Ep 174: Live From San Antonio: Selena & Wembanyama Riverwalk Into A Bar
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Take a little bit of dank, mix it with a little crank and put it in a taco shell. I love a good golden shower. If anyone even smells like tamale, I'll just sniff your hair. Adam, show us how you jerk off. Buckle up. I'm gonna buzz off real quick. Buzz off, baby! Okay, let's let Blake do his thing. This one's for you! Where's all of our buzzards? A buzzard?

Spicing buddy. I'm spicy hot hot hot hot hot hot. Here we go. Yeah, sir. Give me a hell yeah. Hell yeah. Thank you, God. First of all, thank you guys so much for showing up. San Antonio, we didn't know what to expect. This is our first time ever here. We're having a great time.

These guys got AK-47 drinks, rubber ducky drinks. Let's just talk about the Riverwalk the whole damn night. Hey, what's in the rubber ducky? I went to the Riverwalk for lunch. Huge mistake. Yep.

Why? Not sober. Oh, really? That's what happened? And would you guys rather I was sober and gave a fully dialed podcast for you? Or alternatively showed up drunk and maybe kind of about to phone it in? Yeah.

Oh, cool. I don't know if you're going to phone it in, but you might get canceled. Yeah. Yeah, that's the cancel song. I do like how encouraging you guys are to be like, don't do your job well. Drink on your job. Well, I didn't go to the river walk. I didn't go to the river walk. And we drove past it on the way here, and I was like, look at this fucking magical place. I thought it was just a basic ass river.

With a basic ass walk. I don't think a basic ass river with a basic ass walk is called a river walk. No, that's exactly what it's called in most cities. It's like a stroll. It's like a stroll in nature. Dude, every city has a place called the river walk and you get there and there's just some fucking ducks. And you're like, I guess we feed the ducks. They got ducks. Yeah, they do have ducks. So what is it? Explain it. I know you guys are like, I get it. I've been in the river walk, but I've never been.

So what is it? It's just like a magical, it's basically Bourbon Street, but it's along the river. First of all, just chill. Yeah, take it. Just chill. You're like, I've never been to the gym. I'll kiss now. I'm sorry, dude. It's just a lunch. It's just a lunch spot, river walk. There's museums. Hey, Anders, Anders, what's in the rubber ducky, man? What's in that? Now it's beer. Before it was a lot of like, I guess, margarita. Oh, wow.

One of those margaritas where you're like, you get to hear and your teeth are starting to tell you, like, hey, chill. And are you afraid that you have bitch-ass teeth? Are you questioning the quality of your teeth? Well, my teeth are not real. It's science. My gums are very real, and I see a lot of canker sores in my future here.

What exactly are canker sores? Canker sores are like fucking like... That's herpes, right? Yes. I think it is herpes, right? Yes, it is. It's herpes simplex three. I was going to say syntax two. It's herpes simplex. Why? Why?

No, it's like canker sores are like when you drink a lot of pineapple juice or acidic stuff, it hurts. And you have a little thing. It's a sore, obviously. What's the canker part? What's that part? What's going down? It's like when your grandparents are being all cankerous. Yeah, they're like...

You're like, look at this cankerous-ass grandpa. Which is, that's code word for racist. Are you saying... My grandpa's super cankerous. I would love for you to meet my grandparents. They're just a little sore, a little cankerous. A little.

A little cankerous, if you know what I mean. Yeah, after a couple beers, he gets really cranky. No, that's a different word. That's a different word. You said cranky. Cankerous is the long version of cranky. No, no. Also, you guys are forgetting. I'm going to just off myself. Yeah. There's another word that we're missing called cantankerous. Oh.

Cantankerous. But I don't know what the fuck it means. I think that means persnickety. For four guys that created a television show, we do not know words. Well, we don't know what they mean. We know how to say a lot of words, but we have no clue what the fuck they mean. You're a stupid dumbass. You know what, though? Coming here...

Never been here. Fucking sick. Yeah, it rocks. Yeah, it's a beautiful city. Yeah. And now I understand like why people from San Antonio really puff out their chest about San Antonio. Yeah, San Antonio is good. Yeah, they're like, it's good. It's San Antonio. It's almost too much. Yeah. But like, when you have like a thing like the Riverwalk, uh,

It makes me want that in Chicago or like LA, like a thing that everyone goes to to chill.

Yeah. And I guess in LA you had the beach, but it's so like all the way on one end of the city. Yeah. That I wish there was something... There's nothing that unifies the downtown district. There's nothing. I want a river walk. Also, they got the Alamo, which is sick. Well, the Alamo. Okay. One way for us to be legends in San Antonio is if we all...

Get drunk on the river walk tonight. And then... I don't have to be drunk to do this. Yeah, maybe you get really high, though. I'm good to do this sober. You'll probably get really high, and then we all go take pisses on it. Okay. Okay.

Are people like, that's cool? Or are you guys like, respect the fucking Alamo? Yeah, what's the... I was telling these guys, do you guys like the Alamo or is it kind of like, eh, field trip? Well, you can't ask that. No, they gave me the eh. They said eh. Well, it's being split about pissing on the Alamo as well. I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. See, me pissing

That's not a disrespect, okay? Yeah, that's a sign of love. That's a sign of love for me. It's marking territory. I forgot. Adam's super like golden showers positive. I love a good golden shower. I forgot about that. And I'm sorry. And now it's out. And that's one secret that I let out of the cage. But that is his love language is hot, hot urine. I like that. Or even lukewarm. You can leave it out. Put it in a bowl. Hot, hot, hot. Put it in a bowl? No, definitely.

You put it in a bowl, let it sit out. Could you fill a plastic duck with it and would you drink it later? Honestly, he could. What the fuck are you talking about? There's no doubt in my mind. My piss game, I don't piss on many people, but my piss game is mad strong. Really? I've said this. I've actually went to a doctor before because I'll go to a public urinal and

three other men will come and piss. And I'm still pissing. I'm going like, is there something wrong? Why is it still going? So here's my question. You know, I'm holding my dick. Like fucking hoes out here. Is this about right?

Yeah, I'd say one twelfth of that. One twelfth, yeah. This man's division is tight. So I'm holding my dick. Let's get hella real tonight, okay? I'm ready. So here's my question. When you were younger, hit by a cement truck. In the 90s. And then you had, what's it called, stones, right? Kidney stones. Kidney stones. So do you think that you trained your bladder? Because that doesn't feel good, right? To you, no.

I've heard that. Very painful. It hurts a lot. So you probably held your bladder because you're like, I don't want to fucking go piss. It hurts a lot. And maybe your bladder is almost the entire size of your body. Maybe that's why I'm such a beefy ass dude. Maybe that's why I'm built like a little fucking bowling ball. That's not where I'm going. That's not where I'm taking this. That must be why, dude. Why I'm built like a human buzz ball. This is the way.

Because Ders, you're saying his bladder is from here to here? His bladder. You can't get a shot. You need help? Holy shit. I'm still going to send it. Holy shit. Yes, points. Fuck John Cena. Holy shit, dude. Fuck John Cena. Fucking...

Dude, I asked. My T-shirt was kind of fucked up, the other one I wore. So I asked them. I was like, can you get me a medium T-shirt? And then I put this on, and Durst goes, that's not doing you any favors. It is so tight, dude. Under a jacket, it works. It looks good. Let's get that jacket on. We're going to get that jacket back on. This is a post-Thanksgiving Day plump. I mean, yeah. Oh, T-Day. I haven't seen you guys. Okay. How was Thanksgiving, you guys? How was Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving!

Oh, good. Now, how was yours? Wait, are there any, like, Texas or San Antonio specific Thanksgiving traditions that, like, you're not going to be able to understand? Hang on, hang on. Does anyone here, like, have one? I think I heard somebody say Frisbee. White cap, white cap. Who cares? Don't fuck this up. Hit that who cares again.

Motherfucking tamales! Okay! Motherfucking tamales! Well, yo, tamales? Tamales? Is that what you're saying? Dude, we do that on Christmas Eve in my house. We do tamales on Christmas Eve, baby. Let's fucking go. Turns out, wherever there's Mexicans, there's tamales. Dude, they're the fucking best, bro. Fucking delicious, dude.

You have a Latin influence in your family. Yes, my wife. My Norwegian grandma was not making tamales. Wait, did you just drop... Marissa. Marissa. Did you just drop a... Latina flavor. Yeah, man. Yeah. Kyle, can you do a Borat impression for us real quick? My wife. Yeah. Poposal.

Damn, I thought that was going to be points, and I'm like, I need more. Well, you can give him points for something that you said. I want a lot of points. I don't know if that's a points-worthy. Ders is fucking us up on points, and it's fucking me up in the head. He is, yeah. Yeah, well, you're used to it. Okay, well, tamales rock on... We do it on Christmas Eve is when we do it. Okay. Yeah, get after me. I just had Thanksgiving, and...

My wife is from Louisiana. Okay. And there's, you know, it's not like super spicy, but a little spice. And my dad, a little super Midwestern was just like, Jesus Christ. What? Just right. Where's the sour cream? Yeah. He was like, Jesus. I don't even know. It was like the fucking stuffing had a little kick to it and it wasn't shit. And I'm like, you're such a bitch. Right. Right.

