Proper Posterior Grooming Techniques with Trixie and Katya
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Bro, bro, bro, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

We are going to stand outside at this festival and I'm going to sing this song. I don't drink any milk because of the mucus. That was not Celine. That was fun. I don't know who. That was Celine. Celine. That was Celine Dion. Celine Dion. Celine Dijon. It was Celine Dijon. Love to go to Canada. Oh my God. Our friends to the North. It's like a bizarre version of America where people- Are nice. Well-

I'm not saying they don't have their problems. Looking at you, Justin Trudeau. They don't have as many shootings and stuff. No, but they have a lot of snowplow accidents. And people love to be like, in Canada, we don't lock their doors. People who don't lock their doors don't tell people about it. I don't even lock my doors. I know. I only started saying it after I started locking. Yes. Yeah.

Mama. Mama. Sweetie, darling. Honey. Can I talk to you about something? What? The locking the door doors, locking them. Hey, what's up with that? All my doors have locks on them. What's up with that? We're talking about boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Oh, key codes? Like these locks that are like they can be accessed remotely. Love it.

Yeah, when they work. I have doorbird. And when somebody... Doorbird. Today's episode is brought to you by door... No. I have doorbird. And when we have a package and I'm not home, I see a camera of who's there. I see a guy with a package and I go, hi, you can come on in and leave at the door. And they go, thank you. The door unlocks. They walk in. I can see them leave the package and leave. So you could be in San Francisco. Anywhere. Belgium. Belgium. Canada. Belgique. Belgique. Remember that lady yelling France? France.

Turkey. Yeah.

What was she going through? I think she was excited because, you know, when you talk about the vocal tract, it's all smooth muscle and smooth muscle like that can be very involuntary. Smooth muscle is by nature involuntary. Because everything gets heightened and clenched, which is why people are singing and they're nervous. They clench. That happens to me all the time on stage. I clench and then I crack and then it's a whole thing. I clench and I crack. But then the audience loves you. Oh!

I received an insane compliment this morning. What? Can I tell you? Sure. Can I celebrate a success on the pod? Hold on. Let me do it. Can you for one second not dog pile on me and let me have one thing? Can I just crack my drink and get it? That's my favorite color red bowl, the yellow one. Was it called pineapple or mango or tropical? Sip it. Tell us how it tastes. Hold on. I love the yellow one. Ambergris. The best when someone goes- Liquid gold. Did you want sugar free? I said, what are we doing here? Mama, if you- You also sucked dick with a condom on? If-

Thank you. Like that's what's happening. That is the perfect. That is it. Do you suck cock with a condom on? That is it. That is it. Girl. That is the perfect analogy. I talked about this in one of my shows. Diet Coke, sugar-free Red Bull. Why don't you get that big schlong out here and double bag it before you. Not Diet Coke. That's different. Diet Coke's lovely.

Because sometimes you want that little burn without all that sugar. Okay. I don't drink normal Coke. I think that's disgusting.

Diet. Okay. Diet. Diet. Dietina. I don't know about Miss Diet. Have you ever seen, you know, Delta Work? Yeah. She has her podcast, Very Delta, and she'll have guests on and they'll talk about Diet Coke versus Diet Pepsi. Oh, my. And when someone says they prefer Diet Pepsi, her eyes. You get out of here. She says it. She'll go, now tell me why. Just tell me why you prefer it. I'm just curious. It's like she's on the verge of gunning them down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Any last words before I strangle you to death? Yeah. There's one person I don't want mad at me. It's Delta. It's Diabolical.

Diet Pepsi is diabolical. What's going on with that? The fruits of the devil. What's going on with that? I'm already mad about Pepsi and now you're going to give me diet? Mama, you might as well just get that dead cat and squeeze its fucking mung juice. Mung it. Mung it right into this mouth. Mung it into my ma. Yeah. Mung, mung. Mung, mung, mung, mung, mung, mung. I talked about this in one of my shows, but- Wait, where's the compliment? Where's the compliment? I'll get to it.

