The Intoxicating Power of Desire for Our 100th Episode with Trixie and Katya
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And we're here. We're here. We are back. Are we rolling? Well, we never know, do we? Mark. Mark. If that is even your name. Your real name. Oh, there we go. More like Mark not recording. Say it again. David's slowly realizing how much my mind is a smattering of like vines and TikToks over the past 10 years. So the house is dead silent. Maybe I'm in the kitchen at 10 a.m. entering the dishwasher.

And I'm like, fuck right in the pussy. Yeah, shit like that, where I just talk to myself and he's like, what did you say? And I'm like, it's not for you. Yeah, I was for me. It was insufferable in the studio yesterday. Insufferable. I'm sure I went to, left to go to the gym. They were probably like, thank God. Cause all I would do is, thanks a lot, bitch. And then I would go, God. The sound effects from KNFW, Nympho Wars, the 12 of them that they use every single- That they use incessantly. Incessantly. Over and over. Yeah.

So delicious. I mean, it's just this way. It's at a loop. If you looked inside the brain, it's just a hamster wheel with those words just rolling around. It's so crazy. Me here in the studio alone eating Green Chef and me going, what about you being built like the bus driver to myself? What about you being the bus walking six feet talking to my other self? What about you being built like the bus? What was I doing the other day? I was like, um, the, uh, I do that. Yeah.

I think it's probably just from Nymphowars. It's like, oh, peel.

That's from Nymph Awards? It's an edition. It's a Tori Amos clip. Oh, yes. So I played the Eden and Andrew. They're not Tori Amos fans. They had no idea what it's from. I played the song this morning while I'm getting ready. And you called at the exact moment she said peel. So she couldn't hear it. Isn't that weird? That's psychic. No, I'm psychic. I really, really am. Yesterday, David's friend Tom was over, a good friend of ours. And Tom was like, he was like, so Brian. Oh.

This is his voice. I'm just doing his voice. I love him. He knows I do his voice. So whatever. Oh, he like three years ago, he goes, so I heard you have an impression of me. And I went, you did? And he's like, yeah, it's this. And then it was sort of like, don't make me sing where I was like, I don't want to do it. Tom. But he was like, so I heard you're like a little psychic. And I said,

I sense your tone right now and I can't get into this with you. Yes. Because the instances where I was psychic would blow your fucking mind. Yeah. So we're not doing this. And your cynical ass not believe in brain is not about to get blown right now. Yeah. And then I said, okay, fine. And then I started telling the whole, all of the instances in order. And then he was like, God. Pretty much. Pretty much. Can I also say, this is my,

I don't know how to say this diplomatically because I love drinking and I love having a vodka and owning bars and getting drunk. You love to get your turntino. But I'm taking a little break for, let's be honest, vanity, thinness, productivity. Listen, all great things. Listen, sometimes- I feel like in drag you can't discontinue drinking without like a-

A coming out party? Yeah. Or like an announcement or something? And I don't want to say I'm quitting. I'm saying me and drinking are on a hiatus. No, no, no. You just say, I don't see her right now. I don't see her right now. I love her. I didn't see her today. Oh, she's doing well. Yes. God bless her. She's out of town. God bless her. Yeah. I still have her phone number. And I will revisit her again. Yeah, I have her phone number. But I'm on a break right now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we follow each other on MySpace. And I don't, and I just, I've been drinking at least a few, at least once or twice a week since I was probably 22, 23. Yeah.

Hold on a second. Once or twice a week since you were about 10 years ago. That's a long, that's a lot of drinking. In drag world, that's drinking. But in a human world, that's a lot of drinking. In a drag world, that's like, oh, you eat lunch. Right. Exactly. Yeah. So I've just taken a break because I was like, wow, I've been in nightlife and everything so long. Yeah.

When have I ever taken a long break? Congratulations, wonderful, good luck. It's not a journey. I'm not bragging to my sober friend about how I quit drinking for three weeks. It's interesting for me to hear because I'm the opposite. I've been on many journeys with every other type of substance besides alcohol, really. I've gone years and years and years without drinking, but

I want to ask you, oh, you don't perform drunk. I don't ever drink before shows. So that's a big hurdle not to have to jump over. Well, I've never performed drunk and I don't even have a sip of wine before shows. So professionally, that's whatever. But I love to drink after shows. I love to get on the tour bus with a giant glass of white wine. To be honest, it was the routine of like...

Oh, it's nighttime. I'm going to have a drink after dinner or whatever. That was hard to break at first where it was like, oh, this is the time of night where I usually have a drink or something. Right. So what do you just do? Eat some Cheerios, Skittles? No, it's either. A glass of water? Delicious potable water? No, I love a little bubbly. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Starburst. Yeah, yeah. Marijuana. Sugar. Yeah. Louise. Something about marijuana too. A little puff puff of marijuana. You suddenly don't, you don't want to drink. You don't care. You want to eat.

You want to eat or you want to like lay down and watch television. Think about stuff. You want to think about stuff. I love to play video games a little high, but, um, let me ask you this though. What? I feel like this is the elephant in every room. Alcohol tastes like the cats. I don't think it does. Okay. I, I, yeah. Straight vodka room. Do I want to sip it? No, you don't want to, you know, but I think therein lies the artistry bartenders, mixologists, they take something that maybe isn't,

It's not Sunny D, right? It's not automatically delicious. Sunny D is my reference to something delicious. I was going to say, that flavor palette is very suspicious now. Sunny D is disgusting. Capri Sun. Capri Sun.

But like... Crystal light. Bartenders and mixologists, they make those drinks great by not even... Real bartenders, they don't like cover the taste of the alcohol. No, they juggle the... They pair it with something that makes it make sense. Totally. They're like chefs for liquids. I mean, I would argue that like... They're like scientists, really. They're on the moon. They're doing NASA. And I will say my little side effects of not drinking include...

I am way less, I've had way less fast food, way less irresponsible eating. Yeah. I get up a lot earlier. Good decisions. I get up a lot earlier. No hangover in three or four weeks. Clear head. I don't think I've ever had no hangover for three weeks.

Talk about it. I mean, it's lovely. That's the thing that the, the, as you age in the, so there's a fabulous, wonderful podcast, um, by the Stanford medical university professor, Andrew Huberman, where he goes through the whole thing. He's a professor of neuroscience and neurobiology, whatever fabulous podcast where they break down alcohol. Mm-hmm.

And they just put the kibosh on all these things like a glass of red wine, blah, blah, blah. Alcohol is straight up a poison. It's bad. It's bad boots, the house boots. I love it. Yes, no, no, no, no. And I'm not saying it's like I love plenty of bad things. No, no, no. I love it. I love in gay world, gay people drink. I love the culture of drinking in gay world. I love gay bars. I love...

