Ep 166: Live from Salt Lake City: SLC Hunks & Salt Lake Titties
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And if you're listening at home, I'm fucking the air.

Let's go. Yeah, man. Wow. And the worst flavor goes out to the milk chocolate buzz ball that you all just drank. What is it? This is a chocolate one? We have not had this one on the road yet, and I'm going to have diarrhea for sure. It's chocolate? It's the chocolate one? Holy shit. That is like poison milk, and I love it.

It got held up like in... We had like a buzz ball shipment being sent. And it got held up so they went to the local liquor store or whatever you guys have here and...

Got buzz balls and you only have the shittiest flavor. So that is our bad. A point of pride I see here at SLC. Chocolate's the worst? Like, it's the worst? It's pretty rough. I mean, I think it has dairy in it, so... Oh, yeah. We just gave everyone...

The cause of diarrhea. The cause of diarrhea. Diarrhea. It's in the little ball, ladies and gentlemen. So thanks for coming out, guys. What's up? We really appreciate it. Yeah, cool. What's up? This is cool. Yeah, we didn't know what to expect. And then all of a sudden we saw the tickets being sold here. And we're like, oh, there's some freaks out here in SLC. Yeah, there are. Oh, some punks. I knew you were out here. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah.

You're always peeking behind the curtain, you freaks. Yeah. Utah's kind of a mystery like that, huh? What do you mean, dude? I'm just saying other states were kind of like, what does go on in Utah? Utah.

I think the word is misnomers. Misnomers. You know what? Adam, that word is so good. Yes, points. Points for vocabulary. We're not even giving points to a funny or clever joke. It's just knowing words. Vocabulary points. Vocab points. I might have misused it. Because what do you think it means? What I think a misnomer means is you think it's one thing. And then like a misnomer

And then it's not that thing. Like, I've been saying that there's not alcohol here. And we just went to dinner and I'm drunk as fuck. And there was alcohol. No, I'm okay. I'm moderately intoxicated. But

But there is real alcohol out here. I can taste it. Nice. I don't... Well, you know, because I feel... When did they change that? I felt like when I was a kid, I grew up in Nebraska, and you always heard that in Utah, it was like five... Whatever they called it. What? What do you mean? Like it's a dry state? It wasn't dry, but it was less alcohol. Yeah, like... Utah! Utah!

What is he looking for? 3%. Utah. 2%. Utah. 3.2%. That's a tinier amount. 3.2%. Oh, so 3.2%. So is that, sorry, is that, so 3.2% alcohol by content or whatever is what the limit is? So that's like a beer, right? Yeah. Sure. So 3.2%, normally a beer is like 5. 5. 7? 5. 8? I don't know if that's true.

I feel like that's pretty high for a beer. But those ones, what does that say on the can? You can figure it out right there on the can. Hang on, you guys, just give us five minutes here. We're going to read a can. Just give us five to ten minutes. Well, you're not supposed to drink it. Should we turn the Paul Simon back on while we just read these cans real quick? It seems like these cans are full of misnomers. Yeah. We can't find the number. Misnumbers. Hey. Hey, all right. Hey. Yes, points. Misnumbers. Boom. Boom.

I hurt my shoulder. So now I know that you guys party. There's booze here. And then also, tons of beautiful people here, too. Okay. Gorgeous. You guys are gorgeous. Not gorgeous people. Not you guys, necessarily. Oh, right. We covered that. Not you guys. I feel like our fans skew homely. Skew homely. And that's fun. That's how we like them. You take after us. You're like, we're regular people.

I'm just an average guy. A lot of Arby's coupons in the wallet. Yeah.

They got the meats. But dude, I was watching the local news earlier in the hotel, and there's some 50-year-old super babes out there. Love it. All blonde, silver blonde hair, silver blondish. It's got to be the mountains, right? It's got to be the mountains that surround us. It's got to be. It's got to be the mountains. They're the mountains, all right, if you know what I'm talking about. Your boobs are huge. Adam, are you here? I don't. Mountains? You want me to expand? Yeah.

Yeah, expand. Please expand. They're in the mountains all right, and then you nodded. Well, you were talking about, like, the weather. Oh, their tits are like... Yeah, he's saying too much. Should I have said she's got great weather balloons?

Well, I didn't say the women here have huge tits. I said the people here are beautiful. Well, I equate chest size with beauty. Oh, do you? Yeah, that's why Dolly Parton is my number one. Are you trying to fuck me or what? If I had to fuck one of the crew, yes, I would titty fuck you, sir. That's my guy. Well, that's a good question. If we had to fuck... Titty fuck.

Or just titty fuck. I think that's what we stumbled into right now. Okay, well then, that's not even fair because Durst has the only titties to fuck. So what's wrong with that? So we're all titty fucking Durst. I feel like that's pretty fair. Okay, all right. That's awesome. So you win. This is the one thing I won. Not really. Wait, but Durst can't titty fuck himself. Let's keep it real. You don't think I can? No, you cannot titty fuck. Turn the Paul Simon back on.

And also, this is one of the first true glances in this nice light that I'm seeing of your outfit because we just were out. We just went to dinner and he wasn't wearing this. Nope. And then I... Took a shit. Took a shit.

And when I came out from taking the number two, it was fully changed. Well, I got to tell you guys, coming into Utah, Utah, Utah, Utah, number two. I feel like this is one of the coziest states, right? Okay.

Right? So you throw on like your cozy... Known for the beautiful people and the cozy. Yeah. And huge tittied weather women. I didn't say huge tittied. Well, what's cozier than some big old blam dogs? I was the one who mentioned the mountains and it was just because I thought the air is better and that makes more beautiful people. I don't know. You're not talking about the meat mountains? And then you went all crass in front of all these people.

First of all, if I know our fans, they don't want to hear crass. No, man. Come on. They don't want to hear about the cause of diarrhea. They don't want to hear about the size of our buttholes. They want to hear about whether they're tight or loose.

Yeah, they want to hear about Durr's titty-fucking himself. Well, that's a skill. That's not just gross for gross' sake. That's pretty cool. It is cool. There's a wonderful visual behind that. It's like an acrobatic visual in my mind. I like to think this is a window into Durr's giving the birds and the bees speech. And he's like, and then there's titty-fucking. And...

I mean, it's just way too in depth. I feel like that's, but I feel like that might be okay. I feel like that might be cool to like tell your, your young teenage kid, just so they're not like going to go knock somebody up right out the gate. You're like, by the way, yes, there's a thing you can do. There's a thing called Teddy fucking. That's good. That's you got 12 months to do that. Yeah. I feel like that. And women love it. Yeah, they love it. I know women and I don't.

They love it. You straddle the chest. Yeah. So it's not so much a birds and the bees talk. It's a...

The titties in the fucking... It's a crevasse conversation. That would be like a contraceptive, right? That's a titty fucking is a contraceptive? No, that's not... Because they're not going to fuck. It's not a contraceptive. This all feels like a misnomer to me. I mean, by that rationale, just like getting into an elevator, also contraceptive. Yeah, but they're not doing that type of fucking in the elevator. You know what I mean?

Yes, but just not fucking doesn't make something a contraceptive. True. I probably used the wrong word. I'm all good with that, bro. Dude, you're a stupid dumbass. Yes, and you're being a total misnomer about everything. But I also, I guess I don't know what contraceptive means. I thought that meant like that's what a condom is, and I thought like a receptive is...

She's recepting. Right. You're trying to contra that. No, you're trying to contra the reception.

You know what all that reception... So you thought that the root word was counter-receptive or something like that? But it is. Isn't contra... Contra means not. So shouldn't it be... Yeah! From the Greek latoniousness... You fucking idiot. Oh, dude, I don't fucking know shit. Like contrary. Right. So ception... I'm thinking it should be... I don't know. Conception. The word should be... Conception. It should be... Yeah, Kyle. Yeah.

We know. Okay. Shouldn't it be cock reception? Well, no, because it's the opposite. No, it shouldn't be. It could be. You describe what that means to you.

Well, I was watching the news. And all of a sudden, my dick flopped out. Yeah. Yeah. And that was cock reception. Cock reception. Yeah, that's masturbation. What's going on here? I've noticed the last few shows, this has become Blake's resting gargoyle. It's like ready to get up. He thinks he's part of the gargoyles cartoon. Is this a weird way to sit? Just...

This is... I don't know. I've been doing that. I will say that I've been doing this a lot. Uh-huh. And it's because I'm obese now. Right. So what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to tuck the gut in, lean over... Yeah.

Have this, the neck out. You're tucking it? Yeah, I'm tucking back. Okay. And then also, my arms are my pride and joy. Yes, they are. You got to pump these up. They're up front. Great ass! Shoulders forward. Yeah, shoulders forward. Yeah, baby. So let's get the jacket off. Yeah, let's see the arms, bro. Oh, you want to see it? What are we doing here? I'm still going to send it. Oh, shit! I'm hot. Oh, my goodness.

