Philosophers Watching Car Crashes with Trixie and Katya
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Shake that thing, miss. You know that song? What is that? It's a good song. What is it? Is it Sean Paul? Yeah. Sean Paul. Give me the light. What the one? Yeah. Love him. How about, how about, love Rihanna. You do? Yeah. Really?

Think about it. I have a little bitch showed up on this planet and put out like a dozen timeless pieces of music. She put out a lot of hits. In like four years. Yeah, she put out a lot of hits. And then she said, peace out. And then became a billionaire doing lingeries. It's amazing. And makeups. Which she did. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah, she's very cool. That's how you have a music career. You think she'll do more music? Do so much young. Do so much young. And then just fuck around. Like, not saying she's fucking around, but. No. No.

she has hits that will endure forever. She can never put a song out again. I don't think she will. Honestly. Yeah. Yeah. Good for her. I know. I say, I feel, listen, I love when people retire or they stop doing stuff. Yeah. Love her. Yeah. Um, I got another, wait, do you know Casey Musgraves? Yeah. She is so good.

I like saw some pictures of her because I was Googling Gwen Stefani at the Met Gala 2019 because I love Jeremy Scott. She went the way of Jeremy Scott. And then Kacey Musgraves is a friend with Jeremy Scott. Was that the Barbie year? Camp. It was camp. Yes. Mama, that was camp. She was looking camp right in the eye.

But was that the one where Casey was in the pink leather Barbie look? I don't know, but she was in a zipper, big zipper. Maybe that was that. Is it pink leather? It's pink leather. Yeah. She is. She's in the Moschino. Outrageously beautiful. Like I can't even stand it. Her music's great too. She's an icon. Her voice is. She plays that guitar. She writes those songs. I couldn't believe it. She sings. She's amazing. And I saw her. She did a little holiday special where in every scene she looks beautiful.

impeccably stunning and then miss lana del rey shows up in a little flat shoe and a little kiki a wiggle dress and that's your friend that's my friend i said mary where's the hair makeup i know where's the where's the effort this thing is in gucci like down yeah perfection in motion and no offense to lana she's fine lovely casey's great woman she's so her early music is so good and then um her album golden hour from like four years ago just amazing and uh it's us too it's

How did she so hot? It's crazy. That song. High horse. Anytime it comes on. I'm happy. Yeah. Good for her. So fun. She's so pretty. And she, um, she invited me to an event. Uh, you know, what is it? Fuck. What's it called? Mary J. Oh, Edie Parker.

It's a like upscale women's marijuana paraphernalia. So it's like fancy ashtrays, fancy lighters, fancy purses with like a little joint area in it. Okay. I went to one of her holiday parties for the E Parker and she was, it was her party. Oh wow. And she invited me and I had the pleasure of going.

And I love her music and I was so nervous to meet her and she was so nice. Yeah. And so fucking beautiful in person. It's like, I'm telling you, if I saw her, I'd probably have to, I'd probably have to get her, you know what? Just move away from her because you're going to goon and you're going to say something stupid. I know. And it's like, you know, I mean, hot people know they're hot.

Give me a break. They don't need to be retold and retold. She's so stunning looking. Yeah. I worked with somebody the other day and I said, I don't know why you're doing this. You could be like a model. And he was like, I do that. I am a model. Yeah. Hi, I'm Naomi Campbell. Yeah. It was a guy. And he said, hi, I'm Naomi Campbell. Yeah. No, but you know. Yeah. I'm Cindy Crawford. My name or I'm Kaya Gerber. I do modeling. Kaya Gerber. Not a hot name. No. It's like Kaya Gerber.

I don't know what she looks like, but that's her name. You don't know what she looks like? It's Cindy Crawford's supermodel daughter. Oh. From She Was an American Horror Stories. I don't know, but she certainly looks... Cindy Crawford's daughter. Cindy Crawford's daughter looks... She is tall as a fucking stick. She looks exactly like her mama. It's insane.

It's another dupe. It's like, not a dupe. Tracy, can you fact check that? Are you kidding me? Kaya Gerber is fucking Cindy Crawford's daughter? But I think she's in American Horror Stories. She's an actor? She's an actor now. I believe she was in American Horror Stories as a ghost. Oh, a ghost? But a sexy ghost. She was a sexy ghost. Poised. So, I mean, I think also the sun is a model too. Well, there you go. Okay. Genetics. Genetics.

Nepo babies of the modeling world. But see, with modeling though, you have to have the math on your side. It's like my little lumpy daughter can't go on the runway if she's under 5'2". My little lumpy daughter? No, seriously. No, you're right. Look at her. If you look at her, she's like, oh, that's a model. Yeah. Because she looks like models look. And you have to look like how models look, I guess, to be a model. I don't know how they would do that.

What, make the little lumpy daughter taller? No, just modeling. I mean, I've done modeling as Trixie. But it's different. Also, it's hard. Like, I know people think modeling is easy. It's not easy. It's hard for you. But... It is hard for me. It's so hard for me. No, modeling is hard, but...

- More than the photo shoot and the pose and getting the shot, the lifestyle. These people going places where they look at your body half naked, say something horrible to your face, and then you leave. And you're gorgeous, but because you work in an industry where everyone's gorgeous, it means nothing. - Nothing. - Why wouldn't you get a job at the local Petco and let your looks take you up to a mid-management level? Do you know what I mean?

