Revisiting Glory Holes & Catsup with Jeff Maccubbin & Ron Hill
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Well, welcome back to The Bald and the Beautiful today. We are here with, um... I... Well, I don't know who they are. We are here with the people... Oh, it's like, um, we're the ventriloquists and these are the Geppettos.

Like Pinocchio and Geppetto, right? Wait, do you know what I'm talking about? I know. So Geppetto makes the puppets. Behind every great woman is an even better man. That's sexist. Yes. What isn't Rasputin puppets? Rasputin, isn't that his name? Oh, what is it called? Svengali. You're the Svengali to our stars on...

I'll take it. Yes. It's a person who like controls you, influences you. Something you need to know about us is all of our references are current. Current in the zeitgeist. Rasputin, Zangali. Basically, we're here with Jeff McCubbin and Ron Hill, who are the superstar editors of our wonderful web show, Un.

And today we're going to be in a takedown piece of ourselves. Yeah. Because we get all the credit for this show and we don't deserve it. Mama, we don't do jack shit. Nothing. Sometimes I do less than nothing. And then you guys have to fucking wizard that shit into gold.

What's the most shocking? Oh, God. I don't think you guys give yourself enough credit. I know. I'm guilty of that. She gives herself plenty of credit. I don't deserve it. We haven't canceled in a while. That's big. Showing up is 100% of the job. I almost canceled the other day. I know you did. And she does this thing where she's like,

Should we? And I'm like, say it, say it, say it, say it. And then she doesn't say it. Yeah. It's like Beetlejuice. Like, I need to say it three times. I'll say it twice. Candyman. And then she's like, you don't have to talk to Barb, just say it. And I refuse to say the third one. I'm literally Candyman instead of a hook. I've got like the cancel button and I'm just like right there in the mirror waiting for you. Do you with Starburst. Yeah. Do it.

So you edit our show. We do. We act in your show. Yeah. Acting. Yeah. What's up with that? Yeah, like, what's that all about? Like, how do you do that? What goes through your head? Do you love it? Stop.

i don't even know where to start i know well how do you get this job i know when did you start ron i started as a night shift assistant editor and it was my first job out of college night shift assistant editor yeah i knew nothing about drag race i knew nothing about drag um and

And I just sort of like worked as a knight. So you were like the Matt Damon in the Good Will Hunting. Like you were like the janitor who like wandered in and solved all the stuff. But less problematic. And just like Matt Damon, you just stopped saying Peggett. And thank God for your daughter who did that treatise and really like educated you because. And it's the fact that it was nine pages. If it had been eight.

No. I think the treatise was a figure of speech. I just don't understand why you would even, of course it's horrible, but I'm also like, why would you tell people? I just stopped saying it two days ago. Because he is a movie star that is a white man. Well, I mean, before he was on that show where he was like,

telling a black woman like how like project green light yeah on project green like telling her how diversity should work like so he yeah he he's been dumb as shit he has had some but i want to know what's the original thing he said like what did he say i mean i want to hear the joke matt demon what's the joke oh it's probably just like uh pass me the potato salad faggot i mean you know what i mean it's it's probably just as innocuous as that yeah i hope it was like um i hope it was like t.s madison

Queen. At the drive-thru. Yeah, at the drive-thru. Yes. Well, he is from Boston, so he probably says the R word regularly. You know, the F-sort. He, you know. There's a lot of R wording in Boston. Oh, yeah. And it's not like they're in another timeline in terms of like the political correctness education. The witches were just hung yesterday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they're in a totally another timeline. Where are you from? Where are you from? Baltimore. Baltimore.

Oh, God. I mean, yeah, they're pretty bad. Yeah. That's worse, right? New Hampshire. New Hampshire. Where in New Hampshire? Springfield. It's like a town of a thousand people. Oh, wow. Is that where they... Nightmare on Elm Street. Less. Like way off the beaten path. Okay. You grew up on a farm. Yeah. My parents have animals. What kind of animals? Pigs, chickens. They stopped having the pigs once the bears got the pigs. Oh, wow.

Do you have bears or the bears came from outside? They're wild. Where in there? They have like a little outdoor pig pen and it only got one of them. And then the other was like traumatized. Oh, they probably, that pig probably saw the other pig. Watch the other pig get skewered. Yeah. What now? What were you, did you see the remains of the pig? I just think of the whole episode. Oh, the pigs are just getting it. Checkers is just getting it.

Watching my dog get murdered, my neighbor. He's just getting it. Anyways, bye. Well, did he really fuck up that pig? Oh, yeah. She just carried it off, licking to the woods. Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's good. That's preferable. And maybe they're friends now. I don't know. Yeah, remember Charlotte's Web? It happens. Oh, no. I hope it was like, I hope it was like, I almost called it We're Here, but it's called It Follows. I wish We're Here was It Follows. The part where she's standing there and the hair gets like pulled up. Oh, yeah. And she's like lifted up.

Or Nell, that pig is brought into the woods to learn how to be wild. Yeah. You know? You guys seen Nell? No. Yeah, it's awful. You gotta see Nell. It's, yeah. It's really, Jodie Foster pretends to be Zach King. A wild, a wild.

A wild... A girl who lives in the woods who's like unhumanized from people. Yeah. Because her twin sister and mom are dead. So she's living in the woods alone since like childhood. Yeah. And they find her and she's like, hey, got a chick a pet? It's very strange. It's like a broken Tennessee accent. Yeah. That's like not close to English at all. Fully committed. And there's this part where she is in public at a bar and she pulls her tits out.

Do you remember that? No, I don't. Yes. There's a part where she, um, she's being hit out at a bar and the guy's like trying to get her to take her shirt off. And then she pulls her titties out and it's like spinning.

It's fierce. It's fierce. Wild. It's fierce. It's fierce. So basically I went from Nell to editing. Yeah. Wait, you went from what to what? From Nell. He was Nell. You were Nell. Well, that works with a nonverbal titled web series. How long have you been working on it?

Since episode 10, Drag Etiquette. Oh, shit. Yeah. So you're really on the ground floor. Yeah. And that was you and Chris Smith? Yep. Yeah. Damn, in the beginning, it really was just like, it was probably less editing. It was a shorter job. It was. We were allowed way less time. There was way less editing. It wasn't as long.

But I remember they were like three or four minutes. Yeah. Yeah, but I remember watching the episode before the one I edited because Chris just went on vacation one week and Pete was like hey can you edit on this week and I remember watching what he was done doing like um, and I was like I gotta step my game up like I gotta match his energy Um, and I think that's what I was been like you talked about this a little bit before but it's always been It's pretty much always been to enter of competitive and then yeah, like we're trying to one-up each other. Yeah

- We just threatened to kill ourselves all the time. I was like, "I'm sorry you did. I should just kill myself, right?" And he's like, "No, I'm gonna kill myself." So one day we might just both be dead. - We do the same thing. - We do the same thing just about showing up though. - Except she's like, "Should I kill myself?" And I'm like, "Yes." And that's it. That's the whole conversation. Trigger warning.

