Ep 155: Oh Mah Lort! We’re Live From The Chicago Theater!
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Yeah, I like this first cut of the diarrhea track, but maybe add a couple jingles in there.

We gotta start talking about like lactating tits more often or something. Here we go. Start your engines. The cause of diarrhea. It could be what's in those little round plastic things. Oh, baby. We can cut the Bulls music now. We're fully hyped.

That was incredibly hype. I will say that that's the best hype music of all time. It really is. That felt good. Pretty damn good? My God. That was really good. That gets the juices flowing. It's actually too loud. My watch is saying it's too loud, guys. Yeah? Yeah. You all right? We're in a loud environment, according to Steve Jobs' ghost. Your watch said it's too loud? Yeah.

It tells you that? What a bitch. People know what I'm talking about. Those Steve Jobs ghosts. Bitch. Me. Very tough. So when you go to a concert, is it like, just go home? When I go to a concert, I don't really go to concerts. Okay, fair enough. Bro, I got hot. How are you doing in that? In this? Yeah, no, this was a bad choice. laughter

Really, really bad choice. Not sure. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. I might pass out. I might pass out. All right. Toasty!

We went to Durs' childhood home today. Yeah, we did. Yeah, we did. We were in Evanston, Illinois today. Yes. Yeah, E-Town, E-Town. I thought it was so far. The way you explained it, you're like, it's a suburb. It's like not in Chicago. It took us like 15 minutes to get there. Yeah. It's not far. That's kind of far. Heck of close. You're basically Kanye, dude. You're like in... You are Chancellor. I'm like...

Not Kanye. You're exactly like Kanye, dude. Hold on a second. I don't know. If I know you, you're exactly like Kanye. Same views on everything. Wow, dude. If I know anything about Durst. Then why am I drinking Bud Light? Brought to you by Bud Light. Okay. It's a cover. It's a cover. I don't trust it.

No, yeah, they went to my folks' house today. Yeah. We all sat in the living room. It was lovely. My parents hosted us. I don't know where they are, but they're here. Your parents are here, which I'm so sorry. Yeah! I'm so sorry, Phil and Cheryl. Because we're going to talk about butthole circumference. No, no, no. A lot. I thought we were going to be different tonight. We're going to be so chill. Yeah, I thought we were going to be different tonight because his parents are here. Do not. No? Oh, okay.

No, we're not, dude. I know, I know. I know. No, it was dope. We hit up Buffalo Joe's. Yeah. We actually, we saw a dude, this was kind of funny, we saw a dude I went to high school with who now lives on my parents' block and I was like, yo, what up? And he was like, hey. And I go, I'm taking the guys to Buffalo Joe's and as we like pull away,

They just hear like, "Get suicide!" Yeah, which I guess are the flavor of wings we later found out, but I thought he was just telling Durz to kill himself. Yeah, dude! I thought he was just like, "Fuck it, kill yourself." He's like, "There's my buddy Tom!" We never liked you around here. That's partially true. And now you pull up in an uber black, like a pig shot. Stuffed to the brim with dudes in the party. Nah, I mean...

Packed with tons of dude farts. One dude's sitting on the floor. Yeah, one dude's on the floor because there's too many people in this. Fuck it! Took them out of the high school and they had never seen a high school that big before. Dude, your high school looked like a fucking college. Dude, my high school's so big. His high school's insane. I love talking about it at 42.

I bet it felt bigger when you were a kid, huh? Dude, it did. I knew it. I knew it. Well, it is huge. Get over it. Have you guys seen Evanston Township High School? Okay. Fucking massive, dude. Is it big? Yeah, it is. It's very big. We can turn this into 45 minutes. I promise you. Wild Kits. Hey, Mike. All right. Bad name for a school. The Wild Kits. Wild Kits.

Dude. Debatable. I know where you're coming from. I hope I get stabbed tonight. They're like, wow, kids, motherfucker. Represent. We're the second show into our tour and Adam already gets stabbed outside. For offending a high school student.

Hey, remember what you said about them kits? Kit that, motherfucker! Man, seeing that thing on your head right now is having flashbacks to when we filmed and you were in pain riding that bicycle. Oh, well, it's legit super hard. They're like real teeth. Can you hear that? We can't really hear it. But when he hits it, it makes a little knocking sound. It kind of hits me in the back of the head and makes me bleed a little. Yeah.

It's cool. That's what the buzz balls are for. Take the pain away. Physical and emotional. I'm a little bummed because we made that shit up. The bear coat. That was our shit. I like to think so. Now Taylor Swift wears the bear coat. We get no love from it. Now you're going to get stabbed by Taylor Swift fans, Adam. Be careful. No, I'm saying I love Taylor Swift. We all love her. You can't offend T-Swift.

I'm just saying maybe she should show some love if she's wearing our bear coat. Name five Taylor Swift songs. One where she's a bad guy. That's five. Is that her? One where she's like, bitch, don't

Do not stop the music. Wait, what? One where she's like, I'm a slave for you. Wait a minute. That's a good one by T-Swift. Wait a minute. And then one where she's wearing a fuzzy hat and saying virtual insanity. Oh, right, right, right. Shut up, bitch. That's an old T-Swift song. And then the fifth one was I Saw the Sign. I saw the sign.

Some of my favorite T-Swift fans songs. Did it open up your eyes? You lose! It did. Nice, nice. I saw it. I think you were referencing Jamiroquai. Is that what you were thinking? The last one, yeah. And then before that it was a few other people. The whole thing. Wait, the first four weren't her? My radar went off when you said the fuzzy hat. I'm like, that's Jamiroquai. But the rest weren't her? So it's really good to be here in Chicago. Slaves!

No, Blake. The rest weren't her, dog. Dude, I didn't know that. Dude, I literally said, please don't stop the music, which is a Rihanna song. Which I sang in the first Pitch Perfect movie. And what did that sound like? Oh, you want to see it? I want to try the bop bop bop. You keep talking about it. You want to see it? Might as well shout to him. Please don't stop the music. Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop.

This is just like everyday. He's going. I'm making my way over to my favorite place. He just starts doing it. I gotta get my body moving, shake the stress away. A simple melody. You can just be sitting around eating lunch and he'll break into it. Hey, you know what Adam? Can everybody in the balcony see what this guy's eyes look like? He's in sex mode. Give it to him.

Sexy guys always have a ton of shit in their mustache. The fact that you didn't go to a huge high school and you still have that swag is crazy. To me. I have a TikTok burner account so I can check out what the teens are up to. Creepy. I followed your suit. You had one. Well, I'm not going to admit it in front of people. Right now you've got to hit the

Naked grandma! No, you have to hit, oh yeah, the bitch. Oh, well, you know that will take me a really long time. Yeah, no, that's going to take a while. Yeah, yeah, okay. You were saying? About cool sexy dudes. Yeah. On TikTok. They're great. I think we could pull that off. Have you seen the TikToks where it's just like a bunch of guy with like floppy hair like this? Right. And then they just do this in the camera. They just go, here, stand up. Yeah, standing up now.

Oh shit. Okay. Okay. Hold up. This is what kids think are sexy now. Hot, hot, hot, hot. Yeah, to me it's a little sexy too. It's sexual. It's super sexual. I don't know if that would have flown at my high school. No? How big was it?

There was like 2,000 kids. Yeah, probably not then. Yeah. Yeah, small. I think that's the difference of generation. I think nowadays you just have to have floofy hair. You got to be really hot. Admittedly, those kids are really hot. Floofy. Wait, what is floofy? Because that triggered me, Adam. When I hear floofy hair, that's what I was yelled at me. Have you found the oh yeah, the bitch button yet? Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Well, floofy hair is what you say. It's a floof. Just do your job. You know, I don't know, oh yeah, the bitch, where it is, Adam. We're going to just chill and wait for this. It's all right. Just kill some time. Oh yeah, the bitch. There we go. All right, here he goes. I think he's... No, I didn't find it. No, I can't find it. I think I lost it on the flight.