All of that. Yeah. But it's also okay once in a while to pump the brakes. But I will say the last few weeks, me declining drinks, it's never fine. It's always, oh, is everything okay? Where I'm like, it's okay to wear a wig and discontinue drinking. It doesn't mean that you need to be hospitalized. Do you know what I mean? I just think it's funny that when you're a drag queen, you decline a drink. People are like, oh. It's like, no, I'm just...

You're either doing a bit or you're about to go to the rehab or whatever. I'm like, can I have a glass of ice and a CBD gummy? And they're like, okay, where do I go? So I'm pretty much Deepak Chopra now.

I'm going to say Oprah Winfrey. I'd say Mother Teresa. Yeah. Mother Teresa. Princess Di. Princess Di. So it's been what? 13 days. 17 days. Well, New Year's was my big hurrah. I said, you know what? I'm working New Year's and I'm going to be done after this. I wonder what the, so I know people do the no nut November. That's disgusting. This was not January related. No, I know. I know. It just happens to be. But you're like, now you're calling me a bandwagoner. No, I'm not. I'm calling you. I'm saying that you're playing against type by following the crowd. God.

it. But no, this is a big, I'm trying to make a segue into the gym. Sure. So like the resolution, that old tired chestnut of like, okay, I'm going to quit drinking for a month or I'm going to quit smoking or go to the gym. That stuff is real. People really do this in January. But it

It's also a good thing. No, no, of course it is. But I'm surprised. It's funny to make fun of where it's like, oh, the gym is full. It's January. All these porkers will be gone by March. You know what I mean? I understand that mentality because that is what people think. And it is what happens. When a bunch of new people show up in January at the gym. There's a reason why gyms run promotions for New Year's. Yeah. I mean, gyms run promotion for holidays for that reason because they're like, um,

don't you want to eat like an animal and keep the weight off? I mean, I read a lot of fitness magazines and there's always articles about strategies about how to keep your physique up. Yeah. Let's say you're really into training, but you're like, well, I know I'm going to gain weight over Christmas. That's always a conversation being had in these health magazines. I don't, I don't understand why they don't talk about diet pills.

They should talk more about what is it? Fedrin? That's the one that the Yeah it was outlawed Because it's cracky right? Well pseudo ephedrine is the precursor That's what they used to make that So fen fen is like that was back in the 90s When people were like popping those and they realized Oh shit that's just speed Jesse Pinkman By the way the color symbolism in that show Walter White he's so pure then he's corrupted Jesse Pinkman pink is youth in that show

and his wife's name is sky blue the crystal meth is blue all color symbolism second time i watched it i was like oh this whole show is colors all of it the white lotus did you with the white load never seen it i told you don't watch much i know i wish you would though because this is the one fascinating thing about the white lotus phenomenon was that it seemed to me to be the one one of the rare things that actually bridged the whole gamut of gayness like dolly parton

Yeah, kind of. But you know, like, hardcore conservatives and gays come together at the Dolly Parton. Like, the basics and the snobs came together for the White Lotus. For the White Lotus. And everything in between. Like, the hipsters, the basics, the circus. I mean, every type of gay. Now, what is the White Lotus? The White Lotus is a limited series on HBO that had two seasons, both featuring Jennifer Coolidge. No, but why is it called that?

It's a resort. Also, Mike White wrote it and directed it. Okay. It's a resort. It's a fancy resort. The first one was in Hawaii. The second season is in Sicily. It's fabulous. Only six and seven episodes, respectively, each season. I think you would live. I don't know if you would.

Maybe I would. You got to watch fucking Fleischman, bitch. I got to watch that. Get in a Fleischman. Okay, I'll find out. He's in trouble. For Jesse, I'll watch it. You see him fucking.

A lot of nude. Mama, you see him fucking, not sucking dick and cock, but fucking women. Fucking pussies. Right on the pussy. He's gorgeous. He's lovely. He's not gorgeous. He is attractive. I wouldn't say he's classically. No. He's not Rock Hudson. No, but in the series, so he's a divorced doctor and he got married before the apps.

And so he's on the market now and he's discovering that now as an adult man in his probably early forties as a doctor, he's desired and desirable. And that's a new thing for him. So like uncoupled, remember when we watched that and they were like, what's grinder? Oh my God. I know. They're like, it's frozen in time. I think about that show a lot. I think about that show as much as I think about sex and the shitty. I mean, I'm in just like crap. I think about uncoupled a lot. I'm like, who was this for? Because I,

Old gay men. They know about Grindr though. I think it was for me. Old gay men weren't Encino man. They're not coming out of ice. We don't go to bed for 10 years in coffins. No. So I don't know what that was. But they did it for Sex and the City reboot. It was like these characters were thawed out from the 90s. They were like,

Too much woke. It's getting daughters. Yeah. It's like, what? It's so weird. Whereas these people are tastemakers in their time. They would have adapted ahead of the curve. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like so bizarre, but you know what I, what I like about the gym to go back to the gym. Yeah. What I like about fitness in general is that it changes lives. It's the best thing you can do for yourself, et cetera. What I don't like about, I know that fitness is also a business, but

And what I personally like about running is that it's not behind a paywall. Many gyms, trainers, et cetera, so many things are behind a paywall. If you make more money, your options to stay healthy are many. I'm not saying that's a rule. - No, no, no, it's not a rule. It is an unfortunate sort of feature, but I think it also goes even further back to the way we think about fitness. The fact that we compartmentalize it, it is something separate

Totally. You don't access your body. You are your body. You are your body. Moving around is free. Yes. In fact, it was not only free. It used to be required. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wimberley told me, he was like, think about it. You use your body every day to do work.

You rarely pause to work on your body. Yeah. Mind blowing. Well, we're now in a situation where we have to say, oh, wait a minute. I need to use my brain. I need to like move my body because the structure of our life is so inhuman and non-animal that it's like we have to fit in these activities to keep our body husks from just rotting.

Do you know what I mean? It's crazy. That is really the way that that makes perfect sense. It's wild. Like this guy, Ido Portal is like this, this movement, like pioneer in it. He's like, I don't want a gym. I don't want equipment. Give me a corner of a room and I'll show you the best workout of your life. Cause it's just, it's just moving your body. And like, I was raised like that. So like, while I love a fancy gym, which I now go to, and a story about that, cause I saw the most attractive man I've ever seen in my life naked two inches from me yesterday.

At the gym. Did you see me yesterday? Stop. Was I there? I said man. Oh. You didn't talk about a tight cunt and wet nipples. Wait, wait. I was in the changing room. The women's. It took...

