Ep 96: Rear Nekkid Grandma
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Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about... The first time I got a blowjob, the girl jumped out of a window immediately afterwards. He walked right up to me and kicked me straight in the testicles. I gotta get these braces off or they'll get caught up in some pubic hair. Frickin' see ya!

Here we go. Start your engines. Yeah, baby. I got nothing. I got nothing. I got nothing. Diarrhea. Oh, boy. We're getting into it already. Already? Already? Now, Blake, are you trying to tell us you have diarrhea? Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

What's going on? It's definitely on the cusp. For sure. Did you have some beers? Is that what's happening? Yeah. You're currently on the cusp of it? I didn't shit right for like... This is TMI out the gate, but... All right. Here we go. Coming on fire, baby. For like two straight weeks because of, I think, my borderline alcoholism. Borderline? I was drinking so much that all my shits were...

were super liquid, dude. Very gross style. The cause of diarrhea. And then I was like, it can't just be the booze. That can't be it. And then I haven't drank in like two weeks because I'm trying to clean my act up and, you know, snap this chin fat back in shape. Right. And my shits are so solid now, dude. It turns out it is the booze. You got some real healthy logs happening? Yeah. Oh my God. I wish we had the, you know when like you screen a movie to see if it tests well or not? Like, I wish we had those

Do we get to see the results of this conversation just dialing up and dialing, nose diving right now. I don't know. I think our fans are here for hot, hot diarrhea talk. Dude, if we're talking diarrhea out the gate, I'm going to let you guys know how I was feeling because I wasn't feeling good there for a while. You know how some people call, they're like, I'm not really into scatological humor. They always...

Who says that? People. People who are above shit dookie jokes. They go like... I guess I've never talked to them. Yeah, fuck them, man. It's a little too scatological for me. Oh, yeah. You're talking... I forget you have fancy friends. Yeah, you're highbrow. It's scatological. Yes. I'm friends with candles. That's how fancy I am. You're very highbrow, dude. With candelabras. Naked grandma!

And that's another episode of... Did you guys see the UFC fan that called me out? Yeah. That I thought I was getting called out for a fight? How about that? Yeah. Well, shit. Like a fighter. He just had won a fight, huh? Yeah, he just won the fight. His name is Puna...

And then I'm going to butcher his last name. Serena? Sereno? Puna? Very cool. Yeah. So you're a huge fan. Butchered. Dude, I don't know anything about it. Now he's going to beat you up. And they said on the video, they were like, well, for people that didn't see it, he was like,

do you want to call anyone out? And he's like, yeah, I want to call out Adam Devine, the actor from Workaholics. And I was like, wait, is he calling me out for a fight? Because what are we talking about? Let's break it down, purse-wise. Have you guys heard about that new chokehold? And Blake, I'm going to need you to help me out on this one. It's called a rear...

It's a bagel. No, you're supposed to hit me with the naked grandma. Oh wait, do it again. It's actually called the rear NAKED GRANDMA! And it is pretty deadly. The rear naked grandma. That sounds real. So what's up with this guy? He's just a fan? No, I think he was just a big fan. A few of his friends were DMing me saying wish him good luck. But I don't really know the guy. Yeah.

Right, yeah. So I didn't do it, and I did not respond to any of these DMs. And then he calls me out in a press conference. What the hell? Right. Now he's getting the shout out. Yeah. Yeah. So, hey, what's up, Puna? I guess he's a big fan of the podcast. He listens every week. My main man, Puna. Who knew we had a UFC? A lot of the UFC athletes are into us. At least one. Yeah, I feel like- That's more than I kind of thought. I feel like that checks out. I feel like they would like to listen to us because they're like, I think those guys are fun, and I could beat them all up. Ta!

Yeah, maybe. Or maybe we're, like, they've been hit in the head so many times that, like, we're the only, we're the level of comedy that they feel comfortable with. Okay, for sure. Good lowbrow. They don't say the word scatological. Yeah, they love the scatological. The cause of diarrhea. I like that they're scatological for the most part. I'm really pissed that none of us ever MMA, like, trained. I'm really pissed. Yeah. I'm fucking furious. Dude.

I've never seen you this mad, dude. You're so charged. I'm pissed now. Yeah, I don't really see that. I don't know. I feel like if any of us would do it, I would see it would be Blake, to be honest. There was a moment when I was going to start walking down that path. What? When? Well, we were kind of, what is it called? Rubbing shoulders, bumping elbows. What is it?

Both. Both are phrases. We're waiting for you to... Yes. I don't know. What is it? You know we would pull up to like those Spike TV parties. Docking? Are you talking about docking? I was docking this MMA fighter. Yeah. Are you soaking? Is this when you got into soaking? Yeah, I was soaking. Did you put him in a rear...

Thank you, Adam. No, we were like at parties, like Spike TV parties, and MMA dudes would be there and shit, UFC fighters. And I remember becoming friends. I can't remember his name anymore, but... My God. What a fan. And what a story. This guy was ready to turn pro.

So wait, so you met a guy one time? No, I met him at several events. Like, he would be like my drinking buddy when you guys weren't there. And then? When were we not there? We were always there at every event. You weren't there for me. I don't know. The way he said we went to Spike TV parties, I was like, maybe twice. But it sounds like you might have been just...

Every year you were just showing up. They're like, I guess we'll let him in. I'm sorry. Let me backstage. Are we talking Spike TV or Spike Ball? Dude, I was just in the audience for Guys' Choice Awards. I was so hyped. Right. As an usher, you were like, hey, player. As a seat filler. Hey, y'all got these four right here, player. You sit there, okay? Yeah, you're just a featured extra.

at the Guy's Choice Awards. I was just a seat filler like four years in a row because I just wanted to be close to the action, to my Guy cons. I could see that for you. I get it. I get it. I wanted to see who took home the buckhorns, baby. But I do feel like Blake's got wrestling in his jeans. Okay, yes. Right?

