The Dock of Dreams with Trixie and Katya
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It's so weird that we record in my old bedroom now because the number... I mean, this was a thoroughfare at a time. This was Grand Central Station of scrotums. I used to have guys kneel over me and stretch the scrotum skin over my face. Like a wedgie. Like a wedgie. I've been suspended from the ceiling in here with just dental floss. Oh, man. We get naked. What?

I mean, I'm just going to say what everyone's thinking. What? Should we get naked? I mean, I think we should. However, there are ladies present and I just don't feel comfortable. I think you're right. We should wait until the kids get here. Showing my breasts, my boobs, and my wet cunt. There you go.

Not to get right off the bat here, because, you know, but the day we're taping this is the day there's, oh, another school shooting in the United States. Must be Monday. It must be. I'm going to blame three things. Drag, woke. And grooming. And grooming. Yeah. Not guns. Well, I saw this woke, you know, I mean...

If they didn't have the woke, people wouldn't go broke and then life wouldn't be such a joke and they wouldn't have to shoot everybody up. Right. It makes perfect sense. We got to get shackles on woke Tina Aguilera because that's who's behind it. Yeah. And then also Judge Jeanine has to weigh in. We need to kill them. We need to kill them.

It's horrible. Another school shooting in Tennessee of all places. It's horrible. Tennessee's fucking on my list. The state of Tennessee is on my list. The state of Tennessee is in a timeout. They're in a timeout.

We don't have to talk about school shootings. I know it's a bummer. I know I want to talk about only school shootings. Well, this is a rather lighthearted satirical program. And we're not joking because it's funny. We have to joke because America is in love with guns. They love it. They're obsessed with it. They want to touch them, hold them. They want to lick them. They want to stick them up their pussy. Stick them up their pussies. Yeah. And they don't want to, even in the wake of true child blood shedding. Mm-hmm.

They don't want to believe for a second that it could have something to do with access to guns. No. There are toys that choked three kids. They're torn off the market within seconds. Ikea furniture that tramples three or four kids, it is taken off of the market. Mama. I know. Mama. One kid gets sucked under a Peloton. And then boom, sales plummet. Jail. When you go now to Azkaban, almost every cell there's a Peloton. Yeah.

It's now a form of the death sentence. How about this? A woman gets scorched by Dunkin' Donuts hot coffee. And now they got to put a warning on every cup. They have to warn people that coffee is hot. Thank you. In other news, water's wet, bitch. Thank you. It was a lawsuit. Big deal. Gwyneth. Was Gwyneth behind it? Gwyneth was working on the window. Mama. Let's keep it lighthearted and go right to the trial of Miss Gwyneth Paltrow.

I love, can I say, I don't know that. I'm obsessed. What is it called? The council who is like the opposing council, the defendants, the defendants, the plaintiffs. Lawyer. The plaintiff's lawyer is smitten with Miss Goop. Girl, she loves to be like, Aaron, what's your shoe size? About an eight and a half. Okay. That's, and it's a petite foot. Okay. You must be able to buy a lot of different shoes. Yeah. That's nice. And you have a closet. You put all the shoes on display. And then the other person keeps having to be like, um, relevance. Yeah.

So what do you got five, 10? I'm like, Oh, I'm five, four and have to wear four inch heels. It's so fierce. And by the way, the other, the other, I can't think of the word lawyer, the other lawyer litigator. I've been a litigator attorney. The other attorney at law keeps being like, but let's say Gwyneth, you were to be with a woman. Would she look like me?

Do you know what I mean? Do you like brown hair and glasses? Or are you into short women? You know, maybe women over 50, women over, you know, in the legal profession. I don't know. Will you fuck me, Gwynny? Fuck me? Man, it's crazy. My first question would be, why would you name your daughter Apple? That's the first thing. Yeah, enough about this skiing bullshit. Let's get down to the real business here. And also, was it fun to be married to Chris Martin from Coldplay? I bet that was fun. Love him. I bet it was. And also to be entangled with Brad Pitt.

Oh, I didn't know about that. So you're Brad Pitt. That don't impress me much. You like Shania? I do. I do. I love that song. I also love I'm gonna get you. It's a matter of we can't sing this. Can we burn burn burn? Let's go girls. That's triggering. Why is that? Bachelorettes.

That makes me think of me putting on the good old cat suit, the good old leopard print hooded thing and going out there and going, oh, we're going out tonight. We're feeling while people are carrying trays of fried pickles by me at the Hamburger Mary's. And then it's a woman in a penis necklace and a tiara. And you're like, well, your arms smacking you in the face, throwing up, throwing up.

But you know what? There was a drag queen, Becca Jacques, who used to do that song. And she was, let's just say, not winning any beauty pageants ever. She did that? Stop it. She was a dog type of lady. A doggish type of girl. A maiden type of dog. Yeah. And she would wear these brown patchwork boots with every outfit. A pink sequin gown, brown patchwork boot. It was so fierce. It was so, so fierce. There is a serious...

Some drag queens have a part of their brain. They're lobotomized fashion. They're Fontanelle. Yeah. Fontanelle Dupree. Fontanelle Dupree. Yeah. But that Fontanelle prevents a part of their brain from ever developing that knows what shoe goes with what outfit. Yeah. And I understand that when you start drag, you're like, well, I have one hooker boot and one clear shoe. Right. Then just wear the clear shoe unless you're doing a hooker outfit. You know what I mean? Wear the clear shoe. Wear the clear shoe. If you're on a local level.

If you're working at like a Mary's or something where they don't see your foot, pack one clear shoe. One clear shoe, one clear biscuit. Biscuit. Biddy biddy bum bum. Biddy biddy bum bum. Where's your tater tots? Here's your fries. Here's your French fries. Yeah. Could you ever, you know, I never worked at Ellipse, but there are restaurants where, isn't Lucky Chang's too, where the drag queens are the servers? Yep. Could you ever? I could never. Never.