Good look. Good look. What is it? Sexy privilege. Pretty privilege. Pretty privilege. No, that's what it's called. Pretty privilege. Pretty privilege. Yeah. Yeah. That will take you farther. Do you think? At a Midwestern paper chain than the fucking modeling world. Because who cares? Everyone's beautiful. I guess. And from isn't runways kind of the hot or the or the uggos, right?

Runways, like you are either classically model beautiful or you have like a interesting tooth. Interesting code word, like you are ugly, but you're 5'10 and 120 pounds or whatever. You're like particularly far apart eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Striking. It says striking. Striking look. Anya Taylor-Joy. I would call her also extremely beautiful.

She is beautiful, but she has this alien bug beauty. Alien bug energy. Yeah, she has a striking face. It's symmetrical. Crazy symmetrical. I love her. But with the models, you've got your stars, your openers and closers, and then you have your filler queens, your workhorses, the girls who work, work, work, but they're not millionaires. Yeah, you're right. You know what I mean? But when you see real models in the wild...

Oh, in New York City. Your mind goes. In New York. That's a model. Yeah, in New York because nobody ever walks in LA. You never get to see stars. It sucks. Yeah. It sucks in LA. They're either sitting down in a restaurant or in their car. You never see them out in the wild. You never see them in the wild. In New York, you see models all the time walking and you're like, whoa, that's a model. Yeah. They look so different. They look like giraffes. They look not human. Not human. And I mean that like in a totally nice way. Like they take your breath away. Yes. It's like an avatar. Yes. Yes.

I'm Sigourney Weaver, but there's Sigourney Weaver as the Avatar. Jake Sully. Have you seen that movie? Jake Sully. Is that The Way of Water? That's his name. The Way of Water, Avatar? No, I've only seen the first one. Oh, I haven't seen the second one. Because I heard the second one's like six hours. Thank you. Who's got the time? I'm not getting involved in that. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not doing all that. I'm not bringing my own pee bag. I'm not bringing my pee bag. I'm not wearing a diaper to the I-Pick.

And I'm not taking a pee break right when Jake Sully, you know, the major moment. If I'm going to have steak, Diane, I don't want to do it in a cinema. I want to do it at home because I'm going to need to eat dinner in four hours. You know what I mean? Do you like Dave and Buster's? I've never been there once in my life. Okay. If you keep talking, if you talked about it for six and a half years, I have to go try it sometime. You got to go. Yeah, I'm going to go. Where is it? I went, this weekend I had off. Where is it? So I was really, it's in Hollywood. Hollywood and Highland. Hollywood and Highland. Very close. This weekend I was getting...

I was really testing my limits of how much I could disconnect from work. Yeah, I know. You also were on the phone with me. You said, it's my day off. You said about 12 and a half times. Yeah, yeah. I was trying to, but I was trying to get used to it myself. I think you were trying to convince yourself. Yeah, yeah. It's my day off. It's my day off. It's my day off. Yeah, I'm going to go to day four. It's my day off. But the truth is, I don't take many days off. When I do have a day off and someone asks me to do something, I make a production of it. I go, it's my one day off. Yeah, it's like, please stop suffocating me. I go to the mall.

What mall? On Hollywood and Highland. There's a mall? Mary, the California Pizza Kitchen, the Hot Topic, the Dave and Buster's, the Sephora. Is that by Grauman's Chinese Theater? By the Dolby Theater, yes. Oh, I know. Oh, it is a mall. Okay, whatever. Anyways, continue. I went to the local shopping center. Is that better? Yes, because I think of a mall. I think of like Westfield Mall. I think of like the Grove. So I told you it was Hollywood and Highland. And then I said the mall. And you said, where is it?

I don't know. You confuse me. Hollywood and Highland has an annoying crosswalk that's a crisscross so that some dumb bitch from Paducah, Beth from Iowa, from Beth from Iowa can put on her jean skort and do a flowing blouse. They do selfies in the middle, Mary. They do selfies in the middle. They do selfies in the middle. And I hope a car takes them out. Ooh, mama. I believe

I believe firmly in my, now that I'm a driver, I believe firmly in my bones that between La Brea and Vermont, Hollywood should be no cars. Godless times. Godless times. These are godless times on Hollywood Boulevard. If you want to get run down by a Scientologist in a Sprinter van, go to Hollywood Boulevard. Mama, between La Brea and Vermont Ave on Hollywood Boulevard, pedestrians only. Catch it, mayor. Catch it, mayor of L.A.

North-South traffic can still happen, but no turning. No East-West traffic on Hollywood Boulevard between La Brea and Vermont. Catch it. It'll be like Sin City. No laws. It is a big city. I think they should almost have center...

I don't know. Maybe a lane that's, depending on the time of day, is express through or express out. Can't do it. Changes direction. Can't do it. They do that. No, you got to do pedestrian only. Be lawless, sin city. Have the hookers rule the streets. Friday, I got another microneedling facial.

And you said, yeah. I'm trying to stack them up. Look how good it looks. I mean. You look great, but you have makeup on right now. A little bit. A little bit, yeah. Because it's still red from the treatment. Oh, I see. But I mean, when you get them like six weeks to two months apart, they kind of stack the benefits. This time when I got in the shower, I was like. Whoa.

A baby. A baby, yeah. It's like the best my skin's ever looked. You put your skin through so much fucking trauma. Trauma. Trauma. So you're traumatizing your dermis. Yeah. And the epidermis. Yeah. So I go to the mall. Dave and Buster's. And I'm scabbed. I'm fully scabbed. Hollywood Boulevard, you fit right in. Entirely. Yeah. But, okay, I got to tell you this. So there's the mall and I go in the mall and I brought weed.

