When You Need the Endurance to Persevere, It’s Trimix! with Trixie and Katya
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New chairs. Oh my God. I love these. Oh, I love these chairs. I really do too. I do. You know, I was watching this now that we moved into my old bedroom to film in here and it is whack as hell. These are just in frame the whole time. Oh, I guess so. But I mean, you know what? I mean, what? What are you going to do? Yeah. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? And there's nowhere here to pull trade. There's no bed. Nothing makes people more comfortable in a sex situation than lots of lights and cameras. That's...

Well, remember that time I hooked up with that guy, that OnlyFans person who didn't get hard. And I said, it's hard for me to not take it personally. When you can get hard with about 12 other people around, a grip, a key grip, a dolly grip, you know, Stephen Sondheim. Best boy. Best boy. Best boy. Best boy. Best boy. Assistant to Mr. A COVID officer. A body double. A COVID officer on the Paramount lot. The head of MGM. But then when we're here in privacy...

That dick receded like a, like a, like a, it collapsed on itself like a neutron star. Yeah. Okay. It's like, it looked like earth. It was earth, a gray shriveled rubber band. I know. So I know you're averse to, you don't believe in, you know, feeding people Viagra like candy or whatever, but why not? I guess I'm wacky how I don't give strangers prescriptions. I, that's the personal choice. Your body, your choice or their body, their choice, their body, my choice. That's what I'm trying to say. But you don't have a little try mix around later around. Oh, you know, I should, I,

I want to start slow. And so I'm going to start with two injections into the cock shaft. Do people know about Trimex? Because we talk about it, but we talk about like it's a watch brand. It's Chris's. My husband got me a Trimex. I love it. Trimex is, they call it liquid Viagra, right? Like injectable Viagra. Yeah, you inject. So here's what you got to do. Because for people who suffer from erectile dysfunction, not even, I wouldn't say dysfunction because...

Maintaining an erection for six hours during a shoot is not exactly like, that's not a normal function, I would say. Right. But in order to keep that thing rock hard, it's an injectable into the shaft, the tissue of the penis to make it tumescent. But you got to pump the cock first because some of these guys got dead dicks, dead dicks.

Dead dicks. That dick ain't alive. Well, is it permanent damage? Well, there's a lot. I mean, some people do it. I think it depends on the dick. Depends on how the frequency, all that stuff. But you could have a dead ass dick. But you know what? Like a lot of, hey, death, being dead is as, being, dying is as natural as being born. And having a dead dick. Sometimes dead is better. Yeah.

I've seen some dicks. I wish we're dead. Oh, my God. But you got to pump it, get it hard. Then you got to stick it. Then you need to... Is it a bop it? Is it... Pissed it? Pass it? You got to like boop, boop. Two injections. So it's an injectable. It's a needle. So when you walk into the bedroom, are you L driver? Yes. Kill Bill with the needle? I got two. Uh-huh. I got to take the eye patch off because I need my vision to do the... Are these people injecting their own dicks? Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes. Many times. And then...

There is a antidote, which I believe is like similar to this could be very false, but it's like nasal spray. I think the active it's some kind of thing like that where it's like you can. It's Nasonex. Yeah. It's like because sometimes the dick doesn't go down. Well, don't they say in the commercials, if you experience an erection longer than four hours. But these people are like, if it's not going to be for eight hours, why bother? Well, yeah, they need to. And I was thinking about that the other day. I was like, wow.

These you I mean shit even when I've been like pumped the most bloodshot diva pumped full of Viagra. Yeah, that's not a dick. I mean six hours. It's not gonna do you know, that's intense. I saw a tweet the other day that said bottoms be like, oh, I'm so wet baby. That's I don't like that. I don't like you know, the more I'm like, I'm like

It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. You know, I'm starting to turn on my people. I'm starting to feel a disconnect. I'm like, am I gay? Was I ever gay?

Because you know, being gay is tired, corny, and played out. It really is. Oh my gosh. Not as played out as drag. No, no, no, no, no. Drag is more played out. That's the dead dick. Drag is the dead dick of the gay experience. It's the necrosis of the gay experience. It's the rigor moris. Well, how about this? I had to tell the guy, speaking of needles, I just came from the doctor, got a giant injection in my hip. And they told me this. Birth control? Yes. Yes. Uh-huh. Yes.

But they, I had to wear a Johnny. I don't usually experience the doctor like this. What's a Johnny? A Johnny is a night dress, a dressing gown. Open in the back. Open in the back. But he said, take your pants and your underwear off. Were you getting an IUD put in? That seems involved. Right. But like all the other times I've gotten the shot, I just, you know, I pulled them down a little bit. He said, take your pants and your panties off. He didn't say panties, but I wish he did. And then I had the Johnny on over my sweatshirt with my hat and socks and

And I was laying on the bed for so long, like 20 minutes. We need to talk. Okay. At the doctor, the amount of time you will sit in that room by yourself is actually really shocking. Well, I- 40 minutes? Yes. An hour? They said when I got the last minute appointment and they were like, okay, 1230, you have to be here. Like, please be there by noon. So I got dropped off at the wrong place. I ran five blocks to be 10 minutes late and then waited about-

20 minutes to be seen and then another 20 minutes in the thing, which is fine, whatever. But like I was just like, this is the strangest thing. I'm naked from the waist down with my hat on. I wouldn't take the hat off. And then I was like on my side with my little butt exposed. And no one wants that. And then I told him I was a drag queen. And I just thought to myself, I wish I was living someone else's life right now.

