Ep 109: Fossa Dick Energy
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Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide 5G network with coverage across 99% of America. Seriously. The Boost Mobile network includes roaming coverage from partner networks which cover 99% of the U.S. population. Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we talk about what's obviously most critically, crucially important. Today on This is Important...

I'm looking at a goat's dick right now and it is small. Officer, if it was a fruit by the foot closer, I could have died. It was just too much of a fuckfest. And you know me, the prude. And here we go. Three, two, one. You know when we were doing the, we have to do a three, two, one and then clap. Yes, yes. We harmonize and we harmonize with three, two, one.

And that reminded me of that song. There we go. There we go. Isn't it? There she goes. Yeah. Is it? I think it's she. Oh, I don't know. We're back. The dumbest podcast is here. And is that, that was your favorite decade that that song came out? Yeah. Sure. Sure. I think if not, it wasn't not 2000 year 2000. I,

I have no idea. What song even is that? Is that like Evanescence? Who the fuck is that? No, it's a dude. That's definitely not Evanescence. There she goes again. I feel like it's the same guys who sing like, Stacy's mom has got it. No, it's definitely not. Oh, Fountains of Wayne? Sixpence. Sixpence. Six none the richer. Goodbye. Sixpence none the richer. Wow, of course. Oh, wow.

Nice. Oh, it's like a, it's a remake or not a remix, but it's a cover of probably like an old sixties song. Yeah. I don't, maybe how, like when the lemon heads did, uh, whatever the fuck that, uh, yeah, we're starting off hot and I'm loving it. Is that lemon heads? That's not lemon heads. That's, that's the fucking Dawson's Creek. To me,

Yeah, that's the woman who does the dog commercials when they're like... That's like... Was it... McLaughlin? No, that's Sophie B. Hawkins, right? Natalie Merchant? Sophie B. Hawkins. No, Sophie B. Hawkins does... She's good. She's got one head that I really like. Sophie B. Hawkins. Didn't she do like the Dawson's Creek shit? I thought she did. No, she did... Oh, fuck. I don't know what the Dawson's Creek... What was the Dawson's Creek? Paula Cole. Paula Cole. Paula Cole.

Paula Cole. And she also, wasn't she the one who was like kind of exposed Monica Lewinsky, like had the tapes? What? Hey, how was your guys week? How was your guys week? Hey, dude, we're shooting. We're fucking on fire. We're coming on fire. Wait, no, no, no. Wait, who did you think Paula Cole is? She had the tapes for Monica. What does that even mean? Are you talking about...

Oops. Winning. Paula. No, no, no. Paula Cole, the singer, had the tapes. No, no, no. He's thinking about the woman. What is her name? Linda Tripp. Linda Tripp. Linda Tripp. That's right. Sorry, I don't know why I thought her name was Paula. Can we just talk about how fried our brains are? Well, also a different last name. Different everything. Different everything. Not music. Not the name. The 90s.

Dude, if you guys want to, we can try to figure out how I got there, but I think it might take a while. Yo. I think it might take a while. Do you guys remember that show? I Love the 80s? Do you remember when I Love the 80s came out? Um, on VH1? Uh,

Yeah, it was like a VH1 week long. Every year was a night or something like that. I would love to get Blake on I Love the 90s for him to be like, and then of course the Clinton scandal with Paula Cole.

Just misinformation. It was all like stand-ups regurgitating like facts about the 90s and then stand-up bit. Oh, that was my first ever bit in 2004 or 5 or something. Is it your first gig? I did my first ever gig. It wasn't I Love the 80s, but it was one of those...

50 cutest childhood stars all grown up. Right, right. Those shows killed it. Whoever was producing those for sure has some horses. Yeah, they made a quadillion dollars because I think I made $200 and was so stoked. But then it ran. It ran for like eight years or something. Like we were doing...

when it was still on E, like late at night. People still knew you for that. And people were like, oh, shit. When you acted like Macaulay Culkin and went, oh. Dude, Mike McCoy's on another show with a different name. Damn, man. Yeah, that's crazy. What was the big one on VH1, though? Hey, that's crazy. I don't know, man. It was a long day for me, man.

What was the VH1 show that was like the biggest one on VH1? Like, change the game. True Hollywood Story? Or Behind the Music? No, it was Pop-Up Video. Yes, Pop-Up Video, dude. I feel like Behind the Music had a good run. Behind the Music was actually good. Okay, okay. But Pop-Up Video was off the chain. It was fucking great. Pop-Up Video was like, kind of like similar to, similar to what those shows were, where it was like just some joke writers just, or they were spitting facts. No, that was all facts. Ah.

