How to Properly Wash Your Genitals with Trixie and Katya
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- Do you like how we went from like professional equipment, professional lighting, and now here we are? - I don't care. - Crouched. - Crouched. - Well, you're in the good good. You actually look great. - Maybe someone will fuck me. - I didn't mean to say you actually look great. - No, it's fine. Maybe someone will fuck me. - I think they will. - Maybe someone will fuck me. - Yeah. - So I was in the, let me interrupt. I was in the gym just now. - Oh. - And I was on Grindr. I'm not supposed to be on Grindr. - Oh, the program? - COVID. - Oh, COVID.

Well, isn't Grindr also like a drug market in the free world? Not really. I mean, it is and it isn't. But guess what? I mean, I could have asked the housekeeping guy in the hall for drugs because he looked like he was holding. You're right. Hello. Holding out. We're not going to need anything. Let's have that conversation. Darling. Darling Deepa. He also smelled like whodunit, which is, but it's fine. Did you smell B.O.? I smelled B.O. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's him. I don't want to give away what motel we're at. No, no, no, no, no. But it's him.

- It's him. - I smell BO. - It's him, that's why I was like, - I'm nervous that the person cleaning the room is a BO. - Yeah, that's what I'm saying. - That's what I'm concerned about. - That's what I'm saying, yeah, that's what I'm saying. - I wanna glade for you. - Maybe the call's coming from inside the house. - The good news is I fluffed and folded your towels. - The bad news is your room smells like chicken masala, bitch. - It smells like human feces. But he's a very, I mean,

I'd pop him in the shower and then I'd give him a little scrubbing bubble. Oh, you would? Yes. Yeah. He's giving transient. Transient. He's giving transient tea. Giving hot tea. Giving hot. Oh, he's giving capital T. What? What?

I have a lot to talk about. One, I love your Iron Horse. I love it too because it reminds me of one of the best gigs I've ever done in my whole life. Do you remember? Your bar. That's right. Did you really enjoy yourself? Oh, I loved it. Christmas on IBC. You'll love it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it.

Well, we're playing the Pabst Theater in seven days, which is on the same basically block. Okay. So I'm going to go to the bar after. You better believe I'm going to that bar. I asked them. I don't care if it's open or closed. Well, I asked them to block off a little area. Oh, don't even need to? For COVID safety. Oh, for COVID safety. And it has access to the smoking door. Oh, yeah. I'll look it up for you. I said, she'll come if it's air. I said to George, I said air conditioned. I said a little private area for COVID safety. And she needs to be able to smoke and leave quietly without saying goodbye. And so.

And someone needs to F-U-C-K-M-E. Fuck me. Before I K-M-S. F-U-C-K-M-E before I K-M-S. Seriously.

- Can I say something? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm not done talking about your bar. - All right. - I just called them today and said, can we come for COVID safety? We have to probably be hermits, but can we come? And they were like, we'll figure out some kind of seating for you. - No, no, no, no. I'm gonna double masked and double bagged. This little peanut pecker is getting shrink wrapped. No.

I have you on schedule. Your bar backing. I would love to bar... Well, I would love to bareback. Bareback at the bar? Bareback at the bar. When's the last time you wore a condom? Um... I... I wore a condom in, um... The... Like... Five years ago? Three years ago? Maybe two years ago? A year ago? No, that my, um... My... Oh...

What about doc? I mean, save sex. I want to love everyone. What about doctors who say that you should be doing oral sex with a condom on? I say, what is this? What is this? 1992 brown bag lunch. This is 1992. Is this hookers at the point? Yeah, that's crazy. Well, I did that. I did that. I did that because it was a dirty dick. It was a dirty dick. He wanted, he insisted. I don't know. I've told you this before. He insisted that I put the condom on him. And I was like, you think I'm, you think I'm,

You think I'm, what do you think I am? Come to find out it was him. It was whodunit. He was trying to protect you. Yes, he was trying to protect me. What do you mean he felt like he doesn't wash it? Uncut, unwashed.

It was fucking disgusting. You know, it's guys like that that they feed into the stereotype that uncut dicks are dirty. They're not. They're not. No, no, no. But people get dirty. Yeah, but also cut dicks are sometimes dirty. Of course, people are dirty. People get nasty. But you have to wash your dick.

You have to wash your dick. You really should. No matter what the skin is, you need to wash it. You should wash your dick. But also, if you don't, you can go in the shower with an uncut dick and not wash it and it doesn't get washed because you've got to

Yeah, I guess that's true. It's true. You have to retract the statement. You have to dial it back. We're in Boise. Boise. Kind of nice. I mean, girl, no tea to Boise. We were just in Bend, Oregon. You love Bend. You couldn't get enough of Bend. I was listening to music.

I was on a run and I was imagining my life playing out very differently living in Bend. I said, no drag. No, no, no, no. No. I said, I work at a clock shop. And all day it's... I work at the REI smokestack. The smokestack. I went in there. The stacks, yeah. Oh, you did? Was it good? By Farnway. The whitest place I've ever been in my life. I don't know. Nary a Blackman. Nary a Blackman. I believe it was like Tracy Chapman, Fast Car playing. I was like, this is...

