TikTok Monkeys Saved My Life with Trixie and Katya
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We're back on the pod. I got to tell you, I'm going to speak for you. USA. I'm going to speak for you. Eden's here. Brandon's not here, but I'm going to speak for him. Touring is fun. Not touring is funner.

I got to tell you, the other night, first night I get back from Australia, right? And I'm like, oh, I've missed marijuana, right? Yeah. Because it's just fun to have a little weed and go to bed. And edibles too. You can't get them down there. Yeah. You can't get anything. And I don't like to break the law. And I'm not trying to push it with the Australian government. I know. Totally. So I get back here and I find a little joint over there on the table. And, you know, I buy or I get what Brandon calls the Becky Caron weed. Yes.

Which is low dose white girl weed. You get CBD and you trip balls. Girl, if I put tiger balm on, I go to your radius. So I take the baby little, I love the, and by the way, this is unsponsored.

like Drew Martin or something like that where they are called low dose and because California is legal it basically says on the website this is great if you've never smoked weed and I'm like perfect if you're a six year old girl because tragically otherwise you just in other states where it's not legal every time someone gives you weed you might as well just take a pill from their medicine cabinet you have no idea what's about to happen

So then, so then I find a little marijuana and I don't think, oh, I think this is just like a Becky Karen thing that I normally do. The Becky Karen. And so I smoke as much as I might normally smoke and I don't really ever smoke. It's more of an edible situation. Yeah. You know, put on a film and I know the climax is going to hit, you know, I want chapter 23 of Moulin Rouge to hit right when. Yes. Yeah. So.

I smoked a little bit and I'm like sitting out there and I'm like sitting cross-legged on my little, my little terrace in Hollywood feeling like, I think I'm gonna like it here. I feel like a La La Land. I feel like Ryan Gosling in La La Land. And so then, ooh, ooh, my heart's racing. I'm used to the indica. This was a fierce and it was a fierce and sickening, extremely strong sativa.

And I was here like, ooh, oh, oh, that is strong. Okay. Oh, wow. Okay. Ooh, ooh, ooh. You're hanging from the ceiling. And then I'm watching TV and my heart is racing and I'm like, huh? Oh, the TV's loud. So then I'm turning down the TV and then it's silent and I'm watching the TV and I'm like, it's still too much. It's still too loud. There's no sound. And I'm like, oh.

I'm like, I did what you, what is not fun about marijuana, which is once in a while you accidentally get too fierce, too fast, too furious. So then my, I put on music cause I'm like, this is just, you know, too much, too much music. Any amount is too much. Any amount of TV is too much. The lights are on too much. And I just have to go in there. I go in bed and I, and I have to do this thing that I don't know if anybody else has done this, but when you tap too much marijuana, you tell yourself almost out loud, no one's ever died from marijuana. Yes, of course. Yeah, of course. Tomorrow you're going to laugh. Yeah. Yeah.

It felt like four hours went by. It was 30 minutes, maybe. It felt like four hours. So then I'm in bed and I wasn't horrible. I wasn't going to call the police, but you know. Arrest me. When you have the instinct to call 911, that's when I think it's bad, right? That's too bad. It's bad. Oh my God. Yeah. I've never had that instinct. And even when I should have. Yeah. You're calling, I'm saying, you got anything stronger? Get down here. You got one of those EpiPens, adrenaline needles. I go in there and I decide to, I decide to research monkey pox.

But luckily, luckily, my fat fingers typed it incorrectly, ended up on monkey TikTok, watching videos of people who have pet monkeys. It was the cure.

I came right down to where I was comfortable. Oh, wow. I watched videos of people who, I mean, people have pet monkeys. Well. I think that's so crazy. Well, it was that, the face snatch. The face snatch. Those snatch your face clean off your head. People, hey, my monkey's in the shower. The monkey running circles. Oh, yeah. I saw that one. Why is this desirable? Yeah. And also. What's not? The monkey wears a diaper.

Yeah, well. You might as well have a child at this point. Yeah, yeah. Just get a kid. Just get a kid. Less energetic. Just sleeps all day. And the only way to get videos of monkey TikTok is to feed them because there's only way they sit still. So it's just a lot of videos of like a little monkey eating strawberry. Like love monkeys eating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But monkey ownership. I also think monkeys are, it feels unethical for them to be that smart and be owned as pets. Well, they're our cousins after all. Close cousins to some of us. Yeah, yeah.

