The Merry Wives of Windsor by William Shakespeare ~ Full Audiobook
02:35:50 Share

This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

You might say all kinds of stuff when things go wrong, but these are the words you really need to remember. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. They've got options to fit your unique insurance needs, meaning you can talk to your agent to choose the coverage you need, have coverage options to protect the things you value most, file a claim right on the State Farm mobile app, and even reach a real person when you need to talk to someone. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

This episode is brought to you by Peloton. Everyone has a reason to change. Growing old, heartbreak, a fresh start. Whatever it may be, Peloton is here to get you through life's biggest moments with workouts that challenge and motivation that keeps you coming back. Peloton's tread and all-access membership helps you set your targets, track your progress, and get stronger, making your fitness goals a reality. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit onepeloton.com.

ACT I. OF THE MARRY WIVES OF WINDSOR, by William Shakespeare. ACT I. SCENE I. WINDSOR. BEFORE PAGE'S HOUSE.

enter shallow slender and sir hugh evans sir hugh persuade me not i will make a star chamber matter of it if you are twenty sergeant falstaffs he shall not abuse robert shallow esq in the county of gloucester justice of peace and quorum ay cousin slender on custalorum ay and ratelorum too and a gentleman born master parson

who writes himself a megarow and any bill warrant quittance or obligation a megarow ay that i do and have done any time these three hundred years all his successors gone before him hath done't and all his ancestors that come after him may they may give the dozen white louses in their coat it is an old coat the dozen white louses do become an old coat well it agrees well

"'It is a familiar beast to man and signifies love.' "'The loose is the fresh fish, the salt fish is an old coat.' "'I may quarter, cuz.' "'You may, by marrying.' "'It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.' "'Not a whit.' "'Yes, pyre lady. If he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures, but that is all one.'

if sir john falstaff have committed disparagements unto you i am of the church and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and compromises between you the council shall bear it it is a riot it is not meet the council hear a riot there is no fear of gott in a riot the council look you shall desire to hear the fear of gott and not to hear a riot

take your viziments in that oh my life if i were young again the sword should end it it is better that friends is the sword and end it and there is also another device in my prain which peradventure brings good discretions with it there is anne page which is daughter to master thomas page

"Which is pretty virginity." "Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman." "It is that fairy person for all the world, as just as you will desire, and seven hundred pounds of monies, and gold and silver, is her grandsire upon his death's bed, got delivered to a joyful resurrection's. Give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old."

"'It were a good motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles "'and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.' "'Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?' "'Aye, and her father is make her a petterpenny.' "'I know the young gentlewoman. She has good gifts.' "'Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is good gifts.' "'Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is full stuff there?' "'Shall I tell you a lie?'

I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not true. The night, Sir John, is there, and I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will peep the door for Master Page. Knox. What ho! Got plus your house here. Within. Who's there? Enter Page.

here is god's blessing and your friend and justice shallow and here young master slender that peradventures shall tell you another tale if matters grow to your likings i am glad to see your worships well i thank you for my venison master shallow master page i am glad to see you much good do it your good heart i wish your venison better it was ill killed

how doth good mistress page and i thank you always with my heart la with my heart sir i thank you sir i thank you by ye and no i do i am glad to see you good master slender

how does yer follow greyhound sir i heard say he was outrun at cotswold it could not be judged sir you'll not confess you'll not confess that he will not tis your fault tis your fault tis a good dog a cur sir sir he's a good dog and a fair dog can there be more said he is good and fair is there john falstaff here

sir he is within and i would i could do a good office between you it is spoke as a christian's ought to speak he hath wronged me master page sir he doth in some sort confess it if it be confessed it is not redressed

is that not so master page he hath wronged me indeed he hath at a word he hath believe me robert shillow esq saith he is wronged here comes sir john

Enter Falstaff, Bardolph, Nim, and Pistol. Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me to the king? Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge. But not kissed your keeper's daughter? Toot, a pin, this shall be answered. I will answer it straight. I have done all this. That is now answered. The council shall know this.

twere better for you if it were known in council you'll be laughed at pauca verba sir john good warts good warts good cabbage slender i broke your head what matter have you against me merry sir i have matter in my head against you and against your cony catching rascals bardolph nym and pistol

you bambree cheese i tis no matter how now mephistophilus i tis no matter slice i say pauka pauka slice that's my humour where's simple my man can you tell cousin peace i pray you

now let us understand there is three umpires in this matter as i understand that is master page fidelisit master page and there is myself fidelisit myself and the three party is lastly and finally mine host of the garter we three to hear it and end it between them very good

I will make a brief of it in my notebook, and we will afterwards irk upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can. Pistol! He hears with ears. The Teville and his Tam, what phrase is this, he hears with ear? Why, it is affectations. Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse? Ay, by these gloves did he, or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else.

"'of seven groats and mill sixpences.'

and two Edward shovel-boards that cost me two shillings, and two pence apiece of yead miller by these gloves. Is this true, pistol? No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse. Ha! thou mountain foreigner! Sir John and master mine, I combat challenge of this Latin bilbo. Word of denial in thy labrous here! Word of denial, froth and scum, thou liest!

by these gloves then twas he be avised sir and pass good humours i will say merry trap with you if you run the nut-hook's humour on me that is the very note of it by this hat then he in the red face had it

it, for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass. What say you, Scarlet and John? Why, sir, for my part I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences. It is his five senses.

Fie! what the ignorance is! And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered, and so conclusions pass the careers. Aye, you spake in Latin then too, but tis no matter. I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves. So God hudge me.

that is a virtuous mind you hear all these matters denied gentlemen you hear it enter anne page with wine mistress ford and mistress page following nay daughter carry the wine in we'll drink within exit anne page oh heaven this is mistress anne page how now mistress ford mistress ford by my troth you are very well met by your leave good mistress

kisses her wife bid these gentlemen welcome come we have a hot venison pasty to dinner come gentlemen i hope we shall drink down all unkindness exeunt all except shallow slender and sir hugh evans

i had rather than forty shillings i had my book of songs and sonnets here enter simple how now simple where have you been i must wait it myself must i you have not the book of riddles about you have you book of riddles why did you not lend it to alice shortcake upon a hollowmas last a fortnight before michaelmas

come coz come coz we stay for you a while with you coz marry this coz there is as twere a tender a kind of tender made afar off by sir hugh here do you understand me

"'Aye, sir, you shall find ye reasonable. If it be so, I shall do that that is reason.' "'Nay, but understand me.' "'So I do, sir.' "'Give ear to his motions, Master Slender. I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.' "'Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says. I pray you, pardon me. He's a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here.' "'But that is not the question.'

The question is concerning your marriage. Ay, there's the point, sir. Merry is it, the very point of it, to Mistress Anne Page. Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands. But can you affection the omen? Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips, for diverse philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth.

therefore precisely can you carry your good will to the maid cousin abraham slender can you love her i hope sir i will do as it shall become one that would do reason nay got's lords and his ladies

you must speak possitable if you can carry her your desires towards her that you must will you upon good dowry marry her i would do a greater thing than that upon your request cousin in any reason nay conceive me conceive me sweet coz what i do is to pleasure you coz can you love the maid i will marry her sir at your request

but if there be no great love in the beginning yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance when we are married and have more occasion to know one another i hope upon familiarity will grow more contempt but if you say marry her i will marry her that i am freely dissolved and dissolutely it is a fairy discretion answer save the fall is in the earth dissolutely

the urt is according to our meaning resolutely his meaning is good i i think my cousin meant well i or else i would i might be hanged hua here comes fair mistress anne re-enter and page would i were young for your sake mistress anne the dinner is on the table

my father desires your worship's company i will wait on him fair mistress anne odds plesed will i will not be absent at the grace exeunt shallow and sir hugh evans will's please your worship to come in sir no i thank you forsooth heartily i am very well the dinner attends you sir i am not a hungry i thank you forsooth

go sirrah for all you are my man go wait upon my cousin shallow exit simple a justice of peace sometimes may be beholding to his friend for a man i keep but three men and a boy yet till my mother be dead

but what though yet i live like a poor gentleman born i may not go in without your worship they will not sit till you come in faith i'll eat nothing i thank you as much as though i did i pray you sir walk in i had rather walk here i thank you i bruised my shin the other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence

three vennies for a dish of stewed prunes and by my troth i cannot abide the smell of hot meat since why do your dogs bark so be there bears in the town i think there are sir i heard them talked of i love the sport well but i shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in england

You are afraid if you see the bear loose, are you not? Aye, indeed, sir. That's meat and drink to me now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and I have taken him by the chain. But, I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed, but women, indeed, cannot abide him. They are very ill-favored rough things. Re-enter page.

Come, gentle master slender, come, we stay for you. I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. By cock and pie you shall not choose, sir, come, come. Nay, pray you, lead the way. Come on, sir. Mistress Anne, you yourself shall go first. Not I, sir, pray you, keep on. I'd rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong indeed, la. Exeunt, Act 1, Scene 2

the same enter sir hugh evans and semple go your ways and ask of dr caius's house which is the way and there dwells one mistress quickly which is in the manner of his nurse or his dry-nurse or his cook or his laundry

EXIANT ACT I SCENE III

A room in the Garder Inn. Enter Falstaff. Host. Bardolph. Nim. Pistol.

and robin mine host of the garter what says my bully rook speak scholarly and wisely truly mine host i must turn away some of my followers discard bully hercules cashier let them wag trot trot i sit at ten pounds a week thou'rt an emperor caesar kaiser and fieser i will entertain bardolph he shall draw he shall tap

said i well bully hector do so mine good host i have spoke let him follow to bardolph let me see thee froth and lime i am at a word follow exit bardolph follow him

a tapster is a good trade an old cloak makes a new jerkin a withered serving-man a fresh tapster go adieu it is a life that i have desired i will thrive o base hungarian wight wilt thou the spigot wield exit bardolph he was gotten in drink is not the humour conceited i am glad i am so acquit of this tinder-box

his thefts were too open his filching was like an unskilful singer he kept not time the good humour is to steal at a minute's rest convey the wise it call steal foe a fickle for the phrase well sirs i am almost out at heels

Why, then, let kibes ensue. There is no remedy. I must coney-catch. I must shift. Young ravens must have food. Which of you know Ford of this town? I ken the wight.

