How?
We'll be right back.
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Hey guys, we here at This Is Important love Philadelphia Cream Cheese! It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it. What? I know, I'm crazy. Yeah, dude, it's hella good. You gotta try it. With so many unique recipes...
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- Oh, if I was face down, mom pooping on my back, that's all right. - Let's bring back Buck Cherry. Jesus Christ, what are we doing as a society? Grandpa, are those those dog fighting guys with the ex-president's wife? - Oh, what, everybody's judging me now 'cause I have blood in my jizz? Fuck you. - Buckle up. - Bro, what happened with that kick? - Very bad kick. - Oh, dude. - Very bad kick. - Yeah. - First kick I ever seen. - Very bad kick. - Should we try that again? Should we do that one more time?
I'm going to be real with you guys. Everybody super quiet. Let's see if you can do it. Blake, can you not kick? Did we just find that out? No, I used to hacky sack all the time, dude. Oh, shit. I can do it. Check it out. There we go. Oh. You want to hack a little bit? That was really bad, dog. Hey, we can do this. We can do this. Do you guys care if we just hack and sack for a little bit? No, they'd be disappointed if we hacky sacked a buzz ball for an hour, I think. Good.
I will say, I think this show might go off the fucking rail. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. The crew here at the Paramount are fucking awesome. And then we buzzed off with them backstage. That's true. And then they also have a lot
Oh my God! Thank you, God! And if you've tasted that poison, you know that it could really go off the rails tonight. Yeah, normally I have the Tequila Rita. That's the Espresso Martini. Ooh, that sounds delectable. Is this the first venue that's served buzz balls in our honor? Yeah, I think so. I think so. I think so.
Well, we'll see. I mean, thank you, guys. Thank you. We'll see how the show goes. We will see. I'm a little confused. I'm a little confused, to be honest. Why? Because we're at the Paramount Theater, but part of me is like, Paramount Plus? Yeah, fuck Paramount. Paramount Theater? Hey, but this is the Paramount Theater. It's a totally different thing. Let's hear it for the Paramount Theater. Give it up for the Paramount Theater. Great theater. Thank you.
And then that's very much not here for Paramount+. Yeah. Fuck Paramount+. Fuck Paramount+.
And for those of you that are in the audience that are just here on a date or your dad brought you, that has been happening a lot. It's a teenager who's like, I didn't ever really watch you guys, but my dad's a big fan. He's a designated driver at 16. And then the dad is like our age and we're like, oh, fuck, we're old now, dude. We're like officially old dudes. The kid's like, you raised me. And we're like, you're doing great. Well done. All things considered...
He has like eyeball tattoos and he's like, actually I watched every episode since I was six. Yeah, we know. Every time you blink it says tight butthole. That's a decision and I encourage it. And he's like, actually my dick says keep it sleazy.
And my asshole says, and I'm out. Hey, young man. Hey, young man. Say less. Yo, that's a good tattoo to put above your asshole. And I'm out. And I'm out. Yeah. And I'm out. Latro. Yeah. And I'm out. Peace. I like that. Let's get it tonight. Let's do it live on stage. Bring out the tattoo artist. Should we do it? Bring out the tattoo artist. All right. Ready to rock.
Let's go. Oh, damn. Dude, Kyle gets in that position one so easily and so frequently. Can you put your legs behind your head? It's a stretch. It's a good stretch. Can you put one or both legs behind your head and why? It's science. There's no way I could do that, but I'll try for you. Let's see. Should we play? Hold up. Wow. Pretty good. Hold up.
Now go for the other one. Hold up. That was not cool. Hold up. You all right? Kyle, the other... A little Thanksgiving turkey? Where were we that you did the breakdancing? It was wild. We did that just the other day in Texas. Where were we? Sugar Land. We were in Sugar Land. Yeah, Houston, Texas. This guy fucking breakdanced. I did. And I'm not going to ask him to do it again. Thank you. But look at his body. Show your haunches to the crowd, please. Check out the injuries. Dude, look at these...
Oh, dude. No, look how bruised he is. You see what happens when you breakdance as a 39-year-old man? Goodbye. Hey, guess what? Guess what? It's on one side. It's also on the fucking other side, bro. Bro. Those hips do not lie. Yeah, you turned your muffin tops into brand muffins. Holy shit. Yes, points. Okay, I'll give myself some points on that. Yes, points. Before we give points...
Well, he already gave points. What do you mean by bran muffins? How is that a joke? I'm saying that the color of his... Why didn't you say blueberry muffins? Right, or you cooked them. Hey, Durst, that's a better joke, but you still get points for doing a joke. Just because you have a better one in the chamber, you've got to come with the jokes a little quicker if you want to get points. Are we on stage yet? Yeah.
We're currently here. Oh, shit, we are. Oh, fuck. We're here. We're here. Blueberry is obviously better, though. I want to figure this out, because Blueberry is obviously better than Bran. Yeah. So give him points as well. Okay, fine. Yes, points! I hate that you guys are bullying me into points now. Well, just shut up for a second. Well, I don't have a dog in the fight. I'm the one. Oh, so you believe in dog fighting? I'm...
Wow, Michael Vick over here. Oh my God, putting words in my mouth. No, I'm just, I'm on the bottom. Now that we're on the topic, like I don't want to see dogs die for sure. I don't want to see that. But dog fighting, like just as like a one-time thing to go to. Like a whoops, like where are we even going? Like it's like one crazy night. You have the one wild friend who has like an eye patch and he takes you to a dog fighting ring and you're like,
You might... Who? Dude, that shit would probably be... I might throw out a few dollars and be like, fucking, the big one. If you had to see dogfighting, like, who's the person that, like, the headline of who you were with would, like, bury the dogfighter? Method Man. Okay. Yeah.
Method Man. If you're with Method Man, he takes you to a dog fighting ring. You just go like, oh, fuck, I don't know. I was going to say DJ Khaled. I don't know why that came in my mind. No, DJ Khaled doesn't go to dogs. No. Because it's another one. Yeah. It'd be like, is there a... Are we done? The one dog dies, he's like, and another one. The people want...
points for Kyle. Yes, points. Don't be stingy with the points tonight. Not here at the Paramount. I'm willing to take votes. Let's just be a democracy. I like this. I want to go with Michelle Obama. Okay. Yes, points. Wait, that's who you want to dog fight with? Yeah. Haven't you seen the video where they put the... I'm going to finish my thoughts. I don't know what in the Long Island has gotten into you tonight.
No, it's not that. It's buzz balls, obviously. That's true. Haven't you seen the video where she dunked on somebody at the White House and was like, oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. I got a feeling when the first dog dies, she'll be like, oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
And I'll be like, I guess it's not that bad. Dude, in dog fighting, maybe I take this back because I don't want to see dogs die. I thought they just fought until one dog was the winner. I think if that were the case... Yeah, no, for sure. No, Adam, they're like, all right, dog. You won, dog. Right. I feel like one dog is fully pinned down. It's like... Yeah. Yeah.
They get like cauliflower ear, you know? They're pinned against the mat. Right. Yeah, no, they like rip each other's throats out and then one dies. Or they both die. I take it back. I don't want to go there. Okay. Redemption. I don't even care if Method Man's taken me. Yeah, exactly. I don't even care if Leonard... With that being said, a pretty crazy night. Yeah. Yeah, it was a wild one. Rockweiler. Rockweiler. That's right. Method Man, Breadman. Right. Right.
It's a ghost full circle. Points? Is Wu-Tang Clan from Long Island? Is that right? Staten Island. Staten Island. I got my islands fucked up. Okay. Okay. We didn't do our research. We went on Wikipedia for about 90 seconds, and then we did buzz balls. Everybody relax. Yeah. You see what I'm wearing? Come on now. Yeah, give it up. Little De La. I know what time it is. I did not know what that shirt was for the longest time, and I was like... You're from Omaha? That's fine. Yeah.
I mean, I didn't read it. I just thought you were making bold color choices. I'm like, okay, Ders. These are my friends from summer camp. Yeah, that is probably one of the loudest shirts I've seen Anders wear. I like to wear Hawaiian every once in a while. I like that. The lineup of Long Islanders is pretty freaking sick. Long Islanders or Long Ireland... This is Long Islanders. Okay. Why are...
Yes, boys!
Long Island iced tea. I know. What's up with Long Island iced teas? That's obviously from here, right? Yeah. I would think so. You would think so. I would like to meet that fucking drunk-ass bartender. He's right there. I got an idea. I love that. We'll just mix it all together. And then it was actually fucking delicious. What is it? I don't remember what a Long Island iced tea is. Dude, a ton of alcohol. It's just blah, blah, blah. Mixed together. A little bit of Monica. I don't know.
