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cover of episode Twirlina Marie Poukette feat. Drinklina Turlington with Trixie and Katya

Twirlina Marie Poukette feat. Drinklina Turlington with Trixie and Katya

2023/8/1
logo of podcast The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya

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K
Katya Zamolodchikova
T
Trixie Mattel
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Trixie Mattel: 我对Kendon长期为我按摩感到抱歉,他也很辛苦,也需要按摩。我每次去看按摩师时身体状况都很差,不像其他人那样定期进行按摩保养。在讨论电影《阿甘正传》时,我分享了对Jenny结局的理解,以及对这部电影的经典地位的评价。我还讲述了Dina Martina对歌曲歌词的改动,并认为这种改动本身就是一种幽默,我和其他一些人注意到了她对歌词的改动,并对此感到好奇。我喜欢Dina Martina的喜剧风格,并分享了对其作品的感受。在讨论Provincetown的房地产市场和商业经营的挑战时,我谈到了那里的高昂房价和季节性经济的限制。在分享在Provincetown住处发生的一件恐怖事件时,我描述了那里的房屋状况和一些不安全的因素。在讨论艾美奖的评选过程和对《我们干的那些事》的评价时,我认为《我们干的那些事》是一部优秀的剧集,值得获得艾美奖提名。在讨论朋友获得艾美奖提名的感受时,我认为如果朋友获得提名,我会为他们感到高兴。在开玩笑地讨论Joe Gerbino的工作和对艾美奖的看法时,我表达了对Joe Gerbino工作的认可,并对艾美奖评选过程的公平性提出了一些疑问。在描述我在Ospenhoff派对上DJ的经历时,我谈到了派对的主题和氛围,以及我播放的音乐类型。我还描述了我在派对上的服装,以及我对服装效果的不满。最后,我比较了带妆和不带妆表演的难度,并分享了我对Ospenhoff派对的评价。 Katya Zamolodchikova: 我和Trixie一起讨论了对电影《阿甘正传》中Jenny结局的理解,以及对这部电影的评价。我们都喜欢Dina Martina的喜剧风格,并分享了对其作品的感受。我认为Lip Sync for Your Life对电影片段的运用具有开创性意义,并对Lip Sync for Your Life表演中经典片段的精彩之处进行了评论。在讨论Liza Lott的表演“Terrorphone”时,我描述了该表演的特点和风格。在谈论Provincetown的经济状况和经营挑战时,我谈到了Provincetown在冬季的经济状况和经营挑战。在讨论艾美奖的评选过程和对《我们干的那些事》的评价时,我认为《我们干的那些事》是一部优秀的剧集,值得获得艾美奖提名。在对艾美奖评选过程的看法中,我认为艾美奖评选过程存在不公平之处。在讨论朋友获得艾美奖提名的感受时,我认为如果朋友获得提名,我会为他们感到高兴。在开玩笑地讨论Joe Gerbino的工作和对艾美奖的看法时,我表达了对Joe Gerbino工作的认可,并对艾美奖评选过程的公平性提出了一些疑问。在讨论Katy Perry的歌曲《The One That Got Away》时,我描述了歌曲的音乐视频。在讨论“The One That Got Away”的含义,以及各自的爱情经历时,我分享了自己的爱情经历。在讨论Missy Elliott音乐作品的特点和风格时,我表达了对Missy Elliott音乐作品的喜爱。在Ospenhoff派对上,我分享了对Trixie在派对前跑步的举动感到惊讶。在讨论Ospenhoff派对上观众的反应时,我分享了对派对上观众反应的看法。在讨论Ospenhoff派对上的摔跤表演时,我表达了对摔跤的性吸引力。我认为变装皇后在派对上的存在,可以让人们更放松地展现自我。在描述Ospenhoff派对上人们的穿着打扮时,我分享了对派对上人们穿着打扮的看法。在讨论Ospenhoff派对上人们的饮酒习惯时,我分享了在Circuit派对上工作的经验。

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The discussion revolves around the origins of Tom Hanks' accent in Forrest Gump and how it influenced the movie's perception and reception.

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Hello, welcome back to the park. Welcome to the bald and the beautiful. We're bald and we discuss all things beautiful. Oh, God, my back right now. I got a new... So my massage... I got a massage table for my house because my massage guy, Kendon... Hi, Kendon.

I feel bad because he massages all these people and then he always comes to my house and I see him carry a... Massage tables are heavy. Yes, they are. Yeah. That person needs a massage from carrying the massage table. Hello. Hello. So then I got one now and I feel after like what, five years of him rubbing me and six, seven years of him rubbing me. He's been rubbing that nasty body of yours for six, seven years? About, yeah. Get mama the medal of freedom.