Go wait in the car. Yeah. Why can older gentlemen not handle the spice? What is going on? I don't think it's older gentlemen. Older gentlemen? Older whites. Older gringos. Older whites. Yeah. Older gringos. No, you got to hit whites. Whites. Because old whites hate being called old whites. Yeah. They are old whites. But you got to be honest. You got to hit that whites. You're old whites.

You're an old white. There's no ifs, ands about it. That's what you are. You're old whites. And they cannot handle the hot sauce. And guess what? And it's only because, I mean, if they grew up here, I bet they can handle the hot. Yeah. For sure. If they grew up in the south, they can handle the hot. If they grew up in Southern California, hot, hot, hot, hot heat, baby. Absolutely. But you grew up in Omaha, Nebraska, or Waterloo, Iowa, where my dad's from. Yeah. Yeah.

A saltine cracker is a little spicy. Hot, hot, hot, hot. So when you guys see old whites walking around, do you go... You go, that's me someday. I go, God, there I am. I'm like...

What do we call it? The enemy? No, I say, dude, my nose is going to get all fucking chunky like that. What the fuck? Dude, crazy blood vessels. Gin blossoms. Whenever I see an old drunk with a bulbous nose that's really cracked and wrinkled, I go, there's Blake. I think about that, too. Why does it get all big? What is up going on in the nose? It's alcohol that just goes straight to your nose? That's what they call the gin blossoms.

They're not only just the sickest band around. Really? Are they from here? Dude, if you buzz off one too many times, your nose is going to look like a cranberry blast buzz ball. Oh, okay. So yeah, that was Blake. My shit is going to be like this. What up, bros? You're going to be Rudolph the Red-Nosed Anderson. That's kind of a sick workaholics Christmas movie.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Anderson. Well, Blake. It's a bagel. Blake the Red-Nosed. Rudolph the Red-Nosed. Blake the Red-Nosed Anderson. What about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Blake? That kind of hits pretty good. Okay, so it's a different reindeer named Blake. Oh, because you can't be. Right, I got it now. I see what your logic is. I'm a dumbass. That's cool. I got it. I was going to give you points, but. No, don't, don't, don't, don't. Blake the Drunk Red-Nosed Reindeer. Oh, that has a ring to it.

Yeah, I feel like I'm going to age like a basset hound. I feel like everything's going to droopy. Just start to just melt off my skull.

That's already happening to my neck. I feel it. Oh, you got a gobbler? Yeah, I can't get rid of it. You know what happened, Kyle? It's because you recently lost a lot of weight. So I was holding most of my weight in my neck, it turns out. We all talked about it. You're like, look at his fat ass neck. Big old chunk. And now you've lost it, so you got a little turkey gobbler, and that's perfect for the season. Fat bastard at the end of Austin Powers'

When he holds up his hand, he's eating Subway and is like hanging. Yes. Do you guys have family members that when they shake their arms like this, this goes... No. I have... Oh, dude. My Aunt Hazel. I was pitching the name because my wife and I are expecting our first child. Okay. Okay. I'm entering the dad life. Daddy. Daddy. Call me Daddy.

Just my child, though. Not you guys. You guys call him Zaddy. But we're having a boy, so this was kind of a mute point. Yeah, excited. I'm a dude. But I was pitching Hazel because my great-aunt Hazel, I loved her to death. And my wife was like, tell me stories about Aunt Hazel. And I'm like, oh, she was the coolest. She used to sit on the table like this, playing cards, drinking gin. Yeah.

chain-smoking cigarettes and she had a tuft of her hair that would turned yellow from all the cigarette smoke and she's like maybe another story and I go yeah, and then she Her arms were super droopy with because she was or obese I'm gonna come and and then I would take she would let me take this this skin and Press it against my eyes cuz it felt good as a child and I would play with it like Nickelodeon Gag

And she goes, oh, maybe we don't name her Anne Hazel. Yeah. But when I was hit by the cement truck, when I came to from the accident, because I was in a medically induced coma, when I finally came out of the coma. Can you go back? So I was hit by a cement truck. Go ahead. I was hit by a cement truck, and then I had a bad accident. And then when I came to two weeks after the accident, I woke up and I go, Anne Hazel saved me. Really? Yeah.

Why do you think you said that? Was she alive at that time? I don't know. I was fucking 11. I don't know why I made up lies. Was she alive at that time? No, she had just died.

There we go. Do you think she gave her life for you? Dude, if she hadn't have died, you wouldn't have gone back? Dude. If any woman allows you to press their underarm fat against your young, youthful eyelids. Dude, what if you rewatch the footage and you get hit and then all of a sudden there's like this. What footage? What footage? You know how when you die you get to watch your whole life? Dude, it was 1995. There's cameras everywhere.

They're always watching. Yeah, the footage. The footage. Go. And then you, like, see you get hit by the cement truck, and as you're falling, there's, like, a blur of a spirit, and she just throws her, like, fucking... Right. And you're just like... I do kind of wonder who I'm talking to right now. I see that. You in there, Hazel? A little sparkle in my eyes. You in there? Dude, she might be. She's here. You know, we're teasing, but she's...

She's slapping her wings around here somewhere. She's the best. Word teasing. Also, can you just go into detail, like pressing your face against her skin again? I just want to walk out back. You have the best arms to do this, too, so bring them up here. I do? Yeah. Out of the three of us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Okay, so I'm Aunt Hazel. Yeah, that part. Fuck off. Fuck off, mate. No, you asked me to do it. Let's go to the apron. Can we get a spotlight? Can we get a spotlight on these guys? Yeah, we're going to need a spotlight right here. Hey, on a scale of me to Aunt Hazel, how am I doing? Am I like, what, 10% of her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was a real droopy dog. You can bring us down. You can bring us down. It's here, and then...

Oh, what the fuck are you doing, though? Dude, it feels magnificent. Are you, like, dabbing your eyes with my fucking arm right now? Dude, I don't know why, but I loved doing this as a kid, and it turns out I love doing it now.

I'm gonna cum. Yo, this is fucking wild, man. Kyle, are you flexing? Your armpit, homie? Huh? Are you flexing? No. Dude, your armpit, homie? Yeah. Smells fucking great, okay? And I know you thought I was gonna say something else, but this guy's straight up shot work. Let's go! What's weird is I think I just developed the opposite side of that kink. That's what's weird? I think I want more faces being dabbed with my skin. Dude, your wife, I'm sure, would love to dab in all your rolls. All right, well, hey.

I'm bringing that home. Damn. What are you going to say, baby? Wear me like a hood. She just takes her fat and goes. Yeah. He just stands behind her and just fucking. I don't want this. Blake, your body fucking sucks, dude. You would never be able to do that. Yeah. You're too fucking tight. Take your taut ass body out of here.

Kyle and I are going to be able to do that someday. Yep. Very soon. Right now. I just did it. Wait until Christmas is over. I'm going to be a real troopee dog. Yeah, we're going to be the same weight after Christmas. That's going to be cool. I like that. Slam some tamales, baby. Ooh, dog. I cannot wait for that shit. You know what's crazy, though?

Like, you can eat 50 tamales. Yeah. And, like, the fact that you say it like that. You sound white. Like, you're too white. And you guys know I'm talking about two of them ruined the rest of them because those two are so good. Yeah.

And then you eat the rest of them and you're like, these are just okay. Well, how many tamales do you eat? I eat them all the time. Whenever I go to a restaurant, I go. Those are hot pockets. Touché. Points. Okay. Self points. No, but if I go to a restaurant and you know where I had the greatest tamales in my life because you were there. Yeah, I know. Wiener Snitchel. No. No.

But I've been chasing the taste of that tamale ever since. Where was it? I don't remember. It was when we had a sketch show called The Lemmings that went on tour. And one of the Lemmings guys had us over to his place. And this woman who lived downstairs from him made tamales for the party. It's always a magical tamale lady. And they were un-fucking-believable. And I've been like a crackhead ever since.

chasing that tamale. It's always a four foot eleven Mexican woman. That's my wife's grandma who just waddles in, drops some tamales on your fucking face and blows your mind. Yes, it's always over five feet. If you see her and she's over five feet,

Hit the brick. Yeah, you're out of here. Tamale is a more shit. I go for it, though. If I see a tamale in the restaurant, I ask the waiter, I'm like, are these any good? Like, what's the deal? And if they say yeah, I go, all right. And I've never had one that was as good. I like a sweet tamale. I like a sweet one. If anyone would throw up a tamale for a girl's hair. If anybody would throw a tamale at us. If anyone even smells like tamale, I'll just sniff your hair. You know what? I'm hard up.

Have it all.

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Did you guys ever have tamale pie growing up? Is that something that y'all had? We didn't have that in Chicago. It was fucking trash now that I've had actual tamales, but it was just like meat and olives and cheese. That sounds like white people took over. It was very much a white. I don't like it.

Boo! Yeah, fuck tamale pie! No, we're booing you, Kyle. No, no, I'm with him. They're not booing me. I'm with them. Yeah, fuck tamale pie! Yeah, yeah! Fuck it! Kyle! Yeah? We came from the same area. We went to the same school. Do you remember Taco Boats? I do remember Taco Boats. It was the exact same thing. It was just a fucking...