It was too much. Oh my... You know what you need? You need like a get... You know in Get Out, the reveal is that they're taking people's brains and putting them in other people's bodies. The different one. We need to put your brain in a different body because your brain in a different body... My brain into Jennifer Lawrence's body. We could have really different lives. Yeah. My brain into Jennifer Lawrence's body or my brain into...

Penelope Cruz's body, or perhaps even my brain into Svetlana Loveta's body. You could do a lot with that. You could actually help her. I could do a lot with that. Absolutely. You could help her. I want to get into Paris Jackson's body. Who is Paris Jackson? This really tall, beautiful actress. I believe she's Michael Jackson's daughter. Really? Yeah, Paris. Somebody bring up a clip. Paris Jackson. Look, she gorged. Oh, wow. She looks like... Actually, from here, she looks like...

Penelope Cruz. Yeah, when she goes missing and then suddenly she gets really into guitar playing, you're going to know. I'm not going to be very subtle about it. Oh, right, right, right. Paris Jackson reveals her Barbie collection and her aversion for acoustic guitars. And her love of auto harp. Yeah, and they're going to be like, hmm. Meanwhile, Trixie Mattel has been found missing. Do you like Michael Jackson music? Well...

I'm not talking about the person. Do you like the sounds of the music? Do you like the way it sounds? Before I knew about his licking little baby's asses,

I, as a child, listened to Jackson 5, Motown. Did you really? Yeah, but I never got that into the contributions musically of that person. I don't love men's voices, to be honest. There's a handful of singers that I listen to on the regular that have men's voices. I just don't like to listen to it for some reason. Who are the top five singers, male, men, men who sing? Shaq. Shaq.

Didn't Shaq do rap? Charlie Sheen. Oh, Rick Moranis had a country album. Rick Moranis. Jim Belushi. Jim Belushi. No, really though, really. Who's your top five? My favorite five. Right away. Male singers. Male singers, go. James Taylor. James Taylor. Love. Okay, next one. James Taylor. Jason Isbell. Jason Isbell. Love. Greatest songwriter of our generation. Who am I really listening, listening to?

I don't really listen to a lot of male singers, I guess. The 52s. Love Fred Schneider, of course. Two more. It was a clam. Love those.

I love James Taylor. Two more, two more, two more. Oh, Townes Van Zandt. That album, Live at Houston, it's in a bar. And while he's singing, you can hear people talking, people going to the bathroom. You can hear pool tables. It's very informal. And he tells little lame jokes between his- Barry Manilow. Do you like him? No. Michael Bolton. No. Elvis. Of course, come on. Okay, Roy Orbison. Not really. Not really. Barry Gibbs.

No. Oh. The Bee Gees, I think. The Bee Gees. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Okay. Falsehood. Yeah. More than a woman. I should have been a disco singer. Okay. More than a woman to me. Yeah, I don't know. When I think of like Luciano Pavarotti. Oh, of course. I mean, come on. I remember listening to him in college because, you know, the teachers want us to listen to like, you know, the people people. Yeah, yeah.

It almost looks like an extreme... When you're singing, it's not pressure, but it's a resistance, right? It's like a piece of soft tissue that's operating but not clenching. And with somebody like him, the full body is engaged. And that sound is shooting out of his skeleton into an auditorium. It's almost an extreme feat of sportsmanship. Comanche sportsmanship. It's an extreme...

Archery on horseback. Archery on horseback. It's pretty crazy. Well, Eden was just saying that a lot of times it's hard for female singers who are expected to look graceful, beautiful, and flawless because that level of singing requires such a grimace often that like to really get those notes when there's no lip syncing, it's not the most flattering thing to look at close up on a camera or in a concert. So why prerecorded is usually the tea. But the greats don't care. Look at Celine.

I had the same voice. My voice teacher used to sing backup for Celine and he was like, in her top end, she does this thing called like the bunny face where she like almost snarls to access like her teeth. And he was just like, it's not about looking. He's like, that's just the weird face you make to get the sound perfect. I said, you know what? Let the people make ugly faces. What if you had a gorgeous voice? Gorgeous. Let's say it's Celine meets Whitney meets Jennifer Hudson meets just it's the voice. But every time you go to sing, the piano starts and you're like,

I think that would, that would be incredible because what he wanted to. And then the song's done and you go. Because that's when you get in bed with a fabulous lighting designer. And then in concert, it all goes dark or a projectionist who projects a face onto your face. And then during the, the, the moments of like the breaks and you just. Yeah. Go back to smiling. Well, it's sometimes, I mean, it's kind of like an industry trope that like people are compensating. Yeah. Yeah.

And tongue out too. The words could be Mary had a little lamb and you're like. Like Reagan in The Exorcist. Or it's that Snapchat filter that Macy Rodman uses. The one that's like, not the tongue one, the other one that's like. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That one's really intense. And imagine you're singing like Phantom of the Opera and you're just like, I love that. But you know what? That's what she looks like. I love the idea of like an industry, like you're compensating. Like if you're not as good of a singer, you like.

Do reveals or wear fabulous, whatever. And then if you're a really good singer, you're like, I don't need all that. I just wear a black turtleneck. Park and bark. Yeah. The park and bark. That's what you notice. You see me at the music festivals doing about 15 costume reveals. And then you see Adore singing in a t-shirt. Yeah. And you brought the Big Apple Circus with you. Yeah. If you want to hear this. Yeah. Although Adore's in Milwaukee tonight. She is so good live. I did a gig with her once. And this sounds dumb. I had just never heard a drag queen sing like that. Mm-hmm.