I know. The Purple Heart. Only a couple times a year. And I feel bad because most people probably see a massage therapist for maintenance. By the time I see him, I'm crooked as a question mark. I'm coming back from a tour leg and like- Crooked as a question mark. They say that in Forrest Gump. Mama says my back's crooked as a question mark. That's a queer as a $3 bill and crooked as a question mark. Did you know that Tom Hanks wasn't supposed to have that accent? But then when they hired the kid actor, he had that accent. So Tom Hanks-

Improvise? Took it and used it. Jenny. Because that was the boy's accent. Oh, really? The actor. Jenny. So he probably would have been like, I love you, Jenny. It would have been a different movie. Padam. Padam. Padam. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Ha ha. That's a good one. Oh, no. Jenny has died from AIDS. I've.

By the way, didn't understand that until much later. Oh, yeah. I thought she had cancer as a kid. Yeah. Then again, I think he thought she had cancer. Yeah, we knew that he didn't know. Right. But as a kid, I didn't know either. So I'm with Forrest. You can't see the forest through the trees. Right. That movie's so good. Is it sad to think it's good? No, I think it's a classic. Is that Spielberg?

Is that Spielberg? Oh, Zemeckis. Gay. Contact. Gay. Contact. Death Becomes Her. Oh, yeah. So many. The scene at the end where he's standing at Jenny's grave talking about, like, I wish you could see our son. Oh, my God. If you could see us now. By the way, that song goes, if they could see me now, those little friends of mine. I saw Dina Martina do it. And she said, if.

They could see me now, all of my little friends. It's just the same lyric, but switched around. And she switched around on purpose. If they could see me now, all of my little friends. I don't get it. The real lyric is, if they could see me now, those little friends of mine. She's saying, all my little friends. So weird. And me and like the two musical theater faggots who notice are like...

Why is she changing it? And it's not even a joke. She's just changing it. And that is the joke. She's changing lyrics that don't need to be changed. I love Dina Martina. I do too. I laughed out loud on a scrolling, which you were like, so many people are leaving touching gifts for this memorial. And it's just a pile of trash that's overflowing in New York City. She's like, people keep leaving touching gifts at this memorial. And it's a shitty trash bin. It is.

Overflow trash. She's like, the love is overwhelming. It's so crazy. It's so funny. Oh, my God. I watched, you know what I watched over and over recently is Lip Synca at Boy Bar on YouTube. If you go on YouTube and look up Lip Synca Boy Bar, she does her classic medley. No, no. It's like a nine minute number, but it starts off with, it's the telephone medley. Yes.

It's amazing. Masterful. Masterful artwork. And I'm like, oh, wow. Yeah, I've never done drag. Not to mention. You know what I mean? If you guys don't know, Lip Synco is this famous drag queen, New York based, who basically invented drag queens talking to like clips of movies and shit. She did. She, it's like, I mean, it's the structure. I don't know if she composed this song.

Maybe it's like Madonna where she didn't invent voguing, she popularized it. Maybe lip sync could just popularize it. I'm not sure. Well, in any case, whether she's responsible for this, I think I'm sure she's probably responsible for the selection of the clips from the movies that she lip syncs. But the arrangement and the order...

you know, she does a song. It's like, I forget what the song is. And then it goes, the telephone rings. And then it's clips from old movies and everything from like Mommy Dearest to fucking, you know, Vertigo. Way like. She's the one who popularized the clip. That's how I got sick on the telephone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the monologue from the mom scene

from Carrie at the end. - Yes. - The smell of his roadhouse whiskey on his breath and I liked it. - And it's just so, so good. It's like, it is like, it's like crack for me. - It makes me think of- - It is so, so good. - You know Liza Lott? - Yes. - Who does "Terrorphone." - No, no, no, that's "All of Another."

Oh, all of another. Yeah. Yeah. Terror phone brain wipe. Yeah. Yeah. All of another great drag name. Yeah. Yeah. All of these nuts. She's been doing terror phone, which is a weekly thing in a bar in Provincetown. Yeah. For years. Forty and every week, every week it's her picking up a phone and being terrorized by different callers. Yeah, it's great. And it never ends. No. The story is baseless, directionless, but very intricate. Yeah.

Love it. She's showgirls, showgirls, showgirls, like barking. Is that still happening? I guess. I mean, I haven't been there in years, but Provincetown. Everybody's been texting me this summer, are you coming? And I really wish I was. For some reason this year I have hardcore FOMO, but everybody's saying that in P-Town...

The housing crisis is extreme. All the big companies have bought the houses. Because I looked at opening a Trixie Motel there. I was looking at properties. Forget it, Mary. But the property is so expensive. And you can only make your money during the summer months. Oh, I know. Your business sits kind of...

Yeah. I don't know. I bet in the summer or in the winter. Is it an alcoholic wasteland? Well, for you to even keep your bar open, it's hard to probably not go into deficit for months just to keep the bar open for the locals. Yeah. And I think the cost of people and, you know. I think it's like the mist.

in the winter. It's like, you know what I mean? Well, one time, The Langoliers. Yes. Peaches Christ and Varla Jean Merman did a show called The Whining that was like The Shining, but it was about Peaches and Varla living in P-Town over the winter. That's scarier than The Shining.