Pile of olives and cheese. Yes, it was. On like a weird, like a tostada that was curved up like a boat. Well, aren't you guys, you guys are from California. There's tons of... It was a hard shell like boat, like tostada that had been curved up and then they just poured shit in and shoved it in the oven. It looked like a tortilla that the lunch lady stepped in to make it like kind of... Right, right. And you know what's crazy? Like at the meeting where they're like, so these are some of the foods the old whites in charge took one bite and they said...

Ma'am, this is delicious. No, they actually brought like real Mexican food and the old whites in charge were like,

That's too spicy. Lock her up. Hot, hot, hot. Lock her up. Can we have French onion soup, please? We're going to be all sorts of different old whites, aren't we? Yes, we are. Denial. We wanted to do a test for the audience, right? You want to see if... Oh, if there's participation? What was it? Participation? Yeah, I'm going to press something, and then we're going to see what happens. The stars at night are big and bright.

Yo. Good job. I liked that. I liked that. And by the way, shout out to the House Lights for coming up hella quick. Deep in the heart of Texas. They knew what needed to happen. House Lights was like. I bet everybody does that. Even when Jerry Seinfeld comes, he's like, what's the deal with the stars are bright? What? Try it again, dude.

Yeah, Blake. Blake, try it again. We're filming our special tonight. Just do a take two. It's fine. We're filming our special. We can retake this. It's all good. And I don't want to. No, no, no. You're Jerry Seinfeld. That means you have to be standing up right here if you're Jerry Seinfeld. This isn't going to be funny.

And yep, you have to say... You're Jerry Seinfeld. He wore his boots, everyone. And then you just have to say, what's the deal with... All right, and quiet on set, rolling, sound speed, and... Camera. Wait, camera. What's the line? The stars are bright. You have to say, what's the deal... Wait, wait, wait. What's the deal with... Wait, and... The stars at night are big and bright. Just do that. And action. And what's the deal with the stars at night are big and bright...

Yeah, that was okay. I felt you did good. And if it's not a McNugget, then I'm not going to McEat it.

I don't even get it. You're done, Jerry. I don't even get it. Adam, was that worth it? I don't know what just happened. Are you saying that everyone who comes here does a version of that and that was the Jerry Seinfeld version? I'm saying the dude was so quick on the trigger, it seems like everybody comes out, drops that, and everybody's like... Oh. Right. You could say it anywhere. I'm not going to insult him. I think that no matter where that man is, he whips out a light and shines it on people.

when he hears that and that's not an insult that's that's just what he's the stars at night are big and bright did you oh i love it i like it better when kyle does it not jerry seinfeld well i didn't i was actually like this with his head when he says it the stars are big and bright now this is the kind of fun i wanted to have in san antonio man

Sweet Texas fun. I came here to have a specific kind of fun, and that's the kind of fun I want to have. Yeah, baby. Call and response time. You guys, we got a new segment tonight called Riverwalk Talk. And I'm making it up right now. They don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But so, like, pretty much...

There's no railings on the river. Oh, what the fuck? So I'm just wondering, basically, people be going in the river, right? Yeah. You have to. Is there river cops that pull up on little dinghy boats? It's like the side of the stage. You're walking right here, and if you're out with your homies and they're like, fuck you, dude, you get pushed in the river, right? Yes. Yes.

It has to happen all the fucking time. It has to. See, that's what's cool about Texas, is if that were in California, there would be a gate over the entire river. 20 feet tall. There would be a homeless encampment on top of it. Yeah, it would be blocking all wildlife from getting into the water. There would just be a bunch of guys warming their hands over the river.

Oh, did you want to push your friend in here? This is my home. And then there would be a TikToker jumping the fence and going into the water. Driving a Tesla through it. I haven't been there. Is it a far drop if you were to fall in? No, it's just a couple feet. It's just like a fucking river. It's fucking cool. But like, for sure, has anyone here been pushed into it? Well, like...

Four feet? No, four feet. So it's half of Victor Wembenyama. Wow. Yes, points. Yes, points. Yes, points. What'd he say? He said half of Victor Wembenyama. I was talking about the Spurs. Oh, okay, cool. Tight, tight, tight, tight. Are you guys hyped?

Are you guys high? It's got to be pretty exciting to have that guy here. To have Victor Weminyama here, it's got to be pretty sick. And we all have to say his name as fast as we can. Victor Weminyama. Weminyama. Victor Weminyama. Does he have a nickname yet? Weminyama? That's a bad nickname. Wemby? Wemby. Oh, that's kind of cool. Remember when they were calling Kevin Durant Durantula, and he was like...

I actually hate that nickname. That is the coolest nickname of all time. That's really good. Then they upgraded it. They're like, okay, how about the Slim Reaper? And it was like, oh shit. And he's like, nah, that shit fucking sucks. Wait, what? Yes. This is both Durant? I wish he was pitching nicknames. He was like, what about just like

handsome basketball man. And they're like, well, that doesn't have a ring to it. I'd love it if you would just call me Nails. And you're like, we're not calling you Nails. Yeah, that's a trip. That has nothing to do with basketball. Devin Karan.

Oh, okay. Actually, I like that one. That's funny. Did you see what I did there, though? It's a spoonerism. And I assume his voice is hella deep. Yeah, you like flipped the first, what, you just took the first letter? It's a spoonerism. It's a spoonerism, yeah. What the fuck's a spoonerism? We've talked about the spoonerism before, right? It's when you just switch the, like, front letters a couple words. Okay, so I'm Dadom. Can you guys give us a second? And mine. And mine. Yeah, it's hard to do yours. I'm Niall Kowachek. Right.

Kind of fun. I feel like we could do this for another 20 minutes. I'm a lake benderson. Yours doesn't work, bro. Yours doesn't work, though, bro. I am a lake benderson. Benderson. Alec? Benderson. Oh, a lake. Yes, okay. How would you pronounce Alec? Alec? Yeah, I was going to say Alec. Well, how do you do dirzes? You don't, motherfucker. Tamale, San Antonio! Oh, my God.

Shut up, bitch. Okay, while we're on Riverwalk Talk. Riverwalk Talk coming to you live from San Antonio. I don't know if any of y'all have ever been to Disneyland, but the Riverwalk smells exactly like the Jungle Cruise. Yeah, wow.

Yeah, there's a lot of bird action. What's up with the fucking pigeons? Oh, dude, what are those fucking birds? They're pigeons? Well, there's pigeons, but there's birds that make noises that are kind of scary. They sounded like fucking bats. I thought they were fucking bats. They sound like monkeys that will eat your brains. They sounded like birds to me. Oh, well, I thought they sounded a little bit like bats. They are bats? They are bats?

So they are bad hey, oh, they fucking are bats dude a level of a level of mystery has been added to San Antonio Yeah, I like that. That's don't go out like that. I know what that sound like bro. I like bats a lot Who was San Antonio was he cool? Sit down like this was he a good guy was he funny like are you saying San Antonio as in the saint? Yeah, is that what sand means?

Yeah. So if you've heard the Metallica song, enter Sandman. No. Enter Saint Man. No, San Anger. No, this is something we should have looked up before coming to San Antonio. Yeah, of course. Whenever we go to a city and we do bad history of that city, the whole crowd is like, that's not what it's from! Right. Goodbye. Goodbye.

I imagine it's the same. And I'm wondering if him and St. Louis beefed or were cool. Was Francisco a fucking bitch? And what's up with Diego? What's Diego's involvement in all this? Diego was a G and you know that. All I want to know is who's... Diego started... Diego. Diego. Diego. Diego. I don't even know if you're talking about... He definitely invented the skateboard. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, for sure. Right. He was like, if you just break off the long part of the cross, man. It's a long board. And you take that accent for what you will, you know? Yeah. I like that. The long part of the cross. Hey, hey. We're talking about mine. A big and bright.

Okay, real question. The whole couple, that couple's leaving or they're going to fuck in the bathroom. Maybe both. Get it. What just happened? I'm going to cum. What just happened? The both of them left. Well, we talked about my dead Aunt Hazel earlier. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Did you guys have any spirits stay with you? Do you have any archangels?

Does archangel mean like an evil angel? I think an archangel is evil, right? No, that's like when you get like a McDonald's hamburger that like... Oh, that has two patties in it? When you bite into it, you see the farm it was raised on? Yeah.

The cause of diarrhea. I do. I do have... Yeah, I do. I mean... Please tell me about your spirit encounters. My wife's... Grandpa. How did you pronounce that? And can you do it as Borat? My wife's... Okay, great. My wife's... Now I know what you mean. Yes, points! Grandpa was... Are you giving points for that? I'm going to give him points every time he does Borat, so you could rack him up. Oh, shit. What does he say? Does he say, that's nice. Yes, points! Oh, oh, oh.

That's all Kyle knows is my wife and that's nice. Yeah, and then I'm like trying to think of anything else. I don't have any other ones. But my wife, my wife. Yes, points. My wife. Yes, points. I don't have a story that goes beyond this except my wife's grandfather, he talks to us through car alarms. It's like an alarm clock. Woo-hoo.

