I Need Everyone to Know That I Only Like Girls with Trixie and Katya
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So I think if you and I... No, okay. So I think I read that the upper 90%... Okay, wait.

90% of OnlyFans people make less than $150 a month doing it. So 90% of OnlyFans creators make less than $150 a month. Yeah, so when people post like I'm in the top 5%, it must mean like you make a lot of money a year. And I hate when people count my money. You do, yeah. Mark, yeah, right. It's pretty spry though. Do you see how fast he threw himself on the floor? Yeah.

The pink panther of Bald and the Beautiful. Oh my god. That was slinky, Mark. That was slinky. That was slinky. For those of you who are stuck in traffic listening to this, Mark just tried to sneakily crawl across frame without... Like a panther on the runway. By the way, knowing us, even if you stayed out of frame, do you think we were going to act like that was normal? That wasn't normal. I love it. Not stepping in, slinking in. So...

Only fans. Yeah, if you and I I think that that that 90% less number that number I think it's because people who are good at porn make it look easy Right content creation here. Even if you're having sex if you're doing videos braiding your hair mama making videos is hard It's very hard. Even if you're just talking to the camera making videos is work. I'm gonna scream I'm about to scream and I think porn people probably get into it a lot of them thinking it's gonna be easy but I

are part-time videographers, part-time social media workers. Fucking is such a small amount of what they do to be successful. They're literally, how do you call that? The coordination of the social, like, hookers,

securing the hookup. Yeah. Scheduling the hookup. Yeah. Traveling for the hookup. Yeah. Like diversifying the partner pool, all that stuff. Yeah. Mary, let me tell you something. As a, not regrettably, but slightly ashamed, avid user of OnlyFans, I can tell you that over 90% of OnlyFans creators have horrible video work. Mama, dark. Are you talking the quality? No lighting, bad framing. Uh-huh. No editing. Bad sound. Sound.

No sound. Because I think sound matters. I want to hear the pussy lips. Don't film in the shower. Don't film in the shower. People are filming in the shower. You know what I hear when you're filming in the shower? Get out of the shower. Get out.

Get out of the shower. I want your OnlyFans content to be like the tub in The Shining. Mama. That curtain opening. It's not a shower. It's a bath. Yeah, it's a bath. That's a good point. It's a beautiful bathroom. Beautiful bathroom. Unless you have an art deco bathroom. I don't want to see you fucking in it, honey. I'm not paying $9.99 a month, sweetie. I know the HGTV star in me when I watch the bathroom porn is like, but look at that tile work. I know. Oh, the ground. If they had a skylight. Oh, you know.

I can't. Listen, I have been scammed. I have been scammed more times than I would care to admit. I have been scammed. Scammed likely. And you've been on OnlyFans. So you're not a creator yourself. I've been a creator. I've been a scammer. Not really. Not really. I never promised anything that I didn't deliver on. Excuse me. And people who follow you know to expect. They know they're not going to see my penis ball and testy. And they know that they might not get content for years. Oh.

You're on your own schedule. Thank you. I never said anything. I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you? Credit for being someone who tried to love you the only way she knew how. No, but I recently paid $30. $30 to buy this video from this guy. You paid $30? I paid $30. You could get the Harry Potter 7 film collection. So you hate trans women.

I just mean you could get like Star Wars trilogy. Of course. I could get half a tank of gas. I could get half a tank of gas and go use that gas to go to that person's house and slap them on the face and demand my $30 back. For 30 bucks, you could have fucked them in real life. Do you know what I got? Do you know what I got for $30? What was the video? It was a like 12 second darkly, poorly lit, badly framed,

Blurry video of him not even having an erection It was a true Straight up scam So you paid for like actually a scam I bought fake drugs on the streets of Amsterdam That's what it was

That's what it was. That's what it was. You don't want to out them. No, I want to kill them behind the scenes. I don't want you to embarrass them as a creator, but if they are, if they are a grifter, I hope they stop. If you know who you are and you hear this, please stop. That's disappointing. Yes, but this is about like, this is a different type of media literacy, a different type of street smarts that you have to develop in the digital world. Like,

But it's also like call the better business bureau, bitch. Like they lied to you. Well, yeah, no shit. So all I have, what I have to do is like be, do my due diligence and be like, okay, shut the door on that spiritual realm. You could probably get a refund. You probably get only fans to refund you.

Oh, that's interesting. This is what was sent to me for $30. But I think that they count on the shady or shadowy or shameful active purchasing sex and sex related items to like, you don't want to go public. The hooker I got had a weenie that didn't satisfy me. You know, like you don't want to scream about it in the public square. Like not wanting to tell people. Yeah. I mean, I didn't even want to tell it right now, but I felt compelled to. You launched right into it.