- Because you know, I'm not joking. - Yes I know. - It becomes Miss Pookie. - Mary. - It becomes Miss Pookie. - It's Miss Drinky Drinky and Miss Twirly Twirly. - Yeah, I know. - Like a Drinky McAlkey and Twirlina Pouquet together. Like it's crazy. - Twirlina Marie Pouquet getting down and dirty. - Featuring Drinklina Turlington.

Well, Peaches and I, this summer we lived together in Provincetown. I remember we found out that the place we were staying in, it was like, "Oh, you live there." And it was like, "Why?" I thought it was going to be like, "The ghost of Captain Abraham who came..." They were like, "Oh no, last summer a tweaker chopped off someone's arm and fucked it." 37 meth murders happened in that basement. Seriously. Yeah. I know. But anyway, I love Provincetown. I just wish I could go this summer. Why don't you try Fire Island, honey?

have you ever been there yes yeah i will not be returning yeah i i i guess i don't know i'm gonna let the girls uh let the girls movie let them have their emmys there you go but that doesn't mean i want to go to fire that's true oh speaking of emmys speaking of emmys

You know what? A lot of my friends have been nominated though. And I'm happy for all, not our friends, but our friends at Drag Race. Yes. People we know that who deserve it. What we do in the shadows. I think we know them even though we don't know all of them. I think those are our friends. Yeah. I think we're friendly with them and we certainly encourage and support them. But a show like What We Do in the Shadows where it's actually good. Yes. Emmys is so much noise and so much like, well, you say it's her year.

What we do in the shadows is actually so good. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That they skip all those steps of who's year, who owes who what. - Yeah. - And they just get those nominations and they deserve it. - Yeah. - Vanderpump Rules has two this year. - Mm. - Lucy Vanderpump has two nominations. - Really? - Crazy. Reality never gets recognized. - 60 pages of a PDF I scrolled through. - I was looking for us. - 60 pages. - I was looking for us. - 60. - One, two, three, four. - Were you disappointed?

I was... No, because I didn't expect it. Also, I didn't know what category. I was like, what? I mean, I was a little disappointed. You thought you were going to get best actress? No, because I was like, best coyote mask to scare off a young townsperson. Like, what? You know what I mean? Like, no, totally.

Best fruit basket left outside for three weeks. Best unstructured scripted docudrama in a digital space on a Wednesday. Best couple of best little roadhouse. Best little. What is it? Whorehouse in Texas. I mean, there was just so many categories. And I was like, throw the girls a little bone. A little dog bone. A little doggy bone. Munch. Munch. Munch. Chungi. The only way we're going to get nominated is if they do like best doggy

- Two drag queens, green screen. - In memoriam. - In memoriam. - Which best drag queen, green screen duo where one of them died and the other's doing a reno show? - 100%. - That would be finally, that would get our, you know. - That's the problem and I don't wanna, and you know what? I've never been on something, I love Drag Race, I love Trixie Motel, I love every show. - You do. - I've never been on anything. - Excuse me.

I sound like she's about to laugh. I know that was a sneeze. I know it sounded like a sneeze, but I thought you went... That's what I thought it was too. Miss Peanut Gallery over here. I said, I love all the shows I've been on. She goes... Yeah, yeah. She's over there picking the jerk off motion. But...

- "Elle" is something that I think the quality is actually so excellent that on behalf of Pete, the editors, "World of Wonder." - I want Ron and Jeff, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ron, Jeff, and Pete, that's what I want it for. - I want the show to be recognized 'cause I think it's actually better than other shows. I think we make something on "Elle" that actually impacts YouTube, impacts editing styles as a whole.

I mean, I did YouTube like it's a great digital series. It also was like the catalyst for, I mean, curing TB in sub-Saharan Africa. I mean, it was like that's kind of the boost that Doctors Without Borders needed for Sudan. I mean, it's completely... You think we'd have Pfizer? You think we'd have gotten rid of all those military operations in Afghanistan without... No. No. So I just want it on... Of course, I want it for us, but I also...

I've just never been on something where I think the quality is so good that even if I wasn't in it, I think it should get nominated. Yeah, but here's the thing. I had a quick reality check, but I was like, okay, best letter opener in an abandoned house on Sweetser Avenue. And I was like, okay, so this is crazy. And also, who are these people? What is this process? What does it actually mean? Do you probably buy it? It's all corrupt. Who cares? Move on.

I feel that way, but I also like when Nicole gets Nicole Byer got nominated again, every time she gets nominated, I actually feel happy for someone because she's my friend. But so good at that. It's good if you got it. It doesn't mean shit if you don't. That's my attitude. Like it's meaningless if you don't get nominated, but if you do, oh my God. Right. Yeah. Or like, you know, Gabe Lopez, who did a lot of the music on Queen of the Universe, got a nomination for, I think, the other two.