Oh my he's grabbing it. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Adam, what are the gun laws? What are the gun laws in Utah? Good question. That shit's important. What's crazy to me is that your bicep and your shoulder are like the same size and that's not a big that's a scientific observation of it's science mine.

Oh, he's putting it back on. I feel like Adam is working to a point where everything on you is the exact same size. Yeah, I'm freakish. It's all the same circumference, everything. We got to acknowledge the facial hair. I know, let's talk about this shit. Can you guys see that in the balcony? I don't know if you can see it in the upper deck. Very shagadelic. I mean, you don't...

It's pretty real. Those chops are something that I am jealous of. Well, see, the thing is, is I've always known I can grow these chops, but have you ever seen a fully grown, almost 40-year-old man with a purely blonde mustache? Right. A mustache that is thick if you get close, but from a distance, you're like, he does not have a mustache. Yeah, it's not there. Do you do, like, lemon juice in it and then lay out in the sun?

I don't do anything. I'm just very Nordic when it comes to my upper lip. Hey, nothing wrong with that. Okie dokie. Ow. Well, because it looks like you're a little ahead for Halloween and you're going to be the dude from Trailer Park Boys. Yeah, I could see that. I definitely look like a dad who's always trying to fix your car.

I'll take a look at it. Hey, what you got under the hood there? And you're like, it's a 93 Cavalier convertible. Yeah, we're good. Not much. It's this old Sebring. Ooh, is that carbureted? Well, let me see it. That's carbureted. Let me get under there. You also know nothing about cars? Exactly. What do you got under there? The engine? What's under there? A motor? Is this your car? That's a battery right there. Now, what are those? Those are...

Oh, yeah. Those are hubcaps on those wheels as well. Those are nice. How be damned? You got some of those doors on this thing, huh? So what is this made out of? This metal? Yeah. Do those doors lock? Because... Yeah.

Your tailpipe's in the back. Dude, when I was a kid, I tried to... I had a 93, no big deal, Cavalier convertible, salvage title, and... Salvage title's rock, dude. Salvage title, dude. And I took out a loan to buy it. What does salvage title mean? Like, you got it from the police officer? That means it was destroyed in a wreck, and they cobbled it together like an automotive Frankenstein. And that's what I drive around. It's like... Exactly. Exactly.

And so I own this car, and I was just turned 16 years old, and my buddy was like, we got to juice this thing up. I'm like, hell yeah. Let's spray paint the hubcaps. We got to juice it. And then put the lug nuts and paint those white to match the sick car. Sure. And so we did it. We took off all the... The hubbies. The hubs. And so you got to take the lug nuts off, and then...

We ran out of spray paint. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, fuck, we need more spray paint. And then I go, I know the guy to drive us. And we get back in the car. And then I drove it down my buddy's hill. Without the lugs? Without putting the lug nuts back on. And a wheel popped off. And we just rolled 15 feet down. Just with sparks flying. Yeah, yeah.

And your dad came out and was like, I think a wheel fell off. Yeah. You're missing a wheel there. You're welcome. What is this? Three wheels? Yeah.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you're supposed to have four. Okay. Makes a lot of sense. That could have been really bad, dude. Yeah, dude. I should be dead. You could have died. I don't know why you're joking about it. That's a near-death experience. Do you think that was your final destination? Ooh, it's close to Halloween. Is Final Destination a Halloween? A very spooky episode. Would you call Final Destination a horror? Yes! Yes!

Hey, whoever said yes, you're a bitch. Holy shit. Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. Isn't Final Destination kind of just what's going to happen to all of us? Okay. Whoa.

And is that a horror or is it just kind of, whoa, something to know? Yeah, but that's not... No one dies in their sleep as an old person in Final Destination. I can't... Like, that's going to happen to at least, like, 40% of us. Dude. Some of us might be, like, walking along a train track and there's, like, a piece of metal that's jingling along. And then it shoots out and goes... Full train to the face. But probably most of us will just...

die of lung cancer. I don't know. I walked around your fair city today. I feel like a lot of people are going to go in a weird way. Is weed legal here yet?

Is weed legal? No. No. Damn. That's a bummer. Sorry about that. I mean, just booze was legal just like 10 years ago, man. They just got beer. Chill out, man. Yeah. Well, I just thought it could be like, you know, like... Hey, is heroin legal here yet? Ah, bummer. Sorry. Bummer. Bummer. And, oh, you should do it because you should see the streets of Los Angeles.

Oh, it's so nice there right now. They're pretty cool. You have to go. Anywhere you need to go to warm your hands, there's fires everywhere. They call them fun burn pits. They're on the corner of every street.

Utah. Fun little burn pit. Utah. That's cool. Hey, what is this one? Salt Lake City. That's some Beach Boys shit, huh? What is it? Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City. Oh, nice. When do the Beach Boys... What song is that? They're like, we're going surfing on the mountain. It's called Salt Lake City. Oh, it is? Yeah. Damn. I mean, the Beach Boys were... Their name...

Is the Beach Boys. What made them go, you know what? Not this track. I guess we got to listen to it. Hey, Charlie. Charlie Manson, roll with us real quick. He was a homie? Yeah, Charlie Manson was a homie of the Beach Boys. Dude, something tells me they had a lot of fun out here, the Beach Boys. Charlie Manson rolled with them, and I think one of them took one of Charlie Manson's songs.

This is kind of Halloween spooky. Spooky episode. I think this could be more, but I think that one of the Wilson brothers took a song from him and then he got fucking pissed. Was this Luke or was this Owen? He was like, cha-cha-cha-cha. And then who else? I can't remember. I think it's Luke and Owen. They're in Bottle Rocket. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

I'm going to look up the Salt Lake City lyrics. Okay, you guys, if you could just give us five minutes. He's going to look this up real quick. Maybe we run the Paul Simon again. Well, we can listen to it for sure. What are you looking up? Yeah, the track. It's kind of tight. Oh, this is the Beach Boys track? Whoa, it sounds totally different than every Beach Boys song. They're like, let's make the same song again, but for another place. Salt Lake City.

Yeah. That seems right.

They're like, what if we made the exact same song again for another place we like? Right. The little old lady from Salt Lake City. They're like, I watched the local news in Salt Lake City, and we've got to go. Guys, this is kind of a Halloween spooky lyric. Oh, what's up, dude? All right, fuck. This is the third verse. He's like, and this town doesn't suit you. This town doesn't suit me. Let's start a new life in Salt Lake City, okay? Okay. This is where it gets a little spooky. Okay.

You cry the day through, I'm dead and empty. Whoa. Oh, shit. And then it's...

Let's hope it's different in Salt Lake City. Oh my God. Jesus. That's Brian Wilson all the way, right? Yeah, Brian Wilson dealing with some real, real infinite sadness in his belly. But then the chords, he's the one that says the lyrics. He's like, I'm dying inside. I want to kill myself. I want to slit my throat and bleed out in front of all my friends and family.

And then the other Beach Boys were like, and the song goes like this. Ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding. Yeah, they were just poems before he plugged them in. Do you care if we talk about sand and surfing and then get to you mutilating yourself? You know what's fun in the sun when it surfs up? Then I slip my wrist the long way. I wish a shark would eat me through my stomach.

Feed me to dogs. I want you to bleed me out and then put me in one of those burn pits. Take a hot poker and shove it up my asshole. In Salt Lake City. Stick my head in the fire. Burn all my hair off. Is this your axe? Can I borrow it? Gonna chop off my

and then surf all day. Take some left-handed scissors and cut open my nutsack. Cut off my nutsack. Catch a wave, fall off, and never come up now. Wouldn't the world be better if I was dead? That's what my dad said. I'm paddling out into the storm and I'm not coming back now. Not coming back. And the executives are like,

Sounds great. He's like, honestly, no one listens to the lyrics. Yeah, no one really cares. Is it going to be pretty upbeat? It is. All right, we're in. All right. Top tempo. All right, let's get in the bus. Let's go to Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City.

Right.

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Every day, we are driven to get the facts, find the sources, listen to the voices, and tell the stories that illuminate what matters. Democracy dies in darkness. That's where we come in. The Washington Post. Switch on. Subscribe today at WashingtonPost.com slash iHeart. Blake, do you know what you're going to be for Halloween? Because Blake...

Giving credit where credit's due goes very hard on Halloween with the costumes. Well... Guys, give him... Not flowers. Credit. Credit. Credit where credit's due. I love Halloween. I think it's my second favorite holiday for sure. After Arbor Day. Great question. Thank you. And I'll tell you at the end of the show. Oh, this is like... No, I love Thanksgiving. I just think...