I don't know what it is. It's like a suicide for alcoholics. Someone knows. Someone for sure knows. And I want that person to come to the stage and tell us. Okay, here we go. What's in a Long Island iced tea? Here we go. What is in it? You tell me. It's iced tea! What the fuck? There's no iced tea in it. I'm almost positive there's no iced tea. There's fucking iced tea in that shit? Shut up! Naked grandma! Naked grandma! Shut up!
Adam, go. Adam. They've already booed him. And a bunch of booze and whiskey. Adam, that was like... That guy buzzed off a little too hard. That was like if we went like, what's in a white Russian? And somebody was like, Russian! Right. Right.
And white. I actually feel dumber than when we started the question. I don't think we've learned anything about this. We didn't learn anything from that at all. Yeah, get him out of here. Security was like, hey bitch, you don't know what's in a fucking long-legged machine? You're lucky I don't fucking check yourself. This is the flashlight and my microphone at the same time, by the way.
That's the work I'm doing. I really like how you're holding it. You're a fucking idiot. You don't know what's in a Long Island iced tea. By the way, neither do we. Yeah. And by the way, after the show, that security guard's going to be like, hey, funny show, don't you ever fucking do that again? And we're like, yeah. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt. I'm peeing, I'm peeing. I think that's what's the beauty of a Long Island iced tea is like the drink is brown, so you can mix whatever the fuck you want. It's going to be. I like how he said it too. He hit the Long Island hard.
That's the beauty of the Long Island iced tea. You want to hear what the official recipe... Blake, are you good? I mean, just... Yeah. Let's hit it with this. You want to hear the official recipe on... Oh, please. This has got to be the dumbest website ever. Liquor.com. Yeah.
Seems like a pretty good grab. It's a three-fourths vodka, three-fourths white rum, three-fourths silver tequila, three-fourths ounce of gin, three-fourths ounce of triple sec, three-fourths ounce of simple syrup, three-fourths ounce of lemon juice freshly squeezed, cola to top, and a lemon wedge. And it didn't say drop an iced tea, brother. Yeah.
By the way, he started... You are so dumb. He started so confidently. He was like, we all know Sartre's an iced tea. Y'all gotta start with the base of... Hey, at least he didn't say Long Island was in it. Do you guys want one? Is it possible for us to get... Can we get three Long Island iced teas? Isaac, get off your fucking phone right now!
Hey, I'll take a virgin one. Give me a virgin. Long Island iced teas, Isaac. Kyle wants a virgin that'll be like... I want a virgin Long Island iced tea, bro. Make that shit for me. Make that shit for me. That's going to be three-fourths, a little bit of soda water, and then Coca-Cola and a lemon. That sounds fucking wild. I like it. Put iced tea in mine. Just give me iced tea.
Dude, this is the farthest I've been out in Long Island. I don't know if I've ever been in Long Island. It's fucking cool. The drive out here was beautiful. I was like, these are some nice-ass neighborhoods. Yeah, Adam slept the whole drive. I popped up and was like, that's a nice house.
Adam was looking at Google Maps while laying down. No, dude, I'm re-watching The Wire for the sixth time. Okay. Go off. Go off. What happens this time? Method Man was in it. I think that's why he was top of mind. He's a cool drug dealer, and he actually dogfights in The Wire and made me go like, yeah, I'd kick it with Method Man one night. Oh, so that happened in The Wire? In The Wire, yeah. Oh, yeah, okay, yeah. Dope. Dope.
That's a sweet synopsis. Do you want to know who some famous Long Islanders are? Yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah. Who made it out the island? To start it off, it was somebody who performed here, I guess. Billy Joel. Heard of him. Yeah. There's a cool circle on the ground up here where he performed. Yeah. Where is it? Right back there. I hear we're going to get circles. Oh, shit. There is. That's what I hear. It says...
Oh, yeah. It's like metal and shit. Dude, it says Billy Joel played on this spot October 16, 2013. That's right. Yeah, he did. Okay. And then it says a lie. They're going to get little...
Like, buttholes for us? We were like, what is that? Is that a gunshot wound? So the next time whoever's playing here, they're like, is that a butthole? Adam, there's still time for you to go right here and whip your dick out, and we'll say Adam Devine whipped his dick out right here. There's still time. A lot of time. There's a lot of time for that. We do have time for that. Circle back, maybe? Yeah, we might circle back to that one. Good call, though, dude.
Yeah, that's cool. I do like how... I do like that, like, the brass at the Paramount are, like, somewhere up there just like, what the fuck did he just say? Yeah.
I thought these guys were cool, but now I realize they're way cool. Yeah, exactly. I like to think they're like, how do we get the buttholes on the plaques? They're already Googling how to get butthole memorabilia. Well, second to Billy Joel is, of course, Rosie O'Donnell. Of course. Hey, now we're talking. Whoa, not a huge uproar for Rosie O'Donnell. Give it up for Rosie! Thank you.
So, Rosie threw out the Koosh balls, right? Yeah, she was Koosh ball. And you're not going to fucking cheer for Koosh balls? Dude, she's straight up... Dude. She's Betty in the live-action Flintstones. Come on, show some respect. This is true. This is true.
Also in a league of their own. Show some respect. She's in a league of their own, man. Show some respect. Motherfucking Rosie O'Donnell. She's in, is it Sleepless in Seattle? I don't know. She's in one of those movies. I think she was the friend in that. She's a friend in most movies? Yes, she was a friend in a lot of movies in the 90s. That's the career I want. Okay. Okay. Isaac. Show your tits.
Yes, sir, that's poison. And we need a virgin one later. I'm waiting for my soda. Oh, yeah, no, I taste... I don't care. I taste the three-fourths ounces of rum. Why did I think they had Everclear in them? I don't know, but this is tasty. Yeah, it tastes like poison, for sure.
I do like that we throw out buzz balls all the time and we're like, they're really bad. They're poison. And you guys are like, our fucking national drink is poison. Yeah. Our hometown drink is just a bucket of booze. I like that. It's like, it tastes like what...
Have you ever done like a mat? I have before. It's disgusting. We have to tell people what a mat shot is. So a mat shot is the bar when they're like mixing the drinks on that little mat and shit spills all over. And then, you know, they sometimes, if you're cool enough, they'll pour that mat into a shot. If you're poor enough. Yeah.
Please. And that's what this tastes like to me. Well, yeah, because it's probably the same shit. Yeah, delicious. For a second, I think they were booing because a Matt shot is like their state appetizer. Yeah. I'm still going to send it. I think they have a name for that as well. I feel like Long Island might have a name for everything. Yeah.
It's called a turnpike? A Jersey turnpike? It's called a Jersey turnpike. What, that's what the Matt shot is? Yeah. Oh, nice. Cool. All right. I thought a Matt shot was this guy I know, Matt, who he can really shoot shots. Really? This is delicious. I will say Long Island is the, just the name of it is the most Long Island name.
I don't disagree. They just gave up on naming. A lot of islands have really cool, pretty names, and they're like, it's fucking long. I don't know. I know. It is. It's a long fucking island. We're done naming islands.
It's a long island. What more do you fucking want from us? You think the bosses left the mapping session. They were like, can you guys just finish it? I got kids. I gotta go. What about this one's pretty big. The long one? I'm going to figure it out. I'm going home. I don't want to confuse him. When he gets here tomorrow, he's going to be pissed off. Long island. That's so fucking stupid. I don't know. It's easy. It's simple. It's to the point.
Who's up next on the fucking, wow, it's actually surprising and fucking, I'm about to geek the hell out. Mariah Carey? Whoa. Wait a minute. I didn't know that. What are you doing? A real quick test? Hey, do you guys want to know when white people peaked? Yes. Because I know when it was. My guess is 1995. No, no, no, no, no. I feel like that was a really good year for white people. And it was not January 6th.
White people... It wasn't that. Close third, seventh, 69th. Uh...
White people peaked when Jerry O'Connell was the boy toy in the Mariah Carey video. Okay, yeah. I remember that. I was like, look at us go! Yeah. Yeah. Wait. I don't remember that even a little bit. Because, like, Mekhi Pfeiffer had Brandi and Monica all to himself in the video, and I'm like, sure. Mm-hmm. You got Tyson Beckford in videos, and I'm like, we've got to get one. Jerry O'Connell in the movie theater with Mariah Carey. I don't... What movie is this? No.
No, it's not a movie. It's a music video. It's a Moriah music video. I think it's the butterfly. Do you even know your white history? I don't. What video is it? What's the song? Do you remember the song? Wow, you're not invited to the meetings anymore. You just got disinvited to the clogging session. Oh, shit. No curling for you. My mom wanted me to clog as a child. I've told you guys this before. Clogging is wooden shoe dancing? That's where you wear wooden shoes and dance.
And my mom was like, this is how he's going to find friends. Because it's very German and you're from a German area. Not really. What do you mean? Pretty Irish where I'm from. Can I tell you something? I know it's German because they offered German at your high school. They did? Sure. They're not going to do that in Los Angeles.
