The Serious Family by Morris Barnett ~ Full Audiobook
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Daredevil is born again on Disney+. Why did you stop being a vigilante? The line was crossed. Sometimes peace needs to be broken. And chaos must reign. On March 4th, the nine-episode event begins. I was raised to believe in grace. I was also raised to believe in retribution. Reign!

Act 1 of The Sirius Family by Pat Morris Barnett The Sirius Family Act 1 Scene A drawing room, soberly but substantially furnished.

At the rising of the curtain are discovered, seated at the table right, covered with papers, Lady Grimley, Mr. Amin Adab Sleek and Mrs. Charles Torrance. Torrance, at table left, a secretary, with pen in hand, dozing. All are dressed in the most formal manner.

Sleek, reading in a puritanical tone. We appeal to the disciples of true benevolence and doers of good deeds, without distinction of politics or party, we call on all to come forward in the great work of enlarged and universal civilization.

what think you of that my lady these words give comfort to every fainting and world-worn spirit good mr aminadab sleek to charles write them down my son

I protest he's asleep. The spirit is willing, but— But it sleepeth. Mrs. Torrance crosses to Charles. Charles, what a shame to fall asleep at so sublime a passage. Oh, dear, where was I? Reading. Like a lion it roareth for its prey. Benevolence and charity. I have it. Forgive me, Lady Creamley, and pious Mr. Aminadab Sleek.

"'The fact is, between labour and watching, I lose a little of my rest, "'and nature will have her revenge.'

that will do for the day i hope all rise and come forward we are all then decided on making this appeal we will establish a deputation in every parish the petitions are in the course of preparation and i trust i may be permitted to accompany your ladyship and my philanthropic young friend in their charitable round

Too happy, Mr. Aminadab Sleek, to be guided by your voice and encouraged by your presence. But we hope that another and a tenderer tie will soon bring our families more closely together. Your nephew, that pattern of special grace, that...

paragon of model propriety will before long obtain the hand sleek aside and the fortune and the worldly goods of our dear emma the sister of our son-in-law and a happy girl emma will be what a gracious dispensation has been worked in her behalf

"'Had we never met Mr. Aminadab Sleek, we would still be on the brink of the precipice of vanity. But the great work will be now perfected by the union of his nephew and Emma.' "'Yes, beloved child, but let us not forget the important duty we have in hand. At twelve tomorrow morning we meet.'

"'Our son-in-law will read to our assembled friends his address on benevolence, and then—' "'Charles, aside.' "'At twelve tomorrow morning. I had rather have had a day's shooting.' "'Enter Emma, left door, fashionably dressed. Emma, crosses to Mrs. Torrance.' "'Oh dear, oh dear, such capital news!'

he's come he's come well miss hoyden how can you be so giddy emma don't you see mr amenabad sleek the mirror of piety the champion of ahem the champion of ahem emma salutes profoundly mr sleek and lady grimly who regard her disdainfully charles aside very pleasant all this

but I'll have a day shooting in spite of them oh Charles he's come your old friend the friend of all the family

I caught a glimpse as he gave his card to Danvers, and I ran to tell you. Enter servant. He presents card to Charles. Mrs. Torrance takes it and hands it to Lady Creamly, who passes it to Sleek, who reads aloud. Captain Murphy Maguire. Maguire, my old friend Murphy, the best fellow in the world. Show him in, Danvers. A little moderation, son-in-law. Shall we, Mr. Sleek?

Shall we, my child? A captain and an Irishman. A libertine. Charles, aside. A fellow after my own heart. Allowed. He might have been so formerly, but he is now changed. He belongs to a serious regiment. Oh!

lady crimley mr sleek and mrs torrance bow gravely to each other admit him how happy i am i was a child when he saw me last and i am now still a child you will please retire to your chamber no remonstrance

Go, child. Exit Emma left door impatiently. Receive your visitor, Mr. Charles Torrance. Charles comes forward. The others retire to tables and appear much occupied with the various papers. Enter Captain Maguire's center. My dear Charles.

Charles, in his natural manner. What? McGuire, my old friend. Shakes his hand violently. The party at the back look on with contemptuous astonishment. Why, it's an age since I've seen you. Yes, my dear boy, an absence of four years. Calcutta, West Indies, Capital Station. Glorious cigars and whiskey, Toddy. A little tanned, eh?

"'The steam of the gold has spoiled the natural brilliancy of my complexion.' "'Still the same, the same gay, rollicking, sound-hearted old fellow. Not married?' "'What, me bound in the rosy bones of that young robber, Paddy Cupid? Now thank heaven!' Groaning. "'Oh!' Charles aside to him. "'Softly, softly, old fellow,' resumed his starched manner.'

"'Permit me, Captain Murphy Maguire, to present you to Mrs. Charles Torrens, the partner of my present joys and future hopes.'

"'Eve, my dearest, allow me to present you to my oldest and best friend, Captain Murphy Maguire.' Mrs. Torrance bowed coldly, but graciously. "'I am delighted to make your acquaintance.' Crosses to her. "'Charlie and I are old friends. I rejoice at his good fortune.'

Charlie, your wife's a first-rate angel. You'll excuse my freedom, madam, but what I think I say... Mrs. Torrance smiles and appears pleased. Sleek and Lady Crimley exchange doleful glances. Lady Crimley, aside to Mrs. Torrance. Don't answer him. Sleek, aside. A profligate...

"'You're a lucky villain, Charlie. What eyes! Like a general illumination! What a shape! She's a model for a Venus!' Groaning. "'Oh!' Charles pulling him by the coat. "'What the devil are you about?' Captain Mawire looking with astonishment at him and the formal faces at the table. "'What's the damage? And what have I done? And what have I said? Your wife is a beauty. And what I think I say! Why?'

you're not jealous charlie but where is emma my little emma the little rosebud lady crimley rising and bowing stiffly miss torrens sir is with her governess in the library upon my honour i meant no offence

I should have said Miss Torrens, but Charles and I are such old friends and have seen such roaring times together and— Charles, interrupting. My mother-in-law, Captain Murphy Maguire, Lady Sowerby Creamley. Captain Maguire bows very low. I have the honour. Crosses to her. Very proud, I assure you.

"'Charlie's friends are mine.' Lady Crimley, with cold disdain, "'You overwhelm me with the weight of the honour,' takes a book and reads. Captain Mawire, aside to Charles, "'The old dromedary in the pepper and salt is the father now, I suppose. A trifle the worse for wear, but the heart is in the right place, I hope.' Charles, aside, "'Pull up, old fellow.'

That's Mr. Aminadab Sleek, perpetual member of the Borough of Solemn Coley and a great gun at Exeter Hall. Allowed. Captain Maguire, this is my excellent and most worthy ally, Mr. Aminadab Sleek, the especial friend of this family, the friend of the poor, the friend of all the world. Allowed.

aside who gives good dinners and have rich daughters to marry crosses to left sleek bows slowly maguire runs up and shakes him heartily by the hand delighted to make your acquaintance sir

"'Oh, we should be the best friends in the world. Only wait till I get you snugly seated before a steaming jug of whiskey punch and behind a full-flavoured Havana and I'll be bound to take the wrinkles out of you.' Groaning. "'Oh!' "'Well, Charlie, here I am and here I mean to stay.' Sits left of table. "'I have a week's leave of absence and so I thought I'd run up and see my old friends.'

"'I see, old fellow, you are well tiled in. I suppose you've a room where we can sling a hammock. With your leave, ladies, what I think I say—' "'Sir!' All rise and come forward. "'Certainly.' Charles embarrassed. "'Oh, certainly.' "'I couldn't think for a moment, Charlie, of stopping at a hotel while you have a house in town. We have so much to say, to talk over old times, you sinner.'

oh don't be alarmed ladies a reformed rake always makes a good husband and charlie certainly was the devil's own boy my husband a rake impossible why i have brought you charlie a case of regalias that will make the queen of spain's mouth water

i know you of old your robber a dozen a day be quiet will you pulling him by the coat what's the matter lady grimley mrs torrens and sleek exchange looks one can have a bit of a luncheon i suppose a sandwich or the wing of a cold fowl

"'The air of the September morning is made me as hungry as an ostrich.' "'Certainly. Eve, my dear, luncheon for Captain Maguire.' "'Have you any of the old Madeira left? "'Eh, Charlie boy, remember the time we used to punish that same Madeira. "'But we're all changed. "'I'm getting old and you are married.'