And I thought, and you know, I'm getting into weed. So I thought, you know, it's going to enhance my Dave and Buster's day off experience. Weed. Doing weed. Yeah, of course. So I puffed the weed. Yeah. Marijuana, cigarette. I go in and they say, do you need a card? And I said, I held up my phone where I have 13,000 tickets saved up. And I said, Oh, I'm sorry. Are you Dave? Are you Dave? Did you need to top up your power card?

This isn't my first rodeo, bitch. Okay. I know you need to point me to where the coin pushers are right now. They're like plow games. I like those, you know. Oh. Where it's like you put the quarter in and then the plow pushes it and the quarters all move. I got to go. I have no idea. So I got to go find out. I got a few games I love to play. Ski ball? I love ski ball. I love the thing where there's clowns and you have balls and you got to knock down the little fuzzy clowns. Okay. Like whack-a-mole kind of? Yeah. Love ski ball. Love...

It looks like a beer pong. So it's like, what do you call it? Solo cups. And you have...

You got to get them like, you know, whatever. Okay. Do you do games, driving games, any arcade games? I don't do anything like that. No, but do they have a lot of analog? Like there's a ball and there's a thing or like throwing. It's the gross motor movements. Yes. Yeah. One of them is like, you know, it's a big combination lock and it's moving either way and you have to stop it on each number. It's like, Oh wow. I like like baby games. High. No, no, no. These are the high value ticket payout games. These are the games where you can win 50 tickets a game.

I'm not playing the fun ones. I'm getting less tickets. Okay, so where did the tickets get you? Stay at a hotel? A lot of items. Right now I have enough saved up for a vacuum. What do you call it? The ones that go on their own? A Roomba? Yeah. I have enough saved up for a Roomba right now. Those aren't cheap. No, I know. I didn't spend it. Don't get a Roomba, by the way. Absolutely don't get a Roomba. For my house? No, don't get a Roomba. Why? They're horrible. All that hardwood floor in my house? Oh my God, they're horrible. No, they're not. Yes, a Roomba's hard.

Why? Because it's like a stupid fucking robot that doesn't do the job right. You think? I know. Okay. Mama, don't take jobs away from human beings. Mama, you get a melee? You get a melee, you put the attachment on for hardwood floor? Never seen a hardwood floor cleaner. I want a weekly cleaning person, but... You need a cleaner, you're never home. I know, but I don't want them to be there when I'm there. You're never there. Yeah. It's so easy.

It's so easy peasy. You don't have a cleaner house. You think if I leave a little gown, a little cleaning gown in David's size out, he'll just like. Definitely. But you have to have really nice, like custom made rubber gloves. Yeah. Like dishwashing gloves. Gucci dishwashing gloves. With the monogrammed. And then, yeah. Yes. Absolutely. And a little punch clock. You can punch in and out. Yes. Yeah. And then I can kind of come by with a white glove and like, you know. Yeah. And you slap him if it's not good. Totally. Totally.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. So I'm playing the games and I've had enough. And then I go into the prize area. I must have been in there 40 minutes. Couldn't decide what to get.

I just, there's too many possibilities. And I had too much tickets, which made me like drunk with possibility. Yeah. I was like, oh my God, I can get these juggling balls or I could get this Frisbee. It was like just too much in the air. Do they have any variables? What about, um, sometimes jewelry? Yeah. That's where I got that silver, that gold necklace as a winner. Oh my, they have Mojado watches. Those were three. No, the, the, the necklace was 3000, but I already had one and they didn't have it at this particular day in Busters. So I decided to wait because you can turn in your tickets that you win.

for appetizers. - They have food there. - They have fierce food there. So then I decided to go to the bar and I ordered the nachos with no meat and a Diet Coke. - And you loved it. You got your life on that day off. - Loved it. But then I'm like, you know, I'm closing the door to the spiritual realm with the marijuana, but I'm going for one last hoorah on the way home. 'Cause I decided to walk home. It's about two mile walk. So I go, I'm gonna, and on my day off, walk. Why not? - Absolutely, why not? - Go for my lovely walk, listen to music.

And you know, in Hollywood Boulevard, they have the people dressed up as characters. A lot of time it's like someone in shitty blue face paint who's like, I'm Cookie Monster. And you're like, no, you're not. Or a guy with a snake. But sometimes it's good. Oh, yeah. And I was particularly high.

And there was a Pennywise, a good one, a very good one. Did you fuck him? No, it just, it took me a whole second to understand what was going on. Like I'm walking on the stairs and I'm like, boop, boop, boop, boop. And I look up and there's a very real Pennywise. Just like the real, I mean. With a balloon. Just standing. Did it scare the shit out of you? No, but because it looked like the one from the movie, my brain went, Hollywood Boulevard. It's from the movie.

But it was so real. And he was just standing there looking at me with the balloon. It did take me a full second to be like, right. Hollywood Boulevard. It just took me out of my, just for a second. It scared me. That's crazy. It scared me. I mean, what would have happened? I mean, if he had like, tried to like palpate your boner. I am very fine. I'm fine with that.

Would you fuck one of those guys? Yes. Which are the Hollywood characters? I'm not into ass up. I'm not into a non. I'm not into door closed, face covered. But if you have a mask on. It's on. There's something okay with that. It's on site, bitch. Can I tell you? Halloween is hot for that reason. I know.

