Ep 117: Drive Thru Pizza. That’s It. That’s the Pod.
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Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature.

Today we talk about... Watch me shove my nuts in the CPAP machine and I'll sleep like a baby, baby. You drank vodka out of a Gatorade bottle like every other kid in America. You're learning skills, you dumb fucking idiot. You're learning skills. All right, dude, here it is. That's a dog licking your dad's butthole. Here we go. Start your engines. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.

All right, all right, all right. Happy New Year! Happy New Year! Good job. Are you guys going to... What are your resolutions this year? Are you guys firing up any big-time res? Wow. Yeah, I'm not going to say any dumb shit anymore. You're still on that, too? I want to tell you right now, Blake, that I don't think that attitude is healthy for your mind, okay? You have to give yourself... Yeah, you have a simple mind, and...

You're putting too much stress on it right now, okay? Yeah, that's too much, dude. Come on. Okay, all right. Let me think of a real resolution.

I'm bad with resolutions. I've never made one that I stuck to. Ever. Even tried. Huh. Okay. Well, I always say my resolution is the same every year. It's like I'm going to be in the best shape of my life this year. Really, that's only happened like one time. Right. Like 2015. And your boobs are huge. 16 maybe. Yeah. That was like the only time that it actually happened. Right. And there's no way you can get into the best shape of your life now. What?

Yeah, there's a way. That's not going to happen. Why not? What the hell? Like relative. TRT. Yeah. He'll get on it. Why not? Liver King. Yeah, I've got to take testosterone and get jacked into it. Yummy. No, but I mean, like, you're not going to be in better shape than when you were like 24, 25, right? No, I was in bad shape. Yeah. I would say five years ago I was in the best shape of my life.

of my life. Yeah. All right. Well, hey, okay, that's fine. I wish you the best. I love you a lot. You knew me when I was 20. I was a little pudgy. Kyle, stop projecting. Yeah, it was a projection. I love you a lot. I wish you the best. It was a projection. And you were in the best shape of your life, I would say, when we were doing P90X. Correct. When you were strong and you could do pull-ups and stuff. Right. Donkey! Yeah, that was tight. Yeah.

That was a good couple months. You guys were 24, right? We were 24. Yeah, yeah. 24 years old. And so what Kyle's projecting is that he doesn't feel like he could get back there. Oh, I bet you could, Kyle. That's what I'm doing. See, the thing is, is I never stopped watching. You took a decade off after P90X. That'll do it. Pizza, pizza. I think if you get on it. That'll do it. That'll do it. Well, a decade fully off. I didn't take a decade fully off. That'll do it. Okay.

What workout program were you? Kyle's active. You're still walking. You're not my 600 pound life, but yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Kyle's an active. He's an active guy. Well, I stayed running. I stayed skateboarding. I stayed doing my cardio. You stayed running.

I did. Running errands. Fucking running errands. I meant eating. How many miles a week do you run? Whenever I would get in trouble, I'd throw at least four. I'd throw like three on a day, right? Get in trouble? Yeah. What are you talking about? Heart murmurs? Dude, at a certain weight, you got to, you know, you're like, oh, I'm in trouble. It's a little too hot. This doesn't happen to you guys? Oh. What we're saying is we don't know. You don't know what it's like to get in trouble with your weight, to be like,

Oh, this is too heavy. I was going to say, with your wife, I got to go for a run. You know what I mean? Like when you're considering heart health, when you're considering aging, when you're considering all of that stuff. I've never gotten to the point that I was worried for my heart health. No. I've never gotten that obese. Well, you're not worried about anything. Well, true.

I've gotten to a place where I'm not thrilled with my weight, where I'm like, ooh, I should probably lose 10. Yeah, yeah. But I've never been like, I've never laid down in bed and been like scared. Your boobs are huge. I didn't say I was scared. I just said I got in a little bit of trouble. But did that happen? Yeah, but you've definitely laid down in bed and like grabbed your chest and got scared. Or like you've woken up because you weren't breathing in your sleep.

Right. You've got sleep apnea, right? That's apnea, dude. That's apnea, bro. Do you have apnea? Because your snoring is absolutely terrible. Well, it's not that bad anymore. Once I quit smoking cigarettes, it wasn't as bad. That gave me apnea. Oh, is that right? Yeah. I would love to hear it. Do you have to wear the mask and everything? Or did you have to? I was issued a CPAP machine. Yes, I was. I made my own. I made my own mask. That's why I'm...

I have a custom CPAP that I created. I guarantee you, you thought about doing some shit like that. It's like, all right, so it's just these tubes and all right, well, I can do this. Yeah, no problem. Absolutely. Absolutely. So, but did you use it? No, I never, I never really used it. Why not? It probably feels good. What happened was, like, you don't put it on your dick.

You can? It goes here. Watch me shove my nuts in the CPAP machine and I'll sleep like a baby, baby. Now how's your dick breathe? Your dick breathing? Dude, your dick snores a lot, bro. Wait, have you ever done an oxygen bar? Yes. In Vegas? Yes. It's wonderful. Oh, yeah. Wonderful. Those aren't real, right? Adam comes in with the, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You guys got an hour?

Well, no, I mean, I straight up, I fuck with that. And I fuck with a total of like the drips that you get, the like hydration drips. Sure. I'm a dude. Oh, you've done that? Oh, I haven't done that before. The hangover drip? Oh, the hangover drip. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. I want to do it so bad. I'd like to do that too. I would really like to do that. Just see what it feels. Does it work?

