I'm on Ozempic and I'm Blowing Ass with Trixie and Katya
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And we're... Oh, wait. I love on shows when it's like a live taping and it goes, and we're out. When the end of a live stream. Have you seen Welcome to Me?

You that with Kristen McWig. No, Kristen McWig. Kristen Wig. Okay. Because her. No, you told me about this. I have to write it down because I want to watch it. It's about a woman with borderline personality disorder who is obsessed with Oprah and daytime television, et cetera. And she wins $86 million and dumps it all into having her own local access to a TV show about herself. And it's where she hires actors to play her and friends who've traumatized her and acted out. It's crazy.

Trixie Motel. Trixie and Katya on Biceland. Yeah. It's so crazy. I've never heard of it. Joan Cusack. Christian Wig. Yeah. Wes Bentley. Great. James Marsters. Marsden? Is that his name? Marsden. Oh, James Marsden. I'm thinking of James Marsters who's Spike from Buffy. Oh, okay. Sorry.

Sounds like you were scrambling your crispy R in there. We don't do that anymore. Crispy cream, crunchy graham crackers. She's really great. She's a great girl. She's great. Great. There's something really wrong with it. It's something very dark-sided about it. It's twisted up. It's Halloween-y. There's a lot going on, though, right now. I won't elaborate on that. Are you joining the new socials? Are you on the threads, honey?

Are you on the blue sky? What does it mean? I'm hardly on Twitter. I'm rarely on Instagram. I do fap to Tumblr every once in a while. Because I love GIFs of people fucking and sucking. A GIF of a loop? Oh, yeah. Because sex is about motion.

It's an action, you know what I mean? And it's about like rhythms, circadian rhythms. I was into Tumblr when it was porn. And then when it stopped being porn, I really lost respect for them as a people. Well, you're like, well, you go to the general store for some chocolate. They stopped selling chocolate. You don't go to the store anymore. But I bet Tumblr plays herself like the victim. I'm a Tumblr. She doesn't know who she is right now. She's like, yeah, we have porn, but this is like they have sensitive. It's a whole mess. But the thing about social media is when you give people something,

Later if you decide to monetize that thing they had for free, they're not gonna like it No, they're not gonna this Twitter thing where you get 600 tweets or something you get to view 600 tweet verified and unverified Accounts and newly verified accounts all have limits of what they can look at Lee Leon Leon Musk get your fucking dick off my eyeballs Do you know I mean get your dick out of my eyeballs. What a strange-looking person ugly

Very strange looking person. Yeah, ugly. He makes Zuckerberg look like Don Juan. Yeah, really. I mean, it's not exact. Do you know about them saying they're going to beat each other up?

Mom, that fight would be so faggoty and so sad. You got Elon who's like, well, actually. And then you have Zuckerberg who's like, I'm out here smoking meats. Yeah, I got smoked meats and a fat ass. Him and his, I don't know, short chinos. You ever see that picture of him with a sunblock on his face? I surely have. Jet skiing with a big fat dumper that shouldn't belong to him, by the way. I mean, it's kind of a catch-22 because in America, we both worship wealth.

And hate the very rich. So no matter what they did at their tax bracket, people are going to hate them. Well, no matter what they do. And they should. Because nobody should. Unless you're Oprah. Oprah's the only one who gets away with being that rich and no one hates her. Oh, I beg to differ on that. Who else? Dolly maybe? Dolly's untouchable, but she's also not a billionaire. Yeah.

Whereas Miss Oprah. Miss Oprah is definitely in the B club. I mean, I don't know. Dolly's probably in the hundreds of millions or whatever. But anyways, it should be illegal. Doing what you need to do to get to that club is illegal. Unethical. Unethical, illegal, and shouldn't be allowed. I agree. Anyways. You and I make...

Billions of dollars. Not billions. You and I make enough that if they told me, hey, we're going to cure homelessness, but people who make the money you do, we need 30%. I'd be like, take it, Mary. Yeah, great. We should have done that 150 years ago. But the truth is these billionaires, if they gave even 1%, they could end world hunger. But it's not, yeah. The thing is that they, unfortunately, they'd have to rearrange the whole system that allows them to be billionaires. Well, that's why we should be basically socialists.

I've waited. I think there's a world where capitalism and socialism can exist together. Hallelujah. Well, I don't know about that. I mean, yeah, we can, if there is an in place, if it's basically graded on a curve where the more money you make, the more you have to pick up the bill of society, you should not be able to be, you should not be able to cheat and hoard wealth. Yeah. And you should also, there should be an income, um,

maximum but there also needs to be a some sense of solidarity built into the social fabric of the country otherwise nobody's going to like want to help anybody yeah which is where we are now it's like me and my family and then you i have a shotgun let's you know what i mean if you try to with my family and my family's blood money we will kill you people that's america i'm not joking

I think people fantasize about someone breaking into their home so they get to shoot someone with their gun. I'm dead serious. 100%. When people say like, come and take it. They're like, please give me a reason to shoot you. Every night they have hot tea and they're in a rocking chair with a shotgun. Every night. By the front door. Yeah. Waiting.

What's going on there? I don't like guns. I don't want to hold them, touch them. I'm not curious about them. I don't care. It's not for us. Yeah. I held them recently. My friend, he has like probably 10 or 12 of them. Your uncle has a bar? No, my friend. But he has like a collection. AR-15, rifles, like .50 caliber handguns. My brother has guns. Yeah. And I held them.

They're not. We should not be having those. We don't. We should not have those. You're not. You're not Jesse Pinkman. You're not Walter White. I'm not Ulysses S. Grant. No. That's the president. That's true. General E. Lee. You're not in a war-torn. I'm not Napoleon Bonaparte. Yeah, especially in America. We're not in a war.