Like when he died, when he died, it's just like, it's just like one of those things. I love you. I love you. I'm watching. I love you. I'm watching. I love you. I never. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I like the version that the grandfather's coming back just letting you know, like, I never liked you. You're my least favorite grandkid. Yeah. Let her go. Let her go. Is it where we know, like, the order that those things come in, though? Like, I know that after, like, meaner, leaner.

And I don't even know if I've ever heard that in my life. Dude, there was a bird in my neighborhood that could do that whole car alarm thing.

Because when I grew up, I'd do a paper route. Your neighborhood is cool. Yeah. I mean, did you grow up in West Baltimore? I grew up in... Where they shot the wire? Where did you grow up? Have you seen Jumanji? Dude, that wasn't a bird. That was the neighbor's special kid.

Oh, right. Yo, we called him Lil Bird. Hey, Blake, real quick for me because I just didn't understand that. What does special mean? Blake? It's all I could... I don't know, man.

I just wanted to know because everyone was laughing, so what did that mean to you? To me, it was like their number one favorite son. Oh, that's hilarious. That's very funny. Like super talented kid. Take another sip of your cancel sauce, buddy. I'm laughing already. Now that's some riverwalk talk, boy. Dude, when I was in Hawaii, I was where they shot...

Hunger Games Mockingbird Mockingjay Mockingjay Mockingjay Okay And one of the birds I was on this I was on this hike And one of the birds Goes Oh Which I think is the Maybe I'm doing it wrong But it's the That wasn't great But yeah Give it one more

That's the Mockingjay sound. Yeah, it's from the movie, right? Yeah, so they must have heard it and learned it. Yeah, these birds, man. They're fucking smart, bro. That's why I hate birds, dude. Because they're too threatening. Adam hates anything that learns more than him. It gets violent. It gets crazy. I hate them.

Yeah. He's not going to tolerate it. No, well, birds, because you can trust them, dude. And they're always up in trees looking down on you, being like, I'm going to shit on you. Right. I'm going to dive bomb your car. Yeah. That's why I like bats. I like bats better than birds for sure. Okay. Hot. Dude, this is fucking hot talk. Wait, so hang on. Let me just get this straight so I can fucking understand. You like bats more than birds? Yeah.

Dude, I do. I think they're sick. Actually, I saw a video that cracked me up. I'm going to go take a shit. Yeah, that's fine. But you know how bats hang upside down and they stretch their wings and shit? There's a video floating around where somebody turned that upside down. Okay. And then it looks like they're dancing. They put in goth. Oh, yeah. That was great. It was like this is like a goth club in the 80s. Yeah. Dude, it was so good.

It was so good. And it was set to Joy Division or something? Right, right. I like that, dude. I know Joy Division. So the grandfather talks to you through car alarms, and how? He talks to us through car alarms and also anything that has to do with... Wait, did you say Carl Arms? Car alarms. So do tattoos show up on your arms? No, no, no, no, no, no. It just was like right after he died, we had some crazy instances where the car alarms were going off, and his whole thing was like security...

So now... Oh, shit. Yeah, that was his whole thing. Were his initials A-D-T? His initials were A-D-T. Yes, points! Okay, yeah, I'll get some. Yes, points! I bet he's here. I bet he's here. Grandpa Ed, if you're here, turn on the house lights. Holy shit! Turn them off! Turn them off! Turn them off! Holy shit!

Did you guys fucking see that? The house lights come on? Yeah, we saw that. Did you see that? Yeah, I saw that. At the same time when I asked the spirit to turn them on. Dude, when my grandmother died in my childhood bedroom. What? Wait! She walked in and saw you beating off and was like...

She was like, no grandson of mine should have that small of a cock. She was dying, so she moved in with us, and then my mom was like, move your crippled ass out of your bedroom. And you live in the basement now. So now I'm in the basement in a hospital bed. Wait, Adam, around the house at that age, did you do a lot of like...

Dude, that's a joke. It's science. Dude, that's a joke, but absolutely. That's how I got up and down the stairs. For real? With your arms? Yeah. Wow. That's why these arms are so fucking jacked, bro. Yeah.

Be cool. That's why these arms are so fucking jacked. Hey, Durst, that was fucking tight, bro. No, no, no, no. That was tight. Physical comedy. There's nothing like physical comedy on a podcast. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? And so if you're listening at home... Yeah, and she died in my childhood bedroom. And then we kept reaching up when she was dying and talking to someone in the corner. And then my mom asked who she was talking to. Kathy Ireland. Yeah. And it was people that have already died before. Oh, really? So she was seeing them. Oh, my God! The night that she passed, it was a ton of...

Our doorbell kept ringing, and we'd look out the window, and no one's there. Dude, electronics, man. They hold ghosts. Electronics are where ghosts go, dude. I'm telling you. I love it. Dude, Adam. This is... Turned out it was my buddy Ryan just punking us. Yeah, for sure. Well, good job, Ryan. 2,000%.

Your mom was trying to be sweet. She's like, ding dong, she's still alive, you guys. She lives in the lights. What, my mom is wasted when she's telling us this? She's still alive. Yeah, wouldn't you be drunk after folks die? You're like, all right, I'll crack a few. And then you just tell your kids, like, I don't know. No, we knew she's dead. It'd be fucking terrifying if she was still alive. Nana's in the doorbell, guys. So when that rings, that's her ghost kissing you.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Now you can really fuck with kids. Like, you could, like, dress up like a ghost and go on the ring cam and be like, whoa, I'm here and I'm fucking pissed. Because they have, like, because are your kids on the ring cam? Well, you could be like, oh, my God, I just got an alert from my ring cam. Right. Holy shit, it's Aunt Tilly. Right, right.

And she saw what you're doing with your dick in your room. Right? Yeah. Okay, cool. Yes. Is my dick in my room? That's for sure. That was right around the time that I started jerking off, you know? Nice, yeah. For sure, I was like... Yeah, dude. Hey, wait. Yes, points! It was in my childhood. Yeah? It was in my childhood bedroom. Yeah, dude, get over on your side.

It was in my childhood bedroom, and I was convinced that my grandma was staring at me. And I loved it. Yeah, did that just shape you? Shaped your whole sexual experience? Did you say shake your hole? I said shake, and it just shaked your hole? You ain't never seen shit like this, Grandma! Yes, points! Woo!

I just, I'm kind of getting horny, so I gave you points. Okay. Okay. I like the idea of parents who don't know how to reprimand or parent their children doing it through spirits and ghosts, though. That would be cool. You know what you could do, too? You could be, like, filming your kid's Little League game or whatever, and then take that footage and bring it in the computer and just, like, put a ghost in the background. Yeah.

And this is what happens when you fucking strike out, you stupid bitch. Right. Exactly. There's just a Grim Reaper in the outfield. Wait. I love it. I love it. I love it. Is the Grim Reaper beating off?

That could be another element we add. For sure. Someone's jacking off though, right? Yeah. We're going to make such great parents. What do you mean? We're all parents. We're so deep into the parenting game. Yeah. Well, you're going to make great parents. I'm going to get better at it. Keep it up. I swear. Yeah. Yeah.

Because you're not great now. You'll get there. I'm around. I told Kyle about my long con with my kid. Oh, yeah. At the beach. I'm still going to send it. I live on the beach in Orange County. And I buried a... What's your address again? I buried a...

small skeleton in my sand. Okay. Like an actual human skeleton? No, like an Amazon fake skeleton. Adam is a true old white already. He has sand. I buried this in the sand and when my kid is about eight or nine and he's acting a fool, I'm going to be like, you know you had an older brother. I buried this thing two years ago just in case.

And I'm like, so it's going to look way fucked up and old. Right. Well, yeah, that's going to be almost like 10 or 11 years underground for this plastic, I want to say, plastic skeleton. I think so. Did you put like a Taylor Swift concert like bracelet on his wrist? I should have. I didn't. You can always do it. Like any sort of time capsule type thing. Adam, you have so much time to go put a bracelet on that skeleton's hand. It doesn't need to be down there for 10 years. Yeah, but I want it to look, I want it to go untouched. Wait.

Adam, wait, wait. Hold on. I want to hear the rest of the ruse. So you're saying that you had a kid. Are you saying that you murdered that child or they died? No, no, no. I murdered him for being naughty. Right, right. And the younger one will end up in the sand with...

Oswald as well. Whatever the name is. Why don't you set up a couple other things, like have a frozen cow heart in the freezer and be like... Well, then that's taking up freezer space. I need that. It's like you haven't thought of this, Blake. If anything, I should just bury more things in the sand and be like, and you had a sister, and you used to have a pet lizard. Yeah, and you know what? He didn't eat his green beans either, and they're right here.

And back when I was a kid, there was dinosaurs and then just a full dinosaur bones. I like that. Yeah. I like that. Maybe he'd be an archaeologist. I like that. I do like that, like, you do that and then he's 24, like, on his own in the beach in, like, Santa Barbara and finds just, like, a flip-flop and people are like, oh, look, a lost flip-flop. And he's like, this was a person. Yeah.

This person had a life. And everyone's like, yo, Orlando, be cool about it. Well, what's definitely... Orlando Divine, chill, dude. What's definitely going to happen is I'm going to forget about it and sell the house in 15 years or something. And then the next owner is going to be like, you know what? Let's do something with the beach here. And they dig it up and they're like, what the fuck? Right. Right.