But the first drag show I saw was Peppermint at Lips in New York City, probably circa 2001. Was she gorgeous? Flawless, effervescent. Nice. Gorgeous and energetic, bubbly, like a girl you want to be friends with. What's the smell? The smell was Chalamet. And the song was...

Beautiful stranger. I want to say it was beautiful stranger, but I don't know. You can put a gun to my head and throw me in prison. That is my favorite Madonna song. It's a great song. I know it's not exactly the pinnacle of this Madonna sound, but I love that song. It sure beats L-U-V, Madonna. That's my other favorite Madonna song. Other cities make me feel like a dork, but not New York.

What is that? Is that a lyric? I love New York. Who sings that? Her.

Her. Oh. She. Frozen. You guys putting a dog down to Frozen? That's the gayest thing I've ever heard. Oh my God. So wait, wait, let's talk about it. Yeah. So F in the chat for nappy. F in the chat. What does that mean? Oh, in video game world, when somebody, let's say you're on a team and you die, like trying to make sure the rest of the team can win. Okay. It's like a respect for a player who died in the game. Oh my God. You're going to get it. I think. This is so intense. I think you're right. That sounds familiar. Hold on.

So my studio mate, Andrew, had a senior Chihuahua inherited from his grandmother, his great grandmother. Which is different than senior frogs. Totally different. Senior frogs is a restaurant. This is a dog. Who's a senior. Yeah. In high school. 18 years old, I believe. Senior in high school. Yeah.

Senior in community. I mean, he was like, mama, this dog was old. Couldn't see. He was the end of times for him. Andrew got this dog because his... And Patty. His aunt Patty passed and like willed the dog to him, which was great for Nappy because, I mean, Nappy fell into the arms of a, at first reluctant, but very loving family with Andrew. Yes. Yes. Nappy short for Napoleon, just FYI. And, um,

He was, you know, the dog was like very cute. I had a Chihuahua. I had a Chihuahua for 16 years. And so it's not for everyone. No, no, no, no, no. It's not for everybody. It's good for family. They're not very they tend not to be very social anyways. So we had a doggy death doula come to the house. Andrew's house is me, Aiden, Pete,

Andrew and a couple of other people. Oh, and Joe, Pete's boyfriend. Doggy Death Doula. It sounds like a drag name. Doggy Death Doula. In the show tonight, we got Dusty Ray Bottoms and Doggy Death Doula. Give it up for the 12 dancing toes of the Doggy Death Doula. She's your baby sister. She's my baby sister. She's everyone's baby sister. Welcome to the stage. Doggy Death Doula. She puts your pets to sleep, but she keeps you awake all night long. So Shanna, she comes in. First of all, the soundtrack that he had,

I walk in, it was Sarah McLachlan. You know what though? There's the time and a place for that. It was the time and it was the place. It was like so crazy. So I'm like, oh, you know what? I'm probably going to get emotional because I remember my chihuahua, Raul Luis, being put down in our living room by a doggy death doula. It's Hummert.

My sister, my mother, and I. It's arguably harder to let go of people than dogs. It's really a weird thing, but dogs are difficult. Because they're perfect. They are. Because they're perfect and they're not... They're not scheming. They're not scheming. They're not underhanding. They're not pulling the wool over your eyes. They love you unconditionally and they're there just to love you. We were puking, crying. Me and my mother, when we put down red wool. It was...

Hammer time. Uh-huh. It was like... How old were you? I must have been 16, 15. So it's almost like you were born and then they were like, let's just get the dog. Wait, no, no, no. I couldn't have been 16. I must have been 22. Maybe you were home from college or something. Yeah, or yes, because we got him when I was... He was the size... He could fit into your palm. We got him from birth. Anyways, blah, blah, blah. Might have been 14. But you had really big hands when you were born. Huge. It was like skin oven mitts.

It was really actually kind of gross. Yeah, they were fused together. We had to cut them. We had to cut the digits. Yeah. But so the doggy death doula comes in. Did you know Courtney Act has webbed toes? I sure do. I do. I was like. I'm not laughing. No, you are. Yeah. And you should because she's perfect. Otherwise, everybody has to have at least one flaw. No, it makes her more perfect. She can out swim you. Oh, my God. She's got flippers. Oh, my God. You're right. She's Daryl Hannon Splash. Fuck.

She's got that mermaid pussy. So the dog-eat-death doula comes and it is like all of a sudden, all of a sudden I'm like, oh God, here we go. Here we go. Can't stop crying. I was going to lose it. It was just so, so sad. We're all in black. Everybody's in black. And the Frozen by Madonna is playing. And then Enigma is playing. And then it's just the most ridiculously, it's so sad.

It was so dramatic and gay. It was so dramatic and gay. But the woman was so... This was at Andrew's? Andrew's house, yeah, in Pete's house. So you were all in black. Was it like American Horror Story coven, like black lace, pointy hats? What was it? I was just in head-to-toe black, just kind of like this, a little dressed up jeans, black jeans. And then Shanna comes in, and she was so funny. She was so soft. She talked like this now. Oh, my God.

Now what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give him a shot and then he's gonna go to sleep. - And you know things like this, that. It was like every step of the way she was very like, she was the gentlest, most like empathetic, just, she was the sweetest person in the world. And then she invited us to some death dinner. She'll host some death dinners. - What is she talking about?