At least one time I saw him wrestling something in his jeans. Well, no, no, no. Blake says he has wrestling in his jeans. I do. Also, my whole family wrestle. Yeah, well, we're... And they're also from Iowa. I know he's going to mention being from Iowa when he's not. But you're talking about...

Yeah, it's Iowa's the wrestling capital of America, right? That's fair to say, huh? I think, yeah, at least at one point. I don't know if it still is, but it for sure was when I was growing up. Yeah, it was big shit. In Iowa, which Blake did not grow up in Iowa. He likes to say, I'm the first born Californian. Wait, no.

Adam, what is with the heat from Adam as if this isn't something you guys might have connected on when you first met? You're like, oh, Iowa Waterloo. And he's like, yeah, me too. No, we never did. He always tried to out Iowa me, dude. It was actually kind of weird. How could I do that?

Dude, I don't know why you acted that way. Okay, ready? Pop quiz. Iowa, the name of the mascot for Iowa's University of Iowa is Hawkeye. The Hawkeye. Okay, and the mascot for Iowa State University is Cyclone.

Oh, shit. It's a dead tie. You're running out of all the knowledge that you have about Iowa. Corn. Ames, Iowa. Yeah, damn it. You got it. Field of. Yeah. Is this heaven? No, it's Iowa. Iowa. Yeah. I like we both stutter steps on that one a little bit. We were both like. Okay, ready? Spell Iowa. Spell Iowa. I-O-W-A.

No, what did your boys... Yes, Sam. Blake didn't even try. He was like, can't. I can't, dude. Adam Blaze. Dude, I always... Yeah, man, I'm literally from Iowa. I was there until I was 10 years old, and then we moved to Nebraska. I'm a very... Oh, so you left it hanging? Yeah, you claim Nebraska. I still rep Iowa, even though I... You never lived there. You never lived there. Wait, and how many times have you been there, Blaze? To Iowa? Yeah. Yeah.

No, let's cover Alaska and then we'll circle back to Iowa. I think like five times, maybe five times. Oh, okay. Yeah, worth claiming then. Adam woke up hundreds of times in Iowa as a young boy. I was there several hundred times. I know, but I feel like if you go to Nebraska, they draw a line in the sand. They got beef, Iowa and Nebraska.

So you kind of went to the other side. Nebraska's known for the beef. Dude, they have beef like any border state has beef. They're like, oh, fuck it. These idiots don't know how to drive. Who gives a shit? They don't really care. No, but that's like the first time. No, that is for sure a thing. In Wisconsin, they call Illinois people fibs. Fucking Illinois bastards. This is beef. Yeah, I know there's beef, but it's not like a real beef.

It's not like if you have a barbecue and then someone from Iowa comes to our barbecue in Omaha, Nebraska, we're like, get the fuck out. It's not Hatfield and McCoy's. At first, but I know six deep, it gets a little frisky. Yeah, man. You know this. I know it does. I know it does. Okay, Iowa. When I was in Nebraska, remember they kept saying that Iowa stood for idiots out walking around? And I was like, whoa. I know.

never heard that that's amazing it's so bad yeah it's perfect i had never heard that before the funniest drunk dude in the group was like it fucking stands for it is out walking around or something points we gotta make sure it's points dude points

Can we make up a better one right now on the spot? No, I don't know if we can. No, that's a great one. Yeah, it is out walking assholes.

idiotics did you just say idiots out walking ass idiotic outdoor warts on their asshole okay you added on the idiot idiots i'm wandering around is probably that's the cleanest i would say i would need to but what does it even mean night just means they're out walking around like there's a bunch of idiots wandering around yeah are they

allegedly i mean allegedly yeah thank you this is true i don't know i'm sure there's idiots out walking around everywhere it doesn't matter right that's why i'm like but it's just that's not the name of the state i'm gonna start using the word iowa to describe like a music festival like how was it i don't know it's kind of iowa wow there's a bunch of iowas there okie dokie you know like no shots fired against iowa go iowa yeah you guys need to stop talking shit about my freaking home state bro

But I will say that Blake does have that long lean. Thank you. Which can be good in wrestling. There we go. Right? I'm sorry, wait. Wrestlers are long and lean? I thought they were very short. Sorry, not wrestling, but you look like an MMA fighter. Like you could be an MMA fighter. MMA, yes.

He has a high waist, long legs. Yeah, using his legs for kicks. Oh my gosh. Short torso. Yeah, so he's doing some... He's the guy from Bloodsport who was doing this. Oh yeah, like revving the Harley. And Jean-Claude's like, okay. Yeah, like starting a motorcycle. I'll put the thing up there and then he fucking kicked him. Like, oh, you fell for it. God, I just... I don't think I would ever want to do...

MMA though. It looks so painful when they, the thing I hate the most is when they just start kicking each other in the fucking legs. Like that looks. And the sound of like.

Everything else I'm cool with, but the leg kicking is like, what the hell, dude? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's just put this out there. You're cool with everything else in MMA except for the leg kicks. Copy that. Dude, the leg kicking. You're cool with those spinning backhanded punches to the face? The jumping knee. Yeah. It is cool that we saw this come out of nowhere. Like,

Remember when UFC first started? There was literally no rules, and people were just biting each other and shit, and you're like... Can we just say who the OG was? Ken Shamrock. Oh, sure. Yeah, then he went WWE. Ken Shamrock was the name I remember from childhood, where it was just like... Dan Severin, the Beast.