Yeah, yeah. It's Whistler's mother. I've never been. When I say something's white, I put it on. Yeah, that's how you know it's white. Yeah, it's ivory soap. Yeah. Bend in general was so beautiful. There's so many professional runners who live there. Oh, yeah, that beautiful track. Jesus Christ. Beautiful track. It was like running on a, it was like cold. It was like 46 and sunny. Yeah, lovely. Crisp.

Crispy weather. And then we went to Seattle, which besides the weather, is a lovely city. Lovely city. Unforgivable. Let me tell you about that weather. Girl. That weather makes me want to KMS, KMS, KMS. It is fucking ruthless and wretched and rotten. Ruthless, wretched, and rotten. Ruthless, wretched, and rotten. It's not the vibe. Who wants to be in that weather?

I don't know. People. I mean, it's one of the biggest cities in the United States. Yeah. People. With the shittiest weather of all time. Did you like Portland? I love Portland. But again, shit-ass weather. Very green. We didn't really get to experience the green. Do you notice that about Portland? It's extremely green. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Deep, rich color. Deep, rich color. And I'll say this about Seattle and Portland. I know that they're supposed to have like a rivalry. A rivalry. A sibling rivalry. Are they really? They're supposed to be like one is better than the other. Like they don't get along.

Like Boston, New York? Maybe. Is that a thing? Well, Boston loves to think it's on par with New York. It is nothing of the sort. People in Boston think that Boston is New York? People in Boston. People in Boston, sweetie, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Girl. You lied to yourself. I've been to Boston maybe 10 times. It's fine. It's fine. It's like Pittsburgh. It's like Philly. All of those cities would be the same. Yeah. Yeah. Boston and Philly, I feel like, are very comparable. Well, all those cities, when you go to the oldest part of the city, they do look the same.

Yeah, over where Juju's house was. You're like, wow, this looks like a storybook. Yeah. Townhouses, tall, skinny townhouses. Yeah. They all look the same. I mean, Philly looks like that. They all look the same. Yeah. I pulled trade once in Philly and he lived in one of those little tall, skinny townhouses. Yeah. Hey. Hey, how y'all doing? I've reached a point in my life where I've slept with so many people I don't remember them all. I don't remember when that happened, but I...

I would be like 20, 25. I mean, like, I could tell you everyone I've had sex with. I think, I don't know if that I could like, I could make a list and do a description, but I definitely could tell you if the person was in a lineup, I could pick them all out. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. No. Like if someone, if they say, say you had sex with a hundred people and then they put a lineup of 300 people in front of you, could you be, would you be able to pick out the hundred people?

In a room, in a room, in a room. There's gonna be a hundred pieces of trade per room. So in this scenario, I have 300 men, what, like a firing squad? No, no, no. Let's say you had sex with 20 people and they put you in a room with 50 people. Could you pick out the 20 people? Who would be the... Yeah, I probably could. But you know what happened to me semi-recently? I talked to somebody on Grindr and I was like, hey, and they were like, how have you been? And I was like...

"Oh, oh, good." And they were like, and then finally they slept together. - Very? - They did. - I didn't know! - But that's so good, 'cause then you're gonna do it again. - Oh. - It's the guarantee. - New information.

I mean, listen, you and I don't retain information. No, we don't. You don't remember? I don't. I don't remember the first time. I don't remember the first time. How am I going to remember shit I don't hear? That's true. I'm paying attention. I just have no memory. He was hot though. And I was like, did you do it again? Did you do it again? I did. Good for me. I was like, I felt that for me. I did that. Okay. So if you ever see me on Grindr, just tell me we fucked. And I'll be like, okay. Great. Great. Great. Good for me. I don't think that, um, I don't think that,

I guess there's no way to know because nobody will ever tell you if you're bad in bed. They'll tell their friends and stuff. Do you know what I mean? Like, um... I think I'm very forgiving. I used to be like, oh, I kissed someone and their eyes were open. Jail. And now I'm like, you know what? Everybody's different. Everybody's trying their best out there. Absolutely. Everybody in bed is actively trying to do a good job. Yeah, absolutely. And to feel good. And feel good and have fun. Yeah!

I don't like the whole, I don't like the whole, oh, they were bad in bed. Like it's some kind of contest or some kind of like points, whatever. But it also means that you're saying my point of view, what good sex is, is the most real. Right. What if you love choking and no one choked you? You're like, he was terrible. Right. Exactly. Or like, oh, he didn't spit in my eyeball. Right. Yeah.

I mean, I get it. Like, I would say like, okay, if you agree upon like, hey, I really want to just like pound you into the ground like a jackhammer. Like, yes, that's what I love. And then you come over and then you can't get hard. That's a problem. That would be like bad in bed or whatever. Although you got to be like, you got to be like me. You got to sometimes mention that.

mention to the children that sometimes people can't, well not children, they're not children. They're adults. Yeah. Well, that's why I always have a little blue chew on hand. I give them a fair warning. I go, just so you know, this happens sometimes in the start of a game. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I say, I skip the warning. I say, how about a pill?