I love stuffing and turkey and cranberry. So, okay, Thanksgiving's your favorite. Halloween's your second favorite. Halloween's my second favorite because... Okay, let's go top 75. Top 75 holidays. Thanksgiving, Halloween, Arbor Day, Flag Day. Okay, so, and we got to four. So why Halloween? Because I don't love Halloween. What the, huh? Whoa. Halloween's dope. Halloween is fucking... Hey, no, shut up! Halloween's dope, you're wrong. Let me defend myself!

Okay, you have the floor. That's why I don't love Halloween. I love the vibe around Halloween. Okay, here we go. But I don't like getting a costume. I never do it. That's the vibe. Go ahead. But I like the fall. Adam, you are literally, you look like a Civil War general right now, and you don't like costumes.

Right. Not so much a general. I look like an enlisted man. Right. Who's just like marching. You go first. We don't want to hide in a bush. We're just going to march and then...

And then reload. We can fight. Oh, boy. And the general's like, wait till you see the black of their eyes. You're like, that is so fucking close. It's the white of their eyes. It's not the black of the eyes. Not the black. And that's a classic. I don't like where that went. That's a classic misnomer. What do you mean? You can see it.

You can see the white of people's eyes from everywhere. No, you can't. I see so many whites of eyes. That's also questionable. No, you don't. I don't see any whites of eyes out there. It's just a black blob past the sixth row. The shoe's sued!

I can see yours. That means I would... That's some Civil War shit. I don't love Halloween for that fact. Because you don't like dressing up. I don't love the dress up. I like going to parties. I don't necessarily love dressing up. You dress up for your... For me...

I gotta be sexy, right? Wee-ooh! Okay. So when I get dressed up... That's not a misnomer. It's usually a real sexy leotard or a one-piece. Yeah. And then how do I piss? The one that snaps down here? You just pull it to the side. No, you don't. You have to tuck it up in your butt and then piss in your butt. Oh, my God. And that's a whole thing. Yeah, no, that is actually a movement. Kids are calling it fill in the tank. Oh, they are?

That's Gen Z. It's a real problem on TikTok. There's a bunch of kids bending their dick into their own butts and pissing in them. It's another contraceptive. The fill your tank challenge. I'll give you that one. Yes, punch!

So our manager, Isaac, has made... Well, he asked all of us to get on TikTok. I'm the only one that did. And so I just got a TikTok. And you don't have to follow me. It sucks. So I've been on TikTok trying to look to see what I could do. My favorite is those kids that comb all their hair forward and then do this move. Oh, yeah. And then just go like... So sexy. And there's like six shirtless dudes behind him.

Goodbye. They're all of their supportive bros. Just like, you got this, dude. Go be sexy. I love how supportive Gen Z is. It must work. Those guys? It works. They're titty fucking, for sure. They're definitely filling the tank. Well, in high school, guys like that are the ones titty fucking.

And guys that look like us are going, what are titties? Are they mountains? I've heard they're like mountains. What would have been the equivalent in the 90s to getting your dudes together to do one of these videos? There's no equivalent to that. But I think the equivalent of the same type of dude is like the Abercrombie guy. A guy I knew in high school, Caleb,

What's up, Caleb? He was an Abercrombie bro, and he stood outside in the mall shirtless with his pants down to his top dick and girls like, he's the sexiest man alive. Right, right. And that's the same guy is now doing that cool thing. But that's like a job. I'm saying like socially. This is a mating call.

What was the 90s mating call? Like breakdancing, right? It probably was breakdancing. It was like carrying linoleum somewhere and then being like, I could do the splits. Yeah, popping and locking and shit. And then everybody like... No, no.

What? No. Did you grow up in like 1982 Harlem? Well, I'm thinking, because obviously when boy bands showed up, then it became like supportive bros, and now we have what we have now. Sure. I feel like that started it, and that's in what, the late 90s? You are my fire. Okay. The one desire. Believe. I don't know the rest. When I say...

Wow guys, I just got fucking chills dog

We've been singing a lot. Why did you guys just fucking do that? I don't know. I just locked eyes with Kyle and it felt right. And I think that's who Ders is trying to take. It was guys that would honestly sing Backstreet Boys lyrics to each other at parties. I just want to move on. But real quick, and then I'll dive deep into Gaza. Um...

We'll get there. Real deep dive. Real deep dive. Because I have a take. I got this weird take that no one has. You're a fucking disaster, my guy. Backstreet or NSYNC? NSYNC. I think it's NSYNC. Well, I think NSYNC won the battle, but you saw the emotional connectivity. Right.

When I looked into Kyle's eyes, and he's the guy that kind of looks like a wolf, and I'm the guy that combed all of his hair forward that was super hard. Wait, what? What's up? In the Backstreet Boys. You're the one that sort of looks like the wolf, and I'm the one that combed all of his hair forward, and it was really hard looking. Sure. And then Blake is the blonde one who's like Aaron Carter's brother. I want to say his name is Bryce. He's the super young one, right?

The youngest one who probably shouldn't be there. You're the Joey McIntyre type. Thank you. I'm the pervert manager. Just show your thighs. Get your legs out, boys. Yeah, dude. You're for sure the pervy manager. Guys, I...

I hate to announce, but my airdrops are open again and I'm getting some weird shit. So... I forget where we were, like Indianapolis or something. I think it was Columbus. Was it Columbus? I don't know. When is this Kevin James fucking...

When is it going to stop? It's still hilarious. So Blake's... I don't know if you guys are here. People are just airdropping Blake constantly and now it's going to get way worse. This is Kevin James with some Utah mountains on him. That's Kevin James? No.

I can't see it. Dude, this is hot. I can't see the whites of his eyes. You can't see it, but he turns it to all of these people. Well, you're blind. I'm not.

2020 vision right here. Okay? Incredible. Don't call me blind ever again in front of people. Whoa, dude. Seems like you... We've covered this in previous weeks, but Kyle wore the thickest glasses since I knew him for the last 20 years, and then just like three years ago, he took his glasses off, and he's like, I can actually see perfectly. Yeah, but let me... You know what? It's fading again. What? What?

Wait. You're losing your sight? I think I might need to wear some reading glasses. I'm going to go check it out. Well, that's just because we're getting old, homie. It's just from long term, when I read for a long time. Which we can tell you don't do that a lot. When I read, when I read for a long time. And they get tired. Yes.

Your eyes get tired? Yeah. Wow. Okay. I remember when my parents got, or when my dad had to get glasses, I cried. Why? Because I was like, you're blind, dude. You're blind. Oh. And you'll never get to explain to me visually what did he fucking do. Fair enough. Yes, points.

He can still explain it. Yeah, not visually, though. I mean, my dad showed me physically. Yeah, I know. To himself? Wait, on you? To himself? Wait, you know what? I had a grandfather go blind, right? Like, lost his sight. So it was a lot of, like, physical contact when you'd come visit him and, like, feel your body. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's Anders. Not necessarily that. Yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah. What's in there? Well, what's happening? I mean, happy thing. I'm not going to stop you. But he, I remember he made me explain like what Ninja Turtles were to him. Cause he just was like, I don't understand. And I'm like, he's like, they're turtles. I go, well, they, they, they stand up like humans, but they have shells and they're teenagers. Yeah.

So they love pizza and party, and they all have the crush on the news reporter. Yeah. Oh, bring it full circle. I get that part. That part I get. Do you guys ever think about people...

Who died a while ago that you knew. Always. Like my grandfather. And they're never going to put on those Apple Pro Visor goggle things. I think about that shit all the time. I'm like, you missed out. I think about that shit all the time because my grandpa loved tech. And I'm like, dude, he would love VR. He would fucking flip on some VR right now, dude. Right? Dude, I mean, that's so surprising. I got my parents one of those Oculus Rift goggles.

Yeah. Because I'm like, oh, they're kind of cool and you could do cool weird stuff in the metaverse. Yeah, you could do some good stuff with those. You're talking about looking at porno. I've never done it. I've never done it. Well, it's pretty crazy. I haven't.

For real. Okay, but the way you said it leads me to believe that you're just talking about porno. That was like the joke, but if I'm being real, I have never watched porno in a VR space. Is it because you have two young children running around your house? Yes, very scared about what may happen and I won't know. Dude, because also, like, you can't really hear much. Exactly. And that would be the most traumatizing thing to walk in on your father just being like, my father!

Pulling down? Yeah, because you're doing some fun stuff in the porno world. You're just on the side of a couch. The fuck? What the fuck is happening here? The cause of diarrhea. And if you're listening at home, I'm fucking the air.

Right now I'm talking there. Being sexual. What's so cool is they're just trying to do their homework and then all of a sudden the door opens and you walk in butt naked like... Dad! Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Dad, that's my ear. Oh, fuck. Fuck. Your ears. Hey, now that's... That's your ear, huh? That's why. That would be a crazy final destination right there. Yeah. Oh, that's a good one.