He is of substance good. My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about. Two yards and more. No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waste two yards about. But I am now about no waste. I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford's wife. I spy entertainment in her. She discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation.

i can construe the action of her familiar style and the hardest voice of her behavior to be english rightly is i am sir john falstaff's he hath studied her well and translated her well out of honesty into english the anchor is deep

Will that humour pass? Now the report goes she is all the rule of her husband's purse. He hath a legion of angels. As many devils entertain, and to her boy say I. The humour rises. It is good. Humour me the angels. I have writ me here a letter to her, and here another to Paige's wife.

"'who even now gave me good eyes too, "'examined my parts with most judicious wiyads. "'Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, "'sometimes my portly belly.' "'Then did the sun on the dunghill shine.' "'I thank thee for that, Humour.'

"'Oh, she did so coarse o'er my exteriors with such a greedy intention "'that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning glass. "'Here's another letter to her. "'She bears the purse, too. "'She is a regent in Guiana, all gold and bounty. "'I will be cheater to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me. "'They shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both.'

"'Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page, and thou this to Mistress Ford.'

we will thrive lads we will thrive shall i sir pandarus of troy become and by my side wear steel then lucifer take all i will run no base humour here take the humour letter i will keep the haviour of reputation to robin hold sirrah bear you these letters tightly sail like my pinnace to these golden shores rogues hence avaunt

Vanish like hailstones, go! Trudge, plot away of the hoof, Seek shelter, pack, Falstaff will learn the humor of the age. French thrift, you rogues, myself and skirted page. Exeunt, Falstaff, and Robin. Let vultures gripe thy guts, For gourd and fulham holds, And high and low beguiles the rich and poor. Tester, I have in pouch, when thou shalt lack,

base Phrygian Turk. I have operations which be humors of revenge. What, their revenge? By Welkin and her star. With wit or

With both the humours I, I will discuss the humour of this love to Page. And I to Ford shall eke unfold how Falstaff farlet vile. His dove will prove, his gold will hold, and his soft couch defile. My humour shall not cool. I will incense Page to deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is

is my true humour thou art the mars of malcontents i second thee troop on act one scene four a room in dr kayess's house

enter mistress quickly simple and rugby what john rugby i pray thee go to the casement and see if you can see my master master dr caius coming if ye do in faith and find any body in this house here will be an old abusing of god's patience and the king's english i'll go watch go and we'll have a posset fort soon at night in faith at the latter end of a sea-coal fire exit rugby

an honest willing kind fellow as ever servant shall come in house withal and i warrant you no tell-tale nor no breed bait his worst fault is that he is given to prayer

"'He is something peevish that way. But nobody but has his fault. But let that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?' "'Aye, for fault of a better.' "'And Master Slender's your master?' "'Aye, for sooth.' "'Does he not wear a great round beard like a glover's paring-knife?' "'No, for sooth. He hath but a little wee face, with a little yellow beard, a cane-coloured beard.' "'A softly-sprighted man, is he not?' "'Aye, for sooth.'

but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head he hath fought with a warner how say you oh i should remember him does he not hold up his head as it were and strut in his gait yes indeed does he well heaven send anne page no worse fortune

Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master. Anne is a good girl, and I wish— Re-enter, Rugby. Out, alas! Here comes my master. We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man. Go into this closet. He will not stay long. Shut simple in the closet. What, John Rugby? John, what John, I say. Go, John, go inquire for my master. I doubt he be not well that he comes not home. Dun-dun, dun-a-dun-a.

Enter Dr. Chaos. What is you sing? I do not like this toys. Pray you go and fetch me in my closet on both year weird.

a box a green box do you attend what i speak a green box ay forsooth i'll fetch it you aside i am glad he went not in himself if he had found the young man he would have been horn mad fait fait fait fait ma foi est fait forchot je me vais a la cour la grande affaire is it this sir

Me lume en poquette. Te pêche. Quickly. Where is that knave rugby?

What John Rugby, John? Here, sir. You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come, take your rapier, and come after my heel to the court. It is ready, sir, here in the porch. By my throat, I tarry too long. Odds be, qu'il s'appeal, there is some simples in my closet that I will not for the world I shall leave behind. I

By me he'll find the young man here and be mad. Oh, diable! Diable! What is in my closet? Willin! Laron! Rugby! Marie-Pierre! Good master, be content. Wherefore shall I be content? The young man is an honest man. What shall the honest man do in my closet?

There is no honest man that shall come in my closet. I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of it. He came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh. Well. I, forsooth, to desire her to you. Peace, I pray you. Peace of your tongue. Speak of your tale. To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page, my master, in the way of marriage. This is all indeed, la, but I'll ne'er put my finger in the fire, and need not. Sir Hugh, sender you?

rugby bear me some paper tarry you a little a while i am glad he is so quiet if he had been thoroughly moved you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy but notwithstanding man i'll do your master what good i can and the very yea and the no is

"'The French doctor, my master. "'I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house, "'and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, "'make the beds, and do all myself.' "'Aside to mistress quickly.' "'Tis a great charge to come under one body's hand.' "'Aside to simple.' "'Are you advised of that? "'You shall find it a great charge, and to be up early and down late. "'But notwithstanding, to tell you in your ear, "'I would have no words of it,

my master himself is in love with mistress anne page but notwithstanding that i know anne's mind that's neither here nor there jack you jack nape give this letter to sir hugh by gaw it is a challenge i will cut his throat in the pack

and I will teach a scary jack-in-the-piece to meddle or make. You may be gone. It is not good you tarry here. By gaw, I will cut all his two stones. By gaw, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog. Exit simple. Alas, he speaks but for his friend. It is no matter of fear that. Do not you tell me that I shall have an page for myself? By gaw,

by gaw i will kill this jack priest and i have appointed mine host of the jatir to measure our weapon by gaw i will myself have anne page sir the maid loves you and all shall be well we must give folks leave to prate

what the goodger rugby come to the court with me by gaw if i have not on page i shall turn your head out of my door follow my heels rugby exeunt dr caius and rugby you shall have in fools head of your own no i know anne's mind for that never a woman in windsor knows more of anne's mind than i do nor can do more than i do with her i thank heaven

Within. Who's within there? Ho! Who's there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray you. Enter Fenton. How now, good woman, how dost thou? The better that it pleases your good worship to ask. What news? How does pretty mistress Anne? In truth, sir, and she is pretty and honest and gentle.

And one that is your friend, I can tell you that, by the way. I praise Heaven for it. Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall I not lose my suit? Troth, sir, all is in his hands above.

but notwithstanding master fenton i'll be sworn on a book she loves you have not your worship a wart above your eye yes mary have i what of that well thereby hangs a tale good faith it is such another nan but i detest an honest maid as ever broke bread we had an hour's talk of that wart i shall never laugh but in that maid's company

But indeed she has given too much to alcoholy and musing. But for you, well, go to. Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there's money for thee. Let me have thy voice in my behalf. If thou seest her before me, commend me. Will I, if faith that we will. And I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence, and of other wooers. Well, farewell. I am in great haste now.

Farewell, to your worship. Exit Fenton. Truly an honest gentleman. But Anne loves him not, for I know Anne's mind as well as another does.

Out upon it. What have I forgot? Exit. End of Act One. The spirit of innovation is deeply ingrained in America, and Google is helping Americans innovate in ways both big and small. Central Texas Regional Mobility Authority is using Google AI to create smarter tolling systems and improve traffic flow for Texans. This is a new era of American innovation. Find out more at g.co slash American innovation.

Raise the rudders. Raise the sails. Raise the sails. Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching. Over. Roger. Wait, is that an enterprise sales solution? Reek sales professionals, not professional sailors. With LinkedIn ads, you can target the right people by industry, job title, and more. We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Get started today at linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply.

Act II. SCENE I. BEFORE PAGE'S HOUSE. Enter Mistress Page with a letter.

What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see. READS

ha ha then there's more sympathy you love sack and so do i would you desire better sympathy let it suffice thee mistress page at the least if the love of soldier can suffice that i love thee

i will not say pity me tis not a soldier-like phrase but i say love me by me thine own true knight by day or night or any kind of light with all his might for thee to fight john falstaff what a harrid of jewry is this o wicked world one that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant

what an unweighed behaviour hath this flemish drunkard picked with the devil's name out of my conversation that he dares in this manner assain me why he hath not been thrice in my company what should i say to him i was then frugal of my mirth heaven forgive me why i'll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men

how shall i be revenged on him for revenged i will be as sure as his guts are made of puddings enter mistress ford mistress page trust me i was going to your house and trust me i was coming to you you look very ill nay i'll ne'er believe that i have to show to the contrary faith but you do in my mind well i do then yet i say i could show you to the contrary

O mistress Page, give me some counsel. PAUSE. What's the matter, woman? O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour. PAUSE. Hang the trifle, woman, take the honour. What is it? Dispense with trifles, what is it? If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted.

what thou liest sir alice ford these knights will hack and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry we burn daylight here read read perceive how i might be knighted

i shall think the worse of fat men as long as i have an eye to make difference of men's liking and yet he would not swear praised women's modesty and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncommonness that i would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the hundredth psalm to the tune of green's leaves

tempest i trow through this whale with so many tons of oil in his belly ashore at windsor how shall i be revenged on him i think the best way were to entertain him with hope till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease did you ever hear the like letter for letter but that the name of page and ford differs

to thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions here's the twin brother of thy letter but let thine inherit first for i protest mine never shall i warrant he hath a thousand of these letters writ with blank space for different names sure more and these are of the second edition he will print them out of doubt for he cares not what he puts into the press when he would put us to

i had rather be a giantess and lie under mount pylion well i will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man this is the very same this very hand the very words what doth he think of us nay i know not it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty

"'I'll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted with all. For sure, unless he knows some strain in me that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.' "'Boarding, call you it? I'll be sure to keep him above deck.'

so will i if he come under my hatches i'll never to see again let's be revenged on him let's appoint him a meeting give him a show of comfort in his suit and lead him on with a fine bait delay till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the garter nay i will consent to act any villainy against him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty oh that my husband saw this letter it would give eternal food to his jealousy

why look where he comes and my good man too he is as far from jealousy as i am from giving him cause and that i hope is an unmeasurable distance let's consult together against this greasy knight come hither they retire enter ford with pistol and page with nym

well i hope it be not so hope is a curtailed dog in some affairs sir john affects thy wife why sir my wife is not young he woos both high and low both rich and poor both young and old one with another ford he loves the gallimaufry ford

