Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
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I thought this cat smoked weed. We had to lay this guy down and fuck him. Ripping piss out of their hogs. Straight up, I just pooped my pants, y'all. Buckle up. We're back!
Hey, Jersey. Where's my snare? Yeah. What was that now? I have no snare in my headphones. So before we started, Blake was playing us some new cuts from the soundboard, and I was like, where are you going to use the where's my snare? Where does that come in? And he said, you'll see. Right up top. Where's my snare? Where's my snare?
Now I'm going to use it the whole entire time. Where's my snare? Admittedly, Eminem sounds like when you just hear Eminem's voice and he's not rapping or, you know, doing or in a song. He sounds like a bitch. You know, it's like, where's my snare? Uh-oh. I have no snare in my headphones. He's beefing. I have no snare. I have no snare in my headphones. He's a little diva. He sounds like that to you? You sound...
a little bit more vulnerable than Eminem sounds in that clip. I don't have a snare and I want one. Did Adam do that? I thought that was just the soundboard again. See, that's how good of an impressionist I am. Listen, see, that's Adam. Adam's the one that's like whining. Now listen to him. Where's my snare? Bro, that basically says give me my snare. Okay, now Adam go. Where's my snare? No, Adam go.
That would be a really cool way for a rap song to start. Just a rapper throwing a fit to the sound technician. Just, I supposed to have a snare right there. Turn it up. Why isn't there water in here? Okay, go. First of all, there's no snare. There's no snare in my headphones. And like the cushion on the ear is like kind of chafing. Okay, drop the beat. Bitch, I'm gonna kill you.
All I'm saying is it's still soggy from when Busta was in here. It's still soggy. I need a new little net thing in the front. Just a wet nap. This thing is super funky. It smells. It's stinky. It's foul. Who used this? Where's my snare? It just smells. No, it's fine. It's fine. It just smells a little weird. That's it. It's just a smell. I can't rap with the smell. It's a smell and just a wet nap.
I bet there are outtakes. You know what I mean? Like, it's not on the album, but for sure somebody has been recording when someone's like, does anyone have like a sucrette or like a lozenge of some sort? Yeah, yeah. Can I get a hot tea? Yeah, straight up. I just pooped my pants, y'all. Y'all motherfuckers. Y'all, can I get some Earl Grey in this bitch for real, though? I'm feeling a little scratchy. Local honey. Who let that guy in here?
I'm trying to rap and this man is in here. I have no snare in my headphone. Yeah, can I get some Earl Grey in this bitch? Yeah, somebody get him the tea and get him out of here. I've got hot bars. It's just the janitor right before. That's the rapper. Right. Get him out of here. I'm ready to spit. But then that's how they found Ja Rule. He was just sweeping and he was like, yo, can I get some?
earl gray in this bitch it was jaw rule hunting that's hell we're talking yeah he's like this is great jay the kiss was in here right before this and threw up all over the booth and i had to mop that shit up for days and they're like wait come on what'd you say i said i said mop that shit up whoa okay all right we like that mop that shit up mop that shit up okay all right mop that
I do want to hear like Busta Rhymes just explaining his IBS to somebody who's never heard of it before. It's irritable bowel syndrome. Basically, like I just shit my pants at any moment and it's a real thing. And everyone's like, damn. Jet, jet.
Right. Okay, Busta, we're about to play the beat. Okay, just put your hands where my eyes can see. I can't. I'm holding the dookie in. No, I think you're leaning on the button. Put your hands where my eyes can see because you're hitting something in there. Wait, that's good. Wait, that's good. Okay, give me some mo. Now give me some mo. That's good. That's good. Where's my snare? That's dangerous. Okay, I had a drum set in here and I think somebody moved the snare. Where's my snare? And then Busta's like...
Yo, let me get flip mode in here. And everyone's like, nah, we're good. Just you. Just you, Busta. All flip mode? Yeah, can I get all of flip mode in here? And the producer's like, nah, Busta, just you. Okay, well then pass the Kvasie. It's time to wrap. Wait, that's good. Is anyone else in flip mode?
That's a great question. Because Busta's always calling out Flipmode as if that's a whole crew. Who was in Flipmode? And I know it is. I know it's like all of his homies that he's trying to bring up, and I'm here for that, and I appreciate that. Yeah, the Flipmode squad. Who's in Flipmode squad? I don't know. Was Obi Trice in Flipmode?
Real name, no gimmicks. I want to say he was more of a D12 affiliate, was he? I could completely be off there. Him and Floyd Banks. You could always at least name one other person in another one of those squads. Right. You know what I mean? I think you're thinking of Lloyd Banks from G-Unit. Yeah, who was Floyd? No, no, no, no, no. This is Floyd Banks. He kicks it with Todd Bergeron on the weekends. Where's my snare? They are homies.
Who is Lloyd Banks? Lloyd's brother. Well, to be fair, it's hard to come up in a squad and make a name for yourself. I mean, think of Nelly. What was Nelly's crew called? Oh, St. Lunatics. St. Lunatics. Murphy Lee. He got through. He had the Air Force Ones hit for like, that was the best. Who had half the face to do with the mask? Phantom of the Opera. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. Who was that guy?
That might have been Floyd Banks. Was that Murphy Lee? That might have been Murphy Lee. Murphy Lee had a half face? Really? Somebody did. I think that might have been Floyd. I don't know what Murphy Lee looks like. I refuse to Google. Oh, okay. It'd be cool to go down the crew list and see how many no-limit soldiers can you name off top. Yeah, yeah. That was the joke, though. There were no-limit soldiers. We're all no-limit soldiers.
Hey, Adam, do you know, remember when we were doing, when we were living together and we watched something on SyFy and there was a weird Busta Rhymes SyFy commercial and it was just like him floating in space and he was like, Flipmote is the squad. Watch Science Channel.
Do you remember this? Good cross promotion. I don't. I'm sure we were wildly stoned when we saw that. Well, yes, 100%. It made us want to watch Science Channel, but let's cut to that video right now. My favorite channel, Science Channel. I want to dig that up. Hey, y'all, this is Silk the Shocker, and you are watching HGTV.
Let's give Silk the Shocker some love real quick. Talk about signing somebody who you're like, okay, nobody sounds like this at all. This could either be a fucking tragedy or he could be a game changer. Well, he is Master P's younger brother, I believe. Well, that's the Shocker. That's the big Shocker. That's the, you are not the father. And they were like, hey, get ready for the Shocker. He's his nephew. Oh my God.
I met C-Murderer in prison once. Holy Toledo. That's all. You were in prison? That's it. That's it, and I'm out. Where's my snare? You guys remember my stint in Chino Hills? Flip mode is the squad. Science rules. When I was shooting the Pitch Perfect movies, it was in Baton Rouge, and there's this thing. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Someone asked me, do you want to go to the rodeo? What was that? And I was like,
okay. And so there was like a party bus. We all got on it. I thought it was a rodeo. Oh, the jail, the prison rodeo? Yeah, the prison. Angola State Prison Rodeo. And we go there. So cool. It's awesome and it is cool. It's also absolutely insane because it's a rodeo at the
prison. There's a full-on rodeo at the prison that if you're good behavior, you get to be in the rodeo. Risk your life. Risk your life. They do the craziest shit. It's like the running man. They tape a poker chip to a bull's forehead and
You get to like whoever grabs the poker chip off this bull's forehead like wins a prize or something. And they're all prisoners. Right. And they're also like playing cards and they sit there. And the last one to move wins. There's all kinds of crazy. We're like you just sit there holding cards and the bull circles you guys. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, hell no. What? And they're prisoners. So we were like – Last one to get up wins. We were like –
oh, this is kind of... This is insane. I feel weird for watching this. But also, we were pretty drunk, so we're like, hmm, this is also kind of cool. But afterwards, there was like this art fair that all the prisoners that were on good behavior, they make their art that they made all year, and then they sell them at the art fair. And it was really cool. I got a weird painting. I think Walsh still has it. But...