I would say, if I don't see, if I don't see, if I don't see, if you're not whole head and upper chest area is in bright red. Wait, do you have veins in your face right now? Oh my God. It makes, you'll know when I've taken a pill because it is like eyes bloodshot. Like, like red, red, red. Cause I take the off market ones. Oh my God.

I mean, once I took a, well, not once, many times. I once took a pill. I've taken a 200 milligram, which is far and away. That is, that is exceeded. That's how you get an elephant boner? Well, that is above and beyond the recommended daily dose. It was, it was like, you could have just snapped it right off the body. Yeah. But also it's like, I mean, it is like,

You know, you know, sister, you know, Chelsea and Shelby right now, they are like, they are roided up and they're just like, yeah, farfalle or papardelle. Yeah. But there, yeah, it's like, but I will always, always, I always keep them, always. I do the same thing. I have a huge vial of GHB and I'll just get them more comfortable. Drop, drop, drop. No, because if you're, it really is, it really helps the, um,

I also have a prescription from India. Just in case anybody, you know. Get the big girl some shots. Get the big girl some shots. I had, you know what the bus driver gave me before the gym? I'm feeling a little tired today. So the bus driver gave me a thermogenesis pill.

- Is that Willow Pill's sister? Thermogenesis pill? What is it? - It's some kind of pre-workout. And I was like, "You got anything tweaky up there?" - Heather, your version of, "I'm feeling a little tired." I'm not awake for 24 hours.

I'm feeling tired. - I just feel, I woke up. - You were tired yesterday and you were really good in the show. - Yeah. - I thought you had a really good night last night. - It was good, it was good, it was good, it was good. - I feel like you're my mother with schizophrenia. I'm like, she had a good day yesterday. - Well, I was talking to Eden backstage, she asked me how she was doing and I was like, you're doing great, you're doing great, you're doing great, you're doing great, you're doing great. I was like, I'm very, I'm very appreciative.

of the way you are handling my inconsistent and wildly inconsistent moods. You never know what you're gonna get, like every day, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - It's not easy. It's not easy working for me. It's not easy. - I wouldn't think it would be. - No. - I think we are hard to work for in different ways. - Very different ways. You are extremely consistently demanding. - That's five pins, not four. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am...

I don't know even what I would, I don't know who, the wind. It's like working for the wind. Where is she? Who knows? And Eden used to work for me and I know that Eden pretty much can do anything. Yeah. She's very smart and not really intimidated by anyone to ask. No. She's kind of,

Maybe she'll hear this. I think she's probably the smartest person in most situations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's really smart. She's very, very smart. I think she tolerates a lot of us. Yeah. And I think that the thing that I'm most self-conscious about and I feel really bad about, but there's really nothing I can do about it is the laundry. I mean, when you work for me, it's the moisture. It's about moisture. The moisture wick. It's about wet.

It's the belt. It's wet and grossy. It's wet and gross. - It's deep blue sea. - It's gross. - That's tough. - Yeah, and I like the one, the first, I think it was the second night. It was the wettest night so far. Maybe the first night. - It was the first night. - The first night. It was so hot. It was so hot. - San Francisco. What theater was that? - The Warfield. - The Warfield, San Francisco. You were not looking out for the girls. - No. - You're not being a considerate friend. - No.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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We did the full run through, the full dress run through in humiliating. Oh my God. Okay.

Now, mind you, we are in an ensemble with four extremely beautiful dancers. Actual, like, very good dancers. Lady Gargar. Some of them have stripped. Lady Gargar. Some of them have danced for Gaga. One of them is leaving to go dance for Shania. They're perfect. Gorgeous men. Incredible men. Gorgeous, gorgeous men. Gorgeous, gorgeous men. And I have never felt more like an unfuckable monster next to these guys. And so we're in full drag with wigs. But...

No makeup. No makeup. So I have the full body on. The boobs, the corset, the cinture, the hips, the heels. It was Todrick. Nails, hair, hips, heels. No makeup. No makeup. I got a beard. I'm looking gaunt and sallow. I have no eyebrows. It's like we look in the Jumbotron, which we're getting. Because these are huge venues, we have a giant screen behind us. And I look over and I'm like...

- Yeah. - It's like from the back, I'm like, oh, cute body. It was like fierce, fierce, fierce. And then you look over, it was like face swap. Gross and just pouring sweat. And then we do a full run through all the numbers and then do a full first show, was really a dress rehearsal, but it was a full show with makeup. No meet and greet, but the full, was it? No, there wasn't meet and greet.