Right. And it's going to be on the news. Like, they found skeletons. They're going to call in some, like, archaeologists, like Indiana Jones coming in to figure it out. Right. Yeah. And then there's just, like, an Amazon tag still on it. It's like, oh, whoops. They're like, this just cost 69 bucks. Oh, shit. Honestly, dude, that is insane that you did that. 69, dudes! Yeah. Oh, okay. Hey, that's... Insanely...

Dope, right? It's wild. Yeah, I like that. Hey, I don't know if you guys are running low. Isaac, will you come out here with a refill? Isaac. And by the way, he was so close. It's like he fucking knew. Isaac. What? Rockies, thank you. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Definitely, hey, Isaac, definitely don't bring Adam a beer.

Watch this, Adam. Why you got to do that to me, Isaac? Hey, Adam. What'd he do? What the fuck? Where's mine? Isaac, show your tits to the crowd. Your boobs are huge. Isaac. Your boobs are huge. He did it. Isaac, you have that new fresh haircut. Maybe you show them titties.

Your boobs are huge. Isaac, are you kind of a nasty dude? Hello. Very shagadelic. 69, dudes! Like, but real talk, like, full 100% honesty, like... Yeah, because we've been lying about most of this shit. You see a guy carrying this at the Riverwalk and you beat him up, right? Yeah. Freaking see ya. Water trash. So, explain to me, is the Riverwalk, like, a ton of cool bars, or...

Ew. Is there, like, a lot of cool bars there, or is it just, like, mostly, like, ladies' boutiques where you buy, like, jade bracelets? Dude, I went to Casa Rio and fucking crushed. Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like a tourist trap, but I'm a sucker for that shit. Yeah.

It seems like a great place to have a bachelor party. Did you get anything? Did you get any shirts or anything like that? I just got this AK-40 fucking 7, bro. You're bearing the headline here, pal. I'm carrying a fucking duck, dude. I'm pretty cool. I hate to break it to you, Blake. That's an AR-15, buddy. Is it? My bad, dude. I don't know guns that well. Yeah, Adam's been involved in upwards of six school shootings. Hey, tell you what, I haven't.

But I'd be so good at it. To be honest, this is like, you know, I don't want to joke about this. He's never obviously done a school shooting. What board buttons do I push for this? Hey, Blake, play. You know, what's weird is, you know, I don't know why you think we have to even joke about this. We can be... Blake, quit joking about school shooting. Okay. Okay.

Okay. It's kind of weird that you think we need to make light of something so serious. I'm not trying to, man. I'm just trying to. Blake, it's not funny, dude. Okay? And let Anders cancel himself. Yeah, it's very weird. Have a little more to cancel. Last time we were doing Riverwalk talking. Now you're into this part of the show. Let's go. Oh, my fucking God.

No. No. This episode's going to be 35 minutes long once Anna gets her hands in the edit space. I promise you it's going to be brought to you by so many new sponsors that are like, these are the binoculars you need when you're out at night. Yeah. Just looking at your neighborhood. Do you like black rifle coffee? It's all gun related. Yeah. Yeah. It's that. Yeah, I like it too.

Is it pretty good? The flashlights that are like, what, military? It's like, do you need a brighter flashlight? And you're like, not really. They're like, this one's super bright. You go, all right, well, what's the catch? You buy one, you get 40 free. You go, well, I don't need 40, but if it's going to save the country. But if you tape them all together, then it becomes a laser cannon. Nice. He has points.

I'll take them. Yes, points! I feel like San Antonio is a place we could go shoot guns, though. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude.

I just went and I do a hunting trip with my family and friends in the South Dakota-Nebraska border. Yeah! And we hunt pheasant, but my buddy brought this AR-15. Wait, did you say peasants or pheasants? Pheasants. Okay. We line up all these pores. And they put a pumpkin on this hill and filled it with tannerite, which is an explosive. Yeah.

And, dude, I fucking pegged that thing. You hear everybody with a small dick say, yeah? Dude, pegged that thing. You got it? How big was the explosion when you hit it? Was it massive? Yeah, it was fucking huge, dude. It was like a fucking crater in the ground. Did you come? Yeah, a medium-sized crater. And you came? Yeah. I like that. You came pretty hard? It was a Victor Webinyama. Oh, yeah, a Victor Webinyama.

Webby. Webby. You love him? So after the big explosion, is it like all these dudes being like... Yes, exactly. Yeah! Exactly. Dude, it's such a good feeling. And the cool thing about it, and I probably couldn't do this if you asked me a hundred other times, everybody took like ten shots, and then it was my turn, and I pegged it on the first one. Can we see your hand movement one more time for how you shot? Everyone hit it, and then I fucking... And you were like... And then I went like...

But you hold it like this. No, but you didn't do that, though. That'd be cool if you said it. Now you're conscious. Now you know. But before you're like this. And then I'm like this. I blew it a kiss and I said, whew. And it went kablooey and everyone shrieked.

You got me, dude. And we were in Southern Dakota. I don't like him. It's okay. He's my least favorite of the four of us. Ders is tough. He's tough. He's just tough sometimes. He's a tough one to deal with sometimes. Sometimes he's got his own agenda. And he's on a good one tonight. That's the river. He's doing it. He's on the river walk.

He's talking about school shootings a lot. Maybe put a spotlight on him and see what happens. Maybe if we put a spotlight on him. So you're shooting at the Tanarac with an AR-15? He put me on as like I'm a school shooter and then kind of put that on me. That was rough. I didn't even have the mic up. And then he gets in MySpace. I'm trying to tell a story. He gets in MySpace. I guess I'm also wondering. He's being a fucking dick. Why are you shooting at Tanarac with a semi-automatic? What, did he shoot at that with a rifle? I don't know.

Wouldn't you shoot that Tanorak with one shot as opposed to many? I don't understand. Yeah, you're a stupid dumbass. Perfect. Is everybody here shooting at Tanorak with an automatic rifle? Or are you just shooting it with one bullet? Well, it's not automatic, so you pull the trigger and it's one bullet. You don't have the cool thing that the Vega shooter had? No, I don't have the cool thing the Vega shooter had. You don't have the bump stock, dude? Nope.

- Okay. - So, Kyle, the other thing I almost bought on the Riverwalk was Selena merchandise. - Oh, dude! - Whoa! - Is she from San Antonio? - What did they have? What did they have?

Because I love, I mean. Hella t-shirts. Yeah, well, you can get those almost anywhere now. Is she from San Antonio? Yeah, Selena. Close enough. She's around the way. I think she kicked it here a lot and had a store out here or some shit. I stay up and think of you. Go ahead. This is impressive. When I wish on a star. Stand up, bring in spotlight.

Spotlight. Well, I love you too. Because I'm dreaming of you tonight. Everybody put their phone. Flashlight on the phone, sir. We'll be holding you tight. Flashlight on your phone. Because there's nowhere in this world I'd rather be than here in my room dreaming about you. Purple fat.

Damn. That was so impressive, dude. And I didn't realize you had such a beautiful voice. Thanks, thanks. One more time en espanol. Go. No, I can't. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to butcher it. We literally just looked into Kyle's honeymoon when he fucking laid it down.

Is that what you were whispering to Marisa? Marisa. But, no, but for real, real talk, that song is from 1994, 95-ish. Okay, go off, Keith. The best decade, the 90s. That's when your dick first started working. Exactly. That's when my dick first started. That's when I met my wife. Okay. Hey. Because we were in fifth grade together, and so I would think about her when I...

Heard that song on the radio, dude. So that's just a moment for love. That's a big love moment right there. You know what I mean? When your dick first started working. My dick first started coming. Sorry, my dick first started coming around there. Your dick first started coming in fifth grade, dude? Around there. Whoa, I was way late to the game. When did you start coming? I was seventh grade and you were a sophomore in college. Wait, you're going to tell me when I started coming? Yeah.

I could tell when your voice dropped a little bit, I had already known you. Me? You were a late bloomer, right? Were you 7th, 8th grade? Yeah, but I started coming very early. Oh, really? Do tell. Wait a second. So you're telling me that if I sucked your dick...

When you were, let's say, 12, I'd get a mouthful of cum. That's what you're telling me? No, okay, no. Whoa. Do I need to sing Selena again? I tried to turn it the fuck around, you know what I mean? Oh, bro. Goddamn. Is that what you're saying? I just recall in the early stages coming... Yeah, the good old days. You can say puberty. It would be like one...

Pepsi drop. A giant sperm. A giant sperm would wriggle out and then flop on the floor for a little bit. And that guy just left. Fuck! Fuck! We had you through the childhood. Come, I'm out of here!

Yeah, no, I can't. What song, when you first started coming, really hit home? I think it was like something by Phil Collins. I think I know what it was. I can't dance. I can't walk. The only thing about me is the way I jizz. Was it Rod Stewart's Forever Young? No, I think you know what it was, dude. Play it. Play it, boy.

Can we get a spotlight? Can we get a spotlight on my band here? What is this show? Wait, what? Hey, no one knows. I can feel it. Is that this song? So I would be like, I would... I'll back you up, brother. So this is you closing the door? Will you get away from me? In your childhood bedroom? Ew, your hair is everywhere. When you were 12?