What was the deal in all the horror movies when someone would get a blade through the skull? They'd just be like... Oh, yeah. I would love to get cast in one of those deaths. Let's see it. Have you ever been murdered in a movie? I've been murdered once. I don't think so. In The Final Girls, I did this little horror comedy movie called The Final Girls. That movie rocks. That movie rocks. I met my wife in that movie. Yeah, you did. Oh!

Yeah, and I get choked out with a telephone wire in the movie. That's hot. Yeah, and then I'm all bloody. And then I forget exactly, but I come back to life, and I get shot out of a car.

And then I scorpion and my body snaps in half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You mean like the car stops and you go through the windshield? I go through the windshield and then I land and then my body goes. Yeah. Hilarious. Back of head. So good. I like that. So good. What did that, was it interesting when you saw it? Were you like, whoa, I'm dead?

Yeah, did it fuck you up? Yeah. No, no, no. Psychologically? Weirdly, my mom was like, I just couldn't watch it. But during the scene of Game Over Man, when I'm auto-erotic asphyxiating myself, and my dick is in my hand, and the bad guys come in, and then I fight these terrorists with my dick out, and you see maybe my butthole in the movie, and I fight these guys naked for like five minutes. My mom...

leans over, grabs my thigh during the scene, and she goes, whispers, I'm so proud of you. And sincerely, it wasn't like a ha-ha, because my mom's not funny in that way. She was just like, look at you up there, bearing it all for comedy. The theater was roaring. And she was like, I'm not wearing underwear. No, she wasn't, Durs. Hey.

As a joke. As a joke. Oh. Well, then, kind of funny. Not like what you're doing, Adam. Okay, mom. That would be actually bad if your mom was like, I'm going to be like you. I'm just like you. My butthole's pretty loose butthole from your dad. I'm like,

Check out this. We shot the scene. Nightmare. I'm playing you. Wow. Dude, that would be a trip. Hey, Kyle? Yeah. It would. It would be. I'm stoked on that. That's cool that she encouraged you. It would be different if she watched that death scene and she was like, yeah! Finally. Yeah. Adam's gone. Yes. And you're like, Mom, it's a movie. I'm right here. And she's like, oh.

Oh, shit. I feel like my dad was like that. My dad was like, sick death. That's how I want to go. Shoot me out of a Camaro, baby. So I gave him these Oculus Rifts, dude. He goes, wow, cool. And then put it on and goes...

And I go, are you doing it? And he goes, oh yeah, cool. And I go, what are you seeing? He goes, all kinds of stuff. And I go, well, do you want me to show you how to like, like, go and you can climb Mount Everest or you can go do some cool stuff or I can show you porn. But I can show you like some cool stuff to do and he's like, I figured it out. Wow. And

And I'm like, they never use it again. You just put it down and it's... It is kind of like super limiting because I'm like, oh shit, I'm going to go to like Lakers game, courtside. And then I just went into a room where you're supposed to like find the tickets and someone just walked up to me and was like, hey, what's up, man? And I was like... Because I was up on the couch by myself late night and I was like, I'm not talking to this person. Dude, it is weird because you could go into comedy clubs...

You can go into comedy. This is embarrassing. You can go into comedy clubs, and there's comics. I know all the comics that are working today, right? And so there are friends of mine that are on stage, and this kid, he was probably like – I mean, he sounded like a child, but it's an avatar, and he's laughing. I'm like, oh, you think this guy's pretty funny? And he's like, yeah, he's okay. And I'm like, oh, yeah? And then I go, you ever watch Workaholics? And he goes –

Yeah, I guess so. I'm like, what do you think of Adam Devine? He goes, fucking sucks. Gotcha. But that's just the next generation. The generation... They're just a little sensitive. That's Gen Z. Gen Z is the most insensitive, unsupportive group. Speaking of beer, Isaac? Uh-oh. Isaac. Can we...

I think he fell asleep. I need my Utah Jazz. Wake up. I call this my jazz. Isaac Horn, everybody. Here's our manager, Isaac. Show us your tits, Isaac. Shirts off. How about your butt? Let's see your butt cheeks. Show us your tits. Your butt cheeks.

We've asked him every show to show us his titties because he's our adult manager who has the pinkest nipples. Quite pink. It's actually like a little off-putting when you see it. You're like...

You just want to milk them? Yeah, so we just want you guys to see them. Pizza, pizza. I want to share the wealth, but he refuses to do so. They're like soupy. Wait, what? Soupy? Soupy. Oh, soupy. Soupy? The rest of the chest seems firm, but then the nipples are very fluid. Like wavy, man. It's like on acid or something. His nipples are on acid. He's got like, what's the dude's name with the melting clocks? Salvador Dali nipples. Oh, Dali, yeah.

He's got like those dolly nipples. Dude's got some dolly nipples. So they look like they're like melting and shit? I just feel like he's pretty firm. We're really proud of him. He's lost a lot of weight recently. He looked horrible. Yeah, he used to be a fat piece of shit. And now he's just not obese. That cracks you up so much.

So it's firm, but the nipple part just looks like it's a little loose. Really? Like it could go anywhere. Damn. What's going to happen to my body when I finally get it back? I feel like I've bloated to the point of loose skin. Maybe I've been there for a long time because my nipples have zero firmness to them whatsoever. Let me feel them. Your boobs are huge. There's nothing there. Go ahead and take your shirt off. Oh. Yeah.

Wait, I think we covered this. Did you guys ever have the weird thing behind your nipples? The balls. Like when you were like 13, 14, 15? Yeah, the balls. Did we figure out what that... Whoa, those guys... Are you sex educators or something? That's my cause! That's his charity. Yeah, it's fine. What was it? Because it was like a prepubescent thing. What is this ball, this marble? You guys have talked about this before. I'm also...

A man. I'm a man. Yeah, sure. And I was a prepubescent boy. Okay. And no longer with a sick sash. I feel like you're just bragging now. Go ahead. But I never felt balls behind my tits. Did you ever squeeze your titties super hard? Every day. Every day. Okay. Well, every day. No, no. There was a firm bulbous. And then when you would squeeze it, it hurt like hell. Yeah. I might still have some. Whoa. Do you love him? Yeah.

With some soda water. No. Oh, he sent the drink back. What did he do? What? You sent him back? What happened? You sent him back? Are you good? Well, he made the wrong drink. What'd he make? Water? No, I wanted a vodka Red Bull. You cut it with soda water, dude. It's my classic order. It's my go juice mixed with a little extra go-go. And what did he forget?

He forgot to cut it. It would have been too much goat. You need to cut it! I thought maybe he just brought out vodka on ice, and I'm like, let's go, baby. A glass of vodka. Utah, is that what it takes to excite you? Vodka on ice? Like a vodka Red Bull not enough for you.

It's gotta be Malort. Did he just shout out Malort? A few nights ago, we were in Indianapolis and I accidentally drank a half bottle of vodka myself. Oops. And then we went out and then we also got way more drunk and I don't remember going to sleep. And then Blake ended up with a ton of wounds on him. I did. I'm still healing. It's almost healed. Oh.

Oh, dude. Yeah. But I took a gnarly spill. It wasn't a spill. You did it on purpose. No, you dove on purpose. Yeah. That's still a spill whether it's on purpose or not. I don't know if that's true. No, a spill is... Yeah. No. You can take a... That's a total misnomer. Oh, because it's a misnomer. It's a stunt if you do it on purpose. If you do it on purpose, it's a stunt. If you do it on accident, it's a spill. Right. And if you don't know which is which, it's a misnomer. Isaac Horne, everybody. Yeah. Here we go. Nucky Grandma.

I never can see when he's coming, and it always freaks me out. I don't know why he always comes from this side. He'll be okay. Okay, here comes a taste test. Let's see. How is it? Too much water. Send it back. Oh, that's strong. It's science. Okay. Okay, so he likes it. Isaac knew I needed a little po-po-zow. Okay, you got your po-po-zowing? Po-po-zow! Yo.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I don't know about you guys, but I feel this year has gone by so quickly. I became a father this year. Can you believe that, guys? Huge. And the baby that I named Bo is growing bigger every day. Let me tell you, life goes by like that.

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Finding the right news podcast can feel like dating. It seems promising until you start listening. When you hit play on Post Reports, you'll get fascinating conversations and sometimes a little fun, too.

I'm Martine Powers. And I'm Elahe Azadi. Martine and I are the hosts of Post Reports. The show comes out every weekday from the Washington Post. You can follow and listen to Post Reports wherever you get your podcasts. It'll be a match, I promise. Have you guys ever been to Salt Lake City before? Utah! Dude, we, right? We went together to film Awesomeness Maximus for Comedy Central, right? Hey, shut up. We don't bring up that movie.