I'm walking through and I'm like, oh my god, I think that dude is C-Murderer. Somehow in the deep part of the back brain, I was able to remember what C-Murderer looks like. You're like, wait, my true tank dog senses are tingling. We've got a no-limit soldier. And then I saw Lil Boozy and I knew what Lil Boozy looked like and I'm like, oh fuck, that's C-Murderer. And, uh...
he was talking to some girls and I'm just drunkenly interrupt him. Probably the first time he's talked with women for a solid year since the last rodeo. Right. And I was like, I just want to say I'm a fan man. See murder. And he's like, Oh, he's like, okay, cool, man. And he sticks three fingers through the fence. Cause he's through on the other side. He's not out for good behavior.
Like other prisoners are milling around with the people selling their arts. And he sticks his three fingers through the fence, and I just jiggled his fingers. Yeah, sure. I definitely got that visual. And that was how I met C-Murder, man. Good lord. Gave him a three-finger handshake. Can we look up if he's still incarcerated? Is he out? I believe he is. I don't think C-Murder's free. I think he's... I think he was...
There for murder, I believe. Yeah, he lived up to the hype. That was the case that they gave him. But wait, with the whole sitting at the poker table, last man standing wins money, does the money go to you or to your family? Like, I don't know prison system laws. I would assume it goes so you can get some extra ciggies and some orange juices at the concession or whatever. Yeah, you gotta trade. It's a little like Roman fucking...
Yeah. Gladiator style. Yeah. Is the public coming into the jail? Is the public coming into the jail for this? They have a full-on rodeo setup where we come in. They're like...
Roman gladiators, and they come through, and they enter the pit, the mud, the rodeo zone, and then we're all up in the stands. Rodeo. Right. And then there's stands around it, and it's a full-on thing. They do it every year. It's a big event. Yeah, yeah. I saw it on Real Sports, I think. That's where I've seen everything. Yeah, that sounds like a...
strange, awesome, crazy event. I would love to watch something on that. Hey, we just got a little factoid thrown into the chat. Guess how old, without looking, C-Murder is. I just saw it. We all looked. So go ahead and give your best guess then. My best guess, if I had to guess after knowing what it is, would be 49 years old. I was going to say 49, yeah.
If I was going to guess after seeing it, it would have been 49. Yeah, especially after I saw it, I would have guessed 49. Adam the Shocker. Yeah, Silk the Shocker's 40. So yeah, I'd say 49. And Masterpiece, what, 45? This episode's about guessing rappers' ages. The oldest rapper.
Kim Kardashian West advocates for Rapper C Murder's release from prison. Yeah. Producer Anna. Sure. Hell yeah. Judge Kim. Hey, without reading anything about it, same. Yeah. Yeah. I trust her. Yeah. Without having any knowledge of it, the man said, that's cool, when I said good to meet him, and then stuck three fingers through a fence and allowed me to jiggle his fingers. So, yeah, he should be released, without a doubt. It ain't my fault. Yeah.
It ain't my fault. Dude, come on. I kept whispering that. Did I do that? Take a sip? Yeah, so that weird event. That's a trip. Louisiana's a weird place, man. It really is. A real throwback. I truly love that state, but there's some weird shit that happens there. Also, what was really cool about that is because you were there to shoot Pitch Perfect, and I'm like, I'm going...
visit my boy because I like to visit my boys on set. Yeah, you do and I love that for you. Yes, I love that too. I was imagining it to be kind of like, you know, a pitch perfect atmosphere. Maybe everybody's like... Everyone's... Nice dinners. Oh no, it was debaucherous. But it was a tarot down.
It was Louisiana. That was the drunkest I've ever been. It was so bad that at the end of shooting the first movie, my piss was turning colors. It was like a darker, it was like coming out like a brownish, and I'm like, okay. Wow. Yeah, that's not good. I feel that. I'm like, okay, the liver is starting to fail. Time to pump the brakes here. Like in Ghostbusters 2 where she turns on the bathtub and it's just water, but then after a second it's like pink sludge just coming out.
That shit's gnarly. It wasn't so much pink sludge. It was definitely like when you... So not like Ghostbusters 2? It wasn't exactly like Ghostbusters 2. Oh, all right. Then I don't know what you're talking about. It just brings everything back to Ghostbusters 2. It wasn't Gak coming out of his dick. No! Yes.
Yes. Like if you turn on a faucet that hasn't been turned on forever and the water comes out kind of weird color for a minute until the freshwater cycles through. Did that happen in Ghostbusters? It's like, Durs, it's like what the water probably looked like when they did like the first take of that shot. Like,
In Ghostbusters 2. In Ghostbusters 2. Yeah, right. If you could imagine that. Oh, in the deleted scenes. Right. Yes. Yeah, it's from the deleted scenes. Like when they did take one and they turned it on, it was like brown, then water, and then the pink stuff. So that's what Adam's talking about. Thank you. Everything needs to relate back to Ghostbusters 2 for Dersi to understand. Yeah. Yeah.
I will say that a good indicator to me that I've been drinking too much is that my piss will kind of start to smell exactly like cat food. Exactly like cat food. Cat food. Right, right. Or like Oscar's diaper from Ghostbusters 2. Yeah.
Right. See, that makes sense. Right. Okay. Do-do. Do-do. No, it smells like Whiskers cat food, exactly like Whiskers cat food, and that's when I know there's a problem. Did you grow up with cats? I had a stray cat named Jessica that I adopted. You did? Yeah.
Yeah. Can I pull out the deep dive card and make you talk more about your stray cat, Jessica? Yeah, so... You had that? Yeah, so you know how I used to do a paper route every morning when I was a youngster? That was the morning routine. 19 years old. There was this really cute, like, furry brown cat that would roll up every single morning and watch me wrap the papers. And I was like... Watch me wrap. This cat is the nicest cat I've ever met. You were like...
I love this cat. But she had tons of dreadlocks, like tons of dreads in her hair, like straight up Bay Area. Shake them dreads, dude. That's cool. So that cat probably smoked weed. That sounds like a cool cat. Down ass cat. Definitely smoking grapes. But yeah, so I eventually decided one morning to kind of help her out. Well, I started to feed her and then cut the clumps out of her hair and then she kind of just kept hanging around the house. Wait, what?
You were giving a stray cat a haircut? Yeah, dude. She had big old
lumps, like huge dreadlocks in her hair. Like lovely lady lumps? Check her out. Wait, the things that you just said that you liked, you cut out? No, I don't. You just said you liked them. Well, I don't think she was super hyped. She had a beautiful coat once you cleaned her up a little bit. I thought this cat smoked weed. Wait, hold on a minute. What's going on? The coat was so beautiful on the cat. Hang on. You were like, I'm going to bring scissors for tomorrow, and I'm going to give this cat a haircut. How old were you when this was happening, Blake? Um,
Uh, I'm in junior high, so whatever age that would be. That's like somewhere like 12, 13. Yeah, 12, 13, 14. You don't know what age that is? That's what, six? Whatever those things are that go to those schools. Motherfucker, you don't tell time, all right? Yeah, fair enough.