It's like when you see a friend of yours get a nomination, it means a lot. I think Joe Gerbino won an Emmy for a digital for Drag Race. I believe he did. Joe Gerbino, love of my life. How are you? Joe Gerbino, producer of the Pit Stop. And by the way, we walked into a sound booth where they were recording and we went, Joe Gerbino, how are you today? How are you? You sound well. You sound hot, actually. Really sexy. Fuck you, Joe. Hi, Joe. We have a quick question about the script. What would you do if you were here right now and I was naked? Yeah. What would you do if you were forced to handle both of our cocks?

I don't know. You work with drag queens. Hazard of the trade. You know. You know. You know. You know. Girl. What do you do? Girl.

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The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

I've been experiencing, now that it's been hot in Los Angeles like this. Oh, it is hot. I've been experiencing extremes of temperature. Yeah. Because when it's hot outside, David Silver doubles down on the air conditioning in my house. Mom, it's a meat locker in here. Did you notice? We'll be in the pool where the water's almost too heated. Oh, shit. I'm like, it's not even refreshing. Right. Then I go in the house and it's... You're going to catch a cold. And because it's hot, it's like nobody... You're going to catch a cold. It's so...

Cold. Gonna catch a cold. And then I got the air conditioning at my unit. My condo is out. So it's extremes. Yeah. It's extremes. It's hot and it's cold. Katy Perry. I love that song. Don't make fun of it. Love Opposites. She really digs into catchy little things you can understand. Happy birthday. You're hot, it's hot and it's cold. You're yes, then you're no. You're in, then you're out. You're up, then you're down. You're wrong, then it's right. It's black, then it's white.

um it's poop when it's pee it's you then it's me we we fight we break up we kiss we make up yeah you don't really want to stay no oh no but you don't really want to get out oh no oh yeah happy birthday she has a happy birthday song she's got happy birthday she has roar baby you're a firework okay she has firework yeah fourth of july she's got a lot of birthday songs she doesn't have a turkey time she doesn't have that no

She's got birthdays, every global, yearly global. Yes. Reliable. Someday she'll have a song for every birthday. April 22nd. Yeah.

- The day that you were born. - The day that you were born there. - Oh, May 1st, May 1st, May 1st. - Yeah. I love Katy Perry. I know that that's a point of contention for us, but that album, "One of the Boys," not to be a millennial, when I first heard that record, I was like, this is amazing. - What about the one that got away? 'Cause I love that. - We love that song. - I imagine that's about Mary Kay Letourneau, the school teacher who, I imagine that's about an older female teacher who

went to jail for having sex with a young male student. - I thought it was about the Zodiac Killer. ♪ In another life ♪ - Have you seen the video? - No, I imagined it in my head. - The music video starts out with Katy Perry as an old person in the future. - See, see. - It's like a future home. - Yes. - And she's old and she walks in. By the way, don't know why I went like this

I meant like she's she plays it physically like old. Right. Yeah. She walks in. She's not a T-Rex. Maybe I should stop doing that. She's older. She's playing it old. She's she's hobbling wig. And then her husband's like she flashes back and the song starts and it's her and like her boyfriend when she's young and it didn't work out.

And she's married and old, but she's remembering the boyfriend that didn't work out. The one that got away. I think we all have one that got away. Well, this is, Labada just has, she has the same exact conceived, when it's called, like, the one that got away, essentially. And it's like, what could have been two separate lives and they're running towards each other, but then they go back. Oh, it's very touching and moving. Do you have one that got away? The one that, he didn't get away so much as he, You asked him to leave. No.

He didn't got away because he never was. He could never have him. But with your smoking at the time, you couldn't catch him. I don't know. There's he was on a skateboard. You were never going to catch up. I think there's only I've had one. The one true love of my life was not available. But I also don't. I think that is a really dramatic, the true love of my life. Well, also the one that got away.

Is that the serial killer? By the way, it also means Jeffrey Dahmer. Anyone you ever fall in love with next, if they hear that you used to call that person the one that got away, that feels shitty. Does it? I was with David and he still referred to someone from his past as the one that got away. Oh, like you're his second choice or third or fourth or something. Which I probably am. I'm probably a lot of people's.

You're a safe bet. I'm a safe bet. Yeah. I'm not going anywhere. I'm financially independent. It grows your economy. Hurts nobody. Helps everybody. I'm not going anywhere. I'll take a load. You know, I'll treat you good. Oh, oh, wait, wait, hold on. I know that you love Missy Elliott. I'm writing this down. Love Missy Elliott. I have been getting into back into because I know every pretty much every lyric of most of her hits.

Take my thong off and my ass go boom. Turn the lights on so you see what I can do. Where's the Grammy? She probably got one. Where's the Kennedy Center Honors? Where's the Pulitzer Prize? Where's all of those accolades? Take my thong off and my ass go boom. Take my thong off and my ass go boom. Cut the lights on so you see what I can do.