Love my wife? With leather burning hot, prevent or go thou, like Sir Actaeon he, with ringwood at thy heels. O, Odius is the name. What name, sir? The horn, I say. Farewell.

take heed have open eye for thieves do foot by night take heed ere summer comes or cuckoo birds do sing away sir corporal nym believe it page he speaks sense exit ford aside i will be patient

i will find out this to page and this is true i like not the humour of lying he hath wronged me in some humours i should have borne the humoured letter to her but i have a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity

he loves your wife there's the short and long my name is corporal nym i speak and i have ouch tis true my name is nym and falstaff loves your wife adieu i love not the humour of bread and cheese and there's the humour of it adieu exit the humour of it quotha here's a fellow who fights english out of his wits

i will seek out falstaff. MAG. I never heard such a drawling affecting rogue. MAG. If I do find it, well. MAG. I will not believe such a contantian, though the priests of the town commended him for a true man. MAG. 'Twas a good sensible fellow. Well. MAG. How now, Meg? Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward. Mistress Ford Whither go you, George? Hark you! Mistress Page How now, sweet Frank! Why art thou melancholy? George. I am melancholy?

i am not melancholy get you home go mrs page faith thou hast some crotchets in thy head now you go mistress page mrs page have with you you'll come to dinner george aside to mistress ford mrs page look who comes yonder she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight aside to mistress page

trust me i thought on her she'll fit it enter mistress quickly you are come to see my daughter anne i forsooth and i pray how does good mistress anne go in with us and see we'll have an hour's talk with you exeunt mistress page mistress ford and mistress quickly how now master ford you heard what this knave told me did you not

yes and you heard what the other told me do you think there is truth in them hang em slaves i do not think the knight would offer it but these that accuse him in this intent towards their wives are a yoke of his discarded men very rogues now they be out of service were they his men marry were they i like it never the better for that

does he lie at the garter ay marry does he if he should intend this voyage towards my wife i would turn her loose to him and what he gets more of her than sharp words let it lie on my head i do not misdoubt my wife but i would be loth to turn them together a man may be too confident i would have nothing lie on my head

i cannot be thus satisfied ah look where my ranting host of the garter comes there is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily enter host how now mine host

How now, bully-rook, thou'rt a gentleman! Cavaliero Justice, I say. I follow, mine host, I follow. Good evening and twenty, good Marshal DePage. Marshal DePage, will you go with us? We have sport in hand.

sir there is a fray to be fought between sir hugh the welsh priest and kies the french doctor good mine host of the garter a word with you drawing him aside what sayest thou my bully rook to page will you go thus to behold it

my merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons and i think hath appointed them contrary places for believe me i hear the person is no jester hark i will tell you what our sport shall be they converse apart hast thou no suit against my knight my guest cavalier none i protest but i'll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell him my name is brooke

only for a jest my hand bully thou shalt have egress and regress said i well and thy name shall be brooke it is a merry night will you go anne harris have with you mine host

i have heard the frenchman have good skill in his rapier tut sir i could have told you more in these times you stand on distance your passes stocados and i know not what tis the heart master page tis the heart tis here i have seen the time with my long sword i would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats

here boys here here shall we wag have with you i'd rather hear them scold than fight exeunt host shallow and page though page be a secure fool and stand so firmly on his wife's frailty yet i cannot put off my opinion so easily she was in his company at page's house and what they made there i know not well i will look further into it

and i have a disguise to sound falstaff if i find her honest i'll lose not my labour if she be otherwise tis labour well bestowed exit act two scene two a room in the garter inn enter falstaff and pistol i will not lend thee a penny falstaff why then the world's mine oyster which i with sword will open not a penny

i have been content sir you should lay my countenance to pawn i have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow

or else you had looked through the grate like a geminy of baboons i am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows and when mistress bridget lost the handle of her fan i took it upon mine honour thou hadst it not didst not thou share hadst thou not fifteen pence reason you rogue reason thinkest thou i'll endanger my soul gratis

"'Add a word. Hang no more about me. I am no gibbet for you. Go! A short knife and a throng. To your manner of picktatch. Go! You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue. You stand upon your honour. Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise. Ay, ay!'

"'I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand "'and hiding mine honour in my necessity, "'am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch, "'and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, "'your catamounting looks, your red-lattice phrases, "'and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour. "'You will not do it, you!' "'I do relent.'

What would thou more of man? Enter Robin. Sir, here's a woman would speak with you. Let her approach. Enter Mistress quickly. Give your worship good morrow. Good morrow, good wife. Not so, and it please your worship. Good maid, then. I'll be sworn as my mother was the first hour I was born. I do believe the swearer.

What with me? Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two? Two thousand, fair woman, and I'll vouchsafe thee the hearing. There is one Mistress Ford, sir. I pray, come a little nearer this ways. I myself dwell with Master Dr. Caius. Well, on. Mistress Ford, you say? Your worship says very true. I pray your worship, come a little nearer this ways.

i warrant thee nobody hears mine own people mine own people are they so god bless them and make them his servants well mistress ford what of her why sir she's a good creature

Lord, Lord, your worships are wanton. Well, heaven forgive you and all of us, I pray. MR. Mistress Ford, come, Mistress Ford. MR. Mary, this is the short and the long of it. You have brought her into such a canary as tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights and lords and gentlemen with their coaches. I warrant you, coach after coach,

after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly, all musk and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in such elegant terms, and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman's heart. And I warrant you they could never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty angels given me this morning, but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty."

and i warrant you they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all and yet there has been earls nay witches more pensioners but i warrant you all is one with her but what says she to me be brief my good she mercury marry she hath received your letter for the which she thanks you a thousand times and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absent from his house between ten and eleven

10 and 11. I forsooth, and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that she wot of. Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads an ill life with him. He's a very jealousy man. She leads a very frampold life with him, good heart. 10 and 11. Woman, commend me to her. I will not fail her. Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship.

mistress page hath her hearty commendations to you too and let me tell you in your ear she's as fatuous a civil modest wife and one i tell you that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer as any is in windsor whoe'er be the other and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home but she hopes there will come a time

I never knew a woman so dolt upon a man. Surely I think you have charms, la, yes, in truth. Not I, I assure thee, setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I have no other charms. Blessing on your heart, Ford. But, I pray thee, tell me this. Has Ford's wife and Page's wife equated each other how they love me? That were a jest indeed. They have not so little grace, I hope.

that were a trick indeed but mistress page would desire you to send her your little page of all loves her husband has a marvellous affection to the little page and truly master page is an honest man never a wife in windsor leads a better life than she does

do what she will say what she will take all pay all go to bed when she list rise when she list all is as she will and truly she deserves it for if there be a kind woman in windsor she is one you must send her your page no remedy why i will nay but do so then and look you he may come and go between you both and in any case have a nay word that you may know one another's mind and the boy never need to understand anything

for tis not good that children should know any wickedness old folks you know have discretion as they say and know the world fair thee well commend me to them both there's my purse i am yet thy debtor boy go along with this woman hexeunt mistress quickly and robin this news distracts me this punk is one of cupid's carriers

clap on more sails pursue up with your fights give fire she is my prize or ocean whelm them all say'st thou so old jack go thy ways i'll make more of thy old body than i have done will they yet look after thee wilt thou after the expense of so much money be now a gainer

good body i thank thee let them say tis grossly done so it be fairly done no matter enter bardolph sir john there's one master brooke below would fain speak with you and be acquainted with you and has sent your worship and mornings to drive the sack brooke is his name aye sir call him in exit bardolph such brookes are welcome to me that o'erflow such liquor

mistress ford and mistress page have i encompassed you go to via re-enter bardolph with ford disguised bless you sir and you sir would you speak with me i make bold to press with so little preparation upon you you're welcome what's your will give us leave drawer exit bardolph sir i am a gentleman that have spent much

my name is brooke good master brooke i desire more acquaintance of you good sir john i sue for yours not to charge you for i must let you understand i think myself in better plight for a lender than you are

that which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open. Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me. If you will help me to bear it, Sir John, take all or half, for easing me of the carriage.

sir i know not how i may deserve to be your porter i will tell you sir if you will give me the hearing speak good master brooke i shall be glad to be your servant sir i hear you are a scholar i will be brief with you

and you have been a man long known to me though i had never so good means as desire to make myself acquainted with you i shall discover a thing to you wherein i must very much lay open mine own imperfection good sir john as you have one eye upon my follies as you hear them unfolded turn another into the register of your own that i may pass with a reproof the easier

sith you know yourself how easy it is to be such an offender very well sir proceed there is a gentlewoman in this town her husband's name is ford well sir i have long loved her and i protest to you bestowed much on her followed her with the doting observance engrossed opportunities to meet her feed every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her

not only bought many presents to give her but have given largely to many to know what she would have given briefly i have pursued her as love hath pursued me which hath been on the wing of all occasions but whatsoever i have merited either in my mind or in my means

meed i am sure i have received none unless experience be a jewel that i have purchased at an infinite rate and that hath taught me to say this love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues pursuing that that flies

and flying what pursues. Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands? Never. Have you importuned her to such a purpose? Never. Of what quality was your love, then? Like a fair house built on another man's ground, so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.

to what purpose have you unfolded this to me when i have told you that i have told you all some say that though she appear honest to me yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her now sir john here is the heart of my purpose

you are a gentleman of excellent breeding admirable discourse of great admittance authentic in your place and person generally allowed for your many warlike court-like and learned preparations oh sir believe it for you know it

there is money spend it spend it spend more spend all i have only give me so much of your time in exchange for it as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this ford's wife

use your art of wooing win her to consent to you if any man may you may as soon as any would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection that i should win what you would enjoy methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously oh understand my drift

she dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour that the folly of my soul dares not present itself she is too bright to be looked against now could i come to her with any detection in my hand my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves

i could drive her then from the ward of her purity her reputation her marriage vow and a thousand other her defences which now are too strongly embattled against me what say you to it sir john master brooke i will first make bold with your money next give me your hand and last as i am a gentleman you shall if you will enjoy ford's wife

O good sir. I say you shall. Want no money, Sir John. You shall want none. Want no mistress Ford, Master Brooke. You shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment. Even as you came in to me, her assistant or go-between parted from me.

i say i shall be with her between ten and eleven for at that time the jealous rascally knave her husband will be forth come you to me at night you shall know how i speed i am blest in your acquaintance

do you know ford sir hang him poor cuckoldly knave i know him not yet i wrong him to call him poor they say the jealous wittily knave hath masses of money for the which his wife seems to me well favoured i will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer and there's my harvest home

I would you knew, Ford, sir, that you might avoid him, if you saw him. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits, I will awe him with my cudgel. It shall hang like a meteor o'er the cockle's horns. Masterbrook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.

"Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style. Thou, Master Brooke, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night. Exit." "What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him. The hour is fixed, the match is made. Would any man have thought this?

see the hell of having a false woman my bed shall be abused my coffers ransacked my reputation gnawn at and i shall not only receive this villainous wrong but stand under the adoption of abominable terms and by him that does me this wrong terms names a mammon sounds well lucifer well

barbason well yet they are devils editions the names of fiends but cuckold wittol cuckold the devil himself hath not such a name page is an ass a secure ass he will trust his wife he will not be jealous

i will rather trust a fleming with my butter parson hugh the welshman with my cheese an irishman with my aqua vitae bottle or a thief to walk my ambling gelding than my wife with herself then she plots then she ruminates then she devises and what they think in their hearts they may effect they will break their hearts but they will effect

god be praised for my jealousy eleven o'clock the hour i will prevent this detect my wife be revenged on full stuff and laugh at page i will about it better three hours too soon than a minute too late five five five cuckold cuckold cuckold exit act two scene three

a field near windsor enter dr caius and rugby jack rugby sir what is the clock jack it is past the hour sir that sir hugh promised to meet by gaw he has saith his soul that he is no come he has pray his bible well that he is no come

by God, Jack Oogbee, he is dead already, if he be come. He is wise, sir. He knew your worship would kill him if he came. By God, the herring is no dead so as I will kill him. Take a rapier, Jack. I will tell you how I will kill him. Alas, sir, I cannot fence. Villainy, take your rapier. Forbear.

His company. Enter host, shallow, slender, and page.

bless thee bully doctor good save you master doctor keys give you good morrow sir what be all of you one two three four come for to see thee fight to see thee foine to see thee traverse to see thee here to see thee there to see thee pass thy punto thy stock thy reverse thy distance thy montant

Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully! What says my Aeschyliopoeus, my Galen, my heart of elder? Ha! Is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead? By gawd! He is de coward jack-priest of de world! He is not show his face. Thou art a Castellan king urinal, Hector of Greece, my boy.

i pray you bear witness that me have stay six or seven two three hours for him and he is no come he is the wiser man master doctor he is a curer of souls anew a curer of bodies if you should fight you'll go against the hair of your professions is it not true master page master shallow you have yourself been a great fighter though now a man of peace

but he can's master page though i now be old and of the piece if i see a sword out my finger itches to make one though we are justices and doctors and churchmen master page we have some sort of our youth in us we are the sons of women master page

"'Tis true, Master Shallow.' "'It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor Keyes, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace. You have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, Master Doctor.' "'Pardon, guest justice. A word, Monsieur Mockwater?' "'Mockwater! What is that?'

Mock-water in our English tongue is valor bully. By gaw! Then I have as mush mock-water as the Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest, by gaw! Me will cut his ears!

he will clapper claw thee tightly bully clapper the claw what is that that is he will make thee amends by gaw me do look he shall clapper the claw me for by gaw me will have it and i will provoke him to it or let him wag me thank you for that

and moreover bully but first master guest and master page and eke cavaliero slender go you through the town to frogmore aside to them sir hugh is there is he he is there see what humour he is in and i will bring the doctor about by the fields will it do well we will do it adieu good master doctor

Exeunt, page, shallow and slender. By gawd! Me will kill the priest, for he speak for a jack-and-ape to one page.

let him die sheed thy impatience throw cold water on thy collar go about the fields with me through frogmore i will bring thee where mistress anne page is at a farmhouse a feasting and thou shalt woo her cried iame said i well by gaw me dank you for dat

by gaw i love you and i shall procure you de good guest de earl de knight de lords de gentlemen my patience for the which i will be thy adversary toward anne page said i well by gaw tis good well said let us wag then come at my heels jack rugby exeunt and of act two

This episode is brought to you by Max. Presenting HBO original comedy special, Brett Goldstein, the second best night of your life. Emmy-winning actor, writer, and comedian, Brett Goldstein brings his irresistible charm and quick wit stateside for his first ever HBO stand-up special. Goldstein sheds his testy Roy Kent facade to share his hilarious insights on love, sex, masculinity, and more. Brett Goldstein, the second best night of your life. Now streaming exclusively on Max.

Click fast and save big. Shop Blinds.com Spring Cyber Monday Sale and elevate your space with new custom window treatments today. DIY or let our pros handle everything from measure to install. Blinds.com makes upgrading your home easy with free virtual consultations, honest pricing, and free samples delivered to your door. Shop confidently with our 100% satisfaction guarantee. Hurry to Blinds.com Spring Cyber Monday Sale now. Save up to 45% with minimum purchase plus a free measure. Blinds.com

Act III. Scene I. A Field Near Frogmore. Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple.

i pray you now good master slender's serving-man and friend simple by your name which way have you looked for master caius that calls himself doctor of physic kaius marry sir the pity word the park word every way old windsor way and every way but the town way edg i most vehemently desire you you will also look that way kaius i will sir edg exit edg bless my soul how full of callers i am and trembling of mind

i shall be glad if he have deceived me how melancholies i am i will nog his urinals about his knaves costard when i have good opportunities for the irk bless my soul to shallow rivers to whose falls melodious birds sing madrigals there we will make our pets of roses and a thousand fragrant posies to shallow mercy on me

i have a great dispositions to cry melodious birds sing madrigals whenas i sat in pabillon and a thousand vagrum posies to shallow etc yonder he is coming this way sir hugh he's welcome to shallow rivers to whose falls heaven prosper the right

"'What weapons is he?' "'No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman from Frogmore, over the stile this way.' "'Pray you, give me my gown, or else keep it in your arms.' "'Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.' "'Oh, no, Master Parson. Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.' "'Aside.' "'Ah, sweet Anne Page!'

Save you, good Sir Hugh. Bless you, from his mercy's sake, all of you. What, the sword and the word? Do you study them both, Master Parrison?

and youthful still in your doublet and hose this raw rheumatic day there is reasons and causes for it we are come to you to do a good office master parson very well what is it yonder is a most reverend gentleman who belike having received wrong by some person is at most at odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw i have lived fourscore years and upward i never heard a man of his place gravity and learning so wide of his own respect

"'What is he?' "'I think you know him, Master Dr. Caius, the renowned French physician.' "'God's will and his passion of my heart.'

i had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge why he has no more knowledge in hippocrates and galen and he is a knave besides a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted with all i warrant you he's the man should fight with him aside oh sweet anne page it appears so by his weapons keep them asunder here comes dr keyes enter host dr caius and rugby

nay good master parson keeping your weapon so do you good maris the doctor disarm them and let them question let them keep their limbs whole and hack our english i pray you let me speak a word with your ear wherefore will you not meet me aside to dr caius pray you use your patience

in good time by gawr you are de coward de jackdawg john ape pray you let us not be laughing-stocks to other men's humours

I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends. Aloud. I will nog your urinals about your knaves coxcomb for missing your meetings and appointments. Diable! Jacques-Ruby, mine host de jatier, have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not at the place I did appoint? As I am a Christian soul now, look you, this is the place appointed.

i'll be judgment by mine host of the garter peace i say gallia and gall french and welsh soul curer and body curer ay that is very good

Peace, I say, here mine host of the garter. Am I politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial, so. Give me thy hand, celestial, so.

boys of art i have deceived you both i have directed you to wrong places your hearts are mighty your skins are whole and let burnt sack be the issue come lay their swords to pawn follow me lads of peace follow follow follow trust me a mad host follow gentlemen follow aside oh sweet anne page

exeunt shallow slender page and host do i perceive that have you not maket a sort of us

This is well. He has made us his vlouting stog. I desire you that we may be friends, and let us knock our brains together to be revenge on this same scull, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the garter. By gawd, with all my heart! He promised to bring me where's Aunt Paige. By gawd, he deceived me too. Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you.

follow act three scene two a street enter mistress page and robin nay keep your way little gallant you were wont to be a follower but now you are a leader whether had you rather lead mine eyes or i your master's heels i had rather forsooth go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf oh you are a flattering boy now i see you'll be a courtier enter ford well met mistress page

Whither go you? SIR JOHN FULSTARF. Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home? SIR JOHN FULSTARF. Ay, and as idle as she may hang together for want of company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry. SIR JOHN FULSTARF. Be sure of that. Two other husbands. SIR JOHN FULSTARF. Where had you this pretty weathercock? SIR JOHN FULSTARF. I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of. What do you call your knight's name, Sira? SIR JOHN FULSTARF. Sir John Fulstaff?

he he i can never hit on's name there is such a league between my good man and he is your wife at home indeed ex ex indeed she is lady s by your leave sir i am sick till i see her exeunt mistress page and robin has page any brains hath he any eyes hath he any thinking

sure they sleep he hath no use of them why this boy will carry a letter twenty mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score he pieces out his wife's inclination he gives her full emotion and advantage and now she is going to my wife and falstaff's boy with her a man may hear this shower sing in the wind

and falstaff's boy with her good plots they are laid and our revolted wives share damnation together well i will take him then torture my wife pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming mistress page

divulge page himself from a secure and wilful actaeon and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim clock heard the clock gives me my cue and my assurance bids me search there i shall find full staff i shall be rather praised for this than mocked for it is as positive as the earth is firm

that full staff is there. I will go. Enter page, shallow, slender,

host sir hugh evans dr caius and rugby will meet master ford trust me a good not i have good cheer at home and i pray you all go with me i must excuse myself master ford and so must i sir we have appointed to dine with mistress anne and i would not break with her for more money than i'll speak of

We have lingered about a match between Aunt Paige and my cousin Slender. On this day we shall have our answer.

i hope i have your good will father page you have master slender i stand wholly for you but my wife master doctor is for you altogether i begah and the maid is a love o me my nurse quickly tell me so mosh what say you to young master fenton he capers he dances he has eyes of youth he writes verses he speaks holiday he smells april and may

"'He will carry it, he will carry it. "'Tis in his buttons, he will carry it.' "'Not by my consent, I promise you. "'The gentleman is of no having. "'He kept company with the wild Prince and Poyne's. "'He is of too high a region, he knows too much. "'No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes "'with the finger of my substance. "'If he take her, let him take her simply. "'The wealth I have waits on my consent, "'and my consent goes not that way.'

i beseech you heartily some of you go home with me to dinner besides your cheer you shall have sport i will show you a monster master doctor you shall go so shall you master page and you sir hugh well fare you well we shall have the free-of-wooing at master page's exeunt shallow and slender go home jean rogby i coming on exit rugby

Farewell, my hearts. I will to my honest knight Falstaff and drink canary with him. Exit. Aside. I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with him. I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles? Have with you to see this monster. Exeunt. Act 3. Scene 3. A room in Ford's house. Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.

