Live in Chicago from the Historic Auditorium Theatre with Trixie and Katya
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Silence, heathens! The time has come to cease your incessant prattling and welcome to the stage the dynamically bald duo of drag divas who need no introduction yet to have nevertheless demanded a very long and great tour as one.

Tonight, we celebrate the full depth and breadth of these enigmatic enchantresses, wrapped in enigmas and unceremoniously shoved into only the most de rigueur haute couture, floating nightlies from the back alleys of Paris, Texas. The New York Times has described these two bald gay f***s as, and I quote, a foreboding portent that the apocalypse is not only near, but already upon us. Isn't it?

In this gorgeous stately... Insert theater name here. In the picturesque city of... Insert city name here. We present to you a veritable feast of audio-visual delights that is sure to transform even the most aggressively hirsute and unapologetically homely of you into utterly bald, totally beautiful.

We implore you to maintain the utmost respect for your fellow audience members, so please kindly refrain from feeling up on each other's legs. And now, the dementia-ridden story retellers, the faux perimenopausal HVAC connoisseurs, the original skinny legend and Slavic siren, ladies and gentle-thems, please welcome to the stage the bald and the beautiful live with Trixie the Tess!

The turnout tonight to watch us sit and talk is actually shocking. And I am, and it's exciting because you came here, which means a lot, but because there's so many of you I know, you don't get out much. No. No.

And you thought coming to see us was worth it, and I bless you for that. Thank you so much. I have to say, though, I am very nervous, and my legs are so itchy tonight. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Ow. Ooh, I'm so nervous. Oh, my God. Oh, my dress is so short, and my legs are so itchy. I'm actually scared of my weasel coming out here. Well, thank you all so very much for attending another lovely live recording of The Bald and the Beautiful. The Bald. Thank you so much. The Bald.

My God, I'm so nervous I forgot about my gum because my breath was kicking hammer time backstage, honey. It was hammer time in the breath. It was buzzered off a shit wagon type of breath, bitch. It was having brushed in three weeks, honey. It was giving plaque. It was giving drugs. It was giving wow. It was giving yikes. It was giving breaths. I do think...

I do think on tour that you're, on tour, I will say for oral hygiene, a tour bus is the beach from old. Yes. Thank you. Because. Thank you. Thank you. If I'm in the back of the, if I'm in my little bus, my little bed, and I'm like, oh, I got to get up and go floss in a bathroom this big and the mouth, and like. I always sit my head on the thing. So like, if you've ever, has anybody ever gone to the bathroom on a moving vehicle, in a moving vehicle? No, seriously. Every single person raises their hand. See,

See a lot of homeless up front. Okay. Yes. And it is challenging. But when you add a water pick to the scenario and then a fucking dental scraper, which I own. Thank you. Uh-huh. Thank you. Have a retainer. You're welcome. Yeah. Um.

You can imagine the kind of hilarity that ensues on a moving vehicle late at night. I know. You have like a cobbler's bench of tools. You know what, though? It's a lot of work, but look at those teeth, folks. It's worth it. Okay, you put the time in.

You hit the crack pipe for 12 years. Thank you. She looks great. Thank you. I gotta tell you, last night we were in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. Sloshkosh. Sloshkosh. Our merch folks said that it was the drunkest people they've ever seen. Ever.

They've gone on tour with Lady Gargar. Yeah, yeah. We've gone to Europe. If you drink more than people in the UK, you're shutting it down. You know what I mean? Slosh kosh. And I love Wisconsin. I was watching those people stumble in at 7 p.m. I couldn't help but feel proud. I was like, you know what? If I'm going to own a bar, let it be in this state, bitch, because...

These people, it's like oxygen. They're like... I know. It's pretty... And also, it makes your current journey, I don't mean to gas you up or whatever, but all the more impressive that Miss hasn't had a drink since, what, 35 days or something? Oh, my God!

I know. She's not collecting chips down at the local rec center, if you know what I mean, but she is doing it for her health reasons, and I think she's, her skin has never looked more glowing, am I right? Look at that, I mean, come on. She doesn't have a problem, she doesn't have a problem, she can start again if she wants to, of course. Yes, yes, don't worry, I don't have a suntan, I just bought the wrong color tights. And then I had to paint my upper body a whole new color to match. Yes.

What do you call that? Grape or aubergine? It's sort of a, it's a deck chair. Yeah. It's a lovely deck chair. Sherwin-Williams interior semi-gloss. Yes. Well, I am in my tanning phase and it's interesting because I couldn't help but wonder, I'm in my tanning phase at the same age that you were. Thank you. When you were in your tanning phase. Yeah. So maybe at 33, 34, you look in the mirror and you go, well. Yeah. I guess rolling myself in peanut butter is better. Yeah.

Well, as someone at the meet and greet said, from Capricorn to Virgo. They said that somebody at the meet and greet went, I got to tell you, from Capricorn to Virgo. And I said, all right, here we go. Nothing nice starts that way. Nothing good. Nothing good comes from that premise, honey. Also received a cat abortion in a bottle.

Yeah. It's true. Somebody came up. It's true. Somebody, now you don't have to identify yourselves, but somebody came up and they gave her a cat abortion. A cat fetus in a bottle. Yeah. And her $65 in cash. And I got $65 in cash. Yeah. I felt like I was on Pawn Stars or something. Like, how much would you pay for the cat baby? I'm like, I'll take the cash and run. I'm going to go. Lovely.

So we're in Oshkosh last night. We had to miss our show in Minneapolis because of the snow. Yeah. I know. It was horrible. And they say cancel culture is not real. Yeah.

They say cancel culture is not real. Yeah, canceling shows, how about that? How about that? Snow is the original cancel culture. Thank you. Take that, Lydia Tarr. So we're in Oshkosh, and it's a basketball room. What is it called? An arena. Yeah, it's a basketball arena. It's a basketball room. A basketball room. Honey, it's a basketball room. A basketball room. It's a basketball room. Yeah. The hoops. Hoops. I've seen High School Musical. We get it. Okay.

And we're there and my friends from college come and they're backstage and they go, "The show, okay, what do you do tomorrow?" I said, "We're going to Chicago to do 'The Bald and the Beautiful' live." And she goes, "Oh, is that like a whole other show with other skits?" And I said, "No." There's not like a plot or like,

or videos or really anything like that. There's not a light package. She goes, so people just watch you sit and talk. And I said, yeah. She goes, that's a rub. A rub. She goes, that's a rub. That's a rub. She goes, you are taking them for a ride. Love wins. Love wins. Love wins.

You know, we've been talking about all this woke. I'm sorry. All this drag banning. You guys. Do you know about all this? We have to talk about it. Mama, we have to talk. The authorities could walk up in here and come up on this stage and untuck my penises.

I mean, it'll take a little longer than that. They have to get out the tweezers. Yeah, the tweezers, the microscope. You know? Was they going to set up a whole lab up here? Yeah. The electron telescope. Oh, my God. Give me a little Twilight anesthesia. I know. A little Twilight anesthesia. Yeah. But it's... How do you criminalize drag? Especially... If you're born naked and the rest is drag... Thank you. How do you criminalize it? That's right.

Thank you. All this woke. The second you put that diaper in a baby, the second you put that baby in a diaper, the second you put that baby in a diaper, it is a drag queen. Okay. Yes. Yes. Yeah. You know, the older I get, when RuPaul used to say that, when I first, like, you know, was exposed to that at what, 20? Groomed. Let's say groomed. I was groomed. Yeah.

When you're groomed. Listen, at that stage of my drag career, I could use some grooming. You know what I mean? I could use a scrub, perhaps a shave of the back, something. How are you going to accuse these like bow-legged freaks as groomers when they can't even brush their own hair? That is the gag is like, I've worked with drag queens for 15 years. So I can tell you, these whores, these uneducated whores, they can't even put their music on a flash drive. Yeah.

