Ep 5: The Dudes F#@%, Marry & Kill Each Other!
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How could you go wrong? And yes, you could find a ton of recipes on the Philadelphia website. Visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding Philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home. Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we talk about what's obviously most crucially important. Today on This is Important. He's got a fur burger for sure. I got you the old spice. You're good to go with me, pal. You can cozy up.

Me and my pimp juice, let it loose. If the animal doesn't feel like coming out, they have to let you know that the animal's not coming out. And that's what's up. And here we go.

For me, I'm team ring all day long. We're talking about the cameras at the front of the house to make sure people aren't shooting on your doorstep or any weird stuff. Home security cameras. Right. The cameras at the front of your house. And the back and all around and inside for some people I know.

Isaac? Oh, yeah. Well, I got robbed like a handful of years ago. That's when I put mine up. And my neighbor told me, this is how shitty neighbors are in Los Angeles. Like, they truly don't give a fuck. The guy, my neighbor was like, oh, yeah. I told him I got robbed. And he was like, oh, yeah. I saw someone digging through your trash wearing scream masks. What? Dude.

Two guys. And I'm like, you didn't think to call the police? And he goes, no, I just figured it was someone just looking for cans or something. And I'm like, in a scream mask? That's so terrifying. That's amazing. Yeah, they were actually robbing your house in scream masks. Apparently. That's kind of fucking baller. Yeah, that is sick.

It's off the charts. Until you're stabbed to death. By the way, your neighbor robbed you and then told you there were some people with scream masks going through your garbage so that you're totally thrown. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 100%. That'd be tight. Because the first thing you're thinking is, well, it's definitely not this asshole who just saw them and didn't tell me. Right. Look at me. Sherlock Holmes. Oh!

All of a sudden, I just hear him playing on a Casio keyboard holding an antique rifle. Is that what was taken from you? Yeah, there's like two things got stolen. Who plays the keyboard? You play keyboard? My, yeah, man, I tickle the ivories. They're not ivories. They're plastic on a keyboard player. Well, dude, this was elite level Casio, baby. Damn, you kill the elephant? It wasn't mine. It was my ex, GF, and she tickled the ivories. Oh.

Your ex-GF. This was many moons ago, Kyle. This was like six years ago. Moving on, Kyle. Come on. Sorry, baby. I got to keep up. My ex. You're not catching me on no shit, dog. Yeah, no. Okay. My bad. My bad, homie.

So were you guys worried about getting broken into or are you just, you know, this is just how you have to live life now. You got to have a ring or a nest or a beam. Yeah, man. It's basically to keep all the fans out the crib. For you, it's the fans. Yeah, it's crazy. It's actually just creature cams. Yes. Because you'll just catch like possums, raccoons, rats, caught a bobcat. That's scary. I'll be honest.

I have a fear of bobcats. Wildcats scare me. Big cats. Lynx, mate. Wildcats scare me. They're unpredictable. They're unpredictable. Yeah, but they're so dang nice, man. You can't predict them at all. That's one thing I keep hearing. You can never predict cats. I heard that cats wait to attack you when you turn your back.

Okay? What? Yes. A dog will come at you head on. Yes. Cats wait till you turn around and then they pounce. Really? I swear to God. I was out riding my bike the other day and there was like, out of nowhere, I'm like on this river trail and out of nowhere, because I be cycling, out of nowhere, like five coyotes came just like were running across the river trail because it was, you know, it's LA so everything's just dried out and they come running across and...

Suddenly, I was like, am I about to fight six coyotes? That would be epic. They fully just did not care and just ran all around me on every side. But for a second, I was like, I'm going to have to fight to the death some coyotes. Dude. Dude. They might have been cheering you on. That could be your cheer squad. Out where I live, like sometimes in the middle of the night, the packs of coyotes will get something and they will just go crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like crazy. And you hear the animal that they got like screaming and stuff. It is the most... Yeah, like fucking leave me alone. Leave me the fuck alone. Don't kill me. Oh, not my face. Don't eat my face first. Yeah. Eat my ass first. Oh, just please eat my ass. Eat my ass. Honey, the coyotes are out there again. Eat my ass. Please eat my ass first. Oh, God. Why not my face? Just...

Just focus on the ass, please. What are you doing out there? That's what I'm definitely saying that. I'm definitely saying that if I get attacked by anything. It's just like, please eat my ass first, then eat what? Kyle just walks into the woods, just ass first, just ready to get gobbled. Are you going out to the woods again?

I'm laying traps. I'm laying more traps. Just eat my ass. Eat my ass. That's what I hope my ghost says in the afterlife. If you die first, I want you to haunt us with eat my ass. Eat my ass. Remember on Workaholics when we had a dog eat my ass? And it was like, what? It was the bulldog from Modern Family that was like. Well, it licked Mountain Dew Code Red out of your butt crack.

butt crack wait that was that was the episode that was the entire episode now what was what was the the plot it was the one where we went back to school and i was teasing the um national guard or the coast guard the coast guard yeah oh sure sure sure they like tracked me down with their dog and they're like poor code red down his butt crack and make the dog lick it and like you

In a TV show, you're like, ha ha, that's funny. How are we practically doing this? And everyone's like, we're putting peanut butter on your butt and then we're going to have the dog lick your ass. That's not practical movie magic, baby. We did you the justice of not putting it in near the hole. It was like on your cheek, right? The justice. It probably felt hella good. Yeah, the service.

Yeah, but you think the dogs can be like, oh, I'll be right over here. Yeah, no, it went for it. He slid the credit card. I was on set that day. That was a good morning. That was a really good morning. I remember. That's a real pick-me-up. Fantastic morning. I'm surprised the animal people weren't like absolutely...

No way. Because they're pretty fucking weird, the animal people, on every set. Every set you come to, they're always, you know, God bless them. They're doing God's work. Allegedly. Allegedly, they're fucking weird. Allegedly, they're fucking psychos. But every time, they're like, they're just always, you know, totally insane.

Yeah. Well, because their friends are animals. They aren't programmed to talk to humans. Yes. They show up on set and they speak for the animals. So if the animal needs a trailer, they have to get the animal trailer. If the animal needs a car, they have to get the car.