But one time at the doctor, the doctor said, are you having sex? And I said, no, just oral. And the doctor said, well, oral sex is sex. And I said, well, if oral sex is sex, I guess what's been happening to my assholes on murder suicide. I don't know what to tell you. I'm not sucking cock with a bag over it, bitch. You think I grave robbed to look at the jewelry?

Like, if we're gonna do it, let's do it. I know. Call in my mouth and give me the fucking full fat Red Bull, bitch. Thank you. I don't fix my mouth to that corpse's butthole and have my friend jump on the stomach not to just pull away at the last minute, honey. I get all that mung up in there. Get the mung. Forever mung and eternally wonderful. Ha ha ha ha!

Forever Monk. Forever Monk. Yeah. Woke up to a compliment. Tell me about it. Woke up to a compliment. What happened? I have, I'm text friends with Sia, the artist Sia. Okay. Music Sia. She loves drag. Music Sia. World famous musical icon singer, wig wearer. Yeah, yeah. She's watching Trixie Motel and she told me, she said, who wrote the theme song? I love it. I said, I did to save us some money.

And then she said, maybe it actually, you know, now that it's coming out, it might be a read. She was like, if you guys do a season two, let me know. I would love to help with the song. So maybe it's actually turning into a read. But I think it was a compliment. But I'm obsessed with reading bad movie reviews. I love it. That's why I love The Whale. Every piece of the, every, you know, even- People don't like The Whale. But why does it win awards?

Well, that's a great question. Well, first of all, it's payola. And second of all, it's an academy. It's an academy of... It's drag pageants. They're saying it's her year. Exactly. It's a ghoulish, incestuous political machine that we don't really know how it works. And it's just like...

Didn't RuPaul present at the Oscar? No, RuPaul played the Emmy. Do you remember when RuPaul played the Emmy? Yes, with Jimmy Kimmel. That was fabulous. Playing the Emmy. Mama, that's better than getting the Emmy. Well, you know who was close to that? Emmy Rossum. Of course. And she thought, well, I'm Emmy. It's a shoe-in. And then RuPaul said, actually, not really. Not really. RuPaul came in about six feet taller than her. And put that shoe right on her throat.

Have you ever seen the movie Anaconda with Jennifer Lopez? I sure the fuck have. And guess where I watched it? At Margaritaville. When you were doing Trixie Motel? Margaritaville. Yep. At the bar, eating a steak, a horrible steak. I was at the bar glued to the TV for two fucking hours watching Anaconda. Anaconda. Love that when you came to film Trixie Motel, I had COVID.

And you didn't get it. Do you remember that? I like got COVID the next day. I was, I feel so, in retrospect, I felt like such a fucking asshole because I was sure I had it. Because I was in bed with you. Tongue kissing you. Yeah. You know what I mean? I was like, there's no way I don't have it. But you can't get it from fucking yourself with my foot. That's true. With acrylics on my toes.

Do people get acrylic toenails? Is that stupid? No, they do. They sure for the fuck do. Do people do press on toenails? Absolutely. Of course they do. I bought them. I have worn them many a time. I bought them as a last resort because of the thumbnail not being big enough. I was going to say, yeah, you can use a thumb. You can use a toe for a thumb.

And sometimes I'll use the baby toenails as like a jewelry. And if I feel like I find, if I, if I'm breathing on my nose too much, I put them up. I just block. I use a little block here. When you're straight guys. And then I have to just mouth breathe for the rest of the day. So I get my lips nice and dry. I got to shave my ass.

Oh my God, I just did that last night. Well, there's always this period where it's long and you would think, God, how can your body be bald up here, but grow six foot long toothbrush bristles out of this region. I'm gonna talk to Bob Hoskins. Talk to Bob Hoskins. And I do. You do. I three-way text him with CF. Me, C and Bob Hoskins. So you shaved your asshole. No, I need to, because it gets to the point where it's Stephen King's in the tall grass.