And some of them are bald too. Yeah. You know, a lot of those primate species are extremely violent. Really? Yes. Yeah. A lot of primate species are... Yeah. But also they just... Like apes, some apes, some chimps in the wild are...

Aggression and violence War essentially Between groups of them Because they're so social War? Like they have tribes? Yeah like so Say like I forget what they're called But like a group of you know A clutch Yeah a clutch of apes A murder A neighboring group will gain dominance By just beating the shit out of other ones

And also within the group to establish Donovan's like that. It's really, really violent. Is it a herd? No, it's not a herd. It's a gaggle. It's a content house. It's a TikTok house. In Borneo. It's a TikTok house in the jungle of Borneo. In Gambia. Yeah. Is that a real place? Gambia? I think so. Well, you know, I don't like, I don't go for gorillas. Okay. But I love monkeys.

Okay. Gorillas. Well, monkeys, I think monkeys is an imprecise term. Tiny little pet monkeys. Okay. Little, you know, monkey bone, the film Monkey Bone. Or Dunstan Chex. No, that's an orangutan. We're talking fun little monkeys on TikTok. Okay. Giant murderous gorillas. Did you see Nope? Absolutely. Nope. How was it?

It was fabulous. Was it really? David did not live. He did not live. David didn't live. Okay. Well, I think it has one of the spoilers. One of the best opening scenes, probably of maybe one of my top five best opening scenes. The theater was, we got in there. The theater was rowdy. It was like, it was chatty, chatty. The film comes on, the first scene, it was like. Is it better than Ghost Ship?

Oh, I just watched that. And that was fierce. I can't believe you haven't seen that. No, I haven't seen it. That was fierce. Those wires got those, they got them together. And all the people are frozen and a little girl's like, what's wrong? Cause I'm short. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. And then everyone just boopity boppity. And then graphic video of like the girl in the dress crawling towards her own legs. Yes.

First of all, that can never happen. That's not happening. It's never. You're guess what? Your spinal cord is severed. You ain't got no nerves. You know what I mean? Well, not in the bottom half. Well, also don't crawl. You're not living. Uh huh. Crawl to what? Crawl to, crawl to what? I gotta get my legs. Does anybody have a pack of bandage? No, no. Does anybody have any gauze? Yeah. Nothing's going to happen. Yeah.

Nothing's going to happen. So now I'm just, you know, cautionary tale. Cautionary tale. Just be careful. Yeah, sativa. It's a rile you up. It also made me think if you are someone who likes sativa, I'm worried about you. Well, that was me. This is not pleasant. No, no, no, no. Come on. Listen, you have a very sensitive nervous system. See, this feeling you describe is something I've been chasing my whole life.

I love the, I've done too many drugs. What's going to happen? Like the near death, that kind of thing. Yes. I've had that so many times in so many different shades and flavors. So you're fine. When you were doing weed, it was sativa always? Cause you want to be bouncy? Yeah. I would do it like when I was in my weed, big weed phase, I would do it in the morning and then, and then wake and bake. Yeah. But with a cigarette, you know, the breakfast and it,

I thought I, I'm not, I'm not so sure about weed though. I, I think like this is the, okay. This is the song that it's that it felt like. Okay. Oh man. Oh, that's wired. But I'm in this pink, I'm in this pink living room staring up into the space. It's spooky. That's too much. That's too much.

That's too much at night. Nighttime when you're trying to relax. Yes. The day I get back. Yes. Yes. But you know what was nice? What? I had Taco Bell when I got home. Okay.

I didn't see any Taco Bells in Australia. Maybe they do have them, but I didn't see them. There was one. We did pass by one at one point. It's a game of telephone with Mexican food. I think we talked about this. Oh, we did. Okay. But I'm scared of Australia's interpretation of Taco Bell. Oh, I think, yeah. I would be scared of anybody's interpretation of anything, really, especially that far away.

But, you know, globalization. You don't go to America for authentic... What do you go to America for? To get fleeced? What do you go to America for? Well, here's things that are authentically American. Okay. Jazz, tap dancing, musical theater, rock and roll. Rock and roll. I don't know. There's...