"'The Madeira is older, too, and that's a compensation.' Lady Creamley crosses to right centre. "'Captain Murphy Maguire, I am loath to interfere, but my son-in-law neither smokes nor drinks Madeira. A cigar is his aversion, and he has taken the pledge.' "'So what?' "'Yes, he has taken the pledge and got a medal.'

"'Charles, aside.' "'I have the deuce take it, but I'll have my revenge. A day shooting, a first-rate regalia, and a bottle of the old sort.' "'Allowed.' "'Yes, Captain Maguire, you will find me a changed man. I learned from Mr. Sleek that all pleasure is vanity, and all drinking, vexation of spirit.'

And from Lady Creamley, that with sorrow and sighs the world passes pleasantly enough. More gaily and crosses to centre. Still, we must get our luncheon. Let me go. Let me remind you, Mr Torrens, that ten copies more of the circular must be written out, and that you have promised to assist Mr Aminadab Sleek. To Captain. I will.

I will take care, sir, that you are comfortably served. To Mrs. Torrance. Come, my child. Really, I give you too much trouble. I am quite in despair. Lady Grimley salutes him most deeply. He bows. Charles groans, and Mrs. Torrance smiles for an instant, and then assumes her formal manner. Come.

Come, my child. Exit Lady Crimley with Mrs. Torrance, centre. Charles, forgetting that sleek remains. They're off, and now for it. Captain Mawire left. Charlie, your wife is elegant. She's a darling creature. But I don't know how it is. Are you happy in your home? There seems every now and again a sort of dingy cloud coming over the natural sunshine of your nature. Your wife's charming? Now I recollect.

Sir Charles Creamly was your guardian. You married his daughter and thus settled his accounts. The truth is, I'm married because my guardian so arranged it. I lead a life...

"'But never mind. I am in for it. "'The fact is, my wife is a little too grave. "'She belongs to what is styled a serious family.' "'A fellow like you marrying into a serious family. "'That's beautiful.' "'Sleek groans.' "'Oh, mother, what have I said?' "'Charles changing his tone. "'Yes, Captain Maguire, we are all serious here.' "'But you may be too serious.'

a charming creature like mrs torrens should be seen driving up pony-jays in the parks or dispensing the rays of her beauty from the opera-box at your time of life charlie this gravity is infernal folly get out of it cast it from you would you grow old before your time bad luck to your sober-sighted muddy-minded people

I hate your Cantwells. Am I not right, Mr. Sleek? Crosses and slaps Sleek on the back. Charles aside. His lines have fallen in pleasant places. Cantwell indeed. He mustn't lock up his wife. The young creature will mope herself to death. You are of my opinion, aren't you, sir? Sleek down centre. Hmm.

they say that bachelors wives and maidens children are always well managed pray are you entered into the moral estate of wedlock captain captain no changing his manner as though annoyed by an unpleasant reminiscence nor engaged no

I've been infernally jilted by the greatest rascal of a kiketch that ever was sent into the world to plague the heart out of a man. A woman I loved better a thousand times than my own life. Hmm. You have been jilted? You're right there, Mr. Sleek. But as I couldn't call her out, I took my revenge and went to sea. And the sea has cooled your passion? To be sure it did, Sleek.

"'I know I hate her more intolerably than ever I loved her.' "'Hmm. No danger of a relapse?' "'Not a bit of it, Slake.'

but to save myself from this one i make love to twenty though i have come to london to take a round of dissipation and for that reason i stay with my old friend for he knows every spot on the cards eh charlie my boy we'll have a roaring time of it enter servant centre luncheon sir that your sort

I'm as hungry as a hunter. Come, Charlie. He's leaving the room, followed by Charles, but the later is stopped by Lady Crimley and Mrs. Torrance, who enter at the same time. One moment, Mr. Torrance. Captain follows the servant. You will take these letters to the directors and return in half an hour as we want to arrange a visiting for this evening. Certainly, Lady Crimley. Certainly.

aside i'll have a day's shooting exit centre sleek crosses to centre at last we have a moment to ourselves dear ladies unpleasant consequences will arise from this unexpected visit

What an acquaintance for my son-in-law. A perfect Absalom. Well-looking and gentleman-like, but evidently too much attached to the wicked world. A libertine. That's not all, dear ladies.

let him be profligate as he pleases and we shall strive for his conversion but he is in love with a coquette by whom he has been deceived poor young man

and obliged to visit the metropolis he is determined to console himself for an unfortunate passion by going through an extended circle of dissipation

in short he is about to visit his old haunts of vice and sorrow and for this he seeks in this virtuous mansion he says the former companion of his sinful pleasures

It suffices to turn my blood to veer juice. The wretched person! And my Charles, the former companion of his pleasures. A lamb! An angel of goodness! A man who never leaves his own home, except for a day's shooting. Then certainly he is not to be controlled. Once the covies are out, my husband will not stay at home. He always is after the covies.

But what is to be done?

Lady Creamley to Mrs. Torrance. Child, all this is your fault. Yes, your fault. Your want of firmness and decision. Not too sleek. Yes, certainly, honoured madam. It is all your fault. When the abominable man said that he was come to take up his quarters here, you should have recollected that there was not one room unoccupied. No.

what a friend of my husband's a gentleman that charles is always speaking of and whom he so well received mrs hushabye no matter the presence of a libertine will compromise all our reputations your rooms should have been all occupied but dear mamma the truth cross us to centre

"'My dear, the truth! When it is useful to be told!' "'My honoured friend is right. All depends on circumstances. "'We make a great distinction between saying what is not and not saying what is, "'according to the object and intentions.'

"'This is high morality.' "'And in this case our object is to rescue my son-in-law from the society of a person—' "'Whose example and perfidious counsels would open an abyss before him.' "'Oh, Lady Creamley!' "'Bad example is dangerous.' "'And the human heart so weak, my honoured friend.'

you hear that it is the intention of this person again to seek the acquaintance of those friends from whose pernicious example you have withdrawn the husband of your bosom he is so weak he would again be led astray

"'And—and then—' "'My poor Charles! "'But I certainly shall not permit a stranger, "'a person entirely unknown, "'to come and lead him away from his good habits.'

But what is to be done? What plan can be devised? Aid me with your counsels. It is almost too late. The only plan I can suggest is to request this person politely to go, politely, about his business. Politely? I understand you, but how is that to be done? I could not dare attempt it.

if you my dear mamma would take it upon yourself impossible my child it would look like dictating to you in your own house that is very true well then mr sleek you will do it

it will add to the obligations we already owe you captain hushabye excuse me these hibernians are of such explosive natures that it is quite possible he might forget my size and the respect due to it

Mr. Torrens himself would be the proper person. No, that cannot be. They must not meet, and to make the matter more sure, we will send Charles for a few days in the country. He goes too often already, Mama. That is the wisest plan, and in the meantime we will adopt a coolness of manner towards this intruder, which will make him more circumspect.

and give him no inclination to remain in a house where the principles of those in it are so different from his own. Captain Maguire speaks without. Hmm. Here he comes, the sinful man of sanguinary war. Enter Captain Maguire's centre, down right. Upon my faith, your substantial hospitality lays me under infinite obligation, sir.

better port i never tasted lady grimly crosses to maguire austerely captain murphy maguire i have important orders to give and am on the point of exit bowing very stiffly centre captain maguire looks astonished but bows profoundly in return

he then turns to mrs torrens then to you my dear madam the wife of my old friend mrs torrens following lady crimley and bowing in the most precise manner you must also excuse me captain maguire i shall be too late for the meeting

Captain Maguire looks more amazed but bows to the ground, then, turning to Sleek, goes up to him and offers his hand in a cordial style. Well, Mr. Sleek, the ladies appear to be monstrously engaged. The pleasure of entertaining me is reserved for you. Sleek, right, taking out his watch. Excuse me, sir, I have not an instant to lose. Sleek.