And I'm Patrick. Well, I'm not even Patrick Wilson. I'm like. You're the tall grass. I'm the tall grass. Yeah, yeah. You're that rock. But then I have to, if I'm going to shave it, it's usually because for like a week I'll go like, I'm going to do some bare legs drag shit. So if I'm going to cut it, I might as well shave everything. I agree. So then I'll shave everything. And then for like two weeks, I'll wear one pair of tights and feel my zhuzh. Actually, I can get a few weeks in with just like that short bristles. And nobody knows. Absolutely. But for that first like week or so, when everything shaved to the skin. It's pussy Cantina McHi. Hi.

There's like an eight hour period where you're like, am I butter? Is my whole body butter? You get in the sheets and you're like, did I piss? Or that's just what sheets feel like on your legs. Wait a minute. Is that a wet pussy? Is that a wet fuckable pussy? Oh shit, am I having a period right now? My labia are puffy. Right, right. Wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet, wet. This clit is throbbing. Throbbing. Red, purple. Throbbing. Purple, purple, purple. I got to squeeze it.

Like a fucking Concord grape. Put it in a juicer, bitch. Put it in a ninja. Put my clit in a ninja. Clit in the ninja. So then you shave it and then everything's... And then there's the dark period, which is sort of like a six day period where everything's bristling and new. It's... Things are ingrown or not ingrown. Things are red because when you cut a hair strand...

and it grows out, it's growing out sharp because you sliced the hair at an angle. I mean, any hairstylist will tell you, you can get slivers from people's hair. Oh, absolutely.

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So then I got to wait like a few weeks for it to grow to that like porn length where you have hair everywhere, but it's this long. Yeah. I suppose I could like namaste on the floor and just buzz it with a lawnmower. So here's what you got to do. You got to do, you got to buzz every, like you only want to shave the hole. Because the butthole is hard. The butthole is like not going to, the butthole around the butthole itself is not going to get. You don't want that razor cut.

You don't want that Gillette Mach 3 up against your hole. Oh, no. Yes, you do. You do. Au contraire, honey. But then it's going to grow in all sharp and crazy. No, no, no, no, no. What you want to avoid is doing that on the cheeks around the hole. Because that's where the real, that's where a hammer time comes in. That's where the danger begins. Because that's where you're sitting down. You're not sitting on your asshole. You feel it. When you sit on a freshly shaved ass a few days later, you're like, oh.

Is that razors? Oh, yeah. Am I sitting on a bunch of needles? Cause I tossed in a vat of needles. Mary, I got a movie for you. If you love saw. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. I'm not done. You got to go get, get to get your fucking whole sugared sugar waxed baby sugar. And can they do that at like Trejo's donuts or they do it at Trader Joe's from three to five. Interesting hour in the wine section, the sampling, you have to go like this.

No, but no, seriously. And apparently it's a less painful, more effective form of waxing. I mean, what you really want to do is electrology, electrolysis laser. But I like having a hairy butt. Well, there you go. So why don't you... I don't want Rosemary's car wash.

I think of those big flapping turning things. I just want astroturf. You know what I mean? I want like a nice uniform, short hair. I want to be a short hair domestic cat. Yes, you want to be a short hair chihuahua down there. I don't want...

a hairless Sphinx, I don't want one of those scrunchy face long hair. I want a domestic short hair. Easy. You buzz with a clipper, the cheeks that, you know, if there's anything there like the up in the crack of the cheeks, but then the whole, you can shave with a Bic smooth so that your man friend can enjoy doing. You think I'm using a Bic on my butthole? No offense to Bic,

No, Gillette Mach 3. Gillette Mach 3 comfort grip, honey. Absolutely. Schick Ultra Glide. Or I'm not going to lie, those Manscaped, when they made those shorthanded razors for when you're doing close shapes. Oh, sure. Nice little shorthanded razor for the head. I tried. So this fun fact, you know, my little skull shaver, the ba-ba-da, ba-ba-da, ba-ba-da. Are your thoughts changing on it? No, not up here. No, I'm squarely on board still. You tried to do it. Where did you try to do it? Well, let me tell you where I tried to do it.

I tried to do it on my derriere and it worked in the sense that it got, it got like, it was like smooth on the cheeks, but then. Irritation. But then an evil started. Irritation. Yeah. There was, you know, it was like the calm before the storm. And then in the eye of the storm, there was nothing but pure evil.

