Ep 80: The Guys Mostly Sing Bare Naked Ladies
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Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about... Did anybody beat off in a glass elevator? She didn't want to see it hard, she just wanted to see it get hard. We put it on everything, and then we call it the flavor enhancer. Doctors, brazzers, whoever. ♪

Here we go. Start your engines. Powerful opening.

It's a powerful opening, gentlemen. What a week it's been. It's been one week since you looked at me. I love that track. Bare Naked? Is that Bare Naked? Keep going. That's Bare Naked, ladies. How much of that song can you do? Chickadee China. Chickadee China, the Chinese chicken. You have a drumstick and your brain's so sticking. Watch the next file, see the lights on. Chickadee China.

And then it kind of fades out. Is one of the lyrics watching X-Files? I didn't love that song. I did not love that one. Oh, wait. Yeah, hold on.

That seems like an Adam song. Yeah. One million percent. Right. Dude, it definitely seems like it should have been up my alley. You might want to revisit that. Like, that's a homecoming dance solo Adam Devine song come on situation. Yes, ma'am. Here's what it was. Here's what it was.

Basically, it was co-opted by another kid. It was his song, and he was always... Oh, the nemesis. He was always doing it. And admittedly, it was pretty annoying when he did it, so it turned me off on the song. I dodged that bullet. Move, Adam. I'm trying to watch him dance. I would have been the annoying guy doing it. I know I would have.

So I'm glad I dodged that bullet. They just wheeled you down the stairs. They're like, you can't dance. Just push your wheelchair down the stairs to go watch this other movie. Well, they know I could dance. They know I could dance because they've seen me at different dances and weddings, and they know that the talent scouts are out there. This is getting dark. I'm sorry we said it. Hey, I got a history of taking off my shirt. I don't know what happened.

Yummy. Oh, man. Dude, that is the most Canadian-ass song, and Canada loves Barenaked Ladies. They perform at Olympics. We put that song in Shadows with season three when the vampires were trying to be human. And it was just so funny. Some fantastic scenes with that song. I got a history of taking off my shirt. It's a funny song. It's a funny song. It's not my favorite song.

There's three quotes. We know it's got a weird spot in your life. I feel like it was them and...

Bloodhound Gang were going at it for funniest. Bloodhound Gang was super funny. Way better. Well, Bloodhound Gang is do it like animals or mammals, right? Yeah, yeah. Discovery Channel. Do it like we do on the Discovery Channel. Was it? I feel like they were both like, it was like a time before Irony, right? Is that what it was? People were actually liking those songs. No, Blake. Irony is as old as time.

Okay. It wasn't before irony. The time before irony. No, it was, dude. You thought pre-1998 and...

Irony didn't exist? Okay, yes. Adam bit the apple as a joke. I'm aware that irony existed, but it wasn't popular. I'm eating the apple as a bit. Nobody was rocking... Actually, I don't know. Kyle, you wore a Coco Puff shirt from Hot Topic. Was that ironically? Was that the birth of irony? With Kyle and his Coco Puff station? Well, I think more like the Spam shirt was probably...

More like the Spam Sherp was the birth of that. Spam Sherp was the birth of that. Maybe we're the generation that really embraced the ironic nature of consumerism. Yeah, of course. The Spam Sherp was just like a hot topic now.

go-to shirt i feel like that one was was marked down it went from like 1999 to to 1399 and you were like hey i'll fucking snag that no but the thing about that was is that nobody likes spam so to be rocking that on your shirt is like people like a shirt with like shit on it or something no not a lot of people like spam no blake is right freaking state of hawaii loves spam right

But by and large... And also, to be real, when I wore that, I liked Spam. I used to wear that shirt, and I actually dug eating Spam, fried or straight out of the can. It was fucking bump. So not ironic at all. So not ironic for you. It wasn't ironic. It wasn't. Now that I think about it, when we walk back, that was just like a real genuine love. What just happened? No. What just happened? You're like, you know, people don't like Spam. Hawaii likes it. Actually, I like it. You lose. Be quiet.

Shut up, bitch. No, but we're getting to the bottom of it because you're right. Like, I mean, I wore it. It was a funny shirt, but I did actually like spam and it was funny to wear spam. Weird Al was like, spam is that place where I want. Okay. Okay. It all goes back to Weird Al. It was in the parody universe. It was in Hot Topic because people were buying it to be funny, like ironically, and it

It was a nice navy blue, if I recall. Well, sure. Yeah. I mean, I used to wear like vintage t-shirts that I would find at like thrift stores of like a, like Sadie Hawkins dance from like 1983. Yeah. Like old t-shirt that I'm like, this is kind of funny. You know, I'm being ironic. Cool. I'm laughing. I'm laughing. Can we really just make this the freaking Hot Topic episode? Because Hot Topic held it down so fucking hard.

Oh, yeah. Hot Topic was the spot. We didn't have Hot Topic. What? We didn't have it either. What? I did not even know what Hot Topic was. I'm pissed now. We had a version of that. What was your Spencer's? It was called Spencer's Gifts. But that was birthed after Hot Topic, I feel. Well, yeah, in California, but not in the Midwest. And then we also had Gadzooks was like this sort of like kooky...

dumb shirts with like all the Marilyn Manson kids would hang out there with like stockings on their arms. At Kooky's? No, it was called Gadzooks. It was called Gadzooks. Oh, Gadzooks. It was like Kooky. Gadzooks, Gadzooks. You got your take back, okay? Yeah. Don't offend me. What the fuck, Blake? I'm sorry for calling Gadzooks Kooky's. In the last episode, you said that I was a scab.