I didn't even want to tell it. You made me. Roll back the tape. She's like, I was robbed. I was so... There are... Because I know many of my friends have very lucrative careers on OnlyFans. They're very hard workers. They work a lot. They have teams of editors and they have multiple cameras. It's a whole production going on. Beautiful, well-lit, long scenes. No, no, no. Long scenes with penetration. And if I produced porn, if I was a producer, I would make it

perfectly lit yeah i would make sure a movie i would make sure people have spray tans manicures they would look perfect and um i would make sure that actors have food water everything they need trimix everything they need everything they need i'd be in there stepping in yeah needle up the ass or whatever a zempic wengobi mandabo right up the ass well can i tell you what happens you know what happens in my porn consumption pattern i go straight back to hollywood

I go to Hollywood. All roads lead back to Hollywood and Highland. I go to Bruce Willis in Color of Night because you know what I want? I want acting. I want lighting. I want drama. I want framing. So you don't want porn. I want filmmaking. Okay. It seems like you want to see Avatar and the Shape of Water and shit. I want boobs, breasts, titties, and weenies and butts, but I want them all. I just want it beautiful. I like good sound.

It matters to me. Absolutely. I want to hear that fucking mucus membrane, bitch. Yes. I want to hear that eyeball getting snatched out of the person's. Yeah. And then I want to hear the toes crushing it on the, on the carpet of the trailer. I want to hear breath. Yeah. If they're kissing, I want to hear like heart.

What are we here for? It needs to be ASMR in a way. But you know, it's the same reason I don't get drunk when I think I'm going to have sex. Like, because if I think sex is going to happen, I want it in full color. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. 4D. Muppets 4D. Yeah. You want it 4K. Yeah. I've been so horny lately. Good for you. No. Is the T-blockers wearing off? No. I wish. I'm ready to go on testosterone. Like, I obviously missed a few puberties. Look at me.

I look more like a piece of sperm. Stop it. Stop it. Do you have your levels checked? Because I did that a little while ago with my doctor. No, because I'm honestly, this is not a joke. I'm not being funny. And everybody is on different journeys. I'm afraid they're going to go. You're a girl. You're a woman. You don't have any testosterone. Mary, I forgot.

How did you even get a dick? Like I'm afraid. No, I'm afraid they're going to be like, there's your, your, your, you're not necessarily biologically male, which wouldn't be bad thing necessarily. Cause I think I'm so gay. My levels are probably like,

Estrogen and testosterone spiking at the same time, full blast. Like I'm running the heater and the air conditioning at the same time. Like hormonally. But ever since I quit drinking, I'm horny all the time now. I'm horny all the time. Yeah. I think my, my chase, like before, how does that manifest in being horny? Yeah. I get, I get boners and I think about sex and I want to have it.

Do you know how it manifests? Poor David laying on the couch, like smoking weed, watching TV. Me walking in. A little poke coming through. Laying directly in front of him and blocking the TV this close to his face and smiling. I'm ready to do sex now. He's in the middle of watching like a movie and he's probably high watching TV. And I come this close to his face and I'm just like, I do have, I mean, I've never been diagnosed. I definitely have some.

communication, um, alternative communication patterns. Presenting themselves as they get older. Yes. My other new thing is it's not new, but I realized I do it now. I can't stop. Oh God. There's a few things. No. One of the big ones is when people say, I call them crispy ours. Once I was like, oh yeah, can I have a graham cracker? Can I have a crispy cream? That's crunchy. That's great. I'm just a girl. When they say that,

- Who says that? You? - Sarah Michelle Gellar does it. I think it's like a North Atlantic, whatever thing. - A graham cracker? - No, they're like, so she's a really great girl. She's a great, it's a great, it's a creamy, crispy cracker. I'm telling you people. - I've never heard of this before in my life. - Now that I said it, you're gonna hear it all the time. - Oh no. - And my thing is when someone does it. - A creamy, crispy cracker? - Yes.

When someone does it, I have to repeat it. I have to go. So if you said graham cracker, I would have to go graham cracker. I have to say it. I also, anything automated voices, I have to say it back. Like, um, um, when they're like, right now, scanning your eyes. I'm like, or the other big one is wait,

Oh, at the, the, the, the crosswalk is on. I can't not say it. So then when I'm crosswalking, I'm like, walk sign is on. I don't know if maybe I should make it a song. Is that echolalia? Look it up. A compulsion to like repeat what I just heard. Yeah. Yeah. I only for certain things. Walk, walk, walk, walk. She's a, she's a really great girl. She's great. Creamy cracker. She's great. She's great. She's, is that, isn't that the vowel sound though? Amy does it.

A lot of people I know do it and I can't not hear it. But is it about the R or the vowel? It's the R. It's the R? Crispy, crunchy, creamy graham cracker. That was great. It was a great girl. We need a linguistic, we need like a phonologist or something, a linguistics person in here. My friend Beck and I call it crispy R's. And that's not what they're probably officially called. Crispy. It's crispy. I like the chicken because it was crispy.

What? That was great. The accent is killing me. It's killing me. It's strangling me. It has a choke hold on my psyche. Yeah. I'm going to say I don't like haunted houses and I want you to ask me why. I don't like haunted houses. Why don't you like haunted houses? They're creepy. Ah!

Creepy. Very creepy. A creepy, creamy, crispy cracker. Do you see what I mean? I can't not see it. I don't like it. Yeah. Anything like that. It's... Or like, the mall is closing in 15 minutes. I have to say it back. Well, that's different. Gotta say it back. That's different. Automated voices. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's something very bizarre and musical about a phrase being repeated over and over again. Every time I get into the...