No, I... Dude, well, I'm folding my papers on my porch, so it's not like the scissors are very far away. Yeah, it was definitely part of it. Like, it wasn't like a, I'm bringing my scissors to this alleyway. She's coming to my front porch every morning to be like, yo, you starting to paper route? And I'm like, yeah, what up? Right. And when you have a paper route, you have scissors just to cut the bands off of it. Sure, sure. So it's there. Okay, to Blake's credit, I am now visualizing this completely. I still don't understand why you...
cut them off when you said that that was the best part about this cat. I don't think that animals like having, I don't know, maybe, but it seems like animals don't like having big old clumps of fur. Are you familiar with the Puli or the Commodore dogs? I'm not. Is that how they naturally settle? Natural dreads. Oh. But I guess you're in charge and you would just shave those dogs bare. Hide your dogs. Here comes Blake Anderson. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
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Can I ask you guys a question? Yes, of course. So, as you know, there's a cardinal that keeps shitting all over my car and keeps looking at itself in the rearview mirror and then will hit itself in the mirror and then sit on the ledge of my car and shit all down the front of it. And this has been going on now for a solid two plus months. And I bought a BB gun. It finally has come.
And I'm getting a lot of blowback from people, my neighbors, people on set, other cast members that are like, absolutely do not... Are you firing? What do you mean? He's looking to kill the bird. He's hitting the bird with the... Come on. I'm going to shoot... What do you mean am I firing? I mean, have you been firing? Your neighbors are mad...
No, no, no, no. You're just asking, is this okay? Kyle, you're usually two steps behind. I need you here with us right now. Well, f*** you, Kyle! No, I'm right here. I'm right here, bro. I'm a step ahead. Am I firing the BB gun? Yes, I'm firing the BB gun, obviously. Why else would I have a BB gun? I'm firing you. At the bird, motherfucker. At the bird. At the bird. So, I haven't yet.
But I just got the gun and I'm ready to murder this bird. I'm totally fine with it. Absolutely fuck birds. Okay. And specifically, fuck this cardinal. No, what? This cardinal. You're a madman right now. You have no idea. Every day, I'm going to work sometimes at 4.30 in the morning. You're a fucking piece of shit. And you go out there and you're...
car door, the handle's covered in shit, my rearview mirrors. I can't look in my rearview mirrors because they're plucked out. Get a fucking birdhouse, bro. You're a piece of shit right now. Get a birdhouse and put it somewhere else. I want to see Kyle disassemble. He takes the gun, he disassembles it, and turns it into a birdhouse and says...
This is how you do. This is how you live your life. This is insane. AK-40 birdhouse. The birdhouse has nothing to do it. I've tried to put bird feed. I put bird feed on the other side of the yard thinking the birds will go over there. Poison. Poison bird feed.
No, I got bird feed. I put it on the other side of the yard. I'm ready to feed the birds over there. But he's not interested in bird feed. This guy's a vain motherfucker who just wants to look at his... I folded the mirrors in. He'll get right up in there and still poke at it, making it hard for me to see. Now I'm going to have to probably pay extra the deposit because I'm renting this truck. This bird needs to be murdered. That's my stance. That's where I'm at right now.
What do we feel about it? Please help me make this decision. You know where I'm standing. I'm not into that. I don't think that you should be... I don't think that shitting on your car is grounds for capital punishment. I just don't. I don't believe that that... We're talking about a Midwest man here. Here's what I'll say. The one time that I have killed a bird was in Kyle's backyard, in his mom's backyard. I shot it with a paintball gun, and I immediately felt remorse for killing the bird.
bird. Okay. Yeah, but you guys don't go hunting or do anything like that. Also, here's the most fucked up thing about that, what Blake did in my mom's backyard. My mom is a bird watcher and she had bird houses all over the backyard and had just turned our backyard into a bird sanctuary.
where the birds are like protected. She did that. And Blake grabbed the paintball gun, fucking shot at this bird. Just broke the trust. I didn't think I'd hit it. I didn't think I'd hit it. You fucking got it. The bird fell from the tree. We were like, oh shit, what just happened? Yeah. Well, grabbed a shovel and went over there and picked it up. The little limp body. And smashed it with the shovel a couple of times. Because you have to, you have to.
to deal with it afterwards too you gotta pick up the limp body and throw it over somebody else's fence yeah you feed it to a dog or something are you are you prepared to throw the dead body over somebody else's fence absolutely yeah he doesn't give a fuck that was like a little finch or something we're talking about a cardinal this is a beautiful bird this is a this is a mascot of a team this is a state bird this is you can't kill a cardinal oh why just because it's pretty cardinal rule no that's the cardinal rule cardinal
I mean, Adam, I've wrestled with this shit before. And like, cause I want to kill, I would, I wanted to kill my wife. I wanted to kill all the rabbits. I just wrestle her instead. I wanted to kill all the rabbits that were eating my shit. I was ready to kill them. I for sure would have killed. I remember you telling the stories. I would have murdered those rabbits without a doubt. That's good eating right now. You know what I have right now? I'm, I'm, I'm wrestling with is deer. I got deer that walk into my front yard and they're just eating all my shit.
And I'm fucking heated. Are you out of your mind? That is a gift. Well, I feel like you could shoot them with a BB gun or a pellet gun, and that won't kill them, but they'll be like, oh, we can't come around here. I can't do that. I can't do that. I love Adam's like, you can throw a live chainsaw at him. That always works. I did think about putting a soft tip on an arrow or get a soft tip arrow and shoot him at him just to scare him. Finish him. Come on.
That seems more insane than just getting a little BB gun that's not going to do anything to a giant. Yeah, wait. So maybe I feel like Kyle might be projecting because you're talking about killing a cardinal and he's over here saying he's exploding arrow tipping deer in his front yard. Exploding. I said a soft tip arrow player. What is that? You said small grenade arrow. I'm saying I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it so it doesn't stick in when it hits them. It just thunks off. You're going to die. That's really going to work.
That's really going to work. Kyle. Kyle seemed like, Hey honey, I made this. Check it out. Watch me kill this. I've said, I've been wrestling with this dead. I go hunting with family and friends once a year. My dad, some of his friends, me, some of my friends, we go a pheasant hunting half for 18 years. Now this will, if we're, if we can do it this year, this will be our 18th year going together. And it's awesome. And it's a pheasant hunting and it's birds. So fuck them. And, uh,
But people eat these pheasants. We take them, we clean them, and people eat them. And I'm for that. I'm not just about murdering animals. Like, I'm not taking my BB gun... You're gonna eat the cardinal? I'm all about that, too. Well, hang on a second. Let's rewind a minute. It sounded like you kind of were. I'm not just about taking this BB gun and just going around and shooting any bird out of the sky that I see or any animal that's just in the yard not doing anything. Right. But if this cardinal...
is shitting all over my car every day, dude, and is gonna end up costing me money, so I'm gonna-- - Money! - Money.
So I think I'm going to murder this cardinal. Look, you are allowed to murder the cardinal for money if you eat it. You got to eat the cardinal. You eat the cardinal, you can kill it. And that's the deal. That's the deal. That could be cool. That's what I was going to say. I'll feed it to a dog or something. I'm not going to eat a cardinal. You have to at least eat a wing. They're not large enough to, there's no meat on them. Wait, so what was your argument about pheasants then? What was that? You were like, I do this because we eat it and now you're
I can't do this because it's going to cost me money. What are you talking about? I'm just saying I'm not all about murdering every animal that I see. I'm not a psychopath. I'm not just walking around with a gun trying to kill a small animal. Now you are. Now you're strapped. You are walking around in your backyard with a gun. Where's my snare?
It's in my driveway, and I'm sniping it from my kitchen. I think you can shoot it. You can shoot at rats. I think you can shoot at rats. I think you can shoot at fucking the rats. Cardinals are red flying rats. Yeah, exactly. They're just red flying rats. They're all the same. That's pigeons. No, pigeons are beautiful. They're doves. So it's weird that you guys are making this animal, just because it's pretty, you're making it better than rats. It's a state bird. It's not rodent. Hey, Blake.