I don't know. Killer be killed. It's not Zero Dark Thirty. I'm not like going in spider holes with the fucking, with the Marines looking for Bin Laden. No. Even that's done by computer these days. Well, you can't find Bin Laden anymore. Did he move? Isn't he dead? Oh, no. He just like got a facelift. You know when they found him in that spider hole that he had Kim K porn?

the diva that's why she has that's why she's if i found out that he was jerk enough to me i don't think i could ever present myself to a man again no no that's how you know you have universal appeal that's immense crossing over you're big in international market yeah it's like you know porn i've been thinking a lot about porn tell me and so it's it's strange to have a lot of

People around me, like, so this one porn star who was a superstar ballet dancer is teaching me ballet a couple days in my little gym at home. He's a fantastic dancer. It's sickening.

And he does porn. And I've known this porn before I met him. And it's a strange thing for me to have jerked off to him several times and then meet him in real life and then discover he's a dancer and then take dance lessons from him. It's such a complicated relationship socially because I was looking at him do a grand plie and I almost, my eyes went like cross-eyed.

You almost got sprung. I almost got sprung and I had to like... Exit. I almost like took off for the Hollywood Hills. Yeah. Up the hill. Uh-huh. But I... That's how I feel about... You and I, I went to that winter solstice thing outside Andrew's house. Remember like two years ago? It was like you and me and a bunch of porn people all putting like our intentions in the universe. Yeah. With the moon. Which was so crazy. And so... It's LA. It's LA. Crazy. It's not the cocaine. It's the moon. It's the moon.

Sometimes we don't have to hope that celestial bodies make us a bad person. Sometimes we just have to look inward. It's personal behavior. You know? And you shit that turn. Blame it on the moon. Likely, like that. You know I love Chirac. Yes. I love Chirac. And I don't care. I know that's basic because so many people love him. But I like what I like. Don't yell at me. I'm not. So you're Brad Pitt. He was at this solstice thing. Yeah.

And I was just like, that's right. He must look at me. And just from my eyes and from my demeanor, he must know. He must know that I have excised the skin from my cock through friction. You've rubbed it off to his. To him. And will continue to do so. I watch him fuck men in ways that I actually don't want to happen to me. Because these men are. Brutalized. It's Fight Club, honey. Yeah.

It's Fight Club. It's no country for old men. It's Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning. I don't want to be slammed on a wall and choked and fucked in a way that hurts. Where that breaks your pelvis. But I want to watch that happen in a porn. Yeah. It's like, I'm like that person who goes to a store and tries on outfits I'll never buy. That's how I'm with porn. I'm like, what if I like this? You're never going to get married, but you'll go to David's Bridal. Try on dresses.

I'd be like, we're doing a rushed wedding because my boyfriend's being deployed. Do you guys have a discount? And I buy dresses. And then I open my own David's Bridal. Oh, a Scamtina. David without the apostrophe. David's.

David's bridal. David's bridal. So the opposite, the guy that I was admiring gets, I wouldn't say fucked. I'd say he gets pummeled, jackhammered, fracked, human fracking going on, jet-fueled pistons drilling for oil in the Mariana Trench kind of fucking, like deep sea. And I'm just going to do like an impersonation, but this is what the sound is. Oh, oh, oh.

It's like pain. It's beyond that. It's the, the, and the, the, like it's pre-verbal. It's so, you're like, oh, they're going to kiss. They're having a moment of intimacy. Opens his mouth, hawks a loogie down his throat. Yeah. And calls his mother a fat cunt. Stuff so much of rotten vegetables in there and then tapes it shut. Yes. You look down and you're like, oh, they're doing open heart surgery. No anesthesia. This is PBS. Yeah.

It's I, I, porn is amazing. It's really an interesting thing that we all like it exists in the world with us. It like parodies and fetishizes and inflates our own sexual desires. Yeah. It's funny that like, you know, like on stage you play things big in porn. I do think they play it big because watching P if you watched people fuck the way people really fuck.

It's not that hot. Especially if it's not lit well. Yeah. You know what I mean? I was having sex with David the other day. My partner. Yeah. Wow. I was having sex with David and I was. You were wearing a wig? No, but I was doing this all night. Like all night? Yeah. You blow them, but you put your bangs on? Yeah. I was like, you want me to talk? So I took out my flipper. Do you like put your hair behind yours when you're going down on them? That would be so funny. Well, I have a claw clip.

And I just clip it to the skin. And when it starts bleeding, you know you're done. But there's a mirror in our bedroom and I caught a glimpse of myself. And I don't like, I'm not one of those people who like, when you're fucking and you're like staring at yourself in the mirror. That's American psycho behavior. But I was like, oh, this feels so hot and sexy.

We don't, we look not like porn. We look like humans having sex, which isn't as theatrical. No one's cheating out. No one's like, we're just kissing and inserting things until we stop. Yeah. It's not important. It's not one hot pleasure. Yeah. And in porn, they have to work hard to make it read. I think I just show the camera, show the car and then walk around the car. Yeah. Yeah.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. So my brother was in, stayed over for three days. And so I didn't jerk off because I had no privacy. And we don't jerk off together. I know that's unusual for brothers. Right. But he's also a very like... Well, he's not into girls. He's not into guys. He's...

No, let's wait. He's like a very, not devout, but say serious Buddhist, like a big time meditator. And so like. Sounds uppity. It does sound uppity. I made it sound uppity. So like, you know how people are Buddhists? He's like real. It's actually down to earth. Cause he's like, he would never describe himself as like whatever I just said. But he sits for like hours in meditation and goes on retreats, 90 day silent retreats.