So what pop-up video was for anybody? It was like Rick Astley was blah, blah, blah. Yeah, they would play like old VH1 style. Yeah, there's some young people that have truly never seen a music video. They are currently listening right now and saying, what did you think about that podcast? Their friend is asking them and they say, hey, today.

today hey let's go to chick-fil-a they came out talking about paula cole blake's dumb ass fucking went a to fucking planet mars and then they started talking about bh1 which isn't a channel at all paula cole and you were thinking of linda trip couldn't be a more different person i don't know how i got there i can tell you how you got there dude it's the 90s and you were six

That's true. You know what I mean? You were just a little kid. You had no idea. You were 8, 9, 10 years old. You don't know who the fuck Linda Tripp is. I still don't. What did she do? She found, like, the jizz dress? What is the story? I just remember John Goodman played her on SNL is all I remember about her. Yes, I definitely remember that. He did a great job at it. But basically, I think... I found it offensive. Go ahead. I don't know who she was. Okay. Okay.

Okay. I don't know who she was in the administration or what she was in Monica Lewinsky's life, but I think Monica called her and was telling her, not knowing that she was recording what she was saying, and she was prying. So what was it? And they used it as evidence. Is this a quote from something? Wait, Blake. Linda Tripp is a man, baby. Didn't they do that? They're like, Linda Tripp is a man, baby. That's right.

That's like my reference. She should sue. I don't know. I don't know that. But the fact that Blake just pulled this fact from his knowledge makes me question the whole thing. Right, right. I feel like you must have gotten four things in that little explanation wrong. This is what I think I'm pulling from the John Goodman, Linda Tripp, SNL sketch. And it was always about him having feedback. Your favorite sketch. Go ahead. I hate it.

like recording her while he's talking like, Oh God, uh, what else happened? But like, uh, that's, he made his voice deeper to play her.

Wow! Very shagadonic. What does Linda Tripp look like? She's cool. You're gonna like what you see. She's got a vibe. I don't even know if she was in the administration. I don't know that she was either. I think she might have been. No, that's clear. That's clear. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, let me know. I love it. Allegedly. Oh, God. I mean, guys, what? Oh, my God.

She's got a bod. She has a cool haircut. What are we talking about? Doesn't she have bangs? She's definitely got bangs. She bangs. Great Ricky Martin song. She looks like one of your friend's moms who you were always a little scared of.

That's what she looks like. Right. Yes. You know what I mean? Like, she doesn't look, she doesn't have a welcoming face. She looks like she could turn on a dime. Like, when she got mad, she got really fucking mad. She made bad snacks. Well, it would be, like, too heavy with something. It'd be like, here, it's covered in mayonnaise or something. You're like, there's too much. Right, yes. Too much mayonnaise. A little mayonnaise would have been fine. I'm okay, Mrs. Tripp.

Thanks, Mrs. Tripp. Did you ever have the friends whose parents would get like...

too angry in front of company like where they would like snap on their kids in front of you yeah I've seen horrible shit I'm not gonna name names but I've seen horrible shit don't name names but at least give us their home phone number so we could call them but like remember you'd be like you'd be like playing Nintendo and then like and then like from the other room it'd be like

Brian? God damn it. Oh, no. It would always be all three names. All three names. Brian Evan Johnson. Brian Austin Green. Brian Austin Green. God damn it, Brian Austin Green. Do you love him? Linda Eben Trip. Eben? What the fuck? No. His name is Eben. No. Anyways. Anyways.

Oh my God. All you had to do was name somebody with three names. That's it. Any other name but Ebbin. And I said Ebbin. John C. Reilly. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Ebbin. You know, like the tide. Ebbin Float.

What's Eb and Flo, not Eben? Well, we named our daughter after the Eb and Flo. And we came up with Eben. No doubt. We're really outdoors. We're outdoorsy, folks. Ders, but what did you see or hear from the two of you?

Yeah, what did you see and what were their names in the address? In their address. I saw, A, like, just kids getting their asses kicked. Not, like, punched. Allegedly. But just, like, handled. And then, like, language that you're, like...

You little cocksucker. That's how you talk to your kid? Yeah. And they'd be like, you have to go home. And you're like... Yeah, dude. That was when shit got real was when the parents were like... Somebody got murdered. You have to go home. Blake, you have to go home. Oh, my parents would kick my friends out all the time. Really? They'd come home and be like, I noticed the dishwasher's unloaded. John, you're leaving. Go home. What? That's a boss move. My mom would never do that. Constantly. Would never kick your friend out? No, be like...

Kyle, you have to leave. No, no. It'd be like, she'd deal with it after. Yeah. I feel like my mom also, I think our moms are very similar. I don't think our moms ever got that mad. My mom would just be like, ah, fuck it. Yeah. My,

Yeah, mine too. I don't ever remember my mom. Our moms are very similar. They're very sweet to like a fault. Yeah, ever getting that mad. And then the couple times she would, and I think I might have talked about this before, but what's new? I remember my dad, she would like make sure like she wasn't a good disciplinarian. So then she'd have my dad try to discipline me when he would come home. Yeah. And you could tell he didn't want to do it. And it was like- What's it called when both your parents are disciplinary?

I remember my dad would change his voice. He would have his normal voice and the way he talks. And then it'd be like, you would hear him. I'm listed at the top of the stairs and you hear my mom having this conversation. And then he would like drop his voice and go. Yeah.

