finding yourself, advice session
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Hello and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice. In today's the last advice session of 2024, yeah, I know, time flies when you're having fun and receiving mediocre advice from a non-professional 23-year-old.

Yeah, time really flies. Actually, this is not only the last advice session of the year. This is the last Anything Goes episode of the year. I'm taking the rest of the year off to chill, to recharge, and I'll be back in 2025 with a fucking vengeance, okay? My word count is going to be up per episode. I'm going to be talking faster than I ever have.

episodes are going to be longer than ever, reaching peaks of five, six hours. I'm just kidding. Not much will change in 2025. I think it will be a lot more of the same, but in all the best ways that we all love, know and love. Anyway, today's topic is personal turmoil.

a topic that we have discussed before, but there is a never-ending well of things to discuss in the category of personal turmoil because we're constantly dealing with shit internally within the confines of our mind. I don't know. I feel like the human brain is like a car. You

You drive it, you drive it, drive it. Then you need to fill it up with gas. Then you accidentally pop a tire. Then you need to replace the tire. Then you keep driving. Then your air conditioning stops working. And so then you have to fix it. And then you keep driving and keep driving. Then you run out of windshield wiper fluid. And then you keep driving. There's a lot of problems that reoccur that you need to constantly be fixing, like filling up the gas tank.

Those are arguably not even problems. They're just maintenance. Although sometimes maintenance comes at the wrong time and it turns into a problem. But for the most part, you expect it coming. And then there's stuff that you don't expect, like running out of windshield washer fluid or your AC breaking in the middle of a heat wave. That's the stuff that

is just plain a problem. And there's endless things that could go wrong at any given moment. So this is a topic that we're revisiting today and we'll revisit again. But without further ado, let's begin. This episode is brought to you by Airbnb.

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Someone said, I feel like I have everything a person could want, but still feel lonely and lost. Do you have any advice? Yes. I think this is a clear sign that

that up until this point, your priorities were maybe not aligned with what fulfills you as a person. So you've been working towards goals that look good on paper. You haven't been working towards goals that fulfill you as a human being. Status, money,

everything aside, you haven't been working towards goals that fulfill you as a human being. Now, it looks so different for everybody. And it's also, at a lot of times, a privilege to be able to do things and spend your time doing things that are fulfilling for you as a human being, right? There are times when

You got to fucking work really hard and spend all your time working so that you can survive. There are times when that is the case. And, you know, nobody wants to be in that place, right? But it seems that you're not in that position. If you're in the position where you feel like you have everything that a person could want, then that means that you've made a choice. It was your choice to prioritize things that did not fulfill you.

So what I would recommend to you is to look at what you're prioritizing right now. What's important to you? Now, you may look at your life and realize, wow, I've been prioritizing my status.

everything I've been working towards has given me more status or my priority up until now has been money. So I've been working really hard to make a lot of money or I really want to be popular. I want a lot of people to like me. You might have made all these friends and now you have them and you're like, oh, but it doesn't quite feel right. Don't get me wrong. Having status, having money, being popular, all of these things are not bad. And I

To want them is not an unreasonable thing, you know, at all. But when you reach your goal, you still won't feel fulfilled. And that's because you're never going to feel fulfilled by money, success, popularity, all of these things that are sort of surface level and improve life for sure. But they are not what fulfill you in life. What fulfills you in life is having a greater purpose, a

That might be helping people. That might be being a shoulder for people to cry on, being the person that gives advice, being a mom one day, being a dad one day, making a difference in some way. That's what fulfills you. So what you're missing is that. You don't have that goal that gives your soul as a human being purpose. That's what you're missing.

And through having that goal, you'll meet friends along the way. You'll have a guiding light through your day-to-day life. You won't feel lost anymore. You won't feel lonely anymore. It takes time to figure out what that goal is. It takes time to get on the track to working towards that goal.

But there's something really beautiful about having a goal that you can work towards for the rest of your life that can be your guiding light and is your ultimate priority above all else for the sake of your fulfillment. So that...