You were you work there you were cleaning the showers you were stopped and they come up with this I was cleaning the toilets with my tongue Yeah, you know, I'd love to do you know those gyms that have lockers where you open them. Yes, you know lockers The ones where they give you a key. Yeah, it's not yours permanently I would love to open and be in there and be like well how about this one? So of course I go into when I arrive empty locker room. She's my locker blah blah blah when I go to bat change and

The two men have chosen the lockers to the left and right of mine. So we're all in it together. Right. We're rubbing up against each other. And I look up and I see quite literally, like he made, you know, my, my porn friends. Yes. This guy makes them all look like kennel club dog rejects. Okay. He is so, it's like, I was like, I almost like choked a little bit. You clenched. I clenched. Not even clenched. I like, I seized. Oh wow. I was like, oh,

For just a few seconds. No one. That's the problem. He plays himself. Wow. Yeah. You know, it's like Joe Manganiello, dog. Brad Pitt. Really? Yeah. But it was particular to me. Like he was, if I had to create the perfect man, this was it. What did he look like? He was about 5'10". Dark eyes. No, he was like, he looked like maybe Italian or Middle Eastern, perhaps. He was like all of his skin. Chilean. Could have been. I'm not sure. Dark hair. Dark hair.

that kind of a muscular physique, five, 10 perfectly proportioned so that he looked like he was a bodybuilder maybe five years ago. And he's getting back to it the last couple of years. So it's not like super cut, but it's very like, it's thick, it's juicy, it's muscular. He had a huge ass, a giant package in his pink panties. He had pink panties on? Not like girl ones, but there were briefs and they were like, they were like, uh, uh,

this color no do you think he recognized you no no it's definitely not no i think it was straight oh he was and it took my breath away took my breath away and he was so beautiful but probably 28. good for him yeah social security number was 016. i'm happier and did you like did you leave him alone oh of course so then after i seized up i got snapped to it and i'm like

Holy shit. You went back to scrubbing the toilet. Yeah, I was like, I tongued that ball. Yeah. I got the tongue in that ball. I was like, the power of desire can ruin your life in 10 minutes.

Yeah, the decisions those snap decisions because you were just lured by that Fucking beauty is real beauty is real if somebody like that came up to you and said give me the keys to your house I just would like I have a spares. You just was but yeah, it's just that's the power of drag though Of course, this is a power of the illusion. I go in someplace out of drag. I

People cry sometimes. No. Oh, we will get treated like bald, ugly faggots. Invisible eyes. Yes. Invisible man. If we go in somewhere and drag, I think we could pretty much get whatever we wanted. Yeah. It's the Lehman Brothers. It's Wall Street. We're the Wolf of Wall Street up in there. Well, we talk about a lot of privileges in the world. We don't talk much about beauty privilege. Pretty privilege. If you're a tall, muscular man, you don't have to pay the ugly tax. Women are putty.

We don't have putty. You don't have to play that. You don't have to pay that ugly tax, mama. I've been paying that tax. Yeah. Half time. Now, this is why I put on this little clown suit so I don't have to pay those taxes. Well, I wish that was true. You have to pay other kind of taxes. Taxes. Taxes.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Wait, speaking of taxes and numbers. Uh-huh.

Happy 100th episode. Happy 100th episode. It only took a minute. Happy 100th episode. I can't believe, listen, when we started this. 99 episodes on the wall. I thought we were going to have four. A good little shuffle. Yeah. And then pack it up, Mary. Yeah, pack it up. You're rotten and wretched. Yeah. But I would have never expected to like this as much as I like doing and Netflix and touring. I love doing the podcast. I love podcasting.

I love it. No, yeah. We're in drag. By the way, don't get used to it. Oh, no, no. This is not to predicate that we will be. If you want to see us in gowns, lovely gowns, there's a million other things we're in with lovely gowns. Absolutely. By the way, have you not yet complimented me on the construction of my lovely gown? I did see it. Any other questions? I did see it. Truth teller. I did see it. Now, let's talk about the stitch work here. What about it? What about it? Do you see that hole? Sorry, what? Oh, wait. Let's talk about that.

Alternative hem. Alternative hem. It's alternative facts. Oh, we didn't cut the thread on that. Listen, nobody's perfect. Jesus. It's very Charlotte Roos. I never said I was the perfect mother. It's Charlotte's Roos. Charlotte's Roos. The Roos is that, you know, she made this dress and it's actually a very nice dress. You make great dresses. Thank you. You know, my dream is for you to start making these dresses for people to buy. That's,

That's okay. So that's my dream is for you to monetize this great hobby you have. See, I don't think you know about the world of fashion, fast fashion, sweatshop, slavery, and couture, but you could make them for people.

But then I wouldn't enjoy it. But that's the secret of life. Finding something you love and turning it into an interminable slog. Every part of my life, the seed was something that I loved. And now that seed grew into a tree that I work at. Yeah. That literally shields you from any nourishing sunlight. Love it. Wait, have we talked resolutions? So we got, so back to resolutions, January, dry January, you're feeling great.

you're feeling great no hangover clear one i mean i love i love no hangovers when can i tell you when i have wanted to drink you have when i'm somewhere where people are drinking how do you so how do you do that like well honestly it's the other day the other day i went to karaoke it was orbel peck's birthday you did karaoke sober mary i was the only one singing because everyone was waiting to get drunk i did about five songs in a row i did short dick man

I did work it by Missy Elliott. Okay. So we're doing black sense now. Oh, can I say there's entire sections in Missy Elliott. Yes, I know. Cause she's a black woman. I don't think I remembered. Uh huh. And so in the middle of the rap, I had to stop singing and go, I didn't write this. I didn't write this. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Yeah. And then I pick up because I love this artist. Yeah.

But I don't necessarily feel comfortable saying all those words. But other words such as sex me so good. I say, blah, blah, blah. Don't I look like a Halle Berry? Me, by the way, me bald out of drag saying, don't I look like a Halle Berry poster? You don't. No, no, no, no. But you're enjoying the music. And it's fun. Me stone cold sober watching David and Noah Cyrus sing rain on me.

Noah Cyrus? Yeah, and David Silver singing Rain On Me. Wait, Noah, is that a famous person? Yes. Where were you? There, I was there too. At the Playboy Mansion? No, it was Break Room 86. Have you been there? No. I personally don't like karaoke that much, but I love Orville Packett's birthday. I said, we are going. Okay, okay, gotcha. Famous people. And it's one of those places, I don't know if I can tell their secrets, but- Don't tell their secrets. No, it's a backdoor entrance. Didn't we go to this together? No.