Tree warning give yeah the lettuce the taste of sadness trigger warning not wanting to go to work and therefore jokingly Saying you're gonna kill mama you so how long have you been actually work? That means you've been working on a show for a one two three four eight years I've been at Wow for like eight years I think and then like this show has been like since 2016 2015 five years six six six God

It's a long time. It's a long time. No, it's not six years, is it? Yeah. That's three times longer than Seinfeld. So it's like one season a year? Yeah. Are you ready to have, would you guys participate in a friend style reunion on HBO Max in about 30 years? Yes. Yeah. Okay. I'll be in an urn. But only for, only for friends money. Yeah, that's true. This is ignorant. Did they get paid to do a reunion like that? Oh. Oh.

Of course they do. Courtney Cox finally got nominated for an Emmy. For that? For doing the reunion. Are you serious? She's the only Friends actor that didn't ever get nominated. Oh, so it was a sympathy nod? Yeah. Or sympathy nomination? That's okay. So what? They're all sympathy nods. I mean...

- Get the bag. - I'm never gonna get one. None of us, well you guys might get one. I'm never gonna get one. - Never say never. Never say never. They are so bogus. - Emmys? - Yes, it's like the drag pageants where they're like, they say it's her year. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? So that means these people can't win 'cause it's their year? What does that mean? - I don't know. And I wanna know what Amy Adams and Glenn Close did. - You know, so when you win over and over for the same thing, it gets a little foolish and crazy.

Yeah, I suppose it does. And then they give you, they have the thing where like, they give you one, the makeup Emmy or the makeup award for like the, you do a shitty movie in 2010, but you should have won in 2009 for the great movie. So they'll give it to you for the shitty movie. Right. That was going to be Glenn Close and Hillbilly Energy. Oh, right. And she should have won for that. Glenn Close, but no cigar. Yeah. That was her that year. Yeah. And she showed up in like a 25 pound gold cape.

It was, you know. Although, if you were nominated for an Emmy, but you know you're not going to win because there's like some juggernaut, like,

Nicole's nominated again for nailed it and she's like I love getting nominee against RuPaul because like I'm not gonna win But I get to go. Yeah, and then she says it's like a load off her back Yeah, cuz she doesn't actually worry about a speech or like but you should have one Because Jodie Foster didn't think she was gonna win at whatever this the Golden Globes or whatever She won and it was on zoom. She was in the in her bedroom with her lesbian wife and she was just like oh Oh, wow

"Oh, oh, what? Really? Whoa, wow. Oh, geez. Can you, what? What?" And it was just like, just say thank you and let it, it was so weird. - That's better than fake crying about God and stuff. - No, just don't mention God, but fake cry all you want. Or ugly cry like Halle Berry in "Monster's Ball."

- You know, I hate when they're like, I hate when, I mean, whatever. I hate when they say thank God. I'm like, thank the PA on set that day before you thank God, Mary. - Yeah. - Kathy Griffin told Jesus to suck it. - I loved it. I loved every second of it. - Really? It was good what she wanted. - You never saw that? - No. - Oh my God. When she gets her Emmy, she says, you know, a lot of people get up here and thank God for that award, but I want to say that no one had less to do with this award than God.

And then she said, suck it, Jesus. This award is my God. And people were so mad. Really? That's hysterical. So mad. First, yeah, I'd like to thank our Lord and creator, the savior of all of us, the one who made this all possible. Or could you imagine if you got up there and thanked Allah or something? People would be so mad. But if you thank God, no one cares. They would. Or yeah, or Ganesh.

What about like a strange Hindi deity? - Zuul. - Zuul, yeah, yeah. - The best one is, you ever see the best supporting actress for Nurse Jackie?

I forget what her name is, but she literally just-- - Mary Weaver. - Mary Weaver, did you see her? She literally went up and she just went, "Thank you so much, I gotta go." And then just walked away. - Yeah, that was great. And Elaine Striches was great. - Was she panicked? - I think she was probably just nervous and just surprised. - Yeah, I think she's like, "I don't wanna do this." - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - The problem is, I would get good and loaded, and I would, and then-- - Add another thing! - The problem is, it would be that I get good and loaded and then accidentally win,

And then I'm, you know, and we know that classically when celebrities are,

off the rails giving a speech no one ever gets worried about them would you guys make faces if you lost would you make do that like polite clap or would you be like i would storm i was at the streeties yeah grab the purse and hit the door i said ron get my purse and he's like you don't have one i say get the purse that was crazy i forgot that was so crazy

I'm so glad I didn't go to that. Yeah, it would have been fun. No. It was fun to go. It was fun. It was fun to go. You're talking about the B-tier year, right? Like when we didn't even make it to the real event. Yes, it was when we were at the... You were at the daytime Emmys? Yeah. The streamies? Oh my God. Do you know what the food situation was?

Listen, I love the Streamys. We win them now. Please don't kill us. The food situation was a food truck. Yeah. It was an In-N-Out food truck. Which was delicious. That's fantastic. I would live. How was the line though? It was fine. It was at a college, which was a little odd. Nope. Don't like that. UCLA? We were on a college campus. UC Berkeley? We were in a college campus. Like community college. Oh, see, I'm into that. That's what I'm saying. That's when I saw JoJo Siwa and found out she was 6'5". That's where it all started. Yes. Wow.

Did you meet, like, was everybody there? The glitter, no, because this was the. No, there was a lot of producer creative. I mean, Logan Paul was there, right? Where's Jake Paul? One of the Pauls was there. Is he the one that saw the Japanese man in the suicide forest? I think so. And he was there with his whole entourage dressed to the nines for a podcast. Like, oh, like mafia dress, like black tie, black shirt, black suit. No, like the straight content creators who have like a posse, like full time. Yeah, I can see that though. There's mega rich. I can barely get Brandon to give us a ride here.

I know, but think about straight men who strike your wrist. They're going to wild out. Yeah. But it was fun. But then there was musical acts, which was a weird way to meet her at the night. At the streamies? Everyone, it was a little rough, but everyone was very encouraging. But it was one of those situations where everyone kind of looked at each other and was like,

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have been like, boo, you suck. No, I wouldn't have done that. And also, YouTube people are, let's just say in person, sometimes a lot different than they are on the YouTube. Some people are really so good on camera and then in person they're scared. Yeah. And so they had these recurring jokes through the night. It's like, this is the biggest night of the year because we're content creators, so none of us go anywhere or have any lives. And it is funny, but it was like, I believe you. That's 100% true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of them, though, are very charismatic, but the most part, they're like,

Yeah. They're wacky in real life. Yeah, they're wacky jacky. We also never know who they are. So then when they come up to us, we're like, who is that? No idea. But some of them do act like they are Julia fucking Roberts. Yeah. They surly do. Yeah. Anyways. But it was fun. Did y'all get the streamy? Not yet, no. We got to follow up on that. Oh, no, no, no. It should be coming in the mail. Oh, really? We bought them for you. Oh.