When you do accomplish other goals, like maybe making more money or achieving a higher position at your job or making more friends or whatever, that can all help to support a life that is being led with fulfillment as the number one priority. You know what I mean? I mean, I experienced this in a really big way, you know, when I first started having

success in my career, I was like, I'm still not happy. And it almost felt worse because the more I succeeded and the more I felt no more or less fulfilled, like I just nothing changed, the worse it felt because I was like, wait, what?

It wasn't until I figured out my own purpose as a human being outside of all of the surface level stuff and I created a larger goal in life that would take me on a path that was fulfilling that my life became richer in that way. And I didn't feel lost and I didn't feel lonely. And I'm still...

you know, trying to figure it out. And I think that my ultimate goals in life will probably evolve and change as I mature and learn more about myself and the world. But for now, they help me a lot. And, you know, if I were to briefly scratch the surface on sort of what my guiding light is, I would say, number one, to, and this sounds so simple, but to help as many people as I possibly can.

That's number one. Number two, to be as good of a person as I possibly can. Number three, to be a mom one day, to have a family one day, and to raise good children that do good things in the world. I overall just want to have a net positive effect on the world. It's that simple. And by the way, that could be your guiding light as well, but it has to be internalized and be yours. You have to sort of

I don't know, find exactly what it is for you. And it might be that because that's a lot of people's sort of guiding light and goal, but it might be something a little bit different. It might be something a bit more,

specific. It might not be to be a parent. That's up to you to decide. But all of those goals make every choice easier and also fulfill me so that I get to truly enjoy success in life. Because it seems you're saying, I have everything a person could want, which is a huge accomplishment. Most people don't feel like that. That is an incredible place to be.

but you still feel lonely and lost. What a shame it is to have reached such an accomplishment to feel like you have everything. What a shame it is to not feel fulfilled when you arrive there. Unfortunately, the fulfillment comes from something else. And I recommend that you find what that is for you. This episode is brought to you by Bumble. Dating can be exhausting. Even just getting to the dating stage is a little bit overwhelming.

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Try opening moves on the new Bumble. Download Bumble now. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. For many people, the holiday season brings an incredible vibe. I mean, it's supposed to, right?

love visiting my hometown, spending time with my family, playing board games, baking, you know, all the cozy stuff. Whatever makes you happy this month, do it. But also make sure you're doing what you can to feel that way all year long. If you need suggestions, I recommend therapy, which you can get easily through BetterHelp. It would make an excellent gift for yourself.

It teaches positive coping skills, how to relax. Sometimes just having someone as a sounding board is incredibly beneficial. If you want to give therapy a chance, use BetterHelp. It's convenient, accessible, and everything is entirely online. So it's easy to work into your schedule. And if things aren't working out with your therapist, you can switch for no additional charge.

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Well, I've done brief research about why humans judge others, and it is somewhat of an innate human behavior. We judge other people for many reasons. I'm actually going to pull it up on Google because I...

I am not a scientist and I want to pull it up. Hold on. According to the internet, judgment is a natural instinct of the human brain. As humans, surviving and thriving are our basic instincts. As a consequence, we automatically end up judging people around us to determine if they are safe to be with. So to an extent, we're judging others because we're protecting ourselves.

If we see somebody acting weird, we don't want to be around them. That might be a safety precaution. If somebody is acting weird and in our brains, we're like automatically, we're like, well, we shouldn't be judging. Yeah. Well, what if they're like stabbing someone? You know what I'm saying? Like we need to be able to read and analyze and judge others more.

for our own safety. But I think that today it's almost like humans have overcorrected and we're judging more than is necessary for our safety and well-being. And I think...

that's sort of what you're referring to here. Why do we have the need to judge everything if it's right or wrong? If we would have done the same or not, why can't we just be neutral? Well, I think again, even though we're judging to a level that's unnecessary, I still think that part of it is innate. You know, we can't control our thoughts. Like I can't control if I see somebody wearing an outfit or something and I think to myself, Ooh, I wouldn't wear that.

