Gorgeous Devours Cute with Trixie and Katya
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I'm at a crossroads because I want to ask you what you've been doing, but I know because I only spent time with you. I know. However, I'm going to tell you. So something very interesting has been going on, which is I am getting older. So I have been this. So let's take it back to 2018. Singapore. Okay. Singapore, Singapore.

Do you know that Singapore is just an island? I've never been. Oh, okay. Well, it's extremely hot. It's a tropical island around the equator. Do you live? No. In fact, I don't. I nearly die. 90 degrees, 100% humidity.

I couldn't leave the hotel to smoke. That's how serious, you know, it was. I decided twice, because I forget, I left the hotel to go to a shady corner to have a cigarette, abandoned the cigarette halfway through to go back into the hotel because I couldn't be outside just standing there.

It's so humid. It wouldn't stay lit. It's I mean, yeah, I light it and it's just wet. Yeah. And people are just sweating. People are. It is just so hot. No matter what time of year it is rotten. Anyways, I do a show there without warming up. I jump at the end. I jump into a split and then I do the boop, boop, ba-doop, ba-doop in a circle and then swiffer the taint back and forth. On the first jump, I tear everything.

I feel a very, very sharp pain, like a tear in my hip flexor, which would have been an indication to stop the split. Is this that move where you hit the ground and then you sort of bounce on it? Bouncing, bouncing, bouncing, but I bounce in a circle and then I go boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. So I injured myself in the first split.

And then I continued injury, injury, injury, injury, injury, scraping, scraping wheelchair at the airport. The next day I couldn't walk. Couldn't walk at all. When was this? 2018 at the last date of the tour. Don't you think the humidity would have helped your hip flexor? Like it was the end of the show. I was already probably drenched in sweat, nothing, but I just didn't warm up. I didn't warm up at all.

So anyways, so that was a nagging injury and that's that has continued. And now I did a bunch of stuff yesterday for something that's coming up. We're going to say it for the tour videos. Fight choreo that it was so fun to do, but that is so painful. I think that I'm going to have to get my hip replaced. Are you serious? Yes.

Kinda. Where's the pain? Stand up and show the pain. So the pain is here and here. That sounds like a hip flexor. Yeah, it sounds like the entire hip joint is completely fucked. And guess this. My dad had his first hip replacement, first of two, when he was 45. And you're... 43. You...

So he did it younger than you. Wow. I'm trailing him. I should have both done by now. Yeah. Let this be like a, an earnest, like Hemingway, but like earnest warning. Because I know so many drag Queens who do the splits and never stretch. Okay. Listen, seriously, Tandy, um, uh, Jane, Iman, Dupree, Devereaux, this is what you gotta do. You gotta do both sides.

That's both sides. Cause you had to warm up and cool down, get a warm up and cool down. Cause when you're doing this, but I mean, I've seen it done. I can't do it. I'm assuming the situation, the danger is not this. Like, no, it's hard. It's usually not the hamstring. The hamstring is probably a little bit, um, because we're used to kicking his, it's always the hip flexor of the back leg. The, so as the hip flexor, the, the quad. Okay. This is very graceful.

It's this, but like to the ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for demonstrating what a split is. But I think this. Yes. That's more of the danger. That's where I got injured. Because I'm feeling it there now. Yeah. Because you spend your whole day stepping forward. You don't step back like that very much. No, we keep. That was beautiful. Maybe you should incorporate that into your act. Well, I don't think you give yourself enough credit.

Cartwheel split, bouncing on the split. It hurts. That's hard for anyone. Yeah, especially at my advanced age with my conditions and my proclivities. It's, yeah. 40? 40 is not it. 40 is not it. Zero dark 40. Is it cracked up to be anything though? No. You're saying it like it's a reveal. It's just cracked.

Zero, dark, 40. But if 30 is the new 20, 40 is not the new 30 though. You're saying 40, it goes the other way. It bends. Time bends at that point. And you know, it's really horrible because I have to stretch before I go to bed. I have to stretch all the time. I'm always twisting. I'm always like doing stuff on the ground because there's just constant pain and aggravation and just wretched horror at every turn. If you get your hip replaced,

You won't be able to split still. Well, I'll be your split days over. Hopefully. No, I'm hoping like, I'm like in just like that. I'll be Carrie Bradshaw. Like they find out I have a congenital defect of my hip. I go for surgery, but then 10 minutes later it's healed and it's, we jump forward until I'm back in Louboutins. Have you gotten a real, um, scan of it or anything? Um, we've Xeroxed it, but I don't think I can't see anything.

No, I'm going to go... I've taken iPhone photos of the leg. And the leg looks jacked. Yeah. No, no. I am... Beef jerky. That's what it feels like. Well, you know, it feels like there's not a lot of...