- Yes. - Yes. - You have not, still have, oh man. - Now I'm nervous. We bought one for each of you and Pete. - Oh, thank you. - Oh. - Yeah, and that was many moons ago. - That was like when we got it, yeah. - Yeah, that was a long time ago. - To be fair though, ours took a good few months to come in the mail. - I never got one. - You didn't? - Nope.

Are you serious? All I have on my trophy mantle is a queer tee that is not engraved. It's just an orange asterisk that could belong to anybody. Are you serious? Yes. Mine came and says Trixie Mattel and everything. Well, great for you. But how did I get one and not you? Probably because I am so vocal about not giving a shit about the streamers and plus I don't want to pay.

They said, we're going to teach you a lesson today. Well, teach me the lesson, mama. I'm not coming back next time. But don't take it out on us. I know. I know. But some of us would not like to be taught a lesson. And we'd like the award, please. Like crazy. I mean, was yours engraved? Yes. With the correct spelling of your name? It's a silver statue. It's a woman like this. I mean, yes. Are you joking, joking? I'm not joking. It's fierce. It's like one of my most prized presents. I love it more than my Drag Race crown.

Wow. I love how invested you were in the streamies, like how upset you were when we lost and how excited you were when we won. Like, I love it. I was, she goes, I thought we, they, they hid it from us. The whole thing. We knew we had a beat sheet of the entire day. And then they said, Brittany Broski is going to on the bus for touch-ups. And we were like, okay. Oh yeah. And then she whipped out that award. It was, I couldn't believe they kept it from us all day. And then they cut the cameras. How many more times did I ask? Is this a joke?

Is this real? Is this real? It was Wendy Williams. What wig am I going to wear? How am I going to act? Am I going to cry? Also, it was at the end of the day and it was a little long day. I love the streamies, but I called her and said, she called me and said, do you want to do this streamies thing? Because if you do, I have to start emotionally preparing myself for that. Just because it was like 16 hour day. But I didn't know that. 16 hours on a bus. On a moving bus. Tell them what time we had to be on camera and drag.

- I think it was 8:00 a.m. - Uh-huh. - Yeah, so that means getting in drag at home. - 5:30. - Packing the bag, camera ready, and then leaving the house. - Uh-huh, crazy. - Yeah. The things we have to go through for the Streamys, although they paid us, so. - They paid us, and I wanted that award. I wanted it. - Yeah, I feel like looking back, it's only fair that they gave it to us.

But it was our hillbilly energy moment. They made you work for it, though. Yeah. They did. We'll give you this award, but you need to fucking 16 grueling hours on a moving vehicle, like, a.k.a., you know, Keanu Reeves. James Charles gets hers delivered to her doorstep. Meanwhile... They're, like, shooting you at your feet. Dance, please, dance. I wish they'd been holding it in front of you on a fishing line. Yeah, seriously. How much you guys have been on the bus?

cameras mounted all over the walls and we're trying to there's literally a teleprompter and we're like and then we're in traffic and the next some of those times where we're talking you can see us physically jolt yeah it was a lot I mean they might as well just like shoot us out of a cannon into like a pool full of piranhas next time

Oh, so then when it aired, we had a group viewing on Zoom, remember? Oh, yeah. I think I tuned in for about two seconds. You were there, right? Yeah, I was there. Well, she wasn't there for the win, was she? No. You popped in and left.

But I saw you were you guys gagged were you happy were you genuinely happy can I tell the truth absolutely you gave it you told me because you was it Pete said don't say or no you said I said we can't tell Ron and she's basically as a bargaining chip if we can't tell Ron can I tell John I

I can't keep it secret. I got it. I got it. You know, I wanted a reaction. Did he tell you that I told him to pretend like he didn't know? So he started crying and puking. I was, I was making, I was calling Jeff beforehand, like practicing my shocked face. Oh, wow. All better than the face I made during the zoom meeting with you guys. You're like,

I was like, oh, wow. No, but he literally, he wouldn't shut up about it. He kept talking about it, being like, I just think maybe, do you think we'll really win? And I'm just like, I can't take it anymore. Oh, he was like, do you think? Oh, you were really, really like, oh, I wanted to win because I want to win, but I also wanted to win for you guys. I was like, everybody here deserves to win. That's sweet. It is all we have. It is all we have.

Was that a cry for help, Ronald? Was that a cry for help? No, it's just funny. Because we get credit for that show all the time. And you guys never get credit for it. I know. Pretty much every opportunity we have doing press or whatever, I mean, I always kind of belabor the point that it is really through no talent of my own. I mean, I show up in a wig and then you guys do all the heavy lifting. But we were very lucky because you probably couldn't name any other show, YouTube show, where they're like, who are the editors of it?

Yeah. Where at least you guys are nice enough to mention our names and say who we are. You guys are so nice to give us credit and

Mean look we we can do the on editing on stuff that isn't funny in the first place and then it feels forced and you're kind of like Pulling people like if you people notice yeah, I think you did dateline but in your editing style it probably wouldn't have the same Yeah, or like Entrapment is that still allowed no I think they know cuz the one guy committed suicide and then they stopped doing it

I think they should stop predators, but also I was always like, what happens to these people? They should just focus that energy on catching people who are trying to swap genders to go back to the high school to right or wrong. You mean like never been kissed? Yeah. But if they dressed up like a girl? So it's kind of like one of the boys meets never been kissed. No, yeah, like go undercover to find out who else is undercover because apparently everybody's doing it in high school. I don't know. Strangers with candy. I've never seen that. Yeah.

You've never seen Strangers with Candy? We talked about this when you were on the pod. I was already ridiculed. I was dragged through the mud. Well, let's do it again. Yeah. What are your favorite, what's your favorite TV show? What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite color? Oh, we know his favorite movie. Oh, The Green Mile. I didn't know that.

Okay, so are we coming clean on everything right now? Okay. Yes. Look, you're a liar. The Green Mile is a phenomenal film. Yeah. It was one of many movies on my list of movies that I enjoyed on OkCupid. Favorite TV show? Probably Fleabag. Okay. I love Fleabag. It's great. Favorite color? Orange. Orange. Yeah.

Favorite movie? Probably Lord of the Rings. Which, all of them? Return of the King. Okay. Have you seen Old yet? No. Have you? Oh, sure fucking did. Did you live? I lived. It is probably the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. But in a fun way? I was not bored. Okay. It is fucking ridiculous. It is? It is outrageous. I thought it hadn't come out yet. No, it did. I think it came out last week. What happens?

They get old. Mary, this family goes on vacation to a resort, right? And you meet these cast of characters. Everybody is like completely just their profession, by the way. It's like the doctor only speaks in medical jargon. The psychologist is trying to get everybody to process. So they go to this private island, come to find out every minute on the island is like a year. So they just start aging and dying.