Crazy shit. But so like hardcore Buddhist practitioners, they work to get rid of what? 90 days of silence. 30 days of night, 90 days of silence. Okay. Actually, how many days would you last up that 90? If it's like, you really wanted to. So I did a weekend retreat for insight meditation. It's just two days, eight hours of meditation altogether each day. When I tell you that I almost open fired, that almost, oh,

I got off of my cushion, went to the gun store and came back and killed everybody there. And then myself, that's the level of tumultuousness in my brain when I was like, it was hard. Yeah. My version of like a silent retreat is, um, sitting in front of the TV with the office at full volume. That's still silent to me. Drooling on yourself with like chips all around you. But so anyways, but the point of, so the, like the, one of the tenants of Buddhism is like life is suffering and there's a way out of suffering and it's suffering is caused by desire. Yeah.

So the monks that he goes and visits are celibate and they don't jerk off. They just nocturnal emissioning? Perhaps. So it's like, so what's the real truth? They don't jerk off.

But who's verifying that? Well, exactly. The government? No, they do the black light in the morning and then they get caned if they don't. No, they all have iPhones and they have the government officials who are watching their iPhone cameras and tell on them. Yeah, they have- All guys in robes? No, they have penis cameras. They have penis cock rings with the cameras on them. Mary, what about the cock cage people?

What about it? So what about it? I know. Tell me all about it. I'm going to tell you about it. So that is interesting because that's also, that's actually related. It's the denial of release in terms of building up desire is like a long form. Denial of release, release Richards, release rich. Yeah.

I wouldn't be surprised if we never saw Release Richards again. But it's like, it's saying you were like, it's control. It's like a psychological, like long form, like sex games. I'm more of a short term sex game girl, but I think it's, it's the denial is the sex, it's the sex part. It's like the, it's the like, it's like, are you going to come home after work tonight? Because, oh, I can't touch. It's, it's the yearning. Yes. The yearning. It's the pining. It's the can't, the withholding, the control. But also those can't be,

comfortable no it's the person needs to go for a run how am i supposed to with a cage on your fucking dick that's what i'm saying you have a the bird cage is on your fucking genitals the tunnel under ocean boulevard bitch like what are you did you know that there's a cock did you know that there's a cock cage yeah did you know there's a cock cage under my ocean boulevard well what's it so what if you have a cock cage on and then a butt plug in mama mouth guard

You're ready for rugby. Yeah. Blackout contact lenses. Oh my God. Microblading. And a ponytail glued to the top of your head. That's hellraiser, Barry. That's hellraiser. Cenobites. That's what I'm saying. These fuckers. These fuckers are skating around cenobites. Cenobites are walking among us. Okay. It's a skate park. You know, skate parks like a swimming pool. The cenobite is in the middle. Okay. And these people are circling. They're circling the drain. They're circling. Yeah. Because that cenobite shit is all about like pain and pleasure. Absolutely. Like hedonism. Yeah. These whores are on the...

If you're out there and you wear a cock cage, what I want to know is, do you tell people? Do your friends know you're into that? Is it all secret? So a friend of mine wore a cock cage for a time. An adult performer went to the spa. I didn't particularly know this information because I do not fuck with this man in that way. And when we were all, nudity is required.

Is this the spa? He certainly did have a cock cage on. And then my other friend certainly did have implants in his genitals. And I was the only one who felt like Polly fucking Anna, who didn't have like a fucking bone through my dick or like, you know what I mean? Or like a horse tail coming out of my ass. So like, I was just like,

I just don't know if I could take the constriction, but I guess that's what they want. Yeah, that's what it is. That's what they want. I would want something like a parakeet cage, something big. Just so I have movement. Oh my God, like a giant with a bird in it. Oh, definitely a bird in it. You have to dress your dick up like a parrot. There's 12 to 15 zebra finches. Pecking at your weenie. I want a bird to suck my cock. You have to put his feet up. I'm going to go to the pet store and say, do you have any birds that suck cock?

So how can I train my parakeet to put seeds in my dick hole? How do I get a canary to put millet in my ass? Do you have a garden snake that can eat me out? I don't know what those ball pythons do. Okay, enough, enough, enough. No, but the desire thing. So we talked about this at length is like,

I was like, are you kidding? You can't jerk off. I was like, I couldn't believe it. I was incredulous. The monks and they're like, yeah, but it's not that it's like, it's not easy. But the whole point is that the over the centuries of the traditions of Buddhism, they have learned that it's better.

Says who? Compared to what? They. Compared to always giving into desire, the wheel of desire, the suffering of desire, being pulled into the wheel over and over and over, restless, never satisfied. Getting off the wheel of suffering is the whole point of Buddhism. So if you want to be enlightened or- She's sober. People love it. Love what? Sober people love Buddhist shit, don't they? I don't know that they do. I mean, a lot of- A is very Christian. Buddhism is a philosophy, not a religion. Yeah.

That's the thing. I mean, they have like religious, you know, the temples and traditions, but like the philosophy, you know, God, bitch, it's just all about how to be happy. Like and not suffer. 90 days of silence. I can't wrap my head around it. I can't wrap my head around it. When I'm like overstimulated from work, from drag, you know, doing improv, whatever talking like we do is very draining. Yeah. When I'm really depleted, I need like a day of just not silence, like silence,

I don't want to talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm going to listen to podcasts, listen to music, go swimming. Like I'm going to do things that make noise. Are they allowed to watch TV? No. So not only do they have to be silent, they can't do anything with noise. No, no, no. So they'll hear a talk. They'll hear a talk like by a teacher. Sometimes they get to ask a question one-on-one, but there's no conversation and it's just. Oh, so it's not like they have to sit in silence. Oh, no, no, no. I thought it was like.