Tell them what it is. Dude, we did the worst movie. You guys went all the way out here to shoot that movie? Yeah. They read the script and they're like, you can't shoot this in L.A. You have to go elsewhere.

It was so bad, dude. Was this a 300 spoof? It was. It was a 300 spoof. It was our first movie that Blake and I, or one of the very first things that we had ever done, and it was called Awesomest Maximus. We were in the National Lampoon family at that point. We were doing a lot of work for those guys. Do you remember in the early 2000s when National Lampoon was still making movies, but it was all just like, titty twisters! Yeah.

And it was exactly what you think it is? It's like the period after Van Wilder. It just got bad. Yeah, it was good. And then they were like, well, let's make 60 really bad movies called Balls Out. National Lampoon's Hollywood Nighttime. But we only came for like an afternoon. I feel like they flew us out here and then they're like, get the fuck out. National Lampoon's Beach Penis. Yeah, we didn't really explore. This is called Vulgarity.

Volcano snatch. We didn't really explore the city, but... National Lampoon's kegerator. Time-traveling kegerator. The time-traveling kegerator is cool. Have you guys been here or no? No, I've been to Park City for Sundance years ago. I've been to Park City for Sundance. And I want to go back. I'd love to go back to Sundance this year, actually.

It was cool. I was walking around with, oh God, who's the guy? He's like a basketball announcer. Marv Albert. No, no, no. He was one of the Michigan Fab Five. Jalen Rose. No, other guy. Chris Webber. Chris Webber. Yes. Damn it, Fox. Yes. So Chris Webber. Yes, dude. You're

Produce this movie I did. You got points for that. Yes, points! And we're walking around Park City and we pass this group of people and I overhear them go, oh my God, that was R. Kelly. And I was like, Chris Webber. Short funny story, those people thought you were R. Kelly. And he was like, I'm not. Admittedly, I wouldn't want to be confused with R. Kelly either.

Like he's a very successful man, but... Yeah, that's when he's got some issues. Successful man, but... National Lampoon, successful man, but... That's if you're an earshot of that and you hear someone mistake you as R. Kelly, you run back and you're like, I'm not him, actually. I'm not. This is my driver's license? Not, yep. You can check it right here. It's not me. Here's a second form. Dude, what are the funniest people that you've been...

They thought you were. Well, I mean, mine are pretty obvious. Carrot Top. Sean White. Dude, on that... Hermione.

On that night that you drank the half bottle of vodka and we went to that bar, it was like the beaver bar or whatever. Remember that place? Yeah, all the shirts said, like, save a tree, eat a beaver. Blake the next morning bought an extra small and came down the lobby with a little belly shirt that says, save a tree, eat a beaver. Oh, hey, man. And by the way,

It fit him perfectly. It was. It was great. It looked good. It looked really good on him. Thanks, man. That night... I took a spill, so what can I say? That night, in that bar, I got Steve Aoki not once, but two times. Wait. Steve Aoki is a variation DJ. The DJ, yeah.

I guess I see it. I see you guys both have ponytails. My hair was down. Dude, you don't remember. You were throwing cake at people. Oh, that's why. Fair enough. No points. Damn. I was in an Uber or a car service and this guy was like, man, I know you, right? And I'm like, oh yeah, I'm an actor. And he's like, oh, I knew it. I recognize you.

And then I'm like, oh, cool, cool. And then at the very end of the ride, he goes, man, I loved Goonies. No. Yep.

Right. So he either thought I was Chunk or Sean Astin, and both of those men are 55 years old. Yeah, it's like he thought time stopped. You got arms like sloth, though. Yeah, dude, I do got those sloth arms. He was like, are you sloth? Yeah, you just said, da-ha. Hey, you guys. I knew it was you.

Honestly, I feel like... I think the sloth dude actor died, but the sloth workout program...

Get jacked like sloth? I would try that out. What? Body by sloth. Don't get me started, dude. All I want to do is be a fitness influencer. Because they have it made, dude. All they do is work out. All the people they hang out with, hot as fuck. All they do is cold plunge and hang out in little steam baths together. Dude, what a dream. I can't believe we have to sit on a stage and talk for a living. I know. This is a nightmare. Kill us now. I just want to be on an assault bike for three hours a day. Just...

Should we do it with some hot topics? Oh, shit. Yeah. Hold up. One second. Wait, let me get my... Now, let's get important here, guys. Yeah, hell yeah. Not for this bullshit. Beautiful drop. Hell yeah. So...

Michelle Williams. Who is she? I think she's an actress. She's an actress extraordinaire. Oscar winner. What did she win an Oscar for? She's a little blonde girl that's very meek. She was in the Steven Spielberg movie as the mom. Oh, she's the fable? We work in this industry. Or she was married to Heath Ledger.

But we don't need to saddle her with that. She's so much more. She's the mom in the Fablemans. I got it. Fablemans mom. So world-class actress Michelle Williams. Narration of Briggs. Dawson's Creek. Boom. Most importantly, Dawson's Creek. Joshua Jackson. Okay. I think she was in it.

Another movie? Yeah, I'm sure she was. She's been in movies. Hey, shut the fuck up. Sorry. Shut the fuck up. Michelle Williams' narration of Britney Spears' memoir goes viral. She does imitations of Justin Timberlake's black scent. Oh, dear. Really? Well, she's a fantastic actress. She's such a great accent. She won an Oscar for best accent. That's cool. That's great.

So it's crazy that Britney Spears, first of all, did a memoir. Memoir. Shut up, bitch. Memoir. Jaguar. A memoir. Isaac, what did you put in the drink, dog? Ever cleared, dude. Are you really going to send the drink back? I love that this Utah show started with us being like, yo, your shit ain't strong, and it's leaving with us like, yeah. Memoir. Fuck, dude.

These fucking bros memoir. Oh, he's fucking bros.

Well, I love that she did the Britney Spears memoir. By the way, like a G move. Fucked up word, memoir. You have to drop the wah. I think it's called a memoir. That's French. You can say memoir. You can say memoir. It's okay to say memoir. You can say whatever you want. You're saying it wrong because it has to be a memoir. You can say memoir as well. I like memoir. But let's just establish that if someone calls and goes, hey, Britney Spears wrote a memoir...

And they want you to do the narration or like to read it. And she said yes. Fucking G. Yeah, she's awesome. Yeah. Right. And also, if Justin Timberlake did Black Scent, then you have to also do Black Scent. Right. If you've never done Black Scent, even if you're black, what are you doing? I think I did Black Scent when I was talking about my Uber driver. He was like, hey, man. Yeah.

Maybe offensive to some people. I'm pissed now. So these are mostly, I didn't really have a chance to look at all these topics, but they're mostly Justin Timberlake based. Oh, really? Hit me with the second. Okay, yeah. Let's get our fucking JT on. I'm bringing Blacks and Spurs. Prime me a river. So Justin Timberlake turns off Instagram comments amid backlash from Britney Spears' book.

What the hell? We got to read these before... We ate dinner instead. I love that the news is Justin Timberlake turned off his comments. Yeah, like, what the fuck? Who cares? Okay. I don't give a fuck! Who gives a fuck about Kyle? Kyle's going to go for five minutes. It's a classic Kyle rant. Go! No, it's just who gives a fuck about that shit, bro. Yeah, that's very dumb. Relax. What?

Turn off some comments. But to be fair, he did turn off his comments. That's pretty crazy.

Tell you what, sometimes you got to turn off comments. I took a photo with Joe Biden once. Those comments went right off. I was like, whoo! I turned the comments off. These are not compliments. These are not compliments. Took a photo with an old man who ended up being president. Got to turn off the comments. Click. I do love, I would love to see those. They'd be like, tell us about the aliens, Joe. And you're like...

That's what the comments would say? I assume it's like, fuck you, Libtard! I like that Ders thought the comments were, dude, did you see aliens? What did you think they were? I think it was more Libtard stuff. Although, dude, I love the super right-wing slang for liberal people, like Libtard and Snowflake and Cuck.

Hey, sign me up for all that stuff. That's funny, dude. Republicans are way funnier. I'll say that. Way funnier. That's true. Hit me with a... Cuck-tard. Hey, you cuck-tard. Hit me with your freaking snow-cock, you cuck. I've got a cowboy hat. Fuck you. You're being such a snowflake bitch. Taylor Swift is now a billionaire! Yeah! Thank you, guys. Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift.

Turn the comments off, Taylor. They're going to get ugly. I hope she does some sassy dumb shit with all her money now. She's like, hey, guess what? In Nashville, all the roads are pink.