Oh, yeah. You said that last week, right? That was last week. Yeah, last week. And then this week, you're saying that it was cookies, too? I'm sorry. That's my bad. I'm pissed now. So wait. Both you guys, Adam and Anders, I have a question for you gentlemen. Adam and Anders.

Adam and Anders have a question. You did not set foot into a hot topic until you came out to California? Is that how I'm supposed to... I would bet that Ders has never been in a hot topic to this day. I was just going to say. Yeah.

They didn't sell salmon-colored polos in Hot Topic. No, but they did sell Beastie Boys shit. I remember them having ground. Dude, Hot Topic used to be fucking sick. Hunters? Then you'd love it. No, because they had real official Grand Royale shit. I believe that, but this is the worst part, is that they put that next to the Limp Bizkit t-shirts. The worst part? This is a little bit. What's wrong with Limp? Yeah, motherfucker. The worst part? Wait a second. What the?

You heard me. Fuck you. This was even a little bit before Limp Bizkit started to peak out. Chocolate starfish. We had none of these stores near me at all. You didn't have anybody representing Alternative Rock where you lived? We had mom and pop stores in my town. Ew. We didn't really have... There wasn't a mall. Gross. Gross.

Yuck. Was it like a skate shop or something? Like a mom and pop skate shop? There was head shops that had band t-shirts and stuff. Okay. Wow. We had a downtown. We didn't have a mall. There was no cookies or

Gadzooks. Gadzooks. Gadzooks. I'm sure it's there now. There was nothing really super corny. It was like a downtown where you had like... This stuff isn't corny. It wasn't corny. That's what I'm trying to explain to you guys. Oh yeah, Gers grew up in the most uncorny place. No, he's talking about the corn shirts. I'm sorry. I know how corny this place is. I'm trying to tell you guys. The Beastie Boys shirts are next to the corn shirts. That's fucking dope. No, when...

When Hot Topic was hot... Freak on a leash. It wasn't corny, dude. Thank you. Right? Yes, it was. No, it was not corny. It wasn't punk rock, but it was like...

close punk adjacent. Yeah. Well, see, Blake, dude, you were the age that you thought it was cool. Exactly. Sure. Drip candles. That's all it was. You thought it was cool. You were 13 years old and you go in and then there's teenagers who are working there who are 16. With spiky hair, with Knox gelatin. Dyed hair, cool colors. And they have like a lip piercing and spiky hair and you're like, oh shit, these guys are cool. And then you get to a certain age and then you realize, oh,

Nah. And look, if that's what you have, that's fine. Okay. It's fine. I've never seen him this mad before. To be real. To be real. I mean, to be, one of the best moments was when I went to my hometown Hot Topics on Valley Mall and saw the free Carl shirt on the wall. That was an amazing moment for me personally. And one where I was like, all right, I did it. That's it. That's it. Yes.

That is insane. It's like returning from whence you were born. That was a beautiful moment for sure. That is a beautiful moment in your life. And when I put on the full Ders regalia and went and stood in a J.Crew like a mannequin and nobody batted an eye, game changer moment for me. Yeah, and I'm not here to talk shit on that. Which I would do on weekends.

I'm not here to talk shit on that. That's beautiful to me. Man, I just feel like Hot Topic was a cultural... I guess it is real, though, because we could have easily gone to Berkeley. We could have drove into, like, gone to Berkeley and probably got our mind blown. You're not going to. Which we did. Do you think there's a Hot Topic in Berkeley? No. That's what I'm saying. I know what you mean. It's a suburban, like... We were sheltered. Cherry-picked kind of...

you know, what is going to be cool. It's very suburban. I feel like even though you were Midwestern and I grew up in the Midwest, I feel like Concord and Omaha, Nebraska is closer. We had more of a similar adolescence growing up. I feel like it was very suburban. Yeah.

Just sort of big box stores, every sort of chain restaurant you could imagine. And I love it. Right. Like, I remember when Taco Bell came to my town. What? Like, there wasn't that. There were only a handful of fast food restaurants. Thank you, God. And like, as I got older and as I'm now an old man. Fourth meal. There's all sorts of chain stuff there now.

I guess what was wild about where Kyle and I grew up is if we wanted to get on BART, we could go to San Francisco, Oakland. We could head out to Berkeley. It was just like we were so young. Was anybody doing that? Because that's all we did. We would just get on the L and ride into the city for like two hours before dinner. What?

Not really. We weren't shooting there and back unless we were going to strip club. I mean, seriously. Or to an A's game, but other than that. Yeah, but that's when you were like 18, but when you were like 16. No, 11 and 12, dude.

No, I'm talking to Kyle. Oh, them. You would ride the train when you were 11 and 12? Yes. That's awesome. Yeah. In middle school, that's all we did. That's cool. That seems so dangerous. What is the L train like, Bart? Is it the same type of setup? What's the deal? Yeah, what's the deal? Please explain the train. Yeah, you just go down the train. Can you tell me? What is it? What makes it cost like a buck or whatever? It was a buck. Back.

then? Why do they call it the L? Because it's elevated? What is it called? It's called the CTA, Chicago Transit Authority, the L. That's the band Chicago, but we'll move past that. Okay. Why do they call it the L train? Why is that? Because it's elevated. Oh, shit. I know.

