Ep 164: Live From Louisville: A Disastrous Attempt At 69ing
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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we talk about what's obviously most critically, crucially important. Today on This is Important. These local grandmas are horny. You have to fuck these grandmas. I took this little boy into a cornfield and shaved his head.

You're lucky I don't stand up and beat your ass, but I have a raging hard-on right now. I think I'm covered in fucking booze right now, bruh. Let's go! Holy shit! I love this hot, hot Friday night energy, Louisville! T-G-I-L! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! Wow, that was good.

Are you good? I pulled something. You good? I got a pink sock. You all right? When I landed, my butthole came out. Your butthole came out? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. He pink socked jumping over a couch. That's actually how it happened the first time in the Olympics. In Greece, they were naked, and they were doing the hurdles.

The guy jumped over and his butthole came out. His butthole came out. You didn't know that? I didn't. Is that real? Go read a book, you illiterate son of a bitch. Okay. Step up your vocab. Okay. Okay.

One of the buzz balls exploded. Yeah, those were... Sorry about that. I feel very bad because I tossed it and just ruined this girl's outfit in this area. Yeah. She looked at me... That's a buzz-splosion. She was very sad that I did it. Sorry. I think I'm her least favorite character. She won these tickets at a radio situation and was like, yeah, we should just go. It could be fun. The hair guy's there. Yeah, the hair guy's there. The tall one.

Sorry about that. Manny's there. It could be cool. Fucking thing sucks! Oh. Turns out. Hell yeah. There we go. This is a cool tower, man. I didn't get a... This pillow. This pillow is like, what is this fucking pillow? Oh.

A lot of pillows. We've been working on the pronunciation of Littleville all week, and we're nailing it. Yeah, we just said littleville. Yeah, it has to fall out of your mouth. It does. Tumble. Littleville. But you also have to swallow your L's. You have to go littleville. Yeah, it has to fall. Littleville. Littleville. Littleville. I will say that I do love a good southern accent, but...

Sure. He said a good one. Huge supporter of the Southern accent. That woman's like, hell yeah, y'all. But my favorite is that dude, I think he's here. He was staying in our hotel. He's like, hey, y'all. Naked grandma. Naked grandma. See, at the show tonight, naked grandma.

Naked grandma! I fucking love that. Yeah, that was. It sounded. It kind of, it adds like a. Sexual. No, it's like it classes it up a little bit. Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant. The naked grandma. Naked grandma. Well, any of them really, even if you're like, that's what will pay up.

Okay, that's getting offensive. Well, you're doing like an old-timey Sal. Right. I'm actually offended by what you just did. Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm actually way offended, dude. Well, that's a whoppamp.

Why is your southern person also 80 years old? What if that's a whoop-hap? I don't know. What if that's a whoop-hap? Well, that's not how it sounds. Whoop-happy. Kind of a little bit. Let's get real. Kind of a little bit. We're stoked to be here. Yeah, hell yeah. What up, Kentucky? I haven't been to Louisville since I was 13, Lakeside Aquatic Center.

The swim knowledge goes deep. Mary T. Maher is in the building, guys. Wait, what did you just say? Who? I love it. They don't know, but we know. Is Louisville Louisville? So there's a sick swimming pool here that's built into a rock quarry. What? That's fucking massive.

Okay. It's called Lakeside. Is the rock quarry like functioning or is it an old rock quarry? They retrofitted it, would that be the word, to like make it chlorinated and all that. But it's still a quarry and then they've got like the lane lines and shit. Because that's the cool part about rock quarries is you're like, there's for sure like a rusted out car in there. Oh yeah. And I'm like jumping in and like we could all,

die today. That's the cool thing. That's my favorite part. Dude, there was a rock quarry when I was growing up. You had to walk through a cornfield to get to it and then there's this huge fucking rock quarry. And

Were kids like molested there or something? What? Why? We just were talking about how cool they were, good times. Why did you go immediately to children being molested? Well, I'd like to talk about my childhood. See, this is the thing about Hollywood, you know? These Hollywood elite... He's like, well, where are you eating babies there? I don't know. When I think of cornfields, I think of being touched in places I don't want to be touched. For real? Like children of the corn? Yeah.

I don't know where this is coming from, but it's in the deep... What happened to you as a child with a cob of corn? Yeah, I know you always claim Iowa, even though I was born in Iowa and you weren't. Okay, debatable. It's not debatable. Wait, you were not. It's not debatable. So what happened in Iowa? My mom shucked my dick. Oh my God. If you suck it, I will come.

Points. Points for that. There's points of the night. Give them some points. I appreciate that. There was a 15-foot jump and then a 30-foot jump. That's where I really shined. And then a 70-foot jump, dude. And kids would just break their arms and shit. Into water? So there's water in every quarry? I'm sorry. No, there's not water in every quarry. There's a fun foam pit.

Kyle. Yeah. It's a rock quarry. This was Rob Dyrdek's house, dude. The fantasy factory. Okay, I'm in. Yeah, you walk through this cornfield and it's Rob Dyrdek's fantasy factory in the middle of Omaha, Nebraska. The dude perfect guy is going, we're going to get this on the 75th try. Perfect. I guess I just didn't know that there was a water feature in every quarry. Dude, what did you eat at Merle's? Oh. No one knows that place. Local reference. We had Merle's. We had Merle's.

See, that's what happens when you try to pander, Anders. That fell flat, dude. They were all like, no, we see what you're doing, saying Merle's a local restaurant. I was genuinely asking Kyle what he ate at Merle's. Because I just didn't know what he ate at Merle's. I tried all their vegetarian tacos. It was fucking bomb, dude. Where?

I'm at Merle's. Okie dokie. Earlier today. That's cool that you guys see that. I mean, I love drinking. But what does suck about drinking is like today was like a little bit of a wash for Blake and I. Yes. And I didn't get to experience Merle's. Merle's? What's that? I said daylight. Yeah, I didn't really experience a lot of daylight today. Merle's!

It was mostly I went into my hotel room, closed it. Yeah. Hurled up. Last night got pretty flagrant. I have wounds. Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you tell them what you did to get that wound? Well, I think what... So I was in a cornfield, right? I can't remember. I can't remember. I found myself in a cornfield.

Just shucking my dick. We're in Indiana. Shucking. I gotta go shuck. I feel like maybe we were watching baseball highlights right before we went to bed or something and for some reason I... Well, who's we? Yeah, I'm like... Who's in your hotel room? Not me.

Me and my invisible entourage. We were in Indianapolis last night. Yeah. Yeah, cool. Yeah, three people know it. Damn. It's no Louisville. Okay, so you guys hate Indianapolis and hate Merle's. Okay, you got it. Hey, now we know. Now we know. And...

I mean, I drank a half a bottle of vodka to my face last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were quickly. I was like, oh, Adam. What happened to Adam? Dude, just blame it on the goose. I was on autopilot. Yeah. Blame it on the henny. Yeah, and I think over the entire night, I probably had four buzz balls and then whatever else was piled on top of that. It was a real buzz ball base. Yeah. And we built from there. And the people that called the buzz ball and they took a sip.

They know it's poison and it's pretty shitty. It's a bad drink. It's not good. Yeah. A lot of heads shaking like, yeah, we didn't want you to throw them out, but you did. You did and now we have them. Anyway, when I was on my way to go to bed with my invisible entourage, I got in my mind that I wanted to like practice head first slides or something. On concrete? Yeah.

On hotel carpet. So that's... Turf burn. This was in the hallway, right? Yeah. I can't remember, but probably. Because I did hear it. I heard you. You heard me? Yeah. You like woke me up. Okay. Ow! What happened? Ow! What happened? Ow! What happened? And he just dove headfirst into the ground. I really was like, am I dreaming this? Or is Blake out there not knowing what happened?

I'm living a nightmare. Also, Isaac, our manager said that you almost got arrested. How? What? Yeah.

Uh-oh. What happened? He comes into my room today, and he was like, yeah, so fucking last night got away from us, didn't it? And I'm like, no. I mean, I guess so. I just drank a half a bottle of vodka and drunkenly FaceTimed my wife. You were very loving. You were on like a loving tip last night. It was cool. I usually go pretty lovey. It was nice. A little too much for my taste, but it was cool. Yeah, I just want to feel up on my dudes. I was kind of like, yeah, all right, buddy. I got it. But you know,

Love you, dude. 69, dudes! You want us to? We will. Do you dare us? I dare you to 69 each other in front of all these people. Everybody, go live on Instagram now. So I would for sure be the one

What? Upside down. I don't know. If we're standing? Because if we were to 69, it'd have to be a standing car wheel 69. Yeah. Obviously. Now, this is pandering. Yeah. Merles. I don't know.