It feels like there's no more gristle left to the bone and it's just grinding in the gear. You got a girl, you got the hypervolt stick that double prone here and fuck it up. Maria have been doing that. And I'm not convinced that that the friction is helping the situation. The massage, like, because imagine that you have, um, it's like, uh,

It's the joint. The bones of the joint are lubricated by fluid, synovial fluid. Right. And there's, so you drain out all the fluid. What good is jackhammering the bones into the bones going to help? You know what I mean? I don't know. I'm not a doctor, but anyways. That's spooky. But you know what though? I mean, I'm not going to be terminal here, but you had a good run. Oh, I've been ready mama. If you can't do splits anymore. My back's been packed for three years. I'm not saying you have to quit drag. Slow down. Oh no, I was saying die. Oh.

My bag's for Paris. Do you have health insurance? Funny you should ask that. I just got it. And I went to one medical. The doctor's here. You have one medical? Do you live? Mom.

You know, only in America do you get excited about the opportunity to pay thousands of dollars to have access to decent health care. I know. Let's call it what it is. Extortion? No. Let's call it a robbery. Because it's not even the most expensive of that type. No, no, no. Of course not. You pay a premium and it allows you to go to the doctor regularly.

But to go to that doctor, you have to pay the premium per month, which is a little crazy. I think it's, yeah. But for people like us who travel, let's say you're in pain and you're like, I fly in tomorrow. You go on your phone, you get to choose what location you want to go to and who you want to see. It's magical. I couldn't believe it. Last year, for the greater part of the year, I didn't have health insurance. I had no idea.

So I realized I was like, oh shit, I gotta go get a physical. I got the health insurance. HMO, I got a blue shield, or a P, I don't know, HMO, PPO, PNP, whatever. I got blue shield. Height and height. I got height, yeah. I don't know what it was, but then I finally got to do one medical. I did the thing on the app. I went to there, and let me tell you about this doctor. Dr. Donlon. He was terrific. Did he work you out? He worked me out. He was 32 years old.

Love it. Your age. Yeah. I said, do you like being a doctor? And he said, yeah, I think, I mean, it's, you know, it's funny about doctors and medical professionals in general. When someone says I'm a nurse, I'm a doctor, I'm a,

It's like they couldn't tell me a more impressive piece of information. I'm always amazed. And they're always so nonchalant about it. Because to them, they're like, yeah, I processed it as I studied it for a decade. So to them, it's like old news. But I'm like, you're a real doctor? How did you do that? What did he do? It's so cool. I mean, he's so good. I loved. Actually, it was the longest time since I've had like an intake, like a thorough intake. You know how like a therapy. Have you had therapy?

Um, like mental therapy. Yeah. No. Okay. Is that the terminology? A therapist, like a psychotherapist? Never? No. So like you go and you, you just get acquainted with them. It was kind of had that vibe and it was like, I found myself to be like feeling very vulnerable. Oh, I got so honest with him. It was fabulous. I have super high blood pressure. I'm on high blood pressure medication now. 69 cents.

That's a good deal. No shit. And I said 69. What are the symptoms of high blood pressure? There are often none.

So it's the silent killer. Hypertension is the silent killer. There's often no symptoms of it. It's just, it's usually diagnosed when it's during routine physicals and check, checkups and stuff. But aren't really skinny people. Don't they usually have a low, but then again, smoking gives high blood pressure. There's a whole, there's a whole, and you're not skinny. There's a whole, we saw that picture. Yeah. I mean, ever since Weight Watchers, I've made friends with a lot of people who've kind of brought me into the light. Yeah. Cause I've lied to myself for several years now. I,

I'm like not hot enough for gold to Hollywood, too skinny for curves. That's why I run marathons. I'm out there by myself. No one's judging me. So wait, wait. I'm old. I take, oh, it's 8 o'clock. I got to take my high blood pressure pill and my large glass of Ensure. And then I go put my curlers in and then set the wig down and go to bed. It's so – it's not depressing. It's –

It's not really humbling. It's just humiliating. 40 is a lot. Yeah. Honestly, that's a lot. Have you ever seen that video of that woman? She's getting her hair cut. No, she's getting her hair colored. And she's like, I pay you to do my hair.

and the woman's like oh well I that's my assistant Robin and you know she'll do your hair and yeah and they get really snippy and the girl's like well I pay you to do it and the hairdresser's like well that's my assistant so you should really trust me and then the girl in the chair goes to hit her goes to hit her hairstylist and there's a security camera going and the footage is her going did you just try to hit me Robin get the fuck out of my chair and pulls the thing off her and kicks her out and the lady's like I see

You said you'd do my hair. I can't leave with my color. His color's still on her hair. And she walks out and the woman says something I love so much. She goes, that's a lot, Robin. That was a lot, Robin. I'm like shaking. Am I Robin in this situation? No, but being 40 is Robin. That's a lot, Robin. I need to kick this age out of the chair into the street with its color still on. Yes. Nematode. Yeah, nematode.