Before Queen of the Universe, when my mind is permanently blown forever by those singers. Permanently blown. But when I saw Adore do a soundcheck live, I was like, I thought she was lip syncing. I was like, this is unreal. Her voice is unreal. She's got a good voice. She's got a good voice. And it sounds exactly like her record, which is very impressive. That is impressive. I mean, I don't think... She's great. Adore, friend of the show. She's been on the pod many...

Many, many, many, many, many. I hate when people do that. When they say many, many, many, many, many. You can just say it once. Just say many times. Many means many. You could say 300 times if you want to get specific. There doesn't have to be many, manys. Yeah. Many is many. Many is many is many. What about Rihanna? Did you catch the Super Bowl yesterday? I know you're a huge football fan. I didn't. I filmed all day because I thought, it's the Super Bowl. I'm not going to get invited to anything. You better believe Gigi Gorgeous was like, you want to come over for a Super Bowl party? I said, yeah.

What is this sports powwow we're doing? No, no, no, no, no. Here's the thing. Nobody's actually watching the game. They're doing drugs until the halftime show and then they're drinking afterwards. Yeah. It's great. You know, Rihanna, I mean, listen, people are critical of a person who to me doesn't produce a lot of brand new music.

But when you have a body of work like hers, it's called finishing early. It's when you're taking the SATs and you prepped and so you fill out your Scantron and you go set it down and leave before the time's over. I think she has 14 number one hits. Yeah, Rihanna doesn't owe you or anyone more music. Let her vibe. She's making makeup. She's mom. Yeah. I don't know why we're critical of people because they haven't released an album in a while. Who cares? Yeah, it is strange. It is strange. It's like a one-hit wonder.

Except they finished early. 14 times. Right. Like Devo could write Whip It and they'd be like, we're done. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? I don't know. I don't know. I thought she was, I thought it was great. I thought it was like extremely well choreographed. I don't know who the choreographer was. That information is, I feel like you have to dig to find that out. I looked it up. Joni Mitchell. Joni Mitchell.

She got booted off. She left Spotify to choreograph for Rihanna. Good for her. And you know what? She should say it. She's Canadian. She's a painter. And she's a choreography for Rihanna. Rihanna. And Rihanna's music has a very worldly, multicultural appeal because the way she sings is...

It's not even really, it's sort of like Sia, where the words are so distorted. It's kind of English, but it kind of isn't. You know? She like manipulates the words. Oh, nah, nah. Right. It's not even, it has so much appeal in different countries. Come on, come on, come on. Oh, I started doing Drag in the Clubs when S&M came out. You better believe every show, somebody had that red wig on and a cheap cat suit and they were rolling around in the dirt. Willem and Detox were in that video. It's a great song. I don't want to be like,

That's my favorite Rihanna song. That's pretty basic. Have you ever heard that song, California King Bed? It's her like big ballad. It's so beautiful. California King Bed? Yeah. And I can't sing it because we'll get caught. Oh, it's not the Take a Bow song, is it? No, it's a ballad about sleeping in a big bed. And even though you're in the same bed together, you feel really far apart. That's like Toriyama's song called Chiner. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. Let's take a break.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. I have something I want to talk to you about. I went to see, speaking of drag queens performing, I went to see Bob at the Troubadour like two nights ago. And went in and went the last second. I did a really good job. How'd you secure those tickets?

Bob. You contacted Bob. Okay. You invited him. And then Bob's assistant, Kennedy reached out. Kennedy Davenport. Kennedy reached out. By the way, I was texting Kennedy, Bob's assistant. I almost texted Kennedy Davenport. What time should I get there? Can you get me tickets to Bob's show? Because you're both black. Yeah. Hey, can you text her? So I get there and I walk in. It's a really, they have a little VIP area. Oh, that's good. And I'm staying there watching the show. Bob comes out. It's an EP. So it's like six tracks.

Oh, it's a music show. Yeah. It's a music show, but it's rap music, house music, R&B vibes. Oh, cool. Six, I think six total performers. Okay. So Bob was doing numbers and then he would have other artists doing numbers. Oh, cool. Like such as? I don't remember anybody's name.

But I loved it. You didn't know that you weren't familiar with them. It was this beautiful, it was like, I mean, everybody there was either, uh, everybody was queer or black or trans. It was like, you had to be in the music was great. The sound was great. Bob was great. The performances, Bob's rapping was like so cunty, but like comedic and like,

it's so long it was at least an hour it's only six tracks so bob at the beginning was like y'all it's like 14 minutes of music so bear with me here i've been like bob was like i'm fleshing out the show otherwise i'll be out of here in 15 minutes bob did costume changes looked so good willem was there willem has long hair and a beard what mary it was why the last man the last of us it was

Long beard, long hair. He goes, I'm a top now and flips his hair. And I was like, this is crazy. The people we know are crazy. Upside down. It was really crazy. Upside down. Naomi Smalls was there with long grown out hair. Everybody was looking like a, it was a upside down, the other mother version of themselves. It was really crazy. And then now that I'm not drinking, I'm just keenly aware of everything. And those social scenarios. I know.