I would probably say that pork chops and applesauce. Well, have you noticed in other countries when there's an American place, it's always like a 50s Greece diner? Burger. Yeah. Hamburger. That's American, right? Yeah, yeah. Do you think they have better burgers here? The Twist? Is that American? The Twist? Chubby Checker. Chubby Checker. Chubby Checker. It's rock music, which is American, right? Yeah, Chubby Checker, The Twist. But what foods do you come to America for?

I think you come for it. Burger and fries or pork chops and applesauce, meatloaf. These are American things. Chubby Checker is American. American. But when you go to other countries and there's an American restaurant, it's like a 50s diner. I don't know what that is. Because you got...

A hamburger and fries. Cheeseburger and fries. Pork chops and applesauce. And you got your meatloaf. Have you ever been to Mel's Diner? Yeah. I love the ice cream options. Oh, no, I haven't been. I went to Norm's Diner. You liked that? Oh, yeah. Got the bigger, better breakfast. Sat across from two gorgeous gay guys that I kept making goo-goo eyes at. And even one time I forgot that I was doing it and I went, like Brandon does. And just as I started to do it, he saw me and I looked away in shame.

I love that. I can't stop doing that now that Brandon does this. He goes like this. Oh, I know. He does it to me. He'll do it to me after he says something that you're like, what did you just say? And he goes, it's a wink and a double kiss and a wink. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he gets what he wants. He gets what he wants. When he likes somebody. Mary, he had me rolling. If someone enters the room, he's like,

Brandon's not making, life is short and Brandon's not here to let people be unsure if he's interested. No, no, no. Brandon is, is, is, is, does not dabble in, um, in, in wishy washy. Um, he's like, you, you know, you know, and it's, yeah, it's so fabulous. Cause I really didn't get to spend any time with him other than the tour. You're not messing much. No.

Oh my God. But wait, wait. So I did a little thing. Oh, I bought a car. Oh, let's talk about the vehicle. Beep, beep. I cannot drive. I have not driven in a while, in a long time. It's not easy if you don't do it all the time. No, it's not. Did you forget? I did. And I live in like a...

My apartment has this long, narrow driveway that a gate opens and you pull in and then my parking spot involves... It's not like an easy in, easy out situation. And I was like... I go in there and it's the car... Because it's a new car and it goes... Does that beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. She gets scared. Yes. And also I can't tell if like...

All the beep sounds, I'm assuming it goes from like, oh, be careful to watch out to danger to you're going to hit something. Or you've hit something. So the first beep doesn't mean it's over. No, it means like, watch out, be careful. Oh shit, here we go. Like it's that exact. Well, you know what that's probably nice for? When you are backing up and you don't know something's there. Yes, of course. But then you have the camera, which I'm not used to that either. You have to understand the last time I was driving regularly was in a car. I don't even think it had power steering.

So like it's, I was looking behind my shoulder when I was, when I was in reverse. Okay. I was cranking the wheel, pressing heavy on the gas. It was like a 92 car. Are you death of a salesman? I'm Willie Loman. Are you flowers for Algernon? Willie Loman driving a Dodge, a 1963 Dodge Charger. Are you a street car named Desire? I'm Marlon Brando. And I am.

I'm the local paper boy's dad. No, I get it. My last car was a 2008 and we went, Oh, well we have to go to a meeting. Well, it's time for a break anyway. And we're coming back. We're talking more about cars, cars, car talk.

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I want to see my little prick.

Anybody want to see my little prick? Girl, Varla. We came up, oh my God, last night at dinner, we came up with a great sketch comedy idea for a sketch. The Haggler. So it's a young woman who goes to an antique, like a flea market and is trying to haggle on a price of an item. She's like, the guy's like, how much is that? He's like, it's $25. She's like, how about, you know, he's like, well, how about 20? And then her second haggling point is, what?

She wheezes on them? She says, why don't you get some duct tape and tape down your tiny little prick, you fuckless idiot. It's just like... Oh, I guess you had to be there. I didn't want to be there. You had to be there. I think it's funny how we're saying it. We just...