That's a new one, folks at home. We have just... We've discovered some new celebrity information. We've privately bonded over some classified information that we will not disclose at the current time. We just have to do our best to follow along. But certain celebrities dragging other celebs and it's just all in good fun. A certain celebrity who called another celebrity said that she looks like a nematode. A nematode. A nematode. And then in another instance, she had made mention of someone looking like...

A turkey, a wild ass turkey that didn't get slaughtered. Just a lazy, big old fat turkey bitch. Something like that. So the creativity is what I appreciate. That's what I appreciate. It's not just like you stupid bitch. It's the colorful, the imagination is really like stretched to accommodate these wild. I don't even know what a nematode looks like. Bless you. Nematode is, yeah, it looks like an eel. It's crazy. Yeah.

I don't think she knows what an actual nematode is because she was talking about, that ain't no frog, bitch. That's a fucking toad at, you know, whatever. You don't taste that nematode in your mouth? Not to one-up you and your hip flexor problem, my left eye, right eye, eyelid has been twitching. Oh, shoot. Two to three times a day, it does like a...

Oh, really? And it looked up what causes it. And they said nothing and everything. Yes. Lymphoma. Hodgkin's. Hodgkin's, yeah. Bob Hoskin's lymphoma. And they also said caffeine, stress, and lack of sleep. And being a faggot. And being a faggot. Being a huge gay faggot. But it was really going off through the day on my run. And I was running down the street like this on Santa Monica Boulevard. Yeah.

Just twitching. It is eerie when you feel it because obviously it's an involuntary response and it's just, she's yapping at you. She's got something to say. She's like, what are you talking about? Yeah. Open the fuck up. Yeah.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

I got to tell you this too. Getting old is difficult because we just talked about this on the phone. I have been finding myself very tired at the end of the day because, which I guess is good. You're supposed to get tired at night. Lately, I've been trying to do the amount of shit I've always done and I keep getting tired. And I'm running out of gas before I'm done with things I want to do. We have to call unsolved mysteries because how...

I don't know. Listen, I consider myself a fairly educated person with a reasonable amount of street smarts, but I can't figure this out. She's got three or four jobs. She's got about 16 hours of actual physical activity. I don't know how she gets tired. Are you on drugs maybe? You know what I did yesterday? Yes, I do. Can I say this? We had to be on set in drag yesterday at 8.30 a.m. What time did you wake up? You overslept. Six.

I woke up at 6 of 545. 545. Because it takes me longer to get started now. You know what though? I still got seven hours. That's great. I went to bed by like 10, 11. What an indulgent, lazy piece of shit you are for sleeping full seven hours. Well, you know what the tea was? What? I had to DJ last night, so I knew I was going to be getting in and make up at 6 a.m. Yeah. And DJing at midnight. In drag? No, I wasn't in drag. I was unable. Oh.

Someone lied to her several times. Okay, that makes me feel like you're a less self-harm inclined because that seems... But I came back from our shoot. I came back here and did a whole bunch of YouTube videos. That is...

That is really impressive. It is a lot. It's too much. Yeah. That is pretty. But getting old because I used to like in, you know, in my early twenties, I'd have like three jobs and be in college, you know, or I'd be like in beauty school with four jobs and doing drag shows every night. And then also staying up all night, drinking all the liquors and stuff like that. When I was doing drag show, drag shows, drinking at every show, you know, and now I just can't, I just can't do that.

I get tired. Now it's like, if I have to go out that night, if I have a social obligation, I'm like, I have to sleep late that day. Yeah. Or I have to take some crazy nap. Oh, I won't make it. There's no way. I mean, I fell asleep at a movie that I was enthralled with. How about that? How about that? I just rolled old. I drool so much.

I drool so much. I was talking to David on FaceTime and I was talking to him and he was talking and I just drooled. I drool at least once a day. You weren't even talking. You were just slurring and drooling and half asleep. I'm like that girl with the rag. Oh yeah. I drool all the time. It's not okay. My eyes twitching. I'm drooling. Wow. This is, this is us. This is Graham. One medical. What?

I mean, I love one medical. I loved my doctor. I loved my doctor. But when I found out he wasn't necessarily my primary care physician, I was sad because I want him to be. Maybe he won't be. I don't know. My boyfriend and I have the same doctor, which makes it really great. That's gross. That's gross. No, it's nice. Oh, it is? Yeah. Why? I don't know why. It just is. Because I like it.

Oh my God. Let me tell you about something. What's the deal? Getting older is not it. I want to, I'm a big advocate for, um, for euthanasia, for assisted suicide. And Switzerland is a, is on the cutting edge of this. It's legal there. And, um, they had to design this Sarco death or this person had designed the Sarco death pod that is supposedly, um, it's a little pod with a clear, like a kind of looks like a, a luge or like, um, a,

A bobsled thing or just like an escape pod from a spaceship, right? So you can get in the pod. You have a beautiful view of wherever you take it, wherever you want to go. I can put it right here on the balcony. What are you talking about? It's like a clear bubble. So clear bubble and it is activated remotely. And then when you get in the pod and you decide that's a wrap, you press a button and through nitrogen gas or whatever, it supposedly delivers a painless, very quick death. Yeah.