It's not a dare. He didn't even dare us. So Isaac's like, yeah, so fucking last night got away from us. And I'm like, what do you mean? And he was like, yeah, fucking you guys went back home. And then Blake was like, I need another drink. And then he's like pounding beers with like chicks with glitter on their tits. And I'm like, what? And then...

And then we fucking bailed and he just pulls his dick out and starts pissing on the street. Wait, stop telling this story. Uh-oh. This should have been cleared with our PR people. Glitter did... Isaac. Isaac. Hey, this is... I wasn't there. His job is to manage. And then he was like, dude, just go in the bushes. And you're like, I'm fine here.

And then there's a cop like right there in the cop car. Well, I'm glad I'm here with you today.

But, I mean, that would have been pretty... I see what you're doing. You're trying to build stories for the podcast. Yeah, definitely. If I'm arrested for indecent exposure, that would make for a fun story on the podcast. What's really weird is if I was pissing in the bushes, why did I also piss my pants last night? Oh, because this is what happened. Yeah, there's more to the story. He told me this part of the story. Ah, what happened? What?

He said that then when he was like, oh, fuck, there's a cop. You tucked it away too quick and you couldn't stop. Classic. We've all been there. You're a fucking disaster, my guy. You are a disaster. So wait, is this technically an intervention? Yeah. House lights up, please. Thank you. There's your family. Your teachers from middle school.

What up, mom? The actual god. He's here. Everyone's just very sad. Yeah. Yeah, thank you. Oh! Oh! Oh my god! Holy shit! Oh my god. What's up? Hottest crowd yet. Yeah. Oh my god. Wow. I will say... And now off. And now off.

Very good smelling people. Want to see it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. The hotel was standing out. I think everybody smells fucking good here, dude. It smells nice. You know what it is? Like what? It's the vanilla notes of the whiskey. Yeah. The aged barrel. Yeah. It's the aged vanilla barrel. Yes. The oaky- Oaky-aged vanilla. Tannins or something? The tantrums. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, shut the fuck up. Yeah.

You do what I think. It's just whiskey. We drink it to get drunk. Bourbon is also whiskey, right? You're going to get fucking mobbed. All right. Hey, guess what? One by one, fight to the death. I'll die for this. He's been talking about this all week. What's the difference between bourbon and whiskey? Kentucky. Kentucky. I'll show you. Well, we got to the bottom of it. One guy screamed Kentucky. Okay. It is Kentucky. Good, good.

That's weird that bourbon is from Kentucky, because whiskey sounds more like Kentucky. Right. That is very weird. I'm not trying to come into your house and tell you what to do, but like, what are you doing? I'm asking. I'm not telling you. So since bourbon, not whiskey, is the thing, is just everybody's kind of like, y'all's dicks don't work that good or what? Right. It's a whiskey dick. Because that's what happens to you. I dare you to come up here and prove me wrong. Why is everyone fighting?

Kentucky after midnight is just... This is just the show where Adam fights to death and I'm just looking at hard dicks really, really hard. Because that's what happens to you on whiskey? Well, that's whiskey dick. It's like shoot and pull with a rope. Mine is... My dick works great on whiskey. Tell you what it doesn't work great on. Buzz balls. Okay.

- Things go real south if I'm pre-buzzballed. - Your dick starts coughing. - So wait, is that the... - Yeah, too many Cran Blasters, which is a buzzball flavor. - So is that the difference between whiskey and bourbon? Whiskey makes your dick soft and bourbon just gives you frickin' . That's right, boy! - Oh yeah. - Okay. - That's right, boy! - Oh yeah. - I got that little bit of slugger down there, boy! - Hey.

Hey, way to get them back, dude. That was awesome. Thanks, dude. Thanks. Thank you. That was great. Thanks, dude. Can I talk to you? Can I talk to you real quick? You lost them? They're back. You guys' dicks are so hard, man. Just for that, we're taking you guys to Merle's. Yeah. Merle's on us. Ow! Hell yeah. Isn't it...

Yeah! What? Norway sucks, Kentucky rules. It's from the show. Remember when Durs brought out some KFC? Oh, yeah. That's right. And then you say... Yeah. I'm sure there's a lot of people that do not know Workaholics and they're just the This Is Important fans. Yeah. They're just Norwegians. So for those people, we had a show called Workaholics. Yeah! Yeah!

And it certainly seems like most people don't know the show and they only know the podcast. I think we have mostly pod-only fans. We get that. Tight butthole. Tight butthole. Yes. That was something we said on the show. Tight butthole. Yeah. Right. Is there like a, like the KFC, like the one that's actually really good that people go to?

Nope. No, there's not. I got... I didn't hear... No love for the Colonel. You know what I mean? Like the flagship where there's just a little extra effort put in. It's like a nice sit-down. Dude, I will say that I fucking absolutely love that... Is it the basketball stadium? It's called like the Yum Center? Yeah. That's tight. Fuck yeah. That's a cool name for a basketball stadium. We're here at the KFC Yum Center. It's like...

Yeah, it sounds official. Buckets. They get buckets there. Oh. Oh. Yes, points. Give it, give it, Blakey. Yes, points. Why don't you give yourself a couple points? Wow. I don't even know where that came from. That was like right here. It just said buckets. I'm like, geez, that was freaking cool. And that's why you had your own TV show. Yeah. Yes. Uh-huh. Had. Had. Had. Had.

Would have had a movie, but you know, Paramount+. What are you gonna do? Yeah, fuck. Hey, let's chant it. Fuck Paramount+. Fuck Paramount+. Fuck Paramount+. This fucking thing sucks.

Unless they want to hire us to do things. Unless they give us a job. Unless we get the call. We'll walk over there and do our work. Isaac comes and he's like, actually, the Workaholics movie is back on. Right. Oh. Then Paramount Plus would be the best streaming platform ever. Yeah. Yeah, we can flip it. We can turn on a dime. No problem. Right.

I have no, what's the word, morals? Allegiance. Yeah. Essentially, it's like when your parents take you out to the quarry and then they go, actually, no. And you're like, okay, cool, great. Now I'm back on board with you parenting me. That's what it's like. Yeah, it is like that, I guess. When your parents... Yeah, man, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess it's like that. Hey, you see me? Yeah, I got you. It's like that. I got you. I got you.

Right.

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Hey, happy Friday the 13th, you guys. Whoa. This is big. Very spooky. This is a fucking Friday the 13th in October. I think it only happens once every seven years or something like that. Really? Yeah. Ooh. What a fact, pal. What a spooky factoid. That's pretty spooky. Isn't that wild? Do you guys fuck with the... Wait, do we fuck? Do we fuck on Friday the 13th? Do you guys fuck? Us? Who?

Who, Blake and me? I would say out of the four of us, the two that are most likely to fuck would be you and Blake. Yeah. Come on. Don't say like no to that. Here, try 69. No, try 69 me. What do you want to do? I want to 69 you.

You got a cartwheel into it. That's not, by the way, that's not how you 69. That is not how you 69. That's a 22. That's not a 69 at all. I'm going to let you down gentle. I need a buzz ball. You good? Get off the notorious. Blake, Blake.

Adam wants a piece. You would have to have your legs, because your dick was way down. We were wheelbarrowing. Your dick has to be face. Okay, coach me. Cartwheel into it, and he'll catch your leg. My wig is going to come off. Kyle, just face the crowd. I'm going to come in this way. Okay.

Listen wait wait your your your hand your first hand must to land right where his foot is So the other hand is here watching it and then the genitals are here, okay? Well, I kind of gotta get up pretty don't fuck this up Oh my god

- Oh my God! - I think I'm covered in fucking booze right now, bro. - Dude, you-- - Dude, wow. - You? - You? - I'm covered in it, bro. - Dude, that was a fucking disaster, my guy. - Oh my God. - You're very-- I don't know.

So if you're listening from home on the podcast. I don't fucking know. Right now, they tried a 69. They broke the table. Beer spilled everywhere. Right into Kyle's mouth. He hasn't had a beer in 10 years. Thank you. Yeah, this is fucked up, dude. That was... It's Isaac. It's a major Isaac. Isaac. Isaac. Take your shirt off. Take your shirt off. Take your shirt off, Isaac. Let's see those pink nipples. Let's see those pink nipples, Isaac. Stop.