It was pre-internet. There's no laptop. And, of course, I had a VCR. I had, like, MTV Spring Break. You had, like, Brooke Burke, Cutie the Beach. Go ahead. Dude, watch this guy go. This is like in that movie Salt Burn. This is like Elordi.

You're like the OG iSpice. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I don't want to go there. No, wait for the drop. And then I'll be like... Yeah, there it is. Yeah, the goal was always... Wait, why are you... Why are you fingering... You fingered your ass? So what? Let the guy go. Yeah, you were fingering your ass? No, he was itching. He was scratching. He was scratching. That's an advanced move.

The goal was to make it to the drop, but he could never make it to the drums. No, it turns out the intro is super long. Yeah, but you always came before the drop. You were trying to make it to the drums. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good. When the hell does it even hit?

Oh, it's hella long, dude. It's a while. Like, you guys would have been watching me get ready to jerk off for upwards of three minutes. It's a lot of you, like, setting the lotion in the right place. Yeah, I'm like, look, it's just right. At the beginning of the song, Phil Collins is still in Genesis. It's going to come in, like... I literally fast-forwarded it one minute, and it still hasn't done anything. Yeah, dude, that's classically, like, long. I'll just do it. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

It is cool that Blake is like a minute later and I can't jizz. Yeah, that's okay. Do you remember? We're at 3:30 out of 5:30. Here we go. And then your mom's like, "Hey, Blake, you want a ham sandwich?" Yeah.

Yes. Hey, Blake, you want a Capri Sun? You thirsty in there? Yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming. If you're listening to the podcast, Blake just had a full body orgasm. It apparently jizzed all over his carpet. No, it's just one big one. It was a pet snake.

Dude, I think my song was, I swear. I swear. By the moon and the stars in the sky. Okay. Wow. I'll be there. That made you jizz? I'll be there.

I swear. I swear. Isn't that a bunch of guys singing? Yeah. It's all for one. Yeah, but they were singing about, they're swearing about the love of a woman. Adam, show us how you jerk off. See, no, you don't want to see that because it wasn't pretty. It was like...

I had to fuck something, so it was... Can I sing? Uh-huh. When I swim. What are you making us do? The shadows of my whole side.

I'm going to come. I see the questions in your eyes. I was waking on your mind. Turn the lights up. Jesus Christ. Wait, you're flying. Wait. Adam's flying. Wait a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Everybody shut up for whatever reason. Kyle. Kyle.

Yeah. Adam's fly is actually open. Well, do you know why? Do you know why? Because a ghost fucking did it, bro. A ghost pulled down his fly. He was actually fucking a ghost right there. Has that been open the whole time, or did your dick just fucking try and burst out? Dude, it heard all for one, and it tried to escape. Yeah, the ghost came through there and fucking unzipped him. Easy. Blazer, I love that your parents were just downstairs listening, and they're like,

he's rearranging his room again? This guy can't get his day bed in the right place. The boy loves feng shui. I will say that. Blake is coming like a maniac. Adam's fucking his futon like crazy. Blazer, if you can pull up Speed Racer house remix...

First of all, what? Is this only on YouTube? So when you grow up in Chicago in the 90s. Okay. In the 90s. House music was a little bit of a thing. Would this be on YouTube? I don't know, bro. It is definitely not on iTunes. But basically the breakdown was just like, oh, this is a fun song. And then at a certain point, like a minute and 30 in, Speed Racer and Trixie are fucking. Would it be Speed Racer remix Alpha Team Dirty Version slash YouTube? Probably.

In the 90s. And I'm like eight years old and I'm like, I guess this is... Well, first we have to get past... We got to add for... Basically AI. It's AI stuff about how to write your report better for work. Well, should they be a sponsor? You can fast forward to like a minute and a half in. Okay, minute and a half. Okay.

I also don't remember this even a little bit. Oh, you would smack it. Yep. The old jackrabbit. I wonder if the Always Sunny in Philadelphia guys jerk off on couches during their live podcasts.

Yeah, I don't know. Freaking doubt it. Doubt it, nerds. That being said, this is brought to you by Four Walls Whiskey. Go out and get yourself a bottle. Hey, Kyle.

Did we cover what you jerked off to? Well, I think I started with Selena. You know what I mean? Jerking off to... That works. It's a little disrespectful, but yeah, it works. No, you know what it was? Do you know what song I actually jerked off to? We don't. It was a Boyz II Men song, dude. Isn't there a sexual-ass Boyz II Men song? They all were. It's not Unbended Knee. The one with the sharp hands? I'll make love to you like you want me to. And

I'll hold you tight, baby. I'll put the nothing love to you. Yeah. Okay. I thought we were. I actually think that song did get me fucking really horny. Yeah.

See, basically, any song that it would be like a couple skate, any song that would be like a couple skate, that's what you were jerking off to. Yeah, I was into the whole love of it all, dude. I'm still in. I love love, man.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Should we do some Hot Topics? Let's do it, baby. San Antonio Hot Topics! The stars at night are big and

Part of Texas. Damn, y'all rock. Y'all fucking rock. Dude. Here we go. Okay, thank you. TexasMom33, who pretended to be her 13-year-old daughter at middle school...

Where she recorded her day is found guilty of criminal trespass and sentenced to six months of probation. Well, where was her daughter? Do we know where her daughter was? Yeah, probably at home, chilling. Okay. So she, like, poses her seventh grade daughter. Freaking poser. And she's a 33-year-old woman. I mean, was she...

Just trying to be like a TikTok star? It sounds like it was like an attempted trend. I saw a cool picture. She had like a hoodie up with sunglasses on. Oh. She just looked like a Unabomber. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Terrible pic. I would kind of enjoy that, like to just go to high school for a day as your kid and be like. Wasn't that a Drew Barrymore movie? Yeah.

Yeah. Why is she on probation, yet Drew Barrymore is making millions of dollars? Interesting. Okay, Hollywood. Okay. And then the reprimands were just some pretty bitch made. It was $700 fine. Okay. And then 100 hours community service. Dude, you could get someone to fake ass sign off on that so quickly. Ian, did you say six months? Did it say? Yeah, six months. But that's fake, dude. Dude, that's a lot. Six months? Have you ever gotten probation? 700 bucks?

And community service? I had to do 40 hours of community service because I threw a party at my house in high school. So I had to do 40 hours of community service. All I did was I went to my girlfriend's church, and I go, I'm going to build you a cross to put in the front atrium. And they're like, do it. We're good. I took two 2x4s.

nailed them together and painted them brown and then turned it in and was like, there you go. And they go, how long did this take? And I go, 40 hours. Thank you, God.

Nice. And I starved for 40 days and 40 nights. And they were like, all right, fuck. We don't care. We got this sick-ass cross now. Wait, they said, all right, fuck. We don't care. We have a sick-ass cross. Yeah, it was Pastor Brozark's. Yeah, that church is sick as fuck. It's like, fuck it, whatever. It's always kind of cool to hear about Adam's upbringing exactly.

Exactly the way it happened. It's like, yeah, man, fuck, that's fucking sick, dude. Two by fours nailed together, it's a sick fucking cross. Get out of here, dude. Let's go get some fucking pizza, bro. Keep throwing more parties. But why did the mom go to high school? She's probably a weirdo. I think it was a TikTok thing. I think she was trying to get the footy. A YouTube thing. She uploaded it to YouTube.

It showed Garcia tanning her skin and dyeing her hair to resemble her then 13-year-old daughter before attending Ann M. Garcia Enriquez Middle School. So did she go to see if she could get away with it, or did she go to be like, I'm going to go see what they're teaching my daughter? Yeah, I don't know. Did I just get too real? Are you here right now? Go ahead and stand up. We've got a few questions. Where are you? She's like, math? What the fuck are they teaching them here? This sucks.

I don't know. And then she was like, we need better security at our schools. That's what she was trying to prove. See, that's what I'm saying. Was she going to, like, prove a point? Or was she going to be like, I'm going to go see if I can be like my daughter because, like, I'm not old yet, right?

Yeah, no. She for sure went to like fuck the quarterback and then she got caught and she's like security's bad though and that's why. I remember the name of the Drew Barrymore movie. It was Never Been Kissed. Right. And that's about her. For sure she was like it's my favorite movie. I'm going to relive it. I'm going to go fuck Declan. And was Never Been Kissed about Drew Barrymore going back. Fucking the quarterback. Oh, cool. It was about Drew Barrymore going to find Declan and sucking his dick. I got to see that.

Yeah, you should watch it. Declan, is that your deck? I'm going to stop that. And who's the quarterback? Declan. Probably Freddie Prinze Jr. Okay. Hit me with it. San Antonio tiny home community goes viral on social media. Okay.

Evidently they have some tiny homes here. Well, tiny homes are fucking dope. I knew Kyle was going to be deep into this. I geek out on tiny homes. You know what I geek out on? Bigger homes. No, but I mean like I think it's cool. I think it's fucking what they do with their space. Well, it's cool for like a tree house for your children to play in. Well, that's why I dig on it. I dig because it's like they have like the way they use their space is so efficient. Okay.

Okay. Hey, nice. That's why I dig it. I guess I'm kind of like, maybe just live in a home that's not tiny, but then also just...