Yeah, but I'm not German. I know. I'm not talking about you. I'm saying the area of Iowa and Nebraska. Very Germanic. They offered that at our school, too. I don't remember it being predominantly German. You had German? Yes. Do you even know how German it is? I took French. En français? Oui, oui.
Who cares? Thank you. You guys are just north of Solvang, right? Wait, but I do have a question. Sorry, he's yelling at me. Is this the best Christmas song ever? Yes. Aside from Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, that's the only one. Thank you, Kyle. Yeah, that's the one that I think might beat this. Dude, this one just puts you in a mood, you know?
You're at Macy's. It plays 30 times while you're there. Dude, imagine if this started playing as soon as you got into the dog fighting ring. Yeah. Imagine you're with Method Man. You're like with Michelle Obama. She's like, come this way. Come this way. Look. Look, that doggy's dead. Yes. And that one's dead and that one's dead. And DJ Khaled is here and Method Man is here and Adam Devine is here. Oh my God. This is the best night of my life.
Well-known dog fighting enthusiast Adam Devine.
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wrong and yes you could find a ton of recipes on the philadelphia website visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home last year was a weird year for me i was on a float in the macy's day parade dude dude it was wild it was dope dude it was super weird and because you're just like
waving at people. Yeah. And half the time you could tell they don't even like know who the fuck I am. They're just excited that a float's coming past and they're just like, yeah!
Yes! And the best was like, you see a dad who's about 35, like holding his two young children, and the mom is the one that's been excited to be there. And you could tell he's just dead inside. He's like, why the fuck am I here? And then he looks up and sees me, and literally on maybe ten occasions on the two and a half mile parade route, a guy would be like,
Tight butthole. Hey, buddy. You know. I thought you were about to say on ten occasions a dad dropped his child and went...
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I'm a dad. I remember in my youth. Meanwhile, I'm in there in a teal scarf there for Bumper in Berlin. Meanwhile, I'm on a float shaking my hips and dancing. It was fun, dude. That was cool to see you up there. Did you do three parades last year?
No, two parades. I did... It was that one. The Macy's Day Parade. And then I was the King of Bacchus. Which is a huge parade in Mardi Gras. And I was the king of that shit, which was fucking wild. This was this year or last... This was this calendar year, right? Yeah, Bacchus was. Yeah, but what fiscal year was it?
Right. Are you in the red? I don't even know what that word means, dog. Which quarter was this again? Q1, Q2? It is cool. The Bacchus thing, because I didn't really know that much about Mardi Gras. Remember we met that, or I met that old jazz singer in the Portland airport. This guy was talking to me and he's like, man, you might be an actor, but I'm a big deal too.
I got six albums, man. And I'm like, all right, you fucking old bozo. You don't have shit. I'm the big deal at this airport bar. Jesus. And then... But then...
Then I was like, have you ever played Jazz Fest? And he's like, I used to, and then I had a misunderstanding with the promoter. I'm like, this guy's an asshole. And then I was like, oh, I did Mardi Gras this year. He's like, oh, you went? And I was like, no, I was the king of Bacchus. And then all of a sudden he stopped being a dickhead and immediately was like...
Oh, hell, Bacchus. Oh, really? It was like a real recognized reel. I was like, oh, shit. And then I listened to his albums. The guy fucking rips, dude. Dude, he does. I'm here for you. Robert Moore, check him out. Robert Moore, six studio albums. Does anyone here know Robert Moore? Anybody heard Robert Moore before? No one's ever heard of this guy. This guy was a ghost. Yeah, it's unclear if this guy actually existed at the Portland Airport. This was the ghost of Christmas past visiting you. Ooh. Absolutely.
Are you gonna fucking... We don't know. Is that real, babe? Is that real? Is that real? Is that real? Hold up. So this is the first. We're excited to be here. This is the first of four New York area shows. It is. It is. Thank you, East Coast. Yeah, baby. Here it is. I don't plan on making it to the rest, though. Oh, blue eyes.
Before the show, we were doing soundcheck and I just kept saying, you dark! And for me, that's a lot of fun. That was fun for you. Yeah. I love being on the... I'm feeling like extra gully out here in New York, dude. Really? Now, why are you feeling extra? Yeah, why? I don't know. I just get on the... And for those of us that don't know what the fuck you're talking about, what does that mean? Yeah. I'm just saying like... Are you cold? I'm just a California kid when it comes to like...
Coming over to the East Coast, I'm kind of a little ho. I'm kind of a bitch, dude. Yeah, we know. We know. You're a bitch back home. Yeah, yeah. Like, I've never been on the subway ever, and I've been here several times. What do you mean? You've never taken the subway places? Let's take the subway tomorrow, dude. Let's go hit it. No, fuck it. Let's do it tonight. Dude, let's take the train home. Yeah. Yeah.
Can you take the train home? I think we're kidding. We can take the train home. MTA. MTA. What's Ders doing right now? I got an officially licensed MTA shoe. That's sick. Oh, my God. So I think I can ride for free. Oh, shit. New York!
Yeah, but I don't know. As soon as I got out here, I'm like, I got to start scheming, like make money out here. I think you just need to get a subway pass. You immediately just start doing like three-card Monty and shit. For real. It's like hustling on the streets. It looks like he is doing like hide the queen kind of shit. Everything based on New York for you is from like coming to America. I'm going to start working at a fast food place. Dude, I'm telling you, like dowels. Okay, so...
At our hotel, like, there's a little basket where they got, like... He has his own money! Go ahead. Go ahead. There's a little basket where they have, like, free headphones, and straight up, if y'all want some...
No, no, no. I'm selling this shit for $15 a pop after the show. Come find me, okay? This dude has prop comedy. Let me see one of those. What's going down? You stole these? So this is your whole hustle plan is you stole these from the hotel we're at? Yeah, if you are doing the meet and greet, I'll sell that shit to you for $15. $15.
15 bucks? What do you have? You have four of them? So you're going to make 60 bucks? Is this from the gym at the hotel? Yeah, man. I got another one too. How many do you have? Five? So you're going to make 75 bucks tonight. They have security cameras. These suck, dude. No, this is Apple. This is Apple. Look at him flick the fucking bag, bro. That's Snapple.
He's like, you got that apple, I got that snaffle. It's sweet. It's made from the best stuff on earth. Here you go. You want a free sample? Hey. Also, homie. Tell him. Tell him I got the good good. Also, homie, nothing plugs in like this anymore. I know. Try to plug this into your phone. Okay. Yeah, this is obsolete. This is some shit my dad would do for like a day being like...
It doesn't fit. It's good for cleaning your ears out. Does anyone else put ear pods in all day long and now your fucking ear wax is crazy? Do you say that? I don't find that. My ear wax, is the spotlight on? Yeah, put the spotlight on. Are you guys seeing anything come out of this? Oh, dude, I saw something drop. That's actually fucking yuck, dude. It's bloated. Sorry, Paramount. I am foul.
You're filthy. That was straight up confetti coming out of your ears, homie. Yeah. I'm like, if you have a party, call me up. As soon as it hits midnight, I'm like, I got it. What's going on there, Ryan? It's a birthday party. I got it. Hang on. A little confetti. Dude, he's gully, bro. So what does gully mean? Because I know I'm a Midwestern outsider who doesn't know what it is. He's just a German kid from Nebraska. Not German. Yeah.
I don't know. I mean, it's because the Germans are good. They are in the high school. Well, that's the bumper in your... Bumper in Berlin. I don't know. I was just thought like gully, grimy, like, you know, we're in the streets. We're getting money. That's it. We're just gully. We drove here. I mean, these people are fucking rich. You saw some of these fucking houses we drove past.
These guys aren't grimy in the streets. Long Island is a mixed bag, right? It's like a weird socioeconomic experiment on an island. Yeah. Big, big. Long Island. Dude, there's so many people that live here. I didn't realize. I looked it up because I'm trying to find some stats to talk about. Right. Nice. And then I stopped at this one stat.
There's 8 million people that live on this fucking island. Oh, what? That's a ton. And you know what they call it? You'll like this. It'll actually give you a moment to do something very special for them. They call it Strong Island. Okay. Please don't stop the music! Oh, shit. You gotta get your thing. You gotta flex right up there.
Look at him warm it up. Yeah, damn. Yeah, this guy shook his head. He's like, wow, there he goes. I just want to say, there's a guy right here in the front with sunglasses on that might not be real. I feel like the dude next to him brought him so that he wouldn't have to sit next to anybody else. He's into it. What's he shaking his head about? He thinks he's bigger? I think he just had the hiccups.
You got the hiccups, buddy? I will say there's a 0% chance that any man under 5'7 and 3 quarters. Yeah!