That's what's up. Hey, and that is what's up. Well, and so that's their whole job. I couldn't have put it better myself. Oh, man, that was so crystal clear and poignant and real. And thank you. And that is what's up. That is important. This is important. That was important. What you just said was important. Yeah. Anytime I can get the opinion of a robot like yourself, I love it.

Kyle, I don't know if you know what just happened, but you cut out and you just went. And then came back in with. And that's what's up. Yeah.

Oh, no, I did not know that that happened. Sorry about that. We weren't shitting on whatever you just said. Yeah. Like we just we came in real hard on whatever you said. You're like, well, I thought that was pretty, pretty potent stuff. Well, I was saying some dumb shit about how like the animal like if the animal doesn't want to come to set, then the person speaks for the animal.

And that's how fucking strange they are. The animal never wants to come to set. I'll say that. These fucking diva little squirrels. Hey, if I'm honest, neither do I. Okay, I'd rather be watching TV. Oh, but you're an animal in your own right. We all know that. That's true. Yeah, Blake's the animal of the crew. Yeah, party animal. Party animal.

baby hey guys this is important fuck marry kill each other oh god this game i feel like i've played this a million times with you guys just that one off can i do all three to all of you that's what i always say well you can oh wow can but that's uh not how you play the game no you marry first

Then you have sex. It's obvious. It's obvious what I would do. What's so obvious? I would marry Blake. Okay. Okay. Thank you. Because we got a great relationship. It's been, you know, for years now since we were...

It's weird. Young. So you don't want to kill him, is what you're telling me. All right. I would fuck Adam because... What? Yeah, I would fuck you. Well, I would probably let you fuck me. Jesus Christ. Well, you know, it's easy. It's simple. This is simple stuff. Simple science. Okay. Why are you fucking me? Because of my ass? Yeah, I'm curious. I'm curious about you. You know, I'm curious about the way that you fuck. And I would kill Anders.

Oh my god. Damn. Hard. Why would you kill me? I would kill Anders. Why would you kill me?

Yeah, what the hell? Because, man, it's some deep-seated shit, bro. It just goes back to like, it goes into it. We don't need to get into it. He's in therapy. Yeah. And we're back. Me and Kyle just fist fought. And our fists exploded when we hit each other at the exact same time. I don't want to kill you. I would have to just because that's how the game's played. It is. It is a hard game. Yeah, it's tough.

I honestly would have loved to see you guys fist fight in your prime. Kyle's a little past it right now, but... In our prime? Yeah. I would have destroyed you. Yeah, Durs would kick my fucking ass right now. Durs would beat us all up. Durs is a fucking athlete. Guys, I've seen Kyle box. Now I'm obviously the most athletic. You're doing all right.

I've seen Kyle box. He's crazy. He reaches down inside of him and fights with an anger that you've never seen before. I also don't have the cigarettes anymore, so I kind of got a little stamina. I would love to see how far back Kyle winds up before he punches. Well, me and Kyle have fought a handful of times, and it's always absolutely insane.

The reach. He's got you on the reach. That's tough. The reach is absurd. I remember one time we got in a fight. I don't even remember what it was about. It doesn't matter. It was stupid. But we got in a fight and I...

I climbed Kyle like a fucking tree and then was gripping him as hard as I could so he couldn't swing on me. And then the entire party was outside. They all came back in at the exact same time and just saw – it looked like Kyle was fucking me against the wall. This is weird after you just said that you would fuck me. This is kind of bizarre. But –

They were like, what's going on? And we're like, we're fighting. And they're like, kind of doesn't look like you're fighting at all. And that was the night that you kept showing me your fists. Do you remember that? You kept showing me your fists and being like, ooh, these big Czech hands. You're lucky I didn't connect with these big...

big check hands. Because I did swing back like ultra, like you were able to dodge a punch from me because I did swing back. Well, for sure, because the windup was absurd. It was like a windup has to be huge. It's like a Mike Tyson punch out character.

Yes. Yeah. Do you remember what we were drinking earlier in that night, Adam? Can I guess? Yeah. Was it Thunderbird? Was it Night Train? Oh, it was Thunderbird. It was Night Train. Absolutely a mixture. But I was thinking. Sparks? Sparks, yes, of course. Wow, I didn't even think about that. I was just thinking about the pimp juice that we were drinking. Me and my pimp juice.

Let it loose. Can we get Pimp Juice to sponsor our podcast? Sparks or Pimp Juice? I mean, Pimp Juice didn't have alcohol, correct? It was just an energy drink. Yeah, Pimp Juice was only energy. Sparks was good. Sparks. Sparks basically sponsored my 20s. Yeah, that shit was fire. I feel like...

like a lot of people don't know about Sparks. Sparks was a full-on alcoholic energy drink. Yeah. That was pretty good. They had to have just like some kid's heart exploded and they were like, we got to stop, right? It was for loco. It was good tasting and I felt it was pretty popular. Some kid just at FSU just had one too many Sparks and that ignited the explosion within him. Had to have. For sure. Allegedly. There's no doubt in my mind. Had to have allegedly. Allegedly.

If they want to come back, though, we will be the poster boys. Sparks. Well, wait. Hang up. We're not done with Fuck, Marry, Kill. Oh, you guys just want to tell me you want to fuck me.

No, dude. I've already one up on getting fucked. Okay. I'm the one getting fucked right now. I'm going to go. Cannot wait. Cannot wait. I'm going to marry Adam. Oh. Can everyone hear me or is Kyle the only one who's gargling? I can hear you. I can hear you.

I can hear you. Okay, good. That's just Kyle's digestive system. I'm in the best shape of my life. Oh, my God. Sorry, Kyle. Roasting you a bit. Oh, my God. Anywho, I would marry Adam. Thank you. But you have to give reasons why. I can usually give reasons when I'm not fucking cut off, wifey.

This is what it would be. It'd be us going back and forth, giving each other shit. We can still fuck, right? Because you're married. Yeah, you do fuck when you're married. Good, good, good. Check that box. Damn. So it's fuck, fuck, kill. It's a different kind of fucking, Blake. This is lovemaking. So I move into your place on the beach. I'm on your boat, just suntanning while you drive. Okay.

