Straight People Having Sex & Drinking Eggnog with Trixie and Katya
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That's the kind of beat that go rat-tat-tat, rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat. Missy Elliott. Sex music, I say blah, blah, blah. Best line. She's so good. Lyrical genius. Lose control. Lose control. The cookbook. Pass that Dutch. The cookbook. I love the meltdown. Ooh, the meltdown. It's this nasty, sexy lyrics. Nasty, sexy lyrics. I wish I knew what they were. Tempo. Oh, I love tempo. I'm really hot.

I'm really, really hot every time I work. Oh my God. So the DJ's know I shake my breasts. Yeah. There was some kind of dripping down her kitty litter. Kitty litter. Down my kitty litter. Damn. Juice is running down a river slowly down my kitty litter.

Meow. She's amazing. Meow. Missy, Misdemeanor, gossip folks. When I walk up in this piece. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything. I'm a bad mama, jamma, goddammit, motherfucker. You ain't got her like me. The blow up suit. Also, her music videos always ahead of their time. Girl. Showstopper. Her videos. The work it video that opens with her at a turntable with real bees all over her. Yeah. So wild. Yeah.

The inflatable suit, which I've been trying to get in drag with cold air. No, girl. This is the tea. I heard that the other drag tours now have our little air conditioned condos. I think we invented it. I think that we've been blazing a trail. All it took was a legit tirade from you. Girl, I love. Can I say, I think with people who work with us, I have the reputation of being a cunt.

But I love- I don't know. Compared to the two of us, I think they're like Trixie's going to be the demanding one. But I love when you lay down the gauntlet. I love when something air conditioning or scheduling or hotel or transport related goes south. And instead of me having to say something, I love when you... Is this on?

Flop, flop, flop, flop. You're fine. You can choke. Yeah. I love, because when you speak just now, we had to call him to call a manager. When you make the call, I'm always like, Oh, I just, okay. Well, I feel like whenever it's a big ask, I'm like, can,

Because, well, because I always feel like there's a looming threat of like self-harm that will verge on death with me. Totally. It's like, I'm like, I'm like, do you want, want blood on your hands? A hundred percent. Whereas me, they're like, she's being a greedy cunt. Yeah, she's being a greedy cunt. We've like, she asked to front load her schedule. Like, she demanded that we triple staff her schedule with gigs and now she's complaining. Whereas with you, everything is like, Hey, can you get the, uh, can you fix the air conditioning in the venue or else?

- Do you want blood on your hands? It's literally that. - You got two choices. Warm room with tons of blood or... - When they've got you, they're like, well, she doesn't have this greed or ambition. So if we don't make the conditions right, she just won't do it. - Yeah. There are no stakes here. - Whereas with me, it's like, what's the paycheck? She'll do it.

What is it? Covered in blood, drinking gravy, chugging piss. She'll do it. I mean, I don't. Yeah. Well, there's just certain times where it's like it feels appropriate to overreact. A hundred percent. You know, and because also like if you don't let people know how you feel, they're not going to know. Yes. Like that's nobody's our mind reader. Everybody's out to their own little world, to their own little song, their own little field of vision. Yeah. And if you don't let people know, especially where it's like

Like in a situation like that, where the assumption is that we're all on the, we're in the high of our lives and there's a huge achievement at Radio City. You know what I mean? That's the assumption. It's party time. Yeah. But it wasn't for me. Do you know what I mean? Like it wasn't party time for me. It was horrible. Girl, I was down the hall in the reception area with Vanessa Williams and she was like, it was great out there for us. The air conditioning was perfect. And she was like, I'd like to meet Kati. And I was like, I don't think now's a good time.

I didn't get to meet. I didn't get to meet. There were major tragedies for me that night. Yeah. I didn't get to meet G. Laurie Cooper. That was huge. I can't believe we didn't get to meet G. Laurie Cooper. That was a huge disappointment. Yeah.

Also, I know that there were stars in the green room and whatever. And I was like... We missed it. I missed it. And I felt... I didn't feel bad in the moment. I felt bad later, of course. But I got so upset I had to almost cry because I had to get my point across. No, I know. If I underplay it, that's not good. I can overdo it and then it'll definitely...

Get the point across. You got to do mommy dearest when she's like, I think you're overreacting. And she goes, and I think you're underreacting. There you go. Yeah. I was like, and yeah, yeah. You know, cause it was like, it's just so crazy. Anyways. I don't overreact, but I would say sometimes I react immediately. Which I think is good. No, sometimes the next day I wake up and I'm like, oh, that text could have been a little nicer. Oh,

Oh, I see what you mean. In the moment, if I'm like overheated or something, I'm like, hi, it's Trixie. Can everybody blank, blankety, blank, blank, blank. Thanks. And the next day I'm like, oh, I probably could have attached a rainbow emoji or something. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. With writing or text or anything in print where it lives forever. Yeah. You want to be editing is the key. Yeah. Like wait, wait on it. But I had, I was, um, I, uh, started rehearsing the tirade in my head.