What, John? What, Robert? Quickly, quickly, is the buck-basket. I warrant. What, Robin, I say? Enter servants with the basket. Come, come, come. Here, set it down. Give your men the charge. We must be brief. Mary, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house, and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and

and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders that done trudge with it in all haste and carry it among the whitsters in datchet-meat and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the thames side you will do it i had told them over and over they like no direction be gone and come when you are called

Exeunt, servants. Here comes little Robin. Enter Robin. How now, my aeis musket? What news with you?

My master, Sir John, is come in at your back door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company. You little jack-o'-lantern, have you been true to us? Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here, and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it, for he swears he'll turn me away. Thart a good boy. This secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I'll go hide me. Do so.

Go tell thy master I am alone. Exit Robin. Mistress Page, remember you your cue. I warrant thee. If I do not act it, hiss me. Exit. Go to, then. We'll use this unwholesome humidity, This gross watery pumpion. We'll teach him how to know turtles from jays. Enter Falstaff. Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?

why now let me die for i have lived long enough this is the period of my ambition oh this blessed hour oh sweet sir john mistress ford i cannot cog i cannot prate mrs ford now shall i sin in my wish

I would thy husband were dead. I'll speak it before the best lord. I would make thee my lady. Ay, your lady, said John. Alas, I should be a pitiful lady. Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond. Thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tyre, the tyre valiant, or any tyre of Venetian admittance.

A plain kerchief, Sir John; my brows become nothing else, nor that well neither. By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so. Thou wouldst make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if fortune thy foe were not, nature thy friend.

Come, thou canst not hide it. Believe me, there is no such thing in me. What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn buds that come like women in men's apparel and smell like buckler's berry in simple time. I cannot.

But I love thee, none but thee, and thou deservest it. Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page. Thou mightst well say I love to walk by the counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln. Well, heaven knows how I love you.

and you shall one day find it. MR. Keep that in mind. I'll deserve it. MS. Nay, I must tell you, so you do, or else I could not be in that mind. MR. Within. MRS. MISTRESS FORD, MRS. FORD, here's Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would need speak with you presently. MR. She shall not see me. I will ensconce me behind the arras.

Pray you do so. She's a very tattling woman. Falstaff hides himself. Re-enter Mistress Page and Robin. What's the matter? How now? Oh, Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed, you're overthrown, you're undone forever. What's the matter, good Mistress Page? Oh, well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an honest man to your husband to give him such cause of suspicion.

What cause of suspicion? What cause of suspicion outpon you? How am I mistooken you? Why, alas, what's the matter? Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence. You are undone. 'Tis not so, I hope.

Pray heaven it be not so that you have such a man here, But 'tis most certain your husband's coming With half Windsor at his heels to search for such a one. I come before to tell you, if you know yourself clear why, I am glad of it, but if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed. Call all your senses to you. Defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.

What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my dear friend, and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril. I had rather with thousand pound he were out of the house." "For shame! Never stand you had rather and you had rather. Your husband's here at hand. Bethink you of some conveyance in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me? Look, here is a basket. If

if he be of any reasonable stature he may creep in here and throw foul linen upon him as if it were going to bucking or it is whiting time send him by your two men to datchet mead he's too big to go in there

What shall I do? Coming forward. Let me see it. Let me see it. Oh, let me see it. I'll in. I'll in. Follow your friend's counsel. I'll in. What? Sir John Falstaff? Are these your letters, knight? I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here. I'll never. Gets into the basket. They cover him with foul linen.

help to cover your master boy call your men mistress ford you dissembling knight what john what robert exit robin re-enter servants go take up these clothes here quickly where's the cow's staff look how you drumble carry them to the laundress and datch at meat quickly come

enter ford page dr caius and sir hugh evans pray you come near if i suspect without cause why then make sport of me then let me be your jest i deserve it how now whither bear you this to the landress forsooth why what have you to do whither they bear it you were best meddle with buck-washing

i would i could wash myself of the buck buck buck buck ay buck i'll warrant you buck and of the season too it shall appear exeunt servants with the basket gentlemen i have dreamed to-night i'll tell you my dream here here here here be my keys ascend to my chambers search seek and find out i'll warrant we'll unkennel the fox

let me stop this way first locking the door so now uncape good master ford be contented you wrong yourself too much true master page up gentlemen you shall see sporton on follow me gentlemen exit this is fairy fantastical humours and jealousies by gaw tis no the fashion of france it is not jealous in france

nay follow him gentlemen see the issue of his search exeunt page dr caius and sir hugh evans is there not a double excellency in this i know not which pleases me better that my husband is deceived or sir john what a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket i am half afraid he will have need of washing so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit

hang him dishonest rascal i would all of the same strain were in the same distress i think my husband hath some special suspicion of falstaff's being here for i never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now i will lay a plot to try that and we will yet have more tricks with falstaff his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine

Shall we send that foolish carrion, mistress, quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into the water, and give him another hope to betray him to another punishment? We will do it. Let him be sent for to-morrow, eight o'clock, to have amends. RE-ENTER FORD, PAGE, DR. C. AND SIR HUGH EVANS. I cannot find him. May be the knave braggíd of that he could not compass. ASIDE TO MRS. FORD.

Heard you that. You use me well, Master Ford, do you? Aye, I do so. Heaven make you better than your thoughts. Amen. You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford. Aye, aye, I must bear it. If there be any party in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment. By God, nor I too. There's no bodies.

fie fie master ford are you not ashamed what spirit what devil suggests this imagination i would not har your distemper in this kind for the wealth of winter castle it is my fault master page i suffer for it you suffer for a pad conscience

your wife is as honest a woman's as i will desires among five thousand and five hundred too by gaw i see tis an honest woman well i promised you a dinner come come walk in the park i pray you pardon me i will hereafter make known to you why i have done this come wife come mistress page i pray you pardon me

pray heartily pardon me. LADY MACBETH: Let's go in, gentlemen, but, trust me, we'll mock him. I do invite you tomorrow morning to my house to breakfast. After, we'll a birding together. I have a fine hawk with a bush. Shall we so? LADY MACBETH: Anything. If there is one, I shall make two in the company. If there be one or two, I shall make a the third. LADY MACBETH: Pray you, go, Master Page. I pray you now. Remembrance tomorrow on the lousy nave, mine host.

That is good, by gaw, with all my heart. A lousy knave to have his jibes and his muckeries. I see I cannot get thy father's love. Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet nan. Alas, how then?

why thou must be thyself he doth object i am too great of birth and that my state being galled with my expense i seek to heal it only by his wealth besides these other bars he lays before me my riots past my wild societies and tells me tis a thing impossible i should love thee but as a property he tells you true no heaven so speed me in my time to come

albeit i will confess thy father's wealth was the first motive that i wooed thee anne yet wooing thee i found thee of more value than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags and tis the very riches of thyself that i now aim at gentle master fenton yet seek my father's love still seek it sir if opportunity and humblest suit cannot attain it why then hark you hither

they converse apart enter shallow slender and mistress quickly break their talk mistress quickly my kinsman shall speak for himself i'll make a shaft or bolt on't slid tis but venturing be not dismay'd

No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for that, but that I am afeard. Hark ye, Master Slender would speak a word with you. I come to him. Aside. This is my father's choice. Oh, what a world of vile, ill-favoured faults looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year. And how does good Master Fenton pray you a word with you? She's coming? Do her cause? Oh, boy, thou hadst a father!

i had a father mistress anne my uncle can tell you good jests of him pray you uncle tell mistress anne the jest how my father stole two geese out of a pen good uncle mistress anne my cousin loves you ay that i do as well as i love any woman in gloucester he will maintain you like a gentlewoman

ay that i will come cut and long tail under the degree of a squire he will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure good master shallow let him woo for himself marry i thank you for it i thank you for that good comfort she calls you coz i'll leave you now master slender now good mistress anne what is your will my will

"'Odds heartlings! That's a pretty jest indeed. I ne'er made my will yet. I thank Heaven. I am not such a sickly creature. I give Heaven praise.' "'I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?' "'Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions. If it be my luck, so. If not, happy man be his dole.'

Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE.

Now, Master Slender, I love him, daughter Anne. Why, how now? What does Master Fenton hear? You wrong me, sir. Thou stilt haunt my house. I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of. Nay, Master Page, be not impatient. Good Master Fenton, come not to my child. She is no match for you. Sir, will you hear me? No, good Master Fenton.