So we've been having fun. This is only the second date of our little tour that we're going on. We're going to go to like 29 cities. Thank you. Which is, you know, fucking absurd. Basically, we're on strikes. We're like, let's go to every city in America. Except for Florida. Fuck Florida. Oh, shit. Nobody here likes Florida. That's right. Wait, don't you guys realize you're going to retire there? And we're recording this and they're going to hear it. Yep, it's right here.

And I'm sorry, I know we have fans in Florida. They're the good ones. What are you doing now? But fuck the rest of that state. Unless we do decide to go there. This is the third person who's going to stab you outside. You're getting stabbed by a Wild Kit, a Swifty, and a Flowrider. Apple bottom jeans, motherfucker. Actual Flowrider. Bitch with the fur. Is Flowrider still...

Flo Rida? How is he? I don't know, I haven't talked to him in a while. It's been a minute. Oh yeah. Well, admittedly when I first saw his back tattoo, it says "Flo - Rida." I think that's the right use of hyphen, is it, Ders? Yeah. Yeah. Dash? I was like, this guy is a fucking genius. Why? 'Cause it says "Florida." Oh shit.

Oh, shit. Wait, what? Shut up. Shut up. You haven't found the other bitch? You can be serious right now. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There you go. End day it is. Sorry, I legit think my brain is like sizzling. It's like scrambling from how hot I am. Take it off, Blake. Please take it off. Yeah, just get cozy, brother.

Do you guys want to see it? Do you need a hand, dude? They want to see it. You got it? Yeah, I think so. That's one of a kind. Dude, he looks like that bear that went viral the other day. It's an ancient... Remember that? The bent over bear? Oh, shit! I don't know that he needed to, but... Thank you. Thank you, Blake. See, now I don't know what's going on now.

Oh yeah, the bitch. And Durz. Oh, and he found it. And Durz, are you now bummed that your mom is going to leave your dad for Blake? I mean, it all checks out. Look at this guy. Shale, feel free to claim your prize. He's right here. You know what? Don't please. It'll just get confusing for my children. Please take my dick.

Whoa, Blake was the grandpa? Blake was the grandpa? We're crossing all the lines. Yeah, Blake's the grandpa. Blake's the step-grandpa. Here we go. That's cool. That's excellent. Who's this guy? I feel like you were born to be a step-grandpa. Yeah, you would be great at that.

So fun. Dude, you don't meet a lot of new step-grandpas. Yeah, you don't meet a lot of them, no. My kids already have a step-grandpa. They do? Is he as cool as Blake? He's pretty cool. His step-dad is step-grandpa.

Right? Yeah. That's how that tracks. Yeah. A lot of people have step-grandpas. Right. But they're not as cool as... A ton of people have them. But they're not as young and cool as Blake. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I think we need to normalize... They're not 27. Hot as fuck, basically 40-year-old men dating 70-plus-year-old women. Fuck it! Fuck it. I like it.

doing live. Nice. We've done one show. We were in Boston a couple nights ago. What, are you going to say fuck Boston now? Fine, go for it, Adam. Well, no, basically the trick when you go on tour is you have to say fuck every other city but the city you're in. Yeah, yeah.

So fuck Boston. Even though we did have a great time there. I've lost my voice already one show in. Do you have the button yet? Which one? Oh yeah, the bench. Dude.

You can't call yourself the chairman of the board and then not be ready to hit them. The wheelchair of the board. Oh, yeah. When I say that. Okay, I'll give you points for that. Yes, points. Dude, you guys are putting me to task today. Jesus, fuck. Blake, Blake, brother, look at me, dude. I love you, man.

Thanks, man. I appreciate that. I love you. I know you need this right now. I love you, brother. Thank you. I appreciate that, Kyle. The bitches have found each other once again. Yeah, the bitches need to just have eye contact for a second. Yeah, man. Just check in, make sure you're good. I feel good. Yeah, I feel good. Bitches are cool now. All right? Assholes, do your thing. This is what we do. Go ahead, assholes. Do your thing.

We were doing it. I just needed to pause for a memento. I ordered food. Our manager's last name is Horn, but with an E. And...

H-O-R-N-E? Mm-hmm. Confusing. And... Yeah. So I ordered some food, and we're staying at a nice hotel. But they won't know which Doubletree we're at. Yeah. With them hot cookies when you check in? Yeah, yeah. Boy. And I ordered some food, and they dropped it off, and they go, thank you, Mr. Hornay. Hornay! That is so...

Excellent. Do I look like a Frenchman? That's kind of tight. Is that what language you think that comes from? Yeah. You just assume ornée is French? I don't think that sounds French at all. Ornée? Well, I guess gourmet. That's kind of French. Is gourmet French? I don't know, but... Y'all are so dumb. I would imagine we got to this. You're a stupid dumbass. What do you think it is? I don't know what I think it is. Well, for sure it's not a real...

French. It's not a real French word, "Hornet." No, I stand corrected. I said "Gourmet," dude. I think that's French. I corrected myself. I fucked up. How did you pull that so fast? Huh? How did you pull "Gourmet" so fast? I don't know. I like that that's, when you think of a French word, you just think of an English word. Well, that's what I'm, that's what I'm tripping on right now. But I don't know if it's, yeah.

Where does it, where does it, this is interesting, where does it derive from? I don't know where gourmet comes from. Does anybody know? Does anybody know where the word gourmet comes from? We need the etymology. I'm worried they're as dumb as we are. It's France. It's French. It's French. This mouse, this mouse just said it's French. French, yes. Ratatouille, Ratatouille said it's French. Thank you, whiskers. See?

So Adam, boom, dude. It's French. Nice, dude. Why are you being such an asshole? I know, dude. Oh, I just had to try the asshole on. You know what I mean? I had to see what it felt like. The cloak of assholedom. Try on the asshole. How was it? I need to see how the asshole felt. It felt kind of good. Hey, pause, fam. That's a pause. What's up? No, I'm just trying to say cool shit now, like how we're starting to say, like, say less and shit.

Did you say pause fam? Yeah, I said pause. We are trying to up our cool hip lingo, so we are saying say less a lot more. Which is cool and hip? Is that what say less is? Kyle, say less, bro. I don't think that's cool and hip to say less. It is cool. It's undeniably cool. Okay, alright. It's untimely cool? Undeniably. It's a three-syllable word.

Yeah. Yes it is. And basically for those of you that much like me up until a few weeks ago I had never heard it. It just means like yo shut the fuck up you bitch. Right? No. It means it goes without saying. Say less. Okay. Right. Right. And it's really cool to like say it loud at an airport so people hear us and they're like look at those cool guys go on that plane.

It's just us screaming, "Say less!" to each other. They're like, "Hey, do you want a water from the Hudson News?" "Say less!" Those guys think they're cool, but they are so choogy. No, we'll just do anything for clout. There you go. We know that about you, Blake. Even knowing the word "clout" seems kind of fucking... Say less, dude.

Say less. Clout is sick, dude. I want so much clout. I want clout injected into my veins, dude. I know you do, Blake. I wish someone had a skateboard here right now. I could ollie. To see you ollie. That's what I wish we had right now. Hold up, hold up. I bet you Blake could pull an ollie out right now. I don't think I could. No, probably not. Well,

Probably not. Yeah. Doubt it. Not on a carpet, at least. That seems freaking... Isn't it, like, way easier to do on a carpet? Yeah, this would be where you'd want to do it. Because, like, it doesn't roll away, you bitch. But remember... Hey, how do I say this in the nicest way possible? Durs, say less! Too much buildup for me. Leaned in too hard. In fact, you should say less. Fuck! You know? No, you should say less. Leave him alone.