We just had to pause the podcast to talk about Trixie and Katya live tour dates that were coming all over Europe and the UK. All over Europe and the UK. Canada, America. How do you feel? Speak on it, D-Bop. Girl, I'm tired. You know, I was just in Canada this weekend, though, and I forgot that Canada is beautiful and lovely. Yeah, everywhere is lit. Everywhere is lovely. Canada is beautiful and lovely. And I was just in the UK about four hours ago. Okay. And to be honest...

Maybe it's because of COVID. This time in the UK on tour, I was like, it is beautiful here. It is beautiful. Los Angeles, we like it because we're home. It's fucking horrible. It's ugly as shit. It's a really ugly town. Look at my view of a liquor store. Like, what are we doing? LA is a really ugly town. It has no botanical gardens. Thank you. It has no botanical gardens. One thing I know about LA, it has no botanical gardens.

You're trying to do a garden tour of LA. Good fucking luck to you, you prickless fuck. Oh my God. I got to tell you about Canada. Okay. I was in Canada Friday. Oh my God. Wait, 12,000 people. I flew in for the Just for Laughs Festival. Montreal. Which is always great. Yeah. Last time I flew there, I sat next to Anthony Anderson and Anthony Jeselnik. Oh, wow. So cool.

And this time I ran into Jessica Curson, who I'm obsessed with, the comic obsessed with her. And I had to do my little set, which was not so little. It was a huge outdoor venue. 12,000 people came and I was just, Jacob, the managers, all the agent people are there and a confident,

cool person would be like, this is going to be great. I was backstage, absolutely shitting cinder blocks. Yeah. Terrified. Yeah. It was one of those shows where I just wanted to turn and run. I was so scared. Oh my God. And then I just went out there and sometimes you just go out there and then it's a totally different story. Yeah. You're nervous backstage and then suddenly gone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But in the middle of Jesse, Jesse,

People start waving their arms like this to the beat almost. And I go, oh, that's weird. Is this like a, it's like a, Hey, no, my mind went straight to like, is this Tik TOK dancing? It was people like on beat doing this and I'm singing and I'm watching them and I'm watching them and watching them. And then I hear them very through my ears, through the, everything I hear is them. The L medic. And I go, oh shit, somebody collapsed. I like, that's what's happening.

So then Jeremy comes up to do his guitar solo during Jesse Jesse. And there's this part where it's like a tacit where it's like, now you see me, now you don't. It's like four counts of just claps. And I was like, okay, the song is quiet right now. I can turn around and scream at the band. Stop. Because we need to stop. Because what if the paramedics...

A, we need paramedics. And what if they can't hear this person? Cause we're playing. Right, right, right. So I stopped everything in the middle with 12,000 people there. And I'm like, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. And then I go, do you guys need help over there? Is everything okay? And they're like, we need a medic. So then I yell for the paramedic and like, they have to clear a path and we have to stop the music, stop the comedy. And like, and I'm trying to like,

Are you narrating the situation? How are you keeping control of the crowd? I'm trying to keep it light because I don't want to kill the vibe. But you don't want to kill the person. I'm like, well, I used to work in nightclubs. You know, I'm ready for anything. I'm trying to like keep it light. But I also don't want to be like, while someone's possibly like G-ing out, I'm like, the difference between New York and LA. You know what I mean? It feels inappropriate. Yeah.

In LA we do a lot of G. We don't really lose control at the club. Whatever. It's fine. You guys can handle it. So then I just, I'm like, what do you guys need? And they're go, somebody yells, we need the paramedic and we need a path. So then I go, you guys make a path, whatever. Oh my God. You're like, you're like, are you going to get the medal of freedom? You know what it was? It was Titanic. Women and children first. You're literally, you're, you're out there doing your, uh, what is it? Um, Dr. Manhattan. I was Dr. Manhattan. Dr. Montreal. Yes. Yes.