Well, I think it's you bring a friend and there's a lottery and well, one of you dies at the end of the night. No, I don't know. It's like a grief death. So does she charge for that? I'm confused. No, no. It's just a social thing. It's like how do you, you know, dealing with death and grief. And she was like, you know, after this, sometimes people like to go eat together. No, no, no, no. I think she has like during the week. But you know what she did? She took that fucking dog carcass, wrapped it up, swallowed it. Not swallowed it. Swallowed it.

swaddled it excuse me imagine if she ate it that would be so fierce in front of you yeah she said you know after I put it down yeah does anybody want a leg I mean she swaddled it put it in the back of her fucking Prius and then hit it what about when people are eating like carving up a turkey and they go like are you a leg guy

I don't like that. Maybe it's because I'm a vegetarian. I don't like, are you a leg guy? Are you a breast guy? I'm a neck guy. I don't like that. I'm a gizzard guy. Are you a lizard gizzard guy? I give me them gizzards. You got some feet. So she put Nappy in the Prius. And then what happens? And then she got hit by a car and it was terrible. That's not even funny. Guess who got in a car accident yesterday? Who? Are you serious? I'm in my Uber. Okay, I'm building on your story, not derailing your story. No, I'm done. Okay. Okay.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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I'm in the car on the way to Santa Monica to the recording studio to work with Nick, who produces my tracks. My Uber gets sideswiped. Uber sideswiped. I've never been sideswiped. It's not the same as being rear-ended or front-ended where you lurch. Uber gets sideswiped.

Two cars going the same speed touching. It's a different sensation. It's very, you feel almost furious. You felt the rubber of the tires skid like a foot right on the road. It almost felt like, and then I noticed that car so close that I could reach in their window. Like their windows. No, you should have. So the car slowed down and the Uber took out his AirPods. The driver had AirPods in. Okay. Could have been part of it. I don't know.

But I'm scared as a drag queen to tell any stories about Uber drivers without being 100% honest about what happened. Precedents have been set. Yes. Yes. So then I go, oh, God. And my Wisconsin came right out. I go, oh, did he get you? Yeah.

Like, I think that's empathetic. Oh, crap. Did they swipe you? And he did hit him. And we both knew. And I think this way to soften it for me was to go, oh, did he get you? Like, I didn't notice. I noticed. You noticed. We all noticed. Who was at fault here? Was it hard to say? We were driving straight and this guy merged into us. Okay. So, and I said, do you need me to stay and say anything? He said, Uber might send you a...

A email or whatever asking to say what happened and I said, yeah, you were driving straight in this guy merged into us. You were driving drunk with your AirPods in. So then it was 15 minute walk to Nick's. I was in Santa Monica already. So I was like, I guess I'll just walk. So then I start walking and I had shared my location with Nick. He drives by and picks me. He was like, hey, you need a ride? I was like, yes, I do. Damn. Sideswipe. Is that your first Uber accident? Uber accident? Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. I had one too. I had a couple of them actually. And it's, you know, it, it,

You're always driving. No, no, no. I hate to say it. I was like, that was my reaction. Now I'm in mid-city.

Yeah. And I got it on the street. Now I got to call another. You lean forward and you go, this is actually very inconvenient for me. This is like, I don't mean I, I just see you, you're broken your neck and you're bleeding on your eyeballs, but this is like totally disrupted half a day of skiing. Can you wait two more blocks? There's a Dave and Buster's up there. Oh, I've been wanting to go back to Dave and Buster's. Have you? Yeah. Ski ball. Yeah. All that revolution on tour. I got a lot of gift cards as gifts for Dave and Buster's tokens. I'm ready to go in there.

Just goon and groom. Yeah, and I have a lot of points right now and you can redeem some of your points for appetizers Get out of here go in there and get your little Southwest egg rolls and play your little Guitar Hero It sounds like food and fun. Yeah, and I love Guitar Hero. So I go in there and I put on a show Oh, you let him have no one cares. You look you do wear wig. No, I just I'm in there like right

And no one cares. People are like, oh, you bald, faggy fuck. Yeah, sit down, Mary. Sit down, you fuck. From the back, they're like, is that Sinead? That's the only bald woman I can think of, but there's so many more bald women than that. Susan Powder. Well, she's not bald. She's bald blonde. Do you know Susan Powder? Stop the insanity. Nope. She might have been before your time. I know Susan Boyle. Oh, I know Susan Boyle. And I know Suzy Orman. Suzy Orman. How about Suzy Kurtz?

Is that a name? Swoozie? Swoozie Kurtz. Yeah. Um...

I really like Susie Orman. Okay. I listen to her Women in Money podcast. I have to fucking listen to it too. I don't know what the hell's wrong with me. She's taking, okay, there's so much. Give me some intel. Well, there's in the money world. Yeah. There's so much mystery. People who know how to work the system to make money don't want to share the information. And it's mostly men. Yes. This is the Women in Money podcast where she fields questions from moms, daughters, parents,

Wives, whatever. Nuns. Nuns. And she tells people like, hey, my husband did this with our money or like, hey, I'm trying to create an emergency fund. What's the best way to start that? She goes all the way from like, how do I open my first savings account up to like stuff I don't understand where I listen to her episodes about like trading stock. I don't know how any of that works. Rederivatives and all that crap. I don't know how any of that works. Or when she talks about, I mean, I know what an IRA is, but I don't really know what it is. I think we've talked about this. Your impersonation of her was very good.

Oh, I mean, it was, I don't know. I was unprepared. I'm not saying she's a lesbian. She is a lesbian. I know. But God forbid a woman calls in and tells a story about like, my husband persuaded me to do something stupid with money. My husband owns a boat. My husband keeps one of us. She. She has no time. She leans in and she says, girlfriend, girlfriend, you are denied. And she.

- She shuts them down. - Time to start munching on puss puss. - Yes, throw the dick away. - When you marry someone, you marry their financial situation. - Oh my God, guess what I just learned today? - What? - I have exceptional credit. The highest credit score you can get. - Let's celebrate that. Now what does that mean? - It means that I could get a boat loan tomorrow. - That probably helped you get your house. Did you take a mortgage?