An elevator in France? Etage trois. Troisième étage. Troisième étage. Quatrième étage. Troisième étage. Yeah. Doors open. Premier étage. Doors open. Doors open. Doors closing. Yeah. Lobby. I say it too. Lobby. 16th floor. Lobby. Premier étage. Lobby.

Lobby. Do you know what it takes me back to? French class. When we do, cause you know, when you're learning French, repeat, repeat, you think you know French until you do listening exercises. And then when you do listening exercises, your brain is like, Oh right. I've learned nothing. Right. Um, yeah. It'd be like, listen, as Ahmed talks to tweet about their classes, talk about what classes they have and where they are going. I'm like, I have to say it back. And then it would be like,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to say it back. I have to say it back. What's wrong with me? Lobby. Lobby. I do the same thing in Elevator, especially. And sometimes when people are inside it, too, like I'm making fun of the voice. Yeah. Like, it's like, they're not going to get it. It's like, who wins there? It's like, yeah, I really showed them.

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Oh my God. I did a pride the other night and I was in an elevator and there was drunk girls in the lobby. Okay. And one of them was getting married and she went up to me and she was like, just drunk, which the night before her wedding. Good for her. But also I'm like, I hope you're not hung over tomorrow. I'm over on a wedding day and address. Ooh. And she's like, um, you're not Trixie. And I was like, yes, I am. She's like, you're not. I was like, yes, I am. And then she's like,

- You just said fine I'm not. - And then her friend is like, if you are, she's obsessed with you, are you? And I said, yeah. And her friend's like, you're not. And I was like, okay, I'm not. So then they follow me in the elevator and they're blotto, they have wine in the hand. - Oh God. - And I'm riding up to the 11th floor to my room and they're getting off on my floor and just like walking and talking. And I was like, they're like, do you wanna go out? And I was like, I can't, I'm gonna go get out of drag. And they're like, we can wait for you. And I was like, no. - Oh, you were in drag? - Yeah, I was in drag.

It was in drag. And then her, no, my name is Landon. I'm quitting drag soon. Yeah. And then her, her, and then her friend was like, uh, her friend was like, she, she can go with you. It's fine. I'll find my, I was like, take your friend, take your drunk, drunk.

bride to be friend. Don't let her follow into the night. The night before your wedding? The night before your nuptials, you're going to follow drag queens into the night? I don't think so because you're not coming back a married woman. Because if we're going to a bar, I'm sucking cock. I'm not there for the alcohol anymore. She's filming it with perfect sound and lighting. Hello. When I say I'm going to the bar, I'm really going for the behind the bar. Okay? I'm going to make mild eye contact with someone. It's horny. Horny. I've talked to people who have, when you cut out drinking, they become hornier.

Horny all the time. Now it's like I have to have sex every day. That's what I'm saying. It's really annoying. It's a lot. Just once? Not every day, but like I'm horny a lot. I think that is perfectly natural for a healthy adult male of your type. I mean, it's better for me than drinking. Well, anything is better than drinking. I know. Mostly, you know, drinking is a very bad thing. I love drinking. I'm already planning my first drink when I come back and I will be back.

You're going to hit the ground running. I'll be back. I really want a fresh mojito with ground up mint. I think you, no, you mentioned a drink on the, uh, something the other day. I don't know what it was. And you're like, like a, uh, a flaming, um, what? It's like a very fancy crazy drink. Like a flaming, um, um, uh,

Like a drink that's really difficult for the bartender to make. What's the most complicated drink you can think of that would be the most annoying to order? Anything blended. Okay. Margaritas, ice cream drinks. Most bars will be like, we're just not doing that. We don't do blended margaritas. It isn't an Orange Julius. I wouldn't expect a bar to have a blender, period. Well, if you're like a Mexican restaurant. Everybody wants a margarita. Yeah, and they usually want them blended because most places don't do it. So when you're somewhere that does do it, you want to partake. And most of those places have margarita machines.

Oh, so it's like a soda fountain. It's pre-blended. It's a soda fountain. Yeah. Okay. And then they're just adding booze. A lot of sugar in those. Yeah, but they're delicious. Are they really? I love margaritas. That's tequila or rum? It's tequila. Tequila's made from agave and it's the only alcohol that's a stimulant. So like if you are a little jet lagged or something, even a half shot of tequila. Like, you know when you have to go somewhere and then you have, you land and you have to like go to dinner? Oh.

No, I've never been invited, but I can understand the concept. Well, tomorrow you and I have to go to something. What are we going to? I don't know, but there better be tequila. But I'm going because you said we're going. I didn't say anything. I said we're going somewhere. I'm sorry. Do you have me confused for someone else? Aren't we going to Amy Poehler's thing tomorrow? We're going to go have dinner with Amy Poehler tomorrow. Yeah, we are, right? Because I said so. We're going to dinner with Amy Poehler tomorrow. Yeah, that's what I thought.