Why don't you fly out there, shave it, feed it, and make it your own? Yeah, bring your scissors. Well, why don't you fly about it? So, Ders, where do you stand? Where do you stand on this, Jersey? Here's my take. Here's my take. Uh...
The more I keep thinking of other solutions that have other moving parts, I was going to go, hey, why don't you put one of those little spiky strips on top of the mirror so it doesn't land there? Smart. Yeah, it is smart. It also is way too much time and not as fun as fucking getting a BB gun and just killing this fucking bird. Dude, that's what I'm saying.
And then it's over. It's done with. You can bury it. No! It might not even kill it. It might just tag it and go, you know what? I got to get out of here. What if it looks right back at you and just goes, okay. You're going to hurt the bird. And if you don't hurt the bird, you're going to fucking hurt your fucking truck, dude. I guarantee you're going to shoot at that bird. It's an airsoft gun. Yeah, it's going to cost you so much more money. It's an airsoft gun. Oh, just like those plastic pellets? Yeah, plastic. Okay. Yeah, that ain't going to do shit. Yeah.
It is strong. I mean, admittedly. Might as well hit it with a Nerf gun. Why don't you get a fucking Nerf gun and scare it away? My vote is green light if you eat it. If you don't eat it, you don't get to kill it. Well, he's not going to kill it. That gun can't kill it unless it shoots it in the eyeball and it goes through and out the other eyeball. Well, no, then it's going to be blind. Yeah, and that's even worse. But then it won't be able to land on the car unless it can smell the mirror.
See, this is what I hope. This is what I hope. I hope I tag it. It's not murdered. And it goes back to its friends and it's like, yo, dude, you know how we've been shitting all over that truck for the past two months? We cannot do that anymore. Wait, is it just one or are there others? I think it's just one, but it's only one at a time. So I think it's just one. But if
Well, you need to know because what if there's 10 and you end up killing 10 cardinals? You're going to go to jail. Yeah. Well, then I do. Then I murder 10 cardinals. I'm in South Carolina, dude. They don't give a fuck about killing cardinals down here. They don't care about cardinals. Right. The St. Lunatics are going to care. All right. There you go. This is a very much pro-hunting environment down here. They absolutely don't care. Yeah.
As soon as I were to tell a cop, yo, it's shitting on my truck. He'll go like, absolutely. Yeah, you should definitely kill it. Without a doubt. As soon as you tell a cop, I was like, what is phoning a police? What is a telecop? As soon as I tell a cop, like calling a cop. It's like that cool WB flip shirt, Warner Brothers. That shirt was so sick, dude. If you see a cop, tell a brother. What? Never mind. Warner Brothers. I'll put it on the Instagram. Yeah. Oh.
All righty then. We're cutting to that now. I have no snare in my headphones. We're back. You just saw the thing Blake talked about. I don't give a fuck! It's a famous flip. Well, Adam, you know, I hope if you do shoot, you shoot to kill. And that's what I'll say. Okay. Very good. Thank you. Yeah. I flip. Well, fuck you, Kyle! I do like how he's like, don't shoot it unless you just fucking murder it.
No, I just wanted to hear what that sounded like coming out of my mouth. I don't like it. It didn't feel good. I tried it. I tried to be like one of the big boys. Can't do it. I care too much. You're a big boy. You are a big boy. Don't make that what men are, okay? That's what you said. Me? You said soft-ass California, soft-ass Northern California. We are the real men, men down here. So I'm just going with you. No, I said soft. I didn't say male or female. Look, if it wasn't in Ghostbusters 2, I didn't.
Say it. You said it. Roll the tape back. All right. This is important. I like this.
Hey, okay, alright, guys, there is a thing that I want to talk to you guys about. Please. It's kind of a hot button issue, but I really want your opinions. Are you going to rock the boat right now? Am I rock the boat? No, it's good. Uh-oh, I'm getting a little seasick. Can we guess the topic? Can we guess the topic? Sure, sure, give it a shot. Man overboard. Give it a shot, give it a shot. Give me the Dramamine, I'm feeling a little seasick. We're rocked.
I've got a big fucking boner right now. These are drops. These are the best. These aren't even drops. You're just playing the CD from back in the day.
Hey, what is up with this fucking back burner ass UFO rollout that's going on right now? I'm like truly like I know it's like sort of a hot button issue. But you guys want to see the backpack I got from high school. I found it online. We don't have to talk about the UFO. What's the what's the thing, man? What are you talking about? Yeah. Explain to me what.
What's going on? I hear what you're saying, but are you wondering if it's real? Are you wondering if it's like... No, official government-issued statements are coming out that motherfucking UFOs are very real. Not only real... Yeah, no shit. What does UFO stand for? Unidentified Flying Object. Right. It doesn't stand for fucking...
something from space. They just don't know what it was. But the footage they have, the flight patterns, the things they do. The flight patterns. Are you talking about where it's like up and down and bobbing and it looks like somebody moving a mouse almost. And it's like, how is it? There's like a very specific one that like they released recently where the dude, like it dips under the water. Just the way it moves is unexplainable. And they're like, oh yeah,
We saw this like every day for three months over the Atlantic Ocean. Right. And like people coming out of the woodworks, like official ass people, like this happens a lot. We have no idea what the hell it is.
Well, for sure. I mean, yeah, there's aliens out there. For sure. And if it's not aliens. What are they setting us up for? If it's not aliens and it's like the Russians or China, we should be fucking. Always the Russians. We should just be absolutely terrified that they have this technology that is light years ahead of anything that our regular ass combustion engines can handle going straight and up and down. That's all we can fucking do.
Well, that's what I'm wondering. So we should hope that it's just aliens just checking us out going, look at these fucking Neanderthals. In about 10,000 years, they might be able to figure out what we're doing. Latro, zip, zap, zop. You would rather it be something from another planet or universe than it be the Russians with some technology that we don't have.
I would rather it be another, yeah, a totally different planet. Just a different, an alien from somewhere else that comes, is checking us out and is going, okay.
Okay. Bye, bitch. In English? Well, there's too many encounters over the years to deny that the aliens are out there. I'm not denying it. That's what I'm saying. But if they're here... No, I'm with you, Adam. I'm totally with you. I'm not thinking that it's another human or... I'm just saying I hope we're just not annoying them. I hope we're not the cardinals shitting on their truck. You know what I mean? That's what I hope. Because you don't want to get killed is what you're saying? Yeah.
Yeah, I don't want him to fucking shoot us. It's science. Caramel's a bitch. I just think it's weird that it's... I think it's weird because personally, to have it being news that's out and coming, I'm like, I'm not a conspiracy guy, but I'm like, what are they prepping us for? Because why are they dropping it now? Wait a second. You go, I'm not a conspiracy guy, but what are they prepping us for? That's a conspiracy. 100% it is.
But is the world brown? What are they? First of all, I have to ask you. I'm not a conspiracy guy because I'm not thinking about it at all. I have to ask you, Blake, who are they in that scenario? Ooh.
Illuminati. You're obsessed with these others. Who are they? Who the fuck are they? This guy drinks adrenal glands. Well, that's what I'm wondering. Like, is this world news? Because to me, it seems like it's just kind of this US drop as far as I know. I'm not going on Reddit. Hell no. I'm not going on Reddit. If you want to know if it's global, go to Reddit. Too confusing. Nah, nah, nah. Too confusing. Yeah. Hey, so, but like, what do you care? So what's your takeaway? Okay, well first, they're either preparing us for some like
Some strange fucking epiphany. So you think this is like the scene from Signs with my guy? No, no, no. I'm saying they're preparing us for some weird Earth epiphany. To send for the others. Where they're like, oh, Russia has weird shit that can blow us up. Or it's going to completely change our universe. Do you think the goo's going to come out of the subway system like in Ghostbusters 2? I'm saying all of a sudden, lately, my piss smells like cat food.