I can't help it. That's just what my brain does. Is there a way to break that cycle? Maybe, but I don't really think it's helpful to obsess over the thoughts that we can't control. Like thoughts are constantly coming in and out of our brain or not really in and out of our brain, but we're constantly producing thoughts and it's happening in a way that's out of our control.

we can plant a seed and say, you know, I want to stop being as judgmental. And a lot of times over time, you know, that seed will bloom into a flower and we'll naturally become less judgmental people. But

I think the best thing to do is to react to your thoughts. So instead of being upset with yourself for being judgmental and questioning why you're so judgmental, instead, accept the fact that the brain produces thoughts as it may. And that's kind of out of our control. And all we can't control is how we react to them. So next time you find yourself judging somebody, be like, hold on.

I don't really want to think like this anymore. I don't really want to be as judgmental. Let me find one thing about this person or about this song or about this movie or about this whatever. Let me find one thing about this that I do like. Maybe it's that. Maybe it's a little mind exercise like that. Maybe, you know, you find yourself judging somebody, you go and give them a compliment.

If you're questioning why you're so judgmental, maybe you just need to break the cycle a little bit by practicing being less judgmental. But also stop being judgmental of yourself for being judgmental. Because again, it's an innate thing that we do as humans. But I also think to take it a step further, there are some people who are not judgmental in just an innate human way. They're too judgmental.

And, you know, I think that a lot of times we can be judgmental of others when we're judgmental of ourselves. When we're not pleased with ourselves because we're very critical of ourselves, then that's what we'll do to others as well. I think when somebody's overly judgmental, abnormally judgmental, it's usually a sign of an imbalance in their psyche. You know, there's an imbalance happening.

They're too harsh with themselves. They're struggling with their self-esteem. And being judgmental of others not only reflects how they treat themselves, because, you know, people are pretty consistent. If they treat themselves badly, they'll probably treat others badly too. But also, they're judging others to make themselves feel better. They feel beat down by their own judgment, so they want to beat other people down to their level by judging them. So I think in extreme cases, people are really judgmental because they're unhappy.

I know I'm judgmental when I'm unhappy. I'm abnormally, I'm always judgmental, you know? I'm always judging things, as we all are. But it reaches an unhealthy point when I'm in an unhappy place, for the most part. When you're certain in yourself, you don't really care what other people are doing as much, and you're able to let it roll off your back. But when you're in a bad place and you don't believe in yourself,

and you don't value yourself, and you don't trust yourself, you look around at what other people are doing, and you see it as either a sign that you are doing well, or a sign that you're doing horribly. You're judging yourself based on other people. So that's why you judge harder, because you don't know who you are. So you're judging hard to try to find where you stand in the picture, where you stand in the hierarchy, you know?

Whereas when you're secure in yourself and you find self-worth on your own, then you don't judge people as much because you're not using them to determine your own worth. You know what I mean? All right, moving on. Somebody said, how to be your truest self. Well, that is complicated now, isn't it? And I think it's a combination of a trillion different things all at once happening in some sort of homeostasis, you know, like...

But if I had to scratch the surface, I would say how to be your truest self. Number one, surround yourself with people who allow you to even explore the possibility of your truest self. If you're around people who judge you, who intimidate you, who do not love you truly, and love is complicated and hard to find. We think we experience love many times in our life when I do not believe that we do.

Love is very complicated and can be confused for other things, I think, such as lust or intrigue or whatever. We think we love people and people think that they love us sometimes. And it's actually something else at play, in my opinion. Anywho, if you're not around people who give you a safe space to be you and to figure out what that even is, if you're not surrounding yourself with people who make you feel 100% safe, then

You can't even begin to discover who your truest self is. That is number one. Number two, I think you need to have purpose. You need to have some sort of purpose. As I mentioned earlier, it could be to help people in some sort of way. It could be to have a family one day and build a really healthy, beautiful family that goes and makes the world a better place, hopefully. It could be to invent something that changes the world. It could be

It could be anything, you know what I mean? But you need to find your purpose that has nothing to do with like how much money you make or whatever, but just your, your vague purpose. And I think that really helps be a guiding light as well. As I mentioned earlier, I think to be your truest self to the best of your ability, you must shut out the external voices, the

murmurs of society and people in your family who don't really know you that well or your peers. You need to block out everything and only listen to your voice. Listen to you. It's the hardest thing. It's very hard.