I just 69 Kyle. You could at least show your nipples. Jesus Christ. Yeah, man. I would love to give that another go one day. Wait, Kyle. Are you okay? Huh? Are you going to be... Dude, you crumbled so fast. What happened there? I'm chilling. You weren't braced? Because you know he's going to weigh...

Something, right? Well, that's the thing. Because you acted like you weren't expecting any amount of weight. That's the thing that I didn't factor is the weight. Yeah. Like, I just forgot. I was thinking so much about the physics of not weight. Yeah. And I also thought, like, oh, I should. I guess when doing a standing cartwheel 69 in front of, like, 2,000 people, maybe think less about the physics. Well.

Well, the thing that I really was thinking about, if you must know, was I was like, oh, he's going to cartwheel. I'm going to have to pick him up real quick so I can get to his asshole and his dick. Okay. You know what? We respect that. I tried to overdo it. We can respect that. Hey, we'll give it up for them for trying, you know?

Yeah, I'll try. I would try it again any day, bro. If you guys want to know what the Workaholics writers room was like, it was nine hours of that and one hour writing the show. Yeah. And then all the writers who worked for us would be like, are we going to be done? No, not yet. Can we go home? I went to Harvard. Yeah, I...

I have a young child at home that I would love to see. Oh, we are going to stand in Cartwell 69? Yes, we're going to do the stand in Cartwell 69 four more times until we get it right. All right. 69, dudes!

We're doing it. It's cool. It's not that sad. You know what? You know, it was just a chapter in our lives, you know? Yeah. Oh, that we're not having it anymore? Yeah. Well, you know what, jurors? I mean, I can see the sadness in your eyes. What do you mean, Adam? I see the sadness in your eyes. Yeah? And I would like to make an announcement right here. The Workaholics movie is still canceled. Yeah. And that sucks. And that sucks. You heard it here first. Sorry, Adam.

Yeah, it sucks. I agree. It's not that sad. It's not like I think about it all the time and reminisce on us having the best time of our lives. Yeah. Well, I mean, to be perfectly honest, we probably wouldn't be on this tour right now. That's true. If we did the movie. Right. That's true. That's true. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Also, also. Hey, one door closes, another one opens. Uh-huh. Yes. Yeah. One movie gets canceled. Yeah.

I-69, my best friend on stage. It checks out. It makes sense. Dude, I'm so sorry I didn't hold you steady. Yeah, I'm pretty pissed. I'm just glad this didn't shatter. Shards were not inserted in orifices. I called this. We broke this table for sure, though. Hey, but that's just what we do. Yeah, sorry, Brown Theater.

We're crazy. We eat at Rose's. Dude, so I just hosted this thing called Adobe Sneaks. Okay. Yeah, it was weird. It was like a big corporate event. Do you guys know what he's talking about? You guys Photoshop? We neither do. That's very funny.

It's not even Hollywood. Okay. It's Silicon Valley. Silicon. Yeah. But it was in LA. It's kind of Hollywood. Tiffany Haddish did it a few years ago and she had the movie Night School that just came out so it was all school themed and Kevin Hart did it last year and it was whatever movie he was promoting and then they had all...

and German themed. And I did the show for Peacock called Bumper in Berlin. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And they canceled it during the strike like two weeks ago, dudes.

So, and it took me, I'm like on this stage in front, there's like 6,000 people there. And it took me halfway through the show to realize that they built this stage for me, for Bumper in Berlin. And I'm sitting there like an asshole with this big stein of beer. And then I go, wait, is this for Bumper in Berlin? And the girl goes, yeah. And then I go, you know it was canceled, right? And she's like, and I just grinded the whole show to the halt. Yeah.

Much like right now. Right now. Yeah. Yay, dude. Hey. But I just thought it was so funny that they put so much money into building this very elaborate German set. Right. To just, the show was canceled. Dude, they straight up punked you, dude. Yeah, dude. They're like, there's a camera there, there's a camera there, there's a camera there. It was all Workaholics the movie themed. Me and Blake were in cages dancing. Oh,

I feel like, I don't know if I physically would have been able to shoot the movie because I've been in so much pain lately. We'll get you there. We'll shoot you up with something. Yeah, we'll get you. Just lube me up with some Mexican steroids. I would like that. This is the way. Something. Juice me up. Are the Mexican steroids the good ones? Yeah. I feel like we were touching upon Friday the 13th. Were you about to get spooky or something? I was just thinking, it's Friday the 13th. I was like, it's a special day, man. And ooh.

Yeah. Spooky. I'm about spookiness. I like it. I got some spooky shit happened to me today. Oh, okay. Talk about this shit. Okay.

So go off. I'm hungry. I leave the hotel. I'm in the elevator and I got like a tag situation. So I'm like, let me fix this tag real quick. I go across to Merle's. I walk like to the bar and I'm kind of like fucking tag is just fucking creeping. We've all been there. I sit down at the bar and I still feel my tag kind of like tickling and I'm like,

Shaking my shirt, fucking, just trying to fucking kick it. Look at Ders from Workaholics is fucking tweaking. For real. And so then I sit there, and then, thank you, my prince. And I just feel like a little tickle. And I'm like, there's something in your shirt. Be cool, and just excuse yourself to the restroom.

even though there's a creature on your back. I go into the bathroom, I go into the stall, lock it, take off my hat, put it on the hook, take off my shirt, shake it, nothing.

But then I go like this in my hair and a fucking giant like roach type beetle this big. Dude. Yeah. And he sent a photo. He sent photo evidence and it was unlike any bug I'd ever seen. It might have been like a space creature. Dude, it was very fucking... It also had like... It was kind of sexy. They had eyelashes. It like had some eyelashes. It looked like the female alien from the Explorers movie with...

Ethan Hawke? Remember, she was cute as fuck and had like the eyelashes?

Dude, that shit had to have been fucking wild. It was weird. It was weird. One time I remember when I was a kid, this happened. This is real. We had a toy room. On Friday the 13th? It wasn't on Friday the 13th, but it has to do with bugs and fucking hidden bugs. It's a classic hidden bug story. This isn't really spooky at all. It's gross. It's a hidden bug story.

I left Rice Krispies out in the toy room. Like my toy room. As one does. You know? And so the next day I went in there and I was like, okay, I'm going to fucking grab a handful of Rice Krispies. As any eight-year-old says, fucking give me a fucking handful. Yeah, let me get a handful of Rice Krispies and just put the whole thing in my mouth. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Yeah. That's how you eat. Yeah, I went nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Yeah. And then I grabbed again. I looked down and the Rice Krispies are fucking moving. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Lice Krispies. It was maggots. It was maggots, dude. It was like, I cried, I called my mom. Why? To stop being a bitch. I thought maggots meant like meat and stuff. Why were maggots eating the Rice Krispies? See, this is where I think Kyle's fucking lying, dude. Don't try to make up a story. Did you just make up a hidden bug story, dude? I would never make up a hidden bug story. That's a sacred...

I have a huge allegiance to hidden bug stories. Hidden bug stories are sacred. Those are my favorite kind of stories. I'm not making that up. I ate maggots as a child. Did you like it? Because they kind of say, like, we're going to have to start eating bugs as our meals because... Protein. Yeah, like the... Honestly, I don't remember. I think the Rice Krispies were better. You know?

I feel like this is the glitter people. Hidden bug stories? What's growing in your hair? I've had lice a lot. More than twice? Oh yeah. Don't you have to shave your head when that shit happens? No, you shampoo it. You have to comb it through. Remember you had the fucking lice comb? No, I don't remember. You don't remember that? Did you never have lice? These are hidden bug stories.

These are classic universal hidden bug stories. Well, my mom... I've never had lice. What the fuck? How have you not had lice, dude? It fucking rules. But when you have... But when lice is in your class as a kid, everybody fucking gets lice. No. Yes, because they jump from head to head. They jump. Okay, how many people have had lice? Yeah, okay. It's not as much as I would have... Get him out of here! Yeah, so about 30 people in the crowd of 2,000...

Have had lies. Yeah. These fucking pig-pegged motherfuckers. So, you're like Amy and Blake. Amy and Blake. So, we're finding that you two are the dirty ones. He's added a lot. Well, you... But to be fair, your mom worked at a daycare. My mom had a daycare, and there was a one... There was this one kid, Elijah. I knew it was Elijah. Fucking dirty-ass Elijah. How are you doing this? I knew it was Elijah. Dude, biggie. Dude, Elijah...

- Always had lice. - Dude, this dirty ass. - Always. We would shave that motherfucker's head.