I took a mortgage. Yeah. No, but I was like, you know, Bank of America loves to send me these. Check your FICO score, cunt. And so sometimes I do. And then I was like, all the way at the end. Exceptional. I was very good for quite a while. Now I'm exceptional. It's like one through 800, right? Is that right? 830 or I think it's up to eight, a little past eight. Would you check that out for us, honey? I don't know what mine is. Let's check it. Get your phone out.

I could get a loan for my new house. Of course you could. You could get a loan for anything. But I think that had more to do with my income and less to do with my fabulous credit.

Well, yeah, that's fair. Yeah. Having good credit doesn't mean having good income. Of course not. You can have great income and terrible credit. Or you can have great credit and not great income. Right. Yeah. It's a scam. In a way, it's a scam because it keeps people – it's a gatekeeping mechanism that keeps people from – This is something I'm very passionate about. I don't like that in America the bank will say you can't afford an $800 mortgage, but your rent is like $1,500. Yeah.

Mary, I can afford this rent, but you're telling me I can't afford a mortgage for half? In Minnesota, for example, I know that they have something called a first-time homebuyers thing where instead of paying a 20% down, you can get 10. Okay. That's helpful. Which is game-changing. Yeah, game-changing. Game-changing. And the other thing is I wish there was zero stigma around mobile homes, trailer homes, prefabricated homes, tiny homes. Because when you're 25, if you could afford to buy a trailer and live in it,

You have no rent. That means in five or 10 years, when you want to buy a house, you have not spent a decade throwing money out the window. I know. Yeah. It's a little like funny or whatever when people come over and you're like, yeah, it's my little love palace. Ha ha ha. Yeah. But ha ha ha. How about like, oh, the elevator is broken and we have to walk five flights of stairs and there's no AC. And my roommate is having a pound fest and is, is on, you know, is twirling the pookie and there's cockroaches in the hallway. That's what I mean. You could live in a trailer and like own your home, live alone,

All you have to do is throw a row of utilities and then someday you just sell it. I mean, I'm talking out of my ass here because when I, I lived in a trailer until I was 18 and I was always really ashamed of it. And looking back, I'm like, God, knowing what I know now. That's different though. You were young and you're, I mean, no young kid wants to be poor. And also being a family in a trailer is different. I know people have children. There was one, two, three, four, six of us in a trailer. That's a lot. Six of us is a lot. That's one bathroom.

Yeah, we had five of us in a bathroom, but that was a house. Yeah. One shower. Me and my two sisters and my brother shared a trailer, a bedroom. Now, was there a shower? Obviously, there was a shower in the- Yeah, we also had a fridge, bitch. Listen- We had lights. You have a TV? Yeah, we did. No, I mean, have you ever been in a trailer? Yeah. You have? Yeah. Because David Silver, he'd never been in one, and I was trying to explain to him. I was like, it's a lot like the tour bus. Yeah. But-

not that nice. I mean, I don't know what a new mobile home looks like. I lived in a mobile home that was maybe from the seventies. Okay. So it was a lot of paneling. Now this was not a mobile was you couldn't, you know, this was the kind where it was like you buy a plot of land, you pay the state to set you up a water pump thing and what do you call it? A septic. Okay. And then your house gets delivered, plugged in. Of course we weren't the first, first owners of this thing, I'm sure. And so I remember moving in and

Because I lived in a trailer young and then we rented a house for all. And then I moved back into a real trailer at like eight. I was like four of us. Okay. I share a room with my brother, whatever. But then two babies came along. Four children. Oh, girl. I mean, this is kind of crazy. I slept in my sister, Sam and I, who has a baby now. She and I shared a single bed.

Into my teens. She was like five six. That's so weird to think about now, but it was so it was so normal It's just but what Charlie and Chocolate Factory? Yeah, I was grandpa Joe. Yeah piss in the bed They were all peeing on each other everybody's grandma Josephine. She's she's sucking the cum out of a condom as she pulled out of her own ass Well, anyway, I just wish young people now had options like I

I understand apartments and condos exist, but if you live in a town where you can maybe afford to just buy a mobile home for under $20,000, the down payment for a mobile home will be $2,000. And then until you get a house... Is that they're really only $20,000?

I mean, some of them, yeah. If you bought them like second or third hand and it depends where you live, obviously. Of course. If you had a mobile home in the middle of Manhattan, which doesn't exist, it would cost a lot more. Well, that's just called an apartment. Yeah. In the East Village and it's going to cost you about $1.5 million. And I don't want to be like dumb and out of touch because I've spent over half my life in a trailer. So I do know what that entails. And if you live alone, you're a professional. Yeah.

I'm not saying it must be a trailer. Basically studio apartment. But I wish they had more options like that. No shared walls. No shared walls. That's fabulous. Blast music. Come and go as you please. My trailer looked like, do you remember in Kill Bill when Bud gets killed? That was my trailer. Lovely. Paneling. Spit, spit cup. Yeah. And you know, there's obviously some drawbacks, but I wish that there was more options for young people to own property that didn't cost a million fucking dollars. Yeah. Every, um, gen generation Z, um, person I talked to, um,

It's like a joke to them. It's a joke. Owning a home or owning a property is just like, ah, yeah. Yeah. Call me when you like sprout, you know, fucking antennae and start fucking pigs or whatever. I don't know. I love YouTube videos where it's like, I toured the smallest apartment in Tokyo and it's like 200 square feet.

I'm very interested in people who can live with very little. Is 200 square feet small? Very. Just for reference, can you... This entire condo is 1,400. What about this square footage of this room if you had to guesstimate? What would you say? This is maybe like... This is 10 by 10. So 10 square feet? Well, what's 10 this way and 10 that way? 100 square feet? This is 100. Oh, so, I mean, an apartment that's twice the size is huge. That's what I mean. Yeah.

