Ep 95: What Happened At The End Of This Episode?
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Oh, strangle my nuts. I just want to feel something. Watch me hang from this pole. My whole life I've had zero desire to do the splits. Wait, what? Did you beat up a special needs kit, Anders? Let's go. We are.

We are back! Okay, so wait, what? You had... I'm confused because you said you had the Crow soundtrack and you said that the Foo Fighters is on that? Is that... There goes my hero? No. Not the Crow. Varsity Blues. I mentioned Varsity Blues. Yes. Oh, dude, I was like, I don't think Foo Fighters are on the Crow, bro. But so I was like, did you know I had that soundtrack? Because I do have that soundtrack, but I have it in a very strange way that made me think weirdly about myself in high school. Oh.

I got interviewed by the school radio show. Nice, dude. Your first brush with fame. Yeah, about my swimming whatever. Legacy. Legacy. Let's just say, fastest in history for two years.

Really? Wow. Oh my God. So somebody went way faster than me two years later. That's okay. You had two years. Hey, two years, dude. Better than I did. Thank you. That's a great run. And he was like, I'm having you on today. I like to give a gift to my guests. I'm giving you the Varsity Blues soundtrack because you're like a jock and stuff. Yeah.

That's cool. He said jock and stuff. And I was like, yeah, this is a football move. Like, I'm... Like, because swimming is... Sure, it's a sport, but it's a very... Not only is it a different, like...

It's just different than like being a baseball player or a basketball player or a football player. Sure. Because the mindset in especially a high school where like the social like hierarchy, it doesn't matter like that, right? You don't walk around the school like – You're not pulling a ton of chicks from the swim team. No.

No. And it doesn't matter. Right. People hear you swim. Well, no, I'm not going to let you go there because swimming is so important to our world. That's why. Yeah, wait. You're just talking in general like humans if we fall in water? Well, maybe it's different in California, but I will say in the Midwest, no one gives a shit about swimming. It's so far down the rung of sports that you even care about. In terms of popularity. Yeah. Adam, I don't know if it's.

Fucking dorks, man. I saw the chess club beat up the swim team one time. But he gave me this album, and it was such a miss for me that I was like, yeah, okay, for sure. But it did have that Foo Fighters song on it, which is a jam. Yeah, it does. It's got my hero. And Foo Fighters. Sure.

Wait, hold on. How did swimming males, I mean even the females, like swimmers' bodies are fucking hot as fuck. We're not going to get into it right now. No, I know. This is what I'm tripping about. I'm tripping about that too. Blake, after way-o of last week. Wait, what was it? I can't remember last week. Way-o. Way-o. Right, right, right. You've been way-o'd. Watch our new show, way-o. I

I was so drunk that episode. Then you lead off with swimmers' bodies, at least the male, are so hot. I'm glistening. What is hotter than a male swimmer, dude? Our USA team? A male football player. No. I don't know. Their bodies are insane. Maybe a female swimmer. No, but he's just saying from the perspective of hot.

No, no gender. No, nothing. Muscle cut on a male swimmer. Like they're, they're muscles. The gutters. But this is high school. So not a lot of them are that shredded yet. Exactly. It was just me. Oh, that's what it is. Ders. Were you the only one that, uh, swim collegiately? Uh,

That means college, right? No, there was another team. Good word, Adam. I had a teammate, shout out John Phyllis Warren, who swam at Kenyon, which is a Division III dynasty. Yeah, but you were the big dog. No, but they're a dynasty, and he was fast, and he was good. And then younger than me, there were young bloods that were legit fast, who won Big Tens and stuff. Were they hot?

Obviously. Blake, you met them. They're sexy. Well, you don't need to hype up your whole school. I'm trying to hype you up. I'm trying to hype you up, dog. Were you the big swinging dick in that pool? Sorry, packed in your Speedo dick in that pool. Have you seen it? Have you seen it? Yeah, but bundled up tightly. Yeah, tightly coiled cock in your Speedo. Nylon wrapped. By the way, in high school, I wore a size...

26. That was your jean size? Speedo. That was your jeans? Speedo. Oh, is that the same as jeans though? So what does that mean? It'd be like if you had a size 26 jeans on. Okay, that's fucking thin, bro. That's fucking thin, bro. Oh my god. You are nothing but bones. I've never been that.

thin, dude. You wear like a 32 waist jeans, but you put on a size 26 Speedo. Like it was a whole thing. Oh, so you're really spoiled in there. God, nothing but organs and muscles, you know? Oh my God. Very shagadelic. Okay, so, but you were the hot chick. People knew you around high school. Fastest? He said fastest in history. But Adam, again, I was on the swim team. I know, I know, I know. But did like weird guys come to watch you? You know how like there's always like...

Swim fans. There was some really great baseball players and really great football players at my high school. So there would be like weird guys that would just come that are not affiliated with the school at all. That are like just 50-year-old men who like either went to the school years and years and years ago or just like came around because they like watching the sport.