That's not going to help. We made his parents come over and burn his... Wait, you would shave this little boy's head? Well, that's another thing you could do if you didn't want to comb your hair. Were you in a cornfield? This might explain everything. This explains it all. I took this little boy into a cornfield and shaved his head. What? No, we would burn his pillowcases. What? What? It sounds like you just bullied Elijah. Yeah, you could also just throw pillowcases away. Yeah, we used to just kick him down the stairs and...

I would ride bitch on all of his clothes. Yeah. I'd be like, someday I'm going to talk about this on a national podcast. National, international, dude. National podcast tour. National podcast tour. I'm so sorry. Yeah, dude. I don't know, though. Seriously, every day he came to the house, there were fucking bugs jumping out of his head. So you never cut your hair, though. Did you do the comb? I did do the comb, yeah. And the VO5 hot oil? I couldn't.

Yeah. I remember doing the comb and it hurt like a motherfucker. I think I've told you guys this. Just a regular comb? I'm so excited! I thought that was a person. These are hidden bug stories. But I remember my mom combed me and it hurt so bad I fucking punched her, dude. Right. I've told you guys that. You've told us a lot of stories about you physically abusing your mother. Yeah.

Because you were covered in bugs. Yeah, these are hidden bugs. And she's like, go eat your maggots! No, she fucking knocked me out. Do you think maybe you shouldn't have left the cereal in the playroom and she switched it out with maggots and was like, this is your punishment? Yeah, like I'm going to punk this whole thing. You think that my mom premeditated that whole situation? Just regular meditated. Oh, she was meditating on it. Yeah, she didn't even pre-think about it. She was like, I'm going to do this and did it.

I mean, maybe my mom's crafty like that. She could teach me a lesson like that. Well, you punched her in the tit. She was trying to get back to you. I didn't punch her in the tit, dude. I punched her in the face. What? No, it was the arm. It was the arm. The face of the day. I punched her in the arm. I punched her hard. I don't know what's real with you. What in the Friday the 13th is happening, Kyle? I'm possessed. Winky Friday. Well, I don't have any hidden bug stories. I guess I do have one. I was showering once. Oh.

And I looked down and I hadn't been home for a few months. I was off shooting something and I came home and there was a fucking scorpion. Oh, dude. Because we live in California. In my urethra. So I crawled up through the drain and I'm butt ass naked, you know, because I'm taking a shower. Yeah. Sure. It was a baby one, dude. And they're like more poisonous, right? Yes. I can't remember if they're poisonous or venomous, but go on.

Are they venomous? They're venomous. They're venomous. They sound like a dude. Relationships are poisonous. Whiskey, bourbon, let me do my thing. Well, you sound like an idiot. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know. I know. He was all fucking all perched up, dude. And then I had my fucking Old Spice body wash, the big red fucking thing. And I fucking direct smashed it, dude. Yeah. I didn't go down and smash it. I went...

And I jumped back and spiked the body wash down. Well, you're a good hunter. You're a great hunter. Did you just scream to the heavens? It was way bitchier. It was like a squeal because I thought I was facing my death. Right. You were. I'm dying! You were. That's really scary. This was in Los Angeles? Yeah, at my Hollywood house. We have scorpions there? Yeah, definitely, dude. That's freaking sick, dude.

Scorpions are scary. I've never seen... You grew up there. I've never seen a scorpion. You've never seen a scorpion? Remember, didn't you go outside much? No, I just play video games, dude. I think Justin used to catch them at church camp. Do you remember that? He would catch them. Who's Justin? Friday the 13th? Justin, our buddy.

Yeah. Anyways. No, I thought that was crawdads. Oh, well, crawdads, yeah, all day. Yeah. Crawdads all day. Did you guys... So they were telling me the other day that after school, they would go out and catch crawdads? Yeah. With hot dogs. Did other people do this? Yeah. I got to, like, redo my childhood, I guess. Well, you were a little city kid. You were, like, graffitiing stuff and, like... Yeah. Defacing public property. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I was just... I...

I was throwing a lot of rocks at cars. That was kind of my... Yeah, you guys too? Yeah, that was your shit? Rocks at cars, people. Super psyched. Don't throw rocks at cars. And is a crawdad just a big shrimp? Or a small lobster. A crawdad? Did you ask if a crawdad was a shrimp? It's a crawdad. It's a different animal. It's a crayfish.

I know, but that's like a... It's not a shrimp. Is that the thing that crawled into Neo's belly button? Yeah, similar to that. Okay, thank you. That's all you had to say. Yeah, but they have pinchers. So where do you catch these crawdads? The same place where you get lice. And where were the crawmoms? At home with the crawkids. In Elijah's hair? Yeah, it's Elijah's backyard. You just peeked through Elijah's hair and it was just covered in crawdad? Oh, crawdad! Holy shit! No, they're just in little creeks and stuff. You said creek or crick?

We say "creeks." We got some "creek" folks, okay? Wait. A lot of "creeks" here. I like that. Are y'all fucking with me? People say "creek"? Yeah. We don't say "creek." We don't say "creek." We don't say "creek." But I'm actually gonna start saying "creek" because that's fucking cool. Yeah. What part of two E's makes the... Don't question it. If you got an ass, you don't know. Don't question it because if you say "whiskey" instead of "bourbon," they'll have your ass.

So just go with the crick. The rest of the country says creek. Do you say you have a creek in your neck?

You flip it? Oh. Do you flip it? He does. He does. Thumbs up. I'm believing anything this white wizard has to say. Yeah. No doubt. Yes. No doubt. Absolutely. I'm believing in you, buddy. Whoa, you guys are having a moment. Yeah. That's cool. That's what this tour's all about. Standing cartwheel 69, what's up? Yeah. That's good. You want to give it a go? Yeah. You want to give it a go? I know you are. I know you are.

I would break every bone in my body if I standing cartwheeled 60. It turns out it's harder than you think. Well, Kyle, I mean, admittedly, I was really happy that you did it. But that was a bad showing. Okay. I've already said I know my thigh hurts. There's certain parts of my body that are actually like throbbing right now. Don't say that in public. What you got to do, dude? You got to.

Yeah! What is that? You gotta wake them up. Engage. Engage. Athletic stance. Yeah, I was doing that, but I told you I tried to lift them up to get the b-hole close to my mouth. Do you eat a lot of... To get the b-hole close to your M-O? I was gonna spell out mouth. I couldn't remember how to spell it.

Kyle, do you mind? You got nervous? I almost spelled moth. It was like when you were in school and you had to go to the whiteboard or the chalkboard or whatever, and you were like, fuck me. Fucking mouth. I can't spell anything correctly. Dude, I was so bad at spelling that when I would get called up to do the whiteboard in high school, I would say I can't because I have a boner. Okay.

You would say that? Amazing. Really? Amazing. And they'd let it go, dude. They're just like... Okay. Okay. All right. That's a natural occurrence. Fair enough. You're a young man. And I'm just checking back in. Adam, is your boner down yet? Okay.

I would do something similar. I would say, I can't. I give everyone boners. And they'd be like, that's okay. It's a natural occurrence. So every time you were called upon, it would be the same as you used? No, not every time. It was mostly English class because I was so bad at spelling. I still am. Like, it's really embarrassing because I'm a writer, you know. I write all the time. But my notebooks are like, Chloe's like, you should be embarrassed. Yeah. My wife was like, these are actually embarrassing. Yeah.

But based on the Q&A questions we got from you guys, also not great at spelling. Yeah. And that's okay. It's our generation. We had spellcheck. Yeah, we grew up with spellcheck. With Clippy. Clippy, the little Microsoft port guy. Is he here?

God damn. I wish there were more things I could get out of by just saying, can't do it, I've got a boner. I promise you, you can get out of everything with that. Anything. We watch my kid for a second while I run to the bathroom, I'm at Six Flags, can't, I've got a boner. That's okay, that's okay. That's okay, that's fine. It is universal. Okay.

License and registration. I'm sorry, officer. I've got a boner. The dick was driving. As you were. I'm going to need you to get out of the car. I don't think that's happening. I've got a boner. I don't think that's happening. Officer, I have a raging hard-on. The only time it doesn't work is when they go, same. Right. And you're like, touche. Yeah, it's just some fucking cool cop who's like, prove it. Yeah.

Cool cop? Yeah, I was like... Just like a hero cop. What kind of cop you would be if you were a cop? Just like the coolest cop that you can imagine. Who wants to see your hard dick. Show me your boner. Man. Ow!