Under 90 seconds or so. Allegedly, there's a bit of euphoria and then death.

I watched a video on YouTube. I watch a lot of YouTube. I know. And I watch a lot of things I shouldn't watch. I know. And after I'm done with about 75 Totsall Stone videos, I move on. To the Sinaloa cartel dismembering people in the jungle. Yeah. Once I've done Rotten to the completion, I watched one the other day of, I think it was Sweden. And it was like a guy and his wife and he signs this paper and the doctor's there or whatever. And he's on his couch and the woman's there and he drinks this little Dixie cup and they just hang out and talk until he passes away.

Which is such a lovely alternative to whatever reason. I mean, what if he was very, very ill? And then the option is for him to violently kill himself. Or, or get this, this is fun. You could languish for months. That's what I mean. At a palliative care facility being taken care of by, I don't know,

I don't know. People who don't want to be there, who maybe might mistreat you. And then you get to saddle your loved ones with hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills. Be your own Dr. Sleep. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You know? Yeah, I just... I don't think... I mean, you get to lose weight if you go to the... When you die? Yeah. Like... I mean... I mean... Skinny. If your option is to either...

If the government has an option for you to drink this Dixie cup or sit in the bubble and pass away painlessly, peacefully at your own, at your own leisure. Yeah. Yeah. You, you put the kids in the car, you spin the mobile above the crib for the baby. You set Alexa to like an auto timer and you go out on the patio and you do the bubble boy. Yeah. If you don't have the nitrogen, uh, you do, um, Britney Spears, curious. You just keep pumping it in there until it's a noxious cloud.

I'm just saying, I just think these options need to be available because the same way some countries are like, we don't want abortion unless it's rape.

Right. It should be like, you can say, I don't think people should willy nilly kill themselves, but if there's a situation where you're terminally ill, there should be options for people to go with like grace and dignity and in a way that doesn't traumatize their families or a burden them with debt. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, Oh, we would love to keep you alive. Um, literally attached to an iron lung for five months where you're, um, barely conscious or have any agency. What?

You know what I mean? It's just so, but anyways, with the, uh, in Switzerland, I think you have to be 50.

There's an age limit. So I don't think like as a precocious teen, you can just like get in the death pod after a bad day at school and then just click. Otherwise Gen Z would be fucking going off. They'd be TikToking it. Decimated. You press this button and then the nitrogen comes in and then you go boop. Oh, TikToking it. Yeah. Death podding. Death podding. Death pod would be the new Tide pods. A hundred percent. Gen Z would be like, I got my brow glue, the thing that glues the brows to the skin. I got my death pod. Yeah.

I'm great. I'm great. But you know what though? The trash can open. Haunted. I love haunted shit. Oh, I'm reading Christine right now. Haunted cars. It's well, I think it's, I can't really tell if it's haunted or,

The car just is some sort of autonomy. It's sentient in some way. It's vengeful. It's jealous. It's a sentient car. She's got an agenda. I've never seen the movie and I've never read it. I haven't either. I know nothing about it. So reading it through was thrilling. Because most of the Stephen King books I've read, I've seen the movie. So then I kind of know what's coming. This time I'm like, what's going to happen? What is going to happen? I don't know. But I think the metaphor here is like,

I mean, I think it's about drugs. No, no. It's about don't trust your mechanic. Like, listen, you think you're going to bring those brakes in for like, they're going to say your whole transmission needs to be replaced. And then they're going to be like, oh, but we got to go through the back. We got to take out the rear windshield. They're going to tell you they're putting new tires on it. It's just retreads. Yeah. And it's going to take a while. They get the parts from Germany. It's like, but this is a Chrysler. What are you talking about? I don't know, sis.

Is it about drugs? It's a metaphor? Well, Stephen King being a drug addict, in every book I'm looking for like- He's a drug addict? Yeah, he was a hardcore drug addict. Which kind of drugs? Cocaine, drinking. That's how he would finish a lot of his books. We were filming something the other day where I had to sip decaffeinated coffee in a scene. Oh, did you try real decaffeinated coffee? Yes, and I've never even really had real coffee. Is this instant coffee? It was instant decaffeinated coffee mixed into cold water.