Ooh, look at that guy in the fucking mask. Which one? All of them. Should we fuck them? Yeah. Like that's Halloween. That's Debbie and Paula going to the party. Yeah. I love it. I went to, um, I had sex, you know, I've been thinking about sex, like, you know, oh, it's sex, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And then I had, that's the comedy part of you. Hey, sex. What's up with that? Blah, blah,

Men, women, ugh, men are gross, girls are stupid, bleh. Yeah. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. I was watching it, I was watching a comedy. So ladies, the difference between being married and not married. It's like one of us has cum in their pussy and the other doesn't. Boop.

I watched a comedy special. I won't say what it was. My husband keeps waking me up and wanting to have sex. Yeah. Whoa. All they comedians talk about is like, is sex. It's all comedians talk about is sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. So I finally have sex the other night. And it was incredible. Who did you have sex with? A guy that I met online. Mario Lopez. Extra. Extra.

And it was off the charts, like Dina Martino would say. It was off the charts. Catch it. It was off the charts. And we fucked for quite a while. But here's the problem. I recently had a hip replacement and thrusting in a sexual motion, thrusting my penis into somebody else's body.

It aggravates. You know what helps, though? Putting on a song that you can kind of match the rhythm to. Yeah. I hear it and I know. No, Benny Benassi, Satisfaction. Touch me and then there's my. Oh, yeah. You want that. So I can get my satisfaction. One. Yeah. The offbeat. Yeah, every one in five, I'm doing it. But it was, oh my God, it was a fact.

And it was, um, now he bottomed, he did. And he did. And he did brilliantly. Now what's the, what's the best expertly for your hip right now? Is it the best for you to like lay there? Probably. Um, yes. The best thing was for me to like have him ride. But see, the problem is that I was so turned on that I couldn't stand still. I couldn't sit still because I was consumed with desire. It was, it was a really wonderful experience. And then I thought, I thought to myself, oh, this is why people go insane.

Because this type of pleasure is not only intoxicating, it's very addicting. It's very like, they goon and then they, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, but it was just, and there was a moment where like in the beginning when we were chatting, cause we don't have, I'll say we don't have very much in common. Let's say that. And I was like, there was a moment where it's like, I don't think this is gonna lead into a hookup. And then his butt grazed my crotch and I was like,

oh yes it is oh this is going this is actually going very much in that direction yeah it was the physicality of it of his body his body was

The butt was like insane. Like off the charts, number like cover girl, put the bass in your, like, you know, Kaya Gerber on the runway. It was like incredible, incredible. And like, it could have, like this person could be a total dick, a total asshole, a cretin from hell. I would still fuck the shit out of him. Yeah. Like in a second, in a heartbeat, in a moment's notice. I leave right now. Listen, this microphone would be on the floor with your dust cloud. Oh,

Hookups are a beautiful thing. Yeah. You know, the older I get, the more I'm like, I think when I was younger, I was like, yeah, but it's like, it's a supplement for like the real thing. And now I'm like, what's the real thing? Hookups are a different thing. Hookups are two people with really nothing in common, kind of like temporarily bonding over this mutual interest. And then it's over and it's kind of like, yeah.

It's not a supplement for a relationship. It's its own thing. It's its own thing. And it was like, we, it was our second time hooking up, but there was, so there was a familiarity, but not much of a rapport I'd say. And, and it was just, ah, damn, it was fabulous to both be like sexually. I mean, it was like, it's such a wonderful thing. Cause it's like, oftentimes, I mean, you know, it's,

When you know the give and take is almost even that is just it's electric. Yeah boogie woogie and that's not always happening No, they're no is you would they try like hold back their vomit No, lately. I've been having a lot of them. I keep having more psychic. Oh, wait. I'm sorry to interrupt you But the anon thing it's the opposite of that. Oh

I can't do the, and not like, I don't, I, I, you mean like no face, no face. No, I don't want to know. Just, just plug in a way. Like this guy had a butt that if it appeared in a glory hole or whatever, I don't know if they do that, but like if there's a large hole in the butt came through, I'd be like, Whoa, are there butt glory hole? I think so. You just do a bigger hole. It doesn't, that Dick go through the Dick size hole. And then your butt is just on the other side. Yeah. But I'm saying if I could be able to see it, the, you know what I mean? So like that, I would be like, Oh wow. Yeah. I want to do that.

It doesn't matter if it's fucking, you know, mayor of East town on the other side. Um, but like, I don't, there was like a, a very, um, you like his face and all that. Yes. Yes. And I, like there was a, it was very intimate is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. It was intimacy was very, very intense and palpable, even though it's just a hookup. Right. You know, there's no, it's a no strings situation, but there's still very strong intimacy. Uh huh. So that's great. That's all. Anyways. How'd you meet him? The internet grinder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You get scared of people coming to your house? Absolutely not. No. And he's funny. He was like, he knew who I was and he was like a fan or whatever. And he was like, I can't believe you let me come to your house. I was like, why? I guess, I mean, I was like, I was like, what, because you're a serial killer? I have so many knives. You're shorter than me. I could fucking slit your throat in a second. Yeah. Did you say that? Yeah. I think that's good. I reached into my junk drawer in the kitchen. I took out the buck knife and I was like, mama, why?

You're like, what are you? What do you think's going to happen? Mama, 12 years of karate, hip replacement. No, whatever. Whatever. You're like, before my hip replacement, I'd be scared. But now? Yeah. Full range of motion. Titanium, sweetie. And you lift your leg up to your eye level and you go, what are you going to do? I turned on the track. I was like, this joy is liberated. This joy is liberated. I love hookups.