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I don't know about you guys, but I feel this year has gone by so quickly. I became a father this year. Can you believe that, guys? Huge. And the baby that I named Bo is growing bigger every day. Let me tell you, life goes by like that, so fast. So it's important to take a moment to celebrate your wins and make adjustments for the rest of the year. I agree. And therapy can help you take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next decade.

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I have a way to make your morning more efficient. You can get caught up on the news in about seven minutes. That is my promise to you as the host of The 7 Podcast from The Washington Post.

And in that time, I will run down seven stories, everything from the most important headlines to fascinating new information you might miss otherwise. My name's Hannah Jewell. Go follow The 7 right now, wherever you're listening, and we will get you caught up. Have you guys, did you guys happen to look at Pornhub in Kentucky yet? I spent a lot of time in my hotel room today. Yeah.

Interesting. We're going to go to lunch. It's just this guy going like, it's like, they're just selling you wheat. It's like chronic cannabis delivery service or something. You guys know. Is weed legal here? That fucking sucks. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. It was Kentucky specific.

Wait, what? Oh, was it Delta-8? That bluegrass? Oh, that shit sucks. Wait, what's Delta-8? Delta-8 is one of the other, like, cannabinoid-als or whatever they call them. Yeah, and then you smoke it and it just gives you a headache? Yeah. Yeah, it does nothing for you. I thought you said you smoke it and jizz gives you a headache, and I was like, what?!

Whoa. Dude, that's all you can think of is jizz. That's like if you jizz too much, you're trying to stop jizzing. It's like it gives you a headache. Yeah. That's God's way of saying you're jizzing too much. Yeah. Yeah, that's evolution. Wait, so Delta-8 is not real weed? It's like synthetic or something? Well, no, it's not synthetic. There's just all different parts of the flower. This guy knows a lot about it. What is it?

Diet weed? Diet weed. Diet weed. And White Wizard? Do you know anything about Delta 8? Yes. He does. Okay. And is it good? No. Alright, so that's the side I'm on. It probably just has... And this came up on an advertisement on Pornhub? Yeah, it was like, I mean, it was... Is that how we got here? It was a guy saying like...

I'll deliver weed. I thought it was weed, but it must have been Delta-8. And he's in a farm with tons of weed plants. This is a video or an ad? You know how they have those little commercials before the video? You have to fuck this grandma. And you're like weird anime porn of like a porn video game. You think I'm joking? That's what shows up. You have to fuck this grandma is a real commercial. Really? Yeah.

It's like these local grandmas are horny. You have to fuck these grandmas. It's like a game. Naked grandma, dude. Naked grandma. Oh, yeah. Naked grandma. Naked grandma. Naked grandma. But anyway. So you... But I say less. Your Pornhub algorithm is fake weed and Durza's is you have to fuck grandmas? Fucking grandmas, yes.

I mean, my algorithm. Well, now my algorithm, my Instagram algorithm is so fucked up, dude. And I've said this. It's teenagers fighting in classrooms. Yeah. Like fighting their teachers. Yeah. And now it's just cute babies. And it's been that way for a while, but we just announced that my wife and I are pregnant. It's science. Yeah. It's tight. We're very excited. Come on.

Dude, I love a thumbs down. We don't get a lot of those. Boo! Fuck your future kid! Give me a hell yeah! The world's ending! So we're expecting, but you look at photos of cute kids when you're planning for your...

At least I do, dude. We're not... Okay, yeah. You're looking at... So for a long time before... Because she's like halfway done with the pregnancy. So... And we just announced, right? So there's like four months of my algorithm starting to show me like fucking cute kids doing insane funny things. Right. And dude, I've gotten so many weird looks. Yeah.

Because you're just looking at her. I'm looking at children just on Instagram. Right. On an airplane from behind, they're just like creeping through the seats, seeing it. Yeah. A lot of weird looks. And then the next video is just teenagers beating the shit out of their teacher. Right.

Dude. That's interesting fatherhood prep right there. Like, that's real. Yeah. Did you ever fight a teacher? No, just his mom. I feel like if any of us fought a teacher, it's for sure Kyle. Yeah, if any of us fought a teacher, it's definitely Kyle. My mom was a substitute teacher. Okay. Okay. So technically, yeah, for sure. I never rattled the cage of a teacher. No way, man. I didn't do that. So...

I was asking about fighting, but you rattled a cage? I thought it'd sound cool. Did it sound cool to you? Yeah, it did. Yeah, all right. So let me have it. Did you like... If your teacher's name was like Mr. Jackson, did you go, Mr. Jackson? And you thought that was like rattling the cage? No, I guess I pushed was what I was thinking. You pushed a teacher? No, I said I never rattled the cage. Oh, you never rattled the cage. I never rattled the cage of a teacher. Dude. Only my mom. I was like...

I would fucking fight you, Mr. Miller, but I've got a fucking boner, so you're lucky. You're lucky I don't stand up and beat your ass, but I have a raging heart right now. Dude.

And I know it's not going down anytime soon, but if it did, I would fuck you up. Dude, that is such a good way to get out of a fight. If any kids are listening to this podcast, and I hope they are, because we're giving so much good advice, that's such a good way to get out of a fight, like in high school, where someone's like, you want to fucking go? And you're like, well, I would, but I've got a raging hard-on right now.

My dick is super hard right now. But as soon as it's done, I'll beat your ass. And everyone's like, uh... You just get kicked in the face? Now?

You want to go right now? Now? Well, what sucks about, like, you can't fight anymore because people actually train. This is true. Yeah. People are like MMA fighters now. Yeah. And just like the average guy is just like fucking choking people out now. Right. When we were kids, it was just that one weirdo. Not even weirdo. Just, I mean, my buddy Dave. Yeah. Who just like was the karate master. Right. Like we all went to baseball and he's just in his garage like.

Yeah. Yeah. We had, at our school, his name was Joey. Oh, Joey. And he loved to... No, what's your one homie that's always in the Jean-Claude Van Damme splits? Yeah. Well, that's... Yeah, but Josh? Josh Wolfe. Josh was like actually in karate. Joey just wore steel toe boots and fucking loved to shadow kick. Yeah, Joey showed up to kindergarten with a helmet and a whip. Yeah.

And he put it in his cubby and he was like... So he wouldn't hit himself. So he came...

He came with a weapon to kindergarten. A whip and a helmet. We just grew up different. We just grew up different. Yeah, you guys were in a crick grabbing crawdads. Your homie had a helmet. We're all just eating lice out of each other's hair. This dude's just fucking kicking our heads off with steel-toe boots. He was the guy who ran the curtain for the plays, and he was scary as fuck. And that was like a workout he was so serious about, fucking just...

Dude. Yeah, he'd be in place before, as soon as the fucking, the bows were done, he was like, I just did that. If he could, he would jump. I just did that. I was way more committed. I just did it way more committed and you did it like, kind of like. Yes, good. Support us.

You can have those points. But it reminds me of the dude, we went to go see The Labyrinth, this is like 10 years ago. We went to a movie theater to go see The Labyrinth and the dude who- Yeah, fuck yeah, The Labyrinth rocks. Super duper sick. Bro, it was so sick in the theater. The dude who ran like the theater and picked the movies came out, introduced the movie and then he also was in charge of the projector. So he like goes, Labyrinth, thank you for coming out. And then he grabs his giant thing of keys and beats it.

lines it up the fucking thing like Shinobi style. It was so good. But like really probably doesn't run ever except for when he gets to the projector and it was he was from Beat the Geek. He was from Beat the Geek. You could tell he was a major nerd. What is Beat the Geek? It was a comedy central show I believe.

where you would. Yeah, it was like a trivia show. Yeah, you would compete against certain geeks like there would be a Star Wars geek. The White Wizard, no. He was actually one of the geeks. Movie geek, music geek, TV geek. This guy was the movie geek. And he was the movie geek. Yeah. So I kind of was bugging. I was like, that's the dude. Yeah, I was like starstruck. It was fucking crazy. Until he ran and I was like, oh, this guy's a dork. Yeah,

Yeah, but he was on the show. He's claiming it. He was pretty cool. But he's not saying he's an athlete. No, of course not. No, but his key chain, his keys were like, it was massive. Like the way he ran was just like fucking like in a football. But way faster, way more serious, way more committed. It was way faster, way more serious. Kyle, do it. Be funnier than Blake. All right, everybody, you're going to watch The Labyrinth and enjoy the show.