And I haven't been drinking that much. I mean, I do hear you, Blake. There is an easy way to manipulate images to put an object fuzzy out there that moves like that. But it is the fact that the U.S. government is releasing this stuff and is saying, like, this is real. Yes. But that video will get clicks. That video is going to get clicks. That video is going to get people talking about it. So there is always the possibility that they...
need clicks and stories and all that. There is always that. Who? The U.S. government? Look, no. The media. The media that's putting it out there. But no, I'm not trying to walk it down. But it's not. It's the U.S. government that is releasing information that is saying this is real. Yes. Here's my question. They don't need clicks? Here's my question. No. Why... Why...
And of course, there's the flip side to this where it's like, exactly. But why isn't this the number one news story on every channel every fucking night then? Because there's other shit. Yeah, that is the weird part. That's what I'm saying. Until somebody goes, so everything we know changed the other day because...
UFOs are here. Like, no one's making a big deal out of it, which to me isn't an exactly, why aren't they? It's a, because people are like, there's no there there. Well, it's because humans just in our very nature are self-indulgent. We're not worried about it because it hasn't landed, it hasn't crashed into New York City. Right. You know, we don't have it. So it's just like a video and we're like, oh, okay. Uh,
They're not bothering us, so let's worry about the stock market. You know what I mean? I ain't scared of you motherfuckers. But I agree and I disagree because it's like, why hasn't this been the biggest viral video? Why do I know Charlie bit my finger, but I don't know this thing? Charlie bit me. That's really funny. Why do I know that? Because what's weird is that was not in Ghostbusters 2.
Why do I know it? Well, no, you know what? And you've brought me back to Earth. Hello. And this is exactly why I want to talk to you guys. Because even if you remember, Adam, Ders, when we were in the Bahamas, they dropped some shit like this where they're like, there was something, it definitely didn't come from Earth. And Ders was like, oh, that just means they made it on the, like a satellite base. And I'm like, okay, yeah, that adds up. That adds up. Didn't you say that, Ders? No.
What? What is this now? You can justify anything either way, right? Like, we don't know. They're unidentified, they're flying, and they're objects. They're unidentified. That's the key. We do not know what the fuck they are. So anything other than that is speculation. There's something. Yeah, but anything. Do you care? Do you really care, though?
Well, I love Angels and Airwaves and Tom DeLonge, so yeah, I care, man. Well, he was on his shit years ago, dog. Yeah, he was ahead of it for sure. It's just weird. It seems like we've got some big issues if it is the case, but yeah, I guess. Well, the good thing about Aliens coming is it'll unite us as a people. It won't. You know what I mean? What, like the Watchmen movie? Yeah.
Yeah, because you bring an outside force in and then everybody's like, hey, man, you're cool. We should not alien. Yeah, exactly. We squash all of our beef. They crash into the fucking pyramids. Hey, those are our pyramids too, man. High five, Earthlings. This is our planet. And then Randy Quaid's like, remember me?
And he flies into it. I can't wait till we do that. Did you guys... I think that might be a moment where I almost cried in the movie. What's it about? Oh, hell yeah, dude. He sacrificed himself. Right. Randy, motherfucking quiet, dog. Yeah, he really did. I was like, are these his kids in the movie?
That's his best performance. His best performance is his real life if you just watch Randy Quaid videos. That doesn't count. I'm trying to put a little... Oh, that doesn't count? You want to talk UFOs? Didn't he throw his hat in the ring for a California governor? What's Randy Quaid's deal? I know. I mean, I just kind of know he went a little batshit. He's been on the run for some tax shit, I think. Right. And had a gnarly porno and...
Did he? He had a porno? Right, right. It was like a political porno. What? Either him or his wife had like a mask on. They were fucking... Wasn't it a political mask? Wasn't it like a president? Yeah, I think so. Oh, so it was a bit. It was a bit. Was this a tape that leaked or was this like, hey, we're at home. We're a freaky ass couple. We're making our own pornos.
And then it was somehow leaked out? Or did they come out and were like, hey, guess what? Now we're porn stars. Because that's what I'm waiting for. I think it was part two. I think it was part two. I think it was kind of like, and we're putting this out there. That's cool. I think he thought it was funny. And I don't disagree. Cool. Yeah, that's rad.
I'm ready for like, when is there going to be like an A-list? Because now like how, you know, everybody is like with sex workers. Everyone's like pro sex workers now and all that. So I'm ready for like an A-list star to just be like, and I'm also a porn, like Natalie Portman is just like, and I'm a porn star now as well as a great actress. You're like a working porn star. Somebody to take the whole, like I had a P-tape. I had a P-tape out there and now I'm famous, but I don't do porno anymore.
more. No, no, no, no. You want somebody? No, I'm saying an A-list actress or actor. Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep or Daniel Day Lewis or Michael Douglas. Just like some. Oh, to embrace the art. Yeah, who's just like pro sex workers and it's just like, and I'm also, I have my own page on Pornhub. Check me out. I'm making tasteful hardcore porno. Who
is that going to be? Right. Tasteful. Why'd you put tasteful? I'm sorry, mom! Because it has to be artful, you know? Because they're like, they're also winning Academy Awards and stuff. Like that porno Pirates. Like, remember the most expensive porno of all time? Yeah, the million dollar porno? It was a heavy budget, man.
Jesse Jane came to see my show in Oklahoma City. Jesse Jane, the star of Pirates. So are you in Pirates 2? I would love to be. Maybe I'm that actor. Adam, yeah, you're the guy. It wouldn't have the same ring to it. People would be like, yeah, all right. I could see that. It would for me, brother. You have a porno name for sure, Adam. Yeah. Yeah, I could see that. Adam Devine.
in Pirates 2. What do you mean? You could see that? You're like, yeah, kind of, I guess. Well, I don't know any... It is. Divine? Yeah, I guess there's another... There's some porn actress with the last name Divine. I bet if you type in Divine into Pornhub, there's more than three porno actors with the last name Divine or first name. And then strippers, there's one at every club. Yeah. Perfect.
Yeah. Wait, fuck. Where were we? We could be for aliens. We could talk about porno. We could talk about A-listers. We were talking about Adam. Oh, the crossing over the porno. I mean, like, but it's all about money. So an A-lister...
Would they need to do that? I do remember, and this isn't porno, but Holly Berry when she did that movie where she showed her titties. This ain't Ghostbusters. Yeah. What about Joaquin Phoenix? Hold up, hold up, hold up. He was about to talk about Holly Berry. All right. Sorry, sorry. I got to walk you. Holly Berry had never shown her body before. And then for that Hugh Jackman hacker movie, she showed... It was called Swordfish. Swordfish. Thank you. That changed the game. This is important. She showed...
her Tadas and she was joking on some talk show that she like got paid $2 million more, a million for each Tada. And I'm like, okay, well, so that's, that's close to acknowledging that you're doing it for the money. Right. Yeah. And that's a list.
Yeah. Bella Thorne is on, what's it called? Right? Raking it in. Right. Yeah. She hit me up and said that she'd like to be on this podcast. Bella Thorne did. Oh, yeah? That's pretty cool. We don't have guests. We don't have guests. Sorry. But we will talk about you. We'll talk about her. We'll give you a man chat. Yeah, we'll mensh. I like that. We're not afraid to mensh. We'll mensh.
What about Joaquin when he sniffed that girl's ass in the movie? Remember he bit her ass in the documentary, the Casey Affleck doc? I don't know. I think that was a problem. Do you remember that? He was doing cocaine and he had strippers in the studio. When he became a rapper and he put gum under Letterman's desk and he made that crazy... It's called I'm Still Here. Isn't that what it's called? Yeah. What is it? Brown Bunny? Yeah.