She could, dude. If you had a billion dollars. That's kind of fire. Yeah. If you're just like, fuck it, dude. I got a billion bucks. Try to stop me. She's like, actually, Travis Kelsey, I'm going to encase you in gold. Yeah, like Han Solo. What do we think she's going to do with a billion dollars? She already bought a castle, right? She has a castle. Does she? I think she has a castle. Do you think she just like LARPs and plays magic and D&D all the time?

dude you can have some thick ass sessions with a billion bucks okay if i was taylor swift and i had that kind of money i would definitely like finally you're talking about it on the pod go ahead you'd be at your house and all of a sudden you'd hear like a tap tap tap at your window yeah and you'd be like what the hell is that a is that a raven with a scroll around its neck okay and maybe you'd open your window and it'd be like yeah and and you'd open

and you'd open the scrolls. Does the raven have one red eye? It's like a robot raven? No, it's got to be a trained raven. This all seems to cost $17 so far. Can you imagine a bird with a sheet of paper? You think a trained raven is $17? On a window? Anderson windows? Hella expensive. Then you open the scroll, and it says... There's a rubber band on that shit? Maybe two? We're talking paper, people.

This is papyrus, okay? It's really good paper. This bitch went to Paper Source and dropped $50 on papyrus. Anyways, the scroll says, Sir Adam, you've been invited to Lord Taylor Swift's castle. But I thought you're Taylor Swift. I took the money and I changed my name to Taylor Swift. People are trying to follow. Did you tuck your dick off or you just took the name Taylor Swift? Oh, no. You fucking cunt.

I'm growing... I'm actually... I cut my dick off and I'm growing it into another human. Okay. Oh, cell research. Yeah. So that's where the money went. That's what we thought. That's where all the money went. The crow just tells you to come over to my house, drink Mountain Dew, and play D&D. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually sick. Yeah. Fuck it. What would you do with a billion dollars, Dirk? If I had a billion dollars... Is that Beach Boys? If I had a billion dollars... Yeah. Yeah.

I would give away $900 million to people who need it. 100%. What do you need a billion dollars for? I'll tell you. You asked me, so shut the fuck up. Shut up, bitch. I'd get this raven, right? Now we're talking. Upwards of

Two pieces of paper in a rubber band. Okay. You lose. If I had a billion dollars, I would just give it away. I would give it away. Wow. So the biggest asshole of the crew turned out to be the best. What am I going to do? Like, what am I going to do? Like, get two billion dollars? Hey, the person who said yes. What are you, a fucking idiot? What are you going to do with two billion dollars?

If we gave you $50 million, you would lose your mind. Wait, is a billion 100 millions? Is that what this is? Is that the number we're talking about? What just happened? Is a billion 100 millions? It's a thousand. A thousand millions. That's too much. It's so much money that unless you're a fucking giant asshole...

Then you're like, I think I could double this. I don't know, man. See, I wouldn't want to double it. Here's what I would do. Here's what I would do. Okay. Oh, wow. And by the way, it's different if you're somebody who has some sort of intelligent vision of how to grow something. Yeah, I do. I said grow my penis into another me. And I said intelligent. And I said intelligent. That made a lot of sense to me. So here's what I would do.

Have you ever wanted to, you know, like, I like going hunting and shooting defenseless animals. That's a thing that I like. Where are you going with this? What the hell? I can solve homeless people's problems in Los Angeles. Because surviving the game already exists. I know what I'm doing. No, no, no. So I like shooting things from the sky. So have you ever seen a plane and you were like, man, I wonder if I had a rocket launcher. What? What?

I know where he's going with this. Okay, keep going. No one's on the plane. No one's on the plane. I'm not a murderer. I'm a billionaire. I'm a fun billionaire. You invite all your homies over for a fun luncheon. The spread is fantastic. How big is this plane? We're not to the plane yet. We're at the spread. Okay, talk to me about the spread. The spread. All the accoutrements. Shalotsky!

Yeah, Schlotzky's Deli is there. All the nuts, all the cheeses. You got Chex Mix? Chex Mix is there. My man has all the nuts. So the spread is fantastic. There's taco trucks. It's a sick thing. You went all out, Mr. Billionaire. Yes, I'm a billionaire. And then I go, you guys are like, what's up? Thank you for inviting us. This is a sick spread. And I go, y'all ever fuck with Rockets?

They're like, your black sense a little much. And then you guys go, I've actually never fucked with a rocket before. And then I get out like a thousand rockets. No desire. There's a thousand rockets? And these rockets... And we bought them back from Iran. So I'm actually doing good, Durs. I'm going like, hey, you don't

Give me your guns. Give me those back. Okay. You don't need all those. Give me some of them rockets back. Okay. And I have so much money. All right, fuck it. Okay, sure. So then I get all these planes. There has to be a pilot, right? Now we're here. What the pilot does is he's on a walkie-talkie, and then I go...

I'm still going to send it. Yeah, I go, jump, jump. And then he jumps out. And then we each take turns. So what kind of planes are these? We're at the planes. We're past the planes. What kind of planes are these? Well, there's different sizes. $2 million. $747. No, there's like, we start with Cessnas. Then they get bigger and bigger until they're jets. And then we get a... I know you don't want to think about this kind of stuff, but where are those planes landing?

Utah. Hopefully they're not. Kyle, did you listen at all? He's exploding them. Wait, what? Yeah, but there's still pieces that are going somewhere. Where are they going, man? Dude, we're in open fields. We're in open fields. They're landing on animals out in the middle of nowhere. No, he's a billionaire. He put up a big...

Big ass net. Yes. Big net. Nice. So that's what I would do. What would you do, Tom? The brains of the operation. Yeah. Honestly, I'd probably just make whatever fucking movie I wanted to see. Okay. That's an expensive movie. No, I would make a book for the rest of my life, and I'd make a ton of them that I just want to see. Okay, cool. That's just a very real answer. That's what I would do. Okay.

Yours was funny. Mine is real. Mine was also very real. Why don't you cry about it? Oh, shit. Holy shit, man. By the way, I would give everyone in here a million. Yeah. And guess what? I'd give you guys more money. No.

So Kevin Federline, it's all Britney Spears based. Kevin Federline left his family. What the hell? Dude, this is actually a sad thing. You guys remember Kevin Federline, Britney Spears' husband? That's his voice on the Popo's Out. He left his family for his Popo's Out career. Popo's Out! What? Yeah. Can you say that one more time for me, please? Kevin Federline left his family for his Popo's Out.

Hit it. Oh, shit. My bad. I'm getting a ton of air drops. So turn that off. Stop!

Okay, hey, I'm going to do it again and then drop it. Yeah. Kevin Federline left his family for his career, dude. I still am not quite understanding what he did. So he evidently had an ex-girlfriend who was eight months pregnant with her second baby. Nice. And he also had a toddler when Britney Spears started dating him, and he was just like...

Oh, Popo's out? Popo's out! Oh, this is like back in the day. Yeah, so this is all from Britney Spears' book. What year is this topic from? Is this off Yahoo News fucking 2002? Well, I guess Britney Spears' memoir just dropped, so now we're getting all these hot tidbits, and now you see why she's in her bikini dancing with knives. You're like, she's led a hard life. I love that. She's what?

No, she's not. That girl goes, she's okay. No, she isn't. With zero judgment, I don't know if she's okay. No, she's not okay. I don't know if she's not okay, but I don't know if she is okay. I mean, I do weird shit when I'm alone in my house. I walk around naked. That's so weird. If my dick can touch the linoleum.

What? I can't. Well, okay, cool. What is that? You try to get low with it. Careful, don't hurt yourself. I can't. Get up! Do you remember the joke from childhood where it's like, so there's three guys who are competing for the world's longest dick. Sure. Yep.

They're all on top of the Sears Tower. Okay. And the first guy hangs his dick over the edge, and it goes down to the 35th floor, and they're like, holy shit. That's insane. That's a huge dick. That's huge. And they're like, that's huge. That's so fucking huge. Yeah, and the next guy goes, that's nothing. He hucks his rod over the ledge, and it goes down to the 17th floor. Holy shit. Holy shit.

That must be the world's biggest dick. I'm a dude. But then they turn back to the third guy and he's like... And they're like, yo, man, what are you doing? He's like, I'm dodging traffic. This was like...

When you're like eight or nine years old, just one you had in the chamber for summer camp? Honestly, that's how my dad explained the birds and the bees. So the reason you're here is because... And then he was like, and also what you can do with that huge dick, you can teddy fuck. When you're not dodging traffic, you can make babies. Yeah.

Hit me with it. Hell yeah, dog. I'm on this today. Hey, guys. This is actually pretty crazy. World's oldest dog ever. Okay. Ever. I know about it. 30? Dies at 31, dude. Oh, my God. So fucking close, dude. Yeah. Pretty wild. What's crazy? When Anna, our producer, brought this up, I was like, is it the Australian cattle dog? And she was like, uh.