No TV, no music, no nothing. Like earplugs, silence. Oh, no, no. It's not like sensory deprivation. Oh, okay. No, but there's sitting meditation, walking meditation. There's chores. There's free time. There's a very limited. Is there like a Doritos meditation? Can I do that? Yeah. Or I get the party bag and I just goon. You just goon. Yeah. You stick, you put the, open the bag, put it on your dick and let the birds just. Yeah. Yeah. But they, one of the monasteries only have one meal a day. How about that?

That wouldn't work for me. Well, you're only sitting. You're not burning calories. Is it like paimé? Is it like fucking rice too? It's whatever. Is it balanced? Is it turned? It's whatever. You have to beg for it? Yeah, you can't. The monks cannot prepare food for themselves or candle money. So it's whatever the people in the village decide to give them. It could be fucking Spago, Chipotle, or fucking gruel from the goulash lady. It's fierce. I don't think Buddhism would be for me. But you look... You're getting there.

I know I look like that. I love the look though. Bald with orange robes. I see him at the airport sometimes. Fierce. Fierce. Hot. Can I just ask a question about Amish people? Amish people? Yeah. I see him at the airport. I am an expert. I see him at the airport. Are they hypocrites? Not that, but like if you can't drive a car. How'd you get here? Why can you fly a Boeing 77, 707? They're pilots? Yeah.

No, I don't think they're pilots, but they... Imagine. The Amish... Are they allowed to fly on planes? Well, they're not flying. They're just passengers. They're running under the plane? Yeah.

They're hanging from it? They have a wooden little boat that's being towed by the plane. They're passengers. They're passengers. Can they ride in a car then? I believe... I don't know. Because I thought in Wisconsin we have Amish people and I always see them, they usually use the road but they ride down the side of the shoulder of the freeway. Not the freeway. The shoulder of a highway in a wagon. Wagon, yeah. So I always thought, oh, they don't have phones, they don't have...

Actually, I'm just earnestly very ignorant to though. Where are the lines there was a way we could check but we can't so I guess we'll just have to stay ignorant because I've also heard that or because in LA there's Orthodox Jewish people on Saturday and I've heard right on the weekends in this right no electricity They walk around and I always see families walking because they can't do a lot of stuff They choose not to they can't touch it. Well, can they use Alexa? Well, is it just about touching? Where's the line? Where's the line? Can they use a crimper? I

Because they're wearing wigs. I mean, can they crimp their own hair or can they crimp the wig? Can you pull off that clit and crimp it? No. A bull can technically fly on a commercial airline. Can't. Says who? No, no, no. No, they chew. Their philosophy dictates that or they, you know. No, it feels like they were like, we don't care about cars. And then years later, they're like, fuck boats. And then planes came out and the Amish were like. Okay, now. We can fly. We gotta fly, right? Disneyland. They're like, yeah.

Boats, blimps, and bowings. I'm so ignorant to so many religions so that many of these things I learn about them are one tiny piece of a massive puzzle. And it leaves you very, very, very curious. Well, I'll sum it up for you real easy. The Christian or Catholics, fierce art collectors, the fiercest art collectors, and the worst pedophiles. Then you got your Muslims. They are...

I don't know anything about Muslims. And then there's, and then who else? The Judaism. Lovely. Lovely gal. Love to go shopping. They get a little crazy with the wolves in the summer, but by and large, keep to themselves. The fabric shit is hard to understand. But the costumes, mama, it's pageantry. It's pageantry.

orange robes cheese wheel hats uh white can i say like i just feel like life is so short and i really don't get down with anything that restricts the way you dress it's let me live well it's it's about like defining parameter defining communities and you know what i mean it's like black belts and karate signifiers it's like i was thinking about drag the other day for this reason i was like people have such an issue with like a man in a dress

Mama. But every piece of clothing is still fabric. What you're mad about is- Have you seen the Pope? That's what I'm saying. The Pope is- RuPaul could never. The Pope's garment maker is a faggot. An Italian fag. Fisted. Yeah. Pamela Rowland. No, this is true. He's a fierce fisting faggot. Vince Camuto. He's hot. How do you know? Instagram, bitch. I swear to God, I'll show it to you.

He makes the Pope's vestments and they're absolutely stunning. They're- - Gorgeous. - They're breathtaking, but they're gay as hell and he's gay, but- - If I was the Pope, I would wanna be able to wear like a J. Crew t-shirt. Like, why does the robe make me religious to you? - Because it's a huge responsibility. You're a figurehead, you know? They have, the Pope's outfits are so fierce. The Prada, Mark, it's the Prada. - But that's right up there with people being like, 35 is a young presidential candidate. Why?

I don't know. Compared to what? 80 year olds? Yes. That's young. Yeah. Michelle Wolf was making a joke about presidents like you have to be ugly. Every president's ugly. We have one hot president and he was shot in the face. Ooh. JFK? JFK. Poor thing. Ooh, the rhino all the way. Do you know about Jackie O on Twitter? On their net?

Eden, your friend, told me that on the internet, there's large groups of people who are convinced that Jackie Onassis is a troll. They say that she's incredibly ugly. No, no, no. So she's clapped, but she can wear an outfit. Yeah.