So it is like BART. BART's elevated as well. Oh, so it's E-L. So why do they call it the BART? Because it's the Bay Area Rapid Transit. Oh. Pizza, pizza. So is yours like Elevated Rapid Transit? Is our smartest episode yet? Yeah. It's very rapid. Shout out to the purple line. Is it electric? Is it electronic? Yeah, that's right. Third rail.

Dude, yeah. Okay, same. All right. And you were riding that in middle school. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Dope, dude. That's dope. That shit's important. That's great. What would you do? We would go to like, there'd be stores that like the older kids would tell you about and you just go down into the city and fucking buy pipes and fucking- Yeah, smoking weed. Band t-shirts. Like, what was this place called? There was a place called The Alley. Yeah.

There we go. Okay, so that was your hot topic. Off Belmont? Yeah, but it was like a legit... Record store probably or something like that. Head shop record store, like all the above. And you would just go in there and steal hacky sacks.

Put them right out of business. That was the move. Yeah, just getting that hacky sack. Put them right out of business. If you ever spent money on a hacky sack, you're a bitch. You've got to steal that shit. You've got to steal that shit. For sure. There was like a sick army surplus where you'd go in there and find some like fucking dope clothes. Army surplus goes hard. They had a legit New Balance collection there. I mean, there were cool... There were like...

which was like a cool record store in Omaha. But for the most part, especially when we were like younger, like 14, 15. And then by the time we were 16, we were driving around and just basically finding ways to get drunk and stoned. But yeah, you figured it out.

When we were younger, it was just like you would just go to the mall and just try to wreak as much havoc as you possibly could. Straight up mall rats, dude. Do they still exist? You were allowed to hang at the mall. That was like, you just couldn't leave the mall. You get dropped off there and you're there for two hours and you hit the Cinnabon, the Hot Topic, the fucking whatever, bro. Yeah, and you're just there for a few hours. Fucking mall rats. I had one friend who

his mom dropped us off at a mall and it was, we went up to, we went, hit Sbarro for the first time when I was like nine. Nine years old. That seems so young. Oh my God. And there was like a,

a glass elevator for the first time? Oh my God. What the hell? This glass elevator. I'm a generation X. So it's just different. You're like a real working elevator. It's not a pulley system. But listen, where's the operator? It was their glass elevators in 1989 or whatever.

Or 1990, a glass elevator was like a whole new thing. Yeah, you're not wrong. That was cool. Like when you could see yourself going up and down, that's fucking sick. What are you guys, 80 years old? I'm just saying, bro. Shut the fuck up, Blake. Blake, shut the fuck up.

Blake, shut the fuck up. You're as old as all of us, okay? We're the same age. And the fact that you can't understand and put your mind in a place where you can get off on a fucking glass elevator, bro. Blake has been swallowing his teenage Kool-Aid for too long where he's like, I was just, I was actually, I'm only 14 years old right now. Right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is what I'm saying. Never in my life did I- My hat has an A's upside down.

I grew up loving Lil Yachty and Lil Sam. Those are my boys. Hey, shout out Lil Sam. No, dude, I never had it in my mind. Kodak Black is actually a huge influence on me coming up. I never blocked a fucking glass elevator. That was just an elevator. Wait, no, fuck off. What the fuck are you talking about? I remember seeing it and having my mind blown. Fuck you, dude. What? What?

No, I'm with the three of us right here. This is fucking actually making me upset. I remember being at a Doubletree. Fire! I remember being at a Doubletree in Waterloo, Iowa as a young boy. And it was like a big lobby in a glass elevator that would go right up the middle. And I remember just being like, this is fucking...

fucking insane. The future. Lincolnwood Town Center. I'm like, why don't they make all elevators like this? It's not even about, it's like it doesn't even matter when it came out. You know what I mean? Like right now, I could get on a glass elevator and watch myself go up and fucking see it. And I'm like, this is dope. I'm being risen by a mechanized

I'm being risen. Kyle, I'm with you. I'm with you. Kyle was raised by a glass elevator. I'm with you, but something was a little different in the early 90s when the glass elevators really came on the scene. Blake, I don't know how you're not getting involved with this, dude. We're talking the 90s, man. Oh, man.

Glass elevators. Did anybody beat off in a glass elevator? Bro, you could spy on people in the glass elevators when you would see a couple making out and you'd be on the floor and you're like, they're making out in the elevator. Oh my God. You just have to beat off. You should have beaten off.

Bro, you're beating off. Thank you, God. That's the first glass elevator I was in. The first one I ever saw was in Commando starring Arnold Schwarzenegger when he's in the chase scene in the mall. Mind-blower. Why do you guys have such a fucking memory for glass elevators? Because it was the future, dude. Yeah, this is big shit right here. It was like seeing an iPhone. It seemed unsafe and yet it was safe.

I just did it wasn't something that amazed me or tickled my fancy. That's weird. I liked Hot Topic. Dude, I just I miss mall culture. It's been so long since I've been in a mall where it just like everything sort of just smells like the Popcornopolis.