They can't glue a wig on. They're not playing the long game. No, no, no, no, no. Drag queens aren't meeting up after the show and sitting around like a Dungeons and Dragons table of the US like risk. They're not like, so I say we take Tennessee and move up for it. Like,

That's not happening. It's not. The fact that conservatives give us that much credit, I'm like... It's pretty weird. Okay, so you really don't know about drag queens because we are self-centered assholes. Yeah. We don't even have enough time for our own mental health, never mind that of a child. Girl, I'm going to tell you how a drag queen would really react. I want you to pitch me the idea of grooming the youth of America. Okay, yeah. So, hi, my name is Marjorie Taylor Greene. And, um...

And I am appearing on the Senate floor or the Congress, whatever the hell you call it, to propose that we make drag queens illegal because they are marching into libraries and grooming our children and turning them into cross-dressing, satanic, worshiping pedophiles. And then they call a drag queen and they go, is this true? And the drag queen goes, no, that sounds hard.

Sounds time consuming and difficult and kind of expensive. Yeah. Can I burn that on a CD? Yeah. No kidding. No. No, it's just, it's crazy to me that they're like, we know what you're up to. And I'm like, up to what? Up to what, honey? I'm in the back of the bus deciding whether or not I'm going to floss tonight. Hello. I've got a water pick squirting straight up my nose.

It's three in the morning and I don't know what my name is anymore. Yeah, it's crazy. It's so wild. I mean, I always thought the longer we did drag, the more it would be like, I thought we were on the road to Corny Collins. I thought we were on the road to like, oh, you like drag? Oh, cool. So does everyone. You know what I mean? Because so many people like it now. So for it to be, for our, if we do this show in Tennessee next year, we might get in trouble, which is, fuck,

fucking crazy. I know, but it's kind of cool. You know what? It is. It's kind of cool. It's like, it's going full circle. 100%. At the beginning, we were totally unfuckable monsters and mama, we're coming right back around the bend. And you know what it is too? It's fierce because if drag really didn't heal the world at all, the, the,

The conservatives wouldn't care, but because it's working, we need to put a stop to this. But you know what, though? If you take the strippers out of the strip club, your son's still going to be jerking off to videos of strippers. Like, I'm still on the internet. That's true. How are you going to take drag off the internet? All of you are here because you watch us on the internet. That's true. That's true. You got one tab of sniffies, one tab of Pornhub, and then it's us. Yep. It's us. Yep.

Then you're marching into Groomingdale's and you're going to the discount section. Groomingdale's. Grooming. Grooming. Where does that word come from? Where did that word come from? Well, it comes from, so if anybody knows a youth pastor, youth pastors are really famous. They actually, it's really, they kind of were born in the game in this one. They pastored the youth.

And then they groom them. And as soon as they're like of legal age, they marry them. Oh, like the 18-year-old brides where they're like, I was her pastor since she was young. That's grooming. Yeah. That's grooming. So anyways, let's talk about Madonna for a second. I just have to say I'm 40 years old. I'm 40 years old. And I just need, thank you. I got to say, for all you Generation Zs out there, Madonna. You think she's here? Okay. No.

Madonna. Madge is here. Yep. Hello. She's like, hello. Hello. Madonna has had half of her life at least easily been the most famous woman in the world. Okay. Madonna. Right. Madonna. Madonna is right. Yeah. Celine. I don't know her. Who's that? It's about Madonna. So at least half of her life, probably more. She's been the most famous woman in the world to expect that this woman would age to

in a way that is in any way normal.

is the most laughable projection you could ever propose to someone. I don't care if she's shoving Fix-a-Flat in her cheeks or squirting baby's blood in her eyeballs. We're gonna shut the fuck up about Madonna and her crazy face. Yes, let her live. Let her live. Musical choices aside, stealing from black people aside, we're not talking about that. We're talking about her fucking crazy face

She's a woman on the verge of something special. You know what, though? Girl. You know what, though? Her tether, facial pump-wise, her tether is like 21-year-old Hollywood. Because now these younger people are so pumped in ways that we've not seen that level of pump that young age. Mary, when these people's cheekbones hit the floor, that's the big one we've been waiting for. Yeah. Yeah.

Mama, Dr. Buckle Fat is out there. Girl, his... You know what? I want to get my buckle fat removed and then I want to walk in like when Oprah had that bag of when she showed how much weight she lost. I want to have my buckle fat in like a wicker basket like whoo! And I want to drop it like poof! It just shit flies up everywhere. You know, here's a fun hack for all those people concerned about their buckle hat. Just twirl the pookie for three weeks and you'll get that lovely snatched look. Thank you. Yeah.

Or, you know, pull back on the drink. Listen, if you want to lose weight quickly, just stop having wine every night. It's incredible. It's incredible what the human body responds to. Now,

In addition to being world-class entertainers, excellent groomers, we're also health and wellness experts. Absolutely. And even though I have taken a break from drinking for completely vanity, I would like you to treat me like a hardcore addict who's somehow making it happen. I want that level of praise. So thank you so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Thank you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's so brave. It's so brave. You wouldn't understand what I've been through. No, I couldn't possibly. It's so brave. Thank you. But I love drinking. I love it. Thank you.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. What do you miss about drinking the most? The fun. What? It's just fun. You get this fancy drink. It's like a thing to do. You get a little woo. Your friends get woo. And then you're all like woo. You know? It's a whole thing. I love it. It's fun. Well, I wish they would make more songs about it. You know? Like I feel like...

I feel like there's like a really large sort of dearth of, in the music, you know, the grand music catalog about going to the club and, you know, hearing your favorite song. There is a lot of song. You know, like when you hear that song and you ask the DJ to turn it up real loud and you're, I don't know, like you're out with your friends and you're having a few drinks and you're getting wild. I wish they would make a song about that. You know, there's a lot of songs about that. That's where that joke was going. No, I understand. We all, thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm very aware of that because when I started DJing, I went, wow, this encourages people to walk up and ask what music should be played. Oh, Lord. Which I wouldn't recommend because it leads you down a dark, long road of waiting for your song to play. Mary, that song's not coming.

No. That DJ said yes, so you will go away. That song's not coming. He's like, next song. Three hours later. Girl, I got you next. Yeah, yeah. Now, as the DJ, let's say an entrepreneur, businesswoman, and now DJ, do you... Oh, yeah, come see me tonight at Beauty Bar. Beauty Bar. I'm playing Beauty Bar tonight. Disco night. Disco night. Now, I personally would never, ever deign to dare to ask the DJ or to even approach the DJ with a song request because it's probably going to be from Ukraine in 2010. And, um...

And it's going to be unknown and it's probably going to clear the dance floor. But how do you feel that, like, I mean, I can only imagine the throngs of impassioned teenagers forcing their way to the DJ booth with their phones up, you know, playing, please play Miley, Mr. DJ, or whatever. I do this thing where I think this is a really good way of, like, mediating that. I look at what they said they wanted to play. I take a beat and I go, nope. Nope.

I would, but I won't. Yeah. You know, that's what's standing between me and doing it is that I'm not going to do it. Right. You don't walk into Julia Child's kitchen and then just plop a chicken head on the counter. Totally. You know what I mean? She knows what she's doing. She's so tall. Thank you. Completely. So tall. And you know what? You have earbuds. Normalize putting in your earbuds at the club and having your own music. Mama.

Talk about it. Silent witness. I have done that at bars where I don't like the music and I just put in headphones. I know that's insane, but... That is insane. But I'm there for the drinking, okay? I'm not there for the music. Yeah. Now, how many drinks is too many drinks? I know it depends on BMI and if you have glasses or not, but, like, how many drinks for you is too drink? How many drinks for you is too many drinks? The limit does not exist, baby. No, I mean, I don't drive, so, like, what's gonna happen to me? Do you know what I mean?