There was. There was a fucking meet and greet. So we did the full run through of the show without makeup on, basically in all the costumes, with the body mics on. And then scramble to get in drag. We have one hour to get in drag. Then we go do the meet and greet and then we go do a full show. And the show is awesome.

a brisk and crisp three hours long. Oh yeah, the first cut of the show was truly pushing three hours. Pushing three hours because we had no edits. We had no, we had never really done it for an audience before. There were so many laughs. We just, it was crazy. Drenched. In plays, before all the scene changes and everything are perfect, the plays start longer and then as

All plays. Yeah. The longer you do them. It's a comedy. Yeah. It's a comedy. Dramas don't get shorter because what? You're going to cut for people crying? Yeah. You know, like, so. When people laugh a lot, like they were, I mean, they have laughed themselves to death every night. Yeah. You have to wait for everyone.

And almost every line is a joke. Yeah. I can count on my hand maybe 10 times, but it's not a joke. Yeah. Yeah, I know. It's weird. If we go two or three sentences without a laugh, it's very strange. Yeah. But yeah, thankfully, the show was very funny. But Mary, what? There's a joke in the show that's an airplane joke that we are trying to get work. And yesterday, once again, no one laughed. Yeah.

And then I said, you know what, it's important for a performer on my level to bomb once in a while. And then I'm like, I think we should take it out. And you're like, I love it. I'm like, you don't have to say it. It's my line. We should just switch it. I would love to deliver that line. I'm playing you one night. Just so everyone knows. I'm playing you one night. We should just switch parts. And it's going to be the read of the century. I'm taking liberties.

I'm having a dick out. I'm having a dick out. - Cigarettes the whole night. - A turd kit. - A turd kit wig. - Bloodshot eyes. Big white, white manicure teeth. - And I'm gonna be smiling. - Porcelain dials. Bloodshot diva sings the blues. - I'm gonna pick up all the lines and I might get closer to the text than you.

No, I know my lines. No, I'll tell everybody here. I do know my lines. I know that I have more of a tendency to probably come in and one more type A. This person right here, you know the show. I do. I do. I don't ever worry about us forgetting things. No, no, no.

But however, in the first few shows we made cuts, which means you have to go out there and do these scenes. And forget! And at first, you have to mentally cut out whole sections. Yeah, that's tough. That took all of my brain power. Yeah. Because once I learn something, it's hard to unlearn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm still struggling with the dancing on the first number, but it'll get there.

I'm looking at you. Have you noticed I migrated upstage? I keep thinking I'm traveling too far forward. No, no. Now the truth comes out. I'm coming back so I can look at you because I'm looking at you. And our director, ooh, big shout out also to our director, Tim Drucker, because he's been so incredible. He's like, so I noticed you played a little more upstage for New York, New York. And I was like, yeah.

Yeah. Just so I can look at Trixie. I'm giving her a moment. Yeah. I'm being a considerate person. So I'm just looking at you and he's like, "Yeah, it looks a lot tighter." I was like, "Yeah." Because I'm looking at her. You think it was that way of him saying, "I think it's better for you to follow the protocol." He did say it. It also turns true colors. He's like, "Why don't you just say that, you know, we just, we can work that in like that. You don't know what's going on." There's a lot of movement in the show. Yeah, I know. There is a lot of movement. Oh my God.

My thermogenesis is kicking in. So during the closing number, our closing number, our final number last night, I couldn't help but notice. Also, yeah. So I was like weirdly, weirdly off balance, like just standing there when we do our little, you know, when we're just doing this.

And just for the very opening, I was like, "What is wrong with me?" I felt like I was drunk. And I was like, "What the fuck?" And then we go to spin, just turn for the beginning before it starts to get into the choreo. And I'm like stumbling. I'm like, "What the fuck is happening?" Mary, all of my toes were asleep. - What? - All of my toes. - For a second. - Yes!

- Before we put the fucking, the first dance shoes on for the first number, half of my foot

like I would say a quarter of each of my feet were asleep and I was like, why can't I was like during New York, New York. I was like, I couldn't, when we go up like this, just standing there, I was like stumbling. I was like, what the fuck is wrong with me? My fucking toes were asleep. Yeah. Horrible. Necrosis. Necrosis. Well,

you know what I'm gonna do? Necrovaping. And I don't like the way it looks up close, but I think I'm gonna cut the stirrups. I have to. I think I have to. I have to have. My toes are dying. My toes are fucked. Like, it's in the, because what happens is like, I, so I do one, two, three, four, and then fishnets. So that's five layers. And then what happens when you, when you push

your toe box where you into the toe box of the shoe putting shoes on yes stretching you're stretching the nylons away and it's yeah yeah and the feet are naturally have to the toes have to go like curl you don't know this on stage dark queens are like this yes not safe it's not safe and and like i was like wow god and so we put on the boots for the first very first bit and i'm like

Oh, fuck. Like, I can't feel my pinky toe. And then the first couple, and then half of my big toe was totally numb. Something about those toes. You're right. Blue toe. Yeah, blue toe. And then after the show, we took the everything off. And I looked at my big toe and half of it was yellow. Like white, yellow. Work. You know how. Squeezed to death. Squeezed to death. No blood. No blood. Shit. No blood. First night, I pulled my wig off and there was blood in it.