"'The meeting cannot commence without me,' looks angrily at Maguire and exits centre. "'What the devil does all this mean? Oh, if that's the case, there's not a word to be said. Does it mean the cold shoulder? Is it to cut me, they mean? But I'll not believe it. It's impossible, and what's impossible is not in nature. Charles Torren's wife and family wouldn't be capable of behaving so shabbily to his old friend.'

"'Wait a while, Captain Murphy Maguire, and syllogise a bit. This is a serious family. There's the old lady, as stiff as a ramrod, and as grey as an overall, Mr. Sleek, a shuffling, canting old robber, and the pretty Mrs. Torrens, with her sweet face, charming air, and saint-like look, and then Charlie himself, instead of the free-hearted devil-may-care fellow I knew him at college, has become as solemn and demure as a volume of The Pilgrim's Progress.'

There is a mystery in all this which must be unraveled. Emma peeps in. He is quite alone. Runs in. Ah, dear Captain Maguire. Captain Maguire not recognizing her. On my faith, I am greatly flattered by your recollection, but really. What, you don't know your old playmate, Emma? Is this possible?

you the darling little emmy that i left a child and who now i must say is a very charming young lady emma pouting no i am not a charming young lady i am a very disagreeable unhappy creature

"'I'm sure I'm very ugly.' "'Oh, miss, don't be profane.' "'They say crying makes one ugly, and I weep all day long.' "'Come, dear Emmy, you must confide all your little sorrows to your old friend.' "'Yes, but if they heard me—if Lady Creamley knew I was here—' "'Look up, and you'll never be cast down. Don't tremble. Am I not at your side, your old friend? And besides, there's your brother Charles.'

Come now, tell me what's the matter and what is going on in this house. They sit. There is nothing going on, and that makes it so miserable.

Day follows day, and are all the same. No pleasure, no balls, no horticultural fetts, no opera. Always sermons and scoldings. I am moped to death. Oh, I understand. Lady Creamley is a strict disciplinarian. Oh, horribly severe. But Mrs. Torrens, your sister-in-law, who is young and appears mighty amiable. Oh, I am sure I do not say she would not be so if my brother Charles were to act differently. But

but all he thinks of is to accompany Lady Creamling on her serious visits, or to read some charitable circular to his wife. Oh, I see where the wind blows.

Charles was never famous for strength of mind or firmness of purpose, and he gives way rather than our domestic dissensions. But the best of it is, whenever he is what they call backsliding, they send him out of town and he seems delighted, and then I am left all alone. Now that won't last long. You are sure to marry? No, that is the worst of it. They won't let me marry, that is to say, the man of my choice, your old acquaintance, Frank Vincent. But they

but they want to trump up a marriage with a nephew of Mr. Aminadab Sleek. What? A nephew of Mr. Aminadab Sleek? They rise. Whom I detest from the bottom of my heart. Sure your brother will never suffer that. Oh, my brother accounts for nothing in this house. The fact is, they have forbidden Frank to come here, and I am sure he is dying, if not dead. Sobbing.

Nonsense, darling. You are both of you too young for dying. Cheer up and let us see if we cannot restore your brother to common sense. I'd have you married a Frank Vincent in spite of Lady Creamley and that old pepper-and-salt dromedary sleek. Enter Charles Gailey, down centre. Thank the fates it's over. I have been bored to death with their hypocrisy and cant. And now, old fellow, what's to be done? And

And where are we to begin? Before we commence our campaigning frolic, I have something serious to say to you.

"'My old young friend Emma has been letting a little daylight into the family secrets. I find that you are not actually the master of your own house, that you are peaceably led by the nose by your mother-in-law and that dromedary old sleek without a snort or a kick.' "'It's all very well talking. Anything for a quiet life. I did make a determined stand at first, but they attacked me in front and on both flanks, and I was glad ultimately to yield at discretion.'

"'The only consolation I have is that I can get away every now and then and have a day's shooting.' "'That's all very well as far as yourself is concerned. But what becomes of our sweet friend Emmy, here, whom you allow to be sacrificed to the canting son of a thief of that greedy old rhinoceros, a Minadab sleek, because you haven't the decent courage to say no?' "'Sacrificed?—

Why, it's an excellent match, and this is the first time I have heard that Emma dislikes him. I hate and abominate him, and nothing but force shall ever make me consent to the match. That's right, my little Caesar. Stick to your colours like a little hero as you are. To Charles.

and over and above there is a large lump of an attachment to another and that other is none other than frank vincent ah now don't blush emma and a smart boy is that same frank vincent come charlie you must be a man and stand up for your sister's rights i have no objection i am emma's guardian and if she says no her inclination shall not be constrained but i have had a hard card to play

"'And if you knew what an obdurate person Lady Creamley is "'and what influence she has on my wife—'

"'Why, the very sound of her voice frightens me.' "'A voice is heard without.' "'Damn it, here she is. Stick by me, old fellow.' "'Oh dear, I must not be caught here. I leave my cause in your hands.' "'Runs off left, the voice of Mrs. Torrance heard without. "'No, heaven be praised, it's my wife. And now, Maguire, I am a man again.'

"'Leave me with Eve, and I'll speak to her more roundly than I have ever done. She has an excellent heart, and is attached to me as well as to Emma.' "'Stick to that, Charlie boy. A man should be master of his own house, and a good wife have no other wish than his. Don't spare powder in the victories your own.' "'Yes, that's very true. But if my mother-in-law—' "'Don't be chicken-hearted.'

and in order to leave you a fair field i'll retreat enter mrs torrens down right centre to her at your feet madam bows and exits centre charles aside he's right very right why should i be afraid after all tis but a woman and that woman my wife

And if it be true that Emma detests old Sleek's nephew, why should she be forced to marry him? Mrs. Torrance, aside. Since my mother assures me that the presence of Captain Maguire is dangerous to my husband, he certainly shall leave. My dear Eve. My dear Charles. I am overjoyed to see you, for I wish to speak to you on a very important affair. That's just what I have to do with you.

And I fear what I have to say will annoy you a little. That's just the case with which I have to say. But when it concerns the happiness of... You are perfectly right. And then we understand each other so well. Mrs. Torrance aside. I think I may safely speak. Blaise's tears. Charles preparing to speak. Eve, dear. My dear Charles, it's...

"'You know how necessary it is in married life for people to understand each other.' "'Certainly.' "'And many things that appear strange at first are perfectly clear when you come to explain them.' "'Just what I was but now remarking to Captain Maguire.' "'Maguire, my love? Why, he can have no idea.' "'Indeed he has.'

and it was even he who suggested me to speak to you. That is very strange, for really we were at a loss how to break the subject to him. Oh, as to that, he is perfectly well informed, and I really do not think, after what has passed, that we can give Emma to Mr. Sleek's nephew. Do you, my love? That's not our affair, Charles. Mama will arrange all that with Mr. Sleek.

But I do hope that you will make Captain Maguire understand that... Oh, as to Maguire, he's the best fellow in the world. He will refuse me nothing. In that case, our difficulties are all over. You have merely to tell him that instead of taking up his quarters here, he will go to Long's, where I have no doubt he will be quite at his ease. What?

"'Turn Maguire out of doors? An old friend?' "'Ricis.' "'A libertine.' "'A capital fellow.' "'But my reputation, Mr Torrens! Is it fit that a character like Captain Maguire should live under the same roof with your wife?' "'Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord!' puts Terence back. "'Fie, Charles! And besides, the thing is impossible. You are going out of town.'

it is settled you are to have several days shooting charles eagerly am i going out of town and when has this been settled my dear why my mother and mr sleek have talked the thing over and they find that the easiest way of arranging the matter oh that's quite a different affair

Now I begin to understand you. If I am to go into the country... Why, you seem quite excited. One would almost say you were glad to leave us. Oh, no, my love. I am only thinking how admirably my absence will get you out of this dilemma. Then you will go today?