Mary, this is where the cast party was. Oh, I walked in and then 10 seconds I left because it was horrible. It was there. Okay. Okay. So, but it's a fun little karaoke spot, but then no one's singing because everyone's waiting to get drunk. And since I'm not getting drunk, I said, well, I better just sing now because then I'm off the hook later when everyone's tipsy and starts putting in five songs at once. Totally. Because everyone gets confident. Yeah. If you get on the dance floor first, you don't have to dance later. So barely anyone's there. Okay. And I'm singing Rock Lobster.

Oh, I love that. Well, no one's drunk yet. I'm like, people at the party. Yeah. Everyone had matching towels. And that's great, though. Like, that's if I want to dance, I'll go early to the club and be the first one on the dance floor. I'll get it all out of my system. I'm in bed by 11. Totally. And then Orville has a bunch of straight friends there. And I'm up there singing. What the fuck is that little thing? You need some tweezers to put that fucking thing away. That has got to be the smallest dick I have ever seen in my whole life. Get the fuck out of here. And Orville's friends are like.

If I were doing karaoke, I would be doing Kaya fucking me tonight. And I'd be like, you Dick growing in my pussy. And I like that. Well, rap is fun because people will rap is fun. Well, we talked about that before. It is people at karaoke sober. Rap is a great way to engage everyone because if you know it, you'll just wrap along. Yeah. It's contagious. Yes. Everyone's growing in my pussy. And I like that. It's amazing. Yeah. Um, so Jen dry January resolutions. Um, I made a resolution to quit smoking. I lasted two and a half minutes. Um,

um but then i but it's all i think orville sorry i think um juno birch is currently trying to quit she tweeted 48 hours without nicotine it's very inspiring i bet it's well isn't that the type of thing where it's the hardest at first well smoking is different than anything the first time smoking is different than anything so you have smoking then you have every other substance okay because nicotine while it is an addictive chemical

Nicotine in itself is not that harmful. Smoking is carcinogenic. Right. Causes cancer. It's like you don't stand over a fire, like a fire in the forest and go, you know what I mean? Like inhaling smoke particles is crazy bad for you. Is edibles better for you than smoking? But it's different. I mean, marijuana. Is edibles better than smoking? You don't ever want to smoke.

Period. Smoking, inhaling burnt particles into your lungs is not great. Now the kids who are vaping, are they doing, is it better or worse? Vaping is not great either, but it's different. It's a different bad. It's a different bad. Tracy, what do you think? Is vaping better or worse? It's worse, right? Oh no, no. But then edibles? For marijuana, edibles is fine. Edibles is the safest, right? Edibles is lovely. We're not talking about- Edibles is safest. Edibles is lovely. Love her. Love her. We love edibles. Love everything about her. Yeah, yeah. We don't love machinery with edibles though.

No, but the sickening part is you can get like a one milligram gum. Of course. It's lovely. Lovely gal. But like the trick of the smoking cigarettes, the trick of that addiction is a trick. Yeah. Because how the fuck can I sleep 12 hours straight if I'm truly addicted to smoking?

How can I stand an 18 hour flight? Do you wake up in the first thing you think about is smoking? How can I handle an 18 hour flight to Singapore and not become unraveled, sweat or crazy? Wait, I have a question. Do you know what I mean? Well, when people quit, let's say they're really coffee addicted and they quit coffee, sometimes people get headaches. Yes. Do people get headaches from quitting smoking? Perhaps. I have quit from anywhere from one day to two years, many, all the stages in between. And I'm talking pack a day smoking. Yeah. It's nothing.

It's all in your head. Do you know about that book that makes you quit smoking? Yes. Why are you reading Manhunt when you should be reading that? I need to read it again. It worked for a whole two months. And I quit for two and a half years at one point. Because you believe, I don't want to get so woo-woo, but you believe, you trick yourself into believing that there is relief from this moment. No matter how bad or good or whatever is going on,

Somewhere in the future in two seconds or in two hours, I'll be able to be okay. It's a very deep grooved delusion. I don't think it's an illusion. I think it's like, it's a delusion that you believe because it's fake. What's fake? The,

The fact that it calms you down. It doesn't calm you down. No, no. Oh, that's all fake. But I'm saying believing and recognizing that like super powerful, you will get through it is very real. Oh yes. That's very powerful. It's a crutch. It's only part of meditation. That's real. It's like you make it happen. It's, it's the, it's, um, the power of the mind. The mind is a very powerful tool for good and for evil. Absolutely. But, um, the smoking is insidious, but alcohol is rotten.

Alcohol is tough. Smoking stuff. I mean, it's it's smoking is pointless. Alcohol is fun. Well, with alcohol, let's say you drink like a normal straight person. Let's say that actually, though, what is a normal straight person drink like? I think a normal straight person is probably having maybe a glass of wine on the weekends. I think one glass of wine on the weekend. Yeah, I think alcohol straight people. Yeah, I think people with kids, et cetera. I don't think they're drinking a lot.

You don't know about wine moms? You don't know about alcoholics? No, I know about wine moms. Oh, we're talking about normal. We're not non-alcoholic. But I'm saying gay world, and I love being gay. Why do gay people get tanked? Well, in gay world, I think it's because- Why do people get tanked? You got to imagine. I'm just going to analyze here, and I say this as someone with a lot of gay bar experience. Of course. But I think that, let's say 20 years ago, for example, gay bars were the place that you could go be gay, and the act to do in a bar is to drink.

And so drinking became synonymous with, I'm going to go relax and be myself with my friends. And so drinking becomes part of the fabric of the activity you're doing. A way that you can be yourself. Yeah. Show yourself. Yeah.

All places have fierce mocktails. All places have fierce soda options. I just want to rethink personally my instinct to always, yeah, I'll have a drink. It's like, maybe I don't want to, or maybe I have to work the next day or maybe like there's always reasons. The squeeze, whatever the expression is. Yeah. I guess I want to drink with intention and not habit. Does that make sense? Absolutely. Where it's like, oh, this weekend I'm going to a fancy dinner. So I'm going to have.

For example, the other night I was out with Lisa. Me and her were at dinner and she ordered a bottle of wine. A Negroni. No, a Vanipal Posse. And I was like, this is a moment where if I wasn't trying to prove a point to myself, this is when you have the drink. Yeah. For your little grown up moment. Of course. I mean, rich, successful, beautiful woman. Yeah. What could be wrong with her? Blacking out on a Saturday just because I'm gay. Talk about it. You can brown out. You don't have to black out. No. You know? Gray out. I just, I feel, I care more about my health than I ever have.

Good, because you are on the... I'm on the decline. Can I say this? You're not the decline. I saw pictures of myself. Recently, I was researching pictures of myself in Rocky Horror when I was in my early 20s, 1920. And I was like, I wish I had been more into fitness then. My body looked so thin. Chubby and thin at the same time because... Thin does not equal good though. But I'm saying I don't look good. I said I wish I had been into exercise that young because my body looks like...