Yes. You fucking weirdo. It's in Portugal. It doesn't say if it's an Australian. The breed. Oh, it doesn't say anywhere on here. She told me. The breed of Portuguese dog that is a purebred refiero do ateu

Why did she tell me? Oh, was the one that was before that Anna? Was the previous oldest dog an Australian? It's a Rafael do Antejo. Alan Tejo. Oh, boy. The previous one. The previous one was an Australian. You're a liar. And I think I nailed it. You guys came over like I can't read. Rafael do Antejo.

That's offensive. Freed Portuguese dog that has an average life expectancy of 10 to 14 years. This dog is as old as my wife. What?

That's an old dog. That's a cool way to put it. I mean, was that dog... That's a fun way. Was it completely fucked up, blind? Like, it's just dropping out of its asshole? Or was it... There's no way, dude. Have you ever seen, like... My wife, her dog was 18 years old when I met it. She's gonna be like... And my wife, she just shits on the carpet. She's so old. No, my wife had a super old dog named Bitsy, named after Britney Spears' dog, weirdly. Okay. And...

It looked like a fucking wizard, dude. Oh, yeah. It would just stand there with, like, glossed-over eyes, just with long gray hair. What kind of dog? Like a mutt? What are we talking? Dude, I know what you're talking about. A bitsy-thick-a-lap dog? A little one? When they have the gloss-over look, and it looks like they can talk to you in your own mind. Yeah. Right. Are you talking about, like, the milky eyes? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you start to hear a voice, and it's like, go in the kitchen. Yeah.

That's like Summer of Sam, dude. The dog tell them to do that shit. My dog was so old. I remember my dog's like... Tiana. Yeah, Tiana. Tiana would just walk around and not even walk. You had a dog named Tiana? Yeah. Tiana. Okay. That sounds like the sexiest dog name I've ever heard. Tiana, yeah, dude. Why did you name your dog such a sexist? The dog came with a name. We didn't name the dog. Dog came with a name.

What kind of weird freak names their dog the sexiest name ever and then they're like, it's too sexy, I gotta get rid of it. They're like, coming up to the stage, Tiana. Tiana. But she would just, shit would just fall out of her ass. Yeah, I remember that. Like, it was just like, and there was like really hard, dry shits and it's like, what's going on inside of your body? Yeah, that was really sad. It was sad. R.I.P. All dogs up there. So that sucks.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Should we do some Q&As? I would love that. Thank you for the questions. So you guys asked some hard-hitting Qs. We've got some sweet, sweet A's for you. Amon from Idaho. Oh, yes. I guess Amon's throwing his voices because he's from several different places in this audience.

Amon from Idaho. Drove five hours for TII Nation. Do not come.

My guy. My guy. And this guy evidently wants Jim Carrey to die. What? Because he says, can we give him his flowers? No. No, we're not going to give Jim Carrey flowers. We'll give him props. Because if you follow the podcast at all, you know if we give someone their flowers, they're dead within the month. Yeah. It's not good. So there's no way. So I will say Jim Carrey fucking rules. Yeah. And he's probably the reason I'm in comedy. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Formative voice. Yeah.

I watched the pilot to In Living Color two nights ago. Okay. Weird. It's called Knowing Your History. Yeah, sure. It's doing your research. Yeah. It's cool. He killed it. Episode one. I remember my dad called me down the stairs as I was a little boy to watch Fire Marshal Bill. Is that right? Yeah. Fire Marshal Bill. He's like, you got to watch this. This shit's funny. That shit was scary. He's like, let me show you something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he was.

It was frightening. Favorite best Jim Carrey movie, TV show, go? Sonic 2. The Grinch. I like his new stuff. Oh, dude, I know. I mean, I really love Eternal Sunshine. I'm that guy. Yeah, dude. I'm fucking that guy. Yeah, man. Sure, dude. But that's the one he was trying. Bro, I'm a... I fucking, I dig it. Man, I'm a huge, the majestic guy. Yeah, what about the number 23? Yeah, man.

The number 23 is his best. You know what? I'll be honest. I don't like what's happening right now. No. Sorry. I feel like if James Carrey himself was listening, because that's how he was listed on the pilot of In Living Color. If he was listening to this right now, he'd be like, do these guys hate me? Are they making fun of me? Yeah, they're making fun. The spotless mind is real. What I did was I laid the floor for you guys to be sweet and nice. Dude, that's a great movie, but that's not the best Jim Carrey. Come on. That can't be your favorite Jim Carrey when he's not doing Jim Carrey. Well, then it would be.

Okay, my favorite Ace Ventura movie is Ace Ventura 2. Yeah, Ace Ventura 2. Two. I like two. I'm a two guy. I do like that I showed my kids the rhino scene. Oh, yeah. And now whenever we go anywhere that has rhinos, like a zoo or a book with rhinos, they're like, can I hop in these rhinos? Cool kid. So good. So Colin Whipple is asking, Colin? Whip whip. Not real. Fake name. Whipple. Whipple.

Talk about the rat buster scene from Workaholics. Oh, yeah. The rat busters. This was based on a true story where me, Blake, and Kyle lived in the Workaholics house where we shot the show. And before we got the show, we had this crazy rat infestation and also during the show. Water trash. But we set up a ton of traps like our own being like, we're going to catch these rats.

And we caught something like 25 rats. Yeah, because we just kept resetting it in the attic. And we could go outside and have a beer. And we'd just hear shh. And then you're like, oh, that's it. That's another one. And then one night, late at night, I remember I was in bed with my girlfriend. I know. And it happened. This is the way. No big deal. And I heard like a shh.

And a rat was crawling into my room. And I knew what he was doing. And my girlfriend goes, what's that? And I go, it's old plumbing. It's old plumbing, yeah. It's so old, this plumbing. These rats were brave. They would go from room to room looking for crumbs. Dude, just like this, just like...

What a bitch. You trying to fuck her? Not on my watch. You got some Cheez-Its? That's exactly what happened. You got some Cheez-Its in here? You got some elbows? And no joke, climbed up onto our bed. I kicked it off of our bed. I heard it go... Like a little squeal. She was like, what the fuck is that? You're going to kick me like that? It's...

The plumbing? It's the plumbing. And then like three days later, she went home. Three days later, I had had enough. And that's the night of many kills when I went to our kitchen wearing nothing but boxer shorts.

with a bottle of Windex and a broom. Close your eyes. Close your eyes for that one. And I murdered six rats by hand. Yeah, you did. They were brutal. They were brutal. That's just another night in Salt Lake City. So we had to film that. We had to do that. So then we knew when we shut the show that we had to murder a ton of rats. Utah! Are there any other details, guys? I just was at the door listening to Adam have sex with his girlfriend and he thought it was a rat.

It was a rat scratching at the door. It was something we got a lot of blowback for when the episode aired. People lost their shit. And we're like, first of all, they're not real rats that we're killing. And second of all, even if they're real rats...

Who cares? Yeah, but I always thought that that... Because there's some really good cuts in that montage where you really cut last minute and then big-ass fucking blood splurged. So I always thought it was cool that people were pissed because they thought it was real. This is rock and roll. Yeah, it's cool. So Emily Shelby wants to know... She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's not here. She's

Can you give my friend Maggie who couldn't be her a shout out? No! Not gonna do that. She should have bought a ticket. Yeah. You know?

If Maggie wanted a shout-out, Maggie would have been here. And then I would have given Maggie a shout-out. Maggie, Maggie, Maggie. Not happening, Maggie. Sorry, Mags. No shout-out for you. There was a tattoo part. I know that. What should I get as my next tattoo, says Emily. Just like...

Maybe a tramp stamp that points down and says tight butthole. Yeah. That'd be kind of tasteful. I feel like tramp stamps have gone the way they're going. Now I feel like you've got to get a little cursive tattoo on your clavicle right here. Are people still doing this one on the ribs?

That's hot. Tight, tight ribcage. Also, it's weird that we call them tramp stamps because that's like a, it's like, you know, you're trying to be like, oh, that girl's a tramp. What the fuck? What are you, a tramp? I just think she likes cool barbed wire tattoos, right?

And nautical star tattoos on her lower back. Or a cool butterfly. Right. I think she's just tight. And getting railed a lot. Do you guys see now people are doing full black ink tattoos? Sleeve, sleeve. The whole body. Yeah, I'm down for that. That's something like Rage Against the Machine shit. That's fucking cool.

You know who started that? The guy from Jigalos started that shit. Oh, really? We all know it. We all know it. The guy from Jigalos. We all know it. Zero people have seen that show. That's cool. So Lizzie Shebby, they must be sisters. Adam, have you ever eaten other shit? What? I don't understand. Like other weird things, not including the rotisserie chicken string.