Montreal is now a state. So then they make the bet. And then 30 seconds later,

Somebody else yells, medic. Oh, now that's a little too much. Somebody across the crowd. Somebody else collapses. So then you get out your defibrillator, your EpiPen, your Narcan, you put on your vest and your stethoscope and you go into the crowd and you just start healing people left and right. I didn't have any of that. Healing people left and right. What I did have was a Mia Pulp Fiction. Mia Wallace. Mia Wallace. Adrenaline. And it didn't have anything in it. It was actually a ballpoint pen. But I-

I had the energy. You broke the rib cage. I crowd surfed to the person, stabbed him in the heart, and then, ooh, wrong person. Also, that wasn't a pen. It was a wooden stake. But luckily, it was a vampire. They burst into flames. No. So then I guess somebody else collapsed same time. So my mind thinks if two people collapsed at the same time, they must have taken the same drug at the same time, known each other. With 12,000 people, anything's possible. But they both collapsed at the same time. How do you know it was the same exact time?

I don't know. You don't know. But so the point is you're now a registered nurse. Well, that's the thing. I got a, in Canada, it's not an L, what is it? LPN, licensed, practicing nurse. LPN? Nurse practitioner. Well, they gave me a VPN. Express VPN, which is great because now I can watch porn in Libya. Yeah.

And it's just great. Lydia and Libya. Lydia's labia in Lydia. And it's two lessees named Lydia. Yes. And they're just going in. Mousetrap on the clit. Oh, my God. They love it. They love it. So they love it. That is wrong. Honestly, they love it. Your RN degree is being stripped from you for that. But it was so crazy. And I didn't know what to do because in nightclubs when someone collapses or there's security, it usually happens without anyone finding out about it.

Well, right. It's like in Killing Eve when she knifed someone in a German nightclub. I mean, of course, that's not real. But you can imagine in a dark room. Dark room. Honey, nobody's checking for you in the dark room. In a dark room. In a dark room. The room's dark. The room's dark. It's totally dark. You can't see nothing. So then we just, once I kind of figured out what was going on, I kept doing talking comedy because I thought if I keep playing, what if the person can't hear? What if the person needs to hear the person? So we stopped music for a second, which everyone loved. What?

Of course, yes. Love that. So I'm talking and then I started doing rich people because I was like, oh, this is kind of playing and singing. Anyway, I just didn't know what to do with that many people there. Do you stop or do you keep going? How did you make those kind of decisions with 12,000 people? I would have crumbled. First of all, I wouldn't have been in front of 12,000 people ever. I think you would have been in the crowd collapsed. Yes. I would have been on stage collapsed to get everybody's attention. It would have been like Wendy Williams. Yeah. When she collapsed, remember? Oh, yeah.

When the performer went straight. I mean, that's a nightmare as a performer. In drag? No, no, no. You never know. That's not a nightmare. That's a dream come true. Collapsing in drag? Saving. Saving Private Ryan. Saving Private Brian. Yeah.

I want to be that person. I would deliver me from this, this pressure. I, you know, I want to die on stage. I know when you're on stage, I want to die. So it's kind of, it's kind of related in that way. When you're on stage performing, I'm backstage going, kill me. That was the worst thing about being in Australia. I'm like, at least in America, I could go take my, um, take my, I don't know, no driver's license, no ID, go down to Walmart and get 12 shotguns. There's no,

Bob, you know how many shootings there were in America while we were in Australia? It was like 80. There was a lot.

Do you know how many were in Australia? Zero. And I wonder what's, it's because they have Komodo dragons and we don't. Well, I thought, well, maybe Australians aren't as like, they're maybe more likable. No one's trying to shoot each other. They're just as rotten. They're just as horrible. They're just as rotten. They're just as racist. Everyone's horrible everywhere. Yeah. It was great. The difference is you can't go get an AR-15 and under like, you know what? I was talking to Andrew yesterday. It was like, we could go get AR-15s and shoot up an entire town before we get the monkeypox vaccine. That's tea.

I know. I saw this TikTok from Heartthrob Rob. Do you follow him? Rob Anderson. He's like, this is what it's like to be interviewed to get the vaccine. And the doctor's like, all right, do you like to take heavy loads? And he's like, what? And then the questions on the questionnaire. Do you get laid out and opened up? And also like, so you're telling me because I'm unfuckable that I can't get a vaccine? I know. How many, do you currently have five to eight loads in your ass right now? Eight.

In the TikTok, he's like, do you have 12 loads in you right now? Yes. And how many of those loads have gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia? Well, at first I filled out the survey saying, and I answered, I answered, what am I? I answered truthfully, and I said, I do not have gonorrhea. I do not have syphilis.