I don't know. But no, you cut yourself off because you're like, oh, I have to work early. Or I have to, like, that's, I drink around life. I don't let my drinking be my life moment. Okay, okay, that's the difference between me and you. So I'm like, you're grabbing two glasses of wine because I have to be in a wig at Netflix at nine in the morning. You know, like, we temper it. You're really doing responsibility. Yeah. That's wild. I know. That's wild. See, I, that, my cycles sync up, like,

By chance only. You know what I mean? Oh, and then you're like... It's just like... I'm like, God, you're here early. And you're like, I thought the start time was two hours ago. Yeah, yeah. I've been here for three weeks. I just stayed. I never went home. I just stayed. Yeah, I just stayed. I didn't know what to do. I never went home. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Okay. Segway. No segway. But I have to say...

So if you are an introvert, okay? I have been an introvert probably my whole life before Drag Race. - Somebody wooed. If you were an introvert, you would not have spoken up. - You would not have spoken up. You would not have said nothing. - That was a fake woo. That was a fake woo. Lot of fake bitches in here tonight.

If you have introverted tendencies, you might be familiar with this concept of an inner voice or like you talk to each other. You talk to yourself. Okay. I have talked to myself for many, many, many, many years. Y'all need to buckle up. Something happened. Something happened the other night that was truly chilling. Before this story starts, I want you to know that I go on stage every night and trust this person with my life.

And this is what this person does. All right. We were in San Antonio, Texas, and I was enjoying a shower. And now they had one of those hoses in, what do you call that? Like it's the, you know, you have the thing that comes from the sky, the shower wand, the shower wand. And they had several different mechanisms.

One from the sky, and then they have the wand. Uh-huh. At home, I have three that come out of the wall. It's wild. Well, it's not the sky. It's the ceiling. It's not God throwing down the garden hose, Mary. God? God. So, I was like, and you can do, I didn't know, sometimes you can do both at the same time. You can do both of them. And so, I had the wand in my right hand. Uh-huh. I had a slippery left hand of soapy gel. You know what I mean? Uh-huh. And I was soaping. Mm-hmm. And...

I hit the vape a little bit ago. You know what I mean? I hit the vape. I hit the vape pen a little bit. Nothing too crazy. And I got the fucking, I got the fucking wand underneath my cojones, my balls. Yeah. And if you've ever looked at, if you've ever looked up at the shower, it's like, it's like looking up at the rain except reverse. Like the,

The rain is coming from underneath. Uh-huh. And it stops like six inches from your eyes. And I started to get huge boner. And I was like for a moment. Huge for her. Yeah. Huge for her. Four to five inches max. And I had this genuine, sincere moment of awe and wonder. And I said, oh, wow. But that's...

as clear as day and in the most shrill, uncomfortable voice, I hear her say, "This is like the part in the movie when the grandpa dies." You know what though? You know what though? You inter-- It was-- You interrupted an inner moment of like true-- You guys know that I'm going through my psychic phase? - Yes. Yeah. - You know.

I was in the shower different time thinking about this person. And so I think I made that happen. And then on top of that, yesterday we had a long discussion about the age and lifespan of Sherry Vine. Do you guys know who Sherry Vine is? Sherry Vine. Yeah. She wasn't on Drag Race. You guys wouldn't know. Um,

She could never. No, she is, I don't want to say, but she's a woman of a certain age. She's like, with Madonna, let's say. Yes. And we talked about it all yesterday about her age. Guess whose fucking birthday it was today? Sherry fucking Vine. Yeah. Now I ask you again, is it psychic or do I have memory? Yeah. Yeah.

But if you listen to this podcast, you know that we don't have memories. We don't have any memories. I was truly taken aback. And I almost like... I think it's like, you know, it's like goldfish brain or something. It's like you forget in order that you can remember. Or no. No, that doesn't make any sense. But...

I think that sometimes with trauma... Trauma. I think sometimes, you know, when a squid is threatened, they squirt out the ink, a cloud that just occludes. Oh, yeah. And I think with trauma, your brain can just occlude. Wipes the slate clean. 100%. And so I think we're always... In a way, it's a gift. Yeah. It's actually... I was... The last episode, I was like, it's fun and games when we repeat ourselves, but it does need to stop. It does. Because we have led...

Some of us, long lives. We got to have more in us than the time we got movers. I know, I know, I know. Because there's got to be something. I have fucked my way across this country 50 times. Can we not talk about something? I know. And it was like, I really, I sincerely dread this moment

this thing that happens with people who are like celebs, like when, you know, like when writers who only publish stories about their life then start living for the writing. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like when you can tell when a writer is like, they're doing research for a book of essays and it's like, ooh, I don't like that. I don't like that.

How to lose a guy in 10 days. She's like, I'm going to fuck up this guy's life and write about it. That's like what that movie is. Oh, I hate that. Yeah. Fuck Kate Hudson. Yeah, fuck her. Fuck that bitch. No, but I hate that. So I was like, oh shit, I really need new stories to tell, but I don't want to live my life to tell a story. Do you know what I mean? I think that's really phony and rotten. Well, and now it's like, also, we used to be able to get away with talking explicitly about celebrities, and now you little fags, when we talk about someone, you'll be like, absolutely.

at Noah Cyrus, step up to the mic. I'm like, let us talk shit about people on our own. I know. We're gay. We talk about people behind their backs. We don't need them involved. I know. And you know when someone's like...

Fuck Trixie. And then somebody will be like, at Trixie. I'm like, why are we letting me in? I don't need to know this. Yeah. I've had people on Grindr be like, what do you do for a living? And then I see them at the meet and greet. I'm like, so what is the truth, Ellen? What is the truth? Like, what is this game now? Yeah. Dungeons and Dragons, bitch. You know what my favorite is? Dungeons and Dragons. It all comes back to Grindr. My favorite thing is, what are you looking for? My car keys, bitch. What do you think? Like, what are...

S-E-X. What are you looking for? Meaning. Like, what are you talking about? Sucking dick and cock. That's what we're looking for. A new story to tell on the pod. That's what I'm looking for. What are you looking for? Gay sex on the internet. Next. Like, what else? I have a question for the culture. Like, when Adele Ray had it a little while ago. Is it okay...

Is it something that happens? Is it a thing that exists when you are on Grindr or any similar sexual hookup app to look only for cuddling? Is that a thing? Or does it mean that I'm lonely? There are people here who do that who are like, ha ha ha, that's weird. Oh God, that's so pathetic.

No, seriously. Their friend puts their arm around them. Don't touch me. Well, no, because I mean, I have to like constantly reality check myself because the circle that I find myself in back home is a strange one, I would say. But of your own making. Like double fisting, a lot of prolapse.

a lot of like heavy, hard, XXX kind of like... And available online. Extreme sexual people. Right. And I'm just at brunch with them. Like, you know, we're just the girls at brunch. So I forget... It's a table of all Samantha's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Samantha on steroids, you know? Literally on steroids. Literally on steroids. Everybody's on steroids.

Everybody's on a cycle, everybody's doing fisting porn, everybody's crazy. And so like, I'm like, am I nuts? Like if I just want to like kiss, if I'm just Amanda kiss and hug? If I'm just Amanda kiss and hug, is that crazy? Is it horrible? My legs are so itchy, I wonder. I just want Amanda kiss and hug. My favorite is, would you just want to hang out? I said, Mary, Mary.

Mary, do I just want to hang out? Are we going to go to the museum? What are we doing? A meet cute? Yeah, no, mama. No, I don't want to hang out. I don't want to hang out with my friends. Thank you. I was actually rebuffed in an unforgettable way by a person when I tried to friend zone them. And they said, honey, my life is a perfectly cast musical. The chorus is cast. Where's the leading man? And I was like, wait, you said that? No, he said that. Oh.

I was like, do you want to just be friends or whatever? He was like, nope. And I was like, now though, I appreciate that sort of directness. But that was very faggy to say like that. My life is a musical. The chorus is cast. Where's the leading man? Well, there's a lot of problems there. Number one, your life is actually not a musical. Not a musical, so stop singing, bitch. And based on that first statement...

I don't think that cast is as rock solid as you think. They're not union. Mama, they're not union. Mama, they're not union. That's children's theater. They're in other auditions. You know what I mean? It's like our tour, our dance. You guys have seen our tour, anybody? Yeah.