I'm so gay and frail and afraid to move or be physical at all. I know. You know what I mean? I do. I do. It's the one thing that there's the one area of my life where there has been unwavering discipline. That's really true. Where did that come from? My dad. So he was in. Shut the fuck up. That drag race clip of RuPaul going, where does this humor come from? My dad died. It's so funny. I'm not used to that. Spagliato. It's Negroni. Oh, I can't do it either.

Tracy, you're a lesbian, right? Were you turned on with a Spogliato Negriloni? It was a Negroni, Spogliato, with Prosecco. Okay, thanks, Tracy. Yes, and? You think your dad made you aware of this? I know. So my family, stunning, show-stopping, off the charts, Dina Martina. Yeah, your dad's in fabulous shape. No, but I mean, in general, people, character, they're wonderful. Couldn't be better people.

They were very permissive, very accepting, very open, very tolerant. However, there was one rule that my dad, who was very nice and soft and wonderful, would be hard as fucking rock on. Which is what? Not hard as a rock. Your dad's hard as a rock. No, hard as nails. You have to move your body.

You have to constantly be involved in anything you want. Figure skating, soccer, football, karate, gymnastics, dance, anything. But it has to be consistent. It has to be probably three, four, or five times a week consistently.

And it has to be always. It's non-negotiable. But I think, I mean, not to be woo-woo, I think that's an expression of love. Of course it was. Your dad's trying to set you up with a lifetime of, you know. And it worked. It worked. It is. Now, did he mention not smoking cigarettes and doing a little drugs on the side? No, no, he's like, smoke cigarettes, do the meth, do the coke. And put on a wig. Yeah, yeah, put on a wig. You can do karate, but you need to put on a wig. Yeah, dress like a girl. But you gotta move your body. I mean, what happens when you smoke crack? You move your body.

Is that why all your numbers were always so physical? Because you're like, dad could be watching. Mom, I know he's watching. Yeah.

And he's hard. No, no, no. I mean, like I, cause I was, it was always that like he, cause he trained since he was a teenager as a martial artist. It disciplined boots down. That explains when I met him, he beat the shit out of me. He kicked me right in the balls. Your dad looks so much like you. Karate chucked in the neck. It's like a twin. Really? That's so funny. I think people think your mom looks like you, but after meeting your dad, I'm like, okay, this is your twin. Yeah. That also looks just like your sister. My 70 year old twin. Your brother looks just, I mean, families look like each other. I get that's the whole point. But,

But your dad looks just like you. And he looks very trim and young. Mama, he's been about the same weight. Mind you, he's had two hips, both hips replaced from kicking so much. You know, roundhouse kicks. Did you talk to your dad about your hips? I sure the fuck did. You're at an age where you and your dad are talking about your hips. Mama, we're talking about, I was like, how's the aftercare? He's had three hip replacements. One twice. Catch it. My brain was like, relax. Where's the third hip? I don't know.

I'm sorry. And then a knee. Yeah. Bones. Karate is not safe. No. And his orthopedist, I think at the first one, he was very young, like 50 or under. And the orthopedic surgeon was like, why don't you just stop kicking? He's like, I can't. Wow. Yeah.

But anyways, it was like, I mean, I was, I'm so lucky because that is something I see it all the time. People struggling. It's like, oh, I have to go to the gym. It's like, I have to go shovel shit for an hour or I can't look sexy. Sucks. Yeah. But you don't have to think like it's don't think about it like that. Cause he never said you have to lift weights, right?

You know, you have, he never told me what to look good. No, no, no. Yeah. It was like, you have to be engaged in a physical discipline. You have to. And then I found, I had a foundation for movement because I learned to do what I wanted, what felt good. Now I know how to move my body by myself. Right. And it's wonderful. Do you know what I'm talking about? I don't think of it as going to the gym. I think about it as my fun time. I think that's a healthy way to look at it. I mean, listen, some people just have an aversion to exercise and I think that,

But I think that that comes from not being made to do these things younger. Yeah. And also like not being encouraged to find something you like. Also fear, a lot of fear of weakness and violence and, you know, boxing bitch.

boxing, football, concussions, injuries. - I know. - It's like aggression. - I mean, it's like, oh, you're having a tooth problem so you're afraid of the dentist. It's a little bit like, I'm afraid to go to the gym 'cause I'm afraid of even that process. I'm afraid of looking stupid. I'm afraid of a room full of machines that I don't even know how to use. There's just so many layers to it. - Well, the gym is itself that, now there's a whole thing. It's better actually to do, to not do something than to do it incorrectly when it comes to the gym. - Oh, do you love the videos of people using machines incorrectly? - I saw some bitch,

bust up her knee to watch her knee dislocate because she was using something backwards it was terrifying was this in person no no it was a video i was like oh my god making a video trying to pop off for instagram showing her using the machine she was doing it backwards and her knee went it's crazy but it but never mind that like the it's just like the if you think about it like

fitness. It's just like, it's not washing the dishes. No, no, no. It's not washing the dishes. It's not picking your kids up from prison. It's not like, you know, putting the dishes back in the woods. It's not like a chore that you have to do. Well, it also depends on where you are in life because when I first went to my first running store, which is real, there's running stores and Paul's running store. Of course, there's all the gear. And I said, well, I'm really excited because I'm doing my first marathon. And he said, I've done 21. And I said, you've done 21 marathons. He goes, yeah. I said, yeah,

That's crazy. I said, I just did my first one at 30. I said, I wish I would have started younger. He said, you can't think of it that way. You don't have the mental fortitude. That's what he said. He said, endurance sports are all mental. And when you're that young, you don't have the follow through. And I never thought about that before. It's not just about starting early. It's about being in a place where you have a new feeling about exercise. Cause if I was a straight guy,

- Imagine. - Hard to believe. - I wouldn't wear this outfit. - Not those shoes. - Higher shoes. - Higher shoes. I think I would have done sports through high school and then I would have entered college being somebody who had spent the last four years using my body all the time. - Yeah, yeah. - Instead I entered frail and gay with an acoustic guitar

Whereas like worked for John Mayer. I'm real thin, but not in a good looking way. Yeah. In a, in a, in a pudgy backwards gay way. Yeah. And it wasn't really about looks either. It was like, well, this is a whole world that I don't even know how to begin. It's tough. It's like, and it's like, it's very daunting. It's like, um, people who say I can't do yoga. I'm not flexible. Yeah. It's like, I can't take a shower. I'm too dirty. People say I can't, people are like, I just can't run.