I can't use one of those. My grandpa always used it with like the three circles. Yeah, that's what that is. That makes my face itch like you couldn't believe. Yeah, I think you have to get acclimated to that. I don't have that kind of time. I don't either, mama. Fuck that shit. Plus, get in the shower. All the hairs go down the drain. If you are male or a hairy person and you're shaving your face and you're using electric shavers, those pieces fly everywhere. Your bathroom gets disgusting in two seconds.

No, no, no, they go inside the electric shaver. You hope no, no they do. Well, I mean on this one anyways, are you working for the government? I'm working for the FBI, right? It seems like you're kind of insider trading here. Yeah, I'm gonna find out that you own like 51% of some butthole shaver company think I own 51% of anything Mary nobody it's so true, but the um, so I I did shave my asshole for the very expressed Reason that is

I fucking shoved a huge ass fucking double, not double dong, but a dildo up there again. And why do you need the hair gone to do that? Oh, because it's just, it's first it's hygiene. It's also, it's priming the pump. Yeah. It's priming the pump. I like it to be, I like to feel, you know, fresh and clean and ready and sensual and erotic and all that stuff. And it's owning a home is a gateway to becoming yourself.

Owning a home is a gateway to becoming yourself. Because living alone is fine. But then you got neighbors, you got a landlord. Owning, that's when you piss on the floor in your own house. What did I talk about? I know. I threw away the shorts today though, because I realized I left them in there and they smell like pee pee. That'll happen. Yeah. I want to talk to you about this. So I got my two jeweled butt plugs. One is very heavy. One is not. Now, do you like, why can I just, I don't want to be closed minded. Then don't be.

Do people like the, you like the look of someone turning around a little fucking, a little fucking troll jewel poking out of their ass? - There's nothing little about this jewel honey. This is the hope diamond. - This isn't Gringotts. - This is the jewel of the ocean, the jewel of the Nile. This is the heart of the ocean. It's like the hope diamond. It's like that big. - It's a hopeless diamond. It's a no hope diamond. - Wait, what color? - It's a conflict, it's a blood diamond.

When you pull it out, it's a blood diamond. Well, I have AB. So in the light one, the hot, like the stainless steel, AB crystal is the light one. But then the heavy one, she's about mama. She's like three pounds. Shit. It's solid, solid steel. Heavy. We're like, Ooh, if it hits the fight one day, I was had in there for a little too long. I stood up to go do something. I forgot. Wait a minute. How long are you leaving it in there?

Is this sex related? Absolutely. But I, is this stupid? I had it in there while I was working out. Is this stupid? Do people do that? Do people do that outside of sex to like stretch their butthole? Ask Winnie mama. Ask, oh, to stretch. But why are you doing it outside of a sex environment? Because A, it's titillating. B, all the time. It's the right. No, not all the time. I don't do it to the grocery store. I do wear it to the gas station.

No, but I like, I had, so I had it in, okay, let me just paint the picture real quick. - Paint something. Clarify. - I had it in my butt. Do, do, do, do, do. Boo. Okay. Then I was like, eh, I'm gonna go downstairs and work out.

So I kept it in there and it was an interesting experience because this was a heavy one. So it was kind of like, it was kind of like the sphincter, you know, the jade egg. It was like, yeah, the noni egg, the pelvic floor toning. And it was like funny because I sneezed at one point. You know what happened? The shootout? Yeah, it shot out. It hit the ground like an anchor. It hit the ground like a fucking scud missile over Baghdad.

So when people say like, you know, the old ball and chain for you, it's, it's the old jeweled butt plug. Yeah. Yeah. It's great though. But anyway, so magnetic, I get that. No magnetic, real metal. Do I have iron in my ass? Is it metal? It's stainless steel, but I could stick a magnet to it. It's stainless steel. I could stick a refrigerator magnet to it. You could pull it out of my ass with a fucking Acme magnet, like in looney tits. That's what I'm talking about. All right. You think you, I, okay. So you think you control me?