Or the pretzels, the Wetzel pretzels. Wetzel pretzels still is such a fucking hammer, dude. It's heartburn. Did you guys fuck up? There was Orange Julius that was like the staple of our mall. It was right on the corner. It was right next to a Mrs. Fields. We didn't have one. And that Orange Julius was just fucking banging. That was the move. You get an Orange Julius, you get a Mrs. Fields cookie, and you take a couple hot laps, dude. My move would be I would see a bunch of hot chicks,

And then I was the one that was brave enough to go talk to them. But they wouldn't say that I was into them because I was too chicken shit to do that. And I'd go up and be like, hey, what's up, cute girls? My friends over there like you. And then my friends would end up talking to them.

And then my friends would end up making out with them in like a changing room at a JCPenney. Okay, so yes, the mall would be the place where, because usually when you were in high school or junior high or whatever, the girls you talked to were the girls you went to school with.

but the mall was where all the schools came to one place. So you would see girls, I was like boys and girls that you didn't see every day at school. You'd be like, man, these guys are handsome from that other school. We can't compete. Dude, I remember this very,

Vividly. Look at those flat brims. I met this girl that went to a different middle school, right? We were in eighth grade. Go off. And we were talking, and then we became AOL buddies, and we would instant message each other, right? Oh, damn. And then she told me that she wanted to see my penis. Oh, damn. Get hard.

Goodbye. What? She wanted to see it get hard. And you were like, it's already hard. She's like, I really want to see. Wait, she didn't want to see it hard. She wanted to see it get hard? She wanted to see it get hard. She wanted to watch it go from soft to hard. Did you tell her, no, you don't want to see that? No, no, no. She's probably like a scientist now, huh? She's a scientist? It was kind of exciting. It was kind of exciting. Science.

And then we saw each other. She's a scientist probably now. Yeah, it was cool. I'm sure she's a doctor or scientist or something. Yeah. It's very interesting to watch it change. I think she's probably on the forefront. Uh, uh, Fauci probably, uh,

Danielle Fauci. Then we saw her at a soccer tournament. And I remember thinking, and she came up and was talking to me. And then I remember thinking the whole time, like, she's going to want to see my tag team.

Like at this. It's science. It is. At this soccer tournament. Like she really, she was like, it's me like trying to like wiggle it in my jeans to try to like make sure it's not going from completely. Not hard? Why were you wearing jeans at a soccer tournament? You played soccer in jeans? I wasn't playing. I wasn't playing. It was my friends were playing. He was there scooping ladies. Wow. That's a really good friend. Yeah. And then obviously nothing happened, but things could go down at the mall.

I had friends make out with girls at JCPenney changing rooms. Things could happen. What? That's cool. That's cool. Oh, that was way cool. I definitely feel like I missed out. Yeah. You didn't do mall culture? No, we just didn't have one. I mean, there was one another town over, but you would go there to go see movies and that was kind of it. Or like to go shopping with your mom because that was like the department store.

in malls was very weird for me. We didn't have that growing up. Those were separate. So once I started seeing movies in malls, I did not understand that. You had to toe the line there? I did not get that. You didn't understand it? Not for me. No, they were separate. Wait, what? Yeah, those are separate things. Do I have to shop? That should be a Dillard's. Yeah, it just seems like it's...

Yeah, it doesn't make sense. It seems like you don't want to spend like six hours at the mall watching a movie and... Lord and Taylor and movies? Yeah, no. JCPenney and movies? No, this is not happening. That's not good.

Right.

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The movies at the mall, I liked because then your mom could go, like when you were young, and she could just drop you at the movie. Yes.

And then she's like, okay, they're going to go watch Ninja Turtles or whatever. Damn! Clueless. And then you could sneak into some older shit and you could go watch some more R-rated shit. Oh, movie hopping. Goddamn. Because she's not there with you. And she would bail to go to her JCPenney's to try on her blouses.

or get her hair did or whatever she was doing at the mall and then you're able to go get your fucking freak on, baby. She was at Red Robin drinking. Yeah, just pounding. Your mom was, she was just having a coffee at the Barnes and Noble Starbucks. Oh, damn. I love the Barnes.

good barns and really wear them down. We're talking about a time pre-Starbucks by the way, which is fucking insane to think about. Okay, what? Come on. I remember getting taken on my first Starbucks date by a junior when I was a freshman. She was like, let's go get a Frappuccino. And I was like, yeah, for sure. I don't know what that means. She was like, it's called Starbucks. It's really cool. She takes me. I go there and she's like,

Here, it's a call the frappuccino. I drink it. I hate coffee, obviously still to this day. And was like, I'm good. And she was like, what? And I just like ruined the date.

I think I dated her for like two months before she was like, this guy sucks. Wait, what do you mean dated her? Like you guys just like... Yeah, what is dating? Wait, hold on. Wait, so let's rewind this back a little bit. She was a junior and you were a freshman? This is like a pretty big move here. Yeah, that's huge. Dude, it was crazy. She would pick me up to take me to swim practice. I think I might have been like a little boy toy for her. I don't know. Weird, wild stuff. In the morning? Yeah.

Yeah. Was she a babe? Or when you look back, are you kind of like, she was a little bit of a treasure troll? Or you don't want to throw any shade on her? Sure. I haven't seen her for a while, but she was... She was stacked. Okay.

Yeah, I can't read them. Perfect. I'm having trouble reading them. She was pretty hot. Yeah, I don't know. There we go. Wait, so wait. Yeah, Ed did float. I didn't know where he was going to go with that. I would say, is she a little bit of a treasure trolling? He was like...