There's like the bitch like though it's these like young people going back into like but also she was clapped But she could rock that outfit, but also they clapped to feel better about yourself You said you know what that bitch from 50 years ago. Who's dead. Yeah, she was ugly She was toe up, but that pillbox ate. She wasn't a model. She never claimed to be gorgeous. Why pick her? I

The poor woman who had her husband's brains and hurt on a convertible like yeah in front of the world the world Mary I don't like that. How would you like to be assassinated if you had to be say you're the president something really stylish like um Have you ever seen American Horror Story coven? Yes. Do you remember when Balenciaga? No, do you remember when Leslie Jordan and that woman who plays the two people who are the witches council? um

Francis McConroy comes for them fiercely with a paralysis. They're like eating lunch and suddenly like, and they're like frozen and she like scoops out their eyeballs and shit. That's what I want to happen to me. Scooped out the eyeballs. I wrote down some other things I have to tell you. Okay. Oh yeah. So, hey, listen. So the people, so our people on our team managers and such have been throwing around this tour word, the T word, which I call the T word. I really resent that. It's not a tour. The agents,

Michael Grinspan from UTA, United Talent Agency. Michael Jonathan Joseph Grinspan III. Lovely physique. 1317 Fillmore Avenue, Los Angeles. Lovely physique, Jewish, gay, love everything about him. Great at his job. But when he rolls out that T word on a phone call, the tour, I go, it's like he's taking...

I'm a little envelope and slicing me between the fingers. And then he's leaving the room and getting bleach and salt like the Terrifier 2 and he's pouring it on the wound. We are going on the road to do Bon the Beautiful. We're doing Weekend Warriors, what we call it in our industry. You fly it on a Friday. Yeah. You go to your show on Saturday. You go home Sunday. A lovely duet. It's a one, two. It's a double. It's like a his and hers. It's like a bing bang. But that's it. Yeah.

They're duets. I don't want to say never because Goonies never say die. But like the other day I was on the phone with our managers. I said, I don't think you all hear me. I will never tour like I did last year ever again. I said the next time I go on tour, it will literally be the 20 dates tops. And I will be it will be the funeral tour and you will be airing my casket. 100%. Yeah. Open. I can't do that again. No, I fell apart last year. Oh, my God. Just like.

Contact with family, friends. Like I was delinquent on every type of tax paperwork, like things you need to be home to open mail, shit like that. Me getting checks that are expired that I have to cash and like shit like that, which is like never home.

Can't do that anymore. But if you want to see us, come see us because who knows? We could just stop. So anyway, this is like a one, two. It's going to be like refreshing, delightful spritzes, splashes. And horny. Very horny. Very, very horny. Very hot and very steamy. But it's not going to be a marathon of like...

It's not a marathon sprinkler system. It's just a splash. And you know, last year we toured a stage spectacular. And this year I want to set the expectation that these dates are us seated in chairs talking. Mama, we're rolling up dry and making you wet. Yeah. You know. Putting on wigs.

Kind of. Yeah. And sitting and talking and then leaving. And that's. There's no meet and greet. There's no lip syncing. No. It's actually not worth it. No, no, no, no, no. If people love the truth and we're going to give them the truth. Yeah. We're going to sit down and probably serve Hunty all the tea that the diva wants to do with her boots. And do it fiercely. And do it fiercely. I know that for me.

I'm going to be in the style of Pink, the singer, launching myself on a rubber band back and forth while the song So What plays. So you're going to be like, anyway, LA traffic. And I'm going to be like. First night, your fucking shoe hits me in the face. Then I go unconscious. We got a hit. I'm addicted to these videos of her.

She is like she's on the end of a piece of chewing gum and some faggot. It's just so funny. It's like, you know, I understand, of course, like pushing the boundaries of spectacle and like, how can you make this exciting? And like, I just understand like art in a theatrical environment is a very you make very different choices and stuff. This is like, how can we take this?

It's like every element of live something. It's a little bit like Saw. I'm like, is she okay? It's like, who is she trying to prove into whom in high school? Do you know what I mean? And just like that, Pink died.

You know? Yeah. Who has she proven this to? It seems like I have a, I have a really like, I think she has a amazing voice. She does have talent, but the way that she's, um, just the display, the execution feels, um, like she's comedic. It feels comedically try hard. It feels like Valerie cherishes, but do this. Yeah. She's like, okay, I wish Lana would do this.

Are you kidding? Lana is the antidote. Lana is the antidote. I wish Lana would do this. She was starting to... Blue jeans, white shirt. Shout it at the cannon. To New York. Honey. LA to New York. And she lands on one of those Velcro walls. Did you know there's a bungee cord that goes to New York? Did you know there's a bungee cord to Dumbo? I mean, like...

summertime woo like i mean it would just be no lana is pink uh pink's uh antidote you're a pink concert too much stimulation too much activity too much risk of death i keep seeing her doing that during this song which is a very almost the wiggles i hate style song yeah i hate it's a baby shark yeah it's like um it's music

It's Muzak. It's not my favorite Pink song. It's Muzak. Do you have a favorite Pink song? I don't because I loathe her music. That's a harsh word. I love Don't Let Me Get Me. She's not for me. Don't let me get me. I love Family Portrait. That song, Try. On season seven, one of the lip syncs we didn't use was Try. Is that, what is that? Gotta get up and try, try, try. Try what? Try getting shot out of a cannon? No, I don't know.

I don't know. Also, I don't like it when people sing songs explicitly about sobriety. Girl, just like use a metaphor. It's not about that. I think it's about, why do I feel so sober? Like she literally says like that. No, I think she's singing about like in relationships. I used to smoke crack and now I don't. Like she, that's her level. I think she was originally Christian music too, wasn't she? Most girls want a man with the bling bling. I just want a man with a ding ding. I just want real love. Yeah.

You don't know that at all. Oh yeah. She came out hard as blue Cantrell as Anastasia, literally like that vibe and then completely rebranded. Strange. I was in high school. I just spit like phlegm onto your car. I'm okay. Cause I kind of get it. I kind of know what's going on there. So wait, wait, wait, wait, no, we got to go back to pink because I saw a clip of her. You know what? This phenomenon of nasty.