Yeah, Chloe Savigny. Yeah. Did a little oral. Yep. But we're talking, I think Adam and I, I don't want to speak for you, but we're talking. Please, I would love it if you spoke for me. We want an A-lister to do hardcore porno. Right. I'm just saying, when is it going to happen? It's going to happen. We're walking down the road. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, because if Jake Paul can box, it's going to lead to Leo DiCaprio doing porno. Yeah. No, no, but Jake Paul is doing this thing.
like this is his biggest thing, right? Sure, sure, sure. This is different, but like obviously Kim Kardashian was first mostly famous from that tape, right? And now she's parlayed into something else. Yeah.
Jake Paul's like, well, let me fight these people and become more famous. He's like, I'll be an evil guy for 10 years, and then after that, I'll be just a regular person, probably. That's my guess. Maybe. What about when Kanye West designed the Pornhub Awards? I know he did that. So tight. He did? Yeah, he was the set designer and the production designer for the Pornhub Awards three or four years ago. So tight. It was his idea for just the orange and black. He's like, yo, it's Halloween every day.
We all wear masks. I know he did that. That's like... Because he doesn't necessarily need to go over to Pornhub to do that. He's just doing that. You know what I mean? It's just like... Well, I mean like... What's his name? Dustin Diamond. I mean, there have been not A-listers, but like...
Yeah, China. China? R.I.P.? Yeah. Classic. It's usually when people have really fallen on hard times. Yeah. You know, it's like they've fallen and they need money or there's something else or they just miss being famous so much. They just need a boost. Right. Something like that. Yeah. There's never been like a full-on...
Angelina Jolie just goes, and now what? Guess what? Here's my hardcore porno tape. Like that's never happened. I think someone will do it as a state. Well, what's his name? Fuck. Somebody. Vin Diesel. No, no, no. The artist. Oh, Vin Diesel's porno tape? No, no, no, no. Oh my God. Tyrese was. You guys go talk. I'm going to go think on this one. Tyrese was like on Insta Live, like shaving his girls. Woo hoo. Really? Yeah.
He was? It was crazy. That dude does some wild shit on Insta Live, right? Yeah. He airs out some laundry. Yeah, he's got some demons or something. Wasn't he like crying on it? Yes. Hold up, circling back. Is it Jeffrey Koontz, right? Koontz or whatever? Yeah, the artist. The artist. Uh-huh. Right. So back in the day, he either married or engaged or was dating this famous porno star. And then he... I think I've talked about this on the podcast. Yeah.
He did this whole photo shoot of full-on porno with her, with his dick and everything. And I was in New York and went and saw the exhibit when my first kid was like... You brought your child? 12 months old. He was an infant and we were in New York. One year. And we went into this other room and it was all of a sudden just like 10 by 10 foot...
full insertion close-ups and he was like pointing like whoa and I'm like I don't know if we should be in here we should get him out of here but then I'm like he doesn't know what he's looking at
I'm sorry, mama. But he did it. He was a famous artist at the peak of his powers. And he just did porno. Also, I was just thinking about this. Who's to say that there's not one just doing the POV stuff and we don't know? You know what I mean? Oh, right. Like a little masked band. They're going to drop a catalog on us? Who's filming it and then the reveal is coming. Yeah. It's just Jake Gyllenhaal wearing a ski mask. Just nightcrawler. Throwing it down.
Allegedly. In Randy Quaid's porno, was he wearing a mask or was his wife wearing a mask? I don't know. But if you're at home, feel free to pull it up and check it out. Send us DMs about who was wearing a mask.
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That's a great one. That one sounds so good. So is that a kid? You said it's like a high school kid at like a pep rally? No, it's college. It's Longhorns. But still, it's like just some 20-year-old dude who now has a place on our podcast. He has a good voice, too. Can we hear him a little? He's making it lower, right? We're back!
Like, that's him putting on the low man's voice. Yeah, he's throwing it down. It's clear, though. He's like the quarterback or something. It's a big deal. It's a stadium. Yeah, his nuts have been dropped, dude. Right, right, right. All right, good. Glad to clarify. He's not waiting for that to drop. His nuts dropped in eighth grade. It's science. And he's been throwing dimes since then. Dropping like Oscar in Ghostbusters 2. We're back!
I've got a big fucking boner right now. That one is so violent. What? What is that one? What sketch is that from? Blake is losing it to this. Blake loves these new ones. Yeah, it's just graphic. Graphic is different than violence. Just FYI. No, that one's violent. That's not violent. That was graphic. That's from the Adam Sandler album. You know, when he did his audio sketches? Yeah, I know.
I know that's Sandman. What is the sketch? I got a big fucking... Is it the goat? It's called The Buffoon. Oh, The Buffoon. And he would go like, The Buffoon goes on a date with the valedictorian or the buffoon meets the principal and it'll be Conan O'Brien.
And he just says stuff like, I looked at my asshole in the mirror. It blew my fucking mind. Yes, it blew my fucking mind. That shit kind of went off back in junior high. It kind of reminds me of the comic insult dog. Triumph. Were they kicking it back in the day? Oh, yeah. Was there a little borrowing or maybe a little writing thing?
They're buds. Well, he was a, he was an SNL writer. Oh, what's his name? And he's the Robert Schmeichel. Schmeichel. Yeah. I call him Bob. He was a writer on SNL. And then I think Dana Carvey roped him up for the Dana Carvey show. I just watched that documentary about the 20 to fail. Yeah. So good. Uh,
I met him when I did The Big Slick, which is a charity benefit show that a bunch of the – No, Robert Schmeichel. Okay. Okay.
Super funny guy. I don't know if it's Schmeigel. Yeah, I don't think it's Schmeigel. It's just Schmeigel. It's Schmeigel. Anyway. Well, I was calling him Schmeiguy the whole time, so he never corrected me. I bet he likes that. That's nice. That's warm. I was like, what's up, Schmeiguy? And he's like, all right. He directed that movie that came out on Netflix with Rock. Not going to
I wonder how many times I give someone a nickname and totally butcher their actual name. I feel like it takes you six months to really know someone's name, and then you're good. Maybe like 85% of the time. Yeah, so 85% of the time I'm just butchering someone's name while giving them a nickname. Right, yeah. Whoopsies! Sorry about it. Yeah, Robert Smigel directed that movie Father of the Year on Netflix with Chris Rock and Sandler. That is right. Remember that one that came out? Yeah. Yeah.
I like that movie. Yeah, he's a funny dude. I was cleaning out all my DVDs. Did you guys ever see, what was it called? 30, was it called 30 Minutes or Less? McBride's in it. Yeah. I never saw that. I'm going to dust it off. It's like, what is it? It's Aziz, Swartzen, and McBride. And Jesse,
Eisenberg. It was kind of based on the actual guy who there is a documentary on that's fucking unreal where a dude gets a bomb strapped to him. Oh, right. Um,
And they were like, oh, that's funny. And then they made a comedy out of it. Wait, is it that thing that's on Netflix right now where there was like that, the guy had a bomb strapped to his neck and he had to go into the bank or whatever? Yes. You should watch it because it's super fucking dope. There's like a lady who's like, I'm a fucking genius. And it turns out she's just like a master manipulator. And she worked with somebody to like,
put this collar on a dude's neck and he's like, it's going to go off. And then they figure out who did it. Okay. I never watched that doc, but it looked freaking cool. It's good. The woman who's like the mastermind is super fascinating. So that story spawned the... Like a funny comedy. Yeah. Wait a second. This guy exploded? With laughter. Um...