"Adam, get down here." And I'm like, this is fake. You're faking this. - Are you doing the Wizard of Oz? You're doing like a fake voice right now too. - Right. - It does scare me. It's not working. - Are you standing behind this curtain, like making the wheels like this and doing the switch up and down? - That's just snapping into the dad voice. How come dads get all this stuff? Dad strength, the dad voice. Like they got every, what's the mom thing? - 'Cause they have nothing else. Mom gets mom strength. - Moms are moms.

Because the kids actually love their moms. Yeah. And the dads are just the guy that lives there with mom. Everything in society has been created out of men's insecurity of not being loved by their children. It's like... Bro, that's true. All right, well... That shit's important. Moms have the baby. The baby feeds off of them. The baby goes to them. The kids love them. She's soft. And the dads just stand there. Dads are like, what the fuck am I doing here?

You're just there to live shit every once in a while and reach some shit. I'm going to go create something called the stock market and fuck around with my homies all day. And you'll love me then. You'll love me then. Right. Watch how much I can lift. That's something. Yeah. It's called the Olympics. There's all sorts of naked guys running around, and someday there's going to be, you can ski and shoot a gun, and that's a thing.

Fine. Women can do it now too. Fine. God damn it. We had this one thing. I got one announcement, guys. Chicks are here now. But wait, I thought they were like, you know, they had baby. Nope. Nope. Nope. It's going to be softball. It's not going to be baseball. I'll give you that much. They're not playing with us.

Wait, don't they understand we're super sad and created all this stuff because what the fuck else are we going to do? I don't know if they know or care, but they're into it. And it's called softball. Look out. Okie dokie. So, yeah, this is inspiring me. I'm excited to have kids. It's fun. Yeah, man. Oh, man. So your parents were all soft. My parents were pretty strict and pretty hard. But I know the moments when my kids were acting up. I feel...

I get the spider sense where I'm like, this is where I would spank them. This is the moment. This is it. Wow, dude. In my mind, I just go, well, you got to hit them now.

And I don't. But there's like a ghost vision that happens where I go, you would have done that. They're like, uh-oh, dad's going to go hit them. You just catch yourself taking your belt off and you're like, no. I look down and I go, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You're just holding a belt? I do this. When the moment passes, I just go like this.

And they know. They know. I just went to a place where I'm like, this is when I would light a match off your face. That's scary. I'd throw a lit match at you. Do you have like a voice that you snap in? Because I think I'm not, I think I'll have the same effect on my kids that my dad had on me where I was never that scared of him. Like if he, he couldn't do a voice and scare me. When my dad would get really, really quiet, that's when I was scared of my dad.

This is important. Now listen up, because this is important. This is important. That shit's important. Yeah, I have a voice when there's danger, right? Like if they're swinging around something super sharp, I hit them with the fucking full-throated, hey, cut it out! Like, stop! Sure. But when I'm pissed or disappointed, I

I bring it down and I'm just like, yeah, that's the one that cuts deep. What are you doing? That's the psychological warfare. What are you doing? And I make them kind of stop and think about what's happening while pulling out toenails. Thank you. Hey, what are you doing? Crunch. That's what I really wanted to get to. I mean, you just got to think about who you want to be when you grow up. Crunch. Crunch.

I guess it depends. Like, I feel like we have good kids, so they have, like, good, like, you know, they feel bad when they do bad things. But if we had, like, bad kids, ooh, what? Then you got to reach down into some shit, man. Well, your kids are probably bad because you made them that, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Nature versus nurture. For the most part. Oh, we're back. We're back. Trunks make me cool. Well, also, like, you never know, like, if they go to school and there's, like, this kid who is constantly wanting to cut up little animals. Yeah. But he's your friend's best. He's your kid's best friend. And he's fun. He's slamming beers. He's hella funny. He's always, like, just pounding Mountain Dews. And you're like, this kid seems fun. Hey, you want to drink some brewskis? Yeah. Yeah.

Let's just bleed out this squirrel real quick. Oh, my God.

Let's see what happens when we cut the cat's tail off. You're like, I don't think that's a good idea. Did you guys ever have any friends like that that was into shit like that? I was thinking about this recently. We watched Dahmer. Yeah, I grew up with a bunch of pussies who couldn't hang with that. None of my friends could fucking hang. No, I mean, I never had a friend that was into, like, torturing small animals, but I

I feel like a lot of my friends were shooting birds with BB guns and shit. Like, we always... We carried... We were little... We had a little fucking military on our street. A little militia. We always were packed. Friendship.

Right.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. I carried a BB gun pistol in my waistband. It's like that? And walked around a lot of times with a pellet gun with a scope on it. Goddamn. And just walked around my neighborhood with it. And everybody was cool with that. Yeah, everybody was fucking fine. That's the 90s, man. It was all new. Dude, the 90s, man.

It was before they made them look fake. They didn't have the orange dot. Right, they were fully black, not even an orange. The realer looking, the better. You were like, yes. I remember you'd scrape it off if it had it. Yes, I remember sharpening, specifically sharpening it away as a kid. Sharpening knives, writing a kill list for sure. Writing a kill list.