And that 200 pounds has bigger arms than me. Dude, you're on... This is longer than I want. If they're under 5'8", and also around the 200 pound mark, because if they're 5'8", and they're 360, they're going to have some big ass arms. Also, it doesn't have to be a dude. It could be a female. Oh.
Do we got a buff-ass female in the building? Dude, it could be, but they're juicing. Is anybody in here super mega buff and wants to show? See, I don't want anyone to claim the spot because this is all I have at this point. Adam, I feel like you kind of nailed it on the head. I don't see anybody here. Yeah, no one's really sprouting out. It exists. There is no contenders. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Hey, by the way, is it weird that when the show starts, you're not allowed to buy alcohol? Like these bars close? That is a trip. Wouldn't it be crazy if we opened it right now for 60 seconds? Let's go! We'll do it live! Bar lights on, bar lights on, 60 seconds, go. We'll do it live! Is that even a thing? That's real? It doesn't seem like they're doing that. Okay, so we asked for that. They said no. God damn it. And if we do that, there's for sure the owners aren't going to allow to have little tiny butthole...
emblems on the ground. We need to preserve our reputation in order to get to the brass buttholes. I appreciate what Ders did, and it sucks that he can't make it happen. It would be really cool if that happened to Oprah as well. She's like, and under your seat you have a new car, new car! And then they're like, no, they don't. And they're like, actually... You get a buzz ball!
Yeah. Or what if we were like, one person here, Oprah's under your seat. And then she was like, hello! Pizza, pizza. Oprah, where have you been? It is kind of weird that she was, is the word ubiquitous? She was everywhere. And then now I'm like, what happened to her? I don't know. Oprah.
Rosie came for her top spot. She threw all those kush balls. She knew that she couldn't compete. Oprah had like her own network though, right? Her what? Her own network. Her what? What? She had what? Her own, own network. Holy fuck. Holy fuck.
Yes, please. I got to come down. Yeah, he got you. Dude, I've just seen the wall in the hallway upstairs. So many fucking bands have played here, dude. It's pretty radical. This place has only been open like 10, 12 years, something like that. I think...
Those guys have been managing it 10, 12 years. Oh, is that right? I don't know. I asked them how long they've been open. They said 2011. Billy Joel back here is 2013, so that was near the beginning. That is right. Kind of makes sense. Buck Cherry has performed here. Remember Buck Cherry? I love the cocaine. The cocaine.
That falsetto is everything to me right now. Where do you go from I love the cocaine? Like, if that's your hit, and then you're like, fuck. Then didn't he also have, you crazy bitch, you fuck so good I'm on top of it, and I'll give you all night.
Yes, and you want to know their... I'm sorry I asked. And you said I don't know about white culture, motherfucker. I know Buck Cherry, homie. Limp Bizkit is on the wall upstairs. That's all I'm saying. Yeah.
So, dude, my dad picked me up from high school. My dad went through a midlife crisis and bought all kinds of subwoofers and speakers for his truck. Dude, I gotta do that. I gotta get my system straight. He opened up all of his truck doors of his Ford F-150 and just blasted. He was picking me up from high school. I'm a freshman. I'm also on crutches. So I'm like crutching out from high school. And my dad is just blasting, I love the cocaine, I
I love the cocaine. And my dad's like, this stereo rips. I like that. You're about to get ripped out of your car and frisked. I thought you were going to say he was bumping Limp Bizty. He was like, this is actually a George Michael song.
They did cover that. Now I like it. You know what the... So Crazy Bitch is the number one song by Buck Jerry. According to Apple Music? Yeah, Apple Music, of course. But the second song is Sorry. What's Sorry? I don't know. It's just probably like their apology for being so mean to everybody. Yeah, they're like, I'm so sorry about...
Well, I know that they're sober now. He had to be. Oh, really? The guy weighed like 85 pounds and just screamed about cocaine. Yeah, he's going to find the end of that road. He had to be sober or else he would not be performing on this day. So that's his kind of song called Sorry. I like to think it's a cool ballad where it's just like, I'm so sorry about the bitch thing.
and the cocaine. I respect women. I respect women. The guy who sings I love the cocaine is sober now. Of course you are. Yes, 100%. Dude, you have to be. I got a song. I love the cocaine. I love the cocaine. Hey, man, maybe not. You can't love the cocaine for 20 years straight. No, you can have like a window of 10. You can love the cocaine for three to five years. Three to five. Okay.
And then you really got to sober up, buddy. They definitely did because the songs... You can like the cocaine. I like the cocaine. See, that would have been a different... That would have been a different... He's like, I enjoy the cocaine on New Year's. Right.
On really special occasions And we check it for fentanyl When my mom and dad have our kids I do some cocaine For one night only Not a lot I still have to go to bed Only one bump Only one bump We're starting a lawn mowing service We're starting a lawn mowing service
I work at Hertz now. I'm saving money. I'm a small business man. The song isn't a hit. The song isn't a hit. And then what's the pussy one where it's like she rides it or whatever? I'm like...
I feel like that was off mic to Adam. He's like, what's the pussy one? What was the pussy one? I feel like we've done a lot of I love the cocaine riffing and now I'd like to riff just for a little bit on the pussy one that you said. Which one's the pussy one? It's not the pussy one. That's the Long Island talking, baby. Oh my God.
That one is, you crazy bitch, well, you fuck so good I'm on top of it. Hey, wait, run. I'm leaving you all night. Yeah. No, no.
Dude, and you know you dance like this. You know he fucking was like... Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, yeah. I do remember the guy is... The guy makes you feel a type of way. Yeah, all of a sudden, we're just in a coyote ugly, and it's just like... Oh, my God. It was weird that my dad, who, like, he worked for the railroad for 35 years. He wasn't doing cocaine. He was like, they get drug tests all the fucking time. Well, sure. Good.
Goodbye. Yeah. It was weirdly the song he chose to pick me up from high school. And he's like, this song rips on my new speakers. I'm like, Dad, there's literally no bass in this song. Yeah. Right. You have to play some fucking Ludacris to hear that bass pump, baby. Also, I do love the teachers seeing your dad pick you up and be like, yeah, that checks out. Yeah. Yeah.
There goes the whole Divine Clan. German, did you know they're German? There we go. That shit's important. Um, the other song, so it... What's sorry? What is I'm sorry? So it was Crazy Bitch, Weirdly Sorry is number two. Will you play... We gotta hear a little bit of sorry. Okay, let's hear... Unless you have an agenda. No, no, no, let's hear sorry. Do you have more fucking headphones to pull out? You've gotta be quiet. Okay. A lot of build up.
Okay, yeah. I started a small business with the money I saved from cocaine. Yeah, that was... I don't know why that's number two.
Dude, well, I tell you why it's number two is because all of the meetings he's probably going to all the time now. Right. Fucking thing sucks. He's telling everybody in those meetings, he's like, listen to my new song, I'm sorry. Was it in a movie? It might have been in a movie. Isn't that one of the fucking steps to sobriety? So he was like, I gotta apologize. Yeah, well, I didn't do the steps. Hey, step one. Step two? Let me get another.
So he just decided to make a song and be like, I'm going to blanket everybody with I'm sorry real quick. So is that true with Sobriety Kyle? Because I went to Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous and Marijuana Anonymous. Okay. I was caught with a bowl of weed. That was it. And I was.
A bowl? Yeah, one bowl of weed. And remember, I was with you. And we smoked weed in my car and the cop pulled us over and was like, what the fuck, man? What, did you have like a salad bowl of weed on the console? Yeah, dude. No wonders. It was a real cob salad of marijuana. Yeah.
And we just got done smoking, and so then they were like, you have to go to ten meetings or this is going to be on your permanent record. And I'm like, fuck, so I went to these meetings. And admittedly, I was like, this is kind of, it was a cool, like, I know people were there getting sober, but it was fun for me. I bet. I just want to cry. But I honestly, I've never been to, I've never been to a meeting. Oh, dude, we should go. I mean, now it's kind of fucked up, but I would go and just...
Now it's fucked up. Now it's fucked up. Well, now they would be like, oh, you're getting sober? And I'm like, well, no. No, I'm not getting sober. I would do, like, characters. What? Okay. You would come in disguises? Well, yeah, I had to go to these ten meetings. He's like, am I turtley enough for the turtle club? He came as pistachio. What?
What do you mean? Like you'd be doing characters or you'd be in disguises? No, no disguises. I would like have a like, I'd put on a little persona. And get up there and share a story that was false? Oh yeah, I would lie to my teeth. Wow, man. What's crazy is I feel like you'd be...
If you did this in L.A., you'd be one of four actors doing the exact same thing. It was in L.A., and yeah, I felt that way. You'd be like, yo, Ryan Gosling, are you working on a part? What are we talking about here? Yeah, that's wild. Everyone's undercover. Joaquin Phoenix is here. That's cool. In character. In character. Yeah, he must be doing... In character, oh boy. Okay, wait, you've got to hear the top five of Buck Cherry. You've got to hear it.