Oh, okay. Which, I don't know if everyone knows, I ate a rotisserie chicken and then a day later I shit out the string that holds it all together. And I thought I had the largest tapeworm known to man. I was like, rotisserie tape. What's happening? And then I looked at it and I'm like, this held my rotisserie chicken together. Delicious. Yum, yum, yum. No, that was a first for me. I'm not always having weird...

Non-edible things cut him out of my asshole. Yeah, what do you guys think he is? Crazy? Yeah. He just eats the strings off of chickens. Get off his case. Well, when you're eating a rotisserie chicken, you're fucking going to send it. Anything goes. Diarrhea. No, dude. Rotisserie chicken does not give me diarrhea, dude. If anything, it makes me stronger and plugs me up. Prove it. Prove it.

Dan Wells wants to know, in the true dromance episode of Orgaholics when Carl says, freaking see ya, and throws the DVD, was it intentional or an accident that he hit the light? Freaking see ya. That was an accident. I'll be honest. I threw it as hard as I could. I maybe was, yeah, and then it just hit the light.

Happy accidents, guys. Kyle Newichek, everybody. See ya. I am a happy accident. Joe Dirt in the dirt. That's me. So Valerie wants to know, how do you get out of a creative rut? Oh, this is a serious question. Ew. Valerie, what are you doing? Valerie, look for something that makes you have fun. Okay? Smile. Thank you, Blake. That's one thing that we go to as a group. Yeah, no. I just go to page 34 of Pornhub. Hey, you know what? A topical thing.

You guys didn't try to get on Pornhub here in Utah? Hang on, just to be clear, just to be clear, we've been here five hours. What happened? 69, dudes! You guys didn't try to get on Pornhub? Oh, today? No, not yet. Not yet. I mean, me neither, but a friend told me. You can't, dude.

What? You can't get on Pornhub. They don't even know Pornhub like we know Pornhub. What? We have to go. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. We have to go. We're so sorry for this whole episode. Wait, are you serious? I don't know. What are you saying? Yes, so evidently you cannot look at... You have to have age consent.

Well, that seems fine. That's okay. You can probably do that. But then you have to put your ID on a porn site to do it. No. And so Pornhub just goes, you know what? Peace. We out of here. And they're not in Utah. Well, you guys are... Valerie, Valerie.

We don't know what to tell you. Yeah. If you're in a rut... I will say that, like, they're probably looking at us like, yeah, it's good because you've been here six hours and already looked. We don't have it and we don't think about it ever. Yeah, but I'm away from my wife for six hours. Yeah, but that's also because... Hit it. Hit it. What? I don't know the Pornhub thing. I don't know. Hit it. Yeah. Yeah.

But do they have X-Hamster? They do. They do. They do? They have X-Hamster? I don't know. A friend told me that they do. A friend told me that they do. You got friends in Salt Lake? Yeah. Yes, I do. But you have to put in your ID. So do you do that? Or do you just think of fun memories from the ninth grade? No, bro. You beat it to Instagram. Don't be weird.

What? I don't know. He said, I don't know. This dude said, I don't know. I feel like Utah, your license plate should be like Utah, the land that porno forgot. Yeah. That'd be fun. Yeah, that could be something. Valerie, how do you get out of a creative rut? I would say find something that brings you pleasure. Yes, exactly. I would say

Just keep doing the creative thing, whether it's writing or painting. Just keep doing it. Just keep going. Don't stop. Get through the rut. Don't go to the beach for the day or whatever the fuck you guys do here. Okay. Just sit down and grind. I would say abuse substances.

Yeah, that's a fun one. Okay. What I like to do is I like to put on music that brings me joy. Blink-182, Green Day. Okay. Taya Cruz's Dynamite. Okay.

Did you say it's how it goes? Oh, my. Saying, ay-oh, better let go. And then when you're used to life, say, ay-oh. Shut the fuck up! Got him. Adam just turned this into one of those trampoline zones for kids. Sky high. So Nate Nasty wants to know, Popo's out. Can I get a drop on the soundboard? Hit him with it. Yeah, I'll hit you with the Popo's. Popo's out!

Cool question. So, Anayensi. What? Well, that's that girl, whatever her name is. Uh-huh. Did you just... Anayensi. Nancy? No. Anayensi. Oh. Is that how you say it? I like to think it's pronounced Anayensi. Anayensi. I think it's Anessa. Nope. You want to give me a peek? Let me see it. Did any...

Yeah, you're doing great. Any NCJ? Did any of you cry after filming the last episode of Workaholics? And in fact, I think I was crying during the last scene. I think you see me be like, well, why didn't you cry about it? I was a real bitch about it. Yeah, Adam cried. Adam cried. None of us cried. Just Adam cried. He's a bitch. No, you guys all three cried. You guys all cried. I didn't cry. Yeah, you did. Because I remember I didn't.

We know, Ders. You have no emotions. It's actually very weird. But when my family got to set, baby, I cried.

But we were going to film Game Over Man in three weeks from that day. Right. But it was an end of an era. And what sucks is... That makes you cry. Hey, fuck Paramount Plus because we don't get to make the movie. Dude. Hey, it can't be my idea because maybe they'll take legal precautions. But if we all want to chant... It could be my idea. If people want to chant fuck Paramount Plus, feel free.

Fuck Paramount Plus. Fuck Paramount Plus. Fuck it. Wow, did you hear that, Paramount Plus? A lot of people in SLC are pissed. None of you guys said it. I'm the only one that said it. They're on tough times. They are falling apart. It's pretty rewarding to see. Yep, fuck them. So Justin Paul

Two first names. Says, Adam plus bumper equals performance. Please don't stop the music. Check me out. It's getting late. I'm making my way over to my favorite place. I gotta get my body moving, shake the sweat away. A simple melody. I'll...

If you can't tell, Adam reads these before the show. Adam picks the cards. Hey, Will A says, please let the wizards play today. And guess what? First of all, the wizards don't play. It's not up to us. And it is not up to us. I don't know how many times we have to explain this. We don't choose when the portal opens. Did he say let the wizards play? Dude, Lamal Spellswell would skullfuck me.

If I even tried to do any sort of seniority on him. They have powers beyond your wildest imagination and they will fuck you up if you fuck with their portal. And on top of those powers, they might just skull fuck you. That's what happens. They grab your skull and they fuck it. Then they skull fuck you. Yeah.

graphic, dude. Well, dude, these are them. Yeah, that's true. They come from a different realm. It's actually kind of normal. It's like how in Great Britain they say cunt and we just don't say it here because it's a little too offensive. Skull fucking where they're from is like titty fucking. It's like shaking hands. It's like birds in the bee shit. So any take backs? Any apologies? Any epic slams? I'm going to apologize to whoever I yelled at over here about the money. Yeah, my bad. So

And I stand by keeping the money and shooting rockets with my friends. Double down on the billionaire dream. Nice. I'll double down on that freaking buzz ball I took. It wasn't so bad. I didn't get diarrhea. I'm hyped. We'll have another one. Go ahead and have another one.

By the way, is it take backs and double downs? We're doubling down on the road. Or dead ringers. We did a dead ringer. Are there any dead ringers? Keanu Reeves is another one I get all the time. Fat Keanu Reeves. Dang, I want... Wait, when have you ever truly gotten... Yeah. You look like Keanu Reeves. I feel like that's the one you made up. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I get Matt Damon...

and Mark Wahlberg all the time. I definitely, I get Keanu Reeves more than I get Steve Aoki. Not the other day, bitch. Well, the other day at the Bieber bar, yeah, I got hit twice with the cake man. You look like Keanu Reeves when he's wet in the latest John Wick. They do say, they do say like a little bit bigger. They're like, they're like, yeah, much fatter. Much fatter. A little bit, a little bit bigger. Right. A little bit. You look like big Keanu Reeves. Yeah.

You look like Bill ate Ted. Wait, was he Ted or Bill? It's not Bill ate. He's Ted, but like Bill ate Ted is not a thing. You look like Ted ate Bill. Ted ate Bill. Yeah. I'm over here. The Matrix fully loaded. Nacho fries. First of all, I think we've lost somebody here in the front row. What do you mean?

You good, dude? You good? Might be time to wrap up the show. I think someone just died right there. Okay, hell yeah. No take back. Do we got any epic giveaways? Yeah, throw some fucking shirts out. Oh, we have epic giveaways. You guys are lucky. I'm going deep, guys. We got epic giveaways. Check out this naked grandma tee. This thing is fucking hot. Yo, this is the size...

That's an L. Who wants it? Who wants it? There you go. There you go. Yes. Nice toss. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Thank you guys so much. Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City.

We're so glad. We love you guys. Thank you for showing up. We didn't know what to expect, and you guys blew our expectations out the water. We really appreciate it. You guys are the shit. Thank you, brother. Salt Lake City. You woke up. You woke up. We love you. And this was another episode of This is Important. Thank you so much.

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