Today. Aside. Capital. Yes, let it be today. The sooner the better. The better? Why, yes, dear, yes. Mama can say to Maguire what I could not.

and my absence would be an excuse for everything. Enter Lady Creamley and Sleek, centre. I am glad you are come, dear Mama. You have no idea how reasonable Charles is. Sleek, aside. Reasonable with a T. It is better late than never, and I cannot understand why Mr. Torrens would ever hesitate, even for a moment, to follow the counsel and advice of those who have only

only in view his advancement. In moral philosophy and unitarianism. Charles, aside. Another lecture. Allowed. Why, Lady Creamley, as you say, you and Eve mean nothing but my good. And though it is a little hard that I should be separated from an old friend, still, as you and utility desire it—

i consent you are wise in this instance for it is evident that a young man without the principles of utilitarianism without morality addicted to the gilded and evanescent follies of modern go-aheadism could not remain under our roof without giving public scandal public scandal oh mamma charles feels all that now sensibly

but how can i send him away i can never summon up nerve to do so that shall be my pleasing duty captain is heard giving orders here the champagne anti-peaceman comes aside i know the effervescing qualities captain maguire without that will do danvers take care of my luggage enter captain maguire here i am ladies

i never travel with much loyage one article is enough for me more than one is inconvenient and weighs heavily upon the mind they all bow very gravely and charles speaks aside to him don't be offended old fellow at whatever occurs

You shall have a note in half an hour at Long's. To ladies. I fly to obey your orders, poor Maguire. Aside. Vive la liberté and a good day's shooting. Exit centre.

lady crimley stiffly captain murphy maguire mr and mrs charles torrance and i are very much annoyed that a little difficulty has occurred which will prevent us the pleasure of receiving you here mrs torrance we are most reluctantly obliged to say

Yes, we are most reluctantly obliged to say— That there is not a single room disengaged. The only spare one was yesterday promised to a friend of Mr. Aminadab's leak. Mr. Tarquinius Jumbo, a serious colored gentleman from the interior of Africa. In that case, then, my dear ladies, there is no room.

Why, really? I presume you don't want my company, and as I cannot but believe that black isn't white, the only plan left, ladies, under the existing circumstances of the case, is to make a retrograde march back with my luggage to Long's Hotel. We are quite in despair. In despair? At last.

our seeming want of hospitality. Don't breathe it, ladies, nor groan it, my little patron of Tarquinius Jumbo. Among friends such trifling accidents must be taken in good part. For the present I have the pleasure to wish you good day, but I'll call often and remain a long while. Good day.

Poor Charlie. Exit. Thank heaven it's all over. Sinks into a seat using smelling bottle and finding herself with handkerchief. End of act. I can say to my new Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra, hey, find a keto-friendly restaurant nearby and text it to Beth and Steve. And it does without me lifting a finger, so I can get in more squats anywhere I can. One, two, three. Will that be cash or credit? Credit.

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same premium wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistants assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm

I'm told it's super easy to do at mintmobile.com slash switch. Upfront payment of $45 for three-month plan equivalent to $15 per month required. Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See full terms at mintmobile.com. One. Act two of The Serious Family by Maurice Barnett.

Has any reply been sent from Yvonce, Graham? No, ma'am.

jones has just returned and says that mr fitzfoley has not been at mivart's the last fortnight how very odd that creature is never to be found when he is wanted don't be uneasy ma'am it's true he's never to be found at his hotel

but then at seven he never fails to show his handsome face when invited yes graham he is very handsome and exceedingly amiable though at moments his wild merriment runs away with his discretion

i have often thought since that abominable captain so ungallantly struck his colours that mr fitzfoley might very well take his place in my affections indeed and why not ma'am a lady of your charming disposition and large wealth has a right to choose

and who better could you choose than the young handsome well-dressed white-gloved polish booted mr fitz foley lor ma'am as she speaks voices are heard that of charles torrance predominating

Charles, outside. Nonsense. That will never do. That will never do. Servant, outside. But, sir, we are only ten at table. Charles, outside. Twelve, I say. Old Wilson, two dozen of claret, one of hock, and Moet's champagne at discretion. There he is, ma'am.

There's his pianoforte voice ordering, as usual, the best in the cellar. The monster. He has never once asked for me. Enter Charles Torrance, right, dressed in the highest fashion. That Wilson is positively a goth of the premier force. My dear Mrs. Ormsby-Delmaine, only imagine, he wants to ice the champagne before drawing the corks.

the heathen well dearest widow you look radiant if i were a woman i would poison you mrs delmaine laughing

ever the same superabundant gaiety. I protest if you do not get steady, I shall be obliged to close my doors. My dear Mrs. Delmaine, not a word, or you will drive me to prussic acid, hair triggers, or Waterloo Bridge. Why, if the champagne were not properly iced, your character would be damaged forever.'

And moreover, my reputation is at stake today.

For I have taken the liberty to invite a friend, knowing that any friend of mine will be well received by you. Is he young, handsome, and clever? All three. Then he must be a very dangerous young man to introduce. Never mind one rival more. If I die, let me die of a surfeit. Where have you been concealed all this time? In Belgium, in France, Vienna...

"Commune, Moscow and Egypt." "I have sent twenty times to Mivart's, and you were never to be found." "No wonder. I was at Constantinople." "No, no such thing. You were neither in Belgium, France, Vienna, Commune, Moscow, Egypt or Constantinople. You were nearer to home than that.

only a few days since to please some country friends i went to hear the new lecturer in the city on the subject of universal charity practically considered when who should i see but the gay fashionable and all-accomplished fitz foley listening as demurely as some old barebones

and at the end of the lecture giving his arm with the greatest propriety to an ancient dowager who looked as if the charitable arguments that had entered her ears would find some difficulty in reaching either her heart or her pocket impossible an optical delusion it was a fact no optical delusion

or illusion. Ah, now, by the by, I do recollect. I had just left my bankers, and curiously enough, passing by the place, an old lady fainted, when I chivalrously offered my arm, and... Pray don't attempt to excuse yourself. Indeed, I like you all the better for the wish to be instructed...

in any act of true benevolence and for my own part thoughtless and volatile as you may think me it is ever with a feeling of real pleasure that i contribute what i can afford to any deserving purpose or object of charity

and to prove it i am now considering in what way i can best assist the views of some estimable persons who have to-day favored me with this circular hands him one of his circulars

"'Charles, aside.' "'Hugh! One of my own circulars. Extremes meet.' "'To her.' "'But, dear Mrs. Delmayne, at what time is dinner ordered?' "'Enter Graham abruptly.' "'Ma'am, Lady Pompous—'

"'Mrs. Colvern-Grampus and Admiral Bowsprit are in the drawing-room.' "'Pray excuse me for a few minutes. I am sorry to run away from our agreeable tete-a-tete, but I must go and be amiable to our visitors as they expected of me. Oh, what victims we are! How the real comforts of the heart are obliged to be sacrificed to the exeges of the world!'

i shall expect you to join us without delay exit mrs delmeyne graham i wonder your lady is not ashamed to have so handsome a maid

Lord, sir, how you do talk! He puts his arm round her waist. Oh, sir, how you are pressing me! You always disremember that madam is my mistress. He kisses her. That's for your mistress. That's for you. Vive la joie! Kiss me again, you Venus in a striped muslin. At this moment, Captain Maguire enters.

Graham runs out. "'Haves, Charlie? Am I awake? Why, what a change has taken place. On my words, you're dressed with an image of your life.' "'Not a word, my dear fellow. This is my shooting-dress. Not bad, is it, Maguire? Curling irons and cold cream, stults and style versus sermons and soda-water, long faces and short glasses.' "'But where am I?' "'I received your note.' "'Which?'

with whom am i to dine with an angel with the dearest prettiest wittiest most fascinating widow in the world a friend of mine and of all pleasant dashing fellows like me the fact is my dear boy here i am at home

This is my preserve, where I take my day's shooting. And your wife? And your mother-in-law? That paragon of perfection? Hush! Shut, Sesame! Not a word! In this house I am a bachelor. I leave my wife and all my sorrows in Harley Street.