I took one of those geisha pins and stabbed it into my bald head and there was just blood in this blonde wig and I was like, I'm spotting. Great. I'm on the rag. Oh my god. I lost the baby. Thank god. Don't put that in there. But I think it's going pretty good. It's going great. And I feel relieved because we have signed up to do a lot of things. Yes. And if this wasn't fun and easy and successful and funny,

It would be a different vibe on the tour. I'm going to say it's fun and successful and funny. I'm not going to say it's easy. Because for me, it's not easy. You don't think this is easier than like skin? No, no, no, no, no. It is easier mentally. Mentally, it's easier. It's much easier mentally. Physically, it's... This is more than your other show. Oh, girl. I didn't do shit in Help Me, I'm Dying. I mean, I just stood there.

I just stood there. Well, you were dying. I stood, hello. I just stood there. This is a lot of dancing. It's a lot of quick changes. A lot of quick, quick, quick, quick, quick changes. It's a lot of layers. It's a lot of sweating. I don't know. It's a lot. Yeah. You're doing, you're kind of doing your best sweating on this tour. This is kind of an all-star. Yeah. I'm really getting, I'm letting the, I'm letting the wet out. I'm letting the, yeah, the wave is happening. Portland was great though. Portland was hardly, it was almost dry. It was incredible. Hi. Hello.

Will someone please fuck me? Will someone please fuck me? Will you please fuck me? I think someone would. I think someone needs to. I was in the gym talking. Well, I don't know if it was the person, but so I was on, I went on Grindr. I'm not supposed to do whatever. And I was in the gym and then I saw a person who looked like the person who had messaged me on Grindr. So I was like, I was like trying to give him like goo-goo eyes like in real life. What does that look like? Like this. Do you have an actual look?

- So if you're like-- - It's like prolonged glances. - Yeah, I mean, it's a little creepy. Like, so say this is gonna creep you out. - I've seen you do it. You did it at that server the other night. - No, that was like this. - Girl, it was Tex Avery. We went to this Mexican Asian fusion restaurant. - I just wanna know, I want that waiter to know. I want that waiter to know it's too little too late at this point. I would fucking blow up a kindergarten just to have you fart in my mouth.

- Why not do both? That's juicy. Miss Juicy. - Miss Juicy. - Hey! - Hi! - How y'all doing? - We've been entering and leaving every room today. - Well, he came over, I mean, first of all, he is such a great bartender, such a great service worker because he gives good eyeball.

- Yeah. - He gave good- - He made me feel heard and seen. - Seen. He made you feel seen. - This place is called SZN, does that mean season? Cezanne? - I don't know. - SZN in- - Asian fusion. - Yeah. - Yeah, Asian fusion. - And the touring company for COVID reasons has been renting us entire establishments for just the tour to party alone. - Yeah, yeah. - Which isn't great. We went to a speakeasy where they had custom cocktails. - Yeah, that's cool. - Lesbian in San Francisco was making us these bomb cocktails by hand. - Yeah, gorgeous. - And then we got the most lit

- Mexican, Asian food? I've never heard of fusion. - It was Asian. Asian fusion. It was like a Korean fusion. - It was great. - It was so good. The chicken. - And the bartender was really hot and I saw him deliver your food. I saw him walk away. - How would you describe? - Hungry.

Starving. Starving. Starving. Starving. It was like... Dehydrated. Like, like prowler. Prowler. You know when, in National Geographic, when something's about to pounce and it gets really low to the ground. Yeah. It gets really wide. Yeah. That's what it was. Three months without food and then it sees a gazelle on the savannah. He was gorgeous. He was really gorgeous. And I asked, I was like, um, I was trying to make conversation. So the next time he came over, I was like, um,

"Hi, can I ask you a question? Would you run somebody over for a million dollars?" And he's like, "I'd do it for free." - That's what he said? - Yeah. - Work. - Yeah, I love that. - Then you asked me. - I know, yeah. - You said, "Would you do it for a million dollars?" And I said, "I'd do you for a half mil." - Yeah. But I, so this is what I was doing at the guy in the gym. So you're over there working out and I'm working out. And I would just be like this. - That's not too creepy. - No, no, I'm just looking. I'm like, I'm just looking. I'm looking. There's no, there's no,

I'm not, I'm looking. There's no denying that. It's not like looking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're seeking, but I keep thinking about that Joan Rivers thing where she was like, um, when she was, she was, she was at some talk show and she's like, talks about what she was trying to do. It's like when women are trying to get all sexy and she does this. That's you. That's me. You were also doing the in fabric hands. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I'm literally outside in the lobby going like this. Yeah. The echoes of my loneliness shall reverberate throughout the lobby hall. Yeah. I just want, I just, I deserve it. I deserve it. I have about 60 days left on my antibodies and I am living my best life. It's nice to be, um, a slut and a whore. Yes, but also just like not terrified of

at all times. Yeah. I am sure. Especially now that I've had COVID. Yeah. Now I don't fear like the week before anymore. It's like, oh, well, this is what happens. And then I feel like I should be able to invite someone over and keep the, leave the door unlocked. COVID test right at the front of the door. I'm at the way at the end of the room. And it's like, Hey, and I say, I would love for you to come to my room and have a lovely time.

