to give some kind of signal, some kind of signal. Oh, signal awards. Or indication that we're drawing to the close of the podcast. Anyways. What if it goes like this? I'm tired. Can we stop? And I say, yes, let's go to bed together and have sex. Please let me talk about my giant dildo.

Right now. Yeah. Well, I started the story. Oh, sorry. Why don't you, before we go, why don't you finish the dildo story? Yes. I just want to end on this note is that I fit the whole thing in there and it's, you know, you got to put it in and there's a good size, like, okay. I'm going to, I'm just doing my hands.

Oh, oh my God. It is a large, I would have to say it's eight inches long at least, but I didn't get the whole, the length is not what we're worried about. And what about the very thick? It's a thick dick. Red Bull? It's not quite, oh, definitely Red Bull. This is, this was up your ass. This is a little, it was a little larger, but of course it's not a can. It's just a bit squishy. It's silicone, but it is definitely the size, if not a teeny bit bigger than this can.

So, and I'm telling you, you're in your fucking bottom era. Oh my God, your fucking bottom era. You fucking pig nasty bottom fisting loads. So I'm, it's not a sniffy situation. I'm just trying to like, I'm just trying to grease the wheel. I'm trying to keep wood in the fireplace. I have like extra paper towel. I'm just trying to be prepared.

Well, it's one of those things like you do fire drills so that when there's a fire, you know what to do. I know where the fire extinguishers are. So if Dwayne Johnson ever shows up to your house and pins you down with that 18-inch sardine can. Yes. Well, because I did have sex with a guy not too long ago who had that size dick and it was lovely to look at. Beautiful to fondle. But when it comes time to anally insert it, I said, Mary, that's...

We're talking fairy tales. This is Hans Christian Andersen. We're talking metaphysical inconsistencies. The Einstein Rosen bridge. Yeah. We're not, we're not, we're not holding space to get that. I mean, he pulled it out and you said, is that something you want? Well, let me tell you, you're never going to get it. And on that note. And on that note, Hey, uh, also, you know, to wash it after, right? What my, the butt or the.

No, that brown is like a cast iron pan. It gets seasoned. It gets seasoned. Got it. Okay. You put it in the dishwasher. No, no, no, no, no. You let it be. It's seasoned over time. Cast iron. Oh, I put some reeds in it like a diffuser. Burn the pee hole. Burn the piss slit. I hang it on the, I hang it outside. You know what they're great for? I stick it to the outside of the house. Let nature take care of it. I donated them to a bunch of people who install plate glass windows so they can. Rock climbing. Yeah. Rock climbing. Yeah.

Whoa. That's your power. You're not quite Spider-Man, but you climb buildings with those. I'm free solo. Free solo with the dicks, mama. Get into it, girl. Bye. Bye. Bye.