I know. I said, sometimes when you have a really iconic song, like anything Missy Elliott, it's impossible to remix because how can you improve on something so good? Yes. Oh, I'm obsessed with the, I don't know what you call it. She was like, she'll say something to go, yes. And in the meltdown, she's like, what? Like she'll say something crazy and be like. Or it'll be like a break and she'll go like. And then you're like, this lesbian? Screaming, oh daddy. Juicy's running like a river slowly down my caloota. Say what? Oh my God.

Every phrase has a, oh shit. But you know what's so good about it? She presents music that is inarguably flawless. But she presents it with a major sense of humor about it. Yeah. She's just making fun of music. It's so funny. It's like, oh shit. Like, always in the back. Her conscience is like ego. She says something confident and it's like, nice. It's like, for real. Oh my God.

And then the lyrics are so funny. There's that one clip where she says, if you're big, you got to stop dancing before you put potholes in my lawn. At her barbecue, stop dancing because you're going to put potholes in my lawn. A plus size girl like her being like, and by the way, you too big. You're going to put potholes in my lawn. Lost a few pounds in my whiffs for you.

She's amazing. Ba ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta. Yes. Sex me so good I say blah blah blah. I think sex me so good I say blah blah blah is probably one of my favorite song lyrics of all time. It's amazing. I have the acapella of that and you can just throw it over like any song. By the way, I had a gig

Saturday, I DJed Ospenhoff. Oh my. Have you ever been to this? Mama, I had a very long conversation about something. Come to the red table. Come to the red table. I've never been. No, that's not true. I think I'd been in like 2016. A warehouse party where everybody's on G, is that correct? I don't know what drugs people are on. But I do know it was the type of party that it was invite only and there's...

- Medical staff. There's a tent like for people in case. - Oh, 'cause it tastes like candy. - Probably not from drinking. That's all I'm gonna say. - Yes. - But I don't know what people do. - Well, people are doing K and G and Coke and Tina and all that stuff. - I was turnt because I had a lot of caffeine all day. David got me a black tea and then I made a black- - Turnt on black tea. - Yeah. - Turnt on black tea. - Black tea. And then I had a, I made my, no.

You know black tea. You know her. No. I had a black tea and then I made a black tea. I took three tea bags, made tea with it and poured it over ice. I poured it over ice, which is I think the equivalent of like people doing coke up a hooker's nipple. To me that was gooning. That's like a shooting coke in a truck stop bathroom. A hundred percent. I was like, what if we just went for it? Let's go three tea bags. That was the equivalent of pulling the plunger out and putting it back in. I've seen them do that in movies.

So I'm like jittery all day. And then later in the day, I go, you know what? I need some exercise. I'm going to grab a Celsius from 7-Eleven and I'm going to go on the treadmill for a little bit. I ran a little 5K, but even if I got off the treadmill. You ran a 5K before doing Asponhoff?

Well, yeah, I run all the, it's three, three miles. It's not like, okay. Okay. He's different. He's different. I did five pounds of K black tea. And then I G'd out. I, I, I K hold on the treadmill. Yes. TKO. So then I go to the gig and I'm like in the, I'm in,

By the way, it's wrestling themed. And they told me I didn't have to come and drag because it's too hot to come and drag. It's too darn hot. So I'm in a... Bernie gets me a pink wrestling onesie. And you know, I've lost a few pounds on my whips for you. So...

I'm looking good. I'm not exactly the gun show. Hot boys. Right. Maybe you've got what I want. Yeah. So I get there. I'm in. I buy. Great. Thank you. Yeah. You haven't said anything. I buy white wrestling, you know, like headgear. Like RuPaul mask. Well, no. Like the RuPaul mask. Like the RuPaul mask. I put on one of those white ear guards for wrestling. Oh, yes. I know that. And I thought I'm going to look like a hot like wrestler. I put on a black, two black eyes with bloody nose. Like, because I want to look like I was in a fight. Oh.

Oh, yeah. And I thought it was going to look one way. I looked like I was wearing that helmet for insurance reasons.

Do you remember in Garden State when she wears that padded helmet because of her insurance for her seizure medication? I don't remember. I looked like I was wearing it for a medical reason. It was a neck brace. It was getting Penelope and Miller wearing neck brace. I'm bald. And then Brandon bought me a wrestling onesie that was pink, which is kind of fun. But it kind of looked like a big pencil eraser. Fuck. You know? Yeah. And I thought I'd been in pretty good shape until I got to that party. And I was like, oh, never mind. Never mind.