Don't make a show or news about it. Dude, you should run for office, dude. Nobody gives a fuck. Just go live in a tiny house and then shut the fuck up. Is that possible? Or is there a bullhorn on the top of every tiny house? Well,

That's cool. It's the Blues Brothers attitude on the tiny house. Yeah, so what Kyle's referring to is the car from the Blues Brothers. Essentially, the tiny homes are just like an apartment. It's a 600 square foot, one bedroom, two bath home. They're fucking cool. And you're like, yeah, that's an apartment. Yeah, that's cool. And then it's

For $136,000, you got to buy this tiny old studio. That's a lot. Yeah, it's kind of a lot. That's a lot. But compared to the bigger houses you speak so fondly of, that's pretty cheap. Yeah, but also, it would be cool if we all moved into one and just fucking did a reality show. I like that. But that was the workaholics. That's the podcast. That was workaholics. It's just called Big Dudes in a Tiny House.

So for Workaholics, we all just had one trailer that we changed in together and it was like fucking fine. Yeah, we didn't know on Workaholics that you were allowed to have other trailers. We thought all stars of every show just changed in the same trailer together for seven years straight. And then weirdly, Durs said like before every scene, it's like a tradition to kiss each other. And we're like, okay. Yeah, Durs was big into that. Yeah.

Hey, and it worked. Hit me with it. Okay. So NASA plans to build a subdivision of homes on the moon. Okay. And it may be sooner than you think. Oh, shit. Thanks, Elon. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly good. NASA's going to build civilian housing on the lunar surface using 3D printing robots within two decades. Okay.

According to several of the organization's scientists. I don't believe this. Would you retire on the moon? Yeah, if it was possible, yeah, I might do that. Hell yeah. I would go to the moon. Dude, I can't wait for everyone to move to the moon, and then I finally get to live somewhere dope. Right. Like, where would you move?

Like Florida, dude. My question is, does the moon have a... Yeah, you know how many guns they have in Florida? Nice. Does the moon have a river walk, like a made-up, like a cool artificial river walk? It's going to have a crater walk. Yeah, dude. You have the crater walk. I'm in, dude. I'm all the way in. Hey, what do you guys want me to say? Texas. Shut up. Yay. Yes, points. Shut up, you nerds. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. Moving to the moon, like, do they have the Criterion app?

Well, what sucks about moving to the moon and being one of the first people to live there, it's going to suck. Yeah, the first crew is going to be that. Yeah, because the infrastructure may compromise of systems including modern surface habitats, rovers, so that means like shrubs, rovers, meaning it's like shitty little vehicles. Fucking thing sucks! Laboratory capabilities, so what, we all have to be scientists? No thanks.

Power generation. What, you have a generator? We all have generators, motherfucker. And storage. Cool, you got a shed? Great. I don't have anything. You're like, you can collect moon rocks in your storage. I feel like also the first crew that's going to live on the moon is going to be like super nerds. Like nobody that cool, right? Yeah. No, there'll be like one really cool dude that is there that's like, oh, fuck. Yeah.

Oh, I blew it. I came way too early. I really thought I was going to be the funniest guy on the moon, but this guy is hilarious. That's the movie. That's cool. There's this nerd who just has a ton of one-liners. Damn, this guy's way smarter than I am. He rules, dude. And his fucking dick is huge. That's how you measure how funny someone is. How do you know? Hey, wait. Okay. Okay.

Isaac won, everybody. How do you know his dick's so huge? You put him in the fishbowl. We're going to read him. Wait, real quick. Blake, how do you know the guy's dick is so huge? When we do the defrosting process. His dick is just out. Oh, right. You're like, wait, that's defrosted? Yeah.

That's your dick defrosted. That's defrosted. I was frozen. It was cold as fuck in there, dude. Dude, I got out of the... I have a cold plunger in my house, and so I was in the cold plunger. I just got out of it, and I'm about to get in the shower, and my wife comes in, and she goes, oh, my God. And I go, why? What's up? And she goes, I've never seen your dick that small. Dude, the head was, like, barely peeking out of my body. I looked down, and it was just like...

Oh, yeah. I kind of like it. Sometimes you got to take shelter, you know? Yeah, that boy was creeping, creeping, creeping. Did you tell her this is like an evolutionary thing?

I said, hey, welcome to year two of marriage, babe. This is your life now. This is the real size of my dick. The more you explain it, the better. I had a strap-on this entire time. That's so funny. And she was like, you only had a strap-on of six other inches? You treated your dick like secret boss. You're like, the whole time it was small. But you already married.

And you said it was for my personality. Yeah. And she was like, well, you had a strap on, but like of just a normal size dick. Yeah. Yeah. Why didn't you? Yeah, I did. Why weren't you hogging out, bro? Should we do some hot, hot Q&As? I would love that, dude. So you guys got some hot Qs. We got some sweet, sweet A's. Hot, hot, hot, hot. So Abe asked Kyle, can you drop the concept album Friends of Aliens? Yes.

or Friends with Aliens featuring hit single I'm Fucking Aliens Tonight. Oh, wow. You're very shaggy. So, let's say what it is. This is an album that I made when I, well, it's an album I made when I, like what, 2006 or something like that, around there? No, I bet it's 2008 or 9.

Yeah, but it's like an album. It's a concept album about a guy who goes to space and he's having trouble on Earth. He's not fucking anybody on Earth. He's not having any luck. So he decides to go to space. So here's the setup is that Blake and I dated roommates. Well, the setup is a story. Blake and I dated roommates. And so we were always gone over at their house. And our house that we shared in was a sad and lonely place.

And we would come home and Kyle's making music and we're like, oh, what are you playing, dude? He's like, you guys want to hear the new song? And we're like, sure. And then it's a whole song about him being sad and lonely and going to outer space and he meets an alien. And the alien isn't man or woman. No, it's androgynous. It's androgynous and it's just an alien. And they fuck. I'm fucking aliens tonight cause I'm sad and lonely.

Yeah. I'm fucking. But yeah, it was tight. It's actually a good song and we were very worried. It's a good album. Yeah. That song. I think there is actually like 12 songs that exist right now that do take you through a bit of an arc. Drugs and Tacos, Tacos and Drugs. Dude, take a little bit of dank, mix it with a little crank and put it in a taco shell.

Mix a little brown. Oh, I wanted to do it, but whatever. So Ricky G asked, who came up with... Wait, hang on. Is it ever going to come out? Are you going to drop it? The question was, are you ever going to drop it? Yeah, I still... I'm learning how to play the whole fucking thing on the piano right now just because. It's like, dude, you could just release it, the thing you've already recorded. I could. I could. Okay, then do that. Do that.

I just don't think it's there yet. I just don't think it's fully realized yet. It's there. It's realized. It is. Well, it's almost been 20 years. Yeah, it's realized. I know. It's that thing. It's that thing that I have that I constantly think about. I think it's fine. I think you're good to just release it. This is like that Dr. Dre album that he's been working on. Yeah, the one about the planets. He did that shit about planets too, bro. You go Universal. So Ricky G asks...

Ricky G asks, who came up with, well, you brought the spaghetti. We told you not to bring the spaghetti. What the fuck is Ricky G talking about? I don't know what that means. Ricky G, what the fuck are you talking about? Actually, I'm going to say, what's his name, Ricky G? Ricky G. I'm going to say Ricky G came up with that. No, that's literally Ricky Gervais, and we want to say, what's up, dude? Ricky Gervais.

That's cool he came to the show and asked that weird question. What is that from? Is that from extras? Is that from the office? I have no clue. So Daniel R. asks, who is someone that y'all would want to work with?

Who would you guys want to work with? Each other. That's it. No one else. Fuck them. Oh, that's sweet. Wesley Snipes, mostly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be a cool one. That's easy. That's easy. You could say that. That'd be a cool one. Yeah. I want to kick it with Blade. I would like to work with Goldberg from Mighty Ducks. Okay. And I think that's possible. Because then he became a meth addict. Yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah, he did. And then now he's sober again. And I think that'd be a cool come up story. Sure. Yeah.

And the story's going to be like how him and me get off meth together. Wait, are you on meth? Yeah, it's my way. You know how Chris Pratt did a movie and he got all buff? This will be my excuse to get really skinny. Okay, okay. That's cool. Way, way skinny. I think I want to work with Christian Slater. Okay. Alright. Alright.

Perfect. I don't know. I just think so. Is there a reason? I just thought he looked cool back in the day. I think I'd like to work with him at some point in my career. Okay, cool. I get the opportunity to work with a lot of people, so maybe I will work with Christian. I bet you will. I would love to do a combo project with Woody Allen and Mel Gibson. Okay. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Just like get those guys in a room and see what happens, you know? You're a fucking disaster, my guy. You know, just to see what, you know, you know, you know. Just to see. So Savino and Marisa, they ask, Adam and Durs, can you please recreate Sweet 16? I love y'all. That's what she says. Sweet 16 was, I don't know if we could really recreate it, but essentially. Did I yell at you as my daughter? Yeah. Yeah.

No, remember you were like, it's my birthday, I want that purse. I'm wearing a wig and I'm a little girl and it's my sweet 16. I go, dad, if I don't get that purse, I'm just going to... No, you say you're going to piss on the bed. I'm going to piss on the bed. And then I'm sure I say something like, well, honey, then I guess you're going to have to go piss on your bed. And then it cuts to me going...