You wear big ass hats like Chloe. Oh, yeah. I'm getting golden out there, baby. Nice. I'm working on one screenplay for the rest of my life. And it's like starring you and it's not good. And you're like, yeah, no, I just think. And it all takes place like in Catalina. Yes. It's called the wine mixer. Catalina. And it's about a cat named Lena. Oh, watch out for cats, dude. They attack you when you turn your back.

Okay, true. Who am I fucking, who am I killing? You already know, bitch. I'm killing Kyle. Oh, shit. You dead, boy. You dead, boy. And I was going to say I'm fucking Blake because he's got that long hair to grab onto from the back. Okay.

And I just feel like you would let me live out that fantasy. And then I was like, well, wait, Kyle has that hair. And then I was like, I'm not interested in his dark ass butt crack hair. I'm not into it. No, you don't. You don't want to fuck with the hemis. I wouldn't let you near it. You gots to die. You gots to die. The fishers and the hemis. I'd be screaming out of pain, not pleasure, baby. Come on, baby.

The fissures and the hemis. If you're just tuning in now, this is important. This is important. This is important. Your diet and your fiber intake is incredibly important if you want to, you know, survive with fissures and hemorrhoids. So that's it. It really boils down to the dark pubic region of Kyle. It's just turned off to me. Fair enough. And Blake having built in little handles just for control, stability. Jesus.

I get it. I get it. Jesus. I like how it got too real for Blake all of a sudden. Jesus. Whoa, whoa. What is this game?

I don't feel like you're supposed to go as in-depth. I just wanted to say the names and who I am. You gotta go. I'm going in-depth. You gotta go in-depth. The depths are deep. Alright, so Blake, what's your story? I don't know. Like, if I really start to play it out, there's like reasons I'd kill Kyle. There's reasons I'd marry him. I never would want to fuck Kyle. Man. I just never. He's just one friend I just...

I don't know. I think... One friend? You'd fuck every other friend? You're going to fuck everyone. Wow. I've ran the scenarios through my head with everybody, and I...

That's incredible to me. To me... That's when Blake's having a hard time going to sleep. He's like, let me just run the Rolodex of every friend I've ever had. And would I want to fuck them? Yes, yes, yes. It comes to Kyle. No way in hell. Yeah, but the thing is...

every other friend he's fucking nah yeah and it's like we're best friends and shit but not for that you know like fuck well I'd say I love Kyle to death but I do when I imagine fucking Kyle I imagine uh

I imagine just the hair going, like connecting to your asshole. Like it's just a full. It's not even that hairy though. I mean, you guys are tripping. You guys got a lot going on in your imaginations. I doubt it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is the imagination. This is the picture that we're, we're painting. It's because I've been open about my. Fissures and your, and your hemis. Yes. Yes. You can say it. You can go ahead and shame me for that, for my medical reasons and just blame it on the hair. We are, we are.

You know what it is? I think that Demi Moore photo from like the 80s. You remember that photo where it's like you just see how hairy? Yes. That's what I imagine Kyle. But then the rest of him doesn't look like Demi Moore. Yeah. Yeah, minus the Demi Moore. He's got a fur burger for sure. Yeah, it's a fur burger. That's what it's called. Right between the cheeks. Okay, so continue. Okay, so I think I got it. Okay. All right. I'm definitely fucking Adam. I'm giving him back shot.

What's up, bro? With that luscious dumper. I'm down. That is true. I'm down. So wait, I got two... I got a Mary. I got... And two fucks. That's pretty good. That is pretty good. All right. That's huge. And I was going back and forth on this, but you know what? I...

I will also take your hand in marriage, Kyle. I would love to live out a quiet life in the woods with you where we just read books on a porch and drink lemonade and I take care of your hemis. Yes, see, now that I can provide for you. I can absolutely provide you the solace in nature and build you a garden and pick apples for you from the orchard. And here's the deal with Anders.

Here's the deal with Anders. I don't want to kill him. I need to. Okay? I need to see this guy. The life squeezed out of you. No, I want to choke you to death. All right?

I want to cut you up, put you in a box, and just drop you off the edge of a boat. See if you could swim. Wow. Hey, man, I got the boat. Hey, yeah. And you know who's driving that boat? Your husband. Thank you. Wait a second. Was this all just a ploy to murder me? Yeah, this is, we'll take Durs out on your mistress's boat, who you're fucking, but your husband's cool with it.

So we're all going out together. Yeah, because also I want to fuck your mistress. Oh, are you going to fuck me too, man? Well, I mean, if we're just playing this out, that's what's up. And this is Catalina. Yeah, we steal your screenplay.

Lena! Yeah, they take the screenplay and make it. It's a hit. Yeah. It's a hit. Anne Hathaway stars in it. Yeah, Adam wrote it. Anne Hathaway as Anders. I just wrote it. Yeah, Adam's like, I don't know. It just popped out. Adam, this is really good. It's like, I just tried once. It's the first draft. I don't know. Who would have thought? A cat named Lena. It's genius. It's almost like you've been writing it for 25 years.

and just pouring over this one idea. Nope. First draft. It just poured out of me. You already know the sequel. The sequel, it's like I know what you did last summer at comeback. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's dope. And I cut everybody with the brads that keep the pages together. Slice, slice. Paper cuts, maybe. I don't know. I'll play with it. Who's making these small cuts? Guy was found with over 100 brads stuck in his body.

The detective is just, uh... Eric Griffin. Yeah, it bags his body! Okay. Who's doing this? Are you doing a character? Who is this person? It's me.

That's how I talk. It is not. Man, I don't get enough respect. I do not get enough respect as a detective. I'm a good-ass detective. How come I only get one take? You give the guys five takes. I'd watch that. Should we go for an hour on this? That being said, I would watch that. Riffin' bout Griffin. Riffin' bout Griffin. Riffin' bout Griffin. Get out of here.

Shout out to his podcast, Riffin' with Griffin. Eric Griffin, homeboy from Workaholics. Montese. It's a lot easier than he makes it look. It's a lot easier than he makes it look. Podcasted. A lot easier than it looks.