I was like, what? She was a... She was a... I was getting... From like older guys, I was getting a lot of like... You? Nods. Like, no, no, no. Not nod. It was kind of more like, what the fuck is... Huh? You? Why? Wait, are we allowed to ask? We can edit this out. Were you guys banging? No. No. You could say that nicer next time, Blake. Let's go. You know what I mean?

Okay. Use a different word or something that's just bleh. Were you guys making love? Thank you. Yeah, let's just put some love back into this. No, but coincidentally, this is the Discovery Zone story? Yeah. Same person. Discovery Zone? Yeah.

So what do you think it was? Why was she interested in young Dersy? Because you did have a mouth full of gangly teeth. Great ass! Come on, Dersy's personality is fantastic. Yeah, I don't know. His personality is... Yeah, when she gave him coffee, he was like, mmm.

Nah, I don't like freshmen. I mean, were you in like a class with her? Yeah, he was a young gentleman. He was a young man who spoke his mind. I'm just saying, Kyle, I'm not, you know, a freshman to junior is a big leap. I know. You're right. I've forgotten. Sorry. There were two things that put me around upperclassmen. The first was as a freshman, I was...

in the like the all school comedy show and there's only like yamo that's right shout out yamo and there's only the name of the store adam there's like three or four freshmen and then that's it there's way more sophomores juniors and seniors right so you're kicking it with seniors and juniors and going to their parties and stuff okay so you're kind of in their their social circles a little bit yeah i have a similar story yeah we were in the improv crew and that's how i met all like the seniors and shit yeah

And then as far as like swimming, I was also like one of the fastest guys as a freshman. Okay, go off. So you got that jock mode. All right. Let's go. It's a funny hunk. That's so wild, though. Well, I had the theater and the jock mode. Yeah. Mine was student council and drama and improv and that kind of stuff.

That's how I got to know older kids. You were getting your frappuccinos? No, I was – no girls liked me for sure. I was like the little crippled kid. But older kids definitely wanted to get me drunk. Like that I think was like people was like it would be hilarious if we got divine drunk. So I was always that like freshman kid that they would take to senior parties. That's illegal, but yeah.

And everyone was... Allegedly! The difference between a freshman and a senior is... Starts with the penis. It starts with the penis.

It definitely started at the beginning. Yeah, that is crazy. Because you can have 13. Your boobs are huge. I was such a child, and they're like 18-year-old kids teaching me how to beer bong. Can you be 13 when you start high school? Is that a thing, or are you 14 pretty much? You can be eight. Well, if you're smart. Yeah, Doogie Howser. Yeah, if you're a freaking genius. Yeah. I wasn't. I wasn't. That was not my affliction. So, okay.

I think I was 14. And that's why you never rocked a flicker. It is wild that you mentioned that, Durst, because I kind of forgot that we did kind of see the birth of coffee shops in our neighborhood, too. I remember we had this place called Mocha Lisa's. Oh, so this is cool to you, but the glass elevators is not? No, dude.

It was really weird. No, no. There's always been coffee shops. No, I love class elevators. It was such a weird thing where like going to a coffee shop was like this fucking like cool thing to do as like a young high school student. It made high school people feel like they were grownups. Yeah. It absolutely did. And it was just like a sense of freedom. Like to go do your homework there. Yeah.

Yeah, or you could bring your skateboard there and then skate in the back of the coffee shop or whatever and smoke some ciggies. It was way before it was monopolized. It was crazy. You could actually. I remember some of my first public cigarettes where I was like, I'm smoking this. I don't care, were in front of a coffee shop for sure with older kids because I could hand it to them if anybody rolled up. Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah. And they would give me the fucking Siggy's and then we definitely didn't hang out at a lot of coffee shops. We would hang out at like restaurants where like it was like $0 to eat their Buffalo wild wings. Yeah. There was a lot of Buffalo wild wings, honestly. Uh,

The first one? It was like a lot of – there was a Chinese restaurant that they just didn't care what the shit we did. So like you could get a plate of fried rice for 80 cents. Oh, yeah. You just eat a fucking bucket of fried rice and sit there and then sit there for like four hours. The cost of diarrhea. And just like play cards or whatever. I'll take another one. Play cards and eat fried rice.

Another round. Dude, kids are so cool. Just imagine being a grown-ass man eating 80-cent fried rice, playing cards with your homies. You just have it figured out. Is that place still open? No. It ended up giving everybody food poisoning. Someone died, I think. Yeah, they shut it down. I think someone legit died from eating their food.

Right. Sorry. That happened to us when we moved to the Valley. We found that really cheap, like, do you guys remember that fried rice spot? And we all got it and we all got sick. Do you guys remember that? That fried rice spot. Not that Chinese restaurant. It was the fried rice. It was like 99 cent fried rice and we got it. It seems real. It was when we shot, we're eating it and you guys are eating it in the beginning of the proto, not the proto tank sketch, the one. Like dude's house or something? It's where you're eating, it's,

In bed. The fortune cookie. Oh, yeah. Classic. Yeah, you guys are scarfing on it at the beginning of that. That's the fried rice I'm thinking of. It was so bad. I remember that being pretty good. Yeah, it was delicious. It tasted good, but it fucked you up in the long run, I think. Whatever, man. I'll take it. Do you remember when we found out that MSG was the ingredient? Because we were like...