Our tour, we have six more shows. Our dancers are gorgeous. You better believe they're going to walk out of this tour flawless because they will go back to auditions and stuff. And they will be white-outing this from their resume. Oh, 100%. They're going to say it was, I don't know, five to nine, the musical. I don't know. Anything. Anything. Dancing on the opera. Connie and Carla live. The phantoms of the opera. The phantoms of the hip-hopera. They're going to be like, yeah, for a few years I toured with a bunch of carnies who were living off the grid.

All things considered, though, it is a pretty fun gig. Life on the road, let me tell you, though, not for the faint of heart. I know we might seem like out-of-touch boomers, or at least me, but baby boomers...

Baby filter boomers. But it's hard. And it's not, I mean, champagne wishes and caviar dreams. You don't want to hear people crow about their rich lives, but it is hard. It's hard. It's a lot of wear and tear on my legs. Tough. It's a lot. And you know, they only got a few, what, weeks left in them? Well, I had to get a giant shot, cortisone shot. Oh my God, Wade Haught, I didn't tell you. New information! New information! New information! New information!

I don't even care if it's interesting. It's just new. Okay. So I go to the orthopedic surgeon and to go get a cortisone, to get my biannual cortisone shot, which is a needle about this big that is a ultrasound guided injection. So they put the jelly on you, right? And then they do the ultrasound like I'm Prego. And they tell you if your hip is a boy or a girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they guide the fucking needle, and I'm not joking, it's that long, into the ejection site, which is in the hip joint from the front, in between the ball and the socket. It's fucking brutal. But, so the nurse put me in the room and said, okay, so you're going to take off all your clothes, including your underwear. I'm so ashamed to admit that I immediately got hard. Yeah.

And I had confused doctors because I thought I was at this other hospital. It was so early in the morning. And I thought there was an ugly doctor, but it turns out it was a really hot doctor. Well, doctor porn is hot. Doctor porn is hot. I know that's horrible. Some of you doctors who are here, you're probably like, what the fuck? Like, that's not hot. Fucking rumor pervert. There's delivery driver porn. I was a delivery driver. It was never hot.

It was never hot. The one thing about being a delivery driver, though, is when you give them their food, they're happy. Mama. They're not boner happy, but like... Well, well, when I ordered noodles and company upon your suggestion... We're gonna talk about noodles! Listen, I believe and I subscribe fully to the church of overtipping. I don't care what your tax bracket is. Yes. You must...

You must over tip or you don't order. You don't order if you can't over tip. That's just my philosophy. However, I have clung to it. I have like forever. When I was broke ass bitch, always over tip. Anyways, so the delivery driver comes with the noodles and company. And on the app, the name was Sarah. Lovely, whatever. But this was not a Sarah. This was somebody else. It was Julio. It was Julio. Julio.

Down by the schoolyard. And I would have, long story short, I would have gobbled up his penis ball and testy. Uh-huh. Well, no, I got to tell you a noodles-related story. Okay. We were on a call the other day with our agent, Michael Grinspan, who is not here. And I think I'm just going to talk about him. So he's probably not going to listen to this. And if he does, you know YOLO. Whatever. Whatever.

We're on this call, and by the way, we're scheduling out Bald and the Beautifuls for all over the world in the future, right? So we can do live pods in different markets and have fun. But don't worry, we're still going to do ones at home in our quality studio. Oh, yes. Which may or may not have been my old bedroom. So Michael, we're on the call. He goes, yeah, so, you know, when you get to some of these cities, just like a, you're going to want to maybe do like local references, you know, current events. We're on this call, like local references. Yeah.

And current. Does he think we're doing the fucking weather bitch? Do you think I'm going to get to Branson and turn on the local news so I have something to talk about at the show? No, I'm going to tell my dentist story for the 12th time. Yeah, yeah. St. Louis. How about that arch? How about that arch? Oh, it goes like that. Local reference. He goes, you might want, by the way, good advice, but just so crazy and obvious. Like, yeah, Michael, we're going to talk about what happens that day. Probably. We all get on this call and, uh,

Michael goes, so you're in Milwaukee. He doesn't have an accent like that. I don't know what that was. Sorry. I'm just adding color. So he goes, so you're in Milwaukee. You guys have any beer and cheese curds? You know, light conversation. And I go, no, I'm having noodles and company. It's one of my favorite restaurants. Kati's assistant, Eden, goes, oh, noodles is fierce. It's so good. And I'm like, yeah, I love it. He goes, what do you get there? I said, well, normally I get the penne rosa, but recently they have linguine, which is less carbohydrates. And I got a salad. They have

A fake chicken and Eden goes, "Oh my God, you can eat your way around the world." And Michael goes, "I like to get..." This person cuts in and goes, "Can we stop talking about noodles and talk about what we're supposed to talk about on this call?" It was absolute. It came down like a machete.

And we all recoiled and Michael was like, "Alright, so the deal I have for you guys is..." I was in the gym with my forehead veins bulging, my teeny little shorts, my giant headphones, and I was like, "Alright, enough noodles! Let's talk business, bitch!" I was like, "What was this talking about noodles?" But then I, of course, I apologized later because that was extremely rude of me. I love noodles and company. Well, and then, yeah.

Then cut to about not even 24 hours later when I went on the app and ordered noodles and company and it was one of the best meals I've ever had in my life. It's amazing. My dream would be to be in one of those commercials where I go to a fake restaurant and I go, so what do you think of this fancy Italian food? And they go, oh, we like it, whatever. And then I go, well, it's actually from noodles and company. Like that would be, oh, and then they're shocked and they're like, I love it. And I'm like, I know, right? And then that's the commercial.

So thank you. I work in TV, so I have a lot of ideas. I'm in the doctor's office. And so the nurse tells me to take off all of, see, I'm coming back. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. The new information. I'm coming back. I'm coming back. And he tells me to take off. And I was always been confused about like, what do you do? Like, what do you do with the doctors? Like you go for physical. Do you get totally nude?

Anybody here a doctor? Yes, I know there's a doctor, an endocrinologist in fact here, but he probably can't answer this question. Is it appropriate to just get nude immediately? Well, okay. Everyone around the doctor yelled, yeah, this isn't you. This is the doctor's moment. So the point is, there was a long 20-year gap where I didn't go to the doctor. Okay? Uh-huh. Where I didn't go to the doctor at all. Probably from my pediatrician up until about 27. Okay.

From seven to 27. Last time you saw a doctor was the day you were born, bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slapped you in the ass and you never saw him again. But so I was like, well, if they're going to check out your whole body, you should probably get totally naked, right? And so anyways, I was, I just didn't know. I didn't know, okay? But they gave me this, a johnny, which is a dressing gown. It's called a johnny? I think so. Were you, what kind of...

Is that racist? What kind of backwoods doctor? Get in here and put on the johnny. A johnny. A nightie. Whatever. A nightgown. A nightgown. And they give you hot tea. And then a nightgown. Like Agent P. You go to the doctor and they give you a silk brassiere. What do you call that? Wait, wait. What do you call the thing that you put over your naked body during a physical? Like a medical. A medical robe? I don't think so.

Apron? Not that. It's a medical gown. A medical gown? Oh, it's a gown. Gorgeous gown. It's gowns. It's gowns. It's about pounds. Whatever. You didn't know what it was because you're not the type of girl to wear a gown. Because you're not that type of girl because I don't know what glamour is. Honey, one time we threw a tarp over you and told you it was a gown. We just want to see you anymore. Wait, wait. So listen. So listen. So...

Long story short, I take off all, well, so I took off my clothes, including my panties, which for me is very erotic in public. So no shirt on. I don't get, I don't take off. I'm not often found in public without panties.

So that to me is an erotic charge. We're trying to tell people that drag queens aren't sex offenders. And you're like, sometimes I'm found. I wasn't grooming. I was the one being penetrated here. Yeah. But let me finish the story. Sorry, I'm a little hoarse. My singing voice is singing a lot of singing on the road. And so...