I'm happy for you. Sex is not everything, but it's certainly something. Yeah. Yeah. And it's okay. But got to live without it. Got to be able to live without it. Will you do faceless? Will you do? Will you do? I don't want to send you a picture of my face, but. No, I don't like that either. It's crazy. What do you mean faceless? I don't know. I'm going to know. I got to know. I got to know what you look like.

My pictures on whatever thing I'm trying to do, say Grindr, I look like that. The whole body, you get a sense of how much I – the numbers, which are important. Age, height, weight. That's very important because those are real. And it's important. Those are facts. We hope they're facts. They have to be facts. Yeah. They fluctuate. Age doesn't. It only changes once a year. No. No.

But I'm saying the representation fluctuates. I know. So you got to keep them up to date. You know how I feel about 39.

Nobody's 39. Nobody's 39. Everybody salt and peppered and wrinkled to hell is like, I'm 39. I'm like, are you? Just don't show the age. I don't think my age. I don't know if my age is showing. I have no issue with old guys. Yes, but a lot of people do. I have issues with liars. Yes, me too. I have issues with liars. I will fuck your wrinkly old gray ass. Yeah. But I won't fuck your wrinkly gold gray ass if you're trying to shove it into a 39 age package. You lying bitch. Let me see the passport. Because you can be hot at any age.

You can be hot at any weight. Yes. Like don't lie about any of that. And don't lie about your fucking height. You freak. That is, that is so fucking free. Can I just say this? And I'll make a promise to you, you, you, all of you. If somebody ever comes over for a hookup and they say they're,

6'2". 6'2". And they're 5'10". I'm going to say something. Yeah. And we should all say something because we have to live in reality. Yeah. We have to live in reality. Unless you are born with those Spice Girls stacked fucking pumps on your feet. Yeah. You are not 6'2". And I'm fine with you not being 6'2". Of course. But why are you lying? Right, right, right, right, right. The cock-a-doodie car. Like, why are we lying?

Why are we lying about height? Because we're so afraid of rejection. We're so afraid of not getting into the front door because of that stigma. But I also, I'll suck your tiny cock. But not if you tell me it's a huge cock. I will suck it. I'll put that tiny little Mr. Peanut in my mouth. I've never, ever, ever, I've never, ever tried. When people relay information about their dick size, that's mother goose.

Mama, that's Mother Goose talking. That's story time. That's the busy world of Richard Scarry. That's drag hour at the library, honey. None of it is real. None of it matters. That's Madeline. Mama, that's everybody poops. Okay? That's fucking public libraries. Maya Angelou, honey. I know why the Cades were at sync. That's fiction. That's fiction. That's Stephen King. Tom Sawyer's shit. Gerald's game.

It's crazy. Don't... And you can use adjectives all you want. Huge, whatever. Mama, that's... It's just... That's why I don't... There's no... Because I'm not really a bottom, there's no like...

There's no expectation or anything about dick size. But I'm a bottom and I don't care if it's a small dick. Not every bottom cares about it. You're not a fire hydrant. You're not a gutless, insatiable bottom like people in LA. By the way, with the hookup, he was very pleased with the size and whatever of my penis and I was very happy for that. Not a lot of guys love an acorn, but this guy couldn't use a chipmunk. People

People will like... I mean, this is what they're looking for, girth-wise. Right. This is what they're looking for, girth-wise. Why? I think it's just... I don't know. I think it's just you go limits. You go... It's like a marathon. It's like you run a mile. You ran 27. Yeah. It's insane. Yeah. That's worse. That's weirder than this. You think? Yeah. I know. I don't know. You know, I'm fine with people having whatever kind of sex they have, but...

Last night I had a gig and I played a remix of Short Dick Man and I really thought, I think I need

I think I need to retire this song. I love this song, but I hate the sentiment. I do too. I do too. Because we don't hear small titty girl. You don't hear like, I don't want to fuck that small titty girl. Right. It's terrible. I don't like that. No. Because I do want. Well, yeah, I do want that short dick man. I want that short dick man equal to a big dick man. I don't care. Yeah. I want that fat butt man. I don't care if he's got a peanut pecker or a fucking kielbasa on the other side. Now, is it a problem for you if you're trying to fuck someone and they have like a normal ass dick?

And Nadia like, oh, of course. I mean, it's, it's, I mean, you don't care. There's still a, I have like, there's still a butthole. It was a person. There's a whole person attached to it. I, if that was really, if it was, my desire was so localized, I just go get one of those fucking latex Jennifer dolls. Right. Do you know what I mean? Yes, of course. And now they have men's ones. Of course they do. Jean, he's right in the living room. Like there's not one in there.

It's a whole thing I don't understand. Yeah, I think it's the porn. I mean, because I know, like, I have a regular butt, but there is something there. I've been with guys who have, like, extended backs, right?

Where there's like no gluteal protrusion whatsoever. I mean, that's good. It's a kind of a turnoff, but when they're sitting on your dick, it's fine. But also isn't it about the butthole? Well, that's where your, your dick goes inside. But that's where you should be honest. Imagine if some guy had a, like a big round butt and you're a top and you're like, yeah. And then you go to spread those cheeks and eat the booty like groceries and there's no butthole. And he goes, Oh yeah, I don't think I can have one. Like that's a time when you speak up and you be honest.

Imagine you digging and you go, oh, I don't think I can. I don't think you have a butthole. And he goes, I don't. That's weird. The point where the girl's at the doctor and she doesn't have a pussy. It's on the back of her neck. Did I show you that? Yes, you did. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. He fucks it and it comes out of her mouth. Let's take a break.

