Bottoming Ain't Easy with Trixie and Katya
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I ate some black beans, a greasy souffle. I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like... It's funny because you say that and I saw the pictures of you at the gala. The one that Out Magazine and The Advocate threw for the 25th anniversary of Shitting My Pants by Sherry Vine. I don't like that. I don't like pooping stories.

Roll the clip. No, no, no. Last week when my mom got me sick or got sick at my mom's house, they didn't just tell me, God, we were sick. They were like, couldn't stop. They were like, couldn't stop pooping. Puking. I'm like, we get it. Yeah. We get it. We get it. Also, like, why?

I mean, we're this close to colonizing Mars and yet we haven't figured out that whole piece. You know what I mean? How about this? This is my shark tank idea. You know the little blue tabs you put in the tank of the toilet to make the water blue? Yeah, of course. I think I want to do that like an acid tablet that makes your pee blue. My pee was green once.

Too much riboflavin. I was taking a lot of vitamins and they said, Oh, it was like, yes. They said at a certain point you start peeing out too much. It's just peeing. But my pee was green. I was like, I thought I either had an STI or alcoholism. Like I was like, Oh, my liver's dead. I thought it was like, have you ever peed blood? No.

no but i bled pee no i'm just kidding um you know what i need to figure out how to navigate when i step off state off stage when i step off stage if the djing sorry i need to figure i need to figure out how to decline photos because easy trapdoor but the level of sweating at the end of like kansas city pride the level of sweating when i walked off stage this entire part of my face was

Like I could see the real skin. Yeah. Gone. Yeah. Yeah. You're not photo ready. A photographer was like, I'm gonna get a picture of you. And I was like, I can't, I'm too sweaty. He was like, Oh, I'll take care of you. And I said, no, I can't. And he was like, are you sure? I said, no, no, no, I can't. I said, tell you what, pick any photo for my Instagram and post it. And I'll say that you took it. Yeah.

I said, I'm just trying to get out of you taking a picture because I'm telling you it's disgusting. This brings up a point that I need to talk to you about. This has been on my mind for quite some time. Squarespace? No. Beeps? I want to sell you some knives. Uh-huh. No, this thing you're just talking about when they say, oh, can I get a thing? You're like, oh, no, no, no. Like, no, I'm like, you're saying I'm good. Yeah, you're saying you're not comfortable. And they say, oh, I don't mind.

You mind. I mind. So when people, and this happens a lot, like, it's like, oh, like, can I get a hug? It's like, oh, I'm so sweaty. I don't care. It's like, but I care. Yeah. Thursday, Friday. I care. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Milwaukee, Salt Lake City, and Kansas City. All three of those prides. As soon as I stepped off stage to go step off stage, get a breather, sweat. Yeah. At the end, like to wait for my car to go home. Yeah.

Four to six gay guys who know someone at the festival want a picture. And I feel bad because so sweaty that I'm like, it's not the night. It's not the moment. The moment was before meet and greet, whatever. But at this moment, I'm just scared because when I say, no, I don't want to take a picture of him too sweaty for the rest of their lives. Those people are going to be like, she wouldn't take a fucking picture of my life. Right. It's like, I mean, I've, I've been in a situation where like you, it's like,

My default is, of course, I'll take a picture, whatever. But if I say, I look so horrible right now, I would never want to be photographed. And the person's like, oh, I don't care. It's like...

I know you don't care. Yeah. What I'm saying is I care. I care. And there's two people here. And they're like, but you're a drag queen. You don't have dignity. Well, like, pretty much. And that happens a lot with stuff. It's like when you, it's like when people don't respect, I guess it's what you don't respect boundaries or something like that. Or, or like, you know, that drives me nuts. Not just with the pictures. There's other scenarios where it's like, um,

Like, can I have a hug? Oh, I don't want to. I don't know. I'm trying to think of a better example. I think the equivalent of that is when someone on Grindr who has no pictures asks you for a picture. What are we doing there? Girl, what is happening there? What is happening there? Do you have more pics? What channel are you watching?

You've provided zero, zero photos of you. And you want to see, you want to start to see what my fingerprints, you want to read my palm bitch. Do you want the birth certificate? I would get to go to the baby book. You want to, you want a PDF of my baby book photos. Let's start there. And you've presented zero. Nothing. Oh, I don't need to see anything. I don't need to see anything. I'm not curious. I'm open. That's a girl that's up there with the straight guys who ask, are you clean?

I'm like, you've never been to an STI doctor in your life. Am I clean? You're the one fucking people on the side, girl. Clean. Because you saw on TV that everyone gay has AIDS. Hello. That's what it is. Clean. Mama, you're clean. You don't have 9 million little mites on your face like every human being? I don't like to talk about that. So I lost you there. It's true. There's something very wrong there. 9 billion little mites on your face? Everybody's face? I know, but when you zoom in on them too, they...