I just like, I don't like to, I don't like when drag queens at shows put the mic in their mouth to like do sex, to do like oral sex jokes. I don't like that at all. Elvis did it once. That's all we needed. Um, when we talk about Miss Pink, we have to talk about the phenomenon of people right now. Everyone's like, stop giving, stop throwing stuff at artists. Stop giving artists weird things. I'm like, welcome.

to the fold because the shit that people say to us do to us throw at us last night I was DJing and someone threw a doll head at me the head of a doll

Like that's not a threat? That's tame. I would say like a dead dog's head would be like... That's what I'm saying. We're at meet and greet and someone brings you a preserved dead cat. A baby gives birth at the meet and greet and shoves the... And gives you the baby. Congratulations, you're a mother now. We get all these little pop... I mean, granted, poor... I think Bebe Rexha should get hit in the face with an iPhone. I hate that. Horrible. Also, the stage is...

The stage is a sacred kind of like safe space for the artists and their entourage, their band. You are allowed to watch. You have to purchase the ability to be a spectator.

You're not involved. But that's where your participation ends. You're not involved. The guy who threw the phone at Bebe Rexha said in an interview, he did it because I thought it would be funny. Which I love that he didn't try to like, it slipped out of my hand. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, some- It slipped. If it's a guy in the front of a Bebe Rexha concert, it's a faggot. Yeah. And I expected that faggot to be like, I was just trying to get her to like, get me her Snapchat. He was like, I thought it'd be funny. At least he's being honest. By the way, there was no world where that was going to be funny. And also, what's the end game there? You lost your phone, dickhead.

Yeah. You know, maybe he thought she'd be like, Oh you and like throw her phone at him. And then I don't know the phone and call, like call his mom and then have a huge, I don't know. I don't know. I also don't like the name pink. Somebody gave pink. It was a clip of her where she's like,

Are these your mom's ashes? Someone threw her their mom's ashes at Pink? On the stage? Like in a bra? You know how they just throw bras and panties on stage? They wrapped it in the bra. It was lined with the ashes of their dead mom. Yeah. It was an urn of ashes. Imagine if you were knocked unconscious by somebody throwing an urn of their mother's ashes. Girl, I'm going to empty out one of my marijuana ashtrays into a pair of whitey tighties and shoot it out of a t-shirt gun.

right in the face. We're all going to start a fight and then launches and flips. So this is like Cirque du Soleil doesn't even do this because she performs in stadiums. Cirque is in a tent in the round, right? They do bungee stuff, all kinds of trapeze, whatever. She is on these fucking rigs that are rotating and flipping going from like football field distances to

Why? Why is that? How much does it cost a night at bed? Oh, my God. Okay, when we were on tour, your lift, which was straight up and down once. Straight up and down. It cost about $2,500 per show for us to do that. I remember because I was like... You were in the meeting and I'm like... Is it worth it? Okay. This is a stupid gag that's going to be very expensive. Also, a dedicated person traveling with us, that's his main responsibility. He did many other things, but like, you know... You're paying someone's...

Not just their salary, but their living costs for them to fly over. So that's just doing this. Of course, he was bored because he wants to do what Pink is doing. That's him jumping around backstage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And jerking off a little bit. But for that fly situation, that must be multiple people, multiple safety checks. It's also like it's all automated mechanical computer. You know what I mean? Girl, we were like pulleys in the tugboat system.

Like sandbags and like rick rack and you know, like, well, I remember they had to offset your weight. And I remember them wheeling an F one 50 into the venue every night. All those, um, those trucks that were on, um, uh, cedar blocks, they had to stack them. Everyone who was on the tour had like a giant, giant rope. And we were all like, and we're all breaking blood vessels in our eyes. So you could get this far off the ground. The Ottoman empire. Right.

Girl, yes. Elephants. No, the whole team is on like pelotons hooked up to a rope just trying to get you this far off the floor. And it was such a miracle that you got this far off the floor. People were crying. And then half of the tour was like, you got to stop eating dinner. You know what it reminded me of? The end of The Whale. When Brendan Fraser dies, he levitates off the ground. Oh my God. That's the ultimate dream of fat people, of course. Have you still not seen The Whale? I can't.

I've done enough self-harm. There's nothing funny about him being fat. There's nothing funny about fatness, right? No. But there's something really funny about the way that movie presents it.

Because at the end, he walks to his daughter. His daughter's like, whatever, fuck you. You're not a good dad to me anyway. Bag it. Sadie's thing. Sadie's like, whatever, bag it. My dad's a faggot. And the whole movie, he's like, just if you're going to please write, I want you to write something because he wants to read his daughter's writing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah.

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Any other gay guy, if you were a death story, you'd be like, we're going to fire Island, bitch. Yeah. You're going to, you're going to squirt G up my asshole with your mouth. A hundred percent. Yeah. Um, sky vodka tampon. Yes. If you can find it, I'm sorry. I'm so fat. The whale. Yeah. I, he, at the end is like, I've,

She's reading her letter to him or whatever and he like stands up and it's miraculous that he can stand cuz then death's door He's walking her and then he gets to her and he dies and they signify that by a light shining and his legs coming off The ground that's the end of the movie Darren Aronofsky I have your address and I will be paying you a visit but then I will be slapping you but then he got an Oscar for what I

Oh, Brendan Fraser? Yes. That whole farce? That's a whole farce. That's a whole farce. That's a Hollywood, classic Hollywood farce. I would more believe it if they said, you know what? Let's cut the shit. The whale wasn't that great. Cut the shit. But we should have given you something for the mummy. No. So let's roll out the mummy. What they should have did was like, this whale flop, we're going to forget about it except Miss Hong Chao because she eats in every roll. Every roll. We're going to give her a nice little round of applause and forget the whale ever happened. Yeah. Yeah. Moby Dick. Hong Chao.

eats eats eat a hot dog eating contest she would there's no there's like uncontested champion do you think she's fun i think she's fun i bet she's wonderful she can't not makes me fantasize about being her friend she can't not be if she yeah she's just so good in everything everything hong chow so i wanted to um sing a song okay okay i think i'm in love like beyonce b with jiga hold on

I love the way his magic stick makes my pussy quiver. Juices running like a river slowly down my kitty litter. Ooh, that magic stick. It tastes like candy. Is it the Beatles? Yeah. It's actually, what's her name? Aretha Franklin. Never heard that song, The Meltdown by Missy Elliott. Mary, speaking of The Meltdown. It's so, what?