I got the official ask, the offer to go to Turkey. So a doctor reached out and said, hey, we would love to do your hairline. It was a facility. So they would fly me first class to...

um like go go do the surgery five-star hotel obviously like the the works and then yeah and then you know and to to help like um like propagate their business yeah to dispel like um to the not the room clarify like to show that it works and it could I don't think anyone has doubt that it works um because the reason we talk about it is because we go oh look his hairline I mean I think that there is there there are there is discussion in about like

Who is a candidate right like you know what I mean? How much hair do you need to have whatever whatever? Because I know a baldy. I know this bitch fucking my friend and um I saw in London or yeah in London He I saw I was like holy shit your fucking hair now that bitch went to Turkey. He was a bald ass bitch. Oh the Beckham Romeo Beckham. Yeah. Yeah. No, he was like balder than me. I

So we're super receded in bald spot, big balls, but mama full hair, hair down. Should we just model? No, because I'll tell you why I won't do it because a, I couldn't accept or deal with two hours of that healing process, extended long healing process. And also I have shitty hair.

I had shitty hair. I don't have good hair. The other problem is we do drag. Yeah, I don't want hair. It's very convenient to not have hair. Also, going to the hair salon, buying hair products, all that shit. It's a whole thing. Mary, this skull shaver for five minutes every other day. Love it. I know. Love it. It's so easy. I love it. The problem is I'm adjusted to the level of laziness that...

shaving my head offers me. I call it convenience. That's what I mean. I can't go back. No. Also, I didn't, I don't know what to go back to unless you're talking about extra, extra full Mario Lopez like fucking wig. Well, that's what I mean. For how much hair you and I have, it's not going to happen. It's not going to mean my hairline suddenly migrates to, it means I'm going to have, I'm going to look slightly less bald. Yeah. And also there's no guarantee. Also, there's no guarantee and you have to endure because I know everybody's done it. That, that,

After care recovery time, when it grows through, gets itchy, painful, falls out, regrowth, it's so long, it's so crazy, it's so nuts. I couldn't deal with it. It's not for me. It's not for me. Now, if we're talking about penile enlargements, if I could go from an acorn to a little baby carrot,

Now we got some business to talk about. But we're also men being male and being bald is easy. It's not an issue. It's very easy. It's funny. If I was a woman and I had like noticeable baldness, it'd be a completely different. It's a totally different issue. It's a different issue. Yeah. Yeah. But like I. Because the human eye is adjusted to bald men. Like we don't, we don't think, well, that's weird when you see a bald woman, part

Part of what makes it striking is like, you don't see many Baldwin. Oh, you think like, oh, maybe a chemo, maybe like, or, or like if striking, interesting, bold choice. Right. You know what I mean? Depending on the situation. There is something about women with shaved heads. Luckily when I went. Jody Turner, fucking whatever. Jody Turner Smith or whatever. Joshua Jackson's wife. The most stunning black woman ever. Holy shit. Yeah. I think of obviously like, um,

What's her name? Something Rose. Amber Rose. Oh, yeah. Stunning. Or obviously Jada. Yes. Stunning. But I mean, these are all gorgeous women. But Jada could have any hairstyle. Right, right, right. But Jodi, what is it? Jodi Turner. It helps to look like Jada Pinkett Smith. If you look like Jodi Turner Smith, literally one of the most beautiful women in the entire world. You're cool for the summer. Yeah, exactly. When I worked at the makeup counter, women would come in, when they made the jump of shaving their head, they would come in and they would often start wearing pink.

More or bigger jewelry and more makeup because I think for them the long hair was part of their feminine identity Yeah, so women would shave their heads and they'd be like that would be the catalyst for them to start wearing bright lipstick Okay lashes. Yeah, because it really does balance out a bald head. Yeah to have a nice face focus totally I mean I worked at the wig store and we had many a woman come in who was in the process of chemo and it was always interesting to see like, you know the the

There was the woman who was like, I need, okay, I have cancer. I'm starting treatment. I haven't started to lose my hair yet up until the, my hair is gone. I need wigs. And it was fascinating. It's very emotional.

Losing your hair is wild. Yeah. But then getting it back. Yeah. Which many of them do. I had women like come in to learn to draw on brows. Oh, right. Lashes. Lashes. Learning to put on lashes. Well, and gluing on lashes when you don't have any is a different struggle. You really have to kind of place them perfectly. Every day too.

Lashes for me every single time. I probably put on lashes a thousand times. It's not easy every time. Oh, I still have lash malfunction. Yeah, because it's also for drag queens the lifecycle of a lash a brand new lash is Different than I know I don't love a brand new lash level when you wear new lashes every time I do so you do love a brand new lash So what is the when I found out you were brand new lashes every time? That's when I realized

You were rich and you had lost touch and you weren't like us anymore. Then I drive a Rolls Royce and I hit homeless people with my car. Yeah, exactly. No, I, but I do, I cut them in half and I wear a little boo-boo lashes, little baby boo-boos. But, um, there it's tough because I have tiny little eyes. Do you wear bottoms at all?

No. Never. Never. You never even do like. I used to. Used to. But they. Even like a couple chunks just on the outer. I have. Don't you think that'd be like sexy? No. I have. Because you wear so much smoke on the bottom. I know. I have done that. But if I do a bottom lash, I do with such a huge top lash. Otherwise, I look like a droopy clown bitch. Do you know what I mean? Because my lashes, my eyes are so small. I don't have any space. You know? Oh. I want to do your makeup. I'm going to get micro-needled.