Before intermission. Before intermission. Because once I started...

Once I started to realize that my makeup was never going to be in a state acceptable state to be on the, this milestone professional achievement. I was like, okay, this is like untenable. Like we can't, I was like, now I'm going to call like a FEMA. It's like, um, hurricane Katrina type of like, uh, crisis management, uh, emergency. It's just, and it's also not what you imagined for the moment. No.

No. Like you. And also I didn't like, I didn't show up on crack. No. Like that's, that was the big one for me. Cause I was like. I did. You know what I mean? If I had been on crack, I wouldn't have called the meeting. Cause I wouldn't have a right to. Also you wouldn't have cared so much about the air conditioning. No, I mean. You would have been like, oh, it's probably just me. No, that's what I'm saying. It's like, I'd be like, oh, don't worry. It was like sweat, sweat, sweat. You're sweating. You'd be like, I don't think it's hot at all. I actually think it's quite comfortable. Everything's normal. I think we should do another show. Yeah.

What? I'm a little too dry. The difference is you'd be having the tirade in a room alone. Yes! No one would be in there. Eden would be cowering in the corner and you'd be like, and another thing!

She'd have to be putting on different masks of different presidents so I get an audience so you can play off her. And you know, that was so funny too because Vanessa was like, we're going to see you at home. So now that's a big deal. You know, Vanessa is like a native New Yorker. So I was like, oh really? Yeah. And I was like, I was like, have you played here? And she was like, no, no, no, no. She's like just the Grammys and the Tonys. And I was like, oh, just the Grammys and the Tonys. Do you feel weird?

feel weird having big famous friends like that? These large titans of industry, these women of incredible acclaim and... Only when I remember like, oh, that person is...

Attached to this core memory I have of them singing like this song. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah like Mel B. I'm like, that's that's that's a Spice Girl It's like if Victoria Beckham walked into this into this thing. I'd be like, yeah, but I forgot about I forgot about it But I got over it in five minutes. Oh, yeah, and then now like what I was just watching Queen Universal's like that's Mel B That's my first CD was Spice World with her on it. And now yeah, it's crazy. It's just she only leads. Oh

I believe, yeah. Leads, yeah. Leads. Fucking Leads. Fucking hell. She loves it. I'm talking about a neighbor who made a comment. Sure. Thank you, Tracy. So going back, we left, I think we- Can we show them, by the way, how you prompt us? Yeah, please, please, please. This is our high-tech way for them to signal us. Yeah, this is the control room. This is the control room. By the way, I started watching that limited series on Netflix about the disaster, the tsunami in Japan. This is what we get.

Do you want to talk about your neighbor who made a comment? Yeah. And notice the six porn tabs open. Yeah. So...

There's a woman. Yeah, there's a woman. Beautiful, kind woman. Yes. Lovely woman. Absolutely. I don't know how to say this diplomatically. With big jangly titties? No, she's probably in her 50s maybe. And she is just absolutely unbelievably beautiful. Oh, because you think it's unbelievable for a woman in her 50s to be beautiful. Well, I don't want to say that a woman's age is relevant, but I also think if we're talking about innate beauty, mentioning that if we're 50 years in and she looks...

You can't cheat that. That's just a beautiful person. If aging isn't really touching you, it's working with you. You're doing good. Right. If not, you're doing, you're disgusting. You're sinning. She bumped into her and, uh, she was always very nice. And I, she saw me in drag the other day too. And she was like, I like your outfit. And I said, thank you. And she was like, um, she was like, did you end up selling the unit? And I was like, no, I still live there. So I said, I love the unit. I don't want to let it go. And she was like, um,

She's like, yeah. She's like, you look good. I said, thanks. She was like, you lost weight. And I was like, yeah. I said, I've never been drinking and I still love running. So she was like, no, you lost a lot of weight. And I was like, okay. And then she goes, yeah, sexy. Okay. She was like, you look good. And I was like, thanks. She reached into your pants and started to jerk you off. No, but like a woman I barely know to be like,

not just stopping me to yell something hey to the folks yeah yeah she was like we're doing eye contact she's like yeah no you look can i ask something i'm sure she was joking but it came out so funny because it's my neighbor who i barely know is like no you look sexy i was like all right can i ask a detail is she asian by chance she is yeah because andrew was saying and i don't know if this is true obviously and andrew doesn't speak for all asian people but um he says that in um first for chinese like custom it's like is different differs from american um politeness and custom that in that like

Like, oh, you gained a lot of weight. Like it's immediately commenting on weight. Like if friends, family, whatever is not as gauche and unacceptable as it is here. Right. Because that's very inappropriate. If you were like, oh, you're fat now. Oh, it was all compliments. I was very. I was the same thing. It was like, like, that's like kind of jarring to me. No. The thing is, I'm in drag so much that they've all seen me in this building. They've seen me take the trash out and drag in this building. They've seen me get the mail.