Is that before or after Shamrock? They were around the same time, I think. And then there was this one dude. And of course, like Hoist Gracie. Hoist Gracie and like the whole Gracie clan. I like all the MMA fans right now that listen to our podcast are fucking losing their minds. No, not in a good way. They're going like these fucking idiots.

don't know anything. Hey, what about Tank Abbott? Shout out to the one dude with the mustache. The one dude with the mustache. That's Dan Severin. The beast. Okay. Okay, Big Dan. He's got a mustache. But I liked Tank Abbott. He was just like this fat dude and he was like a bouncer and he had no skill except he'd punch people. See, that's what we need. There has to be. There's like other leagues, right? Like Rough and Rowdy or some shit. I believe that's a league. I think that's a strip club. Yeah,

maybe. Hey, it could be a tight butthole. Sounds like a cool strip club. Remember there was that, what was that one, like Tough Guys or something? It was like on FX and it was just like construction workers fighting each other. That's what I want to see. I want to see guys that like might win a bar fight but have no real skills outside of

I mean, was that Kimbo Slice, RIP? He was a backyard fighter who then, I think, tried to go pro, and it kind of became... Yeah, he did. And he got, I want to say, got his ass whooped. Well, because he wasn't technical. He was just aggressive, and you couldn't get in to punch him in the face. He was just so top-heavy. But I don't know if he had the best...

legs? I don't know what we're talking about, but he got worked. I don't know if he had the best legs. I think he got taken to the ground and then it was over. Yeah, it's a totally different game now, though. It's so, like, I mean... Did you guys ever get into any, like, fights in high school or middle school? Yeah, of course.

I didn't. I never got it. You never did? No. Cool. Because everyone you were what they call you Afro embryo? Afro fetus. Yeah. Afro fetus. No one's going to fight Afro fetus. Zip it. And you're already Afro fetus. I don't know. I feel like I was cruising for a bruising, but I always talk my way out of it. Yeah. I just feel like it was just gym class. Like you'd fight somebody in gym class twice a year.

like throw hands yeah it would just get physical like somebody's crowding a plate or whatever and you're like i'm gonna blow through this dude oh no like uh in gym class crown the plate like playing kickball or baseball softball whatever you say i'm gonna light this bitch up somebody's like hacking in basketball and you're like look i'm not even that good i'm not gonna make it you don't need to found me like that

Just me? So he had to throw hands. I know. Ders is the one to snap. He'll snap on you. Yeah. You were getting guarded too hard? I just feel like there was a lot of physicality happening in gym class. Right. Hey, stop blocking my shot, dude, or I'm going to fight you. No, but when you get hacked, when you're getting hacked and you're like, what? We've all seen those Instagram clips of people where it's like, is he playing too hard? And it's like a dude dragging somebody to the ground. And you're like.

But that's how the game is played in middle school and high school. There's no finesse yet. There's no skill. No, I'm with you. I feel like it wasn't that for me. It was if I ever felt slighted in any way. Right. You would slowly poison them over months. I would constantly pour a little something into their drinks. A little bit.

No, if it was – I remember like the first day of school when I moved from Iowa to Nebraska. And one of the kids, Chris Bauer – what's up, Chris? He pushed off of me. Allegedly. And I – Allegedly. And he pushed off of me, and I was like, oh, shit. I'm the new kid. This is like prison. If he pushes off of me, I will be a bitch at this school.

For the rest of forever. Sorry, what does push off of you mean? Like we're playing football. So he like pushed me to the ground. He was much bigger. In gym class? Recess. Okay. Fair enough. I'm just saying. I remember thinking like it wasn't the act of getting pushed. It was like, oh, if I don't stand up for myself in like a prison sense of like you have to tackle the biggest kid and he was the biggest kid, I'm going to be a bitch at this school. Right.

So then I tackled him and started to like fight him. Right. And I got on top of him, straddled him, straddled him. And, uh, what is that called? Blake Blake, what is that called in MMA that you almost did? Um,

I believe that's called... That's not side control. Is that a rear... Naked grandma! It's a full mount. It's a full mount, I believe. It's a full mount. Full naked grandma. You took full mount. Go ahead. So I full mounted, and then I remembered my other friend of mine that... I ended up growing up with these kids. This kid, Danny Beard, was like, oh my God, the new kid's beating up Adam. You're on top of him, and he was saying... Adam's... Adam's...

Adam's beating up... You're like, I'm beating him up. What do I have to do to get your respect? The new kid is beating up Chris. Sorry, I smoked weed right before this, guys. Nice. The new kid's beating up Chris, and then he started kicking my ass, and then we went to the principal's office, and the teacher was... We're sitting there before the principal comes in, and Chris just goes, Yo, let's just say we're friends. What was that about? And I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm the new kid. And he goes...

let's just say we're friends. I'm like, okay. And then the principal comes in and we just lied and said that we were best buds and got out of it. And then were you friends after that? Yeah, and then after that it was good. That's what's cool about being a guy is you can really... Speaking of docking, 69, dudes! You could really fight each other and become friends again. Like you and Nujic, first time you guys met. That is true. We can circle back because you just reminded me of when my neighbor was a new kid. Matt Ryan, shout out.

and during recess, he got in a fight with Alton Dennis. Oh, damn. And they were going at it, and it was like hands, and then Matt like punched him in the face and broke his glasses, and then he was like, man, you broke my glasses. My mom's gonna kill me, dude. And it was like, he like stopped. Everyone stopped and like helped pick up the pieces and be like, no, you could tape that. Like, you know what I mean? It like became like,

Fuck, dude. There's a greater evil that now we got to work together to make sure this dude doesn't get his ass kicked when he gets home. Dude, that is so... Those are the strongest bonds. They're forged in hatred. It's just the way it is. You would think so. Yeah, me and Kyle almost fought and then I barely know the guy. It doesn't show up in the podcast. That's true. Oh, we didn't even mention that. Where the fuck is Kyle? Well, we're so used to it now. We're so used to it.

Oh yeah, the bitch. He's on dad duty. It's all good. He's being a father. One of my greatest friendships I forged with my buddy Awand, the way that we met is he kicked- Awand Leather? Yes, Awand Leather. You know it. Yeah, we're talking leather goods, Awand. Absolutely. We were on, you know, it was recess. Stop what you're doing and go to awandleather.com.

Does he have a .com? I don't think that's it. I think it's Kawan Custom Leather. No, but he's got an Instagram. I hope he gets some serious business from all these UFC fans that are listening. Yeah, get some sick-ass walking into the octagon gear. Whoa, like a sick leather belt that holds all your...