I just wish there was more options. I lived in a closet for five years. In a closet. How small are we talking? Like a dorm? Like your bathroom. Lofted bed. Yeah. Lofted bed. As an adult. From 25 to 28, 29. It was grim Tina. But if you, I mean, I'm not saying everybody 20 would prefer to live in a palace. Of course. It was $250 a month. But when I was 20, I was just...

I felt like Beyonce because I could live on my own. Yeah. It was so worth it to me to live shittier and not have roommates. I was like, Oh, see, I had four roommates. It was so gnarly in a room like that. Or that was your bedroom and the daycare underneath. It was a lot. It was a lot. It was a lot. Yeah. But you know, $250 a month to live in Boston. Can't really beat that. We are deliriously fortunate to have homes. I know. I know. Yeah.

But anyway, not to bum everyone out. I just wish there was like, like when I heard about the first time buyer thing in Minnesota, I'm like, oh my God, for somebody to pay half the down payment, life changing. Yeah. The down payment really is that is the hurdle is a, is a, just an insurmountable hurdle. Cause once you get that down payment, your mortgage is probably about what your rent would be.

So then you're just not throwing money away. And what do you have to do? Either a rich parents, which not everyone has. No. Or someone has to die or like. Yeah. Doggy death doula. Doggy death doula has to get hit. Who's going to inherit money? Mama, who's inheriting money? Not my ass. Not my ass. My mom has so much debt. I'm trying to keep her alive. Thank you. Yeah. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I just, I wonder what that's like. I met this guy who was like the son of a shipping magnate at the gym. And he is a.

he's clearly, his family is extremely wealthy. Billions. And, and it's like, I was talking to him briefly about like, you know, he's making jokes about like, oh yeah, I love my family. Can't wait for them to die though. And because, you know, like he stands to inherit probably like a hundred million dollars. Fun. Yeah.

I mean, that's what do people call that? That's fuck you money. I love that term because it's psycho. It makes it seem like people's dream is to get rich enough to tell people to fuck you. Yeah. Which is such a weird goal. I know it doesn't. It's like it's so no. I have a friend who had a boat for a long time, a big yacht, and all they did was half the year. What do you think about houseboats that are on land? People live in houseboats on land. I say we get a trailer.

At that point, you know, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my first summer in P town. My options were either to rent a apartment for the summer for $8,000. What? Three months. Yeah. $8,000. He's down so expensive. It's like $2,500. And I was like, well, I don't know how much money, I don't know if people would even come to my show. So I was like, who knows? My other option was there was a small, small, small houseboat on sale for 15,000. And I remember thinking,

well god then i own it it's there but then every night after my show i have to paddle out on a dinghy to and i drink and that's not how i'm going sleeping with the enemy mama she's gonna fall right off the boat and never be heard from again i'm getting penetrated in davy jones locker you would be the little mermaid you would be the little the big mermaid ariel's white areola

Yeah. I would prove that Ariel should have never been white. They'd be like, she drowned. I can't imagine you after the show, still little raccoon eyes on, drunk as hell, paddling. With the trade. Yeah. Don't worry. Can you grab that paddle? Come on. Yeah. Don't worry, honey. You know, I don't know. But I thought about like, well, if it's a floating little boat that just has a bed and a mini fridge, at least I have privacy. Well, when the storm comes, when Hurricane Bob rolls through, when Hurricane Diane comes a-callin'.

Did I ever tell you this story about the boat? My first day in P-Town, I don't know a single person. And you know, P-Town's its own little ecosystem. When you're the new person, I'm the new drag race queen in town doing a show. Everyone's like, so you're her. So what can you do, bitch? You know, I'm sitting there. This guy takes me for a lobster roll, by the way, disgusting. Oh, putrid. Putrid. I don't even eat meat, but I was like, I'll try it. And I was like, this is fucking nasty. And your whole family. I'd rather eat cat shit. A hundred percent. Deep fried. Deep fried.

So we're sitting there on the beach and I'm like, so promise to have me call. I had a different voice. And it was a lobster. My friend, he's sitting next to me. So nice. And his name's Troy. And I was like, God, look at all the boats. And he's like, yeah. And I was like, look at that little shitty one. Look at that little ugly, shitty little yellow one. Like, why even have a boat? He's like, yeah. And I was like, you know, and he's like, that's my boat. And I said, yeah, but it's nice because it's small and you can park it. I don't know how I tried to like.

And that I was mutilated. The first person, not mutilated, mortified. Mortified. I wasn't mutilated. He mutilated. So then later in the summer. That sucks. Did you ever, did you stay friends with him? Well, there's an area offshore in P-Town where when the tide is low, a little island appears basically, and you can have a little party. So one summer he took me in that little single seat boat.

Over there and I was like your boat is cool. Yeah, it gets you from point A to point B How about that dick dog give her a fucking round? I went down there once because I had to experience it and I just walked through and I'm gonna play you guys a soundtrack now Okay, so it's dark. There's waves crashing. Can you be the waves and then the winds kind of blowing? Can you do wind? It's so far away. It's okay. Just think it and then it's um, it's Oh

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. And I walked to the end. I turned around and walked out and I said, I get it. I get it. I get it now. That's why they call it the dick dock. Sucking dicks under the dock. All right. But I always thought I was too good. I always thought I was too good to go to the dick dock. What do you mean too good for the dick dock? Because I was like, that's.

A little too girls gone wild for me. Oh, really? Sexually. Blowjobs? Public dark blowjobs under a dock. It's under the dock. Look what you just said. Public dark under the dock. It's hidden. Yeah, I guess. It's not like it's in the city hall. But then other nights, I meet up with a guy. We start talking. We start making out outside the bar or whatever.