I had my... He told me to... He told me to... to take off my panties and to put the thing on with the opening in the back and then to lie face up. But I was confused. So I thought it would be great because I have a really sweaty ass. So I lied on my side with my butt hanging out and the dressing gown or Johnny...

perfectly symmetrical up the side of my body. So the whole underside of my body was exposed to the cool medical air. What was the temp in the room? It was brisk. It was brisk. It was like 66. Yeah. But the heart was pumping and I had a little bit of sweat, you know. And the boner. And the boner!

And I'm waiting and I'm waiting and I'm trying to adopt like the most casual position because I know that- So what is that? You just do like- Well, I had one arm over here and then another like this, like, and then I felt like, paint me like one of your French girls. Very much like that. This is your casual- It was very like artist, model, nude, tasteful. And I was worried about my sweaty swamp ass making an imprint on the paper on the table. Oh!

Because I was in there for 25 minutes, thank you very much, with my little teeny boner. Girl. And I honestly forget what the point of that story was, but...

He came in. He was so hot. He was like, wham, bam, the needle went in, went out. He was like, good luck on tour, kid. And then it was out the door. And it was just, it was crazy. I mean, there wasn't really a whole lot of points to that story. Well, a lot of people, I think there's like, there's a lot of doctor-y porn. Yeah. And, well, a friend of ours sent me doctor-y porn and was like, I have a friend where we don't have sex, but we like similar things. He was like, you're going to love this porn. I go, great, thank you so much. It's like a book club. Yeah.

Oh, Prince Book Club. But shorter books, and it's porn. So he sent me the clip, and it's like doctor stuff. And I'm like, okay, I can get into like doctor stuff. And it's like, does anybody like doctor stuff? Anybody like that? Just the doctors. Okay. So then I'm watching the porn, and I'm like, okay, okay. Oh, oh, now it's like a physical, ooh, they're like checking his areas. Ooh, it's checking the heart. Ooh. It's like a 40-minute video. It's like, they're doing blood pressure. They're doing urine samples. I get to the end.

It was flat out an exam video. It was no sex. No sex happened. My friend is into the type of doctor porn where there's actually not sex. And I said, well, you could have fucking told me this. I'm here about 35% erect. Honey. Getting really invested in the well-being of this patient. I'm like, I don't know. That heart racing, that's not good. That BMI is a little concerning.

Yeah, when they asked him if he smokes, he said sometime. I was like, I don't know, you know? And what an expensive kink to have with those HMO fees and everything. No kidding. My God. Blue Cross Blue Shield, that's $700 a month just to go to the doctor. Jesus Christ. I thought he was going to be like, I have to put a finger up here. Oops, if you get a boner, that's normal. And then the guy's like, I can't believe I'm, you know. Right. No.

Nothing like that happened. Mary, it was like 40 minutes of sitting alone in the room. It was like, okay. And then the nurse comes in. She's like eating a sandwich. She takes her blood pressure. She leaves. In like Mickey Mouse scrubs. It's snowing outside. I was like, okay. I feel for the healthcare people in so many ways. But I am so happy they get to wear those fucking comfy little pajamas. Good for them. Oh, yeah, sure. We honestly, we're not medical professionals, as you know.

But we should get a couple sets of those for the tour bus. Oh, little... Scrubs. Scrubs. Yes. Well, with the Crocs and then the stethoscope? I don't want no... I do want scrubs. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yes. Oh, yes, please. Like the song. Yes, scrubs. Yes. Yes, scrubs. TLC. TLC. Now, I've recently learned, speaking of medical things, so, you know when, on the 4th of July, when dogs go apeshit?

Because of the fireworks? Yeah. It's a tough thing, especially in LA, a lot of dog owners, they gotta put the Valium in the kibble and then they gotta like, because it's a real thing. But luckily in LA, everybody has a press pill. I just gave her a press pill. Are you kidding? My Corgi, I gave her some Molly. She loves the fireworks. She loves them. But I realized what my 4th of July moment is and it's a tub draining.

I'm not a bath taker. I'm not a bath taker. I don't have a bath at home. I do showers, like I've said. I don't... On the road is the only time I'll take a bath. Uh-huh. With the sound of that bathtub draining. You don't like that? What do you hate about it? What do you hate about it? I recorded it. Well... It's like... We're not just an HVAC podcast. We moved on to plumbing and heating. Plumbing...

It is diabolical. By the way, while you find that, there's somebody here tonight dressed as HVAC. Somebody's an air conditioner. It's fierce. Good for you. But I'm going to tell you, I couldn't... And this was, as far as they go, this one was kind of tame because some of them are really... I mean, I'm chasing my tail. I'm running in circles. And they come out of nowhere. Like, you're just like, it's the most... Oh, it's the most horrible thing you could ever imagine hearing. And I just want to...

You know, I don't like that either. You know what it sounds like? It sounds like someone's doing brown pee. You know what someone's doing brown pee? It sounds medical. Yeah. It sounds like the sound effect to that fake porn video I watched. Thank you.

Very concerning. But you know, we have a friend who had, maybe I talked about this in the pod. We have a friend who was at a doctor and got a handjob from the doctor. So I think it does happen. Excuse me, what? It does. What are you talking about? Yes, he told me about it.

I mean, they. They. He or she. It wasn't anybody. I won't give any information. Are you fucking kidding me? This individual told me about it. What about his Hippocratic Oath? I don't know. Oh, my God. It's Hippocritical Oath. Oh, hello. Thank you. But you know, though, it's probably in the South. There's probably some repressed doctors. Yeah. Well, you know, it's stressful. That residency is no joke. I have some notes here. Okay. Okay.

This is our local references. We have a binder of local references. Oh, wait, wait. I have another fun story. This happened in Oshkosh. Okay. So I'm outside. I'm feeling very ill, very under the weather. I have a cold. I'm going out to smoke my first cigarette of the day at 6 p.m. That's big news for me. That's front page news. That's front page news for me. Usually I'm on my 20th at that time, okay? Just because you're so sick? Things are really hard. Yeah. Feels like I'm swallowing nails when I smoke. But I gotta smoke because I'm addicted. So...

I go outside and there's a snowplow, 'cause it's fucking freezing out, it's snowing. There's the guy doing the snowplow and he looks at me and he's like, "Hey, is there a fucking drag show here tonight?" And I'm like, sick and smoking and like in my show costume except with regular shoes on, I was like, "Yeah?" He's like, "That's fucking funny, dude." And I was like, he's like, "Oh, wait a minute, are you in the show?" And I was like, "Yeah, yeah." He's like, "Oh, wow.

how do you identify? And he's like, that's actually, I know, I know, but funny. I know, I was like, I was like, excuse me, he's like, are you trans? And I was like, by the way, valid question. I mean, he wants to know. It was fierce because I was like, I was like, okay, cute, hate crime coming up, here we go, you know,

I was like getting ready. I was like, okay. Right before the show was a little intense, but I've done karate. I can take care of myself. And then the way that it pivoted from hate crime to love shack was like, I was like, oh, wait a minute. Hold on a second. And that's so stupid. I should have just been like, yeah.

Instead, I tried to like level with him because I'm like such a victim. I was like, you know, I'm a dude. I'm a dude. Oh, you're trying to be like cool. Yeah, yeah. I'm just like you. I'm a guy. I'm a dude. I'm a guy. Hey. And he was like, do you like guys or girls? And I was like, I like guys. And he was like... Do you think he was putting the feelers out there? Well, hindsight is 50-50, okay? I think he... You're outside alone? Yes, I fucking do, bitch. I think he was too. I fucking do because how could you not?

Maybe you, well, you see the sweat stain that's on this cushion. Maybe you couldn't, but. And also, I wasn't out there, so you had a really good shot. Thank you. No cock blocking. And like a fucking chump, I was like, yeah, I like, I like guys. And then he was like, that's awesome, dude.