I'm going to say what I want to say. Say less, though. I'll say less if I want to say less. Say a less amount of things, though. Lesser amount of things. Okay? We're just going to ring this one out, aren't we? Oh, yeah. We're ringing it. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. Where did we go last night? We went to a cool bar here in Chicago last night. What was it? We got dinner at the Chicago Athletic Club. Yeah. Okay. We showed up with headbands and running shoes. We were ready to play some racquetball. And we were...

We ate dinner, and then we went to the bar there. Big wedding. Yo, we were definitely sipping on... Malort? Malort, baby. Oh, they got a couple cups of Malort. You're a fucking disaster, my guy. Wait, you guys sip Malort? Or...

But it looks like you're holding a whole ass cup of Malort. Is that... Oh, okay. They shoot it into their veins. So here's the deal. Malort wasn't really a thing when I was living in Chicagoland, which is a fun thing that people in L.A. don't know exists. Is Malort a new tradition that someone... Everyone who just said no is under 35. What is it, though? What is it, though? I'm not drinking it. It's like a liqueur. And everyone says it's like the grossest...

So it's a liquid. The last few times I've been to Chicago over the last like, you know, pre-pandemic, so it was like 10 years ago. But the last time I was here, people were like, you have to drink Malort. You have to have some. And not great. Yeah.

I was like, what tasty treat is this? And I think it's like Chicago wins being like, look at this motherfucker. Is it an elaborate drink? Look at this L.A. motherfucker. And at that time, he didn't even have a dope-ass beard. So he's not to be trusted. And then they give me this drink. I was like, no one drinks this. Also, doesn't taste as bad as people say either. Okay. What side of the aisle are you on, dude?

Just a second ago, you were talking mad shit on this, my lord. You said it hasn't been in these streets for long enough. Yeah, and I'm correct. And then somebody tried to tell me, it's over 60 years old. And I'm like, so am I. That doesn't mean I've been relevant the whole time. It's new. It's the say less of right now.

And I'm very excited for it. For the Chicago handshake, the whole thing. Oh yeah, that shit is fire. It's not that bad. Should we bring it out? Do we have any Malort? I would love to smell it. I'm going to finish the entire bottle right here. Yeah, dude. If we got some Malort. And you're about to meet our manager, Isaac. And if he comes out here not wearing a shirt...

If he comes out here wearing a shirt, you have to boo him. Okay, boo him, boo him. Boo! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Take it off! Come on, man. Come on, man. Give us a peek. Give us a peek at it. Oh. So he's got pink nipples. And professionally, he's my manager. Why should I know that? What has he done?

We've seen every crevasse of that pasty white motherfucker's body. Dude, he has some like really ginger features. And like polar bear fur for chest hair. Go on. Fully white. And what sucks is we obviously all want to see it. Say more. Say more, yes. But he won't show us, which sucks for us. Yeah.

Well, he'll show us. He'll show us. He just wants to show you guys. Okay, so are we pouring up the Malort? Some Jepson's Malort liqueur. Can I open it? Okay, all cheers to that. I just want to read the bottle real quick. And do people say, oh, Malort? Like, oh, Malort. Oh, oh, Malort, we're back again. You have to.

Nobody, no one has said that yet. Malorty, lordy, we're almost 40. Listen, what does this mean? Jepson's Malort has the aroma and full-bodied flavor of an unusual botanical. The cause of diarrhea. What the fuck does that mean? Aren't you the aruguloid? Yeah, no, I think there's plants in this or something. You know like a rotting vegetable? Yeah. Yeah. That's what it smells like. Its bitter taste is savored by two-fisted drinkers. Wait, what?

I don't know, man. I mean, the more you read about it, the more I kind of like it. Yeah, wait, on the bottle it says double fist this shit? That's just rough. Is this how Kyle falls off the wagon? He hasn't drank in like ten years. He's like... Just to see. Just to see. Hey, Adam, pour less.

Hey, wait. Yes, points! I got you for that one. All right. Very nice. Very nice. Adam, you can have mine. Yep. The cause of diarrhea. I like that you filled four just in case I did want to fall off the wagon tonight. What a guy, dude. That's thick. I kind of forgot immediately after.

Is this how it would be so funny? After I said that. I was the worst friend when you were getting sober because I forgot for, I still forgot. Yeah, yeah. For 10 years, I'm like, here, do you want to chug this glass of vodka? And you're like, no. It's been 10 years, brother. I haven't had a drink. Weird. Cheers, guys. Yeah. Cheers to the Chicago Theater and all you guys. Thanks for coming out. We're having a blast already. Yes, you guys rock.

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Oh my god, the botanicals. The rotten botanicals are for two-fisted drinkers. Betangling me. Is it two-fisted because as soon as you drink it, you're just like, I want a bunch of wine! Why did I do that? Look at how hard he's flexing. That's what he felt. We all know what he's doing. I'm out here speaking my truth and trying to get a little cloud out of this situation, bro. There you go.

Damn, that shit is interesting. Yeah, describe it. Describe everything. It's unusual. They say it right on the bottle. They're like, you won't know how to explain it. Right. They're like, somehow if Jägermeister was different and also worse, but maybe also better. Right. It says that. Yeah. I feel like, actually, I think what that is is if you only drink Jägermeister and you piss into a toilet, that's your urine. Right.

Oh, that's the filtering process of the Malort? Yes. That makes a lot. But the man has to weigh 300 pounds. He has to be a big, beefy boy. A Willy Wonka's chocolate factory where there's just Oompa Loompas slamming Jaeger into the river. That's the movie I would like to see as a hard R. And Blake is Mikey Malort and he's like, Welcome, children!

Children. He acts like he's crippled and then does a somersault. Wait, why am I letting... In every bottle, there's a golden shower. Yes. But in order to open, it's all with bottle caps. In order to open it, he has to shove it up his asshole. He has to. He has to shove it up his asshole. Hey, guys, and this is the creative minds behind Workaholics. This is how we get there.

This is how the magic happened in our writers room. Tight butthole, loose butthole. Tight butthole, loose butthole. That was the best. While shooting Workaholics, especially when we started, it was like, I don't know, maybe the fifth, second or third episode that we said tight butthole. And how early on people were just, you're out at the grocery store.

buying some arugula salad. Oh yeah, baby. And someone just is like, tight butthole! Yeah, it's fucked up. Right, it's like equally endearing and amazing and you feel the love. And at the same time, you're so embarrassed. It's just hard to explain to your parents because when people see you and they're like... Did you just crush your testicles? What happened? I did. You Belvedere'd it? I don't want to...

What just happened? Dude, I crushed my testicle. He was saying right before we came out, he was like, these pants are kind of fitting weird. I don't know what's going on. Well, I'm fat as fuck now. I don't know if you guys have noticed. Hey, come on, man. Be nice to you. I weigh more than you, dude. You're not, dude. I got a good shot right here. You're just fat. I can't stop eating. Your boobs are huge.

No, Ders has the nice titties in our crew. Let's not get it twisted. I'm not twisted. Dude, when I used to hang out with my folks, they'd be like, yo, where's the rape van? That's not very fun when you got a four and a two-year-old kicking away. You're just holding two little kids' hands and they're like, where's the rape van? Did you show up in the rape van, bro? Parked outside? Funny. That's life. It was pretty funny back then, though.

Where's that slide? I'll piss now. All right. What are you pissed about? That I'm not drinking more Malort, baby. Fill me up. Do you really want more or are you just saying it? Are you just saying that? I'll take a little more Malort, please. Was it just a thing to say or... Wow. I wouldn't just say that because a bunch of people that I want their freaking love are staring at me. I just want to say...