You could control me. Someone has to, apparently. We need to reel you in. You've said, you know what? I'm going to become a vascular 47-year-old bottom, and I'm going to start with kitchen appliances. Bigger than this. I know we talked about this before. I'm trying to... What about the Chipotle candle?

It's a little smaller than that. A little thinner this way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was in your butt? In my butt. And not only in my butt, feeling lovely gal. You know what I see for you? Magda. Something about Mary. By the way, you want to talk movies that I haven't seen in a while that some of the material shocked me? Yes, I do. There's something about Mary. What is it about Mary that happened? What doesn't happen in that movie? By the way, Matt Dillon. Really? Wild Things? You've seen Wild Things? No.

Well, mama, you will not for a while. Thanks. Let's get your girl. Nevin there. Oh, Denise Richards, bitch. Oh, I got the three of them. We're on the front there. Lesby friends. Something about Mary. Um,

Wait, wait. They come in there? Well, first of all, Cameron Diaz as Mary is just, oh my God. It's a movie where everyone's in love with her and of course they are. She's so amazing. She's very magnetic. And I love Ben Stiller. And I love Matt Dillon. And Brett Favre is in it. The guy from Schitt's Creek who plays... Eugene Levy? No, their neighbor, Roland. Pookie Robinson? Roland...

From Schitt's Creek. Chris Elliott's in it. Oh, Chris Elliott. He's very funny. Harland. I forget what his last name is. Maybe Harland Williams. He's a Canadian comedian who was in the movie Rocket Man. He's in it. It's a great cast. I'll just say that Cameron, Mary's brother has Down syndrome and that's fodder throughout the film. Oh,

Granted, everybody who makes that fodder is being portrayed as a bad person. Okay. It's not good people making these. Jesus Christ. I was like, I haven't seen this movie in like 15 years. I was like, oh, movies were different. Yeah. Movies were different. Yeah. It's like I told you when I was at that screening of the 25th anniversary of Hairspray and Ricky Lake throws the R word. I've never seen a crowd more pin drop silent. Like a hush went over the crowd. It was wild. Yeah.

But again, good thing. No, yeah. It's good to be like, that's horrible. It's good thing we don't do that anymore. By the way, speaking of Hairspray, Nina West invited me to the Dolby Theater to come see the LA premiere of Hairspray on May 2nd? April 2nd? Interesting. I'm going to go. Love Hairspray. Invited David Silver. He said he'd go. So David Silver put on the movie the other day.

We got to talk about fucking John Travolta, bitch. I haven't seen that movie in so long. Oh, I haven't seen that. John Travolta in that movie? I haven't seen the one. You've never seen Hairspray? I've seen the OG Hairspray, of course. You've never seen the musical with Michelle Pfeiffer, John Travolta? No, no. There's so much good. Nikki Blonsky? Yes. First of all, Nikki Blonsky is incredible. Kills it. She's amazing. She's hilarious. She's funny. Her voice is beautiful. She absolutely kills it. I mean, I know she's not exactly...

winning a primetime Emmy in 2023. Whatever. But if you're going to have a major career moment, she turned that movie. Great. She turned that movie. Let's talk about Ms. Michelle Pfeiffer.

She plays a horrible racist on a 60s television. Love it. I think she's the blondie Debbie Harry role. She's amazing. The wigs in this movie, amazing. The wigs are amazing. What about Miss Travolta's prosthetic? Honey? What about Miss Travolta's? I'm going to do a good first. Amanda Bynes. That movie made me just miss her so much. She's so good. She plays Penny. She's so good in it. Everybody's good in it. Queen Latifah's good in it. The guy who plays Seaweed is good in it. Everybody's good. Who's Connie Collins? James.

James Marsden. James Marsden. He's so hot and good. Yeah, he's so hot. And John Travolta. And then Miss Travolta. Miss Johnalina Travolta. Well, first of all, it's a Baltimore accent, which I guess I'm not qualified, even though I am a dialect coach, I'm not qualified to say who's good at a Baltimore accent because my other point of reference is Raymond and Carney Marbles, the filthiest people alive. Or in American Horror Story, Freak Show.