I don't know what you need before. Like a watermelon. Yeah, what does he make? Specifically, he made that purse for Kyle, right? Didn't he make that purse? What about like a cool like Vader mask? Like big Van Vader. That would be sick. Like leather straps. Wow, right. Did Mankind wear a mask like that? He did. Mankind had a sick leather mask. So we're talking Mankind? If you're an MMA fighter and you want a sick Mankind-esque leather mask...

Go to awandleather.com. Let's go! Or his Instagram. Or his Instagram. I think it's awandcustomleather. Okay. So, you fought him. Anyways, the way that we forged it is at recess. Who? At recess. Awandleather.

He was talking shit, and we were talking shit to each other. I don't know what it was about. Probably some kind of like... We were playing butts up or something, and he cheated or something. Okay, what? What's butts up? I told you guys about it last week. It's when you throw the tennis ball at each other's ass. But anyways... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He walked right up to me and kicked me straight in the testicles. Like so hard that it crippled me. Like I went down. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, not okay. So he was one of those kids that...

would way overreach dude he just knew how to fucking put me down bro yeah i feel like there was that kind of fighter it was either kids that just okay we're gonna fight and see how it goes or a kid that like my neighbor pulled a knife on me because i took his hat as like a joke you don't kick someone in the nuts that's somebody who watched roadhouse too much or something right well the thing that guys don't go to awan leather don't you don't want to take it back

Freaking see ya. Well, then the thing that was awkward about it is my mom babysat him. So he had to go to my mom's after. We had to see each other. So we kind of linked up after school. Like, yo, you kicked me in the balls. Like, that wasn't cool. Now we have to go to my house. That is the gnarliest...

He straight up kicked you in the nuts. Well, the way that we bonded is that there was also this girl we didn't like, Nancy, who my mom watched as well. And we just ditched her and hid in a bush. Shout out to Nancy. That's cats out of the bag. Yeah, so that's how we forged. Sorry, Nance. You know Nance listens. Yeah, for sure. I mean, we talked about this last week where I did a fucking roundhouse on somebody. And then my mom was like...

Do you have a ride home, Darnell? And he was like, no. He's like, oh, we'll take you home. And I was like, I just fucked this dude like seven minutes ago, Mom.

Hey, sorry about it. There's no, it's the mystique is gone. When you're not in control of your life as a kid and your parents are like, we're going this way, that way with whoever, like you can't, you can't be cool. You can't. It's impossible. You're just at the whim of your, of your fucking parents, man. Man, let's, let's get into it. You want to talk to parents? Let's talk about all on leather a little more.

Did he... So he kicked you in the nuts. Then it was just game over. You never tried to... Retaliate? Retaliate or say like, okay, you got a nut kick in on me. I have to bitch slap you or do a nut kick. Because what you got to do is go, that didn't even faze me, dude. Even though you're like, I got a nut to steal here, player. It's interesting.

How old were you?

17. I must have been like fourth grade. How old are fourth graders? Like 10? Yeah, like 9 or 10. 9 or 10? Yeah, you're 9. That's so crazy.

Hi.

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Remember being nine? No. Dude, isn't it so crazy being like that there's nine, ten-year-old people in grade four or five? It's crazy, man. I will say that that is when I imagine being a little kid. It's never being in like second grade. It's never being like seven years old. It's always being like eight, nine, ten right there. When you're like old enough to kind of do stuff.

Should we get into what happened around seven, Adam? Adam's like, from five to eight, I can't remember anything. For whatever reason, I blocked it out. I was actually tripping. I think that was the age that my parents were like, okay, you're allowed to like...

walk to your friend's house and then that the freedom of like doing that I was like oh shit and I could throw rocks at squirrels right yeah I can like take a bunch of berries wait no parents I'm instantly killing animals laughing

You guys, have you done this yet? Goodbye. You can like hold a cat underwater. It's so weird. Like, cause that you are so young at the, at those stages of your life. But like, do you remember just, just saying curse words all the time? Just being like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Like going nuts in fourth grade, just loving it. Oh, I bet having a fourth grader is going to be super annoying. Cause they're always just like in the room going like shit, fuck, fuck. And you're like, what'd you say?

Nothing. Oh, but now the kids are just like, they're saying all the stuff that people our age say, like literally. They just say literally constantly. Oh, sus. Yeah.

Right, yeah, they're just saying sus a lot. Yeah, that's sus, yo. Damn! But my eight-year-old drops sick a lot, and I'm like, all right, it could be worse. That's kind of sick. He's like, dad, is this encyclopedia sick? I'm like, yeah, dude. Go, crack that shit, dude. I love that. Hey, dad, is knowledge sick?

Would you consider knowledge sick? Yeah, it is. I mean, and he's a kid from California, which is just so weird for me now. Hey, not from Iowa. It's weird that you guys are going to have a bunch of California kids. We might ship out to Iowa. Where are you, moving back to fucking Nebraska? No, I'm never in California. That's true.