Yes. Yeah. Does it make your dick bigger? No, that's a CPAP. Is it real? Yeah, you got to strap the CPAP on. You're saying that's good for hangovers. Have you ever tried it just like for wellness? What? That is wellness. Wait, what? Huh? Like not hungover, like not fighting out of a hole. Have you ever done it on like, you know what I mean? Yeah, I did it. I did it when I like, I...

But it was for COVID. It was like I had COVID and they gave it was some kind of I forget exactly what is what was it called? It was like it's supposed to help you get over your symptoms faster. Johnson and Johnson. Sure. But it's a cocktail. It's like this fucking bag. A Z-Pack? Yeah. But it's specifically. No, it's for COVID. It's not a Z-Pack.

I forget what it was, but then on top of it, I was like, just give me the drip. That's some celebrity shit, bro. So wait, hang on a second. I paid a ton of money for it. That's when you did it, Adam? Okay, so we...

You get hooked up with things if you give money. So you did the drip when you got COVID. Right. I got COVID. Have you done it before or since? Yes. And I've done it before and since. Okay. I thought you were like, I fuck with that. When I got COVID, I did it. But it's only from like hangovers and shit.

where I just fire one up. So how does it work? Does somebody come to your house and strap a bag to you or do you have to go to a spot? Well, both. I think you can go places, but I... You have them come to your place? I get hooked up. Come to me. After paying the money.

That's the way I've got it done. So do they actually stab you with a needle? Blake. Yes. I believe it is intravenous. Well, yeah. They're not stabbing you. Yes. What do you mean? It's an intravenous procedure. Yes. Oh.

Oh, man. That's... They basically are giving you fluids. Are you scared of needles, Blake? No. I mean, I can do it. I just like... I'm not... I don't like needles. Oh, his voice quivered. His voice quivered when he said, no. I don't like it. I'm not hyped. Like, I'll do it. I don't give a fuck, bro. I don't give a fuck. Well, sure. I'm not like, ooh.

Give me them needles, boy. But it doesn't. Here's what I'll say now that you. Adam, it sounds like something you might say. I just want to party. I'll say if it will take away my hangover. Yes, you can fucking chop my head off. And it's not. It's not. If you are wildly hungover, you're not going to be like, oh, shit, I'm ready to go play basketball. But it'll it helps you like 50%.

So if you're really hungover, you're way less hungover. But here's a dirty little secret. What's up, Durs? I like that. I know a person who was an EMT, and when him and his homies that were also EMTs would go drinking, and then they had to drive home, they would do a saline bag. Blow a bag. To get the blood alcohol level low so they could hit the road. Whoa. Awesome.

I love it. That's science. So it like flushed them. Hey, guys at home, that's a life hack for you. Welcome back. Happy New Year. Hey, sign me up. I'm trying to be a freaking EMT. I think the hardest part about doing that would be putting the needle in your own arm. That would be fucking insane. Okay. No, you look at your friend and you put it in his at the same time he puts it in yours. You stare at each other. Yeah. Ready? Set. Go. Wait. I'm three. Oh, fuck. Ow. And then you whisper.

Right. Yeah. Infects me. What was it, Adam? What show were you watching? Angels in the Outfield? That was me. That was Blake. It's not Angels in the Outfield. It's Angels in America. It's an excellent play. It was Angels in America. And I asked Blake. This was when we were roommates together well over 15 years ago. An excellent play. I walked into Blake's room asking if he wanted to play NBA Street. And

And I walk in and I just see like one person go, and I'm like, Blake. Pivotal scene in Angels in America. It sounds juicy. It was. I suggest everybody watches that play if you can see it live or you can watch the HBO special, which I believe Adam walked in on me watching. Yeah.

And admittedly, you know, I'm sure it's good. I'm sure it's an incredible movie or show. That being said. It was a weird. I was not expecting to walk in on that. Yeah. You know, see ya. It's like parent style and parents always walked in at like the sex part of the movie and they'd be like, what are you watching? You're like, it's the only part.

movie was there ever a like a song or something your parents didn't like you listening to and they were like off they were like wrong about it what do you mean yeah yeah my mom's was she was like I don't want you to listen to Weezer yeah and I'm like Weezer and they're like at the beginning of some song on the blue album it was a

You know like it's like a party And Blake might know what I'm talking about You come to the show It's the sweater song You come to the party after the show Oh so stoked Take it easy bro That's literally the line And my mom heard so stoned

Take it easy, bro. And she was like, I don't like you listening to that. So stoned. And I'm like, they say stoked. Goodbye. No, they don't. No, that sounds familiar. No, they don't. Idiot. Did they say stoked back then? I remember my mom, me being like, what a fucking idiot, dude. Yeah. Dude, you know which one mine was? This is a freaking real poll. It was, remember, whoop.

There it is. By tag team back again. Whoop, hit your kids. She's like, tag team? Your mom's like, I know what tag team is. That's when you're each fucking the same woman and you're tagging in. Blake, no. That's why you're here. I know tag team. You want to know what tag team is?

I'm like, Mom, I watch wrestling. She's like, that's not what it is. That's not. Oh, no, no, no. By the way, that would be the fucking worst. Oh, tag team. You think I don't know what that is? I know what it is. Oh, I know what it is. I lived it, brother. Oh, do I know what it is? They're just partners. They're partners. They're good friends. What's that? Survivor Series. I'll tell you what a Survivor Series is. That's what four guys. What?