And I'm like, you could though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't right now. Well, people in wheelchairs can't run. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's different sports for that. Thank you. Mama, there's extreme fucking those basketball games. People really get hurt. You know what, though? I don't fetishize playing like contact sports at all. That's what I didn't like about karate because I did it for like almost 10 years. Did you ever get punched?

In karate? Yes. But I don't know. Isn't it like fake? Don't you just like fake land the punches? No, I mean, the style of karate we did was very basic. It wasn't like- It's like Steven Seagal. It wasn't like nunchucks and shit. It was like punching and kicking. Did you get hurt? Yeah. No, not badly, but it's scary. I don't like punching people or kicking people. You ever fucked them kids up though?

Do your dad ever like, this is how you kick and then actually kick a kid in the face? No, he's good. He didn't, you know, with control. But the whole motto of the style of karate was one punch, one kill. So it's refining the technique to have so much force in one motion that you could knock a guy out and have brain damage. Through the face. Not through the face, but crack the skull and brain damage. Absolutely. Do you think in your lifetime...

Has your training ever come in handy? Do you have those reflexes? Because in the moment, if you were pinned down and the devil came up and said, okay, that's Hitler. I need you to take three strikes to kill him. I absolutely could at least maim him. Seriously.

With a good, good punch. And I'd hurt myself too, or my knuckles. But I could really fuck him up with just some pretty decent technique. See, based on the condition of your hands, I figured you were like a cage match fighter or something. Because of all the dead skin in this. Dog fighting. Yeah. Dog fighting. Dog fighting. Oh my God. Dog fighting. Dog fighting. Do you like dogs? Yeah.

I really do. And the groaning. I was walking. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Sorry. Go ahead. I was walking. I bumped into a girl with a dog and I said, I love your dog. And she said, I love you. And I said, no, you don't. And she said, yeah, I was just watching one of your videos this morning and I got to pet her dog. And I never stop people with dogs because I think they must be so fucking sick of that. No, they're fishing for it. They love it. But people walk with dogs. And I used to, my ex-boyfriend Kyle, if we saw a dog in the street, he would get on the ground. He would stop, get the whole story. He'd be like, hi. He wouldn't.

You want to fuck the dog? And I'm like, this person has headphones in. This person's walking their dog. We don't need to be like, how old? Yeah. We're free. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a good girl. Shelter or breeder. The whole rigmarole of like, ooh, they're good. Then they're rolling around and then they have treats in the mouth. And I would do that, but I have too much respect for the person. Yes. They walk that dog three times a day. Yeah. They're like, I'm just trying to get back to my house. They got shit-stained pajamas on. I'm trying to watch shit.

That's what we need to talk about. Let's have that conversation. Let's have trauma. Female PTSD. Generational trauma. Let's talk about it. You and I got a call last week. Comedy is about trauma. Last week we got a call. Should we talk about this?

No, I think what happens is sometimes in this industry, you get a call as a preliminary. Hey, we just want to see if you guys are available. We might have a thing for you. And a lot of times it doesn't pan out. Most. A lot of times. Most times. A lot of times. Most times. This particular time, we did want to do something. Let me tell you about my life. Let me tell you about my life and my interests, my hobbies and my passions. Uh-huh. I am...

On a break, free as a bird. Uh-huh. Very available. Uh-huh. And when my favorite television show expressed even a modicum of interest in my life and working on and being a part of their universe, of which I have consumed every delicious second multiple times, I'm skeeting through my trousers. Yeah. So when the management or says, yeah. What?

So WAP. Yeah. Bucket mop in a whole cleaning crew for this. It was a certain program. It was, it could have been, it's a dream. Yeah. You know, highlight of whatever. Now the flip side is that, you know what? Maybe I'm grateful for the fact that I don't have to sully the waters of my beautiful pond from which I drink.

You know what I mean? Well, because listen, I don't want to be a part of something I love. I want to watch it. It's fun to be the fan. Yes. If they ask you to come throw the first pitch at something you go, I'd love to, because I don't care for baseball. Absolutely. But this is our arena where you're like, why don't you guys be the study and share show? And I'll be, I'm not giving out communion wafers. I'm, I'm a, I'm a, I'm proud, devout Catholic. Right. You're in the front row. You're singing the song. Thank you. I'm looking at. Yeah. But anyway, so that, and it did not pan out.

And that's when the suicide watch began. And that's when the news started to look very sexy. And I started to notice how tall buildings were and what are the points of egress and how could I get in there? It's like,

Your apartment started flooding for the rain. You're like, well, that's convenient. Yeah. I'm only six feet tall. We have to wait a few hours. Can I get that Caesar side? Caesar cyanide. The Caesar salad with cyanide. Can I get that Cedar cyanide? Cedar cyanide salad. It was a bummer. It was a bummer, but I don't watch the program, but I was really excited for us for you because it's very rare that a television opportunity comes around that you care about. Yeah. Normally when you and I get a television opportunity, I get a call from you like this.

Do you want to do this? Because I need to emotionally prepare for the fact that we're going to have to do this. And usually I go, yes, I would. And you go, all right, what are you going to wear? And you tell me, I'm going to wear the other photo shoot. I was like a big blonde wig and probably something green. Of course you'd wear black. I know. I know. But whenever you're like, what are you going to wear? I'm like, probably a blonde wig and a little sixties outfit. And a Trixie outfit. You say a Trixie outfit. I'm like super helpful. No, but I, it's funny. I,

Rare are the moments where I get excited by prospective professional opportunities. Should we just say what this was? It was hoarders. Yeah. No, no. It was American Crime Story. It was intervention. Intervention hoarders. No, and I...

I got the email at one in the morning or the text from a representative. And I interpreted wrongly the text as you are going to, it's like, you are the winners. It's like the difference between you won the lottery versus, hey, there are lottery ticket cards available for purchase at 7-Eleven. That was the difference. And I chose to read it like that. And that's tough. And we learn.

We do learn. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we're destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over until. Well, I wasn't sure if it was happening. And as the day came closer, I went, well, surely they would have told us by now. And then I was like, it's tomorrow. We haven't heard. So I guess it's not happening. Do you know what? That's okay. It's okay. Listen, let's not fetishize. TV is a wonderful opportunity, but it also means like 12 hour days in a wig usually, which is horrible. And then guess what? The real gag? You would have complained the whole time. No, no. Cut. Cut.

It would have been This is what would have happened I meet my idol Snubbed Or some kind of I don't You know I don't get to meet my idol And then it's a 17 hour day I look like The cat's ass And they cut the fucking scene And they cut the scene

Yeah. That's how it works. Yeah. You know what I mean? But so I went to the plant store. Speaking of TV, Mariska Hargitay's brother has a plant store. What did you buy at the plant store? Every single motherfucking plant they had. Like I was a loony tune going out of business. Well, I saw your tweet about like, Hey, these might not live. And that's just part of the circle of life. That tweet was about me. Oh, okay. So,

So, okay. Do you have an interest in keeping it alive? Are they in the house? Absolutely. I do. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I, um, so I have this backyard situation that is, I watch, I watch the sunsets and cry. You gotta do a live pod from back there. Outdoor sunset pod. The burglar. The burglar. The last episode. The sunset pod. It's a three part series because there's three levels.