Were there ever weird guys at the side of the pool just watching you stroke that water? Not really. People would come back and watch a couple meets or whatever because we were pretty good. Even when I went to college, right?

The same guy followed you to watch you. And I was like, there he is. Do I fuck this guy? Do I put him on whale? What are we doing? Can I get him on whale? So I had a homie on the football team and he was like, so like at a swim meet, like, what do you guys got? You got like 5,000, 3,000 people watching you. And I'm like,

At a dual meet, like a college between another college. And this is Division I. We were a top 20 team. It would be like 20 of your parents and then a couple girlfriends. Wait, you had 20 parents? Oh, 20 collective parents. And this is like a guys and girls meet together thing.

Like, nobody came to this. So wait, what was that total? 20 plus 20? So like 40 people? Like 40 parents and then like a couple boyfriends and girlfriends to be like... Yeah, so it sucks. It's like two classrooms of people. Yeah, and he was like... He's like, because we play for like 85,000, so I assume there's like...

Only 5,000 for you guys? I'm like, no, dude. It's like, it sucks. No one wants to go to a swim meet. I'm sorry, man. Well, no, but swimming is really fun to watch during the Olympics. That's one of the most thrilling things on the Summer Olympics. It's definitely better televised because I've been to a few swim meets in my day. I come from a line of swimmers. My mother and father swim. Kyle, please talk about it.

My uncle swam. My uncle coached Olympic medalist Matt Biondi. Wow. So I was around it growing up. And if you don't know who Matt Biondi is, get your fucking Google on.

Dude, he's the man. He's a swimmer. Yeah, he's a swimmer. He's a good swimmer. We can just tell you right now. He's a swimmer. I don't even have to pick up the phone. I'm pretty sure he was a good swimmer. He got like eight golds or something. He's a good swimmer. He's one of the most decorated Olympians in swimming history. Six foot eight. And I think he played water polo. Hot as fuck.

Oh, dude, he played water polo. Back to Blake saying how to suck. My dad played hella water polo, man. My dad was a water polo dude. So yeah, swimming is better televised than it is in person because in person it's very hard to know what the – you can't see. You can't see what's going on. You can't tell. Right. It's kind of an underwater sport. You can't see? Okay, sure. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot happening. What do you mean? You sit up in the blue?

You can sit in the bleachers, Adam, but you can't see it. It's all very small. It's hard to check it out. I think maybe, Kyle, you've been blind your whole life. When did they get your eyes dialed in? Because I know if I sat in the bleachers, Durst says there's 40 people there. You can sit wherever you want. You got a good seat. When we went to South by Southwest, the first time,

We were in Austin at the same time as this huge...

huge swim meet. When South by was fucking good. Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Called the Texas Invitational, right? I wake up super hungover after We Rage, and I go to this swim meet. It's one of the biggest meets of the year. Yeah, I remember you doing this. I remember thinking, this is absolutely insane. And no one's there. There's a few hundred people, but I go straight to the front, and I go, yo! And I see my swim coaches, and they're like, what are you doing here? I'm like...

I'm on a TV show. I made it. They're just like... By the way, they're super busy. They're like, oh, great. And you're here? I'm like, I can't let go of the sport. You want a Lone Star? I've only drank half of it. Can I swim on a relay, please? Well, that's what is cool about swimming is you...

swam at the collegiate level, Wisconsin, big school. So it was a real swim. It was a real thing that you were doing. But it's not like you were an Olympian. You know what I mean? It's not like you were... Were you even close? No, never made trials. Yeah, it's not like you were even close. It's not like you were that great at all. No, I mean, he was a very great swimmer. But then now, Ders can walk...

uh, walk to a, right up to the biggest swim meet in the fucking country and stand right by the pool. Stand on the deck. People love him. Yeah.

You know, I played baseball when I was a kid. I can't just go down to Dodgers Stadium and try to walk into the dugout. I think you could. I bet you could. You sang the national anthem. I think you could. I think it's a little different, but I think you could. Yeah, I think it wouldn't be as easy. It's a different level. It's a different level. I can talk shop with people. Who else in...

What other celebrity represents for swimming? Is there anybody else? Well, I don't want to get into it because then I get super jealous. What do you mean? I will say, so Kevin Hart swam for Philadelphia Parks and Recreation, which is like a historically dope swim club. They've been around forever. The Kevin Hart.

The little comedian. Adam. Sure. He was a very successful comedian. But his body is so little. Hold up. What? But that's great. But it's also very hot, dude, which goes back to my point. I'm guessing he's got decent underwaters. Yeah. Yeah.

I always just thought swimmers were long and lean. That's true. Yeah, but there's a whole host of people out there that are not that tall that have good underwater dolphin kicks, and that kind of helps them out. Kevin is not just not that tall. He's very small. I tower over him, and I'm pretty small.

Yeah, well, I guess that just proves he was working hard out there. He was working fucking hard. That's what it sounds like. I'm not trying to offend him. Well, I think anybody of all shapes and sizes can have fun in the pool and can set records, okay? Okay. I'm just very surprised that he was such a great swimmer. Does it matter if you're tall? I don't know how good he was. I know that he swam competitively. Weird, wild stuff. The next one bothers me because he was fast.