So wait, Adam, did you go? Did I not? Yeah, you got to do yours, don't you? You didn't do it. No. Yeah, I think a Durst is the one. You guys know better than us. No, Durst had the whole story. You don't remember me describing your body? I already blanked it out, dude. It fucking freaked me out. The break was gross. Wrap your legs around me. He was sicked out. All right, Adam, what's your deal? No, I did not go.

Yeah, you're trying to skip it, bro. Yeah, I was. Braj. Braj. You know, I'm going to have to. I'm marrying Blake.

Because I think we would get along well. I think we would grow old together and we could go see. He could teach me about his musics. You'd let me have the playlist? Yeah, I would give you the aux cord and you could just spin some new tunes. And I would always be hip and cool and connected with the cultures. Yeah.

I like that. Let's go to India together. Yes, you'd take me to fun shows and I'd get to wear my leather jackets. Oh, shit. I love it when you wear the leather jacket. I love it. Yeah, and I'd get to wear my leather jacket and just be like, ooh, this is fun. We never do this anymore. We never do this anymore. And you're like, yeah, babe. Hell yeah, I'm taking you out, showing you what's up. That being said...

I have a side piece. Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Yeah, I got a side piece.

And this one, I know it's going to get wild and nasty because he was an ex-Collegiate athlete. Anders Holm, we fucking, baby. All right. Congratulations, Anders. Oh, baby. We fucking. We fucking. And that is not. And Kyle, I don't want to kill you. I don't want to kill you. No, I know. I don't want to kill you. It's just because I don't want to fuck you. And I. And.

That's the only thing. You have to die. You have to die because I don't want to fuck you and that is the game. I wish you could live. I wish you could, honestly. I would love to see you as an old man. Yeah, me too. And you were right up there. You might have gotten second place. You might have, but I'm not admitting that.

So you're saying if there is some super fucked up scenario where there is a person gunned to Kyle's head and they're like, there's only one way you can save this, dude. You have to fuck him. You would say... Well, that's not the game. It's fuck, marry, kill. That's a new game. The game is if he fucks him, the other person dies. Yeah. I would fuck any one of you guys if that's the case. I'm just letting you know. New game.

Well, the only reason I picked Ders to fuck is because he is a hairless man. What is it with you guys and hair? Why are we so afraid of hair as a culture? What is happening here? Well, I don't know. Hey, it's just how we're built. There's a smell with you as well, Kyle. There's a smell, too.

And there it is. Yeah, but the smell is natural, baby. Patchouli oil. There's like oils and shit. It's a must. Yeah, I got you the Old Spice. You're good to go with me, pal. You can cozy up. So wait, who the fuck killed me? Adam killed me. Durs killed me. Yeah, I got killed twice. Get over it. Yeah, I married you. We married each other. Yeah, we both. But me and Durs are the only ones that got killed. Wait, I didn't get killed at all. I didn't get killed either. Yeah. You guys both just got fucked and married. What?

To be fair, man, fucking put me out of my misery. Kyle, can I tell you something that will put you at ease? Yeah, what up? You're nobody to somebody.

kills you. I didn't know where you were going with that. That was dope. I appreciate it. I didn't know you could sing that well either. That was really impressive, Anders. I can only sing this way. Otherwise, I can't. That's it. You're like the horse in Top Secret. Top Secret. Top Secret.

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Something I was wanting to ask you fellas, a little question. Please. And is it important? What's up? It's very important. And I want you to really think about it, okay? And I was jogging and I'm thinking, I'm thinking, hey, if you could take back a death...

and make a person who maybe, you know, passed away before their time and grant them, like, 20 or 30 or maybe they only had five years left, but somebody, like, to put them back into society and see what they would have done with their time. Like a famous person. It could be a famous person. I don't know. If you want to get really real and there's a friend that you're, like, was super impactful for you. Yeah, the game is for a famous person. That would be a little more fun, I would say. I think the listeners would be more entertained by that. My grandma!

That's okay. My cousin! I'm down to talk about that. I want one more rhubarb pie. Dude, that's so real. She made dope rhubarb pie. Really? I don't think I've ever had that pie. Oh, man. Because you eat rhubarb, and it's a little sour. And you think, this is going to make a shitty pie. Our Vela gets her old wrinkly fingers on that crust.

Automatically, super sweet. Super delicious. I think she poured a lot of sugar. Whenever he was like, if you just put rhubarb into a pie, it becomes sweet. All grandparents' food is delicious until you see them make it. So you're in the kitchen and you're like, oh.

Oh, that's why our family's obese. Is that the reason? Yeah. That is the reason. It's butter. Did you guys ever have something called, I think people call it like ambrosia salad. Oh, yeah. But we called it fluffy salad. And it's just like marshmallows, coconut, and like mayonnaise. Wait, what? That ain't the white flag ship of barbecue like side dishes. Yeah, we also called that, we called it cranberry fluff.

There we go. And it's off the chain. It's so gross. Yeah. Mayonnaise. Is it the mini marshmallows or the big marshmallows? The minis. Mini, but they're like wet. Yeah, I think I've had that. I think I've had that. They're like soggy and wet. That's when, when I was a kid, I would just get a tray of that. That would be like my go, when I went back for round two of Thanksgiving, I would just get a tray of that. And then I look back at photos and I was like, well, that's why I was a fat little kid.

Adam, have green beans. Come on. Just have a green bean. But even green beans in the Midwest, they cover it with cheese and then croutons and shit. Yeah, which is bomb. Yeah. It's delicious. Wait a second. Who are we bringing back? Who are we bringing back? I'll go. I'm really contemplating. Okay. Let's do two. Let's do a personal and then a celebrity or just do a celebrity. Let's just do a celebrity. Well, no. I don't know. We could talk about rhubarb pie. There might be some hot content there.

Well, I'll go with celebrity. Is Adolf Hitler, is he a celebrity? Come on, Jerse. Okay. Wait, hear me out. No. Okay.