Yeah, but I don't think any of us were into... In fact, the couple times we actually did shoot something, it was a real bummer. Then we were like, oh, fuck. It would haunt you? Yeah, we're like, oh, no. I remember somebody threw... We were playing basketball across the street from my house, and...

And on like a at a school on court and like squirrels kept running. They would like dart through the court. And we would stop the game to just like throw the basketball at the squirrel as like part of the game. Yeah. And then somebody showed up and they had a basketball like waiting for like the next game. And then they like threw a basketball at me because I threw a basketball at a squirrel. And they're like, don't fucking do that. And I was like, oh, all right. Street justice. Yeah.

You're like, all right, I won't. These guys, like, love squirrels? Just like, he was like, hey, you're fucking throwing a basketball at squirrels? What do you do? Why? Was that the same kid that was at the house where the parents were, like, angry? Was he, like, stopped picking on the little guy because he saw himself? No, pretty normal kid. Probably actually really good parents. Well, yeah, really good parents taught him not to throw a basketball. He's on a podcast right now being like, yes, the craziest kid in my neighborhood used to throw basketballs at squirrels.

Dude, I mean, I had like a war with the squirrels in my neighborhood. Thank you. I'm still convinced. Thank you. I am fully involved. Fuck them. They're rodents. We would have been on the same team because absolutely fuck the squirrels. Hey, forget that guy. Come with me. I know you like basketball. I love. This shoots little tiny basketballs. You're not that guy, pal. Trust me. It's just.

It's a little metal basketball. Yeah, so it's just like what you do. And you can throw it by pulling this trigger. Right in the brain. No, I remember one time specifically, I might have told this story, but I threw a walnut and it hit a squirrel. And it was like, thank you. It hit the squirrel. It like pegged him. And the squirrel was like climbing up a tree away from me. I throw it at it. It hits. It turns. It looks at me. And it climbs down the tree and runs after me.

And it chases me for well over a block. Girls are brave. Yeah, it fucking like was trying to murder me, dude. Right. Chased me down an alleyway. I had to hop two fences in order to get back to safety. Dude. Which was my parents' backyard. Dude, that's like that fucking... Did you ever see that video of that guy who like encountered like a mountain lion? And it just... The bobcat? It just kept walking. Like your whole thing is never turn your back on... Oh, is this a new video? Yeah.

Where the guy shoots at it? Two years old, I think. No, he had no weapons. No, and he was walking backwards the whole time. Yeah, because the whole thing is like never turn your back on a wild cat. Yeah, on big cats. Right, right.

But that mountain lion just kept following him for so long, dude. So long. Like, kept walking. Like, I don't know. You said a squirrel got two blocks? You know what you do? You stick your arm all the way down its throat. Yes. And you grab on the uvula. Who taught you that? Smart. That's what you do. Who taught you that? Very shagadilly. It truly chased me for like a block and a half. So I get Dursborne and throw this fucking basketball at this. Thank you. Did you see the bear?

No, you saw it because Blake sent in our group chat the bear that attacked the mountain climber. Dude, insane. That shit was so nar-nar-bing. Yeah, it was like GoPro footage or something, but it kind of looked like a smaller bear, but still could fuck you up. Dude, a small bear, but like 230 pounds maybe. Yeah. Right, with bear strength. Yeah, you know, like a big ass...

That's like a... If a 230-pound man... That's a big man. ...whose whole muscle is swinging on you, yeah, you're fucked. Mm-hmm.

who's on like a fish only diet who's on a fish only diet who has like crazy long claws yeah has five knives in each hand who's like basically all muscle and he's starving he's well rested he hibernates and just saves strength just to attack and do shit like this yeah a man like that yeah he's unmanicured like a lot of hair like a

And if this man is able to sort of sprint up and down mountain sides while you're here as just a man who isn't able to do that, just hanging onto the side, you'd be fucked, dude. You would. But this guy wasn't. He survived the attack. He, like, kicked it in the fucking head and shit. Right. Well, didn't he?

I couldn't tell. I thought he just kind of was like, get out of here, get out of here. No. Much like I had to do in Vancouver. No, he did. You're not watching the movie. And then it, like, shoots off the hill, and he, like, it comes back up, and he kicks it, right? Oh, no, he didn't shoot off the hill. He kicked it off the hill. No, it starts. No, it's. No, no, no. It overshoots him and falls down. It overshoots him. Oh. He, like, kind of moves out of the way, and it, like, you see his mouth, like, pass. His mouth goes like, ah.

And missed him by just a fruit by the foot. And he falls down the mess. That's Adam's unit of measurement. Bro.

I swear to God. Officer, if it was a fruit by the foot closer, I could have died. I swear to God, he was about three fruit by the foots away. Okay. All right. And two gushers. He was five shark bites. He was five shark bites away from me. I almost had five shark bites in me, but he was a fruit by the foot away. And if he had gotten me, I would have been gushing or gushing blood. I definitely would have been gushered. Yeah. By some teddy bears.