I need you to picture. I wish. This is the only time in my life I wish a reality TV camera was following me around. As I made my exit from the plaza covered in sweat with my ruby slippers on with an Ikea bag filled to the brim with crap, changing into my flip-flops in the alley by the dumpster, and then walking to my car three blocks in the dead of night looking like Miss Twirlina Phuket. Yeah.

Miss Coralina Puculera I was like This is That's when I really got The flashback Time warp Jacques thing I was like I was like This would be the witching hour Normally I was waiting at the intersection Cars were passing And I was like You're in drag by yourself Carrying an Ikea bag Carrying an Ikea bag That was filled To the brim with shit Filled And I was I had my flannel on

A red mini skirt. Were you in drag? Uh-huh. You had a flannel on? Uh-huh. Why? Because I didn't want my breasts exposed. Like, because I had my body on. I had my body on. So you had the dress off. I had a red mini skirt. A red mini skirt on. A flannel. Oversized flannel. Are you Daria? A boyfriend flannel. Who's boyfriend? Exactly.

- Exactly. - Who's boyfriend? - I don't know. And then I changed it to my flip flops, thank God, because I had the good sense to do it. But I was in the alley by the dumpster and I was like, this could go wrong. This could go wrong. - This is the first chapter of a very dark night. - Yeah, I was like, this is like, I know who I am, I know what I have, I know what I deserve, but this is something different. - This is the universe queuing me up. - Yeah, yeah, this is something different. Like this, no matter who you are, this could go badly.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. Speaking of all that, I have to show you this fucking crazy thing. I said to...

I love Heidi and Closet so much. And I love following Drag Race Queen's Twitter behavior. And she posted something about being eliminated from Drag Race. And I just have to troll. It's who I am. I have to get involved. Where was she eliminated? She... Oh, from the new season. She quit. Yes. She quit. She resigned. Yes, she quit. She quit. I have to find the real tweet. I'm going to make you read it. While you do that, I'm going to say, Oh, say can you see? But... So...

Her tweet was, sometimes you got to have a conversation with your loved ones to remind you how booked and blessed and highly favored you are. The lying is a trigger of mine. I've honestly got too much good in my life to let that distract me. Happy Pride, especially everyone in Bergen, Norway.

And I said, and I said, it just made me laugh. And I said, it's time for you to own your truth and clear the air and occupy your space and step into the light and return to you and become who you've always been, but also evolve into the new you with absolute clarity and confidence in who you are. And at the end of the day, life is short and you know who you are because of what you present through all the bullshit and drama.

And I thought it was like a funny response, but the comments are so earnest. Cynthia Lee Fontaine was like, thanks, my love. Well said. But also, you did not use any punctuation marks in this post. Oh, my God. You know, that's happened to me. Cynthia's like, I'm okay with run-on sentences, but I would appreciate a few commas maybe, you know? Like, give me something. The sentiment I enjoyed. The lack of punctuation hurt me. Huge problem for me. Please apologize, Mom. Huge issue. Yeah.

I've noticed as well that there are perhaps sometimes a Rue alumna will, certain levels of irony may be lost on them in terms of tone or whatever. You mean 95% of them? Especially in the written word. You know, if you were to make a post. When somebody's currently on Drag Race and they tweet like, oh, mom, it all gets back to me. All will be revealed. You're like, we have a parking ticket. Like, what are you talking about?

I also love when it's vaguely religious. Oh, I love when it's like the good Lord knows that I have ears everywhere and I will air the building. And you're like, you're fumigating now. You're like, all the insects will come out of the woodwork once this termite busting queen does her gassing. Girl, I have the angels on my side. You're like, oh,

The angels, the angles. You don't even put the angles on your side. It's so crazy. It's so, but I mean, it's a vulnerable spot to be in when you're on television for the first time and it's all on play. And there's a rampant, rabid discourse unfurling on social media. You're on the biggest show in the world. Drag Race is one of the biggest competition shows in the world. For a drag queen.