Whoa, whoa, mom. Mom, you're off base. A royal rumple. Oh, okay. This is a wrestling thing, and then it's just like... No, I know. I was just telling a joke. Right. My mom thought that whoop, there it is, was whoop that ass. What?

Okay. Okay. Yeah. That's what she thought. And she's like, I don't like this song. I mean, it is. Whoop. Day. It is. That's funny when they straight up. Whoop. Day. It is. And maybe it is, by the way. I guess after she said it, I'm like, maybe. Maybe she knows. Maybe she knows. Whoop. Day. It is. That's kind of good. That's a good year. Yeah. Quasity DJs. Yeah. Tag team.

Tag team. Tag team. What's Quad City DJs? Tootsie Roll. Tootsie Roll was Quad City DJs. Okay. Did you guys have Kyle or Anders? Yeah. Did you have one of those? And a song in particular that your parents just got wrong and you're like, no. You're asking Anders if his parents paid attention to it? Yeah. Burn. Get him points. I remember my parents. I remember playing music and my parents being like, who gave you that? And taking it away. Oh, man.

How dare you find enjoyment? No, no, I do. There was something where my mom completely misread the hook of some Tribe Called Quest song or something. What's the scenario? I'll tell you the scenario. I'll tell you the scenario. The scenario is four dudes. The Sahari hole?

You want to know what the Sahari Hall is? I'll show it to you. You want to see it? I do remember one of my buddies went the other way with it where he convinced his mom on the Afro man track where it's like, because I got high. He said that like, got high was a word and it was slang for something. Like, I couldn't clean my room because I got high.

Because a guy? Like a guy? Because I guy. Whatever. So here's the thing about this. I thought your friend was smart for a second. And then when you explained it, I'm like, your friend's mom's an idiot. Yeah.

Yeah, Fred's probably a total moron. That makes my friend smart, right? That makes my friend smart. No, no, no. The concept is smart. Yeah. But what he said it was is stupid. Well, I don't know the exact detail. I think he was like jumped or something like that. Like because I jumped. I'm a dumbass. Or like worked out or something like that. But to say like g'hi means something else and to be a mom and go, all right, 12-year-old person. Yeah. I just don't want to argue with that. Okay, cool. Yeah.

Yeah, and also, like, I feel, I don't have kids, and maybe I'll feel differently when I do, but I feel like I really won't care that much. Unless it's, like, truly, like, the most sexual thing, and they're, like, six years old, and they're singing all the words, and you're like, hey. Like, what? Hey, what age would you let a kid listen to WAP?

A wet ass pussy? I think you have to go through puberty, right? Right. You have to go through it? Some people don't go through puberty until like 16. Yeah, your friend Blake. It's science. And me. I think you have to be like post-puberty or that age, you know what I mean? I think so. Honestly, once 10 hits, I don't give a fuck what they say. Really? 10? Really? Yeah, 10? I'm gonna come.

I mean, I guess you can't. That's almost on the precipice of middle school. If you don't know the shit by 10 and then you turn 12 and everyone's like... Wait, what grade is 10? What grade is 10? I think 10 is fifth grade. Fourth or fifth. Sixth grade. Sixth grade is so much different than fifth grade in my mind. Well, of course. And we've covered your... In Blake's mind. They don't say wash yet. There's no popcorn.

No, this is a post popcorn world. That's junior high. Junior high was way different. So wait, because I went to middle school or junior high in fifth grade. Oh, oh, really? Yeah. See, that explains so much. See, that's why it changed for you, because I agree with.

Thank you. That I think it's middle school is the, it's when you go, when you leave your elementary school and go to another school is when I'm like, all right. You can't, you can't really stop anything. You can, you can listen to whatever and watch all the hardcore porno. Oh,

Give me a hell yeah. That's on daddy's work computer. So you say, okay, now that you're in middle school, now that you've changed schools, now that you're with these older kids, now you can do it. You don't want to prime them so they already know shit before they get there? Well, no, because I don't want them to be the little creeps being like,

oh shit, you don't know about this. Yeah. I think it's okay to like field that shit coming back, but you don't want them sending that out. It's okay for them to be like in the mix, learning things along with their friends. I want my kids to know what Royal Rumble is. Survivor Series. I will say that it was in high school, like my friends that didn't party in high school, like,

Like, specifically, I remember the girl. She was our valedictorian. And I saw her, allegedly. I just want to party. I saw her at a party in college. And she was, like, the drunkest person. And it was, like, early. And I was like, oh, she's too sloppy for right now. You're a rookie, bro. Yeah, she was a rookie. She, like, hadn't partied like that ever. And then she was way over her head in college. I'm like, you got to prep early.

a little bit when it comes to that stuff so you know how to slam four Zimas. Do you agree with me or you disagree with me? Adam's saying he wants to build up his children's tolerance. That's what I'm saying. He went to alcohol. Yes. Okay. So I guess I'm kind of agreeing. You don't want them to get to middle school and

No, no, no, no. They're saying different things. They're saying different things. Well, it's different. I don't want my kids drinking in fifth grade. No, no, no. I'm talking about content. I'm talking about content. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's two separate things. Yeah, like watching Workaholics. Yeah, when he's 10, I'll be like, all right, dude, here it is. That's a dog licking your dad's butt. You're going to let him see that at 10 years old? Like, that's all good? Well, if he wants to, right? I don't think you're going to sit him down and go...