Kevin Hart is sea murder in a prison rodeo. Right, in three-finger shake. Yeah, it gives you the three-finger shake. I'd watch it. I'd watch it, man. If it's on Netflix, I'll click on it. Dude, Netflix has so many of those weird... Where it's like people on death row documentaries. I fall into those. They are just so scary and fascinating to me. Where it's just like people that are on death row and they're like admitting to their crimes. And it just like...
watching, like, studying those kind of people is so crazy to me. Just, like, the look in their eyes, it's just, like, total madness. I don't even... Right. I don't know. Do you ever watch those, like, lifers? Yeah, when you actually watch, like, serial killers and, like, people who have no end, like... You know, they're total sociopaths. They're broken. Yeah. I mean, it's super interesting because you're like, what drives a person to do this stuff? And it's interesting. Ders has that look in his eyes sometimes, you know? Yeah.
One time I was watching one of those and then 45 minutes later I was like, that is a mirror. And...
Oh, shit. I was like... Yes, points! Yeah, those people are just broken. They're like beaten dogs. That's the funniest reveal. Just like cut to you quietly looking at yourself in a mirror. I had the remote and I was clicking. They're like, oh, God, look at his eyes. I watched like three episodes of that Death Row murder show. It was so weird. Honey, you got to watch this. Honey.
Honey, get up here. Anders, you're looking in a mirror, sweetheart. What? I'm going to go get a slice of pie from the refrigerator. This guy's insane. I'm going to go for a drive. Just keep your phone on you. Turn on the tracking.
But it's the same thing about like how people are like pit bulls aren't bad dogs. They're just given owners who want fucking fighting dogs or like ferocious dogs treat those dogs like shit because they want to be like mean and stuff. Like some of these people just have fucking either like a lot of shit or one thing that really fucked them over and they didn't have anywhere to go to get any answers or like people to talk to. They had nobody to correct the
Or they were just swimming. They just kept swimming and they had no one to talk to at the bottom of the pool. And they got kicked off the team. And here they are. They didn't have anybody to turn to. And they had two older brothers that kind of got all the attention from their parents. And their mom would whip them awake in the morning. Right, and feed them raw hamburger that might have been humans. Right, and before they go to sleep at night, they say sweet dreams to the possum at the foot of their bed that may or may not be there. Right.
It could just be a possum that's not even there. Connie, I got your raw meat. Wait, is that a story of yours? Did you used to say goodnight to a possum that wasn't there? Yeah, was this a reveal? No, I'm just saying something insane. Are you? He was making, yeah, he made something up. We were calling back. I think that came real easy. I feel like there's some weird story from your childhood where you just had a pet possum. Mommy, can I keep him? The closest thing to me having a ghost possum at the foot of my bed
is I used to say like, what would you rather, would you rather find a possum at the foot of your bed, like under your covers or look down in the toilet and find a possum like in the water? Oh,
Wait, are you taking a shit though? Or are you pissing? Yeah, or you're sitting and peeing. By the way, we should get into that. You're sitting though. Oh yeah, I gotta start. I gotta start. What do you mean you gotta start? I'm getting, I gotta start sitting and peeing. I'm getting fucking railed for leaving the seat up. I'm so goddamn tired. I'm not like paying attention and I'm getting fucking railed. Well, for sure, you piss all over the seat. You know what I mean? You're a monster.
I'm messy too. I'm messy in the middle of the night. I know that about you, yeah. I fucking spray all over. I hit the corners of the bathroom. Yeah, you're a real hoser. Wait, do you leave the seat down when you piss though? No, no, I do not. I just don't put it back. I had a college roommate who did that and we had to like fucking shake him down. Beat his ass? Jump him? We had to have like a talk. We had to lay this guy down and fuck him. We had to fuck this guy. Yeah. I was like open wide.
Yo, homie, can we talk to you real quick? No, he would just piss on the seat. We thought it was water for a long time. And then we realized, we're like, wait, did you just not put the seat up? And he was like, oh, no. And we were like, you've been doing this for months.
Sorry. I get it, though. For months. But you're like, you know, when you don't put the seat, I have done that a lot in the past. And it's like, I trust my aim. I'm a great aim. I'll be fine. But you're not, though. I'm sorry. So you are that guy? No, I'm not that guy anymore. I'm just leaving it up now. I'm pulling it up, and I'm leaving it up. Right, right, right. So you have been that guy. When we used to share a bathroom, I remember multiple times when there would be piss on the seats.
Back in the day. For sure. Yeah, well, you know, I mean, I was the only one cleaning the bathroom, so I didn't think it really mattered. Oh, touche. Points. I'm a man. True, true, true. Seven years. Only one right here. True. Adam is like, fair enough. Hey, fair enough. Yeah, true. Never cleaned the bathroom once. Well, Adam's not going to clean your piss. You know what I mean? I cleaned his. I cleaned his. I don't do that. I sit, I have, and I have forever. I sit down and piss.
When I'm at home, I sit down and piss 95% of the time. I'm into it now. Maybe more. It might be 99% of the time. I'm always sitting down and pissing. People have been like, oh, isn't that emasculating? Absolutely not. It's way more comfortable. I piss for a really long time. I drink a lot of fluids. That is true. I have to sit down. You take short poops and long pees. What?
I do take short poops and really long pees. I think the disconnect I have is exposing my ass while peeing. I think that that's a problem. Keep going, please. Yeah, yeah. Well, f*** you, cat! What else? I just find it to be not utilitarian. It's like, no, I have the hardware to just basically unzip, stand up. Utilitarian. No, and we all know what that means, and no one needs to explain it. Well, you know, it's like...
Why do I have to expose my ass and pull my pants all the way down to my ankles when all I really need to do is drop them a couple inches? Because you're going to get on your phone for a minute. Yeah, because you're just going to look at your phone. Take a load off, Annie. I understand it's smarter. I get it's a little bit more intelligent, but this is the gripe I might have with it, all right? See, I don't do it when I'm out in public. Uh-oh.
Well, not all the time, but usually public toilets are a little more disgusting. So you're like, I don't want to chill in there. Yeah, I would never. Oh, huh. I'd rather just take a piss in the urinal. And then go shoot birds. I'd rather just assassinate cardinals. The urinal is gnarly, too, because that shit splashes back like no other. Well, you got to hit the little seashell, man. No matter what, you're getting a little missed. You're getting a missed. You don't piss straight ahead and wrap it around the corner? No.
In the corner? The best thing to do is back up about six feet. If I wear shorts or sandals... Social distance. It just completely opens my eyes to how much I'm pissing all over my feet every time I'm at a urinal. So much piss gets on my legs. Right. It's inevitable. Here's a good question. And ladies at home who really don't spend time in a men's bathroom, you might be shocked by this. But guys, there's always...
at least some urine underneath a urinal. - Every time? - Every time, without a doubt. - I got the pumice! - And there's always so many pubes in the urinal as well. Like how are you shedding this much? - They're jumping. - It gets cleaned every day. - Here's my question. What is the acceptable amount, like square inch-wise, of urine on the floor that you're like, "God, that's gross. That's too much." Like the size of a hand?
When I slip. If I slip going in, I'm a little worried. When you're barefoot and there's any amount. Yeah, 100%. If it's bigger than a hand, I can't. I'm like, that's fucking nasty. But if it's like five drops, like five quarters on the floor, I'm like, yep, fine.
Five quarters? Like the size of five quarters like drops. Okay, okay, okay. Well, it is amazing like how much I feel like we're so much more open now as a society and like... Sure. Russians have ships that can go side to side and...
Right. For sure. Those are aliens. And we have combustion engines, yes. Definitely aliens. But like back in the day, there used to be, you used to go to baseball games or basketball games or whatever, and there would just be a trough where you just all had to piss into a tub together, and there'd be like a grown man right across from you. And this was when we were children. So you're just at dick height, and there's just dicks on each side of you pissing. There's a man directly in front of you. Lots of pee, lots of smell.