Yeah, you should. Yeah, I'm going to get a microneedle. Go to my guy. Wait, are you talking about microblading? Microblading, sorry. Microblading, microblading, microblading, microblading. Because when I have to shave off half the fucking eyebrow for drag, I look like whodunit and ran. And this is going to be like, it'll be all penciled in. Do you miss having, you want to have half eyebrows again? I'm almost there. You see them right now. Makes your life easier. I'm almost there. I almost look half human. Almost. But are you going to shave half again? Yes, but they'll be microbladed on.

The only problem is I think you can't wear makeup for two weeks while it heals. I think it's 10 days. No problem. I got a month off. Well, that's why I got my facial. Oh, they're right. No one. That's why I had three days off last weekend because of the facial thing. Right. It's the only time I have time off. You have to give your face a rest. You have to. You have to. When my skin starts to look good, I'm always like.

Look at me. And I'm like, it's a human being skin who doesn't wear makeup in a few days. Yes, exactly. It's drag is so gross. If you exercise and drink water and don't put makeup on, you'd be amazed. I have a makeup company, so I'm not saying you should wear makeup, but you'd be amazed what your skin is capable of. I mean, look at Amy Shrinkle. Yes. 42 doesn't wear concealer, doesn't wear face makeup. I know 65 years old. Wallace. How about this though? Have you ever tried to put on the brightest eyeshadow and unleashed your inner superhero? No.

I

I'm just going to say, if we're going to talk about the RuPaul Architectural Digest tour. No, we can't. We're not going to talk about it. We're not going to talk about it. I just want to say. We're not going to talk about it. I want to say that I watched it three times and I found new things every time. I'm going to say that after I watched it the first time, I had to lay down. I had to lay down flat on the sofa. But you know what though? Ooh, there we go. Any of those AD tours, and I've seen several. I've seen Dakota Johnson's. I've seen Kirsten Dunst's. I've seen them all. I've seen them all. They all have that effect on me. Mm-hmm.

Every single one is the wealth and the celebrity level, that sort of intimacy that they, I mean, it's staged intimacy. - Mama, let's talk about this. - It's staged, it's staged.

But you walk in and you, you walk in, you, you are the viewer. You feel like you are walking in and they're giving, that's the way they shoot it. They shoot it. Like someone's giving you a tour of their house. Like welcome into my home. And I love the series. I love it. And I love all the houses. Even the ones that are like the celebrity ones where they're all gray. I'm like, whatever. I still love it. I love all of them. I know for a fact that many of those homes are one of them. In fact, one of my favorite tours actually learned all that furniture was rented. Shit sold the house months before. Yeah.

Yeah. There's nothing. A lot of times they do it when they're trying to list the house. Oh yeah. I knew that. Yeah. But, and, um, it's all bullshit. It's all fake. It's all staged. It's all produced. I would do my new house. No, but I don't think it's, I think you need to be way richer than that. I think you need like, no, no, no, no, no. They do like, I mean, hi, I'm a, I'm Caroline, um, boo boo ville. And this, I'm an influencer in Brooklyn. Here's my life. 300 square foot, a Brownstone apartment. But, um, I love Gwyneth's.

That's what I mean. I love Gwyneth Paltrow. Bruce was crazy, but they're all crazy. They're all crazy. I mean, Gwyneth had a spa in her basement, a spa. She had steamworks in her basement.

She's on prep. It's nuts. Gwen is on prep. She's on Ozempic too. Ozempic and prep. But I loved her. Do you know Ozempic is injections? Yeah. Okay. Really thought it was a pill. Subcutaneous injections like in the fat. So if you want to lose weight, you have to be able to inject yourself? So I did HGH for like a few months. You did? I did. When? A couple years ago when I was at Laurel. Yeah. I had to do a skull crusher. No.

No, I did it for like two months. We had to bind my head like someone's feet. But the point is, it's a subcutaneous injection, which literally you take a pinch of a little thing of fat. The needle is so tiny, you can't even feel it. It's like I did on Amy's cat for insulin.

Mama, I didn't believe it either. I was so terrified. And then I did it. You can do it and you hardly even feel it. Somebody could do it while you slept. No joke. I get my STI screening every three months. Oh, that's a blood draw. And when they take my blood. No, that's a blood draw, mama. They're always like, are you okay? Are you good? And I go, yeah, I'm fine. And then they put the needle into the skin and I go. This is nothing. When they take your blood, what is your actual physical response? So I take a deep breath. I calm down and I.

I exhale as they go. I've had my blood drawn a lot. Mine is unintentionally theatrical. Oh, you do? It's always this arm and they go, all right. And most people don't want to look, so I usually look away. I usually look away as well. And when they do it, I go. Oh, my God. Oh.

- How about this one? - Oh my God, how about this one? Have they ever struggled to put in an IV and had to try three or four times? - Why don't I have collapsed veins like you, Jesse Pinkman? - Listen, no, no, no. I'm extremely vascular. - That was so mean. - That was so mean. I'm extremely vascular on most of the days. - See, that's a good vein. - So I was with a nurse who was not very good because those are like textbook veins. They could take your blood up your arm. Is that from exercise? - It's just been being vascular.