It's time to see what daddy does. Well, how do you introduce... Okay, well, here's the other thing. How do you introduce that? Like, if he wants to, you say, hey, do you want to watch this episode where dad's butthole gets licked by a dog? Or do you say, what you're about to see is some weird shit with your dad?

No, I go sit down. I say you sit down. We're watching this. Yeah, that's what it is. Sit down. You're watching this now. You're going to be on the forefront of. And he's like, I just want to watch Bluey, Dad. Hey, drink a beer. I want you. Paw Patrol movie. Can I just watch Paw Patrol movie?

No, you're not watching anything until you take that shot. Rip a bong and then watch Paw Patrol with your pops. This is what I'm saying. When he's 10 and he goes, can I watch Nightmare on Elm Street or can I watch Scream or whatever scary movie is coming out? Fucking Barbarian. I go, yep.

It's scary. Really? I see. I see what you're saying. So you're not... Dude, I was watching shit like that when I was six and I turned up. Well, yeah, my parents actively didn't care about like movies. Okay, right. Or music. We were talking about music. Like he can listen to WAP when he's fucking 10. Yeah. And my mom was like, I don't know. And then I'm like, well, I'm going to anyways. And she's like, okay. Whether they say stoned or not. Yeah. But this is like...

Durs, by what you're saying is like kid goes to school, kid hears about WAP, kid comes home and says, hey, dad, I want to listen to this song. And you're like, that's cool. You're not saying – I go, fine, as opposed to you cannot listen to that. Now you know what he does? He goes upstairs and he listens to it secretly. And then what other secrets? What other things is he hiding because he thinks I won't approve? That's healthy I get behind that because I was not allowed. I was censored. Well, he's dissecting dead animals, but –

But he's doing it with his dad. He's doing it with his dad, though, so it's fine. But Romer did the same thing. I know. We're with you. We got it. That's life. Fucking no more dumb things.

Right.

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At what age, if your kid's like, hey, kids are drinking at school, like kids are drinking at school, I want to try it, but I'm afraid to do it with them. Would you drink? I go with them. I go with them. Would you drink with your kid at like 15 or however old that is? Hey guys, cheers. Hey, hey, this is my son. You guys, he's cool. If your kid came to you at 15 years old and is like, hey, they're drinking, I don't want to like...

I want to be drunk with you guys for the first time. You have a real cool relationship with your kid. Yeah, I didn't do that with my parents. Well, for sure. I didn't either. No, me neither. Obviously, you drank vodka out of a Gatorade bottle like every other kid in America. Right.

But you hid it from everyone except for your peers. And you hid it, yes. And it was behind the additional classrooms at your middle school, obviously. I'm still going to send it. Would you go, okay, well, here, we're going to have a few drinks and you're going to be drunk with me? Or would you say, nah, like you have to wait until you're –

Well, dude, this is a weird one for me because I'm sober. So what the fuck do I do? Oh, shit. What do I do? I've thought about that. Like, I don't know. You don't have to drink with your kid to have them have a couple of drinks. I mean, I would be just monitoring. That's what I would do that. Yeah. You would drink your RC colas and yeah, drink your RC cola mixed with with some rum. Here's what I'll do. I'll go. I'll go. If we're if it's just the family.

and we're having some burgers, we're barbecuing, and my kid wants to have a beer, I go, "Why?"

I'm a man. And I don't know what the answer is going to be. Because I want to try it, dad. Then I go, you know what? Here. Here's half a beer. And you know what? Now I drink that half beer. I want the rest, dad. Wait a second. Oh, shit. I take it back. I just got doxxed. Oh, okay. What happens when you have more, daddy? I want to be more like you and your friends. I want to be more like you and your friends. Here's what I won't do. Because I remember some parents doing this shit.

was having kids over to the house to drink or smoke weed or whatever. Oh, that shit was sick, bro. And like the parents were upstairs. Yes. I'm not that parent. You know why? No. Because that's fucking insane. That is insane. And then you got to deal with some other parents who's like, you let my kid drink in the

the basement and the whole thing is like i'd rather they do it here as opposed to somewhere else and i go i get that do that for your kid or teach your kid or instill in your kid not to be on some fucking like top of a bridge hammered you know like ready to fall off and die but that is fun oh we've been over this drunk driving is the most fun yeah yeah it's super fun

Doing dangerous shit when you're drunk is really fun. Right. I thought the parents of the other kids who came over to the party had to be like, yeah, we are in the same boat. But dude, that's only good up until a certain point when like then the kid ODs on Goldschlager and then the parents like, yeah, actually fuck that. And then you got a death on your hands for sure. And then like that parent sues you and you go to Yale jail. I just want to party.

Right, right. Okay. That was my dad's stance. Because I had a few parties in school and he would be like, there's no drinking. And I'm like, yeah, okay, for sure. What do you mean? When he's there or out of town? Yeah, one time we had a party and it was like the party that was going to start right before school started. My senior year of high school. And it got way out of hand. I had all these tents set up in my backyard. Yeah.

And everyone was supposed to be drinking back in these tents. And then obviously everyone just stopped doing that. And there ended up being like 500 people. Just tents blown away. 500 people in the backyard. And like the cops came and...