At the end of the movie, they're all dead and old. Hilarity ensues. There's this skinny, stuck-up bitch who, like, at the beginning of the movie, she's like, I have a calcium deficiency. I've got a calcium deficiency. Uh-oh. Does this drink have calcium in it? And I'm like, okay, we get it. She's going to die of a bone thing. And she goes, and then her bone, like, she... Mary, it's pure camp. You'll love it. Osteoporosis? She, like...

hump she develops a hump like in 20 minutes and her like she gets old hump and then she's like freaking out and she breaks her breaks an arm and then it heals right where it is because her Mary it's like but she's narrating the whole time everybody's narrating what's going on because it's like oh it seems to be that the the rocks and the gravity and the thing are aging us about approximately I'm like what it's crazy

Whoa. It is insane. It's insane. Hump. She gets a hump. Hump. One time I was talking to Benela Krem and she was talking about, she was talking about her number. She was like, I do like a Quasimodo number to my humps. I was like,

So you think people with different bodies are funny? You know, Ben's super PC. And we were on camera and her eyes just went like... And I was like, I'm just... It's fine. She's always so afraid of getting in trouble. You should see it, though. You would love it. Oh, of course. I'm going to watch it. It's kind of like... It's not as great as Ma, but it's in that vein. Oh. Yeah. Somebody said it was this generation's Ma, which Ma was like three years ago. We're all aging quickly, especially on a beach. Yeah. Yeah.

yeah it's good um so any uh luck on the dating apps are you seeing somebody do you have a girlfriend uh no i'm single at the moment okay yeah but i don't know yeah i have i mean i know plenty of girls who what's your type do you have a type yes okay jeff jeff can tell you my type i'm too embarrassed what is his type

He likes a girl with like a fun color hair, like a magenta or something. And a girl like a bad girl, like kind of like a rockabilly bad girl with tattoos and like

Oh, I like that for you. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Maybe a piercing. Maybe like magenta hair, blunt bangs and a couple tattoos, like a winged liner, like a Kat Von D. Yeah. Criminal record. Kat Von D I think is pretty. I had someone who like fit that description slide into my, we matched on Bumble and she messaged me and she was like,

I'd eat you alive, but I just wanted to let you know that I love your work. And that was the end of the conversation. She said, I'd eat you alive? Why didn't she do it? What's the follow-up there? I know. I'd eat you alive, but I can't. Don't threaten me with a good time. What does that mean, also, I'll eat you alive? My pussy will pulverize you, shred you up? I mean, maybe it was literal, and she just didn't want to, like, she wants it on to continue. Oh, I see. She didn't want to kill you, man.

We're going to find out more about what kind of girls. Right after a short break. Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home. And then there's a version of it where you have someone help you. You watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

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And we're back. Oh, we're back. So I have a girl for you. I'll show you a picture later. I don't want to put her on blast right on the air. But your mom. Yeah. My mom's sister. My aunt. Yeah. She's 10 years older than my mom. Her name's Chloe. Let's see what. OK, I have a question. Yes. What kind of men do you like?

because you have you have a man are you guys open is that too personal but what kind of man is in like the porn you search for i go through i go through phases of what i like but the last two boyfriends i've had have been asian so um but i usually like shorter and smoother and not white yeah i like that profile yeah white guys just don't do anything for me really really not really

I think when I was in Baltimore, it's like there's just no diversity. It's the most segregated city in the world. So it was just hard to like even the gay bars were like separated. There was like black gay bars and there was white gay bars. It was crazy. Good old Baltimore. So it's just hard to like meet other people that didn't just look like pasty white people. You're from an island that's the opposite of old.

They don't age. Yeah, you're- Jeff is 75 years old. The last podcast was when I got a lot of sexual propositions on Instagram. Yeah! People- I saw- I looked at the comments and was like, "Fuck, are you fuckable? Jeff, let's fuck those other whores. I wanna fuck Jeff." I'd suck that box. I'd milk that clit. I would kill Trixie and coach her just to be able to lick his glands. Yeah. Like, just some people just straight up, just full on dick pigs, whole pigs.

like just like that i mean not for not the first thing anything else second thing because they could be anybody's i need to see i mean i i'm i'm attracted to a face first yeah if you're not providing a face picture on the internet i don't know what you're doing i don't know what you're doing trickery deceivery if i want to just look at bodies i would google it cut up a cadaver yeah i

- Google. - I don't know. - Yeah. - Just penis. Penis only. - And if you're not supplying conversation in a face and like making this somehow more engaging than pornography, then what are we doing? - Yeah. You know what I'm gonna do? Next glory hole I go to, I'm gonna go with a squirtable dildo and I'm gonna put the dildo through and then just squirt. - Salad dressing out there. - Ketchup. - What about people who say catsup?

I hate that. Catsup? I don't think they say it. I think they spell it that way and then they say it differently. Wait a minute. So cats... Catsup is the correct spelling for that? It's the correct spelling of ketchup? No, no, no, no. You can spell it C-A-T-S-U-P. But people don't say ketchup. Yeah, no.

they say catch up jail did you think jail jail federal prison when he's from baltimore so we say everything weird yeah do you say you gotta go home home i won't go home drink some water and zinc i'm gonna wash the car fill my car with oil

That's the one I hate the most. Oil. Oil. Oil. My home had an oil leak. I got to go wash all the gnomes in my yard. Oh, my God. Horrible. Horrible. What is that? It's not sexy. No. Although the Wisco one ain't that great either. Oh, Wisconsin? No, it's not good. But it has more pep.

Yeah, it makes everyone sound really dumb, but really nice. Yeah. Which, yeah, it's hard to make sexy. USA is A-OK. Yeah. Catch us in your mouth, I'll give you a prize. That's fun. That's fun. That dropped in gorgeous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Catch us in your mouth. Oh, you're cute. Oh, you're cute. Oh, you're cute. What about the Boston accent? Ignorant. I mean, it's just... Homophobic. Homophobic, racist. Catholic. Catholic, yeah. Just like pretty much it hits all the negative buzzwords like...

molested but can't talk about it don't like black folks don't like F slurs probably gonna beat my girlfriend or wife it's like not the best thing ever but I love the Celtics and the Patriots likes Dunkin Donuts yeah American runs on Dunkin

I always think of on that ferry to Provincetown, they have that Dunkin' Donuts right next to the ferry. I think of all the donuts I could eat in there. I fuck with Dunkin' Donuts with a large iced coffee with cream and sugar. I fuck with their donuts a lot. Fresh. Yeah, fresh, but like base level good. It's just like a grocery store donut and that's what I like about it.

It's better than a grocery store donut. Yeah. Fresh out the oven, chocolate frosting. It is like the dictionary definition of a donut. It's not any better. It's not any worse. It's like a Simpsons donut. Yeah. It's not as sweet as Krispy Kreme. You ever had Krispy Kreme fresh out the oven in Las Vegas airport? Yeah. Yeah.

It's so much sugar. It's a lot. It's a lot of sugar. And it disintegrates in your mouth. Yeah, it's crazy. What is the nutritional value there? Diabetes. It actually kills you. It's like bacon where it actually hurts you to eat it. No, bacon is fine. Isn't bacon, don't they always say that actively takes minutes off your life when you eat bacon? I'm sure I have some right here. Eat some and let us know how you feel. No, this is turkey bacon. Bacon is good.