So even if you, no matter who you are, you're opening yourself up to everybody talking about you. I just have to make, I had to post because it was too funny. The Bergen, Norway is hysterical. It's so funny to me. It's like Christopher Guest. Bergen, Norway. That's right out of a Christopher Guest movie. I read it and like had to triple take like,

Sometimes I'm at the airport and I'm thinking like, maybe I didn't sleep enough or maybe I popped a goofball or maybe I'm not reading this right. But this Drag Race Girl Twitter is so devoid of irony, self-awareness. It's insane. And I can't not poke the bear sometimes. I can't not. I know. Because sometimes it's so like, it straddles a line. Because you know sometimes those movies like...

like Catherine O'Hara is really good at this. Like you're like, is she joking or is she serious? Like many people wouldn't know that it's a joke even. Right. You know, midnight at the Oasis. No, these drag queens are doing, they're doing, unintentional comedy. They're doing the rehearsal. Yes. They're doing Nathan for you. What's his last name? Nathan, um,

Yeah, Nathan Fielder. They're doing Nathan Fielder and they don't know it. Unintentional comedy. I love Nathan Fielder. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. Inventive. Crazy. Fearless. And possibly insane. I love him so much. Have you seen the Houdini one where if he doesn't get these handcuffs off, his pants are going to drop in front of a school zone? No. I only watched the rehearsal, which blew my mind. Oh, Nathan for you? The grandson's piss?

Drinking my grandson's piss. You can't find TV like this. I wish you could. You cannot. This is the exact type of things that HGTV would never let me do. Because it's hard for him to get spooked. You never see him break. But this grandson's piss got him together. Do you know what I'm talking about? During the rehearsal, he's watching this guy rehearse a scene with his fake brother. And he's going, you know, she's like fought me on the money. You know how the Jews are. And Nathan's like...

He's fiercely Jewish and he walks over goes I just have to it's coming across that that might seem anti-semitic But the Nathan's like the guys like well, that's how my brother would talk and Nathan's like well if we're rehearsing and that's how he would talk I guess say it but anti-semitism is so crazy that people don't even it doesn't even register. Oh, yeah Yeah, that that's not something you should like. Yeah crazy. That's one of the more insidious forms of prejudice I find I

Jewish people make up 0.01% of the religious population. Yeah. And they're like the number one most. It's crazy. It's insane. It's crazy. I'm not for religion. No, but I'm also not for hating people for their religion at all. How about this? Driving home from the Plaza in drag in the car. I was stopped at a red light behind a car whose license plate said no religions matter in heaven. What? No religions matter in heaven.

That sounds like it would be on a t-shirt at Dave and Buster's. Like, I was like, no religions matter in heaven. It's like, what came first, the chicken or the egg? What came first, heaven or religion? It's like, what? I honestly don't care about religion. I don't believe in religion because what I know is that when I die, I'm going to have sex with virgins. Oh, yes. 32 of them? Yeah. What are you talking about? I don't believe in, I'm not a religious, but I know about Xenu. Like, what? Mama, where are the taxes at?

Don't even get me started. Sarah Silverman had a funny joke about Priest in her latest stand-up special. It's like yelling at kids, screaming at them about hell. And it's like calling the police and be like, yeah, there's this guy and he's wearing all black. He has this whole white thing. And it's like screaming at this kid about hell. Oh, no, it's okay. Oh, also he doesn't pay taxes. It's like crazy. It's like that's the real grift and scam of the whole situation. Yeah. The financial piece. It's crazy.

Yeah, because what if you're a store that sells like a Christian store? Are you tax exempt? No. No.

One time when I, you remember when I did crank anchors? Yeah. The most scary thing I've ever done. One of the unused things they did is they had me call a Christian store. Like what? Like a Christian bookstore. Okay. And look for a very specific type of nativity scene. I was like, I was looking for one that if see it at like, um, like do you have one with like LGBTQ representation? Like, you know, where the wise men are they them? And can I get like, you know, maybe Mary's in like a Bob Mackie gown. I'm sure that did not go over well.

And the thing is when they hang up on you, the director comes on and goes, "You're gonna have to call them back." You have to call these stores multiple times because it's not realistic if you just, 'cause you have to try to keep them on the phone as long as possible. And you have to try to clown on them, but not make it so heavy handed that they pick up on it. - Right, of course. It's like the jerky boys. - Yes. So like when I called that restaurant where I was looking for my eyelash,

I had them crawling at our tables at restaurants looking for my eyelash. Oh, I hate that. I know. I actually hate that. I hate that. Even the Christian store. Cause you know, whenever I rag on conservatives, you never catch me saying fuck Christians. You hear me saying catch fuck conservatives. Yeah. Because even like some Christian lady working at a Christian store, I was like,

oh God, I'm gonna have to ruin her day. - Well, my mom was Christian up until she, you know, like was converted to Catholicism. My mom's the nicest person in the world, you know? So not all Christians are horrible, but Christianity as a thing is deeply flawed. - Not all atheists are great people. Same way not all religious people are bad people. - But like, oh, I don't like that.

I don't like that. Mary, they had me call a big and tall store. Oh, and you're... And say that I was coming in with my husband who's under four feet and I was asking them to make accommodations. I said, can you just take some of the shorts and put them in the pants section? Oh my God. Did they catch on real quick? And I asked him if they could lower the doorways so that he can hit his head and say, ow. Oh my God, I was writing this shit.