Chomp chomp. They look gross. They are gross. Because human beings are a festering, walking piece of disgusting, horrible trash. So what happens? They just, ooh, there ain't no other way. No. Rah, rah, ooh, la, la. Just chomping on your face. Smart food. Okay, everybody watch. What the fuck is smart about that little bitch thing? Have you ever had this? Of course I have. This is the best low calorie popcorn. This white cheddar. For real? This little bag is 70 calories. Get out of here.

Sounds too good to be true. How do they do it? Sounds too good to be true. Probably chemicals. How are there no calories in Diet Coke? Tell me that. How are there no calories? You multiply and then you divide. I don't know, actually. I just said that. But so it's like, is it as if you're ingesting nothing?

Well, what do you think about, well, have you ever had the Zevia root beer? Zevia is like a sugar-free calorie-free soda. And they make a root beer flavor that I'm not kidding. Tastes exactly like root beer. I will, I will see you in court, bitch. Zero calories. Are you friends with Taylor Swift?

You are. I will see you in court. Judge Jeanine is going to bang her gavel and be like, we need to kill him. We need to kill it. You're not. You're lying. I'm not lying. It's good. Is it the same as sugar full, full fat root beer? No, of course not. But it's good. So you lied. Yeah, but I don't drink full fat soda. I haven't had a straight diet Coke in at least five years. It's very.

A straight Diet Coke? You mean a Coke? Yeah, I only drink Diet. I don't drink real soda ever. Like full fat soda. Even when I was like drinking rum and Coke, it was like rum and Diet. Like I don't like full Coca-Cola. I mean, it's extremely sweet. It's a shock to your system. And I used to date a guy who drank like a case a week and I'd be like, this is a lot.

Full sugar Coca-Cola is crazy to drink. Well, there was a sale. I drink it a lot. And so there was a sale, like the food cafeteria at the college I went to had like a barn door sale or whatever. Basically, it was a clearance. It was the end of the semester. They're like, they're selling barn doors, huh? Giving the shit away for free. I took cases of full fat Coke cans. And there was one day where I think I drank. With soda in it?

Cans. Coca-Cola classic. Can't beat the real thing. I think I drank 10 cans in one day. That's disgusting. I know. I also smoked probably a pack and a half of cigarettes indoors that day too. I was 22. Gay, straight, or bi. Lesbian, transgender life. I stopped self-tanning. What do you think of my skin color?

I think you look like a white person. Do you notice how it's almost the same color as the shirt? No, so you have even skin though. You have even skin. You have even complexion. Let's see. Let's see. Yeah. Not blotchy. Not patchy. No, it doesn't. Not veiny. You know? Nothing. Well, you're, yeah. What do you mean? Normally when people do this, their bicep changes shape or size. Look at this. There is a change. I see a change. No, it looks like the back of an old woman's ankle. You're not actually flexing though.

Flex and then to curl the wrist. Yeah, there you go. There you go. I don't see it. How's the weight? I don't see it for me. How's the weightlifting journey? Is it happening? It's good. But this week when I was running on A, three days of being sick. Oh gosh. And then B, when you're running on flight all day, show at night. Yeah. You can't exercise on five hours of sleep. You just can't. So one day at one of the gyms, I did.

Okay, this was Wes Craven's The New Nightmare. Why? I'm exhausted. I get to Salt Lake City. I go to my sound check and then I was like, let's go to the hotel. I wait almost an hour to get the car. The car they sent takes almost an hour to pick me up at the Pride. So I'm just sitting there. What? Just sitting there waiting, waiting, waiting. We get to the hotel. It's 3.50, which most check-ins are by 4. No, it's 3. 3, right? 3 o'clock.

It's almost four. And I go, I gotta check in. And they go, we don't have your room ready yet. Now every other gig they ever book you at, if there's even a chance, they book the room the night before. So that you have both days. That's the rule. It's 3.50. I go, can I get in? They go, we don't have room for you actually. And I'm just so downtrodden and ready to sleep that I'm like, whatever.

Brandon's room's ready, mine isn't, whatever. You didn't fly off the handle like a diva? No, of course not. You didn't pull a Jason Wimberly? No, I own a motel. I would never mistreat other motel people. These are hotel people. Yeah, this is a... I don't want to say... Was it the Four Seasons? It was the... in Salt Lake City. Okay. This is a fancy hotel. It's 420, still no room. 430, still no room. I go, can I go to the gym or something so I have something to do instead of sit in this lobby?

And they go, I'll check with my supervisor. So then they're checking with the supervisor to see if I can go to the gym. Because I don't have a room key. Like I haven't checked in yet. But they know that you are indeed a guest of the hotel. So then finally, I'm at the gym. It's 5.10. I'm walking downstairs and they're like, it's time for you to check in. 5.10 is too late for check-in. 5.10 is too late for check-in. So this is where little Miss Karen comes out and starts yippity-yapping. It was hard. It was hard to not be like, you guys know this is crazy. 5 o'clock.