You gotta hear the top five. And then we'll be done with Buck Cherry. How did we get to Buck Cherry? I saw them on the wall and I was like, not only do they have Steely Dan and the Eagles and Billy Joel and shit. They have cool bands like Buck Cherry. And Static X. We went through Crazy Bitch, Sorry, which is number two, and we listened to and we're like, eh.
I don't know. Then it's lit up. I love the cocaine. And then in the number four spot, it's say fuck it. He was really going through a real down period right then. That's right when they were like, hey, you should write a song called I'm Sorry. And when he says it, does that have anything to do with the other song we're talking about? Well, that's the other member of his band was named It. Say fuck it.
Yeah. Play a little lit for me. What? Lit up? Say fuck. You want to hear lit up? You know it. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, you just click on it? I did. Oh, yeah, pump this one up, baby. I think it has bass. I think you'll be surprised. I think it fucking rips on these speakers. Is this what you guys thought you were getting tonight? Yeah.
DJ Uncle Blazer. Oh, yeah, because I'm all lit up on the couch again by myself. Please just get to the hook. I don't know how to get there. I'm on a train. It's like always this far into the song. Oh, they really take us on a ride, dude. I can't get there. Because that song is like, I'm all lit up again on the couch by myself. Is that song where he says, I'm by myself? No, it's about jacking off really hard. Oh, I'm all lit up.
I'm all lit up on the couch. I love the stroke mane. I love the stroke mane. If you really peel back the layers of that song, it's not about cocaine at all. It's about jerking off alone on the couch. Well, it's about jerking off on cocaine, which is notoriously very hard. Yes, it is. Very soft. It's complex. A little bit of both. Hey, Adam, guess what? Yes, points! Woo! Say less. Woo!
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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. What did you mean? What did you mean when you said that? What? What did you mean when you said that? What?
That it's very hard to beat off on the cocaine. I thought when you do cocaine, I've only done it once on New Year's. Oh, you mean, I thought you were like beating off like on cocaine. But you meant like beating off on cocaine. Dude, that's gully. That's why I was like, line it up. Like literally people call my jizz fentanyl, bro.
Because I'd just be putting it on all of it. Because it's deadly? No, because it's kind of in all cocaine. Because he's cutting cocaine with it, yeah. No, I think it's really hard. I think it's hard to get your dick hard on cocaine. It's like there's whiskey dick and there's coke dick. I think those are both types of dicks. What's harder? Whiskey dick.
cocaine dick or Long Island iced tea dick. Which is like three-fourths ounce whiskey dick. Viagra dick is the hardest for sure. Is that what somebody said? Thank you, doctor. Yes, he is. He actually is a doctor. He's up front. You got it, buddy. If you're up front in our shows, you're a doctor. Yeah. You might be a doctor. All the Dr. Bros arcs. The fifth...
most listened to song is called Porno Star. I just want to let you know that. And we can put this to bed. But that is the saga. Crazy bitch. Sorry. Lit up. Say fuck it. Porno Star. All I'm saying is they're
That's why when people try to say the 60s or the 70s or even the 80s were the best generation of music, you're wrong. It was the early 2000s. We had Buck Cherry. We had Puddle of Mud. No need to even continue, really. That was our Rolling Stones and Beatles right there. Puddle of Mud and Buck Cherry. And System of a Down. And Everclear. So
System of a Buck Puddle. When angels deserve to die. Will you start a cover band called System of a Buck Puddle? Yeah, I will. A cover band called what? System of a... System of a Buck Puddle. System of a Buck Puddle. I like that. Isaac, is it possible to get a beer or a Long Island iced tea out here? Or both! Or both! All right, let's see if Isaac will show us a couple things. We got a two-hour drive home. Uh-oh. P-P-P-P-P-Posada!
Isaac, come out here with your shirt off. Isaac, why are you still wearing a shirt? He just mouthed to me and said it's too cold like he does in every other show. Everyone applaud if you would like to see Isaac's nipples right now. Let's go. Whoa. That person's serious. Oh, my God. Run it back, run it back, run it back, run it back.
Oh my God. That was epic. Honestly, Isaac has done that once before in Oakland. So that's... Dude, this is a really, really big deal. Yeah, this show is basically an NFT. Okay? Okay.
Lots of value. His nipples are bored apes. Anyone rolling on that? Anybody roll on that? I'm rolling, man. Nipple FT. Nipple fungible tokens. Nipple FT. Should I give him points for that? No, we can beat that. I don't give a shit if I have points or not. Do you remember when NFTs were...
going to be a thing and everyone tried to convince everybody that they were going to be a thing? I think that was the point of NFTs is like you're like, dude, it's cool. I swear to God. Imagine how stoked are you if you're the guy that drew that dumb little ape and put like a sailor hat on him and then Justin Bieber was like, I'll pay one and a half million dollars for that. Right. And you're like, okay, great. I feel like all they had to do was just find better marketers to explain it more clearly. What? No. What? Really? Really?
You are so dumb. I mean, they're worth like six bucks now. I know they're worth six bucks now because no one in this room can explain them. You just have to say blockchain is a blockchain. I'm just going to go over to this guy and he's going to be like, you start with iced tea. Exactly. That's the base, right?
I think that when they figure out how to explain it, it'll be back. But what do you mean? Like, explain it to me in a way that... I can't! If I could, I would! I would make millions! I feel like I wouldn't be here. I'd be out there watching you guys telling jokes for money. How pathetic and sad.
I'd be like with the fucking goggles on, like not even watching the show, just in the cyberverse. So you think those $6 NFTs now could end up being back to $2.5 million in another, what, five, ten years? I don't think that'll ever happen. No. No. It was a way to make money up out of nowhere. That's all they did. They just made up money. Your children, that's going to be their money.
Okay. The six bucks? Currency, as you know, will cease to exist. Oh, my God. Okay. You're going to be buying groceries and little ape coins. Okay. Dude, I just wish the metaverse was cooler. Everybody's like, it's all going to be on the metaverse in the future, and we're all just going to put on these little goggles, and it's going to be way cool. And then you go in there, and you're like, this place fucking sucks, dude. But think about it this way. I don't even want to go. Think about it this way.
I mean, bornhub.com is kind of cool. Yeah, it's okay. It's fine. It's okay. Hit it. I'm looking for it currently. What I'm saying is like, I don't really game, but like kids my kid's age do, and every parent is like, I don't even give my kid real money anymore. I give him like cyber money to go buy shit in the
a place that doesn't exist. So all those kids growing up with that as their thing are going to grow up and be like, that thing's worth money to me. I get it. Your boobs are huge. Dang. What fucking dorks? I guess we're the last cool-ass generation. Yeah, let's go smoke some cigarettes, huh? Yeah.
Let's go chain-smoke cigs, man. So in 20 years, that shit's going to come back. When the kids get up to run Wall Street and stuff, they're going to be like, hey, that old fucking ape with the hat on, let's bring it back. I had this, so when my kids played soccer and one of the moms was like, I told him if he scores a goal, I'd give him $10 or $100 in like skins money or something. Or like Robux or whatever. And then he scored like two or three goals and I was like, okay, let's...
Let's keep that going. Oh, yeah. So, as skins money, you still have to spend $100, though. But it's like, it's... I don't know how to explain that. You have to buy it, don't you? Do you have to buy Robux? Yeah. Like, if you're in a game, you have to purchase... Yeah, we're so old, this sucks. And vinyl sounds the best, because it's little grooves. And the worst part is, is the dude with his hand up the whole time is the fucking Ice-T bro, dude. Put your hand down. Hang on, I...
I got to hear what this guy, this guy's acting like this is a classroom right now. Like what the fuck? Yes, sir. From right there. What? What? What do you want? We're going to instantly regret this. This checks out. This checks out. He has all of our portraits tattooed. That has nothing to do with what we were talking about. Yeah, but just so you know. No love. It's dope.
Here, well, we have to see it. Is there a way you could come up here? The security guard's like, this guy? This guy is out of here. By the way, if anybody here wants to murder us, just say you've got a tattoo of us on your leg, and our egos will be like, oh my God, we have to see it. We have to see it.
Yeah, Durze is standing for God's sake. He's getting on stage? He's getting on stage? Dude, just pretend like you're getting out of a pool. We have to see this. It's like getting out of a pool. I hope everybody gets to see this shit. I hope the tattoo is unbelievably bad. I hope they're so bad, dude. Hey, Adam, I'm going to call this right now. Adam, I'm like, that's the cast of Lord of the Rings. Hey, I guarantee this guy does not have me. Yeah. Oh, no, he's got you down the shed. Oh, he does? Wait. Okay.