His dick is right in front of you. There's one resting on your shoulder. I got a big fucking boner right now. Hopefully there was no boners. Hopefully there was no boners. You have to arc your piss up into this tub or your dad has to hold you with your legs dangling as you pull out your little dick and just try to get it into... What a nightmare situation. But also, what a cool homie move to hold your boy up. Dude, that's my move. Boy dad...
Hashtag boy dad. I'm so good at just like holding that dude up and I like shake him.
When he's done, I give a whole body shake to just get it out. Yeah, if the bachelor party's really good, we're going to be doing that to each other in the Ozarks. For sure. Oh, please. I hope that I get drunk enough that you guys hold me up and shake me to get the piss droplets off my dick. Hold up. At Wrigley Field in Chicago, there's a notorious fucking trough situation. But there's also these ruckus
circular like hand washing stations. Yeah. Yeah. Like in a wood shop, like in a, yes. And maybe I've talked about this before, but without a doubt, when you go to Wrigley field, you will see a little kid walk up to the circle hand washing thing and start peeing into it. And everyone is just washing their hands because it's a circle. So you're like looking at the kid taking a piss and you're like, uh, you gotta go over there, young man.
It is un-fucking-real. Yeah, it's a learning moment. It's a teaching moment. Another thing about the pee next to you is that when you're a kid, you're trying to fucking just... Ah, if I could just pee because you got stage fright. These men have had like four 24-ounce beers. So they're just ripping piss out of their hogs, right? Give me a hell yeah! And admittedly, so much easier to piss after you've had a few beers. Oh, yeah. You can't not. Even if it's not just the amount of fluid that's in you, it's just...
You don't care. Your dick's out. You're pissing in front of other men. It's fine. You're all doing it. It's like the proton blaster from Ghostbusters 2. Right. You can barely control it. Right. It's science. It's almost exactly like the proton blaster. Don't cross the streams. Don't cross the streams. Cross the streams. Don't. That's where you learn don't cross the streams. That's part one. That's part one. Never seen it. That's part one. Never seen it. Where's my snare? Oof.
There's no snare in my headphones. Now I don't like that. Are there any take-backs, apologies, or giveaways? Well, I can apologize for last week. I gave credit to Megan Thee Stallion for the Best Friends song. It's Ashley Saweetie and Doja Cat, so sorry to the listeners. Saweetie. Doja Cat, right?
Yeah, they hopped on me about that. Doja Cat. I do love me some Doja Cat. What a fun name that one is. Love that name. Doja Cat. I'd like to compliment Adam on his Insta stories, or maybe it was your fiance's Insta stories where you were just having a blast singing that song. Oh, yeah. That's my best friend. It's great. It's a great track. It brought a smile to my face, and thank you. Thank you for that. Chloe whipped out the cam, caught that moment in time.
Yeah, well, you know, Blake, I think the song's been out for a while, and admittedly, I don't listen to a lot of anything besides Bush, Razorblade Suitcase. Bush, baby. By the way, Everclear is performing at a bar here in Charleston this weekend. And you're in heaven. I'm gonna go. Yes, sir. You gotta go. Are you going to go? You have to go.
I have to go. I'm going to go. Yes, sir. You got to get like a backstage pass and find out that dude's name. There isn't a stage. It's at a bar. There is a stage. It's like on a beach. It's on a beach. It's a real show. It's a back floor pass. It's a back floor pass. I have to see Art, whatever his last name is, and my boy, Greg Eklund.
So yeah, I'm excited about that. And they're five songs that all sound the same, but they all rip, man. They do rip. And it's three songs. Here's what I want you to ask. If you can sing a song with them, it would be really cool if they brought you up and you did a little duet. I am still dreaming of your ghost. You could slay that.
Hell yeah. You can play that on the guitar, right? I know the beginning. I know that jing jing. You should ask him to rip the beginning of that. Yeah, play him in. That would be insane. And people just lose their fucking minds when they see me shred on the guitar, man. That would be insane. Yeah. Okay, Adam, the riff's over. Okay, Adam, the riff's over. We gotta get into the song. I'd be worried about doing that because it's like, what do you do after you've done that?
Like in your life. Yeah, like the career's over. Yeah, right. I just have to retire. Oh, I thought, no, I thought he meant what do you do on stage? No, I think it's what do you do with your life? Your career's done because you peaked. You done peaked, boy. Yeah.
Yeah, I guess you just kind of... You do porno. Yeah, you then immediately segue into hardcore porno. That's not a bad idea. Not a bad idea. Be the first. From Modern Family to Hardcore Porno, baby. Modern Cramley. What? I guess, you know what? I'll apologize to Kyle this week, guys. What's up? What?
You know, you're coming up with solutions for Adam about not killing the bird, which I think is a good idea. You don't want to just go around killing animals all the time. So, yeah, I'm sorry I called you soft. You're a thoughtful man. You got a lot of love in there.
I do. A lot of love in that big, big, big, big, big, big, meaty heart. Do you love him? Gotta lose some weight because that heart's working overtime. Oh my God. Just cheeseburgers in the arteries. I'm still going to send it. I kind of want you to be my really, really obese friend. I don't have like a super, super huge obese friend and I want that for you. I think you'd have fun doing it. God damn it. Yeah. Yeah, it'd be hella fun, dude. Fucking eat whatever and don't care. Think of all the chips.
all the chippies you can eat, all the yummy chippies. Full chips and bean and cheese burrito. I feel like if you just drink soda constantly, no pack a mom. That's what it is, right? That's always the thing. Every real big person I know, they chug a lot of soda. I have a cousin that's pretty large. He drinks a lot of soda.
two liter sodas and that he just has around the crib. Oh, yeah. Root beer! I'm going to send a bunch of two liters to your house, Kyle. Oh, dude. Well, I did actually have a two liter root beer the other day. We should just start sending tons of food to Kyle's house.
I did have a two liter root beer. I'm just like, I don't know, babe. This two liter showed up. I'm just going to keep it out in the workshop. That's great. Kyle's just busting liters of Faygo. Faygo on the regular. I'll just, another one showed up. I'll just keep it out in the workshop. So when I'm out there, I'll just, you know, that'll be what I drink. Yeah. I would love that for you. That's daddy's time. You guys ever drink a Swiss cream?
I've heard of this. Remember that one? No. Huh. Sounds foul. I'm going to send you some Swiss cream. Wait, what do you mean? It's just a cream soda. It's like a cream soda? Okay. But it's like crystal clear. It's not Pepsi. I love slurping down some Swiss cream. Mmm. I like that. Somebody's auditioning for his porno. I have no snare in my head.
I have no takebacks or apologies. People I'm sure are going to be like, you should take back wanting to kill cardinals. I don't want to kill all cardinals. I want to kill the cardinals that are shitting on my truck. The 10 that visit your truck. Adam, and also, you don't have to take back wanting to kill something. You're going to have to take it back when you do. Mmm.
No, I won't have to. I don't have to. Like Durr said the other week, I don't have to do anything, motherfucker. Right. You will. I don't have to do anything. You will. Fuck you. I won't do it. You tell me. Wow. Hard cut out at the end of that one. Is that just at the very end of the song? Wow. That got real aggressive. That wasn't even the song. That was just some girl in her room. Oh.
Oh, is that the Brass Against the Machine, bro? Is that the brass version? I don't know. I don't think so. I think it's just a girl in her room. Oh. Yeah, well, the girl sings this brass version of that song, and it's off the fucking charts. Check out Brass Against the Machine. It's dope. Awesome. And that was another episode of This is Importante. Muy Importante. Hear that? Pumpkin.
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