I've never had something so horrible. Can I ask? Urine? You asked me recently, have you ever drank your own piss? Well, we guess we can talk about it on the pod because you didn't add for free spirits. But-

It's been said before, like, hey, who's drinking if there's no alcohol? Right. And you could say, oh, if you're the designated driver. Yes. Or if you are pregnant. Or if you're sober. Or sober, yeah. And you just want a cocktail that doesn't have alcohol. But who's drinking decaffeinated coffee? I'm going to tell you something right now about that. It's just Lauren Bacall. And the real, of course, the real elephant in the room is it is caffeinated. It is? The money. The money.

makes it uncaffeinated. The money that they gave her to do the ad. It's a lie. So wait a minute. Nobody's drinking decaffeinated coffee. That's not true. So wait a minute. That's not true. Plus, do they take coffee beans and somehow remove the caffeine? Decaffeinated coffee does have caffeine in it. It does? Yes, it does. A little bit. Yes, it does. It does. It does. Actually, maybe, I think probably the amount that a green tea has. Oh. Oh.

I drink black tea, which is surprisingly strong. I think people think 25% of caffeine of a cup of coffee. I know. I think if I had a cup of coffee, I would lose it. Cause like one, I can have maybe two of these during the day. Black clove, black tea.

I stopped drinking the hot black tea because it dyes my bottom teeth, my real teeth, dark colors. And the veneers don't take color. So then I'm like a Clorox commercial. Mama's got whites. They just got brown chiclets down there. I'm going to get one of those glowing blue things that the TikTok people have, the glowing blue mouth things, the teeth whiteners.

Are you going to get bottom veneers ever? I'm not pressuring you to do so, like I did with a nose job and I was eviscerated for online. Oh, is that what people thought you were doing? No, I actively campaigned for you to get a nose job. I said, you should get a nose job. Well, when I do YouTube, my first camera is straight in front of me and my second one's to the right and my nose quirks this way. So when the right camera is edited to that, the nose is like, what's up? I just like, because of the geometry, because you do your face in such a way that there are just shapes and lines, I was like,

If you don't... I was like, holy shit, your nose is crooked. I had to start drawing it on. Right. And I was just like, holy fucking hell. But there's no breathing problem, right? No. No. Do you snore? I don't have any problems. I noticed that. Why does the skin at the back of your neck bleed, though, all the time? Well, it's 666. Yeah. It's 6969. No, David snores like...

like no, you know, I, I sleep like what I think people in sleep commercials sleep like, like a NyQuil commercial. I like get in bed. Oh, you just, I'm like, set the alarm. I go to you, you wake up smiling. I go to bed smiling. I literally head hits the pillow and then bam, that I'm not kidding. Less than 60 seconds. REM cycle. I go straight to REM cycle before. Yeah. My eyes are open and I'm in the REM cycle. So I'm,

It's a little weird for people when they sleep over. David's got to do this. Yeah, every night he has to pretend I died. Like, we hardly knew you. But David snores like Texas Chainsaw Leatherface. The fruits of the devil. And he didn't used to. And I've gotten to the point where sometimes I have to, like an old married woman, be like,

I gotta hit him. I gotta push him. I gotta do something. And that poor thing, you know, David's bigger than me. And David's poor little thing is on the corner of the bed. Cause you know how I'm sleeping baby. Yeah. Sprung out like snow angels in the bed. In real life. I'm not that, I'm not that flexible. Oh, contortion in the bedroom. In the context of sleeping, I'm doing like, what do you call it? Like the ice skating, like,

Oh, yeah. Dancer's pose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Full expression. I got to move. When I'm sleeping, I got to be on the side and I got to have legs going front and back. Are you serious? I'm waiting for the rapture when I'm sleeping. I don't know what I'm doing. A cow waiting to be beamed up. A cow? Because the aliens steal cows. But cows... Oh, yeah. I guess the cows don't lay like that. Wait. Cows don't lay down at all, do they? No. They can't lay down. They got the little legs. No.

We're going to take a break. Oh my God. Okay. I have to say this. Speaking of sleep, snoring, the other night, did I ever share this with you? No. And if you did, I wouldn't remember. I know. I want to play. I got an audio file. I got an, I didn't play you the audio file. No. Okay.

Mama, something went down. Wait a minute. I didn't play this on my phone. The screaming from my other. What? Mama, something went down. Something had transpired. So there's been this ongoing drama where I don't have. I think we talked about that. I can't. I can't say, oh, neighbors, can you please keep it down? Because Mama, the Macarena was on at 2 a.m. Oh, you did tell me that. But in the screaming, though, you told me on. I play the screaming. You didn't play the screaming. I told you about the Macarena. You just told me about it.