Mark Paul Gosling. No, but it's close. It's close. God, if he swam. No, but you know what? He does the Malibu Triathlon, and I got to fucking smoke him this year. I'm going to do it just to smoke him. Oh, get your ass to the triathlon, bro. Get it. Get it. I will be there. Your boobs are huge. Now I'm blanking on this dude's name, but he's the star of Justified.

Who the fuck is that? Walton Goggins. Not Walton Goggins. Other dude. Oh, the handsome guy. The handsome guy. Yeah. Handsome guy. What's his name? Let's see here. Let me do a little Google search. You guys think about his name while I tell this story because I saw him at like an FX or a Netflix party. And I'm like, I got to go up to this guy and talk swimming.

Timothy Oliphant. Timothy Oliphant. Oh, yeah. Legend. Wow. Legend. Like, basically, like, everything I want to be. Wow. Yeah, he has hot-ass swimmers, Bob, too. You can see it. Yeah. So hot. Very funny. I don't know if you guys saw him in Girl Next Door. Very funny. Oh, yeah. You love this. Oh, yeah. We love Girl Next Door. Yeah, I could gobble. And I go up to him, and I'm like...

My name's Anders. I'm an actor too. He's like, very cool. All right. Like entertaining it. And I go, Oh, I bet he's so dumb. I know you swam at, I think he swam at USC. I can swim. Yeah. And I go, and he goes, yeah,

Yeah. Like, why do you know this? Like, oh, like I swam and like, dude, you're a fucking actor. I'm an actor. We both swam. Like, I just had to say what's up. And he puts his hand on my shoulder and he goes, and I don't know if it was this, but I'll give it to him. He was like, and you did it. And was like, bam. And like turned his way, turned away. So,

So no love, dude. Damn. How drunk were you? And I'm not shitting on him. No, you're not mad at it. That's a perfectly reasonable response. But I was for sure drunk enough to go up to a guy and go like, scrim actor? Yeah. You would almost think that that is a deep enough of a cut that there'd be like a brotherhood there. I was hoping. And then it was just like, this is not going anywhere. And if he was slower than me, I'd be like, well, fuck that guy.

But he was faster. Yeah, what's his time? What's his time? I think he was like a 200 IM guy, which is different than me. I didn't do that, but he was quick. Individual medley, right? That's what it is? Yeah, you do every stroke. Is there an order? What's the order? I think he was a sick backstroker, and he's got those backstroke shoulders, guys. What do those look like? Narrow, very narrow.

Anders, what is the order of the IM? What is the order of it? Butterfly backstroke, breaststroke, freestyle. And by the way, the luggage you use on the swim deck. Well, yeah, I wasn't sure if you could switch it up. I wasn't sure if you could do your freestyle first. You're not allowed to switch it up, which is controversial because they think that breaststrokers have an advantage. And the luggage you use on deck. No, I remember. Let's talk about this new piece of luggage I just got.

Oh, dude, you guys, hey, you do need to check out this fucking Toomey ad. It's un-fucking-real. It's got, like, it's got people parkour. Dude, Toomey has released this new luggage that's, like, black and neon green, and this shit is just so cool. Be quiet!

But the commercial has people parkouring. They are parkouring with roller bags. It's epic. Which, how come none of us can parkour? That fucking sucks, dude. For me, it's my athleticism. My knees would explode. Wait a second. Didn't we forget?

Did you guys not do gymnastics in middle school and high school? Freestyle walk in high school? When you had gym, it was like you do soccer, then you do this, and then you do gymnastics and whatever. You guys never hit the pummel horse? I don't think they made us do gymnastics. You never did the vault? No. We had to do this. Yes, absolutely we did. I love that shit, dude. We had to do gymnastics? Yeah, you'd run and fuck around with it. Yeah, we had to do gymnastics. You sure? Yes, Blake. We would drag it out of the closet, and we would set it up, and then we would do it.

Drag what out of the closet? I used to be able to do backflips and shit. If Kyle had to do gymnastics, that means you had to do gymnastics, Blake. Why'd you have to drag out a closet, bitch? No, no, Blake was busy doing the rope climb, like, go, go, go, go, go, go. All I remember is that the rumor was that if you brought out the little spongy floor mat, it had ringworm, and I didn't want to fucking touch that shit. That's wrestling, dude. That's wrestling, Flare.

You're in a completely different place. When you do gymnastics, you have the same mat out there. No, you don't. They don't have a different mat. It's just a high school gym. Yes, they do. Floor routine. What? It's like a bouncy carpet. What are you talking about? Bouncy carpet. Yeah, it's like the whole floor is a carpet. So your school, how much money did your guys' school have that they had a different floor to bring out? Bro, we had 12 gyms. My school is humongous. Jesus Christ. Dude, we had a whole gymnastics gym. Oh my God.