Letting go. Letting go the final three episodes of The Bald and the Beautiful. And we do one on each level as the sun sets. The stages of grief. The stages of death. I was in the winter of my life. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember facesofdeath.com? I remember the VHS tapes at fucking Video Exchange. Is that okay?

I can't imagine a lot of that video is they don't have sign offs. No, I think I also think it was a little maybe scammy stage. Yeah. Because if you want to if you want to you can go to the dark web, Mary, and I've certainly seen some things that should not be seen. Well, it was almost more nefarious before the Internet because certain tapes would cycle. Like, do you remember bum fights?

No. I remember people in my high school watching Bumfights, which was a series where they would pay homeless, mentally ill, and or drug addicts to do things on camera. Wow. Welcome to Hollywood. I don't recall seeing these, but I remember being like, even in this small town in Wisconsin, I was like, is this okay? It's like dog fighting. Yeah. It's crazy. It's not okay. No, it's not okay. I want to get a dog. Do you really? I really want to pet. Start with a plant. Well, David doesn't want me to get a bird because he's afraid of birds.

And then I was like, well, and then he was like, well, what would you do if I got a girl? If I wanted a gorilla? I was like, it's not the same thing. It's not the same. He goes, cause you're afraid of gorillas. What if I wanted a gorilla? I said, just to make a point, I said, well, because I love you, I would sort out my issues and I would let you have your happiness. I wouldn't have a child. Well, why don't we just start an orphanage? I know not the same thing. Why do they make getting children so difficult?

The other night I was up late looking at some, uh, the process of adopting children. I'm a dark web. You go dark web with that stuff. Bumfights. Baby, baby. Or light web.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there a version of the dark web that is for positive things? Like getting babies? No, no, no. You go analog. You go on to Target. No, no. You wander around the maternity ward. Listen, a lot of people, they don't want those babies. Because the babies are ugly. No, the babies are fine. The people are just moving on. You just snatch the baby. Nobody asks no questions. Yeah. The Lindenburg baby. Snatched right out of the window. That's something different. That's kidnapping. So maybe I'll get a dog because if I can't get a bird... Have you had a plant?

Yeah, we have a plant. I mean, it just sits there. Do you water it? Yeah, you have to water it like once a month. It has a little cup on the side. We water it once a month and that's it. It slowly trickles on its own. That's like a baby. You feed it once every couple weeks and it just grows. Yeah, I just, I had to tell David, I don't know if I can stay in this relationship if you don't let me get a parakeet. If you don't let me go down to Petco and get a budgie, I'm going to kill myself. You have a pet?

You have to draw the line in the sand sometimes. You have to advocate for your happiness. You have to draw a couple of lines. The lines that say, I'm going to kill myself. The other day I was on my run and I paused my watch to run into a pet store, take a bunch of pictures of birds up close. And I was like, what am I doing?

Why am I in the pet store photographing animals? Let me tell you what you're doing. I'm 33 years old. No, no, no. Let me tell you what you're doing. You live in a beautiful big house. You have a large tropical outdoor area. Perfect environment for a lovely, intelligent, wonderful bird. Well, you know what I told David? I said, if you won't let me have him inside, we live in paradise. Would you mind if I got us aviary outdoors with a bunch of finches? A bunch? And we're talking flocks? Like three or four. Okay. Okay.

Aviary outdoors so that they basically live out there. That would be gorgeous. That's what I said. He's still scared of birds though. Scared of what? Is he a tippy hedron? Well, I know. He's tipsy hedron. Okay. But how do we like. He's afraid he's going to eat the bird like Michelle Pfeiffer. Well, I told him. I said, how many cases of somebody dying from a pet bird happens a year? Well, bird flu. Zero. Bird flu moment. How many people get mauled by dogs?

It happens. Oh, girl, yeah. So I'm like, nothing's going to happen to you. The worst thing is a bird is going to read you for your outfit. Well, what do you think about – well, the worst thing is that they pick up human things. When I get stuck saying, how about you look like the bus driver? How about you look like the bus? That bird's going to start saying that to me. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. He's going to start reading. Imagine I wake up to go make my Lipton tea in the morning. He's like, thanks a lot, bitch. The bird goes, what about you look like a bus driver? And I go, excuse me. The bird's going to be like, really? Those shoes with that outfit? Yeah.

That would be great. But what do you think about exposure therapy? Because I want this bird. I'm going to have to get through David. And I don't want to have to pull out the big guns and say, well, I bought this house bitch. So we're filling it with birds. How would you pull out a regular gun? But what I might do exposure therapy. Let's say I let a few Senegal parrots loose in the home.

That sounds like sabotage. Let's say I get a couple of military macaws and lock them in his closet. Exposure. You use your, how about this? You pull some strings. Okay. You're in the industry. You're connected. Right. You get Lana Del Rey or somebody of that nature to come over with their bird.

Somebody he loves and admires, Steven Seagal or whoever. I tried that with Vanderpump and she goes, why do you want a bird? Because she loves dogs. And I'm like, you're no help. Yeah. Get a swan. No, but I mean. I know. She has two swans. I'm like, bitch, you have birds. No, they don't fly. Maybe you should get ducks. You know how birds are named Hanky and Panky? Those swans. That's cute.

That's fun. That's fun. Rhyming. I mean, I've been, you know, the, the, my landlady with the flightless bird who pecked her, who pruned her eyebrows and stuff and beat everybody. Like they are, uh, an acquired taste, but it's not unreal. It's not an unreasonable ask for long term partner. They're not dogs and cats, right? They're not, they're not generationally domesticated. They're still pretty much wild because people only had birds for the last about a hundred years. Muy inteligente. Inteligente. Yeah. And so they need enrichment, but I mean,

What's the worst they're going to do to you? Peck your eyes out? They don't do that.

I don't think that's going to happen. Don't get a bin chicken like those giant ibises. What about people in LA who have chickens in their backyard? Well, a chicken's a chicken. You could just, you know. A chicken's a chicken. I like chickens. Yeah. Chickens are fun. Have you ever held a chicken? I have not. They're chickens. I mean, they're big. Well, I'm sure they vary in sizes. You know what I'm talking about? The bin chickens, the ibis in New Zealand. Like a trash chicken? Yeah.