Part German, part South Carolinian. That is true. That's kind of cool. That's a cool mix. Yeah. Yeah. That'll be sick. Kind of typical, but yeah, that's cool. Kind of sus almost. Isn't it kind of a trip though? Because you get to like junior high and you're still so young, but then like people start getting blowjobs and stuff. It's fucking crazy. Right. You know somebody who, I remember hearing a story. They're like, yo, we watched so-and-so fuck so-and-so. And he had like a green condom on.

and his dick looked all weird. Dude, it's all hearsay. And I was like, and I was nine or ten, and I was like, What? Yeah, man, you definitely can't be fucking with no green condom on and have your dick look all weird when you're fucking in front of a bunch of people. Like an alien dick, and also, what's a condom? And also, why are you, is he wearing one? You just know nothing. It's crazy. And it's all just like rumor mill shit, and it's just insanity. It is crazy that people that are like sexually advanced whores

way too young. Yeah, and you're like, what am I doing wrong? Yeah, I mean, honestly, you're like, I gotta step my game up. I just watch Rocco's Modern Life all day. What the fuck?

my very best friend started having sex very young and so we would go we would hang out as like a threesome and they would like have sex like at the behind the bed as i'm playing sega alone just fuck it and they're like it's like to be a divide from the parents so it's me like playing sega right and they're fucking right next to me basically yeah at what age are we talking

12? No, we were probably 14 at this age. Like 6th, 7th grade. Okay, alright. That's insane. Yeah, that is insane. It's wild. Also, 14 is insane. If you ever see a 14-year-old, you're like, Jesus. 14, you're definitely ahead of the curve. But 12, and then you're 10 or 9 and you're hearing about this, you're like, I guess I gotta start doing some sit-ups or something. That fucking sucks, man. I'm so flabby. I have to quit eating Gushers.

I've got to lay off the gushers. I've got to get these braces off so I don't get caught up in some pubic hair. I think I might have told this on the pod, but they were... These two people were having sex. And what kind of sex are they having at 14? Is it like full-on positions? Or is it just like missionary? We did it. Cool. Thanks for guarding the door. I think it's missionary. I don't really remember a ton of positions. And also, I'm...

It wasn't watching. But you know what I'm saying? You're pretty deep into Altered Beasts. No, I got it. But specifically this time, I was trying to look. Oh, yeah. I think I'm... Yeah, and they didn't complete their basement. So there was room between the top of the wall and the ceiling. And so I tried to stick my head through to look. And I'm standing on a toolbox. And the toolbox slips and falls off the counter. And now I'm hanging there.

With my head through this wall choking as my friends look up and see me fucking perving on them in the seventh grade. See ya. Eighth grade, maybe?

Damn, dude. That could have been really bad. What if you died that way? Can you imagine? That's how I died. I know. I mean, it could be worse. I guess. Your last couple of hard bodies going at it. You're proud of them. It's your good buddy. Yeah, that's true. He would never be able to have sex again. His friend died. He caused his friend to die. He just... His friend died. I'm pretty sure this... I'm going to put this on Adam. Sorry. I'm not blaming... Yeah.

This other dude. Yeah, no, I will take the blame for that one. Just being a perfect little seventh grader. I always like when our podcast veers back into very young people fucking. Because I think that's what the first episode was about. And then we get away from it, and that's kind of fun. Luggage talk, that's always fun. But yeah, back to 12-year-olds. We do.

It's just about growing up, man. That's what this pod is really about, is growing up and the fact that we can't. Oh, my God. Now, this is important. That shit's important. That shit's important.

Middle school was like a desperate search to just see a nipple, right? It was like, I just got to get there. I got to like get to second base. That just has to happen or else I can't graduate. You can't walk. You can't get to your diploma. It was first base for me. I'm like, I just want to kiss a girl. Yeah. You weren't kissing girls? I was in a wheelchair, man. There was not a lot of...

Either I was in a wheelchair or a fucking walker. Right. And this is like before the ramps, before ramps were everywhere. Yeah. It truly sucked. It was just like the only attention I would get would be like girls would push me to like my next class. I'm like, oh my God. Right.

You know what you should have done? Dude, I got the perfect plan that you should have done. Oh, shit. Tell me. So you know how there's two handles on the back of the wheelchair? I'll tell my kid when he for sure steps out in front of a truck. You have to. It'll make you funny. You have to. It'll make you funny. There's two handles on the back, right? Yeah. You should have like snuck your dick all the way.

the way up into one of the handles and then when they grab it you're getting a hand job dude i blew it man goodbye is it is it three feet long and skinny because it could have worked wow dude that's a really good idea man hey and you're like uh go faster now stop and go and stop adam you're crazy oh my god

Yeah, that's pretty good. That's some good advice. It's weird you didn't try that. You could have tried it. I guess you could have tried it. Maybe. No, I was not that advanced in middle school. That's true, yes. I mean, this is me as a 41-year-old kind of knowing how things work. Yeah, you know exactly all the moves to pull, yes. Yeah.

Freaking see ya. That's pretty cool. I mean, what was your move? Like, did you have like a, hey, will you wheel me to my max class? Or did they like...

Were you batting them away? Were they like, can I wheel you? Can I wheel you? You said I could wheel you. What the fuck? But I ended up having just my buddy. Walsh, my buddy Kyle Walsh, wheeled me to a lot of my classes. And I had a few friends like that that would wheel me. And it was a good way to just get out of class five minutes early with your buddy. And you guys can go throw pencils into the ceiling. Oh, for sure. Did he know he was holding onto your dick right there? Yeah.

No, he knew. That's why he stuck around so long. He knew. I like that. And then he drove you years later as your assistant. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. It all came full circle. And I'd always wrap my dick around the steering wheel right before we took off. Dude, the stick shit? Work the stick. Work the stick.

It doesn't have four-wheel drive. Yes, it does. Yes, it does. Oh, it does. It does. It does. It does. I swear to God. It does. Hey, before we get out of here, just pull that parking brake real quick. Real quick. You got to pull it real hard. Where's the button on the end? You nasty. Hey, roll down the window really quick.

What is it? The crank? Yeah. Cool. Yeah, okay. I guess those existed. Can you adjust the rear view mirror? I do like the idea of the steering wheel itself being just a lasso of your penis from shotgun. Stomp on the brakes real hard. I...

I listen to books, audio books, when I ride my bike, you know? Okay. Very smart. And I was listening to David Spade's, like, I don't know, recent book, and he was talking about, like, his first sexual experience. And, I mean, I'm sure I've told this on the podcast as well, but what are we at, like, 90? You know, you got to start repeating stories. Yeah.