I don't know. And then I said, girl, this is so crazy. I'm talking to the guy in the front desk and I go, you know, he's also, you know, a shorter guy and he has a kind of a higher voice and you have a deep voice, sir. Do you think you could change your voice when he's in the store? He gets really intimidated. I said, can you be like, hello, hello. And he was like, yeah. And I said, can you do it now? And the guy was like, hi, hello. Cranky anchors is domestic terrorism. They make you into a puppet or something. Yeah. They make you into a puppet. So there's like a warehouse of,

Puppets who've all Anybody who's been on the show And I guess there's one of me now somewhere Damn

I was so scared. Don't yank my crank. Prank calling people is very scary. I know. It's so much scarier than live performance. I've never... We've done prank calling, but it was always they answer the phone, you say, fuck her right in the pussy, and you hang up. That's easy. Why no? But that's like the thrill. Having to start it like, how was your day? Yeah, it's good. Just anyway, I'm kind of looking for something specific. Like trying to make it real and not going so hard that they hang up. Yeah. The Jerky Boys used to do this gay character. They were like...

I like to shove furnitures up my ass. And it was so funny to me. Oh, it's amazing. But I'm looking back and I'm like, there's so much gay humor. So much humor at the expense of gay people. Especially in the East Coast for some reason. Queer. Sarah Sloman talks about it in her special too. Fucking queers. Queers. There's so many horrible...

And we just did it. I knew I was gay, but I did it anyways. Of course. I watched Reno 911 from the beginning last year. A lot of gay humor. I forget his name, but the gentleman on roller skates in that show. Lieutenant Dangle? No, not Lieutenant Dangle. That's gay, but he's playing it very straight. He plays it like if you're not paying attention. Thomas Lennon. Is that Thomas Lennon? Yes. Patrick Thomas Lennon, I think. Thomas Patrick Lennon? Maybe that's what it is.

Nick Swartzen plays a character who's a prostitute who's always on like Wall Street. A male prostitute. Yeah, where the police are like, what happened here tonight? He's like, I was murdered. Like he plays it like that heavy. I love it. Where they're like, you out here hooking tonight? He's like, no, I'm just giving massages with my mouth. Like,

I know it's horrible, but I love it. I don't think it's horrible. I think it's so funny. I love it. And honestly, not to be whatever, that was probably some of my first exposure to like a gay character. Wait a minute. Hold on. I got to show you something. A tweaker prostitute on roller skates. It's so funny. Hey, big boy. But it's true though. I love that. And I know her.

- I've been to her. You know what I mean? - I've been her. - Yeah, I've been her. - I've never been to me, but I've been to her. - But I have known many people on the barstools of Jacques Cabaret like that. - Oh yeah. - Like old barfly fags. - Yeah, with like rings. - Yeah, rings, even like an ascot sometimes, even though they haven't paid their rent in the last three months. It's like crazy. - Well, you know, Oh Honey was based on someone in our life that we know. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - And I don't think he knows that.

Oh, of course. And I don't think he knows. But there's a million of him. But one time he was like, oh, honey, oh, honey, who do I sound like? And I was like, you don't even know that I'm doing you. I've been doing you. And I think he knows now then. I don't think he knows. No. I don't think he knows. I ran into Scott Thompson at that Netflix thing. So funny. And he loves, and he loves you and I. And he was so nice. He was like, he was like, you got to hold on to that. He was like, that friendship you have, one in a lifetime. He's like, you got to hold on to it. He's like, I've worked with so many people where we let things go sour.

You gotta hold on to it. - Wow, that's really deep. That's really poignant. - Yeah, he was very nice of him. - Did he stick two fingers in your hole? - Three. - Okay, swirl 'em. - Yeah, he was fucking me and so I was fucking his mother and he was, yeah. But she wasn't alive. - She spread them lips wide. - Yeah, I clipped him off so I could take him on the go. - I love, well, gay is fun. Gay is great. It's gay pride still. - Don't look at me, I'm dead. Love shit like that. - Is he gay?

Scott Thompson? No, no. Nick Swartzen or whatever? No. And that's even better. Yeah. Well, it's hard because it's like a gay, a straight person can play gay, but oftentimes a gay person cannot play straight convincingly if the person like,

I don't know. Let's just say me, for example. It'd be hard to modulate my voice in a way that wasn't cartoonishly overcompensating for my baggy voice. Right. We're not casting Ross Matthews as Romeo. Right, right, right. Like, hi, Brian. Would you like to come back and watch me fuck my wife to completion? Stick my dick in her pussy and then I'll demand that she makes me eggnog later. Is that like straight? Do straight men want eggnog? No.

Well, it's the holidays. After I fuck her in the pussy, I love to have a nice eggnog. It's the holidays and I need to unwind. Isn't unwind? I'm going to fuck a mug of eggnog. No, my wife, Sharon. Is that straight? When I fuck my wife in the pussy, I use eggnog as lube. No lube. She's wet from being attracted to me. She's always ovulated when we got the eggs out.