If you drink anymore, it's not going to be Chicago Handshake anymore. It's a Chicago handjob. Oh! Okay? Double-fisted Chicago handjob. Here we go. Well... Ziggy Zoggy. My lord. Oh, my lord. Lordy, lordy. It gets better. Lordy, lordy. Dude, when we go to the Rainforest Cafe after this, they're kicking your ass out.

There's no doubt in my mind. Dude, I do love that there... Is that the last remaining Rainforest Cafe? All the other rainforests have been cut down. Oh, shit. It's crazy. Deforestation. We drove past a Rainforest Cafe here in Chicago, and I was like, whoa, I thought those died in, like, 1999. Yeah. But evidently, the Chicagoland area loves some Rainforest Cafe. Hell yeah. Chicago! Chicago!

They're calling us hoes. We're not hoes. We're married men. We're not hoes. I think they're saying it's closed. I think they're saying it turned into a hose. And now they're saying show your chest. Guys! That fucking sucks. Why is it still adorned with dirt frogs? It's still very rainforest-y. Yeah, that's not fair. They should definitely take the giant mushroom and gorilla down. After this, let's all go and tear the animals off the rainforest.

Dude. I would love that that's how we all get arrested. They led a gang of 4,000 people. They're like,

To the old Rainforest Cafe and vandalized it. It says they're freeing the animals. They just blew through Mexican Independence Day and went straight for the Rainforest Cafe. Dude, it was going off last night. It was going off. I was like, they're really independent. Oh, hell yeah, dude. But, you know, to be honest, I'm a little peeved with Mexico right now.

Say less. Wait, whoa. They're like, cut his mic. Cut his mic. This is it. No, no, no. Guys, hear me out. No, no, no, no. I want to hear it. Yeah, me too, actually. You went out of your way to say something. What's good, bud? Do your thing. Bro, the fucking aliens they presented us a couple days ago. What the fuck was that? What about it? Hey, is that the dust thing? Is that the dust thing?

The dusty ass E.T.? The little paper mache fucking... That guy's fucking sick. What is the story behind that? What's the story between it? I feel like the nations came together and they're like, yo, we're gonna do this sick ass alien rollout.

United Nations, Ders. What else? Come on. They're like, we're going to do this sick little alien rollout. And like, okay, US is like, okay, we're going to drop some footage and say like, we didn't know what that was. And then Mexico's like, fuck it. We actually have bodies. We have bodies. And so you have beef with them? Our algorithms are different.

My algorithm is mostly just teenagers fighting in high school bathrooms. I swear, I look at my Instagram, it's just teenagers fighting in bathrooms. It's kind of tight. It is tight.

So you're saying that Mexico has an alien... Does it look like what we think is an alien? It looks like a little dust dude. It looks like when E.T. was getting sniffed by the raccoons. Yeah. It was like an official presentation. It was like, these are aliens.

But this is right after, wasn't there a whole back and forth with aliens? Like they're real a couple months ago and now they're not? Right, yes. Is that right? They were like Navy fighter pilots said they... The ones that moved around like that. They were like... I don't know exactly how they moved. You know what I mean? And see, this is why I'm confused. Why like CNN or Fox News or whoever haven't contacted us to be the new anchors. Right, because I saw something flying around like this and I was told that that was an

The way we succinctly describe something that everyone can follow, it's... But then they said, no, no aliens. It's gone. It's not real. It's not real, Bam. It's not real. I got that one pretty quick. I'm heating up that... He's got his thing going, I guess. Stop. Just let me finish. So...

Then Mexico said, "Here's a little dust dude, and this is from another planet." Yes, they said this is like not of this earth. Don't do that for him. Bye, bitch. You wanna see it? Nobody. This is how he breaks backs, okay? No, it's alright. I'm just putting it there. I'm not saying you have to. It's just there. I wonder how much, m'lord, it would take you to break your back again for this nice crowd.

Yeah, see, that's what I'm talking about. Because Blake does get bullied into doing crazy things. I don't know if you know this about him. He broke his back because a bunch of teenagers, the kids from Odd Future, Tyler, the Creator, and all those kids, they were children when we were partying with them at our house. They were of age. They were of age, though.

They were 18, 19. 13, 17. Were they 17? They were that little? Little Taco was nine. I carried him around. You had to pick him up. Hollywood talk. And they were like...

dared Blake to jump off the roof and he's like, I'll fucking do it. And they're like, okay. No, no, no, no, wait. Okay, 30-year-old man, jump off this roof. And these kids are all still like cartilage, so they're like, they're invincible. Yeah, how did that go down? They were like, hey, what happened, Blake? No, dude, they were yelling at like, there was another teenager on the roof that was like, I'm gonna do it. And then,

He was like, oh, I have a whole future ahead of me. Not an odd one, a nice one ahead of me. And he stepped away from the ledge and I'll give myself points. Yes, points! He stepped away from the ledge and the party was kind of like, oh, that sucks. We thought we were going to see someone. The party was really let down that no one jumped off our roof.

Onto just the ground. It wasn't like into a pool. Well, onto a beer pong table. It could have been a real epic slam. Well, that's what I thought. I thought I was going to boom shakalaka NBA jam a fucking ball through a table, but I just went feet first. Yeah, you forgot to heat up. I wasn't heating up. He forgot to heat up.

Yeah, so... Can we do another Bud Light? Yeah, BLs. Hell yeah. A round of BLs, please. And please have your shirt off. Yeah, I don't know if you guys can tell, Blake's sideburns are Rainforest Cafe wet, and his back... Give me the shirt off your back real quick. Dude, yeah. Dude. Whoa. Whoa.

It's a fuck. It was the bear coat. I'm telling you, it's bad. It's like a fucking. Did he take his shirt off? Funky ass Rorschach. I can't turn my head. Yeah, that's really wet, though. That's actually I might. Thank you, Isaac. I might be dehydrated. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, that must be it. It's dehydration. Hell yeah. He said six beers before the show. Yes, points. Tusha.

So when Blake jumped through the beer pong table, it was a Comedy Central branded beer pong table. Mm-hmm.

That they had given us for doing season one of Workaholics. That's one of the big perks. A lot of people get nice watches or cars when they have a hit TV show. We get one beer pong table. And we were stoked. Actually, we would have hated watches. We'd be like, what the fuck are we going to do with this? I can't tell time. That's my thing. It's true, Durst can't tell time. It's very weird. I can now. It's 827. 28. 28.

Oh, good job. There's a clock right there. It's a digital clock right there, yeah, just for everybody. He didn't even look at the hands. But I do keep it analog on my watch to learn how. Just to practice. But it's weird when my nine-year-old's like, what time is it? And I'm like, and he just grabs my arm. And I'm like, I was going to know.

You said it would go nuts when it was too loud. Does it also say, like, yo, you have Malort in your system? It should. You have unusual levels of Malort coursing through your veins right now. Oh, Malort. Oh, Malort. The biggest Malort fan? Yeah. Her name's Jessica Malort. She's like, ah! No, it is good. Blood Malort.

What was that one? Diarrhea. Diarrhea. Why don't you just play all the diarrhea ones real quick for my parents? Diarrhea. Diarrhea. Diarrhea. The cause of diarrhea. This is just for my parents who never listen to the podcast. It's mostly about diarrhea. Diarrhea. That's a goodie. Where are your folks? Can we get a Bud Light spotlight on them?

An unofficial Bud Light spotlight. I did see your brother. Eric is in the building. Say, what up, Ice Dog? Ice Dog. What up, Ice Dog? Ice Dog. I will say that that must... I know that we have really cool jobs, but I think one of the only jobs that's better is the person who's in charge of those diarrhea commercials. Right. Who gets to put, like, some spicy jazz...