"'The truth is, Maguire, since I married, I have been a miserable man. "'That is to say, when I am at home, I have no will of my own. "'The house is governed by that infernal Aminadab Sleek, "'and that tigress Lady Creamly.'

I behaved like an angel the first year, sighed and groaned early and late, escorted my mother-in-law regularly to Exeter Hall. But every concession made her more arrogant and more exacting. It was all in vain, so I determined to be happy in my own way. I take an occasional week's absence, under pretense of visiting our estates in Leicestershire,

And when the shooting begins, I am seldom to be found at home. Well, I perfectly understand you. Then, Maguire, you know my mother-in-law and my wife have given up the world. The parks, the opera, and every place a fashionable resort is deemed by them as abominations. I keep on my rooms at Mivart's. I indulge in the society of a few valued friends—

such as my charming widow and hitherto I have escaped suspicion or detection but this charming widow you are sure to fall in love old fellow I have secured you a place by her side at dinner and when the champagne works I defy you to resist her fascinations Charles you are an audacious and extraordinary fellow fortune favours the bold but have a care

you are playing a dangerous game for your own peace of mind enter mrs delmaine not aware of the presence of the captain del my dear fitz foley what can keep you here wilson cannot get on without you fitz i fly at your commands but first

"'Let me present you one of my dearest friends,' pointing to the captain, whose face is averted, "'an unfortunate devil who, between you and me, is suffering from a violent attack of heart-sickness, "'and who has come up to London to go through a course of pleasure, "'which the faculty have prescribed as a positive panacea for his peculiar disease.'

captain murphy maguire mrs delmaine starts mrs ormsby delmaine the captain turns recognizes her appears annoyed but preserves his composure

"'Charles, not perceiving their embarrassment, continues. "'There, good people, in this house there is no ceremony. "'As for me, I fly to see that the champagne be well iced, "'and full justice done to Mrs. Delmayne's preparations.' "'Exit Charles.' "'This is a mighty strange accident, madam, that has brought us again together.'

my friend has taken me quite by surprise i must own i was not entirely prepared for so one expectant a rencontre with one by whom i have been so shamefully treated captain rubek no captain twas i that was so shamefully treated captain rubek treated

didn't you treat me with indifference did you harass me with suspicions did you cause me to go to sea did you cause me to think of another and haven't i been trying to do the same to twenty others oh there there we parted with a quarrel and we meet again in the same pleasant manner

i must say you're a discontent er i was going to make use of a hard word but i won't lear that's right triumph in your victory your levity does not astonish me ye are the same gay thoughtless cold-hearted woman of the world as ever gina and you are the same warm-hearted hard-headed well-meaning

but wrong-thinking man of the world as ever and now let me ask you for i know not what right you have to complain captain ah never mind the right when i have the reason lady and for what reason have you the right to any special consideration from me captain well you have put me down all the items faith a raiment full scap won't contain them

"'Mrs. Armsby don't mean you are an ungrateful woman.' "'And, Captain Murphy McGuire, you are an ungrateful man. "'I confess that at one time I was silly enough to feel some esteem "'for the honesty of your character and the independence of your mind, "'but I soon discovered you to be jealous and so exacting "'that I dreaded to entrust my happiness to your hands.'

Her waist is taper, none is completer, Like the tuneful nine o'er the lambs at play, And her two eyes shunning like rowling diamonds, And her breath as sweet as the flowers of me.

but he was surly and all hurly-burly when there was no occasion for such display the man to please me must never tease me but be kind and mild as a fine and pleasant morning in the month of may

no sir yours is not the disposition to suit mine your friend mr fitz foley indeed captain duffer i entirely agree with you that my friend mr fitz foley has a million good qualities indeed i may say first-class qualities

but you see mother nature has not cast us in the same elegant mould mrs dubedat well i am glad to hear you acknowledge his good qualities and your liberality is a credit to your taste in judgment and i begin to think that we may at last agree in our opinions and now to admit you into my confidence allow me to confess

"'If ever I should marry again, and, mind, I only say if—'

I will say that Charles Fitzfoley, from what I have seen of his temper, his manners, and his general character, is just the husband that would suit me. Captain McGuire bursting into a laugh. What? Charles, your husband? Upon my honour, that is something impossible. Beyond all possibility. Really, sir, I do not

comprehend the cause of your pleasantry. Mr. Fitzfoley possesses all the qualities. Which, of course, I do not possess. I'll give you much joy of your choice. But the bells will not ring in a hurry for that merit, I promise you. Enter Graham. I beg pardon, ma'am. There are two ladies who insist on seeing you.

They have not come to dinner, but say they have something very particular to say to you. Exit Graham. Then, madam, with your permission, we will resume this interesting discussion after dinner. It's folly. The female deceiver. A day's shitting. Exit Captain Wright.

Enter Lady Grimley and Mrs. Torrance, left. "'I hope, madam, you will excuse this intrusion, but I believe you are prepared for it by our circular.' "'Oh, certainly, madam, and I feel much flattered by the permission you have accorded to me to contribute to so excellent a work,' observes Mrs. Torrance. "'Surely I am not mistaken. It is a good thing that you have given me the permission to do so.

Is it my dear schoolfellow, Eve Creamley? Is it possible, my dear Harriet?

I heard you are married, but we live so much out of the world that I really did not know to whom. So you, madam, and my daughter are old friends. In that case, I will take the liberty of leaving Eve with you for a few minutes, while I go to Lady Dismal in the square, who has promised me a liberal subscription, which Mr. Sleek is in waiting to receive. Do, dear madam, I have a thousand things to say to Eve.

i shall return very shortly exit lady crimley well dear eve i am delighted to see you tell me all about your dear self are you single or married and if married to whom oh yes i am married and to a most worthy and amiable creature a little too fond of the world at first but now he listens thank heavens to reason and you my dear harriet

"'I am a widow, child. That happy, independent being. A widow.' "'Oh, Harriet, you were always too fond of the world.' "'And you, Eve, always too demure. I remember, when we were schoolgirls, how you used to sit and mope over some dreary book, while the rest of us were romping, laughing, singing, and enjoying existence like happy magcaps, as we were.'

"'I recollect.' "'Same.' "'Don't look so solemn, dear. "'Miserable people may groan and talk of this wicked world, "'but there are many warm and affectionate hearts in it for all that, "'and many things to love and worth loving, too. "'And there are beauties of hill, dell, river, and mountain "'to which it would be ungrateful to close our eyes. "'If we have clouds, have we not sunshine?'

then are we always to be solemn and glooming no my dear there is more real value in kindness cheerfulness and goodness of heart than in all the cold and canting solemnity that was ever put on as a mask for selfishness but to hear dear eve that you are happy gives me unalloyed pleasure

Now, Harriet, tell me the truth. Have you any idea of exchanging your life of boasted liberty for the more reasonable one of wife? Why, my dear?

if i must be candid i think my boasted liberty is in jeopardy as i am at this very moment persecuted by two men the one a noble-minded creature full of heart and jealousy the other a gay joyous rattling soul sent into this world to torment and tease me

but one of them i candidly confess i intend to have enter captain wright captain wright mrs delmaine you are particularly wanted and i apologize for the liberty of disturbing your date-a-date mrs delmaine seize mrs torrance captain wright oh murder mrs torrance mrs delmaine is it possible

captain murphy maguire oh good people as i find you know each other i can have no difficulty in leaving you eve will do the honors for a few minutes for me exit mrs delmaine captain maguire aside there'll be a conflagration

"'Pray, Mrs. Torrens, may I take the liberty to ask you if Mrs. Armsby-Dalmain knows your husband's name?' "'I'm sure I don't know. I suppose so.' "'And may I take the liberty of inquiring what brought you here?' "'I came with Lady Creamley.' "'And your husband?' "'Oh, Mr. Torrens is in Leicestershire. He has gone down for a few days' shooting.' "'Captain Maguire, aside.' "'Oh, damp powder and spring guns. Are you quite sure of that?'