But I answered honestly and I wasn't whorish enough, I guess, even though I was kind of, you know, I looked, I look hot when I was taking it and I had the camera on and I figured at least the government.

Who's watching through my iPhone can relay the information. I don't know. It looks really fuckable. Definitely a super spreader. Then I took it again a few days later thinking, well, now I'm going to answer like the whore version. This is the R-rated version. I'm going to make myself sound slutty. Yeah. Slutty. And then they said, there's no more available in your area. And I answered like the pig answers. It was like, I'm sucking loads out of assholes. Yeah. And they were like, we don't have any more. Sorry. Whatever. But it's, you know what?

For some of us with our current facial situations, there's only one way. The only way is up. Maybe if my face gets covered in scabs, I might like unearth something gorgeous. You know what I mean? Scars. Microplaning. Microplaning? Micropenis? Microneedling. Microneedling. Yes. I need microneedling to the bone. I need a new face. Get

Get a chimpanzee. Snatch it off. Snatch it off and throw it on some birch bark and paint some maple syrup over it. Someone help me. Wait, cars. Cars. Okay. So what car did you end up getting? I got a Range Rover. Did you really? Yeah, yeah. This is the car that, remember when Erika Jayne said she has a Range Rover and everyone hugs her and cries? Because it's a poor car. It's not a Bentley. Yeah.

Yeah. I thought you were going to say it's the car that Caitlyn Jenner killed somebody in. I don't know what vehicle that is. I don't know what vehicle that was either, but. That's like when Lisa drove herself to set and she couldn't find the keys to her Rolls Royce and she said she was slumming it and she was in the Range Rover. Oh my God.

The Range Rover, it drives the Queen of England, by the way. Oh, totally. Solid gold. Yeah. But I'm getting used to it. Like I said, the pedals are too sensitive. The steering is too easy. It's like, I got a camera. Oh, because you're used to- I'm used to like covered wagons. Covered wagons. Or like on trail. They gave you the car. It's like, why am I doing this? I keep like trying to whip the horses, but they're not there. You have diphtheria. You're like, what's- Yeah.

Where's the contaminated water? I have a scarlet fever child in the backseat just like wasting away. Well, you didn't have scarlet fever child, but you had Scarlett Johansson. She had a light fever. So first thing you did is smash out the window of the car with a windshield and put two pygmy horses up there to pull it. I spray painted the little screen that has all the stuff like when you're backing out. Who needs that?

Who needs that? And if you can't afford a Tesla, get a nice little iPad Air. Yeah. And mount it with some grip tape. My nephew made a lovely little painting on an 8.5 by 11 piece of paper. So I just taped that up on the thing. It kind of looks like a GPS. Yeah. It's got an arrow. How much was it? Can I ask? Yeah. It was like $45,000. I can't tell if that's a lot for a car or a little. I have no concept. It's not that much. Okay. Okay.

- Well, okay, I'll just give you, to give you an idea, Rolls Royce is about 300 grand. And about a G-Wagon- - What's a G-Wagon? - A G-Wagon is those boxy Mercedes trucks

You know if you saw them. The boxy trucks that look kind of like army trucks. Usually they're all in black. Those run you about, they start around 150 grand I think. Oh my God. A BMW 5 series is going to be about 70 grand. Like these are very expensive. Like luxury cars are very expensive. And that's where they start. Then you add on and then you're adding on like warranties and stuff like that. How much for like Lamborghini?

I mean, anywhere from $200,000 to $500,000 to $600,000. These are incredibly expensive cars. I know that I'm Laura Ingalls Wilder, Sarah Plain and Tall, Morgan Fairchild, but I didn't know cars could cost that much. Are you kidding me? I mean, Bentley, some of them's a half a million dollars.

Bugattis, like I didn't even know that was a car. - Bukakis. - Bukakis, Maseratis, or at least a hundred grand. A lot of these cars- - I thought you just had to work, bitch. You want a Maserati, you want a Bugatti. I thought it was just about work. Like you do a shift down at the in and out. - But as soon as you drive them off the lot, they depreciate in value.