Do you remember in Australia how those, the giant beak, crazy fucking birds in the, they're called bin chickens. Oh,

With the long curved beak Yes Terrifying I took many I love birds But I took many videos of those And I said No no no That's dinosaur Scary Very scary Yeah Dinosaur bitches Well would you ever get a pet I would But It sounds so stupid Sometimes they stumble into your life I mean Andrew has a dog that Elder Senior But it came upon him through life It was bequeathed by a dying relative But um

I loved my family dog, Raul, like deep. His name was Raul? Yes, Raul Luis. And he was, I mean, just, but I was a person at home living with my parents. He was like a part of the family. Right. I can't, I take umbrage with physically, even through a plastic bag, like palpating the feces of an animal.

I can't do it. I know. And that's the thing. And I won't do it. It's like this weird sort of thing. I will poison my body with cigarettes and everything else and be a weirdo wacko, but I won't pick up shit. I'll pick up my own shit. Well, I've had birds in the city, which is not commitment. Bird poop is this big. But-

I've never had a dog in the city and I don't know if I could do the poop touching. A Weimaraner where it's like a, where you're picking up like a Thanksgiving feast with your hand. Mary, a bread box. It's disgusting. And if you don't, I'd rather you kill a human being than not pick up dog shit. But,

by the way i mean i want to tattle on my neighborhood here a lot of astroturf people let their dogs on the astroturf and they leave it there this then it the sun comes out sun dries the into the plastic grass dried turds and then you have

Living under plastic grass and every time it gets hot out it rebakes it reheats. Thanks a lot bitch. Thanks a lot bitch. It's so disgusting. No, it's it's it's one of those things like um litter bugs like if you saw somebody in their car throwing a whole thing of empty McDonald's into the street you'd be like

i think might as well be a homicidal lunatic not to be crazy i was in milwaukee and i always take the buses there because i know the routes yeah and so i'm waiting for the 52 bus to go over to west atlas and there's so much trash collected in this park and i went who are these people rolling down the window and throwing shit out the window my friend but dave in high school he would do that

Throw his whole bag of McDonald's out into the middle of the street in the suburbs. It's bad enough that we have landfills to put these things in. Yeah. It's bad enough that we have garbage. Yeah, of course.

The fact that you're just throwing it out the window. It's very wild. If I was on a date with a guy and he littered. I would roll out of the car. I'd tuck and roll. Tuck and roll. 100%. Tuck and roll. I'd rather him say, well, I guess a few years ago I did commit manslaughter and I hit a woman with my car. Or I killed my mom last night. I would go, that's okay. It's not like you're littering. We can work through that. We can work through that. I don't get that. It's not okay. It's not okay. Don't litter. Last question. What? Before we wind down and wrap up. Would you...

Pick up your dog. Say you're holding your friend's dog. They went into an emergency room or something for 15 minutes. Sure. The dog poops on the middle of the street. You have nothing to pick it up. Middle of the highway? Nothing. Is it a frogger situation? The middle of a, of what situation? A frogger situation where I'm jumping cars in the highway to go pick it up? No, no, no. You're on a Manhattan sidewalk. Okay. Okay.

Big, medium-sized turd right in the square, pristine Upper West Side sidewalk. Nothing to pick it up with. Nothing at all. What do you do? I go find something. I'm not touching it with my hand. That's not happening. But there's nothing. No stores around at all. But if I pick up that shit, then I have shit on my hands. So what is that? There's a trash can right there, though. I would say, this is horrible. I would dig in the trash and find something to grab it with. It's an empty trash can.

Are you trying to get me to pick up the trash with the shit with my hands? I'm asking whether you would walk away or you would pick it up with your hands. I'd walk away. Okay. No one's picking up the shit with their hands. That's my point. And by the way, what kind of friend am I? If my friend comes out and goes, Hey, how was it? Good. Really good. Um, I picked up the shit with my hand. Mary, I don't have a friend anymore because they're like, so you're fucking crazy. I think they'd be like, you're a friend for life.

They'd be like, well, at least I know if I shit, you'll just pick it up. I'd be like, you owe me. And then I'd bend over and shit and watch them pick it up. And then I'd take it and I'd rub it in my gums. Goodbye, honey. Honey diva girl. Goodbye, girl. Goodbye, shitty girl. Goodbye, shitty girl. Girl, do you have another turd in the street, girl? Shit, girl.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Before we go. What? I, okay. You know about the real gays of West Hollywood, this show, right? I've not watched it. So I'm not going to pretend to watch it. I don't even think it's on yet. I don't even think it's on. It is on. Oh my God. Because I don't watch anything. I'm not even watching Drag Race, right? Oh my God. I'm not that gay. I'm like Jasmine Masters. I am not that gay. When accounts will post, like VH1 or whatever will post like, Monday's got me like, and it's like a gif from that show.

People will spam it. Do you know about this? No, no. People will spam these posts. Bring back 90-minute drag race. No one wants this. And they'll post pictures from scat play porn. So these VH1 accounts and stuff are being spammed with scat play pictures with people saying, bring back 90-minute drag race, bitch. You dick bitch. You dick bitch. So they're trying to promote like...

Like those poor interns, those poor interns, the real gaze of WeHo. And then it's just like videos of women eating shit on Twitter. Yeah.

And because they're just like, what about these gays? And the fans are like, what about this shit picture? What about this shit? Isn't that crazy? What about this shit? What about this fucking feces, bitch? Thanks a lot, bitch. Thanks a lot, bitch. It's like, hey, did you want to watch Real Gays of Hollywood? No. But did you want to watch this shit eating clip with this girl's fucking herself with a turd? There was a video of a girl shitting and it went straight in the other girl's mouth.

I'm going to die. Oh, fuck. Anyway, let's get out of here. We got to watch Real Gay as a B-Hole. We got to watch it. You couldn't. We're supporting the girls. We.

Which girls? The girls. The girls. The Divas and the Dolls. The real girls that we have. Jonathan Bennett's husband is on it. Todrick's on it. Okay. I don't think I know anybody else. There was a scandal around it. We can talk about it next episode, but somebody was allegedly booted off for having an OnlyFans. Oh, is his name Chris Salvatore on it? Yeah. So nice. I met him a couple times. Sweetheart. Very, very, very sexy. In person? Sexy. He's hot in pictures. Sexy. He's hot in movies. Yeah. In person? Yeah. Sexy. I was like,

The eyes, the face, everything. And he's so nice that everything he says, this is that thing that sometimes porn people have where they have so much charisma that when they're talking to you, they make you feel like you're the most important person in the world. Yeah, that's called being a charm. Yeah, he had that. But what about eating shit? We gotta go eat some shit. We gotta go eat some shit. Bye. Bye.

you