The energy of being called a liar on my own podcast by my guest. Guest! Guest! Guest! Guest! I have to go. Your next guest is waiting. And we're back. If I died, who would you want to step into the Bald and the Beautiful? It's got to be a bald person or someone willing to shave their head. Absolutely no one. No, for real. Natalie Portman. No, I know. It would be a rotating cast of actresses who have to shave their head for a role.

It's a great idea, actually. Wouldn't that be incredible? Yes. Demi. Everybody. We'd go, like, we'd do AI. We'd go back because we would run out. We wouldn't be able to, you know, dock that many episodes because there's not that many, you know, it takes a long time. So we'd go back with footage. Demi Moore and G.I. Jane would AI the mouth and everything. But we'd use her, like, I'd interview her with that, um,

with the visual of her. You know what I mean? Like from press junkets. Like we'd use that footage. So she's not really here. No, she's not really here, but her voice is really here. Yes. It'd be like a CGI James Cameron avatar kind of thing. Very high budget. You would be very impressed and jealous. Yeah. Or like, did you ever see Tron? Yeah. When they showed the dad young? Yes. It's exactly that type of thing. How do they do that? Frame by frame? They do, yeah, the de-aging thing. And I was looking on Twitter about a whole, like a list of things where the best one was. And I think it was Tron.

Blade Runner? They did Blade Runner 2? I guess I think it is that. They did Blade Runner? They got us together on Queen of the Universe this season. I look good. You look great. I don't look that good. What do you mean? The filter at the judges table, we are definitely... I'm in the RuPaul zone now. One would hope. With the blending. And I'm a good makeup artist, I think, but I'm watching it. I'm like, I'm not that good. That's really good. That's nice. Let me tell you about the human face and things that you could put on it.

It's never perfect. No, I could go out there. My dream would be to go out with no makeup and just know that it's going to be he hung in post. Oh,

Oh, right, right, right. Well, they'll just put you like the Lil Nas billboard. They'll just put you in front of an outfit. Girl, I'm sorry. I'm not a whistleblower. No, it's not his fault either. I love vitamin water and I love Lil Nas X. Me too. But I don't think he's in that picture. No, his face is. There's a billboard of him that I'm like, you didn't have that wig on. That is not your body. And you are not holding that drink, which is fine because

Because there's no truth in advertising. Talk about mascara commercials. As if a photo shoot is based in honesty. Like, who cares? Right. Especially like advertising photos or videos. I mean, I remember when I was like eight years old and I found out that milk in cereal commercials is like glue. Elmer's glue. I couldn't believe it. Imagine if you could go a food stylist. A food stylist would just ruin shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You make good looking food, you can't...

Like menu photography, that ain't real food. Because you know, you go to the Thai restaurants where they do use real photos and it looks like whodunit ran. Of course, it tastes delicious when it comes to the table. Do you like picture menus?

I don't actually because I like to kind of know what the food's going to look like. Like at an Applebee's menu and they have a picture of the burger. I'm like, great. Love it. I don't trust it. You don't trust it? No, I don't trust it. I guess you're right. What's the point of a picture? Because it's not going to look like that. Just tell me what's in there. I trust the words and the ingredients for sure. Of course, they always lie to you when you're white and they say it's spicy. I had an invite last week to go to the White House.

for like a luncheon thing. - Oh, that's right. - And I didn't go. - Dr. JB. - And I would love to go to the White House. I've never been. I feel like everybody's gone to the White House on a school field trip except me. I've never gone. - Oh, I didn't go. I didn't go. I didn't go either. - I bet it's amazing. I mean, whether or not you- - Oh, to be in the White House. - Yeah, whether or not you care about politics, I bet seeing the White House is cool, right? - Of course. - I've never even seen it in person. - Me neither. - Been to DC, never seen it. - What have you done in DC? - Just gigs. I've done town a few times and shows with you. The Lincoln Theater, air conditioning.

Get on up. It's sickening. Lincoln Theater. Oh, my God. That should be the Lincoln Theater should be the president of the United States. A hundred percent. Whoever's running the AC at the Lincoln Theater, that's your chief of staff. Yeah. And I'm not being funny. I'm not being funny. But the Lincoln Theater. Oh, yeah. Extra. Extra. The Lincoln Theater. What about it? I mean, he wasn't. That's not. He was shot at the Ford Theater, wasn't he? But he's Lincoln.

Oh, so you think we're all going to get shot when we go to the theater? I don't know. It's just crazy. I'm also not going to get in the Jane Mansfield Prius. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's a weird thing to associate celebrities with the thing that killed them. The Hindenburg. Yeah. The Hindenburg. Or like, here's the Chevrolet Titanic. Yeah. There's a reason why they don't sell trim spa anymore. Do you know what I mean? Like, there's just, it's like...

How come heroin's still around? I just think if you're a celebrity and you die in a certain way, in a certain place. Right. It's in bad taste. It's also bizarre strategic marketing. Yeah. The Lincoln Theater. Perhaps it existed long before his death. I doubt that. That is possible. I don't know about that. Look it up. Control room. You know what? It could have been named after another Lincoln. Thank you. There's a giant...