It's not worse than a donut. It's all in moderation, I guess. Yeah, but I mean, come on. Paula Deen once made a Krispy Kreme breakfast sandwich with like egg and cheese and bacon with instead of a bread, it was a Krispy Kreme donut. Yeah, then she fried it in lard and then add some M&Ms and oh my God. Do you guys miss going to the office? You guys used to edit at the office, right? At World of Wonder.

Do you guys have water cooler talk there? Yeah. Yeah. But we still get that because we like just FaceTime each other randomly. I will say I recently moved and like two or three months before that, I did feel like I was going insane because I was just living and working out of a single bedroom. Oh.

Oh my God, Ronald, Jesus Christ. I love my roommates. It was the best possible roommate situation you could hope for, but I still just kind of stayed in my room all the time. It's too much. And finally, once I moved, it was like a breath of fresh air. And I can focus again, and my cat has room to roam. What's your cat's name, Shelly? Hobbs. Hobbs. Oh, like Calvin and Hobbs? Yeah. Oh. Yep.

- Welsh, what'd you say? - Orange cat. - Oh, orange cat. Like Hobbes. - How old is the cat? - Like eight. - So he's an older cat. - He, she? - I just adopted him. - Okay, so he's got plenty of time. - Is that old? - Eh, we'll see.

They say like nine to 12 years, but they live a lot longer than that. Nine to 12. Cats live longer than that. Cats live forever, like 16 years and shit. Andrew's got that Chihuahua that's like pushing 16. It's got a drain in the back of its neck. It's still right there. We saw Andrew's Chihuahua today.

Was attacked by a raccoon, horribly mauled by a raccoon. Yeah, drain in the neck. What was the dog doing outside? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The raccoon was trying to get in their house and was completely unfazed by Andrew who was like charging it. And yeah, fat, wild, rabid raccoon and a family.

- Uh-huh. - In the heart of West Hollywood, Vaseline Alley. - Honestly, he got off early. He got off easy. Well, he got off early. You know what he did? He nutted all of that raccoon.

He got off easy. I don't want to say what street, but that street he lives on is where also people just walk in your house. Oh, Mary. Naked tweaking. Every time he walks from his... I didn't walk down that street. But he walks to the studio, which is a couple blocks up, and he always gets propositioned. It could be that he is always...

nearly nude, glistening with sweat, long Countess Luanne hair. Half hard. Half hard, huge butt. Yeah, giant pecs and all that. But people will drive by and they'll be like, hey,

You're not allowed to. They have the signs in West Hollywood that says no cruising in those side neighborhoods. What? You've never been there? No. Like if you go south of Santa Monica, like right south of Santa Monica, all those residential areas, they have signs that says no cruising. How do you enforce that? Well, the car thing is too. No, I was just saying hi. Wait a minute. Cruising like driving? Yeah, I don't like that. I mean, cruising if you're walking. They need cruise control. Yeah. I think it's like cruising and like stopping and like, I think that maybe there's just like a lot of like male prostitutes or something hanging out.

Well, yeah, because I think they convince him for being one all the time. And they they'll like sending follow him. He's following him around the block. They'll like pass him. Then like do a Yui come back. It's too much. That's what that's that's what the chasers used to do outside the gay club. And I love to drive around the gay club and rolled a window down this much and drive slow. Yeah. Come here. Like the Daytona 500. I'm going to approach your tinted window car with one on this much.

where I don't know if there's a gun or how many people are in the car. No, I would. And I did. And there was never a gun. And there was usually just one person, except there was a dog once. But, you know. What about, we were talking about this. What about when you get the ride thinking if you give the handjob or whatever, you get it for free and then they go, it's only 15 bucks. Yeah, I fucking blew a cat. I didn't blow him. I gave him a gestural, you know. You gave him the Jennifer Lopez experience. Yeah.

Like South Park. I gave him the ex-girlfriend experience. And I was like, you know, I was like, oh man, I'll jerk him off. Because he was sniffing. Sniffing hard. And he still charged me for the ride. And my fucking, I paid for it. Just because he was horny, he still has to make a living. That's a really good point when you put it that way. Yes, it is. But however, do my services, are they worth nothing? I was trying to make a living too. Maybe it wasn't good.

Am I 70, David? Oh my God, you're trying to tell me that my calloused, bony witch claw might not have brought him to orgasm? And knowing you, working with you, I bet there was no makeup on the hands. Of course there wasn't. There was red knuckles. Red knuckles. No, we got purple knuckles, gray-white hands, and then hair. Lots of hair. Hair and knuckles. Hair and cheap rings. He probably got a rash. Yeah, he's like, I mean, whatever. It is what it is. So many humiliations in drag. Have you guys ever bought a hooker? No.

I've had like a sexy massage. Oh, yeah. Do you like that?

Yeah. Okay. Cause you just have to lay there. Do you get the real massage too? Yeah. Okay. Is it, is it usually like a pretty legitimate therapeutic massage before the, the yanking? Yeah. I would think like they'd have to give a pretty convincing, like where they'd be like, put on the spa music and put out some crystals, but then have no training. They'd be like, yeah. Yeah. Well, but that's like when I worked in the pornography, I'm my favorite scenario to do is the, the massage. Yeah.

- Really? Really, why? - Because it's all about the corruption of power, is what I was trying to get at. But no, 'cause in it you always had to either have the perverted client and the legit masseuse, or the legit client and the perverted masseuse. - Oh, I like the former. I like it when the client is-- - Is wholesome? - No, no, I like-- - The pervert? - The pervert. I always like, 'cause the power dynamic has shifted. It's like, you're vulnerable naked in the chair with the professional.

I want the client to turn the masseuse. Yeah, they turn over and then they're erect. I want the man to be like, but no, my wife. And her to be like, she'll never know. You know what I mean? Can I tell you a really bad line that I literally had someone say? Yes. Because the one he just kept, he started the massage and then his...

like rubs right up against the person's head. Of course. But then he goes to the back and then he pulls it out and it's like between his butt crack. And then he's like, wait, what is that? And he goes, it's a massaging tool.

And then it goes in and then he's like, wait. It's a tuning fork. And then he goes, wait, but why are both of your hands on my shoulders if you're using them? It's a Johnsonville brought. Wait a minute. Something doesn't add up here. He's got one hand and two hands. Whoa. I like doing scenes where people, the first scene I ever had to write was someone came into the wrong apartment

It was like the floor below, just drunk, crashes in the bed. The person who's really there wakes up, hot naked guy. He's like, "I'm gonna call the police." And the guy turns over and he's like, "But wait, I have a boner." And in the scene, I actually have him, he has his hand on the cell phone with nine and one dialed. And then in his other hand is the guy's wiener and he's like,

- Sophie's choice. - That's what he chose. - He called the police. - That's what got me hired. - Who was that? Do you remember who that was with? - Johnny Hazard and-- - Oh, that's a while ago. - Yes, I love how you know who that is. - Oh, Mary, I know my porn. - And I can't remember who the other person was. - I have a question. Have you guys ever pitched things at WOW or anywhere else that you wanted to do that didn't go, that you were like, "That was so cool." You know, 'cause, oh, we'll die someday. What do you wanna do next?