We bring back Hitler. He goes, oh, my gosh. And his like Hispanic accent. Oh, my gosh. Thank you. Thank you so much for bringing me back. And I go, I go, look, Hitler, here's my plan. I'm going to fucking kill you again. Wait, hold on. Hold on. So you get to kill Hitler. I kill Hitler. And then everyone's like, yeah, let me let me put another another. What am I called? Have a parameter on this. You're just extending their life from when they're on Earth.

So they never passed away. They lived like 20 years on or 30 years on beyond when they passed away. Are you sacrificing anything to do this or that doesn't matter? You're changing the rules. I'm not doing it. No, I'm not saying like bring somebody from the past. Like, hey, oh, now all of a sudden fucking Gandhi's here. I'm saying like he didn't pass away at the time he wasn't lived on.

This isn't Bill and Ted. We're not transporting people from the past into our current future. Well, then what's the fun in that? Who gives a shit? Well, it's like who in your life did you see pass or somebody that you would want to change history or something? So with Hitler, Hitler, you could do that, but you can't kill him because you weren't alive. But I want. OK, you want to kill him like I want to kill you. You need to kill. You'd have to have like your grandpa would have to kill him.

I guess what I was just thinking, I was like, I guess where it all came from is I was thinking, man, it would have been freaking sick to still have like Jimi Hendrix around. I would have liked to hear old ass Jimi Hendrix like blues playing and see what kind of outfits that guy would be. Yeah. But are you afraid Jimi Hendrix would just suck? Do you afraid Jimi Hendrix would like.

all of a sudden be like the Charmin guy where he's like... Like he's sold out? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like he sells toothpaste. It's possible. But I'd like to think he would have been like a really cool...

of creativity to this day. I got a feeling that even he would have died again. Like, I think, like, it was wild times, man. People were just dying. Yeah. Yeah. Like, he dies the next day? Yeah. Yeah. Did he die of a heroin overdose or was that a ham sandwich or how did he go? No, he was asphyxiated in his sleep. Like, he puked and then just choked on his... Oh, because he was so fucked up? Yeah. Are you guys kind of surprised that that hasn't happened to

any of us. I cannot believe it. Oh, yeah. Like, I've had a few nights, like, not recently, a few weeks ago, no, like years ago, that were like, you wake up and you're in a parking lot or something. Well, this is like why I stopped drinking because I was so afraid of this. But even having thrown up in your sleep, I've done it like three or four times. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. And to be fair, I think a lot of the ways that that

Right.

your body will wake up to that. Like, holy fuck, what is happening? But when you have that stuff in your system, you just start like... You woke up every time, correct, Durs? Or did you wake up and there's just puke on your bed? The weirdest thing is I'm still asleep. Yeah, I... No, I would wake up the next morning and there'd be puke on my bed. So I must have been to the side. Sure, yes. But so that was like, you either woke up and noticed you were like... You're podcasting with a ghost. What?

Eat my ass. Eat my ass. Blake's the callback king on this cast. Dude, I need to get back in that improv zone, baby. Zip that, baby. I'm itching for callback.

It would be cool to see what Heath Ledger would have done. Shit, that's a good one. Yes, that's a good one. That's a really good one, dude. I think that would have been... That's probably my go-to. That'd be good. Well, I mean, the newest is Chadwick Boseman. Yep. That motherfucker was on the cusp of... I mean, he already was a superstar, but he could have been, like, a true legend. Yeah, he had next. You know? He was, like, up next, but...

And then, you know... Dude, RIP, man. RIP. Yeah, crazy. That shit's crazy that it was like four years, not in the making, but, you know, four years along. Wild shit. Yeah, dude. Damn, just like silently battling. It's just... It's terrible. If I get cancer...

Everyone will know. Oh, I know. That's what I was thinking too. I'm like, but he was silent about it and he just was filming all these movies and never once. I feel like I would not shut up about the cancer that I have. It would be at the top of- Hey, morning, Adam. What's up? Just battling cancer once again, just like I did yesterday. It's been 600 days with the cancer. I feel like I would not shut up about it.

about it. Can you tie my shoes real quick? It's just the cancer. I can't do it. I cannot do it. I'm curious as to I don't know. I haven't looked into why I guess he just wanted to like fucking just keep charging. Of course. Because he's like a way better dude than I am. I would make it about me for sure. And he was like, you know what? It's about the work. But I would have been like

I have to talk about myself for sure. That's crazy. Who else? Way back in the day. I'll do another one. If you, please hit us with it. Yeah. I mean, you brought it up just to blab on. Yes, because I did have one more. It was Chris Farley.

Did you see Beverly Hills Ninja? No, dude. If Chris Farley would have still been around, I got a feeling we would have been bros with that guy. Yeah, well, that is true. I feel like we would know Chris Farley now. The thing that, I mean, Durs, you were spot on. These guys, if you bring them back, they could

easily have the next weekend exploded their heart and that would have been it. But you also have the, there could have been, that could have been their rock bottom and they climb out and then they could have been a beacon for hope for everybody struggling. I'm saying you're extending their lives by 20 to 30 years. That's part of what I said. So they're not dying. You were saying that they die when they die after that. What are the rules? The rules are is they haven't died and you're extending their life to see what they could have accomplished for like. Yeah, but how many years?

So what, then they just don't die if they're like untouchable? So then they just die as an old person. Yes. And they're not dying. Okay. They're dying of old age. Yes. So they're immortal until 20 or 30 years. Hey, I love it. And I came with kind of a hacky game with the Fuck, Marry, Kill. And you came with an original game. And I love that. And thank you for doing it. And that's putting some thought into the pod, which I appreciate. But also, hey, think of these fucking robots.

rules before you bring it to the table. That's my bad. We should definitely talk it out. You haven't thought about it. Well, you know, I took a swing. Chris Farley, he's still alive. Has he lost all the weight? Like, is he straight edge? Does he look like Rob Lowe now, but like the saggy skin under the t-shirts? And he's all like...

straight edge and he's doing like drama. I don't want to know that. That is true. That would be cool to watch. That would be sick. Well, admittedly he did die like Kurt Cobain. Yeah. Kurt Cobain died at peak level.