I've got to be DJing in a few hours. Actually, I would have directed my ire towards the promoter, whoever booked the hotel. Yeah. Because the hotel people, they got a lot on their plate. They got other people. They got people shitting and pissing and cumming in all the sheets and stuff. They got things going on. Well, that's the thing. I thought, oh God, it's pride week too. They're probably taking long to clean the room because there's probably anal blood on the wallpaper. There's silicone lube waxing.

filled with blood, pus, shit. And then poppers eating a hole through the carpet. Yeah. G tearing up the upholstery. Yeah. Somebody tried to douche and put a human turd in the shower, in the shower. There's pookies hanging from the ceiling. Somehow a hundred percent pookie wind chimes. Yeah. Uh,

A coke residue. Everywhere. Everywhere. So I figured they're probably having to just deep clean the shit out of this. So I would call, I would like, I would boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Hello, Mr. Promoter. You need to come right down here and fix this. You know what I mean? But then I thought by the time they get here, what if the room's ready? Also, where was the promoter?

How come you're being mishandled like that? I don't know. Why are you accepting? Why are you not? Because it's a pride. Prides are usually a lot of volunteers and shit. I'm not going to. Oh, please. You know, they don't do this every day. They do it once a year. I'm like, whatever. It was an oversight. Whatever. I find it unacceptable. I know. But there's times like that where you miss having a tour manager. Yeah. Where you go like, please someone. Now, is Brandon with you? Yeah. He was. He didn't tear it up like Karen? He. No, I don't think.

He got $100 credit for room service. Thank you. And he knows that I don't like that type of behavior. Of course. It would embarrass the shit out of me. The hotel employee, they don't know you. They have no involvement in your booking. They also know, so then I don't want a story that

They knew who I was and I was playing at the pride. So they don't want them to do it. And they were still not accommodating you. Yeah. But I didn't want the story to be that I was rude to them. Well, this story, the story should have been, Oh, Mr. Fergus, Ms. Mattel right this way to the penthouse. Sorry that your room wasn't, we were able to upgrade you for it for no extra charge. And also here's a gold bar. We're going to shove up your ass. What if the rooms are any in 10 minutes and I make a complaint about nothing?

I just think after five, the check-in is really unacceptable. Yeah, it's crazy. Because I know you're going to be banging on my door at 8 a.m. asking me if I'm gone yet. So, like, can I have this five seconds? No.

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Have you ever been walked in on by housekeeping jerking off? Or let me ask you, how many times has that happened? No, you can hear them come in. Are you jerking off with headphones on and sensory deprivation tank? What are we doing? I mask headphones. Dino bones. I mask with headphones. Yeah, you know Leo DiCaprio? So you wouldn't know if you walked in either. Headphones, dino bones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Headphones, dino bones is his nickname. Because he has sex with headphones on, noise-canceling headphones on, and he has dino bones in his house.

Leo DiCaprio. He has sex with headphones on? Famously. You're kidding me. Headphones dino bones. You're kidding me. I'm not kidding you. I mean, I haven't personally fucked him, but many girls have, and it's strange. I hope it's like, so girl who had sex with Leo DiCaprio, why do you think he has headphones on? She's like, I don't know. He really liked my pussy, but he wouldn't say why. He didn't want to hear me. Am I talking to myself here, Lee?

I hope it's somebody with a really hot voice like that. Every single woman. Every single girl is stunning. Every single woman. And like, well, yeah, yeah. Leo, it's time for me to blow you.

But so this is like how, I mean, I'm obsessed with these kind of, oh, and I got the tea from an industry insider about a famous, this is a blind item. I'm not going to say who, but a famous A-list singer who is confirmed. I was like, is he gay? And my friend was like, he's a gutless bottom. Gutless bottom. It is, right? Yeah.

It is? You were there. You were there. I was? Yes, you were in my house. Yeah, of course. It was the day after your surgery. Pass around gutless bottom. I don't know. I haven't been bottoming much. And now when I do want to bottom, it takes me a long time to do it. I used to be able to pull it out like a magic trick. And now when I do want to bottom, I'm like...

It's like a regional production of rent. Yeah. I mean, bottoming is always hard. I don't understand these people who can just easily do that, but... I don't think it's easy. I think there's a lot of smoke and mirrors we're not privy to. It's hard to bottom. Yes. And I don't want to kill the vibe, but I also wish you could just get on top of me and put your dick in me and we could proceed. Right. But we're probably going to have to do a little bit of precursor to that. Mm-hmm.

I think I'm getting to the point where because I don't bottom much when I want to have sex with my boyfriend, I think we might have to become like one finger, then two finger, then three finger people. Like we have to, I think we have to like slowly work up to it because it's hard to have sex. It's hard to bottom. Yeah. It's, it's definitely not simple. It's not simple. And if you don't do it a lot, your body takes longer to relax to it. Whereas like, I don't know when, when I'm first dating someone and we're having sex all the time, it's pretty much easier all the time.