There are a lot of Chinese restaurants. There'll be like a sign that says like no MSG, because I guess that used to be a thing back in the day that Chinese restaurants were known for putting MSG, which is a, like a kind of like a salt, like a spice that you put on into food that, uh, it makes you like almost addicted to that food and it, and makes it just taste fucking delicious. And you're like, Oh, I got to keep eating this. Um, so we got producers also, please put in facts what it actually is. Uh, we,

we got, uh, we got these, uh, MSG, the spice. Do you remember that? And then we were putting it on our food. I remember this very well. Oh yeah. It comes in cubes. No, ours. It was like a salt shaker. Yeah. We went to a weird ass, like 99 cent store. Cause we, we were so bored. I feel like it was like a big lot. Yeah, maybe. And they had like a, a straight up shaker of MSG. What the, I don't have this crazy memory of it being, uh,

big lots? I think it was like a big lot. And we got a spice set and MSG was there and we put it on everything. And then we call it the flavor enhancer. Was it off the chain? And guess what? It worked. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. Used to throw it on popcorn. It

We're just a port in our energy drinks, dude, and we're fine. Adam just had to piss crystals, but... Oh, yeah. Will you read that description, Adam, right there? The basic sensory function of MSG is attributed to its ability to enhance savory taste active compounds when added in the proper concentration.

It sounds good. Well, why the fuck? What's so bad about it, though? Why is it outlawed? I have no idea. I think it's because it truly makes you addicted to that thing. So what? It's like an additive that isn't an actual food. So I think people were turned off by it. Now we were turned on by it. Maybe there's a medical issue.

Because it could constrict the blood vessels or something too much. Well, it does have the word sodium in the word, in monosodium. So maybe it's bad. Hey, Blake, nice catch. Go ahead. Thank you. So maybe it is... I don't know. Good catch. Wow. Good catch. Keep going. Yeah, and sodium is bad because why? Good catch, Blake. Sodium...

It constricts your blood vessels. I think it constricts your blood vessels. Give him points. You are sodium. Yes, points. Thank you. That was a good one, Ders. You are sodium. I don't know. All I know is sodium...

I just caught that. The chunk was real. You got to do the lady's voice. Will you play it? Do you have it anymore on the board? You are so young. It's not a lady, by the way. It's a really cool guy. Even better. Even better. No, I don't have it anymore. I'm sorry. Dang. I guess I'll have to live as that for the rest of the podcast. Yeah. Huh.

Right.

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- Do you guys remember fazollis? Which was like fast Italian food. And they would give you, if you would buy like, it was like a 3.99 cent salad, they would give you unlimited breadsticks.

Like their thing was if you bought food, they would bring you unlimited breadsticks. So we would just get like a soda, a $3.99 salad, and then sit there for like five hours and just eat breadsticks and go in the car and smoke weed and come back and continue to eat breadsticks.

And so finally they were like, you guys have to buy. And then there was like, they put up new signs saying that you have to buy new food every hour. Yeah. And we were fucking pissed at that. Shut up, bitch. Fuck that noise. I kind of remember pulling some shit like that at like soup plantation or any kind of bottomless. One person would get it and then like you'd hop over, you'd buy one plate and then you would share off the plate. Now you notice that there's not a lot of soup plantations anymore. Do you think it's because the tarmac?

The title is the worst. There's a plantation in the title. What were they thinking? What are they thinking? For sure. What were they thinking? Soup plantation? Dummy. The worst. Just call it the soup factory. Yeah, it was bad. I wanted to go to soup plantation and play Dungeons and Dragons with some homies for like 12 hours at a soup plantation. That would have been so sick. That would have been cool. R.I.P.

Adam, your Italian restaurant just reminded me that the place we would hang out wherever there was a permission wall, which is where the company or the business would let you paint graffiti on the back of their business. What? That's some Chi-town shit. So shout out to Dave's Italian Kitchen. Okay. We would just go there, smoke weed. Big shout out to Dave's. Thank you, God. Some people would be putting up a piece of graffiti and we would just watch and people would be doing skateboard tricks that they couldn't land.

That's the best kind of... Just like hanging out. Just flipping tricks. Nobody sticks them. And like trading CDs and shit. It's book clan shit, dude. Yeah, exactly. And teenagers now just hang out at like Starbucks, right? Like that's where you... They hang out on the internet. On Call of Duty. Yeah, it's all digital. Yeah.

Metaverse. In the metaverse, probably. Shut the fuck up! I mean, we're not far off. Yeah, I think they do hang out, but they have to see each other in person because they got to get the hand jobs and stuff and, you know, finger bangs. I don't think they care. I think they'd rather beat off at home the way they can than just have their friends. Because they all got the Oculus Rifts and it's too good. It's got to be so... Well, I don't know. Can you do that? Can you Oculus yourself?

What do you mean? Well, I'm saying talking to each other. Oh, sure. Can you see yourself, though? Yeah, you can have an avatar, can't you? Yeah, you can. Like when you're hanging? You're beating off to a fucking Sonic the Hedgehog character? Yeah, exactly. But it's not the same. I wonder if it'll be like where you're fucking each other like if you have a girl and you're like, you know what? It's too big of a hassle to get in a car and drive over there.

And it's like too much of a thing. If you guys could just both put on your Oculus and it's sort of like that scene in Demolition Man where it's just like sensory overload. We know chicks. She would love this. Go ahead. I think we're on the verge. I mean, that's possible, right? Yeah, that's possible. That's absolutely possible. The tech is there because they're doing things like...