When I was back home, I just did a random... You can find me in the gymnastics gym, bro. Cool guy over here. You can find me on the parallel bars, bro. I'm on the rings, bitch. Oh, where am I at? I'm on the rings. You

You can find me doing sit and reach, bro. Yeah, the sit and reach, bitch. Do you guys remember the presidential fitness test? I got in second place every year because I was doing physical therapy every day.

And I couldn't be beat, dude. I was so flexible. And then this kid who couldn't feel his legs, he was in a wheelchair, could just bend himself in half. Why are you dogging on your people? He would bend himself in half and destroy me every year, man. Adam, just give it to him, man.

Let him have it. He has it. He has it. You were in a wheelchair. How do you think you got second player? No, no, no. This was after the wheelchair, but it was in you. It was cemented. Well, I was very flexible at this point. It was years of years of physical therapy, but yeah. Wow. Wow. Cemented. Did you have to use cemented? Why don't you cry about it? Uh,

It was cemented. Did you have to say cemented? Did you have to? Come on, man. What the fuck, man? That's wrong. You have to say it. Oh, I didn't even catch that one. Yes, points! You gotta let him have that, right? Adam, are you talking specifically about the... Yeah, I'm not lording it over him, but I'm saying I was very good. I was very good at it. The fact that you brought it up is the fact that...

Like you're lording it. It didn't bother me in the moment. Yeah. You know, I was trying to win the damn thing. He comes out of nowhere. I didn't even know he was going to do it because he's not doing a lot of the other exercises. Right. You thought you had it in the bag. Well, because when I was in a wheelchair, I was too injured. I couldn't

I couldn't even go... Ladies, come watch me do the sit and reach. I think you're going to like what you see. They wouldn't even allow me in the gym. And then I regained my strength and I'm back in the gym. And I'm like, look at me go. They wouldn't let you in the gym? No, they said it was an insurance issue. That I couldn't go in the gym. Adam, I'm so sorry to tell you this. They just didn't like you. Yeah, well, it was my middle school. Both of my legs were...

directly out in front of me so if anything hit them it was really painful okay so obviously middle school was a disaster zone for me sure sure sure that one teacher who said fuck you on the last day of school was like don't let him that was that was high school i would have loved to see adam with like his his legs straight out just doing rope climbs like fucking a marine that would be sick i would love that too just body in the l

Hi.

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And yes, you could find a ton of recipes on the Philadelphia website. Visit cream cheese.com for recipe inspiration. So you can start adding Philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home. Adam, are you still pretty flexible? Can you do the splits? Well, I do. Uh, I'm pretty flexible. I can still kind of do the splits. I, uh, can't wait. Uh,

But I, but my... How's your dick taste? For Bumper, the Pitch Perfect spin-off show that I did in Germany, I kicked my... It was the first day of rehearsal or of shooting and I kicked my leg up, tore my top dick muscle.

Yeah. Classic. Wait, what? Your what? That's just your groin. It's like, it's so low in my abdomen that it's basically my top dick. Curled. Yeah. And I'm like, I felt weird because it's my first day and everyone's like. Top dick? Like the base. Where the. Like, here, I'll show you. Yeah, show us. Like the base? Like where your dick comes out of? Like the fubo. Like, here it is. Oh, we got an exclusive.

No, you're going to have to pull it down. That's just like wax. Oh, there it is. You're going to want to YouTube it. Okay. So kind of upper thigh? That part of my body always gets so tight. Yeah, but still on the abdominals. But it just went, it went peep, peep.

And then it hurts so fucking bad. And then it's like, I'm just meeting these German people. This is the first day of shooting. And they're like, what is hurting you? And I'm like, basically rubbing my cock. My schvanker. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Sie top of mich schvanker.

Damn, bro. Man, I've never been flexible. Yeah, so I am still flexible, but not in the same way that I was. I couldn't do all the same moves that I could in the first time. I've never been flexible. I could never do the splits. I always want to. My brother could do the splits. Why did your brother do the splits? We'll talk about why his brother can do the splits. I have zero desire to do the splits. My brother did a lot of gymnastics. My brother did a lot of gymnastics growing up. Your brother was a hockey goalie.

Yes. My whole life I've had zero desire to do the splits. Why? Hey, dude. I'll put you in this book. Would you ever want to do the splits? All I know is when you're at a wedding and you're on the dance floor and you're thinking maybe there's scouts in the audience, you practice your splits. You do, for sure. You know? And even when you're practicing in your own house, you think, maybe some of them are

somebody's watching this. There could be a scale. But just for like experiences, why not? Why would you want to just not have that experience? Sometimes life is about the things you can't do. Okay. All right. Interesting. Can we get one more example? Yeah. Like what? Like what? Like swimming in splits.