My parents and myself got 22 or 26 charges of procuring alcohol to minors. That shit's important. It was a huge deal. And my dad was so mad because he didn't want it. And it was sort of my mom that was like, oh, it's fine. They'll be quiet. And it got way, way, way out of hand. Right. Yeah.

I admittedly like I was terrified because I was like, my parents are going to go to jail. Like my dad might go to jail for this dumb ass party that I threw. Right. The party was very fun. But right now, yeah. Speak it like it is. The charges ended up getting dropped and like it was fine. But how did you drop? We I'd hire a lawyer and then and then they dropped it for the parents. And then I got like, hey, so they pay long hair lawyer.

Was it a long-haired lawyer? No, no, no. Very short-haired lawyer. Did you have to pay your parents back for the lawyer? I did. In beer. That's responsible of you. Yeah, I bought him a house. Well, I mean, now. Got him back. He said, I'll get you back. Yeah, I had to pay them. At that time, it was like $800, which to me, I'm like, it might as well be a billion dollars.

Yeah, that's a lot of fucking dough. I think it was, I was a good kid. I was, you know, it's a good kid. I was like, that's what the lawyer said to the teacher. I was Adam, Adam. No, you weren't. We've been over this. No, for sure. I was a way bad. You tried to poison. You tried to poison your neighbor. You were led to believe you were a good kid. Okay. Through batteries at animals. What else? You were led to believe. I never did through batteries. I don't know. It's making shit up now, but fucking rocks at cars.

Well, for sure. Everybody did that. Everyone did. I know. I did that too. I guess what I'm saying is $800 doesn't seem like a lot to pay a lawyer to get you out of how many? Yeah. What were these fines? That's wild. 22 counts. I know. And it was something like it could have been $10,000 a count. Right. So my parents were looking at like...

several hundred thousand dollars. Say north of several hundred thousand dollars. North of several hundred thousand dollars. Shout out to that lawyer. Yeah, shout out to that lawyer. That dude freaking rocked. Yeah, I don't know. It's not like we had money. Or your parents told you it was $800 because they're sweet people. Right. They're like, pay us $800. Yeah, maybe, but I really don't think so because they were so mad. Specifically, my dad was so mad at me. Yeah. And it was the kind of mad that actually like

Scared you? Scares you more because he was so mad he wasn't looking at me or talking to me. You know, I got to go to work and everyone thinks my kid's some fun party guy who people like. I got to deal with that now. Well, why didn't you cry about it? That was an award-winning speech from Durst. He's some sort of leader of party guys in high school that people look up to and want to be. I got to deal with that. I got to deal with that.

Making me feel cool. Dude, your dad wouldn't look at you or talk to you. That's a fucking, that will rock you. For how long? My dad, you guys know my dad. He's super, for like, maybe like a week. It was like. Oh, shit. Let that sink in. All right. I was grounded for like the first month of high school, your senior year of high school. It was really bad.

Oh, dude, I was grounded so much. What you didn't know is he got his tonsils pulled out that same week and you thought it was related. And he's like, you won't even talk to me. This is so fucked up. I was grounded so much in high school because I always got caught smoking cigarettes, dude. Yeah. Cry for a long time. I never... That was the only time I think I ever remember being grounded was...

with that time. I was grounded half of high school for sure because my grades were dog shit. My parents were like, until you get A's and B's, you're grounded. And I was like, let's make it a blockbuster night because I ain't going nowhere. Right? Like,

Have you guys had to ground your kids yet? Or are they too young to where it's like there's no real grounding because they're not doing shit? No. We're not even going to ground because it's pointless. No grounding. It is weird, man. It is weird. God, I hope they're not listening. They're going to pull this up. It's pointless. It doesn't do anything. But you're going to hit them. Going to? Going to, Adam? Yeah, you got it.

I've been there. What if you ground them in the garage? The only way they're getting ground is if I fucking Donkey Kong punch them on top of the head and they go...

Into the ground. Yeah. Because sometimes when you ground kids in their room, like that's their favorite fucking place to be. My move is I sit them if we're in whatever room I sit. You got to take away the iPad or whatever, right? We don't do iPads. Yeah. No iPads. I sit them on the stairs and I say whatever they've done. Let's say they like called like their brother name or they hit him. I go, you stay here. Get on the stairs. Until you're ready to come back and be with us.

and not hit your brother or whatever. I take the example and I go, you come back when you're ready not to be the person who does that. And weirdly, they never go, okay, fine, I feel that way now. They never come back. They have left. They've packed up. They stay on the stairs and they legit look inward to go like, can I go back? Am I ready to be that person now? That's really good parenting advice, Jersey. Did I mention the stairs have nails? No.

Has any of your children tried to run away yet? No. I know what you're talking about. I definitely tried to run away. Yeah, I feel like I did that at about your kid's age. I feel like I was seven or eight and be like, I'm going to run away. For sure. And pack a little backpack full of stuff. For sure. Right, Triscuits. And then I walked to the end of the block and I wasn't allowed to cross the street at this certain point. So I just kind of stayed there for like 10 minutes. Meanwhile, my mom's watching me out the window. Yeah.

And then I just came back. You know what I mean? Have they tried that maneuver yet? Or I guess it's like LA, so maybe it's scarier. There's too many coyotes. Yeah, never. Yeah, you're going to get eaten by a mountain lion or a coyote. Well, when I was like 10, I had already got a pocket knife. I had to be eight years old to have a pocket knife. So in my little overnight bag. When I was 10, I'd already gotten the pocket knife. Already got it.