So like, do you know what I mean? They're depreciating assets. It's a lot like babies in that way. Yeah. As soon as you get them home from the hospital and they lose that band-aid smell. Just baby shit. Yeah. It's crazy. But anyway, so driving in LA is really, really tough. Have you been driving around? A little bit. A little bit. So I drive into my very long and windy and stressful driveway and I'm trying to back out

And thank God the building manager is right there because he has an old, he's got a beautiful old Range Rover. I think it's like a 79 gorgeous Range Rover. It's like a really wonderful like antique car. It looks like. And he's like, he tells me how to do it because I don't. He saw you driving. He said, get out of the car. No, no. He's like, he's like, I was like, Hey,

Elliot, I don't think I know how to do this. And he's like, oh yeah, so you got to do this, that, and that. And that never would occur to me. Driving is not second nature. It's just not a thing I'm used to doing. Plus backing out, I'm telling you, I'm used to doing this.

- Looking behind me. - Do you trust the, is it hard to, not to be old, is it hard to trust the camera? - Yes, it is. - Wait a minute. Do you have the rear view mirror that is not a mirror, it's a screen? - No, no, no, it's a mirror. - 'Cause I think that is crazy too. - That I don't, I like a rear view mirror. - But now people have screens. The rear view is a screen. - That's weird, I don't know.

I don't know. Give me a 92 Corsica. Yeah, seriously. An Acura Integra. I want a landline. 1989 Acura Integra. Did you ever have a family member that had a car phone?

My fucking dad did. In his Saab. In his 95 Saab. Remember car phones? Yes. And that was like space. He was a businessman. He was like a traveling salesman. So like he would have, he had a car phone. That was, that was space. It was, it was the Apollo 13. Yeah. My dad is an astronaut. He has a car phone. Yeah. Crazy. And he had his, his job at the time was $80,000 a year. That was a ton of money. $80,000 in the nineties. That is a lot of money in the nineties. It was a lot of money in the nineties. Yeah.

But anyways, like that was only a couple of years. And then, but that was, yeah, crazy. And I just, I don't, I never really, cars in the suburbs is totally enjoyable experience or in the country, big roads, not a lot of traffic, gorgeous vistas. And cruising. Yeah. Cruising. Put on Captain and Tennille. Well, when you live in the, well, this is the thing too. When you live in the country,

And you spend 30, 40 minutes driving every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no tea. It's a different situation when you live in, let's say Los Angeles, where there's no snow and you're never really driving anywhere more than a few miles. Yeah. But if I lived in the country and I drove a lot, I would just want something reliable and roomy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Versus here, get your little toy car and like live your life. Right, right, right. But when I call, so I was at the dealership and I had to go get insurance and I've never owned a car before. I've never bought a car.

And so I called the progressive insurance lady and she's this like old lady from like South Carolina or something. And, and she's like, okay, what's your birthday? What's the make of the car? It's like, what's your previous insurance policy? I was like, I've never had one. She's like, excuse me. I was like, I've never had car insurance. She's like, what are you talking about? What is, what's your birthday again? Wait, wait, have you ever, have you ever purchased a car before? And I said, no. And she's like, oh my God.

What? She's like, I can't. She was utterly, she couldn't believe that I was 40 years old and I've never owned a car before. She could not, she could not comprehend it. She was like, she thought I just said, it was basically like I said, I just, I dug up these three bodies from the local cemetery, like tie them together, put wheels on them. And now that's my car. She's like, how did you do that? It's magic. She could not believe it. She's like, how, but how did you get around? How did you get around?

How, where are you even living? What's going on? She couldn't understand it. And then she had further question. And then she said, congratulations, honey. She was like, so she could, she's acting like you just got out of prison and you're getting back on the straight and narrow. No, no. She said she acted like I got out of prison. I went back to school. I just got married. I had three gorgeous daughters and they all got into school. And now you're a dental assistant. Yeah. And I just became the president of China.

She was so proud of me. She was like, it was so crazy. But you know what? Sometimes it's a pickup you need. Now I'm going to call progressive when I'm sad. And I'm going to say that I was born in 1970 and I've never had insurance. It was crazy. But yeah, so now I'm driving and I don't like it. It's scary. But I listen to my tunes real loud. Do you? See, that seems unsafe.