But, you know, that's not really in the cards for me. Some people do. I mean, Cheyenne Jackson can, but he's not. I just almost said it. I know, I know. Extra, extra. You know, I bumped into him at the Ben and Jinx holiday show and he was seated in front of me and I started vibrating. I bumped into him almost literally at 8,000 Sunset.

he's very tall he's gorgeous shocking blue eyes absolutely stunning shocking blue eyes high cheekbones full lips like a movie star a beauty a movie star and he was like he i was like looking down my headphone whatever i kind of like and then i look and he introduces himself to me as a fan of me in of us and was so nice and i was so like

Just I was so like I was disturbed disturbed, but it was I'm speechless Because he was so the eyes he's gorgeous and he's tall and nice and you know why I freaked out cuz he has hard I've seen American Horror Story. I loved him in apocalypse when he played one of the warlocks I love him in everything so because it's good to look at she's a good actor great he was hooded justice and watchman and so I grabbed him and said I

You got to play hooded justice. You've played a superhero from the biggest graphic novel of all time. Was he fucking the guy? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I yanked it to that scene. No, he isn't. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, there's a scene where he's fucking someone in American Hero Story. Yeah, in the show. In the show. In the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's so beautiful and I'm like,

My biggest regret is I didn't buy anything from that auction. But one of the costumes they were selling was Hooded Justice. Why didn't you buy it? But now Hooded Justice is black in the lore. So I feel weird dressing. If I was going to go for Halloween as a black guy with white eye makeup. But you are from the Brewster Projects though. That's right. I'm from the Brewster Projects apparently. But we're.

I hope I don't get in trouble for that story, but I think it's pretty harmless. No, no, no. It's a mistake. It's a big mistake. It's a big mistake. Huge, huge, huge. It's like any drag mistake where you're like, put on track 12 and you're in your gown and you think it's the greatest loves of all. And it's get on up. Get on up. Y'all pussy like this. And you're like, oh shit. Fuck. Yeah. I got to turn around. Yeah. Turn around. It's crazy. Nothing better than a man in a wig poking out behind a curtain and screaming next track.

But see, that's the nature of drag. See, the problem is the disconnect happens when you take drag to this Radio City level. You can't have CD skipping. No, you can't. At the Plaza, you can. You know what I mean? We just need to get famous enough that if we want to do Lizzo Juice, we book her to sing it offstage. Exactly, yeah. We have to get that rich. Lizzo, would you ever come to one of our shows where you sing live and we lip sync? What about MC? You like Mariah Carey? I just saw clips of her-

Love MC Escher. Love. Magic Eye? Magic Eye. I noticed you didn't have a Magic Eye poster framed up in this condo. I wondered why. You know what? With enough edibles, everything's Magic Eye. Yeah, Magic Eye. Girl, checking out books in the library, Magic Eye. Kids in elementary school with a book literally this close to their face. But do you remember the moment where you learned how to do it?

Do you remember the moment? How does it work? So you, I remember it's in the kiosks in the mall. The kiosks in the mall would have them. And it looks like a bunch of just like blurbs. Blurbs. And then all of a sudden you let your eyes kind of unfocus or a little cross slightly. Yeah. And then you, it's like when the mall. When you're at the mall. It's a version. It's on the gateway to Goonan. Yeah.

Magic Eye was the OG gooning. Yes, it was guys at home on Pornhub looking at books this close to their face. But you have to like... You don't look at... It's not that far. It's like that monitor. It's like you just kind of... It just kind of... My eyes crossed a little bit. Yeah. It was magical. At Magic Eye. Yeah. Because a lot of people have a slight...

Wild eye? I do. Or a slight cross-eye? I do. Or sometimes just when they're driving or just when they're focusing? Yeah. Or some people just when they're drunk, one-eye wool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've definitely known people with wandering eyes. Yeah. You know, sisters or relative, cousins. But I often appear cross-eyed in photos. Often.

- I think a lot of people are a little cross-eyed. We just don't notice. - Yeah, I mean, lack of symmetry, Jesus Christ. We're not all Anya Taylor Joy, let's just say that. - My face looks like, remember that exercise in elementary school where you fold a paper in thirds and each person draws a part of it? - Oh, Exquisite Corpse it's called. - And you open it and go, "Oh, isn't that funny?"

These two halves. This is by Jesus. This is by Allah. This part of my head is Zinu. The body is... The Book of Mormon. Papa Shango. I don't know. Papa Shango. The wrestler. I don't know. I thought like, I don't know. Papa Shango. Everybody's contributing. It's a buffet. It's a potluck. Okay, wait, wait. Mary Fuck Kill. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sylvester Stallone. Jean-Claude Van Damme. You...