Come, Master Shallow, come, son Slender, in. Know my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton. Exeunt, Page, Shallow, and Slender. Speak to Mistress Page. Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter in such a righteous fashion as I do, perforce against all checks, rebukes, and manners, I must advance the colours of my love, and not retire. Let me have your good will. Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.

i mean it not i seek you a better husband that's my master master doctor alas i'd rather be set quick i the earth and bowled to death with turnips come trouble not yourself good master fenton i will not be your friend nor enemy my daughter will i question how she loves you and as i find her so am i affected

Till then, farewell, sir. She must needs go in. Her father will be angry. Farewell, gentle mistress. Farewell, Nan. Exeunt, Mistress Page, and Anne Page. This is my doing now. Nay, said I, will you cast away your child on a fool and a physician? Look on, Master Fenton. This is my doing. I thank thee, and I pray thee, once to-night give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains.

now heaven send thee good fortune exit fenton a kind heart he hath a woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart but yet i would my master had mistress anne or i would master slender had her or in sooth i would master fenton had her i will do what i can for them all three for so i have promised and i'll be as good as my word but speciously for master fenton well i must of another errand to sir john falstaff for my two mistresses

What a beast am I to slack it! Exit. Act III, Scene V. A room in the Garter Inn. Enter Falstaff and Bardolph. Bardolph, I say! Yes, sir. Go fetch me a quart of sack. Put a toast in it. Exit Bardolph. Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames?

well if i be served such another trick i'll have my brains taken out and buttered and give them to a dog for a new year's gift the rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies fifteen in the litter and you may know by my size that i have a kind of alacrity in sinking if the bottom were as deep as hell i should down i had been drowned but that the shore was shelvy and shallow

a death that i abhor for the water swells a man and what a thing should i have been when i had been swelled i should have been a mountain of mummy re-enter bardolph with sack here's mrs quigley sir to speak with you let me pour in some sack to the thames water for my belly's as cold as if i had swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the rains call her in

come in woman enter mistress quickly by your leave i cry you mercy give your worship good morrow take away these chalices go brew me a pottle of sack finely with ake sir simple of itself i'll no pullet sperm in my brewage exit bardolph how now marry sir i come to your worship from mistress ford mistress ford

i have had ford enough i was thrown into the ford i have my belly full of ford alas the day good heart that was not her fault she does so take on with her men they mistook their erection so did i mine to build upon a foolish woman's promise well she laments sir for it that it would yearn your heart to see it her husband goes this morning a birding she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine

i must carry her word quickly she'll make you amends i warrant you well i will visit her tell her so and bid her think what a man is let her consider his frailty and then judge of my merit i will tell her do so

between nine and ten sayest thou eight and nine sir well begone i will not miss her peace be with you sir exit i marvel i hear naught of master brooke he sent me word to stay within i like his money well

Oh, here he comes. Enter Ford. Bless you, sir. Now, Master Brooke, you come to know what hath passed between me and Ford's wife? That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. Master Brooke, I will not lie to you. I was at her house the hour she appointed me. And sped you, sir? Very ill-favoredly, Master Brooke.

"How so, sir? Did she change her determination?" "No, Master Brooke. But the peaking Cornuto, her husband, Master Brooke, dwelling in a continual alarum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels, a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper;

and forsooth to search his house for his wife's love. What, while you were there? While I was there. And did he search for you, and could not find you? You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford's approach, and in her invention and Ford's wife's distraction they carried me into a buck-basket. A buck-basket?

by the lord a buck-basket rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks socks foul stockings greasy napkins that master brooke there was the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril and how long lay you there nay you shall hear master brooke what i have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good being thus crammed in the basket

A couple of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet Lane. They took me on their shoulders, met the jealous knave their master in the door, who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket. I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave would have searched it, but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well!

on went he for a search and away went i for foul clothes but mark the sequel master brooke i suffered the pangs of three several deaths first an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous rotten bell-wether

Next, to be compassed like a good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head, and then to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease. Think of that! A man of my kidney! Think of that! That am as subject to heat as butter. A man of continual dissolution and thaw.

it was a miracle to scape suffocation and in the height of this bath when i was more than half stewed in grease like a dutch dish to be thrown into the thames and cooled glowing hot in that surge like a horse-shoe think of that hissing hot think of that master brooke in good sadness i am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this my suit then is desperate

You'll undertake her no more? Master Brooke, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding. I have received from her another embassy of meeting. Twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master Brooke. Tis past eight already, sir. Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.

come to me at your convenient leisure and you shall know how i speed and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her adieu you shall have her master brooke master brooke you shall cuckold ford exit is this a vision is this a dream do i sleep master ford awake awake master ford there's a hole in your best coat master ford

"'This tis to be married. "'This tis to have linen and buck-baskets. "'Well, I will proclaim myself what I am. "'I will now take the lecher. "'He is at my house. "'He cannot scape me. "'Tis impossible he should. "'He cannot creep into a half-penny purse, "'nor into a pepper-box. "'But lest the devil that guides him should aid him, "'I will search impossible places.'

Though what I am I cannot avoid, Yet to be what I would not Shall not make me tame. If I have horns to make one mad, Let the proverb go with me, I'll be horn-mad.

for more information or to volunteer visit le dot o act four scene one a street enter mistress page mistress quickly and william page is he at master ford's already think'st thou

sure he is by this or will be presently but truly he is very courageous mad about his throwing into the water mistress for desires you to come suddenly i'll be with her by and by i'll but bring my young man here to school

Look where his master comes. 'Tis a playing day, I see. Enter Sir Hugh Evans. How now, Sir Hugh? No school to-day? No. Master Slender is let the boys leave to play. Blessing of his heart! Sir Hugh, my husband says my son Profits nothing in the world at his book. I pray you, ask him some questions in his accidents. Come hither, William. Hold up your head. Come. Come on, Syrah, hold up your head. Answer your master, be not afraid. William.

How many numbers is in nouns? Two. Truly I thought there had been one number more, because they say odds nouns. Peace, your tattlings. What is fair, William? Pulcher. Polecats, there are fairer things than polecats, sure. You are a very simplicity omen. I pray you peace. What is lapis, William? A stone. And what is a stone, William? A ball. No, it is lapis.

I pray you, remember in your praying. Lapis. That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles? Articles are borrowed of the pronoun, and be thus declined singularita. Nominativo. Hick, hick, hock. Nominativo. Hig, hag, hog. Pray you, mark. Genitivo. Huyus.

well what is your accusative case accusativo hink i pray you have your remembrance child accusative hung hang hog hang hog is latin for bacon i warrant you leave your prabbles oman

what is the focative case william oh vocativo oh remember william focative is carrot and that's a good root amen forbear peace what is your genitive case plural william genitive case i genitive

Horum, harum, horum. Vengeance of Jenny's case, fie on her. Never name her child, if she be a whore. For shame, Omen. You do ill to teach the child such words. He teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'll do vast enough of themselves, and to call horum, fie upon you. Omen, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings for thy cases and the numbers of the genders?

Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires. Preeti, hold thy peace. Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns. Forsooth, I have forgot. It is quee, quay, quad. If you forget your quees, your quays, and your quads, you must be preachers. Go your ways, and play. Go. He is a better scholar than I thought he was. He is a good sprague memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.

adieu good sir hugh exit sir hugh evans get you home boy come we stay too long act four scene two

A room in Ford's house. Enter Falstaff and Mistress Ford. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I say you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair's-breadth, not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, compliment, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now?'

he's a birding sweet sir john within what ho gossip ford what ho step into the chamber sir john exit falstaff enter mistress page how now sweetheart who is at home besides yourself why none but mine own people indeed no certainly aside to her speak louder

Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here. Why? Why, woman, your husband is in his old loons again. He so takes on yonder with my husband, so rails against all married mankind, so curses all Eve's daughters of what complexion soever, and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peer out,' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience to this his distemper he is in now.

I am glad the fat knight is not here. Why, does he talk of him? Of none but him, and swears he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket, protests to my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here. Now he shall see his own foolery. How ne'er is he, Mistress Page?'

"'Hard by, at street end. He will be here anon.' "'I am undone. The night is here.'

why then you are utterly shamed and he's but a dead man what a woman are you away with him away with him better shame than murder which way should he go how shall i bestow him shall i put him into the basket again re-enter falstaff no i'll come no more in the basket may i not go out ere he come alas three of master ford's brothers watch the door with pistols that none shall issue out

otherwise you might slip away ere he came but what make you here captain what shall i do i'll creep up into the chimney there they always used to discharge their birding pieces

Creep into the kiln hole. Where is it? He will seek there on my word, Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, But he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, And goes to them by his note. There is no hiding you in the house. I'll go out then. If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John, Unless you go out disguised. How might we disguise him?

alas the day i know not there is no woman's gown big enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat a muffler and a kerchief and so escape good hearts devise something any extremity rather than a mischief my maids aren't the fat woman of brentford has a gown above

On my word, it will serve him. She's as big as he is. And there's her thrummed hat and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John. Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head. Quick, quick, we'll come dress you straight. Put on the gown the while. Exit Falstaff. Why would my husband would meet him in this shape? He cannot abide the old woman of Brentford. Swears she's a witch. Forbade her my house and hath threatened to beat her.

"'Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards.' "'But is my husband coming?' "'Ah, in good sadness is he, and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.' "'We'll try that, for I'll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it, as they did last time.' "'Nay, but he'll be here presently. Let's go dress him like the Witch of Brentford.'

I'll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up, I'll bring linen for him straight. Exit. Hang him, dishonest varlet! We cannot misuse him enough.

we'll leave a proof by that which we will do wives may be merry and yet honest too we do not act that often jest and laugh tis old but true still swine eat all the draught exit re-enter mistress ford with two servants go sirs take the basket again on your shoulders your master is hard at door if he bid you set it down obey him quickly dispatch

Come, come, take it up. Pray heaven it be not full of night again. I hope not. I had as leaf bare so much lead. Enter Ford, Page, Shallow, Dr. Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans. Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again? Sit down the basket, villain. Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket. Oh, you pandally rascals.

there's a knot a ging a pack a conspiracy against me now shall the devil be shamed what wife i say come come forth behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching why this passes master ford you are not to go loose any longer you must be pinioned why this is lunatics this is mad as a mad dog indeed master ford this is not well indeed

so say i too sir re-enter mistress ford come hither mistress ford mistress ford the honest woman the modest wife the virtuous creature that hath the jealous fool to her husband i suspect without cause mistress do i heaven be my witness you do if you suspect me in any dishonesty well said brazen face hold it out come forth sirrah

pulling clothes out of the basket. This passes. Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone. I shall find you anon. 'Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife's clothes? Come away. Empty the basket, I say. Why, man, why? Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why may not he be there again?