You know? Yeah. I mean, that's why I just, I don't know. I like to keep, I like the fact that it's complicated, but then again, I have them tape a sandpaper around their penis before they put it in me. Well, but the paper tape faces their dick. Exactly. Cause you don't want to line your asshole. No, but I do want to, but no, I, I, for me, if I have you ever seen the human centipede too, you know, I've never seen the human centipede one. Okay. The human centipede too. There's a scene where there's a guy who is,

Jerking off to security footage and he has in his hand sandpaper. He's jerking off with sandpaper You gotta watch that. Wait a minute. I do watch 13 cameras, honey, baby doll darling. I think I'm changing honey No, honey. I think I'm changing. This is a movie. I think it's called 13 cameras. Can you look it up Tracy? I think I'm growing it's about people who move into a house and what they don't know is that in the basement I believe in the basement or maybe it's at a longer location, but I think it's the basement and

There's a landlord down with security cameras secretly in the whole house who watches them full time. And like when they're gone at work, he like goes up there and uses their toothbrush and shit like that. It's so, you have to watch it. 13 cameras. 13 cameras. I'm still. And the guy they have playing the creep is a professional creep player. He looks so scary. Jackie Earl Haley. Who is that? He's the guy there who was Freddy in the Reef.

Oh, even way creepier. But I love him. Jackie Earl Harry. Jackie Earl Haley. Jackie Haley Early. Something like that. Love him. I loved his Freddy. I know that's unpopular because nothing touches Robert England, of course, but I loved his Freddy and Rorschach, Washman. Also, when he was the pedo who chopped his own balls off. Catch it. In what? The movie with Kate Winslet and Little Children. It was a Todd Field movie, I believe.

Is it like a porn? No. Oh. No, he's a pedo and he castrates himself. It's a whole little children. So, but wait, wait, wait. I still cannot, I haven't quite moved on. My brain is still kind of like the sandpaper jerking off. Love it. Oh my God. I don't think, I think my brain, I think I've entered a part of my life where I can no longer tolerate. My tolerance for super intense gore, particularly torture, painful torture. I can't, body horror. But you like the terrifier.

No, listen. The Terrifier was an incredible experience. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget it. But you don't have to rewatch it. I don't think I'm going to watch it again. Okay. What changed? The surgery? You think because you were recently cut into, now you're like, it's too much. Well, no. I mean, Eden and I saw it in the theater and it was mouth open, eyes bulging. And also, he's so gay. He's like...

You know, it's like crazy. It's like camp. It's nuts. It's like pink flamingos. Is it really? I think so. It's like pink flamingos. Shocking. They push the envelope. It's like, how can they make a kill scene longer? Like, I'm just going to tell you what happens in this one scene. He slices her eye open. Okay. Then he fucking takes scissors and scalps her. Okay. Then he rips her arm off.

And then he takes and he cuts, he rips the, grabs these fingers and pulls them apart like a witch bone. Why? Why does he want to hurt these people? Because he's a sadistic fucking crazy clown. And then he skins her, stabs her, like skins her whole back. Then he leaves the room, comes back with bleach and salt and pours it on her and rubs it in her. And that's just like, it goes on more and more and more.

And then the mom comes home, sees it. He cuts her head off and uses it as a candy dish for Halloween. Ooh, the rain all the way. Why do you like this movie? It's not that I like this movie. It was just a crazy, shocking movie that I saw in the theater that was an unforgettable experience. The end of it, after the credits rolled, I couldn't believe my eyes what was happening.

This crazy woman was scrawling words on the wall of an insane asylum with her vaginal blood. And then she gave birth to the clown's head somehow. What? It was like, are we real? Is this like, where are we and what's going on? You know what I mean?

Put a man on the moon. Do you watch The Last of Us? I haven't watched it. You should watch that. It's scary, but not super gory. Wait, I did watch Succession. So what's the tea there? Fabulous fucking show. I read in the comments for this show that maybe we judged it incorrectly. I did too. And I fucking binged the fuck out of that. The writing is superb. Would you fuck Mr. Culkin? No. I would. Yeah.

A four foot eight inch seven. I thought about it. Oh yeah. There's a picture of him at the Critics' Choice Awards and I'm in the background. He's five eight. Yeah. Five seven maybe? Five six even. Yeah. He's fabulous. They inhabit and play those characters with such skill. They're so talented, those actors. Yeah. I thought he was hot in person when I saw him at the Critics' Choice Awards. No, he's a very attractive guy. He is. He is little. But I wasn't dragged to everyone's little. That's true. You know what I mean?

I got nominated for two more Critics' Choice Awards. Which ones? Best, I think, unscripted home thing for Trixie Motel. Best unscripted home thing. It's like best unscripted home and garden. Really? For Trixie Motel and for best host against RuPaul. So I'm going to get killed. Yeah, exactly. Me, RuPaul, Padma, which she's quitting. So I think she'll win. Oh, the Top Chef? Yeah. Ryan Seacrest.

Yeah. And who else? I'm really losing fucking Bob Barker. It's really up there. I mean, what incredible company? How about Mario Lopez? I mean,

Extra, extra. I feel like getting nominated against Ru is like... A death sentence? Yeah, I remember when Nicole would not get nominated against him. And she was always like, Nicole Byer was always like, I kind of like it because I get to go to the award show and I don't have to worry about winning. Right. You know what I mean? She was like, pressure's off. Also, but imagine if you did win and you saw Ru's face and she was there. I think what would happen is my AD magazine that's on my countertop right now would flip open.