I don't care. I've heard them before. The first time I got a blowjob, the girl jumped out of a window.

immediately afterwards that's david spade or you though that's me looking back you can't blame her what does that have to do with david spade's book because he because he was talking about his first sexual experiences and i was like oh yeah in hindsight that is absolutely fucking insane that that was my first real sexual experience you're scarred right yeah

Let's unpack this. Yeah, let's unpack it. I like that you're... Yeah, I mean, I think... Was it her first or no? I don't want to get into it. That I don't know. I would assume probably not, no. She was very forward with me. You guys see the game last night? Should we cut to commercials? What are we doing? All right. Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

Have fun.

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Are there games right now? Is it just baseball? Because I feel like a naked grandma out here. I'm just dying to watch football so bad. Really? Yeah. Naked grandma! I didn't know you're a football guy. I'm not a football guy, but I like watching. I just want playoffs. I like watching it every Sunday and Monday and Thursdays. I can't get away from it. No, I just like football.

The intensity of a playoff. Playoffs! Like when everything is like on and everybody's playing at their best. I mean, undeniably, or I guess you could deny it, but I wouldn't like you.

The last season of football playoffs was like the greatest spectacle in athletic history. It was good. Every game was un-fucking-believable. It was really good. And that was another episode. And you're ready to get back in it. I'm ready for college football to start. That, to me, is the most fun. Collegiate football is...

most fun. And look at USC and UCLA and the Big Ten. Hopefully we get the Badgers out here to play a couple games at the Rose Bowl. I don't think that that takes hold for like another year. I think that's 2024. It's not taking hold? It's not taking hold. Naked grandma. I'm a dumbass. It's a total rear naked grandma. That is a rear... I don't believe it's taking effect.

Okay, that's a bummer. Yeah, I know, because I'm bummed at that too. It'd be cool to go see Nebraska kick UCLA's ass. Wait, is that what that means? I'm sorry, I'm pretty dumb about that stuff. What is that? Big Ten is like who you play. Kind of like your conference, right? Almost exactly like your conference. You have to play a certain amount of conference games. Okay, so now UCLA and USC are in the Big Ten.

Yes. It was a fucking crazy midnight phone call move that they made a couple weeks ago where they were just like, we're in it now. Because people are consolidating, people are moving around right now, and now Big Ten is in several different time zones, which is just a money grab, basically. It sucks, but it is what it is, and I think it's tight. There's a lot of money moving around college sports right now. Why does it suck? Why does it suck? To me, I just think it's...

It sucks for a kid who has to go to fucking class and has to fly to LA and back. Yes, but they were doing that anyway because there's tournaments in Hawaii, especially for basketball when the season's super long and hockey and swimming. But what sucks about it is that there used to be a bunch of conferences, right? So there would be several schools per conference that ran.

really mattered right that everybody tuned in for and then there'd be like five or so schools that like didn't kind of matter but they were affiliated with the bigger schools right so now all these bigger schools are getting together and they're in the same conferences now and then those other schools they're kind of getting left behind and so what happens is

Think about now name, image, and likeness. If you're a kid and you want to go to a school, you got to be off the Richter scale or you're not even going to be playing against any of these teams if you get onto these teams. Right.

So like all the think about like like an Iowa State. Like, I don't know where they are now. The Big 12 is fucked. Well, and it kind of kind of messes with like the tradition of who you play. Right. Like, isn't that half of what's fucking cool about college sports is that they've been playing each other for like 100 years.

Right. Like, wait, are Oklahoma and Tech, I don't know, but Texas left the Big 12. Did Oklahoma also leave the Big 12? Because that was like the huge rivalry, but I don't even know if they're in the same conference. I don't think so. Yeah, back in the day, Nebraska was in the Big 12, not even that long ago, what, like five, six years ago?

And that was, we would play Texas and Oklahoma damn near every year. And it was such a big deal, even though we got our asses kicked by them for the past 20 years. Right. And think about it. If you're a smaller school, now you can't even play good enough schools to be like, yes, we're a national contender. And then at a certain point, it's just going to be one mega conference of...

36 teams and they're gonna be like we're the cream of the crop this is the national championship if you're not in here fuck off nobody cares because you're not that good anyway

And then no one's going to care about the other smaller schools. And athletes are starting to make money, right? Like, that was the whole thing. Yes, with the name, image, and likeness. That's fucking crazy. Are you going to go to, like, you know, a smaller college that's not getting these TV deals and getting the exposure? Tulane. Tulane. Blake, thank you. Or are you going to go to fucking Nebraska and, like, get on TV? DeVry. DeVry. That's another college. Let's try to name colleges. Wisconsin. Go.

Should we do the name? Like start A and then the B and then C? I don't know. I would be so bad at that game. Does Albuquerque have a college? Very good. Very good. Boston College. Boston College. Brown. University of Chicago. You said DeVry? DeVry. Evanston Township College. Well, no. That's just almost my high school, but sure. Shut the fuck up! E? E?

Emerson? Emerson? Oh, Emerson. Yeah. Oh, Emerson, Lincoln, Palmer. A lot of film buffs coming out of Emerson. Fremont. Is that one? Fremont. You're just saying shit, dog. Fucking thing sucks! Nope, you're not going to job Florida State. Florida State! I feel like we've got ten minutes to go. Hey, I will say that this is more boring than...

When Blake can't remember the names of restaurants that he's been to. But what's cool is everyone listening is like, dude, I had fucking G in the chamber. I was ready to go. Georgia State. And way worse than luggage talk. I feel like luggage talk fucking slays. Now we're just listing things.

It only took us 90 episodes. But here's what's tight about it. Is everybody who went to those schools, kids who go to those schools right now are like, oh shit, they said my fucking university, dude. I'm a fucking fan for life now, bro. They're into it. Fighting Illini. Are we on the eyes now? I think so. I think so. E-F-G-H-H. We skipped H?

University of Hawaii. H-I. We got the L-I-N-I. I-J-J. Jay, what do we got? Let's end on Jay because I feel like Jay's not easy. Like a Jesuit. Jesuit university. That's a word. Jesuit. But Jay, look at us. We're drawing a blank. Shut up, bitch. Jay Jacksonville. Jefferson Jacksonville.