Ooh, Teddy Grahams. Teddy Grahams, thank you. So he starts to run back up the mountain and then he punches him at first, which was the bad plan. Yeah, right? Because he hits it once and then swings again and just hits the rock twice with his hand. I'm like, that's probably the worst injury this fucking guy got, was just breaking his hand on the side of the cliff. No. And then it comes up two more times and he kicks him in the head.

And then he gets to safety. Yeah, and then he's like, oh. After it overshoots, you're saying he punches down twice? Yes. And then it starts to get good to him, and he's like, scream. Oh, yeah, no. He's past dad octave and into survival octave, where he's just like, scream.

Dude, that's... That would be me. It wasn't like... It didn't even... I mean, maybe I'm wrong upon the rewatch, but from what I can remember, it was... It didn't even sound like a human. It didn't sound like, like, ew, oh no. Yeah. It was like... Slow, slow animal mode, yeah. Yeah, you're like...

Yeah, dude. The last thing you're thinking is like, oh, I'm going to sound really dumb on this GoPro. Footage is unusable. Yeah, you got to do cool shit like, not today, bitch. Yeah. Not today. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Yeah. Uh-uh.

Homie, don't play this. Fucking suck this. And you've never said those things in your life? Yeah. No, that's actually worse. They're like, did you see the video? And then Adam's like, uh-uh. Uh-uh. Like, what are you doing? He went all in living color 1990s slogans. What are you doing? Nah, nah, nah. It ain't like that, see? What are you even doing? People are like, huh?

If he did say G-Unit... He kept saying, 300,000! He just went No Limit Soldier. Make him say, uh...

Sorry, dude. When a bear attacks, you never know. You never know. I mean, that is a really good point. If you are getting attacked by an animal and you are currently GoProing, you have to do cool stuff. At least try to sound cool. So even if you die...

At least the footage will live on forever. You'll go viral. You'll go viral finally. You want this dick? You want this dick there? So everyone's like, we don't know what happened before this footage started filming. It goes to scratch you and you're like, oh, it just got the tip of my 12 inch dick. Oh, shoot. Oh, shoot. Oh, God. It clocks your ankle like your shin area. And you're like, oh.

Oh, the base of my dick. Oh, my dick. Do you think... Right where my dick ends. Do you think you can make a bear laugh? Like how in King Kong, she starts juggling and falling or whatever, and then King Kong starts laughing? Do you think you can start doing physical stuff and the bear's like... Yeah, you're eating little bugs off yourself or something, and the bear's like... Right, right. You start shaking your nipples, and the bear's like...

Okay, well, what's going on here? I would try that at the zoo before you try that in the wild during an attack. Hey, that's the difference between us. It doesn't end at the penis. You can start at the bear's penis. Hey, what's a bear's dick look like?

Great question. It's so good. I feel like probably like a spike. So good looking. Isn't there a museum of dicks in Hollywood or something where they have like all the dicks in a jar? Hollywood. I think that's something only you were invited to. Hey, Holly weird. Am I right? You guys didn't get that invite? Land of fruits and nuts. Like my dad and uncle said when I moved there.

Maybe at Ripley's, believe it or not. I don't know. A museum of dicks? No, there's a place where they have all the penises of every animal. What? And they're in jars. That's Michael Douglas' house. Oh, shit. Back at him. I don't even remember what we talked about last week. Wow, dude. No, I take it back. I'm looking at bears' penises right now. Yeah, they're weird. Not that cool looking. Yeah, they're like coiled or something. No. Is there another animal that has a better dick than humans? Yes.

Yes. Yeah, I think animals, as far as dicks go, we've got... Well, horses have fucking the coolest cocks. Those things are so cool. Do they? I don't know. I don't like how they kind of have their own mind. They really wag. Okie dokie. Yeah, they do. You are kind of right. They're like...

It's sort of like a tongue. It's almost like their dicks are sort of like tongues. Like a tentacle. Bro, horses can't... Hey, horses can't fuck, bro. Yeah, yeah. All mammals can. They got big ass dicks and they...

No, man. But they got the length and they got the motion of the ocean. Like, their dick can, like, got a mind of its own, dude. Well, no, I see what you're saying. Thank you. I mean, it's cool, but it is weird. It's cool and weird. I agree with both of you. It's a bigger... It just... It's like an anteater. Like, it sniffs around. Like, it's got its own kind of, like... I'll take that. I'd take that. Well, see, what's wrong with bear dicks, because I'm currently looking at bear dicks... Yeah, what are they? They don't... They're not proportionate. At least horses...

Horses' dicks are almost too big. They're almost too big. Bears' penises, it looks like, buddy, you're 800 pounds and you're packing that? That's not...

Yeah, but you know what? It only has to be as long as the bear's vagina is for reproduction, right? So maybe the bear vagina is very small. Oh, bears have the most shallow vaginas of any animal in the animal kingdom? Is that what you're saying? You're blaming the female bear for the male. Bear fucker. For the bear's dick size. Favorite moment in whatever the fucking, what's that movie? Super Troopers? Bear fucker. He's like, fucking the bear.