And it's a work in progress constantly for pretty much everyone. But I think we're our truest selves when we are listening to ourselves, which we don't do very often. We're listening to our family, to our friends. We're listening to society and culture. We're listening to the internet. We're listening to influencers and celebrities. We're listening to everybody but ourselves for the most part. And last but not least, find comfort in yourself. For me,

That means wearing clothes that make me feel comfortable in myself, styling my hair in a way that makes me feel comfortable in myself, finding ways to feel comfortable in my own skin in whatever way that looks for me. And I think all of those things, though all constant works in progress is progress. What is progress? Plural. Anyway, but even though those are all things that require constant upkeep,

I think that that's how you work towards being your truest self. I think it's like, what does it mean to be your truest self? Nobody fucking knows. I don't know. I don't know. But that's how I get closer. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. I've seen so many cool products that just don't have a good website. Honestly, they should be using Squarespace.

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Somebody said,

Well, let's start with putting yourself first. I do think that there is a lot of value in putting yourself first. However, I do think that there is a lot of, like you, I do think that life is nothing without other people. Like I wouldn't want to be on this planet if there was no other people here. And I, I just believe that, you know, putting yourself first is important.

I don't know, though. I actually don't know if putting yourself first, like, I don't know. I think putting yourself first, it's complicated because I want to say I believe that we should put ourselves first. But I think that I only mean that.

if it's so that we can tend to others second. You know, it's like when you're on the airplane and you're watching the safety video and they're like, put your oxygen mask on before you put on anyone else's. Because if you're not breathing oxygen, then you can't help anyone else if you're not. So in that case, I think putting yourself first is a valid sort of state of mind. However, I don't love it because...

The first thing I think of when I hear of putting myself first is fuck everyone else. And that I don't like because I think we need to sometimes sacrifice our own, you know, time for ourselves to help others and to be there for our loved ones. Because again, life is nothing without other people. We need other people. We should all be independent. Being independent is great. Not being codependent on others is very important.

But we also need other people and we need to be supportive of them because there are going to be moments in our lives when we need them as well. It is human to lean on each other. So I think, yes, put yourself first, but only so that you can help people second. Next part of this question, thoughts on priorities. I mean, I think I've talked about priorities a lot in this episode, you know, and how having the right priorities works.

and the right goals can be a guiding light for your life. And I don't really think that there's much else to say there. I think, yeah, I think I've sort of said enough about it. I'll leave it at what I've said so far. And last but not least, thoughts on community. I mean, community is incredibly important. I definitely have overlooked the value and importance of community in certain areas of my life, you know?

but we need people. We absolutely need people. And to believe or think that we don't, like anyone who thinks that they don't need people is wrong. Some of the most miserable people I know are people who don't think that they need people. I've never met a more miserable person than the person in my life who I've met who thought that they needed people the least. That was the unhappiest person I've ever met in my life.

We need community. We need people. We're social animals, as everyone always says. And I think that it's just, it's a fundamental, crucial part of life that we need. And that's my thoughts on community.

And I think we should find as many different types of community as possible. At my yoga class that I go to, I kind of have a community. Do I know them all really well? No. Do I hang out with them outside of yoga? No. Do I even talk to them every time that I see them? No. But it's community in a way.

at work, you know, I have an awesome team. That is my community. You know, all these people that I've curated, you know, that I work with, I love these people. I talk to them on a daily basis. And yeah, we don't hang out really outside of work very often, but community, you know what I mean? In my close personal life, I've intertwined, you know, my family and my friends and my significant other. And we all, it's community.

All of these different forms of community help to build a rich, beautiful life. Community, you know, you should find community in as many different places as you possibly can. Next, somebody said, advice for when you're feeling like everything is falling apart and you're unsure of the future. My best advice for this is make a plan. Make a plan. Nothing helps with this feeling more than making a plan. Sit your ass down, okay?