Oh, I didn't play you the recorded. No, you told me that your neighbor was playing the Macarena over and over again. The next night though, all hell broke loose. Really? Yeah. And here's, I'll, I'll show you. It's it. And I felt, I felt like, why am I doing this? I should be calling the police. But I was like, who calls the police? It's not a good idea to call the police. Um,

Because it was I'm afraid to call the police in general. I wouldn't I don't want to call the police Why I'm not gonna call the police. They're not gonna help but maybe they maybe they would hear because listen, so I get out of bed closer I get out of bed and I go to the bathroom window I can hear footsteps. You're lying. No in it. Hold on. This was the weakest And then I had gone to that's gaggy. So I've gone to the window first. It was a cat and

This is 1 a.m. And I was like, they were playing music loud. And I was like, I didn't have to get up early the next day. But I was like, you know what? I don't want any drama. I go to bed. I put the fan on super loud. And then I put a little YouTube meditation thing on like I usually do. And it's loud in my room. And then I hear this screeching. And it's like a cat or something. They get this crazy cat or whatever. Then it becomes human.

And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? It's a cat, but it's human. No, no, no, no, no. It's Jocelyn Wilderson outside your window screaming. Can you play it again? I need to hear it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. So this was, I went to go, I was like, it occurred to me, I was like, should I call the, what's happening? Should I call somebody? Should I go down there and look? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I didn't know what to do. And then I was like, I gotta, I just have to make sure that I'm not crazy. I want to, you know,

By the way, pause it. What kind of true crime fucking bullshit? By the way, the stairs seem like they're really straining under your weight. Do you hear that part of it? It's me. Play the beginning again. Let's listen to those stairs.

That's the stair being like, ow. It's the wood floor. I hope it's a screen door. A creaky door. By the way, I can't believe that screen. How close did it sound? It sounded like it was in my bathroom.

That is horrifying. It was horrifying. Like the walls, unfortunately, the walls, unfortunately, I realized are paper fucking thin. Thus the Macarena, like it was in, I started doing it. Well, there's something about the Macarena. It's very infectious. You're like, would you turn it off? Come, I have to go. Were you scared? I was annoyed first. No, I'm talking about the screen. Yes. I was like, I was like, is somebody dying? But then it felt like,

grief, wailing. That does not, didn't that seem to you like a whale? W-A-I-L-I-N-G. I just am scared that it came from nowhere.

It wasn't like, oh, you know, I feel like, I feel like whaling would start slow and get worse. This was the end of it. It was more intense before. It was screaming. Oh, so that didn't cut through the night. You heard that before and then recorded it. Yeah. That's fucking crazy. I heard it and I went up to get to record it. It was gone. I went back to bed. Then it started again and I, and I went up and I did it and I was like, cause I have to get a record of this somehow. Cause it was so infrequent. What if it's a ghost?

That ain't no fucking ghost, bitch. Ghosts are quiet. What if you and I did ghost hunting? It's so boring. There was a network that pitched a show to me that was drag queens ghost hunting. And I said, no drag queens are going to go where you put those cameras here in the dark.

In the dark. In green light. In green light. We're not doing that. Night vision. That's the ghost. That's the horror movie. That's the horror movie. No. Also. They want a free horror movie. That's what they want. Yes. And in ghost shows, they'll be like, you know, and all the drag queens I know, it's supposed to be fight or flight. All these bitches are fight. Casper's going to get punched out. A cameraman's just going to die. It's going to happen. No kidding. Imagine like me. I don't know. Not me. I guess. There ain't no fucking ghosts. I mean. Could you imagine like Monet? Yeah.

Let's see. Who else would be the best in like a... Because I think Monet would believe it. She would get scared. She would go with it. She would get really carried away. And then, I don't know. I want like Gia. Gia or Blair. Blair would be screaming. Yeah. The Blair Witch Project. Yeah.

You're welcome. Found footage. I love found footage movies. Girl, that movie Creep gets me together. I don't like it anymore. It gets me nauseous. The novelty has worn off for me. All that shaky cam is going to, yeah. You've seen Creep? I've seen Creep and I've seen his dirty ding dong in that movie. Creep 2? Which one we see the ding-a-ling in? I've seen them both, I think.

I see his ding-a-ling. Did you see his ding-a-ling? That scene where the camera guy's walking downstairs and he's against the door in the wolf mask still. Oh, yeah. The video he shows the girl with the guy with the axe. Yes. When he shows it to her. That's the second one. And she thinks it's fake. And he's like, does it scare you? And she's like, not really. Oh, because he hires her off Craigslist to come video tape. And she has a YouTube series where she learns about people. Do you see this movie, Mark? Gag. The real gag of it.

The real gag of the season is the opening of that second one where he's filming with his friend and he's like, I really had a good time getting to know you. Oh, and he kills him? On camera, stabs him. I mean, that movie was so, those movies are so scary and I love movies like that where, you know, it costs so much to make a movie and movies like that cheat the system. They make an engaging film with so little and you're like, it's so scary.

It's not about full body prosthetics. It's not about CGI. It's not about like, it's about taking a can light and shoving it between your ass. It's about innovation and storytelling. The performance Mark, Mark, Mark Duplass. He directed you in room 104. No, he produced it. He produced it. The performance he gives is so absurdly good. That's a creep. He carries that movie. Yeah. With his dirty ding dong. Yeah. Yeah.