Um, do you know, just offhand, do you know the animal that has the biggest dick proportionately to their body? Because a horse has a pretty big dick. I know who's the biggest nuts. I think it's a rat. Or it's a rat, right? Proportionate to their body. Would it have to be like an elephant? Does an elephant have like an extra trunk? No, I thought it's a rat. No? A rat? The size of rats nuts? Do we need to repeat the question? No.

I mean, I guess so. Relative to its size, he's saying. Yes, like the size of the animal, but like the dick is so much. Yeah, a rat's penis is bigger than an elephant. It's crazy. No, but I don't know. You want to know? I thought you were asking because you had the facts. I thought you were looking it up. No, I know it. No, I know it. I know it. Don't say you.

It's me, bro! It's me. What is it, then? It's a barnacle. Well, it's a barnacle, dude. Oh, fuck. It's a barnacle. Dude, I almost said barnacle and you didn't give me enough time. You didn't give us time to say a barnacle. It's a barnacle. Barnacles' dicks are like ten times the size of them. We gotta start saying these hung like a barnacle. You hung like a barnacle, dog. Wait, wait, wait. We're talking about real animals, not a fucking crustacean.

What? Thank you, Adam. Mammals. They are part of the animal kingdom. A barnacle. Yes, a barnacle. A living barnacle. They're like clams, basically. Dude, I feel like Adam knows what a barnacle is. You know what also? Flowers. Flowers are living things. Adam, wait a minute. Barnacles are not plants.

Barnacles are. Yeah, but they might as well be. I'm talking about an actual mammal, dude. This is getting gray. A mammal. Wait. No, I said animal. Animal kingdom. A barnacle is an animal. Right. But to Adam's point, nobody at home cares about a barnacle now. Okay, cool. Interesting. You wouldn't until they make that SpongeBob SquarePants episode where they meet the barnacle. And now you're fucking in, bro. Yeah.

Hey, yeah, that's true. The R-rated Spongebob that they're doing? This dude's got it. Barnacle dicks are that big, though, that you guys should care. Okay, now look up mammal, please, so that people can go, oh. All right, this guy doesn't know the difference between Paula, Cole, and Linda Tripp, but he knows exactly the size of barnacle cocks. Adam Byrne. Fuck off. Fuck off.

Right.

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Mammal with the biggest penis is a blue whale, but in proportion with biggest... What is my search history? Biggest penis relative. Relative. Mammal. Mammal. Mammal. Biggest penis on their relatives. Biggest penis relative to... You're about to get some porno. It's like relatives fucking giant penis. Mammal. The mammal with the largest penis to body size. We have it. It's the fossa cryptopropanus.

It's a puma. I was just going to say that. Okay. It's a puma from Madagascar. Oh, boy. I like that. Hey, dog, and you should have said that because then we all would have been stoked. You said barnacle and no one gave a shit, man. You didn't because you think barnacles are plants and they're not. They are.

I know they're not plants, dude, but they're just a fucking thing on the side of a rock when you're scuba diving. To you, but you don't watch them at night when they're fucking each other with their big ass dicks and sucking each other's dicks, dude. Yeah, dude, that's true. I guess I didn't get really into that like you did over the pandemic. Barnacles fuck. Hey, is there time lapse footage of barnacles jamming? I bet. Of course, there's time lapse of everything.

Well, Blake, look it up and show it to us. I don't know. And by the way, what's the street name of this puma? Not the fucking scientific name. The fucking genus supremus. Give me the... It's puma resembling carnivore. This is like not giving me... Todd is saying fossa? Fossa. Yeah, a fossa.

F-O-S-S-A. A fossa. Why was that so hard? Or a ferrox. Oh, well, yeah, it looks like a fucking ferret. Does it? I want to see a fossa. That does not look like a puma. Oh, it's related to a puma, but it's a ferret? Yeah, well, this thing looks like it has a big dick. Like, look at its eyes. Whoa. And the people also ask, is a fossa a cat or a dog? Bro, it's got a

big hog. And it's just got a huge, big old swanger, dude. It ain't a cat. It ain't a dog. It's a hog. Honestly, it's sexy as fuck, too. It is. It's eyes are... Are you looking at this one? This picture? Yeah, look at his yellow ass eyes. It looks like it's trying to fuck. Every picture is like... Yo, this one where these two guys are on a tree just kicking it, looking for some girls. Dude, they, like, over the shoulder, just, like, looking back, like, wait...

Were you talking to me? Can you buy these? I hope so. These are fucking cool. They are. I love this face. Like, if you had one of these at the crib. They are very cool. And also, you are absolutely right in saying they all look like they're really throwing out mats.

Sexy deal. Right? Yeah, their eyes are like... Yeah. Like, they might have popped a Molly. I don't know. Right. But they are ready. They're G2G. Their eyes have that come hither motion. They got a slender face. Can't tell if it's a cat or a dog. Everything wants to fuck this, bro. Fossa. Damn. Fossa, man. Move. Fossa. Look at those claws. It makes sense. Well, thank God. Thank God they didn't give the... Thank God God didn't give... Yeah, thank God. And all of...