I know who's on drugs. I know who's drunk and I know all of it. Yeah. I'm talking about it now. It could be like, um, you're hyper aware that the sensitivity is like sharp. You have to put headphones on. Yeah. And then I just get, I get more into bothering the people who are imbibing my own enjoyment. So like I'm saying extra choice of on and this rapper, uh, is it Mikey, Mikey, Mike, Mikey Angelo. He's a rapper from Tik TOK. Okay. He comes out, he's rapping. He's like 40 pounds soaking wet. The twink of all twinks. Like he comes out and I'm saying extra choice of on. I said, I can't.

I guess you better wrap it up, huh? Because I was like, oh, Troy saw this little 40-pound-year-old boy come out. Troy's like, well, I'm 80. I'm going to walk into the ocean. Goodbye. You know, I think we should have like a – for the aging twinks, I think we should have like a midsummer jump from the thing. And then somebody, you know – who's like an ultimate old – like a – Courtney Act? Yeah. We got Courtney Act. We got that guy from Real Gays of WeHo –

John Gillespie. I don't even know. I don't know anybody's name. All the old twinks are there and they all have like old like hammers.

But instead of the hammer, it's those big red shoes that are coming out. No, they, he just, they fall in that. They put the big red shoes on them. They glue a lace beard and then give them a wig. They're just have long lumberjack lives. Yes. Yeah. She's got long hair and a beard. Willem? Yes. How is that possible? It's, and you know, Willem's hair is naturally like really curly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she flat eyes it? No, no, no, no. I will.

With a giant beard. She has a big, long beard and long, curly hair. And Willem's medicated at all times. So Willem's also super high. And she's screaming, I'm a top. And I was like, what?

It's so crazy. I don't know if I'd be able to. That's crazy. That's too crazy for me. But some of the performers are doing that thing I love where when they're when you're watching a show where people are rapping, they're often rapping over their own voice. Yes. So they can take artistic breaks to dance or do whatever. And they don't have to be faithful to rapping the whole time. Yeah. And the performers do that thing where they walk around and then put the mic down and just.

Sure. Serve contisha. I love shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think lip syncing should be... I don't think anybody should sing live. It's too stressful. Who cares? Yeah, let me... If they show up, that's them. Remember them? They sang that song. Remember them? Yeah, that's her. That's them now. That's her. That's her. That's her. There she is. And there she was. And there she is. And that's her. Just put it together. As long as they're standing up and doing some... Even just walking around or looking amazing, what else do you want? Yeah. Seriously. Seriously.

It was a really fun program though. That's good. I noticed you weren't there. I had no idea what was happening. I was not invited. So what do you have against supporting black queer artists? Everything. White is right. Shut up. Well, I think you should send them some flowers. I think there's some accountability here and there's a way to kind of like parlay this into a learning moment, a teachable moment. If you would let me finish, you would realize I did something even more courageous than that the week prior. I went to Disneyland. What?

With a child. With a four-year-old. So catch that, you hater. All this hateration is being thrown at me. The only thing worse than a child predator is a hater. A child. How was Disney? You'd never been, have you? No, and funny that I had mentioned this plan to half a dozen people who had previously gone to Disney, who failed to mention a very important detail about Disneyland, the no smoking policy.

Oh, no. So what happens if you're at Disney and you want to smoke? You cannot. Where do you go? You cannot. You go back to Los Angeles? You exit the park, exit the parking lot. So you know how Six Flags, for example, will have a little smoking area in the shadows, tucked away so nobody sees you? Which is like, I guess, that's great. There is no such thing at Disneyland at all. Nothing of the sort. Nothing of the sort. And it's an all-day affair from start to finish. Well, can I say as a smoker...

If you can, you do like the patch or the gum. Does that help through the day or no? No, because I'm not on an airplane like the I could I physically can smoke a cigarette in any place where it's not going to it's not going to be an issue. I can't do that in an airplane.

So the, the, you don't want to get thrown off an airplane. No, no, no. But in the air while we're up there, especially don't want to get thrown off in the air. But you know what I mean? I think of like my brain goes, think about the possibilities right now. Smoking is not one of them. Not even close. But smoking at Disneyland, your outdoors is very possible.

Very possible. You know what I mean? So it was a little frustrating. And so I was like, okay, I guess I'm going nine hours without smoking. So that sucked. But, and I was also like, I mean, I wasn't super impressed by the, the, the park. I think probably because there were so many kids. Can I,

Girl. It was so many kids. I want to say two things. I know it's Disneyland. I know it's Disneyland. I want to say that I talked a little about this and you skipped, I think, what are the two best rides. Okay. Which is Indiana Jones. Okay. It's amazing. It's like being in a movie. Is it as a roller coaster? No, you're in a fake Jeep. Okay. There's sound, giant snake, fire. The other thing that you skipped that I think is amazing is the Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah. That ride is really cool. It's very ambient. Like you're in a little boat going through these scenes. Okay.

I'm sad you skipped those two. What was your favorite? Well, so Space Mountain was my favorite, actually. The first one we did, and I cried. Because it felt like I was like, enter the void. It was like very...

Very simple. Very simple. I'm surprised people like it. It is very simple. It's so simple. It's in the dark with little lights. Tunnel through the dark. Yeah, with little tinklies. Little dorm room tinklies. One of the first times I did edibles was at Disney. That's perfect. And I took a little bit of a cookie and it hit on Indiana Jones. Yeah. I would suggest really pulling on the DMT vape and then going to Space Mountain. Can you vape?