Rue would step out of it like fucking Pennywise, one leg at a time, and crawl across the room and kill me. Yeah. It'd be like. Hello, AD. Yeah. It'd be like, congratulations, diva. Watch your back. Yeah. I think you should put on the brightest eyeshadow you have and unleash your inner superhero so that I can torture and kill it. With assault and the terrifier. I wish RuPaul would have played the terrifier. Well, they're going to do a third one.

they are yeah that actor must be thrilled he must really like playing that he's fierce he's fierce is he gay uh i don't think so actually i don't think so what does he look like is he hot outside of the clown outfit he looks nothing like it and i would have i would do sex to him i believe okay yeah he's a nice looking guy again whether or not you and i would him has nothing to do with whether or not irrelevant irrelevant irrelevant story story i was watching a movie with one of my friends and you know because of you when we watch movies i go like

I'd fuck him. Like, that's like how I react to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we're fucking pigs. I'd fuck him. We're pigs. And at Netflix, no matter who it is, if someone has one XY chromosome, we're like, I'd fuck him. Yeah, yeah. Like, anybody's asking or wondering. Nobody. Girl, buried with the Bernards, dead body. We're like, I'd fuck him. Yeah. Clothes casket. Yep. I'd do him. And I go, oh, he's hot. God, he's hot. He's hot. He's hot. Whatever. And then after a few more of these hots, my friend goes, why don't we just, you can call out if there's someone you wouldn't have sex with. Yeah.

And I felt so scalped because it was like, A, shut up during the movie. Well. Get the fag off the TV. Yeah. It was A, shut up during the movie. And B, listen, I know you're ugly and you'll fuck anyone. But those of us who have skin on our faces, who are selective about who we, you know. We've got standards. I almost said fertilize. I don't like that. What do you think about breeding? The word breeding. I need to talk. No, I need to talk to you about some stuff right now. I need to talk to you about how. Let's take a break. Okay, let's take a break.

Okay. I love gay. I am gay. I'm a gay. I love gay. Okay. Gay pride, whatever. I just think that. Did you see Mariah? No. So not really gay pride. Not that gay. Okay. I'm not that gay. I think that, I think we're taking it a little, we're pushing it to the limit. We're pushing things to the limit. Things are getting pushed to the limit.

I watched this David Attenborough documentary on Netflix about how this guy is 93 years old, the nature documentary guy. He's done millions of documentaries on nature. He knows exactly how the world is dying. We're pushing earth to the limit. Gay people are pushing sexuality and gayness to the limit. Yeah. The breeding, the lingo.

The imagery. Dump. Anonymous dump. The load collecting. This is, you're not, you don't have a butt. It's a sperm bank. Yeah. Well. And I'm just, I'm concerned. I was just a concerned citizen without judgment. I'm wondering how many loads does it take? Yeah. To find. Yeah. And yeah.

Yeah. And the way we make pride merch too doesn't always have to call back to the bedroom. I think sometimes like a baby onesie that says top, bottom, and then like undecided. Like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if as queer people we need to be immediately identified by the sex we have, which is why it's so shocking when people ask things like,

who's the top or who's the bottom relationship or who's the man or the woman it's like when you random straight person when you see me as a gay person your mind immediately thinks about what kind of sex do i have that is weird it is weird and i think i and i know from a like personal observation and you know locker room chit-chatted gay people are so wild they're wilding out with nick cannon they really are every day it's the secret life of pets it's the secret life of pets too sniffies

Snippies. It's a girl. It's, it's, it's, it's wild. It's wild enough with Nick Cannon. It is. It really is. But you know, I think snippies is sort of the frontier. It's, it's a reversion. It's encouraging knowing less about other, the partner. It's encouraging. Maybe not knowing what they look like. Yeah. Maybe in public, which also I feel like is the, the, the upside. It's a great boon for the ugly. Do you like public sex? Are you turned on my public sex? Um, uh,

No, I don't think so. Okay. So if you were somewhere, let's say you were on a beach. I don't want to get arrested. Well, let's say you're on a beach and someone really hot is coming on to you and you guys are starting to get handsy.

Would you be, would you a go along with it? Cause it's in the moment or B be like, Oh, this is better because there's excitement. Is it the excitement? Does it turn you on that someone might see you? I don't know. Sucky dick in a park bench. I don't know. Uh, no, because I think I have the, the, the fear of legal action. I don't want to be labeled a sex of

- Me too. - But if we, perhaps if we lived in a world where the naked body wasn't criminalized, things might be a little bit different. And I wouldn't even have this conversation in my head. We wouldn't be talking about load collecting. - Have you ever had sex at a gym? - No, no. - I did once. - Bathhouse.

Oh, okay. Bathhouse. Okay. Yeah. But that was like in Brazil. Yeah. Where people were, I mean, it was a place to have sex. Right. You know what I mean? Have a sexy. Have a sexy in the gym. I was at a gym once and this guy came up to me and it was one of those gyms that was like day pass. He had $22 day pass for the gym, which I was like, God, it's close to, it's close to whatever. Great. $22 for day pass. I think is a lot. Yeah. I think it's a lot. Well, yeah. Yeah.