in my house i am sure he is my intelligence is true my jealousy is reasonable pluck me out all the linen if you find a man there he shall die a flea's death here's no man by my fidelity this is not well master ford this wrongs you master ford you must pray and not follow the imaginations of your own heart

this is jealousy's well he's not here i seek for no nor nowhere else but in your brain help to search my house this one time if i find not what i seek show no colour for my extremity let me for ever be your table sport let them say of me as jealous as ford that searched a hollow walnut for his wife's

satisfy me once more once more search with me what ho mistress page come you and the old woman down my husband will come into the chamber old woman what old woman's that nay it is my maid's aunt of brentford a witch a quean an old cozening quean have i not forbid her my house she comes of errands does she we are simple men

we do not know what's bought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling she works by charms by spells by the figure and such daubrey as this is beyond our element we know nothing come down you witch you hag you come down i say lady corinth nay good sweet husband good gentleman let him not strike the old woman

re-enter falstaff in women's clothes and mistress page come mother pratt come give me your hand i'll pratt her beating him out of my door you witch you hag you baggage you polecat you runnyon out out i'll conjure you i'll fortune tell you exit falstaff are you not ashamed i think you have killed the poor woman

nay he will do it tis a goodly credit for you sir lear hang her witch sir lear by the yea and no i think the oman is a witch indeed i like not when a woman has a great peard i spy a great peard under his muffler sir lear will you follow gentlemen i beseech you follow

See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again. Let's obey his humour a little further. Come, gentlemen. Exeunt, Ford, Page, Shallow, Dr. Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.

trust me he beat him most pitifully lady utterword nay by the mass that he did not he beat him most unpitifully methought lady utterword i'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er the altar it hath done meritorious service what think you may we with the warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good conscience pursue him with any further revenge

the spirit of wantonness is sure scared out of him if the devil have him not in fee simple with fine and recovery he will never i think in the way of waste attempt us again shall we tell our husbands how we have served him yes by all means if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husbands brains if they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted we two will still be the ministers

i'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed and methinks there would be no period to the jest should he not be publicly shamed come to the forge with it then shape it i would not have things cool act four scene three

a room in the garter inn enter host and bardolph sir the german desires to have three of your horses the duke himself will be tomorrow at court and they are going to meet him what duke should that be come so secretly i hear not of him in the court

Let me speak with the gentlemen. They speak English? Aye, sir. I'll call them to you. They shall have my horses, but I'll make them pay. I'll sauce them. They have had my house a week at command. I have turned away my other guests. They must come off. I'll sauce them. Come! EXCIENT ACT IV SCENE IV

a room in ford's house enter page ford mistress page mistress ford and sir hugh evans tis one of the best discretions of an omen as ever i did look upon and did he send you both these letters at an instant within a quarter of an hour pardon me wife henceforth do what thou wilt

i rather will suspect the son with cold than thee with wantonness now doth thy honour stand in him that was of late an heretic as firm as faith

tis well tis well no more be not as extreme in submission as in offence but let our plot go forward let our wives yet once again to make us public sport appoint a meeting with this old fellow where we may take him and disgrace him for it there is no better way than that they spoke of how to send him word they'll meet him in the park at midnight fie fie he'll never come you say he has been thrown in the rivers and has been grievously beaten as an old woman

methinks there should be terrors in him that he should not come methinks his flesh is punished he shall have no desires

so think i too devise but how you'll use him when he comes and let us too devise to bring him thither there is an old tale goes that herne the hunter sometime a keeper here in windsor forest doth all the winter time at still midnight walk round about an oak with great ragged horns and there he blasts the tree and takes the cattle and makes milch kine yields blood and shakes a chain in a most hideous and dreadful manner

you have heard of such a spirit and well you know the superstitious idle-headed eld received and did deliver to our age this tale of herne the hunter for a truth hern why yet there want not many that do fear in deep of night to walk by this herne's oak but what of this

marry this is our device that false staff at that oak shall meet with us well let it not be doubted but he'll come and in the shape when you have brought him thither what shall be done with him what is your plot that likewise have we thought upon and thus nan page my daughter and my little son and three or four more of their growth will dress like urchins oofs and fairies green and white with rounds of waxen tapers on their heads and rattles in their hands

upon a sudden as falstaff she and i are newly met let them from forth a saw-pit rush at once with some diffused song upon their sight we two in great amazedness will fly then let them all encircle him about and fairy-like to pinch the unclean night and ask him why that hour of fairy revel in their so sacred paths he dares to tread in shape profane

and till he tell the truth let the supposed fairies pinch him sound and burn him with their tapers the truth being known we'll all present ourselves dishorn the spirit and mock him home to windsor the children must be practised well to this or they'll ne'er do it i will teach the children their behaviours and i will be like a jackanapes also

to burn the night with my tabor. That will be excellent. I'll go and buy them visards. My nan shall be the queen of all the fairies, finely attired in a robe of white. That silk will I go buy, and in that time shall Master Slender steal my nan away and marry her at Eton. Go send Falstaff straight. Nay, alter him again in the name of Brooke. He'll tell me all his purpose. Sure he'll come.

Fear not you that. Go give us properties and tricking for our fairies. Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures, and fairy on its knaveries. Exeunt Page, Ford, and Sir Hugh Evans. Go, Mistress Ford, send quickly to Sir John to know his mind. I'll to the doctor. He hath my good will, and none but he to marry with Nan Page. That slender, though well landed, is an idiot, and he my husband best of all affect's.

the doctor is well moneyed and his friends potent at court he none but he shall have her though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her exit act four scene five a room in the garter inn enter host and simple

what wouldst thou have boor what thick skin speak breathe discuss brief short quick snap marry sir i come to speak with sir john falstaff from master slender here's his chamber his house his castle his standing-bed and truckle-bed tis painted about with the story of the prodigal fresh and new go knock and call hell speak like an anthropophaginian unto thee knock i say

There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber. I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down. I come to speak with her, indeed. Ha! a fat woman! The knight may be robbed. I'll call. Bully knight, bully Sir John, speak from thy lungs, military. Art thou here? It is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls. Above.

here's a bohemian tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman let her descend bully let her descend my chambers are honorable fie privacy fie enter falstaff there was mine host an old fat woman even now with me but she's gone pray you sir wast not the wise woman of brenford ay merry was it muscle shell what would you with her

My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain or no. I spake with the old woman about it. And what says she, I pray, sir? Mary, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his chain, cozened him of it. I would I could have spoken with the woman herself.

i had other things to have spoken with her too from him what are they let us know ay come quick i may not conceal them sir conceal them or thou diest why sir they were nothing but about mistress anne page do you know if it were my master's fortune to have her or no tis tis his fortune what sir to have her or no

Go, say the woman told me so. May I be bold to say so, sir? Ay, sir, like who more bold? I thank your worship. I shall make my master glad with these tidings. Exit. Thou art clergy, thou art clergy, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee? That there was, mine host, one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life.

And I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning. Enter Bardolph.

Out, alas, sir, a Cosnage, mere Cosnage! Where be my horses? Speak well of them, Varletto. Run away with the Cosners, for so soon as I came beyond Eton they threw me off from behind one of them in a slough of mire, and set Spurgeon away, like three German devils, three Dr. Faustuses. They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do not say they be fled. Germans are honest men. Enter Sir Hugh Evans. Where is mine host?

"'What is the matter, sir?' "'Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend of mine come to town. Tells me there is three cozen Germans that has cozened all the hosts of Redens, of Maidenhead, of Colbrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you, you are wise and full of jibes and blouting stocks, and tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.' "'Exit. Enter Dr. Caius.'

Where is my host, the Jatir? Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma. I cannot tell what is that.

but it is tell me that you make grand preparation for a duke de jaminet by my trot there is no duke that the court is know to come i tell you for good will adieu exit hue and cry villain go assist me knight i am undone fly run hue and cry villain i am undone exeunt host and bardolph

I would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened, and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court, how I have been transformed, and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgel'd, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and lick a fisherman's boots with me. I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear.

I never prospered since I forswore myself at Primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent. Enter, mistress, quickly. Now, whence come you? From the two parties, forsooth. The devil take one party, and is damned the other, and so they shall be both bestowed.

i have suffered more for their sakes more than the villainous inconstancy of man's disposition is able to bear and have not they suffered yes i warrant speciously one of them mistress ford good heart is beaten black and blue that you cannot see a white spot about her what tellest thou me of black and blue i was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow and i was like to be apprehended for the witch of brentford

but that my admirable dexterity of wit my counterfeiting the action of an old woman delivered me the knave constable had set me in the stocks in the common stocks for a witch sir let me speak with you in your chamber you shall hear how things go and i warrant to your content here is a letter will say somewhat good hearts much ado here is to bring you together

Sure one of you does not serve heaven well that you are so crossed. Come up into my chamber. Exeunt. Act 4, Scene 6.

Another room in the garter inn. Enter Fenton and host. Master Fenton, talk not to me. My mind is heavy. I will give over all. Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose, and, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee a hundred pound in gold more than your loss. I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will at the least keep your counsel.

From time to time I have acquainted you with the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page, who mutually hath answered my affection.

so far forth as herself might be her chooser even to my wish i have a letter from her of such contents as you will wonder at the mirth whereof so larded with my matter that neither singly can be manifested without the show of both fat falstaff hath a great scene the image of the jest i'll show you here at large hark good mine host to-night at herne oak just twixt twelve and one

Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen? The purpose why is here in which disguise while other jests are something rank on foot.

her father hath commanded her to slip away with slender and with him at eton immediately to marry she hath consented now sir her mother ever strong against that match and firm for dr caius hath appointed that he shall likewise shuffle her away while other sports are tasking of their minds and at the deanery where a priest attends straight marry her to this her mother's plot she seemingly obedient likewise hath made promise to the doctor

now thus it rests her father means she shall be all in white and in that habit when slender sees his time to take her by the hand and bid her go she shall go with him her mother hath intended the better to denote her to the doctor for they must all be masked and

That quaint in green she shall be loose inrobed, With ribbons pendant flaring bout her head, And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe To pinch her by the hand, and on that token The maid hath given consent to go with him.

Which means she to deceive, father or mother? Both, my good host, to go along with me. And here it rests that you'll procure the vicar to stay for me at church twixt twelve and one, and, in the lawful name of marrying, to give our hearts' united ceremony. Well, husband your device, I'll go to the vicar, bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest. So shall I evermore be bound to thee.

Besides, I'll make a present recompense.