Please, just, I'm in a production and I need to stay not, I need to stay COVID free. - I'm on the Oprah Winfrey show. - Yeah, I'm on the Oprah, I am Oprah Winfrey. A lot of people depend on me, I own a network. Will you do that test and then, right? - I think that's 100%. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I also think it's appropriate if you wanna, you can also STI test people. - Oh, I don't care about that. - I don't care about that. - I just wish everybody would come out whenever they want.

I get so scared of religious people being forced to wait, wait, wait, wait, wait for what? Oh my god. Life isn't five minutes long. It's a short life. It's incredibly short. It's a short life. Take it from us. It's a short life. One year. I am looking at the, I literally, I can feel the tap, tap, tap of the side of the reaper on my shoulder right now. It's a short life. It is a short life. Being gay and like spending time not fucking men is, or not like...

Sex is great. I know we love to underplay it. Sex doesn't matter that much.

If you were fucking who you wanted to fuck every day, you'd be so happy. I know. It's great. It's free. It's one of the few activities that I feel like is unproductive yet totally productive. Yes. Do you know what I mean? It's also mentally healthy, emotionally healthy. It's probably one of the only times people are actually good to themselves. Yeah. People treat themselves like shit. People drink water. People get blackout drunk.

I have some startling news for you about sex in people. Oh, it's not always about being good to yourself? No! Yeah, that's true. It's about K&G. It's about torture. K&G. We had it first night of the show. Puker in the front row. Puker in the front row. This person was in the front row, so they probably listened to this podcast. Puker. Puker. Miss Puke. And get this. She's doing Miss Puke. Ha ha!

She's doing this puke. We're in the middle of the show. By the way, it's the opening night. We're just trying to remember our lines. Yeah. And in the opening night of anything, you're almost on autopilot. Yeah. Because it's like out of body watching yourself perform this thing. And there's a scene where Kachi and I are tied up and Kelly Mantle, who's in the tour, is behind us doing whole monologue. Yeah.

four feet from us. Someone's puking and they're literally like this. - Bowled over, bowled over, dead, dead. The seats next to them vacant because you know why. And like, yeah, it's like an emergency situation going on there. And Miss Kelly is oblivious. - And then after the show, we're like, "I can't believe that person who puked." And Kelly's like, "What?" And you're like, "Kelly, someone was puking right in front of you during your monologue." And she's like, "Oh."

- Beth Kelly's a professional. - Yeah. - Actor. - She's acting. That attracts me. - She's so funny. - I can't wait to go out there every night and see what she's gonna change her ass. She goes, she's different every night. - I know. - In a good way. - I know. - Kelly Dantzler's so funny. - Hello. - I don't wanna spoil it, but the accents she does are so unplaceable. - Yeah.

- She's been around the world. - You can't quite locate her. GPS does not work on Ms. Mantle. - I told her that her accent is where in the world is Carmen Sancho. - As soon as you think you try to drop a pin, it goes move somewhere else. - Oh my God. - And the dancers are great. We have two tour buses, which feels great.

It feels super, super rich. But we have a huge production. I don't know if you've seen the load-in for the equipment. It's like a fucking Lollapalooza. There's a semi-truck carrying, I don't even know how many, hundreds of thousands of dollars of lights and shit. Yes. The stuff...

- What do you call that? - I don't know what you call it. It's like metal shit. - Metal shit, the grits. - Yeah, they bring it in, set it on the stage, they break it up and they lift it out there every night. But that way on tour, the person who runs the tour, his lighting is Chris, who's done both of our tours. His lighting is the same every night. He just has to push the buttons. Otherwise he has to spend the whole day programming a light. - No, Mary. - It's too much. - It's crazy. - The show has so many cues.

So many audio and visual cues. It's crazy. - Tell me like every 20 seconds there's a cue. - Yeah. And Chris is so, this motherfucker is so, talk about cool as a cucumber. Cooler than the coolest cucumber in the fucking crisper. He is so chill. - Calm energy. - Calm energy. He's like this, he's like,

Yeah, we're just gonna do some lighting. Hey, Brian. Yeah, he's very chill. He's so chill. I love it. Yeah, I love him. He makes me nervous that when straight guys are that nice, I'm always like... What lurks beneath? Yeah, or like, why don't you hate me? Why do straight people tour with drag queens and not feel weird about it?

You know? I don't— That's my own damage. I think that's your own business you get to attend to. I think he likes it. He loves us. He likes to catch those. Yeah, he likes us. But he's got a cool— He has a very dark sense of humor. Yes. I think that's why he likes it. Yeah, and he's also like— I appreciate being around straight people because they don't like— they don't like drag just because.