Okay, yeah, you can do that. All right, bro. Oh, my God. What the? He has full-on shorts. Oh, shit. Look at Adam right... Oh, shit. Whoa. Oh, fuck, bro. Oh, my God. Look at yours. Whoa. Wow, dude. Wait, can I see me real quick? Hey.
Wow! You're on there too! It's fucking crazy! I'm right there, that's epic! You don't have that? Wow, this is great! Get out of here, dude! No, Kyle! You gotta go! Kyle, you're on his gooch, dude! Oh, I'm up there! Oh, I'm up there! Wait, where's Kyle? Let me see Kyle. I'm right here, that's me. It's very wet. I'll say it's all very wet down here. Yeah, damn. By the way, show the camera. Turn around, bud. Here, turn around, brother.
That's a Long Island iced tea right there, Ralph. Okay, all right. Thank you for coming, brother. Let's hear it for this psycho. Benny, Benny. Vinny, Vinny. Hey, give it up for Vinny. Give it up for Vinny. Vinny, thank you, Vinny.
Dude, unreal. Good shit, brother. Unreal. Dude, that guy rocks. Worth it. Yeah, no, I was actually pleasantly surprised. Yeah, those were real tattoos. Blake has a donor. I wonder, like, how bummed was he? I mean, he might have been more disappointed that the Workaholics movie didn't happen than we were. Here we go. He was like, finally, these tattoos are going to make sense again. I know what you're doing here. You want some points?
Yes, points! Vinny got points. And now I'm like heartbroken that he said iced tea. That's okay, man. But you're good. You're good to me. Yeah, you're cool with us. I love you too, man. You're a great guy. That's wild, dude. Because what's crazy is I'm going to die and still be alive on your leg. On his thigh, yeah. Tonight. I'm going to die on the subway. That's what the prophecy told me.
I kind of hope now that our careers don't go anywhere. Just for the sake of that tattoo. Just for the sake of that tattoo. So his grandkids are like, what is that again, Grandpa? They're like, Grandpa. It was a show from 2011 to 2017. Dude, you could have got a fucking NFT, you dumb bastard. Grandpa, are those those dog fighting guys with the ex-president's wife?
What the hell? I mean, by the way, you think that's crazy, but then people in the 70s who were like, you know who I really love? O.J. Simpson. And then cut to a little bit later, and he's a black hero. Okay, so what do we have? Some headlines? Well, he was in Make a Gun. What's cool about this guy is my boy Vinny, who rocks, I wonder if I rolled up to Vinny just in the street, I wonder if he was like,
I wonder if you would even recognize this because that's happened multiple times where I was just at the Win Marie Young Festival and this person was wearing the Blink-182 t-shirt that she's wearing, yeah, that they're wearing with our faces on it. So this is official Blink-182 merch that they released and it has our faces on it and then it says, like, I miss the old Blink-182. And I saw this guy with that shirt on at the festival and I ran up to him and I'm like, sick shirt, man, and he goes, thanks. Yeah.
And I go, let's go. I really like that guy. And he goes, yeah, I actually like the other one. I like the one with the hair. Okay. Yeah. Name is Blake. He's my best friend. I love you. I love you. And who are you? Dude. And I had to be like, oh, dude, that's that's me. And he goes, oh, shit. I didn't expect you to be here.
To be fair, you caught him off guard. But the level of excitement was nothing. He was like, I didn't expect you to be here. As if he was about to swing on me, dude. He's like, you kind of popped out of fucking nowhere, you little bitch. I get where he's coming from. It'd be like if I ran into one of you guys at the grocery store, I'd be like,
Dude, if I ran into Rosie O'Donnell, I would fight her. Okay. If you're wearing a Rosie O'Donnell t-shirt, though. Right. Then I'm cool. I showed you some Huntington hot topics. Okay. Let's do it. Oh!
Okay. Dude, so Jamie Spears, who I thought this was Jamie Lynn Spears, and I was like really bummed about this. Will you explain it to everyone? Because I didn't get it either. So Britney Spears used to be a pop star, and now she's a crazy woman who dances alone with knives. Oh, she's like a TikToker, an IG star now. Yeah, now she's an Instagram star, but she used to be like a really famous pop star. Right. If you don't remember her. Now she's toxic. Her...
sister was Jamie Lynn Spears who was just like this girl who was on like the Disney channel and shit. And her dad is also named Jamie Spears. It's all very confusing. So Jamie Spears' leg was amputated the other day. And by the way, the mom's name is Lynn. Oh really? Is what I just heard backstage. Jesus. But so sorry. So sorry. But Britney's older, right?
Is Britney older than Jamie Lynn? So they were like, Britney, and then it's like, you get my namesake and you get both of our namesakes. Yeah, they're some swamp people for sure. What the fuck is that about? That's wackadoodle. They're true swamp people, but poor Jamie Spears. I guess not poor him. Was he the one? Jamie Spears was the dad. His leg was amputated after an infection. That sucks. He was the conservator. No, dude.
What? That's what happened. When you try to chain Britney up, you're going to lose a limb, bitch. Yep. Hey, and you know what? Thank you. Hey. Okay. Wow. And just to piggyback on what Blake is saying, you know, and now she's just dancing with knives. That's fine. Un... Yeah. No, that's...
You can dance with knives. That's not against the law. That's it. She's not dancing around her kids with knives. It's not about the law. It's about her safety. It's about her well-being. All I'm saying, Blake, is if you were having a hard time and suddenly you just started to post Instagram videos of you shirtless with giant butcher knives going. It could happen. In boy shorts. It could happen. In boy shorts. Yes. I'm conservatoring your ass.
Uh, everybody starts somewhere. You're like not like juggling fire like day one. I'm putting your dad in charge of your money. Yeah, you're gonna have a conservator if that happens. Well, then I hope my dad loses a fucking leg. Fuck that guy. No. No, dad. And I know you listen to all the podcasts and I love you, dude. No.
Yeah, so sucks for Jamie Spears. Poor guy. That being said, maybe fuck him, but also, you know, I don't wish anyone to not have a leg. Honestly, that is such a bummer until Halloween. Rocks the peg leg. Kind of fun. But other than that, other than that, it's a bummer. Honestly, there's ways to work a no leg. It's a cool situation. He'll figure it out. He'll figure it out. The peg leg is definitely
The pickling is so fire. That would be cool. Captain Hook is a legend. Yes, he is. And his new name's going to be Jamie Lean Spears. Okay. Yes, points. Yes, points. Yes, points. Yes. That's nice, dude. Love it. That's nice. I don't know.
Right.
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So, Blake, I'm going to have to ask you to explain this. Sure. Riz. Yeah? Yeah.
It is the Oxford University Press Word of the Year this year. Riz. What are we doing? Riz. I don't know what that means. I do not know what Riz means. So please explain. I have a little definition here, but I want Blake to explain to me. Because Blake's are... He's the one that stays plugged in. Because we're all... I mean, Ders is nearing 50. Yes! And...
And I just turned 40, and these guys are going to turn 40 in a matter of months. And I barely leave the house. Blake's been known to hang out near the middle school saying...
What's the cool phrase now, kids? Let's go. He's always holding a skateboard outside of middle school. He's on Fortnite like, hey, dude. Remember when he tried to hacky sack a buzz ball at the beginning of the show? That seems so long ago. It does. There's no way kids even hacky sack, right? No.
Even if we were standing around with somebody's keys, we would do that. Yes. We were always kicking things. Now they live in a virtual world. Fungible. God damn. Let's bring back Bug Cherry. Jesus Christ. What are we doing as a society? Riz, go. I'm hitting with you again? No, no, no. What is Riz? Riz, go. Riz is like your game, like the way you approach a partner, right? That's like your...
You know what Riz is short for, right? Charisma. There you go. Short for charisma. Oxford University Press word of the year. More than 32,000 voters back to Riz. Dude, I for sure thought it was like a new way to say jizz. And I'm like, why is everyone just saying jizz a lot?
He's got mad riz. I'm like, how do you know that, dude? It's actually when you have blood in your jizz. It's red jizz. Riz. Holy fuck. Come on, man. Oh, what? Everybody's judging me now because I have blood in my jizz? Fuck.
Actually, a little bit. Oh, sorry. Maybe I had a little too many lung-analyzed teeth. Dude, you've got to be careful. You're going to get an infection and your dick's going to get amputated. Rude off with your jizz so rad. Before it gets amputated, I guarantee it's the biggest it's ever been.
Dude, then you know what you get, a peg dick. Okay, so the definition of Riz is style, charm, or attractiveness. The ability to attract a romantic or sexual partner. Did they not put the word charisma in there? Yeah, it says short for charisma. Okay, great. That's how they started. Let's go one by one and show your best Riz to the audience. Riz? Show your best Riz. Hey.