This is crazy. I've never even told anybody this. They were building a house on the beach. Somebody's like brand new house. The doors hadn't been put on. It was like all plywood. Me and this guy, a little bit drunk, went in there. Yeah. Fucked it till you splinters in your ass. Mary, me?

oh your fly isn't done one foot up on a window while this guy eats my ass just blowing in the wind one foot on the dresser another on the club tear it up like old newspaper because it ain't built right no way oh oh so i just think it's funny that i was like i was like that's oh god see they're coming to get the groomer so i just um i remember getting like tongue up my ass in an unfinished home being like

And I'm too good for the dick talk, but I'll break and enter. Oh, you're christening it. Yeah. And now that house is finished. And when I'm in P-Town and I walk by it, I'm like, that Brittany Murphy clip of I'll never tell. That's me. You've seen my cousin Vinny?

uh-huh of course marisa tomei i just watched it again today she eats she and joe pesci mama everybody's eating and shitting all over it everybody's eating and shitting ralph machio ralph machio what a lovely guy karate kid handsome fella but marisa tomei oh yeah the guy from the monsters yeah and i'm also better yeah i'm dead is better gauge yeah um

Yeah, Marisa Tomei is so good. If you guys don't know, anybody who's attracted to women, because I bet you a lot of the young girls who watch us don't know about Marisa Tomei in that movie. Oh, maybe, perhaps not. The body, fire. That clip of her on the porch pacing and she's in a bodysuit. The wardrobe is cunt. Face card, unbelievable. Hair card, voice card. The comedy she delivers. Yeah.

From that stand? Yeah. Because you don't know the answer. It's an impossible, it's a trick question. Those monologues, girl, she rips them up. She literally, she tears that shit up. And I was watching it on YouTube yesterday in the studio and David Mason was like, you know, Madonna would have killed for that part. I was like, mama, Madonna couldn't have her.

It just would have, Marissa's so, she's so good. I can't imagine a single person. I know. And I think apparently, allegedly she got, she got an Academy Award for that best supporting actress. Yeah. And she was shocked. By mistake. Allegedly the guy who read the card, maybe Jack Palance, oldie, oldie just read the, her name. Cause it was at the end, but it wasn't necessarily the winner.

Because they hate to award comedy. I know. So it was a big shock. I'm not sure if this is true, but that's what he said. But it would make sense because it was very unusual for them. But she did so incredibly well. I mean, it's such a good role. I love award show tea. Love it.

Love that. If nobody's seen Milton Burroughs and RuPaul. Oh my God. Milton tries to get fierce with RuPaul. They're presenting together. And I get the pairing. Glamazon, oldie. That's fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Milton goes off the cuff and tries to ad-lib something about her. And RuPaul just snaps at her and says, what do you want me to change your diaper or something like that? Fierce, fierce, fierce. And then in the press conference afterward, RuPaul would never today.

But she's really cunty and feeling herself. And she lets that whole press conference know, well, this is why I said it. She tried to get fearsome. They had to bulldoze her. And what? Like, and I also love Katy Perry getting waterboarded by slime.

At the Nickelodeon. Have you ever seen this clip? No, no. Oh, I got to watch it. If anybody at home hasn't seen it, Katy Perry is presenting at the, I think like some kind of Nickelodeon awards, maybe kids choice awards. Okay. She gets absolutely waterboarded. Oh, because the slime comes, the slime comes. Okay. Oh, you got it. Okay. Watch. Looks great. Not thrilled. Not thrilled at all. Blinded cataracts. That slime is in her brain.

She hates it. She's like, I'm sorry. That's not okay. No, no, no. They got her down here looking gorgeous in her blue wig. That level of, it's actually unsafe. It's supposed to come from above. Up her nose into her brain. That was a fire hose. That was a fire hose. That could have taken, that took her eyelids off. Could have gone in like lashes up in her eyeballs. Infection. I hate that. Isn't that horrible? She doesn't deserve that. She deserves a lot, but not that.

That's terrible. I hate that. I would be fucking livid. I'd be livid. I would pick up the podium and throw it into the crowd. Because it doesn't... She actually is so shook by it that I'm sure the producers backstage who in a moment knew that they were wrong were like, like...

Trying to protect their jobs. Like, did we almost just kill her? Who decided on that force, the velocity, the pressure? God. God. It was God. I don't know. She doesn't deserve that. I mean, that's crazy. Imagine if it happened to Madonna. Mama, she would have pulled out her AR-15 and would have gunned down the entire audience. No, it would have. That did happen to Madonna. She made an incision, took the slime within the hips, and that's where she's at. Listen.

Listen to the song within your heart. I have to say, and I...

I never going to meet Madonna and I don't care. And you know what? That video of hers with corn rows in surrounded by people saying, Oh, Amy Schumer. So should I go on tour? Yeah. And they're like, yeah, girl, go on your legends tour. But only if you play the hits, I'm talking like a virgin lies. La Bonita. She's like, okay, you think I should do it? You think I should do it? I,

I'm going to do it. Let's do it. I don't need this heightened pretend scenario. You want me to believe that she's on tour because Amy Schumer and Bob the Drag Queen told her to? And Meg Stalter. I believe that she should go on tour. Snoop Dogg or whatever. Yeah.

But that was a weird video. It was so strange. It was so strange. I was like, how much did everybody get paid? Probably nothing. It's so strange. So, so strange. I don't like those manufactured, like viral. You know what I mean? Like we want to do a viral moment. Yeah. It's not Ocean's Eleven. Yeah. Like we don't need to just get a bunch of celebrities in a room to. It was just girl, get out the iPhone and sing Imagine. You know what I mean? Like do that. That worked. Yeah.

Did you know that that did work? I did a TikTok making fun of that and it got removed for bullying. I also did the Dan TikTok lip sync to Tyra saying, what did you call me earlier? A fag enabler that got removed for hate speech. Of course that got removed. Fag enabler. I love that. Love. So you describe me as a fag enabler. And Tyra says it like, so you say I'm a fag enabler. She goes, Ooh, why don't you tell us what that is? She says it like she can't wait to be called a fag enabler. And that's an ally.