Yeah, okay. I had to wait. I was allowed. Well, sure. I also had a pocket knife, dude. I did too. No, I was allowed to have a pocket knife when I was eight years old. And then at the same year, I was allowed to walk to the store and come back. I could do both of those things the same year. With the knife to school? What?

There was like a lot of rules over in the Newichek household, huh? Oh, dude. My house was filled with rules. Yeah, we had rules too. I was also grounded because of grades and they would take my car away because of grades and it was- Well, why don't you cry about it? A lot of rules, man. Remember, I didn't have any video games in my house. None whatsoever. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that was a... We didn't either, but we didn't want them. Like, they didn't encourage it, and then so we were just kind of like, all right. But didn't you ever go over to a friend's house and you're like, oh, shit, Mortal Kombat is the most fun thing. I never got into it. I just had to go to the neighbor's house and I was not into it. I was like, this is kind of sick, but whatever. I'm going to go make a ramp. If you're a kid with no... If you don't have a video game system and you try to play video games, you suck at them so bad that you just can't.

You have to have alone time with them. Right. Yeah, I missed the boat on video games straight up, like every time we would play. Like, I was not even like... I'm so stoked. I wasn't even close to being as good as you guys. Or you. Wait, why did all you guys have knives, though? You all had knives? Like a Swiss Army knife? Yeah. Yeah, what do you mean? Because we're little boys, dude. What are you talking about? I didn't... Cup check. I didn't have a knife. I didn't have a fucking knife. Why would I ever... You didn't have a blade, homie? How old were you when you got your first blade? Pfft.

I don't know what this is turning into. There's no way I would even remember that because I have no... It's not significant to me. I never wanted a knife. Well, Blake, you have blades now. Well, I wanted a samurai sword. Okay. And how old were you when you got that? I was in college. Fuck it! You never had like a pocket knife? So you never had a pocket knife or like BB guns or anything like that? Nunchaku. BB gun, but that's different from a knife.

A knife is... What the hell are you going to do with a knife? It's a tool. No, the knife is for whittling. That's what we were doing. We were whittling. Yeah, you whittle sticks. Whittling? What the fuck are you whittling? You build forts. You make, like, points on sticks. So for arrows, so you can stab your friends. Squirrels.

Yeah. You get a knife to make more sharp items? What the fuck? Yeah, exactly. I don't... What? Yeah. Well, you need a... But, Blake, you just need a knife when you're about eight years old. No, you... Dude, Blake, you better chill. I think you're about to get your man card revoked. Pull it. Bro, no. I do not see... I...

What would I need a knife for? I don't know. Well, I was a Cub Scout. No, you weren't. So it was like the survival technique of it all. I think that's what I got mine for. It was just like a little Swiss Army. Surviving what? What the fuck are you guys surviving? You're learning skills, you dumb fucking idiot. You're learning skills. What skill are you learning with a knife? Whittling? Yes. That is a skill.

By the way, Blake, that's like the number one thing. You could have named anything else. Whittling? Yes, I just said that. I just said it. Yes. Well, they mentioned whittling. What else are you going to do with a knife? What skills? You can cut things. You can notch wood. You use it to cut ropes. Notch wood. That's what scissors are for.

What the fuck? You are so embarrassing right now. I'm a man. But you don't bring scissors camping. Were you not a Cub Scout, Blake? You didn't do Cub Scouts? I was a Boy Scout for one day. Literally one day. Why? And they were like, where's your knife? And you were like, I want to go home.

Nah, I said these motherfuckers are up to something over here. I ain't sticking around with this. This is weird, bro. What do you mean, boy scout? Like, my cute ass. They got me in an ascot, prancing around in little shorts. Nah, bro, I'm out, brother. Those shorts are dope. I gotta get a pair of those. Actually, I think we had pants. Yeah, they were tight.

I think the whole reason I even joined was because Hot Topic was selling Boy Scout uniform. Yeah, bro. That's sick. Really? Were they really? That was where you would get it? No. I think they sold some. Also, dude, Hot Topic wasn't around when you were eight years old. There's holes in your story. It might have been in California. No, this was later. This was later. He's talking about Boy Scouts, which it's obviously after Cub Scouts. So what happened? You skipped all the Weeblos. You skipped all the Tiger Cubs. You skipped all the stuff.

Weeblos? Yeah, Weeblo. Yeah. Yeah, that's what the Cub Scout leader, that's what he kept telling Kyle. Hey, Weeblo. Yeah, Weeblo. Weeblo each other. Weeblo all these boys. Weeblo all these boys. And these little beads you get, guess where those go? Weeblo.

Right.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Like the Pinewood Derby? You didn't do the Pinewood Derby. That's another thing that you could do. The best. When you were a Cub Scout. Dude, the Pinewood Derby was hilarious. Because you could weigh the car. Oh, yeah, you could. And up to a certain point, my dad didn't read. He's helping me build it. He didn't read the directions. So I just had a block of wood.