And I'm pissing on a bed. That was our comedy. And the Comedy Central execs saw that and they were like, we gotta give these guys a show. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm still gonna send it. So Julia would like to know,

Adam Devine. How was it going from Workaholics to Pitch Perfect? Okay. And I was like, dude, it's pretty tight butthole. Please don't stop the music. Okay.

Check me out. It's getting late. I'm making my way over to my favorite place. I gotta get my body moving, take the sweat away. A simple melody. Wow. We're doing live. Please don't stop the music. Oh! Yo, Durz. Fucking rhythm section for that. We're getting good at that. Yeah, I mean, you know, when you stand up and dance, I can't help but just... Dude.

That was fucking awesome. It was. I mean, doing Pitch Perfect was super fun because, you know, on Workaholics, we had to do everything. So it was like a lot of us thinking. And on that show, on Pitch Perfect, I didn't have to do anything. Please just stop your thinking. I just shook my dick around and made a movie. So Katarina Roll says...

The people want points. If you were an American Gladiator, what would your name be? You say American Gladiator? If you were an American Gladiator, what would your name be? I already live by it. It's Blazer. Blazer's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, how about...

Big earthquake. Yes. Oh, a big earthquake. Wow, yeah, a big earthquake. Big earthquake. Why not, like, Richter scale? First name Rick. Yeah, Richter scale. Richter scale. Richter scale. No, I think mine's fine. I think big earthquake hits the right place. Yeah, that really just...

This flies off the tongue. I mean, that's like a seven-year-old came up with, I had a thinking big earthquake. Yeah, dude. I know, it made me laugh in my head, so I said it out loud, hoping others would laugh. Dude, fucking you, I'm changing mine to terrible accident. Yeah, that's good too. Mine is too fat for spandex. See, these are good. It's a mouthful. These are good. Ders? Mine is probably going to be phlegm.

Thor's brother weirdo. It's science. So this person's name is Adam. Brushing your teeth or wiping your butt? You have to give up one. Which one? Fucking why, bitches? Well, I know exactly what I would do. Which one is why? I know exactly what I would do. I would give up wiping my ass because I can get into a shower and spread my ass cheeks.

I can't get into a shower and fucking brush my molars. Okay? Okay. So that's mine. Okay, here's what I would do. I would say brushing. Why are you so pissed? But go ahead, Adam. There's going to be times when you cannot get into a shower. Okay? There will be times. And that is going to be a horrible event. A horrible time. But, bro, your mouth. What?

You would give up brushing your teeth? Here's what I would do. I would, but then I would always carry a gang of mouthwash on me. There you go. Okay. Mouthwash is smart. I didn't think about that. I like that life hack way better than yours. He was always just near a shower ready to spread his asshole apart. Yeah, having thought about this for a little bit longer, I think I went the wrong way. Yeah.

Kyle, Kyle, I'm with you. I feel like if you get on the right schedule, you're near a shower when you need to be. That's what I was going to say, but they're saying there's going to be times. Hey, you have too many San Antonio tamales. Yeah. Say you're at a funeral in San Antonio and you had some tamales and you fucking got to take a dookie and there's... I mean, Durz is right. I'm very scheduled. I guess you could jump in the river. The river walk. That's what it's there for.

Yeah, they got pools everywhere. Fountains are everywhere. You're right. You're right. Actually, Adam, I'm with Kyle. I'm going to shit and never wipe my ass ever again. It's also kind of like funnier. Yeah, it is funnier. It's like, look, there's Blake who never wipes his ass and everyone goes, really? But if someone never brushes their teeth, you're like, really? Blake runs how he actually runs. Yeah. He runs like this. This is how Blake actually runs, which makes me believe you never wipe your ass. It is interesting. Because this is how Blake runs.

But that's because that's how he keeps his pants up, dude. That's because he's from the Bay. Yeah, because he's doing too much dookie, dog. And I would love to run, but I'm wearing cowboy boots, and I literally don't know how to run in these motherfuckers. And I tucked them into my jeans, so am I like the biggest Texas kook in the world or what? Yeah. So Ryan Ray asks, hola, amigos. Congrats, Adam, on becoming a father. What is the thing you look forward to the most? Punking my child and making him believe he had a dead older brother. Yeah!

Yes, sir. And guys, what has been the most rewarding experience of fatherhood? And if you don't say punk in your child's, you're a bitch, dude. It's the pranks. It's all the pranks you pull. Yeah, all the punks. It's really fun. Dude, I had a really rewarding experience the other day when we went down to visit you. And my son was like, my son's into drawing. And my son was like, teach me something cool. And Adam was there. And he fucking pulled out the cool S from the 70s. The Stussy S.

That's the Stusias? I don't know if it was from the 70s. I think that's 90s, bro. What is the Stusias? I know it has a Stusias, too. I did do some research, and it's not a Stusias. That is a Mandela thing. What the hell? It's not a Stusias at all. It's a Mandela effect. That line, line, line, line, line, line, connect, connect, top, top, bottom, is not from Stusias at all. I know. I was doing, well, as the elder of the crew, I

I was definitely doing that before Stussy existed, for sure. It's from the 70s. It's called a cool S. Wait, so wait. Did your son draw that and then you fucking rolled this story out for him? No, no, no, no, sorry. Stussy put it on a shirt, though. So he told a boring story because his son drew a cool S after I showed him how to draw the cool S. The next day, though, he did it all by himself, and I was so fucking proud. I love that. So fucking proud of my kid. Yes, puss! We...

We used to do that for like, if you drew like a superhero character with braids or whatever, you would just do that for like the braid of the hair. Oh, that's kind of sick. Because it can keep going forever, dude. Did you know that? Yeah, try it when you get home. I will say like a rewarding moment, I was saying to the guys earlier, my kids watched Best in Show the other night.

And at the very end of the movie, there's a couple that's in therapy, and they're like, we're glad we got rid of the other dog, and now we've got a new dog. And the therapist looks down at his leg, and the dog is humping his leg. And my kid goes, what's the dog doing? And I go, the dog is trying to have sex with his leg. And my son...

his mind. Dude. And laughed so hard and grabbed a pillow and put it over his face. And I was like, perfect. And then I held it on his face. I knew that was coming. And I said, if he dies now, it's a perfect death. It's funny. And he can go. I think that is what's going to be their most rewarding thing, though, is them laughing at something that you actually find funny. Like the first time that you say 69 and they go...

You're like, you dog. Oh, yeah. You dirt dog. I'm a good dad. You know what? I am a good dad. I am a good dad. What hotel room are we staying in? 420? And they're like, oh, shit. You give a little wink. You know what? Wait a minute. I've done okay, haven't I, honey? I do think I need to chill on the winks to my kids about things that are funny. I'm like, and they're like, don't do that. What are you doing? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, guys, any take-backs, any apologies, any epic slams? You know, the school shooter stuff.

Are you doubling down on that or are you taking that back? No, what I was going to say is if we could just circle back. Are we doing take backs and circle backs? Yeah, you can. Take backs, apologies, and circle backs. I just want to do one circle back to apologize. Okay, that's big of you. I want to take back my Jerry Seinfeld impression. You guys made me do it.

Made you do it. It was definitely out of nowhere. No, I did something and then you're like, oh, fucking put the spotlight. And I'm like, I don't want to. So is it a take back or is it an epic slam on us making you do it? Yes, epic slam to you guys for me fucking not being good at that. What? How do you epic slam us for that? But I want to double down on everybody watching me jerk off as a young kid. Nice. Good. I would like to double down on me fucking the couch.

Into oblivion, dude. And now you see a little taste of what it's like in my bedroom. And I guess for like a Spotify or YouTube recommendation, go ahead and listen to that Speed Racer house remix on your way home tonight. And guys and girls on date night, I'm not saying it's going to get you there, but...

But it's going to get you close. Okay. It'll get you somewhere. Okay. Probably not there, though. It's going to get you... You might not get you there, but it's going to get you somewhere. Actually, I'm going to go. Actually, I'm going to jump out of your moving car.

Kyle? Kyle? Maybe I'll do like a seasonal summation. Okay, I like this. And just say in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm very thankful to be up here doing this with you guys. I'm thankful for that too. That's so nice. That's really nice. Yeah, this is the first show back from Thanksgiving. It's going to air in five years. It's okay. I'm very thankful for everyone that showed up tonight. That's fucking sick. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I ate turkey on Thanksgiving. I'm sorry. Adam says it's going to come out. Oh! You ate turkey? Wow! And I will apologize for eating turkey on Thanksgiving. Arugawa? Yeah, and...

Shout out to everybody. We're seeing your little Spotify, like, retweets to us. Man, thanks for listening to the fucking pod. Thank you guys for following. It's so fucking epic. It says that our audience has grown by 30% this year. That's pretty fucking big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of big one percenters out there. And the fact that anyone listens to our podcast that much...

Well, first of all, get a life. But it does. It means a lot to us. And thank you guys for listening. We really appreciate you guys. And thank you, San Antonio. We got some takeaways right here. Let me get a couple of those. Thank you so much, San Antonio. You guys. This has been a blast. Thank you for coming out.

Thank you so much. This is another episode of This is Important.

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