Yeah, like the backstroke. I can't do the backstroke. I bet you could if you tried. I bet the splits feel hella good, like front splits, not side splits, like front splits. What do you think it feels like? Describe it. I think it's euphoria. The one I could do is where I tuck my one leg back. It's like the jazz splits, so it's not a full that. I've seen you do that. That's like your jumping split, right? Yeah, where I jump up and jump into it.

basically land on your knees. But both knees are forward, right? Or is it one knee back? No. It's tucked back. Yeah, it's like a rock star split. You're basically kind of landing on your leg. Yeah, it's rock star split. It's Prince. It's James Brown. It's like, yeah. But both knees are forward. Both knees are forward. Yes, it's a quick fall and a drop and you can actually pop back up when you're the best at this. That was...

I like that. Like, when you watch, like, old James Brown dancing shit, and he's like, wow, wow. I tore my meniscus at our house, I believe, on my 21st birthday. Oh. Doing that move when I came back up. And someone has this video, because I saw it the next day, where you see my knee go, uh-uh. What?

And then you see me grimace and dance through the pain. Like I just kept dancing. I love it. This guy's got no quit and I love it. And then I woke up the next day with my fucking knees all swollen and I like kind of forgot that I had hurt myself and I was like, oh, fuck. What had happened, Kyle? Yeah, you got to wrap it up. That's wild. What else did you have to do in that? What was it? Presidential test? What did you call it? The shuttle run test.

It's the shuttle run. It's where you had to pick up those blocks on either side of each other. Yeah. That was legit hard. That was like some American gladiator shit. And then we had to do rope climb. We also had to do pull-ups. Pull-ups. And was it also the...

little wooden pegs into the board where you're like... Ninja warrior shit. That's hella advanced. That was some ninja warrior shit. 50-yard dash and then the mile. Wasn't one of the things like if you couldn't do pull-ups, you could just hang for as long as you could? Yes, but I guess I heard about that. I think that was the kids that couldn't do pull-ups. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I was like, what else was on it? Yeah, because it's all sit and reach. You just had to do 15 pull-ups. Oh, you didn't have to do your max? Well, I think it was a max. 15 was like the max. If you did 15, you got like an edge. Yeah, imagine a kid just busting 15. I think you had to do like 100-yard dashes and stuff too. I think all the running you had to get in. 50-yard dash, mile, and.

shuttle run. I love that Durth remembers it. I just remember like sit and reach and pull-ups. He's training his children to fucking destroy these events. Can I just tell you? Didn't remember anything else. So this was it. Yes, sir. Cool.

I remember that people read James and the Giant Peach. Oh, great book. I don't know. So 15 pull-ups in a row is pretty good even for an adult. 15 is tough. Yeah, but as an adult, it's harder. When you're a kid, you weigh no pounds. That's true. Right.

Sure, but you're still like, I feel like I did not get 15. I bet I got way less than that. I don't know if I did. I remember the gymnastics girls would like kip the pull-ups and you're like, is this? Oh yeah, I remember trying to, I tried to do that. Is that when you like go up

The bar? No, that's a muscle-up. I'll post that now. I'll post that right here. I tried to muscle-up one time. It fucking ruined my elbow. It was terrible. You could probably do one, I bet. You do a bunch of pull-ups, right? I can do pull-ups, but muscle-ups fuck my shit up. Can I tell you something? I guarantee you, you could do it. See? I love that about you. Thank you, brother. He's a trainer. You gotta train him. I also know my take back for today.

You can do it. I would actually like that, that like hang, just hang instead of doing like a pull up. I would like to see how long I could actually just hang. Hang for a hundred seconds is tough. Is it? Yeah. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Yeah. That'd be very tough, I think. Well, just, just hanging like a dead drop or just like a, like a chin above the bar. Like this. 100 seconds. Hang for a hundred seconds there. Yeah.

Yeah, no. Kyle, remember at Christian Camp when they had the competition? Yes, sir. Remember? Christian Camp? This dude was busy making out in the hallways and smoking, bro. Yeah, dude. Kyle's out there fucking and Blake's like, watch me hang from this pole.

No, we didn't hang. It's God's penis. What did we do? What are you talking about? You grabbed a chair and you had to hold the chair out in front of you like straight arm. Oh, yes. Lock your elbows. Yes. And you had to see how long you could hold the chair. Yo, you guys were fucking bored. No, dude, because Jesus will let you hold it longer. Yeah.

Oh my god. No, it wasn't even like a... It wasn't faith-based. It was just something to do. It was out of boredom. Durst nailed it. We were bored as fuck at Christian Cram. Thank you, God! They're like, yo, I forgot the Super Nintendo. Watch this. Alright, guys, if you can hold this chair for 20 seconds, you're going to heaven.

I got you, bro. Admittedly, do kids nowadays ever do shit like that? Or is it all on iPads and iPhones? Dude, totally. I'm not around kids. I'm asking you guys. Because I was thinking that today. All the dumb shit I would do, I would collect

all of like my baseball and basketball cards and then for fun i would like put i would categorize them differently yeah i used to flip through cards so much depending on the day like hey i'm doing i'm doing all tops and all don russ together and then it'd be like i'm gonna go put all the players together and then it's like i'm doing alphabetical order or whatever the fuck yeah what the fuck i love and that was like my fun thing for the day my dad thought i was a psychopath

It's just part of being human. But I bet now if you just gave me an iPad and I was the same age, I'd just be playing Fruit Ninja or whatever. It's a little bit of both. I mean, my kids do all sorts of organizational shit, right? They're like, I'm going to organize my Legos today. And you're like, amazing. I'm going to go drink nine drinks. Nine. That's where I stop. That's where I stop. Comedy callback from last week. I'm taking it.