Let's go. How are you? Put the hat on. I'm balding. Negative amount of Riz right there. Honestly, I wasn't mad at that. Go ahead. You weren't mad at what I did? Thank you. You guys want my Riz? There's a hell of ants out there. Oh shit, Mindy Project. My Riz is from right here.
Good. Goodbye. A lot of pointing, staring off in the distance. Acting aloof. Now, I feel like Ders is a little bit of a... He likes to throw the negs out there. I don't have the riz, I have the muh. The muh? Yeah. What's that? Like charisma. Like a lot of people have riz. I'm like over here with the muh. Right. This dude finishes the work. Look at this muh. Hit us with your riz. Oh, I just go like... I just go... Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Actually kind of scary. Yeah. Kind of scary. I would like to go in a mosh pit with you, please. And is this what you do outside of the middle schools? I would like to go in the mosh pit with you, please. Will you marry me? That's his pickup line. I want to be with you for the rest of my life.
I love this. Yeah, I have caveman where you just club the person and drag them by the hair. That's your Riz? Okay. This one's mine. Okay. I see that for you. Yeah, it's a little dated. Do you know it's 2024? Yeah, I need to switch it up. Mine is much like Durz's where it's silent, but it's creepy. So you're here, and then you got to just, you always have to have a little something on your lip that you got to get off. You got to go.
That's cum. You get the riz off the lip, and then you're always looking down, and then you gotta look up, and something's in your eyes. Dude. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. You always have to walk backwards. There's no doubt in my mind. Watch out, brother. Don't fall. Don't fall. To be fair, you walk backwards.
I'm not going to lie. Honestly? Adam has hella riz. Yeah. Adam... Because Adam sends us riz videos of guys all day long. I do. Have you guys seen the video of this guy with, like, the white goatee, and he has, like, super blue eyes, and he just looks at you like he can take the whole cock in his mouth? I love it. I send these videos to this guy all the time. It's just like...
It's just a guy, he's always in his truck and he's like, hey, how you doing? To music. And his eyes are like white. And I feel like he could suck the shit out of me. I find that shit so funny. Is he straight or is he not? I have no idea what that means. Because I don't know what I am now. Yeah, I'm confused as well. But it is weird that now for decades that's been, because that was like the new kids on the block thing where they're always like,
Right, right. Joey McIntyre. They're always like, whatever it is, it's like, I can't. They're a little bashful, but they're still confident. Yeah, a little confident vulnerability. They're like, stop. And then five seconds later, they're like, boom. Hank Tuff. And you're like, no, I'm good. I'm going to go. I'm not going to Hank Tuff. I'm going to go. Hit me with it, Blake. Oh, yeah, of course.
Dude, so this is actually really sad news. Okay. New York! Oh, I thought that was one of you singing. I'm like, you guys are great singers. We're getting good. I thought that was you for a second. I was like, my God, man. Can we hear it? Kyle, go for it. Let's hear it. New York! Wait, hold on. Hold on. Play it, play it. Wait, I got another one. You want me to try and hit that? Yeah. New York!
No way, man. I had the Riz going and then you fucked me up, bro. Play the other New York. You want the real, real? New York! I had it. That's not bad. That's good. Jesus Christ. Hey, guys, stop coming out there. There's too much Riz in the audience. So bad news, everybody. Bad news. Nicholas Cage...
Ready to quit movies. No. He says he's ready to pack it up on film and pivot to television. Oh, okay. Same thing. What are we talking about? I feel like they don't even make any movies anymore. And now it's just TV. He was like, I don't want to be in Transformers. All the movies are Transformers. He's done over the past five years, he's done fucking 15 or 20 movies, I think. Who cares?
He's good. But like, yeah, like, I mean, isn't TV kind of where it's at? That's like, I don't know. That's like... What's the difference? I don't want to go to drug dealers anymore. Oh, whoa, I didn't know that. Yeah, I just want to go buy weed at stores. Yeah, me too. Yeah, that makes sense. That's where we're going. Well, you know, I love Nick Cage and I hope I can see him more on my screen, wherever that screen may be, movie or television. That's right.
Hit me with it, Blake. You got it. Suzanne Summers. You guys remember Suzanne Summers. This is Step by Step. Yeah, Step by Step. Three's Company. And Step by Step. Hang on. Suzanne Summers. Are we more Three's Company, Suzanne Summers? Or are we more Step by Step? Shout out, Cody.
Suzanne Somers. Oh, I thought that was going to fucking go up. It was way more. Actually, both were pretty mid. Are we thigh master Suzanne Somers? Let's fucking go.
She's dead. I don't know if you guys knew that. What? No, I didn't know that. She died. Which RIP to her. She's a die master. Suzanne Somers' husband reveals why she was laid to rest wearing Timberland boots. Oh, shit. Dude, is Suzanne Somers like the fucking coolest chick of all time? I think she was outdoorsy.
Because she's gully, bro. She's gully. Yeah, Suzanne never really had boots designed for hiking on the rocks. So I ordered, which is weird, she never had them. So in death, he ordered her Timberland boots. Yeah. Oh. And then he said, I made my gift personal by drawing on them in a few words that represented our life to some degree and made them very personal to Suzanne. Well, why didn't you cry about it? Is she part of the Sutan clan? No.
I'm going to stop. Negative points. I'm going to go. I like that. I'm going to go take a shit. I thought you were about to say she had a dude who used to blaze her while she was only in Timberland boots or something. Her husband was like, so just...
Just to honor her, before I married her, there was a guy who used to, I beg your pardon, blaze my wife in only Timberland boots. I'm going to write his name on these boots. What shoes would you guys want to be buried in if you could have a choice? What shoes would I be buried in? I mean, it's kind of tight that Suzanne Somers, known for the Thighmaster. So, like, favorite shoes of all time? I feel like...
It depends on when I die. If I die young, just to kind of punk my mom a little bit, it'd be clogs. Okay. Just so she's like, I knew he wanted to dance in his wooden shoes. He's dancing in heaven. What about you, Kyle? I think I'd probably want to be buried in bowling shoes. Okie dokie.
That's hard. When was the last time you went bowling, Kyle? I've been bowling in the last year, but I haven't gone often. That works. I mean, you spent your life in the gutter. Because pickleball, man. You know what I mean? I only got time for one cool thing. So not pickleball shoes. Okay, Blake? There's no... I think I would... There are. Do you remember the Shacknosis where it was like three box? Yeah, of course.
I probably get buried in it. Well, one of those giant red boots that everyone's wearing now. The big red boots? The mischief big red boots. Literally, they're called the big red boots. Are they the Mario boots? I'll go New Balance 585s made in America. What about you? No, they're not Astro Boys because then they get sued. They're called the big red boots. Okay. Okay, Durz. Don't fight on our audience. That's okay, Long Island. Just be strong, Alan. Okay? Wow, dude. What are you getting buried in?
I just said. Oh, I didn't hear it. New Balance 585 is made in the USR. I just said it again, you fuckface. Oh, son of a bitch. I just said it three times. Who cares? Serena Williams says she's been putting breast milk on her face to help treat sunburn. It works. That's what she says. I like how half the audience is like, they can get sunburned.
Okay, because I Google it and then I'm scared to hit search because then they know that I asked and now I know. Thank you, TII. I don't think breast milk is going to help my white-ass skin. I think I'm going to need something a little more. But I'm willing to ask my wife for breast milk on my face every day. Honey, I need it for my sunburns. Yeah, real quick, before I go out. Okay.
Honey, I got a meeting. Hang on. Come here. Honk, honk, honk. Okay, cool. My wife's pregnant. We're good. We're good. I'm super excited. Yes. I don't know why. I think that's going to be cool. I think it's going to be pretty radical. Spoken like someone who has no kids.
It's not about the kids. It's about milk, which I love milk, squirting out of my wife, who I love, squirting out of her tits, which is my favorite part. Yeah. That's your favorite part. That's like a dream. Imagine milk is one of my favorite beverages. Yeah. Okay.
get squirted out of your mouth? This guy grew up on a German farm in Iowa. What if Chloe squirted out fucking Long Island iced tea, bro? Okay, Adam, what if? That's the only way it could get better, dude. Adam, what if? It's just sugar-free Red Bull and vodka, Adam.
One in each. I'm so sorry. I did this. You do this. You do this whole bit. I'm going to step away. Okay, so your wife's... My wife's titties. No, I'm not going to. Not doing this. Oh, dude. Teresa Caputo. You guys know who this woman is? No idea. Devine Connections. At the Paramount December 6th and 7th. So that's just coming up.
So I guess she was who is she I don't know that's tomorrow wait is this like a Long Island psychic type person Yeah, that's cool guys believe in that I believe in her and nobody else the Long Island medium Do you believe in like a medium that could speak to ghosts and shit? Yes
Yes. I don't know. I mean, for sure, no, but also kind of cool, right? I think, I bet you, I bet you As much as I believe that me, maybe me and Method Man are going to have a wild night at a dogfighting ring, I believe in this woman. Yeah, I think, why not? Why not? Why doesn't she have that ability? Is she like, is she Jamaican? Is she from Trinidad? Where's she from? Where? From Long Island. I like how there's one dude super casually going like this.