Tyra's like, please say it again. She is wild. I was just talking with Westboro's there to make her look normal. Mama Westboro. And then so Tyra, you got Tyra, the fat suit. You remember? Of course. Gwyneth, the fat suit. You remember? Mary. Brendan Fraser, the fat suit, the whale. Yeah.

I recently watched, so we're having, again, this discourse about The Whale. I can't believe it was made. I haven't seen it, so I can't get into it. I won't see it. We have to see it. Okay. We're going to watch it. We have to see it. Okay. We'll watch it. You know what the sad thing is? I bet I'm going to love it.

I bet I'm going to sob watching it. Hong? You think Miss Hong would lead us down the wrong road? I think that we would find her down a dark alley and be buoyed by her presence before we were then knifed and shivved and robbed and left for dead.

And what's her name from, from, from, uh, Sadie Sink. Yes. I trust Sadie and I trust Brendan, but I don't trust Darren and I don't trust the fat suit and I don't trust the modeling. Anyways. So shallow, how watch the trailer for that? Holy shit. That movie was not that long ago. No, no, no. It sure wasn't. And it was maybe 20 years ago. It was 2001. Well, it's important to not judge media from, um,

With the eyes of today. Well, but right, right, right. So, but I'm saying like, you know, there are classic films, classic pieces of literature that, that can age. Of course they have, there's certain things about them, whether it's language or whatever, that is anachronistic or somehow like, you know, evolves into offensiveness or whatever. But this was...

It's hard. It's hard. But if it mortifies us now, it means progressive movement. That's a good thing. It's a good thing to be mortified by that. Yes. But it just, I mean, looking back, it's the same thing with Ace Ventura. Ace Ventura. Girl. Mama. I enjoyed that film very much. My household did very much. Saw it several times. Looking back now, again, that was probably 25 years ago.

The fact that Sean Young's character had a penis made the entire, well, first it was the crying game spoof. Made everyone throw up. Yeah, the crying game spoof, which was like, made everybody throw up. Everybody threw up. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. Like the Goonies or whatever. Yeah. It's just, it's so wild. The trans thing, the body thing, we are, it is so crazy how much. Honorable mention, Jim Carrey eats in that Ace Ventura shit.

Oh yeah. He's, he's very funny. I love him so much. Very funny. And I love Sean Young too. It's a pity that they had to, you know, so beautiful. Finkle and Einhorn. Finkle and Einhorn. And that old woman who plays his mom. I remember the old woman who plays the football player's mom. I don't remember. You don't remember it. Laces out the cookies with the laces out in that movie. I don't remember that. I guess one of us just like a better fan. Um,

No, Shallow Hal. What's sad about Shallow Hal is the moral of the movie is don't judge people on how they look. How people look does not matter. Right. At the end, he doesn't love her because she's revealed to be thin. Right. Or wait.

That's not right. No, the premise though is so. Oh, the premise is crazy. It's so crazy. Tony Robbins, Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker gets caught in an elevator with him. It's like hypnotizes him to only see the inner beauty, which translates as all fat people are nice angels and all skinny people are fucking horrid devil. Yeah. Well, do you remember the scene where, do you remember the scene where there's like that hot girl? Yeah. But we only know she's hot when Gwyneth Paltrow's talking to her. Yeah.

And then the rest of it, she's like an old witch woman. Yes. The reveals are so crazy. It's really fucked up. I think that concept was better executed long term in like, I feel pretty.

Which one was that? She hits her head at a soul cycle class, Amy Schumer. And then she looks in the mirror and she's like, she's like gorgeous. Yeah. But her image doesn't change at all. Right. She sees herself now as. Yeah. That's something different. That is. That's something. But it's the same concept.

more graceful in the execution. It's not about how she looks, it's about how she feels about herself. Right. And it's also not relying on just a ton of really cheap fat jokes, like jumping into the pool and emptying all the water and a child flies up into a tree. Because that happens. When my fat friends jump in the deep end, I often end up in a tree. If I have my floaties on, especially. The part of that I'm fine with is the child getting

thrown into a tree. That's fun. He should have been impaled by a branch though. Love that. And then been like... Yeah, she's like, oopsie. We're like, you know, she'll drink a whole milkshake and she'll throw her panties at him and they're like size like 14X. It's just so crazy. The trailer is fucking crazy. And I love Jack Black. I like Jack Black too. And I also like Winnie the Pooh, but wow, what a fucking stinker. Different times. I wish Plaintiff would have really pulled a punch or two in this trial and asked her about Shallow Howl.

But this is, what year was it? 2001. But this is a time where every movie was about disguises. It's like white chicks that, I mean like all these movies about like people, this, Hey, like even Mrs. Doubtfire, like you want to see your kids? I guess you're gonna have to dress like a woman. Tootsie. You want a job? There's a time where costumes saved everything. Yeah. You want to do something? Become a different person. You want to be taken seriously as a journalist in high school? Be a man. Just one of the guys. Or, um, uh,

Never Been Kissed. Yeah. Poses a high schooler. It was always like. So funny. Very Shakespeare in a way. We like pretend to be something. Also, I just, I'm obsessed. I'm always obsessed with this genre of movie that posits cross-dressing as the most effective problem solving technique. Yentl.

Yentl, Tootsie, just one of the guys. Mrs. Doubtfire, the birdcage. You want to cross-dress to solve a problem. To make your life easier. And also you want to switch seamlessly back and forth between roles sometimes two or three times in an hour. Fascinating. Fascinating. But you know what? I've heard that in the Klumps movies, he's not even in it. No.