You're naming cities. Of course they do. There's a college there, man. If you name a city, yeah. Yeah, there's a college there. There's a college of Charleston. You never knew about it. Again, everyone at home right now, they're like, my school has a J. Juno. Junior college. How many universities are in Alaska? See, I got to Alaska. I knew I'd get there. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse, we're now thinking of what schools are

in alaska are there universities jesus blazer yeah i i would go to who fucking cares who gives a shit dog yo how many it's important bro that shit's important this shit's important fair enough hey fair enough i'm just saying that would be sick to go to school in alaska could you imagine the ragers you guys just go out and hunt wolves and shit and get fucked up

Yeah, I don't know if that's the experience. You've always had a weird affection for Alaska, and it is strange for me, especially a boy that's not from Iowa who's from...

California it's weird to me that you would just pick a lot that's such you been I get it I mean it's cool have you been no dude it's the last frontier it's gorgeous it's like we do a live show there in Juneau I would love to Anchorage Anchorage is fine I would like I would like to go it's one of the few states that I haven't been to but hang on a second Anchorage is fire yes

I'm not kidding. That you've always been like, Alaska's the shit. Even though you went one time. Yes, I had a great time. There's no denying that the wilderness in Alaska is... Cold. Uh...

Bar none. It's off the chain. There's like the Grizzly Man. Come on. Perfect movie. It's the last frontier. Yeah, it's great. But Anchorage is off the hook. Please give me like a couple Anchorage. Is the food off the chain? Yeah, what is so sick? Where is their Pounded Veal restaurant that you're going to recommend? No, they actually have a super badass pizza spot. I think it's called Moose Tooth, maybe. Okay. I think it's called the Moose Tooth. Okay.

I actually ate Thai pizza there, and it was fucking good, dude. I think Moose, too. If it's the place I'm thinking of, I think they have a stand-up show. It's huge. Camel Toe? I think it's called Camel Toe. It's huge, right? It's like a huge venue? Yeah, it's a big building, yeah. And then they do stand-up comedy there, I believe.

Yeah, it was like a really cool vibe. So wait, can we book that? Hey, Moose Tooth, we're clamoring for your pizza. We'd love to come do a live show. I would love that. Dude, I would love to. And then go out in the fucking great beyond and fight bears. Dude, I went to this... Oh, dude. Go ahead. I have a bear story. Oh, go off. I'm filming this new show. I'm not going to say what it is yet because I don't know if I can, but...

I'm in Canada. Pizza, pizza. And they're like, hey, okay, so you guys are going to be coming up this trail through the woods, so go back, keep going further, further, and then you're going to come this way. Keep going. Go. And we get to the end of this trail, and there's a fucking bear. What the fuck? The three of us are standing there with a PA. She's like, there's a bear, there's a bear. I'm like, walkie.

And then the dude I'm acting with, he lived in Vancouver for a while, so he's just like, get out of here, bear! And I'm like shitting my pants. And he's like, get out of here now, bear! And the bear kind of lazily pieces out. And then, of course, this guy. And is this person that you're with a famous actor? Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, for sure. People know. So who is this? And he knew how to handle a bear.

This is great. He's lived there. He's lived there for years, so he knew the whole routine. And then the big buff. And the routine is to say, get out of here, bear. That's the routine. Yeah, I feel like there used to be a few more layers to this. You get big and you shout. You want to yell? You shout at the bear. That's the exact opposite of what I thought you're supposed to do. I thought you're supposed to back away slowly and keep eyes on it.

I thought that was the move. No, that's for cats. No, you're supposed to be big. You can back away, but you're supposed to be big, shout, and I think that you're supposed to say the word bear because it's got like a, like a blunt kind of like. So you can just be like, beer bombastic. Yeah. Boobies. It's got that pop as opposed to being like, it's airline, airline. It's like bear. Airline. Yeah.

I wonder if that's how they were named bear. It was like they figured it, like cavemen figured it out that those were the noises that bears don't like. I think it just looked like a bear. But fucking, it was crazy. And then of course the cock diesel crew dudes came over and were like,

get the fuck out of here, bear. Like they were ready to fight it. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm sweating. That's great. Is there any more bugs? What kind of bear are we talking? Black bear? It was a black bear, but it was not small. It was legit. I got a video. I'll try and post it. I'll try and get it. That's crazy, dude. You survived a bear attack? That's so dope. So you've been there and back a few times or just the once or how long have you been home? I mean,

It's fucking crazy. I went last week for six hours and did a fitting and stuff. Welcome to Hollywood. And then last, I was just there for three days, and now I go back for a week. Goddamn. And then I come back for a week and finish that Muppets show here. And then I go back there. It's a lot of, you know, it's like a game of pickleball. God, I wish Kyle was here. That reminds me of pickleball, the goal line.

But that's my bear story. That's great. I was going to save it for a talk show. Yeah, you could reuse it, dude. You could still do it. Yeah. Yeah. You could totally reuse it. I'll reuse it. I was joking with the guy who did truly scare the bear away that I was going to say I did it. You were going to lie.

Well, you guys can maybe do a talk show together and you guys can reenact. Kimmel can act like the bear or something. I'm just pitching ideas. Shake that bear. Good ref. Sweet ref. Thank you. If you know what Shake That Bear is out there, you're a fucking weirdo. If you're a listener who knows what we're talking about, you're fucked up. You're one fucked up dude. Google it.

Damn. Is it time for take backs? Yeah, I'd say it's time for take backs, apologies, giveaways, epic slams. Um,

I got nothing. No, yeah. Perfect episode. I guess that's what happens when Kyle's not here. I feel like it's a perfect ep. Oh, do you guys have any takebacks about the episode I wasn't in? Is there anything you said that was a little off color or not necessary that you want to take back? I don't think so. No, I think I stand by absolutely everything. I just thought I'd ask. Was there something that was kind of... Did you listen to it? I did. I listened. I listened. I thought it was very funny. What was the one about deodorant or something? I don't know.