We had an event at Trixie Motel the other day and it was the hottest day, hottest 4th of July in American record. I don't know if you saw that. No. It was? This year was the hottest 4th of July in America ever. Wasn't that hot? On record. Okay. I guess. In Palm Springs. Palm Springs. It was so hot. It was assaulting. No, I wasn't in drag. I was like hanging out, serving drinks, whatever. So hot. It was so hot. And then I'm putting on sunblock, sunblock, sunblock, but it's so hot that the sweat is making the sunblock go in my eyes. Oh.

Burning eyes. I kept having to go to the bathroom and wash my eyes like a washing station in chemistry. Now, who is doing all that? Why? Don't you stay indoors during the... Well, it's a pool party, right? So you jump in the pool. It's instantly refreshing. If you have a leg in the pool and a drink, you're good. But I didn't want to swim with the guests because it felt unprofessional. So...

But there was a drag show. And so there's also drag queens in like 100 degree heat. Soldiers of the underworld. And at the end, no matter what their number is, they all jump in the pool. Of course. Because they're like, na, na, na, na, na, na. It launched into the pool. When I did hot yoga in Boston, it was like, say, 100 people in a class. Like literally sardines, mat to mat to mat. You're sweating on everybody.

It's the room starts out 90. It gets to with the body heat, everything over a hundred 90 minute vinyasa class. By the time you get to backbending at the end, you are, I have switched bath towels switched. I've switched the towel because the first one could be rung out and like could feed a whole family of four, you know, a thirsty family. And then it's so, I would fantasize about like, I'd be like,

Would I'd sell all my organs to jump in a pool right now. Yeah, it was the most horrible feeling Did I tell you about Kim Petras his album party? Yeah, it's like that on this pod It was in a Bikram yoga studio I DJed Kim's Kim Petras is like album release party for the release the beast in New York The night after solving to go in a Bikram yoga studio. It was a warehouse 6,000 people probably I walked out there and I went oh no, this could be a problem. I

By the end of my set, which was 90 minutes, this thing about DJing, if you're hot, you're out there for hours. Yeah. The ends of my synthetic wig were dripping. I kept slipping on the floor going, did I spill the water? All sweat, sweat under me on the ground. Yeah. But I was also feeling it and I can't stop moving DJing no matter how hot it is. So I'm thrashing. My wig is spitting spit, like a wet sweat. It was so sick. And when I got in the, Kyle, my ex-boyfriend who works at Alcone in New York, he's a makeup artist. Yeah, yeah.

He saw me after the show and his face, he was like horrified. Did you ever try that? Stop the sweat product. I sent you and I said, Oh, I would have slapped him in the face right there. I would stop the sweat. Have you ever read the Holy Bible? I know. I felt like that is so moot. Like what are you talking about? Have you ever tried staring into the sun? It did make me think that I want to get Botox again because it does help with sweating. Not for me.

Literally nothing. Like I've had Botox everywhere. But they always say like, oh, no, I know why. I know why. Sorry. For the sweating, it's a deeper injection. Oh, really? Yes. So or it's either more superficial or deeper injection because when you're going in the sweat glands, it's different than the muscle. OK. So when you're paralyzing the muscle, it's maybe it's deeper than a superficial sweat gland.

Yeah. Laurie Ottinger explained that to me. Well, people have told me like, oh, be careful though, because the sweat happens somewhere else. So does everyone have like a dry face in a fucking swamp pussy? I would love that. Cause I just dipe it up. Dipe up. Cath up. Dipe, diped and cathed at the gig dry. Do you like jackass movies?

I don't know. I think I've only seen the first one. I remember this one where they had the big gentleman of the Jackass crew. I forget his name. They had him on a treadmill for like a long time and they had a saran wrap diaper on him and they had it hooked up to a hose so that the water could drip and they filled a cup with sweat and someone drank it. Like the sweat off his balls. Someone drank it and threw up. Steve-O drank it. How about her? That's yoga class.

- Yeah. - That's yoga class. When you're doing the- - Drag con. - Downward dog and the sweat is not dripping, streaming like a river runs through it into your nose, up into your nose. And you're like, work that magic stick.

it's horrible you know what else happened and i want to talk about this in a way that's hopefully revealing but not too exposing one of our colleagues called me the other day and had a contract from a certain touring company and was telling me some of the details on it like what do you think of this is this okay is this okay is this okay it was so deeply below what's okay yeah that i had to be like you it's just crazy how many people are in our industry of drag

who just profit off us and they just don't care. I will never forget when I changed agents and...

I became aware of how of certain of how low my negotiated fee was in the tour. I was finishing. You know what I mean? I like, so let's just say, um, I usually make $5 a gig and then I switched managers. We weren't going to say our real salaries. And then my new manager says, Oh, you have $5 a gig. I actually could get you 500. Yeah. And I'm like,

I'll just go to my $5 gig tonight knowing that I could have gotten 500 and there's nothing I can do about it. When I went to, when I moved to our management, I remember distinct conversation cause I was in the middle of a tour and I remember them looking at my contract and going, so don't want to discourage you, but you're getting about with the usual tact. What you should have get it should be getting. Yeah.