So just so you know. Give people the green light. Sometimes people are, you know, don't judge a book by its cover. And also, you know. Maybe next time smoke in your pumps. Smoke in my pumps. Exactly. He saw your men's house shoes. I know. I don't. Yeah. He was like, how do you identify? He literally said, he's like, what do you identify as? And I was like, are you trans? He was like, do you live outside? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I was just very impressed that he was doing that job with that accent and had that kind of vocabulary. It was very impressive. Very impressive. The flip side of that coin happened yesterday, which was in Oshkosh. Stage right, somebody was yelling. I'm just going to yell away from the microphone because we don't have to yell. He's going, white male! Straight!

And at first, this is horrible, and shootings are not funny. My mind went straight to, oh, he's doing a demonstration. Oh, my God. You're probably going to get... I thought we were going to be attacked. The whole opening, my mind was going, oh, my God, the one day I don't wear the Kevlar. Like, I was like...

That energy to drag show with everything that's been going on, I said, this is probably bad. And then I realized, oh, he's saying, gay people aren't just here to see you. I'm a straight white man and I support you. And I was like, that's sweet. But at first, I was scared and a little turned on. A little turned on, honey. More than a little. It was like a Wisco accent, like straight white male. I was like, mm-hmm, should go to my fucking high school to do. Yeah.

I love also the energy of like, yeah, please express yourself. I know. You know what? We're up here doing scripted things with Kelly Mantle who could be dead tomorrow. Like, let's try to enjoy the moment. But you know what? Why don't you yell the way you identify?

Maybe that's how you should have walked outside with that guy. You should have been like, gay, white, male. And he would have been like, okay. Okay, got it, got it, got it, got it. He's like, we sell the slippers. We get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I was trying to keep the show light, but maybe as some of you know, I had some difficult things in high school and my guidance counselor was there. Oh, yeah. She was, you know, the one who engineered me. She was the perpetrator? Oh, no, no. No, she was the one who...

alerted the police and had me taken out of the home and stuff. And I haven't seen her since high school and she came to the show and I saw her and I was like in drag, like, woo! She hugs me, immediately starts sobbing. Sobbing! And I just pinched her on the back. I said, not here. You know, like, we can't do weakness here. I grabbed the bra strap, I just snapped it. I was like, you need to, like, stop. Stop.

No, but it was really magical. But she hugged me like... I was like, oh, I forgot about my shitty, shitty, shitty life because my life now is so not shitty. And she hugged me and she was like... Yeah, yeah. I mean, isn't that good enough?

It was really, really sweet. And then she was with my friend Carrie, who's an instructor at my high school now. We went to high school together. Carrie and I sat side by side at a lab table. And believe it or not, I had to do the dissecting. She was like, you need to be strong for me. I can't do this. I remember it was yesterday, eighth grade. And I'm a vegetarian, like...

Like cutting into a frog that's been, I don't know, in a tube for eight years. Like it's not, it's not like they went out and caught this in the bog and then cut it open. The bog. The bog. And now that girl, Carrie, is the science instructor at the school in the same room we went to school together in. And I'm like, so you learned to dissect now. Yeah. I'm traumatized. And now you're probably cutting open those fetal pigs. That is so crazy. Did you guys dissect? It's fucking crazy. Oh, mama.

Anatomy, physiology, adult cat. Adult feline dissection for three fucking weeks. The smell of formaldehyde. Never mind the smell. What it did to our developing young brains. Yeah. Oh, who knows? Yeah. And my budding breasts. Maybe, you know, the development might have been stalled by all this. Yeah.

It was horrible. I think there was some development stalled, and I don't think it was the breasts. You don't think it was the... I don't think it was the... I think it was emotional. I think it was emotional. I think it was that too. Not to get corny, but I do think there's something very poignant and... Something very poignant and very untouching about your... No, about your story. Oh, yeah. Because you're literally like the American dream. Yeah, it was crazy. Dirt poor. Oh, well, thank you. Thank you. Dirt poor, tin roof rusted, and then...

Dollar sign, self-made. I know the other day, Jason, on the tour, he called me bougie and I said, I'm not bougie, I'm rags to riches. It's very charming. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Don't forget it. I'm not blue blood, I'm nouveau riche, honey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The basketball room. In the basketball room. In the basketball room. For love or basketball. Okay, now I have a quick little thing I want to do. We're going to get to a Q&A. I know you guys are getting a little sick of us. We're going to move it along here.

So this is, this is, this is the BFF quiz. BFF quiz. The BFF quiz. Woo! Woo!

Okay, and so I'm gonna ask you what your questions are, and then I have the answers that were written by your assistant, who knows you better than anybody. Good point. So I have the cheat sheet. Well, Brandon knows me very well, but you know what his rule number one is? He won't touch shit. He won't touch... Oh, Cuban feces? He won't touch my shit. And I've not asked him, but when we first started working together, he goes, just so you know, my rule number one, like, I will not touch your shit. Like, if I shit my pants, Brandon's like, I'm not involved. Right?

It's good to have those boundaries. That's a very clear, understandable boundary, but I'm more concerned about the fact that having to draw that boundary...

With you so soon. I've seen you drinking. Just so you know, I'm not going to be touching your shit. Oh, yeah. Just like Eden, remember, you're like... I won't let her shave my back. See? Boundaries. No, I had to make her do it. Yeah. Actually, I had to. I was going to bring it out here if my dress wasn't so, you know, I was going to make you shave my back on stage, but that's a little too much. I would have done... I don't think David... David Silver wouldn't even do it. David Silver would maybe spare me yelling down the hallway, are you going to shave that? Like, that's all he's going to do. Wow. Wow.

Okay. You guys, I'm safe at home. It was a joke. Jeez. Okay. So, all right. So, celebrity crush. Okay. Paul Rudd. That's what I said. I got that. Savory or sweet? Sweet, mama. Oh. If they wrote savory, I'm going to... It's sweet, right? I said savory, but it's sweet. It's sweet. Is it because of the way I eat? You see me in the back of the bus with pizza in the dark? You've seen me. Okay. He's like, I said sweet. She's like, I've seen you go in on noodles and company, mama. Favorite food?

God. Taco Bell. I'm trying to think of what Brandon would have said. What would Brandon have said? I hope he said salad. A light green juice, perhaps. What did he actually say? Cheese. Which is exactly what I would have said. Oh, he must have meant the reduced fat Babybel. Yes. Yes. Least favorite food?

God, there's so many. Olives. Yeah, olives. Olives. Wow, he's good. Every restaurant puts olives on things. I think they're so fucking gross. They're nasty. I think they're so gross. Oh, vile. Also, not to put your BF on blast, but I almost hurled in my mouth when he ordered a vodka martini with blue cheese olives in it. Girl. Yes, David Marie Silver. Yes. Yes.

He gets Chopin dirty martini with multiple blue cheese olives. - Mama. - And I fuck him anyway. - That was this. - That's love. That's love. - Favorite holiday. - This is fun. And this is the new content you guys wanted. - No, listen. - You know, talking about our favorite holidays. - Favorite holiday. - Mama, give it up for Christmas. - Of course it's Christmas. - Give it up for Christmas. - Christmas or bust. - Don't forget the reason. - Biggest fear.

Biggest fear, gorillas. Animatronics. Animatronics. Favorite place to travel to? Did you say Oshkosh? Work, bitch. He fucking said Oshkosh. I hope he says Milwaukee. He did. Childhood dream job? Oh, I think I wanted to be a dentist, actually. I saw the movie Little Shop of Horrors and I thought all dentists sang. He said...

Lottery ball puller. Oh, that's right. That's right. In Wisconsin, there's this woman and her job was to pull the lottery balls. And she just looked beautiful. Sorry. And they did a close-up of her manicure and she would just... And I was like, this bitch has it figured out. That's glamour.

That is glamour. Fun fact, years later, I work with her. Years later, her name's Lori Minetti. Years later, after watching her my whole life on the local news. You worked with her? I worked with her at a dinner theater show at an apple orchard. I've had a colorful life. And...