With love. I'm saying that with love. Sit your ass down. Take a deep breath. Get out a piece of paper. Open up your computer with a blank document. Call someone on the fucking phone. Do it by yourself. Put on a song. Whatever. And make a plan. You might start with, okay, I know where I want to end up. Then backtrack from there. Or you might start with, okay, I know what the next best step is. Okay, then what's the next best step after that?

make a fucking plan. I can't express enough. Listen, I can't tell you how many times I've found myself in this state of mind and how many times my dad has said, Emma, you gotta make a plan. And I've been like, I can't make a plan. And then I calmed down a little bit and was like, he's right. Then I make a plan. Then I feel better. It's so helpful. It is so helpful.

Because then you know what to do. You feel in control of the situation. You're not in control of the outcome, but at least you're in control of what you're going to do next. And that gives you such valuable peace of mind. Somebody said, how to love where I'm at, but also not get complacent and remain ambitious. How to be at peace with where you're at currently in your life, even though it isn't where you'd like to be. I would say,

Something to remember that can really help when it comes to enjoying every phase of your journey in this life is that a lot of people who are very accomplished will tell you that some of the best, most beautiful memories in their life were during the period of time that you're in right now, working,

on the way towards accomplishing your goal, the journey towards the goal is often more enjoyable. But the thing that's funny is that that is not realized until after the fact. And so I think

Part of my advice is ask people who have accomplished great things what some of their favorite memories are. I think most of them would say, like, when I was in the thick of it, when I didn't know what was going to happen, you know? It's a really romantic, beautiful time. And we often take it for granted because we're so wrapped up in the daily minutiae of it that...

We're taking it so seriously and, you know, we can't stop to find joy in it because we're on the fucking grind. But stopping and finding the joy in it and enjoying the journey and the struggle and the fun that comes with it and the adventure that comes with it, like...

If you can remember to do that, do it. Because everybody who's accomplished something great will probably tell you that the time that you're in right now is tough and is challenging, but is fucking magical in a lot of ways. And I mean, I can even say that. Like some of my favorite memories from my career thus far were...

I have incredibly beautiful memories about living at home before I moved to Los Angeles. And I just started making YouTube videos. And I totally took that time for granted. I did not sit back and enjoy my life at that time. And in retrospect, I should have because it was a really, really awesome, really, really fun time. And when it comes to remaining ambitious, I think if your goal is, I mean, this is my opinion.

I think that if your goal is authentic to you, it's easy to remain ambitious because it's what you're being called to do anyway. And last but not least, when it comes to being at peace with where you're at currently in your life and at best, potentially even loving where you're at in your life, I think it's also helpful to keep in mind that

We never really feel like we arrive, you know, like in our career, in our lives, we never feel like we arrive. I should have arrived a little while ago. It doesn't happen. You never feel satisfied. We as humans don't feel satisfied. If we did, then we wouldn't keep working. So it's okay to be at peace with where you're at and to enjoy where you're at, but to still feel a little bit of a fire under your ass, you need that, you know?

And you're never going to feel satisfied. Even when you reach your greatest goal, you're going to be like, well, but there's more that could be done. That's just being human. So moral of that story is be romantic about the time of your career that you're in. You'll look back on it fondly. If you've made a good goal for yourself, remaining ambitious will be easy.

And expecting pure peace and love for the phase that you're in when you're on your way to the top, climbing to the top, climbing towards the goal. Okay. Not being able to be fully at peace or being able to fully love that phase is part of like being human. You know, we never feel like we arrive. We never feel like we're doing it. Like that's how we keep going. So anywho,

Okay, that's it. Wait, I'm sad. This is so wild. This is the last episode of 2024. I hope you all have a beautiful holiday season. I hope that you all get to spend time with people that you love. And I appreciate you all listening to me ramble for the past year. It's truly such a delight for me. And I love chatting with you all twice a week.

I will be back next year, mid-January, for season... I don't even know what season we're on. If anything goes, could be like season four, could be season three. Season? This isn't a fucking HBO show. I don't know. It's whatever. Back to the regular scheduled programming, mid-January. I'll be talking to you then. I can't wait. I'll miss you for these few weeks, but I'll be back. Yeah, I love you all and appreciate you all. And thank you for sticking by me and...

I'm on your team. Okay. I'm on your team. I'm grateful you're on mine. See you next year for a lot more fun. Okay. Bye. I love you guys.