Get off the stage, fatty. Not fatty, but lack of muscular ability. Yeah, where's the muscle tone? You fucking flopped. So I was like, okay. And I get there and it was really fun. It was so fun. I didn't have to do drag. Whenever I don't have to DJ in drag. You're vibing. Do you know how much harder everything is in drag? I do. Okay. So imagine doing tricksy and country live, but we didn't have to dress up at all. First of all. It's like nothing. Yeah. It's like nothing. That would be like.

literally nothing. I'd be like, hey, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Hey, we're going to need you to do your stuntman work today, but you don't have to fall down the stairs. You're just going to sit in a comfy chair. Yeah, you don't need any shoes. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy. So I do the gig. It was so fun. I plan all my tracks in advance for these gigs like this where I'm like, I've never been there. And Osminoff's kind of a cool party. It's invite only, whatever. And I want to do a good job. And

I love our audience. I very rarely get put in a room with gay men on drugs having sex with each other. So the music has to be different than my usual vibe. - Yeah, from awkward to- - I can't play like disco and like- - What did you play? What did you play? - I played a lot of big, nasty, dark, like, I don't know what I would consider like men's sex party music.

Big, gross, nasty, heavy bass lines. A lot of strong electronic musical elements. And not a lot of top 40 references. I'm not trying to... Usually I'm trying to trick an audience that isn't into house music into liking house music. So you have to play a lot of contemporary acapellas or stuff they might recognize. It's like feeding an animal a dog pill. Oh, yeah. You gotta put it in the meat. Put it in the meat. Yes. This party, because these are people who love drugs and house music. Oh, interesting. Interesting.

- Interesting. - They're there to hear aggressive house music. - But it's not a circuit party, per se, where it's like, where it's that constant drone where people are just like, no. - I still played some really dumb shit. 'Cause I was like, well, they're there to see me, who cares? - Interesting. How were you received, do you think? - A blast. - I heard a little bit different. - Shut up! - I got a text from somebody who we know.

Who said, "I go to that party all the time and I've never seen people dance like that." Which is very sweet. Oh, I mean, I told you that some guy, I don't know where I was, but we were talking, they mentioned you, you had DJ'd at Evita maybe? Probably. Yeah. And they're like, it was like, you know, I could tell it was one of those guys who was like very like a bitchy gay guy who's unimpressed by everything. He's like, "I normally don't like any DJ." He didn't talk like that.

It's like, I normally don't like DJs. She did amazing. That's the, thank you. But that's the problem with DJing is unless they're doing really good or really bad, you don't necessarily go, I'm so grateful for that person over there. You don't think about it. Right. Cause it's just good. So you need to either turn it or if you're bad, people notice. Yeah. Like if the, you unplug the thing from the wall. Yes. But you don't want to do that. In my experience, you don't want to do that. How do you switch songs?

Well, I was just relieved it all went well because Aspen Hop is like a cool, gay, sexy party. And I was like, well, I'm like a fucking cross-dresser. So I was like, how these things don't overlap. The other thing about that party was it was wrestling themed. And in the middle of the big warehouse, there was a real wrestling ring. With drag queens dressed in wrestling outfits fighting to the death, beating the shit out of each other. I'm surprised about the drag element because for me, that's a boner killer.

I love wrestling sexually.

like as a sexual thingy. Do you know what I mean? I mean, wrestling is obviously very homoerotic. Men wrestling with each other. Well, I do think when somebody, I will say, when there's a bunch of guys who let's say, I'm not self-diagnosing because I'm also gay. We all have a little bit of baggage about our own faggotry. We're like, I hate my hand in that picture. I hate how gay I am. I hate this on my own. When gay guys say I hate this on my own voice, what they're hearing is their gay voice. Their gay voice, yeah. I do think when there's a drag queen in the room, everyone else feels like,

Can we just be ourselves tonight? It's almost like. Can we just all be a little faggy? Yes. You know what? You're right. It's like the masculinity expectation thermometer. It was just like not in play. I think it's healthy. This is a video of me. It looks like it's keeping my jaw on. Like I just had surgery. It looks like. Brain surgery. Yes. Oh, my fontanelles. Your fontanelles. My soft fontanelles. Your fontanelles have not sealed yet. And this is my I just got beat up makeup.

Oh, that's fun. Yeah. That's fun. And then this was I got to show you this. This is the the drag queens beating the shit out of each other in a wrestling ring. Oh, so it's a full on show. They did a full on show. One of the drag queens had a big pop that looked like the Ozempic like thing. And she was like using it. And then it was like her superpower of beating the other one up. Oh, my God. It was crazy. How long did that go on for?

A good 10 minutes. Wow. And then there was Queens in the ring, like narrating. Any big titted squirt girl? No, unfortunately. That's my favorite. You know what I like though? And I am gay. I like to see men in their bodies. You do? It was fun. I forgot like, oh, at these parties, it's just going to be.

Even people who have kind of half-assed costumes, they're going to be hanging on gorgeous frames. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fun to look at muscly people. And also, it's an opportunity for the bankers, the investment strategists. And that's who it is. People with normal lives. Yeah, they go out. They do a little K. They do a little G. They get to show off what they've worked so hard on every day for two hours at the gym and then fucking suck and take loads in the bathroom. Yeah, I think it's good. It's great. I think it's good. As long as they don't die.

Well, I think there's access to water. There's healthcare professionals, bathrooms. I wonder if people drinking. I noticed that these clubs, a lot of people aren't drinking because of you know what?