Oh. Bust of him in there. Yeah, but maybe that was his brother, Fred. Twin brother. A lot of people don't know that. Fred Lincoln? Yeah. Mary Todd had a twin sister too, Mary Rosemary. Do you think Abraham Lincoln was gay? Yes, he was. I've heard that. Yeah. I think everyone was gay. Well, I think, yes, I think so too. I think so. Well, I think in the future we're all going to look back and we're going to be like, people used to say they were gay or straight.

I hope so. It's such a stupid thing to be like, I need everyone to know that I only like girls. Why do we need everyone to know who we fuck? I think in the future, we will all assume that any of us could fall in love with any of us and that's it. It won't be interesting. What a hopeful utopian fantasy. It'll be like, oh, I just, you know, I'm assuming there will always be more straight people.

And I'm assuming we'll all be like, oh, I didn't know he liked other men or something. But it's not going to be, I think in the future, coming out day will be like a relic. All of that. I think also in the future, we'll be more worried about like fresh water rather than like sexual orientation. You know what I mean? Yeah. Or like, oh, you're a fag. Well, we are going to have to send you to Mars. Yeah.

Not because you're gay, because we have no water. Mars has more water than us. Mars and Venus. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus.

Men and women. Hey, can you wrap your head around that? Here's the difference between men and women. I would love, we should do a whole special. Men have big fucking schlongs that hang out of their crutches and women's have holes that they put those fucking schlongs in. What the fuck? And it's like, ladies, after a long day, you want to, are you kidding me? When you bleed on the office floor and your boss fires you, but then you realize she's a woman. So you touch her pussy. Like, like,

I do feel in comedy, like, you know, I'm going to say like marketable comedy. I do think women get forced into either being the unfuckable pig or the slut. Right. Those are the two. And sometimes the gorgeous slut is forced to masquerade as an unfuckable pig. Yeah. Or vice versa. Yeah. And I think that has more to do with.

what average people are willing to accept from a woman on stage. They're like, you either have to be the ugly friend or the hot slut. There is no middle. I'm going to tell you about something in the middle. And I told, I talked about last time and I'm talking about it again. If for you, it's going to be very boring because you didn't see it, but I'm going to fucking reiterate that Jacqueline Novak's show, get on your knees. It was all about sex and about her, about giving a blow job and about the male and female anatomy and all this stuff. But it was like, it was the smartest, funniest, most incredible, like,

erudite. What does that mean? Like learned books. I mean, this woman is so smart. She's so funny. And she's, it's so, it's just so, it was so dazzling. I've never seen anything like it. Fearless. It was like also very home. Like she's been doing it for a while, many years. And I think she's going to tape it soon. You have to watch it. It blew, it literally blew my hair off and then my scalp off and I was bleeding all over the floor, but it's maybe I can go to the taping. It's in New York. I think it's happening like right now.

I was so fierce at Largo. Anyways, but she's, it wasn't like, yeah. Uh-huh. But that's what I would have wanted. Girl, you know what I can't stop thinking about? What? That gig at Penn State.

I can't stop thinking about it. Let me ask you though, as a little black girl from the Brewster Project, how did you get the courage to come in here today and look so white? I guess I'm just going to tell the short version of it is okay so that the listeners know. Yeah, yeah. Because it happened at the Plaza the other night. Yes. Okay. Bizarrely. Yes. I was doing a gig. Oh, God.

You got a hip replacement. So I went to perform at Penn State University. She took my horrible gig. By the way, thank fucking God. Oh, it was such a fun gig. Everybody was so nice. The students were lovely. But any college gig, it's at 7 p.m. It's sober. No drinking. It's carpeted flooring. It's awkward, right? You know, it's awkward. And it's me and Jujubee. So me and Jujubee are kicking it. I haven't seen her since Queen of the Universe when I eliminated her. So it was like nice tension backstage. Nice simmering pot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she was probably there because she thought she'd be booked with you, her old friend. Instead, I show up, the last person to disrespect her on television. See?

different vibe and I show up and I'm like all right I'm gonna open the show and I actually bring on jujube so I'm gonna go out and open it and they go hey do you want a song to walk out to and I said well what does the stage look like and they said it's a long runway I said oh perfect I'll walk out and do like a slutty little walk yeah and they'll cheer and I said just put on supermodel by RuPaul everyone loves that song the audience will love it the audience is like 19 years old they're gonna love it yeah and I thought I'm gonna turn the corner and be like you better work I thought girl yeah I

I forgot how that song starts. There's a lengthy intro. There's a lengthy intro that I wouldn't say...

- Goes with the narrative I was trying to present. - No. - Or describes the person or persona that you've created in any way, shape or form. - In any way. - In fact. - So what I wanted was to promote this RuPaul song, promote drag, be fierce. And if you play a RuPaul song, the audience feels like, oh, I know RuPaul. We all know this. - We're in that universe now. - Yeah, start the show on a good note. I forget how it really starts, which is it's a college show, so they're sober. So when the lights go down, they get silent. They're listening. They're ready.