No, only when I'm on a, if I know where I'm going, but I don't, I don't, I, I have, I fussed with the, with the, like, I tried to look up a song and almost hit a car. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I don't, I do not text and drive. You gotta do what I do when I'm running. I go. I do not text and drive. You gotta do what I do when I'm running. I go, hey, what's your name? And I say, play this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't reach in your pocket. No. Eyes on the road. No, eyes on the road always. Eyes on the road.

Always. When people text while driving? No. I always say, can I text it for you? Can I text it for you? And I'll type it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have my own little flair. Yeah, yeah. Fuck you, bitch. Don't try to kill me next time. I have my own little flair. One thing about me is? Oh, no. One thing about me? Something you might not know about me. If you're on Twitter. I'm the kind of person that is. Yeah, if you're on Twitter and you're saying one thing about me, it's never redeeming quality. Oh, I started listening to ASMR again. Can we talk about that? You like ASMR? Yeah.

I've experienced ASMR. I experienced that sensation, the ASMR, the bodily sensation that I was trying to achieve. I experienced that way, way, way, way back before YouTube. I had no idea what it was. I thought it was a freak who loved to hear his math teacher drone onto him in a whisper about these problems. And that was all that sensation. Did it give you a boner? No, it's not sexual, but it's so good, it rivals the feeling of sexual pleasure. It's such an intense stimulation that...

of the nervous system and that it feels like it's right on par with sexual stimulation. I swear to God. I mean, there's gotta be something to it or why would they be so popular? No, there is something to it. It's sensational. It's amazing. Sometimes they're so, the scenarios are so fleshed out though. Sometimes it's like POV, ASMR, your boyfriend waking you up in the morning and he's also a vampire. And it's also Tuesday. Like it's Tuesday. He just got back from the UPS story to wake you up. Yeah. But it's great. It's like,

But it just provides a framework to improvise in. And it grounds it in reality. Because if I stumbled upon, if I was on YouTube and I said, it was a 55-year-old ugly math teacher who's going to teach you more about the quadratic formula, you better believe my eyes and ears would be glued to that video. I think my version of that is TikTok makeup organization where they put in like clear... I'm sorry to everybody. What just happened?

Clear acrylic cases. And they have acrylic nails and they're taking compacts and it's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love. Big crunch. I got to show you. Can I show you something that I found on the internet? Yeah. I think of you a lot on the internet. I think of you a lot. Is it the chimpanzee ripping the face off that woman? No. There's a dad laughing at a cake and I need you to see it. Did you think I was going to say that? Did you think I was going to say that? There's a dad laughing at a cake and I need you to see it. The people have a right to know. Yeah.

I got to listen to this. There's a grandpa and he's touching a cake and he's going to find out it's fake. It's styrofoam. I wonder if it's a joke. It is. It's styrofoam. Can you believe that? From a styrofoam cake. That was the whole prank.

He said, like, get him checked out. Yeah. Check him out. Get your kids checked out. Check out that grandpa laugh. I wrote down a couple of the things I wanted to talk to you about. Okay. Because we haven't talked to each other in a long time. No. Love it, by the way. Yeah, I know. I mean, I love being around you. I'm happy for you. I'm gonna let you finish. I love not seeing you. And it's sickening. It's sickening. I'm jealous of all your friends when we're on tour who don't ever have to see you. It's sickening. Yeah.

Is that too much? That's too much. Okay. Well, I got to say, Jinx won Drag Race. Congratulations. Congratulations. You did it. And then somebody else, I didn't watch the season, but I think somebody else won something too. Roger won something. Roger won Best in Show at the Westminster. Yeah. Good for them. I think we should go. I think we're done. I think we're probably done too. Listen, um,

Come see us in Australia. Oh my. The time traveler's wife right here. The time traveler's wife. I'm Dr. Manhattan. All time zones are happening at the same time. You're Dr. Mung-hattan. I need to see a doctor in Manhattan because I got to get an Adderall script and take it back to my Ivy League school and sell them for two bucks a pill. $2. $20. I learned a lot about Adderall from a documentary called Take Your Pills. Take your pills, bitch. Take your fucking pills. Brush your wig and take your pills, honey. We'll see you next time. Bye.

Bye.