They're doing things where you can wear a sleeve and then your doctor is like checking on how you're doing physical therapy. Like say you have a fucked up knee or something like that. You can put a sleeve on and then...

So if you just put that on your dick. It's science. By the way, I love how they're like, the people who made it are like, yeah, we invented this for doctors and they're just waiting for porno to pick it up. Oh, because porno is the front of tech. Porno is just around the river bend. So doctors, this is for you or whatever else is out there. I don't know. Yeah, porno leads tech, right? We do have the patent on it and it's for doctors.

It's science. Anyone else wants to get involved? Anybody at all. Or maybe brazzers. I'm not really sure what else it could be used for. Doctors, brazzers, whoever. You know how doctors really need to grip things and squeeze, you know?

It's crazy. Like, you know the tanga egg was originally like a disposal or something. Like, yeah, you just throw away the thing into here, you tie it up, and then someone was like, you can stick your dick in there. It's a portable garbage bag. It can expand. You could jerk off into this egg. If you ever get seasick while on a boat, you just open this little egg. It's contraption for, you breathe into it. Or...

You can put your dick in here. It's a silicon. And then some lonely sailor was like, wait a minute. Thank you, God. Weird, wild stuff. Some lonely sailor or any man. Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah, baby. I like that it only took us 30 or so minutes to get into porno on this episode. We really, that's maybe the longest run that we've had. Yeah. I'm proud of us. Best episode yet. I'm really proud of us. Proud. Proud.

Was that something that didn't porno decide Blu-ray's fate? Blu-ray and like HD DVD or something like that? And VHS.

And VHS. No, porno decides the tech. Did you guys not know this? It absolutely does. Because beta was a better format, but they didn't want porno to use it at all. So then porno was like, fine, we're going to go with VHS. And then VHS became the thing. And then Betamax got phased out. And then it came down to Blu-ray and HD DVD. And porno went Blu-ray and HD DVD went the way of...

Bye-bye. Whatever people say. Oh, my God. Well, I kind of always thought Betamax wasn't the... It was what made it a better technology. To me, I just was like, maybe it's kind of a shitty... Well, I think it was just the magnetic tape. I think it's just the magnetic tape on the inside. First of all, don't call it Beta. Alpha Max. I feel like my dad would read that and be like, I'm no fucking Betamax.

Betamax? I'm an Alpha Max, too. That was before Beta and Alpha. Whereas VHS gets your pecker hard. VHS is much cheaper, much shittier resolution, and they broke easy. Betamax was a much more robust medium. And I believe Sony made Betamax, and they had the patent on it. So it was either like Sony or Sanyo, and those were the only companies that made it. Whereas VHS was like an open platform for everybody else. Magnavox,

RCA. AY. Zenith. Zenith. Zenith was sick. Zenith was sick, bro. I remember... High tech. Teak. If your TV breaks now, do you get a TV repairman? Is that even a job anymore? Or you just buy a new... You can't be, right? You just buy a new TV. I was thinking of that the other day. I was like, if this TV were to break...

I would just buy a new TV. I wouldn't even, there's, I remember specifically on multiple occasions, a TV repairman coming to the house. I remember our VCR breaking. My dad took it to the VCR repairman. I'm like, that doesn't fucking exist anymore. Well, because a lot of the times for old TVs, there was a bulb in there, correct? So like if the bulb was all fucked up, you had to like open it up and replace that. And then VHS, sometimes the tape would get caught. So you'd have to take it somewhere to get it out. Yeah.

Or he'd have to clean the heads. Remember that shit? Right. Did you guys have the little red sports car that would rewind the tapes for you? Yes, I did. Oh, yeah, baby. Vroom, baby. That must be the glass elevator generation because I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, homie.

boy. You didn't have a rewinder? No, fuck no. It was a specific machine to rewind. So you didn't fuck your heads up on your VCR? No, we didn't. It would go hella fast and then slow down towards the end so it didn't snap. Oh, so sick. That was a luxury. It looks like a little red sports car. Little red Corvette. Yes, points!

Baby, we rewind so fast. Oh, wow. Okay. Wow. Goddamn. That's good. No, that was a luxury. We didn't have that in my home. I don't believe that. I want to say that if you just let it ride, like you didn't turn your movie off or whatever, when it got to the end of the tape, it would just...

Automatic rewind. If you had a nice VCR. It advanced to that. Like, eventually every VCR did that, but I think that was a sick-ass new addition. I don't know if ours did. Wow. Wow. Hey, it's been a while, huh, guys? Calm down, man.

I got some VHS tapes within two feet of me. Okay, reach for it. What is it? What do we got, brother? My parents threw away, on their move, they moved to Lake of the Ozarks from Omaha, Nebraska. On their move, they threw away all their old VHSs because I was like, oh, maybe, I was like, let me dig through your old VHSs when I was at home visiting them this past year. And, uh,

They had none. I was pretty salty about it. They didn't have this? What's he got? What is that? Best of Backyard Wrestling? Why do you have that? Oh, my God, dude. They didn't have this? Wow. They didn't have that, no. Are me and Blake on that? Yeah. Future Kings of the Ring. If you guys are on this, fucking kudos. Dude, is HCW Conquered represented? There's a 100% chance that they're not. Yeah, no. Our show's got a weak core, but...