You're saying like the ad execs? The advertising executives? Or like the jingle singer? No, the advertising executive who's like, "Yeah, spice it up." Yeah, I like this first cut of the diarrhea track, but maybe add a couple jingles in there. Honey, at work we nailed it today, so it's gonna be like a salsa diarrhea thing. We're pretty amped about it. Diarrhea. That's great, honey. That's awesome. Well, what they really need to do is get Taylor Swift on the track.

Let's get her version. Yeah, I think that's every advertising. It was like, so we think Taylor Swift could help us. Yeah. So do we have Taylor in the budget? So imagine Taylor Swift. I heard something. I heard she wanted to do a diarrhea commercial. The thing about diarrhea is everyone's had it. Correct. It's the swiftest of the BNs. It's universal. It goes right through your throat.

There's no way. And at the very end, you just gotta shake it off.

There's no way you can live a life without having diarrhea, right? You have to have that at some point in your life. My life? Anybody's life. 15 minutes. Okay, wait. Guys, raise your hand if you've had diarrhea. Let's see. By a show of hands. Wow. Holy shit. That's a lot. Now, my question is a little bit of the inverse. Can you please raise your hand if you have not had diarrhea? Okay.

Bullshit! Get the fuck out! Prove it! Show me your asshole! You've never had diarrhea. You've never had diarrhea. This guy's showing his ass! What the fuck? He's never had diarrhea. That guy just stood up and showed us his hairy asshole. Excuse me, security? Shave his butthole. Check his butthole for diarrhea. We just got mooned.

I know. You just mooned us. He's bringing it back. We got to start talking about lactating tits more often or something. Right. So we can see breasts. I didn't mind that, though. That was cool. I know it was cool. You don't have to. It's cool. I feel like you're getting greedy. I know. Come on. Let's just appreciate. Be happy. You got some hams. Yeah. I'm just saying...

He always wants more. 90% of the naked body parts we see are men's hairy asses. And I just want some spice in my life. I get it. But also, let's just take a moment of gratitude and be stoked that we just got mooned at their show. That's tight. Well, we're not at the moment of gratitude portion of the show quite yet. It's an early moment of gratitude. Thank you. I would...

Thank you. Personally, I would like to give flowers. That was the most courteous round of applause. Was that a smattering? I would like to give flowers. Oh, hey, whoa, whoa. Don't even go there. Wait, wait, wait. I would like to give flowers to men showing me their hairy assholes.

And for the people that don't know, we used to do a thing at the end of the podcast where we give flowers to people that are still alive, that we respect, that we want to show them some love and appreciation. And we started doing that. They all did.

They're all dead. I think it's literally in the double digits of people that we've been like, God, they were so good. Let's give them flowers. And then they died. Yes. Yeah, but I'd like to do an early take back and take back the flowers of dudes' butts because I personally... Well, you can't take back...

what I said. I can take back what you said. I think that I can do that. We've known each other for long enough that I should be able to do that. Well, you can't, no, you cannot take back what I've said. But I can take back what comes across our airwaves, right? Are you still here? It's full ownership. Yeah. Dude, I'm here, bro.

The cause of diarrhea. So you say that, but I would still appreciate it. Okay? I didn't mind it. Okay. Cool, Kyle. That's great. Is it okay? Thanks, guys. I guess it's fine. Thank you very much. Thank you. And I will say that no shots fired against that man's hairy asshole. And I'm glad that he showed a crowd of like 3,500 people. But no, they didn't see it.

No, it was just for us. We saw it. It was a special little treat for us. She saw it. Yeah. Who saw it? A couple other people. Hey. No, you didn't. Hands up for people that saw that man's hairy ass. Here it goes again. Okay. There it is. He saw it. That man looks like a substitute teacher on the loose. What is going on? Yeah, that man looks like when you get him as a sub, you sit on your hands. You're like...

And what does that mean? That means you're being so fucking good, you're not doing shit, dude. Wait, what did you say, though? You sat on your hands? You guys didn't, when you were in trouble as a kid, you'd have to sit on your hands so you're not constantly jerking off. What's the deal? What's happening here? Adam, you're gonna have to sit on your hands. Kyle! I'm just trying to sit on my hands. That does not look good. I'm just trying to sit on my hands. Whoa!

Bro! What is the problem? Yo! Look, if I cover it with the brim, does it look like something else? That's kind of cool. Wait, do that again. That actually leads me to believe...

That you've tried that before. That did look... That looked very natural. That came real natural. I've been doing yoga. There's a reason. I'm gonna go do yoga, honey. I need to go work on my position. I'll be in the shower doing yoga. Honey, do not come in here. I'm doing yoga. No, it's naked yoga. I do naked yoga. Yoga!

Yeah, there's no way I could reach, bro. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, you got to be big. You got to be big. This is my favorite part of doing the live shows is like, you know, we go on these weird, gross tangents about sucking your own dick while doing yoga. Not that weird. And then you look out and just see people that are like. Yeah, like my parents' friends who came here tonight to be like, we're just interested in seeing what it's all about. What?

You know, we're interested to see what Anders does for a career. You know what? I did see they raised their hands when we asked who had diarrhea. I appreciate that. My parents, hands down. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I don't know about you guys, but I feel this year has gone by so quickly. I became a father this year. Can you believe that, guys? Huge. And the baby that I named Bo is growing bigger every day. Let me tell you, life goes by like

That. So fast. So it's important to take a moment to celebrate your wins and make adjustments for the rest of the year. I agree. And therapy can help you take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months.

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And that is weird that people that are like dying on the, would you say dying on the flag? Is that what you said? No, you jump, you fall on the sword. You die on the hill. I'm going to die on the hill. Yes. Are dying on the hill of never having diarrhea in their entire lives. Yeah, that's not the flag you want to fart on. Have you never had malort?

It goes hand in hand. I hope to all the people that have never had diarrhea in this room, I hope that one day you get it. Just so that you can have a full human experience. Right. You're not relatable. It's like having never had McDonald's. Sure. You have to have it once. You gotta try it. You know what's weird is that with this rise in Malort, I know you guys dye the river green, but I imagine some days that aren't St. Patrick's Day, the river's just green.

Just that malort diarrhea. Everybody had it. Sunday morning, the river's looking a little green. How long does the river stay green once they die a green? How long, guys? I'm hearing all sorts of things. Three days. Three days? Three days. That's pretty cool. One week. One week, this guy seems like he's a cop. Seems like he knows the exact date. He's like, it's one week, and I'm cracking skulls if it isn't.

That shit better be back to brown, baby. How the fuck does that work? How do you dye that much water? We don't have to go into it, but I'm going to look on Google. Yeah, let's go into the science of it. That seems to be a lot of fucking water, dude. But anyways. Dude, I love how you're like our smartest friend. You're the Donatello, purple pants. I...

Give it up for fucking Donatello, okay? Thank you. He really does not get enough praise if it wasn't for him. They wouldn't have had the turtle bus. No, Donatello is sick. And that's huge, okay? Donatello is sick. He was really smart, dude. Yeah. Donnie rocks. But he also kicked ass, dude. The bo staff. Bo staff kicks butt. And in the new Turtles, he's like into improv, right? Is that him that's into improv or Mikey? Mikey.

I don't know. Did you see the movie? I saw it. I don't really remember anything about it except for the fact that Ice Cube played a New Yorker, which just disturbed me. Yeah, Ice Cube was like Superfly. But that's exactly how Durr's brain works. He watched the whole movie and then he gets out and he goes, Ice Cube is from California. Why is he playing a New Yorker? I lean down to my son and I go, that movie was stupid. Here's why.