Kathy Bates. No. The warder. She's that. No way. So John Travolta being like, turn that racket down, Tracy. My dog pill's wearing off. I'm like, what? Also, he is looking like a dog. Like a dog pill is wearing off. He looks like a German shepherd shrink-wrapped in human skin. And it's fun that we have John Travolta and Michelle Pfeiffer, people who are movie musical icons. It's fun to have them in a movie musical. Of course.

John Travolta is the... I used to think it was so crazy that he played that. And it's so weird and debatably bad. Now watching it, it's so off the rocker crazy that I can't imagine it any other way. When Kirstie Alley died, I rewatched Fat Actress, which I think is one season and only eight episodes. And he's in it for a second. And I was like, God, he...

in that era like he's so he's very handsome man in his younger years i love christy ellie i know she has her own issues that fat actor show wasn't great i loved her and look who's talking yes that was great i love when people are good at things but i don't like when off off stage they are a little wild later in life james woods christy swanson who's dean kane these are all like heavily um conservative that guy from growing pains trumpers yeah i don't like that that's stupid

but you know holly weird it really gets to you the lamestream media i can't believe we give people all this money and power and expect them to think and behave the same way as the rest of us i'm disappointed yeah i'm devastated in fact anyway john travolta and here's you gotta watch it the prosthetics the outfits you keep having to go that's john travolta

It's just so, I mean, divine was so fabulous in that role. I mean, it's, it's interesting because I watch almost all of John, John Waters' movies and,

Started with pink flamingos. Mm-hmm. It's a hard movie to watch. Yeah, I know it's iconic Yes, I'm good to watch it once once. Yeah. Yeah, I probably watched it twice. I mean, it's hard to get through It's it's you know, whatever it's it's disgusting. It's Badly acted it's tough - it's a slog in a lot of ways. She eats that shit Mary I know I know she eats that shot and they cut that chicken Mary they fuck that you fuck that dead chicken. They fuck that chicken and

And then, no, the live chicken. That chicken is alive, honey. Don't they cut that off? No, no, no. They're fucking it when it's like struggling. It's gross. But then you have polyester, hairspray. Love polyester. These movies, they're PG movies that are so, so, but like these PG movies are like so well done. Serial Mom? Serial Mom's incredible. So fabulous. Kathleen Turner turns that movie out. Turns it. So great. Pussy Willow.

Hairspray that motherfucker got our ICH from that shit our ICH that musical so good though I can't wait to see Nina in it when you and I were traveling the country We played some venues where she was in Indianapolis, right? Yeah, she's this big poster. I bet she's amazing Yeah, I'm sure she is or by the way, she of course is playing an unattractive mom so Nina's always making her tick tocks top of show when her characters in like rollers and

a nightgown and the makeup they have her in isn't it's not drag race runway okay it's garage it's mom it's it's a mom who hasn't left the house okay so nina's always doing these like tick tocks and her edna turnblad makeup and i'm like scrolling scrolling and i'm like oh well i mean think remember divine j had that slicked like nasty like i mean she looked right and divine playing a woman she's playing a woman believable

Yes. 100% believable. Ms. Travolta, on the other hand, we have to employ a little suspension of disbelief, I think. We have to recast Hairspray. Perfect. Okay. Well, in this particular musical, the race in casting, the body type in casting, these things matter. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. So we have to cast...

It's the 60s. Okay. So Tracy has to be at least somebody willing to gain a quite amount of weight. Tracy's Beanie Feldstein. Love. Beanie Feldstein. Love. Edna is. John Travolta. Margo Martindale. It has to be a man. It's a drag queen. No, it doesn't. And out. Oh, we can get and out. And out. Yeah. Well, don't you think we should get, honestly, we should get James Corden. We should get James Corden and throw him into a wood chipper.

How about... Oh, Bruce Valanche. Wait, didn't they do... I was going to say Jennifer Hudson for Motormouth Maybell. Didn't she play her on television when they did the live Hairspray Live? Might have been. Well, did you watch it? You didn't watch Hairspray Live. No. You don't see the type. I love Hairspray. I know it's corny as fuck. I love Hairspray. Hairspray, the movie is not corny. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. The musical's great. But isn't...