Well, we were all about the stories and the pageantry. Yeah, less about the wrestling. So you're telling me Jack Hammer is not represented on there. Yeah, where's Jack Hammer, man? Okay. Yeah, what about Jimmy Moon? Love that era. They would play commercials of planes crashing and all that shit, and they're like, order now and get 20 tapes. And you're like, all right. Oh, yeah, sports bloopers, bro. I mean, we covered it, but...

Girls Gone Wild. Girls Gone Wild. Yeah. You know the guy who made these tapes? Billionaire. Billionaire. Backyard billionaire right there, brother. I was talking with Chloe the other day about something we had mentioned on a podcast about like Dorf, like

Dorf gone golf, dude. And then Tim Conway and she for sure didn't, and didn't know who Tim Conway was or who Dorf is. And I'm like, yeah, I get that. Dorf is kind of a deep cut, but I'm like, you know, Ernest,

She doesn't know Ernest, dude. No way. Of course not. Of course not. That's too bad. Well, that's your job. She doesn't know Ernest. Yeah, you need to sit through him again. That's your job. Dorf is a pull for even us. You only know the commercials really. Dorf ain't funny, man. Ernest is.

Hey, that statement will haunt you. Yeah. I want all the beef with Dwarf. I only know it because my grandfather or my step-grandfather, he was a golfer. And so we had a bunch of Dwarf on golf tapes around. Right. And he'd be like, here, watch this. Know what I mean? And leave us alone. And then I'd watch it.

I love weird, wild stuff. We can't talk about Dorf on this pod. I said I'd leave. I'm leaving. You said what? What's up? We'll talk about it for a minute. You come back. Go make a sandwich or some shit. Yeah, Dorf was always at the doctor's office. I feel like it's just the dude on his knees in the shoes, right? Yeah.

It was at the doctor's office. We watched it every time we went to the fucking doctor's office. Tim Conway. Was he laughing? Tim Conway was laughing at the Apple Dumpling Gang. By the way, it's pretty smart to make like a golf series.

Because then you're getting invited around the world to play in those tournaments and shit. That's smart. He knew what he was doing. You guys want in on the most deep cut, funniest golf video ever made? No, I'm good. VHS style? No, I do. Leslie Nielsen, Bad Golf My Way. Check it out. It's impossible to find. You'll never see it. Maybe check out on YouTube. Couldn't hear it. What was it? Leslie Nielsen. Me and Durs don't want to hear it. Just tell Kyle. Just tell Kyle. Me and Durs don't want to hear it.

There were two VHSs, Bad Golf My Way and Bad Golf Made Easier. Everybody go on YouTube. I'm very aware of these because we grew up together and we used to watch them together. Do you remember? Dude, Leslie Nielsen was the fucking shit. We used to watch. You loved Leslie Nielsen. He really was. I like, he's what? He was your. Is that Brigitte Nielsen's sister? Wait, who's talking? I thought we were talking. Yeah, I thought we had some time to ourselves. Who's fucking talking? Time's up. Time's up.

Time's up. Oh, they're back. Time's up. Whoops. Sorry about it. And we're back. Adam, doesn't Zach have a Leslie Nielsen tattoo, which is the hardest tattoo ever? The best man at my wedding, my friend Zach Leonardo. Legend mate. You could follow him on Instagram. I wish I was pizza. Pizza, pizza. He has a tattoo of Leslie Nielsen on his calf, I believe.

Really good. That's his only tattoo that is like a realistic tattoo. It looks just – I mean the guy did a great job. It looks just like Leslie Nielsen. Every other tattoo you're like, what is this? Yeah. From Naked Gun or from Airplane? It just looks like a – Scary movie? Is it a scary movie? I think it's from Bad Golf My Way. I think it's from Bad Golf My Way. Deep cut. Buzzing frog. It might have been Bad Golf My Way.

I think it's Naked Gun. From the producers of Dorfong Golf is Bad Golf My Way. Are there any takebacks, any giveaways, any epic slams this pod? It's been a while since we've epic slammed anybody. Slams, takebacks. Hey, I'm going to slam Blake for wearing the exact same outfit that he wore on the last podcast. My bad, dude.

Dude, you must fucking be a stinky person. Yeah, you must stink, dude. That's why I apply hella old spice. Dude, I think I'm like having like a weird... We were talking about Chinese food so much that...

I swear to God, my house smells like Chinese food. I'm the only one here. That's your upper lip. I might be having a stroke or something. But you smell like toast when you're having a stroke, not Chinese food. No, it's Chinese food. Orange chicken. If we had one of us have a stroke on the podcast, God, that'd be good. That'd be good for ratings. Yeah. I heard before you have a stroke, you smell orange chicken. Yeah. Yeah. I would be crying, dude, if I saw you go down orange.

Homie, I'd be like fucking, oh my God. Like that would be- You'd be bummed? I would be so like real bummed. Who would be the most bummed, do we think, out of the four of us if I were to just die? The most bummed? If I could see your face while you were passed out, I think I would start crying. If I could like see your face, like if you fell backwards and passed out like that and it was like not moving-

I think that would fucking send me into a tailspin. Are we talking about who would be the most bummed immediately or like a week later, kind of smoke's sort of cleared, some people are getting over it? What happened? Like who stays the most bummed? Yeah, did he die or is he alive? I think it would have...

No, I guess we're talking about immediately who's the most bummed. Kyle. I'm scared. I'm scared out of my mind. Kyle, yeah. I'm scared out of my mind. And that's another episode of... It's a bagel. This is... Epic Slam. What's important. Fire away, my liege. Fire away. Fire away.

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