Do you know what I mean? Like, they don't... Right. Like, they don't just take drag as a given because if you kind of look at drag from the outside, you're like, what's so good about it? In a lot of ways, you know? But he... Yeah, I like... I often like straight guys' opinions about drag. It's interesting to see what they get out of it. Yeah. Yeah. There was... One of my friends came to the show and was like, I was surprised to see how many...

young women. I was like, oh, are you kidding? This is a sapphic mixer. Yeah, this is a sapphic girl on girl. This is Girls Gone Wild. Girls Gone Wild. Girl on girl. The L word. Yeah, sapphic remembrance. This is a, yeah, this is a sapphic Sunday at the lickety split.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Let me ingrate all these single girls. I, they, I, go talk to them. I know. They're eating out at the gig. I know. Chomp, chomp, ladies. Chomp, chomp. I hope y'all are like, I hope y'all like spread legs and chomp, chomp like piranha. By the way, if I was a woman and I wanted my pussy eaten in,

I come to our show. I get a woman to do it. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'd go to our show. I would, I would, I would, I would take my breasts out of my top and I would be, hi, would someone please chomp chomp on my clit? Should I chew it like ginger root? Are you nauseous?

- Also somebody who's doing something at the show that I really take issue with, which is when it's a seated event, we're in these- - Standing up. - We're in some of those beautiful theaters I've ever been. - Oh, they're stunning. - The walls are like sculpted and painted. - Yeah, beautiful. Baroque, Baroque. - I don't know what you call it in theaters where it's lit and like domes and it's painted. - Yeah, it's gorgeous. Baroque, Rococo. - When no one's standing,

You don't need to stand up. Don't you stand up. Last night, there was a girl who, every song she was standing, I'm like, I'm happy you're here. I'm happy you're happy. People are behind you. I know. I didn't get nervous when the drag, there was a drag queen sitting in the front row. With the horns, I know. Nobody can see. I know. You gotta be considerate with your, maybe the theater is not the place for your funky hat.

That's why I didn't want to sit at the Critics' Choice Awards. I was like, I'm going to ruin this for someone. Yeah, no way. Yeah, the theater is not the place for Funky Hat or for K&G. Or Ketamine and Gia. Don't take Ketamine. Ketamine. You can't take Ketamine. Ketamine and Gia to be, yeah. Are you on Pratt?

No. I don't get fucked. Yeah, the risk is much lower. We had a woman at the Mean Greet the other day who was a nurse. You remember that? And she was like... No, she was a pharmacist. A pharmacist. She said, thank you so much for doing your PrEP ads. I'm a prescriber of PrEP and I thank you for telling people about it. Nine and counting. Nine and counting. That's crazy. Nine. I know. And not to be reductive, but like Michael Henry, who I work with a lot, people are like, how do you know Michael? I'm like, we were in an HIV medicine commercial. Mm-hmm.

That's how we met. It's great though. You're doing the work. I love doing those commercials. If nobody's seen them, everyone's... The ones that's funny, some of them are very funny. They're hilarious. Yeah, they're very funny. They're really funny and I don't like memorizing. My attitude when I sat down to memorize this show could not have been more poor. Oh, yeah. I was like, fucking tour, fucking touring, bullshit. I was so mad. Girl...

By the way, the difference of sitting down to memorize something I didn't even write. I know. I mean, I like, we, I was there. I mean, me and Eden were there for every draft of the script, seven of them. And I still was like, I'm not learning this. And I waited to the very last minute, but then I learned it. Because it's actually not that hard. It's not that bad. It's not that tough. But when I got COVID, I was like, well, there's nothing to do. So we're learning the script. So I did about five or 10 pages a day. That was my project. Yeah.

But you know, some people like, do you know about the play Buyer and Seller? No. It's a play, a one man play.

One person. No. All monologues. And it's by, it's the point of view of the one person who works in Barbra Streisand's basement. Oh, yes, yes. You told me about that. And I know a few people have played it. Tom Lang's played it. J. Rodriguez has played it. It's all one person. And I was like, how do you even do that? And they go, well, basically, because, you know, a monologue is different than dialogue. Of course. The monologue, we have big monologues in the middle of the show. That took so much brain power to memorize that. And it's not even that long.

- I know. - These people have told me they're like, basically you have to take one page of dialogue a day for months to memorize it. And then at the end of every day, you have to kind of do it in order to see how it all... I could never. I'm sorry.