The track starts, the straight guy with his MacBook goes, hits it. And I'm standing backstage and I'm with the microphone like this. And the music, I forget how the song really starts, which is, should I just play it? Absolutely. I'm just going to play it. You have to. I'm just going to play it. Once upon a time, there was a little black girl from the Brewster Projects. Okay, this is how it really started. So imagine a bunch of 18-year-old sober college kids. Give it up for your host this evening, Trixie Mattel. Once upon a time.

There was a little black girl in the Brewster projects of Detroit, Michigan. At 15, she was spotted by an Ebony Fashion Fair talent scout and her modeling career took off. You better work. So then I'm backstage and I'm going, and I love this song. So I can't believe I forgot how it really starts. And Jujubee's looking at me and she mouthed the words,

And I'm just like mortified. I'm like, this is so stupid. It's a great song, but oh my God, I forgot the beginning. So then I just walk out and hopefully they barely listened and they were, hopefully they pregame so hard as college kids that they were blackout. Cause I walked out and was just like, it reminds me of the Arsenio Hall, like way back in the day when he came out for his monologue one day, he was like, I'm like, hello everybody, please don't adjust your television screens. I'm black.

Damn. Love that. Now, I didn't say that. Maybe. Maybe. You should have been like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Your eyes are not deceiving you, Penn State. But I'm like, you know what? Let's pick this black queer artist who's the mother of all drag. Let's put that. Let's start the show on the right note. And then that played. A little black. It sounds like fucking Maya Angelou or Aretha Franklin or something. I think it's Martha Wash. Of course it is. There you go.

That is so crazy. Little black girl from the Brewster Projects in Detroit, Michigan. I just, that's not how I would describe myself personally. I would go once upon a time, there was a little white girl from a trailer. Yeah. A little Ojibwe who was not scouted by a model scout and never will be. That's how I would describe myself personally.

So anyway, that was humiliating. A Boy Scout from an Ojibwe trailer. And I came to see you at Plaza three nights ago. And Supermodel played and the memory that I had buried reanimated. Because they tried to do the same thing. They tried to play Supermodel. So they tried to do a runway walk. They queued up a runway track.

And then the intro played, and I do not believe that that was intended at all. I could be wrong about that, but I was like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Because I don't think that was relevant in any way, shape, or form to the characters in that particular show as well. I'm not going to lie to you. That was my favorite cabaret they've done. Oh, really? You loved it? Yes! It was very funny. Andrew, I mean, do you want to set up what it is? Oh, yeah, yeah. So I... Oh, and also, I'm not going to pat myself on the back. You were great. But I will say that I do deserve the Medal of Freedom award.

a lifetime achievement award. And I am prepping my speech for a Kennedy center honors because I not only was that my first time back in drag in a while, I did all day. And then I went home, shaved, reshaved and remake up to do that show.

Yeah, I'll hold for applause. I will hold for applause. A standing O would be preferable. That is... Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That is really crazy for you. And every single second after I... Because we got home from on at like four. Yeah, yeah. Kind of early. And we get to the studio and I'm looking at Eden and I'm like, I'm staring down the barrel of four hours. Four hours with nothing to do in drag. With nothing to do. See, if I were you... My face was not...

Good. Third time. It's the third. You weren't having a good makeup day. No. Skin wise. It looked horrible. Horrible. What do you think was going on there? Well, it was the, the, I think that my little nose thing was horrible. I think it was exacerbated by that day mostly, but it was just thick beard.

I keep saying it. I have six hour window in drag. Period. Do you want electrolysis? No. No, I don't. Because I know so many people who have had that. It's a long, expensive, painful procedure that doesn't necessarily bear fruit. And I also like having a beard when I'm not in drag.

I know this might come as a shock to you, but I do enjoy being perceived as a man. - And you do have a lot of time out of drag. - Thank you. - A lot of time. - A lot of time. But wait, wait, wait, so-- - I know we're about to film that TV show again. You're gonna be in hog heaven 'cause I'm gonna be doing something else for a month. - Oh, . - Remember when I go to Queen of the Universe and you just fuck around for a month every year? - Oh my God. When the cat is away, the mouse will play.

Oh, I forgot. Ooh, there ain't no other way. Girl, whenever I come back from a thing on my own, you are like Encino Man cast away, like a beard frozen in ice. I was like. Wait, wait. So we do Aunt all day. Third shoot, I was like over it.

over it get home it was hard I'm like okay so I'm like I could keep this face on and I look in the mirror and I'm like this face shouldn't even be on right now right never mind keep it on it's like you know when a leather face puts on that um the woman mask yeah woman mask it looked worse than that so I had to go home I took a nap and waking up from that nap was like

It was, it was like, we need to have people like, did you have to take your foundation off? I had to completely de-drag. You, you got in drag twice. I got in drag. I'm trying to tell you. You didn't just do like the eyes down?

This was still bad too. Everything was bad. Everything was bad because all the eyeliner was muddy and running. The lashes were like a little droopy. Everything needed a refresh. Everything. The brows were jacked. There was no makeup on the forehead anymore. It was so horrible. And then I had to, I had to take a soaking hot like rag or face cloth and like moisten my face before I shaved it twice. Cause it was,

It was Freddy Krueger. Raw. It was raw. It was Freddy Krueger. It was hamburger meat. It's like a horror movie when you're shaving and blood is appearing and you're like. Blood. And you're like, cause I gotta go. I'm like, it's too smooth to do. It's too like short. Have you thought about shaving every day no matter what? That's actually worse. But don't you think your skin, if you do it every day, we'll get used to it? No, that's what happens with that is that it grows faster.