- Well, they are doing something. - Maybe we've pitched things. - And maybe they did go. - And they did go. - And maybe you are getting fired tomorrow. - I will say I love the job, of course, but when we signed in for 90 episodes. - It's a lot. - Mary, magical thinking. Magical thinking. - It felt like-- - Science fiction? - It felt like in "Broke Down Palace" when the one girl decides to stay in the prison so the other can leave, but neither of us left. We're both in the prison.

I'm Claire Danes and Claire Danes. You decide to stay in the prison and I just go, get out. I mean, we love our job and we do want to keep doing uh, but it is one of those things where we want to be able to do uh and do other new things. Yeah. So it's always a balance of like trying to figure out. Maybe how many have we done this season?

I really have no idea. I think you, filming wise, I think you've almost filmed it. We're almost done with this season, right? We're almost to 30. What is a season? It's 30 episodes. It's 30 episodes. Three cycles of 10. That's always the case? Oh. Because now I think it's 10, they take a break, 10, so it goes all year, sort of. Got it, got it, got it. So I think we're almost done with this season. Yeah, because we did Halloween. I mean, if we started six years ago, that's crazy.

That's so 60s. Also, the number of episodes is crazy. When the number, how many, what are you guys on? 150, 160? It's like 160s now. Yeah. That's crazy. When you think of 160 drag looks over the, that's, that's, that's crazy. for me, maybe 90.

It's also crazy from a perspective of like, Oh, what episode was that in? And then we have to go. Well, yeah, because nowadays with all the times that we repeat stories ad nauseum, I mean, sometimes we'll just repeat a story three, four times and no one stops us. And because no one don't know it, we don't know. The thing that I love though, is it's, and you hit the same beats and the same jokes. Well, that's a good sign. Maybe a good, a bad news. Good is, um, you're, uh,

you're on the right track comedic wise but you also have dementia also it's clear that we not only repeat stories we don't listen to each other because I've never told you this no both of you are just it's the first time you ever heard it goldfish brain goldfish brain screen wipe I think that's an asset

Yeah, it is. And sometimes like because everybody knows we don't really hang out in real life. We only talk here and on camera. So sometimes we'll, you know, I don't know. Maybe we should stick to more topical things. We're always telling stories from like a decade ago. We're never telling stories from like this year. Because nothing happened to me this year. I got an electric bike. That's it. There's nothing else to talk about. Mayor of Easttown. You could ride it for months. I could talk about the mayor of Easttown for three episodes.

I do like when we can make jokes about the fact that you've told the jokes before. Yeah, well, yeah. You seem to have a lot of fun with that, Ronald. Last night I laid in bed and thought about watching The Handmaid's Tale. That's the closest I've come to watching television in a while. Oh, my God. You don't count Real Housewives of Television? Oh, that's homework. I don't. Yeah, I don't know. I sometimes put it on, but is that really television? Like a real series like that? Oh, you mean like a scripted thing? Yeah. Okay. I don't really watch anything like that. What's the last amazing scripted series you watched?

- It's "Why Women Kill." - Is that good? - It's campy as hell. It's so campy. - A lot of male nudity in that? - There's like a lot of male eye condy. - There's a lot of male eye condy. - But no, nothing, there's maybe a butt shot or something. - We should do an episode of, that's not really on a topic, but that's just Midsommar related.

- The movie Midsommar? - Yeah. - Where you just set yourself on fire. - No, no, no. Where we both, I jump from the thing. Break one leg and you were to come with the mallet. - Yes. - Yeah. - I honestly like-- - We watched it yesterday. - I have no issue living in a society where at an age you jump. I have no issue. - 72, let's wrap it up with dignity and some, you know what I mean? Well, maybe not dignity, but-- - 72 is fine. - Yeah, it's incredible.

Who's that, I mean, I guess like Betty White is doing shit at 90, but like who's hitting their stride at 85? - There's only three people really getting it. - Betty White, we haven't seen her in a while. - Yeah, she could be dead right now.

My friend was on Hot in Cleveland a couple years ago, and he said that there was just a group of handlers making sure she stayed alive. Just like, how are you, Betty? Do you need... Here's your medication. Oxygen. Oh, my God. Ventilator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would rather just... I want to do that thing. I want to cut the hands, slide my things on the rune slab, and then just...

Plus, what I didn't like about that movie is you're going to go jump off a cliff, right? You're all having these dignified, tiny little shot glasses of booze. I'm like, if we're jumping, Mary, beer bong, let's do this. I'm not doing a thimble of juniper. No, I want like... You jump with the beer. Butchug. Butchug. I think they were turnt. Turnt in some way. Yeah. To jump? Yeah.

I think they were turnt. Yeah, everybody gets turnt before a ritual in that movie. They drink a little... Like acid, whatever that acid stuff. Yeah, they're butt-chugging. Yeah, they're butt-chugging a mescaline. Yeah. Oh, let's take another break. Yeah, let's take a break. I loved that movie.

- It's fantastic. - It got me together. - It's one of my all time favorites. - Both of his movies are sort of hereditary. - Hereditary. - Are we back? - Yeah. - We're back. Wait, wait, did you see the one where the, his short film? - No. - No. - Oh, Mary Dugan, okay. - The music video for 9-1-1? - No. Ari Aster, he in college perhaps, or film school, he directed a short film where it's this middle class black family and the secret is the son rapes the father.

So it starts at the wedding. The son gets married. And you see the father is forced to blow. It's a blowjob.

So basically, he goes through his whole life raping the dad. Oh, so it's like an ongoing thing. Oh, yeah. And then I think it starts at the wedding reception. The son's getting married to a woman. But they have this little secret. And the son continuously, ancestrally rapes the dad. And the dad is trying to tell people about it. I think he's writing a screenplay or something. The kid finds it. And then...

I think everybody dies at the end. I've never heard of this. No, it's not very well known. I watched it and I was like, holy fucking shit. How do you get from that to everybody dies? How did they all die? Okay, so spoilers. But like, he runs outside and gets hit by a car. I think the mom finds out and I think maybe he kills the mom too, the son. I was originally the pilot for Murphy Brown. Yeah.

It was verbatim. For Party of Five. Yeah. It was Cheers. It was called Queers. I mean, it was... It's wild. It's wild. Also, I don't understand the logistics of... I mean, we don't have to get into the logistics of rape, I suppose, but blowing a man that does not want to be blown? How does that work? Oh. Do you suck it on a noodle? Sorry. Is it too much? I don't know. I don't know. I've luckily...

I haven't been in that situation in a long time. But... But anyways, that movie was wild. Or the short film was wild. You should watch it. I don't think I know. So who likes... No. What's your favorite restaurant? Oh, God.