I'm going to go take the edge off real quick. Sometimes they go to other kids' houses and everybody just jumps on their iPads and they're bummed. What's a trip? And then I got to intervene and be like, we're all going to play 500 or football or whatever the fuck it is. And they're like, ew. What's 500?

Kind of. You've got to motivate them. 500 for like so many. What do you mean? What's 500? You throw the ball. Like everyone's there to catch it. And you call it the number. You call it 100. Oh, right. And then 50. And then every once in a while you call it and you go negative 100. And then they have to like, oh, no. They do this move where they're like. Is that basically like three flies up or with math?

Sure. Moving on. Yeah. Yeah, I think Kyle, because I never played 500. What the fuck is that? You never played 500? That never came to the West Coast? What?

West Coast. Hold on. He just said West Coast. I know. And my posture got better when I said it too. I went West Coast. We played three flies up. And what is that? Three flies up is you catch three balls and then you get to be the guy who throws it. That's piggy bounce out, right? Is that somebody batting that? Piggy bounce out? You're joking.

Nobody played Piggy Bounce Out? I don't know Piggy Bounce Out. I was there for the 500. Where's Piggy Bounce Out? Hey, slide into Blake's DMs and tell him you know about Piggy Bounce Out. Yeah, fuck you. Hey, Ders, you got to stop doing that, man. I don't give a fuck. Too many people are sliding in my DMs with dumb ass shit. Dude, slide into Blake's DMs. Hit

Hit him up about Piggy Bounce Out. What is Piggy Bounce Out? Piggy Bounce Out is essentially – Sounds like a strip club. Somebody's up – no, it's essentially a game of softball. Everybody's in the outfield. Somebody pitches. Someone's up at bat. And I think you can catch it or you can get it on one bounce, right? All right.

And so... It sounds dope. If you're hitting the ball, you're hitting the ball until somebody catches it or gets it on one bounce, and then the person who got it, they get to bat. And then the person to bat... They want to catch it. They want to bat, right? Yeah, because everybody wants to bat. Exactly. So it's basically like you're scrambling to catch the hit. But if you're just hitting grounders the whole time... So you're pushing people out of the way to fucking catch the ball and shit? Is that what you would do, Blake? That's interesting. I probably wouldn't. Huh. Huh.

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What was your guys' favorite, like, playground game? Piggy Bounce Out. Steal the Bacon. Steal the Bacon. We would play King of the Mountain a lot on, like, the snow. Let's go grade. Let's go age. Can we go specific age? Like elementary school. Like elementary school. Like fifth grade. Okay, fifth grade. Let's do that. We would play, like, a fucking Warriors game of King of the Mountain. Yeah. Uh...

That wasn't school sanction, though, right? No, it wasn't. Probably the yard duties would be like, quit playing that shit. Yeah. What? For sure. It was a way to get very injured. Did you guys play tetherball? I loved playing tetherball. Oh. I never played. We didn't have that at my school. What the fuck were the rules of tetherball?

No one knew. You just had to knock it to wrap it all the way around, right? Yeah, but you had to agree on if you could grab the rope. Those were called ropeys. Of course you can't grab it. What? You could play different with other people. There were different sets of rules. Wait, but you could never ever grab the rope.

No, you could. If you allowed ropeys, yes, you could. You could if you allowed ropeys, and then you could really zing that shit. Let me tell you what that is. That's an older brother doing that to a younger kid, and then him bringing that to school, and other people being like, yeah, all right, I guess he'll beat us up. Yeah, okay, ropeys now, because Daryl said so. No, because you could really throw that shit hella far.

Well, not far, but hard. You also could do something called bottle caps. Do you guys remember? Do you remember bottle capping? That's where you held it at the top of it. Yeah, buddy. What does that mean? You know it. Held what at the top of what? You could catch the ball, grab it, and fucking throw it every time instead of just... But that's like doing a thumb war and saying snake attack. It's like...

What are you doing? That's not a thumb. Tag team. No, it's the thing. What's happening on theirs is you play the game so damn much that you're just trying to say my name in public. You're just trying to fucking spice it up a little bit. That's not spicy, though. That's that's essentially all we got. Some big tetherball guys that knew all the rules. Well, I don't think it's cheating if you're both on the same playing field. If you have a discussion beforehand and you say, are ropeys allowed? OK, ropeys are allowed. Bottle caps. Yeah, man. Bottle caps.

then that's a fair game. Yeah, then it's also not the game. Okay, he's a purist. He's a tetherball purist. You want to go play pickleball and then make up a bunch of new rules? It's no longer pickleball. Well, house rules, like if you can play a game where it's like, okay, if you hit it, say pickleball. You can't talk about pickleball again. I was going to say pickleball.