So say, for example, no, I'm telling you. So if I don't do drag for three days on the fourth day and I don't shave for three days on the fourth day,

I'll get the smoothest, longest lasting shave. Oh, because the skin is like. Yeah. Oh, that makes sense. But if I shave every single day, it grows back faster. It grows back faster. That's why five days in drag, it's not happening in a row. Well, when you're shaving hair, you also are accidentally shaving a layer of skin. Yeah. That's why they say men tend to age slower in this region because if they shave their whole life, you're exfoliating every day your whole life. You're basically micro. Like in beauty videos, they're microplaning their skin with like a razor. That's what shaving is. Okay.

So it's actually weirdly good for your skin, but not when you immediately expose the pore and pack makeup into it. And pack in dirty brushes and all kinds of debris and nonsense and drama and conforma. I don't do dirty brushes.

Oh, I know. I know. I do. I'm disgusting, but it's fine. My body's a fucking reservoir of hell. Get them washed. No, no. Eden washes them now. Oh, that's what I mean. Yeah. No, they get washed now. But like if it was up to me. You don't do dirty brushes anymore. No, if it was up to me. But I drove in drag for the first time. Hated it.

Hated it. You were driving in drag. I drove myself to the gig because I'm not paying overtime for Miss Little Girl. Oh, for like an Uber? No. It would have been 60 bucks for like an Uber Black. I had to go to the gig by myself at night. I cannot believe I made it.

10 minutes to spare though. I arrived the show was at 9:00. I've read it 8:50 That's about when I arrived in my car. I must arrive right after you. Oh my god I walked into the dressing room just to say hi to everyone and I don't super know everyone there But everybody knows me through you and Andrew so I just always like to pop back and say like have a good show Yeah, and I love the plaza and I love this I love I've seen like the last four of those in a row and love them Did you see me crouched on the floor?

Yeah, I saw you crush on the floor in front of a fan. And Andrew goes, we got her a fan. She's good. I said, well, why don't you get her some formaldehyde? That's what I said to him. Because you were crouched with your wig on just blowing in a fan. But you were like this. So you were like this. And I walked in and you had the fan right here and you were like.

Because so it's like the situation was I was, I was expecting, first of all, I couldn't believe that I actually showed up. And so I showed up and I'm like, okay, I'm here. In a new outfit? Now what? I was like, now what? I put on the hottest outfit I have. Very hot. The hottest outfit I have, do a fun song and I've never done. But before that, there's no room in the dressing room.

None. None. It's about the size of the studio and there's 15, 10 people. Yeah. And there's all people who are like, don't do drag. They're just performing. And there's plenty, it's chock full of stuff. And I, my brain quickly went into, you know what, if this isn't fun, that's a level of absurdity I'm not willing to deal with.

Do you know what I mean? If this isn't fun, I'm not willing to be, I'm not willing to complain or be crazy because that's so absurd. I'm not going to live that life. Because if we're not here for fans, if we're not here for money, you got to personally have fun. When I've DJed like fat slut or something like that. And I'm like, I don't even know what they're paying me. Probably whatever. Five. I don't know. I don't know. And I'm like, I just want to feel it. Yeah. But in order for me to have fun, I have to feel I look good.

And that's part of it. If I have to have fun, I have to think I look great. I know. So that was what I was struggling with. I felt like I was sweating so much. I look in the mirror. It wasn't that bad. I just looked like a 40-year-old woman. That's what I looked like because I had a little bit of makeup on. Yes. Naomi Watts put on a – she's on a cycle. Naomi Watts and Connie and Carla. She's on a cycle.

Tony Collette is what I looked like. I looked like Tony Collette. But nobody knew I was a surprise, like pop-up thing, no advertisement. And I didn't expect to be paid. Then I go out and do a number that is so weird and nobody knows the song. And I can tell that people were like...

shocked to realize it was me, but also so confused by what was happening. It actually was. Can I expound on that? I was in the audience. I was at the scene of the crime and plaza is funny because even if you want to drink, it's a quick 45 minute way for a drink. And it's a, it's a,

um cash only it's a very cash only situation it really gave shocks it took me it actually was time travel i was sitting there watching i like it better than jocks it was night it was nice the lighting was good and i'm sitting there watching you lip sync and i was actually going like this is weird like it's like a time warp to yeah it was weird a drag time warp yeah because i wasn't that was your life many nights a week i wasn't announced nobody knew who i was it was like and i was i got the same amount of nerves going on to the stage because it was

The same behind the curtain. It was the very same similar situation where it's like, these could all be bachelorettes. Some of them even were, or were women who are acting like bachelorettes. Yeah. And, but I got to say, since I quit smoking, I was able, my cardiovascular fitness has noticeably improved. Oh yeah. It's crazy. Oh yeah. It's crazy. You can breathe. You can breathe. And I'm horny now.