Now, for a stroke of delicate diplomacy, to speak frankly with you, my dear Mrs. Tarnes, do you think it possible that your husband has not gone down to Leicester for a few days' shooting, but on the contrary remains in town to get rid of the domestic tyranny of his mother-in-law, Lady Sorby Creamley? Charles not gone? Tyranny? That's the true word.

and be sure mrs torrens all tyranny is a saying it makes people either hypocrites or liars and upon my faith sometimes both sir i fulfil all my duties who doubts it my dear lady not i upon my faith but there is something more than duty in this life and a man's home must not be turned into a prison nor every pleasantry be put down as a crime

charles torrens before his marriage was a decent-hearted large-souled fellow partaking handsomely of the pleasures of life and never i honestly believe sullying his mind by its vulgar vices he was a true gentleman and what has he become under serious treatment

"'Why, one half the month a hypocritical Puritan, and what he is the other half I leave you, Mrs. Torrens, to find out.' "'But I am not to blame. It is not my fault.' "'Yes, my dear Mrs. Torrens, and it is very much your fault. I can easily understand it. It is as plain as the horse guards. You are an excellent wife, but a better daughter, and you sacrifice your husband to your mother. I am speaking perhaps too freely.'

but what i think i say but surely it must have struck you that charles was sick from home the pleasure he is denied at home oh that's quite impossible mr torrens is incapable of wronging me in so base a manner torrens is heard singing gaily mrs torrens starts and the captain turns aside to conceal his laughter

"'Charles, outside.' "'The coop, Doyle, is superb. Maguire, where are you?' "'Running in.' "'My angelic Mrs. Delmayne. Come and see if the effect is not magnificent.'

Seeing Mrs. Torrance. My wife. Charles, in the name of common sense, what brings you here? And dressed, too, in this extraordinary manner. My dear, I was just going to ask what brings you here. Oh, Mrs. Torrance has come for an answer to the begging letter. I beg pardon, I mean the charity circular. Charles, aside. A capital thought.

And so have I, my love. I have come for Mrs. Delmayne's subscription. No, Charles, I am injured and deceived. Take me away. I stifle in this house. What? Going so soon, Mrs. Torrens? That wicked man! What?

"'Wicked man? Why, that is one of the gentlemen I spoke of, and I rather think he is the favourite.' "'My husband, your favourite.' "'Your husband? Oh!' shrieks Captain Maguire, aside, laughing. "'Oh, it's beautiful,' Charles, aside. "'I am in for it. This is a nice day shooting.'

Enter Lady Crimley and Sleek. Ride. Come, Mrs. Torrance. We have many more calls to make. Cease Torrance. We shall be too late for the Timbuktu amelioration meeting. In the name of all that is wonderful, Mr. Torrance, my son-in-law, is it possible? Morally impossible, but...

But ocularly, a physical fact. Why, sir, we thought you were in Leicestershire. Yes, Lady Creamley, but unexpected business brought me to town. Aside. Caught in the fact. Allowed. You perceive that, um, that, uh, that...

Mrs. Torrens coming to his aid. That Charles, seeing our carriage at the door, had the kindness to stop and offer you his arm. Charles offers his arm. She'll do. She's an angel, or what's better, a true woman. She can tell a white one of the best of us. Lady Crimley crosses to right centre. All this must be explained, but for the present...

I consent to be satisfied. Charles, aside. Here's an end to my sporting excursions. Then the birds he sent us from Leicestershire were from a London poacher. They'll lie heavy on my conscience. Mrs. Delmaine, aside. I want to know who is the dupe.

i am determined to solve the riddle aloud i thank you ladies for the honour you have conferred upon me and i beg your acceptance of the widow's might crosses to lady grimley offering her subscription many thanks dear madam taking the money very many thanks come my child take your husband's arm

perhaps good mr sleek in return will cast his benevolent eyes over a little appeal that has been left here for my consideration giving a paper to lady grimley who hands it to sleek

Sleek, taking the paper, looking at it. Oh dear. What is it, Mr Sleek? A petition from the parlour of a profane public house in behalf of the widow of a labourer who lost his life last week by an accident that has left his widow and six children destitute.

Looking at Lady Grimly. I don't think we can. Mm.

I am afraid not. Believe me, my dear madam, we deeply sympathize with the case. But we are now making a collection for the benighted Choctongs of Passamaquoddy and haven't a farthing to spare. Returns the paper. Adieu, my friends. Exit right.

Lady Grimley and Sleek, and Torrance and Mrs. Torrance following, Captain Maguire and Mrs. Delmayne laughing as the curtain falls.

End of Act 2.

Act 3 of The Serious Family by Morris Barnett. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain.

For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Scene. Drawing room, folding doors centre, doors right and left. Enter Captain Maguire, right. I've declared war, and here I am in the midst of the enemy's camp. Charlie must be saved. Mrs. Torrance taught to know her own happiness. My young friend Emma rescued from the clutches of a Minidab Sleek, and Frank Vincent made one of the family.

and here comes the darling little emma enter emma left well darling what has happened in my absence oh captain maguire the house is in a state of mutiny and disorder mr sleek and lady creamley are furious at my brother mrs torrens is sobbing like a child

And as for me, I am very unhappy indeed, for I do not know what it is all about, or what is to become of me. Ah, you shall be well taken care of. I understand that Lady Creamery is determined to hurry on my match with that odious nephew of Mr. Sleek, and that we are all invited to dine today at his sister's, to settle the preliminaries. Now stand at ease. Attention! I am going to play a bold game, Emma, and I want your assistance.

but you must promise complete obedience are we agreed oh yes captain i will do exactly what you tell me well then first and foremost we are going to give a ball here tonight a ball call it a dance if you will to some hundred or hundred and fifty particular acquaintances so go and look out your prettiest dress and make yourself as smart as possible for probably you will have a partner to your own mind

here comes the person i expected enter frank vincent write frank my dear emma how long it is since i have seen you emma hark there

"'There's no time at present for tender protestations.' "'Oh dear, I'm quite alarmed. If Lady Creamley should come—' "'Who cares for Lady Creamley? I'm sure I don't.' "'Or old Sleek.' "'Who cares for Mr. Sleek? I'm sure I don't.' Captain Maguire, listening at the wing. "'To be sure we all don't. Hush! There they come, Mr. Sleek and Lady Creamley.' Emma screams and runs about the state.'

Frank appears confused. ''Sure you are a pair of heroes. Come back here, little fluttering lovebird. Mr. Sleek and Lady Creamley are better engaged.''

"'Now, Frank, have you executed all my commissions?' "'Punctually, Captain. The invitations have been all sent. Gunther has provided a first-class feed, and Julian's band is engaged. In the course of an hour, everything will be ready.' "'And the note to Mrs. Armsby, Delmaine?' "'Here is her answer. I met Mr. Torrens in the square.'

He was furious that she was not at home. Gives note. Captain Maguire opening the note. The angelic widow is all right. She understands me.

Now, Frank, see that everything is in readiness for ten o'clock precisely. Exit, Frank. Right. And as to you, Emma, you had better see after your twilight as I see Mrs. Torrens coming, and I wish to have some serious convabulation with her. Exit, Emma. Left. Enter Mrs. Torrens. Right. I have waited to have the pleasure of seeing you, my dear Mrs. Torrens. Excuse my abruptness, but we must have a ball here tonight. A ball?