That's kind of a high step though. I got it. Actually, I'm going to do it better. You got to do the announcement too. Good job, Kyle. Did I do it good? Because you have to like, the whole body has to turn into it. So thank you for coming out. You're now going to watch Jim Hatton's The Labyrinth. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's science. Points. Yes, points. Physical points. Physical points. Nice, dude. Admittedly, better than the movie. And I know you guys love The Labyrinth, but that was a grade A run.

Well, yeah, that was cool. What are your pants, by the way, Ders? They're really sexy. So I'm 42. I'm 42 years old. I noticed you're really leaning into fun weird shoes and dad pants. When you turn 42...

You're 42, dude? Jesus Christ. Nucky Grandma! Yeah, that's wild. It sucked that you turned 40 in the pandemic and we didn't really get to celebrate it in the way I wanted to. We did it, though. 69, dude! We'll be on tour when I turn 40. Whoa. I'll buy you pants. Yeah, buy me some pants. So when you turn 42...

And you walk past this store. If you're 39, you walk past the store. You didn't even notice it. But when you turn 40, 41, 42, and you walk past a store called Vory. Oh, Vior. Vior. I'm on it. Great. You look at the mannequin. You go. A lot of heads nodding. I feel like that's me now.

It's kind of athletic and young, but you know what? It's time to grow up a little bit. And then you just, you buy a pair of their pants. So what, this is just like a dad pants store? It kind of is. It's like half yoga mom, half running kind of dad realizing like it's over. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. But like you still want to feel trim, but like it's over. Yeah.

Brought to you by Viorey. Send us some free shit, please. Yeah, my body's melting. You'll love it. Yeah, I feel like I'm about to pour myself into some Vioreys. Yeah, these are... Do you mind? Ow, my dick. That's my dick way down there. It's stretchable. It's stretchy, right? This was one of our favorite bits on Workaholics where if there was like a guest star or something... Do it, do it, do it.

Oh, dude, the middle of my dick. Ah, shit, dude. You got me right in the middle of my dick. Right smack dab in the middle of where my dick ends up. Just got me right in the halfway point. Halfway down my vorioris. Should we do some topical topics? Okay, sure. Here we are. Wait, hold on. Louisville hot topics. Hit me with it, Blake. Wait, hold on a second.

Wow, that was quiet. That didn't sound great. That was really quiet. Hit me with it. Okay. There we go. Hit me with it, Blake. I'm so excited. Here we go. There we go. Happy Friday the 13th, Kyle. Jump the gun there. It is Friday the... Very spooky. And evidently there's like a really haunted hotel here in Louisville. What? The Seelbach Hotel is swelled with 116 years of history. There's multiple accounts... Yeah. Yeah.

Is that how you say it? How the fuck do you say anything in this town? God damn it! The Seelbach Hotel. 116 years old, so it has to be haunted, dude. I remember when it opened. There are multiple accounts of current guests spotting ghoulish guests whose spirits still roam the building.

Dude, I love that. I love that shit. Dude, my Hollywood house, people have said that they've seen people in it. I believe that. They say that it's haunted. That's TMZ looking through your windows at you. Yeah, for sure. We see you, dude. I mean, dude, they're walking around. They're on a different plane. They're walking around. They're enjoying the show with us right now. Hello. How are you all out there? There was an old actor that lived in my house, Cesar Romero, and he was the original Joker. Yes, yes.

And he lived in my house. And he was like one of the first undercover gay dudes. Whoa. And there's a rumor that him and Rock Hudson used to fuck. So I was probably having some like tons of gay butt fucking in my... Wait, him and who? In my Hollywood house. Him and who? Rock. Rock Hudson. Oh, shit. That's kind of cool. That's the kind of ghost you want. Yeah, just like super... The two hottest dudes in Hollywood fucking in your bed? Yeah. Well, different bed, but...

Guest room. Are you sure? I brought my own bed when I moved into the house. Did you? It was just like, there's an antique bed in the bedroom. You can't move it. Cool. I'll take it. The joke is to fuck on this bed. Oh, God.

Okay. Seelbach Hotel. I'll get you, Batman. One of the historic Louisville hotels' most famous ghost stories is that of the lady in blue. On July 16th, 1936, 24-year-old Patricia Wilson was found in one of the hotel elevator shafts wearing a long blue dress with long dark hair. A newspaper report listed her death as a suicide or accident. Or was it?

It wasn't. It wasn't. Said my lady who throws rocks at cars. What's up? White Wizard, you heard of this shit? Dude. Yeah. It checks out. Everyone knows this shit, right? Oh, so a lot of people don't. Okay. There were reports of Lady in Blue roaming the floors of the hotels decades after her death. Yeah. In 1987, a hotel cook named James Scott was making waffles. That's sick. Dope. It's in the details. In 1987, he's just like, so I was making some waffles, right? Yeah.

No, waffles. They say waffles. We say things a little different here. We're making some waffles and omelets. The Waffle Hoos. Waffles and omelets for Sunday brunch when he saw a young woman with long dark hair wearing a long blue dress walking in an elevator and disappearing. He told the chef what he had seen and the chef sort of laughed at him like, you fucking dork. And said, what's so bad about a lady walking in the elevator? He said, you don't understand, you bitch. What?

The doors were closed and she walked through the fucking doors, man. Oh, shit. I'm not paid enough for this shit, dog. Fuck your waffles. Fuck your waffles. That was the next part. This is like a monologue. You're doing great. The doors of the elevator were pried open, but nothing suspicious was found. Before it's bullshit, right? Yeah.

Before the security guard could file the report, a housekeeper came in saying she saw a woman in blue walk into that same broken elevator on the eighth floor. Spooky! Adam, you did a great job. Thanks, dude. Great job reading that. Dude, did you guys know that fucking, hit me with it, Blake. With what? Hit me with it. Are we going to talk about that or are you just going to read the news? Because I don't like that. Here.

No, no, I don't want to read either. No, what... I thought we were talking about this to like drum up conversation. The ghost? They could go read the internet. There was a lot of information here. I know, but that's what I'm saying is like they can go read that at home. What's crazy is like so... What's Kyle's hot take? Well, my question about the whole like whatever the other dimension is, why are they fucking... That's not real.

Go ahead. It's probable that it's real. Yeah. And you can't say that it's not real. There's no way you can actually say that ghosts are not real. Is it real? I mean, I said it, but I don't believe that. Especially on Friday the 13th. I feel like most people who say that ghosts aren't real are actually very scared of ghosts. Yeah, you're scared of ghosts. Or am I a ghost?

Or they're ghosts themselves. Now, that I would understand. But I don't understand why they're stuck. Why are they stuck in this hotel? They can't go outside of the walls? Yeah, the rules don't make sense because...

It's not real, mate. No, dude. It's fucking, there's no way. The thing about the lady in the blue dress at the Seelbach Hotel is she committed suicide. So then whatever the rules of the afterlife are, are like, okay, now you got to like stay in this hotel. And I hope the Seelbach Hotel is dope.

It is. So, like, kind of a cool place to get stuck. Right. It's like, yeah, like, you want to get stuck in, like, the Shining Hotel and cool places like that. Sure. Yeah. Or the Seelbach. Or the Seelbach. Yeah. And she for sure watches you watch Pornhub. Yeah. It's just this lady in a blue dress just watching me just disgusted. Just like, Jesus. If there is another dimension. Go outside, dude. You're in a new city. Walk around a little bit. Oh, you're going...

For another round. Okay. If there is another dimension. You're doing it two-handed. Now you can't. There's not enough there. Is this the last video you're watching? And now you're clicking the weed commercial. Now you can't touch your computer.

Kyle, I'm just tripping a little bit because I'm thinking like if there is another dimension, like is it possible that it might actually be the internet? Is that where the ghosts are? Wait, what? Yeah. I'm going to go take a shit. Who cares? I'm going to go take a quick one. Kyle, I was with you until the other dimension is the internet. Yeah, dude.

So the other dimension is Oreo's.com. Yeah, I'm definitely making a big leap here. I understand I'm doing a big leap. But I'm just tripping on that a little bit. You're saying that the spirit realm is the World Wide Web. And we're just now starting to tap into it. Oh, okay. I kind of like this. We're at the beginning of that. Very spooky. So the porno that you're watching, the grandma's,

Could be ghosts. Shut up, bitch! Yeah, you know, follow me if you want to. Don't, you know, I'm just bitballing up here. I don't know, man. This is dimensional shit, bro. Yeah, okay.