A painted block of wood. I came in and you do like 10 races with your car. Yeah. Just dead last every time. I was so, I was like devastated. I hella remember the cars that were a painted block of wood. Like there was no, there was nothing. There's no sculpting at all. There was zero. My dad was like, and we're done. Okay. Good work. That shit's important. Wheels are,

I remember getting the graphite and just like blasting the graphite in the wheels so the extra slippery. And kids always having on the day having to like remove weights to like make weight or whatever. Are you guys going to put your kids in Cub Scouts? I don't know if it exists anymore. I think it like went up for. Yeah, they got busted, bro. They got busted. No, it for sure exists. It's bad. It's a bad institution. Yeah, but people still are Catholic.

and the Catholic Church was busted too. You know what I mean? Right. Hold up. Yeah, but that's a different thing. People believe in God. For sure. I truly think, yeah, but don't you believe in whittling? Because we've just talked about it. And I don't. Well, I'll put my...

I'll put my kid in a whittle class. It doesn't have to be Cub Scouts. I don't think we'll do it. I think we're so, dude, we're in soccer playoffs right now. It's going down. It's still, it's fully still a thing. Oh really? You're in soccer playoffs? Yeah. They won their game the other night. They were down four to one and then they fucking clawed back, tied the game, went through overtime, went into a shootout. Arnie fucking tagged this ball and scored. Uh,

Oh, nice. Game winner? Super stoked. It wasn't the game winner. We won when the other team, some kid kicked left of the goal. But it was a fucking nail biter and we're going back tonight. Oh, you're saying it was like penalty shots. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, yeah, oh, that's fucking crazy. Is it kind of cool like your kids are getting the age now that they're getting kind of good at sports? Because I bet they're for a while. Yeah, I was a little worried going into it.

It's a little bit like, okay, everyone's going to suck. It's like a little bit of a drag. They're looking at those clouds. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You lose! They're figuring it out. And by the way, there's always one or two absolute studs on every team. Yeah. And my kid's not. That was never me. No, my kid's not that either. That was me. But when they went into the penalty kicks, I was like, is he even going to get picked to shoot the ball? And he was. And he fucking tagged it. And I was like, oh.

Yeah, there we go. That's awesome. And it's cool as you are going to remember that forever. And he's going to remember that forever. Oh, yeah. That's an impressionable moment. You know, I remember like I do a hunting trip with my dad and some of his friends and some of my friends every year. We haven't done the last few years because of COVID and cancer and all that. But we did it for like forever.

15 or 18 years in a row, something crazy. And maybe like 10 years ago, my dad was like, do you remember? And he talked about a specific play I made in baseball where I like, it was a line drive and I jumped off the second base and I snow-coated the ball and caught it to win the game.

And I remember that like it was like I just won a championship. Like it was the biggest moment in my life. And I still remember it so vividly. And the fact that my dad also remembered it was like that meant the fucking world to me. I was like, you remember that too? And he's like, oh, yeah, that was awesome. I'm like, oh, great. It wasn't just me building up a moment in my head. Sure I do. Yeah.

Why didn't you cry about it? Baseball, right? No, he brought it up to me. He was like, you remember when you did? And I'm like, I remember that exactly. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Major. Remember when I took you to the garage and we beer bonked for the first time? That fucking rocked. Then I sent you off to middle school. You were prepared for middle school after that. Yeah, you were ready for the sixth grade.

Great. Bro, remember that? You took it like a champ, dude. By the way, dude, my wife just walked in with a bag of canes because she heard us talking about canes. Ow! So right after this pot, I'm going to get a dip into some yummy, yummy tins. Wait, just start eating right now. Can we watch? Yeah, Pete.

Yeah. Now, I don't want to do that to the listeners. What do they call their tenders? Tenders, right? Tenders. Yeah, I think they just call them tenders. Do they? I thought there was some fun name. Cane sticks? Well, there's like, you could get like the Caniac box, which is like extra. Oh, that's cool. Caniac box. Caniac mode. I like that. I think that's what I was thinking. That's great. I'm excited for it. Nice, nice, nice. What else is there besides Caniac? Oh.

um, Kaniak two. Yes. Candy cane, candy cane. You get a candy coated one. Candy cane. Oh, okay. Um, Kaniak cop, of course. Yeah. Cain and Abel. It's a biblical one. Cain and Abel. Oh, okay. Yes, points. I'll give that to you. Hurricane. Okay. Blended, blended chicken tender. Yes, points. Go off, Kyle. Adam's going to just look on the internet, but he,

Keep going. Is Adam Chunkin? I think he is Chunkin, yeah. He went to get canes, dude. Yeah, he's Chunkin. Oh, there we go. Sorry, I keep... I'm Chunkin, guys. I'm sorry. They only have one really fun name. It's the Caniac Combo, and everything else is just like...

the three finger combo, the box combo. Three fingers up your ass. Oh, they call them fingers. Chicken fingers. Chicken fingers. Why? By the way, weird name. Chicken fingers? Because it's shaped like a finger. Why? Why not just call them tenders? It's like buffalo wings. You're like, is this buffalo? I don't understand. Thank you. Thank you. I've never got that. What is it?

It's a sauce, right? Are these the fingers of the chicken? Yeah, chicken fingers. It's confusing. It is. I guess, yeah, they go fingers. They don't go tenders, which crazy. Well, that makes sense because tenders is – who's got tenders? Do all the other fast foods do tenders? McDonald's does selects. Well, Burger King, of course, does chicken sticks. No, chicken fries. Okay.

You already broke your resolution. Hey, scrub that. Scrub that. Hey, by the way, I'm looking at their in the Los Angeles, San Diego area. Guess how many canes there are now? There was zero when we talked about it on the pod for the first time. There are 69.