That's the second I've shot with the same ball. Impossible. Enter servant, and announces Mrs. Ormsby Delmayne. And apropos, she is the very first guest I've invited. Enter Mrs. Delmayne, right. Well, here I am, Captain Maguire, an unexpected and probably unwelcome visitor to Mrs. Charles Torrens,

but when you tell me my presence is required to render an important service to my dear friend and schoolfellow i cannot hesitate even though i transgress a little the strict laws of etiquette you are ever welcome to this house madam though i am bound to say that i cannot exactly understand in what way your services are required

probably captain maguire who undertakes the economy of my house will be able to explain or rather mr charles torrens my husband who according to your own admission is received as a claimant for your hand my dear eve lay aside a moment your feelings as an offended woman and apparently injured wife

"'I am convinced that Mr. Torrens, though gay and thoughtless, loves you sincerely, and that you alone possess his heart.' "'What you say is quite true, Mrs. Delmayne. And it is for the purpose of convincing Mrs. Torrens that it depends entirely on your own conduct to secure a husband's love in society, that I have ventured to take the liberty I am now doing, and that I have summoned you to my aid.' "'It would appear—'

"'that I am to be placed on my trial. "'Well, I submit with a good grace. "'So pray open the court and proceed to business.' "'Then, Mrs. Torrens, I charge you "'with driving your husband from his natural home "'and forcing him to seek those pleasures abroad "'which every man of the world expects to meet in his own house. "'Are you not aware of the temptations "'to which your husband has been exposed?'

Do you not see that he was forced to play a false part in society, and even to declare himself a bachelor for the purpose of scaring a good reception? Yes, the wretch was so intensely agreeable that even I, who am horribly difficult to please, had nearly fallen an unresisting victim, and—forget—

"'Forgetting all the worth and honour that are combined in Captain Maguire's heart,' "'offering her hand to the captain, who kisses it, "'I had almost played him false, and accepted your Mr. Fitzfoley as a lover.' "'Now, Mrs. Tarnes, the only way you can secure your husband's return to his duty "'is by emancipating yourself and him from the dominion of Mr. Amenadab Sleek, "'and, if I may be permitted to say so.'

I've laid it cruelly. It is quite impossible, Captain Maguire, that I can forget the obligations which duty to my mother imposes on me. Mrs. Delmayne crosses to Mrs. Torrance. In that case, my dear, you forget your duty to your husband.

And though I would not have you neglect your filial considerations, it also teaches you that your duty to your husband is to love, honour, and obey him. There is no danger of that, for I find that Charles has returned to his usual routine, and he and Mr. Sleek are at this moment occupied in the great work. Why would he convince you to the contrary?

At what hour this morning did Charles go out, and where to? At twelve precisely, to meet Mr. Slee. At a quarter past twelve precisely, he was in Belgrave Square, where he found the door of our dear friend Mrs. Ormsby-Dill-Main closed against him. Yes, my dear, your naughty husband would see me, but I was denied.

and i am determined not to see him until he brings his charming wife to ask his pardon borkman and where do you think he is going to-night lady utterword he dines with us at the sister of mr sleek's and will spend his evening in our usual serious and discreet manner borkman not a bit of it

He has accepted his invitation for dinner with the officers of the guards, and he has asked me to present him in the evening at Lady Blank's in Cavendish Square, with the hope of meeting our charming friend, whose pursuit he is not inclined to relinquish. What is to be done, and what do you require of me? The fact is, my dear Eve,

mcguire and i have arranged it all in order to show mr torrens that you are no longer at the mercy of mr sleek and lady creamly we have determined that you shall give a ball to-night

we have issued tickets to all your friends and i will present you to several of mine the music and the refreshments are ordered and you have nothing to do but make yourself look as handsome as possible and surprise your husband with an unexpected pleasure

charles speaks outside and by the way here he comes just at the very fortunate moment when his presence is so desired maguire goes up and comes down right enter charles wright

Seeing Mrs. Delmaine, he starts, but quickly recovers himself. Ah, Mrs. Delmaine, I'm delighted to see you in this house, and I feel obliged by your early returning my wife's visit. Crosses to Mrs. Torrance. Bonjour, ma petite.

To Captain. Ah, Maguire, how are you? It is an unlooked-for pleasure to find you here. My dear fellow, I just called to know at what hour we are to go to Lady Blank's tonight. Charles, aside to Captain. Don't be absurd. My wife knows nothing of my engagement. Captain Maguire not heeding him. There's to be an immense squeeze. The Duchess de Bee and the Countess D'Eth—

and the Spanish beauty Donna Inés de Valencia in the valses and polkas and to crown the affair, Mrs. Arnsley-Delmaine will, I have no doubt, have the felicity to meet you. To Mrs. Delmaine. If I mistake not, Mr. Tarrance has engaged you for the first polka. Sir, my husband does not poke.

Crosses to right, goes up and down, right centre. Captain Maguire, aside. Courage, Charlie, now is the decisive moment. Mrs Delmaine, aside. Fail now and you are lost forever. Charles with affected courage. Yes, my dear. Mrs Ormsby Delmaine, the first polka...

"'The first vals and a myriad of quadrilles. "'Oh, you unreasonable man!' Captain Maguire aside to Mrs. Torrance. "'You see, madam, the only chance of keeping your husband at home at night "'is to claim him as your partner for the first polka, "'the first vals and a myriad of quadrilles.' Mrs. Torrance aside, hesitating. "'Have it as you will. I agree to everything.' Captain Maguire to Charles. "'Huzzah!'

We have reached the winning post. The day is our own. Charles, dancing about the stage and snapping his fingers in the air. Bravo! Bravo! That for old Aminadab Sleek and Lady Creamley. In his transport, he throws about the papers. At this moment, Lady Creamley and Mr Sleek enter left.

she with bonnet on and he with hat and umbrella in the name of goodness what are you about only putting the house in order lady grimly seeing mrs delmaine and the captain bow very stiffly and scarcely recognize them they return her salute in the same manner

I am going first to dinner, as I have one or two commissions, by the way. You, Mr. Sleek, will follow us as soon as possible, and— To Mrs. Torrens. You, my dear, and Mr. Torrens will not delay. You know that our dear friends ours are not those of fashionable life.

Cross us to right. Dear Mama, my head aches so severely it is impossible I can go out today. Why, Mr Torrens, I never saw you looking better in my life. You're quite mistaken in your prognosis.

Charles's nerves are all shook to atoms. Well then, daughter, you and Emma will come as soon as possible. I will send the carriage for you. Oh dear, Mama, my nerves are also much affected. Excuse me, Lady Creamley, but Mrs. Charles Torrance must stay at home to take care of her husband. The duty of a wife is superior to all other's.

other considerations be so kind mr sleek as to make my compliments and excuses to your sister my husband's indisposition prevents me the pleasure of waiting on her as i intended crosses to charles come dear husband we must see what can be done for you exeunt charles and mrs torrens left

lady crimley to mrs delmaine i suspect this is all your doing madam mrs delmaine affecting not to understand her

would be very happy but really i'm engaged sleek going up to the captain i much fear captain murphy mcguire you are meddling with matters you do not understand captain mcguire also affecting not to understand him oh i am really very sorry

it's quite out of my power to oblige you mr sleek and lady grimly look at each other with astonishment lady grimly aside to sleek there is something awful going on here which i cannot understand

i will leave you to unravel the mystery if you can and secure emma as i much fear my son-in-law has some designs on her independence exit right disdainfully not noticing mrs delmaine or the captain captain maguire down right hussar the enemy has beat her at straight without beat of a drum or blast of trumpet

now mr minadab sleek you are our prisoner at any rate we are two to one against you do you surrender at discretion mr sleek have you the discretion to surrender i want you to inveigle lady creamly i never inveigled any female in my life the greater the honour if you succeed with lady creamly

"'The truth is that between you both "'you have converted the house of Mr. Torrance into a state prison, "'and the captain and I are determined to release him.' "'Now, sir, in double-click time or in no time at all, "'are we to treat you as a friend or as an enemy?' "'It is quite indifferent how I am treated by you. "'My interests are not of this house nor of this hemisphere.' "'Of course not.'

Nor have you any personal interest except the getting of Miss Torrens' fortune into your hands by marrying her to young Straitair, your nephew. As a worm, I forgive you. As a man, I despise your hints and innuendos. Make up your poised minds that not a shilling of the young lady's property will pass your fingers. Her brother and guardian has already made choice of a husband. A decent young fellow with a live heart in his bosom.

and here comes emma torrance herself who if you should have any ugly doubts on the subject will clear them up i dare answer enter emma in a ball-dress left emma captain maguire is not a love of address do i please you

Heaven preserve me! What do I see? You are charmingly dressed, and I suppose you are ready to accompany Mr. Arnimidad Sleek, who is waiting to escort you to his sister. I fear, Mr. Sleek, you will have to make my excuse, as I am engaged to a ball this evening. A ball?