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I have a way to make your morning more efficient. You can get caught up on the news in about seven minutes. That is my promise to you as the host of the seven podcast from the Washington Post. And in that time, I will run down seven stories, everything from the most important headlines to fascinating new information you might miss otherwise.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. So Bigfoot is spotted walking through rural Colorado. Did you guys see this photo? I saw this video. I saw this video. Okay. They were looking for elk, but for sure it's just a guy in a ghillie suit. Yeah. And they're like, go down there. I'm going to film you. This shit's going viral, dude. Yeah.

Wait. For sure it's that? Why? Why is it not? Yeah, it could have just been a new attack. I mean, also it could just be the internet, Kyle. Yeah, wait. Well, it could be artificial intelligence. It could be made. It could be built in VR. Wait, what? Yeah, I mean, I think. Yeah, I guess that makes more sense than just a man in a ghillie suit. No, no. Yeah.

You really think, did you see the video? In this day and age? And you think it's a guy in a, you think it's staged a guy in a ghillie suit, which makes total sense. I mean, by the way. Yeah, I think that, uh,

Probably it's a guy in a ghillie suit and Bigfoot isn't real, but also don't put Bigfoot's real. And also, why are we scared of Bigfoot? There's like fucking bears in the woods, dude. I know. There's no reason to be scared of Bigfoot. Like, that'll just rip your face off. Bigfoot doesn't like to get seen. No. He's just sort of chilling. And he's cool. He'll befriend your family, the Hendersons. Yes. Exactly. He loves beef jerky. He's a huge fan of beef jerky. He's like, whoo!

What was the name of that movie? Harry and the Hendersons. In a television show. Hey, White Wizard, do you like that? Do you like that movie? Yeah, fuck yeah, he does. Yes, points! I re-watched it recently. It's so bad. It's crazy. That sucks when certain movies from your childhood that you're like, this is the best movie that you re-watched. But greatest last shot of any movie ever.

Okay, what is it? So bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. And then the last shot where he heads back into the woods and then from the tree stump, the little kid shows up and then from another tree, the wife is there and then they all walk off together and you're like, dude, they might be for real out there.

Wee-ooh. Fuck yeah, dude. Yeah. We'll say less. Say less. Yeah. Say less. That might be right, but at the same time, watch the movie. You'll cry. The end will get you. Hit me with it. Oh, yeah, of course. Dude, this one's sad. This Chicago woman, she was 104 years old. You guys see this shit?

She skydives from a plane. She was aiming for the record to be the oldest, world's oldest skydiver. Okay. And she was. She did it. She landed? She died the next fucking day, dude. What? Okay, that's not bad.

Way shitty, dude. No, it's not. She's 104 and then she skydoved. Yeah, I thought you were going to say she died while she was doing it, but she fucking went out gnar as fuck, dude. Yeah, she was probably like fucking... Nucky grandma! She probably was like, I skydived. I'm going to go fucking crazy the next day and then die. What was she doing when she died? She skydived. Well, the next day she did do a lot of methamphetamines, it says. Right.

So she was like, I'm going to try everything right at the end. No, she did say as she was jumping out of the plane, let's go. Whoa. So she was kind of a bro grandma. Let's go. Let's go. Or she just said, let's go.

She said it in a Tom DeLonge accent. Let's go! Let's go! She probably didn't even know where she was. She thought she was going to the grocery store. She's like, let's go, sonny! And they're like, we're pushing you out of a plane, old lady. When did I sign up for this? I don't remember. Just go. Have you guys ever skydived?

I have not skydiven before. Yes, I have. No, that's too white. Have you done it? Yes. Yeah. A few times. Yeah, I did it two times. That's freaking sick. I don't think I'll do it again, though. No? No. What if you were 104? Huh? When you're 104, would you do it again? Maybe. Maybe. Let's make a promise. I'm going to do it if you're 104 and you're like...

Randy to die. Yeah, you're bored as fuck. I feel like that's a good way to go. Or just driving a car right off a bridge. Yeah, just fucking jump. Just say fuck. Because you know how like whenever you're on a big bridge, you're like, it'd be kind of tight. Let's see what happens. Yeah. But then you're like, I bet I could actually make it if you launch off this bridge last second. Roll out? Just roll? Yeah, you roll out, dude. Sure.

You've got to open up a door and the door is open when you launch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, so you launch and then you time it just right. And then I have a convertible, right? So a stand-up. Oh, okay, okay. Like Vin Diesel in Triple X. Yeah, but wait. I would love to see a 104-year-old standing in a fucking convertible that goes off a clamp where he just goes...

Because there's no athleticism in it. It has to be like you move the weight of your head and the rest of the body follows. Yeah. Like, I think that's a bumper. And I sing as I'm going out. Please just stop the ball. But do you live? You live. You live to tell the tale.

Should we get some Q&As? Let's get some hot, hot Q&As. Oh, hell yeah. Bring them out. Bring them out. Isaac Horn, everybody. Take it off. Take it off. Toasty. Show us your nipples, Isaac. Yeah. We're really gunning. We've asked him every date of the tour so far. Wait, his shirt's off. Wait, his pants are down. Oh, he's jerking off right now. Oh, my God. Dude, you have a family. Don't.

This is your entire reputation. You're fired. He's putting up his legs and he's fingering his own asshole. Oh, God. Oh, Isaac's disgusting. So Anna and Nick want to know what happened to I'm still going to send it on the soundboard. I don't know. I black out at nights and it's right here. I'm still going to send it. Hell yeah.

Hey, hit us a few times with that. I'm still going to send it. Yeah, I feel like you'd owe some for the grandma that sent it. You know what I mean? Hey, go through the soundboard and let's do some deep cuts. Appreciation of the soundboard right now. Here we go. I'm your friend. I'm a dude. Great ass. Pizza, pizza. I'm still going to send it. I just want a party. He's so good. Smoke weed every day. Freaking see ya. Water trash. Can of Fanta's.

Remember Smoke Weed Every Day? How hard it was to time to say it at the end of the song? Because there's the end of the song. It's a bomb! Smoke weed every day. It's just life. Joe Dirt, baby. Joe Dirt, baby. Hell yeah, dude. We can see us. Hey, you know none of us are in that movie, right?

Frickin' see ya. Thank you. Joe Dirt in the dirt. Frickin' see ya. So, Sarah Pelcha, she wants to know, if you were a pizza topping, what would you be and why? Pizza, pizza. If you were a pizza topping. Pineapple, because nobody likes me.

But the people that do really like you. Yeah, dude. I fuck with pineapple on pizza. Acquired taste. Acquired taste. But doesn't that... Wasn't that like a... Was it Gen Z or millennials that were like trying to flex on people older? They were like, if you like pineapple, you're old.

If you like pineapple in general. No, on your pizza. Oh, on your pizza. I've never liked that shit. As a 40-year-old man who's about to buy those pants, fuck those kids. They don't know shit. Me and the white wizard, no. All right, cool, bro. Do you know what you are or should I go? I know what I would be. Okay. I think it'd be buffalo mozzarella. A specific... What words did you just say? Buffalo mozzarella. Oh, man. It's a type of mozzarella cheese. You stole mine. Pizza, pizza. Oh, man.

That's what I'd be. So why? It's soft. Tastes good. Yeah. Hell yeah. I like it. What would you be, Ders? Human skin or... Or... Or... Like a... Human skin. Jalapeno. Jalapeno. Spicy pizza. I'll be an onion. White and slippery. Yeah. I see that for you. Pizza, pizza. I feel like I would be...

Meat lovers. Yeah, meat lovers. Because like... That's your one topping is meat lovers? Adam, don't say one topping. What topping? You know it couldn't be anything else. It's got to be meat lovers for my guy. I agree with you. I agree with you. Look, I'm a little butterball of braggadocio. Baby, baby. I do like to think that Adam thinks that five different meats is one topping. That's what I was saying. That's what I was saying. Yeah, that's cool. Well, dude, when you order a pizza, you just say...

Meat lovers, man. I love the meat. I agree. And the reason being, because it's fucking dope. Yeah, dude. Okay, so Nate Dogg wants to know, this is a question for Isaac. Isaac? Isaac Horn, please come out here. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Oh, he got dressed. Nate Dogg with a W would like to know, question for Isaac. Simple and to the point. Out of Durs, Kyle, Adam, and Blake...