It's creepy. It's so creepy. And the fact that in the first one, the whole time you think he has cancer and he's like, Oh, that one I haven't seen. Oh, the first one starts because this guy is paid to make a, he's like, Hey, I have terminal cancer and my wife is pregnant. I want to make a video talking to him so that he knows who I am. Okay. So I want you to follow me for a day and just let me talk to the camera. And then the guy slowly figures out that he doesn't have cancer.

And he talks to his sister and he's like, are you in the house with him? You need to leave immediately. It's so chilling. It's similar. It's similar to that fierce movie, The Visit.

Or The Invitation. No, Invitation's fabulous, but The Visit is found footage where it's grandkids visiting their grandparents they'd never met. Oh, I haven't seen that one yet. I have to ruin it for you. Please, tell me, tell me, tell me. There's a part where they're like, after the whole movie, they're like, you know, 75% through the film and the daughter's like, we gotta call mom. We gotta FaceTime mom or Zoom, you know.

grandma's been really weird grandpa's been really weird and the mom's like show me show me where they are and they hold the phone out the window and they show grandma grandpa out in the yard waving and the mom goes those are not your grandparents and they've been living with the grandparents for months it's fucking crazy you have to watch it oh i scared myself what is what is i saw the one where um i scared myself retelling the plot of a movie

If that scream would have happened and I would have heard that, I would have screamed louder and longer. She would have said, ah! And I would have said, ah! Like, I would have one-upped her out of sheer terror. Maybe the next time I hear a scream, I'm going to blast the Macarena. I'm going to hit him. No, you know what you need to give? Why, why? Remember Silence of the Lambs when she screams and he's like, ah! Ah!

You need to give that. I need to jame gum that bitch. You need to knock on her door and then... Goodbye, horses. Yes. I'm just worried that there was a true crime incident that had taken place and now I have been a witness to it. I'm concerned that there was a true crime incident that you could have been involved in where we were the hero. And I'm also concerned that there's paranormal activity and you're not harvesting it for personal gain on social media. Okay.

Because you could have a ghost hunting TikTok, honey. Honey. Three reasons there's a ghost in your house. Spooky noise. The Macarena. Maybe it's the ghost of... I forget what band it is that sings Macarena, but maybe it's the ghost of them. Psy? It's the ghost of their careers. Oh, and that's the tea, hunty. You know what? We need to... I know we're wrapping up, but...

Yeah, we are. We need to destigmatize a one-hit wonder. Those bitches have it figured out. Oh, yeah. Oh, you couldn't... Longevity? That means having to stay after hours. Yeah, longevity. That means having to work in your 40s. That means having to come up with your own skincare line to hide the fact that you get surgical procedures done every six months to look youthful. You know what I mean? One-hit wonder is...

It's wonderful. And you don't have to work ever again. Yeah. Toyotathon. They licensed that song. You're sitting pretty in the Bahamas. Y2K. Yes to Kia. Y2K. Yes to Kia. Girl, when I did Whitney Cummings pod, I met Natasha Bedingfield. Feel the rain on your skin. Big time. If you wrote Unwritten, and that's your song, you own the publishing. You never have to write again. Put your feet up, Mary. Gain a lot of weight. Exactly.

And get premium cable and do nothing. Who cares? Fake your death. Start again. I'm worried about following up with my sophomore album. Fuck that sophomore album. You're dropping out of school, baby. It's hammer time. At the most, you can coach Little League for a few months a year. That's it. You're going to Vegas. You're going to let it all ride.

Flipping houses. Couldn't agree more. Killing people. You can do your Vegas residency, but since you're a one-hit wonder, it's a very short show. 12 minutes with a six-minute intro. A six-minute highlight reel. And a one-minute Q&A. Would you ever do Vegas someday if we ever got to do it? Like a residency? No, I don't believe I would. Unless, unless it was... The Quintinta? No, unless it was like at the Bellagio in the water with the fountains.

Those fountains made me cry. I would want to do it in some kind of scenario where the production is so elaborate and so incredible. That no one makes money? No, no. That the likelihood of me dying in a giant toilet like Katy Perry. Did you see her in the toilet? I 100%. You saw her in the toilet paper.

I want a giant prosthetic. I want to come between two legs on a heavy flow day, a red blood, red slip inside, come out of a period and then get like snatched up in a tampon and then like shot up into the ceiling and then blown out of a cannon into the audience in a diaper every night, every night. And it, you know, that would be fun, but just like, no, but think about it. The audience comes to us. You get to tour without ever going anywhere. Yeah.

No, I get the appeal for sure. And Vegas is its own kind of world. But I don't know. I just don't. I think you would be great in a Vegas residency. I will do a cute six minutes. You know how you have a bit with the audience? I believe you'll do six minutes. I don't believe it'll be cute. Yeah.