Rock stardom and to, obviously we don't know him. We weren't friends with the guy. So I'm sure his friends are like, no, I'd love to see Kurt around for the next 40 years. But just as like a person in the public eye to die at that level and just be, and just be like the pinnacle of rock stardom. Yes. The impact, at least for like people, our generation and, you know, a slightly older, uh,

I feel that's the coolest. You wouldn't want to see Kurt Cobain then just selling Buicks, like with his next album. Right. You know what I'm saying? I don't know, man. You give these guys a second chance, you wonder what they're going to do because now when they die at peak performance in terms of fame, then they're sending a message.

which is tough for us to swallow because it's like, well, okay, let's just fucking go hard and you go as hard as you fucking can because that's what these guys did and you have to be okay with, hey, man, I might go, but at least I'm fucking peak performance and I'm getting what I want. That's kind of a fucked up message. Yeah. Hey, welcome to This Is Important. We're taking hard stances.

I want to kill Durs. But also most people, see, that's what pisses me off when people are like, oh, like I'm going to be a rock star. I'm going to be a comedian or an actor or whatever. So then I'm going to do tons of drugs and shit.

And you're like, well, the people that did the drugs that are the most famous, they're wildly talented. And they probably would have been even more creative and even had more to give if they did a little less drugs.

Some drugs, yeah, because drugs are fucking rad. Sure, but I also don't think everyone is doing these drugs to be a rock star. Some of them are self-medicating. That's true. That is true. I got two. And these are selfish because I just want to hear more music and see what they would do, but...

A Tribe Called Quest put out an album after Phife Dawg died and it was off the fucking Richter scale and validated everything I felt about Tribe in the 90s and then like had to sit around watching like

new rappers come out and be like, all right, he's okay. He's okay. But like, there's a lot of garbage out there. Tribe, tribe, tribe. And people are like, Oh, that's old shit. And then they dropped him out and it was dope. If he was back, I would love to see what that next time would be. MCA beastie boys died way too young. True. I would love to see what those guys would do and what he would do specifically like politically or whatever. Cause he was just like the fucking man who did like free Tibet concert, like,

way back in the day when he was hella young. That shit's cool. It didn't come off corny at all. Yeah. Yeah, man. He was like producing cool ass movies and like reaching out into the art world and just like... Oh, dude. Total weirdo. Yeah, yeah. Super dope. I agree with that. That would be sick to see MCA. Absolutely.

Oh man. Who else? I feel like, like Tupac would be cool. Sure. Just to see like, just his. Oh yeah. That's a good one. That is a good one. What would old man Tupac be? Yeah. Like he would be like the OG now. And to see him speak on everything that's happening now, uh,

I think would be very powerful. Really, really fucking cool. Yeah. Oh yeah. You see all of his clips coming up now and it's like, dude, this guy fucking, where are you now, man? Like that's would be awesome. I think it's hilarious that you guys think he's dead. Oh, well, that was my next question. Who's not actually dead? Oh, I want to see Bob Dylan.

He's alive. He's alive, Adam. Yeah, he just won like a Pulitzer, I think. Bob is still alive. What did he get? He got the Nobel Peace Prize and he just didn't show up for it? They were like, where are you? Peace Prize. Peace. Well, there's two folks that died...

But you didn't see them anyway, and that's Richard Pryor and then other dude, white dude from fucking Blazing Saddles. Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder. Dude. You didn't see them anyway, but I'm like, I still want them on this earth. That's true. Yeah, they're missed. They did live pretty late in life, though. Yeah.

Yeah, how old was Richard Pryor when he died? Pretty old. A while ago, he was 80-something? Yeah. Yeah, he just died a couple years ago, right? Yeah, but he, like, disappeared 30 years ago. Right. Yeah, I think he had some, I don't know, I would have to look into it. Yeah, Richard Pryor, he was only 65 years old when he died. That's crazy. And did he die of cancer? Was that what he died? Heart attack. Heart attack.

Jesus. Well, his heart was under attack. He lived. That guy, that guy lived a life. He, he definitely, when you see like 65, like on somebody like Richard Pryor, I mean, he must've had been sick beyond just the heart attack, but, uh,

And then you see, like, my dad is, like, going to be 65. And you're like, well, he doesn't seem that old. You know what I mean? Like, it just goes to show, like, I think my dad partied a lot when he was younger. But then you go, like, I bet Richard Pryor out-partied old Dennis D. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Even my dad. Oh, yeah. Parents are getting up there. Shit's getting real. I know. Who else? Who else do we get to bring back? That's it, man. It's cut off. The portal is closing. Oh, no. Is that how it works? Philip Seymour Hoffman. Philip Seymour Hoffman. I'd love to see him. Oh, I was thinking of that. Philip. Oh, yeah. Oh, no.

Reach out your hand, but the portal is closing. Oh, shit. You got sucked in, Kyle. Meet you at the crossroads. Yeah, Kyle, now you're over in that side. Oh, no! Guys, eat my ass! Eat my ass! On the other side, eat my ass! Kyle, he's on the other side. Eat my ass! I can hear him at night. Sweetheart, it was Kyle.

Right.

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You know what just came on the beach? I was working out. I work out on the beach. No big deal. Get him. And I'm an athlete. Get him. Not a big deal. It was just randomly playing on my iTunes or whatever, and the Wizards popped up. Oh. Oh. Nice. I remember those guys. Those guys rock. They were cool. Yeah, they were tight. If you guys remember the Wizards, they were a

Pretty popular musical beings from another realm in the early 2000s. I believe the album came out in 2008 or 9. I think it was in 8 or 9. Handsome guys. Handsome guys. Great beards. Really good looking guys. And they're on Spotify. You can look them up. You can get it on iTunes. Are they? I don't think you can get it on iTunes. I looked it up. It was Gaon. Oh, really? Yes. Yes.

It was stripped. Okay, well, I do know that it is on Spotify. ARN Entertainment, huh? Uh-huh. We got a bone to pick with you. Yeah, something like that. Here's something. Oh, wait, guys, the portal's opening up, and Zelda's entering my body. Holy shit. Young Zelda. What's up, guys? Do you remember how cool it was when the wizards performed at South by Southwest at that workaholics' house party? That was insane.