Marry. Memorizing my stand-up is very easy because it's the way I wrote it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Memorizing things the way other people write them is way harder. Oh, I'm thinking about how long it takes me to learn a song in another language and I have to listen and I'm like, oh, it takes about two months. Girl,

I do a song Like listening In this show Yeah That you wrote That I'm not even clear On the words Yeah I just mouth things That I think are right Yeah Yeah I mean it's Yeah it's crazy It's crazy Sorry I guess That's all we talked about Is the tour but No that's Well that's gonna be life Please fuck me Please fuck her It's our day off From the tour So we're I don't

I'm going to just go for a run. I'm going to get a massage at five. Did you book it at the place? No, they booked it for me because I have to be COVID, whatever, you know? Yeah. They're coming to the room, in the room, in the room, in the room. Have you ever used a Soothe app? No. It's Uber, but it's massage. Shut the fuck up. I'm dead serious. It's providers, independent providers. Shut the fuck up. And you go, hey, I'm at this hotel and you choose if it's a man or a woman. You can request oil and hot stones. No, it's not that. It's normal massage.

At least the last one I had, the guy took out a big drum and beat it. - Are you serious? - Yes. - You get like, . - Can I get like the blow dart to the neck? - Well, I think it wasn't a drum. It was a lip for a trash can. - He was, well. - I fell down on the street. I fell down on the street and some homeless man touched me. - I know, I know, I don't.

I never know what to say about it, but the unchecked and unmitigated, rampant, unhoused in San Francisco shocks me every time. It's Armageddon. San Francisco is Armageddon. For those of you who are not aware, San Francisco is Armageddon. If you're wondering about how

things are going to end and how capitalism is going to collapse and erupt into chaos, just visit San Francisco. It's crazy. Within, I think I walked from, now we're in the Tenderloin, which is a very challenging area.

- Challenging profile. - Yeah, challenging profile. I remember my like, I don't know, 30 meter walk from the bus to the venue, I think I saw three human asses and two of them take a feisty shit on the ground. - Right outside the door? - I saw this shit, not to be gross,

I saw the shit come out of their anus onto the ground. - That's how you know. - Littered with human shit everywhere. Not dog shit. It wasn't like Runyon back in LA where there's dog shit everywhere. It was like, this is human shit. 'Cause I saw the shit come out from the feces hole in the person. - Human shit looks different on the street. - Yeah. - It looks like human shit. - It tastes way different. - I stepped outside the stage door and I saw a...

Oh yeah, a needle in the arm. Just sunlight, sunlight out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and Eden. I asked you to go back in the car. Yeah. How brazen. How brazen. That was drug use, intravenous drug use in the street in the sunlight, not to be poly in it. Oh wait, no, I know. I remember the first time I saw it in real life, because I'm not an, I was never an intravenous drug user. And like that, because that scares me. I watched it. It looks like you've taken a hard fall. Are you okay? I don't know.

I'm fine. Oh my god. I fell, but I'm okay. I did not fall. It's like when this watch wants to be able to go, take a moment to breathe. Are you serious? Fucking tell me what to do. Fuck off. Wait, does that monitor your health? Yeah. How? How? I don't know. Oh. Well, it has this on the back, which I think tracks your heart rate and your temperature and stuff. Oh, work. I want to get one. Apple Watch, I'm obsessed with it. I just cannot have emails come to me on my wrist. No, no, no. You get your text, though, which is fabulous.

Because then you can just be like, okay, I'll get rid of it. I'll send the text. You don't have to pick up your phone. Can I just exit out? You can also not look at it. Okay, okay. There's so many great things though in here. I'm going to get an Apple Watch today. You should. I love it. Okay, cool. The only thing is, you have to charge it every couple of days.

No, I charge my phone every day. Yeah, but it's just, you know, it's one more thing. One more thing to go to the charter. Yeah. But San Francisco, I actually went home and Googled in San Francisco. I was like, oh, it's fine articles. But like, oh, there's plenty. What do you do? How can I do something? I mean, we're in a sold out theater for two nights on tour buses. I'm standing off my mobile bedroom. I know.

It's crazy. Which I talk about since it's glamorous as it sounds, but still. But still, yeah. I'm just like, what can we actually do for these people? Is that ignorant? But like, what can we actually do? Besides just give money to someone, which I guess is probably the best thing. I don't know. Just give money to a shelter or something. I don't know. What can we actually do? What's the recourse? I think it's, I don't know. I mean, I honestly don't know. I think it's, I don't, the wealth disparity in San Francisco is so, is so huge. It's just, I don't know. It's crazy. It's crazy.

I don't know. I don't know. I think we have to overthrow capitalism, but I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon. Me and Eden, when we were walking to the restaurant, saw a man fully naked. Today? No, in Portland. Portland. Naked. It was very strange. There's a lot of... I mean, we live in Hollywood. I'm used to seeing... Lots of different stuff. LA unhoused, though, it's different than San Francisco unhoused. Yeah. It is, yeah. And Portland, I also saw talking to self.

In Seattle, I saw someone up against a mirror, like a mirrored window at a restaurant with two action figures yelling at each other. - That was me. - No. - It was a Trixie doll and a Katya doll. I was just working, I was just processing. - I'm getting to my frustrations. - Yeah. - But listen, if you have a way that you think you could help, or you think there's a good way to help, let me know because I would like to do something. - Yeah. - Hey. - Hey. Give the girls some shots. - Give the girls some shots. We'll see you next time, bye. - Bye.

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