Absolutely not. But how are they going to find out? Doesn't vape have no smell? Vape has... Did you go in the bathroom like... But that's... Okay, that's the thing. That's what I want to... I don't like... Smoking is not like heroin. Uh-huh. Where it's like, I just need my fix. It's the thing I want to do. So it's like halfway... It's like, it is like heroin in that sense. You know what I'm saying? Because you want to do it. But the act of doing it is not shameful and I enjoy it. And I'm not... You know what I mean? Like nobody wants to see you like sticking a needle in your toe.

You just need to get the heroin in there. It's not the same thing with smoking. I'm at Disney doing Trimex. I'm on the Finding Nemo ride injecting my cock. I'm at Space Mountain in the dark with a huge bloody boner. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

No, I did not get a boner when I saw the Yeti. Oh, that just gave me a chill. Well, it made Graham, my nephew, who is so cute, and I don't care about kids, but he is the cutest kid ever. And he looks exactly like me when I was four. Put it together. And he's cute? Yeah. And he cried at the Yeti. It was so cute. But I told him, I was like, listen, my friend or my business partner. You didn't want to say friend. Let's not tell stories. My business partner, who's 33.

cried during this too. It's a horrible ride. Yeah. When that ride. No, it's not horrible. It's just at the end where the Yeti comes and it's scary. It's scary. But the beginning when you're going up and they have these effects going. Yeah. It sounds like you're on a, you know, it's cool. And they have this ice walls and you hear. Cool.

and you hear it roar. Yeah. And then I knew from that moment, I said, I hope we never see whatever that is. And also you're in this, like, um, you're not in a, a traditional like rollercoaster, uh, amusement park, right? You're like in a bowl.

Yeah. In this bowl. It's like a fake bobsled. It's a fake bobsled with no, like you don't have really like a, you have nothing to like grip or like, you know what I mean? It's very strange. You're in a bowl. It rattles a lot too. Those old guys rattle a lot. And so then the point of the ride is that a Yeti is chasing you down the mountain. Yeah. So you're going up and then you're going down and the animatronics on those Yetis.

It's fierce. It's red eyes. Yeah. It's huge. The sound effect of it roaring is so loud. It's so loud. And it reaches for you as you go by. I love it. I'm not being funny. I don't be funny. Yeah. I don't be funny. By the way, I got to talk about the UK last week. I won't be funny. Love. That ride is horrifying. You can't, kids can't handle smoking, but they can be chased by Yetis.

Say it again. Thanks, Obama. Thank you so much. Sleepy Joe, do something about it. Get on AOC. Get involved. I got to tell you about this, though. I was flying back from the UK. I got to talk to you about British Airways.

It's horrible. I think that the Brits are doing airlines like they're doing their Wi-Fi, like they're doing the air conditioning. Not at all. Yeah, they're kind of dipping in and out. Very high standards for quality in some ways. And other qualities are like, hmm. The music when you get on is like... Sure. The stuff that doesn't fucking matter. It feels very British. The seats in the business class...

I'm not going to play them out. I have in business class. It's very lovely, but two of the seats are facing forward between the seats is a seat facing backwards. So I am no joke. Okay. So two of the seats are facing forward. You and I, let's say we're both facing this way. And then there's a seat between those two that faces this way. I'm the middle seat.

I'm looking at two people looking at me. And I'm trying to just play Spider-Man. I'm playing Spider-Man for Steam Deck, my video games. Sobbing. The ending was so beautiful, I cried playing Spider-Man. Wait, why is that? Is it a space...

What's the purpose of it? He got bit by a spider. No, no, no. A radioactive spider. So Peter Parker. The seats. Oh, so now once it's up in the air, you can push a button and these clear windows go up. So it's like the- Oh, sure. Which I guess it's good that there's more seats available. I think it probably overall cuts the cost of first class, probably makes it more accessible. But-

These two people looking, at least when you're sitting with three people, you're all looking the same direction. Two people looking right at you. And I sat down last. So these two people are looking at me like, now you're in my bubble. And I'm like, well, here we are. That is so strange. Is that a new thing? I hope it becomes an old thing. So I got to tell you about this kid crying.

It's not, it's not crying. It's not, it's not. It's the banshees at Sheeran. I would have thought that I would look back and Leatherface was back there cutting toes off one by one. This kid off and on, I would say every 45 minutes on this 10 and a half hour flight would wake up and start screaming like murder was happening. Like his mom was being stabbed by Ghostface. How old? Maybe two.

Which I think is old enough to know better. Yeah. British Airways. So screaming, screaming. I mean, I can't even do it, but it's like, it was like, there was so much guttural effort. Yeah, emergency. It wasn't baby crying like I'm hungry or look at me. It was crying like I'm in danger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Emergency. And of course, flight is a little scary. Is it? I mean, I don't know. Is it? I beg to differ. I...

Almost I almost yelled a few times shut up. I wish I was so close to going I was so close and then I thought about doing like Like maybe doing a voice and then disappearing and being like who said that it was the doctor Phil and then I when we finally got up if you would have seen this the way I looked at this baby I Couldn't say it legally. I couldn't do anything legally. I

But I knew what I was allowed to do. When I walked by this baby, the look on my eyes was this. You're the baby, I'm me. And then this other lady's like, well, somebody had quite a ride. I said, let's not try to trivialize. No, yeah, yeah, don't you dare. And I know that there's going to be parents who listen who are like, you don't know what it's like to fly with a baby. You're four months old or whatever. Doesn't need to see the UK. They're not going to remember. No. Get a sitter. I know. Ten and a half hours in the air with a...