Granted, I know as a member, I'm not a member I'm getting allowed in. I'm very thankful. Great. I'm at the gym and this gentleman comes up to me and starts talking to me. I'm like, oh, great. Oh, wow. It's like, oh yeah, this gym, whatever. And then, um, so I'm in this city and they were like, yeah, this gym is actually famously owned by like a conservative, a conservative public figure.

this, this, this gym. And it randomly is like the cruising place. And the guy's telling me this and I'm like, anyway, that's cool. And I'm so thick in the skull. I don't think I'm getting cruised. Like, I don't think I've never, I've never, you have to pay attention to get crews and I'm never paying attention. So like, you know what I mean? You have to be like, did someone look at me? Yeah. Yeah. They'd have to have two fingers up your ass for you. Like to be conscious of them. Like exactly. I have my hand phones and I'm listening to music. Like, do you remember, you know, like I have my own stuff going on.

And then I'm like, it didn't occur to me that he's might be hitting on me by making me aware of the fact that this is technically a hookup gym. And I didn't know it was a pretty empty gym, but it was the middle of the day during the week. So I figured they're all empty. I go to the locker room. The locker room is like almost like a lot of winding. Every day is a winding road. And I'm changing. And the guy who talked to me earlier comes by and he's in a towel and the towel swings open and he goes, are you coming? And I go, no.

Get out. What is this? Like you're a Debbie does Dallas. Yes. Debbie does Dallas. And I was there to work out. So I didn't know this was going to happen. So I felt almost like I would have felt pervy if I came here like. Right. Because I don't want to have sex in public. If you're going to have a hookup, do it in a room private. Me personally, I would rather do private. And this guy's like, are you coming? And I'm like.

I was on the way to the shower, so I guess technically I'm going to that area of the bathroom with you. Yes. Open concept shower? No, individuals. Individuals with frosted glass. Frosted glass? So then I'm like, well, I guess we're doing it. So then we jerked off. Oh. That's pretty mild, right? Yeah. But I wasn't looking for it. It happened upon me. That's, yeah. I mean, sex often does.

You know, I was sweating. I'm sure I looked great, bald and slick. Oh, yeah. I'm sure I looked like a cue ball with lashes. Imagine me, bitch. Imagine me. Veiny, beet red, eyes bulging, bloodshot diva. Disgusting. Like a fucking, like a killer tomato. Yeah. Flying through the air. Doing handstands. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing. I went to Equinox. I went to Equinox, a guest pass. Mama, that place. You went to Hollywood? Yeah. I've never been. How is it? Let me give you an impression of what people do at Equinox.

Oh, is this like now? Is it just like performing? It was crazy. I saw a couple of celebs. Who is it? Aaliyah Shawkat. And then a couple of other celebs. I can't remember. It was too crowded for me. It was nice, but it was like too crowded.

They have weird shit like mint infused towels. Oh, girl, who gives a fuck? That's crazy. It was too crowded. It was like 2 p.m. on a Thursday. Eden and I went and I was like, maybe this is too crowded for me. But also in LA, no one has a job. That's what she said. Yeah, I was like, these are all actors. These are all rich actors who don't have jobs. So they don't get up till noon. Then they just work out and go home. Yeah, that's why I love High Mat. But wait, I have to tell you about this show that I saw. Jacqueline Novak, Get On Your Knees.

At Largo. So, um, I've, uh, so Jacqueline Novak's comedian standup, I've heard about this show. She's been doing it for a while in New York. John Early directed it. She's in that whole crew. It's the best thing I've ever seen in my life. What's it about? So it's basically about blowjobs. So it's ostensibly a standup hour and a half, like a one woman show. And she is like,

Her delivery is so manic. I mean, the word, the amount of words that spit out of her mouth are in the tens of thousands. She's got such a, it was so virtuosic. It was like, wasn't set up punchline, set up punchline, but it was continuously funny. Sometimes hysterical. So smart. It was like, it was so fucking fabulous. It's about blowjobs.

Blow jobs, give him blow jobs. And then, but so much more. It was like about the anatomy. I mean, I can't even begin to describe it. And guess who I was seated right in front of? Who? Elizabeth Olsen. Oh, I love that. WandaVision. Did you say hi? I did not because I was going to goon and say something incredibly stupid. Yeah. I looked behind me and it was her. And I was like, I've never seen her in anything. Are you kidding me? WandaVision.

I don't watch a lot of superhero movies. - WandaVision was the first, I hadn't seen any Marvel movies before this. WandaVision is so good. - Do I have to know about other stuff? - Abso-fucking-lutely not. In fact, I would say it's better that you don't. - You think? - Yes, I know, 'cause that was my experience. It's sensational, it's sensational. It starts out so crazy. - I'm gonna watch it. - I think you'll love it. I think you'll love it. She eats down. She's so fucking good.

And she was laughing behind me and her laughter was like, it was like a, it was like, it was like a soothing angelic chapstick for my ears. Love that. It was so fun.