I will provide the necessary boner break that will propel the second half of your act. There's a fierce clip of Tiffany New York Pollard on Flavor of Love where she goes, I think she goes like, Goldie's cute. She's a cute girl. I think I just spit food out. Goldie's cute. She's a cute girl, but you know, I'm gorgeous. Gorgeous devours cute. And that's how I feel about you. Gorgeous drools all over cute and it spits food at it. I would, how about this? Be like,

You would, we would do like another fake riff or whatever fight, you know. Yes. Splinter off, hugely successful, do your Vegas residency. Dueling shows. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I come to see your show

I'm in, I arrived late, um, right after intermission. And then you do a bit with the crowd and it's me. I take off my beagle puss glasses and my trench coat and it's me in drag. And then I do a three minute sort of, um, maybe physical comedy thing with you and you shoot me or somebody shoots. I don't know. I would love for you to come to the show with your husband and everyone. And he's like, she's magnificent. And then you come to the dressing room and I'm like, okay.

Mad. And then I steal your husband. And I'm taking, I have my, what would I be wringing? It wouldn't be like, was it a handkerchief? It would be, yeah. Like a Marlboro's. Just twisting and a little tobacco running out the bottom of the crushed cardboard. Tobacco and blood. It's a ShamWow. It's your sweat rag. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My dishcloth or just a bunch of a barbed wire. Remember the ShamWow?

I've never, I'm not. It was a rag they sold on television. ShamWow. It's a ShamWow, which is like a rag. I'm actually not clear about what it is. But it's wow because it holds a lot of moisture. I'm not exactly clear on what a ShamWow is. There's a gentleman, he had like a Britney microphone on TV, which makes no sense. There's a commercial where he's like, look, it holds all this fluid. It was like a tampon commercial where they pour the fluid on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it true though? I never got one. Is it?

If you have a ShamWow, please comment. Let us know how it actually went. Yeah, let us know. Because let me, I'll tell you what. When I took off my drag the other day, at the end of the day, having done running, I probably ran a mile that day in drag. Not a mile. I really, half a mile. I really did. Just between setting up, jumping, fighting, I got, I was in a van. At the end of the day, I took off the costume and I was like,

I wonder if this should just be burned immediately. But you can't burn something that wet. No. If I had burned it and tried to throw it in the fire, I would have caught on fire like in Hereditary. Do you know what I mean? And I would have been... What's her name? Not Tori Spelling. Toni Collette. And that scene where she's like... But I would have been...

Actually, that's what I want to do in your show. I want to piano wire my head off every night. And I go to sleep smiling. And that's our double act. Yes!

That would be fierce. That would be fierce if the last thing people saw was my headless body just floating up into a tree house. That part made me laugh. It's funny. It's whimsical. That body just, she went whoop and she knew exactly where the flight, the air traffic control was like, okay, yep, in headless body we're gonna go up and into the tree house. That made me laugh. It's hysterical. You know what scene is lit? What? That scene at the dinner table when Toni Collette and that teen boy get in a fight. When she's, yeah, when she lets it all out.

I know we've talked about it like 40 times. They need to give serious awards away for horror films. Yeah. Because it's a horror film. I mean, I finished Misery and I was like, you know what? After reading this,

Miss Kathy Bates Well she did win an Oscar Turned the I know But that's like the only time That shit happens Yeah I know I mean I think Rebecca Hall Should have been nominated For the The Night House She like It's a She's the lead in this She's in every fucking scene It's so good There's so much range happening It's a lot to sell In a horror movie Especially if it's supernatural The stakes have to be Extremely high Yeah

I mean, in normal movies, it's like, well, what if he doesn't give me the ring and we don't get married? Yeah. You're fighting for your life in a horror movie. Ned Campbell should have an EGOT. Yeah. Where's the Tony from, though? Scream the musical. Just screaming. She was at your house. She was at your house. I mean, so what do I do? Well, my neighbors are probably confused because I think they know I do drag. And if I scream, they're like, is she laughing?

Oh yeah, because you've got mixed signals going on there. Is she laughing? Sometimes when I'm in my room doing YouTube by myself, I'm screaming in there and I'm always like, what are the neighbor's things going on? I'm putting on blush like, ah! I'm like, they probably, I'm that kid in Babadook in the back seat. I didn't realize, it's funny when you see where a meme comes from. Oh yeah. That's fun. When she's like, what is wrong with you? Ah!

I love that. That movie fucking ruled. Turned it. Turned the party that Babadook. Swedish? Is it Swedish? No. Is it Swedish? British? I think it's British. Those people don't speak English. It is? It's Australian? It's Australian. Australian film. Australian actors are so damn good. So damn good. I'll tell you what. Film-wise, Macbeth, fucking stunning. The Tragedy of Macbeth, Denzel Washington and Frances McDormand by Joel Cohen.

Stunting. I prefer McFlurry. And that's the end of the pod. Okay. Okay, bye.