The Lord's infinite wisdom. He didn't give the giant, the biggest cock to a fucking barnacle. He gave it to this super sexy cat dog. He did give it to the barnacle, but mammal-wise. Have you guys Google imaged the fossa penis? No, fossa penis. We're getting there. I would say it would have been pretty cool if sloth. It is gnarly. It's kind of scary looking. It's not like a nice thing. Yeah, it's not okay. It kind of looks like

Alien, when like, you know, when alien like opens its mouth and then another little alien comes out, it kind of looks like that. Oh, you mean uncircumcised people? It's also barbed. That's a whole thing. That's a whole another can of worms. I don't like what's popping up now in my like related images. I got to go. Oh, look at this. What is this dick? Whose dick is this? No.

Who's dick is that? That's Michael Douglas. Who the hell's dick is that? It's Michael Douglas, though. Oh my gosh, why is this dick bloody? That's a goat dick. Okay. Man. You know, that was the last podcast we were talking about Michael Douglas. Yeah. And we're just saying Michael Douglas, talking about his cock and stuff. Huh. I'm looking at a goat's dick right now, and it is small. What are you guys dressing up for Halloween? Halloween's way over, bro. No, I was just kidding. I meant, what'd you guys dress up as? Beetlejuice.

Nice. Nice. I have a wedding to go to on Halloween, so I won't get to... I'm not going to be doing any dress-ups. That's right. I did... I just... We hadn't talked about this on the podcast yet, but Chloe and I did do our hot air balloons. What? And there was... For our anniversary, there was three hot air balloons that went up.

Two of them landed safely on the ground. I was in one of them. One of them got off course, landed in trees, landed on a bunch of trees. Oh my God. That sucks. That's so scary. How fucking crazy would that be? Is that known when you get into it? They're like, okay, so obviously you're in a hot air balloon. We don't know where the fuck we're landing. I mean, they don't like give you a breakdown like that.

But they have to train you to be like, when it happens, fucking buckle in or whatever. They absolutely do not in the two times I've done it. Well, then what do you do? Well, you don't do anything. You hang on. You're just in the basket. Like, there's nothing you can do. Yeah, but they don't tell you to, like, sit down cross-legged in the bottom of the basket or some shit to, like... Yeah, isn't there anything? No, they do not tell you any of that. Are there helmets? I'm sure... No, there's no helmets. But I'm just saying, like, a bag of helmets where it's like, hey, we're about to crash, put this on. There's no bags in this basket. It's just you. Yeah.

There's no extra helmet bag. I'm going to start hot air balloon helmets. What about like a parachute? What about like, is there any form of hang glider? There's no parachute. Blake, you're in a parachute. You're currently in a balloon floating. It's the same thing.

But they sit it down gently. It's not like they crashed into this tree. They, like, sat it into this tree where they... But what if you did? What if the... Yeah, what if the basket starts to tip and then you're... Well, sure. Then you land up... Oh, yeah. And there's a bunch of fossils there looking to... Yeah. What if you fucking land in a tree full of fossils? Hey, I'm with you, dude. No.

I guess Chloe and I are wild bad boys and girls. Yeah, for sure. For doing this, we're wild. We're that crazy couple that goes hot air ballooning. You're like a biker gang. Us adrenaline seekers. You're like a hot air balloon biker gang, dude. It's sick. You start shit with other hot air balloons, like steer next to them and be like, fuck you. Fuck you.

Jesus. Just starting beef. That being said, it is exhilarating. Is it? Is it cool? I've wanted to go for so long. It is cool, dude. You should do it. It's fun. It's super fun. Yeah, it's really cool. And then also, he gave us the whole spiel that hot air balloons were invented in France and that we have to drink –

champagne afterwards. But this guy was partying, man. He was like, he had like eight bottles. There was like 12 people, I think total. And he had eight bottles of champagne. He's like, we got to finish all the bottles before we can leave. And we're like, Jesus Christ. He's lighting cigarettes off the fucking wall.

He's like, here's the deal. You have to drink champagne on a hot air balloon. I just so happen to have a keg of the champagne of beers. So pour up, brother. We got Miller High Life on deck. It was after we landed that we did all that. Will you grab another bottle of champagne out of the helmet basket?

Damn, son. Where'd you find this? No, but we had a bottle of champagne in the basket. It was dope. Yeah, that's cool, dude. And this is in South Carolina? No, this was in Asheville, North Carolina. Beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains. Okay.

It's very pretty. And that's also why it's kind of a... Like, Albuquerque is a great place to hot air balloon. That's where most of the hot air ballooning in the country is done there. That's the puzzle I've done, that Kodak puzzle with all the hot air balloons. Yeah, because there's no... You can land anywhere. It's the fucking desert. Yeah, no trees, no fosses. And so here, these people got off course and just landed in the fucking...

in a pine tree you know they just landed in the woods i mean i guess you get a story out of it yeah i wish i landed in the tree dude nah man trust me you don't want to do that because you know what's in that tree oh trust you the fossils hell of fossils a bush of fossils or the bear i don't know what north carolina has in the trees but there it's probably dangerous

Probably dangerous as hell. Nah. Blake, you finally watched Prey, the Predator sequel? I have not watched it yet. I'm sorry. Oh my God. I haven't seen it either. You should watch it. I wouldn't say it's really good, but it's fucking good. It's

Is it a series or a movie? It's a movie. It's one movie. Okay. Yeah. That's doable. Yeah. I should knock it out. It's fucking cool. They took Predator. They put it in this other world. Like, not other world, but like, it's early. It's like Native American style. Yeah, that's such a fucking good idea. It's fucking dope. And there's a cool bear sequence. No, that's just cool, man. They finally nailed something. I like that. Right, right. You're not an AVP guy? You know what I'm liking is...