I think you marry Stallone. You fuck Schwarzenegger. No, wait, you fucked Van Damme. You marry Stallone. I think he kills Schwarzenegger. Isn't that horrible?

think so I don't think it's horrible you have to kill somebody you have to fuck Van Damme okay you have to fuck Van Damme right I agree bloodsport I just I just literally jerked off to the three second clip of him showing his butt in that movie the other exactly and then you marry still and I think Stallone would be like fun well Stallone right it's like I don't know I think he's probably very Italian I just watched the the three three episode documentary on Arnold on Netflix uh-huh gobbled it up like he's amazing gobbled it up and

I mean, crazy. So riveting. He basically popularized the pyramid style repetitions where you do like,

Less reps at more weight. And then each time you do a set, you do less weights, but more reps. Like he invented that ladder, not invented it, but popularized like laddering. Oh, interesting. Isn't that interesting? It's fascinating because I mean, you look at him. Do you think I'm gross if I think he was quite the beauty when he was younger? Are you out of your mind? Well, you know how some people are like, I don't like that. But he was, he was a beast. He was so tall.

He was so huge. Yeah. It was so crazy. But like his achievements like are so nuts. Did you like him in the Terminator, the newest one? I didn't see the newest. Oh, no, no, no. I did. He's in it as an older man. He's like the Terminator and he's married and I don't think his wife knows he's a robot. Oh, I did see it. I think I enjoyed it. I liked it too because there's a young girl Terminator who's like the new model and she's young and blonde.

She would issue three the one with the fierce one with the ponytail I thought that bitch was that was a gaze that was that was so gay coded Yeah, that was the diva and it's um not Diane Lane From my so-called life Claire Danes Claire Danes Claire Danes I remember when so the second one was wed with the liquid that's when the liquid started to happen I can one is sickening. It was sickening and then the third one was the girl Sarah The second one is Sarah Connor like getting out of prison. I think huh?

And then they're all great. They're amazing. Um, but, uh, Stallone, I cry when he gets lowered into the lava. Oh, that's right. I did too. I loved it in the second one. He became a hero. I love that shit. Flip the script on me. Yeah. When bad people become good, I'd like nut for that shit. Yeah. Oh,

Oh, yeah, because the whole first movie, he's trying to kill them. Yeah. I'll be back. And then he just like... But isn't he trying to kill them to save the human race? Let him kill you. He's from the future, so I don't know. From the future. But isn't he like, hey, in the future, humans get enslaved by robots. Would you like to stop that by dying? Don't you say yes? I thought it was the other way around. Like she was the one who saves them from enslavement, so she has to be killed. Right.

Because he's the robot. I think you're right. Yeah, she's the savior. Or she gives birth to the savior. She gives birth to the savior who frees the human beings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why he's trying to kill her. That's why he's trying to kill her, yeah. I didn't know about that. Maybe that's wrong. But the point is, he's hot and sexy. And yes, in 1974, as Mr. Universe, I would have climbed him like a fucking redwood tree and sucked the sap out of him. Yeah. Like a fucking... Lately, I'm very interested in seeing dicks. Really? Rather than...

Hearing about them. Well, let's say whether or not I'm attracted to someone. If someone's like, oh yeah, Andy is a huge dick. I'm like, do you have a picture? Oh. I'm like, do you think he would just rip it out? We don't have to sex, but like, I'll see it. Now, what's your, what's your opinion on flaccid peonies? Fine. I'm not, it's fine. I think being erect at all times is inappropriate. So I'm not so gay that I'm like, he took his cock out. It was soft. Gross. Like, what is that? That's pretty cool. Yeah.

Because I can get a dick hard. Soft serve ice cream, I'll go to Dairy Queen. Yeah, if I wanted something soft, I'd go home and lay my head on a pillow, bitch. Like, I don't think, I don't think, I don't know. Wait, wait, wait. Oh my God, it was so soft in my hand. It was like holding a fucking, holding a handful of old pastrami. A big noodle. A big, big noodle. Oh my God.

I don't know. Oh my God. I love when I know we want straight people to, we want gay people to play gay people, I guess. I don't, I don't, I don't know. We want, we want everybody to have, we want equal opportunity and for there to be no prejudice within the industry. Right? Like if Stanley Tucci has to stop playing gay people, I'll kill myself. Right. Right. Like,

I need Stanley Tucci's portrayal of gay people. It's important to me. Well, they told Arnold he was like, he struggled for years trying to break into the film industry because they said, first of all, you're too big and you can't speak English, which is a problem. Your accent's too thick. Isn't he Swiss? He became a leading man, Austrian. Austrian. Became a leading man, $20, $30 million a picture. Leading man.