Ice Cube's one of the most famous Californians ever. He's playing a New Yorker. It's fucking stupid, Gavin. McCarr. I'll piss now! That's a real dad lean right there. That was a real dad lean. Jesus. Could have been RZA. Could have been Method Man.

That would have been so dope. If Method Man was the fly, no one's seen this movie in the audience. I don't even know what the fuck you guys are talking about. Ninja Turtles. It's the new Ninja Turtles that they did with the wild animation. Seth Rogen produced it. I only watch teenagers fighting in bathrooms. Our algorithms are different. It's pretty exclusively what I've been watching.

Different algorithms, you know? It's hard to get in the same space. And especially the girls. These girls... Oh, damn. The guy fights, they're pretty good. But the girl fights, they're actually trying to murder each other. Oh, yeah. And the hair game, they just won't let go. And you're like...

Did you see the urinal one the other day? It was like these girls were fighting at a music festival and they just like dragged a girl into the urinal. Yeah, like the porta potty. Yeah. Yeah. She like started getting down. She just pushed her right back in. That was... That was... Did it fall? Everyone get your phones out. Just look it up real quick. So it seems like this crowd doesn't watch a lot of teenagers fighting videos and that's weird to me. Get your shit together, Chicago. Get your shit together.

Do you guys not have bathrooms? So it was... This one specifically was a music festival, and there was all these porta-potties. And you don't know why it started, but it was like, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. And then it was like... Yeah. There's like two girls that are really going at it, and then they kind of go towards another porta-potty. And then a girl just opens up the porta-potty. Yes. You know, she's a little... Everyone's a little embarrassed when they come out of those things. They're like, ah...

And then people are filming and a full-on fight breaks in. Oh, no. Now she's stuck in the corner. She steps aside. They go into her porta potty and she's like, what the fuck is happening? Yeah, but then isn't there like a third porta potty where a girl just comes out like Undertaker and just fucking powerbombs? Yes. Like, you thought the fight was going one way and then door number three opens and she's just like, RUN!

It just closed lines. Wait, she came from the porta-potty to engage us in battle? Everybody's coming out of porta-potties. It was her friend. And then there was another girl. And she was in there pissing or whatever. Yeah, and she came out, saw her friend in the other porta-potty fighting, and then she was like... She's definitely... Do the dirt. She's definitely like...

Listening to the fight and she's like, as soon as I finish with this diarrhea, I'm coming out and I'm stone cold stuttering grass. But the best part of the video was this girl who was like, oh my God, stop fighting. No, don't. And then that friend who was like, saw that and she thought that she was trying to fight and just beat the shit out of this girl. I know. Oh.

That's why you just gotta let it happen. This is why the internet is better than anything we can ever write. And that's why we're striking. Should we do the Q&A? Yeah. You guys wrote us some questions. You guys wrote some Qs. We got some As. This is producer Anna. Give it up. Pretty fast. Pretty fast.

Okay, hey a hard-hitting question from my boy Vince Vince no not that Vince There's no way for sure a different Vince. That's a good drop Dude, I knew this kid named Vince that He was so dumb. It was so funny He was so dumb. I love the kid he Went he his neighbor goes. Hey, can you give me a ride to the bank and he's like, okay

And he takes his neighbor to the bank. His neighbor goes in and robs the bank. And then comes out with bags of money. He's like, drive. And then he was a getaway driver. So that's my friend Vince. Wait, I'm sorry. What? This was early 2000s. So this is like L.A.? No, he lived in, I believe, Chicago. I just called him an idiot, so I don't...

necessarily want to say exactly where he lived but his name was Vince and I went to high school with him and he was a fucking moron okay and he was he did he would do this impression which in hindsight pretty funny we would get really stoned and he'd go he'd be on the couch and he'd go hey hey what am I I don't know dude what are you and then he'd go I'm a ham sandwich

See, no, that's legendary shit. I remember you telling me that, and that's still fucking funny. So this Vince guy rocks. He seems like a good guy. So I take it back. He's cool as shit. And maybe that's him back there. That's an early take back. So Vince wants to know, who is the best at twerking? Twerking? Vince, you dog. Blake, hit him with it. You want me to twerk? I do want you to twerk right now. Hold on. Cue up a good twerking song.

Yeah, we could do that. Twerkaholics, everyone. Yeah, we could do that. Yes, points! Here we go. Get ready for some twerkaholics. Let me give him some points. Yes, points! Thank you for the points. Okay. Appreciate it, brother. Let's see what we can do. Oh, shit! Yeah. And that's with a broken back. That's with a broken back. Yep. Get that hot footy. Do we need to stop the music? Get in there. Wow. All right, come on. You're done. You're done. You're done. Dersh, come on.

- Well, you know what? Come on, Dursey. I feel like, hang on, hang on, hang on. - Hit him with it. - Yep. Yep. Kyle. Kyle. - Yeah. - Hit him with it. - Get low. Get low. Get low, get low, get low. - Oh my gosh. - Adam, hit him with it. - Watch out. Watch out.

Watch it hit, brother. Watch it hit, brother. Oh, wait, whoa. Whoa. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It could be real. Just to let you guys know. Hold on. Hold on. What he is sacrificing here, he had surgery like 10 days ago. I did. I did. Yeah, you good? I did. And he's going to have surgery again now. I did. That hurt a lot. That did hurt. That's my lords for you. Woo. Woo.

So you be the judge, huh? Hey Blake, Caleb wants to know, what's your favorite buzz ball flavor? Because they all fucking suck. Agreed. What's the least gross? What's the least gross buzz ball flavor? Well, I'm on record as, and it's a real subtle, it's Crayon Blaster.

It's Cranblaster. But I also really love Limerita. That one's pretty good, too. That's like a classic. What was the first Buzzball flavor? The first ever Buzzball flavor? Yeah. Blake also manages the Wikipedia page. I'm like, huh. It's probably Limerita, right? I have no clue. I have no clue. Okay. You should know this kind of shit. Ryan R. would like to know, what did you guys use to make it look like you had real boners in the bodybuilding episode?

Dildos. Like dildos. Dildos. Hard dildos. Yeah. I bet you could have gotten to the bottom of that one, Ryan. Yeah, like a frozen hot dog? It's science. What'd you use?

Like a bunch of carrots? Yeah. Like a real skinny, weak potato. Also, dude, it's just been keeping me awake, dog. Like, what did you use for those boners, man? Hey, we're going to the show, and I'm going to find out finally, honey. No, no, no. They stayed hard for every take. Honey, no, we're going to lose the house. We can't afford tickets. We can't spend any money right now. I have...

You remember when that episode came out ten years ago and I'm like, what are these dicks? What could it possibly be? I think I know how I'm going to find out. You know what though, tonight Embed is going to be like, I fucking told you. It was dildos. I knew it. I like how he told her. He was like, I bet it's dildos. And she's like, I don't know. There's no way they're picking your dumbass question. Whoopsie.

Alex M., how do you fully embrace who you are with no fears of judgment? Oh, well. That's right. Oh, he's got the malort. Yeah, okay. That helps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, I love that a lot of these people just put their last initial because they're ashamed. Yeah. Alex M. was like. Friends help. Friends help.

Oh, your answer is really nice. I can't hold up a mowart and be like, that's how I do it, so I'm over here. I'm going to save my friends. Why are you working on your net, girl? I don't know, dude.

Yeah, that's right. You know what? Friends do help. Friends do help. Friends are the best. Honestly, when you have three friends that are also doing stupid shit, you're like, yeah, fuck it, let's do it. We are very fortunate. I say this all the time, and my wife agrees. She's like, the fact that you get to do what you do with your best friends and people like it, because...