Enter Falstaff and Mistress Quickly. Prithee, no more prattling. Go, I'll hold. This is the third time. I hope good luck lies in odd numbers.

away i go they say there is divinity in odd numbers either in nativity chance or death away i'll provide you a chain and i'll do what i can to get you a pair of horns away i say time wears hold up your head and mince exit mistress quickly enter ford how now master brooke master brooke the matter will be known to-night or never

be you in the park about midnight at herne's oak and you shall see wonders went you not to her yesterday sir as you told me you had appointed i went to her master brooke as you see like a poor old man but i came from her master brooke like a poor old woman that same knave ford her husband hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him master brooke that ever governed frenzy

i will tell you he beat me grievously in the shape of a woman for in the shape of man master brooke i fear not goliath with a weaver's beam because i know also life is a shuttle i am in haste go along with me i'll tell you all master brooke since i plucked geese played truant and whipped top i knew not what twas to be beat until lately

follow me i'll tell you strange things of this knave ford on whom to-night i will be revenged and i will deliver his wife into your hand follow strange things in hand master brooke follow act five scene two windsor park enter page shallow and slender

"'Come, come, we'll couch in the castle ditch till we see the light of our fairies. Remember, Sunslender, my daughter.' "'I forsooth, I have spoke with her, and we have a nay word how to know one another. I come to her in white, and cry, Mum, she cries, Budget, and by that we know one another.' "'That's good, too. But what needs either your mum or her Budget? The white will decipher her well enough.'

it hath struck ten o'clock the night is dark lights and spirits will become it well heaven prosper our sport no man means evil but the devil and we shall know him by his horns let's away follow me act v scene three a street leading to the park

Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Dr. Caius. Master Doctor, my daughter is in green. When you see your time, take her by the band, away with her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the park. We two must go together. I know what I have to do.

adieu adr fair you well sir my husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of falstaff as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter but tis no matter better a little chiding than a great deal of heartbreak where is nan now and her troop of fairies and the welsh devil hugh

they are all couch'd in a pit hard by hearn's oak with obscured lights which at the very instant of falstaff's and our meeting they will at once display to the night that cannot chuse but amaze him if he be not amaz'd he will be mock'd if he be amaz'd he will every way be mock'd will betray him finally against such leudsters in their lechery those that betray them do no treachery the hour draws on to the oak to the oak

Act V. Scene IV. Windsor Park. Enter Sir Hugh Evans, disguised, with others as fairies. TRIB-TRIB, FAIRIES, COME, AND REMEMBER YOUR PARTS. BE POLD, I PRAY YOU, FOLLOW ME INTO THE PIT, AND WHEN I GIVE THE WATCHERDS, DO AS I PID YOU. COME, COME. TRIB-TRIB. EXCIENT. Act V. Scene V. Another part of the park. Enter Falstaff.

disguised as herni the windsor bell hath struck twelve the minute draws on now the hot-blooded gods assist me remember jove thou wast a bull for thy europa love set on thy horns oh powerful love that in some respects makes a beast a man in some other a man a beast you were also jupiter a swan for the love of leda

O omnipotent love! How near the God drew to the complexion of a goose! A fault done first in the form of a beast. O Jove, a beastly fault! And then another fault in the semblance of a fowl. Think on it, Jove, a foul fault! When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest, I think, in the forest.

send me a cool rut-time jove or who can blame me to piss my tallow who comes here my doe enter mistress ford and mistress page sir john art thou there my dear male dear

My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain potatoes, let it thunder to the tune of green sleeves, hail kissing comfits and snow erringos. Let there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here. Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.

Noise within.

Alas, what noise! Heaven forgive our sins! What should this be? Away! Away! Away! They run off. I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the oil that's in me should set hell on fire. He would never else cross me thus. Enter Sir Hugh Evans, disguised as before.

pistol as hobgoblin mistress quickly anne page and others as fairies with tapers fairies black gray green and white you moonshine revellers in shades of night you orphan heirs of fixed destiny attend your office in your quality

Cry a hobgoblin, make the fairy oyers. Elves, list your names. Silence, you airy toys. Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap, Where fires thou find'st unrak'd and hearths unswept. There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry, Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery. They are fairies, he that speaks to them shall die. I'll wink and couch, no man their works must eye.

Lies down upon his face. Where's Bede? Go you, and where you find a maid That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said, Raise up the organs of her fantasy. Sleep she as sound as careless infancy, But those as sleep and think not on their sins, Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins. About, about, search Windsor Castle, elves within and out.

strew good luck aufs on every sacred room that it may stand till the perpetual doom and state as wholesome as in state tis fit worthy the owner and the owner it the several chairs of order look you scour with juice of balm and every precious flower each fair instalment coat and several crest with loyal blazon evermore be blest and nightly meadow fairies look you sing like to the goddess compass and a ring

the expressa that it bears green let it be more fertile fresh than all the field to see and ony swaki mali pans right in emerald tufts flowers purple blue and white let sapphire pearl in rich embroidery buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee fairies use flowers for their charactery away

but till tis one o'clock a dance of custom round about the oak of her and the hunter let us not forget lord pr pray you lock hand in hand yourselves in order set and twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be to guide our measure round about the tree but stay i smell a man of middle earth

Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, Lest he transform me to a piece of cheese. Vile worm, thou wast overlooked even in thy birth. With trial fire touch me his finger end, If he be chased the flame will back descend, And turn him to no pain, but if he start, It is the flesh of a corrupted heart. A trial, come! Come! Will this wood take fire? They burn him with their tapers.

oh corrupt corrupt and tainted in desire about him fairies sing a scornful rhyme and as you trip still pinch him to your time

fie on sinful fantasy fie on lust and luxury lust is but a bloody fire kindled with unchaste desire fed in heart whose flames aspire as thoughts do blow them higher and higher pinch him fairies mutually pinch him for his villainy pinch him and burn him and turn him about till candles and starlight and moonshine be out during this song they pinch falstaff dr caius comes one way and steals away a boy in green

SLENDER ANOTHER WAY, AND TAKES OFF A BOY IN WHITE, AND FENTON COMES AND STEALS AWAY, AND PAGE. A NOISE OF HUNTING IS HEARD WITHIN. ALL THE FARIES RUN AWAY. FALSE STAFF PULLS OFF HIS BUCK'S HEAD, AND RISES. ENTER PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, AND MISTRESS FORD.

nay do not fly i think we have watch'd you now will none but her and the hunter serve your turn i pray you come hold up the jest no higher now good sir john how like you windsor wives see you these husband do not these fair yokes become the forest better than the town now sir who's a cuckold now master brooke

"'Fullstaff's a knave, a cuckoldy knave. "'Here are his horns, Master Brook. "'And, Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of Fords, "'but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds of money, "'which must be paid to Master Brook. "'His horses are arrested for it, Master Brook.' "'Said John, we have had ill luck. "'We could never meet.'

I will never take you for my love again, but I will always count you my dear. I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.

ay and an ox too both the proofs are extant and these are not fairies i was three or four times in the thought they were not fairies and yet the guiltiness of my mind the sudden surprise of my powers drove the grossness of the foppery into a received belief in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and reason that they were fairies

See now how wit may be made a jack-o'-lent, when tis upon ill employment. Sir John Falstaff, serve got, and leave your desires, and fairies will not pince you. Well said, fairy Hugh. And leave your jealousies too, I pray you. I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able to woo her in good English.

Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it, that it wants matter to prevent so gross overreaching as this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat, too? Shall I have a coxcomb of freeze? 'Tis time I were choked with a piece of toasted cheese. Seas is not good to give putter. Your belly is all putter. Seas and putter! I have lived to stand at the taunt of one that makes fritters of English.

this is enough to be the decay of lust and late walking through the realm lady utterword why sir john do you think though we would have the virtue out of our hearts by the head and shoulders and have given ourselves without scruple to hell that ever the devil could have made you our delight sir john what a hodge-pudding

a bag of flax a puffed man old cold withered and of intolerable entrails and one that is as slanderous as satan and as poor as job and as wicked as his wife

and given to fornications and to taverns and sack and wine and methaglinds and to drinkings and swearings and starings pribbles and prabbles well i am your theme you have the start of me i am dejected i am not able to answer the welsh flannel ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me

Use me as you will. Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor to one Master Brooke that you have cozened of money.

to whom you should have been a pander over and above that you have suffered i think to repay that money will be a biting affliction yet be cheerful knight thou shalt eat a posset to-night at my house where i will desire thee to laugh at my wife that now laughs at thee tell her martha slender hath married her daughter

Doctor doubt that. If Anne Page be my daughter, she is by this Dr. Caius wife. Enter Slender. SILVER SILVER: Ho, ho, ho, father Page. Son, how now, how now, son? Have you dispatched? SILVER SILVER: Dispatched? I'll make the best and luscious here no want, would I were hanged, else. Of what, son? SILVER SILVER: I came yonder at Etton to marry mistress Anne Page, and she's a great lubberly boy.

if it had not been in the church i would have swing'd him or he should have swing'd me if i did not think it had been anne page would i might never stir and tis a postmaster's boy captain upon my life then you took the wrong captain what need you tell me that i think so when i took a boy for a girl

if i had been married to him for all he was in woman's apparel i would not have had him why this is your own folly did not i tell you how you would know my daughter by her garments i went to her in white and cried mum and she cried budget as anne and i had appointed

and yet it was not anne but a postmaster's boy good george be not angry i knew of your purpose turned my daughter into green and indeed she is now with the doctor at the deanery and there married enter dr caius mistress page by gaw i am cozened i have married a ganson a boy

O Paisan, by gaw, a boy! It is not Anne Page. By gaw, I am cozened. Why, did you take her in green? Ay, by gaw, and tis a boy. By gaw, I'll raise all Windsor. Exit. This is strange. Who hath got the right, Anne?

My heart misgives me. Here comes Master Fenton. Enter Fenton and Anne Page. How now, Master Fenton? Pardon, good father. Good, my mother, pardon.

Now, mistress, how chance you went not with Master Slender? Why went you not with Master Doctormaid? You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it. You would have married her most shamefully, where there was no proportion held in love. The truth is, she and I, long since contracted, are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.

the offence is wholly that she hath committed and this deceit loses the name of craft of disobedience or undutious title since therein she doth evitate and shun a thousand irreligious cursed hours which forced marriage would have brought upon her stand not amazed here is no remedy in love the heavens themselves do guide the state money buys lands and wives are sold by fate

I am glad, though you have taken a special stand to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanced. Whoa! What remedy! Fenton, heaven give thee joy. What cannot be eschewed must be embraced. When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased. Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton, heaven give you many, many merry days.

Good husband, let us every one go home, And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire, Sir John and all. Let it be so. Sir John, to Master Brooke you shall yet hold your word, For to-night he shall lie with Mistress Ford.