Who's your favorite and why? Hold up. Uh-oh. They're all my favorite. Yeah. There you go. Yes. There you go. Hey, fucking lay off him, dude. Isaac, you're not done. Are you trying to make... You have to go through and say what you like about each of us and then also a thing that you don't like about each of us. Okay. It's science. Let's start with Kyle. Yeah, go ahead. I'm an easy target. Hit me. Hit me, baby.

I like getting weird with Kyle and talking about aliens and ghosts and whatnot. That's great. I love it. Yes, points! Drinking with Adam's always fun. Okay. Yes, points! Ders and I talking swimming, water polo, you know. That's right. That's a big role.

Blake and I listening to music, punk rock, getting radical. And that's it. I don't like you guys telling me to show my tits. Okay. Fair enough. He said he likes it? He said I don't like it. I want that sound clip.

Just Isaac, a little sassy. Just, I don't like when you guys tell me to show my tits. So good. That's a good bite. I just don't like it when you guys tell me to show my tits. You know what, though? Peace. If we stopped, it'd get real lonely. And mic drop. Thank you, Isaac. That was very brave. I wish he just got way too real with us. And he's like, I don't like...

Adam bossed me around it. The abuse. Bullying. So Sarah Smith with a heart over the eye says, what is your craziest or worst tripping or smoking experience, Kyle? Oh, well, I mean, I think we've talked about it on the pod, but I really, well...

There's a couple, but I really did not like robo-tripping. - Oh yeah. - This was something that I did not like. - Yes. - Well do you also remember just a few minutes ago when you said ghosts are the internet? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, okay. - But that's not, what? That's not a problem.

It's a problem. I didn't say it's a problem. I'm just saying like... It's something. I'm assuming you have to be high in order to put those two puzzle pieces together. Well, I mean, constant state of stoned. I get that.

But I think robo-tripping was probably like the worst. Like, I wanted to take a drill to my head the next day. Oh, God. Yeah. What's scary about Kyle saying that is that it's real. I know. He talks about taking a drill to his head a lot, actually. No, dude. I just needed to release the pressure. There was so much fucking pressure. Yeah. I saw Suge Knight in a potted plant one time. Right.

That's pretty bad. What drug? And then what was your worst trip? It was mushrooms. And we were sitting on my buddy's couch. I was like 17 years old. And I look over and there was a potted tree in his living room. And it wasn't the tree anymore. It was Suge Knight. And Suge Knight was just fucking all flexing on me. Just like looking right at me. And I'm like, and I just go, it's Suge.

It's Shug, man! Hold up. And then my buddy Kyle Goons was like, what the fuck are you seeing right now? And I'm like, I'm saying it. I'm seeing Shug Knight. Right. I love that your worst fear is Shug Knight. Yeah, and I don't even know why because I don't, you know. He's so nice. I'll tell you why. He's super cuddly. He's not cuddly at all. He's scary. Shug Knight, dude. That big old cuddle-tuddle. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. We find out Adam and Shug Knight are dating. Yeah. He's actually okay.

Blake? Probably the robo-tripping as well. It was the same night. We all went out with our scumbag friends from Northern California and we're like, let's all drink a whole bottle of Robitessin each. And...

And suddenly you just started rapping like Lil Wayne. Right. Like a million here, a million there. No, that's like coding. A million there. A million there. A million there. A million. I swam to the butt. It's just all of us. A million, a million, a million, a million, a million, a million, a million.

Yeah, no, it was bad. You just all of a sudden become like really talented rappers. Yeah, no, it's not fun. And you like, you throw up. That's how it like activates. Oh, cool. You're just like, ah! Ooh!

Oh, man. I remember another time. It was a bummer. I feel like I've talked about this with you guys before, but when me and my homie John did Hot Knives. Oh, yeah. Which is... We went to an apartment after a bar, and these people were like, we're going to do Hot Knives. And we're like, for sure. Essentially, yeah. It's dabbing, essentially. It's a dab, yeah. But you heat up knives. Hot, hot, hot, hot. And then you squish the knives, and then you put like a... Yeah.

You're not part of the show. And then you just fucking put the two liter half over it and you huff. And then our faces just like fell off. Yeah, that's some concentrated shit right there. That's going to get you fucking going. I forgot another one. I accidentally smoked embalming fluid once.

The cause of diarrhea. Embalming fluid? Embalming. Embalming? Yeah. Yeah, it was... I smoked weed with this kid. It was like an underclassman. He's like, dude, can you give me a ride? And I'm like, no. I'm a fucking senior, dude. Get out of here. And he was like, I'll smoke weed with you. And I'm like, get in. And...

And so I'm like giving him a ride and smoking weed. And he's like, have you ever smoked weed with embalming fluid in it? And this is after we've smoked the weed. And I go, fuck, ew, no, of course not, dude. And then he's like, will you buy me cigarettes? And I'm like, fuck this kid. So I go and I'm buying him cigarettes. And then I just found myself looking at the oil. Like I was in the automotive section of the gas station for like 20 minutes. Smoke weed every day.

So, Michael Pulcha...

Fake name? Yeah, fake name. Did you ever think there would really be a live show? And what's your favorite part? What's your favorite part of the live show, Blake? Of the live show? Honestly, it's like a trip. We've been doing comedy together for a very long time. Is that what you call this? Yeah, yeah. Well, whatever this is. Chucks and gigs. Just seeing the faces of fans who've been rocking with us for a long time, it's been very, very cool. Yeah, yeah.

For me, it's like we've been doing comedy for a very long time and just seeing the asses of the people who've been rocking with us for a very long time. Yeah, baby. Great ass! Because, you know, we've been doing comedy together for a very long time. Is that what you call this? Great ass!

Yeah, no, I think it's getting to hang with my guys and as is you know when I've been getting you know when I drink a half bottle of vodka last night and then I tell you guys how much I love you and it's because I do I love you guys. Yeah. Love you too. I love you too. And that is it. And also with you. And Kyle? For me, you know, we've been doing comedy a long time. And just see...

Yeah, the Chucks and the gigs. There it is, the laughs. But the live show, I didn't see this coming. I didn't know we were going to be doing a live show. It's great to see you guys. It's fucking epic. It's very cool.

It's bonkers. We did not expect this. We could see, we could read, this is like, I don't know, man, we've read the compliments our whole career with comedy and read all the compliments section and everything like that. And to see everybody out, it really is wild. It's cool. Yeah, we don't call it the comment section. We call it the compliment section. Yeah, we don't read anything that's not a compliment. And KDG would like to know, could you guys turn it down real quick and wish my husband a happy birthday? His name is...

Justin G. It looks like Judson. Judson? Do you love him? Fake name. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Judson G. Judson.

We love you, bud. Happy birthday, bud. You look great, dude. You look great. Oh, this one. Tara wants to know, can you guys hit us with some dojo bros? And do you guys remember? I mean, it goes. If you want any of this, girl, you better dial up my number. And if you don't know karate, don't call. Because I want your body, body, body.

I know jujitsu and you got my hold of my heart. Love you.

from the start. Cause I love to think of you. Karate chop through my head. And if you don't know karate, my girl, you'd have to be dead. Do you want any of this, girl? Cause if you do, you better dial up my number. But if you don't know karate, don't call. Cause I want your body, body, body.

Yeah, so I guess we did remember one verse. Any take backs, any apologies, any epic slams? I'm going to just take back everything I said about cornfields that came out of nowhere. I was still warming up. Yeah, nothing with me and cornfields has ever happened. Okay, that sounds like you're in denial. Okay.

I got no take-backs. I'm sorry I yelled at you, but I'm not taking it back. That's an apology. I stand by what I said about whiskey and the fervor that you guys had towards me. It was a lot. I would like for you to take that back. That was a simple mistake. Okay. And I know it's bourbon. And...

Oh boy, do I love bourbon. Oh boy. I would actually like to double down on... Oh, a double down. A rare double down. Ghosts on the internet, man.

You didn't say ghosts on the internet. No, you said ghosts are... You said the internet was the other dimension where ghosts preside. Ghosts are the internet. You are so dumb. The internet is ghosts. I'm going to double down on that concept. I'm doubling down on that concept. And I'm going to apologize on behalf of him for... And I'm not taking it back. Here, we got some epic giveaways right here. Oh, let me throw the Aruba Lord one. Oh, baby. Stop!

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And this is another episode of This is Important. Thank you. So I have some big news for vegans and vegetarians everywhere. It's Hellman's plant-based mayo spread and dressing. Made for people with a plant-based diet or anyone really who wants to enjoy the great taste of Hellman's real without the eggs. Hellman's plant-based is perfect for sandwiches, salads, veggie burgers, or any of your family favorites.

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