It's really fucking stupid and silly and immature. And the fact that people enjoy it is truly incredible. So thank you guys. I'm not crazy.

It's smart to us though. I've been emo all day dude. I feel like it's dripping right now. Really? I'm not crying. I am. If you cry, I will be super pumped. I know, I know. Why'd you cry about it? They've been hanging right there all day. Can I do this? Can you guys still see my legs? So name, Kevin Miller, full name. Whoa, what a boss. Kevin Miller says, Do you love him? I like to finger my own butthole. Is that weird?

No, dude, it's chill. No, he didn't say that. Oh. No, he didn't say that at all. Kevin Miller of Cicero says, This is the way. What is the origin story of Naked Grandma?

Naked grandma's family feud, right? Naked grandma! It's like a viral clip of a dude after Steve Harvey was like, what's something you wouldn't want to see in a house if you're a robber? And the dude hits the dinger and screams, Naked grandma!

Hey, that m'lord's hitting, buddy. You got a slow trigger finger. That's the exact time it takes. Because your shoulder hit it before your finger did. You went... Dude, I literally missed. I literally missed. I'm seeing a lot of keys over here, bro.

Yeah, so Durz and I just did Family Feud, his family versus my family. Yeah, it was tight. It was really cool. Steve Harvey smells better than you would even imagine. You would imagine he smells great. All of a sudden, I was just like, it's like a big studio, and all of a sudden, I was like, is that Brute?

- It was legit. - It was really good. It was really nice. - I would imagine he smells like cinnamon rolls, but I don't know why.

By the way, it's also just cool that people don't know what Naked Grandma's from. Yeah, that is cool. Naked Grandma! Jesus is loud. Way to find it, Blake. Well, what's cool about this, about doing the live show, is for sure there's Workaholics fans that do not listen to the podcast. And they come, and they're going... You don't have to admit it. You don't have to admit it. Not a fan. They're going, what the fuck is happening right now? Yeah.

150-something episodes of just pure wackadoodle schnitzel.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. And that leads us to Paul's question. Did you ever expect this podcast to be this successful? Absolutely not. I'll say it. I was worried about filling 40 episodes or whatever that was. Yeah, it's based on the way he speaks. Yeah, well, it's still... Can't get one sentence out. I'm going to take a nap. I look at it the same way as workaholics, where I'm like, with these dudes, this guy's the limit.

This guy. This guy. Yep. Me? So yeah, we've peaked. What's up? Yeah, Workaholics, we thought maybe it was like two seasons or three seasons. It just kept going.

Dude, when I saw that, I remember when I showed my dad the first set of 10 episodes for Workaholics. And I didn't want to watch it with him because, you know, it's weird just watching your parents watch the TV of you on it. That's like before it was out, huh? I remember I was in your room because we all, me, Blake, and Kyle lived together. And I was kicking in Blake's room waiting for my mom and dad to finish watching. And my dad is howling. And I'm like...

Is he turning into a fucking werewolf in there? And then he comes in and goes, Jesus Christ. And I'm like, is this a good or a bad? And he goes, you remember this? He goes, boys, you got yourselves a hit. That shit's important. Yeah. I remember that. That felt great. Yeah. That felt great.

He just, two days ago, cancer-free, because he got cancer again. He got, he's six months cancer-free again. That's right. Big shout-out to Dennis D. Cancer's a bitch! Fuck cancer! Yeah. Fuck cancer. So Che says... Did you say fuck cancer? That's really cool. Oh yeah, I heard it somewhere. So you don't like cancer? I'm not a big fan. I like that. Okay, that's polycharged.

That shit's important. Hot take, I know. Hot take. So Chase says, I saw rumors of a potential Workaholics Always Sunny in Philadelphia crossover. Was that something that almost happened? Or just a rumor? And then their handwriting got kind of shitty and I don't want to read the rest. It may or may not have already been filmed. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, definitely may or may not have always... Yeah, we haven't done anything. That reminds me of... No. I wasn't even there. They invited you guys on set one day. You weren't there? No. No, I have a pretty successful career. I'm busy a lot of the time. Whoa. Interesting stuff. No, I would have loved to have been there. But...

But no, you guys were just invited to the set, right? We were just saying, we're chatting. Yeah, we chatted up. They're really cool dudes. That reminds me of... Give us your powers. Yeah, they were very cool. That reminds me of when we used to do press early on for Workaholics, and people were like, what fun guest stars are you guys going to have? And that was before anyone wanted to do our show. And so we just said, we may or may not have Denzel Washington next season. That's right. That's right.

We may or may not have dental. And the interviewers would get so excited. I know. Because no one lies. When you do a red carpet, they take you at face value because they think you're just like. Because you're a psycho if you lie because you will get caught. That's why I added the allegedly. They'll legit put it in papers or like write it on the internet and then it becomes true. And then you have to live up to it.

Sorry. You're good, dude. You're good. It's so weird to just say things and then all three of your best friends are looking at you like, stop saying words. Yeah, it's kind of hard to hear you, brother. My bad. My bad. So Cole G wants to know, whose butthole would you want as a picture? This is my kind of guy. Hanging in your house and it can't be your own. Yeah, but...

It can't be your own is the best. As if you're going like, I want my own asshole hanging over my ass. Honestly, I would hang any of your buttholes in my house. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I think it's got to be like really, really close. Like a macro lens. So you're like, oh, is this like a Jackson Pollock sort of splatter? Yeah, you ever go to like the eye doctor and you see those scans of your eyes and you see all the veins and shit? Yes, you're like, wow, a close up of a very, very dark

Yes, I will. A very dark brown eye. You think a butthole looks like your eyeball? No, I'm saying I want to use the same camera that scans it and then it's ultimate resolution. And then you can zoom in so people are like, you study black holes? And I'm like, yeah. Something like that.

Something like that. It's like the end of Men in Black. If you zoom in far enough into a butthole, there's a whole universe. Yes, I want to see that universe and I want that to be front and center while I have my dinner. I do like that because if you have a dinner guest over and they've been looking at it and like, believe it or not, that's Tobey Maguire's asshole. Yeah, you've been studying the ridges of his asshole for the last 15 minutes. It's so detailed.

Tobey Maguire's going to stab you after this. Well, that was my answer. That's the asshole I want. Tobey Maguire may or may not be here tonight. Tobey? Okay, so Danny with an I. She wants to know. Or he. Or them they. I don't know. If you had to fuck one of the squad. What the hell? Our fans are so cool. We've done this.

Who would you choose? I mean, we've talked about it. Come on. This is crass. This is getting to be crass. Okay, this is where I draw the line. I think we should draw the line on this one. Danny, you're sick. Danny, you're sick. You're sick. You're twisted. We're sick and it's Blake. Hey, Cheryl. I'm sorry. That's my mom. Yeah. Terry Bollea. Does anyone else want to answer that or just Adam?

"No, Durs, I'll fuck you." "And you know what Kyle, Kyle, I appreciate that so much, I will also fuck Plague." "Well, dang it." "But thank you." "And also with you." "We've talked about this, the hair, it's a nice thing to hold." "I'll fuck Adam now that he has a finger." "Wait, wait, I'm sorry. What's this?"

Just asking. That, sir, does not have the same volume. Well, you don't want to pull that. That looks brittle as fuck, dude. It's about to snap off. Honestly, I got a clip in there pretty well. Oh, my God. Oh, God. It comes off. It's just like a squirrel on your back. So Andy Olinsky wants to know, who is your favorite wrestler of all time? Who's your favorite what? Wrestler. Wrestler of all time.