Oh, wow. The best number. I hope. And now we can't start our franchise because then it would be 70 and that's not cool. We should have bought the 69. 69, dude! They'd be like, yo, whoa, guys. What are you doing? You're ruining a good thing. You see what we're doing here. Ha ha ha.

Wait, so there's one in Burbank. Where's another close one in SoCal, Los Angeles area? There's a handful down in Orange County. Right. Yeah. But it's crazy. And I think there must be a ton down in San Diego. Wow. Colleges like near Northridge, probably like that kind of thing. Is that the route? The Papa John's route? What franchise should we pop up? Deep suburbs, bro. Deep suburbs. Portillo. We're talking Arcadio.

We're talking diamond bar. By the way, after your birthday party, Adam, I went straight to Portillo's and got a milkshake and a hot dog. I love that. I love that for you. I had to. Is Portillo's franchisable? That's like a Chicago Italian beef spot or something? Yeah, exactly. And it is delicious, but I don't know if it would catch on in California in the way those chicken fingers did.

I feel like if you open one in Pasadena, it would fly. If you open one in like Thousand Oaks, it would hit. If you open a few down in Warren down Orange County, it would hit. Temecula. Was it just people that – because obviously everyone across the globe loves Chicken Fingers. Will it just be people that like – that are from Chicago that –

miss a little piece of home? Hopefully not. You know, like I think Italian beef is fine. It's good. It's delicious. But like when I hear it, I don't go like, oh, I got it.

I got to get an Italian beef. Yeah, but if you, once you have like six in your system, it stays there and it calls for more. Either you have diarrhea or you don't. But they have everything. They've got the fucking, obviously they got Italian beef, but they got hot dogs, burgers. It's a whole nine yards, but then it has like the specialty items. Right. Isn't it a fat menu? It's a big ass menu. Big menu. Thank you. Yeah, big menu. Yeah, fat menu, doggy. Diarrhea. We need to find one thing that Kansas is already doing it.

Here's the question. Here is the question. Why isn't there a drive-thru pizza place? Drive-thru? Well, there is. Blaze. Why can't you get a fuck? Is that a drive-thru? Blaze isn't drive-thru. I mean, it's not drive-thru, but do you want drive-thru pizza? Well, why not? Why can't you get a slice like you can on the East Coast? Why can't you just drive-thru and grab a fucking slice? Actually, I think that's a great idea, and we should do that, dude. Drive-thru pizza.

I don't understand why it's not a thing. And you can get a whole pie if you want. Pizza, pizza. You know, you could get the whole pie. Absolutely, you could. You can call ahead. You can do that. Or you can just get a slice done. Because, Kyle, that's the whole thing about pizza.

You fat bastard. You like to get it delivered. If you're going to go down that road, you're getting it delivered. But I'm just saying as another option. It's like, okay, I got it. Well, you're out and about. You're trying to feed the fam. No. T-Bell, I got fucking canes. I got this. I got to hit the drive-thru pizza place. Everybody pop a slice. I'm hearing what Blake is saying. They deliver. Thank you.

They deliver. That's their thing. It's tough. That's the whole thing about pizza is it comes to your door. Well, everything delivers now because of Postmates. So like everything. Pizza, pizza. But the pizza delivers for free. You have to tip. Okay, well, Adam, that's a great point. Since everything gets delivered now, are drive-thrus more empty at this point? Because people don't even leave their house. Hey.

Not canes. Not canes. That's right. Not canes. I'll tell you that much. They're an anomaly. A what? Are there any takebacks, giveaways, epic slams? Dude, drive-thru pizza. Happy New Year, everybody. Happy New Year. We're still debating food talk.

In 2023. We never really went over resolutions. Blake's is to not be stupid. We already broke it. Kyle? Mine is wait. Mine is wait. I want to get down to 215. That's it. That's what I want to do. Pizza, pizza. Yeah, mine is wait again. I am like... The dude is proposing drive-thru pizzas. Yeah.

I mean, this is real. I'm about to eat canes, but beyond that. He's like, you know how you drive around and you need pizza right then and there and you can't wait to even get it brought to your house? Oh!

Yeah. It checks out, baby. Mine is wait, even though I'm about to eat canes in one minute. Wait till you... Right, yeah. Yeah, you're waiting to eat. But yeah, I can't do cardio because my groin is still fully fucked up. We below. Dude, it sucks. We below. They won't blow. We below the belt. Sorry for that. So...

So yeah, so for sure, I want to become more of a Slender Man. Okay. All right, buddy. The YouTube child horror? Just become a nightmare. Yeah, I want to be more like him. This Slender Man? Okay. You got it. Is that Slender Man? Or is Slender Man like this skinny thing in the background?

I wish you the best. You're doing Momo or whatever. The little psycho girls said that they told me to kill my friends. There's some really good YouTube horror out there. That's what I want to be. That's what I want to be. I wish you the best. Ders? I got none. I don't do them. Oh. All right.

Okay, cool. Okay, Errol, that was another episode. Hey, let's buzz into the new year, baby. Oh my god, dude. Now we're talking. Hey, first buzz ball of the year. Shout out. Wait, give us another quote. Say something else with the mic. Start over. Say something else, dude. And you're choking that buzz ball down. I can tell you don't like it. Can you do an alt take?

It's New Year. What did I say a long time ago? Let's look behind and keep going forward. Hey, well said. Beer today, bomb tomorrow. That was another episode of This is Important. This is Important. Oh, Chili Mango got me. Wow. Hear that? Pumpkin.

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