Well, which is actually responsible. Do not, but if you're doing pills and shit, don't introduce one drink. Oh no, no. Can change everything for the worst. Yeah. But you don't drink. But I think people know not to do that with G, but like, I wonder about the bar sales and stuff. Well, I mean, that's why they charge $800 for a ticket for these things. Yes. When I used to work at the circuit parties with like Kim and Pearl and everyone, Shay,

I know for me as a drinker and non-drug doer, I would have to have a Red Bull, anything before midnight, Red Bull. Okay. And then you start drinking later because if you drink at 9 p.m. when everyone's taking their pill, you won't last till 4 a.m. Oh my God. And we would work at these parties for seven hours in drag. So, you know, you have to start drinking late. Otherwise you're trashed by two when everyone's like little pills kicking. And you're working. Yes.

It was fun. It was fun though. I really liked Aspen Hoff. I honestly wasn't sure what kind of time I would have and it was like top five most fun experiences. I'm so happy you had a good time. It was fun. No, I'm glad. And not to be gauche but I wasn't there for the money so it was like just fun to have a blast. It's fun to have fun. Yeah, it's fun to have fun. Don't apologize for it. Okay. No, I have one more thing to say. Don't you dare silence me. I had a photo shoot the other day and Brandon and I

Brandon rarely forgets something really important. But when he does, maybe we'll forget a shoe, but don't worry, there's a backup. Or maybe you'll forget the earrings I wanted, but don't worry, these match. We were at a photo shoot where I had, you know, when I have my base wig on and everything is false, like flips, updos, whatever. He forgot the base. All bobby pins. So I'm at a photo, all bobby pins, all hair pins, bobby pins. So I have my base wig. I have all my toppers and no way to secure them.

So we get there and Brandon and I- Chip clips. Luckily, I was in such a horrible mood that day that Brandon going, we forgot the bobby pins. Normally, I might go, oh no, what are we going to do? On this day, I was like, so what? Who cares? None of this matters. Also, I'd be like, let's, did we forget? No, I didn't say that. And then Brandon later goes, thank you for being so cool. And I said, well, I'm being cool because I know we both know.

how majorly this affects what I'm trying to do. So there's no use discussing it because drag queens can't live without bobby pins. It's just not possible. At a certain point, it's like, also, what is the point of like flying off the handle? That's the thing. It's like the time I could spend yelling, you could be in the car going to get them. Yeah, A, I would never yell and B, well, we're here and we don't have them.

So what we ended up doing was Brandon went over to the photographer, quick thinking Brandon, goes over to the photographer, gets wire ties, and we ended up using zip ties to secure the wigs on my head. Oh, fierce. And it was, and we luckily had a few handfuls of small bobby pins. So you had some bobby pins. We had maybe like five and they were small. Okay. And when you're securing these big sculptural wigs, you need geisha pins, like big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, that ended up, all the pictures I ended up having to just sort of like.

Model, but not snap my neck in any way. Anyway, I've never had no bobby pins and it was like... That was really tough. It's a def... Yeah. That must have been like 9/11. I think we're done. No, no, no. I think we're done here. No, wait, wait. I think we're done here. Wait, wait, wait. No, no. I want to say one thing. I want to say one thing. Now if I wore flat little wigs like you, bobby pins wouldn't be a problem because we don't traditionally style the wigs. If I just took wigs out of bags, I'd be in a different place. Unfortunately,

I wanted to say that I recently employed the services of a stylist. Oh, for? For jewelry. Not for out of drag. No, for. Obviously. No. But you could. Girl, you could. You could get somebody to go in there, work out your men's closet. So every time you need an outfit. I can also go to the store and buy it myself. I know. Hurts no one. Helps. But for drag, you got a stylist. No, no. So no, I went to this. I went to, I got hooked up through Andrew's friend who does the cabaret.

This like professional, this incredible German woman named Jana, she is a fucking riot. The jewels, Fierce Drag, you wanna talk about Fierce Drag jewels? I rented this like, these giant jewels that cost like thousands of dollars. - Really? - Yes, and I had to sign a thing then. I was like, look at the total. It's like, if I don't bring these back, - So if you lost it. - I would have been charged about seven grand.

And heavy, heavy stuff. And that's a lot for you. I could have beat you to death with one of the necklaces. Yeah. Heavy, like almost medieval looking shit. I saw them that we were wearing the other day. Some of them are pretty. Yeah. Some of that it's like, but it was weird. I've never like...

I feel like those actresses who wear the shopar, the Harry Winston jewels, they borrow them for red carpet events. And they have a security guard with them. It was very, very that. I was like, I don't think I want this lifestyle. Did it scare you? Well, I was just like, I was hypervigilant of jewelry. Now, is it sort of rent to own though? If you text her like, I love this piece. Can I have it? How much? Will she sell it to you? I love this piece. Do you have, I would have to pay the price of it. Yeah. And I don't even know if she would sell it to me. Yeah.