I go, how did you get that job? And she said, I just got it because of my personality. She said, I loved it. She said, they gave me manicures twice a week because her job was a close-up of her hands. Oh, right, hand model. So her hands were like, don't touch them, don't look at them. Isn't that fierce? Wow. That's the whole story. Yeah. Okay, now this is rapid fire. You can't think. You just have to answer. The first thing comes to mind. It's either or. Okay, ready? Scrambled or poached? Poached. Morning or night? Morning. Hangnail or splinter? Oh.

Splinter. Staple gun or chainsaw? Oh, staple gun. Dryer sheets or fabric softener? Dryer sheets. Permanent press or gentle cycle? Gentle. Takeout or delivery? Delivery, mom. Puke or diarrhea? Oh, gotta get up for puke. Okay. Killer clowns or zombie cheerleaders? Oh, zombie cheerleaders. Okay. Crocodiles or alligators? Crocs. Okay. Possums or opossums? Pfft.

Oh, wow. So is there a difference? I don't know. You tell me. Rats or mice? What? Rats or mice? Oh, rats. They're so cute. They are so cute. Every Tuesday, I go down to the Petco on Hollywood, and I buy a few, and I just let them go. That is their freedom. Ants or uncles? Ants. Ants. Peepaw or meemaw? Ah! Peepaw. Peepoo. Peepoo.

Pee pee or poo poo? We will be processing refunds in the lobby, you guys. Pee pee. Okay. Horseshoes or hand grenades? Oh, mama, horseshoes. Horseshoes. Okay, love or basketball? Love. Okay, run DMC or ACDC? Run DMC, bitch. Okay, Huey Lewis or the news? Huey Lewis. Kim Cattrall or SJP? Kim Cattrall. Okay, that's it. There we go. Oh my God.

And rapid fire. Yeah, we have compiled that basically you're mostly ace, which means you are a psychopath. Now...

Well, speaking of SJP, I just have to mention something very quickly. You've been having psychic visions. It's the future I can see. I've been having tableaus, let's call them. Because they're not quite dreams. They're not quite hallucinations. Let's call them tableaus. Premonitions? They're not really premonitions either because they don't seem to be helpful or indicative of the future. They're kind of capsules on their own. Like the other day when I was walking into

the GLAAD Awards, who were honoring Sherri Vine in the 25th anniversary of her song, "I Shit My Pants." That was a tableau. It was not quite a dream or a hallucination, but it wasn't real. So that's what we're working with. I had this very clear, sharp sort of tableau where Sarah Jessica Parker barges in on Matthew Broderick being pegged by Todrick Hall.

And she says, this Kiki is marvelous. That's amazing. And I don't know what it means. I don't know what it, like... But it means that you should watch the real gaze of West Hollywood. I guess so. I suppose I should. I suppose I should. Well, that's fun. Yeah. You think we should ask some questions? I think we should open it up to... Listen, I've been instructed that this time we're supposed to repeat your questions so that if you've heard the pod, it's like...

Yeah. We can't hear anybody, so we're going to repeat your question. So if you do have a question, we're going to call on you. You're going to ask your question, and then I or she will repeat the question, and then we'll answer it. Yeah, this is the honesty round. Yeah. Truth or dare. You right here in the front. Love it. Just scream, girl. Scream. Oh, my God. That is a fabulous question. Should we tell him what he asked? Yes, I think we should.

So this lovely person here just asked, as fans of terrestrial radio, KNFW, in the morning, which one of us is Macy and which one of us is Theta? They are co-hosts of this radio show called KNFW, terrestrial radio for long-haul truckers in the flyover country. And once you listen to it, you'll forget we ever existed. You will forget. Mama, this ain't funny. When I say store brand, when I say store brand...

That's us. Yeah. Our store brand. They are bespoke. Yeah. They are bespoke. They're so, so funny. But I think, I think, I'm probably Theta. Oh, there you go. There you go. The pod's over. I don't know what Theta looks like. Oh, she's probably really gorgeous. Yeah. She is probably gorgeous. Well, I guess I don't like to decide on people's value based on what they look like. That's just like not me, but I don't know.

That's a great question. We're going to have to think about that for a long time. Honestly, I don't think I deserve to be compared to either one of them because they're so fabulous. That's sweet. And I don't think they deserve that either. I don't know. They don't deserve that. They don't deserve that. But do tune in to KNFW in the morning, Terrestrial Radio for Long Haul Truckers in the Flyover Country. It's a fabulous show. Okay, next question. Yeah.

Oh, sure. Oh, yes. So this lovely person just asked us if we could talk about the process of creating the Team Trixie and Team Katya palette. I would love to mention something. What? The Italian rhythmic gymnast, stunt double...

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I remember the commercial. In the commercial we made, you see Katya and then you see somebody who looks just like Katya in the same wig and outfit doing stunts. But unfortunately, so here's the problem. She was tiny. She was 80 pounds of muscle. 80 pounds. Muscle. About 4'11". And we had a double made of the outfit for her, but she was swimming in it. And so...

So when it came to do her shots, it was like, oh, will you lend her yours? And I said, I had to put my foot down. I said, Mama.

This leotard is soaked in sweat. So I am not about to subject a Olympian to this. It was just such a lack of dignity. I feel like it would have been, I would never have been able to live with myself. No offense, way too big for her. Well, yeah, no shit. But I mean, at least it would have been the same outfit. You know what I mean? If you guys have seen Trixie and Katya live, not to give it away, but there's a part where we throw a blow up doll on stage dressed as Katya, right? You just ruined it. Oh, sorry. There's like two more weeks.

I know, but I didn't think anybody knew it was the blow-up doll. Mom...

I ruined the stunt. You're right. You really did. I would love for the last show if you just hurled your body out instead of the doll. I would love to do it. I would love to do it. That little blow-up doll, and they make blow-up dolls really small because people who want to fuck, they want to feel like, I don't know, giants? Avatar? I don't know why they don't want the doll the same size as them. Avatar. I mean, I have Matthew Camp who's I think 6'4 in my house. That doll is huge. So heavy too. 300 fucking pounds of silicone. This is a serious inquiry. I bought that doll for a TikTok video.

It was $4,500. And hey, we're all different. And if anybody in the Los Angeles area has earnest interest in having it for sex, I want it to go to the sex doll equivalent of like a farm.

Yes. You know, where he can run. You don't want to send it to a kill shelter. Yeah. It has the working dick and like you can, you know. I mean, the dick is very perky, although you have to come to my house to get it. Not to be gross, but I mean, I have simply have palpated that member quite a few times and I can feel the wire in there. Yeah, it's in there. It's in there. But it's just like a normal dick. You can feel that metal wire going through it.

It's sounding. How else do they get hard? Yeah. See? Okay. Great question. That's what you wanted to know about the makeup, right? Thank you. Yeah.

But I insisted. I was, I was, I insisted that we do a commercial. And I was like, I want to do this palette as long as we get to do a commercial and you're going to give me a fucking stunt double. And she did. I was very grateful for that. Pretty much all the collabs, we let the person pick all the shades, all the names. They literally do all of it. It's nice because I don't, I do very little. Yeah, and it's great. And oh, by the way, the Oh Honey 2 palette. It's a slay, sugar pill. It's a slay. I'm wearing the whole thing on my eyes tonight.

Thank you very much. Doing makeup artistry, courtesy of Trixie Cosmetics. Next question. Anybody over here have a question? You know what I was going to say. Anybody over here have a question? That hand right there. So this person asked if I've seen The Visit. I don't know. You told me to watch that movie and I didn't watch it either. So we're behind. Oh, no. We've been touring. No, but I did. No, but I will answer your question with a different answer or statement.

I'll say something else. I watched Infinity Pool. Has anybody seen Infinity Pool? Mama.

It is wackyjackie.com slash ohmygoshwhatisgoingon. It is wild. Oh, these legs. It's crazy, girl. You gotta watch it. Brandon Cronenberg, Nepo Baby, Sockin' a Tuya. Ooh! Infinity Pool. Ooh!