Tandy Newton said that. She's never, he's never in like Norbit or whatever. Who's Tandy Newton? So Tandy Newton is, she's starred opposite Eddie Murphy in one of those movies. Oh, I love her name. She's so, Tandy Way. Now it's Tandy Way Newton. She is a fucking diva. She's so fierce. But yeah, she said, she's like, how was it working with Eddie Murphy? And she's like, I don't know. I hardly ever did. All my scenes were like opposite a stunt double. So fierce. Yeah.

Crazy. But you know what the kicker is? I love cross-dressing in movies. For any reason. Really for any reason. Have you seen Just One of the Guys? Of course. The sock in the pants? Yes. Love it. I love it. And also I love when someone is cross-dressing and someone else doesn't know it and they accidentally develop a heterosexual bond, but the one who's being deceived thinks they're turning gay. It's so wild. Love that. At the end when she rips open her shirt and she has these huge boobs.

Love it. It's so fierce. Let's recast. Oh, but it's so iconic. Let's do Kill Bill. Okay, Kill Bill. So we got The Bride and we got The Four and then we got Bill. Uma Thurman, Margot Robbie. Margoleen McRobbie, for sure. Vivica Fox is going to be Tandiway Newton. Love it. Yeah. Lucy Liu is going to be... Lucy Liu again. No. She could play... She looks the same age. I mean... Seriously. Lucy Liu will be...

Oh, fuck. God, there are... Why are... Oh, Gemma Chan. That character has to be Japanese because of the story. She's Japanese. No, she's half Chinese, half Japanese. She's half Chinese-American-Japanese. Okay, so she has to be... I think by today's standards, you would have to cast someone who's actually part American, Chinese, and Japanese. No, I don't think so. I mean, I'm not from... Lucy Liu, I believe, is probably...

half chinese or something maybe i'm not really sure what it is because even vivica's role there's there's jokes about like i should have been black mamba that character has to be right right right right right i mean honestly it would probably like the bride doesn't i guess the bride does have to be white for that joke to work too i don't know um what about i mean bill could be anyone bill not david keratin bill has to be somebody else bill could be anyone i was never crazy about i was never crazy about that casting

No, no, but there's a whole, there's a, there's a mythology. Cause he used to be in the show called Kung Fu. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would do, um, for, for bill, I would do who would be, um, fucking Will Ferrell. Jack Black. Cause he's fierce. Jack Black. Yes. No, Paul Dano. Adam Sandler. Oh,

Are you Bill? No, Adam Sandler's going to be Bud. Oh, yes, I'm Bill. Adam Sandler's going to be Bud. Adam Sandler's Bud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love it. Yeah. And then, you know what it would be, Bill? Who's Daryl Hannah? Oh, Daryl Hannah would be... One eye patch. Somebody who looks good in an eye patch. It'd have to be... It would be... Samara Weaving? I would believe that she hates...

Samara Weaving and Margot Robbie are kind of like they're doppelgangers yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah love that totally did you see Scream yet no Samara Weaving's in Scream I know I didn't say her she dies at the beginning and it's fierce yeah I wasn't gonna tell you all that but I'm glad she ruined the movie for you I told her to spoil it for me because I'm not gonna go see it um and then um uh

Julie. So, and then Sophie Fatale played by, she's played by an actress called Julie Dreyfus. It would be Julia Louis Dreyfus. Love, love. Is that actress really French? So that actress, it was really, she speaks fluent French, fluent Japanese and fluent English. She was amazing. She's perfect. Her Japanese and French are perfect in it. That scene where Bill's behind her and they haven't revealed him yet. And she has one arm and she's like, she told me I could keep my wicked life. That's not her accent at all.

She's not British. I don't know why I did that. She's a little British in it. Her English is like British a little bit. Her English is not American. Yeah. And she's, yeah, she's, she was, she's not American. She's born in France, I believe. She is so fierce. Those smoothies? The taste, that flavor? Inglourious. Oh, how about Inglourious Bastards? Never seen it. Oh, you've got to see it. Diane Kruger. Diane Kruger. Okay. I got two words for you. Diane Kruger. Mm-hmm.

I got to watch it. You have to watch it. I'll watch it when I'm in Australia. You've got to watch it. Diane Kruger socks it to you. All right. Okay. I'll watch it. Should we wrap it up? In German? Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up in a condom. Bye. Use condom. Bye. Oh, this is fun for the YouTube. If you guys have great casting decisions for these movies, sound off below. Yeah. Oh, really quick. Who would you cast in Reggie Roachoo?

All-Star Season 2. Anybody's an upgrade. Except Roxy. Roxy's... She originated the role. Mama. Roxy is the lead. I would put Alyssa, Yara Sofia, and Tammy Brown in there. I think for Alaska we get Juno. She's already blue. Boom. Perfect. For D... We get Anitra. A rapper. Oh, Anitra. Megan Thee Stallion.

I want to see Megan walk in those chairs. Oh yeah. Love. Yeah. Yours? Margot Robbie. Margoleen McRobbie. Yeah. Let's get Loppet out to play you. Oh great. Great idea. Same costumes. Should I bring that yellow suit you love? Oh wait, wait. I got her. One last thing. One last thing. She just released a new album. Mama, it's so mid. Oh no. So mid. I'm fighting. I'm fighting for my life. Did you do this?

Yeah. I did this. I was like, listen to the whole thing. And I was like, okay, well, that sucks. Yeah.

- I'm fighting for my life to learn to love it. - It's tough because musicians are allowed to change their vibe. - Of course, and also- - You're also allowed to not wanna follow them down that vibe. - That's what happened to Lana Banana. They both released their albums on the same day. Guess what? Flop Tina times two. - It's a cursed date. - It's a cursed date. Two women I used to adore, now I revile. That's not true, but anyways.

Music is hard. Have a nice day.