It's just been people who do marathons and stuff. They usually have like veiny. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, if I like let them if I like do a pump, they fucking bulge. It's disgusting. Like huge. Like like they're like a half inch above the skin. It's gross. Yeah. If I was in medical school, I would want your arm. Yes. You don't want your exact. Exactly. But there was a nurse who was very, very bad at her job. Lovely lady. Terrible fucking nurse who was torturing me.

torturing me until her supervisor came in and did it in a second. But in the meantime, I had to endure her sticking and not finding a vein to insert a port. When they don't find it, it's a different feeling. It's a very different fucking feeling. If something feels off, it feels off. It feels wrong. And also when she's getting flustered and I'm getting nervous and then it's getting a whole, it's a whole fucking, it's a nightmare and it's blood. But of course, not to defend anyone,

It's incredibly hard. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it either. I would never do it. I couldn't be a phlebotomist. Ross, who does my face. Ross, hello. Well, that's different. He missed my vein the other day and he's never missed it. And he goes, I never miss it. I can't believe I just missed it. And I had to go, I don't think it's in there. Yeah, I don't think it's in there. I don't think it's in there. And then he switched to the other arm. The other arm had a better vein. Yeah. Also, you have to have confidence.

There's you have to have confidence. Like I watched TikToks of medical students learning how to do that. And they have a little needle and they have like a sponge or piece of fruit or whatever. And they're just over and over again, sticking it just to get used to the. Yeah. Cause you can't, you can't hesitate. You can't hesitate. You go right in there. And there's Lori Ottinger, the nurse who did my thing. She's a, she's a registered nurse.

that she is so skilled her technique is so skilled but not to be dumb how do they not stab it into your vein and through the vein through the other side they just know they know how to do your vein not start squirting blood in your body it's it's all because it's because of the technology of the little needles stuff the human body is a mystery it's i watch a lot of car crash videos and

Twitter at crazy clips. Watch it all the time. It's just all fights and crashes, all fights and crashes. And I like get high and like watch that. I might take talk this close to my face and I go, Oh,

Oh, my God. And David's like, I'm trying to sleep. And I'm like, look. And it's a woman flying out of a windshield, like, in a head-on collision. And he's like, why are you watching this? Because I like to know stuff. You know, some people seek knowledge. I'm kind of like Homer or, like, you know. Yeah, like, I'm kind of like a philosopher. But, like, on Twitter. So.

I forgot what I was saying. Car crash. Oh, car crashes. Right. I'll watch some car crashes where a lot of times in the chat under the video, it'd be like, oh, this person died. Rest in peace. And then some other video where something 10 times as crazy happens. And it'll be like, this bitch is fine. Baskin Robbins. She's fine. Wow. Fuck. I don't want to be in a car crash. Package thieves.

I've watched a lot of videos. Oh, of the videos. Me too. Of package thieves. You have seen them as well. And some people don't get them. Don't steal from some people or they will launch a plan to catch you in the act. So many videos of people catching them. And what do they do? Mary, some of some people are making the packages explode.

And then they run out off their porch and go, told you not to touch my packages, you fucking bitch. Oh, that's crazy. It's crazy. That's crazy. Or they wait till they grab the package. And then like they run out of the neighbor's garage and tackle them. And they're like, that's my house, bitch. And they call the police, which I love because there's murder. There's, you know, terrorism, whatever. Then there's package stealing.

So you steal someone's package from Amazon? It's on site. The firing squad. It's on site. Don't steal packages. Just don't steal mail. But also don't steal packages. And also don't go to the trouble of doing exploding package entrapment techniques.

That's too far. That's too far. Because now we're trying to injure people because they stole what? Booby traps. Was this Yellow Jackets? Is it Home Alone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Macaulay Culkin comes out. But they're digging trenches. They're laying leaves over it. And they're trying to get you in a 12-foot pit. And they're going to leave you on there to starve to death. That's what that exploding package energy has. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. Exploding packages? All right. Well, on that note, I think we should explode this episode and finish it. Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

I'm not done. I have a lot more to fucking talk about. I don't like being silenced. Is it podcast? Don't silence women. Don't silence women. Women's stories matter. Women's stories matter. They just matter. Now, this building, we've had packages stolen. Well, because you have that foyer. I know. That easy access foyer. My new house.

Because there's a wall around the property. The packages, they just throw them over the wall. No one can get in there. We never have missing packages. I love that. Thank God. Yeah. Well, wait until you get my little mini tramp. And I do a little round off back handspring. Boom, over the fence. Through the trees. Who will be laughing then? Mama, over the trees. Hello. I got to figure out my fountain in my front yard. Right now it's bright green. Let's get it blue.

I'm going to have to dump on all the water. Welcome to home ownership. This isn't important. I guess we can end. Final thought. Final thought. I want to install a 25 foot tumble track with a crash pad on the top level of my deck. See, that worries me. And I have done all the research. I know the install. I know the specs. It will work. You got to dig into the ground, obviously. Nope. It's a Porta track. It's 16 inches high. It's solid firm. It's...

Portable and very stable. It can go right over the deck. A 12 foot crash pad. Very safe. So I have a few issues here. Number one, this is the top of a mountain. Absolutely. So if you did fall off that, you're going down a hill. No, there is. I'm going. So there are railings.

Okay. They're railings. You don't think you can fly over a trampoline? Of course I can, but I am an experienced tumbler. I go front, I go back. I don't do side to side, Mary. Mary, you had a hip replacement from walking. It has nothing to do with it. But not from jumping. You think 45 is the age and living alone. 45 and living alone. Let's install a murder track so that I can off myself.

Oh, I see where this is going now. Okay. Tragedy struck unexpectedly when local non-gymnast Katya was doing gymnastics in her backyard. When aging tweaker. Aging tweaker. Off deck. Oh, there ain't no other way. She got on deck and then she got off deck, honey.

Can we stop? It's too much. It's too much. It's too much. Off deck.

Fuck.