I love the Largo because it's small and you can see everything. Yeah. You know, I've done a few like guest spots there on people's shows and it's a really nice place to perform. Is it? Yeah. I saw Sarah Silverman with David there. Yes, that's right. We should do a pod there sometime. Sure. That would be great. I mean, I gotta tell you though, if Jacqueline, Jesus Christ, it was, I mean, it was so, it was so good. It was so crazy. It was so smart. So fabulous.

So fucking good. I hope it's, I think she's going to tape it because it's like one of her last, she's been doing it for like five years or something and she's very well received, like critically acclaimed. She's been touring it everywhere and I think she's filming it soon.

Um, it's, she's like, Oh my God, she's perfection. Wow. I hope it is film so I can see the program. Yeah. Yeah. You will. It's, I mean, if you, if she, I think she's still touring it. If you, I'm so glad I got tickets. Eden went to see it. And then she's randomly, I was like, Oh, I went to go. Me and Andrew went and I was like, Holy shit. That's the best thing I've ever seen in my life.

Sometimes shows just smack in the face like that. Smacked me in the face from the beginning. She comes out like a prayer in a gray. Does she sing? No. Gray shirt, gray pants and gray sneakers with a ponytail. Aggressively bland. Yeah. And then it's like, it's so fucking funny. It's perfect. I can't wait to see it. Yeah. You'll like it.

I went to a taping. Have you ever been to a taping of a special? Oh, you went to the Sarah one. Yeah. That was the one where she asked someone if they loved God enough, would they drink God's cum? Yeah. I went to Maria's taping too. Maria Bamford at the Novo. The Novo. Yeah. Yeah. And she kind of famous, well, not famously, but she kind of, it was a little hiccupy actually. It was fascinating to witness. That makes me feel better. Cause she saw me in Belfast and I bombed. She came to my show and I bombed so bad. And I was, I cried in the shower after the show. Fuck.

I was on the phone with David and a different time zone. Like, I'm just not a performer. I was, it was so please. I mean, the nature of standup comedy. I mean, she was like, she had, she didn't bomb, but,

but there were like a section of the show that did not make the special. Like she, they created the special where she started off in her house. You know, you saw that one. I love that special. It's fantastic. Old baby. Old baby. Exactly. Yeah. But there was a bunch, not a bunch, but like a good chunk where I was like, Oh, this is because I went with Devin green. We were looking at each other like, Oh, this is interesting. It's not, it's not.

interesting fumbling the ball yeah it's hard i mean she also does extremely uh i guess what you consider alternative comedy yeah and so i think by nature there's chunks of it that are just born to on one night work and on one night not work also how and i know she has because she talks about it some of her best bits are about this very fact like uh you know flappers in atlantic city girl maria bamford you know what i mean like yes her crowd gets her like this jacqueline novak

She's extremely intelligent. And I would say it's not for everyone. It's a kind of snobby way of saying it's like highbrow. But it's definitely not for every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Yeah. It's niche. It's alt. When I was at Kate's Cate Brolant special, it was so small. It was like less than 50 people in the audience. And I remember thinking...

This is the best thing I've ever seen. Best comedy I've ever seen. Yeah. But not for everyone probably. No, no, no. But it made me laugh so hard. But the people that it's for, the people who get it, get it so hard. Yeah. They get it so, like she deep dicked us. Kate and John worked me out. And Jacqueline is, I think it's like a, they're, John early directed the show. Yeah. And then. Do you like Joe Firestone? That bitch works me out too. I don't know. She works me out. I don't know. Comedy. I don't like it.

I don't like it. I don't like it. You know what's funny? I did it before COVID and I wasn't one of those people who did like car standup or Zoom standup. So all my, I don't really do it anymore. And man, and I don't super miss it. I don't like it. That's why. I don't miss doing one-on-one shows either. No, no, no. I don't. Now that I figured out that I can tour and let you and Kelly do two thirds of the work, I'm like, hmm. Ooh, there ain't no other way. There is a way.

There is a way. Oh my God. The blowjob queen. Get on. You got to see it. It's so fucking fierce. It's so, so damn good. I love blowjobs. I think I'm going through a sex space. Oh my God. Again. Another sex. Is it seasonal? My sexuality comes in like waves where I want to have sex all the time for a few weeks and then I don't think about it for a while. Yeah. Seasonal. Yeah. And also work permitting.

I think too. And if I wait till I'm not tired from work to have sex, then I don't have sex. So I just have to make it happen. You gotta schedule it in. Gotta schedule. What about people who are like, when are you free? I'm like next Thursday at 11 a.m. Scheduling hookups. Do you think, do you think, do you think, do you think I'm on Grindr to talk about the distant future? We have to live in the moment, Jeffrey. Well, Grindr. Yes. But I. When are you free?

Like, what are you talking about? Right, right, right. Grindr's for, do you do Grindr as like a now type of thing for you? Grindr's not a two-handed activity. Do you know what I mean? Oh, like the books you read with one hand. Yeah, this is the now. We're living in the now. Do you jerk off on Grindr? I mean, I'm on Grindr because I want sex to happen. I use Grindr with one hand because the other one is writing information down. Okay.