I wish they were a sponsor. I wish. The kicker is the other day on the podcast, I saw a comment that said, oh good, they're talking about movies again. Ooh, mama, infinity pool socks to your body, hurrah.

Body horror. Is it a lot though? Oh, it's a lot. Is it worse than Crimes of the Future? Mama, it's by the son. The father did Crimes of the Future. The son did Infinity Pool. It's the family affair. It's so good. Is that the answer you wanted? You got the free song and dance out of it. Long story short, no, I have not seen The Visit. I did watch Infinity. One of you whores in the top up there. Okay, you in the back. That person who yelled.

Hello. She said hello, women. Thank you. All of it. All of it. Like the compilations especially, I feel like I'm in that movie, Me, Earl, and the Dying Girl. You know that part where she's in bed and she's passing away and the movie's projected on the wall and she's like... That's like me with my vape. That is literally like me with my... Yeah. Infinity pool. Or I also...

So when we watch, sometimes I'm like, there's sex that I've had that I think I just, I mean, you've seen our memories at work. Like it's 50 first dates up here at this point, but less production. And it's like, I'll see sex things where I'm like, I did do that. I loved that. I think sometimes they regret talking about blood out of the penis hole. Uh-huh. Well, I didn't tell you. Did we talk about, you know, you guys know how I had hemorrhoids for a long time?

We've talked about it on every show we're on. I think I talked about it on Netflix. I know, the crossover appeal. January 6th, I was at the Capitol yelling it. Like, I'm just getting the word out there. Getting the word out. I truly am flummoxed and flabbergasted by your readiness and willingness to discuss your hemorrhoids. Listen, Kathy Griffin got a pap smear on TV. It's good for the humanity to talk about your body. But did I tell you that they're gone and what happened? What?

What happened? I'll give you the CliffsNotes because it's, you want to talk body horror. This is actually one of the craziest things that's ever happened. I can't believe I haven't told you this. Holy fucking shit. This is nasty, you guys. Like later, any of you who had a half idea of like messaging me on Grindr or wait, like that's going to fly away right now.

But I'll have you know that my butt right now, mama, is top model. Top model. But for a while, it was Crimes of the Future. Yes. So while I was in London shooting a certain competition reality show, oh, I could say they announced Queen of the Universe season two. Queen of the Universe, yeah. Right? Right?

I try to keep my head in the game. I try to judge it as fairly as possible because season two, these bitches are amazing. It's unreal. So I'm going to the doctor and they have, it's free healthcare, babes. And you know, in the UK, they're always like, it's not that great. You have to wait a long time to get into it. How come now when I did a British person, I didn't give them an accent? I don't know. So I go to the doctor because I'm like, this has been going on and worsening and crazy. I go there, I get to the doctor, I lay on the table,

They say, this is a different country. This is when I know I'm in a different country. Okay. They say, get on the table and pull down your pants. There is no curtain. There is no, there's no bathrobe or like a, what do we call a paper robe? Yeah. A gown, medical gowns. I don't know. I have my gaff on. Okay. I have my gaff. I'm tucked and I'm laying there and pull down the bundle. This, and this guy goes, he looks, he goes, just British. Right. And then,

He exhales. He pauses. He closes the door just a little bit and looks out the hallway and then talks very softly to me. And I'm like, okay, well now we're at the point where the doctor is telling me secret information. Like this isn't good. And like, I've done gay sex, but I'm not, I'm not doing, I'm not doing Jurassic world. Like I'm just doing it. It's a peaceful transition, you know, it's the afterlife. And the doctor goes, all right,

"You know, I could have you come back here in two weeks. We could get the anesthesia down here. We have to schedule an appointment. You could just get on the table and I can just cut him out right now." 'Cause he told me it was like, it was hardened pieces of blood. He's like, "Oh, it's not even that. This is like, like anyway." So then the cutting begins. This is fucking crazy. The cutting begins. Mary, did I tell you this?

I have to imagine. But the doctor was like, oh, once I do this, that will never happen. It'll be gone forever. And it was and it is. I've been stretching that sucker out. It's all good. No, I'm just kidding. But...

So, the slicing, no anesthesia. No anesthesia whatsoever. What are you talking about? I'm talking about slicing and dicing and removing. You need to blow the weed into your butthole or anything? I'm talking making incisions and removing. And I'm fully in the world, just like, mm-hmm. Is that ethical? Gotta judge Queen of the Universe tomorrow and just...

So cut to me the next day in full drag judging with just... Diaper, diaper. Basically a diaper. Basically a diaper. I won't say which episode, but you can figure it out. I need to know if Mel B saw your bloody diaper.

I really did sit next to Mel B all year and it was fucking crazy, girl. It's crazy. The whole time I was like, she doesn't need to know you have five Mel B dolls. The whole time. And you don't have to say it. And you're not gonna say it. You were sitting next to that bitch being shitty spice the whole time. Yes. That's so fierce. Wait, I can finally tell you this story too. Oh, fuck. Whoever asked this question, this is so exciting. Okay.

So Mel B is the new judge on Queen of the Universe, Scary Spice, right? And it's the end of the season. I won't say anything about what happens, but there's a little wrap party because we're all packing up our shit. The judges were all packing. And then the production people who've been working the whole season so hard, they're having like a little woo. They're listening to music on their speaker. I'm picking songs for us all to dance to. And we thought Mel B left a while ago. So I said, let's fuck around and find out and play wannabe. Let's...

You notice I said I thought she left. Okay? So I'm blaring wannabe. And you know that song? It's like Baby Shark. It just gets in your head and you're like, yes, yes, yes. So we're all dancing because this is the UK. These PAs, they're like, mama, the Spice Girls, that's Madonna to them. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, we're all dancing. It's like, tell you what I want. Yes, yes, yes. That Mel B comes back in and we're all like, imagine Mel B comes in and sees you freak dancing to fucking, and we're like, oh.

And Mel B walks in, she puts her hands on her hips and she looks around at us disgusted and for a beat and then she goes, so here's a story from A to Z. And all these British gays who work on the show were like, wig, gone. They were doing, yeah. Anyway. So yeah, on the pod we do regret things we say. It does happen.

I think, unfortunately, I think we're almost out of time. We're out of time. Yeah. No. We're almost out of time. No. But do you want me, one more question? Yeah, one more, but it has to be good, so if it's not good, we're going to skip you. Maybe a couple more, a couple more. I'll let you pick. Okay. Let me just make sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, straight ahead right there. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh, sure. Yeah, sure. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. So this person asked if she could do her impersonation of homophobic Cher, which, yes. But wait. I also... I almost forgot. I have a new impersonation. She does? I do. I...

So I've been sick, so I was going to sing a song, but unfortunately I can't get the range because of my nose on the throat right now. But I can do an impersonation. If anybody's seen The Silence of the Lambs, has anybody seen the movie The Silence of the Lambs? So this is James Gumm, played by Ted Levine. It's really, really good, so just be quiet for a second. So Clarice goes to the door, and she's asking if he knew Frederica Bimmel.

And he says no, but then he says, oh, wait. Now, if you've seen the movie, you know that that's really good. I'll do it again. Oh, wait. The issue is they don't like good impersonations. You think they like the Cher because it's amazing? Well, I'm just giving them variety. Right, you're giving them levels. I'll do it again.

Oh, wait. It's incre-- If you know, you know. It is incredible. I'm sorry. I think it's amazing. Was she a great big fat person? Oh, wait. It's good. They should have had Cher as James Gunn. I know. Oh, my-- could you imagine? Oh, wait. Hey, was she a great big fat person? That's so bad. You guys really like bad things. You like bad things. Will you do it? Do it a little bit? I wanted to wear her skin 'cause it's a woman's world, bitch.

Would you buy the size 14? We have to go. Thank you for coming. Thank you, Chicago, so much for coming. We're going to get on a drag. If you like disco, come to Beauty Bar tonight. We're going to drink and dance. Bye. Right on the seat.

Thank you.