I see you, buddy. And if you're listening at home, he was wagging his finger at me. Oh, so happy. Let's give it up for Isaac. He showed his nipples, everybody. He did a great job tonight. So wait, is she Haitian? All right. So you guys got some hot cues and we got some hot, hot, hot, hot, hot A's. Kyle, listen and answer. What's your hot A, Kyle? Hot A's. Nicole Manza.
Not real. Not real. Fake name. Yeah, she's not here. She left. What was the very first thing you ever jerked off to? Okay. All right. Dude, this is crude. Come on. You ever jerked off to compared to the most recent thing you jerked off to? Compared to. And then she goes, was it today? Well, compared to, it's gotten more vulgar. Yeah, very, very graphic compared to the first time. Yeah. For sure. I don't think I ever, I don't even know if I hadn't.
of what I was jerking off to the first time. It was just like, if I tug on this thing, cool things happen. Right. Yeah, but what about the first thing that you were jerking off to? Like, not the first time you jerked off. Like, for me, it was kind of like... Milk coming out of my future wife's tits? Yeah. Got it.
I feel like JCPenney's ads got me going. I feel like that was like... JCPenney's ads. I'm close to that. Yeah, I feel like that was like pretty classic. Dude, JCPenney's, they're selling like the, not even lingerie. These are just like old lady underwear.
Yeah, they're like, buy your old lady underwear from these JCPenney's catalogs that my mom would have. And then my cousin ratted me out. My cousin fucking Danny, dude. Danny. I'm eight years old. He's 10 years older than me. So he was 18. I showed him my box. I collected the clippings in a shoe box. That's next level. This bro has no riz, by the way.
Yeah, no Riz. Who, Danny? Yeah, Danny's got no Riz. Yeah, no Riz. And so I showed him my stash. I was like, look at all these hot ladies in very covered. Right. In like nursing bras with like the nipple thing. Yeah, but there's a little cleavage. There's cleavage. There's a lot of cleavage. Yeah. The Playtex bras. And I remember being devastated that he came downstairs. He was like, Adam is collecting JCPenney's ladies. He's like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. Oh!
I just showed you my box, you fucking... Meanwhile, I was dressed as... Who are the kids that they turn all their clothes around? Crisscross? Crisscross. That was the year that Crisscross was popular, so I had a hard time running down the stairs after him because my pants were backwards. Sure. You
You ran upstairs. Yeah. Your boobs are huge. Do you guys remember something called TV Week? Yes, points! I don't. TV Week was like an insert in the Chicago Tribune, but I assumed it was national. Anyway, national. National. It's a bagel. And there would be like a little tiny ad for the Playboy channel, and it was the same ad that came every week, so I didn't have to collect it because it just came, so to speak.
Do not come. And it was this lady who is for sure dead now. I'm gonna come. With the strap of her lingerie just off the shoulder and the little slope of the boob. And I was like... That's all you needed. All you needed, boy. I was like, this...
Is it? This is the end zone. Blake, what you got? You guys haven't done your bookend of now, of what it is now. I don't necessarily want to say what it is now. So Adams is for sure the German, because of where you grew up, the German parties where there's women in stockades and barnyard men coming in to have their way. Oh, boy.
It's his upbringing. It's the German. I still stand by the... Super German. I can't remember the first time I ejaculated. Oh, my God. That's not what the question was. That is crass. But I was saying like... The first thing you jerked off. Can you please say come? Can you say come? I don't want to. That seems crass. Jessica Rabbit was when I first was like... Oh, my God.
And that's why you're into hentai now. Yes, and then later today, yeah, I had hentai all up on my fucking iPad. Later today? Later today, you had it. On the drive back to the city? No, not the drive. I'm going to be on the subway with everybody. Hey. It's a train. It's a train. Just hentai. So Dylan asks, I wipe my ass the same way Adam does. Spread with the left hand, wipe with the right. Adam, is this something that you will teach your child?
You are so dumb. Absolutely, Dylan. And I can't wait to teach my child to be a stand-up wiper. Yeah, but wait. This is like the circumcision discussion. Like, does your wife get a say in this?
Yeah, wait, does your wife get a say in the way your son wipes his ass? I mean, I'm sure she will, but I think she's going to go like, yeah, however you want to teach him to wipe his ass, that's fine. Yeah, I think you expose him to everything. See, I wasn't exposed to the stand-up wiping at all. Well, see, that's how my dad did it. That's how his dad did it. This is a long lineage of divines standing up to wipe their ass. I first learned about it from you, and I'm actually, like, considering taking the leap of...
It's not a leap. I stand up. A lot of people lean. My ass, as Divines, we have big, thick, juicy asses. So you're not able to get all the way around. So what we do is we do a hover. When you guys got to Ellis Island, your last name was Behind. And they were like, we're just going to change that for you. How about Divine? So to answer your question, Dylan, absolutely. Yes, I will.
MJ, which one of the bros would be most likely to be cryogenically... Frozen? I think it says... Frozen. It doesn't say frozen, but it shouldn't. Frozen? Preserved. Oh, dude, I would love to do that shit. I'll do that. I'll do that. You? I'll say Kyle. You? I think Kyle might hop into that shit. What do you mean? I think... Well, we can both do it. Why can't we both be cryogenically preserved? That's fine. I'll say they can only freeze one. Who are we letting them freeze?
Well, they have spoken. How bad do you want it? I kind of want it bad. Yeah, I don't want it that bad, bitch. I think it would be cool. That means you wake up later, right? That's what that means. I only want to be cryogenically frozen if then in like 50 years they have to unthaw me so I can fight crime.
Like Demolition Man? Exactly. This is a Demolition Man scenario where Kyle and Durs are frozen at the same time and then they get unthawed. And Durs. Yeah. So this is a sad one. Austin! Austin!
She says that her father passed away, Sandy. And it'd be nice to give him his flowers. Everybody, give Sandy his flowers. Sandy! What up? Looks like this is a fuck cancer situation. I'm with you, Cassie. Fuck cancer. By the way, Sandy is like one of the strongest male names possible. Oh, yeah. It could be a female. I don't know. She just said her father, didn't she?
Yes. Yeah, you're reading these, right? Okay. Use your comprehension. I think Sandy for a dude is a fucking sick name. Agreed. I agree. Agreed. I think Sandy as a state of being after you're at the beach like three or four hours later, not okay. Not okay.
I think Sandy Duncan is our best Peter Pan. Go ahead. Sorry. So Kate wants to know, would you rather drink Joey Chestnut's pee the day after... Oh, wait. Wait, there's an option? The day after he breaks the asparagus-eating world record, or... Oh, my God. Dude, that's a big one. That's the most Long Island question of all time. Or get pooped on by your mom. Oh, dude. Well, you don't have to look at it. Yeah, my mom can't poop on me. Can she pretend it was an accident? No.
No, dude. You don't have to watch. If I was face down, mom pooping on my back, that's all right. On your back? You're saying face down, ass up, that's the way I like my mom to poo on me? I definitely don't want it on my back because I would feel like I could never wash that off. I want it stomach or chest, eyes closed so that I can scrub for the next six months of my life. You just can't reach back there. Fair. Fair.
Fair enough. Fair. This is the end of the road here, guys. Those are good questions. Any take backs? Any apologies? Any epic giveaways?
I would like to take back taking my hat off and showing my baldness during the Riz. I liked it. You had more Riz by doing that. By having the bald out? By covering the loss of hair? It's not that bald, but it feels bald when I take my hat off. It's just receding. It's just creeping back. We're in a recession over here. My epic giveaways will be these headphones. I'm not going to charge $15. $15?
Here you go. They're not good. They're not good. They're not good. No reason to do it. They're not good. I just want to say thank you guys for showing up. Are we done? Are we done? Okay. You can go, too. This was the first time I've ever been to Long Island. I'll do it next week. So I want to say thank you guys. Not flowers. Not giving you flowers. But really, thank you for showing up. We really appreciate it. Yeah! Bro.
Yeah, baby. Look, yeah. Hey, we have some not-so-epic giveaways. Dude, I want to give it up again for Vinny with the tattoos. Vinny! That's fucking epic. Hey, where is Vinny? Vinny's right there. Hey, Vinny. Vinny, baby. My guy, my guy. And I don't know if you heard me. I said not-so-epic, and I meant it. We have literal T-shirts. Yo, right here, lady.
Boom. Oh, she missed it. I'm going deep. Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep. Thank you guys so much for showing up. We really appreciate it. And this was another episode of This is Important. Thank you, guys. Thank you.
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