What would you do? I think, I mean, sedation dentistry is the thing that happened for dentists. I mean, when... I mean, Trimax. I wouldn't give the baby Trimax. Trimax and the vocal cords. I would give, you know, let's say my baby has a small, you know, strawberry allergy. And maybe I just... Anaphylactic shock. Yeah. You know, and then right when we're about to... Take your seats for landing. I'd be better. Right in the knee. Right in the kneecap.

I'd be a great parent. A little cognac in a binky. But that being said, the more I thought about it, of course, I'm just being reactionary. Yeah. As a parent getting on a plane, 10 and a half hours. No, no matter how my baby never cries. You don't want to do it now. That crying is going to happen. I mean, I don't know what you do. They must feel so bad. Not bad because they're probably like, whatever. It's my baby. Live my life. They probably feel like flying is already stressful enough. And

And you have this, you can't even console a baby because they don't know what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, no, I know. So the baby's like, oh! I mean, nobody wants to be, yeah, they must feel, they feel the worst, I would say. They have to be. No, the parents, yeah. And then the more I thought about it, the more I was like, that parent probably just feels like,

Everybody egg on my face like like I'm sorry. I have to I'm sorry I hate this also and I'm sorry there's nothing I can do about it Yeah, cuz these babies are so young if you're going to international trip I don't think you can really leave the baby This is probably two parents are traveling or it's a single parent situation leave the baby where with the husband or oh, I know

Babies on a plane are tough. You know what I thought about? I'm going to bring a newborn when I travel. One of those, I really want one of those silicone babies. Yes, and then get a really realistic shriek that's like, shh, shh, shh, shh. And then I'm wearing the breastplate.

And they go, oh, somebody's fussy. And then I pull down my cardigan, my Letterman jacket, like my cardigan. And I put my tit with the fake baby. You smothered the baby with the tit. But I'm pressing the baby's face in so hard. It's being like eclipsed. Or maybe I'm not sure on how to breastfeed. So I'm actually motorboating the baby. And I'm like, she's fussy.

I watched a dead little doc on people have those fake babies. It's so interesting. I love it. It's fabulous. You gotta YouTube it. I know. It's so, it's so like, is that mental illness? No, I think it's like, it's like, it's like the next level of having a comfort item. This is my comfort song. This is my comfort TV show. Is it? Yeah.

I mean, that seems a little diabolical to me. I mean, I have fashion dolls. A fashion doll is a far throw from a baby doll. Yeah. Dolls with baby dolls, that's a different world. You're going to the supermarket and you're like, shh. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, speaking of, I got to tell you, I made an extravagant purchase. What? I have been for a long time looking for a specific doll. Okay. How much was it? Like 20 years. Oh, no, no. How much was the...

I don't want to say, but I've been looking for it for a long time. You know, for Barbie collectors, owning a number one Barbie from 1959, first edition. It's a big thing. It's a big thing. It's a big get. When it was created, there was maybe only $350,000 created. Okay.

350,000 it's like a seven-year-old toy. There's not gonna be that many left. They're gonna be broken destroyed sure These are items made for children to destroy. Oh, right So this is a good condition with the packaging flawless condition my friend Bill greening who works at Barbie I said, do you know anybody who is reputable who might have a number one? He goes in for my feelers out months go by I forget about it. My interests change. Yeah, he texts me. Hey, here's her number She has one. It's in great condition. I

She sends me pictures. It's an amazing condition. She sold it to you. I go, can I get one? And I didn't want to say who I was because I didn't, what if she's homophobic or something? I don't know. Oh, right. So then I just, I finagle it. I get it. It's in the mail. I've never had something so expensive be in the mail. I'm terrified. How did you, how did they send it? It was like quick shipping and you had the signature. So David and I are in the hot tub. We go in the hot tub for maybe 15 minutes. We missed the delivery. I go,

Oh, right. Great. So then I have to go to the post office. I get it. It's in my hands. I get in the car. I start screaming because it hits me. It's in here. It's mine. It's probably real. So I'm screaming. I'm going like this.

Screaming and David's like okay, and we're driving home. I hope you open in the car and I have to verify whether that's real Yeah, how do you do that video? Okay. Okay. There's a few ways you verify it's real There's little differences in the eye makeup differences in the quality of the plastic those markings on the feet There's a few ways to identify a real number one everything checks out and I'm just stunned and I've never felt so happy in my life I

That is fascinating. So if you could, you could probably resell this, right? And it would still... I think I'm going to put it in a safety deposit box at the bank. Are you serious? Because if it stays cold and dry, it will stay nicest the longest. So what's the point of having it? Just you just... I don't know. No, really. Like what...

Don't know why you have it, but I always wanted a good one because it's gonna appreciate in value Okay, it came out in it. Look at it. You just look at it. Yeah, when it first was sold It was two dollars and fifty cents in 1959. Some of those have sold on auction for $25,000. Oh, so it appreciates in value. Oh

I'm curious about like the, you don't do anything with it. You certainly don't take it out of the package. Well, it's in the box, but dolls back then weren't like vacuum packed. They came like, here's the box. Here's the thing in it. You know, it's not like now where dolls are wrapped in plastic. You don't play with it. No, you hide it in the dark, dry and cool with silica gel and air, like a humidor, like an old cigar. Like an old cigar.

But that you never smoke. I think what I'm going to do is get a reproduction of it, like a newer one that looks like it, put it on display. And then when people ask, is this the original? I'm going to say.