I mean the musical Hairspray. I love it. I know it's corny, tired, and played out. What do they sing about? They sing about, have you ever seen the movie? So you know what they sing about. It's the plot of the movie. Okay. What else would they be singing about? I don't know. Current events? Aquanet got to be glued. There is a song about Hairspray. Okay.

I mean, the movie is so smart. So fabulous. It's so transgressive. And Debbie Harry. In those wigs. Deborah Harry. God, the costumes. That's fabulous. And Rikki Lake. Rikki Lake. She's so magnetic. Yeah. Such a sweetheart. And obviously, I have the original Broadway cast. Marissa Jarrett Winokur eats that shit up, girl. How about, how about, we have to, you've seen The Witches of Eastwick. Of course. Let's recast that. Love. Okay. Okay.

So we need a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. And a jack. I want the jack to be... The guy who plays Voldemort. He was in the menu. Ralph Fiennes. Love him. Is that his name? Ralph Fiennes. Okay. He'd be great. He'd be a great devil. Yeah, the great devil. He's supposed to be kind of dumpy, but something weirdly sexual about him. Yeah. You know, he's supposed to be not attractive, but they want to fuck him. Yeah, he's very charismatic, but he looks kind of like a...

By the way, that movie, that tennis scene, love. I love the movie so much. It's amazing. Veronica Cartwright. Horse. Dildos. Dildos. Alien or course. Spanish flies. She's so fierce. I have nothing against a good fuck, but there is evil here and someone needs to do something about it.

Veronica. So unbelievable. Choose the shit out of every fucking scene. She said, Oh, Clyde, honey, I think I broke my leg. I think I broke my leg. So fucking funny.

And the soundtrack's great. Yeah. So good. And then, you know, and funny, I've probably mentioned this before, but the other scene I love when they make a voodoo doll of him and he's trying to get home from town. Yeah. Flying all over the place. Feathers. Incredible. And they, guess what? They filmed a lot of the, so his mansion, they filmed at the Wang Center where we were in Boston. Really? Yeah. The interiors of, is the lobby of the Wang Center of his mansion. Yeah.

It's supposed to be Massachusetts, right? Yeah, it's Lennox. It's supposed to be in Eastwick. It was Ipswich, Massachusetts. Ipswich. It's supposed to be Eastwick. Yeah. Oh, wait. Which is of Eastwick. Where is Eastwick? It's fictional, but it was filmed in Ipswich, Massachusetts. And then in the Wang Center. Pretty. Oh, yeah. We played the Wang Center. It's so beautiful. It was beautiful. So beautiful. You know what I love? What? Not doing that show.

Mama, let me tell you something about it. Girl. Let me tell you something about it. I got those costumes sealed. Girl, dry cleaned and sealed in the... I have them bound up in the closet like Dory and Corey. Sarcophagi. Girl, girl. Tutankhamen. I have them preserved in the Smithsonian of my ass. I never want to see them again. They are locked and loaded and ready to be dropped into the ocean. And by the way, you would think like...

I don't remember all the lines. I think my brain dumped that. My brain started putting things in the shredder the day of. Oh, mama, mama, mama, mama. We started forgetting lines on stage last show. You started to empty the hard drive two weeks. During. Two weeks before. It was so funny to watch. The last few shows, I kept having to be like, I don't know what's going on. I totally got it. I was like, yeah, it's like we're clearing up space in the hard drive because it's phasing it out. Quiet quitting. Girl, my brain was quiet quitting on that show. Loved doing it. But like anything, after a year, you're like,

Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, I've been in the studio making new costumes with such verve and excitement, new fabrics, new cuts, new lovelies, new shitties, new yuckies, new horribles. It's great. And there's something missing from getting in drag when it's the same costume every day.

Being able to select an outfit, select a hair, select an eyeshadow. Or change something. I got to feel something. Yes. I got to put something together. Yeah. Violet always talks about that. She's like, I need something new. Even if it's just an earring. I totally get it. That's why I usually bring too much jewelry or too many wigs or whatever. Because I need something. I have to do something different. Yeah.