These are the fun stories that don't make it into the film. Yeah, I know. Ronald, we have to focus on you for the majority of this episode. Okay. Okay. This side of the room is done. Yeah, yeah. This is done. We're talking about porn. We're talking about... I'm afraid I don't have many stories from my time in porn. It's okay. I have a questionnaire for you. Is that okay? Yeah, yeah. What's a sound that you love? Oh, fuck. Not that. Not that one. Um...

Okay, actually I do have I got this button this plastic button of you guys saying uh and they prototyped it for drag con and The speaker is so bad that it just sounds like garbled Ridge digital droning and whenever I need to cheer myself up I press the button and just like rose the fact that it was too bad to be sold Like you guys are like being murdered like a snuff film Yeah, cuz it's like one of them. Yeah, I wish I brought it with me. Oh

What's the sound that you hate? Chair scratching on the floor. Especially because it has moved into a new apartment with new floors. You know what I hate? People who teeth on the fork, put the fork in the mouth, bite the fork, pull it out. Yeah. What are you doing? Do you bite ice cream?

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Of course. Oh. You can't just lick it the whole time. No, I mostly just lick it. You mostly a licker? I like an ice cream cone more than like an oil. Oh no, mama. When I get that cone, I bite the shit out of it. Oh, I bite the hell out of it. Doesn't it hurt your teeth? No. See, my teeth are too sensitive. I get it on a spoon and I bite it. No, I bite it. Last night, I got a little turnt and I ordered two pints of Ben & Jerry's to my house. What flavor? And I ate half of each.

It's about a thousand calories. No. I'll house a pint. The ice cream you made, the peanut butter ice cream, is like some of the best ice cream I've ever had. Oh my God. My ice cream career was short-lived and there were some highs and some lows. I gave you an incredible batch and I gave her a bad batch. Oh my God. It was like a bag of nasty strawberry yogurt. I tried to make a custard that had too much egg in it. It was just like eggy. It was weird. I was still looking forward to it. I'm a big ice cream lover. I said, Mary, this is rotten. But I made him chocolate peanut butter ice cream and that was lit.

What's the calorie percentage compared to Ben and Jerry's on that? Any idea? Yeah. Well, Ben and Jerry's is similar to like homemade ice cream in that it's like a high milk fat content. Because did you know that if something has less than 10% milk fat, it's not legally called ice cream? So when you go to the grocery store and you buy like a giant thing of ice cream,

It'll be called frozen dairy treat and stuff like that. - Frozen dairy treat. - Isn't that crazy? - Yeah. - Also, when you make ice cream, a lot of it is whipping air into it to create like bubbles in the fat globules. So a lot of times like the giant gallon bucket of ice cream is the same weight as the tiny fancy ice cream. It just is filled with it. Isn't that interesting? - That's like how Subway can't call their bread bread anymore.

What? There's like not enough actual bread in it. What is it? They legally can't call it bread. Newspaper clippings? Like what is it? What is it? I don't know. Because there's like so much sugar and like preservatives and stuff in it. It's like not really bread. There's been all the controversy about the Subway tuna, right? Where it's like, oh, well, come on. I mean, it's just like a fish like paste.

I mean, if you're going to Subway, get in the tuna. Yeah, you got it. Isn't it like imitation crab where it's like fake crab that's just flavored with like a teeny percent of real crab? That's why we don't eat deep seafood.

I do not fuck with seafood, especially, I mean, I'm a vegetarian, but also, I do not fuck with seafood. I work in P-Town and people are there, you crack it into a fucking lobster. Are you kidding me? Why don't you just go in an alley in Manhattan and get a large rat and then just saute that and eat it? You have to crack the exotope to suck out the white...

Do you eat lobster? It's a lot of work, but I like lobster. Clams, hard shell crabs. We do crabs. Crabs. I one time saw somebody had a plastic bib on with a lobster that said, let's get cracking.

You do mussels? Yeah, mussels. You fuck with all of it, don't you? Yeah, there is some fishy fish I don't love. Such as? Calapia, I think. Hysterical that Gia named herself after literally the cheapest, smelliest fish. Is it? Yes. Cheap.

Like fresh tilapia. It's like, like maybe caviar is a better reference. You know, like tilapia is like, um, I'm like, like a hot dog. Literally. I didn't know that. Yeah. It's like cheap, shitty fish. Wow. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Anyways. Um, mussels, clams, crabs, uh, octopus. Y'all got cars? Yeah. What do you drive? I drive like a 2015 Honda Fit.

Is that the square one? It's a hatchback. What does that mean? It means it doesn't have like a regular trunk. It's kind of boxy and the back lifts up so you can slide a bunch of stuff from Ikea. The back is a hatch. Oh, okay. Yeah, not a hatchback. The hatchback of no drive-by. Yeah, the hatchback. I have a 2010 Honda Civic.

Replace my last one. I crashed on the 101. Oh, my God. Flipped. Flipped. Multiple times. Were you okay? Tokyo Drift. Somehow, yeah. That's why I only will get a Honda. He died? Yeah.

Ron said he died. This is all sawdust. He died on the table. No, a guy tried to get off an exit early. And I literally turned and just see a car coming straight towards me on the 101. And I went and turned to get out of the way and just missed it. But I had to turn so hard it flipped my car. And I just was rolling. And I thought I was rolling into the traffic. But I was just rolling on the shoulder. And if I rolled into the traffic, I would have died.

But luckily, I didn't. Could have died either way. And it was one thing where I was just upside down. Like on a roller coaster? Yeah, and all the glass had shattered. And so then I was just hanging there. But I was like, oh, I'm okay. And then I like...

like upside down like put it in neutral and cut my keys out and then I like crawled out and then all these people were like he's alive and I'm like I'm okay I'm okay and this person's like you have blood pouring down your face oh my god Jesus Christ I have a lot I love you stepping out of that rubble like

I'm a bad bitch. Y'all can't kill me. But then he, I was... What about the guy who, did he get away scot-free? Yeah. Of course. No one got his license plate. But I was kind of gay-bashed by the paramedic and the police and the firemen. Excuse me, what now? What, were you going to some kind of

- Cock sucking conference? - Well, kind of because they found in my bag, they were just looking to see if I was on drugs and they found a flyer for this old gay bar that closed down in Silver Lake called MJ's with like a hot naked guy. And they were all like, "Oh, you must be on meth and heroin and crack." - This is what you like, huh? Oh look, and they were passing it around and laughing at me while I was like in a gurney.

excuse me, what? This is fucking crazy. Isn't that crazy? That is, I mean, you didn't hit the person. If you were like the perpetrator in a vehicular manslaughter or something, I can see maybe razzing the perp in the ambulance ride. The problem is, I would be the perp. If I got in a traffic stop and I wasn't drinking or anything, it was like, oh, you're on a fender bender. Where were you coming from? I was like...

Oh, I was coming from a hot dog sundaes with Mario Diaz at LC. The night's called Big Fat Dick. If you need proof that I was there, I have videos of someone blowing me.