No, it's like in the Louvre where they're like, it's not the real Mona Lisa. It's not the real Mona Lisa. Right. That's fascinating to me. I'm trying to think of something like an object that I would get so excited over that I would never like. But I never splurge on a pointless item. So it was a big deal. I wouldn't call it pointless. I mean, certainly that reaction is something. It felt very joyous. It felt like.

It feels like meeting a celebrity. That's what it felt like when I unboxed it. It was like, okay. It was, oh, it was Jurassic Park in the beginning. Cover it up when the helicopters come and they're the bones. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Would you ever buy, what would be an item that's like non-essential collectible relic? I don't know. Well, I was thinking about the, that the receipt waiting for something in the mail. I, I, when I was 95, maybe 1995, when a VHS copy of a Cirque du Soleil show came in the mail and I blacked out.

No, seriously. Like I blacked out. And I remember I couldn't contain the excitement. And from the table to the packages on the table and then getting to- From the windows to the walls? Yes. From the table to the VCR, I went black. Because I couldn't, and I didn't make a sound. I was like- Uh-huh. How many times did you watch that movie?

The tape? Are you kidding? I mean, until they wore out. Wow. Like once a day for a while? Oh, yeah, absolutely. And I did that same thing when I ordered on eBay. Because I missed the 2000 Olympics because I was being goth. And then they...

No, it's true. How time consuming is that? Is that a rule with Gotham? No, no. You cannot go to the Olympics. No, it was just like incompatible. It just didn't, they didn't cross. There was no Venn diagram overlap. But I wore out those two tapes of the women, the whole women's competition in gymnastics, wore them out, watched them every morning, every morning in college. Do you remember when you went to see Cirque du Soleil and you realized it wasn't going to happen for you? No, but they,

Remember when you went to Cirque du Soleil at 40 and you said, oh, I don't think they are going to draft me as a young gymnast after all because I have zero training. I'm not the right gender. I'm not the right age. Yeah. Huge liability. Well, I mean, I don't –

It's so crazy getting hyped up for something. Now I just try to live in the moment. Slow down. Slow down. Get excited, but use your words. Yeah. And also don't like just, I don't ever have expectations anymore because I cried coming home from that show. You know what? People will say things like a concert, a collectible, things that don't necessarily like

It's not worth it. If it makes you feel, it is worth it. It is worth it. Absolutely. What it's worth, the value to you could be, I mean, I wouldn't go see most popular artists in concert because I wouldn't stand up for that long. David Silver went to see Adele in Vegas and he was like, it was the best thing I've ever seen. It was so worth it. Seated.

Theatrical, gorgeous, lovely. When I saw the B-52s, when they came out, what I felt when they came out and Private Idaho started, even one song was worth it. Totally. Granted, I got the tickets for free. There you go. So it was extra worth it. See, I spent about $2,000 flying everybody to go see Lubbida. You should wear a yellow suit.

Wait, I want to continue to talk to you about children. Yeah, what else? I was very scared about having my nephew come visit because I don't... Did he sleep in your house? No, no, no. In a hotel right down the street. My brother rented a big, huge car. And it was actually like, this motherfucker has so much energy. You don't know about it. The car? No. Horsepower? Yeah. This car? Yeah.

I'll tell you, I hit my nephew. He flew. He is going to be an only child. They're not having any more kids. And he's very... You said that like, we're going to kill the other one. He's going to be an only child. We're thinking of doing the electric chair around January. But he was like, he would just run. I think my brother told me he was like, one day they took him out to a hill. He said, go run up that hill. They did like 50 times. Indefatigable is the word. Indefatigable. Indefatigable.

Well, maybe he's going to love exercise like you do. Well, I was going to say like you got to get him into a sport ASAP because then he's going to win a gold medal at something. He's going to win a gold medal at something. I don't think children like running, but maybe like... This one certainly does. No, like track and field. There's not like five-year-olds doing track and field. What a bummer. But maybe like...

What is it? Ninja class now. T-ball. What? What the hell is that? Young kids like that play T-ball. What's ninja class? What's T-ball? T-balled? That's the T-ball. What?

What's ninja class? What's t-ball? Okay, t-ball is like baseball for kids where no one's throwing the ball. They put the ball on a thing and you hit the ball. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like you eliminate a child trying to pitch. Oh, that makes sense. That makes sense. And then ninja class is like self-explanatory. Is it karate? They're running around being ninjas. What do they do? Is it like intro to karate? I have no idea. But it's probably just running around and hitting stuff. I bet it's like...

You bet it's assassinating political heads of state. Yeah, I bet you right now he's tracking Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Blow darts and stars. I bet it's like they wear like a little ninja outfit and it's like martial arts, but it's more for kids. Like get on the ground and crawl across the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then cartwheels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's running around. Do you want a kid now? No, there was not one. I mean, I love this kid. He could not be cuter. He could not be funnier. He told me, he started calling me Candini for out of nowhere and said I was going to jail for having a teeny weenie. So when did you get naked in front of your nephew? I did not get naked in front of him.

It was like, he has this wild imagination that often involves poop and pee. He's a big fan of poop. I think that's normal for kids. Yeah, absolutely. And adults. Kids love like the poop emoji. Yeah, he just loves poop. I said, what do you want on your pizza? He's like, poop.

You know, things like that. I love it. It was great. You know, he's going to get old enough that he can come visit you. Was your family impressed by your beautiful home? Yeah. My brother couldn't get enough of the outdoor situation, which is what sadly was not fully done. And it still is not fully done. Let me tell you something about being 40 years old in, um, up in the Hills. Do you know what the number one thing that catches my eye and holds my attention is the fucking sunset. Why are people always talking about the moon?