The other problem is if you and I were real women... I wouldn't do that. If you and I were real women, real women, nice jewelry matters, but...

For drag, put on the big cheap shiny shit. Who cares? It only matters for photo shoots. Like for video, mama. Who cares? Who cares? I'm going to put a little cloth so it doesn't turn my neck green. And it's going to break in two hours. That's just what, that's the world we're living in. I know. But for photo shoots, it does make, it is like, it is worth it. But I was like, oh my God. But I walked into her apartment, racks and racks of couture. And I was like, there's nothing in my size. She's like, no, we have stuff in your size. And then I started to like pre-cum.

And then I was like, I don't know what to do. Can I tell you? Sia borrowed me a. Borrowed you? Lent you? Lented. Lented. Lented me like a little Valentino caftan to wear. Uh-huh.

I took it home, got it dry cleaned and I'm going to give it back because I'm scared to wear it. And I'm going to act like I wore it. That's what I said. I was like, I saw this, I saw a sequin thing. I was like, that's not my size. She's like, that would fit you perfectly. I looked at it. I saw how well it was made, how delicate the closure was. I was like, I'm not even going to touch this thing.

Because you don't want to know what's going to happen if I try to put this on my body. Do you know what it's going to be like when people get underglow on a car that's like a Prius? No, Pet Sematary, mama. That Garmin's coming back changed. You know what I mean? Sometimes dead is better. And I'm not, I wouldn't even. Oh, you think you're going to send it back like scabbed out? Well, I would have to dry clean it. Scabbed out. No question. And I don't even want to go through that rigmarole. Yeah. You know?

Anyways, I had it dry cleaned. I'm just going to give it back and tell her I wore it because I'm scared to. No, never mind. Just Photoshop it. Put on a hanger and then you put your head on. I'll do it for you. Well, as soon as I liked it and then I got it home and saw that, I think it's an Oscar de la Renta. And I was like, I don't think I should be wearing this. I think I should go back to the woman. Give it back to the woman. Yeah. Give it back to the rich, beautiful, famous woman. Oscar de la Grouch. Yeah. There's a reason why when I go to Vanderpump, she doesn't like give me one of her fancy magician shirts because she knows. Yeah. Does she have silk rugs?

On the floor? Silk rugs on the floor? As opposed to in the ceiling? Do people have silk rugs? Yeah, of course they do. Wait a minute. Like silk, like the fabric? Yeah. Silk, wool. They put silk on the floor? That sounds slippery. Well, it's not like a silk blouse. Oh, that's what I thought. I'm like, what are you talking about? Do you think that rich people have very slippery silk fabric floors? White satin sheets. Hi, AD. Hi.

immediately slipping hello the whole ad is the camera person slipping over and over again you gotta get ad in here well i need to get a um adp in here um wait wait i have so i'm you know there are guidelines about how to hang photos shut up so i'm gonna i'm getting that um uh hole filled you don't like that huh i don't but you live alone who are you hiding from myself is that a hole or a window

- Good, what do you think? - Why don't you just have-- - Doesn't a window have glass in it? Can't you open and close the window? - I couldn't tell if it was clean. - Ah! - Mama, you think that's... - I guess in your house, it's not, oh wait, it's gonna be that clean. - That's giving me a lot of credit. - I don't know. - That glass is so fiercely clean, you can't even see it.

Mary, are you blind? You little faggot. So you're getting it closed up. I like it, but okay. Frosted glass? Just a little frosted glass? So it can stay like open feeling? No. I don't need it open. I like doors that close and I like walls that don't have holes in them. Call me crazy. My crack house days are over. It is giving halfway house where like we can't let you close the door fully.

It is giving the supervisors in the living room and she can hear what you're doing in there. Poking the head in with a clipboard, just seeing if you're here and writing something down. Three heads peeking up, looking at us, writing notes. How funny would that be?

You know what I mean? In that case, I think you should close it. Yes. Okay. That's happening. And also now I don't like the freedom it gives you to do like pratfalls or whatever you're trying to do. I did like hanging plants up there with little tablets. I got all wacky. I think that would be nice. Well, what I wanted to do, what I dreamed of is to have someone install a perfectly sized LED screen that I could play whatever I wanted on it, such as a fish tank.

a scary cemetery scene for Halloween or whatever do you know what I mean yeah are you joking though I'm not joking at all because I do think closing it is a bad idea I am going to close it okay

And also, um, is there lights in it? Uh, no, no, there were, I, there had been top lights on the, like on the thing. Oh, you were really doing stupid, faggish child, childish, faggy stuff. Yeah. Experimenting command strips, feeling all drunk with power with your command strips. Check out the hue lights in the gym. It's Torlina down there, but I love, I love those. It's like when you say you're working out. Now I know what you're doing down there. Yeah.

You're like Madonna in the hung up video where she's just doing stretches over and over again. Okay. I think that's it. Yeah. Well, so thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast. We've got 40 years of history. Sucking cock, bitch.

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