Oh, my God. That was tight. Young Zell, you sound so similar. Yeah, dude. It's insane. What was so cool about that house party is we, the Workaholics guys, were performing. We had a giant party after season one of Workaholics.

There was like 10,000 people on the guest list. Only 500 people could fit inside this house. So we're having this huge house party. There's a line like literally like four or five blocks long. The length of Austin, Texas. And Austin, Texas for South by Southwest. And a goddamn magical portal opens up from a completely different realm of...

within the universe, and out comes three gangster rapping wizards. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four.

And what it wasn't was the four of us going into an alley, changing into out of our clothes and putting on a wizard costume again in an alley and then going back into this house party backyard. It wasn't. It definitely wasn't Freddie Gibbs, the famous rapper. Freddie Gibbs looked on watching the four of us. Oh, my God. Change.

into wizard costumes. It definitely wasn't currency smoking a blunt.

ask us what we were doing yeah that was that party was the shit yeah dude that party so i drank we drank beer for 12 hours yep and it was so hot and sweaty i didn't go to the bathroom once i just pissed myself it just no it just came out of my body yeah i i didn't understand it uh

Yeah, that's – I remember like wanting – feeling bad that people were coming into the party. We had this crazy huge guest list. Only 500 people could come into the party and people weren't leaving at the rate that we thought they were going to be. We thought they'd come in for 30 minutes, grab a few beers, meet us.

Hit the road. But people were coming in and staying for four or five hours. So there wasn't the turnaround that we wanted. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to go and I'm going to toss beers to people in the crowd that are in line waiting out front. And I go out there holding multiple beers with my shirt tied around my head. And I hop on the back of this guy's motorcycle and I'm tossing beers out to people and chugging a Lone Star. And the cop just grabs me and is like, man, I do not want to arrest you right now. Right.

I will because this is an insane thing to do. But you can't, obviously. Obviously, you can't chug a beer on the back of a motorcycle and pass out beer to random, possibly teenagers. We don't know. We're not checking IDs. Yeah.

And that was the level, that was the type of party it was. It was fucking awesome. And remember when Lee... Trash Talk? Trash Talk climbed the fucking tree? I totally remember that. That was incredible. Yeah, that was insane. So Lee, what's Lee's last name, Blakers? Spielman. Spielman.

Lee Spielman. Spielman, mate. Spielman. Of Trash Talk fame. So, lead singer of Trash Talk, he climbs this, like, you know, giant tree in this backyard and jumps out of the tree, and then kids are climbing up the tree and diving out, stage diving, but essentially out of, like, a 30-foot tree, and they were, the owner of the

The house was like, no, we're going to cancel the party. Yeah, they fucking shut it down. We're shutting it down. And I also have a very funny video of that party of my dad because my dad came. Do you remember he comes? Oh, that's right. Yes, with his buddy. Yeah. And they were so sunburned. Scotty. Scotty. Scotty the body. They pull up. My dad was fishing in Mexico and is like,

Hey, are you doing... I do a great impression on my dad. Hey, so you're in Austin, Texas, right? Yeah. You're doing that house party thing where bands and shit, right? And I'm like, uh-huh. We'll be there in 30 minutes. And I'm like...

huh? And they, they were, they were fishing and they just timed it right where they were driving through Austin, Texas and they pull up. You've never seen more sunburned people. Oh my God. It was insane. Scotty. Yeah. Scotty was like peeling like, like there were five layers. So it was my dad. Like their skin was, was peeling off of their, their face. They were, they looked like fruit leather. Yeah.

It was insane. They looked like Freddy Krueger. They looked horrific. They looked terrifying. And my dad was just having the best time of his life. And like I called him out. Like the first time we went on stage to introduce the first act, I was like, hey, guys, we're going to have a great time, blah, blah, blah.

My dad is in the audience right there. Dennis Devine and his best friend, Scotty, the body, uh, show them a good time. And then these like 22 year old girls were just grinding on my dad for like, hello. He was having the best time of his life. And I remember videotaping him towards the end of the night. These girls are like hilariously booty shaking on my dad. And my dad, uh, sees me recording him. And,

he's like yeah baby and then he realizes that I'm recording and he goes no no no no no no no

And I'm like, why? Why not? He like grabs the camera. He's like, don't tell your mother. He started crying immediately. As if he was fucking these girls. And then I talked to my mom like the next day. And then my mom immediately, which I think he must have been like, I got to get ahead of this. Because he was like. Jesus.

DMZ. I call my mom and she said, oh, so I guess your dad had a good time. 22 year old girls were booty shaking on him.

And I'm like, yeah, I guess so. And she's like, ooh, sounds like a good time. Like, wasn't worried about it at all. Because she probably saw his face and realized no 22-year-old girl would ever want to sleep with this guy. His face burned off a 50-year-old man. I had a chance. I swear I had a chance. Dude, Austin, Texas, what a place. It's awesome.

So that guy, the body, remember the body? And that night we all like somehow made it back to that big place that we were staying in that big house and we couldn't find Scotty. Yeah. They're like, where's Scotty? Where, where is Scotty? He was nowhere to be found in the house.

And then we finally go out to the truck and he's sleeping like just... Corpse. Straight up. Like sitting just in the chair. Sitting in the driver's seat. Yeah. Yep. And then for the rest of the night, we just smoked a bunch of joints and we're like, we found the body. We found the body. We found the body. And then the next day, my dad woke up at like a superhuman time. Yes. Like we all woke up at like noon or, you know, because we're all hung over as shit. My dad, who partied just as hard as us...

We're already four hours on the road. They like woke up at like 8 a.m. or 7 a.m. or whatever and just got on the road. And I talked to my dad later. I'm like, so did Scotty the body ever come in and like get a good night's rest? And he goes, no, you just put the seat upright and we hit the road. Yeah.

definitely still drunk for sure he was still drunk without a doubt how many duis are done in the morning like there's got to be a significant amount of duis in the morning oh that's probably a decent stat i love wait hang on a second a significant amount yeah yeah compared to what how many are done at night i don't know like or what you think

I think that there's some. I think there's a significant amount at night. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. There's got to be an ample amount of DUIs. I will say this. I'm not going to name names, but I have a friend who got a DUI on the way to school on like a late day. Jeez. Yeah, but who was it? I don't believe you. Allegedly. Not allegedly. I'm not saying it.