Because I don't like the touch screen all that task. I got to have it all down on a piece of paper. Then I go look at the paper. Then I make my decision. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. But I don't like planning. Planning. See you next Thursday for our hookup. But didn't we just talk about how bottoming requires at least a good deal of preparation? A good deal? Oh, you like a shitty ass? How long does it take you to douche? Are you kidding me? It shouldn't take longer than five minutes. You can't douche in under five minutes. I don't think you should be having sex.

I got to talk to my fucking colonologist. Yeah, do you think that you... My GI guy. I got to get him on the horn. Also, the longer you douche, you're going to create diarrhea. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Five minutes? Yeah. Anybody else out there, you should douche in five minutes. I mean, maybe it's because I'm a vegetarian and my poop is probably like rabbit pellets, but... I eat the rocks at the bottom of the fish bowl. Actually, I'm thinking about the food you eat. Maybe you should be douching a little longer. Maybe I should be eating better and not having sex. Maybe I should join a convent.

Let's wrap it up. Hey, listen, if I want to, the last thing I just have to say is Whitney Houston's acceptance speech for some kind of award she received at BET in 2001 is so crazy. What'd she say? You better lay low. It's a five minute acceptance speech and I'm pretty sure she's

high on cocaine. But it's crazy. That's when I just go, Donna, Ulysses, all the names. And then she's like, and then somebody heckles her and be like, Hey, you better lay low. And it's just, it's a rattle in my head now. You can just look it up. It's great. You better lay low. You better lay low. It's really funny. That's all.

Hey, have you watched our special yet? Or have you watched the Trixie and Katya live show yet? I've seen, not like the whole thing, but I watched all the clips and stuff. I kind of weirdly don't want to see it because I want it to live as a memory for me. Well, it's footage. It's like for, to me, it's the live stream is footage. I've seen the footage. I've done the show. It doesn't really hold much interest in my particular brain. I want to see bloopers. There's bloopers, right?

- That, oh right. - I think they have like a master cut of us messing up, which that interests me. - Oh, that isn't the whole show though? - I know, totally. I would love to see that, but- - I wanna see the behind the, I wanna see like a master cut of each of us getting off stage after our numbers. - And going like, "Oh fuck." - Yeah, yeah. - "Jesus Christ, Des Moines sucks shit." - Yeah. - Yeah. - Oh, by the way, shameless plug, "Queen of the Universe" is out now, please watch. - And I saw a clip, I saw a clip of Mel B ripping the hell out of some woman who,

I thought she sang pretty well. She did. I mean, the truth is they all sing well. They wouldn't be there if they were bad singers. Also, that woman was gorgeous. Oh, Giselle. Yeah. Giselle Barbie Royale is. Holy crap. Holy crap. I think my first comment to her was, I can't believe people have to compete against you.

I was like, yeah, they got us good with that lighting and shit. You look skinty. I was in the, uh, that dress, that gold. Isn't that beautiful? Love it. Love it. Love it. You look really, really good. All those women, those beautiful women. That's what I say. I'm not saying it's a high stakes scenario. It's super high stakes. I have to sit dog city. I sit next to Vanessa Williams, Michelle facade, babe, pig in the city. It could be that. And Mel B. I know.

And I have to try and I do my, I'm the only one there who does my own makeup. So I'm like, Oh God, I hope I can pull this together. The only thing you have on them is youth. And you better, you better play that card. Cling to it, honey. Cling. Cause they don't have the numbers. It's there. They really are. And their hair and makeup teams are,

Well, yeah, they have probably a team's teams. And I don't want to be about age. But when you think of the age of those women sitting with me to 70, 70, 70, the beauty is untouchable and they are not fucking 20 years old. No, they're 75 to 85 years old. That first the first episode, Vanessa's in this yellow animal print sequin with a black like feline shaped liner. And I'm like, I don't know her age. It's not relevant to me. But I'm like, how old is she?

will you check it out i mean people like vanessa and michelle and like in mel b beauty is just beauty the number changes but you're still gorgeous yeah yeah yeah i'm yeah they're i mean it's a beautiful panel the clip you saw was giselle barbie royale she sings easy on me by adele by adele and she sings it in london in front of british people which is probably pretty scary and melby was like you shouldn't have done that melby was like you shouldn't have saying it

I thought it was because I thought it was like she did a Vanessa Williams song. But is, did anybody, does anybody do that? I couldn't say either way. Spoiler, sorry. Vanessa Williams and Mel B. Oh, 60, Vanessa Williams. Vanessa's 60 and looks- Incredible.

I just, I mean, I don't want to say look, she looks young because that makes it seem like young is prettier. And young is better. Young is not better. She looks, I guess, time has just slightly, slightly noticed her. But she's a beautiful woman. A beautiful woman. Yeah. Blue eyes. Blue eyes? Blue green eyes. Yeah. Oh. Anyway. Anyway.

Well, well, bye. You better lay low.