He's good. I'm sorry. He's good and jingle all the way. Everybody can eat my ass. How about fucking kindergarten cop? Girl, twins, twins. Hello. True lies. Jamie Lee. Tango with the, with the Rose. You fucking bitch. True lies. He is so funny. Yeah. So funny. Um, what's his, uh, Roseanne bars, ex-husband. Um,

Tom Arnold. Tom Arnold. So good. Jamie Lee Curtis. So good. Tia Carrera. Tia Carrera. The villain. She's such a good villain. When she's in a fight in the limo where the driver's been shot and they're just careening down the bridge. I remember that part. That's amazing. At the end, the driver's been shot and the bridge is out and the limo is just flying down

it's going to drive off. And they're fighting in the limo. And he gets lifted. He lifts his wife out of the limo and the limo crashes with Tia Carrera. Tia Carrera is a hot bitch. She eats. I got to work with her. I got to work with her, you know. AJ and the Queen. She was on set the same day I was. We didn't have any scenes together, obviously. Did you say hi? I did. She was so nice. So fabulous. Was she just unbelievably beautiful? She looked the same. Crazy. So good. When she sings Ballroom Blitz in Wayne's World. She's so great. I'm not traditionally into girls, but.

my God, is she sexy. Yeah. I'm in the bangs singing. I told you I've seen that seven times in the theater. Wayne's world. Seven times in the theater. It's so good. And then Carvey, so good. Kim Basinger is as David Dana Carvey. The second one. In the second one. Right. Yeah. Laura Flynn Boyle as the, the she's like in love with Wayne, I think. With the neck brace. Yeah. The back brace. So crazy. So crazy. She loves me and she buys him a gun rack as a gift. And he has to explain to her that it's a bet. And she's like, you know what, Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.

Have you ever seen Big Top Pee-Wee? Of course. Do you know when Penelope Ann Miller is like, I made your favorite sandwich. And he guesses every single sandwich that you could possibly make besides egg salad. And egg salad is what she made him. And she makes him eat it. And he hates it so much. And I think about that scene all the time. It's an amazing movie. Pitching it like, what if his bike gets stolen? No, that's Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.

Big Talk is the circus. It's much less good. It is. It's much less good, but it features Valeria Galino. Valeria Galino, an Italian actress who was supposed to be, she was supposed to be Pretty Woman. Oh, wow. Yeah. And then Miss Julia came through. Miss Julia snatched it right out of her. Do you think it still would have been a good movie without Julia? I think, I do. You do? But Julia, I mean, come on. Never seen Pretty Woman. Beautiful Lady. Beautiful Lady.

Damn, you've got to see it. We should be doing that on Netflix live. Beautiful Lady? Yeah. Totally. Pretty Woman? I mean, it's like, it's so crazy. It's so good. Anyways. You should have Peaches do a stage version for you, Pretty Woman. Yeah. Beautiful Lady. Beautiful Lady. Come see our show, Beautiful Lady. Okay. Well, and that, so wait, anything to promote? Of course. Do it. Oh, I have a joy to share.

I have a gratitude to share here on the pod. I have gotten to be on a lot of music charts and this was my first time being on the dance charts. Oh my God. Very fun and cool. Oh, let's give it a round of applause. Looking good, feeling gorgeous. Number one on the charts. Number one on the dance chart. Honey, I'm right up there with Erika Jayne now. Oh, Erika Jayne now. Yeah, Erika Jayne then. Post-conviction. Wait, you were electronic charts.

I was all music actually. Yeah. Worldwide music, pop and hip hop. You got to do more music. No, I don't give the people what they don't want. Give,

Give the people what they haven't asked for. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Force things upon the people that they do not wish to hear. I've learned in all the, and granted I switch genres here and there, but I've noticed that no matter what type of music I do, the write-ups say country music musician, Trixie Mattel. Right. Does pulse pounding, dance thumping, hip hop beat. Yeah. Bottom anthem. Bar burner, bar mitzvah blaster. Totally. It's no matter what you do, you are country forever, which is fine. Love country. Yeehaw. Yeah. Yeehaw.

Maybe next time she'll think before she creeps.

Maybe next time she'll think before she skis. Brandon calls the meet and greet the skeet and freak. He shoved his dong into my puss. Can I actually promote? Yes. If you like Bald and the Beautiful, we have many live dates coming up. Oh, yeah, we do have live dates coming up. All over the country. And they're fun. We're going to Minneapolis. Oh, yeah. I think we're doing Boston. I think we're going everywhere, honey. We're going to go everywhere if you want to see the pot pie. Fly over country, I bet. And let's just set the tone.

It's us sitting and talking. No, it's fun though. So don't come and expect hot dancers. Oh, no, no, no, no. But they know that. No Kelly Mantle. No good performances. It's not a goon town. No, it's chatting. It's listen and learn. It's listening. Because sometimes when we don't listen, we don't learn.

And on that note. Goodbye. Bye.