Rings of Power. But I was always a Lord of the Rings guy. I fucking always kind of weirdly geeked out on that stuff. I hear it's really good. It is good. If you liked Lord of the Rings, it's really, really good. Are you fucking with it more than the Game of Thrones one? House of Dragons? Yes. You are! In fact, by...

long shot. Really? That is interesting. It was just a little more fun. It was a little more, it was like a little brighter, a little more magical. You could see the people. Like the world seemed bigger. Like the few episodes of the House of Dragons I saw was just like... Fuckfest. It was just too much of a fuckfest. And you know me. The prude. Not for you. Uh...

No, it just wasn't as fun. Like, Rings of Power was a more fun show. That's cool. And Dahmer, man, that's a... What a lighthearted romp that is. But does anybody party like Dahmer does? Hey, I'll drink to that. Well, wait, you guys watched the rehearsal? I mean, these are shows that have aired...

weeks ago, but the rehearsal was just... Well, who knows when people watch any of these things? They're all streaming. We watch it on the ledger. Who gives a shit? I'll tell you who knows. The fucking companies know. They won't tell us. Yeah, that is true. But flowers to the rehearsal and to Nathan Fielder. Yes. Just operates on another level. I was texting Blake. I'm like, this is a whole new genre of comedy. Yeah. By going like, why would I write something when I can find...

and manipulate them in ways that like you make discoveries that you just can't by being like, oh, it would be a funny situation here comedically. Yeah. Fucking disaster, my guy. Yeah, we should all quit. Any giveaways? No, I was just...

Sarah worked on his show, right? Yeah, because Sarah's husband, Dave, is in Cahoots. Yeah, so we kind of had the inside track on how Nathan Fielder does it, but I remember when she told me how he does it. No spoilers. I forgot. Oh my God, great. But it's pretty real.

It's just that show, they must, like, I think they go, like, because the shit just seems so organic. Like, it all seems like it's folding in on itself. It's really a trip, man. It's a fucking trip. Linda trip? Paula Cole. The rehearsal. Admittedly, I'm sorry I spent too much time watching Rings of Power. I didn't watch the rehearsal. Adam? I think I saw one episode. Treat yourself. Yeah, it'll just, hey, your appetite for comedy is...

It's going to satiate it, pal. You're going to enjoy it. Yeah. It's funny. It just hits you in a whole different way where you're like, fuck, this is crazy. Yeah, it's on some weird, weird, weird shit. Weird wild stuff. Wild stuff. Wild stuff.

Well, any takeaways, givebacks, apologies, epics. I want to give back to you guys. You know, I feel like I've taken so much. I want to give back to the community. I've taken so much. I've ridden your coattails. So I want to give back. Oh, man. Thank you. Off air. Off air. I'll let you know. Don't do it on air. No, no. Of course not. Yeah, please don't. Never would. Huh?

But you'll see. You'll see. I mean, I want to take back calling Paula Cole Linda Tripp. I don't know where that came from. Deep recess. I'll text you guys all in a couple days. No, no, no, no, no. I would like to give you flowers for doing that because it really started the podcast off strong, confusing, strong.

See ya. It's always nice to put your foot in your mouth within the first few minutes of the podcast because then that's gold right there. So thank you for that. You gave us gold and maybe you want to apologize for calling barnacles plants because that's pretty weird that you thought they weren't animals. Well, I didn't really. I didn't.

say that they're plants. I don't think he said plants. No, he said a barnacle might as well be a flower. What? Well, sure. What? That's different. Because it's not like an animal that is walking around, dude. Okay. It's more similar to a plant that is just planted right there that does nothing, that you can't pet. How big is a sunflower's dick? Okay. You know what? Listen, Blake, I'm not here to referee, but you're a fucking disaster. Okay.

Must die. It's not true. No, that's not true, guys. I don't want to ref, but please shut the fuck up. Dude, he called it a fucking plant. Dude, why are you standing up for barnacles so much? Okay? You're a fucking disaster, my guy. Because their dicks are huge.

Okay, wait, you know what? Fair enough. Adam, you asked. He answered and I'm kind of like, fair enough. I'm going to stand up for anything with a huge dick, bro.

As a man, that's my team. Those are my Olympics. I'm glad you finally said it. Because for a while I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about. If you got a huge dick, I'm falling in line, bro. All is right with the world. If you got a huge dick, I'm falling in line. It makes a lot of sense. And that's another episode of This Is...

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