Oh, it's rotten. Well, last thing, Mary. So I'm trying to get the, I'm trying to get this fucking hip ripped out of my body, right? Yeah. What's going on with that girl? It's horrible. It's, it's, it's Ratina. It's Ratina Wesley. Every day hurts all the time hurts right now. So the orthopedic surgeon's not available till May 3rd. So I call this other second opinion, hip replacement, back alley, whatever. I get an appointment with them. I get another referral from my doctor. I call them today. I have to be over 50.

You have to physically, so we have to what? Fake your birth certificate or what? I told them, I was like, can I have your name and number, my phone number? They punched me in the system. They're like, oh, sweetie, you're 40. I was like, yeah, I know. Like we only do geriatric. I was like, what?

50? I was like, but I need a hip rep. You don't understand. In drag, I'm 70. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I work in an industry where everyone's 11. Wear and tear. Yeah, yeah. I'm 85 years old. Blair St. Clair is old in this industry. I'm hospice ready. Girl. So it was just so frustrating. I need to just find some. Is anybody out there? Listen, anybody out there with an MD or maybe you're about pre-med. Maybe you're just fine. Pre-med with a scalpel. You want to hack this thing off and put another one in there?

Comment below because I'm ready to get this thing cracking. Not to be dumb, but the femur, the hip, right? The hip has that ball. Yes. And that's what rotates, right? Yeah. So is that what's hurting you? That ball thing? I have what's called femoral acetabular impingement.

And so it's where there's a structural abnormality, a structural abnormality in the socket of the joint and the ball. So there's a grinding plus there's arthritis. So it feels like there's ball bearing metal grinding when I move my hip like this. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

This fine. Are you actually going to be able to tour again in your lifetime? Well, now I have a thing and I'm supposed to go to Drag Expo in May. Oh, yes, yes, yes. I'm going to be able to tour to the podcast. But you're going to have to either get that op-ed on. No, the hip, thankfully, is the easiest of all the joints. Knees, shoulders, hips. Anybody would tell you, any physical therapist or doctor would tell you, this is the easiest, simplest thing.

one to do and hey it doesn't inhibit uh your hands like if imagine it was your shoulders no you have one arm for six weeks or a knee the knee is horrible horrible and you know not to be old listen to this on the susie ormond podcast

the healing process, you have to be so overly patient. 'Cause if you get too fierce, you have to wait for that thing to grow back better and then you can use it. - Yeah. I'm very thankful for my shoulder. I have great shoulders, great wrists, great ankles, cankles, great knees. It's just this fucking hip that's gotta go. But Calgon, take it away. Susie Orman, can you come cut this thing out of me, you les?

All right. Well, in that case, and anyway. Honestly, it's an extra, not to be gratitude because I know that's like really cringe, but. It's not cringe to be grateful. It's not cringe to be grateful. Okay. It's good to be grateful. But like every part of your body that works,

you just take it for granted we all do and then when something's not working chronic pain you realize how closely linked chronic brain and depression this close i cried on the other i called my brother who's a physical therapist and i was just i was going to chat with him and then all of a sudden i started crying that's what i mean people who have chronic pain they just god it sucks it sucks so bad literally i was down stretching i started kissing my body doing this

Yeah. Hugging, kissing on myself. Was this when you peed? This is right before I peed. I said, and then I said, fuck you, bitch. All right. You're going to get it. You're going to get the surgery. Yeah, I hope so. I hope they go a little too far. I was going to say, if you were going to get a surgery below the belt, I always thought. Well, maybe there's a BOGO situation. A Groupon. Yeah. Anybody else out there with a bad hip? Call in. Yeah. Call in. Let us know. And we're standing by.

And thank you so much. By the way, great for having that young boyfriend you had. Yeah, my boyfriend's 23 and I have a bad hip.

It's giving very Hollywood Hills, giving very intergenerational love. It's giving very Hugh Hefner up in here. It's giving very Tom Daley, Dustin Lance Black. Jerry Weintraub, 15 years old in Boca. That's all I'm going to say. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.