And you have to finish all those dates because you did sign it. I wish there was like a union or something because drag queens are not smart. Usually they're not business savvy. No. And these fucking these faggots with checkbooks walk around being like, just sign it. And then you sign shit that you shouldn't be signing. I've done it. And then these creature features are making major profits on our industry. I just want every manager, agent, everyone, every TV person.

Drag is its own world. Drag is dangerous. And unless you have a wig on your head, you are a guest in our house, bitch. And there is sweat on the floor that you will slip on. You'll break your hip and I will not take you to the emergency room. I will make you my sex slave downstairs and go boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

What's that? The Mandalorian? The Barbarian? Yes. The Mandelabarian? The Mandelabarian. No, it's crazy. I mean, it's shocking, but I get it because it was happened to me. I know. And you just don't know any better. Because there's no like- I wish everyone would call me because I don't know everything. But you know a lot. I feel like the only way for me to avenge certain mistakes I've made in the past with how little is getting paid is to make sure it doesn't happen to someone else. Yeah. That's Batman. You think? That's Superman, right?

That's crime fighting. If you were a superhero... Drag is dangerous. If you were a superhero, what would your childhood traumatic event be? Would it be that colonial woman? Pissed on in the schoolyard by everybody. Everybody pissed on me. Including the teachers. Including the teachers. I was fishing for something real. Work that magic stick. Like, imagine it... Work this pussy. Work this pussy.

She's an international sensation. Do you like getting peed on? I got peed on yesterday. You did? Okay. But it wasn't gross. I think I'm about to do that. It was in the shower. I think I'm about to do it. Yeah. It was like, he, I was like, he's got to go pee. I was like, so do I. I was like, you know what? You're not going to pee on me. And he, well, he peed and I got in the middle of it. I got in, I like got in the middle of the road. He was just trying to pee. Yeah, he was. And you were trying to make it about you. And I did. Oh,

By the way, the story is he was in the bathroom with the door locked, peeing in the toilet. I came through the... And you lowered it through the suspended ceiling. Mission impossible. Yes. Mouth open. You launched into it. So what? I feel like I'm a piss queen and I'm drinking. Yes. That's how pink started. What if it was pink? Yellow. I'd be yellow.

My stage name would just be yellow. Yellow. Fuck. Yeah, I think I want pee on me. I think I want to pee on others. It's fabulous, but you have to drink the water. You don't want to know yellow. You don't know golden shower. You want that clear. Clear, no fear. No, I want it to be like smart water when it comes out. You want dehydrated orange? High electrolytes. Just a couple of drops that dissolve and expand. No, smart water. Oh. You're thinking of like flavor. I'm taking the bottle of cliff water.

Smart water with electrolytes. Oh, smart water. I'm thinking like the vitamin water. Mary. I was thinking purple. You want me to piss? Dragonberry, yeah. Oh, that could be fierce. The orange one is good. I mean, they're all good, but not out of the dick hole. When I'm hungover, orange Gatorade. It hits different. Something about orange Gatorade. The citrusy one. Nectar of the gods. The only thing Florida ever produced of value. Orange.

Well, now we got to wrap it up. Now that we talked about pissing on dick, pissing purple at the dick hole. If I pee, if I pee or get peed on, I'm going to tell you about it. Oh, I hope you do. But I need you to do it. Like not on the rug side. I don't want to do it in the shower. I want it to trickle down my body and hit the ground, bitch. I don't want to do the fucking. You want to trickle down economics and outside on the face, run down the body everywhere. Oh my God. I've been pissed on in the face and in the mouth.

Yeah, I want to do all that. But I don't want to be like, anyway, then we just rinse down at the bathtub because we're cool. You want to be like, we had to change the bassinet, move the bassinet. I want to do the CVS in Hollywood, honey. I have fantasies about peeing the bed. Like, let it rip. There is part of your brain that's like, what if I just... Because it's a bad, like, this would be so bad and terrible. It would involve guilty cleanup. How do you get pissed out of a Casper mattress? You don't. That's the whole point. That's the problem. The pee's in there forever. Mama, that's pee.

I would like to take back something that I said on this podcast. I talked about douching and I said, who's douching longer than five minutes? Yeah. And the internet came at you and with good reason. Yeah. I think that I underestimated how long everybody's body's different. I think I also take longer than five minutes, but I mentally thought it was shorter. Sure. Cause you're probably more efficient at it. You're not in there laboring for hours. Multitasking. Yeah. Turbo tax with that enema ball, but my ass.

Let me crunch those numbers, baby. Hold on. Bye. Bye. What kind of fart noise at the end of the pod, you fucking ball bitch? You did the most juvenile way to like... I hate that. I hate that. Blow an ass.

Blowing ass. Blowing ass. Blowing ass is the funniest thing in the fucking world. I'm on Ozempic. Blowing ass. She was out there on Hollywood Boulevard blowing ass in the lobby of the Director's Guild building blowing ass. Blowing ass. Fuck. At the Oscars red carpet blowing ass. At the Men in Music Business Conference blowing ass. And the bridge under Ocean Boulevard. What if Pink blows ass up on that? No, no, no, no, no, no. And the shit just spirals. And the audience blows ass. They're going to start a fight.

We're all gonna start a fight But you know what though The pink audience is like You know Geriatric millennials They're not even noticed They're just happy to be involved They're just happy to be out Yeah for a night They're you know They're a jug deep on Carl Rossi Carl Rossi Oh yeah Carl Rossi sangria Yeah Yeah She's still a rock star They have to sit her till 11 They're like shit on me She is the Jimmy Buffett Of female singers Mmm

Anyways, love her. Good job. Okay, bye. Bye.