Oh, and he said brother? Brother. Okay, okay. I didn't say brother. Who's your favorite wrestler of all times? Brother. And I was like, I don't know, one of the hearts? I really like Coco Beware. He had a parrot. It was fucking cool. Yeah. Google Coco Beware. He's off the fucking chain. Yeah, Coco Beware is cool. I just remember loving Lex Luthor, the narcissist. No, Luger. Lex Luthor is Superman. That's what I said. Drink more Malora, bitch.

Okay, let's go. Favorite wrestler of all time is really hard, man. That is a tough one. There's so many eras. Maybe Scott Steiner. I don't know. Big Papa Pump. But of all time, no. Hulk Hogan. All right, next question. Scott Hulk. Kevin Nash is sick. So this person, they wrote the name and then they just wrote, oh no. Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. Yeah.

Hey, same algorithm. So if that's your actual name and we just made fun of it. Sorry. Favorite Limp Bizkit song. So they are cool. What songs? Favorite Limp Bizkit song. And I know all of them. Please don't stop the music. Yep. Yep. I'm a slave. I'm a slave for you. I'm a genie in a bottle, baby. I know mine.

Come on now. Wait, you said Limp Bizkit. Yes, Blake. This is where he went. Music jokes just don't work. Yes, Blake. I said Limp Bizkit like five times now. Are you looking up? No. Oh, yeah. Let's get some fucking planks of wood and surf the crowd, dude. Looking out into the crowd, you can tell who's about our age.

And who is three years on either side. Because three years on either side, they're going... But weirdly, Ders' mom was like, Nookie, yeah! Ders' mom was playing Nookie when we came in. She was like, oh, sorry, just some light listening music. When I clean the house. For comedic effect. That's true.

I mean, Break Stuff is good, too. Break Stuff is good. Break Stuff is the best. Oh, you know what? I think they have no good songs. Next question. Right. Yeah, like I said, three years the other side, dude. Yeah, it kind of ages like this. Oh, this is dark. I stand by it. How much to suck a dick in 2023? I mean, it just goes back to what we said, $800 plus inflation. Yeah.

Oh, you can do the math. Yeah. Some economists out there. Economists? We got any economists out there? Economists? People out there know how to do that calculation? I don't. All right. What's next? Kyle Tires. So here's a question by Martin. I got a bedtime. I mean, admittedly, guys, these are all bad.

It's a long, it's a huge list of really bad, very dumb questions, mostly involving buttholes come the size of colors of buttholes. Don't blame us. Although we didn't expect much. So this is one of the least crass ones I could find by my boy Martin, whoever he is. Martin. Do you shave your pubes? What the hell? Wait, that's one of the least crass you could find? Yeah, dude. I just went like, I filed through like eight. Wow. Yeah.

Do you shave your pubes? And I don't... I mean, I've seen all of your pubes. I'm pretty sure I have. Not recently, though. Not recently. Not within a shaving cycle. No. What? You haven't seen it within the last shaving cycle? You don't know what I'm at? Huh. Fair enough. I'm just saying you can't say that. You're being weirdly defensive. So one of our sponsors is manscaped.com. Right. And I don't... No, I don't shave...

I don't want to call it a little bowl. Adam just takes full fistfuls and pulls it out. He rips it. I don't shave. I rip it. In the cold plunge, he's just like, Velcro. Hey. I'm a man. If you're drinking my Lorch, it's two fistfuls. It is. Hey. Right now, I'm like bad. It's great. It's almost, it's going so far wide, it's connecting everything.

Like, behind me. I'm definitely well out of the last shaving cycle. It's like I'm storing nuts for the winter kind of thing. So to speak. Yeah, I think I shaved the top, but I'm too scared to actually get the razor on my testicles. That freaks me the fuck out. Well, the razor's not as scary as buzzers, because buzzers, they got a mind of their own, you know what I mean? Oh, for sure. Wait.

You guys use a legit razor? On your nuts. What? Whoopsies, there's a lot of people watching. It is weird when you forget. And you think that that's less dangerous than just like a clipper? Clipper on the sensitive ball skin? I'm trying to act like I don't shave my balls bi-weekly. Yeah, dude, you shave it with a razor. You don't shave it with a...

Trimmer? Psychopath? I have a face trimmer and then I have my other one.

You dog. It's science. It's never accidentally grabbed a little piece. Do you really want to know? Of course it does, but it's worth it. I can finally feel something. He likes it. I guess I just don't want to take the time to get in there with a real answer. You don't want to take the time when dealing with your nutsack. You want to speed through that one. Wham bam, thank you ma'am. Yeah.

Okay, so TJ wants to know, was the actor who played Stan Halen a real brosiopath? It's a fantastic episode. Yeah, just a crazy guy we found. Will Greenberg. Will Greenberg. Will Greenberg is a super funny actor. He was on Wrecked, I believe. Yeah, yeah. Funny story. Okay. Oh my God, we have one. So we were a sketch group before Workaholics, and we would do a live show with about...

Like that many people right there. That's the audience. In LA. And we would do it with Will Greenberg's sketch group, Summer of Tears. This is like 2004, five, maybe six. And, uh,

He does this, like, we're doing the run-through, and he does this unbelievable Matthew McConaughey impression. Like, it's fucking crazy. I'm like, this guy's super talented. I go in the bathroom. I'm taking a... Can you do a Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, baby, I can. Wow. Hold on. Whoa, Matthew? Wait, shit. Lorne Michaels just stood up in the crowd. Yes, Paul! And I go, dude, your Matthew McConaughey is, like, unbelievable. And he just goes... He stands in the urinal next to me and goes...

Killzone, brother. And I was like, he's gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it. He says cool stuff at the urinal. I don't know what to do. I never know what to say at the urinal. You don't have to say anything. I usually look at my own dick and say Killzone. Quietly. That's a good thing to say. Just quietly go...

Hey, Killzone. Killzone. Hey, Killzone. You're doing good. Don't be afraid to pee in front of these other guys. Killzone. They're like, dude, I saw Adam Devine in the urinal and for some reason he looked at his dick and said, Calzone? I don't know. He must have been hungry. But so all that's to say, like, if you're at a urinal and you say Killzone to a person you just met who gave you a compliment, he's a brosiopath. Yeah, he is. And you're going to end up putting them in your TV show five to seven years later. Yeah.

10 years later? Maybe 10. We are old now. Hell of later. Any take-backs, any apologies, any epic giveaways, guys? Take-backs, apologies. I did an early take-back. We had a moment of gratitude for the butt cheeks. I loved that. Yeah, I did like that. And we're taking it back. In retrospect, I did like that. I'm not taking that back.

I like when you do that with your voice. That's fun. Thank you. We have to do that when we go to Phoenix. Phoenix? I guess I would. Yeah, fuck Phoenix. Yeah, fuck Phoenix. We only love Chicago. Give it up, Chicago! The Bears! Chicago! It's Isaac! Isaac, take your shirt off! Take your shirt off! Come on, Isaac!

He failed you guys. I guess I would probably take back the second Malort shot because that's when I kind of went into my own headspace. Yeah, but you definitely didn't talk the last 45 minutes of the one hour and ten minute podcast. Yeah, we're doing a lot of legwork over here. Yeah, I started to think about some dark things from the past. Right, yeah.

Yeah, it started to spiral a little bit. But I'm out of it. I feel good. I think I'm ready for another one. I feel good. Oh, he just... Wow. Okay. Cheers, buddy. Hey. Next thing you know, he's jumping off the balcony. Yeah, there's a nice balcony right there. Nobody put a beer pong table there, okay? Maybe. Maybe.

And I would just like to thank and not give you flowers. I will not give you flowers. No flowers. But thank you, guys. This was only the second show on our tour. It's going to get better. And it's so fun to come out and meet you all and actually look out and see your faces. Shut down. And so we really, really appreciate it. We love you. Thank you. And that was another episode of This Is.

- Yeah!

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