We had these days like every month where there'd be like, it was called the B day. Students came like an hour and a half late because the teachers all had like a meeting. So parents would be gone from their house because they go to work. And we just go to somebody's house and drink Big Bear 40s. And then my friend totally got a DUI and everyone's like, he was drunk at 930 in the morning. Like parents are freaking out. You're like, that's crazy. Like maybe he's got an issue.

That's wild as you're just swallowing gum hole. That's so crazy, dude. Who was it, man? That's so crazy. Yeah, we used to do some of that. We had an A, B day as well, and it was like block scheduling. So you would have like – if you had two blocks off in the middle of the day, which I had my senior year, and then launches in the – you had like four and a half hours off in the middle of the day. So we would go play like beer dice –

At my friend's house. And then if you lost, you ended up chugging like six or seven beers within like an hour. And then you have to go back to your class. And I lost and had to chug six or seven beers. Got back to class and I was a yearbook photographer. So my last class of the day was journalism. And I get in there and she was like, can I talk to you? And I'm like, what's up? And she said that I... What's up? Yeah, what's up? What's up?

And she's like, I'm going to fail you because you're not taking enough photos of like the chess club. And you're only taking photos of varsity football and varsity basketball. And I'm like, well, yeah, those are the fun things to take photos of. And don't worry, I'm going to get around to all the bullshit stuff. Cool guy. You said bullshit.

Don't worry about it. But it was my senior year. So, you know, you know, I know what I'm doing. And she's like, no, I'm, I will, uh, on the midterms, I'm going to give you a, uh,

uh, a D and I'm like, no, you're not. And she's like, and I've already called your mother. You're drunk with power. Yeah. And, and she's like, you, she already called my mother. And so I'm like recently 18, like it turned 18, like a month ago. And so I was like, I am a man. You talk to me. You do not call my mother. You do not call Penny. You talk to Adam. Cause I am a man. Oh,

Oh my god.

I'm still drunk. I think I fucked up. The teacher who I got into his class, and for sure the yearbook teacher probably could tell I was drunk. This guy, we found out later, was a total alcoholic. He for sure knew I was just fucking wasted. And he was like, yes, you can be an AP psychologist.

And I got in advanced psychology just drunk as hell. Get in here, buddy. You could be in this class. You can do it. Hey, we're going to figure out the psyche together. Come on, take a swig of this. Let me check my books. Sure.

You could be advanced. You look advanced to me. You're advanced as hell to me, bro. Could you be advanced in my pants? Yeah. He was a cool teacher, though. He would do cool stuff where, like, we're pretty sure he's the one that smoked weed in the hallway. And he'd call the whole class out in the hallway and be like, hey, you guys, what's the smell? Oh.

That's tight. This dude's playing with fire. That's weed. And he's like, yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, everybody back in. We're going to watch a video about the effects of hallucinogens on the brain. What? Yeah, and then you're watching and you're like... Black Sabbath video? Yeah.

And my buddies that are in the class were like, obviously he's the one that smoked the weed or else it wouldn't have lined up with his curriculum so perfectly. Do you smell that? Wait, he would smoke weed and then be like, come out here and smell. This guy was like begging to get caught. Just come in here. Watch this. Pretty fucking cool. Yeah.

Yeah, he was cool. He was cool. We would invite him to our, like, you know, how you have graduation parties when you graduate. And we'd invite him to those graduation parties. And he would come and fucking pound beers with our parents. Sounds kind of sad.

That's tight. Damn, bro. When I went back home for like the 4th of July parade, I saw one of my old teachers at the parade just hammered. And we did not get along. But he was probably a cool guy and I was like a piece of shit. And he was like, hey, you. And I'm like, oh, hey, what's up? This is like a couple years out of college. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I live in LA. He goes...

Pussy. And he was like, me? Divorced. Doesn't matter. And I was like, oh, okay. And now I'm like, this dude's fucking tight. Yeah, so now this guy fucking rules. Divorced. Doesn't matter. I never loved her anyways. All right. I was like, you're a human now, dude. Let the guard down. And then he plays Mary Fuck Kill with Mary Fuck Kill and you and two friends of yours from high school. You're like, what? You don't have to do this.

We gotta go, mister. I would have fucked you. Just so you know. I wanted to fuck you. Yeah, I could tell. I gotta go. Eat my ass! Eat my ass! And with that, are there any callbacks, takebacks, apologies, or compliments? The callbacks is a new one. I like that. Well, there's a lot of callbacks. There's eat my ass. Any of your favorite jokes? Yeah. Here.

One of the favorite jokes we'd like to talk about. Anything that came up? Well, I will say regarding Fuck, Marry, Kill, zero apologies. Okay. Yeah. No, that's just how we feel. And that's just deep seated. And we obviously, it seems like we want to fuck me the most. And I will compliment Blake on what a fun game.

What famous person that's dead would you bring back? That's a great idea. Thanks, man. Well, it sucks that you went first because I was also going to compliment Blake on having that fun game. Not all the rules were hammered out, and that was part of the fun about it is we were figuring it out as we're going, and this is why this cast is fully casted. That's right, baby. That's it, Adam. You nailed it right on the head with that one.

The cast of casting, baby. Dude, we're casting away. Caught one. Speaking of casting and casting a fishing line, I'd like to compliment Dennis Devine on his party attitude when we were in South by Southwest like 10 years ago. Big shout out to Dennis. And also his ability to get up in the morning and handle his biz and go home to his wife after grinding with 22-year-olds. I think that was...

Just compliments to the chef. I hope my parents listen to this together and they get in an argument 10 years after the fact. They will. They will. It all checks out. Yeah. Anybody who gets a Burley, shout out to you. Yeah. And, you know, I originally I was going to apologize for not having the rules hashed out to my game. But after hearing your guys is...

praise for me. I really appreciate it. I won't apologize for that and I will continue to think of zany games with rules, I guess. And that is important. Alright, see you next week on This is Important.

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