Oh, wait. It's pretty forgettable, but I laughed. Dude, we need to talk about, isn't there like a deodorant team up with Arby's or something? Yes, thank you. Finally someone said it. I fucking was watching YouTube the other day, and like obviously collabs are like a big deal. Yeah. And clothing. Yeah. And now Arby's, we have the meats teamed up with Old Spice. Yeah.

with a new fucking deodorant or something called the meat sweats. I mean, it has to be a bit, right? It has to be like... It's a bit till they make a billion dollars. Why would you want to smell like the meat sweats? No, you don't smell like the meat sweats. It's like this could even handle the meat sweats. Old Spice. Oh.

You don't smell like gyro. Oh, I thought you were just rubbing fucking roast beef on your armpits. Well, what does it smell like? Maybe it smells hella good. Well, it might, but dude, like, the collab games. Dude. Who are these people who are like, yo, I'm on the, hey, Arby's?

It's me, Johnny from Old Spice. I got an idea. You've got the meats. We cover the sweat. I saw a pretty cool collab that's coming out with Taco Bell. Come at me. Get at me. They're going to have a, like, you know, the Crunchwrap Supreme? They're going to replace the little, like, tostada in it and put in a gigantic Cheez-It. Yo. It's science. Cheez-It? Yeah, they're making a giant Cheez-It.

And it's inside the Cheez-It? The Cheez-It's inside the Crunchwrap Supreme. Oh, so that's the crunch now of the Crunchwrap? Yes. Holy fuck. Oh my god. And by the way, they should do this. I thought you were going to say they're doing a Crunchwrap Supreme, like Supreme the fucking brand was going to get on that show. Oh, I could see that happening. Because nobody would eat it. They would just keep it for years in a freezer and be like, I don't know when I'm going to reheat this shit. I love how popular Supreme

When I was in Germany, everyone was rocking Supreme. It's fucking wild. What a giant company that has become. It's worldwide at this point. I think they have a store in Paris. Do they have one in Germany? Yeah, it's right down the street from my hotel. That's fucking cool. Los Angeles. Well, they need to collab with Taco Bell. Crunchwrap Supreme with our faces on it?

Well, do we? It seems easy because I mean, their clothes are just totally fine. I mean, it just is like a fucking their logo just splattered on it. We should start our own company, dude. Our own fashion line. Are you having a laugh? Yeah. Called Supreme, but it's soup. Yeah, soup. Soup cream. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's pretty good. I feel like there was a moment where somebody tried to start shirts that said like super lame in their fonts, like in the box or whatever. Yeah. Because it did kind of hit a level, like maybe when they sold to that big company. But like, it's still pretty dope. The shit they make is still pretty hard. Yeah, I agree. I like what they produce. They got some good stuff. Is it? I just got some of their fucking, some ski goggles the other day. It is, Adam. I don't know if... Check it out.

you gotta check it out i don't i i don't know if it's your cup of tea well adam's more of a um steve madden this is true i wish i owned this god dang leave my guy send me my free shoes please but when they make like cool like little fingernail clippers for like 150 dollars yeah i'm all in yeah send it our way and i'm not and i'm not

They did send me some Supreme Speedo goggles and cap, and I was like, that's fucking tight. That's fucking cool. That's a thing. And then everybody at the pool was like, who do you think? They were like, hey, fancy goggles guy. And I was like, all right. Hey, money bags. I'm not going to wear these again. Yeah, it was. You better be fast, buddy. I said, eat my weight. Yeah, that's a good trash talk. Yeah.

Would you like to take anything back, Blazer? No, I'll give a double down special shout out to Alaska, especially to a little town called Seward. Seward, Alaska, probably one of the best places I've ever been. It's just a lovely fishing town. And if anybody in Seward is listening, how are you?

When the fuck did you go to Seward? Yeah, when were you there? When I went to Alaska the one time. I landed in Anchorage and I took... Blake, I'm so sorry that you think we know when you went there. Yeah, we don't. We don't. I mean, it's such a little... We're busy. Adam's a globetrotting movie star. It's such a little blurb.

in our lives. I remember seeing a photo of you being there looking cold and being like, oh, his dream has finally come true of he's a California boy. He can finally go. By way of Iowa. He's touching snow. By way of Iowa. He can finally go touch snow, be cold. Southern California, Northern California, Iowa made it to Alaska.

All right. Okay. I do remember going to New York with you for the first time and you were highly underdressed. You're like, it's really cold. I'm like, we're in New York City. You like had a hooded sweatshirt on and shit. Right. Our manager was wearing flip flops. I'm like, fuck it. Oh my God. That was a great trip. Is it high tide or low tide? When is high tide? When is low tide? If you find yourself in Seward, tell them Blake sent you. Fuck. Like, so just people who live there can say that to each other? Yeah.

Or if you go on a visit there, you can say, like, why are you here? Well, I heard it on a pod. And big shout out to Awand Leather Goods. Awand Custom Leather and the Fighter Pouya. Wait, what was that? Adam looked down like he had written that note, and I love it. Awand Leather Goods. And I want to get this right. Awand Leather Goods on Instagram.kizzle. It's Awand Custom Leather, and we hope you're buying a belt. And on that note...

Naked Grandma. Big shout out to Puna. Important. Naked Grandma. Hot, hot, hot, hot. Starbucks Iced Apple Crisp Oat Milk Shaken Espresso. Made with blonde espresso, creamy oat milk, and spiced apple flavors. It's a nicey crisp sip you can enjoy all autumn long. Order ahead on the Starbucks app.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Hey, guys. We here at This Is Important love Philadelphia cream cheese. It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it. What? I know, I'm crazy. Yeah, dude, it's hella good. You gotta try it. With so many unique recipes...

How could you go wrong? And yes, you could find a ton of recipes on the Philadelphia website. Visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding Philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home.