But it was, the funny thing is after I went to the hospital and then they're like, oh, you're fine. But they gave me like some pain medication. I was so high taking like the Uber back. And in the Uber, they were like, traffic's a mess from an accident on the 101. And I just went, that's me. It was me. Like your fit. Like it was your song playing on the radio. Like in that thing you do. You're like, oh my God. My big moment. I was on the news two days ago.

Yesterday, I was in the news yesterday. Local Los Angeles news. For what? Because I went to brunch and they said, the camera person was like, hi, can we... Oh, they have a microphone.

They're like, hi, restaurants are requiring vaccination cards. Do you want to talk about it? And I said, no, I can't talk about it. No, thank you. And so I gave no comment. But then they filmed me showing my card. So they're like, Los Angeles residents showing their vax cards. And it cuts to faggy ass me, bald in a button up floral shirt, showing my card like,

So people were texting me like, are you on the news? And I'm like, oh no. On like KTLA local news? Wow. So if you see a white ball faggot showing their back's card from three days ago, it was me. I was doing a TikTok dance. Yeah. I was doing the say so dance. What? I don't even know how it goes. It's like,

Do you think we should just exclusively transition to TikTok informational dancing videos on? Yeah. I'm actually editing one like before I came over here. Yeah. You were doing like five ways to tell if your daughter's on drugs. Yeah. Yeah. It's so bad. Well, we were obsessed with these people doing TikTok dances who it's like,

10 ways to know that your body's decomposing. And they're like smiling, dancing, but it's like horrible shit. Your dog has worms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So crazy. Yeah, but I did get a kick out of the nurses who were like doing whatever latest challenge in front of their like dying patients or corpses, you know, in the morgue. Yeah.

Things you need to know about working in the ER. Get used to piss. Blood everywhere. Smell the shit. Don't let it get you down. Well, do you want these whores to follow you guys or not? Yes, please. Be careful what you wish for. You know the people that watch. You know they're unhinged. Yeah. I'm used to it. Are you unhinged? I am. Yeah. Do you like it? It's fine. Yeah. Me too. I like Bumble. What's up with Bumble? Straights only?

I don't know how the gender dynamics work. Um, cause I know that women have to message first, like you swipe and match and then women message first. That's nice. Right. It's like Sadie Hawkins. Yeah. Like if no one messaged me, it's not my responsibility. It probably doesn't surprise anyone that like, I hate messaging first. I like overthink it. I get anxious. What? With your outrageously gregarious, outgoing personality that borders on obnoxious every time. So it's like, it's great that,

you know they have to go first yeah well i think it's good to always hit the ground running high is nothing hello that doesn't let us say nothing yeah open with something memorable like that draws you in my grandmother just passed weirdest thing we can't find her body sets you up for like uh or never works do you like airports i like airports

No, that sounds like Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks in that movie. I said that. You read that comment from my OKCupid when I let you into my messages. That's right. You said, do you like airports? Well, I weirdly love them. She said in her profile that she liked airports. What about this one? I'm glad I'm getting hate for this twice. Airplane takeoffs can be really impressive.

You know what there is magical, something magical, if you've ever flown with someone who's flown for the first time, watch their face as the plane takes off. Especially if they get the ears thing. It is chilling. When you're on the plane, and then suddenly a person who's never been on a plane is like, oh, we're dying. Yeah. First time I was in an international flight, I got so bad, the ear pressure, so bad. You started screaming. Scream crying. No, you didn't. I swear to God, 92 in Portugal, and then- You were 92 years old. Yeah.

Oh my God. Old. Reverse old. Bring it back. We need to do reverse old. They need to bring Benjamin Button to the beach. At the end, it's fetuses suffocating outside the womb. I'm going to tell you. There's no spoilers. Mary, listen. These two kids, the kids are six and seven, went into a tent, went through puberty in the tent, fucked in the tent, came back. When they came out five minutes later, she's five months pregnant. Are they brother and sister? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They came out five months pregnant. So that means they're adults and they still don't know how to read or anything. The kid was annoyingly precocious. So, like...

But then they had the baby, left it unattended for one minute, dead. And then the baby is wrapped up, like wrapped up, bag of bones. Sandy bones. Sickening. Sandy bones. Yeah. I'm going to watch this movie. You will love it. I'm going to love it. You will love it. It's fucking rotten. The script should never have been greenlit. I'm ready. It's so bad. But that's like what makes an M. Night Shyamalan movie now, right? How do you feel when people are constantly tagging you in the...

The billboards of the woman with bone legs. Well, now I don't mind. But like, I mean, it's, you know, having seen it, I'm like, okay, yeah, that's fine. But this woman has a tumor, benign tumor, all of a sudden. Oh my God, it's a baseball. Oh wait, it's a cantaloupe. You know what? Grab that pocket knife. We got to cut it out of her right now. They cut it out. Oh, the wound closed up. Cut it out again. Pull the flesh open. Keep it open. They dig this thing out that's the size of a fucking watermelon. And it just goes, oh, I'm awake. It's so bad.

It's so, so bad. I love it. I can't wait to watch it. You're going to love it. Okay. Where can they find you children? I'm at ArtofWot, A-R-T-O-F-W-O-T on Twitter and Instagram. And on TikTok?

Sure. I haven't posted anything on TikTok. You have one? I always think, yeah, but I have nothing on it. Let's get it cracking. I should. You got to talk to this one, the CEO of TikTok over here. Listen, you need any pointers? I'm right in on the ground floor. Okay. I appreciate it. Do you follow her TikTok? Yeah, I do. I love the like stuff.

You love all the sex content? Yeah. I told you about the dream I had where it was like a video game and every step you took in the video game, you kicked off a leg and then legs just kept multiplying and filling up the level until it was just full of legs. That's going to be my movie, Leg. It's an island where legs keep shooting off your body. And the best part is the publisher was like, oh, the game's broken. And I was like, no.

This is art. It's working just fine. And you? You can find me at Evil Jeff on Instagram and The Evil Jeff on Twitter. Cool. I love it. No TikTok, huh? I don't post anything. I just skulk. Yeah. Work. Okay. Well, thank you for joining us for another episode of The Bald and the Beautiful. And thank you to our special guests for coming here today.

And congratulations on those streamies. They'll be in the mail. By 27. Yeah. I cannot believe that. But we both moved. Oh, perfect. None of you can complain about missing awards. Would you live in a TikTok house with us? A content house? With you two, yes. Anyone else, no. Okay. Content house. Content house. What about mansions that people spray paint the TikTok logo on, right?

Yeah, it's just like a... Is the TikTok house the modern version of like a...

Literary salon? A sorority. Wow. We should find a social network that no one uses and it should be that kind of house. Or a Facebook house where we just write fake news all day. A Facebook house? We could do the Russian for a VK house. And then it would just be, yeah. That's a good idea. Propaganda. Stay tuned for another episode of The Bald and the Beautiful coming at you. Fast and wet and hot. Soon. Yeah. Goodbye. Yeah.

Yeah! Show us your clam.