An abomination? Lady Creamly will put a stop to these wicked mummeries? Enter Frank Vincent, right. Frank, running in. Captain Aguirre, we are all ready. Gunther's people have come with a hamper of silver forks. There are mountains of cream and whole lakes of Wenham ice.

And Julian and Koenig and the band are coming upstairs. What means this awful outbreak? The house will be defiled. We are going to have a ball tonight. Oh! Sneak, Gromz. You may stay and dance if you like. Mr and Mrs Torrance have resolved as you will not let them go to the world to make the world come to them. A ball here? Gromz. Oh!

I will go for Lady Creamley and make you all repent this conduct. It will be time lost, Mr. Sleek, and I would recommend you to compound with your conscience, as you have often done before, and, as I have already advised, come over to our side. Sleek to Emma, bursting with rage. As for you, Miss...

Softly, Mr. Sleek. The British flag protects Miss Torrens. I see there is a conspiracy against us. I will speak to Mrs. Torrens. No, Mr. Sleek. My sister is dressing for the ball. She must not be disturbed. Sleek returns, much mortified, and puts on his hat. I will go for Lady Creamily.

His hat falls off. He picks it up and puts it on again. Yes, for Lady Creamly. Going, his hat falls off again. Returns to Captain. I will make you responsible for everything. His hat falls off a third time. As he's going out, he picks it up and exits, foaming with rage. All laugh. Ha-ha! Huzzah! The coast is clear.

but i fear for a short time only as that old sinner will be sure to bring back lady creamly so let us each to our respective posts to get them all untrained before her ladyship arrives to mrs delmeyne you and them i will have the kindness to see the decorations are in order you can accompany them frank as their loyal esquire the supper and wines i take under my special charge and now england expects that every man and woman and woman

Well, there is a duty. Exeon Captain Wright. Frank, Emma and Mrs. Delmayne, centre.

Enter Charles, full-dressed, left. No one in the way. I think I can get off to Lady Blank's without being perceived. That damned Maguire had nearly spoiled all my plans. But fortunately, I escaped exactly in the nick of time. Enter Mrs. Torrens, elegantly attired, left. Good heavens, what do I see? Mrs. Torrens in full dress?

Well, my dear, what extraordinary fancy has taken you tonight? I may ask the same question, Mr. Torrens, for I see by your costume you are bent on conquest. Charles tenderly. Eve, the only conquest I wish to make is here. Ah!

Charles, you mock me. Charles taking her hand. No, my dear. In truth, I never saw you looking so handsome. These jewels and this dress become you most admirably. If you are pleased, I am happy. But

But now, dear Charles, let us have a few moments' explanation, for, perhaps, on the experiment of this night, all our future happiness depends. Dear Steve, I am all attention. Charles, you have not been sincere with me.

"'You found me a young creature, "'accustomed only to obey the voice of my mother, "'and ignorant that I had other duties "'but those she imposed on me to fulfil. "'You should have told me the little world in which I lived "'was not the world in which you "'and other reasonable creatures in our sphere of life existed.'

i now find that i have been wrong very wrong indeed and that if you have gone a little on your side astray the fault is all my own ah eve you are too kind too amiable the fault is all mine

I should have known better what a treasure I possessed. I am now determined, dearest Charles, to give you no excuse for seeking amusement abroad by giving it you at home.

We have henceforth but one mind, one heart, and in spite of all, Mr. Sleek, all Lady Creamley may say, we shall be as gay and happy, with prudence and in season, of course, as other people of our rank and fortune. You are an angel, Eve, and from this moment I swear eternal fidelity. Enter Captain Wright.

Mrs. Delmaine, Emma, center. Welcome. A thousand times welcome. I am the happiest of men, and here is the most angelic creature in existence. Ask no explanations, but we are now the happiest couple in the world. Your hand, Maguire. It is to your spirit and courage I owe this moment of liberty."

and to you dear mrs delmaine i offer a true friend in lieu of a false lover enter frank centre sauve qui paix lady creamly and old sleek stand firm charlie courage dearest madam

Oh, we're lost, we're lost. Enter Lady Grimley, followed by Sleek. She throws herself in a posture of violent anger. Sleek stands behind her, hypocritically raising his hands. She does not perceive either of the three ladies, the three gentlemen standing before them. Lady Grimley violently, What's this I see?

what's this i hear who has dared to turn this house into a house of sin and iniquity b b an abode of agape memnon's agape why my lady i am afraid the blame must rest with me lady grimly hotly i spoke not to you sir

where is my daughter where is her sole offspring the captain who has been standing before mrs torrens moves aside and discovers her lady grimly screams with horror oh what do i see witchcraft

Silk, satins, flowers and jewels. Are we in bedlam? My dear mama, it is only a ball. A ball? Are you mad, child? You can't dance without a license. Call in the police. Even government cannot defer that tax on hops.

Lady Creamly to Charles. Explain this, Mr. Charles Torrance. Captain Maguire, aside. Stand firm or you're lost. Charles hesitantly steps aside and discovers Emma. Emma, advancing. It is only a nice little ball, Lady Creamly. Child of Polkomania, salarius infant. It's only a ball, Mama. I give in honor of my husband's birthday.

birthday. Yes, dear Mama, a little dance in honour of my birthday. Frank, coming forward, discovers Mrs. Delmaine. Merely a vows and a polka. And that widow of profane Ephesus? Yes, Mr. Omnidabbed Sleek. For once in my life I am tempted to join the solemn circle of a serious family. But

but only in the hope of bringing cheerfulness and geniality where hitherto have been groans and sighs and straight-laced formality to speak plainly lady creamly this is my house and for the future i am determined to be master in it

I will have no longer puritanical faces and starched behaviour about me. I'll see happy countenances, smiles and cheerfulness. Then look at us. Mrs Torrance crosses to Lady Grimley. Yes, Mama, we love you very dearly. But Charles and I are commencing a new system. What do I hear? Support me, Mr Sleek. Morally, I would.

But physically, I can't. I renounce you forever.

Daughter, I command you to follow me. Dear Mama, one's first duty is to obey one's husband, and Charles has ordered me to stay. Lady Crimley to Emma. As for Miss Insolence, come hither. Pardon me, Lady Crimley. Charles is my guardian and has ordered me to stay. Lady Crimley to Mrs. Delmayne. And

and you madam will instantly leave the house captain mcguire pardon me lady creamly this gentleman my intended husband has ordered me to stay lady creamly captain mcguire right captain mcguire and the three pair of us will make a mighty pretty couple

This is rebellion. No, Mama, only a revolution. Insurrection if it doesn't succeed. Charles, the first bar of a polka is heard. Ah, there's the polka. Partners and places. Vice and vanity.

Ungrateful children! I banish you forever! Come, Mr. Sleek! Your wicked salutations won't last. No, though it's a long time, there's a good time coming. Sleek gives his hand and they walk off majestically. The doors at the back of the stage are thrown open and disclose a ballroom.

richly ornamented and lighted up. The orchestra plays polka pianissimo. Captain gives his arm to the widow, Frank Vincent to Emma and Charles to Mrs. Torrance. Guests dancing. Charles rubbing his hands. This is a capital day shooting. The following lines are spoken to the polka air

While dancing. Isn't this joy, my darling Eve? Joy with you, the dance to weave. Oh, may I really call you mine? Partner for life, dear Frank, I'm thine. Oh, I'll be the model for husbands' lives. I'll be the pattern of fateful wives. Charles, isn't this a heavenly scene? And angels, we

That's what you mean? Gaily my husband's hours shall fly. I vow it. And I. And I. And I. Then, if we've pleased our generous friends, gaily the serious family ends. Curtain. End of Act 3. End of The Serious Family by Maurice Barnett.