People are always talking about the moon. Girl, fuck her. It's the sun. The sunset. Are you like Bird Box when you're watching it? Like your pupils turn black and you're like, uh-huh. I mean, it's only 20 minutes long, 20, 30 minutes. It is incredible. It's like these colors. Did you give them a tour of the property? Did you feel like Sarah Paulson in Architectural Digest? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry about my tiny home, my tiny house. It's so small here. It's beautiful. It's so beautiful. You got to come over.

I know you saw it, but that was like halfway done. No, no, no. My dream is that you finish the backyard. Yeah. And then we go up to that second tier and we do a podcast from under the pergola. So that's a great idea. You know, the third tier, which wasn't even started when you got there, is done. And it's so spacious. The workout area? Yeah. But I want it. So I talked to the contractor about putting in a tumble track. Yeah. And how dangerous that would be. I know, but it's like, it's the perfect length.

And you sink it into the floor. You create like a six foot ditch. And then you just, I think you better dig a six foot ditch bitch. Cause you're going to snap that neck and we're going to have to have a service. Like you want to die? You think forties that you had to start trampolining? You live on a cliff. You live on a cliff. Go out big though. You know what I mean?

What about rings? Get some rings. Those are pretty safe. Those are stationary. I want to tumble. I want to fly. You know. But it was, the sunsets, I'll settle for the sunset. But men have a higher center of gravity. It's much more dangerous. No, I'm not like doing like double somersaults. I'm just doing back handsprings and layouts and that's it. Just boopity boppity.

It's okay. I've gone to the full... You're the Jonathan Van Ness of the drag world. Oh, it's very level one. Yeah. It's very level one. And with a crash pad and a fence, it'd be fine, but it'd probably be too expensive and nobody else could use it. That's the thing. Do you know what I mean? I could never be like, yeah, go up to the top floor and use the trampoline unsupervised. People would die. Not me. Your little tweaker friends? Anybody. Anybody. Everybody would die. Mid-Ariel, inject some Trimax and come down on the neck.

Dead body hard dick. Dead body hard dick. Can dead bodies get boners? No, right? Well, rigor moris. You know, when I'm gone, I take the Matthew Camp doll and I put it in the chair and I face it away from the door with a blanket over it so that if someone breaks in, they think someone's here. It's my like, when you have a home alone. Yeah. When you have a mannequin so you can take the carpool lane.

Cause I don't always trust my ring alarm. Oh my God. David's sister's visiting us. And just yesterday she's waiting outside our gate to like get in. And some bitch out there at some lady is screaming. Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you, bitch. And Allie's like laughing. And I was like, isn't this neighborhood fun?

This neighborhood is really fun. Colorful characters. My God. I love that. And then Brandon was outside my house waiting for me. Brandon's outside my house in the car. And this lady, this woman, is parked in her car. And she yells to Brandon, don't worry. The cops know me. They know I'm cool. Brandon goes, okay. And then she goes, I'm not going to show you my dick. Brandon goes, holy shit. Yeah. Damn. Well, if you're going to live in Hollywood, you just have to have a sense of humor, roll with the punches, and just know that anything's possible. Anything's possible in everything is probably...

The human shit? I know. The number of times I have, by the grace of God. You must feel like a veterinary pathologist in a way. Like you're just like, you're diagnosing like illnesses through. Well, I'm taking a sample, you know, but I've been, I've been,

uh on track to step in the poop on projected track the spirit of like tom daly gus kensworth um caitlin jenner every queer athlete gets inside me and buoys me that extra six inches and i just clear the shit and i'm like oh this episode is about clearing the shit but you know what though like if if it's standard to pick up dog shit

I don't think there's an established etiquette around picking up your own human turd off of the sidewalk. Because I assume these are dog walkers. Or like, if it's good enough for the goose. I thought they were talking about human shit. No, this is human shit. Yeah. Oh, it's a dog walker. It's a dog walker who's like picking up their shit and they're like, might as well.

Take one leave one because if you're gonna shit somewhere where you don't want to get in trouble You might as well do it with Boulevard. That's true. There's no way we don't we can't get NCIS down here to test poop to find out who did what right? You know, just try not to poop on anyone star Please don't please don't poop on barbra. Strider's take two steps left of Charlie Chaplin and then take a shit damn anyway Well, well love that. Why do we always talk about shit? I don't know

Stay tuned for the next episode about more shit. Yes. And I can't wait for your backyard to get done because we have to do a backyard fantasy episode. You got to take a shit in that, like, um, in the backyard and I'll pick it up with my bare hands. Oh yeah. That's, have you thought about getting a litter box? Yeah.

Today's episode is brought to you by pretty letter when you have a backyard where you're bald and you're 40 and you can't put in a trampoline that you could die you get a kitty litter box Maybe you can't do flips, but you sure can squat and take a hot turd right in the backyard. I've ever been air There was this, you know violets cat Eugene. Yes. Yeah, I remember there was this fierce ad violet did like a pretty litter ad and you know Only violet could make litter look hot

Hot. Glamorous. Yeah. So there's a cat, there's litter. Violet is in a corset, like butthole out, bent over, hair flipped over. Yeah. And the caption's like, did you know that pretty litter turns colors to let you know the health status of your cat? I was like, only Violet has the potential to make this hot. Cat worms hot. Sexy and hot. Yeah.

Anyway. Well, okay. Bye. Goodbye.