Guys. I'm trying to speak his language. Slippery slope. I don't know. 50-yard dash, but if you do it with your tongue out, you get an extra second. What the fuck are we talking about? We're talking about being in fourth grade. I'm talking about 10-year-olds. I don't know about you. Sports have rules. What do kids call smear the queer now?

What do they call that? Obviously, that's not the tether ball tether ball. No smear the queer what they don't call it anything I I don't know what game you're talking about. We played a game. You guys don't know this game for real I know the game of course we know I'm asking what they call you just tackle the person with we never called it that what is that called?

Yeah, get them. I don't think. It's called get them. I bet it might be get them. It's called way up. It's crazy that that was just the name of the game. And we all called it that. And you never thought of it being a bad name. It was just like the name of the game. No, no, no, no, no. Wait, hang on. I don't know if queer meant gay. It just meant like get the weirdo.

Queer doesn't mean gay. It just means different, right? Yeah, I guess. It definitely is homophobic, just for sure. I don't know. I don't know if that was the genesis. Maybe that game was invented in the 50s when queer meant different. Yeah, maybe. Like gay didn't mean gay. Gay meant happy. Well...

I don't like this plot anymore. To be fair, when we were playing it growing up, I wasn't allowed to call it that. You know what they call a bundle of sticks, didn't you? This is another episode of... I mean, we never played at my house. And the house that we played at, they had bad parents, I think. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what I mean, yeah. Once the other parents, once the good parents caught wind of it, they'd be like, oh, let's not play that. Or at least don't call it that. Call it get them. Well, now they have these ones. The new names are kill the guy with the ball, which is cool. What? Why does he got to be a guy? That's weird. A little wordy. Every man for himself football. Every man? Okay, I'm offended. Yeah, me too. Here's the best one. Ruffy up.

Oh, I think I like Ruffy up. It's cool. Ruffy up is off the chart. I remember playing one day and I was wearing a t-shirt that was my favorite shirt. It was a shark attack shirt. And then there was holes ripped out on the side. Like it's sure. Is this the Alcatraz Alcatraz shirt or just a shark attack? It just said shark attack. And then there was like,

blood and like some cuts in the side of the shirt. Classic. I think I saw you one time as a kid. Wearing that? Yeah. On vacation. I think I might have saw you like on a road trip. I need that. We went to Chicago one time so it's possible. That was yours. Went to Michael Jordan restaurant. Went to Wrigley Field for sure. Got a bright pink Cubs hat and my dad kept going, you sure you want that one? Yeah.

Yeah.

You got to play rough them up. It was neon pink. And I'm like, I'm like, hell yeah, this one. And he's like, are you sure? Okay. You don't want this blue one? No. It was the nineties. It's like 93, 94 elementary school. Hypercolor. It was like hypercolored. And I'm like, no, this one. He's like, they got blue ones. And I'm like, I know. I don't want that one. Your dad's a good guy though. He's a good guy. He was just staring me. Right. He's the product of his environment. And yeah,

Yeah, he taught me how to play Smith and Queer. Yeah. Ruffy Up. Called Ruffy Up. And I remember playing once and being so...

They ripped my shirt off, but I was so... It was like my most athletic ability was that day. I came home not wearing any shirt. Yeah. With shirtless... The shirt that's already ripped. Yeah, it's already ripped. With the fucking shark bite on it. It for sure wasn't that great. I think I just made it to the end zone twice in the game. And normally I think I got... Is there an end zone?

Yeah, there's like a safe zone. There's like a safety zone. Oh, I thought it was just like go. Like you tried to like just be free as long as possible. You just grab the ball and run home. Yeah, until like you dart around until you like get tackled or whatever. No, we play with like little safe zones, like touch zones. Oh, touch zones. You know what we used to use for our safe zones in those games was like juniper bushes. So you would just jump as hard as you could into the fucking juniper bushes.

What does a juniper bush look like? Well, you should know, Blake. You obviously use the same one. Oh, man, there's a lot of sticks and leaves and stuff. Bend over and show me. I think I kind of remember. They have little gray berries with spikes. Yes, and they smell very pungent. Kind of like Christmas trees. Mom would get pretty pissed if you jumped in the juniper bush too much. I wish we could go back to those memories when we were kids where you think you're being...

Teach ourselves to do the splits. Oh, man. If I could do that. No, no. Look at moments when you're in your memory. You're like, God damn. That was such a bright, shiny moment for me that day where I was the toughest guy on the field and my shirt got ripped off and I walked home. My mom's like, where's your shirt? I'm like, I don't need it. And...

to look back at that moment and just see me out there. Well, your son burned and had mosquito bites. Just kind of getting my ass kicked, barely getting away from these kids. They ripped my shirt off. I think it's like an amazing moment in my life. Dude, yeah. If I have a part of one of those, I remember this fucking kid tried to jump me in a bathroom and I hang on and I round... Sorry about that. Hold up with it. I round-housed kicked him.