No, but I was like, at the end. You're going through the change. Yeah. Well, they dropped a house on me and Andrew is like, because there was a theme, like a Wizard of Oz type of Judy Garland type of thing going on. Yes. They get a house dropped on me. And he's like, can you stay under the house on stage for the whole first part? And I was like, I was like, probably not. Because I'm just thinking ahead. Like, I'll probably be so. You're going to be stepped on.

So I was a trooper. I tried to stay under there, like legs out with the cardboard house on me until I started to feel the tap, tap, tap of the Reaper's touch. And I was like, I need to get the fuck out of here. So I slithered away on my back, like shimmy, shimmy shoulder. Yeah. And then I slid down the stairs into the dressing room. I did see that. I saw that. You slid down the stairs. I slid down the stairs like a fucking, like a worm or like a piece of furniture that's too heavy. Yeah. You slide it down the stairs.

Movers. College age movers. But then I was done with my responsibilities for the evening. I felt so free. I thought you'd immediately leave. You went to the bar. I went to the bar because I always got to see a bunch of friends. I love that crowd. I love that crowd because it's not... The best crowd in LA. Best crowd in LA. No one's a fan of you or me. No. It's gay guys and porn people.

In my hot neighbor, my hot neighbor who I haven't met yet, but I've been in communication with. I mean, it's probably a friend thing. He's so hot and he's my age. I just need a neighbor like that.

Like friend farm is there. Well, cause Orville and I have been chatting. You guys are neighbors. Well, no, no, no. Yeah. Not very close. This guy and I are very close. We're close. It's like we're down the street. Yeah. Orville. They, Brittany lives over there too. Brittany Murphy. Oh, Brittany. I thought you said Brittany Spears. Yeah. My friend, Brittany. Did you, did you think if I knew Brittany Spears, I would have brought it up at some point in the last eight years.

I don't know. What if one day you were like, I was like, my sister got married and you're like, who? And I was like, Britney Spears, my sister. Have I never mentioned that? What if I just one day was like, oh yeah, no, me, Britney and Jamie Lynn, we're triplets. They're not even the same age. That's why your levels were off. You're dead.

No, but my other level being off is my other level of being off with my horniness is I've also, let's say, trimmed up a little bit. And so I think everyone's trying to fuck me. That might not be true. Well, that has nothing to do with me. Have you told the story about the woman downstairs yet on the pod yet? Have you downstairs? Yeah.

You lost a lot of weight. Very sexy. There's a woman on my, in my. Wait, wait, let's save it for next. Let's leave it on the cliffhanger. Okay. No, I have one more story. I have one more story about the thing though. Oh, the plaza. The plaza. It's a great show. And no one, and I've had a blast every time. Every time it gets better and better. The audience is amazing. It's like artsy gay guys who are there to clap and scream. It's so fun. So fun. And the most beautiful porn people ever seen in their life. Was that

Absolutely it was. He's so beautiful. It's crazy. All of them are beautiful. And it's like really faggy, muscly guys who put on glitter and costumes and act foolish. Fools. And I'm way more attracted to perfectly hot people acting like idiots. Absolutely. It's way... The Jesus... Not the Jesus. The...

He's played Jesus before. Austin Avery. Incredible. Always giving comedy, but still amazing physique. I love that shit. Like carved out of marble. Yeah. But he always is playing something like kind of stupid, which is so fun. The Lana Del Rey mermaid, you know, so funny. Yes. And there's a really hot guy who I've seen like three times at your gig. And I hope they're not listening to this, but the, um,

Who is it? I don't care. Whatever. He was a dentist. Do you know what I'm talking about? Oh, Dr. Wagner. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, I know whether or not people are trying to fuck me, that has nothing to do with me anymore. So I'm playing it out my own way. Well, if Pinar Wagner and associates are listening to this...

No, I was a human rights violation. He comes up and talks to me like a nice person. And he was like, oh, blah, blah, blah. And I think I panicked and immediately tried to find common ground. So he starts talking to me and I go, yeah, I got veneers and they were $2,600 a tooth. And I just go.

And he's like, it's really cool freak. No, but I think it's because the last time I saw him, I don't even know if he heard me, but I said, do I have to become a patient to get you my mouth? Which is a little forward, but you know, it was like kind of comedy. And I always start talking to him about Dr. Sun, my dentist, like it's a colleague of his. And he's like, I think I've heard of her practice over on. And I was like, yeah, Doheny.

She's amazing. He's like, okay. You should have lunch with her. I'll schedule it tomorrow for you. I know. Just anyway. But you know what? The real tragedy is that I'm out of their network now. They don't take my dental insurance anymore. It's a wrap. Dr. Wagner? Yeah, Pinar Wagner. They don't take my fucking Delta Dental. Delta Dental, why don't you suck my ass? I'm going to stop putting out then. Yeah, you won't fuck them until Delta Dental comes through. I refuse to fuck people at that office until they give her some free crowns. Thank you. No, I just want a free cleaning. Not a crown. Free cleaning. Thank you.

Bye.