Yes, dude. Hit him with a roundhouse kick and then he went flying into the... See, he went flying. A roundhouse kick? It worked. How did it work? He went into the stall door and went into there and then I walked out and then afterwards he... You put on a leather jacket and sunglasses and you're like,

I guess my work is done here. He came up to me after basketball practice. I can't remember what it was. It was like fifth grade or something. He comes up and I'm like, dude, am I about to fight this guy again? And he's like, yo, where'd you learn how to do that kick? And I was like...

fucking showdown in little Tokyo. I don't know. Like, yeah, it feels like you were just playing like too much double dragon. Right. Exactly. But like I landed a roundhouse and I was tired or two and like it, I, not that it ended the fight, but I just left the bathroom after that. And then someone was like, where'd you learn that? That's incredible.

I wish I could go back to him like just wherever you kicked him into he just like sat there like gathered himself and he's like that was a good ass kick can you imagine how like dumb that kick was I know yes I wish there was a camera there in that bathroom with little little turds going hi-yah kicking this kid having this kid also be a little bitch who just falls over he was a big kid but he was kind of clumsy or whatever uh

You can say it. A little clumsy.

He was goofy. That's what I'm saying. Okay. Wait, what did you beat up a special needs kit? Look, he wheeled right at me. Wait a second. No, I'm just saying this is a new way. Oh, I don't know if it wasn't. Oh, it was not an unfair fight, but I was like, okay, I'm okay. Like, let's put it this way. I was okay. I was okay. Roundhouse kick at this dude.

So he was a special needs kid. Is this what we're a step? But he was like taller than me, heavier than me. Big kid. Okay. Big kid. Special. Okay. You are dodging the question. Different school. Learning. Yes. No. Regular kid went to my school. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Regular. Oh, yeah. Did you guys ever play butts up? Oh,

Oh, yeah. Butts up was a good one, dude. Is that like way off? No. Butts up is great. That's just dodgeball with kids bending over. Butts up is handball. It's handball where if you miss, you have to put your hands on the wall and then people get to throw the tennis balls at your butt. If you miss what?

If you fumble it or something. It has to be perfection. Adam, do you know what's happening right now? I don't know. I don't remember butts up at all. Let me get the butts up rules. I think you had to bounce it once off of the ball wall. How many people? What are we talking? That's what it was. Okay, say there was... It could have infinity people. You just needed to know who you were after. There's 100,000 people. Yeah, they...

Let's say it's two people. Thank you. You bounce it once. It has to hit off the wall, and then it bounces up. And then if the next player has to catch it, and if they drop it, they have to run and touch the wall before you throw the tennis ball and hit the wall. And if they throw the tennis ball and it hits the wall before you touch it, then you have to stand against the wall with your ass out, and they get to throw tennis balls at your butt. Wait, so you pull your ass out.

Did you have the fingers crossed? Maybe after school. Did you have to pull your pants down? I don't remember pulling my pants down. You don't have to, but you can. Blake did, but Blake did every time, and it was his favorite game. Yo, we're playing Butts Up 7 Up after school. Be there or be square. You're by yourself. Yeah, butts up. Nobody...

Oh, I guess everybody's scared to play. And Blake was really bad at the game. They kept throwing this ball at his bare ass. You didn't have to go nude, dude. It was just like, you were scared because they're going to throw a ball as hard as they can at your ass. I got my hands on the wall. Yo, the game is not butts up. The game is nuts up. Did we ever play that where you have to stand facing the thrower?

Yeah, you have to watch. No, no, no. That's when you, that's when you tuck your nuts behind and it's a fruit basket and that's what they aim for. Oh my God. I'm living a nightmare. Finally, any take backs, apologies.

Are we there? Have you been timing? Yeah, we're there. Oh, strangle my nuts. I just want to feel something. Just like you love to feel something. I got to take back. I'm sorry I say that sports need rules. I understand that evolution takes place and rules can change. Okay, thank you. But sometimes if rules change, maybe the name changes too. Yes, yes, the asterisk. Okay, wow. Way to walk back in apology.

There's a what? Asterix. Am I saying that wrong? I feel like you've been on me. Now you are. You said it right there. What was I saying? Asterix? You were saying like as if it was singular. Asterix. Oh, an asterix. It can never be singular? I don't know if that's the word. I think it is singular. Yeah. I think it can be. But it's with a Rix. Right, right. Hit it with the Rix. Rix or Rix. You always...

They gotta watch they gotta watch on YouTube I'm all good

If I find out that was fake, I'm going to be pissed. No, it's very low in my chair. Lower than I've ever been. You saw my frame earlier. I was testing the bottom of my frame. I wanted to see how low I could get down here. Oh, okay. You did it. Sure, yeah. You might just fall right out of your chair if you sit like that. And then if I lean forward, this is what happens. If I lean forward like this, my ass starts sliding. That might be good for butts out. Nuts up. Nuts up.

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